Love Grenade

Ted Nugent Death / Jail Watch, Day One

A thoughtful contribution to the national discourseSo, remember how Ted Nugent, that charming young bard of the rock-n-roll genre, said this thing back in April?

“If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

We aren’t really sure if it’s appropriate to start the Nugent Death / Jail Watch with the reelection of Barack Obama, or if we have to actually wait until April 2013 so he has the full year. As of right now, Mr. Nugent’s comments are still on his Twitter feed, though we would not be surprised if he Trumps them at some point in the near future.

[Twitter via Wonkette Operative "Tim"]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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280 comments

      1. LesBontemps

        That's because no one can avoid knowing where he is now, despite our pleas for blissful ignorance.

          1. Roger_of_Arabia

            I think we might have gone to the same high school in MI. I had to defriend one guy who I didn't even remember from high school when he requested friendship. I finally gave up on his right-wing born-again christian ranting.

    1. Roger_of_Arabia

      I always wonder who does the cleaning, cooking, building and trash pick-up in Galt's Gulch, surely not the highly talented producers. They would have to import some moochers to do that, I think.

  1. actor212

    “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

    So, Ted…I hear you have a lot of guns…

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Ah hell no. He'll chicken out like he did the Vietnam War draft and spend the next six months pissing and shitting his pants so that even the grim reaper (or a prison) won't take him.

    1. T3rbo

      no he didn't, you need to put your dog ears on. "Subhuman" is the word used. Or, to be precise, subhuman varmints. Picture messican and Negroe ground squirrels, stealing from white people.

      1. Nothingisamiss

        I'm in such a good mood this morning I didn't even have my radar set for that. But of course…….

  3. WhatTheHolyHeck

    As a whore with a pimp, I take offense to his suggestion that my supporters do not have souls. I know for a fact that they do, because I enjoy tormenting them with subliminal video footage of eternal damnation every time I give them a hummer in my whore cave.

    Then they leave and go back to Congress.

  4. Ryy

    Ok, let's decide: Trump and Nug, which one goes to jail and which one dies by April? (No, you can't choose both!)

    My vote: Trump -> Jail, Nug -> Dead

    Tell me w votes! Hugs, little happy dog.

    1. Redgyal

      Little happy dog,
      I vote for trump dead and nuggent jail.
      Please let me know the results as soon as the votes are counted.
      Thanks,
      Red bird (not associated with any political party that you may be thinking of right now)

  5. Toomush_Infer

    Say, Ted, why don't you come hunt on my place out on Bois Blanc Island?….I've invited Dick Cheney as well….

        1. PugglesRule

          No boil AFAIK. The story is something like he relieved himself in his underwear for several days before going to the induction center. I think he got a 4F for "revoltingly gross".

        2. Grokenstein

          Rush was the pilonidal cyst casualty; Teddy had the poopy pee-pee pants. (He's quite vocally proud of that, one notes.)

          Mitten's Little Kittens, on the other hand, told everyone they couldn't serve in the modern occupations they love so very much (defending America!!!) because "it's more important to help" Pater "win the culture war here at home."

          This is no longer an issue and the Romneykinder are still of service age, so I assume they'll be signing up very soon? So they can go snuffling for buried roadside IEDs just like one of the Poors?

          Anyway, here's to the next 365 days. Be a man just once in your life, Nuge. Keep your promise.

  6. Pragmatist2

    I personally look forward to watching the Party of Individual Responsibility start its quest for someone else to blame for its fiasco.

  7. Mittaplasia

    Ted Numbnuts reminds me of an old blues song: "You keep saying that you're leaving; if it's true, I'll help you pack."

        1. sullivanst

          I called Florida before midnight last night. Still haven't heard any hint of an explanation why the media hasn't. Hell, Chuck Todd carefully explained exactly why Romney had zero chance of conceivably closing the gap around 1am last night on MSNBC, before proceeding not to call it. What's it gonna take?

    1. Nothingisamiss

      Excellent. I wish I could remember what the hell I've read from one moment to the next. I'd definitely steal that.

  8. T3rbo

    What a fucking clown-I cry tears of blood for our great warriors? That comment is equal parts sad equal parts ridiculously funny.
    This from a guy who pooped in his pants to avoid Vietnam. More like "I am again pooping in my pants, to honor our great warriors and their sacrifice, and crying tears of meth, because subhuman varmints."
    How do you go from pooping in your pants to crying tears of blood? This guy needs to see a doctor, or an editor.

    1. actor212

      If I was Bill Frist, I'd diagnose him with Cushing's Syndrome, an excess of cortisol.

      Well, I mean, at least it explains the lump of fat between his shoulders…

      1. T3rbo

        Ah, a rookie mistake. That is actually cocaine you detected, combined with mediawhorism and uh freedom blood-tear syndrome. Very common in bald eagles and such.

  9. Come here a minute

    "Ted Nugent stumps" refers to what's left after he mishandles some of his second amendment protectors.

  10. edgydrifter

    My very first thought upon waking this morning–I am completely serious here–was "is Ted Nugent in jail yet?"

  11. Goonemeritus

    “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

    I say a deal is a deal. NO backsees

  12. Toomush_Infer

    I'm thinking of starting a non-profit whose whole purpose is to fuck with the NRA….not to get anti-gun legislation passed, but just to make those maroons miserable…

    1. Biff

      I have no doubt that the lines at the local gun store (walmart, obvs) are as long today as the lines to vote were in Miami-Dade.

    1. BadKitty904

      Now that you mention, I do kinda feel like a Who down in Whoville.

      When do we carve the roast beast?

    2. SorosBot

      Wait aren't us godless liberals supposed to be waging a War on Christmas now, by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

        1. SorosBot

          But the Republican fundamentalists who want to impose Sharia in the US were largely defeated; hell gay marriage was legalized against the Sharia rules in three more states.

          1. sullivanst

            Awesome, isn't it?

            Looked like a few absurd anti-Obamacare initiatives passed (yeah, I'm looking at you, Missouri, when did the GOP start hating the free market?), but in general last night felt like El Alamein in the Culture Wars. At long fucking last, we're turning back the tide.

        2. paulabflat

          is that pronounced shuh-rEYE-ah, shay-ree-ah, or what? i don't mind conforming, i just don't want to be found out as a rube or nothin'.

          thanking you in advance, i remain,

          unsure

  13. Mittaplasia

    Will Splooge, er, Nuge, still be part of the County Fair circuit after he moves? He'd better make sure the country he moves into even HAS counties.

    1. HELisforHEL

      So 3 pimply teens in black tees can watch him solo at the 15th fret on his 6 8mm e-strings. What a fucking clown.

  14. smitallica

    I didn't think I could possibly cram more schade into my already overstuffed freude today. But then along comes this asshole.
    Today is my best day.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      I love those guys… Between their heavy metal covers of Duran Duran songs to "Fuck you and your cat." Brilliant.

  15. SorosBot

    Aw, watching the wingnut's heads explode today has been very fun. The sad thing is it seems many of them actually thought they were going to win; that's what happens when you live in a world of self-delusion where the polls are all biased against you.

    HA HA!

    1. Boojum

      And the problem with living in the fact based universe is you have to leave open the possibility you were wrong, which meant anxiety yesterday. But today makes up for it.

    2. Ruhe

      Enjoy it while you can. By next week they'll be doubling down on doing nothing and opening the conversation on the next election. Obama will have to be slicker than Lincoln to get anything done with this congress.

    3. fuflans

      and apparently (today i'm FULLY listening to npr – local and national – for the first time in weeks) their leaders and punditsactually believed it. our local chicago political roundtable (some decent thinkers among them) was pretty scathing about rove et alia.

      course i wouldn't know as i spent the last six weeks getting all my news from wonkette and 538.

    4. Redgyal

      Well……a few this morning admitted that Mittens of Hairgel was lacking a certain Je ne sait quoi that would have allowed him to,connect with his fellow countrymen.

    5. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yep….I wonder if anyone has 'sadly' informed the unskewed polling guy that his realistic election model was completely fucking wrong hahaha. It was almost sad…no, it wasn't…it was fucking elating to watch the dimbulbs slowly come to the realization that all this "Romney has it in the bag" talk was complete fucking lies and that the ones saying it and writing it KNEW it was a big bag of lies…that part is delicious.

      1. wondering where i am

        One of the Freepers ascribed the Republican defeat to "the dumbing down of America." I really read this on Free Republic! Dunning-Krueger effect anyone?

  16. Disassembly

    Sounds like someone has a bad case of butthurt fever. I hope he can work out his aggression by shooting some helpless animals.

  17. elviouslyqueer

    "So Obama still demands the hardest workers provide for the nonwotkers. Shared opportunitiesmy ass."

    Oh Ted, it's so cute that you think you're a "worker." Asshole.

  18. mavenmaven

    Now Nugent has to wait a whole election cycle just to get any attention at all.
    Or he can go on tour with Meatloaf (that could be the worst evening of anyone's life)

      1. baldartflagass

        Strangely enough, Mr Loaf actually did the vocals on a few songs on one of Nugent’s albums back in the 70′s.

  19. Native_of_SL_UT

    Dear Ted, I know how you can get back that warm and fuzzy feeling.
    Just shit your pants again.

  20. boskolives

    Hey Ted, your soon to be roomie wants to know if you're a top or a bottom? For your sake I hope he's talking about which bunk you prefer and not about butt seks, he's a big guy, if you get my meaning. Too.

  21. SorosBot

    Oh and check out UnSkewed Polls ( http://unskewedpolls.com/ ) latest headlines:

    "Big Romney Election Day Turnout:
    QStarNews Election Day Exit Poll: Romney by 5.4 percent in popular vote"

    "The FINAL Definitive Projection of the race: Romney wins 51% and 275 EVs (new 11/5)"

    I think they've missed something recently.

    1. One_who_wanders

      He's working on his new website: "Skewed Votes"
      Where he adjusts the voting totals so that the goodly GOPpers are in the majority in all the states (except Maryland, Mass, and HI)

    2. T3rbo

      They nailed it, but only in the headline. That was their final projection. The 2014 elections will have to be decided the old fashioned way, by examining entrails and asking Jesus what he thinks.

    3. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I tried to read their comments, but it's full of people selling Viagra. Guess they found their market.

    4. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      I tried to read their comments section, but was scared by the number of people selling boner pills. Guess they found their market.

      PS. I tried to post this once using the brand name and got deleted. Just another way we are better than them.

      1. SorosBot

        Yeah, one thing I've notice with auto-deleted posts is they often include words used by shitloads of spammers. Remember when the place kept getting hit with fashion spam a couple years ago?

        And I see now most of the non-spam comments are mocking the idiot, like "Archduke Ferdinand enjoys unprecedented, broad, and stable support among the working classes of all political stripes"; good work.

        1. actor212

          I tried posting something with the four letter medical term for the receiving bit of buttsechs and got moderated. Fortunately I found a workaround.

    5. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "Unskooled Polls" is more like it. LOL!! Dean Chambers is such a tool.

      Love his unintentionally hilarious sidebar article, "The bizarre world of Nate Silver's voodoo political predictions", where he starts out by admitting he doesn't understand Silver's methods, then uses his own 'applied wishful thinking' technique to show how "ridiculous" Silver's predictions are. He proceeds to expose his GIGO methodology by listing all the wingnut echo-chamber garbage he reads, as well as the worthless things he doesn't read (like the NY Times.) Like all deluded wingnuts, Dean's got not use for facts he don't like.

      He's too butthurt, and/or still too hung over, to take down this laughable crapfest of a website, but before he does someone really ought to preserve it for posteriosity.

  22. Mittens Howell, III

    My Wonkette name became irrelevant after last night, I'm considering changing it to 'subhuman varmint' in honor of Ted.

      1. horsedreamer_1

        Actually, I expect a returned to the House Paul Ryan to be 2013's answer to 2009 John Mc Cain. So, keep hating on him.

        Even Herb Hoov wasn't as sore a loser.

  23. Mittaplasia

    Here's an OT Onion News headline: "Romney Camp Retools Campaign After Latest Setback".

    It's VJ-day (victory joint, puff, puff, cough, AAAAAAH!)

    1. gullywompr

      Here's a typical Freeper this morning:

      "Forget it. I’m out. No longer will vote. No contributions. The GOP is DOA. They can go F themselves. America is finished. I’m going to play golf, and spend the rest of my days having fun, drinking good wine, and loving my wife. Liberal America can kiss my ass! I’m out of here! Don’t waste another breath or another day on politics. Once you pass 50% takers, once whites are a minority, it’s over. Goodbye and good luck!"

      1. sullivanst

        Guarantee he'll be pounding his keyboard in 15 months time once the midterm campaign is underway. Goobers are such liars.

      2. Biff

        That is exactly what I want to do. Except the voting. And golf. And the wine (or any other alcohol-drinking). And oh yeah, there's that no wife thing, too. But other than that, that's exactly what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I was just thinking about that. You know, i just love all you guys and think some of you are the funniest people on the planet, but I think I will head over to Fox Nation today for some real laughs.

  24. Cleopatriot

    So he's not dead, Trump isn't leading the revolution and Rove didn't melt away like the Wicked Witch last night.

    Jeez, Republicans never do what they promise to do.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Oh, FUCK… I listen mostly to Boneyard on satellite radio, and whenever that song comes on I nearly drive into a tree in my haste to change the station.

  25. prommie

    Words matter, read what he said, he said if Obama BECOMES president in November. Since Obama is already president, he cannot become president now, and the Inauguration is January anyway, so the Nuge is off the hook!

      1. prommie

        The traditional words of praise for a lawyerly tour de force are "you use your mouth purtier than a twenty dollar whore."

  26. Ruhe

    "Welfare Brats"…that's a telling phrase isn't it. We always thought that while the welfare queen was evil, at least her kids were innocent…for a while. I mean, they don't get to choose their mother, right? Ted's apparently not so sure now. Man, when these douchebags double down they really double down.

  27. magic_titty

    How about a televised seppuku on Fox, with the proceeds going to help hurricane victims. Everybody wins.

    1. weejee

      Ted doesn't have the guts. Wait, what…? Perhaps a new twist on Rocky Horror's a n t i c i p a t i o n  e v i s c e r a t i o n!

  28. Zombie_Reagan

    Ted Nuget has neither the backbone to survive on day in prison, nor does he have the backbone to off himself.

  29. CrunchyKnee

    As an aside – on Ted's second (i think) record 'Free for All', Meatloaf does the vocals on several songs, so I guess these clowns have been morons together for a long time.

  30. Mumbletypeg

    I really wanna hear William Shatner read these out loud like he did w/ Palin's before, kind of with a Ginsbergian cadence —

    "I saw the Best Place and the warriors of my generation destroyed by tragedy
    Pimps whores welfare brats dragging themselves soulless through the streets at dawn"

    Etc.

    1. BadKitty904

      I still love George Takei's Twitter from last night – "This just in: Apple Maps projects Obama to win Chile."

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I am as astounded and delighted at Takei's zings and clever humor as anyone. If he'd compile his quips someday in a bound/ print book-thingy I couldn't be happier. When I saw him not long ago as a guest character in a rerun of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" I nearly flipped.

        1. BadKitty904

          He seems like a genuinely witty, funny man. I think we're seeing more of that now, since he's finally come out and is at peace with himself.

  31. HarryButtle

    Somewhere over Michigan, a lonely drone circles quietly, awaiting the order. Be nervous, Ted. Be very nervous.

  32. Weenus299

    Trump and Nugent. Two birds. One stone. Maybe they can sit in a room and figure something out, murder-suicide like.

  33. ingloriousbytch

    That Twitter tantrum is nothing compared to what he's going to do on Inauguration/MLK Day. That fucker is going to spontaneously combust.

    1. fuflans

      yowza. i must say in my fairly inebriated state that's what i heard last night as well.

      but i really wasn't paying very much attention.

    1. SorosBot

      So his argument is basically that some other statisticians came up with their own models that proved to be wrong, therefore all of statistics is suspect and we can't trust Silver's model even though it was right. That's the kind of logic that's not.

      1. BoroPrimorac

        Give him a break, he's trying to make sense of things while a red mist of butthurt covers his eyes.

    2. Guppy

      What interests me is the way people talk about math as if it were divinely prophetic.

      He failed algebra in high school, didn't he? I mean, besides the science classes, since he fails to grasp what "empiricism" means.

  34. fuflans

    jesus christ some kenyan woman who gave birth yesterday just named her twins 'barack' and 'mitt'.

    that mitt child is handicapped for life.

  35. Allmighty_Manos

    What country can crazed wingnuts move to now? I mean pretty much all of the First World is socialist and gay. There is always Somalia: no government, lots of guns, and deranged religious fundamentalists telling women what to do with their lady parts.

  36. imissopus

    Slightly OT but Dick Morris has a post up at his website about why he was wrong, and though he does admit he has egg on his face about the polls and such, he still pretty quickly gets into blaming Sandy for blunting both Mitt's momentum and also the momentum of Benghazi as an unfolding scandal, blah blah blah. Still can't admit that the GOP might just have swung far enough to the right to finally scare people in the reality-based world. What a douche.

    1. BoroPrimorac

      Forget the war on women, telling Latinos that you'll build a border fence with a moat full of alligators around it and starving granny. It was fucking Sandy, man.

    2. SorosBot

      Yep, all because of Sandy; I knew that would be a popular Republican excuse. Ignore the fact that Obama lead in the polls the whole time, and Mitt's brief surge had turned around and started dropping well before the hurricane hit.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        It wasn't even because Obama responded quickly and competently to Sandy, working with everyone regardless of party affiliation, thus disproving 4 years of Republican lies about how he's incompetent, lazy, and refuses to work with anyone. No, it was just Sandy being a distraction.

  37. Jeri 2.0

    Ted, always the underachiever. You can do both dear boy. There's nothing stopping you from making a bold, bloody-tear statement by going to jail and staging a hunger strike there until you wither away to Ann Skelecoulter proportions and blow away. Knock yerself out Bubba.

    Stabenow won — WoOt!!

  38. Antispandex

    My kids called me "old". I was telling them that I remember when Ted was popular and not wingnutty, and they called me old. (sigh)

  39. Gleem McShineys

    Tears of blood? Dude, pull your head out of your ass. I suspect it is simply the epic butthurt that is the cause of any bleeding.

  40. IceCreamEmpress

    I don't know about anyone else, but Ted will have to pry my obesity booze out of my cold, dead hands.

  41. miss_grundy

    Just park your truck with the gun rack and that Confederate flag on the railroad tracks and wait to catch the commuter. Even though I'm so happy the President won, I still want to punch a cracker.

  42. VA_Dreaming

    Ted Nugent, crying tears of blood for the guys that do the work he spent a week pooping his pants to avoid. does this express my contempt for him enough?

  43. Eve8Apples

    With all those guns he has stockpiled, you think he would make good on that promise to be dead soon.

  44. Dashboard Buddha

    I find it difficult to take a man who bragged about shitting in his pants to avoid Vietnam seriously.

  45. ttommyunger

    Jeez, you're really a has-been when you have to have your name embroidered on your fucking shirts so people will know who you were. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

  46. spareme

    Please stop pointing a camera and writing about this fucking guy – he has always been an asshole, we do not need to publicize him. He is awful.

  47. TheMeatmaker

    Wait – Ted's going to pay for my obesity, booze, cell phones, birth control AND abortions? Guess I should say thanks by buying a 99-cent vinyl of "If You Can't Lick 'Em…Lick 'Em."

  48. daddycool67

    Hey forget all this death & jail business …

    What I want to know is: Where do I go to get all my free stuff?

  49. gingerland62

    I cant wait for my free abortions and spermicide. Thank god someone is now paying for my obesity booze, it's quite expensive.

  50. clecinosu

    The great thing about "Uncle Ted" is he doesn't have to resort to name-calling and ignorant bombast.

    By the way, Ted: Your music? Also very subtle.

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