pure poetry

Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’

they keep coming ...Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the wild beauty of Assume Deer Dead.

How has Fox Nation perfectly encapsulated its entire raison d’etre in just those six words? Let us copy and paste their entire article so you won’t have to strain your clicky finger:

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) – When police arrested Joel Santiago-Vazquez last year, they found a stash of powder and crack cocaine hidden in a false bottom of a Pringles potato chip can.

Police also found, according to their report, that federal immigration authorities had “no record of (his) entering the country”. A detainer was issued, and Santiago-Vazquez became one more illegal immigrant caught in the crosshairs of the federal government.

But FOX Undercover found out something else about Santiago-Vazquez. He’s been registered to vote from his home address in Lawrence since 2010.

Our investigation shows he’s not the only registered voter in Lawrence who is not a citizen. By cross-checking Lawrence voter records with criminal records that included records indicating lack of citizenship, we found three others:

* Bruno Paulino is a legal resident detained by immigration authorities earlier this year, has been a registered Lawrence voter since 2009;

* Jose Jimenez, a legal resident who faces “potential deportation to the Dominican Republic”, according to federal court records, has been a registered Republican in Lawrence since 2010;

* and Marcos Acosta, picked up during a recent immigration sweep, has been a registered voter in Lawrence since 2008.

Acosta’s attorney, Jeffrey Rubin, said, “He’s not aware that he did and he has no recollection of ever registering or agreeing to register.”

Fox’s methodology is a picture-perfect mimeographed copy of the methodology employed by Florida Governor Rick Scott in seeking to throw hundreds of thousands off the rolls. That, of course, led to 91-year-old war heroes being purged, as is so right and proper that even Republican county clerks refused to go along with the scheme.

Broward was following the direction of the state Division of Elections, which initially identified roughly 180,000 potential noncitizens by searching a computer database from the state’s Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles. But the drivers’ license list doesn’t automatically update when someone becomes a citizen.

The state whittled that list to more than 2,600 voters and forwarded those names to counties. A Miami Herald analysis of the list found it was dominated by Democrats, independents and Hispanics. The largest number were from Miami-Dade, home to the state’s highest foreign-born population.

But has anyone checked their Pringles cans for crack?

* We are just kidding, scholars and historians will be put in homosexual camps until they die out.

[FoxNation]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Come here a minute

    I bet ya can't eat just one.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      That was Lay's.

      Which has a cooler name, too.

      • Come here a minute

        Yes, the googles tell me that what I meant to say was, "Once you pop you can't stop."

        Which is a better metaphor for crack, too.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    'My name — José Jiménez.'

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      BILL DANA LIBEL!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Your move, Bill Dana.

    • gullywompr

      a registered Republican.

    • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

      And a Jungarian Hew.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Whatever happened to his brother, Hose Bee?

    • CindynEncinitas

      You're shitting me, right? You hafta be shitting me.

    • ttommyunger

      Another old exposed.

  • midnighttoker69

    I think I'm gonna go vote early, pick up a large bottle of something potent, and hide in my basement until after the apocalypse. I hope I see you all on the other side.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    This one time, at homosexual camp …

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Rusty trombone?

    • Fare la Volpe

      "One time"?

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    What? No mention of terrorist fist bumps?

  • Callyson

    Those people who were standing in line for fucking hours to vote because of this voter suppression crap probably could have used some crack.

  • BadKitty904

    Ah, the all-important CSIA demographic…

  • nounverb911

    He'll be the perfect fill in host for Fox and Fiends.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Y'know, I'll put a hundred on FOX news having several cases of mistaken identity going here.

  • Schmannnity

    Another Scott Brown voter bites the dust.

  • SorosBot

    What are you suggesting, that different individuals might have the same name? But that's crazy talk, besides those names all sound Spanish so clearly they can't belong to real American citizens.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Yea! No Mexican has a real American name like Romney!

  • gullywompr

    And Fox is not investigating the Virginia GOP because why?

  • freakishlywrong

    That's almost as poetic as Wonkette's famous; "Backbiting Fuck-Tussle.". Almost.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'll see your Backbiting Fuck-Tussle and raise you a Tongue-Punched Fartbox.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    People don't really eat Pringles do they? They just buy them to have a handy can to hide their stash.

  • Generation[redacted]

    Politicians ignore the crack smoking illegal alien demographic at their own peril.

  • MissTaken
    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      What in the fuck is the other 58%??

      • BigSkullF*ckingDog

        Crack cocaine, duh.

      • MissTaken

        Crack?

      • WhatTheHolyHeck

        Salt.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Starch.

        How do you think they get it shaped like that?

        • VodkaGoGo

          I always figured it was rat semen.

      • VodkaGoGo

        Pink slime?

        • HempDogbane

          Pink slime libel !

      • YasserArraFeck

        "Fun", if all the ads are to be believed

      • OneDollarJuana

        Rice flour. Wheat starch. Maltodextrin.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Papier-mâché?

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        There are 58 percent of the Pringle who will pretend to be potato no matter what. All right, there are 58 percent who are with it, who are dependent upon marketing, who believe that they are nutritive, who believe that people have a responsibility to eat them, who believe that they are entitled to salt, to potato, to vegetable oil, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And Proctor and Gamble (developer of Pringles) should give it to them. And they will be part of this Pringle no matter what. And I mean, the Pringle starts off with 58, 59, 58—it starts off with a huge number of calories. These are Pringles who pay no digestive tax. Fifty-eight percent of Pringles are undigestable.

        • NellCote71

          Brilliant.

    • SorosBot

      What's next, are those over-regulating big government Britishers going to demand drinks labeled "orange juice" have more than 10% actual juice and 90% water, artificial flavors and colors?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        They really need to take a look at haggis, before they start hurling invective at Pringles.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    The cops are on to the Pringle's can gag? Shit, I'm going to have to find a more fail-safe stash place. If I only I had a colostomy.

    • AlterNewt

      That would be sweet.

    • Devilette

      A friend used the battery compartment of a dildo to carry weed on flights. It so grossed out TSA she would just slip on by, no problem.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    So not a single Miguel Raton? Donaldo Pato? Not even Al K. Agua de Seltz? Polla Duele?

    I call bullshit.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Weedlord Bonerhitler-Romero.

  • LastGasp

    Jose Jimenez, a legal resident who faces “potential deportation to the Dominican Republic”… has been a registered Republican in Lawrence since 2010

    How could Faux News have a problem with someone — anyone, voting Republican?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Of course he's Republican; he's from the Dominican Republic.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Yea, that was pointed out in the Comments section. The "Nation's" response was, in short, "Yer a ni**er-loving ACORN-supporting LIAR and yer mom's a whore, also." Because classy!

  • Radiotherapy

    Is he a Mormon too?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Good gravy. How soon we forget!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "When police arrested Joel Santiago-Vazquez last year"

    Of course he's a criminal, he has TWO Mexican names.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    "Fox Undercover". As usual, Simpsons did it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homer_and_Apu

  • Cleopatriot

    No one except a born in this country American would eat Pringles.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Wonkette False-bottom Cans Now on sale.

  • PuckStopsHere

    Two hyphenated Spanish-sound names? That's double bad. He should have been arrested for that alone. Unless he can hit lefthanders or something.

    • JustPixelz

      It's possible they only searched for Latino names and assumed the rest.

    • YasserArraFeck

      If his first name had been "Jose", he would have been a three-time loser and they could have jailed him for life, no questions asked.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    But the Frito Bandito still remains at large.

    • dr_giraud

      He registered Republican as instructed by corporate overlords.

    • UW8316154

      And Jack is still In The Box.

  • sbj1964

    Non citizens voting?Hell less than 50% of Americans vote.Way to exercise the right most people in America figured out when the Prom Queen election was rigged.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Gotta give credit to the FOX for prioritizing the ignominy of vote havens for taxpayers. Next, surely, they'll get around to criticizing tax havens for Koch-players.

  • Fox n Fiends

    Buts its totally fine if they want to become Marines.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    When I walk by the Pringle's display at the grocery, I have never seen any kind of indication that there is a "surprise" inside, like Cracker Jack has. They might improve their sales if people thought they were going to have a chance at finding some free crack when they get to the bottom of the can.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wait. I thought Pringles were crack?

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    Fox News: Assume Brain Dead.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Clancy_Pants

    If it's really good crack he might vote for Romney.

  • Arkoday

    I am Joel Santiago-Vazquez. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

    (with votes)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Joel should have Stood His Stack

  • Wadisay

    How do conservatives figure photo ID is going to help weed out illegal minority voters, since they all look alike?

    • VodkaGoGo

      Ever done voter suppression, on weed?

  • UW8316154

    FOX could investigate Rush: "Fat, pill-popping misogynist registered to vote"

  • VodkaGoGo

    I'd come up with something snarky to say but all the easy ones are already taken and this election cycle has left me dead inside. Tits or GTFO?

    • SnarkOff

      All of them, Katie? Hitler? With votes?

      • VodkaGoGo

        Also too, also, too.

  • TootsStansbury

    Fox is a Pox that Sucks Kochs and All Their Viewers Can Say is "BAWWWWWWK"!
    Details at 11:00.

  • Guppy

    By registering to vote, he's just taking yet another job Americans don't want.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    So, how many millions did Roger Ailes spend to find one illegal, crack smoking alien that was registered to vote?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    I concluded that Jeffrey Rubin and Wayne Hayes are the same person– a Halloween prospector beard and some aging makeup makes all the difference. The eyes are the same.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    OT: But.. .http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/

    11/05/2012

    • Steverino247

      Link no work.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212
      • Jus_Wonderin

        Dang. I put those ellipsis in there and they borked it.

      • Steverino247

        I like that rude pundit guy!

  • Steverino247

    The problem obviously arises from the fact that when the Spanish came to America to force the natives to dig silver and gold for them, they failed to bring enough surnames.

  • Barrelhse

    It's..it's beautiful! I'm gettin' all misty.

  • cassamandra

    I got a voter registration in the mail this year. I called the clerk and told her I was a furriner. She said I probably checked the "register me to vote" box on my DL renewal form by accident. I told her I was pretty sure I hadn't. She checked. I was right. She didn't seem apologetic about it. I was kinda fine with it all, too. Better over- than underregister. Just sayin'

  • An_Outhouse

    Thanks for the heads up, I moved my crack from the Pringle's can, now that they're on to it.

  • chascates

    Canada maintains a single national voter registration database as opposed to the 13,000 or so county registrars that we suffer under. But since we're America, the greatest at everything, we won't have meaningful voting reform. The pols want as many way to game the system as possible.

  • oakland_dave

    cellar door for a new generation

  • Naked_Bunny

    That's the damndest picture of Winnie-the-Pooh I've ever seen.

  • DahBoner

    Crack-smoking is one word now?

    WHATS THE HURRY HONEY

  • mosjef

    Hannity Arrested for Soliciting in Port Authority Men's Room

  • ttommyunger

    "I resent the allegation and I resent the alligator."- The Frito Bandito.