pantheon of fallen heroes

Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’

There is not a reason in the world to click on the video above of fallen Wonkette hero “Joe” the “Plumber” flapping his gums at his election loss party, except to note his killer rags. Dude, you were running for Congress. You think the flannel might be a touch … less formal than the occasion demands? Nah, fuck it man. You are “authentic” and “real” just like your fake name and fake occupation! And now you are dead. Let us gather our rosebuds and meet back on the other side of the jump to remember the manifold gifts “Joe” the “Plumber” has given to your Wonkette, lo these many years.

You shot to superstardom with just one plaintive bitchfest, but your flame burned too bright, especially after desperate sad man John McCain seized, desperately and sadly, on your “common man” “Joe Sixpack” … earthiness. (Stupidity.) After that, you tried to do some common grifting, and it sort of worked for a while (we guess).

But your gravy train ended, and so you ran for Congress, living on campaign cash.

But because you are the world’s laziest man, you didn’t even work at that.

You wrote a book we guess?

Because you are a muppet, you toured the country for a piece of legislation, but did not actually know what it said or did.

Because you are a big strong man, you threatened to physically kick the shit out of Nancy Pelosi.

You said some bullshit about “queers,” and then yelled at the ladies what asked you about it.

You told stupid hippies paying taxes is awesome and they should stop being common moochers, like you.

You said Jews caused the Holocaust by not having guns.

You said you would like to shoot Mexicans.

You received 24 percent of the vote.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. actor212

      Basically, he ran in a district he had no chance of Kapturing (heh!) and lived off $60K a year plus whatever meals and drinks he could scam off bartenders, diner owners and others who were Kaptured (heh, again!) by his celebrity.

      Hey, I'd be embarrassed, too….NOT!

      1. CommieLibunatic

        Sarah who? I've just been grateful she's been beaten (with votes!) into obscurity, save for making an appearance every two or four years to talk about Freedom and do her runway model walk.

    1. HateMachine

      Suppose there were a ballot measure that read "Referendum 2: Deport you – yes, YOU – to a FEMA death camp immediately. We seriously have a van following you."

      It would clear 20% of the vote, because 20% of the population will vote for literally anything.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      We used to have an expression around here, "twenty-three-percenters" (referring to those special people who still believed GWBush was a great president, at the end of his second term).

      This is well within the sampling error.

  1. Lot_49

    Democracy isn't broken yet.

    Having sat on a barstool next to 200 windbags like this, I don't need to see him on teevee.

      1. CindynEncinitas

        I think they inhibit the Earth. Yeah. From becoming a complete waste of carbon. Or something. Hey! Bilbray lost, too! Woot woot! RepreSENT 52nd! We got smarter!!!!

    1. miss_grundy

      Those are probably also the people who fell for the grifters who were selling stuff to prepare for The Rapture…

  2. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Republican Voters Voicing Complaints About Intimidating Black Man On Ballot"
    (The Onion)

    BTW, I believe that 24% is pretty much exactly the number who thought Dumbya was a great president. My money says it's the very same people.

  3. RomneysLogCabin

    I guess losing is a humbling experience because he sounds fairly normal in his down-to-earth concession speech.

    1. SoBeach

      No kidding. I hope all of them aren't going to give up the abrasive, pig-headed asshole shtick. That's how I spotted them.

          1. Lascauxcaveman

            I'm pretty sure there's a filter for that here. Just like words to similar to a formerly famous grifter's kid's name.

      1. Boojum

        I knew a woman with a very large clitoris, that could stand in for Joe's dick. Mann Coulter, now, that thang is Long Dong Silver territory.

    1. valgal2342

      Which is she more depressed about? Obama winning or Chris Christie paling around with Obama to get some love from Springsteen?

  4. ThundercatHo

    You are fat, stupid and smell like fail but I bet Sarah Palin would totally do you now since she is a desperate, aged harpy with an obvious meth addiction. Call her!

  5. AngryBlakGuy

    …with those credentials, I'm actually surprised that he isn't in congress already? He does meet all the Rethuglican requirements

    -White: check!
    -Born with penis: check!
    -Dodges taxes: check!
    -Masturbates to the photo of a AR-15: check!
    -Doesn't like Brown people: check!
    -Probably doesn't have high school diploma: check!

    I don't think I left anything out

  6. actor212

    But your gravy train ended, and so you ran for Congress, living on campaign cash.


    You can do that?

    Fuck. I'm declaring for every fucking office known to man, in that case. I can spend the rest of my life running for office from the comfort of my lounge chair in the Campbell Apartment.

    Trix, you can let me buy you many martinis interview me when you're in town and write it off as a business expense!

  7. FakaktaSouth

    "I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hotdog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips–"
    "You'll get nothing and like it!"

    I know I do.

  8. neiltheblaze

    We can call living on campaign cash "Pulling a Wurlzelbacher". Or we could keep the already coined "Pulling a Witchy O'Donnell". Whichever you prefer.

  9. Poindexter718

    Oh well, at least he has a trade to fall back on. As long as there are pipes, the world will always need licensed, certified…turds to go thru them.

  10. Baconzgood

    I'd rather watch that Cleveland bus driver give that chick a mean ass upper cut on you tube. Man he tagged her yo.

  11. CrunchyKnee

    That was something alright, but it would have been even cooler if he had done it to Joe the Grifter, yo (with votes of course).

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    No more running for the shelter of your plumber's little helper
    And grift helps you through the night, helps to minimise your plight.

  13. TheGyrus

    24% of the vote is even less than the 27% Alan Keyes got when he ran for Senate against Barack Obama. Could it be that the pool of batshit crazy voters is shrinking?

  14. tessiee

    If this is one of those things where slow-motion soft-focus pictures of "Joe" play over sad music, I ain't watching.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    There've been so many losers to forget this year that I almost forgot to forget Mia Love. Joe the Plumber's Helper is just gonna have to wait, since he's worn out his welcome, even as a has-been.

    1. actor212

      Hang on….we're like forty years past the election of Shirley Chisholm and the Republicans STILL haven't had a black woman in Congress??????????????

    2. Mumbletypeg

      The first Haitian-American female mayor for her Utah district and such.
      I wonder if "Honey I'll be your forbidden chocolate candy" would constitute possibly the sexiest words in the Mormon language?

  16. Poindexter718

    Oh, and the dispatcher is paging you, Joe: It seems the guy who made you famous by schooling you on the concept of marginal tax rates invited the governor of NJ over for burritos and now he needs his toilet snaked. The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

      1. Incitefully_Joe

        But also, and mostly, with fists. And possibly tire-irons.

        There's a name for a political philosophy that is obsessed with the redemptive power of ideologically-purifying populist violence, I don't want to belabor the point by using it again so often after talking about former Rep. Allen West, but yeah.

  17. Pithaughn

    Let me guess, the same 24% thought Romney would win in a landslide? I wonder if the righties who get all their info from that RW echo chamber will question their source just a little now? nah.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        I remember hipster critics of the late '70s calling their Smash Hit Corporate Rock Period "The Doobie Associates" and "Steely Dan Lite". Still a good song, though.

  18. Jerri

    Well, I feel good knowing that at least he will stick to his principles and not rely on any kind of public assistance while he is between jobs.

  19. Texan_Bulldog

    For government to be so evil, he sure was eager to hop aboard the government gravy train with all its socialist healthcare & nice perks (for Joe I'm assuming the young interns).

  20. T3rbo

    And now this asshole wants to replace the tax code? What qualifies this guy to do anything at all? Education? Experience? When I was young, I always thought it would be awesome to run the Ninja roller coaster at the local Six Flags, but those who make decisions would not have let me do so. It would have been great for me but not great for the people who would have sustained chiropractic injuries and or decapitations. The difference between 13 year old me and Joe the Failer? I knew not to even ask because I realized I had no business trying.

  21. prommie

    Joe is the poster child for the lumpenproletariat. Dumb, angry, white, self-pitying, blaming everyone and anyone else (who has dark skin of course) for his problems and failures. Its that gosh darn gubmints fault he can't run a business, its the darkies on welfare's fault he has to pay taxes (which he cheats on as much as he possibly can) its all whine this and whine that and poor me, fucking loserboy fucking whiner fucktard. And he is just the posterboy, there are so so so many millions of these lazy fucked up angry idiots out there with their 80 IQs and functional illiteracy and drug problems all ranting about how they woulda gone to college but the affirmative action and they gave all the scholarships to the blahs and the gubmint won't let me get ahead. They should all just choke on their bile and die.

  22. T3rbo

    A comment from Joe's own webiste:

    If you don’t like the Government, and you don’t believe in the democratic system, why do you want to be in congress? If you are not a politician, how does anyone think that you will be able to work the appropriate levers of the political machine or worse, not be taken for a ride by unscrupulous forces in the Republican or Democratic party? Naivete is only sexy in a college cheerleader. You aren’t a cheerleader, are you?

    Weep, indeed. We won't have Joe to kick around any longer :'(

  23. glasspusher

    Is there some sort of conservation of mass between him and Palin? He got fat! Also, seems like someone's got a plunger up his ass.

  24. DahBoner

    Drunken Nate Silver knows the exact time Joe the Not Plummer died, as well as what song was playing on his iPod, even noting the time at 3:42…

  25. fuflans

    there is a particular line from a very bad james joyce play i was in that always appealed to me (likely as the actress who delivered it was very funny).

    "and i saw that you had got fat."

  26. Troglodeity

    I just don't understand how – with standard-bearers like Joe the Plumber, Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin, Sarah "Shuck and Jive" Palin, Donald "Revolution" Trump, Richard "Oops" Perry, Newt "Janitor Kids" Gingrich, Richard "Rape Babies are a Gift from God" Mourdock, Clint "Chair" Eastwood, and Mitt "47 Percent" Romney – the Republicans could possibly have lost this election.

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