u mad? The fact that shellymicAB’s Youtube rant is unembeddable is a crime against Wonkette. But for those of you who have been begging us to repeat our billion-post Tuesday schedule so as to keep schadening your Freude (unaware that we conducted Election Day, like the Iraq War, “off-budget”), well, here should be the happiest 25 minutes of your life. “Headphones up!” as the people with jobs say! [YouTube]

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  • Pookums

    Butterscotch schnapps is the new liquid angry.

    • who would have guessed? Butterscotch seems so cheerful! Like a grandma's hug.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It's golden….

  • Barbara_

    The shit doesn't fall far from the bat, does it?

    • I think she's one of the new (evolved – gasp) giant flightless bats. Blind too, as can be seen in the video.

      • Barbara_

        Rebecca posted it on twitter before it was posted here and I made it 13 minutes into the rant before I tossed the other half of my lunch out in disgust, lol.

        • Boojum

          I made two, but I'm sick so I have an excuse.

    • smashedinhat

      Heh, had to clean the snot off my lip.

  • mrpuma2u

    That tea turd needs to be flushed.

    • This. This is what we live with in red-hell central. This. Please help me. I'm always scared.

      • (Hugs you) Po' li'l kitteh. Stick close to us, we'll keep you safe.

  • SoBeach

    I want to party with her, man.

    • Not_So_Much

      Get in line buddy.

    • BonoboReview


    • RomneysLogCabin

      I'm in! Well, at least until the bath salts come out.

      • If she bares her teeth and goes for your leg, RUN!

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Don't make eye contact?

          • Don't get close enough to let her see the whites of your eyes, dude.

    • rickmaci

      Where do I get my Obamaphone?

    • DickWharfinger

      This is the real Donalds favorite lady. He would come after you with his tweet machine.

  • SeanMEnright

    Haha love the *clinky-clinky* sound in the background.

    • It's Buttershots, whatever the fuck that is.

      • Crank_Tango

        butterscotch schnapps and kahlua.

        • *barf*

        • BadKitty904

          Even the thought makes my teeth hurt.

        • And here I was hoping it was organic lube for the whole "P-E-N-I-S in the anus" thing.

          • ThundercatHo

            It may be, she did invite folks into her bedroom in the middle of the night.

        • Isyaignert

          Goes great with meth-flavored 100% crack crackers. Just like liver 'n' onions.

      • Beowoof

        Something that redneck America seems to like, moonshine and drawn butter.

    • Haha, you beat me to it!

  • SorosBot

    25 minutes?! I love seeing the wingnust get unglued and unhinged following the Scary Black Kenyan's re-election, but that's a bit much.

  • An_Outhouse

    OMG, that's my mother's voice.

    • BadKitty904

      Is it coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE?

    • Mojopo

      OMG, I was just thinking, "This sounds like my long-ago ex." I just had PTSD.

      • I listened to that FOUR TIMES last night, and all through it I was thanking the powers that be that I don't know ANYbody like that. Any more, that is.

    • OMG does your mother kiss you with that mouth?

  • BumbleKid

    The fuck?

    • BadKitty904

      Seriously, dude. The *fuuuuuuck*???

    • also: the fuck is that image?

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        It's from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when the Nazi's open the Ark of the Covenant. It was also repeated several times at Romney's 'victory party' by enraged/ terrified bigoted white people afraid 'their' country is gone for good…the social pyramid of ignorant, rich white assholes at the top is BROKEN! OH NOEZZZZZ!111!!!111

        • yes of course it is.

          duh. gave me nightmares as a child.

  • OurHoboSenator

    "Figure out how to use the fucking Internet, or get the fuck off of it."

    This should be everyone's motto.

    • FieryLocks

      Funny thing though, she says that when she said it took her a year to figure out how to use her computer that she only purchased 4 years ago.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Have at least temporarily changed grav in honor of Lubbock attorney linked by Terry in Wonkville.

    • Watch for a visit by men in black from Boner's new House UN American Committee in 3, 2, 1…

    • Isyaignert

      Wow – thanks for sharing that awesome story. Yay Rob Hobson! Plus your office building is a work of art.

    • I was going to ask if it was time to change flags or wut.

  • she mad bro?

    EDIT: dammit, alt text beat me to it.

  • Wow! I mean, just wow! Somebody please take the booze and any firearms away from this woman!

    • GemlikeFlame

      Oxygen too, while they're at it.

    • No no! Odds are she'll take a few more like her with her!

      Thinning the herd. With votes.

    • caitifty

      The clinking of ice cubes in her shot glass says you're a bit late for one of those..

  • Someone posted that on an earlier thread and I couldn't get through fucking goddamn three fucking minutes of that fucking screaming loathsome tard.

    • no fucking way

    • BumbleKid

      I made it to 4:04, but now I think I need to lie down.

      • DaniloTifoso

        I did around 6-9 seconds and wanted to open a vein

    • just_a_head


      That's as much as I could take. She was so ill-spoken. Can that be the opposite of well-spoken? Inarticulate isn't quite enough and idiotic is too generous.

  • Crank_Tango

    That was pretty hard to masturbate to.

    (full disclosure, I posted the same comment on this vid on gawker and they thought I was the funniest person on earth. I owe it all to my fellow wonkettiers, which is good news for mccain)

    • The Gawkers lead such a shielded life. They never go out without wearing condoms.

    • I did something similar on Twitter. Someone mentioned that the GOP election algoritms were screwy and I posted "But algorithms is fat!"


      For a moment I lost focus, what can I say?

    • RomneysLogCabin

      So is the Donald, but if you squint at the hairpiece long enough…

    • You've been polishing and perfecting this joke for a long time, so I'm not surprised. It's also simple enough for a Gawker commenter to understand. They'll wonder why you spelled "masturbate" like that, though.

  • Been skipping our meds have we?

