hijinks

A Children’s Treasury of Wacky Swing State Voter ‘Irregularities’

seems legitGreetings Wonketeers, and welcome to the day before the day before the beginning of the next four years of our lives! Yes, as of Tuesday we can hopefully stop hearing about Mitt Romney and Bronco Bama, and move on to either sighing with relief or planning our move to Canada. But first, let us pause to drive ourselves into a frenzy as we worry about “voter irregularities” in swing states: True the Vote observers/volunteers, your Romney lying training sessions, your mail-in ballots that have been casually thrown away, billboards en espanol asking for voter IDs…we got it all right here. A tour of the elections process in the Greatest Country on Earth, after the fold!

Florida

Let’s start with Florida, where a bomb squad detonated a “suspicious package” at an early voting site over the weekend. Before that,  over 500 votes had disappeared from tallies in Broward County, mostly from African American neighborhoods, when someone “transposed numbers” like 1050 and 1150. This, of course, was after Governor Rick Scott had purged the voter rolls of people like this 91-year-old war hero. Other problems recently surfaced with the state’s handling of mail-in ballots, given that elections officials simply throw out ballots with any irregularities. Under a Florida law passed last year, election workers must compare the signature to the one they have on file for the voter registration, even if it has not been updated in decades, and there is no way of knowing if your ballot has been thrown out, and no way to re-cast your vote if it has. According to Reuters:

National law requires equipment at voting stations that informs voters of ballot issues and lets them fix them; fix-it opportunities are not mandated for mail-in ballots.

As a result, mail-in ballot voters who manage to get a ballot to election officials are about four times more likely to see their vote go uncounted as those who vote in person, Stewart calculates.

In Volusia County, over 150 ballots have been thrown out because the signature on the ballot did not match the one on the registration card.

Ohio

Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted kicked off the election home stretch by only extended voting hours in GOP strongholds, and then canceling them only after people pointed out this was somewhat unfair. Worried that voters would get “confused,” he then ignored a judge’s court order to instate early voting in all districts. Oh and Ohio Wonketteers, when you vote on Tuesday, be sure and say hi to the True the Vote volunteers who have been installed as election officials.

Wisconsin

Poll-watchers in Wisconsin will be sure to give you a hand with any questions you have on election day, now that they’ve been given the great gift of lying by Mitt Romney. Also in Wisconsin — as in Ohio — poor, minority neighborhoods have not only been been kindly informed that voter fraud is a felony but also invited to bring ID to the polls if they happen to feel like it.

North Carolina

This one comes courtesy a Wonketeer and volunteer observer who sent us the following email, which we are posting with his permission:

In the last two weeks I have been told by election judges –

I am not allowed to speak to voters beyond the neutral zone outside.

I am not allowed to leave my seat so I could observe when a voter has a problem. (two locations)

A Republican observer, after being ejected by the Judge for making numerous unfounded objections to slow the vote was reinstated on the same day at the same location by the BoE.

A Voting Machine Technician told two outside observers we would be under shariah law if the President was reelected.

Arizona

Arizona’s Maricopa County “listed the wrong [election] date in the Spanish version of voter registration cards, a development likely to further complicate tense relations between local authorities and Latino residents,” according to CNN. Given that Maricopa County is home to this shitbag, we’d say that the relationship between local authorities and Latino residents is already in the toilet, but that’s just our opinion. In case you didn’t get the wrong date on your Spanish language ballot, GOP robocalls helpfully gave the wrong polling places and times to Democratic households.

Virginia

In Virginia, voter registration forms were found in a recycling bin on a few occasions, leading to a voter fraud case that has expanded to include Strategic Allied Consulting, a contractor for the Republican Party of Virginia.

In Conclusion:

Be careful out there, Floridians and Spanishes and poll watchers! And send your election hijinks tips to tips@wonkette.com!

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson

Comments

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  • AlterNewt

    So, everything's going pretty much according to plan.

  • Come here a minute

    I'm not worried about all the shenanigans on Tuesday — the phone call I got told me votes for Barack Obama must be cast on Wednesday! What a relief!

