About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


      1. Blueb4sinrise

        Hey, where has he been?


        Reince Priebus ‏@Reince

        Thank you @MittRomney and @PaulRyanVP for running with grace and courage of conviction. You fought hard and made us all proud.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          Republican Memo

          Date: 11-7-12

          Subject: Election 2012

          Dear members,

          We can't blame the black dude this time, so, I guess we have to give credit to the black dude this time.

  1. memzilla

    Hmm. These women are talking about their husbands, I get that. I can't decide, though, if their hand gesture refers to their husband's dick size or chances of electability.

    1. mavenmaven

      can't be abnormal as they seem to work just fine, its not mormons that produced 5 billion chinese…

    2. BadKitty904

      Um. 'Pends the type of Asian – Thai vs. Chinese vs. Japanese vs. Indian vs. etc. And the individual. And that's all I've got to say about that.

      1. njstore

        Having spent most of my life in those regions. The Caucasian view point is generally the unkown, unknowable and therefore suspect. Unless you know. Now let's talk about Turks. Rebecca?

          1. SmutBoffin

            B.D.S.B., it has it's own microclimate, and the forecast indicates a significant chance of gettin' wet.

    1. MissTaken

      Obama's dick is so big it has it's own dick. And Obama's dick's dick is still bigger than Mitten's dick.

    2. gullywompr

      There is a Constitutional amendment currently being considered to allow Obama's Dick to run for a third term.

    3. AngryBlakGuy

      …I heard Obama's dick is so big that the National Science Committee is considering using it as unit of measure for interstellar travel.

          1. MissTaken

            Actually I'm at work nursing my post-election hangover. I'm super sleepy which usually means silly comments.


      B.H.O.'D.S.B, Gov. Christie wants it as part of a new Wax Museum and eventually use it as protection against rising waters in NJ.

      1. StillGoinGreen

        I thought you were facetiously pointing out the obvious, to which I was amused and replied with my own "dumb blond" style retort. If I mistook your comment as intentionally farcical, I apologize.

        Good day to you, Sir/Madam

  2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This is irrelevant since soon everyone will be forced to get gay married. Ladies, the line starts right over there.

    1. UnholyMoses

      That's great, baby, but that's my arm you're sucking on.

      Per Kris Kristoferson (during a tribute to Richard Pryor, who helped write the flick) that that was the ONE line — the only one — that the censors cut out of the movie.

      It does explain why the screen is black* for about 5 extra seconds after it.

      (* Pun acknowledged; not intended.)

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I remember that my high school paper in Redlands CA did a review of BlazSad when it came out, and the student/critic pointed out that everyone in the theater was laughing so hard about the It's Twoo line that they didn't hear the Sucking on my Arm line. So maybe it made it past the censors initially and then got pulled?

    2. MosesInvests

      'Scuse me while I whip this out.
      BTW, I once saw Blazing Saddles in a theater in Jacksonville, FL (the buckle of the Bible Belt). It was sort of surreal being the only person in the theater laughing at half the jokes.

  3. SorosBot

    It would look better with Egg giving her angry "How dare you people not elect my husband!" death glare from last night.

    1. actor212

      The black is a better athlete to begin with because he's been bred to be that way, because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs and he's bred to be the better athlete because this goes back all the way to the Civil War when during the slave trade'n the big… the owner… the slave owner would, would, would, would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have ah, ah big, ah big, ah big black kid see…

      / Jimmy the Greek

  4. Lot_49

    One of them woulda made a great FLOTUS, in the opinion of her husband. The other is a great FLOTUS in the opinion of everybody who counts.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      Yeah, I'm sure Ann would have been a great FLOTRH (FLOT Romney Household).

      She made it quite clear that she didn't care if we didn't want her to be the FLOTPC (First Lady of the Peasant Class).

  5. Jus_Wonderin

    Okay, if that is the title sequence for The Brady Bunch 2012…I might watch. But, where is that wacky maid, Alice?

  6. Lucidamente1


    When you look at Egg Romney, the male body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.

