AP Writes Entire Article About Obama’s Terrifying, Witch-Doctor-Filled Kenyan Village Home

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Barack Obama poses for official portrait as editor of Harvard Law ReviewOh, look, the AP has written a “color piece” (get it?) about how everyone in Obama’s birthplace, Kogelo, Kenya, is a 105-year-old witch doctor cold throwin’ chicken guts around, for science.

KOGELO, Kenya (AP) — At President Barack Obama’s ancestral village in Kenya, witch doctor John Dimo tossed some shells, bones and other items to determine who will win Tuesday’s election.

After throwing the objects like so many dice outside his hut in Kogelo village, Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”

Is Ron Fournier still directing the AP’s political coverage? We haven’t checked Romenesko in a while. But all entrails point to “yes”!

Observers point out that Mr. Dimo’s methodology remains superior to Dick Morris’s.

[AP]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 234 comments }

chascates November 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

What's the margin of error with this poll?

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

One goat. Pile of dung.

ChillBill November 5, 2012 at 3:12 pm

HE OVERSAMPLED DEMS BY 22 PTS!!1!!1

under_score November 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I'm expecting to see this included in Nate Silver's update tonight

rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 3:50 pm

+/- Two drumsticks.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 5:59 pm

+/- 3 shells.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:32 am

+/- 4 chicken feet and an fossil.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Good to know, but I'm off to phonebank some of those Kenyans for Obama just to make sure. BBL to check in on everyone's snark.

One more day…and then four more years!

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

rock on sister.

bikerlaureate November 5, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Good on ya!

Taking a quick break to get some much-needed snark in between canvassing rounds.
Here in 321-land we Obots are all loopy at this point, but Florida's still gonna break for the Kenyan Mooslim.

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 8:57 pm

Florida–God bless! Wish I could help out. We called Wisconsin and Nevada today, both of which are looking good…

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Oogabooga!

Smatter…AP couldn't find a squid or something?

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

uhhhhhhhh, oooooohhhhh, yer gonna hear from the Nat. Cephalopod Foundation.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

What? There was that octopus that called every game of the 2012 World Cup!

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

And then what happened?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Okay, okay, just be careful. There's probably one mimicking the Powell's Books logo at this very moment. ]

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Well, the nice octopus had his tentacles washed by a very nice girl cephalopod.

I said "tentacles." TeNtacles.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

That *agent of western propaganda and superstition* swims with the fishes. http://mashable.com/2010/10/26/paul-the-octopus-d

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:34 am

Detroit Red Wings libel!

PeaceWithHonor November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

In a post-racial society everyone can be racist swine.

nounverb911 November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

What about Mitt's ancestral village in Mexico?

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

They couldn't find a shaman who wasn't being held hostage by a drug cartel

WhatTheHeck November 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Well, theCartels are job creators, and, they keep their money in the Cayman Is and Switzerland.

rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 3:52 pm

They hate that fukn guero and hope he loses.

PuckStopsHere November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

At Mitt Romney's polygamist, er, ancestral village in Mexico, they are divining the election outcome by peering into the bottom of an upturned hat.

OzoneTom November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

"…peeing into the bottom of an upturned hat."

There, fixed that for you.

Gleem McShineys November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Golden Plates, Golden Showers, tomayto tomahto

Zango Crudmonger November 5, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Urine and Thumb-in.

EDIT: Gawd, can't even peer one comment lower.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Ummim and Thummim libel! Seer stones never lie!

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Gore's ancestral country (The United States) voted for him in 2000, yet he did not win.

CindynEncinitas November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Yeah, I know. Did you see that mindless repetition of the Redskins being able to predict the outcome. Remember that they lost, but Gore lost, too. Proof positive it was rigged.

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Oh great, now you'll have the Daily Caller claiming that shells are voting illegally.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Unskewing the bones

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

S'okay. The shell was white.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Where's the article about Mitt's ancestral home in Mexico where the Mormon throws a rock out the bedroom door and whichever wife it hits in the head gets to have the next baby in Missouri Jesus' name? Fuck these people.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Bravissima, mon cher! This is of your best!

rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm

LMAO @ "Missouri Jesus".

UnholyMoses November 5, 2012 at 5:22 pm

For the record, some of us in Missouri would prefer their Jesus to piss teh hell off.

'Specially those of us here in Independence. Sure, it has its charms, but I would think they'd hold the Garden of Eden to slightly higher standards.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:36 am

So, where was the Garden of Eden? Behind the Applebees or in front of the Chili's?

PhilippePetain November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

OBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGO

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Together with the tagline, I'm so relieved to finally see the level of discourse raised around here.

PhilippePetain November 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I'm sorry, I was busy working on my Pulitzer. What were you saying?

EatsBabyDingos November 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

As the resident stoner, all I see is that Clooney film "Oh, Bong, Where Are't Thou?"

PhilippePetain November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

It would be fun if Teh WOnketz had, like, standing offices and positions. Resident Stoner might be a hard one to lock down, though.

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

The drums!!!!
The drums!!!!!111
YEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

calliecallie November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

I'd take this guy's shells and bones over Mitt's magic underwear any day.

Come here a minute November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Witch doctor John Dimo added, "But Barack Obama surely won't get 440 electoral votes. Jim Cramer is a fucking nutjob."

fawkedifiknow November 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

As for me, I'm gonna consult a salamander.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Newt already told his supporters that Obama won

Disassembly November 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Don't let him try to sell you car insurance.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The Mormons put out a hit on the last guy who went with the Salamander Libel!

Incitefully_Joe November 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

President Barack Obama’s ancestral village in Kenya

Presumably AP will have another flavor piece about Mitt Romney's ancestral compound for polygamous fugatives, in Mexico, any day now. Aaaaannnyyy daaaaaayyy noooooow.

AlterNewt November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Meanwhile, in northern Utah, a crazy old coot bleated that "Romney will be the next, whaddyacallit, president? Yeah, president."

RedneckMuslin November 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Cheney's in Wyoming!

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

At least Dimo's shells and bones are real, unlike Moroni's golden plates.

Pap Finn November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Angel Libel!!11!!!11!!!

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Moronic: Of, or pertaining to, the Angel Moroni.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

The mainstream media probably finds this more convincing than Nate Silver's statistics-based poll analysis sadly, because Silver is still an effeminate homosexual who gives them news they don't want to hear.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Everyone knows number are teh ghey. Hello?! 69? GHEY!

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

But some numbers are straight, like 80085, especially typed on an old-time calculator.

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

I'm usually happy when going 69, so yeah, gay.

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Wait?! Obama was the white shell? I guess Chris Rock is right!

mavenmaven November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

They didn't say what Romney was, could have been a piece of goat droppings.

bumfug November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Dimo then added, "Oh and please tell Mitt we'd love to have him for dinner some time. Soon."

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

You're not helping.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

And Michelle is using voodoo to turn us into skinny socialist zombies! Wake up, sheeple!!!!1!

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

OH my GOD if that woman had skinny-making voo-doo that would be it. I would GLADLY worship her as my high priestess of all good things in life ever.

mosaickmind November 5, 2012 at 4:06 pm

..and what's wrong with skinny socialist zombies?

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

OT, but governor Sandwiches McFattypants has announced he is going to loosen the rules on vote-by-mail procedures, and allow people to apply for vote by mail ballots by email, receive the ballots by email, and then send them back in by email. In other words, do the whole thing by email, voting by email.

I mean, if you can pay your Lowes credit card by email, why can't you vote by email?

But anyway, lets see if this works, I just scanned my ballot application and I am about to email it back. I don't trust these fuckers, I worry they are trying to lure me into some excuse they have ginned up to throw my email vote away.

Jus_Wonderin November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Write the word Viagra somewhere on the ballot.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Good luck! Does smell fishy, though.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

What do you mean?! He gave Obama one big, sloppy kiss and now all of his other shit is forgiven by gullible Democrats in the Seuss/Grinch naivety of the season!!

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

I don't know, I think Christie got blindsided so badly by this storm that he's not even going to think about screwing with the results. Just compare him to the other Republican governor to be smashed by a hurricane this year, Bobby Jindal… Jindal played political games, Christie actually went to help his people.

I surely have more faith in Christie than most of the people on this site though, I admit…

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Well, I am voting for the Democratic Party in Alabama, so I know from throwing votes away – I say go for it.

haha Lowes.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

You see the Murray Head though?

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

What in the hell are you talking about? That guy that sings One Night in Bangkok? Are you trying to push me over the edge with that song getting stuck in my head? What? What?

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Back there where chet asked if we were sexting. I thought I was quite salaciously clever, if I don't say so myself.

spareme November 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

That makes two of us. Did you get that awful mailer this weekend re: Chicago Politics? From the ARP? Yes its all you think it would be.

HarryButtle November 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

I think Gov McFattypants is just doing his best to put himself at the front of the Republican pack in 2016. He's decided that Mitt can't win this thing anyway, so why not do a little self-promotion?

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Bingo! It would be pretty hard to run for President if he pulled a Nero on his home state.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:26 pm

But will it enlarge your penis?

DemmeFatale November 5, 2012 at 5:08 pm

In all seriousness, when I started to work on campaigns here in CA, we were all warned to become "permanent absentee voters" and not trust the machines at all.
But maybe that's just a CA thing.
(In NY we had ancient but cool curtained, lever contraptions.)

starfanglednut November 5, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Well, with email you have a record, should your vote ever come into question. Better than rigged machines, when you think about it.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

This still makes more sense to me than Mormonism.

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

…or Christianity. Fucked my own mother, so I could give birth to me and kill myself.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Trinity LIBEL!

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

Trinity schminity. Pentecostals don't believe that "trinity" bullshit anyway.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Just remember, according to Christianity there is only one god, and his name is Jesus; and Yahweh / God the Father;, and the Holy Spirit. But that's just one god, really.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Not according to Mormons. Ah-ha!

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 3:12 pm

So he died to wash away our sins, yet original sin still exists. Seems like an exercise in futility to me.

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

If only babies could come out of the womb talkative and repentant, maybe they'd have a chance to. But instead they're screamin' and shittin'.

Also, nice piece of bRYEtbart toast, there.

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Well, you have to spend your whole life on your knees blowing the holy spirit for it to work. Makes sense to me.

Come here a minute November 5, 2012 at 7:57 pm

Well, I wonder what Ricky Gervais thinks about that.

SexySmurf November 5, 2012 at 3:01 pm

Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”

Everyone knows white shells totally under sample single women under 35.

Loch_Nessosaur November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Miffed is sure his white horse revelations of buying winning the election will outweigh old chicken bones every time.

Maman November 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

Did someone tell the chicken?

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

That's nothing, you should see the shit they used to do at my ancestral village (Nuremberg, Germany).

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Say, you know who also used to cast shells in Nuremberg?

Loch_Nessosaur November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Lili von Shtupp?

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

It's twue, it's twue!

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

Patton's Third Army? No, wait, that was at Nuremberg.

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm

No, but I know who shelled Nuremberg: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Nuremberg_

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Alfried Krupp?

mrpuma2u November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

All I know is the sheep spleen I dismembered Saturday indicated Jill Stein in a landslide. It also predicted Goldman-Sachs will hand out free money to Sandy victims. It's probably not as good as Nate Silver's system, but I get a lot of mutton in the deal.

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

We should grind up the shells and make Tums. We're going to need the antacid tomorrow.

Goonemeritus November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Why does this blog still refuse to cover Ron Paul?

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Who?

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

You ever noticed that the news covers problems that face local mental health facilities, yet they're ignorant of the man who screams at bridges?

Probably for the same reason.

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Because Ron Paul remained flat.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 3:23 pm

They do cover him — in fact, he's under a tarp out back.

Jus_Wonderin November 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Ah, that's what that was. I thought Wonkette was just getting low on firewood.