  • Shypixel

    If the Good Lord wanted a democrat in office, he would have programmed the voting machines that way…

    • NellCote71

      And He would have made the Koch brothers Democrats.

  • MLite

    On the plus side in Virginia, this was the first time any of these Republican consultants had recycled anything.

    • Negropolis

      WIN

  • Crank_Tango

    Ugh. I'm gonna go back to work–someone wake me when this gets handed off to the supreme court on wednesday, mmkay?

    • NellCote71

      Now I can really rest easy, knowing it's in the Supremes' hands.

  • BlueStateLibel

    This would be a good time to use Bill Clinton's IRA's knee-capping services on these crooks…knee-capping with votes I mean.

  • Hammiepants

    I can't even make jokes about this. People DIED for us to have the right to vote, and to disenfranchise people is a subversion of one of our most fundamental rights. These cowardly goatblowing assclowns. I can't even…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Hush, hush, it'll be OK. (Pats Hammiepants gently) Really it will. Anonymous is watching, Obama's got 600 lawyers in OH alone. There will be a reckoning, probably not as sanguine as some of us would like, but it will happen.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Obama's got 600 lawyers in OH alone

        He's got a Strategic Voter Reserve????

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Shh. Don't tell anyone.

        • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

          How's his Guns and Money status?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You OK? Didn't suffer from the storm?

      • BadKitty904

        "600 lawyers" with fully armed black helicopters, I hope…

        • SigDeFlyinMonky

          …guns and money!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Another Warren Zevon fan, I see.

      • NellCote71

        "…not as sanguine as some of us would like." Sanguine with votes, of course.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Of course. (looks around for BeccaLou)

      • Isyaignert

        Oh MittBorg, you always know the right thing to say!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Hugs you) We gotta help each other over the humps, sweetie.

      • finallyhappy

        Many, many in VA too. A friend of mine is a lawyer in Maryland and is being deployed with many other MD and DC lawyers to VA polls to stop any GOP shit

        • HELisforHEL

          This makes me feel a bit less stabby. I was just about to go out and randomly beat up the first republican I encountered. With votes, of course.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Now, now. There's only so many munniez to bail alla yez out. Keep palms pressed to thighs and don't make eye contact with no Republicans till Wednesday.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Thanks, fh! I have faith in my Prez. He plays the long game. He is ALWAYS prepared!

      • HempDogbane

        And in Minnesota those 1000 felons who gave the Senate election to Franken are standing by. Wherever I look on the internet commenters tell about this so it must be true.

      • http://yunoletmehavecoolwebnameblogspot.blogspot.com/ Jennyjen798

        Sadly, I put more faith in Anonymous and Occupy than any lawyer or politician. The rules just don't apply to the powerful. I almost want to watch it all burn.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Anonymous is watching, too. I love those folks. They work SO hard to police the Darknet.

    • Limeylizzie

      How much do I love you for the elegant phrase "Goatblowing Assclowns"? A fucking lot, my friend.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And also please remember assblowing goatclowns have been try to rig elections (with varying levels of success) since we started having elections.

      And yes, both sides have done it. It's only recently (2000, and by extension, 2004) that the results have been truly catastrophic.

    • An Asexual Ungulate

      It makes me red in the face pissed off too. They go on and on about wanting to avoid voter fraud, and how it's so important to have an unimpeachable election, then in the same breath put in place plans to throw out legitimate votes (or prevent them from being cast) because it'll help their guy.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yes I know…that's how I feel. It also pisses me off to no end when I hear asshats babble about how the changes in the laws have rendered unions obsolete because of all the 'perks' workers get. It's as if the mortal perils people went through to organize so they could demand such basic 'perks' was something as distant as "The Oddysey" or something…fucking moronic, Reagan-education addled shitbrains.

  • coolhandnuke

    Be careful out there…perp Romney will be hit with a case of the Hill Street Blues tomorrow.

  • Estproph

    I wonder when they are simply going to make it illegal to vote for a Democrat.

    • BadKitty904

      They're obviously working on it…

    • elviouslyqueer

      It might as well be here in Mississippi.

