Bill Clinton To Unleash Irish Paramilitaries To Ensure Obama Victory

  erin go bragh

They're not THAT kind of RepublicanSome people have made some pretty bold claims about the 2012 election and our present-day electorate — “most polarized in history,” blah blah blah — ignoring the fact that America did once have an actual civil war, with hundreds of thousands dead, because many simply did not care for an election outcome (and also slavery). It’s honestly like Americans don’t even know how to run a civil war anymore! That’s why former president Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish — in an attempt to unleash a wave of semtex bombings and assassinations by masked gunmen against any attempt to impose Romney rule!

The Troubles — a decades-long, low-level civil war in Northern Ireland — was one of several seemingly intractable problems that Bill Clinton solved during his presidency. This is public knowledge, but what’s less well known is that he did it by defeating the leaders of the various Northern Irish factions in drunken, shirtless hand-to-hand combat in a secret “fighting pit” in the basement of Stormont Castle. In doing so, he became the ritual commander of both the Protestant and Catholic clans of that region, and was able to use his charismatic power to order them to cease killing one another. In Irish beliefs, any man who disobeys Bill Clinton’s commands will be kidnapped to Faerie by leprechauns.

Now Clinton is ready to direct Irish AK-47s at a new target: Mitt Romney.

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Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler.

Clinton explained that Chrysler had been sold to Italian car company Fiat who had actually turned the company around and restored it to profitability.

Clinton called Romney’s allegations about foreign influence absurd and stated it was an attempt to create some kind of ‘Deep dark conspiracy.’

It was then he used the line that the Irish could be next on Romney’s hit list.

Sources inside the Romney campaign indicate that the GOP candidate plans to unleash thousands of Norman bowman to put down the Celtic uprising and, if necessary, revive the headless body of Oliver Cromwell via dark Saxon magick. [IrishCentral]

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About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

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110 comments

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Fifteen minutes later
      We had our first taste of whiskey
      There was uncles giving lectures
      On ancient Irish history
      The men all started telling jokes
      And the women they got frisky
      At five o'clock in the evening
      Every bastard there was piskey

      Fare thee well going away
      There's nothing left to say
      Farewell to New York City boys
      To Boston and PA
      He took them out
      With a well-aimed clout
      He was often heard to say
      I'm a free born man of the USA

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    We're definitely a volatile and oppressed minority and IntenseDebate is also coming after us next.

    1. njstore

      Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
      I resemble that remark.
      Not really. I look like my Scottish mother not my Irish father.
      And f*ck Oliver Cromwell. A billion times.

  2. SorosBot

    Oh it's worse than that; Bill Clinton has already had the Irish hordes training for years; they already spend one day each March taking over American cities by getting outrageously drunk on green beer, vomiting all over the place and starting fights in all the bars.

  3. MacRaith

    Uh, right. I can really see South Boston rising up and revolting under Bill Clinton's leadership in the event of a Romney victory. Yeah, it's all perfectly obvious.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    As a volatile Irish person, if this country elects Mitt Romney, I am all for SOME kind of civil uprising.

  5. ThundercatHo

    Tell me more about this shirtless, sweaty, fighting pit. Are Liam Neeson and Daniel Craig (hopefully) involved? Are there videos available? What about Old Handsome Joe? If there are some asses to be kicked I'm sure he'll be there. That's right, Paul Ryan, we're looking at you.

    1. Dr_Zoidberg

      Hmmmmm….I like where you're going with this, but could we have a tag-team, and get Hugh Jackman in there, shirtless and sweaty?

      1. ThundercatHo

        Absolutely, and Patrick Stewart should be MC. I can hear it now . . . Oh, shit nevermind, I have lots to do today.

  6. Oblios_Cap

    Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish

    Are you looking at me?

    We Irish- Americans feel the repression inherent in the system and, thus, must drink much more heavily than the other groups.

    1. njstore

      I use a bottle of Guinness in my flank steak marinade.
      It is a sacrilege but I flog myself by drinking a couple of pints as penitence.

  7. calliecallie

    Paul Ryan already hinted at this plan when he said the war on women was about as serious as the war on left-handed Irishmen.

    Me mum and I took particular note of his statement, as all four of her teenage grandsons are left-handed Irishmen.

  8. Estproph

    This calls for some Dropkick Murphys!

    When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
    When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
    When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

    When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
    When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
    When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash them to the ground
    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down

    When the boss comes callin' you'll be on your own
    When the boss comes callin' will you stand alone?
    When the boss comes callin' will you let them in?

    When the boss comes callin' will you stand and fight?
    When the boss comes callin' we must unite
    When the boss comes callin' we can't let them win

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash 'em to the ground
    Let em know

    We gotta take the bastards down

    We gotta take the bastards down

    When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
    When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
    When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

    When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
    When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
    When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash 'em to the ground
    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash 'em to the ground
    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down

      1. prommie

        And we my dear are going out in style! I saw the Dropkicks open for the fucking SEX PISTOLS! Johnny Rotten's autobio is named "No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs!"

  9. Terry

    "Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler."

    As an Irish-American, I'd like to say that there really isn't anything Romney could say about the Irish that hasn't been said before. Seen it. Heard it. Succeeded despite it.

  10. calliecallie

    Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud.

  11. BaldarTFlagass

    Yeah, and I bet Mitt don't know shit about no whiskey in the jar-o, musha ring dum a do dum a da.

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    So, if the inhabitants of the Emerald Isle decide to have an uprising, like the folks in Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya, will we be calling it the Irish Spring?

  13. sbj1964

    OK we'll take the niggers,and the chinks,but not the Irish.'No deal it's got to be everyone.' OK,even the Irish.

  14. BadKitty904

    Well, hells, if we're going to get all Gaelic about it, I'm for raising the Highland clans and marching against the tyrant's minions…

    Now's the day, an now's the hour!
    See the front o' battle lour,
    See approach proud Mitten's power –
    Chains and slaverie!

  15. delaney_blom

    Does this mean I need to report to the nearest predominantly republican polling place with my ski mask, rosary beads, and a jug of potcheen?

  16. rickmaci

    Clinton. Have you looked at his travel schedule from the weekend and today? He has been campaigning in as many places each day as Obama or Romoney. He is fuk'n heroic I tell ya.

  17. fuflans

    well i say a pogues send off to mitt and egg:

    I could have been someone
    Well so could anyone
    You took my dreams from me
    When I first found you
    I kept them with me babe
    I put them with my own
    Can´t make it out alone
    I´ve built my dreams around you

    And the boys of the NYPD choir's still singing Galway Bay
    And the bells are ringing out
    For christmas day.

    now time for more ramones!

  18. mustangsavvy

    Whoa. So you're saying that His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney could *actually* become a FOR REAL title?!?!?! This could be hilarious.

    His Hairness leads the charge against the Irish!!!

  19. a_pink_poodle

    Heeey gabagool, how YOU doin'?

    I'm sorry I don't know Italian stereotypes. I actually had to have a Hispanic friend tell me all the different racial slurs when I first came to the US.

Comments are closed.