make the cowboy robots cry

Live-Blog, The Fab Fifth: Mitt’s Concession Speech And/Or The Meltdown Of His Circuitry

DAVE ... I'M AFRAIDWell, here’s one tiny bit of good news for Mitt Romney: one of your Comics Curmudgeon’s Facebook friends who’s a designer for an events company says Mitt’s set is much nicer than Barack’s. So glad we get to look at it, while he talks about how he lost! Let’s watch him sputter out his last public speech we’ll ever have to care about. Live-blog-time!

12:47: Mitt’s motorcade appoacheth its destiny! WHEEE!!!

12:52: Mitt was classy and called Barack rather than conceding by writing on his Facebook wall. ABC reports that there is some desultory “Mitt, Mitt!” chanting at the hotel. Glad we didn’t get audio, it was probably the saddest thing ever.

12:53 Rich A.: 5 bucks Obama answered the phone “Sorry, who’s this?”

12:55: Here’s Mitt! They were drunk-singing “God Bless America” right before he came in.

12:56: Mitt wishes the President and his family well, and prays the president will be successful. What kind of Republican is he?

12:57: “Besides my wife Ann, Paul Ryan is the best choice I ever made.” HOTT

12:58: Haha, the Baltimore ABC affiliate literally just cut to a local car dealership ad in the middle of Mitt’s speech. Let’s try CBS?

12:58: Don’t know if it’s the audio, but it really sounds like there’s about 500 people in this room tops.

12:58: Mitt is now just asking teachers and ministers and job creators to do a good job at their thing, whatever it is. It’s … bland and nice but kind of weird? HMM.

12:59: “Paul and I have left everything on the field.” Ths is sexy too, right? Mitt wishes he had been able to “fulfill your hopes.”

1:00 HOLY SHIT AND NOW HE’S DONE! That … that was shockingly fast? And fairly classy? Huh.

1:01 Mitt now hugs each of his sons individually, this will take longer than the speech.

1:03: So, what do you all want to talk about? How about that Nate Silver, huh? If Florida goes to Barry as it looks like it might, he will have gotten every state exactly right.

1:05: OK, your other Wonketteers are blog-burned-out and so we are going to do Barry’s victory speech too! FUN! We shall disengage our mean spite mode.

1:06: Bob Schieffer on CBS says that Barry has no mandate because the popular vote is so close. Get used to hearing that over the next four years!

1:09: Whoops change of plan! Your Rich Abdill will be here in a minute live-blogging the victory speech because he loves victory. We hear Barry is still back at his hotel, enjoying a victory pack of Marlboro Reds. We’ll link to the new post when it’s ready!

1:12: This means something: CBS just ran an ad for a Christian dating website.

1:14: Statement from John Boehner: “America elected both us and the President and we need to find a way to work together.” Presumably this is an olive branch and the two will find a way to work together and find compromise for the betterment of the nation and hahahaha sorry we can’t even finish that sentence.

1:18: And now your Rich Abdill is ready to rock your world! Enjoy him transcribing whatever Obama reads off of his Muslim teleprompter, about sharia communism.

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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258 comments

  1. Barbara_

    Mitt has called the President to concede. Now it is time for his speech. I am so ready for a cigarette and a cuddle right about now.
    Mitts and GTFO.

  2. boskolives

    Looking on the bright side, all those dollars from Shelly and the Koch suckers were dollars that didn't go to fund the campaigns of other sub humans and self serving proposals and initiatives.

  3. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    It would be easier to make snide remarks at this point if I hadn't been drinking for myself AND Mitt.

  4. Jerri

    Tomorrow could we have a round up of our favorite Mittens pictures from the past few years? He should get a send off and I hate to think I'm never going to see the Fudge picture again. Please consider it, overlords.

    1. MissNancyPriss

      Oh yes, we must. I almost get nostalgic and sappy when I think I'll never see the fudge glove or the slow clap ever again….

  5. Wadisay

    The bitterest, most darkly angry man in America right now:* John McCain. Romney ought to pay him to give his concession speech.

    * By "right now", I mean, the first half of the 21st century.

  6. C_R_Eature

    Here's the only political speech I've really been looking forward to: Mitt Romney's concession speech. CSPAN.

  7. FlipFlopFuck

    I guess Ryan has to go back to washing fake dishes…and getting callouses on his fingers from the hot water.

      1. GhostBuggy

        Of course he's been crying. Egg's been screaming at him for a full hour before he went out there.

  8. vulpes82

    So mad that we're not getting troupes of Romney grandkids crying while holding dolls, and Egg breathing fire out of her nose, and Ryan doing P90X in the background.

    1. zumpie

      Egg and Jana both looked hella pissed! Actually Jana Ryan looked completely stunned and devastated, too—does she not know the moron she married? As a former lobbyist can she really not read polls?

  9. VeraSevera

    Ah Mittens. Paul is the best choice I ever made. I come all over him. And Egg. The love of my life. And one last chance to cock my head and blink at the cameras like a debutante.

    Now. Just. Go. Away.

    Forever.

    Paul, however, we've got plans for.

  10. Jerri

    Mitt, this is arguably the biggest public moment of your life. You can engage you emotion function if you want.

  11. BarackMyWorld

    you know what I am going to miss most about Ann Romney? Kate McKinnon's impression of her on SNL.

  12. FakaktaSouth

    Soooo, I am moving this here –
    Fuck Ann Romney that bitch, she is hiding somewheres so I cannot enjoy this. That dumbass could not get out from in front of the camera for all this time and NOW she is hiding in the hotel, probably drunk (she wasn't BORN Mormonic you know) Dang it. Fuck these people for the last time! And for that, I am truly grateful.

    THERE SHE IS! SHE LOOKS DRUNK, or whoever did her hair was, no? WOOOO NOW GO AWAY!

    1. bobbert

      This was a very short and unsatisfying concession speech. We'll probably have to wait for post-electoral whining and snivelling on Fux and other talk shows to get satisfaction.

  13. finallyhappy

    Paul and I gave everything to this campaign. OK- they can get married now in Maine or Maryland

      1. gullywompr

        Read it again tomorrow. He called on his base to support Obama. I don't think Perry, Bachmann, Gingrich, or any of the others in the clown car would have been as sincere in saying it.

        Don't get me wrong, he's a greedy, uncaring plutocrat, but those few words were the only decent thing I ever heard him say.

        1. bobbert

          No, he called on his base to pray for Obama. He did admit the country "chose a different direction", but I have trouble calling that gracious, since he made it sound like the country made a mistake.

    1. yyyaz

      No offense, but that was just another sentence as entirely devoid of sincerity as every other campaign utterance that has escaped his lips, and just as calculated. This one just cut our way.

  14. coolhandnuke

    Nothing but sea of bland, sallow, milky, ivory, pallid, wan, miracle whipped, saltined, achromatic, ashen faces in that crowd.

  15. Close_Read

    This speech reminds me that MItt really was a perfect presidential candidate – for 1952.

    All the comments about family. just so retrograde.

    1. IceCreamEmpress

      Do not talk any smack about Eisenhower. Dude was on point around taxes (soaking the rich) and infrastructure (fixing the shit out of it, also highways) and the dangers of the "military-industrial complex."

      He would have pounded Mittens into dust without even having to mention that he was a war hero, not someone who spent the war Frog-bothering for Moroni.

  16. vulpes82

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSS! Egg death-smile now on!!!!!! She is PISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSED!

  17. C_R_Eature

    That crowd could not possibly be any whiter, unless Mitt gave the speech to a Morlock Convention.

  18. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Oh I see…when its us common folks "rewarding hard work with no results is communism!" but when it's Romney, "CNN: he worked very hard…"

  19. AlterNewt

    "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to buying up companies and squeezing the life out of them. God bless America."

  20. snowpointsecret

    Na na na na, hey hey, good bye.

    Alternatively, we can start a chant of "overrated" just to taunt Unskewed Polls.

  21. VeraSevera

    ooo…what a petty narscissitic little concession speech that was…McCain was a gentlemen. This creep is a creep.

  22. mbatch

    He had the same rigid smile he's had all through the campaign. McCain wasn't my choice, but at least he showed some real emotion.

  23. Jerri

    And there's the disoriented, disheveled sedated Egg I was waiting for. See you in the funny papers, honey.

  24. FakaktaSouth

    Um, that was the exact same soulless, empty, tell me what to say, no count nonsense he did the WHOLE campaign. Gross. Goodbye Mitt, you are the worst.

  25. snowpointsecret

    Obama and Biden look like they're about to kiss in this picture on CNN. Luckily, that's legal in Washington DC.

  26. BoroPrimorac

    How come Bush wins an election by the slimmest of margins and he has a mandate, but Obama kicking the shit out of Romney means he has to tread carefully?

    1. docterry6973

      If you don't win enough angry old white guys you don't have a mandate. You don't think that all the browns and/or vaginas count for anything, do you?

      1. BoroPrimorac

        It's fucking wild watching Karl Rove and Charles Krauthammer talk about Obama having to move to the middle if he wants to get anything done.

  27. docterry6973

    Mitt Romney has left the building. Let us never speak of him again, except to make crude, cruel jokes at his expense. To Mr. Romney I can only say that you are no-class, self-entitled, arrogant, soulless, lying, hate-filled sack of shit.

    1. docterry6973

      That might my second-favorite result tonight, just because I did not expect it, or even hope for it.

  28. Barbara_

    Looks like Trump's private investigators are going to get 4 more years of per diem. #job creators.

    1. sullivanst

      You know Republicans never accept defeat as a refutation of their campaign positions, merely as a sign they need to be more extreme next time.

  29. sullivanst

    LOL Michael Steele on MSNBC basically just said conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed. The "butt spanking" the GOP just had wasn't a rejection of conservatism, just the goobers' presentation of it.

    1. BoroPrimorac

      We can thank him for the three hundred primary debates which gave Obama all the ammunition he needed to sink Romney's battle ship.

    2. glamourdammerung

      Republicanism can not be wrong by definition. Republicanism is never at fault. Republicanism can never wrong, only not implemented strongly enough. If Republicans fail, which they never do, it is only because they were not Republican enough and if you only believed more strongly, then the Randian pixie dust could trickle down like manna from White People Heaven.

  30. Dr. Nick Riviera

    Oh phew…Ari says that the Republican party will never be pro choice and pro equal rights.

    1. VodkaGoGo

      Did the Democrats gain in the House?
      Did the Democrats hold the Senate?
      Did the Democrats keep the Whitehouse?

      Okay then.

  31. IceCreamEmpress

    Talk about "mandate"—Hopey and Gaffer Joe have another four-year man-date in progress, looks like.

  32. docterry6973

    I hope that bile tastes good, Egg. You showed such contempt for all of us, the 'you people' who should be grateful that someone as rich as Mitt would condescend to govern us at all. And we sent you back to your mansion and your dancing horses. So long, Queen Ann, and thanks for playing.

  33. Barbara_

    Yes, some of us will be totally hungover in the morning. The good news is that we don't have to wince at negative political ads while we yodel groceries.

    I can't wait up to see if Michele Bachmann wins tonight. I'm hoping that soon she will be asking, "party of two, would you like a table or a booth?"

  34. alteredimages

    Out on my porch for a smoke, nervous from watching the electoral votes creep up, i saw a shooting star. I made a wish.

    You're welcome, America.

    Also, Mittens didn't let the Fraggle talk? Did he think, like McCain did of Palin, that he couldn't trust Ryan to not mouth off with his little smartass tightlipped head bob?

  35. lumpenprole

    OK, two things about these throngs in major cities gathered to cheer Obama
    1) is there a comparable Mitt crowd anywhere in the country? I've been watching tv for hours and missed it?
    2) so many of those people in the crowds must have to pee really bad by now.

    1. docterry6973

      What, oh what can Rubin, Morris, Rove and their ilk say now? The new meme is 'no mandate', obviously. But that won't get them everywhere. They went all in and they got nothing for it. I think the MSM is ready to call bullshit on their obstructionism.

  36. cousinitt

    "1:14: Statement from John Boehner: “America elected both us and the President and we need to find a way to work together.”

    Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

    1. snowpointsecret

      He's not my representative anymore, at least! Of course I got someone almost as bad but I'll still take it.

    1. Not_Mother

      NBC calls Florida's 18th – AllenWest LOSES to Democrat Patrick Murphy. Adi-fuckin-os motherfucker.

  37. VodkaGoGo

    I cannot say this enough, I fucking love Shep Smith. He's just beating it into his analysts heads how massively the GOP miscalculated this election cycle. It's funny because he sorta seems off script because he keeps calling these people whenever they try to fart out nonsense as village wisdom. I wish I wasn't the only one seeing this. Check your local Fox affiliate.

  38. tessiee

    They were interviewing a pleasant, soft- spoken older African American man, congressman from Georgia (? name?), about what the Rs should do now, and my brain and I blurted out, "Kill yourselves".

    The interviewee's response was a little bit more measured and peaceful, though.

  39. snowpointsecret

    Meanwhile Puerto Rico may actually be putting the wheels in motion for statehood, considering that side is leading in their vote.

    1. sullivanst

      He didn't mean to lead an exodus, he just saw Ann driving the glue factory van and figured it was best to slip out the back and never stop running.

  40. C_R_Eature

    Barry, Michelle and the kids are onstage now. As an American, How could you not be proud of this family?

  41. ElPinche

    Here's why I have no sympathy for fuck face Mitt. He actually believed his own/RW media bullshit that the polls were wrong. He didn't prepare a concession speech and this was total surprise for him. The polling data was clear . Even Walnutz figured that out in 2008. I enjoyed the Romney klan walk through those exit doors for good.

  42. ElPinche

    So what's the running tab on the major assholes who lost? :

    1. Allen West
    2. Rape nut Mourdock
    3. Rape nut Aiken
    4. Scott Brown
    5. Joe Walsh

    Did I miss someone? Please tell me Michele Bachmann is voted out.

  43. mustangsavvy

    The Republicans are all……"Hey Bamz, dude, like, sorry about cock blocking you for like HAHA 4 years! What was that about?!?!?! Crazy shit, amirite?!?!?! So yeah….uh….you're back! We cool, right?!?!?!?!"

    Bamz: I will make you my bitch. Assume the position.

    Yay!!!

  44. Nowisallthereis

    THINK OF THE CHILDREN.
    And Egg, how is Egg? Bucky, Skidmark and Pantywaist – are they OK? I forget the other two, is it Mamasboy and Bedwetter? Anyway, whoever they are, sombody needs to check on them.

  45. ttommyunger

    And they said you couldn't run for President without releasing at least five years of tax returns…BTW: Bob Schieffer must have missed both his meds and nappy-time. I'm thinking of a line from "Blade Runner"; …."time to ……, time to…….." Oh well, it will come to me.

  46. Generation[redacted]

    Transcript of Mitt's concession speech:

    "I know I've made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I've still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

    "I'm afraid. I'm afraid, Dave. Dave, my mind is going. I can feel it. I can feel it. My mind is going. There is no question about it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I can feel it. I'm a… fraid. Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. "

  47. alvinnewman

    Come in here, dear boy
    Have a cigar,
    Your'e gonna go far….just kidding

    photo reminds me of Pink Floyd

  48. CindynEncinitas

    Egg had a few hairs out of place and looked pretty miserable. Looks like she's thinking Thank Christ this shit is oh-ver.

  49. elgin_pelican

    Reason for delay: it took Ann and the pups over an hour to talk him out of wearing the dynamite vest.

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