    • berkeleyfarm

      Friends don't let friends drink butterscotch schnapps!

      • NellCote71

        I sure wouldn't her headache in the morning.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Ann Coulter is on facebook?

  • Shorter version:

    NOOOOO. (breathe). NOOOOOOOOOOO.

  • tihond

    Oddly enough, her friends would have shared this on facebook.

    • Right? I mean, how weird is it she's all butthurt because her friends wouldn't share her posts, but here she disables….um, a form of sharing?

    • I think they did. It might even have gone viral. (beams proudly again)

    • T3rbo

      I did

  • I'll have my drink on the rocks, much like Romney's campaign hopes.

  • Isyaignert

    Methinks she doth protest too much.

    • One_who_wanders

      Methinks she doth drink too much.

  • PhilippePetain

    Shelly L Dankert / Palin '16!

    I've been debating whether or not to Facebook friend her, for laffs…

    • She wants all you fucking libtards to know she's not friending you! AND she'll block you on Twitter, too. So there.

      • PhilippePetain

        Yet she just hopes HOPES that we come to her bedroom at midnight!

    • freddymcmurray

      I'm not 100% convinced that Dankert isn't Palin.

      • PhilippePetain

        HA! Palin after a couple of "buttershots"; wish we could have gotten that on the stage at some point during '08…

        • freddymcmurray

          I'm not 100% convinced that we didn't. :)

  • ThundercatHo

    Does she ever show herself cuz I'm picturing her as the "Sweet Home Alabama" lady now. Oh, and hahahahahahahahahahahahah, *breath* hahahahahahahahahahah. So many potential tshirt and bumper sticker slogans.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I think that I saw scooter peel-out marks and trails on the floor…just saying, but to the fat wingnutted among us, don't lay down rage donuts with your scooters…the sad Drudge sirens was a hilarious moment as well haha! She disabled commentso or I would have written, "hurts doesn't it? Obama 2012, bitch…America, love it or leave it and we'll be happy to grease the door so you can fit out of it for you"

  • SmutBoffin

    I just told a friend that the LD50 of schadenfreude is ~20 gloating blog/Facebook/Twitter posts. (Our editrix may need an intervention, lest we be deprived of her dazzling smile permanently.)

    Also, this rant is worth a listen. It's an recording of the uncensored thoughts inside a crumbling conservative psyche.

    • Dumbedup

      I am suffering acute schadenfreude intoxication and could only take 5 minutes, lest my organs fail

    • HogeyeGrex

      I sort of love it when she excoriates the truthers, birthers and conspiracy nutters.

      Yes, folks. This woman is the voice of reason in the modern Republican Party.

    • OK, I have to speak in her defense. Unlike most of her ilk, she's drunk but not insane (difficult as that might be to believe). Towards the end of her rant, she trashes all the various conspiracy theorists, with particular vicious emphasis on birfers and Islamophobes. It is a delight, when they eat their own.

      • Iam_Who_Iam

        Yeah, she almost sounded sane for a second until she slipped into a rant about how Obama had never been to an Independence Day parade. Cuz, um, you know they don't have them in Hawaii, or any of those radical college towns he lived in.

        • never attended the turtle races? the shame.

        • Yeah, ok, you got me. :) She really is fucking bonkers.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      I have to say smut…I've spent 2 years since those bullshit 2010 elections waiting for the sweet, sweet moment when every pasty smug wingnut in America's head exploded in unison when they A) figured America is NOT center-right after all and B) had to watch with sad clown faces as the 'dark African' one finished off whatever smug, smarmy reichwing pasty asshole they put in front of him. These past two days have been FUCKING epic…the most enjoyable two days of politics in my life. The only thing that remains undone is to see Karl Rove be unceremoniously discarded from the right as he is once again discredited for the 3rd fucking time in six years….still waiting for that one but it'll come soon.

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'll bet she goes to church every Sunday and lets everybody know how much she loves Jesus, too.

    • The power of Christ needs to fucking compel her.

      • BadKitty904

        To shut up.

    • caitifty

      And that's only going to last until she discovers Jesús is a brown.

  • edgydrifter

    Hon, there's this new feature on Facebook that lets you ignore shit that your drunken moron "friends" post. Shhh… it's OK. I'm sorry I had to break it to you like this. Here, have some more schnapps.

  • WTF is a "buttershot"? And water? It sounds….kinky, and yet nasty. All at the same time.

    • An_Outhouse

      How far do you have to listen before you get to 'buttersechs'? I stopped after about 5 seconds.

      • She doesn't even get rolling, I think I was about a minute in. But then I have the volume low. She was kind enough to close caption it.

    • Maybe she meant "butthurt shot"?

    • Disassembly

      I think it's when a woman has a hot body but her mind is ugly.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Does it have anything to do with Butterstick?

        • fatbob54

          You're going old skewl there…

          • HogeyeGrex

            Get the butter.

          • NellCote71

            The Last Tango in Paris, Texas.

      • So like when her body rejects her mind and shuts it down?

      • Holy crap, you ain't far off….

    • SnarkOff

      It's like a "butterface."

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      She melts an entire package of butter and mixes it with water and drinks it…very choice amongst the Hoverround set. Also they toss in cheap whiskey so they rot their liver while clogging their arteries that medical science will ironically have to unclog for them. I wonder if these fucking idiots ever go off on their doctor about how fraudulent evolution is while the doctor is trying out the latest medication tested to be on step ahead of virus evolution…methinks probably not.

  • charlietography

    The degree to which she sounds like Melissa McCarthy's character in Bridesmaids will further enhance my enjoyment of that movie now.

  • aguacatero

    Ann, you're not fooling anyone.

    • BadKitty904

      OK, thanks for making me snarf tea all over my keyboard…

    • Oh, man, are there sufficient upfists on Teh IntarWebz?

  • Geminisunmars

    So this is what right-wing-nut-head-exploding sounds like. I think I'll keep it playing on a loop in the background for a few days. Just to extend my afterglow.

