erin go bragh

Bill Clinton To Unleash Irish Paramilitaries To Ensure Obama Victory

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

They're not THAT kind of RepublicanSome people have made some pretty bold claims about the 2012 election and our present-day electorate — “most polarized in history,” blah blah blah — ignoring the fact that America did once have an actual civil war, with hundreds of thousands dead, because many simply did not care for an election outcome (and also slavery). It’s honestly like Americans don’t even know how to run a civil war anymore! That’s why former president Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish — in an attempt to unleash a wave of semtex bombings and assassinations by masked gunmen against any attempt to impose Romney rule!

The Troubles — a decades-long, low-level civil war in Northern Ireland — was one of several seemingly intractable problems that Bill Clinton solved during his presidency. This is public knowledge, but what’s less well known is that he did it by defeating the leaders of the various Northern Irish factions in drunken, shirtless hand-to-hand combat in a secret “fighting pit” in the basement of Stormont Castle. In doing so, he became the ritual commander of both the Protestant and Catholic clans of that region, and was able to use his charismatic power to order them to cease killing one another. In Irish beliefs, any man who disobeys Bill Clinton’s commands will be kidnapped to Faerie by leprechauns.

Now Clinton is ready to direct Irish AK-47s at a new target: Mitt Romney.

Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler.

Clinton explained that Chrysler had been sold to Italian car company Fiat who had actually turned the company around and restored it to profitability.

Clinton called Romney’s allegations about foreign influence absurd and stated it was an attempt to create some kind of ‘Deep dark conspiracy.’

It was then he used the line that the Irish could be next on Romney’s hit list.

Sources inside the Romney campaign indicate that the GOP candidate plans to unleash thousands of Norman bowman to put down the Celtic uprising and, if necessary, revive the headless body of Oliver Cromwell via dark Saxon magick. [IrishCentral]

About the author

Josh was born and raised in Buffalo, New York, leaving him with a love of chicken wings and a tendency to say “pop”. He taught ancient Greek and Roman history to undergraduates before fleeing from academia in terror; worked for a failed San Francisco dot-com that neglected to supply him with stock options or an Aeron chair; lived in Berlin, where he mostly ate Indian and Ethiopian food; finished in third place on his sole Jeopardy! appearance (the correct answer was “Golda Meir”); and was named 2007 Blogger of the Year by The Week, for obvious reasons. Josh is the creator/editor of COMICS CURMUDGEON (which you should read) and does geeky editing and writing about geeky things such as "the Java programming industry for JavaWorld." He lives in Baltimore with his wife Amber and his cat Hoagie.

View all articles by Josh Fruhlinger

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Boojum

    Erin go bragh!

    • Barbara_

      Erin go bragh-less in the swing states.

      • Boojum

        Erin is a redhead with amazing breasts and just Bill's type. By which I mean female.

      • memzilla

        That's why they call them "swing states," right?

      • GhostBuggy

        Free the Dublin Two!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Hell, Erin go braless…..

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oops, Barbara got there first and better….(stumbling away grumbling)….

      • Barbara_

        Good morning, Too!

    • Terry

      … and to Mitt Romney, a hearty póg mo thóin

  • CrunchyKnee

    'Alternative Mittens'

    Stiff Little Fingers libelz.

    • alteredimages

      Mittens gives me an Alternative Ulcer.

      • GuidanceRo_Man

        I love that comment so much it is now pregnant with 8 robo-rape-babies.

  • SwanSwanH

    DNC: Freedom Fighters

  • Troubledog

    I fookin hate pikeys.

    • eggsacklywright

      Periwinkle caravans and all.

    • mayor_quimby

      They're always throwing a dog into a bargain for no reason.

  • tihond

    Pretty sure the Pogues had a song predicting this.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Fifteen minutes later
      We had our first taste of whiskey
      There was uncles giving lectures
      On ancient Irish history
      The men all started telling jokes
      And the women they got frisky
      At five o'clock in the evening
      Every bastard there was piskey

      Fare thee well going away
      There's nothing left to say
      Farewell to New York City boys
      To Boston and PA
      He took them out
      With a well-aimed clout
      He was often heard to say
      I'm a free born man of the USA

      • VodkaGoGo

        Well that settles it Dok, You're my favorite person on the Wonkette.

    • alteredimages

      Thousands Are Sailing?

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    We're definitely a volatile and oppressed minority and IntenseDebate is also coming after us next.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Romboto won't hate the Irish… just the Black Irish.

    • njstore

      Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
      I resemble that remark.
      Not really. I look like my Scottish mother not my Irish father.
      And f*ck Oliver Cromwell. A billion times.

  • SorosBot

    Oh it's worse than that; Bill Clinton has already had the Irish hordes training for years; they already spend one day each March taking over American cities by getting outrageously drunk on green beer, vomiting all over the place and starting fights in all the bars.

    • SwanSwanH

      "We've heard the jokes, so SAVE IT!"

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Of course Mitt hates the Irish, what with that guy O'Bama and all.

  • SwanSwanH

    26 + 6 = 270

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    So what's Peter King's opinion on this?

    • mayor_quimby

      He always errs on the side of sending them weapons and money, just t be safe.

  • sbj1964

    Bill Clinton,he is my favorite black President.Sorry Barry he was my first.

  • neiltheblaze

    Hey – whatever works.

  • Pragmatist2

    I'd worry more that Mormon Mitt would be coming after our Irish whiskey.

    • eggsacklywright

      And Scotch will follow. The horror.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

      Cold dead hands, etc.

    • CthuNHu

      Ye can have me Lucky Charms when ye pry them oot of me sticky pudgy ginger-haired fingers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Romney has a plan? Yeah, right.

    • tihond

      He'll tell you about it after he's elected.

      • One_who_wanders

        To his second term, no need to rush.

    • viennawoods13

      Well, to be fair, don't all Cylons have a plan?

  • MacRaith

    Uh, right. I can really see South Boston rising up and revolting under Bill Clinton's leadership in the event of a Romney victory. Yeah, it's all perfectly obvious.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      But they will revolt if the Mittster goes there with Rudy "Yankee Fan" Giuliani!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Hey, I'm part-Irish! Where do I get my bombs and stuff?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      According to the previous post's image, a little child could lead you there!

    • MacRaith

      Contact your local chapter of the Ancient Order of Hibernians. Tell them Bill sent you.

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      Dundalk.

  • FakaktaSouth

    As a volatile Irish person, if this country elects Mitt Romney, I am all for SOME kind of civil uprising.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Even an uncivil one will do.

      • prommie

        Romney is a stupid cunt and he can pogue mahone.

  • ThundercatHo

    Tell me more about this shirtless, sweaty, fighting pit. Are Liam Neeson and Daniel Craig (hopefully) involved? Are there videos available? What about Old Handsome Joe? If there are some asses to be kicked I'm sure he'll be there. That's right, Paul Ryan, we're looking at you.

    • GhostBuggy

      Old Handsome Joe owns the castle.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Hmmmmm….I like where you're going with this, but could we have a tag-team, and get Hugh Jackman in there, shirtless and sweaty?

      • ThundercatHo

        Absolutely, and Patrick Stewart should be MC. I can hear it now . . . Oh, shit nevermind, I have lots to do today.

      • ThundercatHo

        Oh, we forgot about Dennis Leary, also, too.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish

    Are you looking at me?

    We Irish- Americans feel the repression inherent in the system and, thus, must drink much more heavily than the other groups.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Aren't you guys an autonomous collective?

      • Oblios_Cap

        We try, but are usually too drunk to be a cohesive force.

  • kittensdontlie

    I will greet our drunken Irish liberators with flowers and cold mugs of Guinness.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Ehem, cool pints of Guinness.

      • rickmaci

        And Jameson chasers.

    • njstore

      I use a bottle of Guinness in my flank steak marinade.
      It is a sacrilege but I flog myself by drinking a couple of pints as penitence.

  • Fairtackle

    A Romney drone strike on Celtic thunder? Hmm

  • calliecallie

    Paul Ryan already hinted at this plan when he said the war on women was about as serious as the war on left-handed Irishmen.

    Me mum and I took particular note of his statement, as all four of her teenage grandsons are left-handed Irishmen.

    • njstore

      O'Bama is left-handed.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    Election. Almost. Over.
    (Thank God.)

    • proudgrampa

      Hear, hear!

  • Estproph

    This calls for some Dropkick Murphys!

    When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
    When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
    When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

    When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
    When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
    When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash them to the ground
    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down

    When the boss comes callin' you'll be on your own
    When the boss comes callin' will you stand alone?
    When the boss comes callin' will you let them in?

    When the boss comes callin' will you stand and fight?
    When the boss comes callin' we must unite
    When the boss comes callin' we can't let them win

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash 'em to the ground
    Let em know

    We gotta take the bastards down

    We gotta take the bastards down

    When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
    When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
    When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

    When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
    When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
    When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash 'em to the ground
    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down

    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down
    Let them know
    We gotta smash 'em to the ground
    Let em know
    We gotta take the bastards down

    • FakaktaSouth

      Also, Dropkick style, "Kiss me, I'm shitfaced." See? I really AM Irish.

      • prommie

        And we my dear are going out in style! I saw the Dropkicks open for the fucking SEX PISTOLS! Johnny Rotten's autobio is named "No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs!"

  • Terry

    "Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler."

    As an Irish-American, I'd like to say that there really isn't anything Romney could say about the Irish that hasn't been said before. Seen it. Heard it. Succeeded despite it.

    • BadKitty904

      And had a tint of the oh-be-joyful afters, so we did!

  • calliecallie

    Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Romani Libel!

      (Yes, I know the reference.)

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    O'Bama?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Nah, after I vote, I'm for the Lake Isle of Innisfree….

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Yeah, and I bet Mitt don't know shit about no whiskey in the jar-o, musha ring dum a do dum a da.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    thousands of Norman bowman to put down the Celtic uprising

    The Miami Heat seem to have the answer to the Celtic uprising.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    But they've been drinking over the weekend. Odds are they'll still be hangover tomorrow.

    • Mittaplasia

      Hangovers occur when you STOP drinking.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, if the inhabitants of the Emerald Isle decide to have an uprising, like the folks in Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya, will we be calling it the Irish Spring?

    • Oblios_Cap

      We'll be trying for a clean break from the United Kingdom we will.

    • Mittaplasia

      Manly, yes; but I like it, too.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    "drunken, shirtless hand-to-hand combat" with interns. Fixed.

  • Gorillionaire

    With or without you, two hearts beat as one.

  • 216stitches

    We'll dance and sing and fight until the early morning light….

  • CalvinsChoice

    Whale oil beef hooked.

  • Poindexter718

    Laphroaig libel!

  • One_who_wanders

    Like a hangover has ever stopped an Irishman from doing what she/he wanted to do. . . .

  • sbj1964

    OK we'll take the niggers,and the chinks,but not the Irish.'No deal it's got to be everyone.' OK,even the Irish.

    • Gorillionaire

      Thank you Howard Johnson.

  • redarmyzombie

    Now, myself havin' a wee bit o' Irish ancestry, I'd like to take this moment to invite m' fellow Wonketeers for a wee bit of a dance this mornin'!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MciTmbMnk4

    Hell, let's make it two!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_k2GG-H_RU&fe

  • BadKitty904

    Well, hells, if we're going to get all Gaelic about it, I'm for raising the Highland clans and marching against the tyrant's minions…

    Now's the day, an now's the hour!
    See the front o' battle lour,
    See approach proud Mitten's power –
    Chains and slaverie!

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      The GOP leadership could have inspired Rabbie Burns': "Sich a parcel o' rogues in a nation."

    • HistoriCat

      Those minions will be running away as soon as they hear the bagpipes.

      • BadKitty904

        Hoots!

  • delaney_blom

    Does this mean I need to report to the nearest predominantly republican polling place with my ski mask, rosary beads, and a jug of potcheen?

  • Buzz Feedback

    My people invented the Lunch Drunk. Take THAT!

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    This video seems relevant. Irish, Scottish, what's the difference?

  • rickmaci

    Tiocfaidh ár lá !!

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      Go raibh maith agat! I was waiting for someone to say that.

  • Guppy

    If Romney promises to deport O'Reilly and Hannity, he's got my vote.

  • vulpes82

    Isn't Romney Welsh? A Welshman trying to come after the Irish; it is to laugh!

  • rickmaci

    Clinton. Have you looked at his travel schedule from the weekend and today? He has been campaigning in as many places each day as Obama or Romoney. He is fuk'n heroic I tell ya.

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Erin go bra-less. Hey, just a message to the interns….

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    well i say a pogues send off to mitt and egg:

    I could have been someone
    Well so could anyone
    You took my dreams from me
    When I first found you
    I kept them with me babe
    I put them with my own
    Can´t make it out alone
    I´ve built my dreams around you

    And the boys of the NYPD choir's still singing Galway Bay
    And the bells are ringing out
    For christmas day.

    now time for more ramones!

  • mustangsavvy

    Whoa. So you're saying that His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney could *actually* become a FOR REAL title?!?!?! This could be hilarious.

    His Hairness leads the charge against the Irish!!!

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    I saw that movie. Boy, I sure was surprised when the chick turned out to be a dude.

  • a_pink_poodle

    Heeey gabagool, how YOU doin'?

    I'm sorry I don't know Italian stereotypes. I actually had to have a Hispanic friend tell me all the different racial slurs when I first came to the US.

  • docterry6973

    The Irish? You mean we let THEM in??

  • ttommyunger

    ….but first, a blow job.

  • Ducksworthy

    Bring it on Mittens. The Irish are ready for you.