LOVE GRENADE  12:17 pm November 7, 2012

Ted Nugent Death / Jail Watch, Day One

by Doktor Zoom

A thoughtful contribution to the national discourseSo, remember how Ted Nugent, that charming young bard of the rock-n-roll genre, said this thing back in April?

“If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

We aren’t really sure if it’s appropriate to start the Nugent Death / Jail Watch with the reelection of Barack Obama, or if we have to actually wait until April 2013 so he has the full year. As of right now, Mr. Nugent’s comments are still on his Twitter feed, though we would not be surprised if he Trumps them at some point in the near future.

[Twitter via Wonkette Operative "Tim"]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 280 comments }

Tom November 7, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Looks a lot like my Facebook feed for "guys who were popular in my high school but aren't so much now."

Mittaplasia November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I doubt he even shows up on VH1's "Where are they Now"?

LesBontemps November 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm

That's because no one can avoid knowing where he is now, despite our pleas for blissful ignorance.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

He might inspire a new program "VH1's Who Were They, Again?"

fatbob54 November 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Or "Why Won't They Go Away?"

GhostBuggy November 7, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Did we go to the same high school?

Tom November 7, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Perhaps. Mine was in a red state and named for a Confederate general.

GhostBuggy November 7, 2012 at 3:06 pm

Ha ha, no, I'm from Michigan, aka the South of the North.

Roger_of_Arabia November 8, 2012 at 1:40 am

I think we might have gone to the same high school in MI. I had to defriend one guy who I didn't even remember from high school when he requested friendship. I finally gave up on his right-wing born-again christian ranting.

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm

We can only hope, Nuge, we can only hope…

boskolives November 8, 2012 at 9:27 am

Assume work on upcoming commercial for new Tampon product, leaky eye cover pads

nounverb911 November 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Ted there's a cell in Galt's Gulch with your name on it.

barto November 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm

padded, we hope

Roger_of_Arabia November 8, 2012 at 1:42 am

I always wonder who does the cleaning, cooking, building and trash pick-up in Galt's Gulch, surely not the highly talented producers. They would have to import some moochers to do that, I think.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm

“If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

So, Ted…I hear you have a lot of guns…

oenspiek November 7, 2012 at 2:27 pm

A lot of nice guns you have, here, Ted. Be a pity if anything were to happen to them….

weejee November 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Needz moar Bronies.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Day One of No More Little Ponies Posts!

weejee November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

No, no, see above!!

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

You liberals, always so full of hope!

ManchuCandidate November 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Ah hell no. He'll chicken out like he did the Vietnam War draft and spend the next six months pissing and shitting his pants so that even the grim reaper (or a prison) won't take him.

elgin_pelican November 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I made reference to that on his facebook page and the post was gone in less than a minute.

ManchuCandidate November 7, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Not a shocker. It kind of ruins his self image of a warrior's warrior, not a dude who only shoots things that don't shoot back.

Preacher_Griz November 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

he forgot to mention dark people!!!

T3rbo November 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm

no he didn't, you need to put your dog ears on. "Subhuman" is the word used. Or, to be precise, subhuman varmints. Picture messican and Negroe ground squirrels, stealing from white people.

Preacher_Griz November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

and let's not EVER forget….the 19th amendment was just as bad as the 13th/15th amendment !!!!!

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I'm in such a good mood this morning I didn't even have my radar set for that. But of course…….

alvinnewman November 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

We're waiting……..!

Nopantsmcgee November 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Katmandon't.

WhatTheHolyHeck November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

As a whore with a pimp, I take offense to his suggestion that my supporters do not have souls. I know for a fact that they do, because I enjoy tormenting them with subliminal video footage of eternal damnation every time I give them a hummer in my whore cave.

Then they leave and go back to Congress.

Ryy November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Ok, let's decide: Trump and Nug, which one goes to jail and which one dies by April? (No, you can't choose both!)

My vote: Trump -> Jail, Nug -> Dead

Tell me w votes! Hugs, little happy dog.

Callyson November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Can't decide, so I'll go with both of them dying in jail.

Wile E. Quixote November 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I vote for Trump/Nugent murder/suicide.

Redgyal November 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Little happy dog,
I vote for trump dead and nuggent jail.
Please let me know the results as soon as the votes are counted.
Thanks,
Red bird (not associated with any political party that you may be thinking of right now)

BlueMonkeh November 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

fuck & marry my husband, kill Trump & Nugent

there….fmk decision made (3 guys so it's legit)

emmelemm November 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm

I don't know about the question, but I vote for happy adorable dog in avatar.

