No one to... oppress?Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago.

They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency.

Rep. Joe Walsh, Illinois
Walsh is going to need to find something else to do with his time, as he got his ass kicked by an opponent who does not even have legs. Plus, he owes like $100 grand in child support, so it’s kind of important for this to work.

He was super pumped on not raising the debt ceiling, so accounting is probably out, but there is a McDonald’s in Chicago that needs a crew member! Keep him away from the register and it should be fine, probably! It is at 555 W. Madison St., and his manager will be Carlos S. — let us hope Carlos S. is not a Muslim, else there may be problems, as it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress.

Rep. Todd Akin, Missouri
Oh, that Todd, who thinks women secrete special birth control when they are raped. What a guy! What a thoughtful, caring guy, who, coincidentally, was arrested so many times at abortion clinic protests.

Because of this coincidence, which is all it is, and not an indication that he really believes he can shame away abortion forever, Akin would probably be perfect for the job opening at Planned Parenthood St. Louis, for a security guard!

It says you need a high school diploma, but does not specify any knowledge of biology or reaason, which is good news for Todd. Plus , he gets a gun! You know, in case some batshit conservative shows up to harass women because Jesus told him to, and trespasses illegally, and refuses to leave until the police physically carry him away. Apparently, some people do that. Eight times.

Richard Mourdock, Indiana
Not technically a defeated incumbent, but he was defeated in the Senate race. He’s still got a job as treasurer of Indiana, but that’s not looking so great now that they’ve realized something like $526 million just kind of wandered off, and now they either can’t find it or can’t get it to the counties that are supposed to get it, which was pretty much Mourdock’s only job, wasn’t it?

So anyway, it’s probably time Ricky started polishing the ol’ CV. He could have made it to the Senate, if he hadn’t said “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen,” which is a brave thing to say, as it made him sound like a zealotmonster, a little bit.

But since he has such an advanced knowledge of God’s will the rest of us simply have not developed yet, he could almost certainly convince someone over at the Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault that they need an expert on staff to explain to victims how lucky they are, to be the loving recipients of God’s will, inside of them. That’s worth $30 grand a year, right? And give the man some health care — it’s estimated that around 1.7 million Indianan men and women have experienced sexual assault, so he’s going to be very busy explaining things, on account of God has been very busy intending them.

Rep. Allen West, Florida
He’s not technically set to be unemployed yet, as Florida is still bumbling around trying to figure out which end of the ballot is up, which gets a little less funny every time it happens. Tallies indicate The Colonel lost to Democratic challenger Patrick “Who The Hell Is Patrick Murphy” Murphy by several thousand votes, but West is demanding a recount, even though the state is like, “Erm… you can’t just go ask for a recount because you lost.” In any case, the race hasn’t been officially called yet.

But it will be! We believe that it will be, and that West will need to find employment elsewhere. It’s tricky to find a job for him though, on account of the only job skills listed on his resume are “killing terrorists” and “killing more terrorists, hooah.”

It’s also difficult because of West’s rocky employment history: He’s going to get booted from the whole “being a congressman” gig, and his longest employer, the United States Army, forced him to retire for, like, “torturing a police officer,” or whatever, no big deal, but still. He was also briefly a high school history teacher, but he said it was worse there than it was in Afghanistan, and a student tried to punch him, and he quit after a year.

But good news! Boca Raton is always looking for wastewater plant operators, which pays at least $15.77 an hour, plus he’d get to be one of the lucky folks that “pumps sludge” and “skims grease from settling tanks.”

It should be a good fit, as it keeps him away from children, who are worse than the Taliban, and from Muslims, who are all trying to kidnap him, and from most other humans, whom he would just try to shoot at.

These are not the only poor loons left unemployed after Tuesday’s explosion of common sense and reason, but these are some. Please, keep the rest in your thoughts, as they desperately flail around trying to find something they are good at, because congressing turned out to not really be in their wheelhouse. Say, is Beelzebub looking for lobbyists?

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you’re really excited, Rich Abdill is on Facebook and Twitter too.

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  • Goonemeritus

    Wise people council that now is a time to heal, that these elections drive our nation farther apart. It behooves the victor to be humble in victory and not spike the ball so that the nation can come together. To this I say FUCK THAT I will tell you when I am good and ready to stop laughing at these morons.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Who are we kidding. You just know these hypocrites will suckle off of the sweet, sweet teat of unemployment all the while whining about the "entitled" people ruining this country.

    • BadKitty904

      "…all the while whining on the Faux Network about the "entitled" people ruining this country."

    • freakishlywrong

      You're avatar is adorable. I want to hug it.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Thank you and permission granted. Hug away!

      • DCBloom

        Me too, I'm a sucker for red mud boots.

    • finallyhappy

      They will become lobbyists- it is the DC way- plus they get great pensions from Congress.

      • bobbert

        As I understand it, you have to serve in Congress for at least five years to become vested, so Walsh, Mourdock, and West will not (unless they log more years in future) receive a Congressional pension.

        Akin is eligible, and with 12 years of service will get something like 30% of his final salary (e.g., around $50K per year). Since he is over 62, he will start collecting immediately.

    • PugglesRule

      They will also take any and all government pensions they believe they are entitled to. Operative word: entitled.

    • Redhead

      Yes but they EARNED their unemployment, unlike SOME people (*cough* the blahs)

  • SorosBot

    " They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows)"

    Well not totally all; just heard on the radio that Mary Bono just conceded.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      She moves in mysterious ways.

      • UnholyMoses

        She still hasn't found what she's looking for.

        • not that Dewey

          Tuesday, Bloody Tuesday

          • elviouslyqueer

            She's even better than the real thing.

    • GemlikeFlame

      And Ol' Crazy-eyes kept her seat, but I'm more than happy to keep Michele around for the entertainment value. It's not like she actually influenced anything of importance, so I think we should have the Department of Labor create a new occupational category for her.

      Impotent Frothing Disenfranchised GOP Clown

      She'd be a scream at birthday parties. A literal scream.

    • chicken_thief

      *To Mary*

      It ain't you they're looking for, babe.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        "I've got you, babe."

        Oops, not anymore. Sayonara!

    • Rumor has it that Sonny was whispering "I got you babe" when they pulled him away from the tree, and he meant the tree.

    • MosesInvests

      Then there was the mayor of Troy, MI (ok, I'll give you a pass-she was kinda ambiguous, there).

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Joe Walsh should go to law school and become a divorce lawyer. Maybe specializing in custody and child support.

    • If Joe's really looking for work, he can kiss my still happy ass. I have a nice crisp $5.00 bill just waiting for him. Of course I'll pay him under the table, since that's where he's going to be spending the rest of his career.

  • forgracie
  • They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds.

    Conservidicks vow to put teabaggers in charge of Republican Party

    If there is a God, I hope she loves me enough to let this happen.

    • BadKitty904

      Amen, amen, amen!!!

    • SorosBot

      That's what believing their own bullshit gets them. Yes, teabaggers, keep dragging the Republican party down to certain defeat.

    • freakishlywrong

      Who didn't see that shit coming? I'm just surprised it took them so long. "Conservatism can only BE failed". Sheesh. Fuckers.

    • Gotta love that lack of serious introspection (especially the really dumb) Cons have.

      • BadKitty904

        And LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG may they keep it!!!

    • One_who_wanders

      from your lips to her ears!

    • OK, did anyone not see this coming?

  • They could form their own Barber Shop Quartet, "Blessed Are God's Rape Kids."

    Akins – the funny one
    Mourdock – the weird one
    Walsh – the young one
    West – the… um… "urban" one who makes all the old white ladies feel all funny inside as he pistols whips them.

    • HRH_Maddie

      Sounds more like a boy band than a Barber Shop Quartet, but you're still on to something there. We'll still need a "cute one" to help with the tween demographic.

      • tessiee

        "We'll still need a "cute one""

        Paul Ryan?

        • He still has a job… wah wah wah waaaaaah.

        • HRH_Maddie

          Ew. I meant more like Justin Timberlake.

          • FlyOverGirl

            Josh Mandel.

    • RomneysLogCabin

      Maddow did a piece on this last night. It was glorious! It made me want to be inside her even more, except she doesn't like boys. Sad times.

    • finallyhappy

      Hey, do not leave out Roscoe Bartlett- although he is 82 and looks like a mummy already.

  • arihaya

    There will always be Uncle Ailes to comfort them with comfy chair in Fox "News"

  • UnholyMoses

    No way can Akin get a legitimate job.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, not many listings in the classifieds for people with giant heads and tiny brains.

      • LIT_Fag

        A CEO?

    • tessiee

      Hiring departments have a mysterious way of shutting that shit down.

    • Stevola

      If it's a legitimate job it will reject him.

      • NellCote71

        God's will. Oh, wait. That was the other one.

    • Indiepalin

      Rape. Murder. It's just a shot away.


        • thatsitfortheother1

          Oh man, what a voice.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Allen West will now have time to track down the real communists.

    • And help OJ find Nicole's killer?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      He needs to look no further than here…

  • BadKitty904

    I dunno – West has "future ex-cop" written all over 'im…

  • James Michael Curley

    Linda McMahon is guaranteed a position at a local community hall stacking chairs.

    • One_who_wanders

      She pissed away 100 million dollars to lose twice. Sweet!

      • chicken_thief

        She a graduate of the Karl Rove Academy of How to Spend Your Millions Wisely?

        • Lascauxcaveman

          She a real job creator. At least for a couple ad agencies and media outlets, bless her heart.

        • One_who_wanders

          She should be a tenured faculty member. Or have endowed chair.

          • chicken_thief

            Easy with the "e" word – whenever Marcus hears it he gets weak in the knees.

    • Whaddya mean? She's got a job for life doing very wooden on-air promo spots on her husband's rasslin' TV shows.

    • viennawoods13

      Folding chairs, amirite?

  • Not_So_Much

    Allen West could be the most shouty personal trainer ever at a 24 Hour Fitness. Just slapping people who aren't "in it to win it". Maybe crack off a few rounds from his gat next to their ear. Seems like a perfect fit.

  • UnholyMoses

    I don't give a shit what Joe Walsh does, as long as he PAYS HIS GODDAMN CHILD SUPPORT, THE FUCKING FUCK!!

    Or, less shouty: Garnish that motherfucker's pay, tout de suite.

  • AlterNewt

    Allen West- Soldier of Fortune.

  • James Michael Curley

    Tommy Thompson will seriously consider whether the coffin nail was being a 68 year old has been politician with the name of a 8 year old brat.

    • PugglesRule

      I am so pleased that my fellow Wisconsinites didn't fall for Tommy's alleged "charm" yet again (he was governor for 14 years!). Not to mention, Tammy being gay was apparently a non-issue. Perhaps we are starting to move into the 21st century here.
      </snark-free content>

  • Walsh: "Choose Dead[beat]!"
    Akin: "Choose Life!"
    Mourdock [to the missing Trea$ury dough]: "Choose flight!"
    Allen West [to self]: "Think White!"

  • Schmannnity

    Maybe all four can join the Mitt Five and sing America The Beautiful at VFWs and American Legion halls.

    • tessiee

      Still better than Meat Loaf's version.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They should go to history'

  • James Michael Curley

    Josh Mandel knows that his mother and wife love him but doesn't want them to give his in-laws his new telephone number

  • UnholyMoses

    Seems as though God already made his commandment*: The man named Mourdick shall not be employed.

    (* Trust me. Got some experience in this area.)

  • memzilla

    You know, if it's a legitimate job loss, Mother Karma has a way of shutting the whole thing down.

  • FlipFlopFuck

    Now they can all spend more time with their families…well, if Walsh had one! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

    • Walsh *is* excited about spending more time with his family values. See they're interchangeable concepts, to him.

  • not that Dewey

    Joe Walsh could be one of those guys standing in the street, wearing sandwich boards, hawking for some real estate agency or discount burrito stand.

    • BadKitty904

      "WE BUY GOLD!"

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Down here in TX, it's guys holding "We Buy Gold" placards.

      • not that Dewey

        What, no "laser tattoo removal" or "$35 for a pint of your blood plasma"? You guys have it made.

    • tessiee

      Or panhandling for quarters.

    • Selling hot dogs at Wrigley with all the enthusiasm of Dan Hedaya in Rookie of the Year.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      He could wear a Statue of Liberty costume during tax season.

  • smashedinhat

    "The Donald" could have them all compete for some shit job cleaning urinals in one of his hotels. Until he needed to stoke his fires by firing them. Donald?

    • CrankyLttlCamperette

      The idea of "The Apprentice: Ex-CongressCritter Edition" makes me want to laugh and laugh and laugh until they may me take my meds.

  • Terry

    "it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress."

    One of the fundamental issues with wingnuttery, whether it's the teabagger, libertarian, or evangelical form, is that the stuff they spout has no actual relationship to real day to day life.

    • BadKitty904

      You'd think they might've noticed that this past Tuesday…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    West could get a job as a counselor, like Lee Ermey.
    "You know what makes me sad? You do! Maybe we should head on over to Namby Pamby Land and get you some self confidence, you jack wagon!"

    With some advice to Boehner:

  • Allmighty_Manos

    I heard Mitt Romney was hiring

  • BadKitty904

    Say, speaking of jerb creators, the states that had the sense to legalize pot have a whole new industry to staff! I'm guessing the start-ups are beginning to crank and the legislators are penning laws to tax the hell outta it all for revenue.

    Or are they still too stoned?

    • Jimmyone

      still stoned….and looking for advice from DOJ…pass the cheetos pleeze

  • Botlrokit

    The most delightful part about Akin and Mourdock is their unrepentance. They still think they done right by wimmenz. VALUES

  • freakishlywrong

    I see lotsa spokesmouths for "Gubbmint backed reverse mortgages".

    • BaldarTFlagass

      They'll take Fred Thompson's job from his cold dead hands.

    • Or Pat Boone's from his cold dead vocal cords.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Hey Allan West: I hear there are great jobs still open in Afghanistan. I'm sure they could use your years of military expertise and the always careful, considerate way you approach statecraft and diplomacy. Git ta gittin!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Sad thing is, he can probably hire on with one of the security companies and make twice what he made as a congressman.

    • BadKitty904

      Wouldn't that require *actually*…getting shot at? With bullets and stuff?

      • elviouslyqueer

        "Other duties as assigned."

    • You just know Blackwater, (oops, sorry), Xe would hire him.

  • tessiee

    “skims grease from settling tanks.”

    Oh, HELL no, you don't!
    That's Tessie's retirement grease!

  • OneYieldRegular

    If all else fails, there's always dressing up like a gorilla and competing on "Dancing With The Stars."

    • chicken_thief

      Do any of them have the chunky thighs necessary to fill that suit out?

  • larrykat

    Re: Allen West: Give a man a turd and he can smell it for a day; teach him to be a wastewater treatment plant operator and he is supplied for a lifetime.

  • Mahousu

    Mitt Romney's entire transition team was told to vacate the premises by Friday. That's not a lot of time for looting.

    Anyway, I figure all these guys can go to China to make Jeeps. Supposed to be plenty of openings there.

    • elviouslyqueer

      A lot of people feel like Christie hurt, that we definitely lost four or five points between the storm and Chris Christie giving Obama a chance to be bigger than life,” said one of Romney’s biggest fundraisers, who requested anonymity to speak candidly.

      What. the. ACTUAL. fuck? "Bigger than life"? He's the motherfucking PRESIDENT doing his motherfucking JOB, you assbag.

      • Right, but in the context of the election, Chris Christie clearly should have screwed over his own constituency in the face of a major natural disaster, in order to make the president look bad.

        Michael "Heckuva Job" Brownie.

      • Four or five points? Snort.

        • bobbert

          Yeah, I think that fella was snorting something when he said that.

    • finallyhappy

      It's Chris Christie's fault- sure, not that moron you had as a candidate

  • Toomush_Infer

    Well, at least Mitt can get back to revising his tax return….last year's was a bitch….if he did that regularly, he wouldn't deserve to be president (of Bizarro World)…

  • Estproph

    Personally I think they all missed their calling as doorstops.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    Sounds like The Donald needs to have these guys on Loser Politicians Apprentice. Team them up with Meat Loaf & Ted Nugent. Or a show where they fight to the death–I'm cool with that, too.

    • chicken_thief

      Guest appearances by Christine "The Bush" O'Donnell and Sharon "They all look Alike" Angle?

  • widestanceromance

    I see them forming the Rape Club Advocacy Institute, since it's gotten so hard out there for rapists. First on the agenda is getting GOP congressional members to sign pledges declaring all white male sperm a protected class.

  • DixvilleCrotch

    I have an opening for Assistant Crack Whore. (Hmm in what SNL episode was that phrase uttered?)

    • shelwood46

      I think that was multiple Norm MacDonald Weekend Updates (his listings of the Worst Job in America).

  • Repeat after me, class:

    "Do you want fries with that?"

    • elviouslyqueer

      "I'm sorry. Did you say you wanted a Grande or a Venti?"

  • flipdraw

    The fear is, of course, that they'll all fail upwards. Wishing I could find the Spy magazine story on that topic. No doubt the short-fingered vulgarian ("The Donald") is well ridiculed in that piece, circa 1989-ish.

  • sbj1964

    Republicans are like Cocroaches you have to spray Black Flag,and watch them skiter to the molding.They will be back if your not vigilant.

    • chicken_thief

      Reminds me of: After the Armaggedon there will still be cockroaches. And Cher.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I know Paul Ryan still has job, but I would like to invite him to wash my dishes. And, no, they're not already clean.

  • Grief_Lessons

    "It's lonely here, there's no one left to torture."


      • Grief_Lessons

        Nice. The odd Leonard Cohen reference invokes the spirit of Ken Layne to these pages, while references to buttsecks and gin conjure up Ana Marie Cox. Now if you lie down drunk and fully clothed in a bathtub you'll have achieved some kind of trifecta.

  • galinthewhite

    Rep. Nan Hayworth (R-NY)(female) also lost her seat.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    They could follow Rafalca around with shovels and buckets.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Guess Josh Mandel gets to go back to his Hall Monitor job.

  • GeorgiaBurning

    Let them collect unemployment and use food stamps for awhile. Sell the Suburban. Seriously, we all know these jerks are going to float like gassy shit.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    There's one for George Allen in the local Craigslist.

    Se busca mecanico con experiencia

  • Steverino247

    I can't think of an election so satisfying. Damned near everything I wanted I got. Everybody I gave money to won (and this includes Patrick Murphy, even though I'm in CA). I was at a golf course yesterday and nobody really bitched about the President winning. Only one guy raised Benghazi and I was able to shut that down by reminding them of my intelligence background and how one should never politicize intelligence work because some fool always blurts out more than we're supposed to know. "None of us should even know the CIA was operating in Benghazi, should we?" pretty much settled that argument.

    • bikerlaureate

      Seconded, on Murphy. I was in MI when I donated, and this outcome is invigorating.
      Let Xe put West into an "enhanced interrogation" role, if he passes the psych evaluation.
      (hee hee hee)

  • thatsitfortheother1

    I was unemployed for a while when I was young, but I managed to pull myself up by my own jockstraps.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I wonder what God intends to do with that $526 million.

  • Why kid ourselves, every one of those jackasses will end up working for Faux Nudes in some capacity.

  • decentcitizen

    The cottage industry of wingnuttery always has room to accommodate
    former (failed) statesmen.

  • Allen West is currently alleging "irregularities" at the polls, which seem to largely amount to "people voting, and not for me". So hold on to your butts, folks, because this is going to be somewhat of a wild ride.

    Fascists are not really known for taking their electoral losses lying down, so Allen West's general pantswetting over his loss will be generally educational, from a political historical perspective.

  • owhatever

    The fat lady, Donny Osmond, has sung. Go to the Cayman Islands and drink amongst those what love and comfort you.

  • Mojopo

    Oh dear God, I love this post. I want to make out with it.

  • Callyson

    What, Linda McMahon can't hire them all for WWE?

  • DahBoner

    And I hear Beaver Creek needs a couple of good hedge trimmers…

  • punkneverdies

    Boy, Wonkette lost a Children's Treasury of elected officials to make fun of.

  • LibrarianX

    I hear Walmart is always hiring.

  • So Indiana has Mourdock in charge of its treasury and Mitch "Former OMB Director For Dubya the Great Debt Creator" Daniels handling its money? Good luck, Hoosiers. Don't come whining to the rest of us when you need a bailout.

  • Hartman responded by ticking off a Bubba-Gump Shrimp-style list of reviews…


  • Redhead

    You know, I got into a conversation with a nice older man who happens to work for the government this week. We started by joking that there should be a sobriety test before anyone is allowed to vote, but he quickly said he thought there should be requirements to vote, like owning property.
    When I said, "well, yeah, but with the credit requirements right now to buy, you pretty much have to have rich parents helping you out, inherit property, or have saved for decades to be able to buy. A lot of people who work hard are renting," he conceded that well, since they're working, they're invested in the community and can vote. But clarified that people who receive government assistance shouldn't be allowed to vote.
    I said, "how do you define government assistance? What a single parent I know who fosters kids, works and pays bills but receives assistance for childcare, healthcare, etc for the foster kids?" He conceded that foster parents (who work) should be allowed to vote, because they're helping the community and just getting help paying for the bills of kids that aren't even theirs.
    He then added, "besides, everyone knows blacks don't get free childcare." I'm pretty sure he was joking… (This doesn't really have anything to do with unemployed Congressional hopefuls getting on unemployment other than cognitive dissonance and stupidity. Yay America!)

  • LibrarianX

    I would hate to be Karl Rove if his billionaire donors thought he might be working secretly for the other side. But really – who benefited more from his efforts, the RNC or the DNC?

  • mustangsavvy

    Don't worry Republicans! Satan is always looking for lobbyists. His ad in on Craigslist.

  • VeraSevera

    Note to Paul Ryan: The Steamworks baths in Berkeley (aka L'Oeuvres du Miste) has an opening for a towelboy who wears his baseball cap backwards.

  • ttommyunger

    Trying to give a fuck about these fuckwad's future prospects……trying………trying……FAIL!

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