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AP Writes Entire Article About Obama’s Terrifying, Witch-Doctor-Filled Kenyan Village Home

Barack Obama poses for official portrait as editor of Harvard Law ReviewOh, look, the AP has written a “color piece” (get it?) about how everyone in Obama’s birthplace, Kogelo, Kenya, is a 105-year-old witch doctor cold throwin’ chicken guts around, for science.

KOGELO, Kenya (AP) — At President Barack Obama’s ancestral village in Kenya, witch doctor John Dimo tossed some shells, bones and other items to determine who will win Tuesday’s election.

After throwing the objects like so many dice outside his hut in Kogelo village, Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”

Is Ron Fournier still directing the AP’s political coverage? We haven’t checked Romenesko in a while. But all entrails point to “yes”!

Observers point out that Mr. Dimo’s methodology remains superior to Dick Morris’s.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Callyson

    Good to know, but I'm off to phonebank some of those Kenyans for Obama just to make sure. BBL to check in on everyone's snark.

    One more day…and then four more years!

    1. bikerlaureate

      Good on ya!

      Taking a quick break to get some much-needed snark in between canvassing rounds.
      Here in 321-land we Obots are all loopy at this point, but Florida's still gonna break for the Kenyan Mooslim.

      1. Callyson

        Florida–God bless! Wish I could help out. We called Wisconsin and Nevada today, both of which are looking good…

        1. Blueb4sinrise

          And then what happened?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          [Okay, okay, just be careful. There's probably one mimicking the Powell's Books logo at this very moment. ]

      1. WhatTheHeck

        Well, theCartels are job creators, and, they keep their money in the Cayman Is and Switzerland.

  2. PuckStopsHere

    At Mitt Romney's polygamist, er, ancestral village in Mexico, they are divining the election outcome by peering into the bottom of an upturned hat.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Yeah, I know. Did you see that mindless repetition of the Redskins being able to predict the outcome. Remember that they lost, but Gore lost, too. Proof positive it was rigged.

  3. FakaktaSouth

    Where's the article about Mitt's ancestral home in Mexico where the Mormon throws a rock out the bedroom door and whichever wife it hits in the head gets to have the next baby in Missouri Jesus' name? Fuck these people.

      1. UnholyMoses

        For the record, some of us in Missouri would prefer their Jesus to piss teh hell off.

        'Specially those of us here in Independence. Sure, it has its charms, but I would think they'd hold the Garden of Eden to slightly higher standards.

  4. PhilippePetain


      1. PhilippePetain

        It would be fun if Teh WOnketz had, like, standing offices and positions. Resident Stoner might be a hard one to lock down, though.

  5. Come here a minute

    Witch doctor John Dimo added, "But Barack Obama surely won't get 440 electoral votes. Jim Cramer is a fucking nutjob."

  6. Incitefully_Joe

    President Barack Obama’s ancestral village in Kenya

    Presumably AP will have another flavor piece about Mitt Romney's ancestral compound for polygamous fugatives, in Mexico, any day now. Aaaaannnyyy daaaaaayyy noooooow.

  7. AlterNewt

    Meanwhile, in northern Utah, a crazy old coot bleated that "Romney will be the next, whaddyacallit, president? Yeah, president."

  8. SorosBot

    The mainstream media probably finds this more convincing than Nate Silver's statistics-based poll analysis sadly, because Silver is still an effeminate homosexual who gives them news they don't want to hear.

  9. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    And Michelle is using voodoo to turn us into skinny socialist zombies! Wake up, sheeple!!!!1!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      OH my GOD if that woman had skinny-making voo-doo that would be it. I would GLADLY worship her as my high priestess of all good things in life ever.

  10. prommie

    OT, but governor Sandwiches McFattypants has announced he is going to loosen the rules on vote-by-mail procedures, and allow people to apply for vote by mail ballots by email, receive the ballots by email, and then send them back in by email. In other words, do the whole thing by email, voting by email.

    I mean, if you can pay your Lowes credit card by email, why can't you vote by email?

    But anyway, lets see if this works, I just scanned my ballot application and I am about to email it back. I don't trust these fuckers, I worry they are trying to lure me into some excuse they have ginned up to throw my email vote away.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        What do you mean?! He gave Obama one big, sloppy kiss and now all of his other shit is forgiven by gullible Democrats in the Seuss/Grinch naivety of the season!!

    1. snowpointsecret

      I don't know, I think Christie got blindsided so badly by this storm that he's not even going to think about screwing with the results. Just compare him to the other Republican governor to be smashed by a hurricane this year, Bobby Jindal… Jindal played political games, Christie actually went to help his people.

      I surely have more faith in Christie than most of the people on this site though, I admit…

    2. FakaktaSouth

      Well, I am voting for the Democratic Party in Alabama, so I know from throwing votes away – I say go for it.

      haha Lowes.

        1. FakaktaSouth

          What in the hell are you talking about? That guy that sings One Night in Bangkok? Are you trying to push me over the edge with that song getting stuck in my head? What? What?

          1. prommie

            Back there where chet asked if we were sexting. I thought I was quite salaciously clever, if I don't say so myself.

          2. FakaktaSouth

            Oh Christ, you ARE trying to get that song stuck in my head. I did see it, you are clever, and kind of a liar. I AM KIDDING. Love me some smarts.

          3. prommie

            Its like that multi-level chess Kirk and Spock used to play, multi-dimensional entendres. Innuendos wrapped in puns within secret coded messages. Its like Finnegan's Wake, cause we are Irish, see?

      1. spareme

        That makes two of us. Did you get that awful mailer this weekend re: Chicago Politics? From the ARP? Yes its all you think it would be.

    3. HarryButtle

      I think Gov McFattypants is just doing his best to put himself at the front of the Republican pack in 2016. He's decided that Mitt can't win this thing anyway, so why not do a little self-promotion?

    4. DemmeFatale

      In all seriousness, when I started to work on campaigns here in CA, we were all warned to become "permanent absentee voters" and not trust the machines at all.
      But maybe that's just a CA thing.
      (In NY we had ancient but cool curtained, lever contraptions.)

        1. SorosBot

          Just remember, according to Christianity there is only one god, and his name is Jesus; and Yahweh / God the Father;, and the Holy Spirit. But that's just one god, really.

      1. Oblios_Cap

        So he died to wash away our sins, yet original sin still exists. Seems like an exercise in futility to me.

        1. Botlrokit

          If only babies could come out of the womb talkative and repentant, maybe they'd have a chance to. But instead they're screamin' and shittin'.

          Also, nice piece of bRYEtbart toast, there.

        2. VodkaGoGo

          Well, you have to spend your whole life on your knees blowing the holy spirit for it to work. Makes sense to me.

  11. SexySmurf

    Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”

    Everyone knows white shells totally under sample single women under 35.

  12. Loch_Nessosaur

    Miffed is sure his white horse revelations of buying winning the election will outweigh old chicken bones every time.

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    That's nothing, you should see the shit they used to do at my ancestral village (Nuremberg, Germany).

  14. mrpuma2u

    All I know is the sheep spleen I dismembered Saturday indicated Jill Stein in a landslide. It also predicted Goldman-Sachs will hand out free money to Sandy victims. It's probably not as good as Nate Silver's system, but I get a lot of mutton in the deal.

    1. Botlrokit

      You ever noticed that the news covers problems that face local mental health facilities, yet they're ignorant of the man who screams at bridges?

      Probably for the same reason.

    2. PsycWench

      My one student who had been a Ron Paul fanatic has lost faith in him and no longer supports him in any way. So there's your answer, and the key word/phrase was not "lost faith" but "one".

      He didn't come to his sense, BTW. He thinks Paul purposefully lost the Republican primary.

      1. Goonemeritus

        My son is in the middle of getting his engineering degree and he runs into a lot of classmates that are libertarian. I guess when you combine the natural tendency of engineering students to have borderline Asperger's Syndrome with a lack of interest in anything non-technical it can make for some really bad decisions.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Ever since someone threw an empty coke bottle out of the blimp, it caused our village no end of problems.

  15. HarryButtle

    Not to pick nits (like those gorillas in Africa do), but why is Obama represented by the WHITE shell?

  16. SmutBoffin

    Why don't the Christianists do some of their magic to tell us who will win?I mean, after Barry's victory G-d will send us Omens and Portents and Disasters and Wraths, but why can't the dude clue us in ahead of time?

    1. Botlrokit

      Listening to the Christianist radio at lunch today, and the host was remarkably calm about painting Obama as a "Christian who doesn't follow his beliefs," the faithful yet pointless act of writing "Jesus Christ" in on ballots in protest, and the gentle conditioning of "One of these two men will be President. Vote knowing that Christ may be fulfilled through a better direction than we're currently going."

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        "Christ may be fulfilled through a better direction than we're currently going."

        Yeah, that happened four years ago . . . it's remarkable how these people didn't notice it at the time.

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Nah…. they let you die, then they get to sell off TWO kidneys. It's the Bain way:

        1. Fuck someone over.
        2. Fuck someone else over, with leverage.
        3. Profit!

    1. mayor_quimby

      Romney doesn't care to do jack shit for you, he just wants you to fuck off and stop asking for a handout.

  17. Beowoof

    Well from listening to the News, you should be glued to your TV because it is way too close to call. I do plan on staying away from the TV until late tomorrow as I can't stand any more pontificating from Chuck Todd, Wolf and the rest of the usual suspects.

    And for comparison The White Horse Prophecy.

  18. Lucidamente1

    Dimo added "At least I'm not doing this shit in Wasilla for Sarah Palin like that dickwad Thomas Muthee."

  19. SayItWithWookies

    After throwing the objects like so many dice outside his hut in Kogelo village, Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”

    Methinks Mr. Dimo was glancing at TPM's poll aggregator, which was being displayed on the laptop inside his hut. As the Russian shamans are fond of saying, "Augur, but verify."

  20. VodkaGoGo

    Be honest Rebecca, you totally wrote that AP peice. There is no fucking way that was a for real news story. I just will not believe that. Good satire though Editrix, props.

  21. prommie

    The GOP should make this witch-doctor the head of the National Science Foundation! Put him in charge of science education standards! Or better yet, he could be the pollster for the National Review! Jim Geraghty would love these methods, as long as they produced a result he likes!

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      The GOP should would make this witch-doctor the head of the National Science Foundation!


  22. poorgradstudent

    Give them time to balance this by writing a story on Romney's ancestral people, rich assholes.

  23. Biel_ze_Bubba

    All in all, this is no crazier than a lot of what the teagbagging GOPtards have been spouting lately. In fact, it has the definite advantage of coming to a correct conclusion.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      They also want to claim that the storm took the focus off the economy. The truth is, it showed Obama to be a competent and capable leader, completely invalidating the narrative they've been trying to maintain.

    2. fuflans

      yeah i was watching his aggregates start to show bamz on the upswing (mid month). i kept wondering why as 'everyone' says his foreign policy performance didn't matter.

      all i can imagine is more people got an up close look at egg and decided it's better to have a black president than a stone cold mormon bitch with entitlement issues.

  24. CindynEncinitas

    And the soothsayer from the village of meat socks where Mittens comes from is in hiding until November 8th or 9th, depending on how much damage Egg is likely to cause when the meds wear off.

  25. mosaickmind

    That's a relief. I was trying to predict the outcome by the bumps on my head, but I have been pounding it against the wall the last few weeks so I think my results are skewed..

  26. prommie

    Hey Wonkette, I got a complaint, OK! Listen, now, because this is a stupid little glitch you should be able to fix.

    When I try to upfist a post I already upfisted, and that little message window opens and I can't do anything until I click "OK, I got it, I did it wrong, sorry, fucker," well, that little message window is stuck way the fuck up at the top of the page, WHERE I CAN'T FUCKING SEE IT! You should make it open like, in the screen I am looking at, ya know? Do your code-juggling aspergers geeks who do this website shit have their heads up their asses or something? And why even have that little message, just to rub our nose in it that we did something wrong? You could just quietly not count excess upfists, ya know? Oh, but the aspergers geeks need to revel in their superiority and shame us people who don't give a fuck how its done as long as it works.

      1. prommie

        What is this thing you speak of, that which you call 'browser?" I just finger-punch this here answer box, as Chet says, and the words magically appear. I assume shells, bones, amulets and secret spells are involved.

    1. natoslug

      I think it's an IntenseDebate issue, not a Wonkette issue. You have to complain to a different set of asperger geeks. And as a multigenerational borderline asperger geek (or maybe just a socially maladjusted asshole, depending on whom you ask), what's wrong with pushing buttons? I like buttons. If everyone didn't like pushing extra buttons, they'd complain more loudly and insist that software companies hire some fucking UI designers rather than leaving it up to us engineering types. If it were up to me, you'd have to enter a Captcha before pushing the nag screen button, then enter your password twice and answer a riddle. Did I mention something about being socially maladjusted?

    2. DemmeFatale

      Shhhh, prommie, shhhhh…everything is gonna be OK…
      The computilator machine is not worth it.
      (Rocks back and forth, smooths prommie's ruffled brow.)

  27. Chet Kincaid_

    The AP article is also inaccurate in stating that Obama has "5 Kenyan half-brothers." Two of Obama's brothers were born to a white American Jewish woman, Ruth (Beatrice Baker) Ndesandjo, and her surviving Obama Sr.-sired son, Mark Ndesandjo, is an American citizen.

    When I have to start fact-checking the motherfucking AP, we have really lost our shit-paddle in the creek.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Jesus, I always thought the phrase referred to the creek being made of shit. I didn't realize we actually were using a paddle made of shit, too!

      The boat too? Goddamn it!

  28. DahBoner

    The white shell

    My witch doctor says this means SHELL OIL will do JUST FINE under a second Obama term…

  29. prommie

    And another fucking thing, ya think maybe just maybe the lamestream media always tries to make every election a horserace and a thriller to the last minute, is not because they are making a cynical ploy for ratings, but rather because, if they ever like, called it straight and said "Mittens has no chance" (or vice versa), then whichever party lost the election would start screaming bloody fucking murder that they only lost because the media depressed voter turnout? Ya know? Like remember the GOP screaming in 2000 that the media fucked republican turnout in that part of Flarda down right underneath Alabama, and that Bush woulda REALLY beat Gore if not that the media depressed the fucktard whiny redneck turnout? Imagine the screeching if the media kinda openly said 'things look bad for Mitt?"

  30. Limeylizzie

    What time will the liveblogging commence, I will be a fucking wreck tomorrow, will you all do as Barb does and vote with me in your little hearts, due to my non-citizen status?

    1. Rotundo_

      Fox in this case being the coke addled phase of Dubya's life, you know, up until he ran for gubbner of Tejas….

  31. GeorgiaBurning

    In my ancestral village they toss the empties behind the pub, the Guinness/Bushmills coalition is a clear winner

  32. Designer_Rants

    Observers point out that Mr. Dimo’s methodology remains superior to Dick Morris’s.

    Haha! I'm at work and had to stifle a guffaw, which turned into a pants poopin'.

  33. Gleem McShineys

    Come on, does the AP even speak Kenyan? He said "The White Shell is going to win."

    Could there even be a better analogy for Romney than that?

    1. pdiddycornchips

      I hear Bristol has earned her virginity back. I vote for her and that is the one and only time I will ever vote Palin.

  34. Negropolis

    Well, John Dimo got it right, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how his methods are any different than those of anyone in rural Appalachia.

  35. ttommyunger

    Witch doctor John Dimo tosses bones and stuff around, Ron Fournier amuses himself by flinging his own poo around.

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