He knows when you've been badYour Comics Curmudgeon just returned from standing in a mildly long line in the moderately cold weather, to vote, so he is basically history’s greatest hero for democracy. Though ultimately another vote for Barry Soetero was saved onto an inscrutable smartcard that will presumably be thrown directly in the garbage, a last-minute once-over of the ballot revealed another candidate deserving of our attention, despite the oppressive liberal media blackout. Can you really afford to not vote for someone who is all-knowing and also brings you presents annually? Find out the shocking truth, after the jump!

No, you shouldn’t feel bad for not voting for Santa Claus. Instead, you should feel bad for not voting for Green Party candidate Jill Stein, who Santa Claus endorsed when he pulled out of the race last week. Santa Claus also has a banner ad on his site for the Run-DMC reunion tour that hit Austin last weekend, so he seems like a pretty cool guy, albeit one who doesn’t keep his website up to date.

Despite Mr. Claus’s claim to live in Nevada, we would like to see a birth certificate from him, and also one from presidential candidate Hello Kitty.

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  • Barbara_

    In Nevada, I am surprised Elvis Presley isn't on the ballot multiple times. He's all over the place in Las Vegas.

    • Generation[redacted]

      Elvis wins in a 3,000-way tie!

    • Elvis has left the ballot….

    • Tundra Grifter
      • EatsBabyDingos

        But inexplicably, not in Michael J. Fox.

      • DCBloom

        By far my favorite Mojo. Thanks

        • Tundra Grifter

          Definately my favorite Nixon – although Norm was ok.

    • T3rbo

      Oh, he is: the New Black Panthers made me vote for Black Elvis, which I am not happy about.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Black Elvis is in a three-way race against Johnny Cash and Roy Orbison in my Election Night party straw poll.

        Other races include:

        Obama/Biden vs. Romney/Ryan
        Coke vs. Pepsi
        Pepperoni vs. Hawaiian
        Necco Wafer vs. Big Hunk
        Mauritania vs. Slovenia
        Ginger vs. Mary Ann
        Mustang vs. Camaro
        Pitt vs. Clooney
        Frug vs. Boogaloo
        Velocipede vs. Penny-Farthing
        Jack Sprat vs. Jack & Jill vs. Little Jack Horner

        Polls open at 5pm Pacific Time. Free beer, wine, pizza and chips for all who get here before they're gone.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    Here's the biggest question coming out of today: Will my "I voted" sticker get me laid?

    • elviouslyqueer

      *Reply hazy. Try again later.*

      • UW8316154


    • gullywompr

      Well, there's an orgy at my house tonight, but only if you voted for Ron Paul.

      His calendar babes are gonna be there.

      • bobbert


    • iTuna

      Mine already did!

    • finallyhappy

      California Tortilla will give you a free taco and EInstein a bagel and schmear. Take what you can get!

  • Run-DMC say it's time to get ill! Which, I'm probably well on my way toward doing, with worry.

  • I saw the First Lady Kissing Santa Claus.

    • Tundra Grifter

      Was that Daddy dressed up in a Santa suit – or was it really Santa Claus?

  • mille derps

    Speaking of those who are making a list and checking it twice, now might be a nice time to watch that Anonymous video again (or for the first time):

  • AlterNewt

    Finally! A candidate who can't trot out the "I'm not Santa Claus" trope.

    • nounverb911

      But she's still a witch?

  • SorosBot

    And here I thought Jesus – – was the imaginary magic superman a few wingnuts were trying to get people to vote for.

    • Terry

      OMG, I just had a thought. How hard would it be to get Jesus on the ballot in a few states like Texas? Imagine the decision some of the Evangelicals would have to make. Do you vote for Jesus or the Republican candidate? The hippies, liberals, immigrants, Latinos, and gays wouldn't have the same quandary and the state would go blue for the first time in a long long while.

      • BerkeleyBear

        Problem is, they'd probably assume it was a hay-zus, not a gee-sus, and just vote for the pastiest white guy anyways. They've had a lot of practice ignoring hispanic names there.

        • Lot_49

          And if they can't ignore them, they just Gerrymander them into insignificance.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        That would be wonderful.