Toomush_Infer November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Say, Ted, why don't you come hunt on my place out on Bois Blanc Island?….I've invited Dick Cheney as well….

weejee November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Or maybe invite them to go tobogganing at Copper Peak?

Biff November 7, 2012 at 1:43 pm

So, you prolly know my friend Cindy up there, right?

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Yet another tough-guy who shits and runs when confronted.

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Standard-issue GOP chickenhawk…

weejee November 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Did Nuge dodge the draft with a boil on his ass or on his brain, I forget?

Geminisunmars November 7, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Hard to tell.

PugglesRule November 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm

No boil AFAIK. The story is something like he relieved himself in his underwear for several days before going to the induction center. I think he got a 4F for "revoltingly gross".

Grokenstein November 7, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Rush was the pilonidal cyst casualty; Teddy had the poopy pee-pee pants. (He's quite vocally proud of that, one notes.)

Mitten's Little Kittens, on the other hand, told everyone they couldn't serve in the modern occupations they love so very much (defending America!!!) because "it's more important to help" Pater "win the culture war here at home."

This is no longer an issue and the Romneykinder are still of service age, so I assume they'll be signing up very soon? So they can go snuffling for buried roadside IEDs just like one of the Poors?

Anyway, here's to the next 365 days. Be a man just once in your life, Nuge. Keep your promise.

ManchuCandidate November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

In his case, it is literally. No metaphor

Pragmatist2 November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I personally look forward to watching the Party of Individual Responsibility start its quest for someone else to blame for its fiasco.

Mittaplasia November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Ted Numbnuts reminds me of an old blues song: "You keep saying that you're leaving; if it's true, I'll help you pack."

PugglesRule November 7, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Second verse: "How can we miss you if you don't go away?"

Cleopatriot November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Yay! Someone else I forgot about that I can forget about again.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Cat Scratch Feeble.

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Dang, you're on a roll today, bub. "Crushing victory" seems to agree with you….

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

I'm waiting for Florida to come in. I had Obama with 332 in a big ol' pool. No one else was even close.

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm

I called Florida before midnight last night. Still haven't heard any hint of an explanation why the media hasn't. Hell, Chuck Todd carefully explained exactly why Romney had zero chance of conceivably closing the gap around 1am last night on MSNBC, before proceeding not to call it. What's it gonna take?

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Believe it or not, there are still people lined up to vote.

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Excellent. I wish I could remember what the hell I've read from one moment to the next. I'd definitely steal that.

Maman November 7, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Good to see he is taking the election news well…

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

As my uncle would say: "Someone had a *little* too much fun in the '70s"…

T3rbo November 7, 2012 at 12:24 pm

What a fucking clown-I cry tears of blood for our great warriors? That comment is equal parts sad equal parts ridiculously funny.
This from a guy who pooped in his pants to avoid Vietnam. More like "I am again pooping in my pants, to honor our great warriors and their sacrifice, and crying tears of meth, because subhuman varmints."
How do you go from pooping in your pants to crying tears of blood? This guy needs to see a doctor, or an editor.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm

If I was Bill Frist, I'd diagnose him with Cushing's Syndrome, an excess of cortisol.

Well, I mean, at least it explains the lump of fat between his shoulders…

T3rbo November 7, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Ah, a rookie mistake. That is actually cocaine you detected, combined with mediawhorism and uh freedom blood-tear syndrome. Very common in bald eagles and such.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Well, at least we know it's not lupus.

Callyson November 7, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Today, we are all pimps, whores, and welfare brats.

starfanglednut November 7, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Aotk

Come here a minute November 7, 2012 at 12:24 pm

"Ted Nugent stumps" refers to what's left after he mishandles some of his second amendment protectors.

paulabflat November 7, 2012 at 10:07 pm

gives a new meaning to the word disarmament.

edgydrifter November 7, 2012 at 12:24 pm

My very first thought upon waking this morning–I am completely serious here–was "is Ted Nugent in jail yet?"

Mumbletypeg November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Fisted.
You don't need to qualify your remark for being serious. Just as Ted doesn't qualify for having, much less appraising, one's "soul."

Goonemeritus November 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

“If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will either be dead or in jail by this time next year.”

I say a deal is a deal. NO backsees

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Put up or shut up, Nuge. Or, ideally, both.

LesBontemps November 7, 2012 at 12:42 pm

We held up our end of the bargain.

GeorgiaBurning November 7, 2012 at 2:01 pm

do the talk, do the walk– where's the chalk?

Toomush_Infer November 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

I'm thinking of starting a non-profit whose whole purpose is to fuck with the NRA….not to get anti-gun legislation passed, but just to make those maroons miserable…

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 1:44 pm

This, I would support.

Biff November 7, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I have no doubt that the lines at the local gun store (walmart, obvs) are as long today as the lines to vote were in Miami-Dade.

SigDeFlyinMonky November 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Ted, just accept your irrelevance and GTFO.

DCBloom November 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Is it Christmas, or what? I just love today!

kyeshinka November 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

No, Obama killed that last night. Now we all have to start buying Secret Kwanzaa presents.

Biff November 7, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Who will be the Kwanzaa mascot? Xmas has Santa and Krampus, Hanukah has Hanukah Harry…

kyeshinka November 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Hark the Heathen Hanukkah Harry!

doloras November 7, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Kwanzaabot, of course!

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Now that you mention, I do kinda feel like a Who down in Whoville.

When do we carve the roast beast?

paulabflat November 7, 2012 at 10:08 pm

it's really just a day old meatloaf.

tessiee November 7, 2012 at 10:35 pm

serves him right, after the way he sang at the Romney rally.

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Wait aren't us godless liberals supposed to be waging a War on Christmas now, by saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"?

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Can we change that to "Happy Sharia Law" this year?

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:49 pm

But the Republican fundamentalists who want to impose Sharia in the US were largely defeated; hell gay marriage was legalized against the Sharia rules in three more states.

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Awesome, isn't it?

Looked like a few absurd anti-Obamacare initiatives passed (yeah, I'm looking at you, Missouri, when did the GOP start hating the free market?), but in general last night felt like El Alamein in the Culture Wars. At long fucking last, we're turning back the tide.

finallyhappy November 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm

We can have an Eid brunch.

paulabflat November 7, 2012 at 10:10 pm

is that pronounced shuh-rEYE-ah, shay-ree-ah, or what? i don't mind conforming, i just don't want to be found out as a rube or nothin'.

thanking you in advance, i remain,

unsure

elviouslyqueer November 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Um, Ted? Somalia's thataway —>. Don't let the door hit ya where teh good Lord split ya.

Mittaplasia November 7, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Will Splooge, er, Nuge, still be part of the County Fair circuit after he moves? He'd better make sure the country he moves into even HAS counties.

HELisforHEL November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

So 3 pimply teens in black tees can watch him solo at the 15th fret on his 6 8mm e-strings. What a fucking clown.

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 1:45 pm

Minor pentatonic libel!

HELisforHEL November 7, 2012 at 2:21 pm

HAHAHA! The only mode he knows!

Tommy1733 November 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I'm hoping for jail. Nugent can be a source of ongoing entertainment in his little prison cell.

HELisforHEL November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

"You sure have purty hair…"

smitallica November 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I didn't think I could possibly cram more schade into my already overstuffed freude today. But then along comes this asshole.
Today is my best day.

DemmeFatale November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Why will he be dead or in jail?
Is that a threat?
Secret Service probably has a detail just for him.

edgydrifter November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Dingbat Tango

UnholyMoses November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Dude's got a stranglehold on stupid.

SayItWithWookies November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

Aww, poor Ted — those aren't tears of blood you're crying. The tampons are in aisle six.

HELisforHEL November 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm

HAHAHAHA

Loch_Nessosaur November 7, 2012 at 12:27 pm

The thing this jackass fears the most is not Bamz but obscurity.

TheMightyHaltor November 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm

And the draft

Geminisunmars November 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Let's give it to him.

ChillBill November 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm

I wonder how many dicks he'll suck in prison to prove he's a nice guy.

One_who_wanders November 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Looks both ways, pauses . . .
All of them, Katie!

DetectiveGrey November 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm
SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Unlike Nugent himself.

DCBloom November 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

So much awesome…

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I love those guys… Between their heavy metal covers of Duran Duran songs to "Fuck you and your cat." Brilliant.

gullywompr November 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Is butthurt covered by Obamacare?

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

OK, *nice*

Tommy1733 November 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Well it is a pre-existing condition, so let's assume yes.

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Aw, watching the wingnut's heads explode today has been very fun. The sad thing is it seems many of them actually thought they were going to win; that's what happens when you live in a world of self-delusion where the polls are all biased against you.

HA HA!

Boojum November 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm

And the problem with living in the fact based universe is you have to leave open the possibility you were wrong, which meant anxiety yesterday. But today makes up for it.

Ruhe November 7, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Enjoy it while you can. By next week they'll be doubling down on doing nothing and opening the conversation on the next election. Obama will have to be slicker than Lincoln to get anything done with this congress.

RedneckMuslin November 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

The South will secede again? I hope so!

Geminisunmars November 7, 2012 at 2:04 pm

This time we'll get it right.

fuflans November 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

and apparently (today i'm FULLY listening to npr – local and national – for the first time in weeks) their leaders and punditsactually believed it. our local chicago political roundtable (some decent thinkers among them) was pretty scathing about rove et alia.

course i wouldn't know as i spent the last six weeks getting all my news from wonkette and 538.

Redgyal November 7, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Well……a few this morning admitted that Mittens of Hairgel was lacking a certain Je ne sait quoi that would have allowed him to,connect with his fellow countrymen.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 7, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Yep….I wonder if anyone has 'sadly' informed the unskewed polling guy that his realistic election model was completely fucking wrong hahaha. It was almost sad…no, it wasn't…it was fucking elating to watch the dimbulbs slowly come to the realization that all this "Romney has it in the bag" talk was complete fucking lies and that the ones saying it and writing it KNEW it was a big bag of lies…that part is delicious.

Lucidamente1 November 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Will Nate Silver be giving forecasts on jail or death?

gullywompr November 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I was just reading the Freepers. They are slack-jawed at how accurate he was.

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm

They have yet to grasp what this math business is all about. Everybody told them it never worked.

PugglesRule November 7, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Math is factual, rather than merely truthy. It's facts that hurt their brains.

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Today I might just allow myself to walk on over there.

wondering where i am November 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm

One of the Freepers ascribed the Republican defeat to "the dumbing down of America." I really read this on Free Republic! Dunning-Krueger effect anyone?

BaldarTFlagass November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Sorry Ted, but it looks like Bamz gots you in a stranglehold.

Disassembly November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Sounds like someone has a bad case of butthurt fever. I hope he can work out his aggression by shooting some helpless animals.

elviouslyqueer November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

"So Obama still demands the hardest workers provide for the nonwotkers. Shared opportunitiesmy ass."

Oh Ted, it's so cute that you think you're a "worker." Asshole.

LesBontemps November 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Much more pathetic than cute.

mavenmaven November 7, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Now Nugent has to wait a whole election cycle just to get any attention at all.
Or he can go on tour with Meatloaf (that could be the worst evening of anyone's life)

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

That might be the first concert where the bouncer red-ropes the performers.

baldartflagass November 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Strangely enough, Mr Loaf actually did the vocals on a few songs on one of Nugent’s albums back in the 70′s.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2012 at 6:11 pm

For lack of anything better to do.

Dashboard Buddha November 7, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Hey! You got meatloaf in my nugent!

Oh yeah?! You got nugent in my meatloaf.

Native_of_SL_UT November 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Dear Ted, I know how you can get back that warm and fuzzy feeling.
Just shit your pants again.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Unfortunately, uncontrollable defecation will NOT keep him out of prison. Or its showers.

Estproph November 7, 2012 at 12:32 pm

For God's sake Nugent, DIE ALREADY!

boskolives November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Hey Ted, your soon to be roomie wants to know if you're a top or a bottom? For your sake I hope he's talking about which bunk you prefer and not about butt seks, he's a big guy, if you get my meaning. Too.

MinAgain November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I have my florist on hold. Where should I send the flowers?

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Oh and check out UnSkewed Polls ( http://unskewedpolls.com/ ) latest headlines:

"Big Romney Election Day Turnout:
QStarNews Election Day Exit Poll: Romney by 5.4 percent in popular vote"

"The FINAL Definitive Projection of the race: Romney wins 51% and 275 EVs (new 11/5)"

I think they've missed something recently.

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 12:37 pm

Hahahahahahahaha.

Hahahahaha.

Hahahahahahahahaha.

SUCKAHS!

One_who_wanders November 7, 2012 at 12:42 pm

He's working on his new website: "Skewed Votes"
Where he adjusts the voting totals so that the goodly GOPpers are in the majority in all the states (except Maryland, Mass, and HI)

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"I do not think those words mean what you think they mean."

T3rbo November 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

They nailed it, but only in the headline. That was their final projection. The 2014 elections will have to be decided the old fashioned way, by examining entrails and asking Jesus what he thinks.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I tried to read their comments, but it's full of people selling Viagra. Guess they found their market.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

When I first started reading about this, my first reaction was "Oh, it's nice to see Chief Editor Korir has a new hobby."

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I tried to read their comments section, but was scared by the number of people selling boner pills. Guess they found their market.

PS. I tried to post this once using the brand name and got deleted. Just another way we are better than them.

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yeah, one thing I've notice with auto-deleted posts is they often include words used by shitloads of spammers. Remember when the place kept getting hit with fashion spam a couple years ago?

And I see now most of the non-spam comments are mocking the idiot, like "Archduke Ferdinand enjoys unprecedented, broad, and stable support among the working classes of all political stripes"; good work.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I tried posting something with the four letter medical term for the receiving bit of buttsechs and got moderated. Fortunately I found a workaround.

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Is THAT why my recent post which referenced footwear got nuked!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 7, 2012 at 6:56 pm

"Unskooled Polls" is more like it. LOL!! Dean Chambers is such a tool.

Love his unintentionally hilarious sidebar article, "The bizarre world of Nate Silver's voodoo political predictions", where he starts out by admitting he doesn't understand Silver's methods, then uses his own 'applied wishful thinking' technique to show how "ridiculous" Silver's predictions are. He proceeds to expose his GIGO methodology by listing all the wingnut echo-chamber garbage he reads, as well as the worthless things he doesn't read (like the NY Times.) Like all deluded wingnuts, Dean's got not use for facts he don't like.

He's too butthurt, and/or still too hung over, to take down this laughable crapfest of a website, but before he does someone really ought to preserve it for posteriosity.

SexySmurf November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

When he gets to jail, I hope Teddy shares his thoughts on Apartheid with the biggest, blackest dude in the joint.

SheriffRoscoe November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Hey, Ted! Keep your mouth out of trouble. Here, suck on this.

Mittens Howell, III November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

My Wonkette name became irrelevant after last night, I'm considering changing it to 'subhuman varmint' in honor of Ted.

Mumbletypeg November 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Yeah I need to pull the smirking Paulie Munster out of my Aynbot; zombie-Ayn is probably as sick of him as we are.

horsedreamer_1 November 7, 2012 at 6:02 pm

Actually, I expect a returned to the House Paul Ryan to be 2013's answer to 2009 John Mc Cain. So, keep hating on him.

Even Herb Hoov wasn't as sore a loser.

T3rbo November 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Or freedombloodtears

starfanglednut November 7, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Hahaha even better, lol.

starfanglednut November 7, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Has a nice ring to it!

Mittaplasia November 7, 2012 at 12:33 pm

Here's an OT Onion News headline: "Romney Camp Retools Campaign After Latest Setback".

It's VJ-day (victory joint, puff, puff, cough, AAAAAAH!)

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Sorry Donald, you're just not as funny as The Nooge.

AlterNewt November 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Bless his heart.

Meadow58 November 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Non Wotkers! Every last one of yas!

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Memeorandum is chock full of "What the FUCK happened last night? I thought we had this in the bag!"

gullywompr November 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Here's a typical Freeper this morning:

"Forget it. I’m out. No longer will vote. No contributions. The GOP is DOA. They can go F themselves. America is finished. I’m going to play golf, and spend the rest of my days having fun, drinking good wine, and loving my wife. Liberal America can kiss my ass! I’m out of here! Don’t waste another breath or another day on politics. Once you pass 50% takers, once whites are a minority, it’s over. Goodbye and good luck!"

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Their tears are like biodiesel for the progressive movement.

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Guarantee he'll be pounding his keyboard in 15 months time once the midterm campaign is underway. Goobers are such liars.

bobbert November 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I'd suspect fifteen minutes time.

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Please, go Galt, and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!

BoroPrimorac November 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

What a racist cunt.

fuflans November 7, 2012 at 1:14 pm

if this guy is anything like i imagine, his wife would probably prefer he go back to politics.

Biff November 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

That is exactly what I want to do. Except the voting. And golf. And the wine (or any other alcohol-drinking). And oh yeah, there's that no wife thing, too. But other than that, that's exactly what I want to be doing for the rest of my life!

gullywompr November 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

And this is all I could have ever hoped for:
http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2012/11/s

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Once again, HA HA!

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Oh my God. Thanks for that. My hundreth laugh of the morning.

TootsStansbury November 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Jebus. They all look like they just farted.

BoroPrimorac November 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm

That's splendid.

elviouslyqueer November 7, 2012 at 1:31 pm

HAHAHA. Noonan looks like her eighteenth Vicodin-and-tonic kicked her flat in the teeth.

Chet Kincaid_ November 7, 2012 at 1:45 pm

They could have squeezed another chyron crawl onto her enormous forehead.

tessiee November 7, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Not for nothing, but what's the deal with her Jack NIcholson hairline?

starfanglednut November 7, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Rove doesn't look sad really. More like he's thinking about a sandwich.

fuflans November 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

oh i'm so glad you reposted this. i took your caution and didn't look yesterday as i was too fearful.

thx man!

WhatTheHeck November 7, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Slightly OT, but has anyone checked to see if the lights are on at FoxNews?

Native_of_SL_UT November 7, 2012 at 12:52 pm

I was just thinking about that. You know, i just love all you guys and think some of you are the funniest people on the planet, but I think I will head over to Fox Nation today for some real laughs.

ph7 November 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I cry tears of blood

Ted's such a drama queen.

Clancy_Pants November 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Pictures or it didn't happen!

PugglesRule November 7, 2012 at 2:15 pm

He really needs to stop poking himself in the eye with sharp objects.

Blueb4sinrise November 7, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I'm thinking: A t-shirt with the photo of the Wonkequins wearing Wonkette t-shirts.

Beowoof November 7, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Sounds like Ted is shitting his pants, again.

Cleopatriot November 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm

So he's not dead, Trump isn't leading the revolution and Rove didn't melt away like the Wicked Witch last night.

Jeez, Republicans never do what they promise to do.

Maman November 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

What kind of subhuman varmint wants to hear Wango Tango?

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Oh, FUCK… I listen mostly to Boneyard on satellite radio, and whenever that song comes on I nearly drive into a tree in my haste to change the station.

VA_Dreaming November 7, 2012 at 3:56 pm

What kind of subhuman varmint writes Wango Tango and Cat Scratch Fever?

prommie November 7, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Words matter, read what he said, he said if Obama BECOMES president in November. Since Obama is already president, he cannot become president now, and the Inauguration is January anyway, so the Nuge is off the hook!

SheriffRoscoe November 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

How lawyerly!

prommie November 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The traditional words of praise for a lawyerly tour de force are "you use your mouth purtier than a twenty dollar whore."

Jus_Wonderin November 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

He might be off the hook, but he is definitely off the chain.

Ruhe November 7, 2012 at 12:45 pm

"Welfare Brats"…that's a telling phrase isn't it. We always thought that while the welfare queen was evil, at least her kids were innocent…for a while. I mean, they don't get to choose their mother, right? Ted's apparently not so sure now. Man, when these douchebags double down they really double down.

Schmegeg November 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Dead/In Jail? What does 538.com have to say about the odds?

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm

I vote dead. Democracy in action!

magic_titty November 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

How about a televised seppuku on Fox, with the proceeds going to help hurricane victims. Everybody wins.

weejee November 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Ted doesn't have the guts. Wait, what…? Perhaps a new twist on Rocky Horror's a n t i c i p a t i o n  e v i s c e r a t i o n!

Zombie_Reagan November 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Ted Nuget has neither the backbone to survive on day in prison, nor does he have the backbone to off himself.

Chow Yun Flat November 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Shared opportunity my ass

No thank you.

sullivanst November 7, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Guess he's going with jail then.

ChrisM2011 November 7, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Tears of blood? Typical conservative Fanger.

CrunchyKnee November 7, 2012 at 12:49 pm

As an aside – on Ted's second (i think) record 'Free for All', Meatloaf does the vocals on several songs, so I guess these clowns have been morons together for a long time.

ph7 November 7, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Together, they've put a Stranglehold on reality.

Mumbletypeg November 7, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I really wanna hear William Shatner read these out loud like he did w/ Palin's before, kind of with a Ginsbergian cadence —

"I saw the Best Place and the warriors of my generation destroyed by tragedy
Pimps whores welfare brats dragging themselves soulless through the streets at dawn"

Etc.

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I still love George Takei's Twitter from last night – "This just in: Apple Maps projects Obama to win Chile."

Mumbletypeg November 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I am as astounded and delighted at Takei's zings and clever humor as anyone. If he'd compile his quips someday in a bound/ print book-thingy I couldn't be happier. When I saw him not long ago as a guest character in a rerun of "Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea" I nearly flipped.

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 1:10 pm

He seems like a genuinely witty, funny man. I think we're seeing more of that now, since he's finally come out and is at peace with himself.

fuflans November 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

you know come to think of it, wingtards don't have any poets either.

HarryButtle November 7, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Somewhere over Michigan, a lonely drone circles quietly, awaiting the order. Be nervous, Ted. Be very nervous.

Weenus299 November 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Trump and Nugent. Two birds. One stone. Maybe they can sit in a room and figure something out, murder-suicide like.

actor212 November 7, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Well, you know, Ted. They say only the good die young…

…old man.

Baconzgood November 7, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Oh Ted. Such a bastion of humanity. "Humanity" still means "idocy" right?

Jus_Wonderin November 7, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Hey Ted. I'm crushing your head.

ingloriousbytch November 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

That Twitter tantrum is nothing compared to what he's going to do on Inauguration/MLK Day. That fucker is going to spontaneously combust.

PugglesRule November 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

If I were the Secret Service I'd put Nuge on the no-fly list, destination Washington D.C.

horsedreamer_1 November 7, 2012 at 6:03 pm

He'll aim lower & try to take out half of Detroit.

mavenmaven November 7, 2012 at 12:58 pm

OT: Wonketteers should have written this: http://www.salon.com/2012/11/07/romneys_concessio

fuflans November 7, 2012 at 1:34 pm

yowza. i must say in my fairly inebriated state that's what i heard last night as well.

but i really wasn't paying very much attention.

BoroPrimorac November 7, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Here's Jonah Goldberg explaining why Nate Silver's predictions were wrong anyway.
http://www.nationalreview.com/articles/332766/cri

BadKitty904 November 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Dang. Irrelevance much?

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

So his argument is basically that some other statisticians came up with their own models that proved to be wrong, therefore all of statistics is suspect and we can't trust Silver's model even though it was right. That's the kind of logic that's not.

BoroPrimorac November 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Give him a break, he's trying to make sense of things while a red mist of butthurt covers his eyes.

Guppy November 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm

What interests me is the way people talk about math as if it were divinely prophetic.

He failed algebra in high school, didn't he? I mean, besides the science classes, since he fails to grasp what "empiricism" means.

Nowisallthereis November 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm

I'll throw in a hundred bucks for a countdown clock on Times Square.

fuflans November 7, 2012 at 1:04 pm

jesus christ some kenyan woman who gave birth yesterday just named her twins 'barack' and 'mitt'.

that mitt child is handicapped for life.

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Really fucking unbelievable. I thought I was a drama queen.

rickmaci November 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Time to get dead Ted.

Kid_Charlemagne November 7, 2012 at 1:09 pm

WOLVERINES!!

Allmighty_Manos November 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm

What country can crazed wingnuts move to now? I mean pretty much all of the First World is socialist and gay. There is always Somalia: no government, lots of guns, and deranged religious fundamentalists telling women what to do with their lady parts.

imissopus November 7, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Slightly OT but Dick Morris has a post up at his website about why he was wrong, and though he does admit he has egg on his face about the polls and such, he still pretty quickly gets into blaming Sandy for blunting both Mitt's momentum and also the momentum of Benghazi as an unfolding scandal, blah blah blah. Still can't admit that the GOP might just have swung far enough to the right to finally scare people in the reality-based world. What a douche.

BoroPrimorac November 7, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Forget the war on women, telling Latinos that you'll build a border fence with a moat full of alligators around it and starving granny. It was fucking Sandy, man.

SorosBot November 7, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Yep, all because of Sandy; I knew that would be a popular Republican excuse. Ignore the fact that Obama lead in the polls the whole time, and Mitt's brief surge had turned around and started dropping well before the hurricane hit.

Generation[redacted] November 7, 2012 at 3:14 pm

It wasn't even because Obama responded quickly and competently to Sandy, working with everyone regardless of party affiliation, thus disproving 4 years of Republican lies about how he's incompetent, lazy, and refuses to work with anyone. No, it was just Sandy being a distraction.

PubOption November 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm

What subhuman varmint believes others should pay for his CD's?

Jeri 2.0 November 7, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Ted, always the underachiever. You can do both dear boy. There's nothing stopping you from making a bold, bloody-tear statement by going to jail and staging a hunger strike there until you wither away to Ann Skelecoulter proportions and blow away. Knock yerself out Bubba.

