YOU'RE WELCOME  2:01 pm November 8, 2012

Nice Lady Goes On Epic 23-Minute Potty Rant Because Her Friends Didn’t Share Her Romney Posts On Facebook

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

u mad? The fact that shellymicAB’s Youtube rant is unembeddable is a crime against Wonkette. But for those of you who have been begging us to repeat our billion-post Tuesday schedule so as to keep schadening your Freude (unaware that we conducted Election Day, like the Iraq War, “off-budget”), well, here should be the happiest 25 minutes of your life. “Headphones up!” as the people with jobs say! [YouTube]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 465 comments }

Pookums November 8, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Butterscotch schnapps is the new liquid angry.

Maman November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

who would have guessed? Butterscotch seems so cheerful! Like a grandma's hug.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

It's golden….

Barbara_ November 8, 2012 at 2:03 pm

The shit doesn't fall far from the bat, does it?

weejee November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

I think she's one of the new (evolved – gasp) giant flightless bats. Blind too, as can be seen in the video.

Barbara_ November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Rebecca posted it on twitter before it was posted here and I made it 13 minutes into the rant before I tossed the other half of my lunch out in disgust, lol.

Boojum November 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm

I made two, but I'm sick so I have an excuse.

smashedinhat November 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Heh, had to clean the snot off my lip.

mrpuma2u November 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

That tea turd needs to be flushed.

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm

This. This is what we live with in red-hell central. This. Please help me. I'm always scared.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm

(Hugs you) Po' li'l kitteh. Stick close to us, we'll keep you safe.

SoBeach November 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

I want to party with her, man.

Not_So_Much November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Get in line buddy.

BonoboReview November 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

YOU ARE OF NO USE TO ANYONE! SHUT YOUR FUCKING ACCOUNTS DOWN!

RomneysLogCabin November 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I'm in! Well, at least until the bath salts come out.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

If she bares her teeth and goes for your leg, RUN!

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Don't make eye contact?

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:28 pm

Don't get close enough to let her see the whites of your eyes, dude.

rickmaci November 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Where do I get my Obamaphone?

DickWharfinger November 9, 2012 at 1:25 am

This is the real Donalds favorite lady. He would come after you with his tweet machine.

SeanMEnright November 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Haha love the *clinky-clinky* sound in the background.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

It's Buttershots, whatever the fuck that is.

Crank_Tango November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

butterscotch schnapps and kahlua.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

*barf*

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Even the thought makes my teeth hurt.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

And here I was hoping it was organic lube for the whole "P-E-N-I-S in the anus" thing.

ThundercatHo November 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm

It may be, she did invite folks into her bedroom in the middle of the night.

Isyaignert November 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Goes great with meth-flavored 100% crack crackers. Just like liver 'n' onions.

Beowoof November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Something that redneck America seems to like, moonshine and drawn butter.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

A Butt-hurt Shot!

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Ha!

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

That should totes go viral.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Haha, you beat me to it!

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

25 minutes?! I love seeing the wingnust get unglued and unhinged following the Scary Black Kenyan's re-election, but that's a bit much.

An_Outhouse November 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

OMG, that's my mother's voice.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Is it coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE?

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Or inside her head?

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Jesus, kid, give up your day job!

Mojopo November 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

OMG, I was just thinking, "This sounds like my long-ago ex." I just had PTSD.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

I listened to that FOUR TIMES last night, and all through it I was thanking the powers that be that I don't know ANYbody like that. Any more, that is.

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 4:41 pm

OMG does your mother kiss you with that mouth?

BumbleKid November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

The fuck?

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Seriously, dude. The *fuuuuuuck*???

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 4:33 pm

also: the fuck is that image?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 5:00 pm

It's from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" when the Nazi's open the Ark of the Covenant. It was also repeated several times at Romney's 'victory party' by enraged/ terrified bigoted white people afraid 'their' country is gone for good…the social pyramid of ignorant, rich white assholes at the top is BROKEN! OH NOEZZZZZ!111!!!111

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm

yes of course it is.

duh. gave me nightmares as a child.

OurHoboSenator November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"Figure out how to use the fucking Internet, or get the fuck off of it."

This should be everyone's motto.

FieryLocks November 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Funny thing though, she says that when she said it took her a year to figure out how to use her computer that she only purchased 4 years ago.

Blueb4sinrise November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

OT
Have at least temporarily changed grav in honor of Lubbock attorney linked by Terry in Wonkville.
http://everythinglubbock.com/fulltext?nxd_id=1313

weejee November 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Watch for a visit by men in black from Boner's new House UN American Committee in 3, 2, 1…

Isyaignert November 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Wow – thanks for sharing that awesome story. Yay Rob Hobson! Plus your office building is a work of art.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I was going to ask if it was time to change flags or wut.

Andrew Drinker November 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

she mad bro?

EDIT: dammit, alt text beat me to it.

outragedcitizen November 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Wow! I mean, just wow! Somebody please take the booze and any firearms away from this woman!

GemlikeFlame November 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Oxygen too, while they're at it.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

No no! Odds are she'll take a few more like her with her!

Thinning the herd. With votes.

caitifty November 8, 2012 at 6:45 pm

The clinking of ice cubes in her shot glass says you're a bit late for one of those..

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Someone posted that on an earlier thread and I couldn't get through fucking goddamn three fucking minutes of that fucking screaming loathsome tard.

weejee November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

no fucking way

BumbleKid November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I made it to 4:04, but now I think I need to lie down.

DaniloTifoso November 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I did around 6-9 seconds and wanted to open a vein

DemmeFatale November 8, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Bingo!

just_a_head November 9, 2012 at 12:18 am

01:23

That's as much as I could take. She was so ill-spoken. Can that be the opposite of well-spoken? Inarticulate isn't quite enough and idiotic is too generous.

Crank_Tango November 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

That was pretty hard to masturbate to.

(full disclosure, I posted the same comment on this vid on gawker and they thought I was the funniest person on earth. I owe it all to my fellow wonkettiers, which is good news for mccain)

weejee November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The Gawkers lead such a shielded life. They never go out without wearing condoms.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I did something similar on Twitter. Someone mentioned that the GOP election algoritms were screwy and I posted "But algorithms is fat!"

*shrug*

For a moment I lost focus, what can I say?

RomneysLogCabin November 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

So is the Donald, but if you squint at the hairpiece long enough…

Fred_Wertham_Jr November 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

You've been polishing and perfecting this joke for a long time, so I'm not surprised. It's also simple enough for a Gawker commenter to understand. They'll wonder why you spelled "masturbate" like that, though.

weejee November 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Been skipping our meds have we?

berkeleyfarm November 8, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Friends don't let friends drink butterscotch schnapps!

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 3:14 am

I sure wouldn't her headache in the morning.

Mittens Howell, III November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Ann Coulter is on facebook?

Joshua Norton November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Shorter version:

NOOOOO. (breathe). NOOOOOOOOOOO.

HogeyeGrex November 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Oh. You mean this guy.

tihond November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Oddly enough, her friends would have shared this on facebook.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Right? I mean, how weird is it she's all butthurt because her friends wouldn't share her posts, but here she disables….um, a form of sharing?

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

I think they did. It might even have gone viral. (beams proudly again)

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I did

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Allow me to shake your paw.

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I'll have my drink on the rocks, much like Romney's campaign hopes.

Isyaignert November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Methinks she doth protest too much.

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Methinks she doth drink too much.

PhilippePetain November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Shelly L Dankert / Palin '16!

I've been debating whether or not to Facebook friend her, for laffs…

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 5:10 pm

She wants all you fucking libtards to know she's not friending you! AND she'll block you on Twitter, too. So there.

PhilippePetain November 8, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Yet she just hopes HOPES that we come to her bedroom at midnight!

freddymcmurray November 9, 2012 at 1:08 am

I'm not 100% convinced that Dankert isn't Palin.

PhilippePetain November 9, 2012 at 5:52 pm

HA! Palin after a couple of "buttershots"; wish we could have gotten that on the stage at some point during '08…

freddymcmurray November 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm

I'm not 100% convinced that we didn't. :)

ThundercatHo November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Does she ever show herself cuz I'm picturing her as the "Sweet Home Alabama" lady now. Oh, and hahahahahahahahahahahahah, *breath* hahahahahahahahahahah. So many potential tshirt and bumper sticker slogans.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 5:12 pm

I think that I saw scooter peel-out marks and trails on the floor…just saying, but to the fat wingnutted among us, don't lay down rage donuts with your scooters…the sad Drudge sirens was a hilarious moment as well haha! She disabled commentso or I would have written, "hurts doesn't it? Obama 2012, bitch…America, love it or leave it and we'll be happy to grease the door so you can fit out of it for you"

SmutBoffin November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I just told a friend that the LD50 of schadenfreude is ~20 gloating blog/Facebook/Twitter posts. (Our editrix may need an intervention, lest we be deprived of her dazzling smile permanently.)

Also, this rant is worth a listen. It's an recording of the uncensored thoughts inside a crumbling conservative psyche.

Dumbedup November 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I am suffering acute schadenfreude intoxication and could only take 5 minutes, lest my organs fail

HogeyeGrex November 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

I sort of love it when she excoriates the truthers, birthers and conspiracy nutters.

Yes, folks. This woman is the voice of reason in the modern Republican Party.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

OK, I have to speak in her defense. Unlike most of her ilk, she's drunk but not insane (difficult as that might be to believe). Towards the end of her rant, she trashes all the various conspiracy theorists, with particular vicious emphasis on birfers and Islamophobes. It is a delight, when they eat their own.

Iam_Who_Iam November 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Yeah, she almost sounded sane for a second until she slipped into a rant about how Obama had never been to an Independence Day parade. Cuz, um, you know they don't have them in Hawaii, or any of those radical college towns he lived in.

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 5:03 pm

never attended the turtle races? the shame.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Yeah, ok, you got me. :) She really is fucking bonkers.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 5:16 pm

I have to say smut…I've spent 2 years since those bullshit 2010 elections waiting for the sweet, sweet moment when every pasty smug wingnut in America's head exploded in unison when they A) figured America is NOT center-right after all and B) had to watch with sad clown faces as the 'dark African' one finished off whatever smug, smarmy reichwing pasty asshole they put in front of him. These past two days have been FUCKING epic…the most enjoyable two days of politics in my life. The only thing that remains undone is to see Karl Rove be unceremoniously discarded from the right as he is once again discredited for the 3rd fucking time in six years….still waiting for that one but it'll come soon.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I'll bet she goes to church every Sunday and lets everybody know how much she loves Jesus, too.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

The power of Christ needs to fucking compel her.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

To shut up.

caitifty November 8, 2012 at 6:47 pm

And that's only going to last until she discovers Jesús is a brown.

edgydrifter November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Hon, there's this new feature on Facebook that lets you ignore shit that your drunken moron "friends" post. Shhh… it's OK. I'm sorry I had to break it to you like this. Here, have some more schnapps.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

WTF is a "buttershot"? And water? It sounds….kinky, and yet nasty. All at the same time.

An_Outhouse November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

How far do you have to listen before you get to 'buttersechs'? I stopped after about 5 seconds.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

She doesn't even get rolling, I think I was about a minute in. But then I have the volume low. She was kind enough to close caption it.

ChillBill November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Maybe she meant "butthurt shot"?

Disassembly November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I think it's when a woman has a hot body but her mind is ugly.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Does it have anything to do with Butterstick?

fatbob54 November 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

You're going old skewl there…

HogeyeGrex November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Get the butter.

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 3:18 am

The Last Tango in Paris, Texas.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

So like when her body rejects her mind and shuts it down?

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Holy crap, you ain't far off….

SnarkOff November 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

It's like a "butterface."

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 5:20 pm

She melts an entire package of butter and mixes it with water and drinks it…very choice amongst the Hoverround set. Also they toss in cheap whiskey so they rot their liver while clogging their arteries that medical science will ironically have to unclog for them. I wonder if these fucking idiots ever go off on their doctor about how fraudulent evolution is while the doctor is trying out the latest medication tested to be on step ahead of virus evolution…methinks probably not.

charlietography November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

The degree to which she sounds like Melissa McCarthy's character in Bridesmaids will further enhance my enjoyment of that movie now.

aguacatero November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Ann, you're not fooling anyone.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

OK, thanks for making me snarf tea all over my keyboard…

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Oh, man, are there sufficient upfists on Teh IntarWebz?

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

So this is what right-wing-nut-head-exploding sounds like. I think I'll keep it playing on a loop in the background for a few days. Just to extend my afterglow.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Periodically I feel a twinge of guilt for finding this so amusing, and then I read about some jerk firing 20 Latino employees because one of them wore an Obama teeshirt once, and then I don't feel so bad.

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I remember just how depressed and demoralized I, and my friends, felt in '04 when dubya retook the White House. And for a minute I feel a little bad for them. And then I get over it.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Yeah…or just go back through any racist rant archives on Huffington Post by right wing trolls and you'll feel better knowing they are in intense dissonance-fueled pain. Or…watch youtube for any Faux Nuuz smuggery by Hannity/Rove/Dick Morris/dim bulbed Barbie anchor chicks/Doooochey/Faux and Friends. I accidently flipped my teevee over to Fox Business Channel election night and got to watch sad clown Cavuto and his other smug self superior and completely over confident wingnut panelists look very dispirited…it was a lot of fun. I especially enjoyed watching poor KKKarl desperately try to lobby the "decision desk" as if forestalling the inevitable would save his tattered credibility..the humiliation conga line pulled in on EVERY fucking faux nuuz 'personality' and the whole scene was epic pure and simple…especially given the way they've demeaned everything Obama is for four years and treated him like he's subhuman…go fuck yourselves, wingnuts..ah, still there!

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Today, KKKarl is telling the PoxOozeBots that Obama won by suppressing voter turnout.

Srsly. I has Teh Amaze.

Disassembly November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

"GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET!" Truly a lesson for us all.

Buckminster November 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Yup, that'll help the discussion along, Lady. Have another shot.

Mittens Howell, III November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

The butt-hurt is loud in this one.

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

hindenburg II

Beowoof November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Man this fucking woman is pissed because she had to teach herself how to use her fucking computer and then after all that work you fuckers didn't share her facebook posts and that's the reason Mitt Rmoney lost. It's clear can't you tell. Now you better be guarding your precious bodily fluids from the Huns.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Sorry, Shelly. You can lead a horse to Facebook, but you can't make it Like.

ChillBill November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

One of my wingnut FB "friends" posted that she was "moving to Canada." Yes, motherfuckin' Canada, the Conservative Utopia.

Iam_Who_Iam November 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I had the same post from one of my friends except she also proposed Mexico as a possibility. The exchange between her and another friend was pretty amusing:

Girl: I can’t take 4 more years of this, I’m going to move. Mexico or Canada?

Girl’s friend: Well, we’re less likely to get robbed and raped in Canada.

Girl: Canada it is then.

MissNancyPriss November 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I like how "Canada" has become some politically generic, mythical utopia for all unhappy Americans, like Narnia.

caitifty November 8, 2012 at 6:50 pm

What's she going to do when she discovers Canada has immigration laws and only lets in people with skills they need? 'Cause I suspect the Canadians don't think their economy needs any lack-witted bigots.

Maman November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Why is she not showing her face? Isn't she proud of her work?

dr_giraud November 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Never look a Gorgon in the face.

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Slightly OT, but Talking Points Memo had my favorite headline yesterday: "Election 2012: Liberal Schadenfreude Hits Impossible Heights"
http://2012.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/11/democra

deanbooth November 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

We won't hit peak Schadenfreude until after the fail of peak wingnut (if there ever can be such a thing).

Mittens Howell, III November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

"I'm so mad at Palin tonight. I could spit nails at her."

Aahhhhh. Victory is sweet. So sweet.

barrison November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

wow, dick morris is mad.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Cool rant, bro

johnnymeatworth November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Wow, Victoria Jackson's voice has dropped since SNL….

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

It was all that crying.

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

and she's switched to buttershots and beer for meds

Troubledog November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

This shit happens when your Hitachi is broken.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

You know, you can just barbecue over a fire pit…

weejee November 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

And you're using it inside and you never notice yer lily-white starts to turn crimson.

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

…she just got a computer 4 years ago? I wonder how the hell they trained a chimpanzee to use a computer it just 4 years?!?!?

coolhandnuke November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

This is just one of the side effects of being Ted Nugents' laundry woman.

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

the toxic stink is as dangerous as meths

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

“Headphones up!” as the people with jobs say!

Job? Job?!

Obama's going to give all of us liberals free money as part of his Sharia law program.

iburl November 8, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Only if we gay marry a fascist or communist.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I have a jerb and no one here says that.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Not if enough people post things on facebook

SexySmurf November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Does she kiss her cousin with that mouth?

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

yes , if ' cousin ' is a euphemism for her secret parts

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm

"Pssst. Your crazy is showing."

MonkeyMotion November 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Can Sean Hannity tell me why Republicans are such angry, bitter people [roll clip]?

Bawahahahahah!

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Youtube v2.0 and Shit-faced-book both will require all posters to pass through a metal detector for our safety, and not a moment too soon, too.

Disassembly November 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I'm drunk. So what? Beautiful! I'm drunk. I'm drunk ! So what? I'm drunk. You know what? I got drunk in my motherfucking kitchen, I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfucker house. So, fuck it!

ph7 November 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm

My soulmate!

deanbooth November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

We'll do it live!

prommie November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Goonie Goo Goo!

Maman November 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Please, please, please don't be a relative of mine….

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I think Ginny Thomas should stick to making phone calls.

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

clarence had the phones torn up . and so she out smarted him …

kissawookiee November 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

You wanna call me unhinged?!?!?!?!?!?

It was a thought, yes.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Way ahead of ya, darlin'.

Buckminster November 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Auntie Mabel?

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Who'da thought Drudge sucking fucktards were crazy? And also, if this pussy-ass cunt wouldn't have disabled her comments, I'da said, fuck you back, you screaming nutjob with the PaulaPoundstone when drunk (always, right? Paula's always drunk?) voice.

DCBloom November 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Paula Poundstone was doing that shtick long before Diane Sawyer

prommie November 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Hey, where was this question? Whats going on?

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

What? Who? Where? Day drinking rules. It was on another article darling.

PuckStopsHere November 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I bet nobody wants to come over when she washes her car!

prommie November 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Its not day drinking, its you my dear, you intoxicate me, you make me dizzy.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

"GO TO HELL, LIBERTARIANS!"

Finally, something we can agree on.

BonoboReview November 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

COME ON OVER! I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU AND I'LL ENJOY DOING IT, YOU GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKERS!

edgydrifter November 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"You wanna see me become a bitch?"
I didn't realize we had a choice.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

And I'm not sure that's a trick question.

Troglodeity November 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

What makes it even funnier is she's from NEBRASKA.

ph7 November 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

With a nice bumper sticker

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

This Voice Kills Boners

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:16 pm

No, she's not unhinged at all. Fucking cunt.

barrison November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

paging autotune the news peeps, the internet needs you.

ManchuCandidate November 8, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Hee hee.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm

"Look, I probably should have told you this before, but, you see… well… insanity runs in my family… it practically gallops."

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Brewster Mortimer libel!

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Strike that. Reverse it. Thanks.

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I can't "watch" this at work, but not because of any workplace "rules" per se, it's just that everyone would think that I'm really a demented dickhead.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

My response would be "Waddaya MEAN, 'demented'?!?"

Native_of_SL_UT November 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

…everyone would know that I'm really a demented dickhead.

Fixed.

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Look, I may be demented, I may be uncouth, I may be a communist, I may be a dickhead, but I am definitely not a communist!

Wait, what were we talking about again?

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

No headphones?

Baconzgood November 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm

it took her a year to learn how to work a computer? I hope it had rust proofing 'cause those Collecos rust up on ya pretty quick.

Craig November 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Sat thru the entire 25 minutes. What do I win?

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

A bigger pee-ness.

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

My amazed admiration!

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:44 pm

A buttershot!

ProgressiveInga November 8, 2012 at 6:33 pm

With chips and cheese dip.

Fare la Volpe November 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Brain hemorrhage.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

An all-expenses-paid trip to the brain bleacher. We'll even throw in a coupon for a bottle of butterscotch schnapps!

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

a 25 minute shortening of life

WhatTheHeck November 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

With admiration, I have to ask, has anyone ever told you you were a masochist?

Troglodeity November 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Dankert schoen!

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Half a mind to edit this audio. Shouldn't be hard to clip all the FUCKIN' together.

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

That would reduce it to a 22 minute video.

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm

And blow out my speakers from the force of her “hurled” invective.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Call the Gregory Brothers, post haste!

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

i saw yesterday somebody set it to muzak. it was pretty funny.

ph7 November 8, 2012 at 2:20 pm

The brief flashes of her room fascinates me.

4-5 remote controls.
Two computer monitors, one working.
One small tube television
Generic brand snack bags (one potato chips, other pretzel bits?)
Drink glass resembling canning jar.
Smokes and a lighter.
Holding an open beverage can (blue in color)
round metal butter cookie gift tin
Drudge on the monitor.
Crazy lady clutter everywhere else

Troglodeity November 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

You missed the giant black vibrator.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

What? No cats???

ThundercatHo November 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

They're all hiding under the trailer.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

They're planning on eating her after she passes out.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

She's still got a long way to go to unseat Skoalrebel.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

He seems like a nice young man compared to this raving bitch.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Fuckin gay as hell, man.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 8, 2012 at 9:51 pm

true…you have to train if you want to outdo Skoalrebel…that shit requires a commitment. I mean just think about it, at age 4 he took his first wad o' dip and shoved it into his maw. At age 4 he dropped his first N-bomb and at age 10 his family realized they could no longer keep track of his age. Every birthday for Skoalrebel features a cake (made up of shreded porn mags and tobacco with a giant 'bad ass' stars n' bars flag on top and a stylized NASCAR number 3 on the side) with ??? marks and shot glasses. He has reached the epitome of redneck dumb…he's the alpha neck. This imbecile in all her Hoveround glory cannot even begin to outdo Skoalrebel…shit's not even a competition!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I need her interior designer's number.

Dildeaux November 8, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Thats commitment you see. Not clutter.

FNMA November 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Mom? It's going to be another great Thanksgiving!

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

"I spent 8 months in a Palin group. And for what?"

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I'd ask the exact same question.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Penance?

Fare la Volpe November 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Sadomasochism?

MissTaken November 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Hookworms?

ph7 November 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Your turn to host (NSA)?

BonoboReview November 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I think we can all agree with her on this: we are so goddamn mad at sarah palin that we could spit nails at her.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

"A night with wine coolers, no condoms and a babby nine months later"

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Girl crush.

reallythatsnice November 8, 2012 at 2:23 pm

No children and living alone–spending thousands of hours on the net. Imagine a first date with her.

YouBetcha November 8, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I'd hit that.

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

ohjesuschrist ….

ClassicPoopMoat November 10, 2012 at 8:14 pm

with a cricket bat? I'd have to agree.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Oh, this is glorious.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Dear Shit Fer Brains…

slowhansolo November 8, 2012 at 11:04 pm

Ah, that takes me back…

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

The United States of America is now officially a socialist country.

But hasn't it been for the previous 4 years?

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

"Officially"? So, Congress passed it and everything?

MissTaken November 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

They did! It was very surprising, since the GOP still control the House. But they all decided to reach across the aisle and say "Yay Socialism! Boo Capitalism!". I'm surprised you didn't see this on the news.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I hear Boehner's writing up the Free Monies for the Poors bill even as we speak.

ButthurtWingers2012 November 8, 2012 at 9:55 pm

hah! maybe if you got him drunk enough and posed as a lobbyist…

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 8, 2012 at 4:42 pm

An Islamic Caliphate.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Oh, the sloshing and clinking of her drink is a nice touch.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:27 pm

HAHA, they're blaming Ron Paul for siphoning votes??

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 3:27 am

The Ralph Nader of 2012.

OneYieldRegular November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Wait, so that is how to use the Internet?

I've been doing it all wrong.

kittensdontlie November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"About 90% of you are mentally disabled."

Now she is throwing away her chance to become President.

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 3:28 am

That is a whole lot more than 47%.

lumpenprole November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"AND, YES, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO 'CHANGE YOUR MIND,' once you've been convinced of something long ago…"
It seems like those words are headed towards some sort of self-awareness, but no.

"I spent eight months in a Palin group. For what?" The Lulz.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Facebook is a real thing, right?

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Facebook is a helluva drug.

YouBetcha November 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

She had chips, cheez dip, beer, butterscotch Schnapps and a pack of smokes for dinner. I think I dated her.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

FROTHY!

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Sounds like Limbaugh finally started broadcasting in his mother's wig.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Like a bloated, pasty Norman Bates…

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

he's always been broadcasting in his mother's wig , it's called a reverse wig that make you bald – clowns wear them all the time …

ButthurtWingers2012 November 8, 2012 at 9:59 pm

except his mother had the exact same hairline, smoked cigars and wore the same tarp-sized clothing to hold her fat ass…which means he's ALWAYS in drag…spooky.

DahBoner November 8, 2012 at 2:32 pm

With a personality like this she must be great in bed, amirite guys?

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Well, at the very least, she knows the colloquialism for that act of congress.

YouFail4eva November 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Will not hit that

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

You gotta hit it *clap clap* to quit it!

rmjagg November 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

a bed of what ?

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Nails, like as not. She's been spitting them at Sarah.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Only marginally better than trying to fuck a bonfire.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Sure, if you survive.

ChuckieJesus November 8, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I can't help it – she sounds exactly like this stone butch I knew once. Only knew her, don't know what she was like in bed. She had a lot of girlfriends so maybe….

RelicOven November 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

The tears, they sustain me.

BartStarrland November 8, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Ironic – she's mad about people not sharing.

myykuul November 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Think she talks to the rest of her herd like this?

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Looks like FOX News has a replacement for that RINO Greta Van Sustren.

wood50 November 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

She's gotta stop waxing the hairs off her chest.

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

She (if we can call her that) is a coward for diabling comments. Someone send her this Wonkette posting.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Wow, she looks like a, uh liberal.

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Holy her favorite word, she looks more masculine than me and I am a former rugby prop.

Fare la Volpe November 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

The Birkenstocks are strong with this one.

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

and self-loathing.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

And the Subaru 4×4.

Veritas78 November 8, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Oh dear me, that's funny.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Wrong L-word.

MegPasadena November 8, 2012 at 6:52 pm

This explains the Palin group thing.

BoroPrimorac November 8, 2012 at 8:45 pm

She's a conservative feminist.

Mahousu November 8, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Wait a sec – she previously posted an hour-long rant to the effect that Romney was no different than Obama – in fact, Romney was Obama. So why did she care who won?

Warning: she does appear herself in the other video.

Mojopo November 8, 2012 at 3:34 pm

I think that's Ann Barnhardt, but I didn't see the whole video so maybe I goofed. I found another Shelly D. on Goog's image cache and she has a buzz job. Imma go ahead and say "unaware lez" and no wonder she has a boner for Palin.

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 4:38 pm

wow not at all how i pictured her.

Barrelhse November 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Nice paneling.
I hope she's moved to do something dramatic that will earn her a Darwin Award.

mrblifil November 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

"I'll be happy to fucking greet you at my door, I'll be happy to find you in my bed…"

She may be trying to tell us something.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

That's as far as I got, but I think she was talking to the Rand folks, so sorry to deflate your fantasies, blifil….

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 2:38 pm

It's not the fact she's all shouty that bothers me.

It's the fact she recorded it and posted it to the Intratubes.

Pat_Pending November 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

what's a buttershot?

MissTaken November 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

It's when you freebase butterscotch schnapps and then post your rant on YouTube. It's the RickRoll of 2012.

Pat_Pending November 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Oh, yes… 'never gonna give her up, never gonna let her go…'

DCBloom November 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

To be fair, I went on a similar rant about Nader back in the day……

Wile E. Quixote November 8, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Really? Really? Did your rant have cigarettes, Cheet-os and cheese dip? Because that's what sent this over the top for me.

DCBloom November 9, 2012 at 7:54 am

Ha! I have since quit smoking, but yeah, there were cigarettes. Alas, no Cheetos, but I think chocolate & bong hits were involved

mrblifil November 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Cannot stop listening to this, may have to cue it up again when I'm done.

Pat_Pending November 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

This is FABULOUS!!!

ZN1300 November 8, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Is her boyfriend a french model she met on the internet?

Fare la Volpe November 8, 2012 at 2:48 pm

That's just silly.

He's obviously a Nigerian prince.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

He's Canadian; you wouldn't know him.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Uh-oh.

Poindexter718 November 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm

How is it that this lovely woman is still childless and single and eats her chip-and-dip dinners alone?

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

A socialist conspiracy, no doubt.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Dudes keep escaping from her van?

JadedPreppy November 8, 2012 at 2:42 pm

She's going to sail through menopause.

PuckStopsHere November 8, 2012 at 2:51 pm

W-I-N.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Oh, yes.

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 5:04 pm

That is good.

Not_So_Much November 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Super easy to masturbate to.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Word. I may as well burn my copy of Princess Nubilia versus the Shibarimancer

BonoboReview November 8, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Do I ask her where i can get an Obama phone?

Fare la Volpe November 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I think an Obama phone sounds cool — the ringtone could be "I Got a Crush on Obama."

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Uncle Obama….I like the shape of your banana…..Ringtone!…

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:25 pm

That could work.

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

I wonder, can someone autotune this? Would make a great dance mix song.

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Better yet, could we get the Shat to orate this. Just a few seconds will suffice.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

OH HELL YES.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I'll be, um, holidaying in Antartica, if anyone wants me. (Aside: Hey, they got Internets there? Anybody know?)

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 3:32 am

Yes.

MittBorg November 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

DAMN it. (leafs through atlas again)

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

♫♪ Fuck Fuck Fucking
Obama O-O-O-bama bama
Fucking won you assholes
This Mah Supper
uh whatdyacallit
Ch-Ch-Ch-Cheeeeeeese Diupp
Cheeese DipDip ♪♫

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Sprinkle it with a "shawty" here and there, and we're platinum.

Pat_Pending November 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Closeted lesbian? Cuz that latency thing can sure make a body ANGRY.

cassamandra November 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

It's Schadenboner, not Schadenfreude. Or Schadenpussyhoney.

copiki November 8, 2012 at 2:46 pm

But guys, she's been busting her ass!

BonoboReview November 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

She is very effective on youtube.

PuckStopsHere November 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

She lives alone? What the fucking fuck is wrong with the American male that they've let this catch get away? This broad needs to get a prick stuck in her. Stat.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 4:22 pm

HELLO!! I'VE GOT A VA – GI – NA!! (slosh, clink)

Magic Sam November 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

YOU WANNA CALL ME UNHINGED? /ice clinks in glass

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

LEARN HOW TO USE THE FUCKING INTERNET

BonoboReview November 8, 2012 at 2:49 pm

In retrospect, I think we can comfortably attribute Romney's loss on people not posting things on Facebook.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 2:58 pm

That's why all those people die of cancer, people don't repost what they should

Botlrokit November 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Why the blackout screen? She doesn't want this to be an audition for Hoarders.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm

I think the camera was filming her soul.

Botlrokit November 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Damn. Yours is the greatest answer, ever.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

*purrs*

solrobins6 November 8, 2012 at 2:50 pm

I love when she is like LOOOHHHHKK

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Where is this nice lady's husband at?

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 2:54 pm

In the crawlspace?

MissTaken November 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Minneapolis-St Paul Airport men's bathroom?

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 2:56 pm

FIGURE OUT HOW TO USE THE FUCKING INTERNET (also, she had chips and cheese dip for dinner because she was working so hard on facebook for romney hahahahahahaha)

Botlrokit November 8, 2012 at 2:57 pm

at the liquor store. He knows better.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Um, under the basement floor?…

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

trick question: he was never born awww

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

On the nightstand; he's made of plastic and gears and takes two AA batteries.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 3:39 pm

The Safe Room?

cassamandra November 8, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I wonder why she lives alone?

scorpy1 November 8, 2012 at 2:55 pm

@20:18
Every fukcing executive order he signed, every goddamn bill he signed will all remain standing, doesn't matter how much bitching you do

What price bitchery?

Pat_Pending November 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Bamz is not a muslin. He's a black liberation theologian. This was what made it worth getting to the 22-minute point!

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

No, he's a Muslim and he had a radical anti-American Christian preacher and he's a secret atheist also too. This is wingnut land, where logic and consistency don't apply.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm
HELisforHEL November 8, 2012 at 3:02 pm

OMFG this is gold, comedy gold! Thank you!
HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

This woman has *got* to be a figment of The Onion's imagination.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

And speaking of facebook and unhinged post-election wingnut rants:
http://www.libertarianrepublican.net/2012/11/the-

"Starting early this morning, I am going to un-friend every single individual on Facebook who voted for Obama, or I even suspect may have Democrat leanings. I will do the same in person. All family and friends, even close family and friends, who I know to be Democrats are hereby dead to me. I vow never to speak to them again for the rest of my life, or have any communications with them. They are in short, the enemies of liberty. They deserve nothing less than hatred and utter contempt. "

bflrtsplk November 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

“`Do you work for someone who voted for Obama? Quit your job.“

Yeah, another wingnut with a gun and no job. Nothin` wrong with that picture.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Oh the dude seems crazy and ready to snap; it's amazing. And he gets even more insane in the comments. For example, did you know that the US is now a fascist country because the government says you have to wear a seat belt?

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Let's hope he ignores that fascist edict.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I see your rant and raise you one facebook "friend"

Denver Martin
If you voted for that Negro.delete me we are not freinds

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

And here I was, thinking that "talking out of your ass" was just a figure of speech.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

Only with some people…

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Leaves your mouth free for butterscotch schnapps!

SexySmurf November 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

The sad part is that all their huffing and puffing will be over in, like, a week, so savor it like a fine wine (whine?) while you can.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

no they are all moving to Canada, honest

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Where they'll escape that socialist universal health care!

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Yeah, and Rush Limbaugh will actually move to Costa Rica.

bflrtsplk November 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

That was El Rushbo`s little sister, no?

MonkeyBiz November 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I nominate her for Shrieking White-Hot Rage Orb.

SHRIEKING WHITE-HOT RAGE ORB 2016!

mariannemann November 8, 2012 at 3:05 pm

I'm sorry, Frau Nugent, that I wasn't able to share … I was laughing too hard …

cousinitt November 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Didn't know Michelle Malkin had a twin.

HELisforHEL November 8, 2012 at 3:06 pm

OMFG this is gold, comedy gold! Thank you!

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

GET OFF MAH INTARWEBZ! I listened to it over and over and FORCED my poor partners into listening to it too. (beams proudly)

Wife thought it was hilarious. She's still enjoying it.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I know-I can't stop saying GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:53 pm

I'd love to shout "I WILL KEEEEL YOU!!" like she does, but worry about how the neighbours will react.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Surprisingly, she's anti-birther! "Obama was born in fucking Hawaii. There's 2 goddamn newspaper reports even if they're both fakes! You're dumber than shit!" Many expletives follow.

Not_Mother November 8, 2012 at 3:50 pm

And Bronco is NOT A MUSLIN!! But, inexplicably, he will convert AFTER this term! Now that's some fuckin' wingnuttery.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Like my (friendly, yet regrettably pro-Romney) boss says, even a blind pig can find an acorn every so often.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day!

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"Hi, I'm Shelly and I fuckin' stole the teevee!" Fuck Fuck Fuckity Fuck Derrrrrrrrrrp!

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm

"I'll be happy to find you in my bedroom in the middle of the night."

Oh, sweetie, I'll bet you would. Maybe if you actually got fucked, you'd stop screaming so much about getting fucked. Cunt.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Based on this vid, it appears us homos don't give you str8 boys enough credit for y'all's part in keeping the race going and all. That there's one mighty tough row to hoe…

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

If this was really a socialist country (communist?) I could use my sickle to de-schlong myself so I'd never have to confront that "row".

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Or hoe to row.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Do we have a dossier on "Shelly L. Dankart" yet?

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I posted this earlier but I'll happily post it again for teh lulz.

cousinitt November 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Uh, oh my. I'm not sure I'm feeling all that lulzy, more like queasy, and sorta concerned about visiting Nebraska ever again.

Blueb4sinrise November 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

U.N sez yes.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 3:24 pm

The Homintern has nothing. Yet.

gullywompr November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Now see, if Shelly had only subscribed to and heeded my youtoob channel, she'd be on cloud 9 today.

iTuna November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"Go to hell, Libertarians! Kiss my ass, you fuckers that think you voted for something!"

I agree.

GortRay November 8, 2012 at 3:14 pm

The heady mix of teatard politics and trailer-park meth. Yummmm…

BTWBFDIMHO November 8, 2012 at 3:15 pm

OT, from Pat Buchanan,
‎"White America died last night. Obama's reelection killed it. Our 200 plus year history as a Western nation is over. We're a Socialist Latin American country now. Venezuela without the oil." http://dailycurrant.com/2012/11/07/buchanan-white

OMFGWTFBTWBFDIMHOHOHOHO!

iTuna November 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Daily Currant's a parody site. Two-bit Onion.

bobbert November 8, 2012 at 3:49 pm

What's great is all the commenters there who don't seem to realize that.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Buchanan's still around? I'da thought he'd've shot himself in his bunker by now…

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Yay! I think we should all celebrate the death of white America, and birth of the new nation that actually looks like America.

(And yeah, that's what all the assholes like Victoria Jackson mean when they scream "America is dead!", but most try to hide their racism while Pat revels in it).

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 4:18 pm

He means like how America died in 2008, too? I guess we must all be prepared to die a thousand deaths to stop Obama or something.

Also, what? "Venezuela without the oil"? Somebody hasn't heard of fracking or the Gulf of Mexico.

Jus_Wonderin November 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"WHY DON'T YOU FUCKIN' PUT ME BACK IN THE WATER? I AM JUST BAKING HERE ON THE BEACH. GODDAMN, AT LEAST THROW A TARP OVER ME!!"

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

"Andrew Breitbart this is…war." They're actually praying to his dessicated corpse now!

doloras November 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm

But at least she admits that Hopey didn't kill him!

rkgist November 8, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Hokey smokes. Amazin'. I only listened to the first 2 minutes-any more would have seared my brain. The woman is batshit crazy. And she's not alone. "Get the fuck off the internet!" Indeed.

rickmaci November 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Victoria Jackson is on Facebook?

owhatever November 8, 2012 at 3:19 pm

She seems upset. I don't care.

Yellerdawg November 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Ah, she just took my 2004 rant and changed the names.

W88 November 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Mom, is that you?

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm

SHHHHH, she'll hear us. Be VEWY QUIET.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

To be fair, if there had been a camera on me the night Scott Walker beat the recall, it would have sounded a lot like this: chain smoking, ice in the drink clinking, and sooooo many swears.

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

The question is whether you'd post nearly a half-hour of the episode on the Internet or not.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Also? My indignation was righteous!

rickmaci November 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

"…I don't have children, I live alone…" Why is that not a surprise?

Blueb4sinrise November 8, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Not sure if actor 212 way up thread had the actual closed caption on, or just meant the added text, but the CC is nearly as funny as the audio.

scionkirk November 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Wow, in hindsight, we really let Nader off the hook.

poorgradstudent November 8, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Oh, STFU conservatives, you all got someone who would have been considered a moderate Republican just 20 years ago. Meanwhile we libs faced the prospect of getting in the vice presidency a Libertarian Granny Starving Sociopath whose economic philosophy would have – best case scenario – ONLY destroyed this nation's economy. Deal.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm

No fair! I saw her first!

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 3:50 pm

That's my new Congresswoman!

(I live in the one of the only truly blue districts in Maricopa County)

BoroPrimorac November 8, 2012 at 8:59 pm

I've been in love with her for a while.

rickmaci November 8, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Pack of smokes, half bag of chips and cheese dip for dinner, beer, butterscotch schnaps. Forty one and living her life in a state of rage in front of two computer monitors. Wingtard womanhood. Makes me sad, really.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 8, 2012 at 3:36 pm

I think I defriended her on facebook during the last election.

iburl November 8, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Interestingly, her YouTube profile says she is a (sometimes) Romney basher. But then, weren't all of these whiny bitches before he got the nomination by default?

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The Despair Witch Project

upthruster November 8, 2012 at 3:52 pm

The best part about the whole thing is the fact that she leaves the screen blank through most of her rant…would not be as entertaining if you could see her face.

Misty Malarky November 8, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Poke!

TheMightyHaltor November 8, 2012 at 3:59 pm

She's surrounded by cigarettes, booze, and potato chips. She should be praying for single payer even more than us libtards.

ringletwraith November 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Is that God talking?

Dildeaux November 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Angry single 41 year old smoker woman is angry.

Ladie and gent, I give you… the republican base.

midnighttoker69 November 8, 2012 at 4:37 pm

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

That was awesome … please wonkette, please bring me more wingnut pain. More meltdowns, more crying, more loud drunken proclamations that life as we know it is over. I want more …. more more more … and then I'm gonna apply for welfare … knock somebody up, and have lots and lots of free abortions.

(Actually, I think that was really donald trump using some sort of voice disguising device)

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 5:00 pm

We were going to try and shoe-shop and squeeze in a visit to the abortionplex, but it's tough for two guys to get pregnant.

midnighttoker69 November 8, 2012 at 7:16 pm

Keep trying. This is America, anything is possible.

MittBorg November 8, 2012 at 8:02 pm

You know how it is, when you're LGBTQ. All them straight folks keep telling you You're Doing Eeet Rong, so you have to practice. Lots and lots of practice.

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 4:44 pm

mr fuflans (who could not listen to more than 30 seconds last night) reminded me we were pretty much like this in 2004.

though, of course, it was cabernet instead of buttershots and beer.
also, arugula and hummus instead of chips and dip.
also, worst president in american history reelected instead of mildly left of center moderately successful president reelected.

still! i feel her pain.

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Me, too. The difference is, we didn't feel the need to share our frustration with the whole world via YouTube.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 2:04 am

That, and our two-minute hate was literally about two minutes, and then we just went back to making stupid jokes about stupid Dubya.

Weenus299 November 8, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Holy fucking shit. This is my son in the form of a woman.

FieryLocks November 8, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Love how she screams for people to ''learn to use the internet or get the fuck off it'' when she says it took her a year to figure out how to use her computer she purchased just 4 years ago. I can just imagine her at Best Buy waiting in line with her laptop with her dreams of conservative blogging, YouTubing, and Facebooking…just to have it all blow up in her face 4 years later (minus the year it took her to figure out her new computer).

labman57 November 8, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Anguished and distraught conservative pundits, bloggers, and amateur advocates are wallowing in the cesspool of their own vitriol and reality-devoid rhetoric, complaining that the rest of the nation — after having gotten a good whiff of the stench — opted to not join them.

dellessanna November 8, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I love how self important she is. XD She acts as though she alone could have won the election for Romney. XD OMG.

hagajim November 8, 2012 at 5:40 pm

She said to learn how to use the internet to fucking get off – amiright? In that case I got off on listening to her completely lose her shit for 25 minutes (truly only lasted about 20)…but man some people are sore losers. Then I went to my favorite you porn site and used the internet to get off – like she said. Ha!

christianmuslin November 8, 2012 at 5:50 pm

If we could just get them mad enough to unregister to vote.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 5:55 pm

I'd hate to play Farmville with her.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 5:56 pm

No wire hangars!!!

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 5:57 pm

I get no video, just the audio. But I think I met her at the bar the other night.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Someone may have said this, but maybe all that free time she talks about, maybe she's on Social Security for some kind of mental disability.

I made 5 minutes.

pdiddycornchips November 8, 2012 at 7:52 pm

"I don't know why the fuck I bother"

Lady, you're sitting alone drinking and eating generic chips and cheese from a can. What else you got to do?

Pith_n_Vinegar November 8, 2012 at 8:15 pm

"It's not settling well with me."

To say the least. LOL

BoroPrimorac November 8, 2012 at 9:02 pm

This is from her Youtube bio: I have self-diagnosed A.D.D.

Every moron I know has self diagnosed A.D.D..

malsperanza November 8, 2012 at 10:19 pm

"I spend hours upon hours upon hours mining the news and finding things to post for you to share with other people and yet very little of you do it. … [FB] is a good tool of the left to use against them! The people on the right can't seem to figure that out… Branch out, make some sort of an impact!"

This explains so much about why the election was close. For the past 10 weekends my team and I have been canvassing in PA, 6 or 7 hours a day, rain or shine, walking door to door, talking to voters, registering new voters, helping people fill out applications for absentee ballots, making sure people in retirement homes had rides to the polling place and understood the Photo ID law, identifying swing and undecided voters, and then 4 straight days of GOTV on foot in frigid cold, sometimes with a flashlight after dark, and then in the evenings on the phone banks … and yeah, despite a week's onslaught of Rombot robocalls and TV and radio ads and the Bot himself and Li'l Bot both running rallies at the end there, we delivered PA for Obama.

But if I had only known! All we needed to do was sit at home and eat chips and drink schnapps and POST LINKS on FB. Damn, that would have been so much easier.

We are really dumb. :-(

bloggingbalkanistan November 9, 2012 at 12:37 am

OT: a sincere thanks for your GOTV effort, you guys are amazing.

slowhansolo November 8, 2012 at 10:52 pm

"Figure out how to use the Internet, or get the fuck off of it…"

This from a woman who took a year to learn how to use a computer.

aklibtard November 8, 2012 at 11:06 pm

Sitting alone, eating generic chips, in generic dip, smoking generic cigarettes, and drinking generic booze, having a total meltdown about people not sharing her crazy anti-Obama Facebook posts. This must be the saddest thing I've ever seen. Even her ice queen, Sarah Palin let her down. I don't even know if schadenfreude is possible here.

DixvilleCrotch November 8, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Does her face melt off at the end? If so I'll watch it.

gingerland62 November 8, 2012 at 11:20 pm

As a former bartender,I can attest, schnapps drinkers are bad tippers and highly unstable.

Wile E. Quixote November 8, 2012 at 11:44 pm

So much awesome. I love that she's going off on the Libertarians. We should start a conspiracy to convince the Republicans that the reason they lost this election is because Gary Johnson siphoned off a critical number of votes from Romney. If we could get these assholes to waste half as much time with this kind of shit as the Democrats did whining about Nader in 2000 instead of having the balls to effectively fight Bush in the first place, it would be a major victory.

Wile E. Quixote November 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm

We should set her up with her own daily podcast or a show on XM where she can go totally ballistic like this for three hours. I think that there's a huge potential market for a foul-mouthed, relatively eloquent (compared to the rest of the Wingnut-O-Sphere), ranting, profane chain-smoking, cheet-o eating, cheese dip snarfing fat chick. Especially if you programmed her opposite one of the weaker conservatives such as Glenn Beck or Mike Huckabee. Either that or send her on the road to do a one-woman show as a sort of distaff version of Mike Daisey.

"My other account on Facebook was called 'RightWingKookTank'."
"People who know me call me 'kook', and I like it. Evil Conservative Industries, I should be the CEO."

Wile E. Quixote November 8, 2012 at 11:59 pm

OMFG. She's shitting on the truthers, the birthers and the Ron Paul crowd. And she's denying that Obama is a Muslim. She has no future.

Negropolis November 9, 2012 at 1:51 am

Angry bitch disables comments. Exactly.

NellCote71 November 9, 2012 at 3:53 am

Where do I sign up for the free phone everyone is talking about? And why wasn't I told earlier? Should I have gotten one the minute I voted for Obama? If so, I am calling voter fraud?

ttommyunger November 9, 2012 at 10:28 am

Don't need to click on this, I can hear it anywhere in this neck of the woods 24/7.

celty November 9, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Hide me mommy that lady is scary !

harumpa November 9, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Performance Art par excellent! I was buying it until she started unloading on Palin.

usuhname November 9, 2012 at 2:54 pm

might I just add – aaaaaaha hahahahah.
Another model republican! She needs some anger-management or stronger schnapps or a colonoscopy…definitely something.

Maybe she could do with some of that nice NoBamacare? Her blood pressure must be through the roof!

ClassicPoopMoat November 10, 2012 at 8:18 pm

wait, Obama won?

TribecaMike November 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Priceless!

louiszwu November 16, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I think her ex-husband is a neighbor of mine. He spends most of his time curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth, sobbing quietly. Now I know why.

awwalk56 November 21, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Well shellymicAB there is only one honorable thing left to do. Get yourself a rope, a three legged stool, find yourself a tree with a limb strong enough to support your 240 pound rotundus self and introduce your troglodyte ass to jesus.

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