pantheon of fallen heroes

Pour A Little On The Ground For America’s Greatest Deadbeat Dad, Hero Congressman Joe Walsh

Now what the fuck are we gonna write about?Today we remember our fallen heroes, a pantheon of peerless fighters like Allen West (probably) and some other ones. But first among equals must always be hero congressman and deadbeat dad of the decade one Mr. Joe Walsh. Let us have a moment of silence for the man whose big GOTCHA in his first debate against war hero Tammy Duckworth was that he had spy photos of her wearing women’s clothing. Okay, good silence, you guys! Now let us honor Mr. Former Congressman Walsh with a montage.

[Joe Walsh climbs on a bed and sings into a hairbrush the Aretha Franklin soul hit “Respect.”] Rep. Joe Walsh picks up the self-proclaimed “president,” pats him on the head, and calls him “son” one million times while explaining that he is as a tiny stupid child — a “boy,” even!

[Joe Walsh goes to a boutique and starts trying on wedding dresses and funny sunglasses to “Raspberry Beret.”] Rep. Joe Walsh offers opponent Tammy Duckworth a purple heart band-aid for her missing legs.

[Joe Walsh does a “funny dance” across the street, with a traffic cop, to Human League’s “Don’t You Want Me.”] Rep. Joe Walsh unleashes a torrent of screaming abuse at his constituents.

[Joe Walsh stands in line at an all you can eat Las Vegas buffet, to Mr. Wayne Newton’s “Danke Schoen.”] Rep. Joe Walsh heroically sues his ex-wife over his continuing failure to provide for his children.

[Joe Walsh pokes his head out of the box where he has been sleeping, with a “funny hat” on. Then a raccoon pokes his head out too. The raccoon is Joe Walsh’s only friend. Vivaldi’s Spring swells romantically.] Joe Walsh lives in his office, because he is a deadbeat.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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  • Disassembly

    At least we still have Bachmann.

    • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

      The triumph of dope over experience.

      Or something like that.

      • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

        Money. 12:1 ratio, to be exact.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Barely, for all the reassurance that is.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We can always hope that her narrow escape from the clutches of her Swiss citizenship will teach her a hard-learned lesson and she'll not only moderate her tone but actually start being nicer to people and maybe even…

        Oh hell, who am I kidding???

        • PsycWench

          Yeah, and maybe monkeys will fly out of my butt.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Those things hurt, trust me. But not as much as when they first crawl in.

            Stupid monkeys….

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            If I had a dime for every ass diving monkey…

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Obligatory "Ass Diving Monkeys" band name dibs!

          • miss_grundy

            At least Wonkette will be having fun mocking the new congressman for the newly gerrymandered 11th Congressional district, Kerry "I Think I'm Santa Claus" Bentivolio. When can the Reindeer Man jokes start?

          • Willardbot9000_V2.5

            Ah, so YOU were that actor who allowed himself to be humiliated via butt monkey in "Bruce Almighty"….that looked it hurt both ways…

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And Jeff Flake.

      Boy, there's a perfect name for a Teabagger, huh?

      • Lascauxcaveman

        The Flake part is perfect, but the first name should be 'Dick.'

        • Swampgas_Man

          My uncle had those, til he bought a special cream.

    • barto

      good to keep one village idiot around, I suppose

    • Toomush_Infer

      Shouldn't there be special corners of both House and Senate, roped off for professional clowns?…they could come in costume and not be humiliated unduly that way….

    • SorosBot

      While many of the crazies may be gone, we still have their queen to kick around and laugh at.

      • Disassembly

        Plus Alan Grayson is back! Should make for good teevee.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Every time I saw that guy on Olbermann or Ed, he had literally nothing to say beyond the one-liner in the House chamber that got him booked on the show, and the hosts seemed perplexed at what a poor interview he was. There's more to being effective in Congress than that, and I hope he learned that by losing and winning again.

          • Disassembly

            Yeah, you're right. He was in trouble in 2010 and decided that bombastic rhetoric might be enough to save him. I can't say I was a big fan of him before but here's hoping. Maybe Disney will buy him and turn it around.

          • Willardbot9000_V2.5

            Oh come on Chet…that's how Boehner has kept his job for 30 years and Inhofe's entire appeal is his willingness to say stupid things and then not do anything productive in the senate…ever.

    • grex1949

      Damnit! So close. Jim Graves, you are still my hero for taking this dingbat on. Please try again in two years…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        The feeling I got last night was that she was just one stupid fuck up from either a recall or a disaster in 2014.

        • BadKitty904

          Or being committed…

          • Willardbot9000_V2.5

            that's what really needs to happen…she needs to lose so the psychiatric hospitals can get her in. The dingbats who keep voting this nutcracker in are just enabling her to do more harm to them and herself…I mean the whole obviously gay and extra homophobic husband schtick is evidence of some form of psychosis I assume…especially with her living in obvious denial about it.

    • idrobny

      thank goodness for bachmann. without her what would stewart, colbert & maher do. coulter is not an elected official so we can't pick on her. the only time she comes out of her batcave now is when she writes a book

    • justkillmenow

      And Steve King. The Iowa 4 and the Min 6 know how to bring the crazy.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm most excited about not having to see the Romney smirk ever again. At least until Dag, or Truck, or whatever his name is runs.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Those are Snowbilly's kids names. Or wait…maybe Levi's. Oh hell….

    • FakaktaSouth

      I wish Paul Ryan was cast out, I hate a guy who points at the crowd with his thumb. Oh, and tries to make old and sick people starve to death on vouchers. But that thumb, man, it makes me really crazy.

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        I never thought about that, but your right. He deserves to be killed (with votes) for that thumb thing.

      • An_Outhouse

        The backward hat and smirk in Time made me physically ill. His speaking voice is only out shrilled Snowbilly.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Fucking jug-eared bat.

      • redarmyzombie

        Oh, were I but a zombie, I could bite the damn thing off…

    • rickmaci

      Seamus got his revenge. Sleep well old dog, sleep well.

      • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

        DON'T ROOF-RACK ME, BRO!

    • TootsStansbury

      Is that the nightmare inducing head thing from the debates? DO NOT WANT TO SEE EVAR AGAIN.

    • Slim_Pickins

      No MIttens will be back in 4 years. He has Potomac fever, the only known cure for Potomac fever is embalming fluid.

      • http://www.wonkette.com Tangled sin tax

        He'll be 69. Speaking as someone the same age as him, I doubt he will have the stamina to deal with another campaign. No research here, just that infallible gut feeling, but I think that for the most part it's incumbents that can win re-election at that age, not challengers.

        • SorosBot

          That and the simple fact that, in modern America, once a politician loses the general election for President it's over for them. The last loser to come back and get the nomination again was Nixon; no one since has even tried.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Nixon proves the opposite, though. I think it's more the case that you can't run for President a third time after losing twice, be it at the primary or the general.

          • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

            Jerry Brown ran thrice and came closest the last time ('92).

        • Slim_Pickins

          McCain was 72 when he ran. Mitt's also a "cleaning living Mormon" and has the body of a 63 yo.

      • One_who_wanders

        Even if he is interested, he has little chance of the GOP supporting him. Ryan on the other hand . . .

      • bikerlaureate

        He'd have to pull a Perot… the small-government party of compassion and fiscal responsibility won't make this mistake again.

        • Slim_Pickins

          But does the GOP have anyone but Mitt?

    • elgin_pelican

      The one who wanted to "swing" with Obama at the debate? He's dreamy…..

    • viennawoods13

      you know it's coming.

  • http://Wonkette.com MLHencken

    I hope Tammy Duckworth takes off one of her artificial limbs and uses it to beat Walsh in the head.

    • PsycWench

      Well, he was literally beaten with votes, so she might settle for that.

    • Weenus299

      Funny, I fantasized that such a scenario would happen last night, her using one of her leggies.

    • An_Outhouse

      as long as she puts a sticker on it that says 'Votes!', then I think its warranted.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        God, this meme is so fuckin' tired.

    • Living in Joy

      Oh Jesus, I just about spit out my Coke Zero reading this. I'm still laughing!

      • PugglesRule

        I would have spit out my Coke Zero reading this but it's still in the work fridge. Coke Zero FTW. Soon.

        • bikerlaureate

          Now I'm tempted to go out and buy some Coke Zero just so I can spit it out like the cool kids.

    • fishwharf

      I'd pay good money to see that.

  • FlipFlopFuck

    Now he knows how his kids feel. Fucking asshole.

    • idrobny

      ooooo u r sooonasty! but truthful!

  • BadKitty904

    To paraphrase Dr. Venkman: "Joe…someone with your qualifications should have no trouble finding a top flight job in either the food service or housekeeping industries."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And yes, the man has no dick.

    • idrobny

      i sawhim behind the counter at mc donalds today…. serving chicken wings!

    • mrpuma2u

      As an IL resident, it is a very good riddance to an epic tool of a bad elected official. So long Joe!

      • viennawoods13

        I read that as "epic stool". That works, also, too.

  • ProgressiveInga

    Who will be our Official Congressional Anger Bear now?

    • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

      You guys still have corndog sucking Mish.

    • Limeylizzie

      I am still hating Mitch, Tan Man and that hideous little cretin and Ob-Gyn Tom Coburn, I have plenty of hate left in me.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        We did, however, get rid of that witch that took John Hall's seat: Nan Hayworth. She actually proposed offsetting emergency FEMA funding….during Irene…by spending cuts elsewhere.

    • Living in Joy

      We still have Steve King.

    • horsedreamer_1

      Paul Ryan.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    This will merely give him more time to spend with his kids.

    Oh. Wait…

  • Barbara_

    I wonder if he will get the job of flying the remote control helicopter outside the Radio Shack at the mall?

    • FakaktaSouth

      I can't wait for the first pics of this guy in the welfare line. I can't see him getting a job.

    • Biff

      Is that a thing people get paid to do now? Damn, I gotta find a mall somewhere!

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Screaming at passerby to get the hell out of the way. Especially anyone on crutches.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      He's tall- he can help the LVN's at bathtime in the nursing home

    • JustPixelz

      Nah. He'll be a "Fox Contributor" before the ink is dry on his bouncing child support checks.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I personally badgered the shit out a several people who live in this district to first make sure they were registered then made sure they voted. They all reported back to me that they voted Tammy.

    • Callyson

      Snark off–thank you for your service.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      You are a true patriot, Sir!

      Do you by any chance have friends in the Minnesota 6th district. For next time?

    • sewollef

      They all reported back to me that they voted Tammy.

      Was that report back for the first vote only, or all subsequent times they voted?

  • SorosBot

    Look on the bright side, Joe; now that you're unemployed you actually have an excuse for failing to pay the child support.

    • glasspusher

      Hey, 'Bot, perhaps you, me and MissTaken could organize a little trip out south of Walnut Creek soon, to moon that Tea Party Jerk with the big "Obama, here's your pink slip!" sign. I can drive by there this afternoon, but ten bucks says he's taken it down and is using it to sob into…

      • MissTaken

        That would be the perfect way for me to work off my hangover today!

        • SorosBot

          Luckily it's National Hangover Day, so You Are Not Alone.

        • glasspusher

          I have to head to Lafayette from Hayward around 4 to 430…if you can make it the former, I can drop you at the latter. Otherwise, I know you'll be there in spirit, and will report on the presence or lack thereof of said sign.

          • MissTaken

            Can't make it today, but yes, I'll be there in spirit!

          • glasspusher

            I went by yesterday, the sign was gone, the frame remained, so I took a picture of me flipping it off and forwarded it to the tips line. Maybe the editrix will post it. Rich entitled asshole.

      • LePiston

        Danville is the armpit of Contra Costa. And that includes Pittsburg.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Okay. We're 10-8. And the number is 180 and the letter is G. There is no
          other possibility. And all you slimy fruitcakes in San Francisco are going
          to learn how to get to 180 and the letter G. I repeat, there is no other
          possibility. There is no other possib–
          The number is 180 and the letter is G. The first thing you have to do to
          get over to 180 and the letter G is to get into your vehicle and headEast.
          I repeat, you have to head East over the bridge. But before you get onto
          the bridge, around one big turn, you'll come up to the place where the sex
          chemicals burned up. I repeat, where the sex chemicals burned up. And of
          course you all must have heard about that on news center four…On your way
          to 180 and the letter G.
          And now we're on the bridge. That's nothing very much, but when you get on
          the other side of the bridge on your way to 180 and the letter G, you'll
          notice two things. First of all it's very important that you turn on your
          AM radio. Set it to 1010 on your dial, and let the radio frequency energy
          from K-101 overload your little tuner until it distorts very highly. And
          right at the point of that extreme distortion, there's the big chairs. I'm
          not exactly sure, but I think that's where all the sewer water from Oakland
          goes.
          And then, by then, you'll be out of all that distortion, and you'll be
          looking East, toward the hills, and if it's at night, you'll see the little
          red lights flashing on my favorite ham radio repeater station — that's WR6
          Automatic Bowel Movement.
          And any of you who are into jamming, keep talking, keep jamming, because
          I'll be listening on my scanner radio, and just maybe…you'll be on the
          next album.
          You come up to the tunnel. And now we're coming up to the tunnel. Up to
          the tunnel. And then as you get into the tunnel, you'll start to sense
          something. And then about halfway through the tunnel, something will
          suddenly hit you. You won't sense it a lot until you get almost through to
          the other side. You'll realize right then and there that you're entering
          Contra-Costa County. It's hard to explain [hard to explain, hard to
          explain], but you feel a certain way when you get into Contra-Costa County
          on your way to 180 and the letter G. There is absolutely no other
          possibility.
          And then you're gonna whisk out, out of the tunnel on the East side, in
          Contra-Costa County, where it's about 40 degrees warmer and the humidity is
          about 15 percent, and you'll just stay on that freeway all the way until
          you get to Martinas. When you're up to Martinas, you'll see a sign, a sign
          that says `G.' And you're just gonna go right on up there in your little
          vehicle and you're gonna turn left onto G.

        • glasspusher

          I dunno, I think Danville is pretty good- better than Pittsburgh, but Danville obviously has more than its share of rich entitled pricks.I drove by yesterday, the sign was gone but the frame for it was still there. I stopped to flip it off and get a picture. Maybe the editrix will post it.

  • kyeshinka

    Sad trombone sound. Bwaaahhhhhh

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Pour? Hell, I wouldn't waste any of my, um, precious bodily fluids on that waste of space.

    Welcome to Loserville Joe Walsh
    Population: You and Mittens

    • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

      Guess what? Allen West just moved in!

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Scottie stapledick Brown, also too.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I might piss on his grave, but that's about it.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Joe Walsh pokes his head out of the box where he has been sleeping, with a "funny hat" on. Then a raccoon pokes his head out too.

    This would be funnier if the hat was revealed to be the raccoon.

    • chicken_thief

      DONALD TRUMP LIBELZ!!!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh, WELL played sir!

        *polite golf clap*

        Martini?

    • mrpuma2u

      "Vivaldi's Spring swells romantically."

      I was thinking more like dueling banjos or the theme from Beverly Hillbillies.

  • ttommyunger

    Couldn't happen to a nicer guy….No, wait, I forgot about Cantor, oh well.

    • TootsStansbury

      Yeah that craven dickface oozed his way back in. Damn.

    • CogitoErgoBibo

      Yesterday, I was actually jealous of my ex who had the opportunity to vote against Cantor. Now that the offensive dumbass is back in office and will continue to represent my ex? Not so jealous.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Alan West, I think I'll miss you most of all.

    • RedneckMuslin

      I think Dorothy was a real low class bitch when she said exactly that to the scarecrow right in front of the lion and tinman.

      • HRH_Maddie

        Love the Family Guy scene depicting the goodbye:

        Brian: My god, this is more uncomfortable then the good-bye in the Wizard of Oz
        {Cut to Wizard of Oz}
        Dorothy: Good-bye Tin Man
        Tin Man: Good-bye Dorothy
        Dorothy: Good-bye Lion
        Lion: Good-bye Dorothy
        Dorothy: I think I'll miss you most of all Scarecrow
        Tin Man: Oh okay, kind of an odd thing to say
        Lion: Yeah sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us
        Tin Man: Kind of thought this was a team effort
        Lion: Yeah, yeah really glad I risked my life and everything
        Tin Man: Yeah, you're like 5 minutes from gone and you leave with that
        Lion: Yeah
        Tin Man: You know that's like cutting a huge fart and just walking out of the room.
        And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart
        Lion: Good-bye big fart

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      He was the one without a brain or a heart, wasn't he?

      • HRH_Maddie

        He was the one with the outstanding warrant for failure to pay child support.

        Edit: I'm getting my tinmen and scarecrows confused. Point is, they are both former congressmen.

    • Studebaker Hawk

      Our loss is Mrs. West's gain: "Get ready!"

    • BadKitty904

      Aim more carefully (with votes, etc.).

  • mbobier

    Couldn't happen to a more horrible guy….

  • SorosBot

    I'm having fun reading the sad comments over at Breitbart. America is dead, apparently, and Romney lost because he was not conservative enough, of course. HA HA!

    • PsycWench

      "To see your enemies driven before you and hear the lamentations of their women, that is what is good in life"

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        *shudder* Sounds eerily "spake by the prophets"~

      • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

        Conan (Ahnuld Schwarzenegger) sheds a tear

    • Bezoar

      Yeah, did I hear right this morning, Michael Steele say that Mittens lost because the Republicans failed to get their message out? Boy, talk about drawing the wrong lesson….

      • SorosBot

        And I've heard some far-right Republicans claim they could have won if they gave the nomination to Santorum. Yeah. The man who lost re-election by 18 fucking points, whose name has literally become a joke. Him.

      • bikerlaureate

        What was their actual message, then? Actually herding women and browns and poors into the sea?

    • gingerland62

      Please Please GOP become more conervative. that will guarantee Dem victories for years to come. We can always hope rick Santorum will be the next presidential candidate.

    • T3rbo

      Yes, just like how Hitler lost WWII because he was not Hitler-y enough. Nothing to see here, move on…

    • Terry

      Keep talking like that, wingnuts, and you'll end the Republican Party entirely.

      • Jerri

        Yes…keep talking like that. Muahahaha.

    • Callyson

      I am *so* glad that *they* are the ones having the tedious "we weren't true to our principles, that's why we lost" discussion. I could not handle a return to 2000 or 2004…

    • viennawoods13

      Oh, and Beyonce was "coarse" for saying, "take that, Mitches!". Fetch me my smelling salts, I do declare!

  • FakaktaSouth

    You know this guy is still making himself feel better by knowing now he won't even have an income for his ex-wife to come after for the kids, because, family values.

    • prommie

      Fucking fuckety-fuck on fucking toast. I don't wanna even think of this shit. Ya can't earn an income in jail, i think they only pay like a dollar a day into your commisary account.

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm drinker than Stephanie Miller, but not as much as Diane Sawyer. So happy this ratfucker is gone.

    • Limeylizzie

      What was up with Diane last night?

      • commiegirl99

        was she as pilled up as during that GOP debate?

        • Limeylizzie

          Didn't notice, but man, she was hopped up on goofballs last night.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            It sounded more like she'd had a stroke. Or jaw surgery.

            But I was sure she was drunk when she declared "Mitt Chardonnay" the winner in Ida-fuck-know…

      • freakishlywrong

        She was drink. Fucking IPad.

        • TootsStansbury

          These iPads are sort of a pain in the arse.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    All I want for Christmas is to no longer remember these has-been's names or why they were douchebags.

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Yes, please let the assholes fade from the national conscious. Or at least, mine.

  • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

    God bless America

  • Goonemeritus

    He needed to spend more time at home not supporting his family anyway.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I know it's unlikely from here in Az., but I'm gonna try to piss on former Congressman Walsh . With any luck, the stream will hit Jeff Flake instead.

  • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

    My Maseratti goes 185. I lost my license; now I don't drive.
    -J. Walsh

  • Lucidamente1

    Don't cry, Editrix: you'll still have Joe Barton and Louie Gohmert to kick around.

    • PugglesRule

      Barton and Gohmert are still wingnuts, but they're not nearly as unhinged as Walsh. I will miss his unhingedery (?) … wait, no, I won't.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Walsh and West new American hobos. Ooops, Faux News on line one for the lucky duo, seems Fux needs to replace some of their commentariate who leapt from the windows last night.

    • Callyson

      God, FOX must be overwhelmed by the number of resumes it is getting.

      Isn't this a beautiful day?

    • Living in Joy

      You know it will be West. They need to up the minority representation. Plus he's fucking nuts and will fit right in.

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      They have pensions.

  • chicken_thief

    I could only be happier this fucker losing if Ryan had also lost his House seat.

    • PugglesRule

      Which makes you wonder, what the hell is wrong with Ryan's district?? I will have to check the presidential results in WI-1 to see if the President actually defeated Miffed there.

  • Biff

    Sadly, I'm stuck with Dean Heller's reptilian grin for the next 4 years.

  • bibliotequetress

    Every time my poor hungover head throbs like a cartoon bomb about to explode, I think of how Allen West feels this morning and it's like a little aspirin of Schadenfreud.

  • sbj1964

    Akin,Walsh,Murdoc all gone?Looks like things around here might get boring.Naw the GOP is full of these Jackasses.

    • omrala

      Don't worry, you'll also still have the critters that 2/3rds of Texas throws up to Washington. (…says the Austin-ite, whose creatively-shaped district stretches all the way out to the Houston suburbs…)

  • MinAgain

    I cannot rejoice in Walsh's defeat, because equally reprehensible hypocrite Scott DesJarlais won his race in Tennessee's 4th Congresional District. Oh, Tennessee, why do you continue to break my heart?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yes, but Steve Cohen SPANKED odious turtle fucker George Flinn in the 9th. So sanity remains, at least in this corner of the state.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Forget it, Min. It's Tennessee…

    • Barrelhse

      A fucking Frenchman, for chrissake.

  • SorosBot

    Still no call on Florida; good thing it doesn't matter this time around or we'd all be having horrifying flashbacks to 2000.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Pardon the blogwhore here, but this was never in doubt.

      • glasspusher

        I was messaging back and forth with my good blue friend in Winter Haven Florida, who was shitting bricks all last night while I tried to tell her this was going to happen. Soooo fucking cool.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    We still have Steve King and Louis Gohmert, at least, right?

    No shortage of assholes in congress.

    • sewollef

      Damn. You mean to say, Louis Gohmert is a real person and not a Loony Tunes cartoon character?

      Where's my head been all these months…

  • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

    I know it's too much to ask, but Joe Walsh getting arrested for not paying child support on top of all that would be really great!

  • Mahousu

    On the bright side, now that he doesn't have a job, he may be able to get out of paying child support. (Not that he was ever going to anyway.) Plus, it's easier to get away from the process servers when you don't have a fixed address.

    I agree with Barbara Bush; I think this is working out very well for him.

  • GregComlish

    Fuck this bullshit!

    Wonkette: Cover the real story. Legalized Marijuana sweeps the nation in fullment of Cheech Marin's drug-addled prophecy. Obama abolishes DEA. New Drug Czar encourgaged to share his stash. Bong Hits 4 Jesus.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      BongHits4Jesus was a notable commenter here, once.

      Ok ok now back to the subject at hand!
      /digressing

    • Barrelhse

      I musta got stoned.

  • Bezoar

    Now let's start putting "surveyor's marks" on some Republican-held congressional districts. (With votes, of course! What else?)

  • glasspusher

    Republicans: you drive out your moderates and have lost the popular vote in 5 of the last 6 national elections. Isn't it time to clue in?

    • SorosBot

      Who knew that a coalition that does not look like America but consists entirely of old white people might lose?

      (And whenever the TV turned over to the sad Romney headquarters last night, I looked around and never saw one non-white person, aside from some of the reporters).

      • DCBloom

        Not just white. Every woman there was blonde, Weird really.

        • SorosBot

          It's a law that conservative women must dye their hair blonde; no brunettes allowed. Weird because dark hair generally looks better.

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

            Dark hair and fair eyes is literally the most attractive look on earth, for anybody. This is pretty much just an unequivocal fact.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            It's as if blonde is a social signaling mechanism, where the subject indicates their pliability to a moneyed authority by enduring a bleaching process upon their skull. Just sayin.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Whoaaaaa.

            I can prove you're wrong.

            Imagine a brunette Ann Coulter.

            Defense rests, your honor.

          • BornInATrailer

            Coulter better blonde vs. brunette? I think you might be splitting hairs there. And by hairs I mean Ann's enormous floppy cock.

        • PugglesRule

          It's easier to tell who's a Stepford Wife if they're all blonde.

      • glasspusher

        Indeed. When your base is old white people and their parents, and you can't win Florida, that's a bad sign.My old county in Florida, Pasco, chose Romney 52 to 46 %. It's just north of Hillsborough, which includes Tampa, which went blue by nearly a mirror image.

    • prommie

      Here is a guaranteed lock of a prediction: The GOP will conclude that they lost because they were not conservative enough, and not christian enough. Next time, they will nominate the corpse of Jefferson Davis, or else find some drooling snake-handling illiterate white supremacist christian soldier of some kind. Just watch. They just cannot stop digging that hole they are in deeper and deeper.

      • UnholyMoses

        This. A million times.

        These fuckers know in their shriveled up hearts and damaged brains that the ideology can never fail — it can only be failed.

        That was the genius (in some ways) of running Mittens: They can say he lost 'cause he wasn't a True Conservative and, thus, nominate someone who makes Michelle Bachmann look sane in comparison.

        I have no faith it will go any other way.

      • Callyson

        Next time, they will nominate the corpse of Jefferson Davis

        So I'm not the only one who thinks they will go with Santorum? Oh Lord, Dan Savage will be fun to read in 2016 if that disaster happens…

      • glasspusher

        That would be amazing. I was kind to my fundamentalist christian bro in law (safely in NJ) this morning and said I'd love to have a talk with him the next time we get together, I consider him a somewhat reasonable man.

  • StarsUponThars

    I was so excited about binders full of women winning, pot legalization passing, rape apologists losing, and marriage equality gaining ground that I totally missed this Dbag getting the boot. It's Morning in America!

    • Terry

      Dream Act passed in Md, too. Yay for education rather than racial profiling!

  • mavenmaven

    We need a happy picture of Alan Grayson on Wonkette, perhaps with My Little Ponies. I'm so happy about his return.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      And Jerry Brown forced a tax increase through in California, to help balance the budget and assist the education system.

      The granddaddy of all Teabag states, California, just had a stroke.

      • MissTaken

        http://www.sfgate.com/politics/article/Democrats-

        The Dems got a super-majority in the California legislature. Finally some fucking budgets can be passed!

        • SorosBot

          Yay!

        • Callyson

          YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

          ETA: about fucking time!

          YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • bobbert

          Oh, if that just holds up.

    • prommie

      I love Alan Grayson. Its like having our own genuine Wonkette Congressman! He is truly one of us!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        He's bald and wears white T shirts over his plaster boobies?

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Reminds me of the time I made out with a tranny.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        I'm sorry, his stuff is not that funny.

    • Bodeburu

      I almost – but not quite – regret that West didn't get re-elected. Would love to have been there when the FL Congressional delegation got together. Think West would have fired off a round past Grayson's ear?

  • ChrisM2011

    Did Ron Paul win yet????

    • mavenmaven

      Yes, but the media ignored it as always.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Poor deadbeat dad, just think back on all you've achieved. or not.

  • glasspusher

    It is nice to see a blue archipelago on the county map of the country snaking from Maryland through VA,NC,SC,GA,AL, MS and ending in AR and LA. Southern Texas also is becoming quite blue. Plenty of folks in those states are happy today as well.

    • Bezoar

      Love to see that; got a link?

      • glasspusher

        Check out “counties” on the lefthttp://elections.nytimes.com/2012/results/president

  • SexySmurf

    OT Tester just won Montana. Also, the first Buddhist Senator was elected last night (the invasion begins) and the only (admitted) atheist in Congress lost.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      While I'm not crazy about Tester, he's been loyal to the party as far as I can recall. Except on the DREAM Act.

      • SorosBot

        He's pretty right-wing for a Dem, but then he's from fucking Montana so that's understandable. It's not like he's a right-wing Democrat from a solidly liberal state like, to pick one totally at random, Connecticut; someone like that would be a real asshole.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          As someone said about him, he's your grandfather's Democrat.

          Still, he's pro-choice, pro-science, and pro-environment. And the few times he's balked, he's had better reasons than "legitimate rape" or "those people". I can respect that, even if Facetime Markos can't.

  • Come here a minute

    Don't be too sorry for Congressman Walsh — life's been good to him so far.

    WARNING: Last chance for your rock star Joe Walsh jokes!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I guess he'll be doing his own dirty laundry from now on. No more bubbleheaded bleach blonde….

      • bobbert

        Wrong Eagle.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      There's still a James Gang around:
      James O'Keefe
      James Jordon
      James White

    • DCBloom

      There's a Rocky Mountain Way joke here somewhere….

    • Bezoar

      "It's tough to handle this fortune and fame; everyone is so different, I haven't changed"

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    If you look at the national map county by county, you can target the nuke from space much more precisely!

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Strange how so many of the locales with the blues are urban or university towns.

      Speaking of the blues, maybe one nite we should have a nationwide meetup in 12 bars and use our cells and pads so we can sing a loud chorus of the blues.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Oh man! That would be incredible!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        It's not strange, actually. And you can clearly see the South's Black Belt.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Robert Johnson's crossroads appears blue.

    • Lot_49

      The boundaries of Republic of Dumbfuckistan are not so clearly drawn when you view it that way.

      Odd though: only three counties in MO (the ones containing KC, StL and Columbia, where the U is) voted for Obama. Alabama looks diverse by comparison.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        I think I see Fakakta waving her shirt over her head!!

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Easy now! My entire family voted for Obama but our county in Maryland went to Romney by just 3000 votes. Please, don't throw out the baby with the bath water.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Dude, it would be much easier for them to use the map for that purpose than us!

  • DCBloom

    OT, but did anyone see the butthurt from Hasselbitch on the View? Priceless.

    • njstore

      Yeah. And the rest of the ladies just stepped around that shit. Could Barbara Walters just go away now. No one cares what she has to say.

  • TootsStansbury

    OT I don't know if it's been said, and I am not the gloating type. But Yertle the Turtle? Suck it!

  • Lot_49

    The lesson here is that, outside of MN-6, the majority of people do not to be represented by comically inept jackasses.

    Oh, and there's one other exception: US America, 2004-08.

  • BoroPrimorac

    We may have lost West and Walsh, but the great state of Texas just gave us senator Ted Cruz for six fucking years.

    • omrala

      We'll always have Texas. (Greetings from Austin, the major city with no congressional representation.)

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Has Gerry Mander been evangelizing in those parts?

  • SorosBot

    And they probably will. Even as they lost more Senate seats that probably would have gone GOP if they hadn't nominated nutcases just like with O'Donnell and Angle in 2010. Who knew that forcing women to have rape babies would be a big political loser?

  • T3rbo

    I'm hungover, but at least I'm not hungover and a republican, that must be the worst feeling in the world.

    O/T: Fucking redstate.com is a comedy GOLD MINE today.

    30 Reasons Republicans Lost The Election: 1)They Allowed Democrats To Pick Their Nominee For Them. A succession of potential Republican nominees -– Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich –- were bright, attractive, and have compelling narratives

    I think this piece is satire, not sure? Most of it is IN BOLD LETTERS, (FUCK!) so it is a very serious, reasoned piece of satire

    • elviouslyqueer

      Speaking of Freida Frozentwat, somebody's being awfully quiet today.

      • SorosBot

        I haven't heard anything today from Andrew Breitbart…

        • Nostrildamus

          251 days and counting. When will he end his silence ?!?!?!

        • Bodeburu

          Perhaps, as the Munchkin Coroner said, he is "well and truly dead".

      • T3rbo

        Ha, that shit is funny, too. Read the comments on her latest post, "Don't lose heart, This election is not a mandate for Obama." Those people are fucking BUMMED-someone wrote it was the end of the world. Their words. Someone also said Sarah Palin's words were beautiful. Even better:

        Millions more people turned out to vote for Romney than did for Obummer, the election was and is a sham…the country is finished. Arm yourselves, and prepare for the inevitable Russian and Chinese invasion.

        Russian invasion, indeed.

        Sarah please run in 2018 .. or when they impeach this Obama fraud

        2018?

        and, finally

        If a party can't beat a lying imposter dictator like obomba then they have lost period. If you and others who have a public voice do not start a NEW PARTY of THE PEOPLE outside of God's personal intervention the USA just died last night. and personally I don't think God is as much interested in the USA as HE is in Israel and we just spit in His face. Not a good thing to do

        • elviouslyqueer

          Don’t look to government or any politician to solve your problems. Government can’t make you happy, healthy, wealthy or wise.

          This, from a former state governor and failed vice-presidential candidate.

          I believe this earned a coveted EQ Oh Bitch PLEASE.

          • T3rbo

            Right? Government is the cause of problems, so therefore, elect me. WTF.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            If he had added "don't vote," I would be right behind him. Those fucking dopes need constant discouragement.

    • BlueStateLibel

      Oh my, the whining over there is just priceless. "We should be more conservative," "No less."

    • SorosBot

      I'm just looking through RedState too; HA HA! And yes, they really think Romney lost because he wasn't far right-wing enough. Keep fuckin' that chicken, Republicans!

      • T3rbo

        They don't have a fucking CLUE, it's great. No one realizes that their plan to run radical right wing fucks only works about 30 miles outside of a major metropolitan area and in the Republic of Texas. Even better, their ideas to run an ultraconservative will have ever diminishing returns as *gasp* the country gets less white over time. How much longer can Texas be a red state if we keep electing presidents who refuse to build that 2000 mile border fence?????!!!!???

    • SorosBot

      Oh my, the "To the Extent that Conservatism Was on the Ballot, It Was Not Defeated" piece is comedy gold. For example, "Akin and Mourdock blew it with career-killing gaffes, not with ideology.". The only "gaffe" either made was revealing their actual ideology of wanting government to force women to stay pregnant with rape babies, moran; it was their very ideology that was repellant.

      • T3rbo

        Nah, that wasn't it. My mom (missouri regan voter) is totally into forcing women who are raped into a corner, she just isn't into rudely discussing these things outside of quiet rooms. Hahaha no not really-to her, Romney WAS Aikin. I talked to her last night, briefly, while playing iphone skype cameraman for her teleconference with our toddler. She had the strange idea that Romney would limit access to contraception, degrade women who are raped, and take food off that rape baby's table. If the right could have only cleaned up the way they presented this plan, I'm sure she would have been all in.

    • Lot_49

      "In what do Ohioans believe? I thought I knew, but am really confused after last night."

      Let me clear it up for you, Redstate commenter: They believe it wouldn't make sense to vote for a guy who said Fuck You to the most important industry in the state.

      • T3rbo

        Or, they voted for the guy who uh saved all of their jobs. Nah, that's not it-Romney just wasn't clear enough on his plan to cut taxes for rich people as hard as he could.

