REALLY REALLY REAL  9:18 pm November 5, 2012

Romney Mega Prayer Is Real Thing Starting Right Now, Just Might Work: THE LIVEBLOOG

by Rich Abdill

Karl Rove sweats blood as well.The mysterious entity that created RomneyMegaPrayer.com has already pretty much conceded the election to Barack Obama.

“Sort of depressing, isn’t it? Pretty much no amount of campaigning at this point is going to change things. Obama’s going to win,” the cartoon lady in the infographic tells us. “However, a question has been on my mind and it won’t leave me alone.”

What’s that question, Cartoon Lady?

“What would happen if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney?”

Indeed.

What WOULD happen, RomneyMegaPrayer? WHAT WOULD HAPPEN?

Would that do anything at all? I mean, how could prayer affect a national election? The idea is just sort of ridiculous really.

Right…

Honestly, I don’t even know why you’re still reading this. No one takes this stuff seriously. No one at all.

Uh huh…

Except scientists.

Oh.

Well, that sounds mighty convincing, and we are all signed up for the email list (twice!), and it’s supposed to start at 9 p.m. EST! TONIGHT! Let us do the ol’ livebloog song and dance, for God! And country!

9:00: Here we go! It’s time to pray for Mitt Romney’s victory! Hey, if we’re assuming Obama gets more votes, how is this supposed to work? Are we praying for suppressed Democratic turnout? Broken voting machines? Should we ask God to give some electors brain-bubbles?

9:04: Is anything happening? Anybody out there? Four minutes of group praying seems like God would have at least given some kind of sign, like, “I hear you, what’s up, everyone who’s praying?” That’s what he does when everybody else prays, right?

9:05: I think I felt some kind of a rumble. Was that a rumble?

9:07: Hey, what is this science Cartoon Lady mentioned? She said “there have been hundreds of scientific studies proving the effects of group prayer,” but that kind of sounds the opposite of what actually happens, which is.. nothing… right?

The first study is from Psychosomatic Medicine, and — we are not doctors or anything — but it seems to suggest that old people who have heart surgery are less likely to die if they are not all alone.

Does that help Romney? It does, right? Whatever. Keep praying.

9:14: Something, somewhere, is happening. It has to be. Someone said it was going to help — that mean’s it’s going to help. Maybe we need special hats?

9:17: Hey! Another one of the studies linked to just says there are “small (1-4 mm Hg) but consistent differences in measured systolic and diastolic blood pressures between frequent (once/wk) and infrequent (< once/wk) religious service attenders”! It is starting to seem like this isn’t real

9:18: Still praying. WHAT, DID YOU STOP?

9:22: I forgot to mention — they provided more evidence that this is a good idea. Hey! Don’t stop praying! Pray while you read. Pray and read, like the monks of yore:

When the Muslim Ottoman Empire threatened Europe with a massive invasion, the Pope called for all of Europe to pray. No one expected to win. Or to live.

But — did you know? — they did live. And… they won. They defeated the Muslims. Just like Romney will.

9:33: I don’t think it’s working. Are any of you praying for the people up in New York or New Jersey, who lost their homes to Hurricane Sandy? Well stop. We need to focus. God already decided those people are going to have a lousy Thanksgiving. Help Romney.

9:37: OK, so Nate Silver just crawled out of his woodshed full of newspaper clippings and switched Florida to a 52.5 percent chance of going for Obama? GUYS. THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT WE ARE PRAYING FOR. Get Richard Mourdock on the phone, we need to find out if this is God’s will.

9:41: How long does this group prayer thing last? I’m getting tired, and I’m pretty sure I’m about to start sweating blood.

9:47: Hey, check it out! The #romneymegaprayer hashtag is sponsored by Priorities USA Action, the pro-Romney super PAC! Gosh, it’s almost like people are taking advantage of religion a little bit to help Romney.

Nevermind. Keeeep praaayingggg.

9:51: Is it working?

9:53: Is anyone else starting to worry about this rather comical pie chart? Do you think the misguideds are holding us back?

"Good People" = White Evangelicals?

9:58: This is good. This is productive. This is what Jesus would want, probably, right? To defeat a candidate because he wants to feed the poor and heal the sick? Fuck that guy.

10:03: Welp, it’s been an hour of praying. If that doesn’t help, what will? We reaaaally want it, and if we wait, it will happen! And if it doesn’t happen, then, well, God didn’t want it to happen that way. But praying was still helpful, even though it was decided already, right?

Anyway, thanks for praying with us, at this event, that was real, definitely. [RomneyMegaPrayer]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 518 comments }

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 9:19 pm

Might as well pray, it's not like we weren't on our knees already.

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm

And saying "Oh God, Oh God," which is sort of like praying.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 9:30 pm

It's not polite to talk with your mouth full.

boskolives November 5, 2012 at 9:35 pm

As always, more than a mouthful is a waste…..

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:45 pm

That's not "what she said."

LibertyLover November 5, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I'm never on my knees when I'm saying that.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 6, 2012 at 8:26 am

Kneeling down, bent over, whatever.

doloras November 5, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Wait, which Jesus are we praying to? Trinitarian God-the-Son Jesus, or Mormon Lucifer's Brother Jesus? Or are they both getting the message? Or Mohammad's-best-friend Muslim Jesus, even?

MacRaith November 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Salvadoran Jesus, the guy who does my neighbor's lawn. He's as good as any other, right?

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm

I like to picture Jesus wearing a tuxedo t-shirt, cuz he wants to be formal but he's here to party.

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 10:59 pm

Mellow ass whatever makes you happy, Episcopalian Jesus, he drives a Subaru, watches soccer, recycles, eats pussy. That guy is totally cool.

T3rbo November 6, 2012 at 1:11 am

wait, who? I was praying to Mountain Dew, I was doing it wrong?

HogeyeGrex November 6, 2012 at 2:25 am

AOT,K?

Generation[redacted] November 6, 2012 at 9:02 am

You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.

Chet Kincaid_ November 6, 2012 at 9:16 am

Jesus was quite the glad-handing backslapper, shmoozed with everybody!

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Anyone watching Maddow? She's playing Obama's greatest hits, with no divine intervention necessary.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 9:30 pm

Thanks for the heads up–I'm catching her at 9PM Pacific time.

idrobny November 6, 2012 at 8:00 am

all the praying in the world wont help him. god does not vote, people do!

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Praying, it's so much better than actually fucking doing something.
What are you guys going to pray for?

fartknocker November 5, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Any of the lady models from the Wonkette Bazaar showing up in Austin wearing their merch while we enjoy a drinky thingy.

MosesInvests November 5, 2012 at 10:26 pm

AMEN!

HistoriCat November 5, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Now you're just mocking God – you should limit yourself to somewhat realistic prayers.

Jus_Wonderin November 6, 2012 at 5:48 am

Wait just a minute. Is there gonna be an Austin drinky thing? I missed the memo.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Same thing I've been praying for all along–an Obama victory and a strong result for the Dems.

Oh, and world peace also, too.

Please, no one tell me that I'm more likely to get the latter…

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 11:25 pm

Callyson, meet me here tomorrow night. I want to be with the people I love the most, please.

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 12:04 am

I'll be here late (FML, I have a damned class tomorrow night that I CANNOT miss) but will be here around 10:30 Pacific time. Let's do the damn thing!)

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 10:17 pm

A backbiting fuck-tussle, as always.

HogeyeGrex November 6, 2012 at 2:27 am

That I might actually fucking do something.

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:27 am

I'm praying that Romney goes down in an electoral college landslide and that the GOP tears itself to pieces. It's time to abandon the Republican party to the Evangelicals and wingnuts and create a third party that is fiscally conservative but socially moderate. Not that I'd ever join such a party, but it would be nice to have two reasonable parties that could actually debate and respectfully work together to solve some problems.

mbatch November 6, 2012 at 8:00 am

That Todd Akin and Richard Mourdock both find another line of work. Perhaps selling bibles door to door.

Come here a minute November 5, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Ha ha, fuck them, I have already GIGAPRAYED to the FSM! All hail its noodly appendage!

mille derps November 5, 2012 at 11:16 pm

Ramen!

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 11:39 pm

Alfredo, who art in heaven…

FlownOver November 6, 2012 at 12:25 am

Speaking in linguini?

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 9:24 pm

This is me, feeling the prayer in the air: Time to whip out my ballot [yes I'm lazy I've had it for weeks shut up that's why], fill in that sweet, sweet dark oval for Obama, and drop in the mailbox so it gets postmarked tomorrow.

Smells like… victory.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 10:23 pm

"fill in that sweet, sweet dark oval"

Huh huh huh.

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I think it has to ARRIVE by tomorrow, not be postmarked. Better check that again and make haste to wherever you can personally deliver that ballot!

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Ah, trust me… in Washington, it is most definitely required to be "postmarked" by tomorrow! (This is a matter that gets discussed every year.)

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 12:56 am

If we have to wait for your vote to be counted before Obama is declared the winner, I don't think I can live through the experience.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 5, 2012 at 11:30 pm

I keep telling you, I have a feeling this is the year of the Socialist-Liberation Party. You'll be sorry you didn't back the winner when the revolution comes.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 11:34 pm

I'll cry, "Save me, Lionel! You're my only hope!" and hide behind you when the horses and bayonets arrive.

bumfug November 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Yeah, don't you remember back in the day when Abbie Hoffman and everybody got together&nbsp;and chanted OM and just like that the Pentagon levitated? This shit works just the same! It's science!

swordfis November 5, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I think I was there. Did it ever come back down?

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 12:59 am

Sorry to say, I'm old enough to remember Abbie Hoffman. My favorite was that thing about cutting the post-paid label off your phone bill (ha, ha they paid once upon a time, kiddies) and taping it to a box of bricks addressed to Nixon's CREEP headquarters.

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 9:26 pm

I'm going to pray that I can get back off my knees.

boskolives November 5, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Would praying for him to burst into flames count? If so, how about if he's in a three way with Queen Eggs and Lyin Ryan? I'd double down on that, especially if I could get the distribution rights to the video.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 9:32 pm

"how about if he's in a three way with Queen Eggs and Lyin Ryan?"

They already tried that; Mitt insisted on wearing a dress and being called "Mitzi", and it ended up in a big argument between the other two over who got to tie him up and peg him.

boskolives November 5, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Strap-on libel!

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 11:41 pm

"I'm crossing the finish line! I'm crossing the finish line!"

