Oh, look, the AP has written a “color piece” (get it?) about how everyone in Obama’s birthplace, Kogelo, Kenya, is a 105-year-old witch doctor cold throwin’ chicken guts around, for science.
KOGELO, Kenya (AP) — At President Barack Obama’s ancestral village in Kenya, witch doctor John Dimo tossed some shells, bones and other items to determine who will win Tuesday’s election.
After throwing the objects like so many dice outside his hut in Kogelo village, Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”
Is Ron Fournier still directing the AP’s political coverage? We haven’t checked Romenesko in a while. But all entrails point to “yes”!
Observers point out that Mr. Dimo’s methodology remains superior to Dick Morris’s.
[AP]
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What's the margin of error with this poll?
One goat. Pile of dung.
HE OVERSAMPLED DEMS BY 22 PTS!!1!!1
I'm expecting to see this included in Nate Silver's update tonight
+/- Two drumsticks.
+/- 3 shells.
+/- 4 chicken feet and an fossil.
Good to know, but I'm off to phonebank some of those Kenyans for Obama just to make sure. BBL to check in on everyone's snark.
One more day…and then four more years!
rock on sister.
Good on ya!
Taking a quick break to get some much-needed snark in between canvassing rounds.
Here in 321-land we Obots are all loopy at this point, but Florida's still gonna break for the Kenyan Mooslim.
Florida–God bless! Wish I could help out. We called Wisconsin and Nevada today, both of which are looking good…
Oogabooga!
Smatter…AP couldn't find a squid or something?
uhhhhhhhh, oooooohhhhh, yer gonna hear from the Nat. Cephalopod Foundation.
What? There was that octopus that called every game of the 2012 World Cup!
And then what happened?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Okay, okay, just be careful. There's probably one mimicking the Powell's Books logo at this very moment. ]
Well, the nice octopus had his tentacles washed by a very nice girl cephalopod.
I said "tentacles." TeNtacles.
That *agent of western propaganda and superstition* swims with the fishes. http://mashable.com/2010/10/26/paul-the-octopus-d…
Detroit Red Wings libel!
In a post-racial society everyone can be racist swine.
What about Mitt's ancestral village in Mexico?
They couldn't find a shaman who wasn't being held hostage by a drug cartel
Well, theCartels are job creators, and, they keep their money in the Cayman Is and Switzerland.
They hate that fukn guero and hope he loses.
At Mitt Romney's polygamist, er, ancestral village in Mexico, they are divining the election outcome by peering into the bottom of an upturned hat.
"…peeing into the bottom of an upturned hat."
There, fixed that for you.
Golden Plates, Golden Showers, tomayto tomahto
Urine and Thumb-in.
EDIT: Gawd, can't even peer one comment lower.
Ummim and Thummim libel! Seer stones never lie!
Gore's ancestral country (The United States) voted for him in 2000, yet he did not win.
Yeah, I know. Did you see that mindless repetition of the Redskins being able to predict the outcome. Remember that they lost, but Gore lost, too. Proof positive it was rigged.
Oh great, now you'll have the Daily Caller claiming that shells are voting illegally.
Unskewing the bones
S'okay. The shell was white.
Where's the article about Mitt's ancestral home in Mexico where the Mormon throws a rock out the bedroom door and whichever wife it hits in the head gets to have the next baby in Missouri Jesus' name? Fuck these people.
Bravissima, mon cher! This is of your best!
LMAO @ "Missouri Jesus".
For the record, some of us in Missouri would prefer their Jesus to piss teh hell off.
'Specially those of us here in Independence. Sure, it has its charms, but I would think they'd hold the Garden of Eden to slightly higher standards.
So, where was the Garden of Eden? Behind the Applebees or in front of the Chili's?
OBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGOOBONGO
Together with the tagline, I'm so relieved to finally see the level of discourse raised around here.
I'm sorry, I was busy working on my Pulitzer. What were you saying?
