A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts

  who's the job creator now jerks

No one to... oppress?Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago.

They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency.

Rep. Joe Walsh, Illinois
Walsh is going to need to find something else to do with his time, as he got his ass kicked by an opponent who does not even have legs. Plus, he owes like $100 grand in child support, so it’s kind of important for this to work.

He was super pumped on not raising the debt ceiling, so accounting is probably out, but there is a McDonald’s in Chicago that needs a crew member! Keep him away from the register and it should be fine, probably! It is at 555 W. Madison St., and his manager will be Carlos S. — let us hope Carlos S. is not a Muslim, else there may be problems, as it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress.

Rep. Todd Akin, Missouri
Oh, that Todd, who thinks women secrete special birth control when they are raped. What a guy! What a thoughtful, caring guy, who, coincidentally, was arrested so many times at abortion clinic protests.

Because of this coincidence, which is all it is, and not an indication that he really believes he can shame away abortion forever, Akin would probably be perfect for the job opening at Planned Parenthood St. Louis, for a security guard!

It says you need a high school diploma, but does not specify any knowledge of biology or reaason, which is good news for Todd. Plus , he gets a gun! You know, in case some batshit conservative shows up to harass women because Jesus told him to, and trespasses illegally, and refuses to leave until the police physically carry him away. Apparently, some people do that. Eight times.

Richard Mourdock, Indiana
Not technically a defeated incumbent, but he was defeated in the Senate race. He’s still got a job as treasurer of Indiana, but that’s not looking so great now that they’ve realized something like $526 million just kind of wandered off, and now they either can’t find it or can’t get it to the counties that are supposed to get it, which was pretty much Mourdock’s only job, wasn’t it?

So anyway, it’s probably time Ricky started polishing the ol’ CV. He could have made it to the Senate, if he hadn’t said “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen,” which is a brave thing to say, as it made him sound like a zealotmonster, a little bit.

But since he has such an advanced knowledge of God’s will the rest of us simply have not developed yet, he could almost certainly convince someone over at the Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault that they need an expert on staff to explain to victims how lucky they are, to be the loving recipients of God’s will, inside of them. That’s worth $30 grand a year, right? And give the man some health care — it’s estimated that around 1.7 million Indianan men and women have experienced sexual assault, so he’s going to be very busy explaining things, on account of God has been very busy intending them.

Rep. Allen West, Florida
He’s not technically set to be unemployed yet, as Florida is still bumbling around trying to figure out which end of the ballot is up, which gets a little less funny every time it happens. Tallies indicate The Colonel lost to Democratic challenger Patrick “Who The Hell Is Patrick Murphy” Murphy by several thousand votes, but West is demanding a recount, even though the state is like, “Erm… you can’t just go ask for a recount because you lost.” In any case, the race hasn’t been officially called yet.

But it will be! We believe that it will be, and that West will need to find employment elsewhere. It’s tricky to find a job for him though, on account of the only job skills listed on his resume are “killing terrorists” and “killing more terrorists, hooah.”

It’s also difficult because of West’s rocky employment history: He’s going to get booted from the whole “being a congressman” gig, and his longest employer, the United States Army, forced him to retire for, like, “torturing a police officer,” or whatever, no big deal, but still. He was also briefly a high school history teacher, but he said it was worse there than it was in Afghanistan, and a student tried to punch him, and he quit after a year.

But good news! Boca Raton is always looking for wastewater plant operators, which pays at least $15.77 an hour, plus he’d get to be one of the lucky folks that “pumps sludge” and “skims grease from settling tanks.”

It should be a good fit, as it keeps him away from children, who are worse than the Taliban, and from Muslims, who are all trying to kidnap him, and from most other humans, whom he would just try to shoot at.

These are not the only poor loons left unemployed after Tuesday’s explosion of common sense and reason, but these are some. Please, keep the rest in your thoughts, as they desperately flail around trying to find something they are good at, because congressing turned out to not really be in their wheelhouse. Say, is Beelzebub looking for lobbyists?

