Oh, yeah, sure, say Obama “saved the economy” or whatever, and maybe unemployment is “on the way down,” by and large, if you’re into numbers or blah blah blah, but listen up, little Cleverpants you, because there are people who lost their jobs not two days ago.
They are Republicans, booted out the door by an electorate that for some reason has a problem with politicians being completely off their gourds. They were not nice fellows (and yes, they are all fellows), and they had policies that were… not so great. And now they are unemployed, and sad. But this is America, where we encourage people to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! Take personal responsibility for themselves, and not be 47-percenters! We don’t have to worry about Unemployed Mitt Romney, as he can just crawl under his quilt of unreleased tax returns and whistle the days away, collecting dollars, but other Republicans may fall on hard times when their government paychecks don’t show up. We’ve found some jobs for them, to help them out of the slavery of government dependency.
Rep. Joe Walsh, Illinois
Walsh is going to need to find something else to do with his time, as he got his ass kicked by an opponent who does not even have legs. Plus, he owes like $100 grand in child support, so it’s kind of important for this to work.
He was super pumped on not raising the debt ceiling, so accounting is probably out, but there is a McDonald’s in Chicago that needs a crew member! Keep him away from the register and it should be fine, probably! It is at 555 W. Madison St., and his manager will be Carlos S. — let us hope Carlos S. is not a Muslim, else there may be problems, as it is far less acceptable to hate Muslims at McDonald’s than it is in Congress.
Rep. Todd Akin, Missouri
Oh, that Todd, who thinks women secrete special birth control when they are raped. What a guy! What a thoughtful, caring guy, who, coincidentally, was arrested so many times at abortion clinic protests.
Because of this coincidence, which is all it is, and not an indication that he really believes he can shame away abortion forever, Akin would probably be perfect for the job opening at Planned Parenthood St. Louis, for a security guard!
It says you need a high school diploma, but does not specify any knowledge of biology or reaason, which is good news for Todd. Plus , he gets a gun! You know, in case some batshit conservative shows up to harass women because Jesus told him to, and trespasses illegally, and refuses to leave until the police physically carry him away. Apparently, some people do that. Eight times.
Richard Mourdock, Indiana
Not technically a defeated incumbent, but he was defeated in the Senate race. He’s still got a job as treasurer of Indiana, but that’s not looking so great now that they’ve realized something like $526 million just kind of wandered off, and now they either can’t find it or can’t get it to the counties that are supposed to get it, which was pretty much Mourdock’s only job, wasn’t it?
So anyway, it’s probably time Ricky started polishing the ol’ CV. He could have made it to the Senate, if he hadn’t said “Even if life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen,” which is a brave thing to say, as it made him sound like a zealotmonster, a little bit.
But since he has such an advanced knowledge of God’s will the rest of us simply have not developed yet, he could almost certainly convince someone over at the Indiana Coalition Against Sexual Assault that they need an expert on staff to explain to victims how lucky they are, to be the loving recipients of God’s will, inside of them. That’s worth $30 grand a year, right? And give the man some health care — it’s estimated that around 1.7 million Indianan men and women have experienced sexual assault, so he’s going to be very busy explaining things, on account of God has been very busy intending them.
Rep. Allen West, Florida
He’s not technically set to be unemployed yet, as Florida is still bumbling around trying to figure out which end of the ballot is up, which gets a little less funny every time it happens. Tallies indicate The Colonel lost to Democratic challenger Patrick “Who The Hell Is Patrick Murphy” Murphy by several thousand votes, but West is demanding a recount, even though the state is like, “Erm… you can’t just go ask for a recount because you lost.” In any case, the race hasn’t been officially called yet.
But it will be! We believe that it will be, and that West will need to find employment elsewhere. It’s tricky to find a job for him though, on account of the only job skills listed on his resume are “killing terrorists” and “killing more terrorists, hooah.”
It’s also difficult because of West’s rocky employment history: He’s going to get booted from the whole “being a congressman” gig, and his longest employer, the United States Army, forced him to retire for, like, “torturing a police officer,” or whatever, no big deal, but still. He was also briefly a high school history teacher, but he said it was worse there than it was in Afghanistan, and a student tried to punch him, and he quit after a year.
But good news! Boca Raton is always looking for wastewater plant operators, which pays at least $15.77 an hour, plus he’d get to be one of the lucky folks that “pumps sludge” and “skims grease from settling tanks.”
It should be a good fit, as it keeps him away from children, who are worse than the Taliban, and from Muslims, who are all trying to kidnap him, and from most other humans, whom he would just try to shoot at.
These are not the only poor loons left unemployed after Tuesday’s explosion of common sense and reason, but these are some. Please, keep the rest in your thoughts, as they desperately flail around trying to find something they are good at, because congressing turned out to not really be in their wheelhouse. Say, is Beelzebub looking for lobbyists?