ERIN GO BRAGH  9:20 am November 5, 2012

Bill Clinton To Unleash Irish Paramilitaries To Ensure Obama Victory

by Josh Fruhlinger

They're not THAT kind of RepublicanSome people have made some pretty bold claims about the 2012 election and our present-day electorate — “most polarized in history,” blah blah blah — ignoring the fact that America did once have an actual civil war, with hundreds of thousands dead, because many simply did not care for an election outcome (and also slavery). It’s honestly like Americans don’t even know how to run a civil war anymore! That’s why former president Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish — in an attempt to unleash a wave of semtex bombings and assassinations by masked gunmen against any attempt to impose Romney rule!

The Troubles — a decades-long, low-level civil war in Northern Ireland — was one of several seemingly intractable problems that Bill Clinton solved during his presidency. This is public knowledge, but what’s less well known is that he did it by defeating the leaders of the various Northern Irish factions in drunken, shirtless hand-to-hand combat in a secret “fighting pit” in the basement of Stormont Castle. In doing so, he became the ritual commander of both the Protestant and Catholic clans of that region, and was able to use his charismatic power to order them to cease killing one another. In Irish beliefs, any man who disobeys Bill Clinton’s commands will be kidnapped to Faerie by leprechauns.

Now Clinton is ready to direct Irish AK-47s at a new target: Mitt Romney.

Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler.

Clinton explained that Chrysler had been sold to Italian car company Fiat who had actually turned the company around and restored it to profitability.

Clinton called Romney’s allegations about foreign influence absurd and stated it was an attempt to create some kind of ‘Deep dark conspiracy.’

It was then he used the line that the Irish could be next on Romney’s hit list.

Sources inside the Romney campaign indicate that the GOP candidate plans to unleash thousands of Norman bowman to put down the Celtic uprising and, if necessary, revive the headless body of Oliver Cromwell via dark Saxon magick. [IrishCentral]

 
Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 110 comments }

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 9:25 am

Erin go bragh!

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 9:25 am

Erin go bragh-less in the swing states.

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 9:28 am

Erin is a redhead with amazing breasts and just Bill's type. By which I mean female.

memzilla November 5, 2012 at 9:32 am

That's why they call them "swing states," right?

GhostBuggy November 5, 2012 at 9:44 am

Free the Dublin Two!

Toomush_Infer November 5, 2012 at 9:44 am

Hell, Erin go braless…..

Toomush_Infer November 5, 2012 at 9:45 am

Oops, Barbara got there first and better….(stumbling away grumbling)….

Barbara_ November 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

Good morning, Too!

Terry November 5, 2012 at 10:35 am

… and to Mitt Romney, a hearty póg mo thóin

CrunchyKnee November 5, 2012 at 9:25 am

'Alternative Mittens'

Stiff Little Fingers libelz.

alteredimages November 5, 2012 at 11:52 am

Mittens gives me an Alternative Ulcer.

GuidanceRo_Man November 5, 2012 at 1:41 pm

I love that comment so much it is now pregnant with 8 robo-rape-babies.

SwanSwanH November 5, 2012 at 9:26 am

DNC: Freedom Fighters

Troubledog November 5, 2012 at 9:26 am

I fookin hate pikeys.

eggsacklywright November 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

Periwinkle caravans and all.

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 11:46 am

They're always throwing a dog into a bargain for no reason.

tihond November 5, 2012 at 9:26 am

Pretty sure the Pogues had a song predicting this.

Doktor Zoom November 5, 2012 at 9:39 am

Fifteen minutes later
We had our first taste of whiskey
There was uncles giving lectures
On ancient Irish history
The men all started telling jokes
And the women they got frisky
At five o'clock in the evening
Every bastard there was piskey

Fare thee well going away
There's nothing left to say
Farewell to New York City boys
To Boston and PA
He took them out
With a well-aimed clout
He was often heard to say
I'm a free born man of the USA

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Well that settles it Dok, You're my favorite person on the Wonkette.

alteredimages November 5, 2012 at 11:53 am

Thousands Are Sailing?

