PANTHEON OF FALLEN HEROES  10:43 am November 8, 2012

Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

There is not a reason in the world to click on the video above of fallen Wonkette hero “Joe” the “Plumber” flapping his gums at his election loss party, except to note his killer rags. Dude, you were running for Congress. You think the flannel might be a touch … less formal than the occasion demands? Nah, fuck it man. You are “authentic” and “real” just like your fake name and fake occupation! And now you are dead. Let us gather our rosebuds and meet back on the other side of the jump to remember the manifold gifts “Joe” the “Plumber” has given to your Wonkette, lo these many years.

You shot to superstardom with just one plaintive bitchfest, but your flame burned too bright, especially after desperate sad man John McCain seized, desperately and sadly, on your “common man” “Joe Sixpack” … earthiness. (Stupidity.) After that, you tried to do some common grifting, and it sort of worked for a while (we guess).

But your gravy train ended, and so you ran for Congress, living on campaign cash.

But because you are the world’s laziest man, you didn’t even work at that.

You wrote a book we guess?

Because you are a muppet, you toured the country for a piece of legislation, but did not actually know what it said or did.

Because you are a big strong man, you threatened to physically kick the shit out of Nancy Pelosi.

You said some bullshit about “queers,” and then yelled at the ladies what asked you about it.

You told stupid hippies paying taxes is awesome and they should stop being common moochers, like you.

You said Jews caused the Holocaust by not having guns.

You said you would like to shoot Mexicans.

You received 24 percent of the vote.

.

 
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{ 152 comments }

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 10:45 am

You received 24 percent of the vote.

Ameriduh FUCK YEA. USA USA USA!!!!!!111!!!1!

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:58 am

Basically, he ran in a district he had no chance of Kapturing (heh!) and lived off $60K a year plus whatever meals and drinks he could scam off bartenders, diner owners and others who were Kaptured (heh, again!) by his celebrity.

Hey, I'd be embarrassed, too….NOT!

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

wow! that's even less than the usual dullard percentage! huzzah duhMerkuh!

Mapmonger November 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY SIR.

I SAID GOOD DAY SIR

outragedcitizen November 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

Sorry, wingnuts like Not Joe Not the Plumber never go away. (See: Sarah Snowbilly Grifter Palin).

CommieLibunatic November 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Sarah who? I've just been grateful she's been beaten (with votes!) into obscurity, save for making an appearance every two or four years to talk about Freedom and do her runway model walk.

Boojum November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Fucking Snozwangler.

Caelan Aegana November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

No one takes you seriously when you say Good Day Sir.

Mapmonger November 8, 2012 at 2:40 pm

And you've found that out through bitter personal experience, have you?

Barbara_ November 8, 2012 at 10:46 am

Joe's plan to reduce taxes was just not to pay them.

RomneysLogCabin November 8, 2012 at 11:00 am

So, the Romney way?

Barbara_ November 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Yep!

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

…it is obvious that 24% of the population were dropped on their heads as children.

Terry November 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

Or were high and voted for "Joe" for the lulz

HateMachine November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

Suppose there were a ballot measure that read "Referendum 2: Deport you – yes, YOU – to a FEMA death camp immediately. We seriously have a van following you."

It would clear 20% of the vote, because 20% of the population will vote for literally anything.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

Do they have hot showers and cots?

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

JCP&L still hasn't gotten to your neighborhood, huh?

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

Oh. I was fine, never even lost teh TeeVee…well, until last night's storm…I was just trying to ponder why someone would vote for that.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

We used to have an expression around here, "twenty-three-percenters" (referring to those special people who still believed GWBush was a great president, at the end of his second term).

This is well within the sampling error.

calliecallie November 8, 2012 at 11:55 am

Not hard enough.

Dildeaux November 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm

24% of the population would vote for a 2 x 4 if it identified as republican.

boskolives November 9, 2012 at 8:31 am

I assume you're talking about the "splinter vote"?

natoslug November 8, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I was dropped on my head as a child. Twice. And I still wouldn't vote for this floater.

Lot_49 November 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

Democracy isn't broken yet.

Having sat on a barstool next to 200 windbags like this, I don't need to see him on teevee.

finallyhappy November 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

so 24% of the voters in that district are dumber than Joe.

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

Prolly the same 24% of the population that believes extraterrestrial beings inhabit the Earth.

Jimmyone November 8, 2012 at 11:18 am

Now hold on there….Where did they go?

CindynEncinitas November 8, 2012 at 11:45 am

I think they inhibit the Earth. Yeah. From becoming a complete waste of carbon. Or something. Hey! Bilbray lost, too! Woot woot! RepreSENT 52nd! We got smarter!!!!

miss_grundy November 8, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Those are probably also the people who fell for the grifters who were selling stuff to prepare for The Rapture…

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

The Republican party is a super magnet for grifters.

mrpuma2u November 8, 2012 at 11:51 am

Will Joe the Plunger puh-LEEZ go away for good?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

"Republican Voters Voicing Complaints About Intimidating Black Man On Ballot"
(The Onion)

BTW, I believe that 24% is pretty much exactly the number who thought Dumbya was a great president. My money says it's the very same people.

HateMachine November 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

They were so intimidated, they stayed away from polling places and let him be president again.

YouBetcha November 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

That Venn Diagram is a perfect circle.

RomneysLogCabin November 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

I guess losing is a humbling experience because he sounds fairly normal in his down-to-earth concession speech.

SoBeach November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

No kidding. I hope all of them aren't going to give up the abrasive, pig-headed asshole shtick. That's how I spotted them.

FlownOver November 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

WILL. NOT. WATCH.

EVER. AGAIN.

BEGONE, POOPSMITH!

LibrarianX November 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

Somehow, his fame exceeded his 15 minutes. Time for him to go away.

LibrarianX November 8, 2012 at 10:50 am

Joe – go show your butt crack to someone who cares.

nounverb911 November 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

Lindsey Graham probably needs a new intern.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 11:01 am

Have you no sense of decency sir (or madam), at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

Sir. And a very nice sir, to boot.

HateMachine November 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

None of us do.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 11:39 am

I'm pretty sure there's a filter for that here. Just like words to similar to a formerly famous grifter's kid's name.

smashedinhat November 8, 2012 at 10:50 am

He needs a hug from Mann Coulter, cuz I hear she's a tad depressed.

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Many women have two bumps, Ann's just happen to be in her throat and in her lower private area.

Boojum November 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I knew a woman with a very large clitoris, that could stand in for Joe's dick. Mann Coulter, now, that thang is Long Dong Silver territory.

valgal2342 November 8, 2012 at 11:25 am

Which is she more depressed about? Obama winning or Chris Christie paling around with Obama to get some love from Springsteen?

ManchuCandidate November 8, 2012 at 10:50 am

To be fair to hapless Joe, it is better he grift the GOP and its grumpy old white people supporters than doing real damage unclogging toilets.

Smithboy November 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

The McCain curse (Sarah Palin et al) lives.

kittensdontlie November 8, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Everything he touched, turned to gold dust.

AlterNewt November 8, 2012 at 10:51 am

Now he can get back to not being a plumber.

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

I understand he also plans to spend less time with his family.

AlterNewt November 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

When reached for comment, his family replied, "Who?"

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

Joey, we hardly knew ye.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

And even that was too fucking much.

ThundercatHo November 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

You are fat, stupid and smell like fail but I bet Sarah Palin would totally do you now since she is a desperate, aged harpy with an obvious meth addiction. Call her!

Mumbletypeg November 8, 2012 at 11:05 am

Holy snap!

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

Saw her very briefly on FOX election night coverage. Not looking too well.

deanbooth November 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

I bet Joe is now in favor of spreading the votes around.

Mumbletypeg November 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

Fame is a fickle mistress, ain't she "Joe?"

royhobbson November 8, 2012 at 10:52 am

Soooo…now can he officially change his name to "Joe the Congressman?"

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

Gather ye, Rose, Buds while ye may.

Goonemeritus November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

Ohio a great State or the greatest State?

Disassembly November 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

Take it easy on Ohio. We don't want to anger them.

Stevola November 8, 2012 at 11:13 am

I joined the Navy to get out of Ohio. It worked, but they tell me there are other ways.

CindynEncinitas November 8, 2012 at 11:58 am

How intrepid of you! Ohio prolly loves you better than Joe the Asshat.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

Well, with the slowly improving economy, maybe he can get a job. Maybe as a plumber?

Kid_Charlemagne November 8, 2012 at 10:53 am

What a ballcock! (If I might use a plumbing term!)

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

…with those credentials, I'm actually surprised that he isn't in congress already? He does meet all the Rethuglican requirements

-White: check!
-Born with penis: check!
-Dodges taxes: check!
-Masturbates to the photo of a AR-15: check!
-Doesn't like Brown people: check!
-Probably doesn't have high school diploma: check!

I don't think I left anything out

Misty Malarky November 8, 2012 at 11:07 am

How 'bout a teeny, tiny pseudopenis?

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

Needz some whack comment about "God loves rape babies" or some shit like that.

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 11:12 am

Extremely stupid and aggressively ignorant: check!

Barrelhse November 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

Taps feet in restroom.

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

…wide stance: check!

CindynEncinitas November 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Needz moar plastic-looking hair and a horsie.

JustPixelz November 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

- is an actual plumber? um … NO CHECK

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

But your gravy train ended, and so you ran for Congress, living on campaign cash.

Wait.

You can do that?

Fuck. I'm declaring for every fucking office known to man, in that case. I can spend the rest of my life running for office from the comfort of my lounge chair in the Campbell Apartment.

Trix, you can let me buy you many martinis interview me when you're in town and write it off as a business expense!

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

"I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hotdog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips–"
"You'll get nothing and like it!"

I know I do.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

Bet you 20 the Wurzelbacher kid picks his nose. Another 20 says he eats it.

ttommyunger November 9, 2012 at 10:11 am

We're all gonna get laid! (except Joe)

Mumbletypeg November 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

And if he still remembers how to do plumbing? He can assist with job skills training and show the other unemployed losers how to not do that right, either~!

neiltheblaze November 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

We can call living on campaign cash "Pulling a Wurlzelbacher". Or we could keep the already coined "Pulling a Witchy O'Donnell". Whichever you prefer.

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 11:13 am

Hmptf. That's not very nice.

~ Lou Sarah

Fukui-sanYesOta November 8, 2012 at 10:58 am

Did he ever buy that plumbing business?

Oh. Yeah.

Mittens Howell, III November 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

John McCain's legacy: Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber. Thanks for the floaters, John.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

You'd think an old dude would know the value of fiber…

Poindexter718 November 8, 2012 at 11:03 am

Oh well, at least he has a trade to fall back on. As long as there are pipes, the world will always need licensed, certified…turds to go thru them.

Stevola November 8, 2012 at 11:16 am

Those toilets won't scrub themselves, you know.

Disassembly November 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

Toledo didn't deserve him. Hang on, that doesn't sound right.

CrunchyKnee November 8, 2012 at 11:04 am

Sartorially challenged douchebag is douchey.

Gorillionaire November 8, 2012 at 11:05 am

As every plumber knows, shit rolls down hill.

prommie November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Hot is on the left, cold is on the right, and shit don't flow uphill. Thats about it.

prommie November 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Oh, and don't chew your fingernails. Not if you are a plumber, no no no.

Maman November 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

an indication that Americans are not as stupid as we have been appearing?

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 11:53 am

"The 24% will always be with us."

- Jesus (or somebody)

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

Fear not, Joe. You'll make a mighty fine Jeopardy answer someday.

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

Alex, I'll take douche bags for $500, final offer

Graham Cracker November 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Joe would never be more than the $100 answer.

Baconzgood November 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

I'd rather watch that Cleveland bus driver give that chick a mean ass upper cut on you tube. Man he tagged her yo.

sbj1964 November 8, 2012 at 11:06 am

Joe's 15 minutes of fame ended long ago,now it's just sad.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 11:10 am

He's a plumber. He might get fifteen minutes but he still bills you for an hour.

CrunchyKnee November 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

That was something alright, but it would have been even cooler if he had done it to Joe the Grifter, yo (with votes of course).

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

No more running for the shelter of your plumber's little helper
And grift helps you through the night, helps to minimise your plight.

Misty Malarky November 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

Geez, Walnuts' campaign is the the gift that keeps on giving.

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

Possible job opening at "Butt Cracks "я" Us, apply at rear enterance.

Botlrokit November 8, 2012 at 11:18 am

not the way I want to greet the greeter.

TheGyrus November 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

24% of the vote is even less than the 27% Alan Keyes got when he ran for Senate against Barack Obama. Could it be that the pool of batshit crazy voters is shrinking?

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 11:09 am

If this is one of those things where slow-motion soft-focus pictures of "Joe" play over sad music, I ain't watching.

SayItWithWookies November 8, 2012 at 11:10 am

There've been so many losers to forget this year that I almost forgot to forget Mia Love. Joe the Plumber's Helper is just gonna have to wait, since he's worn out his welcome, even as a has-been.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

Hang on….we're like forty years past the election of Shirley Chisholm and the Republicans STILL haven't had a black woman in Congress??????????????

Mumbletypeg November 8, 2012 at 11:25 am

The first Haitian-American female mayor for her Utah district and such.
I wonder if "Honey I'll be your forbidden chocolate candy" would constitute possibly the sexiest words in the Mormon language?

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 11:26 am

I'm a mother, I ran a failed congressional bid, and I'm a Mormon!

boskolives November 9, 2012 at 8:35 am

Most of the Mormons I've met have been mothers, one way or another.

Poindexter718 November 8, 2012 at 11:11 am

Oh, and the dispatcher is paging you, Joe: It seems the guy who made you famous by schooling you on the concept of marginal tax rates invited the governor of NJ over for burritos and now he needs his toilet snaked. The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

Ruhe November 8, 2012 at 11:24 am

Success is the best revenge.

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 11:12 am

My favorite part was the part where he intimated that maybe reporters and liberals and war critics should be roughed up a bit in acts of mob violence, for Freedom.

CindynEncinitas November 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

With votes!

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

But also, and mostly, with fists. And possibly tire-irons.

There's a name for a political philosophy that is obsessed with the redemptive power of ideologically-purifying populist violence, I don't want to belabor the point by using it again so often after talking about former Rep. Allen West, but yeah.

Indiepalin November 8, 2012 at 11:19 am

Ann Coulter needs a good stiff one this morning.

proudgrampa November 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

She sounded like she'd already had one in that Laura Ingraham interview.

neiltheblaze November 8, 2012 at 12:40 pm

What's his name?

bobbert November 8, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Piss hard-on libel!

Troglodeity November 8, 2012 at 1:55 pm

And not her own.

DixvilleCrotch November 8, 2012 at 11:20 am

Assume Joe dead. Finally.

Pithaughn November 8, 2012 at 11:20 am

Let me guess, the same 24% thought Romney would win in a landslide? I wonder if the righties who get all their info from that RW echo chamber will question their source just a little now? nah.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 11:21 am

Everybody join in on the chorus!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krhBPiNCI5A

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

hahahah he could have replaced all of his youtube "POLICY" videos with this

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 11:33 am

I remember hipster critics of the late '70s calling their Smash Hit Corporate Rock Period "The Doobie Associates" and "Steely Dan Lite". Still a good song, though.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 11:57 am

Better than this nonsense

Jerri November 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

Well, I feel good knowing that at least he will stick to his principles and not rely on any kind of public assistance while he is between jobs.

Texan_Bulldog November 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

For government to be so evil, he sure was eager to hop aboard the government gravy train with all its socialist healthcare & nice perks (for Joe I'm assuming the young interns).

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

And now this asshole wants to replace the tax code? What qualifies this guy to do anything at all? Education? Experience? When I was young, I always thought it would be awesome to run the Ninja roller coaster at the local Six Flags, but those who make decisions would not have let me do so. It would have been great for me but not great for the people who would have sustained chiropractic injuries and or decapitations. The difference between 13 year old me and Joe the Failer? I knew not to even ask because I realized I had no business trying.

BoroPrimorac November 8, 2012 at 11:22 am

If I'm not mistaken this motherfucker once siad that Obama was an affirmative action hire.

prommie November 8, 2012 at 11:34 am

Joe is the poster child for the lumpenproletariat. Dumb, angry, white, self-pitying, blaming everyone and anyone else (who has dark skin of course) for his problems and failures. Its that gosh darn gubmints fault he can't run a business, its the darkies on welfare's fault he has to pay taxes (which he cheats on as much as he possibly can) its all whine this and whine that and poor me, fucking loserboy fucking whiner fucktard. And he is just the posterboy, there are so so so many millions of these lazy fucked up angry idiots out there with their 80 IQs and functional illiteracy and drug problems all ranting about how they woulda gone to college but the affirmative action and they gave all the scholarships to the blahs and the gubmint won't let me get ahead. They should all just choke on their bile and die.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 11:54 am

You spelled "lumpy" wrong

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 11:35 am

A comment from Joe's own webiste:

If you don’t like the Government, and you don’t believe in the democratic system, why do you want to be in congress? If you are not a politician, how does anyone think that you will be able to work the appropriate levers of the political machine or worse, not be taken for a ride by unscrupulous forces in the Republican or Democratic party? Naivete is only sexy in a college cheerleader. You aren’t a cheerleader, are you?

Weep, indeed. We won't have Joe to kick around any longer :'(

glasspusher November 8, 2012 at 11:56 am

Is there some sort of conservation of mass between him and Palin? He got fat! Also, seems like someone's got a plunger up his ass.

DahBoner November 8, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Drunken Nate Silver knows the exact time Joe the Not Plummer died, as well as what song was playing on his iPod, even noting the time at 3:42…

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 12:18 pm

there is a particular line from a very bad james joyce play i was in that always appealed to me (likely as the actress who delivered it was very funny).

"and i saw that you had got fat."

fuflans November 8, 2012 at 12:29 pm

palin and joe:

jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean.

only with gender inversion.

ChrisM2011 November 8, 2012 at 12:35 pm

24% of that district is very scary. *locks car doors while passing through*

AlaskaGrrl November 8, 2012 at 12:49 pm

24% of the vote? Our schools are obviously failing.

Dildeaux November 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

24% of the population believes that 24% is greater than 50%, so joe wins!

Troglodeity November 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I just don't understand how – with standard-bearers like Joe the Plumber, Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin, Sarah "Shuck and Jive" Palin, Donald "Revolution" Trump, Richard "Oops" Perry, Newt "Janitor Kids" Gingrich, Richard "Rape Babies are a Gift from God" Mourdock, Clint "Chair" Eastwood, and Mitt "47 Percent" Romney – the Republicans could possibly have lost this election.

walterhwhite November 8, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Is he only metaphorically dead? How disappointing.

La_Cieca November 8, 2012 at 3:13 pm

In that plaid, he looks like Joe the Sofa.

mrblifil November 8, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Seriously? He looks odd, like not the same as when we first knew him. Some kind of steroidal therapy? Residual effects of lobotomy?

Baba_NinjaCat12 November 8, 2012 at 7:48 pm
ttommyunger November 9, 2012 at 10:13 am

Joe The Loser!

Halloween Jack November 9, 2012 at 11:16 am

24%? That's not even crazification-factor level.

Slapwow November 10, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Ironically, "Joe the Plumber" is my porn name.

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