AlterNewt November 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Dear Missouri Jesus,

Please give me a hot wheels and a landslide.

tHank you

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm

And a puppy!

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:47 pm

You will get whatever he can find at the local Dollar General, and you will like it, Missourah Jesus be praised!

AlterNewt November 5, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Help me, Missouri Jesus!

MosesInvests November 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Help us, Obi-wan Kenobi!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

And Legos! The real ones, not those knock-offs.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Mmmm, dollar store "legoz", filled with melamine and lead. My favorite!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:15 am

Mmm.. lead-y.

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I suspected my parents didn't truly love me when I got Duplos for my birthday. Sniff…

PennyDreadful November 5, 2012 at 11:48 pm

But Duplos *are* Legos! So now you can look back on your childhood with a renewed sense of joy.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:01 am

Yeah, they were manufactured for the Mormon planet Duplo, but somehow found their way to your house.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:47 pm

*sigh* Great. Socks, scarf, underwear, and my auntie knit me a sweater.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:40 am

Oh but it's such a nice sweater! It has a reindeer and a Santa! And a holly! Put it on so auntie can take a picture!

fartknocker November 5, 2012 at 11:34 pm

For reasons I won't explain, Missouri does have some awesome truck stop food. Maybe it's my Abortioplex remnants.

HogeyeGrex November 6, 2012 at 2:33 am

I got a rock.

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I hear that, if you pray AND VOTE, the chance of your candidate winning increases by approximately one vote. Amazing stuff, prayer.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 9:29 pm

I'll need to see that equation on a chalkboard, please.

Designer_Rants November 5, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Preferably a chalkboard with pictures of Jesus, Hitler, George Soros, et al for some reason and with lines drawn connecting them, again, for some reason.

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Wait, I didn't think Jesus was a US Citizen. Can we get Fox News to investigate some voter fraud out there?

Wile E. Quixote November 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Sorry, but anyone who joins in this group prayer for Mitt Romney is going to Hell where they'll be sodomized by Satan for all eternity. Don't believe me, well it's in the Bible, the Book of Matthew, Chapter 6. which says

5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.
7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.
8 Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
9 After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
10 Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.
13 And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
14 For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15 But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Sorry, but unless you're in the closet and secretly praying for Mitt Romney you're going to end up sucking demonic cock in Hell for all eternity. Don't bitch at me, if you have a problem with this take it up with Jesus.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 9:35 pm

If I thought anybody would get it, I would have a bumper sticker that just said, "Matthew 6:5-6".

just_a_head November 6, 2012 at 1:20 am

I'd buy that puppy and slap it on.

Selfish_T November 5, 2012 at 9:39 pm

Don't worry, we're just supposed to take the parts about the gays and Adam & Eve literally.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:52 pm

The part about not eating bacon – not so much…

HobbesEvilTwin November 5, 2012 at 10:16 pm

and shellfish, please.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm

We'll try to accommodate your shellfish desires.

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Wait wait, wait a minute. Was that shit in red letters? Cuz if not, then it's bullshit.
Read the fine print, sheeple!

just_a_head November 6, 2012 at 1:21 am

That's definitely a red letter passage.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:03 am

And I thought it was bad being in the closet with R. Kelly.

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 6, 2012 at 1:09 am

Marcus is a good Xtian and always prays while in the closet.

HogeyeGrex November 6, 2012 at 2:39 am

Ah. Some of my favorite verses, there. If only more of the Christopaths would pay attention to them and shut the fuck up, the world would be an immeasurably better place.

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:36 am

They edit out all the inconvenient parts and end up with a pamphlet of about ten pages that says all they have to do is say they're saved and that's enough. Oh, and that everyone who doesn't agree with them is DOOMED.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 6, 2012 at 9:36 am

They don't edit them out, they pretzel themselves explaining how you have misinterpreted the passage. Just ask Tebow. He gets this passage thrown at him all the time. http://sbcvoices.com/jesus-and-tim-tebow-part-1/

Goonemeritus November 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

I'm in, I will pray for Mitt I might even light a candle and try to remember the Rosary. I will beseech my ass off that Mr. Romney enjoys a long quite retirement surrounded by kids and grandkids. I will also ask that the Republican Party takes a deep breath and takes their Party back from the knuckleheads that have been running it for the last 30 years.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 9:36 pm

"I'm in, I will pray for Mitt I might even light a candle and try to remember the Rosary."

This is awesome, because it is so Catholic that it would give Mitt and the bibble thumpers a heart attack if they knew about it.

LibertyLover November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm

Not sure that's gonna work. Even Bush Jr. is too moderate to these bozos.

deanbooth November 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm

It's knuckleheads all the way down.

BumbleKid November 5, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Why not? Worked for Rick Perry.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Say, whatever happened to that guy, anyways?

BumbleKid November 5, 2012 at 9:49 pm

He's still running my state! PRAISE JEEBUS

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Dang…

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:55 pm

You know, I think that term limits for legislators are a bad idea, but I fully support term limits for executives above the level of a mayor. That's just too much concentrated power to allow to be entrenched.

ImForMitt! November 5, 2012 at 10:28 pm

See, now I prayed that he'd be doing precisely that at precisely this time. (Technically, I prayed he'd be doing that tomorrow.)

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 10:50 pm

I read that as "He's still ruining my state!" Which I assume you meant also, too.

VinnyThePooh November 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Not exactly. Ranger Ricky prayed for rain. God gave him wildfires.

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Well, you know what they say, when god gives you wildfires, make a request to the feds for wildfire-aid.

littlebigdaddy November 5, 2012 at 9:29 pm

As Jerry G. once sung, "I need a miracle every day."

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 10:30 pm

He also sang, "We will survive".

slowhansolo November 5, 2012 at 10:43 pm

"Tumble down shack in Bigfoot County, snowed so hard the roof caved in…"

Simple J Malarkey November 5, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Too much of everything is just enough

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 11:45 pm

That needs a blingee.

Simple J Malarkey November 5, 2012 at 11:58 pm

No can do. Blingee.com does not permit nudity or offensive content.

FeloniousMonk November 6, 2012 at 4:42 am

If we're going to go all hippy-dippy, how's about this for prophecy?

"Goddamn, I declare, have you seen the like?
Their walls are built of cannon balls,
Their motto is Don't tread on me."

That's been running through my head ever since the Tea Party crawled out of the fever swamps. Let it stop tomorrow, please.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 9:30 pm

A statistical graph that might help us all be of good cheer:
http://election.princeton.edu/todays-electoral-vo

sewollef November 6, 2012 at 8:47 am

Yowsa. I like that graph.

JackObin November 5, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I'm praying someone tells the Romney boy that lying is a sin, alcohol and coffee are both good for the health and that there are no gods.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 9:31 pm

God is sick and tired of my minute-ly prayers for Obama by now.

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 9:32 pm

Latest update from our boyfriend Nate Silver – Obama 91.4% chance of victory, Romney 8.6% chance.

Electoral votes projection – Obama 314.4, Romney 223.6.

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 9:33 pm

Wait it jumped that high? Wow, I thought it would be up around 90 but that's amazing. They might need to start praying to more things too… You know, Koch and Husted and the like.

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Polls were good for Obama, today. Everyday they are good for him increases the likelihood of a win.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 9:54 pm

right? it went from 307 to 314 tonight.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 9:55 pm

i bet nate silver's nerd cave is on fire tonight.

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:59 pm

If the burning lasts for more than four hours, he should really get to the urgent care.

imissopus November 5, 2012 at 10:08 pm

NATE SILVER USES THE DEVIL'S MATH!!!

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Oh, so you mean, well, math?

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Arithmetic!

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Wasn't math invented by the Arabs? I know the number zero and algebra both were…

Simple J Malarkey November 5, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Oh, Nate's way off. I got Obama at 299. I was goofing around with HuffPost's do-it-yourself clicky electoral map for almost ten minutes, so I got it all over Nate.

trampndirtdown November 5, 2012 at 11:02 pm

So you spent more time on your projection than Mitt did on his five point plan?

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:04 am

FTW.

HogeyeGrex November 6, 2012 at 3:00 am

Hey. That was nearly a minute a point.

bikerlaureate November 5, 2012 at 11:52 pm

I didn't think to pray about it, but seeing FlorDuh turn light blue on 538 feels like an answer to prayer!

/one tired hippie in 321 who will be canvassing again in 8 hours…

Bonzos_Bed_Time November 6, 2012 at 1:12 am

Americuh's schlong is totally blue! And 538 is up to 92%!!!

FeloniousMonk November 6, 2012 at 2:37 am

Including the panhandle/scrotum. It's been a long time, but I remember what blue balls feel like. Don't worry, Apalachicola, your love will be requited.

RufusTFirefly November 6, 2012 at 1:03 am

But are those UNSKEWED!!!11!!!

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:40 am

I check our boyfriend Nate's projections twice a day, then call my father and read them to him. Dad keeps saying that the Koch brothers and Karl Rove are going to cheat. I think they've done most of the lying and cheating that they can already. We have to have some faith in our fellow citizens who are poll workers that they're honorable. I think they are. I'm still lighting a few candles today and crossing all my fingers and toes.

PsycWench November 5, 2012 at 9:34 pm

My parents prayed that I would eventually get my Ph.D, And I did! Well, I did research and wrote and took classes too, but that's beside the point.

JustPixelz November 6, 2012 at 6:50 am

Like in "My Fair Lady" after Eliza successfully convinces the upper-crust she's one of them then Henry Higgins says "I did it!".

sewollef November 6, 2012 at 8:51 am

Nah-ah… that would be, 'enry 'iggins to be cinematically accurate.

Can't you speak English?

Terry November 6, 2012 at 7:43 am

When I finished both my thesis and later my dissertation, Mom took the document up to the Rectory and made the priest read the intro then bless it. She's had him bless my other publications, too, a fact which I lord over my colleagues mercilessly. They may do good science, but I do good and blessed science.

PsycWench November 6, 2012 at 9:01 am

That is the best dissertation story EVER.

NDeeeZ November 5, 2012 at 9:34 pm

I think Emo Philips has the ultimate comment about the power of prayer:

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way.
So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me."

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Lesson of this campaign: Hurricanes have a liberal bias.

LibertyLover November 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

God works in mysterious ways.

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 10:30 pm

New Orleans begs to differ…

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:06 am

Well, it did give us a standard by which to judge the current president's response time.

sewollef November 6, 2012 at 8:53 am

Brooklyn and Staten Island does too…

MozakiBlocks November 6, 2012 at 1:12 am

Remember that Mittens mocked Barry in his convention speech about wanting to heal the planet.

I think the planet took fucking offense to that.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:35 pm

So. What's all this, then?

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 9:36 pm

God *does* answer prayers! Latest tweet from Nate:

Obama gained an average of 1.5 points between 12 national polls published today. Big sample sizes. That's a pretty big deal.

Praise the Lord!

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 9:37 pm

It's a BIG FUCKING DEAL ™.

trampndirtdown November 5, 2012 at 11:04 pm

No getting drunk tonight M, you gotta get that ballot in the mail!

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Ohhhh yeah. No worries there.

I'm under a big work crunch, so it's no drinkies for me no-how.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 5, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Not stopping me.

Lascauxcaveman November 6, 2012 at 1:40 am

Barry doesn't need her vote in WA, he's a walk in WA. It's (D – gov candidate) Jay Inslee that needs her vote, and Gay Marriage, and legal dope, and closing tax loopholes for undeserving financial institutions…

As usual, all politics is local.

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 2:33 am

I'mma vote, I'mma vote… every vote counts, even the last minute ones.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:07 am

I thought Joe Biden already trademarked that.

LibertyLover November 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

As long as people vote.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 10:29 pm

My ballot went out two weeks ago, and I'll be on the phone tomorrow to do my part.Fired up! Ready to go!

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Voted straight blue via paper ballot last week.

Close_Read November 5, 2012 at 9:39 pm

That rumbling sound while everyone was praying, that's the sound of the Ohio voting machine's new Karl Rove-anointed software kicking in and working its magics.

StarsUponThars November 5, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Dear lord, before we peel the foil back from your bounty we ask you to watch over little Timmy O'Toole trapped in that well.

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm

I feel a great disturbance in the force, as if a million people derped in unison and where suddenly silenced…

OT: Rachel is having an unusually subdued (and sometimes depressing) for election night eve. Hmmm. I guess we all need to have our feet on the ground, tomorrow, and not be up in the clouds.

zumpie November 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

I love Rachel, but sometimes she'll get all Debbie Downer, freaky pessimist and it bugs. Remember her "Talk me Down" segment in 2008? The same election we truly just counted the days because it was that or what the Krusty/Barbie Humiliation Carnival?

Yet she still thought we were 30 seconds away from total defeat half the time

LloydDrako November 5, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Well, it's well known that if we all jump up and down simultaneously for a few minutes, the earth will begin to wobble on its axis. So why wouldn't mass prayer help Romney win?

FeloniousMonk November 6, 2012 at 3:04 am

There are worse outcomes of jumping up and down. None as bad as Romney winning, though.

AngryBlakGuy November 5, 2012 at 9:42 pm

…isn't that like praying to win the power ball? You really want to win it, but know you have a better chance of getting a handjob from a one legged, Vietnamese dwarf, named "delicious", that you met in the mens room while on a cocaine and alcohol fueled binge on south beach! Not that I am speaking from personal experience or anything!

Crank_Tango November 5, 2012 at 9:49 pm

No matter what, I say you take that chance. It's called bucket list, or as the kids say #YOLO.

AngryBlakGuy November 5, 2012 at 10:24 pm

…meh, if I'm gonna pray for something that 99 out of 100 times will never happen, I would rather pray for a "penthouse magazine" style rendezvous with Megan Fox and Zoe Saldana!

AlterNewt November 5, 2012 at 10:29 pm

I find no flaws in that logic.

Angry_Marmot November 5, 2012 at 10:26 pm

No matter how good that one-legged Vietnamese dwarf may look to you now, just remind yourself that somewhere, some time, there's some guy who's sick of her shit.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 10:34 pm

I was under the impression that the Vietnamese dwarf was a man, since he/she was found in the men's room. But really, who knows? And who cares?

We're all God's creatures.

zumpie November 5, 2012 at 10:29 pm

well….. did you enjoy your, um, experience with Delicious? Cause as long as you had a good time and are happy, dear….

trampndirtdown November 5, 2012 at 11:08 pm

You er wouldn't happen to have Delicious' numba would you?

AngryBlakGuy November 6, 2012 at 3:41 am

…no, but I can get it for you. Her number is written on one of the stalls

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:23 am

Wait, is this delicious who's missing the left leg below the knee or delicious who has the hip disarticulation on the right side?

just_a_head November 6, 2012 at 1:24 am

"I'd say it stinks."

"How would you know?! When were YOU in that men's room?!"

Spurning Beer November 5, 2012 at 9:42 pm

The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 9:43 pm

i can't get on the obama volunteer dashboard thingee!! it just keeps spinning and spinning.

is this the power of prayer?

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 10:51 pm

Shit–I hope you contacted them about the problem so they can fix it, pronto…

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:44 pm

Yup, a prayer's about all Rmoney's got left, election-wise…

boskolives November 5, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I'm praying for Eggs to make a last ditch campaign stop in her hometown of Stepford, where she will blend in and only by standing on top of her checkbook will she be able to raise herself above the crowd.

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 9:46 pm

If scientists believe in something like prayer, you know it's gotta be a harebrain scheme.

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 9:46 pm

If only they would pray nonstop tomorrow from 6:30 AM to 7:30 PM, then they'd have a real impact.

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Praying can't win a fucking football game, why would it influence a presidential election?

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 9:49 pm

Apparently it only works for Notre Dame, considering what happened last Saturday.

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Well, they've got the Pope on their side, so it's not entirely the same – direct line to God and all.

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:25 am

I have three favorite NCAA football teams. They are the University of Washington Huskies, the Texas A&M Aggies and whoever is playing those bastards at Notre Dame this weekend.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:10 am

Can I watch the games at your house?

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

You from Cleveland?

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 10:33 pm
BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:51 pm

The outcome of this game has presaged the election results without a break since when? 2004? I'll bet Obama doesn't get a wink of sleep tonight if hears about this.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 6, 2012 at 9:44 am

And the proof is the Bears this week, blowing it out for godless Chicago.

arihaya November 5, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Let's pray that prediction of Nate Silver (peace be upon him) will come true.

marinmaven November 5, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Our boyfriend, Nate would prefer you to call it a probability than a prediction, but at 91 percent probability, we might want take those odds. Yes, pray and pray hard.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:13 am

The Young Turks had a feature filmed in Las Vegas last week. A rep from a sports betting company explained how elections are handicapped and why we should believe their line that Obama will win. Basically his message was, "Serious gamblers might care who wins, but they wouldn't put their money on someone they think will lose." And the money's on Obama, according to him.

Crank_Tango November 5, 2012 at 9:48 pm

Did it work? Did mittens shit himself yet? That's what we were praying for, right?

StarsUponThars November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

<makes the brown sound> Amen.

Designer_Rants November 5, 2012 at 11:36 pm

I was trying to make mystery goo come out of his ear holes.

ElPinche November 6, 2012 at 1:31 am

Thank God for those magic undies by Haliburton, able to withstand 12 lbs of semi-solid ..failure.

Spurning Beer November 5, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Presidential elections will now have the same foundation as professional team sports in the US. The team that prays most effectively to Jesus will prevail. For Jesus. Jesus is Lord! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

marinmaven November 5, 2012 at 11:19 pm

It would probably be avantageous if we split up, spread the risk, and pray to all the gods, goddesses, and the forces of nature. Are we really sure who is in charge here? No. I am sure we can google our way through this, right?

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 12:51 am

All prayers are answered, but sometimes the answer is no.

heathenette November 6, 2012 at 4:58 am

Don’t forget praying to your ancesters, too. Also. Who fucking knows. Cover all your bases and hedge all your bets. And knock on wood. But mostly trust Nate Silver’s math.

Crank_Tango November 5, 2012 at 9:50 pm

Shhhhhh!!!! Don't give mittens any ideas. Well actually, I am sure they are working on that angle already.

azeyote November 5, 2012 at 9:51 pm

man that was a whole lot of prayin. i got a little lost on the way – did we get saved or what?

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Tommorrow we will be saved for at least another four years.

C_R_Eature November 5, 2012 at 9:52 pm

I think all their effort is actually doing something.
I'm starting to feel like a Praying Mantis. In Sensurround.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:58 pm
C_R_Eature November 5, 2012 at 10:29 pm

It wasn't me! I do know a few Giant squids that are pretty outraged, though.
I wouldn't put it past them.

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 10:13 pm

Cool. Don't know him/them.

C_R_Eature November 5, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Don Dixon, pretty darn good singer/songwriter and (BONUS) married to Marti Jones, the lucky bastard.

Mumbletypeg November 6, 2012 at 9:46 am

"She wanted his body so much/ She ate his bra-a-ain" ♪

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I can't believe anybody else remembers this song.
Or, in fact, knew it to begin with.

C_R_Eature November 5, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Well I was doing a lot of etymological work when this hit the radio and I fell hard for it, for the sheer weirdness. And Insects. And it's a good tune and Dixon's a great writer.

It was a time when I was having a lot of Bad Crazy Fun and this tune was part of the soundtrack. Still makes me chuckle.

tessiee November 5, 2012 at 11:57 pm

"It was a time when I was having a lot of Bad Crazy Fun"

So you know that creepy song "Obsession"? I was at work when it was popular and played on the radio in our office. I said, "on the count of three, say the name of the person this song reminds you of".

What's even creepier is that *everybody* was reminded of somebody.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:28 am

Yeah, I know a few folks like that. WTF is wrong with people anyway?

So that's where the phrase come from? I Forgot! I do know the song and it was on a Phllly station so much I had to make up alternate Rude lyrics to it to amuse myself with. Sadly, I've forgotten them but I do remember they weren't very good.

JackObin November 5, 2012 at 9:55 pm

Are you sure that it's praying and not preying?

nirrti_rachelle November 5, 2012 at 9:56 pm

“What would happen if everyone prayed for Mitt Romney?”

…….Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Why. Why. Why did I check in at the Wonkette again……..?
Was someone praying that I would?

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 9:58 pm

Today, we are all "misguided."

mavenmaven November 5, 2012 at 9:59 pm

That cartoon lady has some big boobies. Can we adopt her here at Wonkette after the election?

Crank_Tango November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

megs mccabe is NO cartoon lady!

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 10:06 pm

IT"S PALIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YasserArraFeck November 5, 2012 at 11:02 pm

She's pretty hot in a straightlaced librarian sort of way. Maybe she's one of these jumpy christian ladies?

sewollef November 6, 2012 at 8:58 am

Hey Yass… you visit some verrry strange websites.
Don't get me wrong…. I'm not complaining, just observing.

SexySmurf November 5, 2012 at 9:59 pm

It didn't work because I was praying to Satan.

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Both sides do it.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Satan? Dang, I was praying to Santa.

Spurning Beer November 5, 2012 at 10:22 pm

He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake!

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:04 am

A few years back, one of the students where I worked was singing along with her walkman (or whatever you call those things). She didn't know I was there, and she didn't have the words quite right, but she sang with great enthusiasm:
"Ohhh…
You better not shout — you better not pout,
You better not fight — you better not bite,
You better not, uh…
You better not burp — you better not fart,
And, uh…
And we all know why,
Because Santa Claus…
IS
COMING
TOOOOO
TOWWWWNNN!!!"

poorgradstudent November 5, 2012 at 10:37 pm

I think you gotta pray to Mittens' actual god.

Not the Mormon God, I mean Mammon.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 10:00 pm

OT alert:

Monday Night Football will air interviews from Obama & Mittens at halftime–there are less than two minutes left in the half.

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 10:00 pm

BTW, if Barack wins tomorrow, do I finally get my (little) pony?

BTW x 2, I'm praying to someone or something that Bachmann's days in the House are finally numbered.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

jet packs. i want jet packs.

and buh-bye to bachmann, walsh and west.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:21 pm

Yes. And yes, yes, and yes.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:15 am

I gave up on the jet pack years ago. But I'll happily embrace the other three things.

NellCote71 November 5, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Dancing ponies for us all.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I’m pretty sure I’m about to start sweating blood.

STIGMATA LIBEL!

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Poor Rich, no amount of prayer is going to save him from that mortal sin. Ooops….

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:13 am

Disagree; sweating blood used to be embarrassing and socially unacceptable, but we're more accepting nowadays, and there's no longer any stigmata attached to it.

Disassembly November 5, 2012 at 10:01 pm

I wish they'd cut it out. There must be some crossed wires and now all the squirrels in my backyard are speaking in tongues.

ProgressiveInga November 5, 2012 at 11:00 pm

F
T
W

Thanks for that.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 12:24 am

Those fucking squirrels! Are they talking to you too?

Disassembly November 6, 2012 at 10:15 am

Yeah, but now they're talking about Nate Silver. That guy's gotten a lot of attention recently.

Estproph November 5, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Only in2012 America would a cartoon telling us to pray for a doodle be considered serious political discussion.

dennis1943 November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

He needs prayers all right…….for all his many sins…….

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:17 am

You mean like "Thou shalt not bear false witness"? Isn't that in the Book of Mormon?

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

It's been awhile since I did this whole pray to Zeus thing. Is the tinfoil hat required, or optional?

LibertyLover November 5, 2012 at 10:09 pm

Tinfoil hat is optional, but anal probe is mandatory.

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 10:11 pm

…be gentle.

Tio_Doidinho November 5, 2012 at 10:18 pm

My enemies will all be vanquished, so long as I have Zeus in my…heart.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:14 am

The bad news is that the tinfoil hat is required.
The good news is that you don't have to wear it on your head.

LibertyLover November 5, 2012 at 10:05 pm

“there have been hundreds of scientific studies proving the effects of group prayer,”

How come they believe these scientists, but not climate scientists?

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 10:44 pm

Climate 'scientists' are just Weather Channel rejects.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 10:55 pm

Because *these* scientists don't support their pre-conceived beliefs?

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Tonight I developed a sudden case of diahhrea…my stomach keeps flip flopping. I can't stop running for office. I have to take a Shit Romney.

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 10:06 pm

OT: There were three hour waits, today, in Detroit for in-person absentee voting, and this isn't even a swing state. Enthusiasm gap, my ass. Black people are more motivated than ever to vote, now it's up to everyone else to help bring this thing home, tomorrow.

FlipFlopFuck November 5, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Time to go a little Wanda Sykes on whitey's ass.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 10:38 pm

Me no understand "in-person + absentee" voting. Does that just mean early voting? Because, for my money, absentee voting means by mail, no lines.

??!!

Negropolis November 5, 2012 at 11:10 pm

It means that you have a reason for not being present at the polls on election day, so you get to come in an vote early. It's "early voting" with tight qualifications. You can do it by mail, and you can also do it in person if you're able.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:35 am

In WI "voting absentee" means you have to go to the city clerk's office to cast your vote. Depending on how populated your city is, it could mean standing in line for some time. I always vote on election day (6 this year!) because I live in Madison and all these Madison hippies [hi hippies!] wanna vote early because. Just cuz, I guess. I prefer to have a bloody mary on election day and then vote and then drink more.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:24 am

I hand-carried my ballot and my mother's to the post office on October 15. I was fired up and ready to go that day, but since then, my excitement has morphed into a hideous headache with intermittent acid reflux . I look at those long lines and wish voting could be as easy for everyone else as it is (inexplicably) in Arizona.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

"wish voting could be as easy for everyone else as it is (inexplicably) in Arizona."

Obviously you are not a brown person.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 6:01 pm

In Arizona currently, anyone who has citizenship, a legal residence, and a Social Security card can vote by mail.No one can intimidate you at the polls if you don't go to the polls.In Pima County, where I live, the head of elections is of the brown persuasion herself.We might have homeless people who are citizens, yet cannot vote for a lack of address (which is terrible), but a goodly number of them are white, which I know because several members of my family work in social services.I also have a friend who works for Job Corps where the vast majority of attendees are people of color.They host a member of government each year who comes to talk to the students about voting and registers them on the spot.From what I hear about Phoenix, many people of color in Maricopa felt that voting was a hopeless case, which is why they didn't even bother to register (interestingly, many of those who did voted for Bush in both his terms).This year there was a huge drive in the Phoenix metro to register Latinos and encourage them to turn out.I'm not saying things are perfect here, and I don't doubt that as soon as Arizona turns blue there will be an effort to suppress voting similar to what's going on in Florida.But I've lived in many different locations in my lifetime and of all of them Arizona makes voting easiest and at least the Democrats are knocking themselves out to make sure people of every nationality and color are registering to vote.

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 2:38 am

I already have my lunch packed for the lines this morning. Gonna try to go really early but not risking-getting-stabbed early. Last time around I got to my polling place at 4am and there were already people there, it was kinda fucking sweet actually. There was a guy making coffee runs for everyone and playing Sam Cooke from his car radio. It was all very kumbaya, definately one of the coolest things I've ever been a part of.

Disassembly November 5, 2012 at 10:08 pm

İyi geceler, sweet prince.

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 10:09 pm

I like to pray naked, cuz my rod and my staff comfort me.

Angry_Marmot November 5, 2012 at 10:16 pm

That would make standing in line more enjoyable…

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Gives new meaning to the Hanging Chads.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:16 am

Um, who exactly works on your staff, and how did you hire them?

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 1:07 am

After 4 hail Marys you're supposed to seek medical help.
I do know this one nurse at Kaiser…..

smellypossum November 6, 2012 at 9:55 am

You have a rod AND a staff? Damn, they must line up outside your door.

I think I saw a video of that one time. On accident.

spareme November 5, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I think God is up there, in the mist of a great poker game or something like that, wishing like hell all of us would shut up and leave him alone – except you know, like an emergency. After all, he gave us the ways and means to live, what else do we want from him (unconditional love – ok, I'm good with that). I think that he would be real pissed if we screwed up his poker game for the likes of Romney.

GeneralLerong November 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Here, a nice picture for you:

Read 'Em and Weep, Apostle Peeps

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 10:12 pm

From the pagey linky thingy. "So far, 94.2% of people think this is interesting!"

For once I'm in the top 5.8%!

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:57 pm

Occupy natl_[redacted]_cmdr!!!!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:10 pm

Eeep! Oh nos!

[I'll be on the fainting couch.]

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:17 am

I'll bring the coconut oil!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:02 am

[Gasp!] Are we sexing in the comments? Dok Zoom told us not to!

FlipFlopFuck November 5, 2012 at 10:12 pm

I'm praying I don't have to move to Canada…if Romney wins Ohio.

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm
Doktor Zoom November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm

The Miracles continue!

zooey deschanel‏@ZooeyDeschanel

Ladies: I want to let you know that I am voting for @BarackObama tomorrow. Here’s why: http://www.barackobama.com/women Let your voices be heard & vote

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 10:25 pm

Okay. Now I have something to pray for.

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 11:08 pm

Brilliant! That counters Melissa Joan Hart's Romney endorsement.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 11:09 pm

But what about Stacey Dash?

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 11:40 pm

Stacey Dash can kish my ash…

Literally, she could, won't stop her…but I wouldn't respect myself in the morning.

Yes I would, I'd brag relentlessly!

But still, she's dumb.

trampndirtdown November 5, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Darn it , I always kind of had a thing for her.

SexySmurf November 6, 2012 at 12:14 am

Melissa Joan Hart, Lyndsay Lohan, Stacey Dash: endorsing Mittens is like the last stop before irrelevancy.

Mitt Romney is the new Hollywood Squares.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:18 am

I'd say Jenna Jameson, but I think she passed "irrelevant" awhile back and is now well into "unintentional self-parody".

Angry_Marmot November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm

I'm praying for Mitt Romney to go venture himself and leave me alone.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm

There's no stoppin' the cretins from hoppin'
You gotta keep it beatin'
For all the hoppin' cretins

Cretin! Cretin!

1-2-3-4
Cretins wanna hop some more
4-5-6-7
All good cretins go to heaven

clearly also among the 'misguided'

Spurning Beer November 5, 2012 at 10:14 pm

O Lord, I beseech thee, smite these self-righteous assholes up side their ugly heads. Smite their racist, yacht club asses with thy mighty foot.

MosesInvests November 5, 2012 at 10:43 pm

Amen, ken y'hi ratzon.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Nothing fails like prayer.

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 10:19 pm

I am watching Monday Night Football and they interviewed Mitt Romney. I couldn't hate this fat fuck any more than I do now. He doesn't fucking watch football and hoist an oats soda. He mentioned his involvement with the Olympics many times. Color me stunned.

spareme November 5, 2012 at 10:26 pm

I can't stand that fuckin guy.

