pantheon of fallen heroes

Weep, Ye Mighty, For Fallen Soldier ‘Joe’ The ‘Plumber’

There is not a reason in the world to click on the video above of fallen Wonkette hero “Joe” the “Plumber” flapping his gums at his election loss party, except to note his killer rags. Dude, you were running for Congress. You think the flannel might be a touch … less formal than the occasion demands? Nah, fuck it man. You are “authentic” and “real” just like your fake name and fake occupation! And now you are dead. Let us gather our rosebuds and meet back on the other side of the jump to remember the manifold gifts “Joe” the “Plumber” has given to your Wonkette, lo these many years.

You shot to superstardom with just one plaintive bitchfest, but your flame burned too bright, especially after desperate sad man John McCain seized, desperately and sadly, on your “common man” “Joe Sixpack” … earthiness. (Stupidity.) After that, you tried to do some common grifting, and it sort of worked for a while (we guess).

But your gravy train ended, and so you ran for Congress, living on campaign cash.

But because you are the world’s laziest man, you didn’t even work at that.

You wrote a book we guess?

Because you are a muppet, you toured the country for a piece of legislation, but did not actually know what it said or did.

Because you are a big strong man, you threatened to physically kick the shit out of Nancy Pelosi.

You said some bullshit about “queers,” and then yelled at the ladies what asked you about it.

You told stupid hippies paying taxes is awesome and they should stop being common moochers, like you.

You said Jews caused the Holocaust by not having guns.

You said you would like to shoot Mexicans.

You received 24 percent of the vote.

.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • elviouslyqueer

    You received 24 percent of the vote.

    Ameriduh FUCK YEA. USA USA USA!!!!!!111!!!1!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Basically, he ran in a district he had no chance of Kapturing (heh!) and lived off $60K a year plus whatever meals and drinks he could scam off bartenders, diner owners and others who were Kaptured (heh, again!) by his celebrity.

      Hey, I'd be embarrassed, too….NOT!

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      wow! that's even less than the usual dullard percentage! huzzah duhMerkuh!

  • Mapmonger

    YOU GET NOTHING. YOU LOSE. GOOD DAY SIR.

    I SAID GOOD DAY SIR

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Sorry, wingnuts like Not Joe Not the Plumber never go away. (See: Sarah Snowbilly Grifter Palin).

      • CommieLibunatic

        Sarah who? I've just been grateful she's been beaten (with votes!) into obscurity, save for making an appearance every two or four years to talk about Freedom and do her runway model walk.

    • Boojum

      Fucking Snozwangler.

    • Caelan Aegana

      No one takes you seriously when you say Good Day Sir.

      • Mapmonger

        And you've found that out through bitter personal experience, have you?

  • Barbara_

    Joe's plan to reduce taxes was just not to pay them.

    • RomneysLogCabin

      So, the Romney way?

      • Barbara_

        Yep!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …it is obvious that 24% of the population were dropped on their heads as children.

    • Terry

      Or were high and voted for "Joe" for the lulz

    • HateMachine

      Suppose there were a ballot measure that read "Referendum 2: Deport you – yes, YOU – to a FEMA death camp immediately. We seriously have a van following you."

      It would clear 20% of the vote, because 20% of the population will vote for literally anything.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Do they have hot showers and cots?

        • chicken_thief

          JCP&L still hasn't gotten to your neighborhood, huh?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Oh. I was fine, never even lost teh TeeVee…well, until last night's storm…I was just trying to ponder why someone would vote for that.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      We used to have an expression around here, "twenty-three-percenters" (referring to those special people who still believed GWBush was a great president, at the end of his second term).

      This is well within the sampling error.

    • calliecallie

      Not hard enough.

    • Dildeaux

      24% of the population would vote for a 2 x 4 if it identified as republican.

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        I assume you're talking about the "splinter vote"?

    • natoslug

      I was dropped on my head as a child. Twice. And I still wouldn't vote for this floater.

  • Lot_49

    Democracy isn't broken yet.

    Having sat on a barstool next to 200 windbags like this, I don't need to see him on teevee.

  • finallyhappy

    so 24% of the voters in that district are dumber than Joe.

    • chicken_thief

      Prolly the same 24% of the population that believes extraterrestrial beings inhabit the Earth.

      • Jimmyone

        Now hold on there….Where did they go?

      • CindynEncinitas

        I think they inhibit the Earth. Yeah. From becoming a complete waste of carbon. Or something. Hey! Bilbray lost, too! Woot woot! RepreSENT 52nd! We got smarter!!!!