PsycWench November 5, 2012 at 3:31 pm

My one student who had been a Ron Paul fanatic has lost faith in him and no longer supports him in any way. So there's your answer, and the key word/phrase was not "lost faith" but "one".

He didn't come to his sense, BTW. He thinks Paul purposefully lost the Republican primary.

Goonemeritus November 5, 2012 at 4:17 pm

My son is in the middle of getting his engineering degree and he runs into a lot of classmates that are libertarian. I guess when you combine the natural tendency of engineering students to have borderline Asperger's Syndrome with a lack of interest in anything non-technical it can make for some really bad decisions.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Cover him with what?

Gleem McShineys November 5, 2012 at 6:13 pm

Poop? No he was that way when we found him.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

We have a fear of blimps.

Generation[redacted] November 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Ever since someone threw an empty coke bottle out of the blimp, it caused our village no end of problems.

UnholyMoses November 5, 2012 at 5:23 pm

The Gods are, indeed, crazy.

Nostrildamus November 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Not since Sandy.

HarryButtle November 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Not to pick nits (like those gorillas in Africa do), but why is Obama represented by the WHITE shell?

Generation[redacted] November 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

It's a skewed poll. They didn't account for the magic underwear effect.

SmutBoffin November 5, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Why don't the Christianists do some of their magic to tell us who will win?I mean, after Barry's victory G-d will send us Omens and Portents and Disasters and Wraths, but why can't the dude clue us in ahead of time?

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Listening to the Christianist radio at lunch today, and the host was remarkably calm about painting Obama as a "Christian who doesn't follow his beliefs," the faithful yet pointless act of writing "Jesus Christ" in on ballots in protest, and the gentle conditioning of "One of these two men will be President. Vote knowing that Christ may be fulfilled through a better direction than we're currently going."

Biel_ze_Bubba November 5, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"Christ may be fulfilled through a better direction than we're currently going."

Yeah, that happened four years ago . . . it's remarkable how these people didn't notice it at the time.

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Well, lookee here. Says, 68% of Republicans believe in demonic possession. No, dear Editrix, I think this AP writer is trying to connect with the GOP and make Obama more real to them and perhaps sway their vote to Obama, not away. http://www.salon.com/2012/11/02/poll_most_republi

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

gah! why did i have to see christine o'donnell again??!?!?

PubOption November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I have long had suspicions that the opinion polls were a shell game.

Radiotherapy November 5, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Macaca!

ElPinche November 5, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Bless you!

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm

If Obamacare tells you witch doctor you got to see, what's Romneycare do?

Jus_Wonderin November 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Sells off your kidney and sends you a bill for the operation.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Nah…. they let you die, then they get to sell off TWO kidneys. It's the Bain way:

1. Fuck someone over.
2. Fuck someone else over, with leverage.
3. Profit!

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Gives you an aspirin to put between your knees?

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

Tells you to walk it off.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Rub some dirt on it, you be a'ight.

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Romney doesn't care to do jack shit for you, he just wants you to fuck off and stop asking for a handout.

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 7:29 pm

No love for my terrible pun?

Beowoof November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Well from listening to the News, you should be glued to your TV because it is way too close to call. I do plan on staying away from the TV until late tomorrow as I can't stand any more pontificating from Chuck Todd, Wolf and the rest of the usual suspects.

And for comparison The White Horse Prophecy.

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I'm tellin' ya, Rafalca is just the tip of the iceberg!

Lucidamente1 November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Dimo added "At least I'm not doing this shit in Wasilla for Sarah Palin like that dickwad Thomas Muthee."

zumpie November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

But what do they say on Kolob?

Also, too: needz moar predictions from kitty litter box deposits!

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I hope CNN holograms Dimo in tomorrow night.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

After throwing the objects like so many dice outside his hut in Kogelo village, Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”

Methinks Mr. Dimo was glancing at TPM's poll aggregator, which was being displayed on the laptop inside his hut. As the Russian shamans are fond of saying, "Augur, but verify."

spareme November 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

I think Dimo had fivethirtyeight on his laptop inside his hut.

Nostrildamus November 5, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Of course white shells point to the black guy. Everything always points to the black guy.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Augur, the verb, you win the internet today!

ManchuCandidate November 5, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Still makes more sense than UnskewedPolls.com

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Be honest Rebecca, you totally wrote that AP peice. There is no fucking way that was a for real news story. I just will not believe that. Good satire though Editrix, props.

ImpureScience November 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm
mavenmaven November 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

"Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang… Obama wins"

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

The GOP should make this witch-doctor the head of the National Science Foundation! Put him in charge of science education standards! Or better yet, he could be the pollster for the National Review! Jim Geraghty would love these methods, as long as they produced a result he likes!

Biel_ze_Bubba November 6, 2012 at 9:56 am

The GOP should would make this witch-doctor the head of the National Science Foundation!

FIFY

Troglodeity November 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

John Dimo is effeminate. Go to unshelledpolls.com for the true story.

poorgradstudent November 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Give them time to balance this by writing a story on Romney's ancestral people, rich assholes.

kyeshinka November 5, 2012 at 3:14 pm

Can you barter those chicken guts for a doctor's visit in Nevada?

Guppy November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Don't be so quick to cast stones: his other "ancestral home" is Kansas.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 3:18 pm

They use shells, too!

Washed up on the beach, from skeet surfing competitions.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

All in all, this is no crazier than a lot of what the teagbagging GOPtards have been spouting lately. In fact, it has the definite advantage of coming to a correct conclusion.

ImpureScience November 5, 2012 at 5:10 pm

To be fair, no one that I know of has done a decent study RE auguring with chicken guts.

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Speaking of polls, Nate Silver has an interestng piece up today about how Obama was already leading before Hurricane Sandy, but the Republicans are already prepping that as an excuse anyways.
http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/11/

DCBloom November 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Saw that. If it weren't for Nate, I'd be shivering in a fetal position somewhere.

Generation[redacted] November 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm

They also want to claim that the storm took the focus off the economy. The truth is, it showed Obama to be a competent and capable leader, completely invalidating the narrative they've been trying to maintain.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 3:46 pm

yeah i was watching his aggregates start to show bamz on the upswing (mid month). i kept wondering why as 'everyone' says his foreign policy performance didn't matter.

all i can imagine is more people got an up close look at egg and decided it's better to have a black president than a stone cold mormon bitch with entitlement issues.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Bitch libel! Thats a cunt, that creature.

mavenmaven November 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

One last day to enjoy this. "Romney Style" http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed…!

BarackMyWorld November 5, 2012 at 6:26 pm

That was even worse than the song it was based on.

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Morris has been playing 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' on his DC call girl's feet to no avail.

smokefilledroommate November 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Polls show that Witch Doctor predictions are the most accurate.

Sue4466 November 5, 2012 at 3:25 pm

So, was there also a piece on Mitt's ancestral village in Mexico? Fuck I'm sick of this shit.

CindynEncinitas November 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

And the soothsayer from the village of meat socks where Mittens comes from is in hiding until November 8th or 9th, depending on how much damage Egg is likely to cause when the meds wear off.

mosaickmind November 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm

That's a relief. I was trying to predict the outcome by the bumps on my head, but I have been pounding it against the wall the last few weeks so I think my results are skewed..

starfanglednut November 5, 2012 at 6:06 pm

This is hilarious.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Hey Wonkette, I got a complaint, OK! Listen, now, because this is a stupid little glitch you should be able to fix.

When I try to upfist a post I already upfisted, and that little message window opens and I can't do anything until I click "OK, I got it, I did it wrong, sorry, fucker," well, that little message window is stuck way the fuck up at the top of the page, WHERE I CAN'T FUCKING SEE IT! You should make it open like, in the screen I am looking at, ya know? Do your code-juggling aspergers geeks who do this website shit have their heads up their asses or something? And why even have that little message, just to rub our nose in it that we did something wrong? You could just quietly not count excess upfists, ya know? Oh, but the aspergers geeks need to revel in their superiority and shame us people who don't give a fuck how its done as long as it works.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Are you using Firefox? My 'you stupid dumbass' message appears in the middle of the screen.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Whats a firefox?