Loch_Nessosaur November 5, 2012 at 9:26 am

We're definitely a volatile and oppressed minority and IntenseDebate is also coming after us next.

ManchuCandidate November 5, 2012 at 9:26 am

Romboto won't hate the Irish… just the Black Irish.

njstore November 5, 2012 at 11:02 am

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.
I resemble that remark.
Not really. I look like my Scottish mother not my Irish father.
And f*ck Oliver Cromwell. A billion times.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 9:27 am

Oh it's worse than that; Bill Clinton has already had the Irish hordes training for years; they already spend one day each March taking over American cities by getting outrageously drunk on green beer, vomiting all over the place and starting fights in all the bars.

SwanSwanH November 5, 2012 at 9:33 am

"We've heard the jokes, so SAVE IT!"

Chow Yun Flat November 5, 2012 at 9:27 am

Of course Mitt hates the Irish, what with that guy O'Bama and all.

SwanSwanH November 5, 2012 at 9:27 am

26 + 6 = 270

Loch_Nessosaur November 5, 2012 at 9:28 am

So what's Peter King's opinion on this?

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

He always errs on the side of sending them weapons and money, just t be safe.

sbj1964 November 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

Bill Clinton,he is my favorite black President.Sorry Barry he was my first.

neiltheblaze November 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

Hey – whatever works.

Pragmatist2 November 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

I'd worry more that Mormon Mitt would be coming after our Irish whiskey.

eggsacklywright November 5, 2012 at 10:10 am

And Scotch will follow. The horror.

RufusTFirefly November 5, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Cold dead hands, etc.

CthuNHu November 5, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Ye can have me Lucky Charms when ye pry them oot of me sticky pudgy ginger-haired fingers.

deanbooth November 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

Romney has a plan? Yeah, right.

tihond November 5, 2012 at 9:35 am

He'll tell you about it after he's elected.

One_who_wanders November 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

To his second term, no need to rush.

viennawoods13 November 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Well, to be fair, don't all Cylons have a plan?

MacRaith November 5, 2012 at 9:29 am

Uh, right. I can really see South Boston rising up and revolting under Bill Clinton's leadership in the event of a Romney victory. Yeah, it's all perfectly obvious.

DemmeFatale November 5, 2012 at 9:44 am

But they will revolt if the Mittster goes there with Rudy "Yankee Fan" Giuliani!

Dr_Zoidberg November 5, 2012 at 9:30 am

Hey, I'm part-Irish! Where do I get my bombs and stuff?

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 9:37 am

According to the previous post's image, a little child could lead you there!

MacRaith November 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

Contact your local chapter of the Ancient Order of Hibernians. Tell them Bill sent you.

doloras November 5, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Dundalk.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 9:33 am

As a volatile Irish person, if this country elects Mitt Romney, I am all for SOME kind of civil uprising.

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 9:36 am

Even an uncivil one will do.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 10:15 am

Romney is a stupid cunt and he can pogue mahone.

ThundercatHo November 5, 2012 at 9:33 am

Tell me more about this shirtless, sweaty, fighting pit. Are Liam Neeson and Daniel Craig (hopefully) involved? Are there videos available? What about Old Handsome Joe? If there are some asses to be kicked I'm sure he'll be there. That's right, Paul Ryan, we're looking at you.

GhostBuggy November 5, 2012 at 9:47 am

Old Handsome Joe owns the castle.

Dr_Zoidberg November 5, 2012 at 10:01 am

Hmmmmm….I like where you're going with this, but could we have a tag-team, and get Hugh Jackman in there, shirtless and sweaty?

ThundercatHo November 5, 2012 at 10:19 am

Absolutely, and Patrick Stewart should be MC. I can hear it now . . . Oh, shit nevermind, I have lots to do today.

ThundercatHo November 5, 2012 at 10:21 am

Oh, we forgot about Dennis Leary, also, too.

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 9:34 am

Bill Clinton has committed himself to whipping up racial paranoia among America’s most volatile and oppressed minority group — the Irish

Are you looking at me?

We Irish- Americans feel the repression inherent in the system and, thus, must drink much more heavily than the other groups.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 9:51 am

Aren't you guys an autonomous collective?

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

We try, but are usually too drunk to be a cohesive force.

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 9:36 am

I will greet our drunken Irish liberators with flowers and cold mugs of Guinness.

thatsitfortheother1 November 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

Ehem, cool pints of Guinness.

rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 10:45 am

And Jameson chasers.

njstore November 5, 2012 at 11:21 am

I use a bottle of Guinness in my flank steak marinade.
It is a sacrilege but I flog myself by drinking a couple of pints as penitence.

Fairtackle November 5, 2012 at 9:37 am

A Romney drone strike on Celtic thunder? Hmm

calliecallie November 5, 2012 at 9:38 am

Paul Ryan already hinted at this plan when he said the war on women was about as serious as the war on left-handed Irishmen.

Me mum and I took particular note of his statement, as all four of her teenage grandsons are left-handed Irishmen.

njstore November 5, 2012 at 11:23 am

O'Bama is left-handed.

DemmeFatale November 5, 2012 at 9:42 am

Election. Almost. Over.
(Thank God.)

proudgrampa November 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

Hear, hear!

Estproph November 5, 2012 at 9:42 am

This calls for some Dropkick Murphys!

When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash them to the ground
Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down

When the boss comes callin' you'll be on your own
When the boss comes callin' will you stand alone?
When the boss comes callin' will you let them in?

When the boss comes callin' will you stand and fight?
When the boss comes callin' we must unite
When the boss comes callin' we can't let them win

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash 'em to the ground
Let em know

We gotta take the bastards down

We gotta take the bastards down

When the boss comes callin' they'll put us down
When the boss comes callin' gotta stand your ground
When the boss comes callin' don't believe their lies

When the boss comes callin' his take his toll
When the boss comes callin' don't you sell your soul
When the boss comes callin' we gotta organize

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash 'em to the ground
Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down

Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down
Let them know
We gotta smash 'em to the ground
Let em know
We gotta take the bastards down

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 9:44 am

Also, Dropkick style, "Kiss me, I'm shitfaced." See? I really AM Irish.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 10:18 am

And we my dear are going out in style! I saw the Dropkicks open for the fucking SEX PISTOLS! Johnny Rotten's autobio is named "No Irish, No Blacks, No Dogs!"

Terry November 5, 2012 at 9:44 am

"Bill Clinton has claimed that Republican Mitt Romney will ‘come after the Irish next’ after recent disparaging comments about Italians owning the car company Chrysler."

As an Irish-American, I'd like to say that there really isn't anything Romney could say about the Irish that hasn't been said before. Seen it. Heard it. Succeeded despite it.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 9:48 am

And had a tint of the oh-be-joyful afters, so we did!

calliecallie November 5, 2012 at 9:47 am

Do you not get it, lads? The Irish are the blacks of Europe. And Dubliners are the blacks of Ireland. And the Northside Dubliners are the blacks of Dublin. So say it once, say it loud: I'm black and I'm proud.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 9:49 am

Romani Libel!

(Yes, I know the reference.)

Monsieur_Grumpe November 5, 2012 at 9:49 am

O'Bama?

Toomush_Infer November 5, 2012 at 9:50 am

Nah, after I vote, I'm for the Lake Isle of Innisfree….

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 9:50 am

Yeah, and I bet Mitt don't know shit about no whiskey in the jar-o, musha ring dum a do dum a da.

Chow Yun Flat November 5, 2012 at 9:51 am

thousands of Norman bowman to put down the Celtic uprising

The Miami Heat seem to have the answer to the Celtic uprising.

ChillBill November 5, 2012 at 9:52 am

But they've been drinking over the weekend. Odds are they'll still be hangover tomorrow.

Mittaplasia November 5, 2012 at 11:09 am

Hangovers occur when you STOP drinking.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 9:56 am

So, if the inhabitants of the Emerald Isle decide to have an uprising, like the folks in Egypt, Tunisia, and Libya, will we be calling it the Irish Spring?

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 10:06 am

We'll be trying for a clean break from the United Kingdom we will.

Mittaplasia November 5, 2012 at 11:08 am

Manly, yes; but I like it, too.

Mittens Howell, III November 5, 2012 at 9:56 am

"drunken, shirtless hand-to-hand combat" with interns. Fixed.

Gorillionaire November 5, 2012 at 9:59 am

With or without you, two hearts beat as one.

216stitches November 5, 2012 at 10:02 am

We'll dance and sing and fight until the early morning light….

CalvinsChoice November 5, 2012 at 10:04 am

Whale oil beef hooked.

Poindexter718 November 5, 2012 at 10:05 am

Laphroaig libel!

One_who_wanders November 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

Like a hangover has ever stopped an Irishman from doing what she/he wanted to do. . . .

sbj1964 November 5, 2012 at 10:09 am

OK we'll take the niggers,and the chinks,but not the Irish.'No deal it's got to be everyone.' OK,even the Irish.

Gorillionaire November 5, 2012 at 10:45 am

Thank you Howard Johnson.

redarmyzombie November 5, 2012 at 10:16 am

Now, myself havin' a wee bit o' Irish ancestry, I'd like to take this moment to invite m' fellow Wonketeers for a wee bit of a dance this mornin'!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MciTmbMnk4

Hell, let's make it two!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_k2GG-H_RU&fe

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 10:19 am

Well, hells, if we're going to get all Gaelic about it, I'm for raising the Highland clans and marching against the tyrant's minions…

Now's the day, an now's the hour!
See the front o' battle lour,
See approach proud Mitten's power –
Chains and slaverie!

doloras November 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

The GOP leadership could have inspired Rabbie Burns': "Sich a parcel o' rogues in a nation."

HistoriCat November 5, 2012 at 2:47 pm

Those minions will be running away as soon as they hear the bagpipes.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Hoots!

delaney_blom November 5, 2012 at 10:27 am

Does this mean I need to report to the nearest predominantly republican polling place with my ski mask, rosary beads, and a jug of potcheen?

Buzz Feedback November 5, 2012 at 10:28 am

My people invented the Lunch Drunk. Take THAT!

BoatOfVelociraptors November 5, 2012 at 10:30 am

This video seems relevant. Irish, Scottish, what's the difference?

rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 10:41 am

Tiocfaidh ár lá !!

doloras November 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Go raibh maith agat! I was waiting for someone to say that.

Guppy November 5, 2012 at 10:48 am

If Romney promises to deport O'Reilly and Hannity, he's got my vote.

vulpes82 November 5, 2012 at 10:54 am

Isn't Romney Welsh? A Welshman trying to come after the Irish; it is to laugh!

rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 10:58 am

Clinton. Have you looked at his travel schedule from the weekend and today? He has been campaigning in as many places each day as Obama or Romoney. He is fuk'n heroic I tell ya.

boskolives November 5, 2012 at 11:03 am

Erin go bra-less. Hey, just a message to the interns….

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 11:37 am

well i say a pogues send off to mitt and egg:

I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can´t make it out alone
I´ve built my dreams around you

And the boys of the NYPD choir's still singing Galway Bay
And the bells are ringing out
For christmas day.

now time for more ramones!

mustangsavvy November 5, 2012 at 11:56 am

Whoa. So you're saying that His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney could *actually* become a FOR REAL title?!?!?! This could be hilarious.

His Hairness leads the charge against the Irish!!!

RufusTFirefly November 5, 2012 at 12:14 pm

I saw that movie. Boy, I sure was surprised when the chick turned out to be a dude.

a_pink_poodle November 5, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Heeey gabagool, how YOU doin'?

I'm sorry I don't know Italian stereotypes. I actually had to have a Hispanic friend tell me all the different racial slurs when I first came to the US.

docterry6973 November 6, 2012 at 3:14 am

The Irish? You mean we let THEM in??

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:32 am

….but first, a blow job.

Ducksworthy November 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Bring it on Mittens. The Irish are ready for you.

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: