Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the wild beauty of Assume Deer Dead.
How has Fox Nation perfectly encapsulated its entire raison d’etre in just those six words? Let us copy and paste their entire article so you won’t have to strain your clicky finger:
(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) – When police arrested Joel Santiago-Vazquez last year, they found a stash of powder and crack cocaine hidden in a false bottom of a Pringles potato chip can.
Police also found, according to their report, that federal immigration authorities had “no record of (his) entering the country”. A detainer was issued, and Santiago-Vazquez became one more illegal immigrant caught in the crosshairs of the federal government.
But FOX Undercover found out something else about Santiago-Vazquez. He’s been registered to vote from his home address in Lawrence since 2010.
Our investigation shows he’s not the only registered voter in Lawrence who is not a citizen. By cross-checking Lawrence voter records with criminal records that included records indicating lack of citizenship, we found three others:
* Bruno Paulino is a legal resident detained by immigration authorities earlier this year, has been a registered Lawrence voter since 2009;Beverly Hills surgeon explains at home fix for crepey skin around the arms, legs, and stomach.
* Jose Jimenez, a legal resident who faces “potential deportation to the Dominican Republic”, according to federal court records, has been a registered Republican in Lawrence since 2010;
* and Marcos Acosta, picked up during a recent immigration sweep, has been a registered voter in Lawrence since 2008.
Acosta’s attorney, Jeffrey Rubin, said, “He’s not aware that he did and he has no recollection of ever registering or agreeing to register.”
Fox’s methodology is a picture-perfect mimeographed copy of the methodology employed by Florida Governor Rick Scott in seeking to throw hundreds of thousands off the rolls. That, of course, led to 91-year-old war heroes being purged, as is so right and proper that even Republican county clerks refused to go along with the scheme.
Broward was following the direction of the state Division of Elections, which initially identified roughly 180,000 potential noncitizens by searching a computer database from the state’s Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles. But the drivers’ license list doesn’t automatically update when someone becomes a citizen.
The state whittled that list to more than 2,600 voters and forwarded those names to counties. A Miami Herald analysis of the list found it was dominated by Democrats, independents and Hispanics. The largest number were from Miami-Dade, home to the state’s highest foreign-born population.
But has anyone checked their Pringles cans for crack?
* We are just kidding, scholars and historians will be put in homosexual camps until they die out.