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They're not THAT kind of RepublicanSome people have made some pretty bold claims about the 2012 election and our present-day electorate — “most polarized in history,” blah blah blah — ignoring the fact that America did once have an actual civil war, with hundreds of thousands dead, because many simply did not care for an election outcome (and also slavery). It’s honestly like Americans don’t even know how to run a civil war anymore! That’s why former president Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish — in an attempt to unleash a wave of semtex bombings and assassinations by masked gunmen against any attempt to impose Romney rule!

The Troubles — a decades-long, low-level civil war in Northern Ireland — was one of several seemingly intractable problems that Bill Clinton solved during his presidency. This is public knowledge, but what’s less well known is that he did it by defeating the leaders of the various Northern Irish factions in drunken, shirtless hand-to-hand combat in a secret “fighting pit” in the basement of Stormont Castle. In doing so, he became the ritual commander of both the Protestant and Catholic clans of that region, and was able to use his charismatic power to order them to cease killing one another. In Irish beliefs, any man who disobeys Bill Clinton’s commands will be kidnapped to Faerie by leprechauns.

Now Clinton is ready to direct Irish AK-47s at a new target: Mitt Romney.

Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler.

Clinton explained that Chrysler had been sold to Italian car company Fiat who had actually turned the company around and restored it to profitability.

Clinton called Romney’s allegations about foreign influence absurd and stated it was an attempt to create some kind of ‘Deep dark conspiracy.’

It was then he used the line that the Irish could be next on Romney’s hit list.

Sources inside the Romney campaign indicate that the GOP candidate plans to unleash thousands of Norman bowman to put down the Celtic uprising and, if necessary, revive the headless body of Oliver Cromwell via dark Saxon magick. [IrishCentral]

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