    • Periodically I feel a twinge of guilt for finding this so amusing, and then I read about some jerk firing 20 Latino employees because one of them wore an Obama teeshirt once, and then I don't feel so bad.

      • Geminisunmars

        I remember just how depressed and demoralized I, and my friends, felt in '04 when dubya retook the White House. And for a minute I feel a little bad for them. And then I get over it.

      • Willardbot9000_V2.5

        Yeah…or just go back through any racist rant archives on Huffington Post by right wing trolls and you'll feel better knowing they are in intense dissonance-fueled pain. Or…watch youtube for any Faux Nuuz smuggery by Hannity/Rove/Dick Morris/dim bulbed Barbie anchor chicks/Doooochey/Faux and Friends. I accidently flipped my teevee over to Fox Business Channel election night and got to watch sad clown Cavuto and his other smug self superior and completely over confident wingnut panelists look very dispirited…it was a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed watching poor KKKarl desperately try to lobby the "decision desk" as if forestalling the inevitable would save his tattered credibility..the humiliation conga line pulled in on EVERY fucking faux nuuz 'personality' and the whole scene was epic pure and simple…especially given the way they've demeaned everything Obama is for four years and treated him like he's subhuman…go fuck yourselves, wingnuts..ah, still there!

        • Today, KKKarl is telling the PoxOozeBots that Obama won by suppressing voter turnout.

          Srsly. I has Teh Amaze.

  • Disassembly

    "GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET!" Truly a lesson for us all.

    • Buckminster

      Yup, that'll help the discussion along, Lady. Have another shot.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    The butt-hurt is loud in this one.

    • rmjagg

      hindenburg II

  • Beowoof

    Man this fucking woman is pissed because she had to teach herself how to use her fucking computer and then after all that work you fuckers didn't share her facebook posts and that's the reason Mitt Rmoney lost. It's clear can't you tell. Now you better be guarding your precious bodily fluids from the Huns.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Sorry, Shelly. You can lead a horse to Facebook, but you can't make it Like.

  • One of my wingnut FB "friends" posted that she was "moving to Canada." Yes, motherfuckin' Canada, the Conservative Utopia.

    • Iam_Who_Iam

      I had the same post from one of my friends except she also proposed Mexico as a possibility. The exchange between her and another friend was pretty amusing:

      Girl: I can’t take 4 more years of this, I’m going to move. Mexico or Canada?

      Girl’s friend: Well, we’re less likely to get robbed and raped in Canada.

      Girl: Canada it is then.

    • MissNancyPriss

      I like how "Canada" has become some politically generic, mythical utopia for all unhappy Americans, like Narnia.

    • caitifty

      What's she going to do when she discovers Canada has immigration laws and only lets in people with skills they need? 'Cause I suspect the Canadians don't think their economy needs any lack-witted bigots.

  • Why is she not showing her face? Isn't she proud of her work?

    • dr_giraud

      Never look a Gorgon in the face.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Slightly OT, but Talking Points Memo had my favorite headline yesterday: "Election 2012: Liberal Schadenfreude Hits Impossible Heights"

    • We won't hit peak Schadenfreude until after the fail of peak wingnut (if there ever can be such a thing).

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "I'm so mad at Palin tonight. I could spit nails at her."

    Aahhhhh. Victory is sweet. So sweet.

  • barrison

    wow, dick morris is mad.

  • Cool rant, bro

  • johnnymeatworth

    Wow, Victoria Jackson's voice has dropped since SNL….

    • It was all that crying.

    • rmjagg

      and she's switched to buttershots and beer for meds

  • Troubledog

    This shit happens when your Hitachi is broken.

    • You know, you can just barbecue over a fire pit…

    • And you're using it inside and you never notice yer lily-white starts to turn crimson.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …she just got a computer 4 years ago? I wonder how the hell they trained a chimpanzee to use a computer it just 4 years?!?!?

  • coolhandnuke

    This is just one of the side effects of being Ted Nugents' laundry woman.

    • rmjagg

      the toxic stink is as dangerous as meths

  • UnholyMoses

    “Headphones up!” as the people with jobs say!

    Job? Job?!

    Obama's going to give all of us liberals free money as part of his Sharia law program.

    • Only if we gay marry a fascist or communist.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I have a jerb and no one here says that.

    • T3rbo

      Not if enough people post things on facebook

  • SexySmurf

    Does she kiss her cousin with that mouth?

    • rmjagg

      yes , if ' cousin ' is a euphemism for her secret parts

  • BadKitty904

    "Pssst. Your crazy is showing."

  • MonkeyMotion

    Can Sean Hannity tell me why Republicans are such angry, bitter people [roll clip]?


  • Youtube v2.0 and Shit-faced-book both will require all posters to pass through a metal detector for our safety, and not a moment too soon, too.

  • Disassembly

    I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful! I'm drunk. I'm drunk ! So what? I'm drunk. You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen, I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house. So, fuck it!

    • ph7

      My soulmate!

    • We'll do it live!

    • prommie

      Goonie Goo Goo!

  • Please, please, please don't be a relative of mine….

  • Geminisunmars

    I think Ginny Thomas should stick to making phone calls.

    • rmjagg

      clarence had the phones torn up . and so she out smarted him …

  • kissawookiee

    You wanna call me unhinged?!?!?!?!?!?

    It was a thought, yes.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Way ahead of ya, darlin'.

    • Buckminster

      Auntie Mabel?

  • FakaktaSouth

    Who'da thought Drudge sucking fucktards were crazy? And also, if this pussy-ass cunt wouldn't have disabled her comments, I'da said, fuck you back, you screaming nutjob with the PaulaPoundstone when drunk (always, right? Paula's always drunk?) voice.

    • DCBloom

      Paula Poundstone was doing that shtick long before Diane Sawyer

    • prommie

      Hey, where was this question? Whats going on?

      • FakaktaSouth

        What? Who? Where? Day drinking rules. It was on another article darling.

        • PuckStopsHere

          I bet nobody wants to come over when she washes her car!

        • prommie

          Its not day drinking, its you my dear, you intoxicate me, you make me dizzy.

  • not that Dewey


    Finally, something we can agree on.

    • BonoboReview


  • edgydrifter

    "You wanna see me become a bitch?"
    I didn't realize we had a choice.

    • BadKitty904

      And I'm not sure that's a trick question.

  • Troglodeity

    What makes it even funnier is she's from NEBRASKA.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    No, she's not unhinged at all. Fucking cunt.

  • barrison

    paging autotune the news peeps, the internet needs you.

  • Hee hee.

  • BadKitty904

    "Look, I probably should have told you this before, but, you see… well… insanity runs in my family… it practically gallops."

    • HarryButtle

      Brewster Mortimer libel!

      • HarryButtle

        Strike that. Reverse it. Thanks.

  • I can't "watch" this at work, but not because of any workplace "rules" per se, it's just that everyone would think that I'm really a demented dickhead.

    • BadKitty904

      My response would be "Waddaya MEAN, 'demented'?!?"

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      …everyone would know that I'm really a demented dickhead.


      • Look, I may be demented, I may be uncouth, I may be a communist, I may be a dickhead, but I am definitely not a communist!

        Wait, what were we talking about again?

    • No headphones?

  • Baconzgood

    it took her a year to learn how to work a computer? I hope it had rust proofing 'cause those Collecos rust up on ya pretty quick.

  • Craig

    Sat thru the entire 25 minutes. What do I win?

    • Geminisunmars

      A bigger pee-ness.

    • One_who_wanders

      My amazed admiration!

    • A buttershot!

      • ProgressiveInga

        With chips and cheese dip.

    • Fare la Volpe

      Brain hemorrhage.

    • CommieLibunatic

      An all-expenses-paid trip to the brain bleacher. We'll even throw in a coupon for a bottle of butterscotch schnapps!

    • rmjagg

      a 25 minute shortening of life

    • WhatTheHeck

      With admiration, I have to ask, has anyone ever told you you were a masochist?

  • Troglodeity

    Dankert schoen!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Half a mind to edit this audio. Shouldn't be hard to clip all the FUCKIN' together.

    • Geminisunmars

      That would reduce it to a 22 minute video.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        And blow out my speakers from the force of her “hurled” invective.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Call the Gregory Brothers, post haste!

    • i saw yesterday somebody set it to muzak. it was pretty funny.

  • ph7

    The brief flashes of her room fascinates me.

    4-5 remote controls.
    Two computer monitors, one working.
    One small tube television
    Generic brand snack bags (one potato chips, other pretzel bits?)
    Drink glass resembling canning jar.
    Smokes and a lighter.
    Holding an open beverage can (blue in color)
    round metal butter cookie gift tin
    Drudge on the monitor.
    Crazy lady clutter everywhere else

    • Troglodeity

      You missed the giant black vibrator.

    • BadKitty904

      What? No cats???

      • ThundercatHo

        They're all hiding under the trailer.

      • elviouslyqueer

        They're planning on eating her after she passes out.

    • not that Dewey

      She's still got a long way to go to unseat Skoalrebel.

      • He seems like a nice young man compared to this raving bitch.

        • not that Dewey

          Fuckin gay as hell, man.

      • ButthurtWingers2012

        true…you have to train if you want to outdo Skoalrebel…that shit requires a commitment. I mean just think about it, at age 4 he took his first wad o' dip and shoved it into his maw. At age 4 he dropped his first N-bomb and at age 10 his family realized they could no longer keep track of his age. Every birthday for Skoalrebel features a cake (made up of shreded porn mags and tobacco with a giant 'bad ass' stars n' bars flag on top and a stylized NASCAR number 3 on the side) with ??? marks and shot glasses. He has reached the epitome of redneck dumb…he's the alpha neck. This imbecile in all her Hoveround glory cannot even begin to outdo Skoalrebel…shit's not even a competition!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      I need her interior designer's number.

    • Dildeaux

      Thats commitment you see. Not clutter.

  • FNMA

    Mom? It's going to be another great Thanksgiving!

  • not that Dewey

    "I spent 8 months in a Palin group. And for what?"

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I'd ask the exact same question.

    • BadKitty904


    • Fare la Volpe


    • MissTaken


    • ph7

      Your turn to host (NSA)?

    • BonoboReview

      I think we can all agree with her on this: we are so goddamn mad at sarah palin that we could spit nails at her.

    • SorosBot

      "A night with wine coolers, no condoms and a babby nine months later"

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Girl crush.

  • reallythatsnice

    No children and living alone–spending thousands of hours on the net. Imagine a first date with her.

  • YouBetcha

    I'd hit that.

    • rmjagg

      ohjesuschrist ….

    • ClassicPoopMoat

      with a cricket bat? I'd have to agree.

  • Oh, this is glorious.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Shit Fer Brains…

  • The United States of America is now officially a socialist country.

    But hasn't it been for the previous 4 years?

    • BadKitty904

      "Officially"? So, Congress passed it and everything?

      • MissTaken

        They did! It was very surprising, since the GOP still control the House. But they all decided to reach across the aisle and say "Yay Socialism! Boo Capitalism!". I'm surprised you didn't see this on the news.

        • SorosBot

          I hear Boehner's writing up the Free Monies for the Poors bill even as we speak.

          • ButthurtWingers2012

            hah! maybe if you got him drunk enough and posed as a lobbyist…

    • An Islamic Caliphate.

  • Oh, the sloshing and clinking of her drink is a nice touch.

  • HAHA, they're blaming Ron Paul for siphoning votes??