  • prommie

    But what happened to Not-Joe the Not-Plumber?

    • T3rbo
    • BadKitty904

      I wonder if he'll have to get a real job now…

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        He ought to feel fortunate that we have a real job creator in the White House, then

    • SexySmurf

      He's now Not-Congressman Not-Joe the Not-Plumber.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        A Not-ty problem, to be sure. Soon he'll be Not-Remembered.

    • GeorgiaBurning

      likely VP candidate- American Independent Party- 2016

  • christianmuslin

    Maybe Obama will appoint Romney Ambassador to Mexico.

    • BadKitty904

      Ambassador to Kolob, I'm thinking…

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    I would miss you Joe Walsh, but I already know too many assholes. Please just consider yourself one less prick on the rosebush.

    • Nostrildamus

      Eloquent.

  • fawkedifiknow

    That picture of Walsh. He has what we used to call a "shit-eating grin." Does he have that shit-eating grin on his face this morning?, I wonder.

    • Lot_49

      He's blaming women. "Bitch set me up!"

  • UnholyMoses

    I'd prefer a montage of him paying his fucking child support.

  • BadKitty904

    Headline over at Daily Kos, in re: Karl Rove:

    "Well, it's Wednesday morning and President Obama still won Ohio … "

    BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

    • T3rbo

      :(

      From the KOS:

      "Many Republicans are still in denial and disbelief about Mitt Romney's big loss to President Barack Obama, looking for ways to unskew the results"

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      Last night I really, really thought that Rove's tantrum over Ohio was him buying time for the voting machine hacks to kick in and I was a-skeered.

  • Pragmatist2

    Hey! Let's start a fund called "Support Joe's Kids!" and when we get enough contributions from Walsh fans, let's use it to throw a party (to which Walsh's kids would be invited).

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Sorry gang, Az. voters decided to remain part of the U.S.

    AZ State sovereignty referendum fails
    http://www.kpho.com/story/19857676/hold-propositi

    • BadKitty904

      Puerto Rico, on the other hand, is getting…interesting…

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Saw that in Teh' Ville.
        Sends a message I guess.

  • SorosBot

    We'll also have to say goodbye to old entitled Egg Romney; her crazy-eyed death-glare of hate after Mittens' concession last night should be the last we have to see of her. Goodbye, Egg!

  • hagajim

    Saddest thing about this asshole losing is that he now has a pension and health care forfuckingever!

  • BadKitty904

    OK, one more Kos quote and I'll quit, I promise:

    "No, ex-Congressman West, you're saying it wrong. It's 'Would you like fries with that?,' not 'Are you a communist sympathizer?.' Ex-congressman Walsh, would you please show him how to do it?"

    • T3rbo

      We wish-these assholes are just going to join some bullshit think tank, where all of the thinking involves how to suck rich Kochs off

      • BadKitty904

        They both have "future Faux News pundit" smeared all over 'em…

        • T3rbo

          Oh god, great. West is for sure going down that road-I can see him and the snowbilly having a talk show where they just spout grammatically questionable conspiracy theories to each other. yuck.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    It's safe to say that last night's election results were brought to you by the letters "F" and "U"

    • BadKitty904

      Well played, Actor!

    • http://wonkette.com/ outragedcitizen

      Thank you, Big Bird and Sesame Street!

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Gawd, living in Chicago, we had to suffer through a million Joe Walsh ads on the TV. In one of them, he had one of his sons on-air telling everyone to leave his Dad alone, and there were pictures of Joe with wife and family. I just followed the Wonkette trail back to the Sun-Times article that explains the whole Joe Deadbeat debacle: It turns out he has remarried, his kids are mostly adults now, and his ex-wife was suing him for money he owed throughout the 2000's. So he put up lying TV spots for low-information voters that made it look like the Deadbeat thing was just some wild rumor and he and his wife have no issues!
    http://www.suntimes.com/6720892-417/tea-party-rep

  • cheetojeebus

    A buddy movie; Joe and Allen attempt to drive from Key West to Anchorage to visit Sarah. We follow their travails as their banger Datsun B210 rust bucket craps out every couple of days and folks along the way recognize them and give em a kick in the ass.

    • Living in Joy

      Someone get TLC on the phone STAT. This is a great suggestion but let's make a weekly series.

      • One_who_wanders

        And TLC can figure out various jobs for them to do to pay for gas, food,and repairs.

  • Mittaplasia

    Bill OhReally said the demographic changed and 50% of the people cast their vote for Obama because they want "stuff". I can't even watch their crap when I'm in a gloaty mode and BTW, I still don't have an Obama phone from the last time!

  • FNMA

    To quote Frank from "God Bless America," "Yeah, that's a real fucking shame."

  • lulzmonger

    Nuke Walsh from orbit, just to be sure … & by "nuke from orbit," of course what I mean is "flush twice."

  • CindynEncinitas

    Hold the phone! The 52nd is too close to call!!!! Still!!! OMFG! Could we really get rid of Bilbray? It's like a beautiful dream!!!!

  • pdiddycornchips

    It was a bad day to be a wingnut douchebag.