    • miss_grundy

      Those are probably also the people who fell for the grifters who were selling stuff to prepare for The Rapture…

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    The Republican party is a super magnet for grifters.

    • mrpuma2u

      Will Joe the Plunger puh-LEEZ go away for good?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Republican Voters Voicing Complaints About Intimidating Black Man On Ballot"
    (The Onion)

    BTW, I believe that 24% is pretty much exactly the number who thought Dumbya was a great president. My money says it's the very same people.

    • HateMachine

      They were so intimidated, they stayed away from polling places and let him be president again.

    • YouBetcha

      That Venn Diagram is a perfect circle.

  • RomneysLogCabin

    I guess losing is a humbling experience because he sounds fairly normal in his down-to-earth concession speech.

    • SoBeach

      No kidding. I hope all of them aren't going to give up the abrasive, pig-headed asshole shtick. That's how I spotted them.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    WILL. NOT. WATCH.

    EVER. AGAIN.

    BEGONE, POOPSMITH!

  • LibrarianX

    Somehow, his fame exceeded his 15 minutes. Time for him to go away.

  • LibrarianX

    Joe – go show your butt crack to someone who cares.

    • nounverb911

      Lindsey Graham probably needs a new intern.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Have you no sense of decency sir (or madam), at long last? Have you left no sense of decency?

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Sir. And a very nice sir, to boot.

        • HateMachine

          None of us do.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            I'm pretty sure there's a filter for that here. Just like words to similar to a formerly famous grifter's kid's name.

  • smashedinhat

    He needs a hug from Mann Coulter, cuz I hear she's a tad depressed.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Many women have two bumps, Ann's just happen to be in her throat and in her lower private area.

      • Boojum

        I knew a woman with a very large clitoris, that could stand in for Joe's dick. Mann Coulter, now, that thang is Long Dong Silver territory.

    • valgal2342

      Which is she more depressed about? Obama winning or Chris Christie paling around with Obama to get some love from Springsteen?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    To be fair to hapless Joe, it is better he grift the GOP and its grumpy old white people supporters than doing real damage unclogging toilets.

  • Smithboy

    The McCain curse (Sarah Palin et al) lives.

    • kittensdontlie

      Everything he touched, turned to gold dust.

  • AlterNewt

    Now he can get back to not being a plumber.

    • tessiee

      I understand he also plans to spend less time with his family.

      • AlterNewt

        When reached for comment, his family replied, "Who?"

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Joey, we hardly knew ye.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And even that was too fucking much.

  • ThundercatHo

    You are fat, stupid and smell like fail but I bet Sarah Palin would totally do you now since she is a desperate, aged harpy with an obvious meth addiction. Call her!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Holy snap!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Saw her very briefly on FOX election night coverage. Not looking too well.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    I bet Joe is now in favor of spreading the votes around.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Fame is a fickle mistress, ain't she "Joe?"

  • royhobbson

    Soooo…now can he officially change his name to "Joe the Congressman?"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Gather ye, Rose, Buds while ye may.

  • Goonemeritus

    Ohio a great State or the greatest State?

    • Disassembly

      Take it easy on Ohio. We don't want to anger them.

    • Stevola

      I joined the Navy to get out of Ohio. It worked, but they tell me there are other ways.

      • CindynEncinitas

        How intrepid of you! Ohio prolly loves you better than Joe the Asshat.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, with the slowly improving economy, maybe he can get a job. Maybe as a plumber?

  • Kid_Charlemagne

    What a ballcock! (If I might use a plumbing term!)

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …with those credentials, I'm actually surprised that he isn't in congress already? He does meet all the Rethuglican requirements

    -White: check!
    -Born with penis: check!
    -Dodges taxes: check!
    -Masturbates to the photo of a AR-15: check!
    -Doesn't like Brown people: check!
    -Probably doesn't have high school diploma: check!

    I don't think I left anything out

    • Misty Malarky

      How 'bout a teeny, tiny pseudopenis?

    • chicken_thief

      Needz some whack comment about "God loves rape babies" or some shit like that.

    • tessiee

      Extremely stupid and aggressively ignorant: check!

    • Barrelhse

      Taps feet in restroom.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …wide stance: check!

    • CindynEncinitas

      Needz moar plastic-looking hair and a horsie.

    • JustPixelz

      – is an actual plumber? um … NO CHECK

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    But your gravy train ended, and so you ran for Congress, living on campaign cash.

    Wait.

    You can do that?

    Fuck. I'm declaring for every fucking office known to man, in that case. I can spend the rest of my life running for office from the comfort of my lounge chair in the Campbell Apartment.