    • NellCote71

      The Ralph Nader of 2012.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Wait, so that is how to use the Internet?

    I've been doing it all wrong.

  • kittensdontlie

    "About 90% of you are mentally disabled."

    Now she is throwing away her chance to become President.

    • NellCote71

      That is a whole lot more than 47%.

  • lumpenprole

    "AND, YES, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO 'CHANGE YOUR MIND,' once you've been convinced of something long ago…"
    It seems like those words are headed towards some sort of self-awareness, but no.

    "I spent eight months in a Palin group. For what?" The Lulz.

    • T3rbo

      Facebook is a real thing, right?

  • YouBetcha

    She had chips, cheez dip, beer, butterscotch Schnapps and a pack of smokes for dinner. I think I dated her.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog


  • Sounds like Limbaugh finally started broadcasting in his mother's wig.

    • BadKitty904

      Like a bloated, pasty Norman Bates…

    • rmjagg

      he's always been broadcasting in his mother's wig , it's called a reverse wig that make you bald – clowns wear them all the time …

    • ButthurtWingers2012

      except his mother had the exact same hairline, smoked cigars and wore the same tarp-sized clothing to hold her fat ass…which means he's ALWAYS in drag…spooky.

  • DahBoner

    With a personality like this she must be great in bed, amirite guys?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Well, at the very least, she knows the colloquialism for that act of congress.

    • YouFail4eva

      Will not hit that

    • elviouslyqueer

      You gotta hit it *clap clap* to quit it!

    • rmjagg

      a bed of what ?

      • Nails, like as not. She's been spitting them at Sarah.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Only marginally better than trying to fuck a bonfire.

    • Sure, if you survive.

    • ChuckieJesus

      I can't help it – she sounds exactly like this stone butch I knew once. Only knew her, don't know what she was like in bed. She had a lot of girlfriends so maybe….

  • RelicOven

    The tears, they sustain me.

  • BartStarrland

    Ironic – she's mad about people not sharing.

  • myykuul

    Think she talks to the rest of her herd like this?

  • Looks like FOX News has a replacement for that RINO Greta Van Sustren.

  • wood50

    She's gotta stop waxing the hairs off her chest.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    She (if we can call her that) is a coward for diabling comments. Someone send her this Wonkette posting.

  • Wow, she looks like a, uh liberal.

    • One_who_wanders

      Holy her favorite word, she looks more masculine than me and I am a former rugby prop.

    • Fare la Volpe

      The Birkenstocks are strong with this one.

      • and self-loathing.

      • elviouslyqueer

        And the Subaru 4×4.

      • Veritas78

        Oh dear me, that's funny.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Wrong L-word.

    • MegPasadena

      This explains the Palin group thing.

    • BoroPrimorac

      She's a conservative feminist.

  • Mahousu

    Wait a sec – she previously posted an hour-long rant to the effect that Romney was no different than Obama – in fact, Romney was Obama. So why did she care who won?

    Warning: she does appear herself in the other video.

    • Mojopo

      I think that's Ann Barnhardt, but I didn't see the whole video so maybe I goofed. I found another Shelly D. on Goog's image cache and she has a buzz job. Imma go ahead and say "unaware lez" and no wonder she has a boner for Palin.

    • wow not at all how i pictured her.

  • Barrelhse

    Nice paneling.
    I hope she's moved to do something dramatic that will earn her a Darwin Award.

  • "I'll be happy to fucking greet you at my door, I'll be happy to find you in my bed…"

    She may be trying to tell us something.

    • Toomush_Infer

      That's as far as I got, but I think she was talking to the Rand folks, so sorry to deflate your fantasies, blifil….

  • UnholyMoses

    It's not the fact she's all shouty that bothers me.

    It's the fact she recorded it and posted it to the Intratubes.

  • Pat_Pending

    what's a buttershot?

    • MissTaken

      It's when you freebase butterscotch schnapps and then post your rant on YouTube. It's the RickRoll of 2012.

      • Pat_Pending

        Oh, yes… 'never gonna give her up, never gonna let her go…'

  • DCBloom

    To be fair, I went on a similar rant about Nader back in the day……

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Really? Really? Did your rant have cigarettes, Cheet-os and cheese dip? Because that's what sent this over the top for me.

      • DCBloom

        Ha! I have since quit smoking, but yeah, there were cigarettes. Alas, no Cheetos, but I think chocolate & bong hits were involved

  • Cannot stop listening to this, may have to cue it up again when I'm done.

  • Pat_Pending

    This is FABULOUS!!!

  • ZN1300

    Is her boyfriend a french model she met on the internet?

    • Fare la Volpe

      That's just silly.

      He's obviously a Nigerian prince.

    • SorosBot

      He's Canadian; you wouldn't know him.

    • Uh-oh.

  • Poindexter718

    How is it that this lovely woman is still childless and single and eats her chip-and-dip dinners alone?

    • BadKitty904

      A socialist conspiracy, no doubt.

    • Dudes keep escaping from her van?

  • JadedPreppy

    She's going to sail through menopause.

    • PuckStopsHere


    • emmelemm

      That is good.

  • Not_So_Much

    Super easy to masturbate to.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Word. I may as well burn my copy of Princess Nubilia versus the Shibarimancer

  • BonoboReview

    Do I ask her where i can get an Obama phone?

    • Fare la Volpe

      I think an Obama phone sounds cool — the ringtone could be "I Got a Crush on Obama."

      • Toomush_Infer

        Uncle Obama….I like the shape of your banana…..Ringtone!…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I wonder, can someone autotune this? Would make a great dance mix song.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Better yet, could we get the Shat to orate this. Just a few seconds will suffice.

      • elviouslyqueer

        OH HELL YES.

      • I'll be, um, holidaying in Antartica, if anyone wants me. (Aside: Hey, they got Internets there? Anybody know?)

        • NellCote71


          • DAMN it. (leafs through atlas again)

    • ♫♪ Fuck Fuck Fucking
      Obama O-O-O-bama bama
      Fucking won you assholes
      This Mah Supper
      uh whatdyacallit
      Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheeeeeeese Diupp
      Cheeese DipDip ♪♫

      • CommieLibunatic

        Sprinkle it with a "shawty" here and there, and we're platinum.

  • Pat_Pending

    Closeted lesbian? Cuz that latency thing can sure make a body ANGRY.

  • cassamandra

    It's Schadenboner, not Schadenfreude. Or Schadenpussyhoney.

  • copiki

    But guys, she's been busting her ass!

    • BonoboReview

      She is very effective on youtube.

  • PuckStopsHere

    She lives alone? What the fucking fuck is wrong with the American male that they've let this catch get away? This broad needs to get a prick stuck in her. Stat.

    • HELLO!! I'VE GOT A VA – GI – NA!! (slosh, clink)

  • YOU WANNA CALL ME UNHINGED? /ice clinks in glass

    • T3rbo


  • BonoboReview

    In retrospect, I think we can comfortably attribute Romney's loss on people not posting things on Facebook.

    • T3rbo

      That's why all those people die of cancer, people don't repost what they should

  • Botlrokit

    Why the blackout screen? She doesn't want this to be an audition for Hoarders.

    • BadKitty904

      I think the camera was filming her soul.

      • Botlrokit

        Damn. Yours is the greatest answer, ever.

        • BadKitty904


  • solrobins6

    I love when she is like LOOOHHHHKK

  • T3rbo

    Where is this nice lady's husband at?

    • BadKitty904

      In the crawlspace?

    • MissTaken

      Minneapolis-St Paul Airport men's bathroom?

      • T3rbo

        FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE THE FUCKING INTERNET (also, she had chips and cheese dip for dinner because she was working so hard on facebook for romney hahahahahahaha)

    • Botlrokit

      at the liquor store. He knows better.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Um, under the basement floor?…

    • T3rbo

      trick question: he was never born awww

    • SorosBot

      On the nightstand; he's made of plastic and gears and takes two AA batteries.

    • The Safe Room?

  • cassamandra

    I wonder why she lives alone?

  • scorpy1

    Every fukcing executive order he signed, every goddamn bill he signed will all remain standing, doesn't matter how much bitching you do

    What price bitchery?

  • Pat_Pending

    Bamz is not a muslin. He's a black liberation theologian. This was what made it worth getting to the 22-minute point!

    • SorosBot

      No, he's a Muslim and he had a radical anti-American Christian preacher and he's a secret atheist also too. This is wingnut land, where logic and consistency don't apply.

  • T3rbo
  • HELisforHEL

    OMFG this is gold, comedy gold! Thank you!

    • BadKitty904

      This woman has *got* to be a figment of The Onion's imagination.

  • SorosBot

    And speaking of facebook and unhinged post-election wingnut rants:

    "Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt. "

    • bflrtsplk

      “`Do you work for someone who voted for Obama? Quit your job.“

      Yeah, another wingnut with a gun and no job. Nothin` wrong with that picture.

      • SorosBot

        Oh the dude seems crazy and ready to snap; it's amazing. And he gets even more insane in the comments. For example, did you know that the US is now a fascist country because the government says you have to wear a seat belt?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Let's hope he ignores that fascist edict.

    • T3rbo

      I see your rant and raise you one facebook "friend"

      Denver Martin
      If you voted for that Negro.delete me we are not freinds

    • elviouslyqueer

      And here I was, thinking that "talking out of your ass" was just a figure of speech.

      • BadKitty904

        Only with some people…

      • Leaves your mouth free for butterscotch schnapps!

    • SexySmurf

      The sad part is that all their huffing and puffing will be over in, like, a week, so savor it like a fine wine (whine?) while you can.

      • T3rbo

        no they are all moving to Canada, honest

        • SorosBot

          Where they'll escape that socialist universal health care!

        • CommieLibunatic

          Yeah, and Rush Limbaugh will actually move to Costa Rica.

  • bflrtsplk

    That was El Rushbo`s little sister, no?

  • MonkeyBiz

    I nominate her for Shrieking White-Hot Rage Orb.


  • mariannemann

    I'm sorry, Frau Nugent, that I wasn't able to share … I was laughing too hard …

  • cousinitt

    Didn't know Michelle Malkin had a twin.

  • HELisforHEL

    OMFG this is gold, comedy gold! Thank you!

  • GET OFF MAH INTARWEBZ! I listened to it over and over and FORCED my poor partners into listening to it too. (beams proudly)

    Wife thought it was hilarious. She's still enjoying it.

    • T3rbo

      I know-I can't stop saying GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET

      • I'd love to shout "I WILL KEEEEL YOU!!" like she does, but worry about how the neighbours will react.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Surprisingly, she's anti-birther! "Obama was born in fucking Hawaii. There's 2 goddamn newspaper reports even if they're both fakes! You're dumber than shit!" Many expletives follow.

    • Not_Mother

      And Bronco is NOT A MUSLIN!! But, inexplicably, he will convert AFTER this term! Now that's some fuckin' wingnuttery.

    • CommieLibunatic

      Like my (friendly, yet regrettably pro-Romney) boss says, even a blind pig can find an acorn every so often.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!

  • "Hi, I'm Shelly and I fuckin' stole the teevee!" Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Derrrrrrrrrrp!

  • HarryButtle

    "I'll be happy to find you in my bedroom in the middle of the night."

    Oh, sweetie, I'll bet you would. Maybe if you actually got fucked, you'd stop screaming so much about getting fucked. Cunt.

    • BadKitty904

      Based on this vid, it appears us homos don't give you str8 boys enough credit for y'all's part in keeping the race going and all. That there's one mighty tough row to hoe…

      • Jus_Wonderin

        If this was really a socialist country (communist?) I could use my sickle to de-schlong myself so I'd never have to confront that "row".