    • horsedreamer_1

      The GOP wants to be the new old PRI.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    I'm in Fairfax City, where the Mittroid 2000 is giving a speech in 45 minutes. The traffic is shocking, because there is none. No one wants to hear a vulture capitalist go "Caw, Caw." I haz a happy.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      YAY! Thank you!

    • MissTaken

      Beautiful!

    • walterhwhite

      the Mittroid 2000. Excellent!

    • BoroPrimorac

      I was going to downtown Miami last week, right before Michelle Obama's speech and I had to get the fuck out of there because the traffic was insane.

  • http://lookatthisfuckingcentrist.wordpress.com Both Sides Do It

    The Ohio Secretary of State also instructed election officials to not assist people in filling out the identification section of the ballot, so that if voters didn't notice it or made mistakes their ballots could be challenged.

    Did Wonkette cover that already? Who the fuck can keep up. It's like trying to follow a single slime trial in a slug orgy, keeping track of all this voting harassment garbage.

    • HELisforHEL

      'Slug Orgy' is a perfectly apt description of the Republican headquarters around these parts. Nice.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Just checking before I book my moving service:
    They sell box wine in Canada, right? How about cakes we liked?

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      the very best cedar cheese also too.

      (seriously, i am a sucker for black diamond)

      • PugglesRule

        Cedar cheese? They make cheese out of cedars?

        If there are no Little Debbies, I'll tough it out here.

        • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

          It is a cherished meme from a some-time-ago wonkette post that was among the things I liked!

          • nonbeliever7

            Ya know, one of the bored Wonkette editoreses should write a "Memes from my Wonkette" book. I only vaguely remember some of them so I'd pay good mormon money to relive all the oldies from butterstick to T.

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            one of the bored Wonkette editoreses should write a "Memes from my Wonkette" book

            Your wish is
            my
            Extempranus's
            Ken Layne's command!
            (courtesy of ex-editor Layne, via veteran commenter Extemporanus)

            EDIT: Apologies, it is mere pics to get the fuck off on — and alas there is neither Butterstick nor "WOLVERINES!!" nor Aqua Buddha nor "Bye, Fat Tits!" traffic violators among them.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            And those cakes we like.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Now *that* is a cheese that bites back! Sharpest cheddar I ever bit into.

    • VodkaGoGo

      Fuck Canada too. The way the rest of the world is going, I'm moving to the island of Myselfia. Pending verification of Pee points, all Wonkerdoos are welcome but I get to be the Governor. Also, it's BYOB.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Why aren't there democracies in any place warm? It's like it only comes about in countries where everyone's holed up for the winter and has to come up with a way not to murder each other just out of boredom.

      • DCBloom

        There's always Cali….

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Then the good news is – – democracy is set to thrive in Virginia this year! We're due for one of the coldest winters ever. Thanks Wookies — now I can relax.

    • Isyaignert

      Yes they have boxed wine and B.C. bud is among the best in the world!

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Fuckit. I'm packing.

        • njstore

          No, no, no. Humboldt has the best.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Hmm. I really need to start hangin' out with YOU, girl.

    • viennawoods13

      I keep telling you!! Stephen Harper the Prime Minister is a douche of the highest degree!!

  • prommie

    Till now we have had the opinion poll truthers, bravely denying the validity of any polling data that goes against their imagined version of reality, and starting tomorrow we will have to start hearing from the election truthers, who will spend the next 4 years denying the validity of election results that go against their own strongly held personal opinions on reality. GOP fucktardery is without limits. And a short-fingered vulgarian shall lead them all.

  • FakaktaSouth

    Jimmy Carter can't be EVERYwhere. We need some democracy experts from the Sudan or some other much-better-at-supervising-their-votes country to come monitor this shit. I am flipping out, I gotta admit. I has a scared of this country.

    • prommie

      I am with you, wherever we might have to flee to.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I guess British Columbia is too obvious?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          Is that the place wear you talk in a funny accent but have really good cocaine?

          • FakaktaSouth

            Yes, pinkies out whilst utilizing that coke spoon, this is a classy place.

            (Also, pot farms in every basement. I have seen it on the netflix streaming!)

          • prommie

            Vaaaaaancouver is the place for me,

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Have the mounties bean aboot?!

    • Boojum

      I'm starting to think that we may need some of those Second Amendment votes.

    • BoroPrimorac

      Don't worry, we're only a few decades away from becoming El Salvador.

  • mille derps

    In SC, the GOP is seeing unintended consequences of voter discouragement. Usually, they want low voter turn-out, but with so many offices requiring write-in votes, the GOP leadership is not only trying to increase turn-out, but they're also trying to remind voters not to push the button that allows you to just vote a straight party ticket. Haha! http://www.thestate.com/2012/11/05/2508559/sc-abs

  • memzilla

    Sorry, pal, we're going to need to see some ID before we can allow any further commenting on this post.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      This comment was self-deported

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And that means PHOTO ID, not your Ralph's Super Saver card.

  • Lucidamente1

    Early voting in Florida has a serious case of the blahs.

    • BadKitty904

      Despite concerted GOP efforts to "cure" that ailment…

    • bikerlaureate

      Historic – Dem early voting numbers in FL. Whoo hoo.

  • widestanceromance

    These 'irregularities' are nothing compared to the Republicans, who, after tomorrow, will have their intestines in knots for months and years to come.

    • BadKitty904

      Please GOD…

    • HELisforHEL

      Please god indeed.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    All the Kochs' money
    And all of Rove's lies
    Won't win the election
    For those we despise.

    • Oblios_Cap

      Nicely done.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Aw, Wooks! I just lerve your doggerel.

    • memzilla

      Burma Shave.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You iz now officially Tweeted.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Sent it to one of my girls.
      Should be on facebook shortly.
      Thanks, Wooks!

  • ph7

    A Voting Machine Technician told two outside observers we would be under shariah law if the President was reelected.

    That's why voting booths have veils.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Ohio Wonketteers, when you vote on Tuesday, be sure and say hi to the True the Vote volunteers"

    Then kick them really hard in the groin area.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Holy shit, they can actually do that with votes too, like in their hand. Kick em with votes. HARD.

      • kittensdontlie

        Those who lean hard to the right, are risking spinal injury, and I will volunteer to True them straight up with a boot ballot.

        • Mittaplasia

          And be sure to tap, er, REBOOT twice!

    • cousinitt

      Christ on a cracker, sorry, Baldar, I posted the same heartfelt sentiment a few dozen posts ahead. You got to the groin before me. But, can I kick them a second time, just because?

      • Isyaignert

        Go for it and kick 'em once for me.

    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I might just lose it if I run into one those idiots.

      • Isyaignert

        We would all be very understanding here in Wonketteville. I suffer from severe Republicon Tourettes whenever one of those fukwits opens their yap.

  • hagajim

    In Oregon, which isn't really a swing state (thank God!) a fine elections worker in one of the biggest counties in the state was caught opening mail-in ballots and if no candidate was chosen for an office she just stone-cold marked the Republican….awesome, Democracy YAY!

    • tracyhasfun

      WAT

    • Zango Crudmonger

      GAH! At least she was caught. This older article describes her filling in blanks for the R's. Perhaps a Mormon, lying for the lord? It would be irresponsible not to speculate. http://www.kmvt.com/news/regional/177292541.html

      • horsedreamer_1

        Portland is Tramp* City, after all.

        *Trampoline.

    • Isyaignert

      Whooooooaaa Nellie! That is so fukked-up. I live in Washington state and we have 100% mail-in ballots like Oregon. I always thought it was a pretty fool-proof system, especially since we volunteer at the county elections center watching people verify and count ballots. These Republicons are such crusty whores.

    • Negropolis

      So, is this that "voter fraud" they are always screaming about?

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Republicans putting ballots in the recycling bin?

    You crazy environmentalists!

  • Antispandex

    If someone as wealthy as Romney can't steal… I mean buy…I mean win, this election, I have lost all faith in or capitolist system.

    • UW8316154

      I (will) blame the Buddhists.

