WHO'S THE JOB CREATOR NOW JERKS  9:55 am November 8, 2012

A Children’s Treasury Of Job Applications For Defeated GOP Wingnuts

by Rich Abdill

No one to... oppress?Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago.

They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency.

Rep. Joe Walsh, Illinois
Walsh is going to need to find something else to do with his time, as he got his ass kicked by an opponent who does not even have legs. Plus, he owes like $100 grand in child support, so it’s kind of important for this to work.

He was super pumped on not raising the debt ceiling, so accounting is probably out, but there is a McDonald’s in Chicago that needs a crew member! Keep him away from the register and it should be fine, probably! It is at 555 W. Madison St., and his manager will be Carlos S. — let us hope Carlos S. is not a Muslim, else there may be problems, as it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress.

Rep. Todd Akin, Missouri
Oh, that Todd, who thinks women secrete special birth control when they are raped. What a guy! What a thoughtful, caring guy, who, coincidentally, was arrested so many times at abortion clinic protests.

Because of this coincidence, which is all it is, and not an indication that he really believes he can shame away abortion forever, Akin would probably be perfect for the job opening at Planned Parenthood St. Louis, for a security guard!

It says you need a high school diploma, but does not specify any knowledge of biology or reaason, which is good news for Todd. Plus , he gets a gun! You know, in case some batshit conservative shows up to harass women because Jesus told him to, and trespasses illegally, and refuses to leave until the police physically carry him away. Apparently, some people do that. Eight times.

Richard Mourdock, Indiana
Not technically a defeated incumbent, but he was defeated in the Senate race. He’s still got a job as treasurer of Indiana, but that’s not looking so great now that they’ve realized something like $526 million just kind of wandered off, and now they either can’t find it or can’t get it to the counties that are supposed to get it, which was pretty much Mourdock’s only job, wasn’t it?

So anyway, it’s probably time Ricky started polishing the ol’ CV. He could have made it to the Senate, if he hadn’t said “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen,” which is a brave thing to say, as it made him sound like a zealotmonster, a little bit.

But since he has such an advanced knowledge of God’s will the rest of us simply have not developed yet, he could almost certainly convince someone over at the Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault that they need an expert on staff to explain to victims how lucky they are, to be the loving recipients of God’s will, inside of them. That’s worth $30 grand a year, right? And give the man some health care — it’s estimated that around 1.7 million Indianan men and women have experienced sexual assault, so he’s going to be very busy explaining things, on account of God has been very busy intending them.

Rep. Allen West, Florida
He’s not technically set to be unemployed yet, as Florida is still bumbling around trying to figure out which end of the ballot is up, which gets a little less funny every time it happens. Tallies indicate The Colonel lost to Democratic challenger Patrick “Who The Hell Is Patrick Murphy” Murphy by several thousand votes, but West is demanding a recount, even though the state is like, “Erm… you can’t just go ask for a recount because you lost.” In any case, the race hasn’t been officially called yet.

But it will be! We believe that it will be, and that West will need to find employment elsewhere. It’s tricky to find a job for him though, on account of the only job skills listed on his resume are “killing terrorists” and “killing more terrorists, hooah.”

It’s also difficult because of West’s rocky employment history: He’s going to get booted from the whole “being a congressman” gig, and his longest employer, the United States Army, forced him to retire for, like, “torturing a police officer,” or whatever, no big deal, but still. He was also briefly a high school history teacher, but he said it was worse there than it was in Afghanistan, and a student tried to punch him, and he quit after a year.

But good news! Boca Raton is always looking for wastewater plant operators, which pays at least $15.77 an hour, plus he’d get to be one of the lucky folks that “pumps sludge” and “skims grease from settling tanks.”

It should be a good fit, as it keeps him away from children, who are worse than the Taliban, and from Muslims, who are all trying to kidnap him, and from most other humans, whom he would just try to shoot at.

These are not the only poor loons left unemployed after Tuesday’s explosion of common sense and reason, but these are some. Please, keep the rest in your thoughts, as they desperately flail around trying to find something they are good at, because congressing turned out to not really be in their wheelhouse. Say, is Beelzebub looking for lobbyists?

Check out Wonkette on Facebook and Twitter, and, if you’re really excited, Rich Abdill is on Facebook and Twitter too.

 
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{ 159 comments }

Goonemeritus November 8, 2012 at 9:55 am

Wise people council that now is a time to heal, that these elections drive our nation farther apart. It behooves the victor to be humble in victory and not spike the ball so that the nation can come together. To this I say FUCK THAT I will tell you when I am good and ready to stop laughing at these morons.

writemeblue November 8, 2012 at 10:11 am

yeah, my reaction 2 days later is still pretty much this: "HAHAHAHA!" And then I take a breath, and I go "HAHAHAHAHA…HAHA!" And then I breathe again, and then I go "HA! HA! HAHA!" one more time.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

Be sure to laugh that hard in your best Nelson Munz voice.

RomneysLogCabin November 8, 2012 at 10:15 am

Teach 'em how to Dougie!

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:23 am

When they start apologizing to the country for delaying and obsfucating on jobs when millions of people are hurting out there, then I'll be conciliatory.

Until then, trust everyone but cut the cards yourself

finallyhappy November 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

Marriage equality passed in Maryland. I have had dealings for a long time with the organized homophobic bigots here and so just posted something about them(a particular group) . I think for my whole life- I will continue to gloat over these shitheads and their bible thumping lies(but I didn't use those words in my posting). In fact, I really hope to see the local head of one group- and I plan to say something to her botoxed hateful face

starfanglednut November 8, 2012 at 11:14 am

Ok, just one more day of gloating, and then I shall return to being a decent human being.

Nah….

Callyson November 8, 2012 at 12:05 pm

It behooves the victor to be humble in victory in public and be ready to be utterly ruthless against the Republicans who obstructed him so many times in his first term IRL, so that the nation can come together.

/fixed it for those wise people

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 9:57 am

Who are we kidding. You just know these hypocrites will suckle off of the sweet, sweet teat of unemployment all the while whining about the "entitled" people ruining this country.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:00 am

"…all the while whining on the Faux Network about the "entitled" people ruining this country."

freakishlywrong November 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

You're avatar is adorable. I want to hug it.

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 10:04 am

Thank you and permission granted. Hug away!

DCBloom November 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

Me too, I'm a sucker for red mud boots.

finallyhappy November 8, 2012 at 10:26 am

They will become lobbyists- it is the DC way- plus they get great pensions from Congress.

bobbert November 8, 2012 at 12:31 pm

As I understand it, you have to serve in Congress for at least five years to become vested, so Walsh, Mourdock, and West will not (unless they log more years in future) receive a Congressional pension.

Akin is eligible, and with 12 years of service will get something like 30% of his final salary (e.g., around $50K per year). Since he is over 62, he will start collecting immediately.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 11:17 am

They will also take any and all government pensions they believe they are entitled to. Operative word: entitled.

Redhead November 8, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Yes but they EARNED their unemployment, unlike SOME people (*cough* the blahs)

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 9:59 am

" They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows)"

Well not totally all; just heard on the radio that Mary Bono just conceded.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:04 am

She moves in mysterious ways.

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 10:11 am

She still hasn't found what she's looking for.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 10:22 am

Tuesday, Bloody Tuesday

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 10:29 am

She's even better than the real thing.

GemlikeFlame November 8, 2012 at 10:11 am

And Ol' Crazy-eyes kept her seat, but I'm more than happy to keep Michele around for the entertainment value. It's not like she actually influenced anything of importance, so I think we should have the Department of Labor create a new occupational category for her.

Impotent Frothing Disenfranchised GOP Clown

She'd be a scream at birthday parties. A literal scream.

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 10:41 am

*To Mary*

It ain't you they're looking for, babe.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 10:45 am

"I've got you, babe."

Oops, not anymore. Sayonara!

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

Rumor has it that Sonny was whispering "I got you babe" when they pulled him away from the tree, and he meant the tree.

MosesInvests November 8, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Then there was the mayor of Troy, MI (ok, I'll give you a pass-she was kinda ambiguous, there).

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:00 am

Joe Walsh should go to law school and become a divorce lawyer. Maybe specializing in custody and child support.

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

If Joe's really looking for work, he can kiss my still happy ass. I have a nice crisp $5.00 bill just waiting for him. Of course I'll pay him under the table, since that's where he's going to be spending the rest of his career.

forgracie November 8, 2012 at 10:00 am
Joshua Norton November 8, 2012 at 10:01 am

They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds.

Conservidicks vow to put teabaggers in charge of Republican Party

If there is a God, I hope she loves me enough to let this happen.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

Amen, amen, amen!!!

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 10:03 am

That's what believing their own bullshit gets them. Yes, teabaggers, keep dragging the Republican party down to certain defeat.

freakishlywrong November 8, 2012 at 10:04 am

Who didn't see that shit coming? I'm just surprised it took them so long. "Conservatism can only BE failed". Sheesh. Fuckers.

ManchuCandidate November 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

Gotta love that lack of serious introspection (especially the really dumb) Cons have.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:14 am

And LOOOOOOOOOOOOONG may they keep it!!!

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 10:14 am

from your lips to her ears!

FlownOver November 8, 2012 at 10:33 am

OK, did anyone not see this coming?

ManchuCandidate November 8, 2012 at 10:01 am

They could form their own Barber Shop Quartet, "Blessed Are God's Rape Kids."

Akins – the funny one
Mourdock – the weird one
Walsh – the young one
West – the… um… "urban" one who makes all the old white ladies feel all funny inside as he pistols whips them.

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 10:03 am

Sounds more like a boy band than a Barber Shop Quartet, but you're still on to something there. We'll still need a "cute one" to help with the tween demographic.

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

"We'll still need a "cute one""

Paul Ryan?

ManchuCandidate November 8, 2012 at 10:18 am

He still has a job… wah wah wah waaaaaah.

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 10:24 am

Ew. I meant more like Justin Timberlake.

FlyOverGirl November 8, 2012 at 10:26 am

Josh Mandel.

RomneysLogCabin November 8, 2012 at 10:18 am

Maddow did a piece on this last night. It was glorious! It made me want to be inside her even more, except she doesn't like boys. Sad times.

finallyhappy November 8, 2012 at 10:27 am

Hey, do not leave out Roscoe Bartlett- although he is 82 and looks like a mummy already.

arihaya November 8, 2012 at 10:01 am

There will always be Uncle Ailes to comfort them with comfy chair in Fox "News"

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 10:01 am

No way can Akin get a legitimate job.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

Yeah, not many listings in the classifieds for people with giant heads and tiny brains.

LIT_Fag November 8, 2012 at 2:00 pm

A CEO?

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

Hiring departments have a mysterious way of shutting that shit down.

Stevola November 8, 2012 at 10:29 am

If it's a legitimate job it will reject him.

NellCote71 November 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

God's will. Oh, wait. That was the other one.

Indiepalin November 8, 2012 at 10:32 am

Rape. Murder. It's just a shot away.

FlownOver November 8, 2012 at 10:34 am

MERRY CLAYTON LIBEL!

thatsitfortheother1 November 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

Oh man, what a voice.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

Allen West will now have time to track down the real communists.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:19 am

And help OJ find Nicole's killer?

thatsitfortheother1 November 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

He needs to look no further than here…

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:02 am

I dunno – West has "future ex-cop" written all over 'im…

James Michael Curley November 8, 2012 at 10:03 am

Linda McMahon is guaranteed a position at a local community hall stacking chairs.

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

She pissed away 100 million dollars to lose twice. Sweet!

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 10:44 am

She a graduate of the Karl Rove Academy of How to Spend Your Millions Wisely?

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 10:58 am

She a real job creator. At least for a couple ad agencies and media outlets, bless her heart.

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 11:27 am

She should be a tenured faculty member. Or have endowed chair.

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 11:32 am

Easy with the "e" word – whenever Marcus hears it he gets weak in the knees.

doloras November 8, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Whaddya mean? She's got a job for life doing very wooden on-air promo spots on her husband's rasslin' TV shows.

viennawoods13 November 8, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Folding chairs, amirite?

Not_So_Much November 8, 2012 at 10:03 am

Allen West could be the most shouty personal trainer ever at a 24 Hour Fitness. Just slapping people who aren't "in it to win it". Maybe crack off a few rounds from his gat next to their ear. Seems like a perfect fit.

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 10:04 am

I don't give a shit what Joe Walsh does, as long as he PAYS HIS GODDAMN CHILD SUPPORT, THE FUCKING FUCK!!

Or, less shouty: Garnish that motherfucker's pay, tout de suite.

AlterNewt November 8, 2012 at 10:04 am

Allen West- Soldier of Fortune.

James Michael Curley November 8, 2012 at 10:04 am

Tommy Thompson will seriously consider whether the coffin nail was being a 68 year old has been politician with the name of a 8 year old brat.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 11:25 am

I am so pleased that my fellow Wisconsinites didn't fall for Tommy's alleged "charm" yet again (he was governor for 14 years!). Not to mention, Tammy being gay was apparently a non-issue. Perhaps we are starting to move into the 21st century here.
</snark-free content>

Mumbletypeg November 8, 2012 at 10:05 am

Walsh: "Choose Dead[beat]!"
Akin: "Choose Life!"
Mourdock [to the missing Trea$ury dough]: "Choose flight!"
Allen West [to self]: "Think White!"

Schmannnity November 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

Maybe all four can join the Mitt Five and sing America The Beautiful at VFWs and American Legion halls.

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

Still better than Meat Loaf's version.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:06 am

They should go to history'sgreatestmonster.com.

James Michael Curley November 8, 2012 at 10:07 am

Josh Mandel knows that his mother and wife love him but doesn't want them to give his in-laws his new telephone number

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 10:08 am

Seems as though God already made his commandment*: The man named Mourdick shall not be employed.

(* Trust me. Got some experience in this area.)

memzilla November 8, 2012 at 10:08 am

You know, if it's a legitimate job loss, Mother Karma has a way of shutting the whole thing down.

FlipFlopFuck November 8, 2012 at 10:08 am

Now they can all spend more time with their families…well, if Walsh had one! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Mumbletypeg November 8, 2012 at 10:13 am

Walsh *is* excited about spending more time with his family values. See they're interchangeable concepts, to him.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 10:08 am

Joe Walsh could be one of those guys standing in the street, wearing sandwich boards, hawking for some real estate agency or discount burrito stand.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:15 am

"WE BUY GOLD!"

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

Down here in TX, it's guys holding "We Buy Gold" placards.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 10:20 am

What, no "laser tattoo removal" or "$35 for a pint of your blood plasma"? You guys have it made.

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

Or panhandling for quarters.

FlownOver November 8, 2012 at 10:38 am

Selling hot dogs at Wrigley with all the enthusiasm of Dan Hedaya in Rookie of the Year.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 10:39 am

He could wear a Statue of Liberty costume during tax season.

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 10:42 am
smashedinhat November 8, 2012 at 10:08 am

"The Donald" could have them all compete for some shit job cleaning urinals in one of his hotels. Until he needed to stoke his fires by firing them. Donald?

CrankyLttlCamperette November 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

The idea of "The Apprentice: Ex-CongressCritter Edition" makes me want to laugh and laugh and laugh until they may me take my meds.

Terry November 8, 2012 at 10:08 am

"it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress."

One of the fundamental issues with wingnuttery, whether it's the teabagger, libertarian, or evangelical form, is that the stuff they spout has no actual relationship to real day to day life.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:15 am

You'd think they might've noticed that this past Tuesday…

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:09 am

West could get a job as a counselor, like Lee Ermey.
"You know what makes me sad? You do! Maybe we should head on over to Namby Pamby Land and get you some self confidence, you jack wagon!"

With some advice to Boehner: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hyYP8MyMRs

Allmighty_Manos November 8, 2012 at 10:09 am

I heard Mitt Romney was hiring

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:10 am

Say, speaking of jerb creators, the states that had the sense to legalize pot have a whole new industry to staff! I'm guessing the start-ups are beginning to crank and the legislators are penning laws to tax the hell outta it all for revenue.

Or are they still too stoned?

Jimmyone November 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

still stoned….and looking for advice from DOJ…pass the cheetos pleeze

Botlrokit November 8, 2012 at 10:10 am

The most delightful part about Akin and Mourdock is their unrepentance. They still think they done right by wimmenz. VALUES

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 10:19 am
freakishlywrong November 8, 2012 at 10:12 am

I see lotsa spokesmouths for "Gubbmint backed reverse mortgages".

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

They'll take Fred Thompson's job from his cold dead hands.

FlownOver November 8, 2012 at 10:40 am

Or Pat Boone's from his cold dead vocal cords.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 10:12 am

Hey Allan West: I hear there are great jobs still open in Afghanistan. I'm sure they could use your years of military expertise and the always careful, considerate way you approach statecraft and diplomacy. Git ta gittin!

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

Sad thing is, he can probably hire on with one of the security companies and make twice what he made as a congressman.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

Wouldn't that require *actually*…getting shot at? With bullets and stuff?

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 10:20 am

"Other duties as assigned."

DemmeFatale November 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

You just know Blackwater, (oops, sorry), Xe would hire him.

tessiee November 8, 2012 at 10:13 am

“skims grease from settling tanks.”

Oh, HELL no, you don't!
That's Tessie's retirement grease!

