it makes sense if you are on crack

A Children’s Treasury Of Verbatim Last-Minute FOX NEWS Theatre

Just the tip?

INTRO: THE WHO, “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN”

CHYRON: GOP ELECTION OFFICIALS BLOCKED FROM ENTERING POLLING SITES IN PA, JUDGE REINSTATES THEM [B-ROLL: The new New Black Panther, with foxy shades on]

MURAL OF PRES OBAMA ON WALL AT PHILADELPHIA POLLING SITE GETS COVERED AFTER COMPLAINTS

VOTERFRAUD@FOXNEWS.COM

VOTER FRAUD MONITORS ON HIGH ALERT THIS ELECTION DAY [B-ROLL: More of the Newer, Blacker Panther]

GREG GUTFELD: Here’s a funny fact about the Liberty Bell. That crack…. is actual crack.

CHYRON: THOUSANDS OF VOTING CONTROVERSIES REPORTED NATIONWIDE ON ELECTION DAY

INTERLUDE: COMMERCIAL FOR GOLDLINE

DANA PERINO: Romney will win because he’s earned it. Obama will lose for the same reason.

THE DOUGHY ONE: No four more years of OBAMUNISM!

THE OTHER LADY: I have my Mitt Romney Chia Pet.

CHYRON: MEANWHILE, MA IS CONSIDERING WHETHER TO ALLOW PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED SUICIDE

Comments

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  • Crank_Tango

    Mmmm Dana Perino, my dream hate-fuck.

    • memzilla

      … with votes.

      • glasspusher

        Spank her with the hair brush she used to make that lousy 'do

        • Terry

          I think that hairdo is a gay hairdresser's revenge

          • glasspusher

            I can hear my gay friends saying: “That 'do is a don't!”

    • An Asexual Ungulate

      It'd be fantastic, because you just wouldn't care.

      "Pull my hair!" she'd scream, but you wouldn't. Because she'd like it.

  • memzilla

    *ahem* Am I the only one who instantly saw the Mandingo-esque sexual entendre in that chyron, and didn't even think about Maine?

    (Fortunately, under Obamacare, you can have than entendre removed from your chyron regardless of pre-existing conditions)

    • Lot_49

      You are not.

    • MissTaken

      Nope!

      Then again, I'm always awaiting Pres Obama' arrival in me. Always.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Nice catch. Take it away, Frank!

      I have been in you, baby
      You have been in me
      Aw' little girl, there ain't no time
      To wash yer stinky hand
      Go 'head 'n' roll over
      I'm goin' in you again, ahhh
      In you again
      In you again, ahhh
      In you again…

    • C_R_Eature

      That's the very first thing I noticed. The Chyron was obscuring her Mammalian Protuberances.

  • MittsHairHelmet

    Man I would love to read the emails the wingnuts are sending into VOTERFRAUD@FOXNEWS.COM today.

    • Wile E. Quixote

      Is there really such an address? Damn! Imagine all of the fun we could have been having with that.

      • Crank_Tango

        hmmm.

        • Terry

          Gentlemen, start your throwaway email addresses

      • BadKitty904

        "This one time, at band camp…"

      • Callyson

        OK, you made me go to FOX News' website:

        If you suspect voter fraud where you live, tell us your story at Voterfraud@foxnews.com

        Have fun!

  • Lot_49

    Ten minutes till the polls close in Ohio…

    • http://www.wonkette.com WordSaladNation

      Fucking Ohio. The only good thing that came out of that piece of shit state was Chrissie Hynde (and any Wonketteers from Ohio, of course).

      • Veritas78

        Thanks for adding that parenthetical. Cleveland was a nice place to be born and grow up.

        • DaniloTifoso

          …and then leave….

          • Veritas78

            …yes, I did that, too, but so did everyone else.

          • ChessieNefercat

            Except half my siblings.

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            Hey it's been years since the mighty Cuyahoga caught fire.

          • ChessieNefercat

            I remember that from my junior high days. Boy, I can blather on about growing up on the shores of Lake Erie indefinitely. Than I won't have to think about…POLLS CLOSING!!!