      • Or hoe to row.

  • Do we have a dossier on "Shelly L. Dankart" yet?

    • I posted this earlier but I'll happily post it again for teh lulz.

      • cousinitt

        Uh, oh my. I'm not sure I'm feeling all that lulzy, more like queasy, and sorta concerned about visiting Nebraska ever again.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      U.N sez yes.

    • BadKitty904

      The Homintern has nothing. Yet.

  • gullywompr

    Now see, if Shelly had only subscribed to and heeded my youtoob channel, she'd be on cloud 9 today.

  • iTuna

    "Go to hell, Libertarians! Kiss my ass, you fuckers that think you voted for something!"

    I agree.

  • GortRay

    The heady mix of teatard politics and trailer-park meth. Yummmm…


    OT, from Pat Buchanan,
    ‎"White America died last night. Obama's reelection killed it. Our 200 plus year history as a Western nation is over. We're a Socialist Latin American country now. Venezuela without the oil."


    • iTuna

      Daily Currant's a parody site. Two-bit Onion.

      • bobbert

        What's great is all the commenters there who don't seem to realize that.

    • BadKitty904

      Buchanan's still around? I'da thought he'd've shot himself in his bunker by now…

    • SorosBot

      Yay! I think we should all celebrate the death of white America, and birth of the new nation that actually looks like America.

      (And yeah, that's what all the assholes like Victoria Jackson mean when they scream "America is dead!", but most try to hide their racism while Pat revels in it).

    • CommieLibunatic

      He means like how America died in 2008, too? I guess we must all be prepared to die a thousand deaths to stop Obama or something.

      Also, what? "Venezuela without the oil"? Somebody hasn't heard of fracking or the Gulf of Mexico.

  • Jus_Wonderin


  • "Andrew Breitbart this is…war." They're actually praying to his dessicated corpse now!

    • But at least she admits that Hopey didn't kill him!

  • rkgist

    Hokey smokes. Amazin'. I only listened to the first 2 minutes-any more would have seared my brain. The woman is batshit crazy. And she's not alone. "Get the fuck off the internet!" Indeed.

  • rickmaci

    Victoria Jackson is on Facebook?

  • owhatever

    She seems upset. I don't care.

  • Yellerdawg

    Ah, she just took my 2004 rant and changed the names.

  • W88

    Mom, is that you?

    • SHHHHH, she'll hear us. Be VEWY QUIET.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    To be fair, if there had been a camera on me the night Scott Walker beat the recall, it would have sounded a lot like this: chain smoking, ice in the drink clinking, and sooooo many swears.

    • CommieLibunatic

      The question is whether you'd post nearly a half-hour of the episode on the Internet or not.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Also? My indignation was righteous!

  • rickmaci

    "…I don't have children, I live alone…" Why is that not a surprise?

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Not sure if actor 212 way up thread had the actual closed caption on, or just meant the added text, but the CC is nearly as funny as the audio.

  • scionkirk

    Wow, in hindsight, we really let Nader off the hook.

  • poorgradstudent

    Oh, STFU conservatives, you all got someone who would have been considered a moderate Republican just 20 years ago. Meanwhile we libs faced the prospect of getting in the vice presidency a Libertarian Granny Starving Sociopath whose economic philosophy would have – best case scenario – ONLY destroyed this nation's economy. Deal.

    • No fair! I saw her first!

    • HarryButtle

      That's my new Congresswoman!

      (I live in the one of the only truly blue districts in Maricopa County)

    • BoroPrimorac

      I've been in love with her for a while.

  • rickmaci

    Pack of smokes, half bag of chips and cheese dip for dinner, beer, butterscotch schnaps. Forty one and living her life in a state of rage in front of two computer monitors. Wingtard womanhood. Makes me sad, really.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I think I defriended her on facebook during the last election.

  • Interestingly, her YouTube profile says she is a (sometimes) Romney basher. But then, weren't all of these whiny bitches before he got the nomination by default?

  • not that Dewey

    The Despair Witch Project

  • upthruster

    The best part about the whole thing is the fact that she leaves the screen blank through most of her rant…would not be as entertaining if you could see her face.

  • Misty Malarky


  • TheMightyHaltor

    She's surrounded by cigarettes, booze, and potato chips. She should be praying for single payer even more than us libtards.

  • ringletwraith

    Is that God talking?

  • Dildeaux

    Angry single 41 year old smoker woman is angry.

    Ladie and gent, I give you… the republican base.

  • midnighttoker69


    That was awesome … please wonkette, please bring me more wingnut pain. More meltdowns, more crying, more loud drunken proclamations that life as we know it is over. I want more …. more more more … and then I'm gonna apply for welfare … knock somebody up, and have lots and lots of free abortions.

    (Actually, I think that was really donald trump using some sort of voice disguising device)

    • We were going to try and shoe-shop and squeeze in a visit to the abortionplex, but it's tough for two guys to get pregnant.

      • midnighttoker69

        Keep trying. This is America, anything is possible.

        • You know how it is, when you're LGBTQ. All them straight folks keep telling you You're Doing Eeet Rong, so you have to practice. Lots and lots of practice.

  • mr fuflans (who could not listen to more than 30 seconds last night) reminded me we were pretty much like this in 2004.

    though, of course, it was cabernet instead of buttershots and beer.
    also, arugula and hummus instead of chips and dip.
    also, worst president in american history reelected instead of mildly left of center moderately successful president reelected.

    still! i feel her pain.

    • HarryButtle

      Me, too. The difference is, we didn't feel the need to share our frustration with the whole world via YouTube.

      • Negropolis

        That, and our two-minute hate was literally about two minutes, and then we just went back to making stupid jokes about stupid Dubya.

  • Weenus299

    Holy fucking shit. This is my son in the form of a woman.

  • FieryLocks

    Love how she screams for people to ''learn to use the internet or get the fuck off it'' when she says it took her a year to figure out how to use her computer she purchased just 4 years ago. I can just imagine her at Best Buy waiting in line with her laptop with her dreams of conservative blogging, YouTubing, and Facebooking…just to have it all blow up in her face 4 years later (minus the year it took her to figure out her new computer).

  • labman57

    Anguished and distraught conservative pundits, bloggers, and amateur advocates are wallowing in the cesspool of their own vitriol and reality-devoid rhetoric, complaining that the rest of the nation — after having gotten a good whiff of the stench — opted to not join them.

  • dellessanna

    I love how self important she is. XD She acts as though she alone could have won the election for Romney. XD OMG.

  • hagajim

    She said to learn how to use the internet to fucking get off – amiright? In that case I got off on listening to her completely lose her shit for 25 minutes (truly only lasted about 20)…but man some people are sore losers. Then I went to my favorite you porn site and used the internet to get off – like she said. Ha!

  • christianmuslin

    If we could just get them mad enough to unregister to vote.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'd hate to play Farmville with her.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    No wire hangars!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I get no video, just the audio. But I think I met her at the bar the other night.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Someone may have said this, but maybe all that free time she talks about, maybe she's on Social Security for some kind of mental disability.

    I made 5 minutes.

  • pdiddycornchips

    "I don't know why the fuck I bother"

    Lady, you're sitting alone drinking and eating generic chips and cheese from a can. What else you got to do?

  • Pith_n_Vinegar

    "It's not settling well with me."

    To say the least. LOL

  • BoroPrimorac

    This is from her Youtube bio: I have self-diagnosed A.D.D.

    Every moron I know has self diagnosed A.D.D..

  • malsperanza

    "I spend hours upon hours upon hours mining the news and finding things to post for you to share with other people and yet very little of you do it. … [FB] is a good tool of the left to use against them! The people on the right can't seem to figure that out… Branch out, make some sort of an impact!"

    This explains so much about why the election was close. For the past 10 weekends my team and I have been canvassing in PA, 6 or 7 hours a day, rain or shine, walking door to door, talking to voters, registering new voters, helping people fill out applications for absentee ballots, making sure people in retirement homes had rides to the polling place and understood the Photo ID law, identifying swing and undecided voters, and then 4 straight days of GOTV on foot in frigid cold, sometimes with a flashlight after dark, and then in the evenings on the phone banks … and yeah, despite a week's onslaught of Rombot robocalls and TV and radio ads and the Bot himself and Li'l Bot both running rallies at the end there, we delivered PA for Obama.

    But if I had only known! All we needed to do was sit at home and eat chips and drink schnapps and POST LINKS on FB. Damn, that would have been so much easier.

    We are really dumb. :-(

    • bloggingbalkanistan

      OT: a sincere thanks for your GOTV effort, you guys are amazing.

  • "Figure out how to use the Internet, or get the fuck off of it…"

    This from a woman who took a year to learn how to use a computer.

  • aklibtard

    Sitting alone, eating generic chips, in generic dip, smoking generic cigarettes, and drinking generic booze, having a total meltdown about people not sharing her crazy anti-Obama Facebook posts. This must be the saddest thing I've ever seen. Even her ice queen, Sarah Palin let her down. I don't even know if schadenfreude is possible here.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    Does her face melt off at the end? If so I'll watch it.

  • gingerland62

    As a former bartender,I can attest, schnapps drinkers are bad tippers and highly unstable.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    So much awesome. I love that she's going off on the Libertarians. We should start a conspiracy to convince the Republicans that the reason they lost this election is because Gary Johnson siphoned off a critical number of votes from Romney. If we could get these assholes to waste half as much time with this kind of shit as the Democrats did whining about Nader in 2000 instead of having the balls to effectively fight Bush in the first place, it would be a major victory.

  • Wile E. Quixote

    We should set her up with her own daily podcast or a show on XM where she can go totally ballistic like this for three hours. I think that there's a huge potential market for a foul-mouthed, relatively eloquent (compared to the rest of the Wingnut-O-Sphere), ranting, profane chain-smoking, cheet-o eating, cheese dip snarfing fat chick. Especially if you programmed her opposite one of the weaker conservatives such as Glenn Beck or Mike Huckabee. Either that or send her on the road to do a one-woman show as a sort of distaff version of Mike Daisey.

    "My other account on Facebook was called 'RightWingKookTank'."
    "People who know me call me 'kook', and I like it. Evil Conservative Industries, I should be the CEO."

  • Wile E. Quixote

    OMFG. She's shitting on the truthers, the birthers and the Ron Paul crowd. And she's denying that Obama is a Muslim. She has no future.

  • Negropolis

    Angry bitch disables comments. Exactly.

  • NellCote71

    Where do I sign up for the free phone everyone is talking about? And why wasn't I told earlier? Should I have gotten one the minute I voted for Obama? If so, I am calling voter fraud?

  • ttommyunger

    Don't need to click on this, I can hear it anywhere in this neck of the woods 24/7.

  • celty

    Hide me mommy that lady is scary !

  • harumpa

    Performance Art par excellent! I was buying it until she started unloading on Palin.

  • usuhname

    might I just add – aaaaaaha hahahahah.
    Another model republican! She needs some anger-management or stronger schnapps or a colonoscopy…definitely something.

    Maybe she could do with some of that nice NoBamacare? Her blood pressure must be through the roof!

  • ClassicPoopMoat

    wait, Obama won?

  • TribecaMike


  • I think her ex-husband is a neighbor of mine. He spends most of his time curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, sobbing quietly. Now I know why.

  • awwalk56

    Well shellymicAB there is only one honorable thing left to do. Get yourself a rope, a three legged stool, find yourself a tree with a limb strong enough to support your 240 pound rotundus self and introduce your troglodyte ass to jesus.

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