    • BadKitty904

      That would require him to spend his *own* money…

  • Goonemeritus

    "Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted kicked off the election home stretch by only extended voting hours in GOP strongholds. "

    Well you try to herd a bunch of 400 lbs. voters into and out of a voters both that was designed before the invention of the Hoverround.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      *wipes a tear*

      Keep up this snark level and maybe I will survive this election nightmare~

  • UnholyMoses

    And this, ladies and gents, is why, when I'm done with voting tomorrow a.m., my daily schedule involves nothing but going to work, coming home, having some dinner, and playing some drums for the rest of the evening.

    Besides, I get the feeling it will take WEEKS to sort all the shit out after the GOP is done skullfucking the election in every way possible.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I'd like to kick John Husted in the votes, with nuts!

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. Lying robocalls PFFFTTTTTTTTTTT.

    "….the largest case of campaign money laundering in state history."

    To CA., via AZ.
    http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    I DO NOT look forward to four years of conspiracy theories on how Libtards stole the election.

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …get ready for "ACORN 2.0"!

      • SorosBot

        AKA "How dare they let black people vote!"

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      I do, because that will mean we won.

      • bikerlaureate

        Yup. Let 'em bring it.
        Some of the "swing" voters will realize just how little respect the GOP has for the electoral process…

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      better than the alternative.

    • Boojum

      It's better than the alternative.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Fuck it, I'd rather that than any of these conspiracy wanking assholes be in charge of anything. Keep those people busy doing ANY thing other than making what they call policy.

    • Mittaplasia

      I relish it; we'll see spontaneous combustion of teajadists in unprecedented numbers. What's not to like?

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Kris: You forgot to mention that California voters in inland counties have had their registrations flipped from Independent/Democrat to Republican. In *good* news, Chris Christie ordered that voting begin over this weekend due to problems caused by Sandy.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Hopefully, since it's not a primary, registration won't matter and will give the Rethugs some false confidence.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        True. It's not the damage I'm objecting to, since there isn't any yet, but the blatant shameless ratfuckery of it all. They bamboozled people into giving them all kinds of information under the impression that they were applying for jobs or benefits. This kind of shit has got to stop!

  • http://whateveritisimagainstit.blogspot.com trampndirtdown

    They're trying it in Seattle also too. http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/11

  • memzilla

    I look at that map and think, "Kang and Kodos could fix that in a second."

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    It sure is "funny" that all these "errors" and "honest mistakes" all seem to be made in the same direction every time, isn't it?

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      Democracy has an inherent liberal bias — they're just trying to unskew it.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        Unskew the polling places!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          You forgot the "r." Oh, and it doesn't need the "un," either.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    This one comes courtesy a Wonketeer and volunteer observer

    If (s)he wasn't a useless idiot Wonketeer, (s)he'd be paid for watching.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      "I like to watch." Chauncey Gardener.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      That's *useFUL idiot,* fuckyewveddymuch.

      Wut? I can't just let him cold insult us all, can I?

  • widestanceromance

    I fear for Seamus tomorrow and hope he gets the chance to bolt in by then. Maybe he can hop a car elevator and find solace with Rafalca.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Paul Ryan just put up his new Linkedin page, so he's all set for Wednesday.

    Best to be prepared, because people don't plan to fail, they have plans that fail.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Dear Tips@Wonkette.com:
    I never thought this would happen to me, but when I went to early vote at my exurban/rural South Central Texas polling place (an actual library, who'da thunk it?) last Friday, I was surprised to see a brown person waiting in line to vote. Fortunately, the True the Vote folks were on full alert, and escorted the brown person out of the library, handed him a weed-eater, and told him, "That greenspace isn't going to trim itself, Pancho." Whew! Close one!

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      What the hell does a Texas library look like? I'm assuming it's a buncha guns, picture books of guns, and every swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Lotsa Large Print editions, too.
        Actually, it's pretty nice, and they have a stealth progressive somewhere on the acquisition board so that there are actually some books that have a liberal slant (but not as many as by Glenn Beck, Coulter, etc).

    • unclejeems

      There used to be a library at A & M until someone checked out the book.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Yowza! You ok, unclejeems? Not hurt by Sandy, I hope.

  • mille derps

    Was it made from a feather belonging to a weeping eagle?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …geez, will there be one election where the state of Florida won't be on the front page of a newspaper for f$kking it up?!