Stabenow won — WoOt!!

Chet Kincaid_ November 7, 2012 at 1:30 pm

How it will happen is, he'll go back on Huckabee's show, they'll duet on "Wango Tango," and God will kill them both with lightning.

Antispandex November 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

My kids called me "old". I was telling them that I remember when Ted was popular and not wingnutty, and they called me old. (sigh)

outragedcitizen November 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

There's a third option, CatSnatchFever, you could move to Mexico. They got lots of guns too, only they know how to use them…

Gleem McShineys November 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Tears of blood? Dude, pull your head out of your ass. I suspect it is simply the epic butthurt that is the cause of any bleeding.

Chet Kincaid_ November 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Meanwhile, in Dueling Movies, we have "Lincoln" and "Red Dawn."

Monsieur_Grumpe November 7, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Did someone poop their pants? Did you? Huh? Did you?

Yellerdawg November 7, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Methinks Ted had one too many hits of the brown acid.

fishwharf November 7, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Teddy Dear! What can we do to help make your prediction a reality?

Walter_White November 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Hating on Ted Nugent – ' nuff said

IceCreamEmpress November 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm

I don't know about anyone else, but Ted will have to pry my obesity booze out of my cold, dead hands.

LibrarianX November 7, 2012 at 2:42 pm

He has syphilis, right?

viennawoods13 November 7, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I'd feel sorry for the syphilis.

tessiee November 7, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Can't be; who'd fuck him?

Barrelhse November 7, 2012 at 2:52 pm

Can he be both?

miss_grundy November 7, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Just park your truck with the gun rack and that Confederate flag on the railroad tracks and wait to catch the commuter. Even though I'm so happy the President won, I still want to punch a cracker.

NothingMissing November 7, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Uh, Ted: It’s not spelled “nonwotkers”, it’s spelled “nonwhites”.

VA_Dreaming November 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Ted Nugent, crying tears of blood for the guys that do the work he spent a week pooping his pants to avoid. does this express my contempt for him enough?

DahBoner November 7, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Cat Scratch Fever is normally not fatal, but we can always HOPE…

Eve8Apples November 7, 2012 at 4:30 pm

With all those guns he has stockpiled, you think he would make good on that promise to be dead soon.

Mittaplasia November 7, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Fear and loathing and angst, oh, my!

woodwakr November 7, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Get the hell out of my country if you don't like it, asshole.

Dashboard Buddha November 7, 2012 at 6:39 pm

Right on.

JackObin November 7, 2012 at 5:59 pm

O.K. I give up. Who is Ted Nugent?

C_R_Eature November 7, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Nugent, you're still only just a Rock & Roll Pussy.

Dashboard Buddha November 7, 2012 at 6:48 pm

I find it difficult to take a man who bragged about shitting in his pants to avoid Vietnam seriously.

redarmyzombie November 7, 2012 at 8:08 pm

Hey, Dok, does commenting rule #2 still apply? I mean, Nuge DID start it, after all…

ttommyunger November 7, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Jeez, you're really a has-been when you have to have your name embroidered on your fucking shirts so people will know who you were. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

spareme November 7, 2012 at 10:50 pm

Please stop pointing a camera and writing about this fucking guy – he has always been an asshole, we do not need to publicize him. He is awful.

TheMeatmaker November 8, 2012 at 1:50 am

Wait – Ted's going to pay for my obesity, booze, cell phones, birth control AND abortions? Guess I should say thanks by buying a 99-cent vinyl of "If You Can't Lick 'Em…Lick 'Em."

daddycool67 November 8, 2012 at 4:02 am

Hey forget all this death & jail business …

What I want to know is: Where do I go to get all my free stuff?

gingerland62 November 8, 2012 at 5:09 am

I cant wait for my free abortions and spermicide. Thank god someone is now paying for my obesity booze, it's quite expensive.

clecinosu November 8, 2012 at 7:44 pm

The great thing about "Uncle Ted" is he doesn't have to resort to name-calling and ignorant bombast.

By the way, Ted: Your music? Also very subtle.

Nothingisamiss November 7, 2012 at 12:59 pm

AT LONG FUCKING LAST.

Chet Kincaid_ November 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm

For the 2004 election.

GunToting[Redacted] November 7, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Chad libel!

Geminisunmars November 7, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Hanging offense!

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