      1. Baconzgood

        In the porky flesh. I'm at a new company so I have to look productive for a year or two until they put me on outside sales. I miss my 5 weeks vacation, drinking durring lunch but most of all snarking on Wonkette.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I'm sure you are working the Baldar plan—really bust ass for a couple of years and impress the shit out of everyone, then rest on you laurels 4evah.

          1. Baconzgood


            I can't wait to get out on out side sales again but the company wants to keep me on a leash because there are allota industrial spies in my industry. Believe it or not, there is a shit load of $$$$$$ deli slicers and grocery store cases. ALLLLLLOTAAAAA $$$$$$$!

          2. njstore

            Man, if I could help you get back here quicker, I would. But it is not my industry. You are missed. Your stories are the best. Open share day on Wonkette ate the best. Keep on keeping on.

          1. Baconzgood

            Hugs Back MITT!!! You know I was stressed about going out of my pond into another one. These people are nice…..TOOO nice. I don't know who I'll put a dead lizard into their lunch bag. This is strange after working with a "corporate enviorment" for the last 15 years. It WAS really cut throat and "office politics" now I work with a Ma and Pa place (and make 20% more each pay check). Who to I have to give the smack down to?

          2. MittBorg

            I know. TOLD youse they were gonna totes love you! I am so fucking happy for you, man. You're getting what you needed and wanted and deserved!

            Sorry, I just gotta hug you again. (HUG SQUEEZE) Yeah. That's better!

            Give the smackdown to the RWNJs online. But first, drink DEEP of their TEARS!

  7. Goonemeritus

    I think it is time we start ignoring all things Romney. I think we Democrats owe him our heartfelt thanks for running such an awful campaign. When you consider how truly uninformed the American electorate is you can't in good continuous give us credit for choosing correctly. Without Mitt's constant waffling, obfuscation and plutocratic high jinxs it might have turned out differently. I for one wish Mitt a happy retirement and sincerely thank him for his 6 years of work towards electing a black guy.

    1. James Michael Curley

      Working my Ward for election day is getting to be a real downer. When the polls were closed in one district a thirty something bimbo showed up twenty minutes late and wanted to get in to vote. When I told her the polls were closed at 8:00 PM I heard how as she was not being permitted to vote "This is an unfair election." She related that the storm chaos made transportation out of the NYC bus terminals a 'nightmare' and how 'that Obama' should make an exception for that.

      Meanwhile I asked her; 'The traffic was heavy but you still stopped off at home to change your clothes?' She asked how I would know that and I told her she was made up for mid-Manhattan mid management but she was wearing a pair of frayed jeans, old coat and wet weather boots. Now it seemed to become 'That Obama' now runs unfair elections which require her to ruin her best work clothes.

      1. miss_grundy

        How can you ruin your work clothes by voting in New York? You no longer have the old voting machines, the ones that you pulled the lever to close the curtain behind you. Don't you guys have the punch cards or the video screen machines now? Even if she left work at 6:00 PM or 7:00 PM, she would have had enough time to get in line.

        1. James Michael Curley

          I’m in NJ. This woman certainly appeared to have came home from NYC, changed and then went out to the polls so her claim that the delay was caused by crowding at the PA was bogus.Met a few other BS spewers during the day like a ‘challenger’ who said her Primary Badge was good for the General election and was asking people their party affiliation before they went into the voting machine. Challengers can ask the polling location ‘judge’ to inquire about perceived irregularities. After I touched off that discussion, I left when this Republican Challenger was saying it was her constitutional right granted by her going to the ‘school’ to challenge and that included knowing which party the voter belonged too. Now in a party primary state like NJ during the primary a voter has to declare his party affiliation before he votes so he doesn’t cross party lines. This women was at first insanely partisan, second badly misinformed and third a hack of the local Republican Party Chairwoman who is seriously deranged as to what ‘values’ are.Most NJ counties made an investment a decade ago in machines which have a plastic overlay which is printed and placed over a panel of touch sensitive button cells. When pressed they show a green X to the right of the candidate’s name. The advantage, when necessary as during the electric outages in NJ, is that they have a sixteen hour battery pack and can run the entire time of the polling on the battery pack.

    1. MissTaken

      She looked like a very poised young lady. She was wearing flats unlike Michelle so I think she's even taller than her mom now.

          1. MittBorg

            Pathetic, innit? They've got some kinda charisma gene or something. Cynical, hard-headed, skeptical me who laughs at human foibles in all including myself. I get totally amorphously melty in their presence. Disgusting. (Gathers cells together) You'd think I was descended from an amoeba, or something.

    2. Fare la Volpe

      Both of the Obama girls are going to become beautiful young women. And from what I hear in interviews with her parents they are whip sharp. Everything about that family leaves me in awe.

    3. Geminisunmars

      It appeared to me that Sasha said something to her Pa, like "turn around and wave at the peeps behind us" and the whole family did. I don't know why I found that so endearing. Breathtaking beautiful family. I remember at his first inauguration all of the wonketteers were ooohhing and aahhhing over our new family.

        1. HELisforHEL

          I totally love this statement. Yes, I'm still all happy-dappy , and only one Concanon in, so I'm just being a little mushy. All y'all and this site have been keeping me sane since forever.

    4. Rotundo_

      With the genetic make up, and the parenting of these two kids, how could they be anything but beautiful and brilliant young ladies. We are going to see some great things from them. Not necessarily in the realm of politics, but somewhere, somehow, they will make the world a better place in their own ways.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    "You laugh, but have you ever tried masturbating with a jeweler's screwdriver while your husband is saying 'Lie still and think of Nauvoo' over and over again? This is hard."

    1. Anne_Athema

      Damn! Dick jokes rule here! Last I mentioned that Dr. Jill sez OHJ haz a nuclear weapon in his pants, big points. Now, dribs & drabs to the true death.

  9. GregComlish

    The worst thing about having a black president is that the big penis/small penis jokes never stop. I hope, however vainly, that people stop stereotyping penis size on the basis of race. I hope they just drop the penis talk entirely. It's shallow, racist, poorly informed, and it reduces the value of a human being down to an arbitrary superficial measure.

        1. Baconzgood

          BOOBBIE BUTT SEX? OMG!!!!!! This is something like the combustion engine! Engineer it and I can sell it! This is too important and we can change humanity more than Nicolaus Copernicus or Jesus! Work on it and I'll get the independent trucker's distribution system in place.

    1. gullywompr

      Yes, it is a distraction from the important issues of the day, and demeans the office. But don't worry, someday we'll have another white president, and all the "big dick" jokes will stop.

        1. GregComlish

          I want to hear funny original things, not stale jokes that been rehashed millions of times.

          Why can't people invent new, original ways to attack Romney's penis? Maybe they could joke about how Romney's penis smells like Febreze on account of his Mormon wife's tidiness. Don't you think that would be a nice change of pace?

          1. redarmyzombie

            Ugh, discounting the fact that I'm gay, I couldn't even *imagine* slipping my manhood into that frigid icebox…

          2. redarmyzombie

            This explains many things. Not all of them, granted, but a lot of them nonetheless.

            Maybe he wanted that war with Iran just to get out of his husbandly obligations to Ann, if you catch my drift…

          3. MittBorg

            We'll never have to see their faces again, sweetie. We'll never have to listen to Ann saying "you people," as if she were speaking about leprosy. All the money in the world, all the lies and the shenanigans, couldn't buy them the Presidency. Today my faith in democracy is renewed. (Hugs you close)

          4. redarmyzombie

            (hugs you back) I certainly hope so. Unfortunately, they do strike me as one of those recurring Doctor Who villains; you beat them, but they'll always be lurking somewhere…

            On the other hand, this *was* the best chance they've had, and I can't see them coming anywhere near it ever again. (Likewise, I loved that link you had of Limbaugh admitting he was irrelevant. Such sweet, sweet music…)

          5. Negropolis

            I want to hear funny original things, not stale jokes that been rehashed millions of times.

            That's what she said/all of them, Katie/no one has lost any.

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      If you're going to make that point without being mocked, you have to bring a shiv. Which is something I obviously know about, since I have a big, swinging dick.

    3. TootsStansbury

      Oh and the Capitalists and the Meeeeedia (I'm watching PBS) are already punishing us for having the audacity to re-elect the Prez. Let us at least enjoy 24 hours. Let us gather the dick jokes while we may because we're in for 'punishment'.

      1. gullywompr

        Indeed. There's a time to cast away dick jokes, and a time to gather dick jokes together. To everything, turn, turn, turn.

    4. Negropolis

      You'll pry my snark about my huge, black penis from my warm, furious hands.

      Give me immature dick jokes on Wonkette or give me death! My campaign will not be dictated by snark-checkers!

  10. Lot_49

    OT, but Larry Craig takes strong objection to Tammy Baldwin's claim to being the first openly gay senator, or at least wants an asterisk on it.

    [Kudos to Princess Sparklepony, who pointed this out first.]

    1. JohnnyQuick

      But if Chris Christie becomes a Senator, he'll challenge Larry's claim to have a natural "wide stance."

  11. Mahousu

    In case anyone was wondering, the Chinese text is making the obvious joke: "The difference between Obama and Romney is …"

    1. njstore

      Hén. 恨
      I somehow lost 19 p points from yesterday. You know what? Fuck you ID or who ever. Like I care. I know who is and what is important. You do not. MB I am flaming out here.

  12. JohnnyQuick

    Slightly Off-Topic: Is Krysten Sinema the hottest Democrat ever? I clicked on a thank-you email from her and realized I must've not seen her picture before sending her dough.

    (Sidenote: Is it sexist for me to point this out? I pledge not to fap… kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk)

      1. JohnnyQuick

        Well, in her defense, she is in Arizona. Literally, in her defense. I mean her life is in danger.

        Fuck. Now I'm depressed.

    1. Lot_49

      It's sexist if Dem does it. When McCain picked Palin it was purely because of her towering intellect and deep experience.

    2. Blueb4sinrise

      Hmmmm, I had previously vowed to never return to the Phoenis area………but……..
      Also, since I'm not in her district, I will fap for you.

  13. BadKitty904

    Last night's results and the concomitant ceremonies clearly illustrated the diff between having a big dick and being a big dick.

  14. fuflans

    i want more butthurt stories but i'm too lazy to look for them.

    you people have been a veritable fount of fun today. i even broke my own rules and posted a bunch on fb thereby alienating maybe .001% of my 'friends'.

    1. BadKitty904

      Well, here's two lil' headlines from today for your delectation:

      "Californians Approve Massive Tax Hike on the Wealthy"

      "Texas Democrats End GOP House Supermajority"

      Last night seems to have been something of a national upchuck…

      1. MittBorg

        CA now has a Democratic supermajority in the house, rendering the Republicans utterly powerless. We can now bypass those obstructionist smegmoids and get some useful shit done here. Thankyewjeefuckingbus.

  15. DahBoner

    Obama's Mother-in-Law says Obama's dick is soooooooooooo big, Michelle be down there every morning cooking it breakfast…

      1. C_R_Eature

        That last one I heard live, on the radio and I almost ran right off the road I was laughing so hard. It was a perfect set-up and I think of it fondly.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Whoever that was,they planned and executed it perfectly. I was totally sandbagged, along with everyone else.

  16. BlueStateLibel

    OT: but if you have a few minutes, this series of election night photos from The Atlantic is fantastic. Many are very moving, but I especially loved the Repub frat boys looking like daddy just took their allowance away: http://tinyurl.com/afexnfx

    1. BadKitty904

      That's very interesting. I was especially struck by a.) the youth of Obama's supporters, and b.) their multiculturalness.

      1. finallyhappy

        watching the speech- twice -so i got different views- the audience was diverse in many ways-old people- we supported Obama too!

        1. BadKitty904

          Oh, absoLUTEly *no* sort of doubt about that at all whatsoever! :0)

          I actually meant "in comparison to the Rmoney supporters shown"…

  17. BaldarTFlagass

    Just got home from the local watering hole, where I went to gloat and do a victory lap and rub all my RW buddies noses in it. Man are they bummed out. I can't wait to tell my real estate racist guy who called it Landslide for Romney that at least he got the landslide part right.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    OK, so I finally figured out how to look at comments on Wonkette on my BBerry today (take it out of mobile mode and click on "original" at bottom of page). The comments section shows up in that "old fashioned" format where a lot of avatars are squiggly monsters, the post times are shown as actual times rather than "5 minutes ago", you can't upfist anybody, and you have to enter your boardname and email address each time you want to make a comment. I struggled through the process several times (big fingers and tiny tiny keyboard), and the comments eventually showed up, but now when I get home not a single one of them show up on my intense debate page. what the fuck is up with that?

    1. Geminisunmars

      I found on my iPad that if I try to respond to responses that show up in my email, that they go off to the ether.

    2. ttommyunger

      I have yet to be able to post a comment from my iphone 4S. Prolly just me, being dumb and all….

        1. ttommyunger

          I replaced the standard “sent from my iphone” with that signature to indicate that I am not sitting on my ass at the 'puter, but out and about. Silly, I know, but that's just me.

          1. ttommyunger

            Happily, I don't give a fuck. Don't want or need a job, got free healthcare for life (VA Disabled). Have a small but adequate income I can't outlive, no debt. My secrets are hardly something to guard carefully since I freely admit to being a Gold Plated Asshole to friends, family and strangers alike. I am the most independent sonufabitch on the Planet. Plus, they need all the help they can get: most days they couldn't find a bale of hay in a telephone booth.

  19. James Michael Curley

    For the first time since 10/28 we got electricity! I feel like the time gramps first got toliet paper for the two holer.

      1. njstore

        MB. I am flaming out here. But really glad JMC is back. But we have not heard from TriBeCa Mike yet. Anyone?

        1. MittBorg

          Now that you mention it, I haven't seen nor heard hide nor hair. (Hugs you)

          I just remembered that ID gives you pee and then reduces it quite abruptly and then slowly lets you build it back up. Fuck pee, anywho. Some of the nicest people at Wonketz have not much pee at all.

          1. njstore

            You are a sweetie. Hugs back.
            Mr NJ store is the nicest person, next to you, and he loved Dale too and is holding me tight. Pet the kitties for me.

          2. MittBorg

            I plan to torment them by offering them some ice cream while we're watching a movie. The greedy little bastids just *love* the stuff until it hits their cold sensors. Then they do that "I rly hate you human" thing while shaking their little heads.

            Mean, huh? You tell Mr. NJStore to give you extra hugs and rock you gently till you feel better. And give him a hug for me too. Take care, sweetie.

          3. MittBorg

            See? You don't have much pee, and you're one of the nicest people here. (Hugs you) Don't. Suffer, that is. Before you know it, you'll have way too much p-ness and be advising new young Wonketteerz about how bad it was in the old days.

            Also, too, I haz roof-rats. Or perhaps only one roof-rat. This is new for me. In the 30-some years I've lived here, this house has always sported sufficient felines to keep enterprising rodent life far away. All the p-ness in the world doesn't make up for fucking roof rats, lemme tellya.

          4. FeloniousMonk

            Aww. (Turns away and furiously rearranges things on desk to hide blushes.) Have you tried voting the rats out? Seems to have worked recently.

          5. MittBorg

            We're trying to vote them out with bad rap music played on a very cheap transistor radio, on the theory that, as a native species, they're shy and retiring, unlike their Rattus norwegicus cousins. Personally, I'm beginning to doubt this theory. Fuckers don't seem too shy to set up a godawful racket at 3 am and what do you suppose they're doing then, nothing that can see the light of day, that's what. Fucking, like as not. Fuckers.

            We'll see if the experiment works tomorrow morning as we reel, red-eyed, from our bed. (We don't expect to get any sleep with that music blaring, you see.)

  20. ttommyunger

    Ha, ha. Guys, if you've ever had a woman tell you size doesn't matter; you have a really small dick. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    1. redarmyzombie

      And if they tell you it's not the size, it's how you use it, you *may* want to do a little self-reflection there…

      1. ttommyunger

        Or how about, your dick is just the right size, for my mouth. Or, the nice thing about your dick is that it will fit anywhere. I admit nothing!

    2. tessiee

      Size *doesn't* matter.
      OK, if it's smaller than a glue stick, or bigger than a soda can — then yes, that's most likely problematic.
      But 99% of the time, size doesn't matter. My gyn says the average ladypart is about 6 inches, 7 tops, so more than that is wasted.

      1. ttommyunger

        I didn't say it doesn't, I was only making reference to those that heard that comment in real time. I promise you I am not making personal references. I am only average, at best, in most areas.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      They should have shut the thread down after the very first comment.

      Tweet from Alec Baldwin :
      You know your party is in trouble when people ask, "did the rape guy win", and you have to ask, "which one?"

    1. James Michael Curley

      I thought you were talking about Chris Crisco. As I worked on Sandy recovery came across some of the more strident Republican ops in the local area. One was livid that Christie would compliment Obama during their joint appearances in NJ. Meanwhile one of my elected Democratic officials said he was privy to the process and Christie's staff was begging to be taken along. Then, as the radio reports detailed, Obama was quite conciliatory and implied 'of course we would let Governor Giant Flotation Device attend with us.'

      In summary, FEMA's response, the Department of Homeland Security and other Federal Agencies were very good at providing ice, water, MRE's and helping out with properly securing shelters and warming stations. It may have taken a few days to get stuff to the local level, but it was far better than Katrina where there were trucks of ice and water driving around endlessly because the 'direction for need' matrix was so bad.

      Near me we have a seven block area which will be condemned by FEMA containing 8 to 10 homes per block.

      The Boardwalk on many NJ beaches (including mine) is destroyed). I couldn't get near the Stone Pony but I understand it took damage. When electricity is fully restored (we're supposed to take it easy, no high amp luxury devices) I plan to erase "4TH OF JULY, ASBURY PARK (SANDY)" from all my devices.

      "Sandy, the angels have lost their desire for us,
      I spoke to 'em just last night and they said they won't set themselves on fire for us anymore …"

  21. tessiee

    Egg reminds me of what my Dad said about my former mother in law: "When she smiles, she looks like it hurts".

    1. BadKitty904

      "Your smile is like a crack in the walls of Hell. One can smell the brimstone, and hear the cries of the damned in your smile."

      ~ Tom Ballard

  22. Anne_Athema

    Herp Derp!! There is a huge god-damn difference in genuine vs. non-genuine smiles, so I GUARANTEE that Michelle is the rill gard-dang thang. Somadahumadah!!!!!

  23. ElPinche

    I'll take the Michelle Oh Oh ribbed, XL sized. Well, I pull it over my scrotum for extra protection.

  24. IonaTrailer

    Ahhhhhhh – the schaden is freudening nicely.

    And btw, Obama's dick is so big, NASA has to launch a space shuttle just to measure it.

  25. AKHottie

    Again I arrive too late for meaningful comment. So I guess big dick comments have already been made? Including NASA comments? And Biden big stick comments? Sux to be me.

  26. BadKitty904

    Here's a delightful way to start your day:

    "Many of the lightning bolts were aimed at none other than Karl Rove, the former Bush administration political genius who oversaw the deployment of nearly $400 million in campaign spending through outside groups American Crossroads and Crossroads GPS toward the presidential race and toward numerous Senate and House races.

    "The billionaire donors I hear are livid," one Republican operative told The Huffington Post. "There is some holy hell to pay. Karl Rove has a lot of explaining to do … I don't know how you tell your donors that we spent $390 million and got nothing."

    Rove even suffered the indignity of being insulted on Twitter by the blustery Donald Trump, who had attended Romney's election night party here on Tuesday night, but left early after it was clear that Obama had won a second term.

    "Congrats to @KarlRove on blowing $400 million this cycle. Every race @CrossroadsGPS ran ads in, the Republicans lost. What a waste of money," Trump tweeted, inaccurately."

    The full story on Repug breast-beating and infighting at: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/07/republic

  27. owhatever

    Bye, Egg. I'll miss you. Now you can concentrate on which mansion to live in this month and ride peacefully into the sunset on that loser of yours. I mean Rafalca, not your husband.

Comments are closed.