A Children’s Treasury Of Verbatim Last-Minute FOX NEWS Theatre

  it makes sense if you are on crack

Just the tip?

INTRO: THE WHO, “WON’T GET FOOLED AGAIN”

CHYRON: GOP ELECTION OFFICIALS BLOCKED FROM ENTERING POLLING SITES IN PA, JUDGE REINSTATES THEM [B-ROLL: The new New Black Panther, with foxy shades on]

MURAL OF PRES OBAMA ON WALL AT PHILADELPHIA POLLING SITE GETS COVERED AFTER COMPLAINTS

VOTERFRAUD@FOXNEWS.COM

 
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VOTER FRAUD MONITORS ON HIGH ALERT THIS ELECTION DAY [B-ROLL: More of the Newer, Blacker Panther]

GREG GUTFELD: Here’s a funny fact about the Liberty Bell. That crack…. is actual crack.

CHYRON: THOUSANDS OF VOTING CONTROVERSIES REPORTED NATIONWIDE ON ELECTION DAY

INTERLUDE: COMMERCIAL FOR GOLDLINE

DANA PERINO: Romney will win because he’s earned it. Obama will lose for the same reason.

THE DOUGHY ONE: No four more years of OBAMUNISM!

THE OTHER LADY: I have my Mitt Romney Chia Pet.

CHYRON: MEANWHILE, MA IS CONSIDERING WHETHER TO ALLOW PHYSICIAN-ASSISTED SUICIDE

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Hola wonkerados.

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138 comments

    1. An Asexual Ungulate

      It'd be fantastic, because you just wouldn't care.

      "Pull my hair!" she'd scream, but you wouldn't. Because she'd like it.

  1. memzilla

    *ahem* Am I the only one who instantly saw the Mandingo-esque sexual entendre in that chyron, and didn't even think about Maine?

    (Fortunately, under Obamacare, you can have than entendre removed from your chyron regardless of pre-existing conditions)

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Nice catch. Take it away, Frank!

      I have been in you, baby
      You have been in me
      Aw' little girl, there ain't no time
      To wash yer stinky hand
      Go 'head 'n' roll over
      I'm goin' in you again, ahhh
      In you again
      In you again, ahhh
      In you again…

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Is there really such an address? Damn! Imagine all of the fun we could have been having with that.

          1. ChessieNefercat

            I remember that from my junior high days. Boy, I can blather on about growing up on the shores of Lake Erie indefinitely. Than I won't have to think about…POLLS CLOSING!!!

        1. ChessieNefercat

          I grew up in Lakewood. Lots of rellies on the east side, but most of us seem to have headed on over to Rocky River and beyond. Loooong bus trip to visit gramma in Cleveland/University Heights when I was growing up.

      1. Krugmanic Depressive

        Guided By Voices, Paul Lawrence Dunbar, WKRP, the Dayton Accords, Klinger, William Tecumseh Sherman, Pere Ubu, Toni Morrison…

      2. glasspusher

        The northeast of Ohio rocks (Cleveland rocks!) Commies all around. I remember seeing a button when I was there in grad school: Mao more than ever!

      3. ChessieNefercat

        "…(and any Wonketteers from Ohio, of course)."

        Whew! For a second there, I was going to cry.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Yeah, I feel like I need to yack – only, I know my Vicodin and Ambien haven't dissolved yet – So, I wait!

    2. DixvilleCrotch

      I am trying to time my Ohiogasm for the exact moment when Chuck Todd moves it across the magic screen for Obama, for reals.

  2. GhostBuggy

    "The doughy one"? Yeah, you're going to have to narrow that down a bit. That's, like, 5,000 dudes on Fox.

    1. ChessieNefercat

      There's someone whose full name, I believe. is "Doughy Pantsload" but alas, that doesn't really add much specificity.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I was getting ready to drive out to my parents' house and do an intervention. "Finally drove her to it, didn't you, Dad?"

          1. emmelemm

            :)

            I got that. I was just making "a point". (Not enough places that have English as official language and will take us fugees in.)

          2. BadKitty904

            Sorry, my bad. As far as I've ever been able to tell, everyone in Sint Maarten speaks (heavily accented) English – most more so than Dutch.

            Whether they'd take in American political refugees, though…

  3. Veritas78

    So after tonight's debate, when do we actually vote? Is it an online thingy? Do I need a Facebook account?

    1. Dr_Zoidberg

      Well, considering how outdated the election process is here in America, it's probably MySpace.

    2. ChessieNefercat

      "Do I need a Facebook account?"

      Oh, God, that's how they're going to fix our debaclous voting process, isn't it?

    1. Callyson

      I'll be listening to that while I drive to the damned class I absolutely must attend tonight. I have promised that I will switch to jazz if it makes me too crazy, for the sake of everyone's safety.

      1. SorosBot

        How could they not cancel night classes today? Everyone's supposed to be at a bar, watching results!

        1. Callyson

          I know :-(I'll be back around 10:30 Pacific time to check in with any night owls here–have a good night, everyone!

    2. rocktonsam

      I am too,NPR, I won't turn the teevee on. I thought about putting the classical music station on and mute cspan..

      The President is trending in Wisconsin is what the word around the campfire of newsies are saying UP HERE

      fridge is full of beer also

    3. Dr_Zoidberg

      I'm using a Ouija board, and I just got a message for a 'William' or 'Will' from his Granny Lou – she loves him very much.

    4. C_R_Eature

      I'm having a bit of wine, playing highly-amplified Music that would Bug most people, checking up on Our Wonket whenever I think I can handle it and making a determined effort to restrain the Cephalopods from swarming out into the land and devouring Romney and Ryan. So far it's working.

      If I lose control of them, though, I have their promise that they'll get Rove first.

  4. Goonemeritus

    I had a guy at work tell me about the voting machine that was switching votes from Mitt to Obama. When I showed him the video to prove he had it backward he was greatly relieved that the integrity of our electoral process was still secure.

  5. Negropolis

    CNN Exits:

    North Carolina: 49/49

    Ohio: 51/48 Obama

    YES!

    Donnelly up by two in vote count in Indiana for Senate.

    51/48 Obama in Florida in actual vote count.

    1. glasspusher

      wow, it would be awesome if that holds. winning NC? My phriend Phil in Durham (yankee containment zone) will cream in his cheese.

      Also, gotta watch it in Florida, the panhandle is an hour later than the east coast, and is redder than the sun on a Japanese flag

  6. SorosBot

    So Mourdock, previously thought to be a shoe-in, is down by 2 with 10% in. Shouldn't have gotten so rapey.

      1. SorosBot

        Donnelly's now up by 6%! MSNBC is talking about how it looks like Republicans have given up more Senate seats by nominating crazies and comparing him to Christine O'Donnel.

    1. finallyhappy

      Anyone is still voting for him?? What the hell is wrong with people? Really, I hope The Stand happens- I'll probably die but maybe so will most of the morons in the world. Or better yet, V and the aliens win. Just use us as food.

  7. Limeylizzie

    Ryan Lizza on Twitter "Lots of reasons not to trust the exits, but so far they show good news for Obama and bad news for Romney." referring to North Carolina exit polls -49%-49%

    1. Negropolis

      Yep, that the exits are tied in NC shows that the state was still in play despite them automatically giving it to Romney a few weeks back.

  8. Steverino247

    IN, KY and WV called for Romney. Stupid white trash voters have had their say. When Obama wins, I hope he seals the borders and allows no Mountain Dew or Oxycontin to pass through the lines to those fuckers.

    1. paulabflat

      hey! over here. the blue baby. in the red bathwater.

      i voted yesterday. yeah. my vote's in there somewhere among those that put the president over with the popular vote. part of the, ahem, icing on the cake. if you will.

      so. that kinda stuff can sting and it isn't fair.

  9. MissTaken

    I'm currently on a conference call with Halifax and Singapore. The current electoral count is scaring them, and me, too. They have all asked why the fuck anyone would vote for Romney. I replied 'obviously we all have brain tumors here in the USA'.

    1. freakishlywrong

      I can only guess that fascists don't have their own "news" network in Halifax and Singapore.

      1. MissTaken

        The Singpore team are actually Irish transplants, so they are cool. The Halifax people eat a lot of fish which isn't very fascist.

    2. SorosBot

      Just remember, all the states where the polls have closed so far are either Romney gimmes in the South and Appalacia or close ones which won't be called anytimes soon. And Vermont. So of course Romney's ahead in the electoral vote count; wait until most of the Northeast closes and all come in for Obama.

      1. MissTaken

        That's what I told them. I said that here in CA it's not even 5pm yet so many Obama-leaning states are still voting, so watching returns right now is more nerve-wracking than informative.

        But brain tumor is funnier.

        1. SorosBot

          And NY doesn't close until 9 est; that's the two biggest states, both reliably Dem and neither closes until late.

        2. finallyhappy

          I don't watch until 10 or 11- can''t handle all the self-important stupid "pundits". Jon And Steven at 11- I think

    3. fuflans

      my family's in canada and uk and best friends in germany and no one understands this. not one little bit. tories are pulling for bamz.

  10. BoroPrimorac

    I'd like to chase Greg Gutfeld down the street with a machete and chop him up with votes. I hate that unfunny prick.

  11. Terry

    CNN just called SC with only 1% reporting and Obama leading at 75%. They said it was based on "information", I guess the knowledge that wingnuts outnumber black people in that State.

  12. glasspusher

    Elizabeth Warren gets elected Dana Perino will look like Dorian Grey in his mirror upstairs to me.

  13. Callyson

    Got back from making calls for Obama–lots of good energy out there. A gentleman from Ohio thanked me for calling (he had already voted for Obama), & even though everyone in swing states has been flooded with calls, almost everyone has been nice. Feeling good…

  14. finallyhappy

    Just like 4 years ago, I have to be in the car from 9 to 11 tonight- I hope WAMU is ok to listen to- even though I get pissed off at NPR too

  15. ttommyunger

    An Obama win will assure Fox of top ratings for four more years. No snark. Obama-Haters are rabid, clannish, loyal to their own and numerous.

Comments are closed.