“Sort of depressing, isn’t it? Pretty much no amount of campaigning at this point is going to change things. Obama’s going to win,” the cartoon lady in the infographic tells us. “However, a question has been on my mind and it won’t leave me alone.”
What’s that question, Cartoon Lady?
“What would happen if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney?”
What WOULD happen, RomneyMegaPrayer? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?
Would that do anything at all? I mean, how could prayer affect a national election? The idea is just sort of ridiculous really.
Honestly, I don’t even know why you’re still reading this. No one takes this stuff seriously. No one at all.
Well, that sounds mighty convincing, and we are all signed up for the email list (twice!), and it’s supposed to start at 9 p.m. EST! TONIGHT! Let us do the ol’ livebloog song and dance, for God! And country!
9:00: Here we go! It’s time to pray for Mitt Romney’s victory! Hey, if we’re assuming Obama gets more votes, how is this supposed to work? Are we praying for suppressed Democratic turnout? Broken voting machines? Should we ask God to give some electors brain-bubbles?
9:04: Is anything happening? Anybody out there? Four minutes of group praying seems like God would have at least given some kind of sign, like, “I hear you, what’s up, everyone who’s praying?” That’s what he does when everybody else prays, right?
9:05: I think I felt some kind of a rumble. Was that a rumble?
9:07: Hey, what is this science Cartoon Lady mentioned? She said “there have been hundreds of scientific studies proving the effects of group prayer,” but that kind of sounds the opposite of what actually happens, which is.. nothing… right?
The first study is from Psychosomatic Medicine, and — we are not doctors or anything — but it seems to suggest that old people who have heart surgery are less likely to die if they are not all alone.
Does that help Romney? It does, right? Whatever. Keep praying.
9:14: Something, somewhere, is happening. It has to be. Someone said it was going to help — that mean’s it’s going to help. Maybe we need special hats?
9:17: Hey! Another one of the studies linked to just says there are “small (1-4 mm Hg) but consistent differences in measured systolic and diastolic blood pressures between frequent (once/wk) and infrequent (< once/wk) religious service attenders”! It is starting to seem like this isn’t real…
9:18: Still praying. WHAT, DID YOU STOP?
9:22: I forgot to mention — they provided more evidence that this is a good idea. Hey! Don’t stop praying! Pray while you read. Pray and read, like the monks of yore:
When the Muslim Ottoman Empire threatened Europe with a massive invasion, the Pope called for all of Europe to pray. No one expected to win. Or to live.
But — did you know? — they did live. And… they won. They defeated the Muslims. Just like Romney will.
9:33: I don’t think it’s working. Are any of you praying for the people up in New York or New Jersey, who lost their homes to Hurricane Sandy? Well stop. We need to focus. God already decided those people are going to have a lousy Thanksgiving. Help Romney.
9:37: OK, so Nate Silver just crawled out of his woodshed full of newspaper clippings and switched Florida to a 52.5 percent chance of going for Obama? GUYS. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE ARE PRAYING FOR. Get Richard Mourdock on the phone, we need to find out if this is God’s will.
9:41: How long does this group prayer thing last? I’m getting tired, and I’m pretty sure I’m about to start sweating blood.
9:47: Hey, check it out! The #romneymegaprayer hashtag is sponsored by Priorities USA Action, the pro-Romney super PAC! Gosh, it’s almost like people are taking advantage of religion a little bit to help Romney.
Nevermind. Keeeep praaayingggg.
9:51: Is it working?
9:53: Is anyone else starting to worry about this rather comical pie chart? Do you think the misguideds are holding us back?
9:58: This is good. This is productive. This is what Jesus would want, probably, right? To defeat a candidate because he wants to feed the poor and heal the sick? Fuck that guy.
10:03: Welp, it’s been an hour of praying. If that doesn’t help, what will? We reaaaally want it, and if we wait, it will happen! And if it doesn’t happen, then, well, God didn’t want it to happen that way. But praying was still helpful, even though it was decided already, right?
Anyway, thanks for praying with us, at this event, that was real, definitely. [RomneyMegaPrayer]
GIVE US MONEY! -