cape not pictured

Cory Booker Will Bring You Some Blankets in His Sexxy New Tumblr

Needz moar KierkegaardThose shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING. Only this time, these concepts are being strategically interwoven into a new hawt Tumblr, “Cory Booker Hey Girl” (much more sneaky than two short weeks ago, when Lena Dunham explained the importance of losing one’s virginity to Barack Obama in a polling booth). Perhaps you are familiar with this sort of Tumblr, because like any responsible American citizen, you harbor unrequited romantic feelings for actor Ryan Gosling. This new rendition of “Hey Girl” begs the question, “Sure, Ryan Gosling captured your heart when he ended racism by dancing in the ‘Remember the Titans’ locker room, but did he invite you into his living room to charge your iPhone?”

About the author

Blair Burke obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move and fashion decision for Wonkette's The FLOTUS Files feature, which appears here every Monday.

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  • Oblios_Cap

    Those shameless libruls are at it again, making jokes about your teenage daughters and black men and THE SEXING.

    Then the joke's on them! I only have (4) sons!

    • weejee

      Same here, none daughters, four sons. Granddaughters, but only sons who now have all flown the coop.

  • actor212

    And he'll do it while serving a seven course meal, with selected wines, to the houseguests he took in after Sandy.

    He IS The Most Interesting Man In America!

  • nounverb911

    He'd make a handsome mate for Hillary next time around.

    • actor212

      Bill might have somethi–

      Oh wait…

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Are you saying Bill wants Corey all to himself?

        • weejee

          He'll have to fight Lindsey Graham.

          • widestanceromance

            Just pretend to go for his face once. Breaks just like a little girl.

  • Schmannnity

    Jim Gaffigan will heat your hot pockets for you.

    • Estproph

      …dead pockets…

    • red_kira

      Then eat them. Schwing!!!!!!!!!!!

  • mosaickmind

    Cory can charge my battery ANY time! RRRrrrrr!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    In further good news, Breitbart is still dead.

    • actor212

      Well, if he wasn't, he would be after Obama takes this thing at dinner time, west coast.

    • Schmannnity

      So Obama doesn't have to kill him again?

  • AlterNewt

    Chris Christie will heat those up in his armpits for you in like a minute, but then you have to get them back.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Oh bloody hell, way to screw up the hotness of them pocket-things. prommie says that fucker (still don't have the perfect name yet) smelled like salami when he met him. GROSS GROSS.

      • AlterNewt

        I am truly sorry. And salami…GROSS.

        • PugglesRule

          Salami? Probably stress-sweat, which stinks worse than regular sweat. But carrying an extra 100 lb. is a lot of stress even when you're not doing the post-hurricane recovery stuff.

          • prommie

            Only 100? You haven't seen any good pictures of him.

          • widestanceromance

            I think that refers to the weight of the sweat alone.

      • actor212

        In fairness, you could say the same thing about nearly everyone from Jersey

        • elviouslyqueer

          Snooki and The Situation LIBEL!

          Oh, wait.

        • prommie

          Hey you!

          • FakaktaSouth

            Now you know what it feels like to be from Bama, all of the time – everybody thinks you stink. I will stand up for you here though, cause everybody knows you smell like gin.

          • prommie

            I done tole you, Jersey is the Mississippi of the North, the place everyone is glad they're not from. That Johnny Carson was always taking shots at us, I remember it growing up.

          • actor212

            *whistling softly, smiling*

  • SayItWithWookies

    Well then — sometimes I'm on the meme train, and other times I'm just standing on the platform watching the express go by.

  • Redgyal

    Yes, please.

  • Goonemeritus

    These Democrats do seem a little over sexed.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It's the ggggoat in us…..

  • flipdraw

    Okay, but isn't it a creditable rumor that he's, you know, teh ghey? Even if untrue, I'll imagine the handsome fella playing on my team.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Hey girl, are you all wet, or did you just fall down in a hurricane flood? Cory's here, no matter what – earth, wind and fire…

    • prommie

      We just keep getting these storms come sweeping up here from the south wreaking devastation, stealing souls. . . .

  • Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Strange, Republicans never seem to be able to use sex as a selling point with their candidates. I wonder why that is?

    • emmelemm

      They're trying as hard as they can with Paul Ryan and his gym pictures.

      /not working

      • Lionel[redacted]Esq

        Needs more shots of his penis. That seems to work.

    • widestanceromance

      It's very difficult to photograph live boys and dead girls in a way that appeals to swing voters.

  • HRH_Maddie

    The Dems go for back-to-back Afro-American presidents. Really give Pat Buchanan something to bitch about.

    • BornInATrailer

      I, for one, welcome our new Negro Overlords.

  • CrunchyKnee

    I honestly do not know who Cory Booker is. To the Googles.

  • SmutBoffin

    Damn, I wonder if that dude is bi..partisan. 'cause, ya know, I would, like, reach across the aisle for that.

    • red_kira


      What *is* one of those, anyways?

  • ttommyunger

    Fuckin Wonketeers must be the horniest m'fuckers on the planet. Let's hear it for Wonketeers!

  • fuflans

    whoa biden's fucking up traffic in chicago and it's only 2 PM.

    does this mean i can stop making calls to MN????

  • LesBontemps

    What's a tumblr?