AAAAAND WE’RE BACK! Hello, Wonketteers, and welcome to our election-night orgy of zingers and Wolf Blitzer insults. We have broken it up into hour-long posts, to prevent these things from getting too long and unwieldy. We don’t have those fancy tools like the New York Times, which, for what it’s worth, has been not working for, like, a while on election night.
OK OK enough nonsense, let’s get to the bloog!
10:05: Richard “Rape Is God’s Will” Mourdoch lost in Indiana AND Todd “Legitimate Rape” Akin just lost Missouri. Hooray! The electorate is so smart!
10:06: Well, maybe. Remember Georgia Rep. Paul Broun? The one who said evolution and embryology were sent from hell to suck us away from Jesus? He ran unopposed.
10:07: Doktor Zoom swings in with “Akin now ‘officially’ a sucky sucky LOSER.” He then yells something about Warren/Franken 2016 and leaves.
10:17: What the hell is going on down in Florida? There are around nine votes separating Romney and Obama, and some crazy shiz is going down near Tampa. It is not clear.
BUT! They will not be amending their state constitution to abolish the separation of church and state, so that’s good for those folks down there. Except that they still have to live in Florida.
10:21: Josh F. tells us CBS has declared Tim Kaine the winner in the Virginia Senate race, which is a shame, since George “Macaca” Allen would have given us something to actually write about.
10:23: CNN analysts now just saying “Florida” over and over again. This is not as helpful. Also, the Wonkette chatcave is talking about sandwiches instead of the election. This is, somehow, slightly more helpful.
10:25: Dok Zoom: “Nevada is a simulacrum, so it could still be called for Luxembourg.” SEE WHAT I MEAN GUYS JESUS.
10:26: NYTimes election site is down again. It’s like having a zillion people clicking on things at one time is too much or something.
10:28: The remaining states (Florida Florida Florida Florida Florida) are too close to call right now. Time to commence stress-weeping.
10:29: Looks like tottering old Maryland Republican Rep. Roscoe Bartlett has lost, because of Democratic gerrymandering, and also because he forgot he was in Congress and went fishing for two years.
10:32: The CNN schmuck in Wisconsin didn’t get a super-mega-techwall. It’s a guy with a wall of clipboards. What a sport.
10:33: Josh F. chuck todd is talking about people in the “boiler room.”
i think that’s inherently funny.
are there actual boilers, and are NBC employees chained up there
Kaia M. namely, is luke russert there and does he have to be released?
(Note: This Wonket blogger covered the Democratic caucus, once upon a time, and Luke Russert was talking about football and then yelled “Speaker Pelosi” several times into the back of this blogger’s head.)
10:38: MAN there is a lot of text in this thing. Here’s a logo for D.C. bar Madam’s Organ:
It’s cool because if Obama wins, there’s a half-hour of open bar! If Romney wins, obviously, all bars must close.
10:44: Obama gets Minnesota!
Josh F. maybe that’s “funny”
“mitt romney put into the woodchipper, like in fargo”
10:45: We are still obsessing over Florida. Blair B. suspects it is the Pitbull announcement that has swung the 305.
10:47: CNN’s Don Lemon is inventing “bellwethers” in Ohio, and points us to the lovely people who are taking calls from election officials to tally the votes. These people look alarmingly distracted.
10:49: Finally, some zest!
Dok Z. FUCKING AKIN JUST ACCUSED OBAMA OF “ABANDONING AMERICANS TO TERRORISTS” in his FUCKING CONFESSION SPEECH
(We assume he meant “concession speech,” but what Todd Akin speech hasn’t been a confession speech?)
10:51: What is poor Todd going to do now that he has been unseated by vaginas? Is there any money in protesting at abortion clinics?
10:55: Wingnut update. Bachmann, in Minnesota, is probably very upset that gross Mooslem Rep. Keith Ellison got reelected, and is up by only 1.4 percent.
The Allen “Bald Eagle Balls” West rumble with Patrick Murphy is still too close to call; 91.5 percent of votes are in and West is up by 0.6 percent. We are frantically googling to figure out if it is too late to request an absentee Florida ballot.
10:58: Josh F. brian williams says he’s getting email from people INSIDE THE REPUBLICAN MACHINERY (robot slaves?) saying thatt they’re nervous about the remaining vote in VA
10:59: I never understood this. Who in Romney’s camp is so nervous that they spontaneously email Brian Williams?
11:00: CNN relieves its projection blue-balls by calling California for Obama, 3 seconds after polls close there.
Still waiting to see if Republican Rep. Mary Bono-Mack keeps her seat over there; her husband, Rep. Connie Mack, lost the Florida Senate race to Democrat Bill Nelson. That’s what happen when you run against a damn astronaut, and now neither has a job, maybe.
(Also, Connie Mack’s real name is Cornelius Harvey McGillicuddy IV. HA!)
11:05: Wolf Blitzer just told us the Democrats are expected to maintain control of the Senate!
And one of them, don’t forget, is a lesbian!
Don’t worry. The Republicans will still be able to filibuster.
11:08: CNN’s resident Republican Alex Castellanos just said he was “going for the hemlock.” His mustache is drooping, his voice is strained. Mayhaps this is the bellwether Don Lemon was telling us about?
11:11: Obama now at 249 electoral votes, per CNN, which is WHOA, WHOA. If he gets Florida, that puts him over the top. Others have 256 for Barry, which means Ohio is pretty important…
And now, just as something miraculous is set to happen, maybe, who knows, I must go! I relinquish the live-blooging back to Dok. Godspeed, wonkers, and don’t forget to hate Florida.