EXPLOITER OF CHEAP ELF LABOR  11:18 am November 6, 2012

Proponent Of Surveillance State Prominently Featured On Maryland Ballot

by Josh Fruhlinger

He knows when you've been badYour Comics Curmudgeon just returned from standing in a mildly long line in the moderately cold weather, to vote, so he is basically history’s greatest hero for democracy. Though ultimately another vote for Barry Soetero was saved onto an inscrutable smartcard that will presumably be thrown directly in the garbage, a last-minute once-over of the ballot revealed another candidate deserving of our attention, despite the oppressive liberal media blackout. Can you really afford to not vote for someone who is all-knowing and also brings you presents annually? Find out the shocking truth, after the jump!

No, you shouldn’t feel bad for not voting for Santa Claus. Instead, you should feel bad for not voting for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, who Santa Claus endorsed when he pulled out of the race last week. Santa Claus also has a banner ad on his site for the Run-DMC reunion tour that hit Austin last weekend, so he seems like a pretty cool guy, albeit one who doesn’t keep his website up to date.

Despite Mr. Claus’s claim to live in Nevada, we would like to see a birth certificate from him, and also one from presidential candidate Hello Kitty.

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 89 comments }

Barbara_ November 6, 2012 at 11:21 am

In Nevada, I am surprised Elvis Presley isn't on the ballot multiple times. He's all over the place in Las Vegas.

Generation[redacted] November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am

Elvis wins in a 3,000-way tie!

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 11:26 am

Elvis has left the ballot….

Tundra Grifter November 6, 2012 at 11:31 am
EatsBabyDingos November 6, 2012 at 11:39 am

But inexplicably, not in Michael J. Fox.

DCBloom November 6, 2012 at 11:42 am

By far my favorite Mojo. Thanks

Tundra Grifter November 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Definately my favorite Nixon – although Norm was ok.

T3rbo November 6, 2012 at 11:31 am

Oh, he is: the New Black Panthers made me vote for Black Elvis, which I am not happy about.

Lascauxcaveman November 6, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Black Elvis is in a three-way race against Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison in my Election Night party straw poll.

Other races include:

Obama/Biden vs. Romney/Ryan
Coke vs. Pepsi
Pepperoni vs. Hawaiian
Necco Wafer vs. Big Hunk
Mauritania vs. Slovenia
Ginger vs. Mary Ann
Mustang vs. Camaro
Pitt vs. Clooney
Frug vs. Boogaloo
Velocipede vs. Penny-Farthing
Jack Sprat vs. Jack & Jill vs. Little Jack Horner

Polls open at 5pm Pacific Time. Free beer, wine, pizza and chips for all who get here before they're gone.

Allmighty_Manos November 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

Here's the biggest question coming out of today: Will my "I voted" sticker get me laid?

elviouslyqueer November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am

*Reply hazy. Try again later.*

UW8316154 November 6, 2012 at 11:28 am

Tease.

gullywompr November 6, 2012 at 11:44 am

Well, there's an orgy at my house tonight, but only if you voted for Ron Paul.

His calendar babes are gonna be there.

bobbert November 6, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Gah.

iTuna November 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Mine already did!

finallyhappy November 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm

California Tortilla will give you a free taco and EInstein a bagel and schmear. Take what you can get!

Mumbletypeg November 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

Run-DMC say it's time to get ill! Which, I'm probably well on my way toward doing, with worry.

ManchuCandidate November 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

I saw the First Lady Kissing Santa Claus.

Tundra Grifter November 6, 2012 at 11:32 am

Was that Daddy dressed up in a Santa suit – or was it really Santa Claus?

mille derps November 6, 2012 at 11:22 am

Speaking of those who are making a list and checking it twice, now might be a nice time to watch that Anonymous video again (or for the first time): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98frqrKFnQ8

AlterNewt November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am

Finally! A candidate who can't trot out the "I'm not Santa Claus" trope.

nounverb911 November 6, 2012 at 11:27 am

But she's still a witch?

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am

And here I thought Jesus – http://www.votingforjesus.com/ – was the imaginary magic superman a few wingnuts were trying to get people to vote for.

Terry November 6, 2012 at 11:31 am

OMG, I just had a thought. How hard would it be to get Jesus on the ballot in a few states like Texas? Imagine the decision some of the Evangelicals would have to make. Do you vote for Jesus or the Republican candidate? The hippies, liberals, immigrants, Latinos, and gays wouldn't have the same quandary and the state would go blue for the first time in a long long while.

BerkeleyBear November 6, 2012 at 11:43 am

Problem is, they'd probably assume it was a hay-zus, not a gee-sus, and just vote for the pastiest white guy anyways. They've had a lot of practice ignoring hispanic names there.

Lot_49 November 6, 2012 at 12:22 pm

And if they can't ignore them, they just Gerrymander them into insignificance.

Lascauxcaveman November 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm

That would be wonderful.

"Oh, Mr. Colbert? I have an idea for the use of some of your SuperPac funds…"

T3rbo November 6, 2012 at 11:37 am

From that website:

If Mitt Romney is elected, he will be the fulfillment of his cult's polygamist, pedophile, racist, con artist, murdering founder Joseph Smith's "White Horse" prophecy that Romney and all Mormon's believe. That prophecy says that the United States will facing great economic and social unrest, a Mormon will be elected President, declare a national emergency and set aside the US Constitution and enact a Mormon theocracy. That may sound impossible, but ever since he was at BYU, Romney was called by his inner circle "the chosen one" to fulfill their cult's prophecy.

So the question to you is, which jesus do I write in? Jesus Hernandez Lopez? Jesus Fernandez?

weejee November 6, 2012 at 11:38 am

/ with apologies to Sister Caligula…

♪♫ Five foot nine, he's just divine
Changes water into wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

Ain't he neat? Ain't he cool?
He tip toes cross the swimming pool
Has anybody seen my Lord?

Well if you run into a blue-eyed Jew
Healing the sick
It's no joke, touch his cloak
It'll heal your acne mighty quick

Virgin Mary she's the most
She got laid by the Holy Ghost
Has anybody seen my Lord…
Just hanging around now…
Has anybody seen my Lord ♫♪

Biff November 6, 2012 at 11:54 am

Imagine the birth certificate "discussions!"

ChillBill November 6, 2012 at 11:25 am

I think they misspelled SATAN.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 6, 2012 at 11:25 am

OT: I'm really sorry, but I've been very busy with work of late. Has Obama declared marshal law yet? I just want to know if I should still try to vote or if I'm supposed to be facing Mecca.

T3rbo November 6, 2012 at 11:29 am

You should be getting a text message in a few hours so you know which FEMA camp to go to. You should obey-Obama will be sending out the New Black Panthers to round up stragglers and to search your house for illegal firearms, and they are like animals. Also, you will be getting a flu vaccine and a chip implant at the camp, just a heads up.

bobbert November 6, 2012 at 3:40 pm

You should obey-Obama will be sending out the New Black Panther to round up stragglers and to search your house….

FTFY.

Joshua Norton November 6, 2012 at 11:32 am

You big silly. You're supposed to face Mecca WHILE you vote.

Lot_49 November 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

It's "martial" law, strictly speaking. And it is strict.

prommie November 6, 2012 at 11:25 am

I just gots me my email ballot, by email! I am returning it, by email! Fucking cool beans, man! No need to run the gauntlet of Black Panther thugs that I am sure are encircling every polling place in Amurrica, as reported by Fox News!

FakaktaSouth November 6, 2012 at 11:44 am

I was disappointed in the lack of any New or even Old Black Panthers (Tupac's Mom, where ARE YOU?) at my voting place. I wanted to yell at somebody, or hold a door, or maybe just flat out scare some old people. Hooray for email and votes that "count."

prommie November 6, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I need a post-voting high-five or hug or something from you!

FakaktaSouth November 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I would very much like it if we can all kinds of celebrate in some fashion this weekend. DO NOT WANT to have to be forming an escape plan – but I will if it comes down to it…

prommie November 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm

I have a plan already, we would only have to set it in motion.

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 11:25 am

OT, but what the hell since the world may end today. I just saw Jenna Bush Hager talking about elections with school kids on NBC. One look at her was a reminder that the retard gene runs especially strong in that family. She looks like "W" with an actual vagina instead of the implied one. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Too.

nounverb911 November 6, 2012 at 11:26 am

Channukah Joe Libel!

UW8316154 November 6, 2012 at 11:27 am

Santa Claus is a known socialist!!

Schmannnity November 6, 2012 at 11:27 am

Santa Claus withdrew when Ryan threatened to shoot the reindeer.

Goonemeritus November 6, 2012 at 11:28 am

I’m just pissed that for the ridicules reason that I don’t live in Massachusetts I can’t show my love for Elizabeth Warren. Do you think she would like an Edible-Arrangement?

actor212 November 6, 2012 at 11:31 am

Now, is that "showing your love" like an OB/GYN?

SchemeZ November 6, 2012 at 11:54 am

It took and hour wait on a crisp but sunny day to vote for Liz, Barry and Joe.

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:55 am

I am with you on that!

FlipFlopFuck November 6, 2012 at 11:29 am

Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
Macaca!

pinkocommi November 6, 2012 at 11:29 am

Ronald Reagan's corpse!

RomneysLogCabin November 6, 2012 at 11:29 am

Is Santa Claus pro- or anti-coal?
What are his thoughts on Global Warming?
What's his position on non-believers?

Lot_49 November 6, 2012 at 11:54 am

Anti-coal, since that is not what He'd prefer to leave in your stocking if you're nice.

He's against global warming, since it would melt His Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole.

And He's issued a fatwah declaring total jihad on non-believers, as they are by definition naughty.

Biff November 6, 2012 at 12:58 pm

When I was a child, Santa Claus left me coal in my stocking nearly every year, so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say "pro"…

actor212 November 6, 2012 at 11:30 am

Josh, as a comic afficianado, you did not vote for General Zod????

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 11:30 am

And OT, but after getting sucked into that racist conspiracy theorist thread someone linked to earlier, here is one actual reply I got: "You are nothing but a libtard POS. if you were all dead Philly would be a nice city again. We're not racist, we're just tired of all of your hip hop gangsta crap pieces of human trash. ES&Die!"

Not racist, but just thinks all black people, who he thinks I'm one of apparently, are human trash and should die. Right.

Oh and: http://redirect.disqus.com/url?url=http%3A%2F%2Ft

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 11:34 am

Today, we are all human trash…

MissTaken November 6, 2012 at 11:41 am

I got 99 problems
But a hip hop gangsta crap piece of trash ain't one.

SexySmurf November 6, 2012 at 11:44 am

"We're not racist, we're just tired of niggers."

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

Aw, now that comment's been deleted. As have quite a few others in that thread; I guess some of them getting a bit too overt in their racism for the site's moderators, who want to keep things in dog-whistle territory.

Redgyal November 6, 2012 at 11:56 am

Why do you bother? You seriously need to click THIS link…for the future. http://dailymultiracial.com/

prommie November 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Not so much racist as, Nazi.

Fairtackle November 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm

hee hee, that's what you get for oppressing minorities SorosBot.

Tundra Grifter November 6, 2012 at 11:32 am

Don't blame me – I voted for Summer.

ChillBill November 6, 2012 at 11:38 am

Cause seriously, who wants to eat chimichangas for the next four years?

finallyhappy November 6, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Glau?

gullywompr November 6, 2012 at 11:35 am

Vegas baby!

Vegas!

SorosBot November 6, 2012 at 11:38 am

I've never trusted Santa ever since one of his reindeer ran over my grandma that Christmas Eve.

actor212 November 6, 2012 at 11:39 am

Aw, come on, Fruhlinger!

Everybody knows there's no such thing as Prokopich!

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 11:41 am

So, has Obama won yet? It's almost lunchtime, dammit.

iburl November 6, 2012 at 11:47 am

Don't hurry the supreme court.

actor212 November 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

Nino has to finish his vino.

tiredalways November 6, 2012 at 11:45 am

A bit OT but scared the hell out of me: I heard a guy named Jefferey something on conservative radio wapi here in blood red Alabama – "I know in my heart that Romney will steal..err, win by Reaganesque landslide"..I almost hit a car in front of me :(

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 11:48 am

If they can't win the election, they are sure (and very obviously) going to try to steal it.

What horrifies me most is that most Repugs seem to have no kind of problem with that…

iburl November 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

They have to take their country back (to the 1950's).

SayItWithWookies November 6, 2012 at 11:46 am

That's quite a ballot Josh — how many frickin' states did you vote in today?

Biff November 6, 2012 at 11:49 am

Damn it–Santa Claus was not on my ballot out here rural Bat Country® Nevada when I early-voted on day 1. I totally would've voted for him!

Tilley November 6, 2012 at 11:50 am

So what time do the festivities begin here on this sacred Election Day? Can we start drinking and live-blogging this thing in like maybe an hour or so? It's not gonna be beer or cosmos this time, my fellow Americans. This is going to be a JohnnyWalkerRed sort of night.

Redgyal November 6, 2012 at 11:57 am

Hello Kitty got my vote! Cute Smart and Nice!

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:58 am

Should this election not be stolen, I would hope Barry will unleash the FBI on these fucktards in Ohio, Florida and elsewhere who have been trying their best to suppress, subvert and steal votes.

eggsacklywright November 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Awwww, that wouldn't be very compromisy, would it?

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 12:11 pm

My right to vote is not a candidate for compromise.

prommie November 6, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Well now, if that poofter Nate Silver is right, as if a fag can ever be right, but lets assume arguendo that he is right, and Bamz wins this thing, you know what we will have next?

IMPEACHMENT, BABY!

Lazy Media November 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm

The Bill of Impeachmen, listing High Crimes and MIsdemeanors:
Article One: Linked to '60s radicals, which equals Black Panthers, which equals voter intimidation.
Article Two: Playing basketball on Election Day, i.e. sabbath-breaking.
Article Three: Acting White While Mulatto, i.e. fraud.
Article Four: Conduct Unbecoming a President, i.e. existing.

prommie November 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

The Sherrif is NEAR!

Biff November 6, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Doktor Zoom November 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Hello Kitty Has No Mouth And She Must Scream

prommie November 6, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Ursula LeGuinn or something?

Canuck_Stan November 6, 2012 at 5:07 pm

They're not presents, they're *entitlements*, bitches!

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