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159 comments

  1. Goonemeritus

    Wise people council that now is a time to heal, that these elections drive our nation farther apart. It behooves the victor to be humble in victory and not spike the ball so that the nation can come together. To this I say FUCK THAT I will tell you when I am good and ready to stop laughing at these morons.

    1. writemeblue

      yeah, my reaction 2 days later is still pretty much this: "HAHAHAHA!" And then I take a breath, and I go "HAHAHAHAHA…HAHA!" And then I breathe again, and then I go "HA! HA! HAHA!" one more time.

    2. actor212

      When they start apologizing to the country for delaying and obsfucating on jobs when millions of people are hurting out there, then I'll be conciliatory.

      Until then, trust everyone but cut the cards yourself

    3. finallyhappy

      Marriage equality passed in Maryland. I have had dealings for a long time with the organized homophobic bigots here and so just posted something about them(a particular group) . I think for my whole life- I will continue to gloat over these shitheads and their bible thumping lies(but I didn't use those words in my posting). In fact, I really hope to see the local head of one group- and I plan to say something to her botoxed hateful face

    4. Callyson

      It behooves the victor to be humble in victory in public and be ready to be utterly ruthless against the Republicans who obstructed him so many times in his first term IRL, so that the nation can come together.

      /fixed it for those wise people

  2. HRH_Maddie

    Who are we kidding. You just know these hypocrites will suckle off of the sweet, sweet teat of unemployment all the while whining about the "entitled" people ruining this country.

      1. bobbert

        As I understand it, you have to serve in Congress for at least five years to become vested, so Walsh, Mourdock, and West will not (unless they log more years in future) receive a Congressional pension.

        Akin is eligible, and with 12 years of service will get something like 30% of his final salary (e.g., around $50K per year). Since he is over 62, he will start collecting immediately.

    1. PugglesRule

      They will also take any and all government pensions they believe they are entitled to. Operative word: entitled.

  3. SorosBot

    " They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows)"

    Well not totally all; just heard on the radio that Mary Bono just conceded.

    1. GemlikeFlame

      And Ol' Crazy-eyes kept her seat, but I'm more than happy to keep Michele around for the entertainment value. It's not like she actually influenced anything of importance, so I think we should have the Department of Labor create a new occupational category for her.

      Impotent Frothing Disenfranchised GOP Clown

      She'd be a scream at birthday parties. A literal scream.

  4. BaldarTFlagass

    Joe Walsh should go to law school and become a divorce lawyer. Maybe specializing in custody and child support.

    1. boskolives

      If Joe's really looking for work, he can kiss my still happy ass. I have a nice crisp $5.00 bill just waiting for him. Of course I'll pay him under the table, since that's where he's going to be spending the rest of his career.

    1. SorosBot

      That's what believing their own bullshit gets them. Yes, teabaggers, keep dragging the Republican party down to certain defeat.

    2. freakishlywrong

      Who didn't see that shit coming? I'm just surprised it took them so long. "Conservatism can only BE failed". Sheesh. Fuckers.

  5. ManchuCandidate

    They could form their own Barber Shop Quartet, "Blessed Are God's Rape Kids."

    Akins – the funny one
    Mourdock – the weird one
    Walsh – the young one
    West – the… um… "urban" one who makes all the old white ladies feel all funny inside as he pistols whips them.

    1. HRH_Maddie

      Sounds more like a boy band than a Barber Shop Quartet, but you're still on to something there. We'll still need a "cute one" to help with the tween demographic.

    2. RomneysLogCabin

      Maddow did a piece on this last night. It was glorious! It made me want to be inside her even more, except she doesn't like boys. Sad times.

  6. Not_So_Much

    Allen West could be the most shouty personal trainer ever at a 24 Hour Fitness. Just slapping people who aren't "in it to win it". Maybe crack off a few rounds from his gat next to their ear. Seems like a perfect fit.

  7. UnholyMoses

    I don't give a shit what Joe Walsh does, as long as he PAYS HIS GODDAMN CHILD SUPPORT, THE FUCKING FUCK!!

    Or, less shouty: Garnish that motherfucker's pay, tout de suite.