        • ChessieNefercat

          I grew up in Lakewood. Lots of rellies on the east side, but most of us seem to have headed on over to Rocky River and beyond. Loooong bus trip to visit gramma in Cleveland/University Heights when I was growing up.

      • Krugmanic Depressive

        Guided By Voices, Paul Lawrence Dunbar, WKRP, the Dayton Accords, Klinger, William Tecumseh Sherman, Pere Ubu, Toni Morrison…

      • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

        And DEVO!

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          And almost Michigan!

      • glasspusher

        The northeast of Ohio rocks (Cleveland rocks!) Commies all around. I remember seeing a button when I was there in grad school: Mao more than ever!

      • ChessieNefercat

        "…(and any Wonketteers from Ohio, of course)."

        Whew! For a second there, I was going to cry.

    • StillGoinGreen

      Yeah, I feel like I need to yack – only, I know my Vicodin and Ambien haven't dissolved yet – So, I wait!

    • coolhandnuke

      The National.

    • DixvilleCrotch

      I am trying to time my Ohiogasm for the exact moment when Chuck Todd moves it across the magic screen for Obama, for reals.

  • GhostBuggy

    "The doughy one"? Yeah, you're going to have to narrow that down a bit. That's, like, 5,000 dudes on Fox.

    • ChessieNefercat

      There's someone whose full name, I believe. is "Doughy Pantsload" but alas, that doesn't really add much specificity.

  • mille derps

    Link for early results in Virginia: http://electionresults.virginia.gov/resultsSW.asp

    • glasspusher

      ¡Gracias!

    • Callyson

      Thank you, dear.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    MEANWHILE, MA IS CONSIDERING WHETHER TO ALLOW PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED SUICIDE

    MA? A Fox News attack on Mothers!

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      No, Yo-Yo Ma. A Fox News attack on 'cellists.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I was getting ready to drive out to my parents' house and do an intervention. "Finally drove her to it, didn't you, Dad?"

  • freakishlywrong

    Fux: "We report, we decide".

  • SorosBot

    That alt-text is awesome.

  • freakishlywrong

    Why do we put up with this shit?

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      'Cause this is Murrica!

    • emmelemm

      Where are we gonna go?

      • BadKitty904

        Sint Maarten is nice.

        • emmelemm

          Speak English!!!1!!?!

          • BadKitty904

            lol The island of St. Martin, in the Dutch West Indies…

          • emmelemm

            :)

            I got that. I was just making "a point". (Not enough places that have English as official language and will take us fugees in.)

          • BadKitty904

            Sorry, my bad. As far as I've ever been able to tell, everyone in Sint Maarten speaks (heavily accented) English – most more so than Dutch.

            Whether they'd take in American political refugees, though…

  • Lot_49

    Don't do it, Ma! We'll take care of you!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      She saw Paul Ryan's budget plan.

  • An_Outhouse

    i wonder what a romney chia pet looks like . pubic hair?

    • BadKitty904

      Smarmy.

    • Mittaplasia

      Shag carpeting, totes.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      No pubic hair 'cause Mormon chias wear holy underwear.

  • memzilla

    OK that's it, I'm not just gonna dip my finger in the purple ink.

  • BadKitty904

    Dang. Bamz is coming up STRONG now…

  • Veritas78

    So after tonight's debate, when do we actually vote? Is it an online thingy? Do I need a Facebook account?

    • MissTaken

      No, but you'll need a Twitter.

      • SorosBot

        But I don't wan one!

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Well, considering how outdated the election process is here in America, it's probably MySpace.

      • SorosBot

        Or Friendster. Maybe even usenet.

        • MissTaken

          I rely on Compuserve for all my voting and porn needs.

        • Dr_Zoidberg

          BBSs!!

          Man, I'm old.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Good thing I didn't discard those 'Netscape discs

    • ChessieNefercat

      "Do I need a Facebook account?"

      Oh, God, that's how they're going to fix our debaclous voting process, isn't it?

  • TootsStansbury

    AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

  • Limeylizzie

    Jesus H Christ they don't even pretend to be news at all do they?

  • TootsStansbury

    I am listening to news sayers. On NPR of all things. I can't deal.

    • Terry

      I'm watching CNN because Anderson is easy on the eyes.

      • SorosBot

        I'm watching MSNBC because Rachel is.

        • BadKitty904

          I'm grinding my teeth and glaring at this computer.

    • Callyson

      I'll be listening to that while I drive to the damned class I absolutely must attend tonight. I have promised that I will switch to jazz if it makes me too crazy, for the sake of everyone's safety.

      • SorosBot

        How could they not cancel night classes today? Everyone's supposed to be at a bar, watching results!

        • Callyson

          I know :-(I'll be back around 10:30 Pacific time to check in with any night owls here–have a good night, everyone!

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            But we'll all be drunk by then!

          • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

            hope somebody's texting you and thank you for all your good calls! mine were only so-so.

    • rocktonsam

      I am too,NPR, I won't turn the teevee on. I thought about putting the classical music station on and mute cspan..

      The President is trending in Wisconsin is what the word around the campfire of newsies are saying UP HERE

      fridge is full of beer also

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      I'm using a Ouija board, and I just got a message for a 'William' or 'Will' from his Granny Lou – she loves him very much.

    • C_R_Eature

      I'm having a bit of wine, playing highly-amplified Music that would Bug most people, checking up on Our Wonket whenever I think I can handle it and making a determined effort to restrain the Cephalopods from swarming out into the land and devouring Romney and Ryan. So far it's working.

      If I lose control of them, though, I have their promise that they'll get Rove first.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Is this some kind of weird Wonket foreplay?

    • glasspusher

      Is there any other kind? You want vanilla, pal, go some place else…

    • rocktonsam

      Never any wonket cuddling after wonket foreplay too.

  • Goonemeritus

    I had a guy at work tell me about the voting machine that was switching votes from Mitt to Obama. When I showed him the video to prove he had it backward he was greatly relieved that the integrity of our electoral process was still secure.

  • Negropolis

    CNN Exits:

    North Carolina: 49/49

    Ohio: 51/48 Obama

    YES!

    Donnelly up by two in vote count in Indiana for Senate.

    51/48 Obama in Florida in actual vote count.

    • glasspusher

      wow, it would be awesome if that holds. winning NC? My phriend Phil in Durham (yankee containment zone) will cream in his cheese.

      Also, gotta watch it in Florida, the panhandle is an hour later than the east coast, and is redder than the sun on a Japanese flag

    • Callyson

      YES!!!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      you and soros and barackmyworld are guardians of sanity

      well, and nate silver.

      oh and mr fuflans too.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "INTRO: THE WHO, “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN”

    "Right you are."
    *changes channel*

  • Come here a minute

    MA, the timing could not be better. Jump, jump, jump….

  • SorosBot

    So Mourdock, previously thought to be a shoe-in, is down by 2 with 10% in. Shouldn't have gotten so rapey.

    • emmelemm

      I hope all those rapey fuckers get TROUNCED.

      ETA: With votes, literally, and for real this time.

      • SorosBot

        Donnelly's now up by 6%! MSNBC is talking about how it looks like Republicans have given up more Senate seats by nominating crazies and comparing him to Christine O'Donnel.

    • finallyhappy

      Anyone is still voting for him?? What the hell is wrong with people? Really, I hope The Stand happens- I'll probably die but maybe so will most of the morons in the world. Or better yet, V and the aliens win. Just use us as food.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      The usually accepted term is "He raped himself with his own dick".

  • Limeylizzie

    Ryan Lizza on Twitter "Lots of reasons not to trust the exits, but so far they show good news for Obama and bad news for Romney." referring to North Carolina exit polls -49%-49%

    • Negropolis

      Yep, that the exits are tied in NC shows that the state was still in play despite them automatically giving it to Romney a few weeks back.

      • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

        If NC goes to Hopey, I really think we're done here (in a good way).

        • Negropolis

          Even if he just narrowly loses it (1-2%) I still think we have it in the bag.

  • mosaickmind

    " Warning: Don't take the BROWN crack! "

  • Steverino247

    IN, KY and WV called for Romney. Stupid white trash voters have had their say. When Obama wins, I hope he seals the borders and allows no Mountain Dew or Oxycontin to pass through the lines to those fuckers.

    • paulabflat

      hey! over here. the blue baby. in the red bathwater.

      i voted yesterday. yeah. my vote's in there somewhere among those that put the president over with the popular vote. part of the, ahem, icing on the cake. if you will.

      so. that kinda stuff can sting and it isn't fair.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    haz to make foodz to absorb the booze.
    See yaz later.

  • MissTaken

    I'm currently on a conference call with Halifax and Singapore. The current electoral count is scaring them, and me, too. They have all asked why the fuck anyone would vote for Romney. I replied 'obviously we all have brain tumors here in the USA'.

    • freakishlywrong

      I can only guess that fascists don't have their own "news" network in Halifax and Singapore.

      • MissTaken

        The Singpore team are actually Irish transplants, so they are cool. The Halifax people eat a lot of fish which isn't very fascist.

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          Fishists!

    • SorosBot

      Just remember, all the states where the polls have closed so far are either Romney gimmes in the South and Appalacia or close ones which won't be called anytimes soon. And Vermont. So of course Romney's ahead in the electoral vote count; wait until most of the Northeast closes and all come in for Obama.

      • MissTaken

        That's what I told them. I said that here in CA it's not even 5pm yet so many Obama-leaning states are still voting, so watching returns right now is more nerve-wracking than informative.

        But brain tumor is funnier.

        • SorosBot

          And NY doesn't close until 9 est; that's the two biggest states, both reliably Dem and neither closes until late.

        • finallyhappy

          I don't watch until 10 or 11- can''t handle all the self-important stupid "pundits". Jon And Steven at 11- I think

    • BadKitty904

      "The GOP – Embarrassing the USA globally since 2000"

    • kyeshinka

      At least Obamacare covers those kinds of things, so there's hope for us all yet.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      my family's in canada and uk and best friends in germany and no one understands this. not one little bit. tories are pulling for bamz.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    And Donnely takes the lead over Rapey Mourdock.

  • Steverino247

    Patrick Murphy ahead of West and Grayson leads by 40K with 1% in. Obama ahead in FL, too.

  • BoroPrimorac

    I'd like to chase Greg Gutfeld down the street with a machete and chop him up with votes. I hate that unfunny prick.

  • Terry

    CNN just called SC with only 1% reporting and Obama leading at 75%. They said it was based on "information", I guess the knowledge that wingnuts outnumber black people in that State.

  • glasspusher

    Elizabeth Warren gets elected Dana Perino will look like Dorian Grey in his mirror upstairs to me.

  • Steverino247

    Romney takes SC, no surprise there, but the return of Gen. Sherman tomorrow will be!

  • glasspusher

    I hope Lubbock TX is preparing for the UN onslaught! Bitches!

  • Negropolis

    50/49 Obama in Florida with 30% in. GAH.

    • BoroPrimorac

      Don't you worry, Puerto Ricans are going to deliver Florida for Obama.

  • Callyson

    Got back from making calls for Obama–lots of good energy out there. A gentleman from Ohio thanked me for calling (he had already voted for Obama), & even though everyone in swing states has been flooded with calls, almost everyone has been nice. Feeling good…

  • finallyhappy

    Just like 4 years ago, I have to be in the car from 9 to 11 tonight- I hope WAMU is ok to listen to- even though I get pissed off at NPR too

  • viennawoods13

    Huffpo has called Kentucky for Romney with 0% reporting.

  • glasspusher

    Even in SC, the urban counties are blue. Country fucks…

  • viennawoods13

    Tequila, anyone?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    here we go.

    i mean, time to start drinking.

  • Guppy

    Dammit, where are the returns from Puerto Rico? It's 9:00 there!

    EDIT: Answered my own question: http://puertorico.univision.com/destino-2012/resu

    Unless the numbers change, it looks like we may have to get new flags.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This is what you want to be watching.
    The columns in the middle are where the action is.

  • ttommyunger

    An Obama win will assure Fox of top ratings for four more years. No snark. Obama-Haters are rabid, clannish, loyal to their own and numerous.