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Come to MacBook country. It's like Safari, whatever that is, but otherwise.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:30 pm

You have never, ever, steered me wrong. My next computer, you watch, will be yours!

smokefilledroommate November 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

What browser do you use? Have you changed browsers recently?*

*9.50/hr to fully diagnose and resolve your issue.

Prommie, is that really you?

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:44 pm

What is this thing you speak of, that which you call 'browser?" I just finger-punch this here answer box, as Chet says, and the words magically appear. I assume shells, bones, amulets and secret spells are involved.

smokefilledroommate November 5, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Do you have add-ons in your bag of holding?

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm

You speak as if you think I am joking?

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Works fine for me. I think they do it to you just to skew the polls.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

And here I thought I had problems.

natoslug November 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I think it's an IntenseDebate issue, not a Wonkette issue. You have to complain to a different set of asperger geeks. And as a multigenerational borderline asperger geek (or maybe just a socially maladjusted asshole, depending on whom you ask), what's wrong with pushing buttons? I like buttons. If everyone didn't like pushing extra buttons, they'd complain more loudly and insist that software companies hire some fucking UI designers rather than leaving it up to us engineering types. If it were up to me, you'd have to enter a Captcha before pushing the nag screen button, then enter your password twice and answer a riddle. Did I mention something about being socially maladjusted?

DemmeFatale November 5, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Shhhh, prommie, shhhhh…everything is gonna be OK…
The computilator machine is not worth it.
(Rocks back and forth, smooths prommie's ruffled brow.)

Gleem McShineys November 5, 2012 at 6:19 pm

Switch to Chrome for Wonkette, never look back.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

The AP article is also inaccurate in stating that Obama has "5 Kenyan half-brothers." Two of Obama's brothers were born to a white American Jewish woman, Ruth (Beatrice Baker) Ndesandjo, and her surviving Obama Sr.-sired son, Mark Ndesandjo, is an American citizen.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/arti

When I have to start fact-checking the motherfucking AP, we have really lost our shit-paddle in the creek.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Man, Obama's daddy had the mojo.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

He was….The Most Interesting Kenyan Socialist Marxist Muslim In The World.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

We is drifting in the Sargasso-Shit Sea. Another awkward instant in the Horse Lattitudes.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I can't believe you passed up "Horse Shit Latitudes"!

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Damn, your right, that woulda been good!

Gleem McShineys November 5, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Jesus, I always thought the phrase referred to the creek being made of shit. I didn't realize we actually were using a paddle made of shit, too!

The boat too? Goddamn it!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 6:34 pm

In a shit boat up shit creek without a shit paddle.

bobbert November 5, 2012 at 9:26 pm

"Up shit creek without a you-know-what", as my mom would occasionally remark.

DahBoner November 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm

The white shell

My witch doctor says this means SHELL OIL will do JUST FINE under a second Obama term…

Pragmatist2 November 5, 2012 at 3:33 pm

OK but I'll bet there's no snake handling in that village.

iburl November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Dick Morris is blindfolded and chooses a toe to suck.
If it's salty, the Republican wins, if it's musty, the Democrat wins.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

What if it's corn-y?

Gleem McShineys November 5, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Chuck Grassley wins via write-in?

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:36 pm

And another fucking thing, ya think maybe just maybe the lamestream media always tries to make every election a horserace and a thriller to the last minute, is not because they are making a cynical ploy for ratings, but rather because, if they ever like, called it straight and said "Mittens has no chance" (or vice versa), then whichever party lost the election would start screaming bloody fucking murder that they only lost because the media depressed voter turnout? Ya know? Like remember the GOP screaming in 2000 that the media fucked republican turnout in that part of Flarda down right underneath Alabama, and that Bush woulda REALLY beat Gore if not that the media depressed the fucktard whiny redneck turnout? Imagine the screeching if the media kinda openly said 'things look bad for Mitt?"