  8. James Michael Curley

    Tommy Thompson will seriously consider whether the coffin nail was being a 68 year old has been politician with the name of a 8 year old brat.

    1. PugglesRule

      I am so pleased that my fellow Wisconsinites didn't fall for Tommy's alleged "charm" yet again (he was governor for 14 years!). Not to mention, Tammy being gay was apparently a non-issue. Perhaps we are starting to move into the 21st century here.
      </snark-free content>

  9. Schmannnity

    Maybe all four can join the Mitt Five and sing America The Beautiful at VFWs and American Legion halls.

  10. James Michael Curley

    Josh Mandel knows that his mother and wife love him but doesn't want them to give his in-laws his new telephone number

  11. UnholyMoses

    Seems as though God already made his commandment*: The man named Mourdick shall not be employed.

    (* Trust me. Got some experience in this area.)

  12. FlipFlopFuck

    Now they can all spend more time with their families…well, if Walsh had one! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

  13. not that Dewey

    Joe Walsh could be one of those guys standing in the street, wearing sandwich boards, hawking for some real estate agency or discount burrito stand.

      1. not that Dewey

        What, no "laser tattoo removal" or "$35 for a pint of your blood plasma"? You guys have it made.

  14. smashedinhat

    "The Donald" could have them all compete for some shit job cleaning urinals in one of his hotels. Until he needed to stoke his fires by firing them. Donald?

    1. CrankyLttlCamperette

      The idea of "The Apprentice: Ex-CongressCritter Edition" makes me want to laugh and laugh and laugh until they may me take my meds.

  15. Terry

    "it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress."

    One of the fundamental issues with wingnuttery, whether it's the teabagger, libertarian, or evangelical form, is that the stuff they spout has no actual relationship to real day to day life.

  16. BadKitty904

    Say, speaking of jerb creators, the states that had the sense to legalize pot have a whole new industry to staff! I'm guessing the start-ups are beginning to crank and the legislators are penning laws to tax the hell outta it all for revenue.

    Or are they still too stoned?

  17. Botlrokit

    The most delightful part about Akin and Mourdock is their unrepentance. They still think they done right by wimmenz. VALUES

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Hey Allan West: I hear there are great jobs still open in Afghanistan. I'm sure they could use your years of military expertise and the always careful, considerate way you approach statecraft and diplomacy. Git ta gittin!

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Sad thing is, he can probably hire on with one of the security companies and make twice what he made as a congressman.

  19. OneYieldRegular

    If all else fails, there's always dressing up like a gorilla and competing on "Dancing With The Stars."

  20. larrykat

    Re: Allen West: Give a man a turd and he can smell it for a day; teach him to be a wastewater treatment plant operator and he is supplied for a lifetime.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      A lot of people feel like Christie hurt, that we definitely lost four or five points between the storm and Chris Christie giving Obama a chance to be bigger than life,” said one of Romney’s biggest fundraisers, who requested anonymity to speak candidly.

      What. the. ACTUAL. fuck? "Bigger than life"? He's the motherfucking PRESIDENT doing his motherfucking JOB, you assbag.

      1. Incitefully_Joe

        Right, but in the context of the election, Chris Christie clearly should have screwed over his own constituency in the face of a major natural disaster, in order to make the president look bad.

        -Signed,
        Michael "Heckuva Job" Brownie.

  21. Toomush_Infer

    Well, at least Mitt can get back to revising his tax return….last year's was a bitch….if he did that regularly, he wouldn't deserve to be president (of Bizarro World)…

  22. Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like The Donald needs to have these guys on Loser Politicians Apprentice. Team them up with Meat Loaf & Ted Nugent. Or a show where they fight to the death–I'm cool with that, too.

  23. widestanceromance

    I see them forming the Rape Club Advocacy Institute, since it's gotten so hard out there for rapists. First on the agenda is getting GOP congressional members to sign pledges declaring all white male sperm a protected class.

  24. DixvilleCrotch

    I have an opening for Assistant Crack Whore. (Hmm in what SNL episode was that phrase uttered?)

    1. shelwood46

      I think that was multiple Norm MacDonald Weekend Updates (his listings of the Worst Job in America).

  25. flipdraw

    The fear is, of course, that they'll all fail upwards. Wishing I could find the Spy magazine story on that topic. No doubt the short-fingered vulgarian ("The Donald") is well ridiculed in that piece, circa 1989-ish.

  26. sbj1964

    Republicans are like Cocroaches you have to spray Black Flag,and watch them skiter to the molding.They will be back if your not vigilant.

  27. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I know Paul Ryan still has job, but I would like to invite him to wash my dishes. And, no, they're not already clean.

      1. Grief_Lessons

        Nice. The odd Leonard Cohen reference invokes the spirit of Ken Layne to these pages, while references to buttsecks and gin conjure up Ana Marie Cox. Now if you lie down drunk and fully clothed in a bathtub you'll have achieved some kind of trifecta.

  28. GeorgiaBurning

    Let them collect unemployment and use food stamps for awhile. Sell the Suburban. Seriously, we all know these jerks are going to float like gassy shit.

  29. Steverino247

    I can't think of an election so satisfying. Damned near everything I wanted I got. Everybody I gave money to won (and this includes Patrick Murphy, even though I'm in CA). I was at a golf course yesterday and nobody really bitched about the President winning. Only one guy raised Benghazi and I was able to shut that down by reminding them of my intelligence background and how one should never politicize intelligence work because some fool always blurts out more than we're supposed to know. "None of us should even know the CIA was operating in Benghazi, should we?" pretty much settled that argument.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Seconded, on Murphy. I was in MI when I donated, and this outcome is invigorating.
      Let Xe put West into an "enhanced interrogation" role, if he passes the psych evaluation.
      (hee hee hee)

  30. thatsitfortheother1

    I was unemployed for a while when I was young, but I managed to pull myself up by my own jockstraps.

  31. Incitefully_Joe

    Allen West is currently alleging "irregularities" at the polls, which seem to largely amount to "people voting, and not for me". So hold on to your butts, folks, because this is going to be somewhat of a wild ride.

    Fascists are not really known for taking their electoral losses lying down, so Allen West's general pantswetting over his loss will be generally educational, from a political historical perspective.

  32. owhatever

    The fat lady, Donny Osmond, has sung. Go to the Cayman Islands and drink amongst those what love and comfort you.

  33. imissopus

    So Indiana has Mourdock in charge of its treasury and Mitch "Former OMB Director For Dubya the Great Debt Creator" Daniels handling its money? Good luck, Hoosiers. Don't come whining to the rest of us when you need a bailout.

  34. Redhead

    You know, I got into a conversation with a nice older man who happens to work for the government this week. We started by joking that there should be a sobriety test before anyone is allowed to vote, but he quickly said he thought there should be requirements to vote, like owning property.
    When I said, "well, yeah, but with the credit requirements right now to buy, you pretty much have to have rich parents helping you out, inherit property, or have saved for decades to be able to buy. A lot of people who work hard are renting," he conceded that well, since they're working, they're invested in the community and can vote. But clarified that people who receive government assistance shouldn't be allowed to vote.
    I said, "how do you define government assistance? What a single parent I know who fosters kids, works and pays bills but receives assistance for childcare, healthcare, etc for the foster kids?" He conceded that foster parents (who work) should be allowed to vote, because they're helping the community and just getting help paying for the bills of kids that aren't even theirs.
    He then added, "besides, everyone knows blacks don't get free childcare." I'm pretty sure he was joking… (This doesn't really have anything to do with unemployed Congressional hopefuls getting on unemployment other than cognitive dissonance and stupidity. Yay America!)

  35. LibrarianX

    I would hate to be Karl Rove if his billionaire donors thought he might be working secretly for the other side. But really – who benefited more from his efforts, the RNC or the DNC?

  36. VeraSevera

    Note to Paul Ryan: The Steamworks baths in Berkeley (aka L'Oeuvres du Miste) has an opening for a towelboy who wears his baseball cap backwards.

  37. ttommyunger

    Trying to give a fuck about these fuckwad's future prospects……trying………trying……FAIL!

Comments are closed.