        "Oh, Mr. Colbert? I have an idea for the use of some of your SuperPac funds…"

    • T3rbo

      From that website:

      If Mitt Romney is elected, he will be the fulfillment of his cult's polygamist, pedophile, racist, con artist, murdering founder Joseph Smith's "White Horse" prophecy that Romney and all Mormon's believe. That prophecy says that the United States will facing great economic and social unrest, a Mormon will be elected President, declare a national emergency and set aside the US Constitution and enact a Mormon theocracy. That may sound impossible, but ever since he was at BYU, Romney was called by his inner circle "the chosen one" to fulfill their cult's prophecy.

      So the question to you is, which jesus do I write in? Jesus Hernandez Lopez? Jesus Fernandez?

    • / with apologies to Sister Caligula…

      ♪♫ Five foot nine, he's just divine
      Changes water into wine
      Has anybody seen my Lord?

      Ain't he neat? Ain't he cool?
      He tip toes cross the swimming pool
      Has anybody seen my Lord?

      Well if you run into a blue-eyed Jew
      Healing the sick
      It's no joke, touch his cloak
      It'll heal your acne mighty quick

      Virgin Mary she's the most
      She got laid by the Holy Ghost
      Has anybody seen my Lord…
      Just hanging around now…
      Has anybody seen my Lord ♫♪

    • Biff

      Imagine the birth certificate "discussions!"

  • I think they misspelled SATAN.

  • OT: I'm really sorry, but I've been very busy with work of late. Has Obama declared marshal law yet? I just want to know if I should still try to vote or if I'm supposed to be facing Mecca.

    • T3rbo

      You should be getting a text message in a few hours so you know which FEMA camp to go to. You should obey-Obama will be sending out the New Black Panthers to round up stragglers and to search your house for illegal firearms, and they are like animals. Also, you will be getting a flu vaccine and a chip implant at the camp, just a heads up.

      • bobbert

        You should obey-Obama will be sending out the New Black Panther to round up stragglers and to search your house….


    • You big silly. You're supposed to face Mecca WHILE you vote.

    • Lot_49

      It's "martial" law, strictly speaking. And it is strict.

  • prommie

    I just gots me my email ballot, by email! I am returning it, by email! Fucking cool beans, man! No need to run the gauntlet of Black Panther thugs that I am sure are encircling every polling place in Amurrica, as reported by Fox News!

    • FakaktaSouth

      I was disappointed in the lack of any New or even Old Black Panthers (Tupac's Mom, where ARE YOU?) at my voting place. I wanted to yell at somebody, or hold a door, or maybe just flat out scare some old people. Hooray for email and votes that "count."

      • prommie

        I need a post-voting high-five or hug or something from you!

        • FakaktaSouth

          I would very much like it if we can all kinds of celebrate in some fashion this weekend. DO NOT WANT to have to be forming an escape plan – but I will if it comes down to it…

          • prommie

            I have a plan already, we would only have to set it in motion.

  • OT, but what the hell since the world may end today. I just saw Jenna Bush Hager talking about elections with school kids on NBC. One look at her was a reminder that the retard gene runs especially strong in that family. She looks like "W" with an actual vagina instead of the implied one. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Too.

  • nounverb911

    Channukah Joe Libel!

  • UW8316154

    Santa Claus is a known socialist!!

  • Schmannnity

    Santa Claus withdrew when Ryan threatened to shoot the reindeer.

  • Goonemeritus

    I’m just pissed that for the ridicules reason that I don’t live in Massachusetts I can’t show my love for Elizabeth Warren. Do you think she would like an Edible-Arrangement?

    • Now, is that "showing your love" like an OB/GYN?

    • SchemeZ

      It took and hour wait on a crisp but sunny day to vote for Liz, Barry and Joe.

    • ttommyunger

      I am with you on that!

  • FlipFlopFuck

    Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.

  • pinkocommi

    Ronald Reagan's corpse!

  • RomneysLogCabin

    Is Santa Claus pro- or anti-coal?
    What are his thoughts on Global Warming?
    What's his position on non-believers?

    • Lot_49

      Anti-coal, since that is not what He'd prefer to leave in your stocking if you're nice.

      He's against global warming, since it would melt His Fortress of Solitude at the North Pole.

      And He's issued a fatwah declaring total jihad on non-believers, as they are by definition naughty.

    • Biff

      When I was a child, Santa Claus left me coal in my stocking nearly every year, so I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say "pro"…

  • Josh, as a comic afficianado, you did not vote for General Zod????

  • SorosBot

    And OT, but after getting sucked into that racist conspiracy theorist thread someone linked to earlier, here is one actual reply I got: "You are nothing but a libtard POS. if you were all dead Philly would be a nice city again. We're not racist, we're just tired of all of your hip hop gangsta crap pieces of human trash. ES&Die!"

    Not racist, but just thinks all black people, who he thinks I'm one of apparently, are human trash and should die. Right.

    Oh and:

    • BadKitty904

      Today, we are all human trash…

    • MissTaken

      I got 99 problems
      But a hip hop gangsta crap piece of trash ain't one.

    • SexySmurf

      "We're not racist, we're just tired of niggers."

      • SorosBot

        Aw, now that comment's been deleted. As have quite a few others in that thread; I guess some of them getting a bit too overt in their racism for the site's moderators, who want to keep things in dog-whistle territory.

    • Redgyal

      Why do you bother? You seriously need to click THIS link…for the future.

    • prommie

      Not so much racist as, Nazi.

    • Fairtackle

      hee hee, that's what you get for oppressing minorities SorosBot.

  • Tundra Grifter

    Don't blame me – I voted for Summer.

    • Cause seriously, who wants to eat chimichangas for the next four years?

    • finallyhappy


  • gullywompr

    Vegas baby!


  • SorosBot

    I've never trusted Santa ever since one of his reindeer ran over my grandma that Christmas Eve.

  • Aw, come on, Fruhlinger!

    Everybody knows there's no such thing as Prokopich!

  • BadKitty904

    So, has Obama won yet? It's almost lunchtime, dammit.

    • Don't hurry the supreme court.

  • tiredalways

    A bit OT but scared the hell out of me: I heard a guy named Jefferey something on conservative radio wapi here in blood red Alabama – "I know in my heart that Romney will steal..err, win by Reaganesque landslide"..I almost hit a car in front of me :(

    • BadKitty904

      If they can't win the election, they are sure (and very obviously) going to try to steal it.

      What horrifies me most is that most Repugs seem to have no kind of problem with that…

      • They have to take their country back (to the 1950's).

  • That's quite a ballot Josh — how many frickin' states did you vote in today?

  • Biff

    Damn it–Santa Claus was not on my ballot out here rural Bat Country® Nevada when I early-voted on day 1. I totally would've voted for him!

  • Tilley

    So what time do the festivities begin here on this sacred Election Day? Can we start drinking and live-blogging this thing in like maybe an hour or so? It's not gonna be beer or cosmos this time, my fellow Americans. This is going to be a JohnnyWalkerRed sort of night.

  • Redgyal

    Hello Kitty got my vote! Cute Smart and Nice!

  • ttommyunger

    Should this election not be stolen, I would hope Barry will unleash the FBI on these fucktards in Ohio, Florida and elsewhere who have been trying their best to suppress, subvert and steal votes.

  • eggsacklywright

    Awwww, that wouldn't be very compromisy, would it?

    • ttommyunger

      My right to vote is not a candidate for compromise.

  • prommie

    Well now, if that poofter Nate Silver is right, as if a fag can ever be right, but lets assume arguendo that he is right, and Bamz wins this thing, you know what we will have next?


    • Lazy Media

      The Bill of Impeachmen, listing High Crimes and MIsdemeanors:
      Article One: Linked to '60s radicals, which equals Black Panthers, which equals voter intimidation.
      Article Two: Playing basketball on Election Day, i.e. sabbath-breaking.
      Article Three: Acting White While Mulatto, i.e. fraud.
      Article Four: Conduct Unbecoming a President, i.e. existing.

      • prommie

        The Sherrif is NEAR!

    • Biff
  • Doktor Zoom

    Hello Kitty Has No Mouth And She Must Scream

    • prommie

      Ursula LeGuinn or something?

  • Canuck_Stan

    They're not presents, they're *entitlements*, bitches!

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