IT MAKES SENSE IF YOU ARE ON CRACK  7:15 pm November 6, 2012

A Children’s Treasury Of Verbatim Last-Minute FOX NEWS Theatre

by Kaia Mursi

Just the tip?

INTRO: THE WHO, “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN”

CHYRON: GOP ELECTION OFFICIALS BLOCKED FROM ENTERING POLLING SITES IN PA, JUDGE REINSTATES THEM [B-ROLL: The new New Black Panther, with foxy shades on]

MURAL OF PRES OBAMA ON WALL AT PHILADELPHIA POLLING SITE GETS COVERED AFTER COMPLAINTS

VOTERFRAUD@FOXNEWS.COM

VOTER FRAUD MONITORS ON HIGH ALERT THIS ELECTION DAY [B-ROLL: More of the Newer, Blacker Panther]

GREG GUTFELD: Here’s a funny fact about the Liberty Bell. That crack…. is actual crack.

CHYRON: THOUSANDS OF VOTING CONTROVERSIES REPORTED NATIONWIDE ON ELECTION DAY

INTERLUDE: COMMERCIAL FOR GOLDLINE

DANA PERINO: Romney will win because he’s earned it. Obama will lose for the same reason.

THE DOUGHY ONE: No four more years of OBAMUNISM!

THE OTHER LADY: I have my Mitt Romney Chia Pet.

CHYRON: MEANWHILE, MA IS CONSIDERING WHETHER TO ALLOW PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED SUICIDE

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 138 comments }

Crank_Tango November 6, 2012 at 7:17 pm

Mmmm Dana Perino, my dream hate-fuck.

memzilla November 6, 2012 at 7:24 pm

… with votes.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Spank her with the hair brush she used to make that lousy 'do

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

I think that hairdo is a gay hairdresser's revenge

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I can hear my gay friends saying: “That 'do is a don't!”

An Asexual Ungulate November 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

It'd be fantastic, because you just wouldn't care.

"Pull my hair!" she'd scream, but you wouldn't. Because she'd like it.

memzilla November 6, 2012 at 7:19 pm

*ahem* Am I the only one who instantly saw the Mandingo-esque sexual entendre in that chyron, and didn't even think about Maine?

(Fortunately, under Obamacare, you can have than entendre removed from your chyron regardless of pre-existing conditions)

Lot_49 November 6, 2012 at 7:23 pm

You are not.

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Nope!

Then again, I'm always awaiting Pres Obama' arrival in me. Always.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Nice catch. Take it away, Frank!

I have been in you, baby
You have been in me
Aw' little girl, there ain't no time
To wash yer stinky hand
Go 'head 'n' roll over
I'm goin' in you again, ahhh
In you again
In you again, ahhh
In you again…

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

That's the very first thing I noticed. The Chyron was obscuring her Mammalian Protuberances.

MittsHairHelmet November 6, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Man I would love to read the emails the wingnuts are sending into VOTERFRAUD@FOXNEWS.COM today.

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Is there really such an address? Damn! Imagine all of the fun we could have been having with that.

Crank_Tango November 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

hmmm.

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Gentlemen, start your throwaway email addresses

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

"This one time, at band camp…"

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 7:44 pm

OK, you made me go to FOX News' website:

If you suspect voter fraud where you live, tell us your story at Voterfraud@foxnews.com

Have fun!

Lot_49 November 6, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Ten minutes till the polls close in Ohio…

WordSaladNation November 6, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Fucking Ohio. The only good thing that came out of that piece of shit state was Chrissie Hynde (and any Wonketteers from Ohio, of course).

Veritas78 November 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Thanks for adding that parenthetical. Cleveland was a nice place to be born and grow up.

DaniloTifoso November 6, 2012 at 7:30 pm

…and then leave….

Veritas78 November 6, 2012 at 7:36 pm

…yes, I did that, too, but so did everyone else.

weejee November 6, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Hey it's been years since the mighty Cuyahoga caught fire.

ChessieNefercat November 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I grew up in Lakewood. Lots of rellies on the east side, but most of us seem to have headed on over to Rocky River and beyond. Loooong bus trip to visit gramma in Cleveland/University Heights when I was growing up.

Krugmanic Depressive November 6, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Guided By Voices, Paul Lawrence Dunbar, WKRP, the Dayton Accords, Klinger, William Tecumseh Sherman, Pere Ubu, Toni Morrison…

doloras November 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

And DEVO!

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 10:00 pm

And almost Michigan!

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

The northeast of Ohio rocks (Cleveland rocks!) Commies all around. I remember seeing a button when I was there in grad school: Mao more than ever!

ChessieNefercat November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

"…(and any Wonketteers from Ohio, of course)."

Whew! For a second there, I was going to cry.

StillGoinGreen November 6, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Yeah, I feel like I need to yack – only, I know my Vicodin and Ambien haven't dissolved yet – So, I wait!

coolhandnuke November 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

The National.

DixvilleCrotch November 6, 2012 at 7:43 pm

I am trying to time my Ohiogasm for the exact moment when Chuck Todd moves it across the magic screen for Obama, for reals.

GhostBuggy November 6, 2012 at 7:21 pm

"The doughy one"? Yeah, you're going to have to narrow that down a bit. That's, like, 5,000 dudes on Fox.

ChessieNefercat November 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm

There's someone whose full name, I believe. is "Doughy Pantsload" but alas, that doesn't really add much specificity.

mille derps November 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Link for early results in Virginia: http://electionresults.virginia.gov/resultsSW.asp

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

¡Gracias!

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Thank you, dear.

Chow Yun Flat November 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

MEANWHILE, MA IS CONSIDERING WHETHER TO ALLOW PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED SUICIDE

MA? A Fox News attack on Mothers!

doloras November 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

No, Yo-Yo Ma. A Fox News attack on 'cellists.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:35 pm

I was getting ready to drive out to my parents' house and do an intervention. "Finally drove her to it, didn't you, Dad?"

freakishlywrong November 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Fux: "We report, we decide".

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:23 pm

That alt-text is awesome.

freakishlywrong November 6, 2012 at 7:23 pm

Why do we put up with this shit?

Dr_Zoidberg November 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

'Cause this is Murrica!

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Where are we gonna go?

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Sint Maarten is nice.

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Speak English!!!1!!?!

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:51 pm

lol The island of St. Martin, in the Dutch West Indies…

Lot_49 November 6, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Don't do it, Ma! We'll take care of you!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 7:53 pm

She saw Paul Ryan's budget plan.

An_Outhouse November 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm

i wonder what a romney chia pet looks like . pubic hair?

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Smarmy.

Mittaplasia November 6, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Shag carpeting, totes.

Dudleydidwrong November 6, 2012 at 7:59 pm

No pubic hair 'cause Mormon chias wear holy underwear.

memzilla November 6, 2012 at 7:26 pm

OK that's it, I'm not just gonna dip my finger in the purple ink.

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:29 pm

Dang. Bamz is coming up STRONG now…

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Linky?

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:41 pm
glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

Not to worry. It's too early to call it foreplay. I'm in for all nine innings. Go Bamz!

Veritas78 November 6, 2012 at 7:29 pm

So after tonight's debate, when do we actually vote? Is it an online thingy? Do I need a Facebook account?

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

No, but you'll need a Twitter.

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

But I don't wan one!

Dr_Zoidberg November 6, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Well, considering how outdated the election process is here in America, it's probably MySpace.

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

Or Friendster. Maybe even usenet.

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 7:41 pm

I rely on Compuserve for all my voting and porn needs.

Dr_Zoidberg November 6, 2012 at 7:46 pm

BBSs!!

Man, I'm old.

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 10:07 pm

Good thing I didn't discard those 'Netscape discs

ChessieNefercat November 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

"Do I need a Facebook account?"

Oh, God, that's how they're going to fix our debaclous voting process, isn't it?

TootsStansbury November 6, 2012 at 7:30 pm

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Limeylizzie November 6, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Jesus H Christ they don't even pretend to be news at all do they?

TootsStansbury November 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I am listening to news sayers. On NPR of all things. I can't deal.

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I'm watching CNN because Anderson is easy on the eyes.

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

I'm watching MSNBC because Rachel is.

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I'm grinding my teeth and glaring at this computer.

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

I'll be listening to that while I drive to the damned class I absolutely must attend tonight. I have promised that I will switch to jazz if it makes me too crazy, for the sake of everyone's safety.

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

How could they not cancel night classes today? Everyone's supposed to be at a bar, watching results!

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I know :-(I'll be back around 10:30 Pacific time to check in with any night owls here–have a good night, everyone!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 7:55 pm

But we'll all be drunk by then!

fuflans November 6, 2012 at 7:56 pm

hope somebody's texting you and thank you for all your good calls! mine were only so-so.

rocktonsam November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I am too,NPR, I won't turn the teevee on. I thought about putting the classical music station on and mute cspan..

The President is trending in Wisconsin is what the word around the campfire of newsies are saying UP HERE

fridge is full of beer also

Dr_Zoidberg November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I'm using a Ouija board, and I just got a message for a 'William' or 'Will' from his Granny Lou – she loves him very much.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 8:03 pm

I'm having a bit of wine, playing highly-amplified Music that would Bug most people, checking up on Our Wonket whenever I think I can handle it and making a determined effort to restrain the Cephalopods from swarming out into the land and devouring Romney and Ryan. So far it's working.

If I lose control of them, though, I have their promise that they'll get Rove first.

Sharkey November 6, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Is this some kind of weird Wonket foreplay?

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm

Is there any other kind? You want vanilla, pal, go some place else…

rocktonsam November 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Never any wonket cuddling after wonket foreplay too.

Goonemeritus November 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

I had a guy at work tell me about the voting machine that was switching votes from Mitt to Obama. When I showed him the video to prove he had it backward he was greatly relieved that the integrity of our electoral process was still secure.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

CNN Exits:

North Carolina: 49/49

Ohio: 51/48 Obama

YES!

Donnelly up by two in vote count in Indiana for Senate.

51/48 Obama in Florida in actual vote count.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

wow, it would be awesome if that holds. winning NC? My phriend Phil in Durham (yankee containment zone) will cream in his cheese.

Also, gotta watch it in Florida, the panhandle is an hour later than the east coast, and is redder than the sun on a Japanese flag

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

YES!!!

fuflans November 6, 2012 at 7:58 pm

you and soros and barackmyworld are guardians of sanity

well, and nate silver.

oh and mr fuflans too.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:33 pm

"INTRO: THE WHO, “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN”

"Right you are."
*changes channel*

Come here a minute November 6, 2012 at 7:34 pm

MA, the timing could not be better. Jump, jump, jump….

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:35 pm

So Mourdock, previously thought to be a shoe-in, is down by 2 with 10% in. Shouldn't have gotten so rapey.

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I hope all those rapey fuckers get TROUNCED.

ETA: With votes, literally, and for real this time.

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Donnelly's now up by 6%! MSNBC is talking about how it looks like Republicans have given up more Senate seats by nominating crazies and comparing him to Christine O'Donnel.

finallyhappy November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

Anyone is still voting for him?? What the hell is wrong with people? Really, I hope The Stand happens- I'll probably die but maybe so will most of the morons in the world. Or better yet, V and the aliens win. Just use us as food.

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 10:11 pm

The usually accepted term is "He raped himself with his own dick".

Limeylizzie November 6, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Ryan Lizza on Twitter "Lots of reasons not to trust the exits, but so far they show good news for Obama and bad news for Romney." referring to North Carolina exit polls -49%-49%

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Yep, that the exits are tied in NC shows that the state was still in play despite them automatically giving it to Romney a few weeks back.

doloras November 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

If NC goes to Hopey, I really think we're done here (in a good way).

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Even if he just narrowly loses it (1-2%) I still think we have it in the bag.

mosaickmind November 6, 2012 at 7:36 pm

" Warning: Don't take the BROWN crack! "

Steverino247 November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

IN, KY and WV called for Romney. Stupid white trash voters have had their say. When Obama wins, I hope he seals the borders and allows no Mountain Dew or Oxycontin to pass through the lines to those fuckers.

paulabflat November 7, 2012 at 10:31 pm

hey! over here. the blue baby. in the red bathwater.

i voted yesterday. yeah. my vote's in there somewhere among those that put the president over with the popular vote. part of the, ahem, icing on the cake. if you will.

so. that kinda stuff can sting and it isn't fair.

Blueb4sinrise November 6, 2012 at 7:39 pm

haz to make foodz to absorb the booze.
See yaz later.

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm

I'm currently on a conference call with Halifax and Singapore. The current electoral count is scaring them, and me, too. They have all asked why the fuck anyone would vote for Romney. I replied 'obviously we all have brain tumors here in the USA'.

freakishlywrong November 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I can only guess that fascists don't have their own "news" network in Halifax and Singapore.

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

The Singpore team are actually Irish transplants, so they are cool. The Halifax people eat a lot of fish which isn't very fascist.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Fishists!

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Just remember, all the states where the polls have closed so far are either Romney gimmes in the South and Appalacia or close ones which won't be called anytimes soon. And Vermont. So of course Romney's ahead in the electoral vote count; wait until most of the Northeast closes and all come in for Obama.

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

That's what I told them. I said that here in CA it's not even 5pm yet so many Obama-leaning states are still voting, so watching returns right now is more nerve-wracking than informative.

But brain tumor is funnier.

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

And NY doesn't close until 9 est; that's the two biggest states, both reliably Dem and neither closes until late.

finallyhappy November 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I don't watch until 10 or 11- can''t handle all the self-important stupid "pundits". Jon And Steven at 11- I think

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm

"The GOP – Embarrassing the USA globally since 2000"

kyeshinka November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

At least Obamacare covers those kinds of things, so there's hope for us all yet.

fuflans November 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm

my family's in canada and uk and best friends in germany and no one understands this. not one little bit. tories are pulling for bamz.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:41 pm

And Donnely takes the lead over Rapey Mourdock.

Steverino247 November 6, 2012 at 7:41 pm

Patrick Murphy ahead of West and Grayson leads by 40K with 1% in. Obama ahead in FL, too.

BoroPrimorac November 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I'd like to chase Greg Gutfeld down the street with a machete and chop him up with votes. I hate that unfunny prick.

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:43 pm

CNN just called SC with only 1% reporting and Obama leading at 75%. They said it was based on "information", I guess the knowledge that wingnuts outnumber black people in that State.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Elizabeth Warren gets elected Dana Perino will look like Dorian Grey in his mirror upstairs to me.

Steverino247 November 6, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Romney takes SC, no surprise there, but the return of Gen. Sherman tomorrow will be!

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I hope Lubbock TX is preparing for the UN onslaught! Bitches!

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:49 pm

50/49 Obama in Florida with 30% in. GAH.

BoroPrimorac November 6, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Don't you worry, Puerto Ricans are going to deliver Florida for Obama.

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 7:50 pm

Got back from making calls for Obama–lots of good energy out there. A gentleman from Ohio thanked me for calling (he had already voted for Obama), & even though everyone in swing states has been flooded with calls, almost everyone has been nice. Feeling good…

finallyhappy November 6, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Just like 4 years ago, I have to be in the car from 9 to 11 tonight- I hope WAMU is ok to listen to- even though I get pissed off at NPR too

viennawoods13 November 6, 2012 at 7:52 pm

Huffpo has called Kentucky for Romney with 0% reporting.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Even in SC, the urban counties are blue. Country fucks…

viennawoods13 November 6, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Tequila, anyone?

fuflans November 6, 2012 at 8:00 pm

here we go.

i mean, time to start drinking.

Guppy November 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Dammit, where are the returns from Puerto Rico? It's 9:00 there!

EDIT: Answered my own question: http://puertorico.univision.com/destino-2012/resu

Unless the numbers change, it looks like we may have to get new flags.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 6, 2012 at 8:05 pm

This is what you want to be watching.
The columns in the middle are where the action is.

ttommyunger November 7, 2012 at 10:29 am

An Obama win will assure Fox of top ratings for four more years. No snark. Obama-Haters are rabid, clannish, loyal to their own and numerous.

ChessieNefercat November 6, 2012 at 7:42 pm

Except half my siblings.

ChessieNefercat November 6, 2012 at 7:44 pm

I remember that from my junior high days. Boy, I can blather on about growing up on the shores of Lake Erie indefinitely. Than I won't have to think about…POLLS CLOSING!!!

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 7:54 pm

:)

I got that. I was just making "a point". (Not enough places that have English as official language and will take us fugees in.)

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:59 pm

Sorry, my bad. As far as I've ever been able to tell, everyone in Sint Maarten speaks (heavily accented) English – most more so than Dutch.

Whether they'd take in American political refugees, though…

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