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 5, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Does the Constitution allow for a person to become president if it is because of a witch doctor's spell?

Wait.., George W. Bush. But that was an evil curse.

T3rbo November 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Nothing like whimsical racism to break the monotony

Limeylizzie November 5, 2012 at 3:46 pm

What time will the liveblogging commence, I will be a fucking wreck tomorrow, will you all do as Barb does and vote with me in your little hearts, due to my non-citizen status?

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

this being chicago, i'll vote AGAIN for you.

Rotundo_ November 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Already voted last week in early voting, so done and over with. No ballot cast for fascists.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 3:51 pm

still, dr dimo has more facts at his disposal than fox news.

and fewer blond bimbos.

Lazy Media November 5, 2012 at 3:58 pm

But what are the Messican polygamists predicting?

slowhansolo November 5, 2012 at 4:07 pm

The AP has been Jeb to Fox News' W for more than a decade.

Rotundo_ November 5, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Fox in this case being the coke addled phase of Dubya's life, you know, up until he ran for gubbner of Tejas….

GeorgiaBurning November 5, 2012 at 4:12 pm

In my ancestral village they toss the empties behind the pub, the Guinness/Bushmills coalition is a clear winner

Nostrildamus November 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Joe Scarborough's gonna be pissed when he loses to this guy too.

pdiddycornchips November 5, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Joe is this year's Guiliani. Every sentence consists of a noun, a verb and Benghazi.

Cleopatriot November 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Where's the AP story about the Mexican Romneys and all their wives rooting for a Romney win?

Designer_Rants November 5, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Observers point out that Mr. Dimo’s methodology remains superior to Dick Morris’s.

Haha! I'm at work and had to stifle a guffaw, which turned into a pants poopin'.

ElPinche November 5, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Kenyan gut dice still more accurate and reliable than Ramussen.

Gleem McShineys November 5, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Come on, does the AP even speak Kenyan? He said "The White Shell is going to win."

Could there even be a better analogy for Romney than that?

ElPinche November 5, 2012 at 9:05 pm

The white shell filled with baboon shit?

LibrarianX November 5, 2012 at 6:33 pm

AP – does Murdoch own them now as well?

LibrarianX November 5, 2012 at 7:00 pm

A virgin sacrifice would clinch it!

pdiddycornchips November 5, 2012 at 7:29 pm

I hear Bristol has earned her virginity back. I vote for her and that is the one and only time I will ever vote Palin.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 12:31 am

Well, John Dimo got it right, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how his methods are any different than those of anyone in rural Appalachia.

LionHeartSoyDog November 6, 2012 at 1:14 am

Rebecca is wise beyond her years, with the Witch Doctor song reference.
Kudos, Bekks.

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:00 am

Witch doctor John Dimo tosses bones and stuff around, Ron Fournier amuses himself by flinging his own poo around.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Oh Christ, you ARE trying to get that song stuck in my head. I did see it, you are clever, and kind of a liar. I AM KIDDING. Love me some smarts.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Love me some smartass. Smart Ass? Either way.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Both Ways.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

OK, this chat is a little better, but it still leave a whole motherfucking lot to the imagination!

prommie November 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Waddaya want, fucking pictures? This is about fucking romance, man. Mystery, subtelty and shit.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Tutuola: Yo Captain, check this out! I think they were sexting in some kinda code.

starfanglednut November 5, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Everyone knows the wonkette rules. Videos or gtfo.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Its like that multi-level chess Kirk and Spock used to play, multi-dimensional entendres. Innuendos wrapped in puns within secret coded messages. Its like Finnegan's Wake, cause we are Irish, see?

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 4:08 pm

Mmm, figs wrapped in bacon…Mrs. Kincaid is going to make some. Wait, now I can't even tell if I'm innuendoing!

prommie November 5, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Anagrams are the only thing we don't do. Just not a thing for us.

smokefilledroommate November 5, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Just asking if you have add-ons. Sheesh, that'll be forty bucks now. And I'll speak non-American for the rest of it.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: