PURE POETRY  12:10 pm November 5, 2012

Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

they keep coming ...Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the wild beauty of Assume Deer Dead.

How has Fox Nation perfectly encapsulated its entire raison d’etre in just those six words? Let us copy and paste their entire article so you won’t have to strain your clicky finger:

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) – When police arrested Joel Santiago-Vazquez last year, they found a stash of powder and crack cocaine hidden in a false bottom of a Pringles potato chip can.

Police also found, according to their report, that federal immigration authorities had “no record of (his) entering the country”. A detainer was issued, and Santiago-Vazquez became one more illegal immigrant caught in the crosshairs of the federal government.

But FOX Undercover found out something else about Santiago-Vazquez. He’s been registered to vote from his home address in Lawrence since 2010.

Our investigation shows he’s not the only registered voter in Lawrence who is not a citizen. By cross-checking Lawrence voter records with criminal records that included records indicating lack of citizenship, we found three others:

* Bruno Paulino is a legal resident detained by immigration authorities earlier this year, has been a registered Lawrence voter since 2009;

* Jose Jimenez, a legal resident who faces “potential deportation to the Dominican Republic”, according to federal court records, has been a registered Republican in Lawrence since 2010;

* and Marcos Acosta, picked up during a recent immigration sweep, has been a registered voter in Lawrence since 2008.

Acosta’s attorney, Jeffrey Rubin, said, “He’s not aware that he did and he has no recollection of ever registering or agreeing to register.”

Fox’s methodology is a picture-perfect mimeographed copy of the methodology employed by Florida Governor Rick Scott in seeking to throw hundreds of thousands off the rolls. That, of course, led to 91-year-old war heroes being purged, as is so right and proper that even Republican county clerks refused to go along with the scheme.

Broward was following the direction of the state Division of Elections, which initially identified roughly 180,000 potential noncitizens by searching a computer database from the state’s Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles. But the drivers’ license list doesn’t automatically update when someone becomes a citizen.

The state whittled that list to more than 2,600 voters and forwarded those names to counties. A Miami Herald analysis of the list found it was dominated by Democrats, independents and Hispanics. The largest number were from Miami-Dade, home to the state’s highest foreign-born population.

But has anyone checked their Pringles cans for crack?

* We are just kidding, scholars and historians will be put in homosexual camps until they die out.

[FoxNation]

 
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{ 102 comments }

Come here a minute November 5, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I bet ya can't eat just one.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

That was Lay's.

Which has a cooler name, too.

Come here a minute November 5, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Yes, the googles tell me that what I meant to say was, "Once you pop you can't stop."

Which is a better metaphor for crack, too.

Loch_Nessosaur November 5, 2012 at 12:14 pm

'My name — José Jiménez.'

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

BILL DANA LIBEL!

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Your move, Bill Dana.

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 12:20 pm

a registered Republican.

Spurning Beer November 5, 2012 at 1:09 pm

And a Jungarian Hew.

boskolives November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Whatever happened to his brother, Hose Bee?

CindynEncinitas November 5, 2012 at 3:38 pm

You're shitting me, right? You hafta be shitting me.

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:15 am

Another old exposed.

midnighttoker69 November 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I think I'm gonna go vote early, pick up a large bottle of something potent, and hide in my basement until after the apocalypse. I hope I see you all on the other side.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

This one time, at homosexual camp …

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Rusty trombone?

Fare la Volpe November 5, 2012 at 12:20 pm

"One time"?

EnnuiThereYet? November 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

What? No mention of terrorist fist bumps?

Callyson November 5, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Those people who were standing in line for fucking hours to vote because of this voter suppression crap probably could have used some crack.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Ah, the all-important CSIA demographic…

nounverb911 November 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

He'll be the perfect fill in host for Fox and Fiends.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Y'know, I'll put a hundred on FOX news having several cases of mistaken identity going here.

Redhead November 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm
Schmannnity November 5, 2012 at 12:16 pm

Another Scott Brown voter bites the dust.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm

What are you suggesting, that different individuals might have the same name? But that's crazy talk, besides those names all sound Spanish so clearly they can't belong to real American citizens.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:21 pm

Yea! No Mexican has a real American name like Romney!

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm

And Fox is not investigating the Virginia GOP because why?

freakishlywrong November 5, 2012 at 12:17 pm

That's almost as poetic as Wonkette's famous; "Backbiting Fuck-Tussle.". Almost.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I'll see your Backbiting Fuck-Tussle and raise you a Tongue-Punched Fartbox.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm

People don't really eat Pringles do they? They just buy them to have a handy can to hide their stash.

gullywompr November 5, 2012 at 12:24 pm
ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:16 am

Well I sure as Hell don't.

Generation[redacted] November 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Politicians ignore the crack smoking illegal alien demographic at their own peril.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 12:26 pm

What in the fuck is the other 58%??

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 5, 2012 at 12:29 pm

Crack cocaine, duh.

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Crack?

WhatTheHolyHeck November 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Salt.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Starch.

How do you think they get it shaped like that?

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I always figured it was rat semen.

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Pink slime?

HempDogbane November 5, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Pink slime libel !

YasserArraFeck November 5, 2012 at 12:47 pm

"Fun", if all the ads are to be believed

OneDollarJuana November 5, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Rice flour. Wheat starch. Maltodextrin.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Papier-mâché?

Incitefully_Joe November 5, 2012 at 12:59 pm

There are 58 percent of the Pringle who will pretend to be potato no matter what. All right, there are 58 percent who are with it, who are dependent upon marketing, who believe that they are nutritive, who believe that people have a responsibility to eat them, who believe that they are entitled to salt, to potato, to vegetable oil, to you name it. That that's an entitlement. And Proctor and Gamble (developer of Pringles) should give it to them. And they will be part of this Pringle no matter what. And I mean, the Pringle starts off with 58, 59, 58—it starts off with a huge number of calories. These are Pringles who pay no digestive tax. Fifty-eight percent of Pringles are undigestable.

NellCote71 November 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Brilliant.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 12:28 pm

What's next, are those over-regulating big government Britishers going to demand drinks labeled "orange juice" have more than 10% actual juice and 90% water, artificial flavors and colors?

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:50 pm

They really need to take a look at haggis, before they start hurling invective at Pringles.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:18 pm

The cops are on to the Pringle's can gag? Shit, I'm going to have to find a more fail-safe stash place. If I only I had a colostomy.

AlterNewt November 5, 2012 at 12:39 pm

That would be sweet.

Devilette November 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

A friend used the battery compartment of a dildo to carry weed on flights. It so grossed out TSA she would just slip on by, no problem.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm

So not a single Miguel Raton? Donaldo Pato? Not even Al K. Agua de Seltz? Polla Duele?

I call bullshit.

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Weedlord Bonerhitler-Romero.

LastGasp November 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Jose Jimenez, a legal resident who faces “potential deportation to the Dominican Republic”… has been a registered Republican in Lawrence since 2010

How could Faux News have a problem with someone — anyone, voting Republican?

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Of course he's Republican; he's from the Dominican Republic.

elviouslyqueer November 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm

Yea, that was pointed out in the Comments section. The "Nation's" response was, in short, "Yer a ni**er-loving ACORN-supporting LIAR and yer mom's a whore, also." Because classy!

Radiotherapy November 5, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Is he a Mormon too?

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Good gravy. How soon we forget!

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:20 pm

"When police arrested Joel Santiago-Vazquez last year"

Of course he's a criminal, he has TWO Mexican names.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 5, 2012 at 12:21 pm

"Fox Undercover". As usual, Simpsons did it. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homer_and_Apu

Cleopatriot November 5, 2012 at 12:21 pm

No one except a born in this country American would eat Pringles.

viennawoods13 November 5, 2012 at 5:51 pm

But how else do you do duck lips??

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Wonkette False-bottom Cans Now on sale.

PuckStopsHere November 5, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Two hyphenated Spanish-sound names? That's double bad. He should have been arrested for that alone. Unless he can hit lefthanders or something.

JustPixelz November 5, 2012 at 12:47 pm

It's possible they only searched for Latino names and assumed the rest.

YasserArraFeck November 5, 2012 at 12:50 pm

If his first name had been "Jose", he would have been a three-time loser and they could have jailed him for life, no questions asked.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:22 pm

But the Frito Bandito still remains at large.

dr_giraud November 5, 2012 at 12:35 pm

He registered Republican as instructed by corporate overlords.

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 12:38 pm

And Jack is still In The Box.

sbj1964 November 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Non citizens voting?Hell less than 50% of Americans vote.Way to exercise the right most people in America figured out when the Prom Queen election was rigged.

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Gotta give credit to the FOX for prioritizing the ignominy of vote havens for taxpayers. Next, surely, they'll get around to criticizing tax havens for Koch-players.

Fox n Fiends November 5, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Buts its totally fine if they want to become Marines.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 12:29 pm

When I walk by the Pringle's display at the grocery, I have never seen any kind of indication that there is a "surprise" inside, like Cracker Jack has. They might improve their sales if people thought they were going to have a chance at finding some free crack when they get to the bottom of the can.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Wait. I thought Pringles were crack?

ChillBill November 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Fox News: Assume Brain Dead.

Clancy_Pants November 5, 2012 at 12:34 pm

If it's really good crack he might vote for Romney.

Arkoday November 5, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I am Joel Santiago-Vazquez. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

(with votes)

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Joel should have Stood His Stack

Wadisay November 5, 2012 at 12:39 pm

How do conservatives figure photo ID is going to help weed out illegal minority voters, since they all look alike?

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Ever done voter suppression, on weed?

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

FOX could investigate Rush: "Fat, pill-popping misogynist registered to vote"

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm

I'd come up with something snarky to say but all the easy ones are already taken and this election cycle has left me dead inside. Tits or GTFO?

SnarkOff November 5, 2012 at 12:45 pm

All of them, Katie? Hitler? With votes?

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Also too, also, too.

TootsStansbury November 5, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Fox is a Pox that Sucks Kochs and All Their Viewers Can Say is "BAWWWWWWK"!
Details at 11:00.

Guppy November 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm

By registering to vote, he's just taking yet another job Americans don't want.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 5, 2012 at 12:48 pm

So, how many millions did Roger Ailes spend to find one illegal, crack smoking alien that was registered to vote?

smokefilledroommate November 5, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I concluded that Jeffrey Rubin and Wayne Hayes are the same person– a Halloween prospector beard and some aging makeup makes all the difference. The eyes are the same.

Jus_Wonderin November 5, 2012 at 12:52 pm

OT: But.. .http://rudepundit.blogspot.com/

11/05/2012

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Link no work.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Jus_Wonderin November 5, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Dang. I put those ellipsis in there and they borked it.

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm

I like that rude pundit guy!

Steverino247 November 5, 2012 at 1:38 pm

The problem obviously arises from the fact that when the Spanish came to America to force the natives to dig silver and gold for them, they failed to bring enough surnames.

Barrelhse November 5, 2012 at 2:13 pm

It's..it's beautiful! I'm gettin' all misty.

cassamandra November 5, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I got a voter registration in the mail this year. I called the clerk and told her I was a furriner. She said I probably checked the "register me to vote" box on my DL renewal form by accident. I told her I was pretty sure I hadn't. She checked. I was right. She didn't seem apologetic about it. I was kinda fine with it all, too. Better over- than underregister. Just sayin'

An_Outhouse November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Thanks for the heads up, I moved my crack from the Pringle's can, now that they're on to it.

chascates November 5, 2012 at 3:11 pm

Canada maintains a single national voter registration database as opposed to the 13,000 or so county registrars that we suffer under. But since we're America, the greatest at everything, we won't have meaningful voting reform. The pols want as many way to game the system as possible.

oakland_dave November 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

cellar door for a new generation

Naked_Bunny November 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

That's the damndest picture of Winnie-the-Pooh I've ever seen.

DahBoner November 5, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Crack-smoking is one word now?

WHATS THE HURRY HONEY

mosjef November 5, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Hannity Arrested for Soliciting in Port Authority Men's Room

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:18 am

"I resent the allegation and I resent the alligator."- The Frito Bandito.

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