pantheon of fallen heroes

A Special Wonkette Tribute To Fallen Senator Staple-Crotch, Massachusetts’s Own Scott Brown

dick (pictured, left)It seems like just two months ago that we were in Tampa, Florida, hanging out with a bunch of Boston journos who explained, totally matter-of-factly, that it was a foregone conclusion that Senator Scott Brown (R-Playgirl) would handily beat sexy schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren in their #war for the senate. Why did they think that? “Because everybody likes him,” they explained. “He’s not a jerk.” Ah, but that was before Senator Brown shot himself in the stapled cock with his own arrow. Presumably working on the advice of Eric Fehrnstrom, who is very bad at his job, he quintupled down on an idiotic race-baiting campaign even after everyone in the world was all “the fuck, Scott Brown?” and then handed in a debate performance (with an assist from David Gregory) that was actually shocking in its bullying, shitty tone. Let us gather round for a War Dance of Remembrance!

  • Here is when Scott Brown claimed to be a double agent for kings and queens, which wasn’t dickish, but it was pretty weird.
  • Scott Brown loves women, because they taught him to help with the chores.
  • Here is the time Scott Brown got mad that poor people are allowed to vote.
  • Here is a hilarious dumb ad Scott Brown emoted all over, about jeans and nothingness.
  • Remember the time Scott Brown said his voting records should be off-limits? That was some brass!
  • Here is when Scott Brown started his long day’s journey into dickishness (and race carding) by acting like a common thug in his and Warren’s first debate.
  • And here is the beginning of the end: when high-level Brown staffers started doing totally awesome tomahawk chops and war whoops, accusing Warren of being a race traitor basically, and Brown pretty much demanded Warren apologize for making his staffers do that.
  • Then he doubled down.
  • And tripled.
  • And to wrap it all up here is that time Scott Brown insulted people who had lost loved ones to the excruciatingly painful and horrifying death by mesothelioma.

She who laughs last laughs longest or something, we don’t know, still hungover. Here.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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      1. DustyBowlBlues

        I was thinking that as the Pool Boy for their new beach front mansionx3 and a perfect accessory parking cars on their new elevator.

  1. Come here a minute

    If you're in Boston, you should keep an eye on the classifieds for a good deal on a hardly-used prop pickup truck.

  2. Callyson

    Not wing-nutty enough for FOX, not smart enough to land a university job…what on earth will Scottie do now?

    1. savethispatient

      There is a theory he could run for and win the vacant seat that John Kerry will leave when he gets appointed Secretary of State next year.

      1. actor212

        Y'know, he could wait until Deval Patrick wins Kerry's seat then run for Governor. Massachussetts has a spotty record selecting *koffkoffkMITTROMNEYkoffkoff* governors.

    2. Mahousu

      I would say adult movies, but LA just passed a law requiring condom usage by porn actors, and Scott's just not the sort to suit up.

      1. bibliotequetress

        "I would say adult movies, but LA just passed a law requiring condom usage by porn actors, and Scott's just not the sort to suit up."

        The staple would poke a hole in it anyway.

          1. emmelemm

            Awww shit – I completely forgot about that. Thanks, MissTaken!

            PS I take it you're a subscriber? :)

    3. mull_man

      Hang with equally unemployable Roberto Gonzalez, drinking 40's, playing x-box, and generally living high on that generous welfare check.

          1. mayor_quimby

            You run across some weird shit on Usenet if you're that old. Seriously something for everybody on there.

          2. emmelemm

            I'm a straight girl and I know about Tom of Finland.

            (I did not, however, know there are films? Is that for real?)

          3. widestanceromance

            I must be a failed ghey, cuz I don't know (and am not about to search at work)! Given the impossible dimensions of the original fellows, I can't imagine real men looking like the drawings–and still being attractive. I do not find penises larger than a man's actual leg to be appealing. Maybe they're animated.

          4. widestanceromance

            Prolly so. I need the other 4 hours of sleep I did not get last night–it's catching up with me.

    4. Lascauxcaveman

      Have they been whining about the (D) Senatorial feeling they're having in MT and ND this morning?

      Yep, both Tester and Heitkamp pull out sqeakers over their (R) opponents.

      1. Callyson

        I wouldn't know–I almost never go to FOX because of my ferocious temper. Though it might be fun to check it out today…

  3. StillGoinGreen

    I've spent the whole morning listening to Neo-Con talk radio – is that bad of me? I just can't help it, the whiny ring of despair in their voices is like a virgin's blood to a vampire… I NEED IT TODAY!!!

    1. DCBloom

      UGH…. you and my hubby could totally hang out. After the good news last night, he made me watch 20 minutes of Fox just to gloat.

      1. SorosBot

        That's why I've been reading the comments at a number of the wingnut blogs; it's fun and awesome.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Did you know that we are well on our way to splitting up the country like Chekoslovokia? Czeckoslovakia? Oh, you know. The one with the good pilsner that used to be one country and now is two but didn't do the genocide in the process. That one. We are gonna be just like them.

      2. PugglesRule

        MY husband has been hanging out on Wisconsin newspaper sites, totally gloating over the baggers.

      3. StillGoinGreen

        On my second date with my wife, I asked her what her political views were and she told me she was a "Democrat", and I asked what her parents views were and she said they, too, were Democrats. She asked me why and I told her that I could never be married to a woman who could vote for a republican – and I meant it. We have now been together for 20 years (married for 17) and have three wonderful children, who stayed up late with Daddy last night so they could watch Rachel Maddow smirk. ALL HAIL LIBTARDS!!

    2. Mittaplasia

      Everytime I try to listen to them at all I realize that waterboarding should only be used if this particular form of torture doesn't work.

  4. Terry

    The race between Elizabeth Warren and Scott Brown was the embodiment of substance versus superficiality.

  5. Mojopo

    Bye bye fuck face, now you have lots of time to drive your truck all over Boston looking for scrap metal and pop cans.

  6. memzilla

    So, Scott Brown kinda like the nor'easter coming into DC: blowing winds, a minor surge, a little snow job, but no danger of accumulation.

    1. TootsStansbury

      A perfect ending to a great day would be to stroll among snowflakes falling. Even with the hangover.

  7. AngryBlakGuy

    …honestly, where the fu$kk does the GOP find these wing-tards?! There is a drunk homeless guy on the corner, who makes a habit of yelling about how his shadow is following him around because its racist, I honestly think he is more sane than some of the republican candidates!!!

  8. spends2much

    Celebrity Apprentice- Loser Politicians Edition! See Scott Brown strip for tips on the mean streets of Manhattan…

  9. MissTaken

    We now know exactly what Brown can do for you.

    I've always wanted my very own package of Senator-Elect Elizabeth Warren. Thank you, Brown!

    1. SorosBot

      Oh yeah, she seems awesome, as does Baldwin from Wisconsin. It will be nice to have a few more Dems to be proud of.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      In the meantime, you can live vicariously through Scott Brown; he certainly got spanked last night.

      1. SorosBot

        You would think so, but many of the wingnuts actually think they lost because Romney wasn't conservative enough, and they would have one with the super-hater of women and gay people Rick Santorum. And that Akin and Mourdock only lost because of "gaffes", even though those "gaffes" were admitting the horrible misogynistic shit they actually believe.

        1. rickmaci

          And lemmings go off the cliff because that is just how their DNA works. I say let the GOTeaP go for it so they can run off the cliff like their lemming ancestors.

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Who knew that anti-choice, pro-rape, woman-hatin' was a barely-losing, 49-51 proposition across the USA? It's disturbing as hell that things were this close.

        We're moving the other way, I think, but we're lucky as hell that Obama came along when he did, or we'd be four years into a seriously fucked-up regression to the 1950s.

    1. glamourdammerung

      Who knew that flagrant racism was a sure loser?

      Well, it works in low turn-out elections. And when the damned Democrats do not bother running an opponent (still so peeved about not continuing Dean's DNC strategy there).

  10. HereKitty

    Masshole alert: If John Kerry becomes Secretary of State, necessitating an election to fill that empty seat, (once and would-be-future) Senator Centerfold may be cavorting back into your dreams.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I hope the Dems think long and hard about who to put up against him. If Obama is seriously thinking about Kerry, co-opting Brown into the administration first might be worth considering (assuming he's actually got some useful talent.) The guy is a Republican only by Massachusetts standards … in Oklahoma he'd be run out of town for his commie sympathies.

    2. bibliotequetress

      That seems to be what he was prepping us for during his speech last night but I wonder if he'll actually, save us, go for the governorship (as actor212 mentioned above). Which would be horrible.

    1. MosesInvests

      Unfortunately, my new senator is Teabag Ted Cruz. On the bright side, he's such a flaming asshole that people might actually get turned off by him in six years, by which time we might have enough Latino voters here in Tejas to turn the tide. The guy he beat in the primary, Light Gov Dewhurst, is just as much of an asshole but is much better at sounding reasonable.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    Guess he’s gonna have to retire his trucknutz. Like when they stripped Chuck Connor’s epaulets and broke his sword at the beginning of Branded.

  12. Katydid

    I heard Brown was singing this to his Senate seat last night:

    Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye

    She'll never love you, the way that I love you
    'Cause if she did, no no, she wouldn't make me cry
    She might be thrillin' baby but a-my love
    (My love, my love)

    So dog-gone willin', so kiss it I'm gonna try to kiss it
    (They wanna see me kiss it, wanna see me kiss it)
    I will go on and kiss it goodbye, now

    Na na na na, na na na na, hey hey, goodbye

  13. IceCreamEmpress

    For the last week, the Scott Brown campaign was filling the airwaves with "Vote the person, not the party!" ads.

    Scooter, your party is the worst, but we also don't like you very much as a person. Fuck in the name of off.

  14. Poindexter718

    For me, the manchild Scott Brown staffer with his hat turned backwards doing the tomahawk chop like some drunken fratboy at a Florida State game is the most indelible image of the entire 2012 campaign.

    1. Fox n Fiends

      Agreed – and it was helpful to have Paul Ryan release photos of himself looking the same way.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      What would you pay to see Warren interviewed by Katie Couric?
      "I really do read all of them, Katie."

  15. IceCreamEmpress

    Like most Republican captains of industry, his wife's the one making the money (teevee newscaster). She'll go back to her day job and he'll get some sinecures on company boards, and they'll be just fine. No tears for the plutocrats, y'all.

  16. Lucidamente1

    You call yourself a senator, Scott Brown, but as of this January you don't look like one to me.

  17. Mumbletypeg

    You know how some of y'all here overlook the vapid illiterate qualities of, say, a Meghan McCain in order to appreciate her, hmm, zestier appeal? Well I've been guilty not only of feeling briefly sympathetic toward ol' Scooby Brown upon learning he'd been abused during childhood — but also, since then, guilty that I haven't taken time to go home and look up all the debate footage this year that exposed him for the hypocritical, libelous, unprincipled tool that he is.

    Dont you hate that? When momentarily-transcending one's flaws with a hint of grounded judgment potential, gives way (or gets re-corrupted) to nattering tooltard again.

    1. actor212

      One in six boys in America is sexually abused every year.

      That he would allow that to be played as sympathy card is just sick. Plenty of us learned a lesson about compassion from our experiences. Brown did not. Fuck him.

    2. Halloween Jack

      Voting for someone just because they had a shitty childhood is only justifiable if they're Batman.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      You've got the schmuck that's stapled together
      Day or night, Dumbass ain't right
      The Dumbass look! The Dumbass look!

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        I do have access to a log splitter. I just say that to boast, not to imply bodily injury to Scotty.

  18. SpiderCrab

    Conventional wisdom is that Scott Brown is the sort of middle-muddle-of-the-road republican that good, patriotic Americans are supposed to want many more of, so that the two-party system might thrive and prosper. But unless you're Mike Bloomberg, Billionaire Mayor, why vote for Brown when you could instead vote for Warren? Makes no sense.

    1. flipdraw

      If Republicans could fuel centrist candidates, I could fathom voting for one (kidding – totes!). But point taken… Is this what centrist looks like?

    1. bibliotequetress

      Indeed. Never underestimate a woman who can climb a shaky shelf ladder carrying 40 pounds of archive boxes.

  19. Antispandex

    Well…at least he managed to stay out of jail, and wasn't even indicted or anything. I sense a comeback in his future where he tells everyone that this election, basically, never took place.

    1. rickmaci

      I have a fantasy that involves the Dem women senators, and few center leaning Rep women, all getting together as a caucus, taking control of the fuking place and cleaning house. There is some incredible fire power in that group, just watch.

      1. bibliotequetress

        To tell the truth, that's probably the most vanilla fantasy involving a group of women senators on Wonkette today.

  20. MissTaken

    Poor Scottie. I sure hope he can find someone to staple his crotch, again, to make him feel better.

    1. DustyBowlBlues

      Fantastic news–saw it this AM. So, when do we start calling her the new Ben Nelson for always voting against POTUS' most important bills? Febuary, you think, or earlier?

  21. valthemus

    And here I was thinking the Edifice of Crazy, so lovingly constructed by Brown and his fellow right wingers over the past year, would simply be overlooked by the electorate. I'm such a silly.

  22. DustyBowlBlues

    Save me googling it: WTF is up with Tester? The Tulsa world went to press with 33% reported and Tester up. Please don't ruin my day and tell me he lost.

    Oh, and if Bobbert is reading or anyone else cares: no good news from OK except our sheriff is a Democrat. Our formerly solidly Democratic County–voting for Ds when the rest of the state lost went 3-1 for Rmoney. Fuck Dixie and hangers-on. (Like the Dust Bowl–fire warnings out again. We're dryer than the Dust Bowl. And we get Inhofe for another 6 fucking years. You're welcome, America.)

    1. SorosBot

      Nope, he's won, and by a healthy 4% margin. They've also just called the final Senate race, with a Dem win in fucking North Dakota of all places.

  23. Aridzona

    Given that he already has a truck, a guest appearance on American Pickers, Boston edition, can't be far behind.

  24. Eve8Apples

    Now that the internet has made full frontal nudity free and readily available to anyone with internet access, Scotty won't be able to fall back on his former occupation to pay the rent. Maybe he can get a job delivering pizzas in his little red truck.

  25. ttommyunger

    Scott Brown, meh. The real story here is the way the R's fucked themselves in the ass again. The R's in Congress demonized Liz for coming out against the Banksters and Wall Street. They blocked her appointment to the Consumer Protection Commission that she proposed and birthed. Now, instead of dealing with her as a bureaucrat whom they could summon and grill at will, they must deal with her as an equal in the Upper Chamber. That doesn't chap their asses too badly, I'm sure.

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