OneYieldRegular November 8, 2012 at 10:13 am

If all else fails, there's always dressing up like a gorilla and competing on "Dancing With The Stars."

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 10:54 am

Do any of them have the chunky thighs necessary to fill that suit out?

larrykat November 8, 2012 at 10:13 am

Re: Allen West: Give a man a turd and he can smell it for a day; teach him to be a wastewater treatment plant operator and he is supplied for a lifetime.

Mahousu November 8, 2012 at 10:15 am

Mitt Romney's entire transition team was told to vacate the premises by Friday. That's not a lot of time for looting.

Anyway, I figure all these guys can go to China to make Jeeps. Supposed to be plenty of openings there.

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 10:26 am

A lot of people feel like Christie hurt, that we definitely lost four or five points between the storm and Chris Christie giving Obama a chance to be bigger than life,” said one of Romney’s biggest fundraisers, who requested anonymity to speak candidly.

What. the. ACTUAL. fuck? "Bigger than life"? He's the motherfucking PRESIDENT doing his motherfucking JOB, you assbag.

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 11:47 am

Right, but in the context of the election, Chris Christie clearly should have screwed over his own constituency in the face of a major natural disaster, in order to make the president look bad.

-Signed,
Michael "Heckuva Job" Brownie.

imissopus November 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Four or five points? Snort.

bobbert November 8, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Yeah, I think that fella was snorting something when he said that.

finallyhappy November 8, 2012 at 10:30 am

It's Chris Christie's fault- sure, not that moron you had as a candidate

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

Well, at least Mitt can get back to revising his tax return….last year's was a bitch….if he did that regularly, he wouldn't deserve to be president (of Bizarro World)…

Estproph November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

Personally I think they all missed their calling as doorstops.

Texan_Bulldog November 8, 2012 at 10:16 am

Sounds like The Donald needs to have these guys on Loser Politicians Apprentice. Team them up with Meat Loaf & Ted Nugent. Or a show where they fight to the death–I'm cool with that, too.

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 10:56 am

Guest appearances by Christine "The Bush" O'Donnell and Sharon "They all look Alike" Angle?

widestanceromance November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

I see them forming the Rape Club Advocacy Institute, since it's gotten so hard out there for rapists. First on the agenda is getting GOP congressional members to sign pledges declaring all white male sperm a protected class.

DixvilleCrotch November 8, 2012 at 10:17 am

I have an opening for Assistant Crack Whore. (Hmm in what SNL episode was that phrase uttered?)

shelwood46 November 8, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I think that was multiple Norm MacDonald Weekend Updates (his listings of the Worst Job in America).

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 10:18 am

Repeat after me, class:

"Do you want fries with that?"

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 10:36 am

"I'm sorry. Did you say you wanted a Grande or a Venti?"

flipdraw November 8, 2012 at 10:25 am

The fear is, of course, that they'll all fail upwards. Wishing I could find the Spy magazine story on that topic. No doubt the short-fingered vulgarian ("The Donald") is well ridiculed in that piece, circa 1989-ish.

sbj1964 November 8, 2012 at 10:31 am

Republicans are like Cocroaches you have to spray Black Flag,and watch them skiter to the molding.They will be back if your not vigilant.

chicken_thief November 8, 2012 at 10:59 am

Reminds me of: After the Armaggedon there will still be cockroaches. And Cher.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 10:34 am

I know Paul Ryan still has job, but I would like to invite him to wash my dishes. And, no, they're not already clean.

Grief_Lessons November 8, 2012 at 10:40 am

"It's lonely here, there's no one left to torture."

doloras November 8, 2012 at 4:55 pm

GIVE ME CRACK AND ANAL SEX

Grief_Lessons November 8, 2012 at 5:59 pm

Nice. The odd Leonard Cohen reference invokes the spirit of Ken Layne to these pages, while references to buttsecks and gin conjure up Ana Marie Cox. Now if you lie down drunk and fully clothed in a bathtub you'll have achieved some kind of trifecta.

galinthewhite November 8, 2012 at 10:41 am

Rep. Nan Hayworth (R-NY)(female) also lost her seat.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

They could follow Rafalca around with shovels and buckets.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 10:43 am

Guess Josh Mandel gets to go back to his Hall Monitor job.

GeorgiaBurning November 8, 2012 at 10:47 am

Let them collect unemployment and use food stamps for awhile. Sell the Suburban. Seriously, we all know these jerks are going to float like gassy shit.

Blueb4sinrise November 8, 2012 at 10:48 am

There's one for George Allen in the local Craigslist.

Se busca mecanico con experiencia

Steverino247 November 8, 2012 at 10:49 am

I can't think of an election so satisfying. Damned near everything I wanted I got. Everybody I gave money to won (and this includes Patrick Murphy, even though I'm in CA). I was at a golf course yesterday and nobody really bitched about the President winning. Only one guy raised Benghazi and I was able to shut that down by reminding them of my intelligence background and how one should never politicize intelligence work because some fool always blurts out more than we're supposed to know. "None of us should even know the CIA was operating in Benghazi, should we?" pretty much settled that argument.

bikerlaureate November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Seconded, on Murphy. I was in MI when I donated, and this outcome is invigorating.
Let Xe put West into an "enhanced interrogation" role, if he passes the psych evaluation.
(hee hee hee)

thatsitfortheother1 November 8, 2012 at 10:50 am

I was unemployed for a while when I was young, but I managed to pull myself up by my own jockstraps.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 8, 2012 at 10:55 am

I wonder what God intends to do with that $526 million.

outragedcitizen November 8, 2012 at 11:37 am

Why kid ourselves, every one of those jackasses will end up working for Faux Nudes in some capacity.

decentcitizen November 8, 2012 at 11:42 am

The cottage industry of wingnuttery always has room to accommodate
former (failed) statesmen.

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 11:44 am

Allen West is currently alleging "irregularities" at the polls, which seem to largely amount to "people voting, and not for me". So hold on to your butts, folks, because this is going to be somewhat of a wild ride.

Fascists are not really known for taking their electoral losses lying down, so Allen West's general pantswetting over his loss will be generally educational, from a political historical perspective.

owhatever November 8, 2012 at 11:46 am

The fat lady, Donny Osmond, has sung. Go to the Cayman Islands and drink amongst those what love and comfort you.

Mojopo November 8, 2012 at 11:50 am

Oh dear God, I love this post. I want to make out with it.

Callyson November 8, 2012 at 12:05 pm

What, Linda McMahon can't hire them all for WWE?

DahBoner November 8, 2012 at 12:06 pm

And I hear Beaver Creek needs a couple of good hedge trimmers…

punkneverdies November 8, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Boy, Wonkette lost a Children's Treasury of elected officials to make fun of.

LibrarianX November 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I hear Walmart is always hiring.

imissopus November 8, 2012 at 12:24 pm

So Indiana has Mourdock in charge of its treasury and Mitch "Former OMB Director For Dubya the Great Debt Creator" Daniels handling its money? Good luck, Hoosiers. Don't come whining to the rest of us when you need a bailout.

Chow Yun Flat November 8, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Hartman responded by ticking off a Bubba-Gump Shrimp-style list of reviews…

WTF?

Redhead November 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

You know, I got into a conversation with a nice older man who happens to work for the government this week. We started by joking that there should be a sobriety test before anyone is allowed to vote, but he quickly said he thought there should be requirements to vote, like owning property.
When I said, "well, yeah, but with the credit requirements right now to buy, you pretty much have to have rich parents helping you out, inherit property, or have saved for decades to be able to buy. A lot of people who work hard are renting," he conceded that well, since they're working, they're invested in the community and can vote. But clarified that people who receive government assistance shouldn't be allowed to vote.
I said, "how do you define government assistance? What a single parent I know who fosters kids, works and pays bills but receives assistance for childcare, healthcare, etc for the foster kids?" He conceded that foster parents (who work) should be allowed to vote, because they're helping the community and just getting help paying for the bills of kids that aren't even theirs.
He then added, "besides, everyone knows blacks don't get free childcare." I'm pretty sure he was joking… (This doesn't really have anything to do with unemployed Congressional hopefuls getting on unemployment other than cognitive dissonance and stupidity. Yay America!)

LibrarianX November 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I would hate to be Karl Rove if his billionaire donors thought he might be working secretly for the other side. But really – who benefited more from his efforts, the RNC or the DNC?

mustangsavvy November 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Don't worry Republicans! Satan is always looking for lobbyists. His ad in on Craigslist.

VeraSevera November 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Note to Paul Ryan: The Steamworks baths in Berkeley (aka L'Oeuvres du Miste) has an opening for a towelboy who wears his baseball cap backwards.

ttommyunger November 9, 2012 at 10:08 am

Trying to give a fuck about these fuckwad's future prospects……trying………trying……FAIL!

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