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Spareme, I feel your pain.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Oats soda?

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Careful man, there's a beverage here!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:04 pm

I prefer hoppy pop.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 10:56 pm

I had to leave the room when Mittens came on, for the sake of my dogs' eardrums. I cannot stand the sound of his voice and am compelled to yell various obscenities at the set to drown him out.

God, this has been a loooooong election…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:04 pm

It'll be over less than 24 hours from now.

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 12:05 am

Thank God.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:25 am

Yeah, no goddamn kidding.
I'm usually a pretty mellow, easygoing, lazy lazy sort of person, but for the last couple of weeks, I've been absolutely sick with worry and anxiety, to the point where I can't sleep nights, which is completely unlike my usual self.
If it weren't for you guys and 538 and a couple of other sites, I'd be a nervous wreck.

glamourdammerung November 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

It'll be over less than 24 hours from now.

And then the 2016 election starts a few hours later…

Ugh.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:22 pm

Prayer doesn't do anything for me. I wonder if there's going to be any laying on of hands, maybe later.

trampndirtdown November 5, 2012 at 11:29 pm

O Baldar it hurts right here.

bloggingbalkanistan November 5, 2012 at 10:25 pm

I did say a little prayer for Bamz though… Jesus, Allah, Buddha-I love you all!

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:27 pm

I just went ahead and assumed that this prayer worked, and now Romney is going to be president, so I jumped the gun and prayed for the rest of America instead.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 10:30 pm

Also from the linkies: "There are no accidents. You found this site for a reason." (emphasis theirs)

Yes! And that reason is teh Wonketz. Therefore Wonketz is god.

[on knees] oh blessed are the snarkers who dwell within this world…

hollywooddood November 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm

I prayed for a pony for ten years when I was a kid. I'm still waiting.

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 10:42 pm

I know a guy who can get you a seat at a donkey show if it helps…but pony, sorry…nothing I can do there.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 10:59 pm

You made me do it…could not resist…

Clerks 2 Donkey scene

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAMdY4Vk0R4

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:08 pm

oh for fuck's sake.

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 12:04 am

Isn't it genius?

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:27 am

I feel your pain.
When I was a tiny Tessie, my Uncle Garlic used to promise to buy me a pink Cadillac when I got old enough to drive.

Jerri November 5, 2012 at 10:31 pm

Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on Mitt*, a miserable sinner.

*If there's any chance the mercy could come after President Obama handily wins tomorrow that would be ideal. Thank you and Amen.

comrad_darkness November 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

I'll totally pray for Romney. So he can get into his Planet Zorbo heaven. Because with all that money there is no fucking way he is getting into the Jesus heaven. Jesus totally said so.

Added: if this is all the right has left . . . oh, unless this is the excuse for all the switched votes Bain bought. Could be that. Shoot, I was ALMOST an optimist there. Fuck me.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:29 am

Could you make your prayer a *teensy* bit more specific?
Like, say for example, pray that Mitt gets to planet heaven within the next ten or fifteen minutes?

poorgradstudent November 5, 2012 at 10:35 pm

Uhhhh, given that I'm sure lots of people in Europe had long been praying about stopping the Ottoman Empire, and it took over the Holy Land and most of the Balkans anyway and held on to them for about 400 years, that's probably not your best example of how prayer affects politics.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:46 pm

I'm sure all the Muslims prayed for those pesky Crusaders to begone, back in the day.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:00 pm

From what I've read, most of the Christians in the Eastern Empire prayed for them to be gone, too.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:30 am

And even some Americans, also too.

poorgradstudent November 5, 2012 at 11:44 pm

Although even then the Crusaders didn't last long, especially compared to the Ottomans (who still have Constantinople!). By their own logic, the people behind the RomneyMegaPrayer better start looking into Islam…

MosesInvests November 6, 2012 at 12:54 am

Jews in the Rhineland, also, too.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 10:36 pm

well, i am for one am hoping and praying (in my own odd way) for bamz's reelection.

and for america.

this comment is fervently felt and very much snark free (and in honor of baconz).

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I miss da Baconz.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:01 pm

:0)

VinnyThePooh November 5, 2012 at 10:39 pm

God doesn't do Trickle Down either, Willard.

Doktor Zoom November 5, 2012 at 10:39 pm

OT: Saw this on Facebook tonight:

"Someone is using my mom's email address and credit. Any suggestions on what to do?"

And it took all my strength not to reply, "Post her name, DOB, Social Security, and credit card numbers here so we can keep an eye out for attempted fraud."

I definitely spend too much time on the internet.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:44 am

It is morally reprehensible to let a sucker keep his money.

C_R_Eature November 5, 2012 at 10:43 pm

This Intercessory Prayer thing is not working for you? Well, I can pray, too if that will help.

"Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" "Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" "Ph'nglui Mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:06 pm

My turn:

Sáncte Míchael Archángele, defénde nos in proélio, cóntra nequítiam et insídias diáboli ésto præsídium. Ímperet ílli Déus, súpplices deprecámur: tuque, prínceps milítiæ cæléstis, Mittensam aliósque spíritus malígnos, qui ad perditiónem animárum pervagántur in múndo, divína virtúte, in inférnum detrúde.

Ámen

C_R_Eature November 5, 2012 at 11:14 pm

That's Impressive. Latin is such an awesome language when properly deployed. You could substitute "Romney" for "Satan" and have a very effective prayer, also.

These prayers really shouldn't be in this close proximity, though – there could very well be feedback. If the Archangel Michael suddenly sprouts tentacles, I think we all will know what happened.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:20 pm

That's the Shorter Exorcism…and I *did* substitute Mitten's name for Satan's… ;0)

Doktor Zoom November 5, 2012 at 11:17 pm

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. In euismod, massa nec lobortis tincidunt, quam lorem tincidunt leo, quis rutrum elit nisi sed neque. Morbi gravida pulvinar neque, in placerat orci mollis nec. Pellentesque et mi sit amet magna faucibus dapibus at id augue. Nam sagittis, dolor a rhoncus egestas, augue nisi porttitor nibh, pulvinar congue leo eros et sapien.

Ámen

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:18 pm

Gabba gabba hey.

Simple J Malarkey November 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm

O Sibili, se ergo, Fortebus es inero. O Nobili, demis trux. Si vatsinum, causan dux.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:13 am

I am looking forward to, after all the Republican anti-voter shenanigans, tantrums Umbrage, Lawyers and whatever the hell else they'll do to make Democracy miserable, saying Zelazny's Possibly Proper Death Litany over the smoking ruins of the Romney Campaign:

"Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to insure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony.
Amen."

vulpes82 November 5, 2012 at 11:52 pm

No, that's Peggy Noonan's prayer. http://storify.com/KenLayne/something-old-is-roar

(BTW, Newell sure picked the wrong fucking time to stomp out of Wonkette in a huff just because Becca was an unprofessional boss who hit shrooms like a college freshman and forgot to contact him for 24 hours.)

BloviateMe November 5, 2012 at 11:53 pm

omney-ray is a ipshit-day.

zumpie November 5, 2012 at 10:44 pm

So is this the fundie Election Eve equivalent of going to look at the balloon floats along Central Park on Thanksgiving Eve or watching the Yule Log on Christmas Eve? Except not fun and not filled with anticipation–and resulting in deep disappointment?

Cause that would be kinda lame and sad. Like Mittens!

slowhansolo November 5, 2012 at 10:45 pm

I, too, just prayed to God. But all I got was "Crossroads" at Winterland…

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Clapton is God.

GregComlish November 5, 2012 at 10:49 pm

BTW: Greg Comlish is totally voting for Jill Stein tomorrow. My vote doesn't count for shit since I live in a safe state, but regardless I'll be squandering it on a candidate more willing to confront America's descent into a corporatist state.

BTWBFDIMHO November 5, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Stopped into a megachurch of the last insane
I passed along the way
Well, I got down on my knees
And I pretend to pray.

Guppy November 5, 2012 at 10:54 pm

If Rick Scott's and Pam Bondi's Florida goes blue tomorrow, the entire state needs to be taken out back and slapped around a bit.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:32 am

It sorta does anyway.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 10:56 pm

All these people prayin' ain't about shit, since Mitt already done sold his soul to the debbil down at the crossroads to get the Republican nomination.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:00 pm

Robert Johnson sold his soul. Mittenz took over RJ's soul, saddled it w/ debt and then hocked it to China and made millions.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:13 pm

"Gonna paddle a little behind."

viennawoods13 November 6, 2012 at 7:18 am

Oh, son, for that you traded your everlasting soul?
Well, I wasn't usin' it.

DrunkIrishman November 5, 2012 at 10:56 pm

ALL REPUBLICANS SHOULD FORGO VOTING TOMORROW AND JUST PRAY ROMNEY WINS!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:12 pm

Yes. They should pray all day Tuesday. If that doesn't work, vote on Wednesday.

Guppy November 5, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Speaking of Nate, if Puerto Rico opts for statehood tomorrow, will he have to change the name of his blog?

larrykat November 5, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Right at 9:46 or so, my nuts itched. So something happened…

coolhandnuke November 5, 2012 at 11:05 pm

Had a talk with the Big Electron–George Carlin's deity–and he/she assured me that the voting machines if tampered with, will ignore their handlers machinations.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 11:07 pm

OT, but I figured out why the Mormons accepted the blacks into the church back in the 70s. It wasn't because they were suddenly enlightened, no. What it was, see, is that they were tired of Brigham Young University's lily-white gridiron squad getting it's ass handed to it every Saturday after the rest of NCAA integrated. Yep, that's right.

coolhandnuke November 5, 2012 at 11:28 pm

I recall them days–BYU was in the WAC and as an Arizona lad we loathed BYU, They had some stellar cracker QBs but no real athletes to flip the pigskin to–until as you say they became enlightened or is it endarkened. Don't forget about the Samoans and Hawaiians who were also allowed in and started filling the roster.

Simple J Malarkey November 5, 2012 at 11:13 pm

I'm happy to pray for Romney — that he have good health, financial security, surrounded by loving family and supportive friends, joy in his heart, gratitude for the many blessings in his life, generosity and empathy for his fellow humans, and at peace with the God of his understanding.

No snark.

All you other 12-steppers will know exactly what I'm talking about. :)

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:31 am

That sounded awfully nice. My 12-stepping old boyfriend Melvin once told me, "I pray for my enemies every day. I say, 'Dear God, please give them everything they deserve.'"

Simple J Malarkey November 6, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Yeah, pretty much like Melvin says. :) The idea is that resentment is the likeliest thing to drive us back out to using/drinking/sexing/cutting or whatever other hobby has destroyed us. A powerful technique suggested in the Big Book of AA to overcome resentment toward a person is to pray for God to grant him/her everything you most desire for yourself. Do that every day for a couple weeks, and you find the resentment melts away.

It doesn't make you agree with them, but you hate them less.

I first tried it, in early sobriety, with the apartment manager where I lived who lost my rent check and said I hadn't paid. So, I felt like a moron, saying prayers I didn't mean to a God I didn't believe in. "God, please grant good health and financial security to that fucking nazi bitch." Damned if after a few days I no longer had an intense desire for a meteor to hit her.

All in all, asking a recovering addict why he chooses to believe in God is sort of like asking a draftee why he chose to join the army. God reached out, grabbed me, and claimed me. I didn't volunteer. Fortunately the crazy-ass Christianist right-wing insanity has absolutely nothing to do with seeking to conform one's life to God's will and purpose. Shit like praying for a Romney electoral victory is nothing but self-will run riot.

Here's the takeaway:

Pray for all the candidates. Vote for the Democrats.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:15 pm

"May the good Lord bless and keep Mitt Rmoney…far away from us."

iburl November 5, 2012 at 11:23 pm

American Jesus
Get away from me
American Jesus
Mormon, let me be
Don't come biking up to my door
Don't want to see that book no more
Missouri's not the holy land
Our Indians ain't Jews gone bad…

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 5, 2012 at 11:31 pm

I'm sorry. I was facing Mecca. Did I screw things up?

iburl November 5, 2012 at 11:33 pm

Hurry, turn around and face Salt Lake City.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:46 am

Over the pole or around the equator?

Designer_Rants November 5, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Does prayer work on mooslimb kenyuns?

NellCote71 November 5, 2012 at 11:38 pm

Protocol question: It is almost midnight in Texas.. I have already voted. When can I start drinking tomorrow?

bobbert November 5, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Yes.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Now-ish.

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 11:40 pm

I'm fully aware of the futility of prayer, but I would like to see Mitt Romney lose his shit on stage when it's clear he needs to concede. I want him to channel Sarah Palin and say whatever whacked out shit that bitch was going to yammer about four years ago. I want him to sound like Dick Nixon on his knees with Henry Kissinger. I want the video of this meltdown to take the place of all the "Hitler finds out" Downfall takeoffs from now until the End of the Internet. I want his wife to win the 2012 Tammy Faye Bakker cry-alike contest on national television tomorrow night. I want the audience shocked into silence by this display of raw primal narcissistic rage and then for them all to spontaneously puke in a chain reaction until we achieve a Total Barf-o-Rama so hideous that Wolf Blitzer's beard catches fire. I want a national wave of revulsion at the ugliness of the true thoughts of people who believed that shit he's been saying for past five years. I want them crying in the streets and begging their fellow humans for forgiveness for being such racist turds and lying about it.

Fuck, I'm just getting warmed up here…

bobbert November 5, 2012 at 11:44 pm

You've put some thought into this.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:23 am

Can I be honest? I totally get where you're coming from. When Obama slipped up and said the word "revenge" the other day and they were trying to walk it back and put it into context, I couldn't but help think that I am looking for revenge. I don't wish this man any physical harm, financial ruin, or family troubles, but I hope that he is punished in some way for the campaign he ran and the people he cozied up to. There has to be some kind of retribution for doing and saying anything for your own ends. As bad as McCain was, and McCain was personally pretty horrible in much of his life, I don't feel near the antipathy that I feel for Mitt. Mitt sold his father's legacy down the river to become president while going on and on about the greatness of his father. That's a special kind of evil.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

He will be punished by losing. But he lacks the self-awareness to feel the punishment.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:42 am

I just hope that he learns the lesson that some things are not for sale and never will be regardless of how much money you sacrifice on the altar to please Mammon.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 12:50 am

Amen.

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:34 am

He'll blame it on the hurricane and feel not a moment's regret for any of his choices.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:44 am

We need to have a shortcut of a response to this type of comment. Something that relates :"What you say is true and what you say hurts."

I was thinking something erudite like "ouchies" but that's all I got so far.

erf.

viennawoods13 November 6, 2012 at 7:20 am

And then start grooming Tagg for 2024.

Steverino247 November 6, 2012 at 12:56 am

Yup. Extra special. There's a whole class of people just like Mitt out there, too. And when their boy loses, they're going to blame everybody but themselves for it. It's already starting with this "the moochers did it."

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:37 am

I'm with Steverino.

W88 November 5, 2012 at 11:41 pm

Fuckstick Newsflash:
Prayer don't work, bitch.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Well, time for this lil' kitty to curl up with the Big Cat.

Tomorrow's the Big Day –

"Once more unto the breach, dear Wonklings, once more…
…I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Barry, 'Murka, and Takei, George!'"

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 11:52 pm

When I vote tomorrow I will be sure to shout "God for Barry, 'Murka, and Takei, George!" all in my bestest lamest George Takei voice… as soon as I leave the polling place.

Hellooooo…

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:38 am

Oh, my!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 12:57 am

Oh my…

barto November 5, 2012 at 11:48 pm

I, for one, have been praying for this election to be over, and damn, looks like we're almost there! Thank you, fellow group grovelers!

BTW that's a pretty hefty chunk of "misguided" who support Romney. Are those the Mormons?

HempDogbane November 5, 2012 at 11:53 pm

This is like that thing where Sting and Trudy pray together continuously for, like, 6 hours. And come the whole time, or not at all, or something like that, right?

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Guys like Mitt Romney should be in Pound-me-in-the-ass prison for what they've done to working people in the United States and yet he's a candidate for public office. Could be President if he hadn't blurted out that shit about letting GM fail. We're this close to having everything Americans have worked and died for being scooped up like so much Monopoly money and thrown into the air for fun by rich assholes like Mitt Romney. We may never recover from the damage these turds have caused, most of which you don't even know about yet.

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 11:58 pm

Nate just updated his numbers again, continuing the trend….

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 1:36 am

I think we need to pray that Nate is still in full control of his powers.

ManchuCandidate November 6, 2012 at 12:08 am

Jeebus ain't listening. He's got no time for this political nonsense as he's dealing with all the gamblers' prayers for the Monday Night Football game.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:10 am

There is only one god, and Joseph Smith is his messenger.

Stick that in your pipes and smoke it, you Christianists.

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:32 am

Fucking Joseph Smith. That bastard owes me money! And he'd better not try to come around and pay me with a couple of chunks of broken concrete that he tells me are some kind of goddamn magical glasses or some kind of fucked up shit like that. Seriously, if he fucking tries that I'm going to shove those goddamn Urim and Thummim right up his ass.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:34 am

There is no god, and Dirac is his prophet.

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:39 am

There is no God, and Mary is his mother.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:49 am

Touché.

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 12:11 am

I'm still hoping for the burst of flames, strictly in a vote sense of course.

ph7 November 6, 2012 at 12:16 am

I prayed, and Karl Rove magically appeared. He was eating from a big bag. I prayed harder, asking if I could see what was in the bag. God let me look. It was a big bag of dicks that Karl was eating.

Blueb4sinrise November 6, 2012 at 12:18 am

Amen.

ChillBill November 6, 2012 at 12:25 am

Just fuck with their heads (not that it is THAT challenging), I posted the link on Breitbart.

Update: yup, it did fuck 'em up, cause I'm getting "likes" out of the wazoo. God, when did I become such a troll?

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:28 am

OK, here's my question. If President Obama wins a second term tomorrow will all of the Christoids who have been praying for Mitt Romney to get elected start to think that perhaps God is trying to send them a message, namely that he doesn't want Repubican dipshits to become US Presidents, or at least not in 2012 anyways?

tessiee November 6, 2012 at 12:41 am

No. No, they will not.
[loud whisper a la Homer Simpson]
They're stupid.

DustyBowlBlues November 6, 2012 at 1:09 am

Now that's something worth praying for.

DustyBowlBlues November 6, 2012 at 12:30 am

Fuck. Did I miss it? I was praying for Obama in the first place (being the kind of Xian who bakes pies and serves church dinner when election day comes) but thought if I got in on this one, I could double down on Hopey by sending counter prayers to Jesus to defeat the Mormon infidel.

Fuck. I'm tired. Got to go make meringue. Really need some prayer for me for this one to work.

coolhandnuke November 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

Isn't Stephen Baldwin the patron saint of privileged, talent free, clueless whackadoodle scions? I made a Faustian bargain with the idiot Baldwin brother….i promised him I'd get him an acting gig at the White House–he gets to play a dishwasher for two weeks–if he could assure me none of the Romney boys–Twit, Tagg, Tweek, Turd and Tugg ever set foot in D.C.

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:34 am

Isn't Stephen Baldwin the patron saint of privileged, talent free, clueless whackadoodle scions?

Well at least he is among the members of the Screen Actor's Guild.

doloras November 6, 2012 at 3:51 am

He's a union thug?!?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 12:56 am

You forgot Thwunk, Tweeb, Turf, Taiga, Tumescent and Turgid.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:32 am

He's happy! He's scrappy! He's the son of god!

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 12:36 am

The Gaylord church. Come for the Gay, stay for the Lord.

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:36 am

I want to spooge huge arcing ropes of jism all over Cartoon Lady's face until she looks like a glazed donut, with votes.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:51 am

Since you didn't get graphic, I guess that's ok.

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 12:38 am

So here's the thing. How much do you think you could get paid for setting up a site like RomneyMegaPrayer.com? I have the technical chops to do so, but no idea how much I could gouge a campaign for doing something like this. Do you think I could bill out $150 an hour?

leaknoil November 6, 2012 at 12:47 am

Is it wrong I had no problem at all fapping to the cartoon lady on that webpage ? She is all sorts of cartoon hot.

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 12:50 am

Even cartoon boobs are hot. Fap away!

Wile E. Quixote November 6, 2012 at 1:04 am

No, I'm cool with that. I mean she's hot, and she doesn't have any of that really fucking creepy uncanny valley shit going on like Kristen Stewart, Megyn Kelly, Gretchen Carlson or the Kardashians. Seriously man, that uncanny valley shit just makes my dick soft.

DixvilleCrotch November 6, 2012 at 12:52 am

A tie in Dixville Notch… the drama begins! Yank out those hanging chads!

BarackMyWorld November 6, 2012 at 12:57 am

"Do you also think the doctor is the one making people sick because everybody you see coming out of his office seems to have something wrong with them?"

-me earlier tonight to a guy who blames Obama for the country's problems

iburl November 6, 2012 at 12:58 am

Is this prayer mike still on…? >tap<

Dear Lord, please never allow me to fully understand what Joe Theismann means in the commercials when he says "…my prostate was giving me FITS."

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:07 am

The man wept. He actually wept. http://www.buzzfeed.com/dorsey/obama-wept-during-

DustyBowlBlues November 6, 2012 at 1:08 am

The few polls I saw tonight looked like a loss in VA, NC, FLA. Bummed me out. Got to thinking Hopey was toast, but that doesn't seem to be the general mood so maybe I don't have to feel afraid. (Esp. now that the previously mentioned meringue seems to have come out all right. Coconut Cream and Chocolate Fudge Cream pies–for Jesus!)

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 1:25 am

There is a saying, as goes the meringue, so goes the presidency. Based on your cooking prowess, I'd say Obama will win.

[how are ya Dusty?]

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 2:49 am

You have to know which way each poll leans. I go to Daily Kos Elections to check them out. There were five Flordia polls released yesterday, two of them indentifiable Republican pollsters. In one, Obama is down five and in the other they are tied. In the remaining three, Obama is either literally tied or there is a point difference in either direction.

In NC, the Republican poll released yesterday has Romney up four, but PPP has them literally tied.

In VA, three polls were released with Romney only up in Rassmussen, and it was only by two.

I wouldn't give up on ANY of these states until the votes are counted. These are about as toss-up as toss-up gets. But, if I had to shoot in the dark, I feel comfortable about VA, a little less about Florida…NC is the only one my gut is telling me Obama doesn't win simply because he literally won it by, what? A few thousands votes during the 2008 wave?

doloras November 6, 2012 at 3:52 am

Also, too: it doesn't matter if Hopey loses ALL of those as long as he wins Ohio. Which, insh'allah, he will.

Fairtackle November 6, 2012 at 1:08 am

Well I too am praying to the little balancing toy that is sitting on top of my computer that I got in a kid's meal from Taco Bell.

"And so, may Evil beware and may Good dress warmly and eat plenty of fresh vegetables."

is my prayer

glasspusher November 6, 2012 at 1:12 am

FiveThirtyEight has Obama's chances up to 92%, and Florida has turned blue on his map. Good night!

Chow Yun Flat November 6, 2012 at 1:13 am

This means that Tinkerbell will live!

ElPinche November 6, 2012 at 1:34 am

I've been preparing my Obama election party . My Rafalca pinata is stuffed with many many little surprises. If I'm wrong, then it will be my Nate Silver Hate party…with a lesser effeminate backup pinata.

smitallica November 6, 2012 at 1:35 am

"When the Muslim Ottoman Empire threatened a massive invasion of Europe, the Pope told all of Europe to pray."

And later, when the mostly Christian Nazi Empire started the Holocaust, the Pope didn't do a fucking thing, because Jews.

anonymousofficezombie November 6, 2012 at 1:38 am

Ah, did anyone else bother to click on the Pew Forum source link for that pie chart stating that "Christians (overwhelmingly!) support Mitt Romney"? Cause I did. Funny thing, the data shows only one Christian group overwhelmingly supports Romney – White Evangelical Protestants. Surprise, surprise.

But I guess since we all know that White Evangelicals are the only "real Christians" and "good people" the apparent data misread on the part of whatever idiots put up this site must be accurate… because of faith?… and racism?

doloras November 6, 2012 at 3:53 am

White Evangelicals are the only "real Christians"

And Mitt's not one! :D

AlterNewt November 6, 2012 at 1:57 am

Dixville Notch: Obama 5 Romney 5

BloviateMe November 6, 2012 at 2:06 am

Hart's Location election results @BarackObama 23, @MittRomney 9, @GovGaryJohnson 2

AlterNewt November 6, 2012 at 2:14 am

Better. Thanks.

sudsmckenzie November 6, 2012 at 2:16 am

If Fuck Toad saw his beard, four more years of Hopey.

gigaboob November 6, 2012 at 2:42 am

Oh how I've missed those hanging chads…

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 3:24 am

No one has wavered in Dixville Notch. They were 5 and 5 in 2008, too. I looked it up to be sure I remembered correctly. That's good news.

AlterNewt November 6, 2012 at 6:12 am

And no one has moved in or moved out. That's probably good news, as well.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 6:27 am

Then were does the 15-6 Obama keep coming from from 2008? It's the only number I keep seeing. The place had 26 registered voters in 2004, and it looks like 21 in 2008. I can't imagine it's fallen to 10 in 2012, but maybe it has. Either way, I keep seeing 15-6 for 2008.

lulzmonger November 6, 2012 at 2:15 am

VIRGIN INTO VOLCANO OR GTFO.

cousinitt November 6, 2012 at 2:51 am

OK, so I thought Jesus' General was behind this and then when I got to JG's website, I was, my droogs, gobsmacked. For, I went to JG's holy link http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/61?… and well, I can only imagine how messed-up a grown man is who has a half a billion dollars of wealth under his control and believes any of this tripe is in any way true.

Listen, if Obama subscribed to a belief system in which 19th Century American dudes conversed with God Almighty, the Impeachment would have happened on Day 2 of his Presidency. No, he would never have been anywhere near the goddamn White House in the first place except to carry a sign and live in a tent. We all know this is true. And yet, Romney gets a pass from everyone. Because? Owing to modern notions of civility and make-niceness, we shall not make fun of other Americans' beliefs UNLESS they are fucking Mooslims or Hindoos or Boodists or some other God-forsaken blah or quasi-blah who we just don't like because Jeebus H. Christmas. Now that the erection for Alpha American has almost blown itself dry, can we all just get along?

Oh, and Romney's freaking ass is as white as snow. That's the because.

Jimmyone November 6, 2012 at 3:23 am

this is a little long read, but it is ahh enlightening and perhaps scary to a degree.. .http://amymacpherson.wordpress.com/

docterry6973 November 6, 2012 at 2:57 am

Prayer 'works' just like meditation and systematic relaxation work, unless you roll around on the floor with snakes when you pray. All that yelllin' and tusslin' interferes with the wa.

Of course, prayer does travel magically to the ears of the Hairy Thunderer who loves us and grants us our wishes except when he doesn't. So there's that.

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 2:59 am

I can't even fucking attempt to sleep until I've cast my vote, I am so pumped. Enthusiasm gap my ass! I have 6 Rancid albums on my iPod, enough cigarettes to make Ayn Rand choke and a giant thermos to fIll with coffee in about an hour. LET'S GO!

Jukesgrrl November 6, 2012 at 3:25 am

You're fired up! Literally. Go get 'em, friend.

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 3:36 am

That's adorable! Where do you live?

Go, Vodka, Go!

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 4:03 am

Detroit.

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 4:06 am

Woot!

I just filled out my ballot WITH NO PANTS ON. (Washington is an all-by-mail state.)

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 4:16 am

I had a better response typed up but ID keeps giving me an error message and now Im hyper and irritable. Perfect for Detroit at 4am. Long story short, I'm ready for a loooong day.

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:05 am

Sic 'em!!!

LePiston November 6, 2012 at 4:47 am

You guys. I am so nervous. I shouldn't say that, because I don't want to make anyone else feel nervous. I recently moved, and I changed my voter registration address when I renewed my driver's license on Oct 5. In California, the deadline to change your address is 10/22. A few days ago, I checked the CA SOS website to verify my polling place, and it showed that I wasn't registered at my current address. I called my county's board of elections, and they said that the CA DMV is 50/50 about updating voter registration addresses. I can either go to my old polling place (same town, exact same ballot) and cast a regular ballot, or I can go to my new polling place, and cast a provisional ballot. I really worry that people will get discouraged by stuff like this. On the plus side, I am throwing an election night parry, and serving Amercian food: salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, peas and carrots. I told my guests, who offered, to bring AMERCIAN food. Someone said his boyfriend was bringing his special bulgarian broccoli salad, and do we like feta? I am basically a walking caricature of SNL's the Californians, and I put my foot down on that shit, because I am ethnically Russian and I fucking hate creamy salads and what part of American food do you not understand? Tl;Dr I hope I don't end up wasted, disappointed and curled up in the fetal position crying because I am afraid a bunch of old assholic men now have the power to make decisions about my already difficult uterus.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 5:49 am

First, go to your polling place and vote when it opens. Second, wtf bringing Bulgarian fucking creamy salads to your American party? But then what is truly American food? Corn, buffalo, squash, tomatoes, peppers. [actually,yum!] Also I sincerely, truly hope your already difficult uterus is healthy and so are you.

Go vote!

MosesInvests November 6, 2012 at 7:47 am

Potatoes, also, too.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:57 am

That's a lot of food. I recommend you get a lot of booze, too. Or dope, if you swing that way.

Nostrildamus November 6, 2012 at 6:51 pm

Is "Bulgarian broccoli" a euphemism?

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:31 am

"Oh God, Fuck my Mind – for Good!"
– Captain Beefheart

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 5:40 am

where's that screamy video you posted the other day? i'm lazy.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:50 am

Here. It really comes in handy.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 5:56 am

…and the neighbors are awake. thank you.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 7:31 am

Always happy to help Assault the Neighbors.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 8:01 am

I know for sure that if things dont' go the way I want tomorrow, I will definitely have an Ashtray Heart.

ph7 November 6, 2012 at 8:39 am

If they don't go the right way,
The morning will be distemper grey
Of the thousandth and tenth day of the human totem pole.

Smithboy November 6, 2012 at 5:36 am

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray to God the rich guy gets beat

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 6:30 am

And if I die before I wake
I leave my vote for Obama to take.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:43 am

OT: Wonkettemart needs Star-Spangled TruckNutz.

In fact, I can't believe TruckNuts weren't the first thing in stock. What is this place coming to?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 5:50 am

hell. handbasket.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:59 am

*cough*mommyblog*cough*

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 6:32 am

When Wonket starts telling me the best place to park my $1,500 stroller in Park Slope, that's when it becomes a mommy bloog.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 7:21 am

Soon.

Jus_Wonderin November 6, 2012 at 5:51 am

OH GOD, it's election day. I didn't early vote so now I gotta go vote early. I am praying too.

OT: http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/11/obam

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 6:29 am

I'm throwing up. I hope the Touch Screen machine is Vomit Resistant.

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:59 am

I hope a Republican with a real weak stomach is behind you in line.

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 5:58 am

Get out there and Vote today, everyone, if you haven't already!

Also, if you've got a Smartphone, trip over to Wonkville Newest links and download the "Elect Protect" App for it (now available for iPhone and Android!) The App links to the state's voter database and immediately will tell you if you're registered and your polling place. Just the thing to save you time and frustration, help out your neighbors and PISS OFF the TRUE THE VOTE Teabagger thugs stalking this election.

Go Get 'Em, Wonkeratti!

Come here a minute November 6, 2012 at 6:22 am

I voted!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 6:33 am

Good morning and well done!

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 7:07 am

I voted last week and am now fixing breakfast for my bf before he's off to the polls. SIC 'EM, you guys!!!

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 7:20 am

Who for?

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:22 am

lol

DahBoner November 6, 2012 at 7:06 am

If you pray hard enough, Jerry Lewis will come back. Only this time, he's funny…

C_R_Eature November 6, 2012 at 7:23 am

I am Proud to state that the President of the Atlantic Chapter of Cephalopods for Obama HAS VOTED!

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 8:20 am

Go, 'Pods!

BlueStateLibel November 6, 2012 at 7:32 am

Well my prayers are being answered. I just saw Nate Silver gives Willard an 8.4 percent chance of winning the electoral college. http://tinyurl.com/a8darx9

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 7:33 am

Well, that was quicker than I expected (thats what she said), I voted. I have nothing left to do today. Gonna go home, sleep a bit and then I'm gonna go get day drunk, because fuck it, I ALREADY VOTED!

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:41 am

I'm voting later today. Just looked out my window, and there is already a pretty long line at my polling station (it's literally a few meters from where I live). Just talked to my brother. He is giddy; it's his first time voting for president, though, he was old enough that he could have voted in 2008.

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 7:52 am

I had to go to my old hood at Warren and Vermont from last year which is kinda sketchy at 5am but I went anyway and got a good spot. There was already a good sized line when the polls opened. I AM SO FUCKING GLAD THIS SHIT IS OVER!!!

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 7:38 am

I'm flipping back between Morning Joe, because I like to torture myself, and the entire conversation all morning is about which state the media will have missed that will give Romney a victory. Their latest musing is on Wisconsin. Before that it was Virginia. Before that it was Florida. Etc…

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 7:57 am

I was watching Chuck Todd yesterday fucking with the halographic electoral map doohicky thing, salivating over the possibility of an EC tie and my head almost exploded. No cable news for me today thank you very much.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 6, 2012 at 8:10 am

I'm pretty sure the media know about all 50 states, so that's kind of a weak hook to hang their hopes on. They'd be better off speculating about where an asteroid would have to hit the US, in order to take out enough blue state votes. Because that's pretty much the only way God's gonna answer their prayers.

(Full disclosure notice: I'm not worried.)

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:47 am

Dateline, 1988: Fellow atheist and high school buddy of mine got out of the Air Force and was looking around for work. The rest of his family are hyper-religious Catholics (the parents attended [and still attend] mass on a daily fucking basis!). The whole family (Mexican mother, Chicago Polish dad, and 8 sisters) was always on him to return to the fold and attend church with them, and they were continually telling him that they were praying for him to find a good job. At some point he got tired of that shit and flat out told them that, if they were going to spend all their time praying for him, to please pray for him to win the lottery so he wouldn't have to bother with finding a job.
I'm quite proud that I turned my devout friend into an atheist all those years ago. His parents still hate my guts and think I am spawned of the devil. AHAHAHAHAHA!

Jus_Wonderin November 6, 2012 at 9:06 am

Awesome. You are doing Dog's work!!

Chet Kincaid_ November 6, 2012 at 9:13 am

Not surprising, your friend's ethnic makeup, as there are more Polish people in Chicago than all of Warsaw and more Mexicans in Chicago than all of Mexico City, or some such folkloric anecdotal "statistic." I've known a couple of Polish Mexicans myself. I guess they are united in their fervor for being conned by the Archdiocese.

Baba_NinjaCat12 November 6, 2012 at 7:49 am

Let's pray to god, like a mormon:

Dear Heavenly Father, please bless Mitt will win this election. In the name of our brother, Jesus Christ.

Suddenly up in heaven, God said, "I don't get involved in trivial actions of mortal man, like sporting events and political. He'll lose for sure because he is not even a real man but just a tin man without a heart."

DeathOfIrony November 6, 2012 at 7:57 am

Folks, you did it wrong…its not Mega-Prayer that works, it's Mecha-Prayer. This involves prayer, true, but adds missle launchers, plasma cannons, and chaff and flare dispensers.

Now that stuff works……Reading is Fundamental bitches!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 6, 2012 at 8:04 am

Voted this morning — did not hear from Jeebus regarding last night's megapraying, so I went with Obama.

I'm a bit ambivalent about the simplified ballot they use here in NYC. Vote for judges: pick any four candidates … from the list of four Democratic candidates. Vote for Surrogate: pick any one of the one Democratic candidates. (Admittedly, given that 99.5% of voters have no clue what the Surrogate is or does, there's probably no reason to give 'em a choice here.) And so it goes, all the way down the line.

It must suck to be a Republican voter, and have this ballot handed to you. I almost feel bad for them. Until I read about the voter-supression crap they've been pullling, and then I figure it's their own damned fault that people here want no part of the GOP.

bloggingbalkanistan November 6, 2012 at 8:07 am

despite what my homosexual boyfriend Nate Silver predicts, i'm nervous. please wonketeers in swing states & light blue states esp. vote!

4TheTurnstiles November 6, 2012 at 8:13 am

Just voted. All I can say is that if you're black, and you want to vote in Precinct 6 in Virginia, expect some hassles.

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 8:36 am

This is one of those things where I'm not sure if I should upfist or not, like on facebook when someone says something really nice about their cat that just got hit by a car. I usually hit like anyway.

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 8:22 am

My morning run takes me past two polling places here in the Land o' Flowers – loooooong lines of voters this morning…

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 8:31 am

A line of showers from Tamps to J'ville is rolling in – some rain, but not heavy – dunno how it will effect voter turnout…

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 8:40 am

See? SEE??? Don't tell me this guy isn't ALL kindsa smoove: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/05/amira-na

yrbmegr November 6, 2012 at 8:48 am

Funny thing about that "Christians (overwhelmingly!) support Mitt Romney" graphic. The source is given as Pew Forum, with a link. Following the link reveals that the Pew Forum does not conclude that "Christians (overwhelmingly!) support Mitt Romney". In, fact, you can't tell from the Pew Forum data whether a simple majority of Christians support Mitt Romney. Let us pray.

weejee November 6, 2012 at 8:50 am

As opposed to Pew preying Mitt with an eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

BadKitty904 November 6, 2012 at 8:54 am

I'm thinking the Pew Forum'd prolly like to know their name and credibility is being used to foster this kind o' bullshit…

BoroPrimorac November 6, 2012 at 9:09 am

Whatever you do, don't watch anything with Chuck Toad as a presenter today. He still thinks it's too close to call because of Republican enthusiasm.

Hahahaha! Chuck Toad just said ten o'cock.

Jus_Wonderin November 6, 2012 at 9:12 am

I voted at 7:15. Took 2.05 minutes. But, this is Texas so most of my ilk probably stayed in bed.

Barrelhse November 6, 2012 at 9:21 am

What a heartworming story.

Jerri November 6, 2012 at 9:22 am

Lord, please help me make it through this day without projectile vomiting, though if in your infinite wisdom you see fit to bring forth a sea of puke from my nervous guts, please guide it to land squarely upon the office libertarians. Thank you.

CalvinsChoice November 6, 2012 at 9:22 am

When they lose this one and get tired of blaming Sandy, the republicans need to realize that they have not been conservative enough. They need to double down on the crazy and primary lots of House members with Tea Party yahoos. Then we can take back the house in 2014 in preparation for Biden's landslide victory in 2016.

Well that's my prayer.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 6, 2012 at 9:28 am

First, did the Pope get his message out to all of Europe through medieval social media? Just wondering. And second, wouldn't it be more effective to start praying BEFORE the polls close? Or is that a little too reality-based?

smellypossum November 6, 2012 at 9:51 am

I've been praying for Lord High Hairgel's harigel to catch fire ( a la Michael Jackson in ~1984) . With votes, of course.

Still waiting.

But wait! Wha… Um, there's an election coming up? Why didn't someone tell me?

Joey_Blau November 6, 2012 at 10:34 am

the must be on their knees… with their faces lifted to the lord.. their mouths open.. begging their Lord for.. for.. his sweet redemption! Oh please.. Jesus oh please….

Newsriffs November 6, 2012 at 10:47 am

If our prayers really worked, Mitt's pants would have burst into flame during the debates. That's what I was praying.

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 10:56 am

Meh, I've been praying for ass cancer for Mitt for years and what do I get? Nada, zip, crickets……

outragedcitizen November 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Gott mit uns!

goat_thrower November 6, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Pray in one hand and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

VeraSevera November 6, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Being cursed with the sin of Sodom nee Onan, whatever I pray for g*d does the opposite. Oh no…here comes that damn angel again….

NothingMissing November 8, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I’d be speaking reformed Egyptian now if my prayer hadn’t worked.

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 9:47 pm

Good one, Negropolis.

emmelemm November 5, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Well, what else is there to do in Kennewick?

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 4:04 am

Voted! Ballot filled out. And I LITERALLY did it with no pants on.

boskolives November 6, 2012 at 12:25 am

A little Pyronate A200 stops crab desires. And itches, bitches.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 6, 2012 at 12:28 am

Do interwebz hugs help? If they do [hugs]

Callyson November 6, 2012 at 1:11 am

Stay strong and fight on! We can and will do the damn thing!

BaldarTFlagass November 6, 2012 at 7:50 am

You think you got it bad, I ain't been able to take a shit for three days.

emmelemm November 6, 2012 at 2:32 am

I agree. I'm not totally sold on "ouchies", but we need something.

viennawoods13 November 6, 2012 at 7:07 am

Bill Clinton approves this message.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: