GAME OVER MAN! GAME OVER!!  12:51 pm November 8, 2012

NRO Has Smart Plan To Save America: Raze The Universities & Re-Educate All People In Glasses

by Doktor Zoom

butthurt much, guys?Some people simply do not handle losing very well. Unable to accept that the electoral system in their beloved Constitution could possibly allow those other people to win, they suggest that maybe we need a revolution, or that America died and God’s wrath is at hand, or that maybe rassenfracken pimps whores welfare brats makin’ us just dang ol’ soulless spiritual suicide, man, tellyawhut man, dang ol’ shiiiiiiit. (Also, thanks for the pageviews, Reddit!)

The grownups in the spurned party, on the other hand, faced the day after the election by asking themselves the Hard Questions, like “what aspects of our agenda may have proven unpopular with the electorate?” or “how might we best adjust our message to meet a changing electoral landscape?” Or, if they’re the NRO’s David Gelertner, they might ask, “Where did all these degenerate communist morans come from? Must be the colleges! They’re full of radicals! Let’s root out the colleges!”

Mr. Gelertner recognizes that, whatever that socialist America-hater in the White House says about being “more than a collection of red states and blue states,” we really are in the midst of a “slow-motion civil war.” Except unlike crazy liberals who think it’s time to cut the former Confederacy loose, Gelertner says that

The blue states want to secede not from America but from Americanism. They reject the American republic of God-fearing individuals in favor of the European ideal, which has only been government by aristocracy: either an aristocracy of birth or, nowadays, of ruling know-it-alls — of post-religious, globalist intellectuals (a.k.a. PORGIs).

(He lets it go without saying that, at the top, there’s a Black Elite Stalinist Socialist.)

So how did we reach this sorry state of affairs on our national Catfish Row?

As I’ve said before — many others have too — you can’t graduate class after class after class of left-indoctrinated ignoramuses without paying the price. Last night was a down payment.

Yes. It is a science fact that only people who have gone to college become libruls. That there is some top-notch GOP-approved critical thinking. But be not afraid, America! There is still hope!

But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before. We’ll do it again — if we face up to the fact that we need to replace our schools and colleges now; the grace period has lasted a generation, but it’s over. I know we can do it and I’m pretty sure we will do it. Americanism is too strong and brilliant and young to die.

Sounds like a pretty simple solution, then. All we need to do to extirpate liberalism once and for all is to completely replace all of the educational institutions in the entire nation with a system that is more in line with what David Gelertner likes. We can probably do that with no new taxes, too — we bet the American Enterprise Institute would fund the whole deal. And there are already some terrific textbooks available!

[NRO]

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{ 297 comments }

dr_giraud November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Send the libruls to reedumacation camps!

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

…"we don't need no fancy book learnin!!!"

Lot_49 November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

FEMA to the front again!

PubOption November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Is Gelertner a Maoist?

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 4:03 pm

As an idiotic authoritarian he has a lot in common with Maoists. After all, Mao was violently opposed to environmentalism (he framed it as a battle between industry and nature and declared industry MUST win). Mao was also opposed to women's rights, pornography and demanded Chinese people live 'Spartan' lifestyles. In short this idiot socially is VERY Maoist…economically since wingnuts are authoritarian there too it's a bit like a privatized version of communism where corporate bosses and associations control everything and essentially own their employees. Like I've said before…the choice between laissez faire capitalism and Communism at the end of the day is which rich man do you want owning your ass while claiming you have 'liberty'?

Gleem McShineys November 8, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Duh, no! Cuz that Mao guy was BAD! We ar gud!!! WOLVAREEENZZ

GunToting[Redacted] November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I see no way this plan can fail!

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I can. People who fap go blind, ergo, people who fap need glasses.

FReepers fap a lot.

Ergo….

Shypixel November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Somebody hand that guy a dictionary. He seems confused about what ignoramus means…

Shypixel November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Alternately: Just hand him a mirror.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Except the good schools; you know, Liberty U and Bob Jones U.

Those can stay.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

And Anal Roberts U, up in Oklahoma!

DustyBowlBlues November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

You beat me to ORU.

JustPixelz November 8, 2012 at 1:11 pm

What about Beck U?

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

No love for Wossamotta U?

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Isn't that the one up in Frostbit Balls, Minnesota?

DustyBowlBlues November 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

And all those "Bible Collegesl" located near freeway exits.

GunToting[Redacted] November 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I see plenty of open positions at Lowe Tech.

whatever_dc November 8, 2012 at 2:05 pm

those aren't schools — they are madrassas!

imissopus November 8, 2012 at 4:15 pm

And Regent University. Pat Robertson is most displeased.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Doesn't Queen Elizabeth II have some of those PORGI dogs as pets?

LesBontemps November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Eggzackly. Euro-peein' sociamalism!

UnholyMoses November 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

The ones without the tails, too!

(We have one as well, and … well, he ain't that bright. He's 5 years old, and we've had him for 7 months now, and he is STILL not completely house trained. Had dogs my whole life and have never seen anything like it, to be honest. Just … stupid as fuck. So it's a good thing he's crazy cute and totally sweet.)

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

TIREBITER LIBEL!!!!!!

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

One Porgi, one Bess?

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Uh, there is one party that wants America to be ruled by an actual aristocracy, an aristocracy of birth where those born to riches control the rest of us, but it's the one that nominated an actual aristocratic billionaire for President.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 8, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Shhh….don't tell them, they like to pretend people like Lord Romney, Lord Ryan and an actual lord…Bustanni (oh wait, that moron got conned hahah) are really the "common" populists and Barack Obama is an "elitist"

Biel_ze_Bubba November 8, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Not to mention the Bush royal family. Heck, they're so European-ish, they generated an idiot within only two generations.

Ryan November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

We can blame Romney. We can blame ourselves. Or we can blame America.

Fucking America! Boo!

bureaucrap November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Room 101 for Everyone! YAY!!!!

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Oh, rats!

BumbleKid November 8, 2012 at 1:24 pm

[shudder]

Steverino247 November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

DO IT TO AMERICA! NOT ROMNEY!!!

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before. "

Actually, the side which your ideology represents actually lost that little fracas.

MissTaken November 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

States' Rights! Uh, what?

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

the south shall rise agin!!! or not.

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

So yeasty!

bikerlaureate November 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

The plural "wars" is interesting.

I wonder if hemp is legal in Gelertner's world…

Gleem McShineys November 8, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Maybe he counts the War on Christmas?

alteredimages November 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Correct. WE won the Civil War. And saying they want another? Sedition.

Generation[redacted] November 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Everyone knows Robert E Lee was a flaming liberal, and Lincoln was a Republican!

manarchist November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

So if the blue states secede from Americanism, will the remaining red states be know as the United States of Americanism?

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Shouldn't they go back to their old name of The Confederate Traitor States of America?

WhatTheHeck November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

It could be rebadged as “The Baible Belt of Americanism.”

gullywompr November 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

WTF is an "Americanism", anyway?

not that Dewey November 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

NASCAR, KFC Double Downs, Lunchables, The Learning Channel, stretch-Humvee limos, etc

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

The party that brought us Bush I and always worse sequel Bush II want to put the "aristocracy of birth" bullshit on who now? Yes, no more college, we've got history to revise.

Schmannnity November 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Ah the Bushes, of Andover, Yale, and Harvard.

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

The sequels are always worse, aren't they?

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Someone is forgetting a few films like Aliens and The Empire Strikes Back.

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Exceptions that prove the rule, am I right?

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

There's also Godfather II, Batman Returns, X-Men II, Spider-Man II, The Dark Knight – actually it seems very common with superhero films, probably because they don't have to deal with the pesky origin stories. Hell The Avengers is sort of a sequel to four different movies.

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

EmpireStrikesBack was the only one I could think of, honestly. I do like that one the best of all.

prommie November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Is that the one where Spock dies?

Kidding, kidding, I keeed

Generation[redacted] November 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

PORGIs was a classic. PORGIs II: The Next Day was just the studio trying to cash in.

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm

It gave final closure to all those unanswered questions from P1

GunToting[Redacted] November 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Ah, yes… Bush II: The Temple of Dumb.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Those damned colleges like to teach young people heresies like science and critical thinking! We must replace them with propaganda mills that fill everyone's heads with the mythology the right-wing wants everyone to believe instead of those horrible facts.

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Just look at how well believing the right wing propaganda about Mitt's inevitability worked out for them. Crying like bitches is no way to live.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Oh but it's great for the rest of us to watch. That's what happens when you start believing your own bullshit lies, wingnuts; sucks to be you!

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm

It's just about the greatest thing in all of this, except for the them losing part. Being losers and not understanding how Brit Hume could be so wrong…just so great.

PsycWench November 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Yay! Instead of working on developing PowerPoint presentations that support the lecture material and are embedded with relevant video, I can just copy and paste "God Did It" on about 30 slides. And I can use the presentation in any class! It should go over very well in neuroscience.

BarackMyWorld November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Maybe they can go live on Mitt's planet when they die?

Beowoof November 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Wish they could go now. But that would mean learning some science.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Do you mean on Kolob, or Mitt's personal planet (which I expect is the size of his house in La Jolla)?

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

It's not really a planet – well, it is, but it's exactly on the other side of the sun, and everything there works wardsback……

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Shorter NRO: College makes people dumber!

Swampgas_Man November 8, 2012 at 3:21 pm

And we need to make them dumber STILL!

LastGasp November 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

"we need to replace our schools and colleges now "

Yes, this is just what the Taliban did in Afghanistan, and for pretty much the same reasons.

Lascauxcaveman November 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

At least they're finally admitting the Liberals are the more-educated ones.

PsycWench November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Nothing says 47% like a 4-year college degree.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm

And the ensuing debt.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

The blue states want to secede not from America but from Americanism. They reject the American republic of God-fearing individuals in favor of the European ideal, which has only been government by aristocracy

Aren't they the ones begging the Queen to rule them? Since the aristocracy maintains that it rules by god's blessings, what is the difference?

I personally despise the aristocracy.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Just for the record and so they'll know where to find me – I've never been an Americanist. I wasn't born one, never pledged to be one, didn't grow up to find myself one. I'm proud not to be an Americanist….I never liked their Norman Rockwell like smugness….

SigDeFlyinMonky November 8, 2012 at 2:11 pm

We call it… The Aristocrats!

freakishlywrong November 8, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Are these the FEMA camps we've heard so much about?

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

if we face up to the fact that we need to replace our schools and colleges now

Replace them with what? FOX-blaring Jumbotrons? (FOX U.)

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Telescreens!

bikerlaureate November 8, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"Smith!" screamed the shrewish voice from the telescreen. "6079 Smith W.! Yes, YOU! Bend lower, please! You can do better than that. You're not trying. Lower, please! THAT'S better, comrade. Now stand at ease, the whole squad, and watch me."

boobookitteh November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

It's almost like learning things (eg 'facts' and 'history' and 'math') and having critical thinking skills makes you not entirely susceptible to lies, distortion and bigotry.

Huh.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Well, on the other hand, maybe we should just get rid of all these home-schools.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I agree. That's a big part of why our kidz is not learning.

DahBoner November 8, 2012 at 3:08 pm

No! Keeps the bullshit out of Public Schools…

Hammiepants November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

The level of hysteria amongst the right at this moment is awe-inspiring. I mean, the Republic survived the last four years of the Muslin Halfrican, it will survive another four. But their own party won't unless they start looking at some home truths about this country. Sadly, Republican cats and kittens, 1953 is gone forever. Pull yourself up by your legendary bootstraps and move the fuck forward. If you can.

freakishlywrong November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

When the usurper is impeached/resigns, they will find their mojo. Till then, they'll just make us miserable. It's what they do.

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

If only they'd bring back "The Beverly Hillbillies" to give them something to do.

DCBloom November 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm

They can't. But no worries, they will all be dead in an election or two.

Lot_49 November 8, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I'm sure the Whig Party went through this same agonizing reappraisal before its demise. Seems they couldn't decide whether or not support expansion of slavery into the territories. Pro-slavery won; the party died.

A lesson?

Gleem McShineys November 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm

A lesson?

Oh, I know this one! Laugh at them while you can!

Fox n Fiends November 8, 2012 at 1:28 pm

We need the 1953 tax rates back though, immediately.

valthemus November 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

"Sadly, Republican cats and kittens, *1853* is gone forever."

Fixed.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

They're melting! They're melting!…..

prommie November 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Not only is 1953 gone, it never was what they think it was. Except for the apartheid and Jim Crow, really its only the institutional racism thats changed since then.

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

I majored in lies from the pit of hell. It has served me well in my post academic career.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 1:01 pm

As a Republican PR flack?

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Lies straight from the pit of hell is what they teach at schools.

bikerlaureate November 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

That sounds more authoritative than "lies originally from the pit of hell".

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I think he got it.

Schmannnity November 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Advertising?

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Thank you for remembering to sound the Broun note.

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Somebody got it. Sometimes I can be a little too obscure. Even for myself.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Well, me, I'm still sitting next to William Blake on that nice bank overlooking the river – it's much nicer after that guy in black left….

Beowoof November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Working at a state school I can say that there are lots of hard core republicans on the faculty here. (People who regularly vote against their own interests and are reluctant union members). They walking around yelling about all those liberals on campus and engaging in all sorts of political activity at work, that I as a liberal would never consider. I always think if I teach students how to think, how to discern between competing arguments, they will make the right choices. Many of my adult students will come back and tell me that when they started to really look at the things the republicans were telling them, the lack of reason was apparent. Feel good job sometimes.

Goonemeritus November 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

You are making the world a little less dickish one pliable mind at a time. And for the record when people tell me that taxes in NY are too high I always counter with SUNY.

Geminisunmars November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Keep on keepingon, Beowoof. We need your good works to continue.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Obstructionist!….

mbatch November 8, 2012 at 4:36 pm

On the other hand the wingnut faculty members were always the ones who made the faculty senate meetings so entertaining. Of course, in Texas they were closer to the majority.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 12:59 pm

We could replace the universities with Brawndo distilleries.

Blueb4sinrise November 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

It's what people with plant-brains crave.

LesBontemps November 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Electrolytes for all!

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 1:27 pm

Or fuck it, how 'bout a giant Costco?

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Too liberal. Maybe giant Sam's Club.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:54 pm

I've never been able to find their Education Aisle….

Generation[redacted] November 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

The students could grab a burger at Buttfuckers and stop at Starbucks for a hand job on their way to class.

GortRay November 8, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Yeah, this Gelertner guy thinks "Idiocracy" is a documentary.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Kinda like that Obama 2016 documentary movie fapfest.

MLHencken November 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

So, this dipshit has never bothered to check and see how many prominent Republicans have gone to Harvard and Yale.

Someone send this fucktard a copy of Buckley's "God and Man at Yale" so he can masturbate himself furiously to sleep.

Woodshedding November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I think he just forgot to say that those whose Daddies bought their admission are exempt.

SexySmurf November 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before.

Civil wars? Plural? Let's get rid of the history departments first.

MosesInvests November 8, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Was this guy in the Khmer Rouge?

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

…damn beat me to it!

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Same here, dammit!

weejee November 8, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Perhaps. Maybe that's why he was one of the Unibomber's near misses.

Lot_49 November 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

In his dreams, maybe. Year Zero!

Indiepalin November 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Replace the colleges? Great. We can start by eliminating that hotbed of academia, the Southeastern Conference.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Oh noes! What football teams will I root for?

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Notre Dame

None of them, Katie.

HRH_Maddie November 8, 2012 at 1:02 pm

FUN FACT: The author, David Gelernter, received his Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts degrees in classical Hebrew literature from Yale University in 1976 and his Ph.D. from S.U.N.Y. Stony Brook in 1982.

The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one.

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

not all whores are in the sex trades

elviouslyqueer November 8, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Yes, but he was likely taught by Olds, and not these young pansy theoretically-minded librul whippersnappers.

PsycWench November 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

And he was injured by the Unibomber, who targeted places of higher learning.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Was he really? Maybe he just has PTSD.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

DAMMIT! Too slow…

jaytingle November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Unabomber. Maybe that's why Gelernter resents institutions of higher learning.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Edumakashun for me, but not for thee.

actor212 November 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

You missed the big deal.

He was injured in a Unaboming.

That's right: the UNABOMER saw him as an intellectual elitist!

Too, it might explain why he suddenly started writing for Commentary and the Weekly Standard. I'm guessing chunks of his brain were left all over his mailbox.

Of votes, I mean

Also, too, he wears glasses.

jaytingle November 8, 2012 at 2:10 pm

He lost at least a finger, and the glasses are probably different than those he wore before he opened the letter bomb. His brain hasn't changed much.

editor November 8, 2012 at 4:33 pm

here's another fun fact: "gelernter" is german for trained, skilled, qualified.

finallyhappy November 8, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Another bad Jew- along with Adelson and the Koch brothers and Eric Cantor. Since we Jews are guilt ridden- or I am – I apologize for these shit heads. And his advanced education proves that advanced education plus the Unabomber(NOT a Jew) can screw you up.

horsedreamer_1 November 8, 2012 at 8:58 pm

Koch Brothers are Jewish? Does that make younger, (comparatively) apolitical bro Billy the first Jewish yachtsman?

swordfis November 9, 2012 at 7:09 am

The Koch bros are not Jewish. I would go so far as to say that neither Cantor nor Adelson are actual Jews, in that they seem to have missed the part where the Torah talks about justice, compassion and healing the world. However, if I remember correctly, there was always one dipshit in Hebrew school class who was destined to grow up Republican.

finallyhappy November 9, 2012 at 7:49 am

You are correct- I checked and I guess my original info came from a bad internet source- or just something someone posted somewhere. I think we have to accept that bad people can be Jews too- we can't just take credit for the good ones(NATE! says he is half -Jewish). But as we secretly run the world and all media- we will start putting out reports that these guys all became Mormons. Get to work- as I remember- you run worldwide television

swordfis November 9, 2012 at 8:21 am

Nate? So is the other half Kenyan? Maybe he writes for the Kenyan Review.

Q_R_DeNameland November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I would like to post a comment here, but I have to go indoctrinate about two dozen initiates into the dogmas of muslim socialism. Or, as my syllabus would have it, "teach logic".

smokingood November 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Im off to teach them wizardry, which i believe is the new official internet title for "statistics". I, for one, approve.

Q_R_DeNameland November 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm

I bet you will teach them about homoskedasticity, so you can recruit them for the homoskedastic lifestyle.

**edit: it's one of those big words that's hard to spell. Fixed.

swordfis November 9, 2012 at 7:12 am

Boo – you made me expend effort in looking up a new word. Communist!

editor November 8, 2012 at 10:26 pm

over here it's skewing polls (methods of social research), witch craft and bra-burning (sociology of gender), and lying, crooking, thieving, murdering & perverting (social deviance) today.

also, sadly defeated kansas school board candidate jack wu, who claimed that those last 5 activities are what the public school system produces, majored in computer science ("trickery"?) at the very same public school where i teach. poe?

edgydrifter November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Keeping the American public stupid, afraid and malleable by wrecking the schools and consolidating the media has only been a limited success. The new "Gelertner Plan" calls for putting lead chips in breakfast cereal and hitting everyone on the head with a framing hammer on his or her eighteenth birthday.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I'm not sure, but I think his first name used to be "Holly"….(until the Unibomber, I mean)…

doloras November 8, 2012 at 6:18 pm

I did read a sci-fi story once where the gubmit tested everyone's IQ on their twelfth birthday and gassed them if it was too high.

kittensdontlie November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

David Gelertner was nobody until somebody(the Unabomber)loved bombed him.

scorpy1 November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Wait, the intransigent fools he represents won the Civil War? They're right, I've been brainwashed by College History, High-school History, Grade-school History and the History Channel!

SigDeFlyinMonky November 8, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Everything You Know Is Wrong.

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 1:03 pm

yes – that bastion of liberalism – the University of Nebraska-Lincoln – done turned me into a dirty hippie

gullywompr November 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Isn't it the province of each and every US American to have a say in what teh Americanismz actually are?

Callyson November 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Today, we are all PORGIs.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Hmmm. I figured you for a Bess.

LesBontemps November 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Where can I find me some Bess?

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Does that mean we get puddin'? And pie?

Woodshedding November 8, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I don't see what's wrong with his ideas. They worked well for Pol Pot, didn't they?

kyeshinka November 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Can't have an omelette without breaking some glasses.

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

If it's legitimate butthurt the body has a way to shut it down.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I think we can all agree that the last thing this country needs is intelligent people running it based upon facts and science.

It is the way of the Devil.

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I thought that was coffee.

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm

How did you know Lionel doesn't like coffee? (We're considering barring him from the greater Seattle area. In Soviet of Washington, coffee drink you.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Coffee is a good, strong, American drink.

Tea is the drink of the Devil. Why do you think it is enjoyed in Socialist/Commie countries like Russia, China and England?

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Clearly, both of you need to see "Troll 2," the best worst movie of all time. (and the companion documentary, "Best Worst Movie.") There are worse movies out there, of course. But Troll 2 is the best bad movie.

prommie November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Boomhower (Boomhauer?) Libel!

alteredimages November 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Dangit, i knew somebody beat me to it. Dang ol internet man. Clickclickclick, naked chicks.

SoBeach November 8, 2012 at 1:05 pm

But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before…

No, genius. You haven't won or preserved anything.

Your ideological forefathers, on the other hand, lost one pretty badly. As will you, if you want to try again.

ManchuCandidate November 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I just saw Rachel Maddow talking about how the Right Wing has to look within and the need to have competing FEASIBLE ideas if they don't want to be marginalized.

Judging by what I've seen so far, it is not going to go well for the Wingnuts.

alteredimages November 8, 2012 at 1:51 pm

If the GOP looks inside themselves, they'll see nothing but deep fried okra.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Those filthy colleges should stop teaching and stick to their intended roles; as adjuncts for purpose of claiming non-profit status to minor league football and basketball teams with unpaid players.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The system which best replicates Antebellum Plantation Slavery, ironically. The only Negroes Wingnut Cretins can tolerate are the ones who can handle a ball.

Goonemeritus November 8, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I encourage them to found their own parallel University system. It will greatly speed my task when I am asked to read resumes.

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

They've already got Bob Jones, Oral Roberts and Liberty Universities (sic). That's 3/12ths of a football conference.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Those damned Mooslems and their Al-ge-bras!

CrunchyKnee November 8, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Or, they can just all shout "USA USA USA" at us for four more years, that'll learn us.

SayItWithWookies November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Seems to me that the people needing a better education would be the ones who make predictions based on their wishes and not the facts — you know, like Karl Rove, Dick Morris, Sean Assity and all that bunch. Or the guy who came up with a plan to cut taxes and increase revenue that he then said wouldn't cut taxes and never explained how it would cut revenue — you know, the guy Karl Rove said would win in a landslide.

But of course — if the Chosen People make predictions that don't comport with reality, then they blame reality. I hope that works out for them.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Along with anyone who claims the universe is only about six thousand years old instead of around 13.7 billion, because some old book says so.

DahBoner November 8, 2012 at 3:04 pm

What? The earth is flat, four corners, etc…

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I know we can call it the "Great Leap Forward!"

AngryBlakGuy November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

…Pol-pot is that you?!

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Egg-fucking-sactly.

sullivanst November 8, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Oh well, guess I don't need to ask "You know who else hated education?" then.

BlueMonkeh November 8, 2012 at 1:09 pm

All this talk about PORGI. What about BESS?

CrunchyKnee November 8, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Bummertime and living aint easy…

smokefilledroommate November 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I'd rather be a PORGI than a Barely Educated Sniveling Shithead.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Reread Dok's next paragraph.

glasspusher November 8, 2012 at 1:13 pm

My triphenyl methyl experiment in college was full of radicals

MacRaith November 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm

And for his next article, Geletner is going to explain how we need to protect free speech by banning liberal speech. The one after that, he'll show us how we need to disenfranchise minorities in order to protect democracy. And for his concluding article in the series, he'll explain how we need a military coup in order to preserve Constitutional government.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Perhaps he'll go on, in his next article, to explain to us how "right is left," "slavery is freedom," "up is down," etc.

ChillBill November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

"But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before."

You "won"? Last time I checked, most Republicans lived in the South.

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 1:24 pm

As Jon Stewart said on TDS on election night, Romney took most of the Confederacy.

MissTaken November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before.

I went to college but was obviously to busy being indoctrinated with liberal bullshit to attend the class when they covered The America Civil War II – Bigger, Better, Faster, Stronger.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

It would be kind of fun though, especially if we could have a repeat of Sherman's March.

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

That is the one with Vin Diesel, right?

JustPixelz November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm

When I read that kind of flailing analysis that our colleges — which draw students and researchers from all over the world — are to blame for Romney's loss …

When I read Limbaugh and Hannity and their cohorts say Obama won because Americans voted their self-interest ("greed is bad")…

When I read that Victoria Jackson can't stop crying …

… well, winning feels good.

Loch_Nessosaur November 8, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Nate Silver is what they're really pissed off about. If it wasn't for him, Romney would have won.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

You're right. I blame Nate Silver.

glasspusher November 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Silver is golden.

Crank_Tango November 8, 2012 at 1:17 pm

…where the slums got so much soul!

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:18 pm

PORGI, BESS and Boomhauer. Nice, sly work all around, Dok!

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Thanks, Chet! On reflection, I'm unhappy with that "rassenfracken," which is decidedly un-Boomhaueresque.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Perhaps you just meant to say "ratzenfucken", which is decidedly marble-shit-mouth vintage Boomhauer, at least to my old ears….

Incitefully_Joe November 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I love how he talks about public education as inimical towards "Americanism" in the context of the Civil War.

Any student of history should be familiar with the early19th century's "American System" which focused on federal funding of infrastructure and public education in order to turn America into a competitive industrial power. It was championed by the Whigs, who became the Republicans, and opposed pretty much solely by the Southern Democrats, who became traitors, and then Republicans. And then, they redefined "Americanism" as buying into those ideas (hostility to multiculturalisim, class mobility, education, industrialization, etc) that gave rise to said treason in the first place, and then wrote this article.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Wow, I posted some slightly modified lyrics to Sam Cooke's "Wonderful World" and it was deleted by the adminstrator immediately upon hitting "submit comment."

Try again:

Don't know much about history
Don't know much biology
Don't know much about a science book
Don't know much about the French I took
Don't know much about geography
Don't know much t r i g onometry
Don't know much about algebra
Don't know what a constitution is for

But I do know that I hate you
And I know that if you hate me too
What a horrible world this do be

Guess it was the reference to that discipline with sines and cosines and tangents.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:20 pm

He really is a slow Gelearner, isn't he?

Doktor Zoom November 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Ouch. That's a weapons-grade pun, there, that is.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Um, before the Unabomber, I think his first name was "Holly"…..take that…..

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Atheist Liberal College is on high alert until the savages have been opiated with religion again.

synykyl November 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

The good folks at The NRO need to pace themselves, or they will run out of apoplectic rage and stupidity before Obama's second term has even begun ;-)

goat_thrower November 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

The word 'studying' shares too many letters with 'Stalinism' to not be a threat.

TootsStansbury November 8, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Wow. They have truely lost it. Kinda scary.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Definitely getting into the "We must destroy America in order to save it" zone. A very "Tim McVeigh" vibe…

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Yeah, I'm hoping the Secret Service has been holding refresher courses…

BlueStateLibel November 8, 2012 at 1:27 pm

As long as they don't do away with Doctor Zoom's theology classes here on Sundays – they always perturb and distrub me for the rest of the day.

On the other hand, I've no problem with doing away with those business schools that breed those rat MBAs.

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Hey -I'm a rat MBA. Granted, I'm in the public sector, so I'm not really one of the rat ones.

BaldarTFlagass November 8, 2012 at 1:30 pm

"Re-Educate All People In Glasses"

Can I help when it's time to re-educate the hot librarians?

PubOption November 8, 2012 at 1:52 pm

That would include Palin, although I don't think she was ever educated.

Baconzgood November 8, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I'm edumaced at a smart making place and I ain't thunk I is a liberal. Oh wait I am.

Fox n Fiends November 8, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Schools are bad. Learning is bad. Knowledge is dangerous. The American Taliban are bringing Sharia Law as fast as they can.

OneYieldRegular November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"When patriotism enters the world of science it should be taken by the collar like a dirty little boy and thrown out." – Fritz Reck, Munich, 1939

rickmaci November 8, 2012 at 1:31 pm

They started the culture war. We were patient, kept turning the other cheek. Until there were no more cheeks to turn. So now we are fighting back. Game on bitchezz.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Hey, I've still got a cheek – it's old and it's shrivelled, but check it out!….Me and Jesus stand buns together, but still fighting….

widestanceromance November 8, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Step 1: close all the schools
Step 2: _________
Step 3: knowledge!

DustyBowlBlues November 8, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Like Lindsay Graham (R-Closet) says, they need more angry white men. This would be a great way to produce the voters that Rs need to keep rolling their crap agenda over everyone else.

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

If only there were some way to make more old angry white men!…Now I understand all the rape enthusiasms!…No birth control! (whites!)…No abortions (whites!)….Thanks for clearing this up….

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

'MURIKA NEEDZ MOAR STOOPID PEEPLE!

Troubledog November 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Plus they had *sharp* uniforms…

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:15 pm

But it's not an "nism", so there!…

SigDeFlyinMonky November 8, 2012 at 1:35 pm

If the national leadership of the Publicans was fearful of a just God, and not so self deluded, they wouldn't try to get away with half of their bullshit. Ameicanism… in my youth I heard Dr. Stuart McBirnie's "The Voice of Americanism" on KIEV out of Glendale, CA (now KRLA 870-Salem Communications). Facts never got in his way. As a result I developed a finely tuned bullshit detector to expose self-serving delusional thinking.

Andrew Drinker November 8, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Guys, guys, I have a question.

The guy who sits in the next cubicle over at work is a really quiet awkward person with glasses from the 1990s, a moustache, and all of his polo shirts are horribly out of date. He spends all day not working and instead reading bible verses and Newsmax.

Do you think he'll go postal? I am in the next cube over, so I'm a little scared.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 1:43 pm

He won't unless you troll his ass. Start being newsmaxxxx and make up some good conspiracy theories, something about how Obama is going to force churches to perform gay marriages, something like that. Should work.

GeorgiaBurning November 8, 2012 at 1:56 pm

If he shows up in camo, leave the building fast. Not kidding.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Is it Herb Kornfeld? Do you work at Midstate Office Supply?

HarryButtle November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Be proactive. Shoot him first* (just like Han Solo).

*Oh, right. WITH VOTES.

Come here a minute November 8, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Isn't that just what you would expect a doktor to say?

Oblios_Cap November 8, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning."

punkneverdies November 8, 2012 at 1:38 pm

It's much better to be ruled by a neo-aristocracy made up of billionaire white men rather than a pack of college educated motherfuckers that think about stuff.

Thinkin about stuff. Pfeh.

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Won't someone Concern Troll for Liberals to be magnanimous in victory, and respectful of the space our fellow citizens need to Process and Accept? HAHAHAHAHA, of course not!!!!

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Snapshot from the NRO charter skool: http://blogs.e-rockford.com/applesauce/files/2012

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I thought I saw a blah kid in there, doing the Heil Hitler salute. Must be post-election hallucinations.

DustyBowlBlues November 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Our family has a sad relationship with the kid who married a Jehovah's Witness and turned into one. Their home-schooled grown son is a brainwashed zombie. He knows nothing but the twaddle they've forced on him and, of course, the JWs do not like college educations for their members, either.

That's brainwashing.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

That's really sad. :0(

PugglesRule November 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm

So Gelernter is Jewish, has published a book about Judaism, and also too :"argues that American higher education has become more leftist, "thrusting", and "belligerent", due to "an increasing Jewish presence at top colleges". ' Too many of the wrong "kind" of Jews, obviously. Oy.

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"Thrusting", eh?

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"Our Jews are better than their Jews."

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm

not enough of the "nist" kind, huh!……

finallyhappy November 9, 2012 at 7:41 am

Nate Silver says he is half Jewish- but I'm making Nate totally Jewish- to counteract guys like this

dsundertaker November 8, 2012 at 1:44 pm

According to the NYT exit polls, 51% of individuals with a college degree voted for Romney. So yeah, maybe the university system DOES suck.
http://elections.nytimes.com/2012/results/preside

One_who_wanders November 8, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Yeah but when you get up to the graduate degree holders . . . .

finallyhappy November 9, 2012 at 7:43 am

are we talking strayer/ Phoenix grads- plus people lie- not if they have a degree but if they don't.

valthemus November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

"a Black Elite Stalinist Socialist"

Would that be a BESSie? I wanna be a BESSie!

RufusTFirefly November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

To be fair, to pass my final exam in US history a student must produce a receipt from the abortionplex, show a welfare check stub, or perform live gay oral sex.

And I'm a tough grader.

zedbot November 8, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Goddamn BUTTERscotch SCHNAPPS!

valthemus November 8, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"But we’ve won civil wars and preserved the Union before."

Actually, David, I'm pretty sure your side *lost* the Civil War.

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I am very confused. I have attended, in my lifetime, 1 community college, three state universities, and 1 private university. I have never noticed that I was being brainwashed by anyone.
I bet it happened in Spanish class. Does anyone know what "Hasta la revolucion, siempre?" means? We would just say it a lot, while facing a strange flag with a yellow star on a red background. Who knows. Like we used to say at Metro State College of Denver (our student pledge) "Communism is not love. Communism is a hammer which we use to crush the enemy," and then we would have pie

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Put your thinking cap back on (the one you got at the private university)….it was during spring break, wasn't it?…think hard….

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Oh…my….god. It's all coming back! It was during "Logic I." The humanatees…

alteredimages November 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Boomhauer libel! If nobody dang ol said that already knowwhuddamean.

TootsStansbury November 8, 2012 at 1:47 pm

I didn't go to college and I'm still a degenerate communist moron. What do you say to that Mr. Authoritarian Pants!

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:26 pm

That's Mr. Authoritarianist Pants to you…show some respect!….

Chet Kincaid_ November 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

It ain't necessarily so.

BadKitty904 November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

You mean all the words that I'm liable
to read in the Bible?
They ain't necessarily so?

Respitetini November 8, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I loves you Porgi

elgin_pelican November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Get me Dean Wormer on the phone! Stat!

PubOption November 8, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Gelert was an unjustly-killed Welsh dog (although probably not a corgi). I'm not sure what the 'ner' part signifies, though. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gelert

Toomush_Infer November 8, 2012 at 2:28 pm

It's short for Gelertnist….

oldswede November 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm

William F. Buckley, noted aristocratic intellectual, Yalie and author of 'God and Man at Yale', founded The National Review. Respect your roots, Gelertner.
Buckley was also rich and Republican with his own TV show, Firing Line, for those too young to remember the condescending twit.
Appropriate WFB quote: "It is not a sign of arrogance for the king to rule. That is what he is there for."
oldswede

T3rbo November 8, 2012 at 1:59 pm
Barrelhse November 8, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Pointy-headed intellectuals!

Maman November 8, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Just imagine a world where Michelle Bachmann became POTUS. I shudder to think

notreelyhelping November 8, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Yet another vote-winning, foolproof plan. These people are wizards.

glamourdammerung November 8, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Is NRO actually trying to side with the side that uhm, you know, won the Civil War?

That is not going to go over good with their white supremacist base.

prommie November 8, 2012 at 2:19 pm
outragedcitizen November 8, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Teabagger Americanism = doing things THEIR way.

HobbesEvilTwin November 8, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Hard Questions, like “what aspects of our agenda may have proven unpopular with the electorate?”

All of them, Katie?

DahBoner November 8, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Ally McNeil Akbar…

Native_of_SL_UT November 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm

I wish these guys would decide if it's the highly educated elitist pricks or the dumb fucking poors that are ruining this country. It's getting confusing.

poorgradstudent November 8, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Nothing says "We hate aristocracy" like pushing for the abolition of all inheritance taxes!

calliecallie November 8, 2012 at 3:26 pm

ANIMAL HOUSE LIBEL!

Wile E. Quixote November 8, 2012 at 4:17 pm

David Gelernter, the Jew who wanted to be a Nazi.

Wile E. Quixote November 8, 2012 at 4:26 pm

If David Gelernter weren't totally full of shit he'd do the following.

1) Resign from his position at Yale.
2) Leave Connecticut, a blue state, and move to any red state.
3) Get a real job in the private sector and stop being a lazy, needle-dicked academic.
4) Renounce Judaism and convert to Christianity. Look Dave, I've got bad news for you, you need to find Jesus and find him quick or you're going to be SOL when the end times come.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 8, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Ah yes, those damned ruling know-it-alls. Surely you're on the highway to Hell when you let people who actually know shit run things.

Gaaah … what a fucking fuckwad.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 8, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Colleges are people, my friends.

CindynEncinitas November 8, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Start handing out the tube tops and Keystone Lights. We're going back to our golden age before society was sullied by sushi and fancy people with "thoughts" and "ideas" taught to them by people who didn't mention the bible at all, ever.

unclejeems November 8, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Sadly, this gentleman has some ideological soul-mates in the Indiana legislature.

mrbubb November 8, 2012 at 9:01 pm

"if you think we should take off and nuke the site from orbit, Doktor Zoom is on Twitter too."

It's the only way to be sure.

Trinket November 9, 2012 at 1:34 am

Mother of God, don't these people EVER shut up?

ttommyunger November 9, 2012 at 10:26 am

Jeez! I'm a Senior at Glenn Beck Unifersity, Majoring in English with a minor in Theological Science. Duz this meen I have to drop out now?

hijackthemic November 10, 2012 at 3:47 pm

I'm not going to bother to read his article to get specifics, but WTF is he possibly talking about? We will disband all universities, how, where, and with who? Does he even begin to grasp that there is a massive world beyond politics where reality is currently going on, and it can't just stop the earth rotating and rearrange itself to fit the fancy of some totally bat**** insane freak?

FakaktaSouth November 8, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Okay, first, shut up, and I AM GOING TO MAKE YOU WATCH ESB, and secondly, now you're gonna make me cry "the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" tears.

SorosBot November 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Oh that's the best one too, and VI is the second best and First Contact best of the Next Gen films; but I don't know if the Star Trek movies count as sequels since they're all theatrical sequels to the TV shows.

emmelemm November 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Um, you should have stopped at Aliens and ESB. I'm not sold on any of those other ones. (Mayyyybe The Dark Knight.)

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