As the resident stoner, all I see is that Clooney film "Oh, Bong, Where Are't Thou?"
It would be fun if Teh WOnketz had, like, standing offices and positions. Resident Stoner might be a hard one to lock down, though.
The drums!!!!
The drums!!!!!111
YEAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
I'd take this guy's shells and bones over Mitt's magic underwear any day.
Witch doctor John Dimo added, "But Barack Obama surely won't get 440 electoral votes. Jim Cramer is a fucking nutjob."
As for me, I'm gonna consult a salamander.
Newt already told his supporters that Obama won
Don't let him try to sell you car insurance.
The Mormons put out a hit on the last guy who went with the Salamander Libel!
Presumably AP will have another flavor piece about Mitt Romney's ancestral compound for polygamous fugatives, in Mexico, any day now. Aaaaannnyyy daaaaaayyy noooooow.
Meanwhile, in northern Utah, a crazy old coot bleated that "Romney will be the next, whaddyacallit, president? Yeah, president."
Cheney's in Wyoming!
At least Dimo's shells and bones are real, unlike Moroni's golden plates.
Angel Libel!!11!!!11!!!
Moronic: Of, or pertaining to, the Angel Moroni.
The mainstream media probably finds this more convincing than Nate Silver's statistics-based poll analysis sadly, because Silver is still an effeminate homosexual who gives them news they don't want to hear.
Everyone knows number are teh ghey. Hello?! 69? GHEY!
But some numbers are straight, like 80085, especially typed on an old-time calculator.
I'm usually happy when going 69, so yeah, gay.
Wait?! Obama was the white shell? I guess Chris Rock is right!
They didn't say what Romney was, could have been a piece of goat droppings.
Dimo then added, "Oh and please tell Mitt we'd love to have him for dinner some time. Soon."
You're not helping.
And Michelle is using voodoo to turn us into skinny socialist zombies! Wake up, sheeple!!!!1!
OH my GOD if that woman had skinny-making voo-doo that would be it. I would GLADLY worship her as my high priestess of all good things in life ever.
..and what's wrong with skinny socialist zombies?
OT, but governor Sandwiches McFattypants has announced he is going to loosen the rules on vote-by-mail procedures, and allow people to apply for vote by mail ballots by email, receive the ballots by email, and then send them back in by email. In other words, do the whole thing by email, voting by email.
I mean, if you can pay your Lowes credit card by email, why can't you vote by email?
But anyway, lets see if this works, I just scanned my ballot application and I am about to email it back. I don't trust these fuckers, I worry they are trying to lure me into some excuse they have ginned up to throw my email vote away.
Write the word Viagra somewhere on the ballot.
Good luck! Does smell fishy, though.
What do you mean?! He gave Obama one big, sloppy kiss and now all of his other shit is forgiven by gullible Democrats in the Seuss/Grinch naivety of the season!!
I don't know, I think Christie got blindsided so badly by this storm that he's not even going to think about screwing with the results. Just compare him to the other Republican governor to be smashed by a hurricane this year, Bobby Jindal… Jindal played political games, Christie actually went to help his people.
I surely have more faith in Christie than most of the people on this site though, I admit…
Well, I am voting for the Democratic Party in Alabama, so I know from throwing votes away – I say go for it.
haha Lowes.
You see the Murray Head though?
What in the hell are you talking about? That guy that sings One Night in Bangkok? Are you trying to push me over the edge with that song getting stuck in my head? What? What?
Back there where chet asked if we were sexting. I thought I was quite salaciously clever, if I don't say so myself.
That makes two of us. Did you get that awful mailer this weekend re: Chicago Politics? From the ARP? Yes its all you think it would be.
I think Gov McFattypants is just doing his best to put himself at the front of the Republican pack in 2016. He's decided that Mitt can't win this thing anyway, so why not do a little self-promotion?
Bingo! It would be pretty hard to run for President if he pulled a Nero on his home state.
But will it enlarge your penis?
In all seriousness, when I started to work on campaigns here in CA, we were all warned to become "permanent absentee voters" and not trust the machines at all.
But maybe that's just a CA thing.
(In NY we had ancient but cool curtained, lever contraptions.)
Well, with email you have a record, should your vote ever come into question. Better than rigged machines, when you think about it.
This still makes more sense to me than Mormonism.
…or Christianity. Fucked my own mother, so I could give birth to me and kill myself.
Trinity LIBEL!
Trinity schminity. Pentecostals don't believe that "trinity" bullshit anyway.
Just remember, according to Christianity there is only one god, and his name is Jesus; and Yahweh / God the Father;, and the Holy Spirit. But that's just one god, really.
Not according to Mormons. Ah-ha!
So he died to wash away our sins, yet original sin still exists. Seems like an exercise in futility to me.
If only babies could come out of the womb talkative and repentant, maybe they'd have a chance to. But instead they're screamin' and shittin'.
Also, nice piece of bRYEtbart toast, there.
Well, you have to spend your whole life on your knees blowing the holy spirit for it to work. Makes sense to me.
Well, I wonder what Ricky Gervais thinks about that.
Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”
Everyone knows white shells totally under sample single women under 35.
Miffed is sure his white horse revelations of
buyingwinning the election will outweigh old chicken bones every time.Did someone tell the chicken?
That's nothing, you should see the shit they used to do at my ancestral village (Nuremberg, Germany).
Say, you know who also used to cast shells in Nuremberg?
Lili von Shtupp?
It's twue, it's twue!
Patton's Third Army? No, wait, that was at Nuremberg.
No, but I know who shelled Nuremberg: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Nuremberg_…
Alfried Krupp?
All I know is the sheep spleen I dismembered Saturday indicated Jill Stein in a landslide. It also predicted Goldman-Sachs will hand out free money to Sandy victims. It's probably not as good as Nate Silver's system, but I get a lot of mutton in the deal.
We should grind up the shells and make Tums. We're going to need the antacid tomorrow.
Why does this blog still refuse to cover Ron Paul?
Who?
You ever noticed that the news covers problems that face local mental health facilities, yet they're ignorant of the man who screams at bridges?
Probably for the same reason.
Because Ron Paul remained flat.
They do cover him — in fact, he's under a tarp out back.
Ah, that's what that was. I thought Wonkette was just getting low on firewood.
My one student who had been a Ron Paul fanatic has lost faith in him and no longer supports him in any way. So there's your answer, and the key word/phrase was not "lost faith" but "one".
He didn't come to his sense, BTW. He thinks Paul purposefully lost the Republican primary.
My son is in the middle of getting his engineering degree and he runs into a lot of classmates that are libertarian. I guess when you combine the natural tendency of engineering students to have borderline Asperger's Syndrome with a lack of interest in anything non-technical it can make for some really bad decisions.
Cover him with what?
Poop? No he was that way when we found him.
We have a fear of blimps.
Ever since someone threw an empty coke bottle out of the blimp, it caused our village no end of problems.
The Gods are, indeed, crazy.
Not since Sandy.
Not to pick nits (like those gorillas in Africa do), but why is Obama represented by the WHITE shell?
It's a skewed poll. They didn't account for the magic underwear effect.
Why don't the Christianists do some of their magic to tell us who will win?I mean, after Barry's victory G-d will send us Omens and Portents and Disasters and Wraths, but why can't the dude clue us in ahead of time?
Listening to the Christianist radio at lunch today, and the host was remarkably calm about painting Obama as a "Christian who doesn't follow his beliefs," the faithful yet pointless act of writing "Jesus Christ" in on ballots in protest, and the gentle conditioning of "One of these two men will be President. Vote knowing that Christ may be fulfilled through a better direction than we're currently going."
"Christ may be fulfilled through a better direction than we're currently going."
Yeah, that happened four years ago . . . it's remarkable how these people didn't notice it at the time.
Well, lookee here. Says, 68% of Republicans believe in demonic possession. No, dear Editrix, I think this AP writer is trying to connect with the GOP and make Obama more real to them and perhaps sway their vote to Obama, not away. http://www.salon.com/2012/11/02/poll_most_republi…
gah! why did i have to see christine o'donnell again??!?!?
I have long had suspicions that the opinion polls were a shell game.
Macaca!
Bless you!
If Obamacare tells you witch doctor you got to see, what's Romneycare do?
Sells off your kidney and sends you a bill for the operation.
Nah…. they let you die, then they get to sell off TWO kidneys. It's the Bain way:
1. Fuck someone over.
2. Fuck someone else over, with leverage.
3. Profit!
Gives you an aspirin to put between your knees?
Tells you to walk it off.
Rub some dirt on it, you be a'ight.
Romney doesn't care to do jack shit for you, he just wants you to fuck off and stop asking for a handout.
No love for my terrible pun?
Well from listening to the News, you should be glued to your TV because it is way too close to call. I do plan on staying away from the TV until late tomorrow as I can't stand any more pontificating from Chuck Todd, Wolf and the rest of the usual suspects.
And for comparison The White Horse Prophecy.
I'm tellin' ya, Rafalca is just the tip of the iceberg!
Dimo added "At least I'm not doing this shit in Wasilla for Sarah Palin like that dickwad Thomas Muthee."
But what do they say on Kolob?
Also, too: needz moar predictions from kitty litter box deposits!
I hope CNN holograms Dimo in tomorrow night.
After throwing the objects like so many dice outside his hut in Kogelo village, Dimo, who says he is 105 years old, points to a white shell and declares: “Obama is very far ahead and is definitely going to win.”
Methinks Mr. Dimo was glancing at TPM's poll aggregator, which was being displayed on the laptop inside his hut. As the Russian shamans are fond of saying, "Augur, but verify."
I think Dimo had fivethirtyeight on his laptop inside his hut.
Of course white shells point to the black guy. Everything always points to the black guy.
Augur, the verb, you win the internet today!
Still makes more sense than UnskewedPolls.com
Be honest Rebecca, you totally wrote that AP peice. There is no fucking way that was a for real news story. I just will not believe that. Good satire though Editrix, props.
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/A/AF_KENYA_O…
"Ooo eee, ooo ah ah ting tang
Walla walla, bing bang… Obama wins"
The GOP should make this witch-doctor the head of the National Science Foundation! Put him in charge of science education standards! Or better yet, he could be the pollster for the National Review! Jim Geraghty would love these methods, as long as they produced a result he likes!
The GOP
shouldwould make this witch-doctor the head of the National Science Foundation!FIFY
John Dimo is effeminate. Go to unshelledpolls.com for the true story.
Give them time to balance this by writing a story on Romney's ancestral people, rich assholes.
Can you barter those chicken guts for a doctor's visit in Nevada?
Don't be so quick to cast stones: his other "ancestral home" is Kansas.
They use shells, too!
Washed up on the beach, from skeet surfing competitions.
All in all, this is no crazier than a lot of what the teagbagging GOPtards have been spouting lately. In fact, it has the definite advantage of coming to a correct conclusion.
To be fair, no one that I know of has done a decent study RE auguring with chicken guts.
Speaking of polls, Nate Silver has an interestng piece up today about how Obama was already leading before Hurricane Sandy, but the Republicans are already prepping that as an excuse anyways.
http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/11/…
Saw that. If it weren't for Nate, I'd be shivering in a fetal position somewhere.
They also want to claim that the storm took the focus off the economy. The truth is, it showed Obama to be a competent and capable leader, completely invalidating the narrative they've been trying to maintain.
yeah i was watching his aggregates start to show bamz on the upswing (mid month). i kept wondering why as 'everyone' says his foreign policy performance didn't matter.
all i can imagine is more people got an up close look at egg and decided it's better to have a black president than a stone cold mormon bitch with entitlement issues.
Bitch libel! Thats a cunt, that creature.
One last day to enjoy this. "Romney Style" http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embed…!
That was even worse than the song it was based on.
Morris has been playing 'eeny, meeny, miny, moe' on his DC call girl's feet to no avail.
Polls show that Witch Doctor predictions are the most accurate.
So, was there also a piece on Mitt's ancestral village in Mexico? Fuck I'm sick of this shit.
And the soothsayer from the village of meat socks where Mittens comes from is in hiding until November 8th or 9th, depending on how much damage Egg is likely to cause when the meds wear off.
That's a relief. I was trying to predict the outcome by the bumps on my head, but I have been pounding it against the wall the last few weeks so I think my results are skewed..
This is hilarious.
Hey Wonkette, I got a complaint, OK! Listen, now, because this is a stupid little glitch you should be able to fix.
When I try to upfist a post I already upfisted, and that little message window opens and I can't do anything until I click "OK, I got it, I did it wrong, sorry, fucker," well, that little message window is stuck way the fuck up at the top of the page, WHERE I CAN'T FUCKING SEE IT! You should make it open like, in the screen I am looking at, ya know? Do your code-juggling aspergers geeks who do this website shit have their heads up their asses or something? And why even have that little message, just to rub our nose in it that we did something wrong? You could just quietly not count excess upfists, ya know? Oh, but the aspergers geeks need to revel in their superiority and shame us people who don't give a fuck how its done as long as it works.
Are you using Firefox? My 'you stupid dumbass' message appears in the middle of the screen.
Whats a firefox?
Come to MacBook country. It's like Safari, whatever that is, but otherwise.
You have never, ever, steered me wrong. My next computer, you watch, will be yours!
What browser do you use? Have you changed browsers recently?*
*9.50/hr to fully diagnose and resolve your issue.
Prommie, is that really you?
What is this thing you speak of, that which you call 'browser?" I just finger-punch this here answer box, as Chet says, and the words magically appear. I assume shells, bones, amulets and secret spells are involved.
Do you have add-ons in your bag of holding?
You speak as if you think I am joking?
Works fine for me. I think they do it to you just to skew the polls.
And here I thought I had problems.
I think it's an IntenseDebate issue, not a Wonkette issue. You have to complain to a different set of asperger geeks. And as a multigenerational borderline asperger geek (or maybe just a socially maladjusted asshole, depending on whom you ask), what's wrong with pushing buttons? I like buttons. If everyone didn't like pushing extra buttons, they'd complain more loudly and insist that software companies hire some fucking UI designers rather than leaving it up to us engineering types. If it were up to me, you'd have to enter a Captcha before pushing the nag screen button, then enter your password twice and answer a riddle. Did I mention something about being socially maladjusted?
Shhhh, prommie, shhhhh…everything is gonna be OK…
The computilator machine is not worth it.
(Rocks back and forth, smooths prommie's ruffled brow.)
Switch to Chrome for Wonkette, never look back.
The AP article is also inaccurate in stating that Obama has "5 Kenyan half-brothers." Two of Obama's brothers were born to a white American Jewish woman, Ruth (Beatrice Baker) Ndesandjo, and her surviving Obama Sr.-sired son, Mark Ndesandjo, is an American citizen.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/arti…
When I have to start fact-checking the motherfucking AP, we have really lost our shit-paddle in the creek.
Man, Obama's daddy had the mojo.
He was….The Most Interesting Kenyan Socialist Marxist Muslim In The World.
We is drifting in the Sargasso-Shit Sea. Another awkward instant in the Horse Lattitudes.
I can't believe you passed up "Horse Shit Latitudes"!
Damn, your right, that woulda been good!
Jesus, I always thought the phrase referred to the creek being made of shit. I didn't realize we actually were using a paddle made of shit, too!
The boat too? Goddamn it!
In a shit boat up shit creek without a shit paddle.
"Up shit creek without a you-know-what", as my mom would occasionally remark.
The white shell
My witch doctor says this means SHELL OIL will do JUST FINE under a second Obama term…
OK but I'll bet there's no snake handling in that village.
Dick Morris is blindfolded and chooses a toe to suck.
If it's salty, the Republican wins, if it's musty, the Democrat wins.
What if it's corn-y?
Chuck Grassley wins via write-in?
And another fucking thing, ya think maybe just maybe the lamestream media always tries to make every election a horserace and a thriller to the last minute, is not because they are making a cynical ploy for ratings, but rather because, if they ever like, called it straight and said "Mittens has no chance" (or vice versa), then whichever party lost the election would start screaming bloody fucking murder that they only lost because the media depressed voter turnout? Ya know? Like remember the GOP screaming in 2000 that the media fucked republican turnout in that part of Flarda down right underneath Alabama, and that Bush woulda REALLY beat Gore if not that the media depressed the fucktard whiny redneck turnout? Imagine the screeching if the media kinda openly said 'things look bad for Mitt?"
Does the Constitution allow for a person to become president if it is because of a witch doctor's spell?
Wait.., George W. Bush. But that was an evil curse.
Nothing like whimsical racism to break the monotony
What time will the liveblogging commence, I will be a fucking wreck tomorrow, will you all do as Barb does and vote with me in your little hearts, due to my non-citizen status?
this being chicago, i'll vote AGAIN for you.
Already voted last week in early voting, so done and over with. No ballot cast for fascists.
still, dr dimo has more facts at his disposal than fox news.
and fewer blond bimbos.
But what are the Messican polygamists predicting?
The AP has been Jeb to Fox News' W for more than a decade.
Fox in this case being the coke addled phase of Dubya's life, you know, up until he ran for gubbner of Tejas….
In my ancestral village they toss the empties behind the pub, the Guinness/Bushmills coalition is a clear winner
Joe Scarborough's gonna be pissed when he loses to this guy too.
Joe is this year's Guiliani. Every sentence consists of a noun, a verb and Benghazi.
Where's the AP story about the Mexican Romneys and all their wives rooting for a Romney win?
Haha! I'm at work and had to stifle a guffaw, which turned into a pants poopin'.
Kenyan gut dice still more accurate and reliable than Ramussen.
Come on, does the AP even speak Kenyan? He said "The White Shell is going to win."
Could there even be a better analogy for Romney than that?
The white shell filled with baboon shit?
AP – does Murdoch own them now as well?
A virgin sacrifice would clinch it!
I hear Bristol has earned her virginity back. I vote for her and that is the one and only time I will ever vote Palin.
Well, John Dimo got it right, and quite frankly, I'm not sure how his methods are any different than those of anyone in rural Appalachia.
Rebecca is wise beyond her years, with the Witch Doctor song reference.
Kudos, Bekks.
Witch doctor John Dimo tosses bones and stuff around, Ron Fournier amuses himself by flinging his own poo around.
Oh Christ, you ARE trying to get that song stuck in my head. I did see it, you are clever, and kind of a liar. I AM KIDDING. Love me some smarts.
Love me some smartass. Smart Ass? Either way.
Both Ways.
OK, this chat is a little better, but it still leave a whole motherfucking lot to the imagination!
Waddaya want, fucking pictures? This is about fucking romance, man. Mystery, subtelty and shit.
Tutuola: Yo Captain, check this out! I think they were sexting in some kinda code.
Everyone knows the wonkette rules. Videos or gtfo.
Its like that multi-level chess Kirk and Spock used to play, multi-dimensional entendres. Innuendos wrapped in puns within secret coded messages. Its like Finnegan's Wake, cause we are Irish, see?
Mmm, figs wrapped in bacon…Mrs. Kincaid is going to make some. Wait, now I can't even tell if I'm innuendoing!
Anagrams are the only thing we don't do. Just not a thing for us.
Just asking if you have add-ons. Sheesh, that'll be forty bucks now. And I'll speak non-American for the rest of it.
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