    Trix, you can let me buy you many martinis interview me when you're in town and write it off as a business expense!

  • FakaktaSouth

    "I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger. I want a hotdog. I want a milkshake. I want potato chips–"
    "You'll get nothing and like it!"

    I know I do.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Bet you 20 the Wurzelbacher kid picks his nose. Another 20 says he eats it.

    • ttommyunger

      We're all gonna get laid! (except Joe)

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    And if he still remembers how to do plumbing? He can assist with job skills training and show the other unemployed losers how to not do that right, either~!

  • neiltheblaze

    We can call living on campaign cash "Pulling a Wurlzelbacher". Or we could keep the already coined "Pulling a Witchy O'Donnell". Whichever you prefer.

    • chicken_thief

      Hmptf. That's not very nice.

      ~ Lou Sarah

  • Fukui-sanYesOta

    Did he ever buy that plumbing business?

    Oh. Yeah.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    John McCain's legacy: Sarah Palin, Joe the Plumber. Thanks for the floaters, John.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      You'd think an old dude would know the value of fiber…

  • Poindexter718

    Oh well, at least he has a trade to fall back on. As long as there are pipes, the world will always need licensed, certified…turds to go thru them.

    • Stevola

      Those toilets won't scrub themselves, you know.

  • Disassembly

    Toledo didn't deserve him. Hang on, that doesn't sound right.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Sartorially challenged douchebag is douchey.

  • Gorillionaire

    As every plumber knows, shit rolls down hill.

    • prommie

      Hot is on the left, cold is on the right, and shit don't flow uphill. Thats about it.

    • prommie

      Oh, and don't chew your fingernails. Not if you are a plumber, no no no.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    an indication that Americans are not as stupid as we have been appearing?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "The 24% will always be with us."

      – Jesus (or somebody)

  • HRH_Maddie

    Fear not, Joe. You'll make a mighty fine Jeopardy answer someday.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Alex, I'll take douche bags for $500, final offer

      • Graham Cracker

        Joe would never be more than the $100 answer.

  • Baconzgood

    I'd rather watch that Cleveland bus driver give that chick a mean ass upper cut on you tube. Man he tagged her yo.

  • sbj1964

    Joe's 15 minutes of fame ended long ago,now it's just sad.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He's a plumber. He might get fifteen minutes but he still bills you for an hour.

  • CrunchyKnee

    That was something alright, but it would have been even cooler if he had done it to Joe the Grifter, yo (with votes of course).

  • BaldarTFlagass

    No more running for the shelter of your plumber's little helper
    And grift helps you through the night, helps to minimise your plight.

  • Misty Malarky

    Geez, Walnuts' campaign is the the gift that keeps on giving.

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Possible job opening at "Butt Cracks "я" Us, apply at rear enterance.

    • Botlrokit

      not the way I want to greet the greeter.

  • TheGyrus

    24% of the vote is even less than the 27% Alan Keyes got when he ran for Senate against Barack Obama. Could it be that the pool of batshit crazy voters is shrinking?

  • tessiee

    If this is one of those things where slow-motion soft-focus pictures of "Joe" play over sad music, I ain't watching.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    There've been so many losers to forget this year that I almost forgot to forget Mia Love. Joe the Plumber's Helper is just gonna have to wait, since he's worn out his welcome, even as a has-been.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Hang on….we're like forty years past the election of Shirley Chisholm and the Republicans STILL haven't had a black woman in Congress??????????????

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      The first Haitian-American female mayor for her Utah district and such.
      I wonder if "Honey I'll be your forbidden chocolate candy" would constitute possibly the sexiest words in the Mormon language?

    • T3rbo

      I'm a mother, I ran a failed congressional bid, and I'm a Mormon!

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Most of the Mormons I've met have been mothers, one way or another.

  • Poindexter718

    Oh, and the dispatcher is paging you, Joe: It seems the guy who made you famous by schooling you on the concept of marginal tax rates invited the governor of NJ over for burritos and now he needs his toilet snaked. The address is 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

    • Ruhe

      Success is the best revenge.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    My favorite part was the part where he intimated that maybe reporters and liberals and war critics should be roughed up a bit in acts of mob violence, for Freedom.

    • CindynEncinitas

      With votes!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        But also, and mostly, with fists. And possibly tire-irons.

        There's a name for a political philosophy that is obsessed with the redemptive power of ideologically-purifying populist violence, I don't want to belabor the point by using it again so often after talking about former Rep. Allen West, but yeah.

  • Indiepalin

    Ann Coulter needs a good stiff one this morning.

    • proudgrampa

      She sounded like she'd already had one in that Laura Ingraham interview.

    • neiltheblaze

      What's his name?

    • bobbert

      Piss hard-on libel!

    • Troglodeity

      And not her own.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    Assume Joe dead. Finally.

  • Pithaughn

    Let me guess, the same 24% thought Romney would win in a landslide? I wonder if the righties who get all their info from that RW echo chamber will question their source just a little now? nah.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Everybody join in on the chorus!!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=krhBPiNCI5A

    • T3rbo

      hahahah he could have replaced all of his youtube "POLICY" videos with this

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        I remember hipster critics of the late '70s calling their Smash Hit Corporate Rock Period "The Doobie Associates" and "Steely Dan Lite". Still a good song, though.

  • Jerri

    Well, I feel good knowing that at least he will stick to his principles and not rely on any kind of public assistance while he is between jobs.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    For government to be so evil, he sure was eager to hop aboard the government gravy train with all its socialist healthcare & nice perks (for Joe I'm assuming the young interns).

  • T3rbo

    And now this asshole wants to replace the tax code? What qualifies this guy to do anything at all? Education? Experience? When I was young, I always thought it would be awesome to run the Ninja roller coaster at the local Six Flags, but those who make decisions would not have let me do so. It would have been great for me but not great for the people who would have sustained chiropractic injuries and or decapitations. The difference between 13 year old me and Joe the Failer? I knew not to even ask because I realized I had no business trying.

  • BoroPrimorac

    If I'm not mistaken this motherfucker once siad that Obama was an affirmative action hire.

  • prommie

    Joe is the poster child for the lumpenproletariat. Dumb, angry, white, self-pitying, blaming everyone and anyone else (who has dark skin of course) for his problems and failures. Its that gosh darn gubmints fault he can't run a business, its the darkies on welfare's fault he has to pay taxes (which he cheats on as much as he possibly can) its all whine this and whine that and poor me, fucking loserboy fucking whiner fucktard. And he is just the posterboy, there are so so so many millions of these lazy fucked up angry idiots out there with their 80 IQs and functional illiteracy and drug problems all ranting about how they woulda gone to college but the affirmative action and they gave all the scholarships to the blahs and the gubmint won't let me get ahead. They should all just choke on their bile and die.

    • T3rbo

      You spelled "lumpy" wrong

  • T3rbo

    A comment from Joe's own webiste:

    If you don’t like the Government, and you don’t believe in the democratic system, why do you want to be in congress? If you are not a politician, how does anyone think that you will be able to work the appropriate levers of the political machine or worse, not be taken for a ride by unscrupulous forces in the Republican or Democratic party? Naivete is only sexy in a college cheerleader. You aren’t a cheerleader, are you?

    Weep, indeed. We won't have Joe to kick around any longer :'(

  • glasspusher

    Is there some sort of conservation of mass between him and Palin? He got fat! Also, seems like someone's got a plunger up his ass.

  • DahBoner

    Drunken Nate Silver knows the exact time Joe the Not Plummer died, as well as what song was playing on his iPod, even noting the time at 3:42…

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    there is a particular line from a very bad james joyce play i was in that always appealed to me (likely as the actress who delivered it was very funny).

    "and i saw that you had got fat."

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    palin and joe:

    jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean.

    only with gender inversion.

  • ChrisM2011

    24% of that district is very scary. *locks car doors while passing through*

  • AlaskaGrrl

    24% of the vote? Our schools are obviously failing.

  • Dildeaux

    24% of the population believes that 24% is greater than 50%, so joe wins!

  • Troglodeity

    I just don't understand how – with standard-bearers like Joe the Plumber, Todd "Legitimate Rape" Akin, Sarah "Shuck and Jive" Palin, Donald "Revolution" Trump, Richard "Oops" Perry, Newt "Janitor Kids" Gingrich, Richard "Rape Babies are a Gift from God" Mourdock, Clint "Chair" Eastwood, and Mitt "47 Percent" Romney – the Republicans could possibly have lost this election.

  • walterhwhite

    Is he only metaphorically dead? How disappointing.

  • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

    In that plaid, he looks like Joe the Sofa.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Seriously? He looks odd, like not the same as when we first knew him. Some kind of steroidal therapy? Residual effects of lobotomy?

  • Baba_NinjaCat12
  • ttommyunger

    Joe The Loser!

  • Halloween Jack

    24%? That's not even crazification-factor level.

  • Slapwow

    Ironically, "Joe the Plumber" is my porn name.