    • BadKitty904

      Hey, the southern half of our state is within the western boundaries of the Bermuda Triangle. No wonder stuff keeps disappearing…

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …that theory would explain why everyone down here drives like sh!t(myself included)

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Jesus, tell me where you are so I'll know the areas to avoid.

          Oh, yeah, Florida, home to nutbags like Carl Hiaasen describes. Right. (crosses FL off list of potential destinations)

    • HELisforHEL

      No.

    • bikerlaureate

      There's hours yet for the Sunshine State to do what they do worst.

      / 321 Obot-canvasser

  • CommieLibunatic

    I just wish I found this earlier in the month. VOTE OR DIE MOTHERFUCKERS

  • Botlrokit

    How, exactly, does a "recount" work with electronic voting machines?

    This is an earnest question.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      The number you get is the number you get. Recounting it just gives you the same number, unless the nice Registrar lady opens the unsecured Access database and puts in the numbers she wants to see, and then you get that number.

      And that's an earnest answer, though flippant. In Europe, their voting machines print out receipts with each vote, so they can be counted, but the very same companies that make those say it's impossible to do the same thing here.

    • PugglesRule

      I don't know either, but definitely do not ask the (soon to be former) county clerk in Waukesha County, Wisconsin, Kathy Nickolaus.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "elections officials simply throw out ballots with any irregularities."

    Would those irregularities include "all ballots which were cast for (D) candidates," by any chance?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I am not allowed to speak to voters beyond the neutral zone outside.

    See, that's fair, because then the Klingons could file a protest in The Hague.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Either that, or some guy in a black-and-white-striped shirt would throw a yellow flag and cite you for a neutral-zone infraction. Five yards, replay the down.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I saw that episode. Lou Antonio played the guy in the black-and-white striped shirt and Frank Gorshin played the guy in the white-and-black striped shirt.

    • cousinitt

      BTW, ever notice how the Ferengi and the GOP have a lot in common? Forget Kolob, Romney could be the Grand Nagus of Ferenginar.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Especially the way they treat the females of the species, eh?

        Although, as Biff sez, Mormonism considers women to be cum-dumpsters. (Ew)

  • notanncoulter

    vote early and often.

    • TavariousChinaSmith

      Don't vote: it only encourages them.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    Buncha Massholes just interviewed on one of the teev channels just called him a Michigander, so I'm guessing nobody wants to claim him.

    Success has a thousand fathers, Mitt. Failure is an orphan.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Success has a thousand fathers, Mitt. Failure is an orphan.

      *golf clap*
      Stealing this, also.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Heh. (hugs you) Take this, brother. May it serve you well.

  • SorosBot

    But it's important that we keep having 51 different electoral systems controlled by quite possibly corrupt local authorities, rather than uniform nationwide rules designed to insure that everyone can vote and all votes can be counted, because state's rights!

  • Oblios_Cap

    the Rs are trying to get 3 Supreme Court justices in FL recalled so they can pack the court and basically outlaw Dems in the state.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    HaHA those fuckers stealing the election are going to shit themselves when they see the flag of Kolob flying on top of the White House.

    • Botlrokit

      I'd like to see what Kolob looks like. It ain't on any of my star atlases.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I b'leev Neil DeGrasse Tyson just discovered it.

        Oh, no, that was Superman's home planet. Never mind.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ChillBill

    In retaliation for having to put up with my Republican in-laws over the weekend, I decided to troll the Breitard comments section. Everytime they mentioned anything about prayers/Jeebus, etc, I pointed out that God wants Barry to be reelected, and that only God could prove me wrong. It worked like a charm.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You're *delightfully* cruel. (contemplates sobbing rightrads) Delightfully.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Boetchin'!!!

    Will the Ohio freedom lovers from True the Vote be using flame throwers to disinfect the ballots for D'Rat districts? Can't be too careful or those minority cooties will reach-up and bite ya.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    we here in chicago will have the cleanest elections in the country.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Haha! By the way, have you seen the Joe Walsh TV spots with his son telling everyone to leave his Deadbeat Dad alone, and the pictures of the rest of the family? I don't think he specifically denies being a Deadbeat, though.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, hopefully the ad will work, and the voters will leave Joe alone. With votes.

      • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

        i did see them and had the same thought.

        and son's probably going to grow up the same way.

        • SorosBot

          So when Joe's long since retired, his son's moved away
          He'll call him up just another day
          Joe'll say, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
          He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
          You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
          But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
          It's been sure nice talking to you"

          And as Joe hand up the phone it'll occurred to he;
          "He'd grown up just like me
          My boy was just like me"

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That song is like a knife in the heart to me.

    • rocktonsam

      "just buy enough votes in win, I'm not paying for a landslide!"

  • cousinitt

    The correct greeting to a True the Vote person is a knee to the groin, right?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Usually. If you're *exceptionally* short, though, a quick punch in the nuts is perfectly acceptable.

  • Mittaplasia

    This article is getting us fired up for the Wonkette brand of tranks, booze and other assorted mind alterants available soon – keep checking the store for new arrivals!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      *hic*

      haec

      hoc

  • MissTaken

    What about the Lizard People? I miss them.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'm just *resting.*

      Besides, you're TAKEN.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I don't care who wins, I just want one of those sweet "I Voted" stickers.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I went for the purple dye, instead.

  • luke_warm

    http://news.yahoo.com/voting-already-mess-florida
    Extraordinarily long lines in Broward County- election officials say to vote instead with those easy to throw out absentee ballots.

  • christianmuslin

    By 2020 we will have armed troops at all polling places just like the other developing countries that are instable. The difference will be here it's the voters not public officials that are corrupt. It sounds good anyway!

  • Guppy

    Greetings Wonketeers, and welcome to the day before the day before the beginning of the next four years of our lives!

    Bullshit. I live close enough to my state's capital that I'm already planning to go watch the Great Randian-Teabag-Truther Apoplexy on the steps of the state house come December 17.

  • http://www.wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    As a public service, I provide the following guide to making sure that your vote is not suppressed in any way:

    1) Be white.

    2) Be middle to upper class. Sure you may be white, but if you are a student, poor, or just not the "right type" of person, Republican election judges will have to inspect your vote to make sure it was properly done. Being from the suburbs will prevent many of these problems.

    3) Don't argue with the machine. If the voting machine keeps flashing Romney, isn't that really who you meant to vote for? Come on, be honest, who are you to question a computer? Nate Silver?

    4) Vote a straight Republican line. This is just a courtesy, as it makes it easier for the Republican election workers to clear your ballot. If you get cute and vote for someone other than a Republican, it will take them more time to process and lose your ballot.

    5) Vote drunk. It will ease the pain.

  • vulpes82

    OT, but the map reminds me that it continues to amuse me how Republicans have become the reds, just like the GODLESS SOVIETS and the HEATHEN CHINEE communists! Eisenhower is rolling in his grave (though he's been rolling in that sucker for about fifty years).

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Steve Schmidt is just a million laughs these days! http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/11

    • cousinitt

      If the GOP ran people for office like Huntsman or even Schmidt himself or Michael Steele, they would stand a very good chance of becoming a majority party. All they have to do is know how to talk like a normal human, acknowledge reality, and talk soberly, they could clean up.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        It has nothing to do with their actual policy positions? Mitt has demonstrated the fail of that (we hope).

        • cousinitt

          Not so much. If Romney didn't claim at one time or another to hold the universe of all possible policy positions and got caught saying 47%, this election might be closer. And as we know, whites aren't voting for Obama in record numbers despite Romney also being a very accomplished dickweed.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but Sarah Palin has finally weighed in and endorsed Romney. NOW we are well and truly fucked. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/05/sarah-pa

    • YasserArraFeck

      She's finally given up hope for that last minute out-of-nowhere nomination by acclaim that she was sure was coming

      • viennawoods13

        I firmly believe that she expected to be the winning write-in candidate.

  • VaWyo

    I was feeling slightly better about the election over the weekend and this has ruined my optimism. My father, who is in his mid-70's and lives in VA, is insane with rage over all the birth control, rape and abortion nonsense from the republicans. He's always been pro-choice but occasionally votes for republicans, including Bush. The far right wingnut tea baggers have pushed him firmly back to the left.

    I will be spending election day working in my polling place. Being an observer isn't enough for me. I want to be on hand to see the irregularities and do something about them!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      good on ya, VaWyo! Thank you for doing what you do!

  • snowpointsecret

    The little girl in the video is the personification of the entire state of Ohio right now. IT JUST WON'T END.

    Is it Tuesday yet?

  • VeraSevera

    Up next… Gleichschaltung …

  • DustyBowlBlues

    Crap. I'm slammed with making a baker's dozen of pies–more, actually, for a church dinner for a church–my UMC–where Jesus' words aren't ignored. Blowing off Jesus works better for membership, so we need the cash.

    Now I read this shit and wonder what the fuck can any Democrat do against this kind of cheating at the polls. I hate Republicans. Now, back to pie crust.

    When I finally get home from this church dinner tomorrow evening, I hope ATT's tubes (note to CEO: the intertubes you use really need expanding–are adequate over my mobile device to I can be with the wonkeratti for the happy evening or the apocalypse.

    • Isyaignert

      "The Internet is a series of tubes not trucks." – Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaskahole)

    • finallyhappy

      I remember now about your famous pies! I have already purchased supplies for the Obama re election celebration but pie sounds good!

  • HarryButtle

    Hey, that's "SHERIFF Shitbag," to you, libtard.

    Hopefully we'll actually rid ourselves of this anal wart tomorrow.

  • el_donaldo

    OT – I miss this place. {wipes tear.} I miss you guys. I'll be back as soon as I can get some free time and some regular internet.

    I'll be thinking about you all tomorrow night as I'm trying to get election updates on my phone with no TV or wifi in the house. Unfortunately Intense Debate takes way too long to load on my iPhone. Fuck that storm.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Do what?? Good luck, wherever you live & are getting by. Fuck that storm, indeed.

    • HELisforHEL

      I hear you. Fucking storm. Best of luck, I hope things get better ASAP.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (Hugs you) Wut happened, sweetie? Sandy destroy you? Come tell me about it and let me give you a hug. Geeze, how many of our Wonketteers have been suffering through this?

  • VodkaGoGo

    All my comments are belong to moderation now?

    Edit: guess not. I wonder what I said to make the Editrix hate me so? Was it Pee?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It's not Editrix. It's ID. Random glitches seem to send people off to a blacklist. I got "modded" a few times till I screamed for BeccaLou, who will fix it right away if you scream for her too.

      • VodkaGoGo

        Yeah, my original comment popped up about 7 hours after I posted it. I wonder if ID gets shitty if I post on my laptop and iPhone at pretty much the same time. I posted from my phone while I was out for a smoke, but that sounds like a stupid reason for ID to fuck up. I dunno.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Politico, the even stealthier version of FOX, has declared that Bronco will have no mandate because white folks didn't vote for him, even if he gets a majority of all voters:
    http://immasmartypants.blogspot.com/2012/11/polit

    • cousinitt

      W claimed to have a man date after 2004 in the same way Dick Cheney claimed to be an expert shooter. Not a problem for O. No? OK, well maybe all he has to do is hold up a puppy during inauguration and threaten to go kinsu on the wimpering pup.

    • finallyhappy

      Well, I guess my family are highly educated urban whites- so I guess we don't count as real white people- plus we are Jewish -I know lots of white people who voted for Obama- but now I understand we are not real whities

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I thought you knew that, hon. Any white person (of a certain persuasion) will be happy to tell you Teh Jooz are not white. Someone came to my house once, got drunk on my wine and stoned on my weed, and told my Jewish boyfriend that (along with a shitload of other things I won't repeat). I booted him out of my house for good, but regretted the waste of good drugs.

    • mayor_quimby

      I said to myself after watching that video of the girl crying over NPR 'if only he was named Bronco Bama, this election wouldn't even be close'
      Bronco Bama would have virgin daughters offered up by their fathers at every rally.

  • chascates

    Ditch the electoral college, establish one national database of voters and voting standards, allow voting over a period of several days, and get rid of this bullshit that money is free speech and corporatons/organizations are are entitled to spend more than $100 or so toward campaigns.
    This year's election is estimated to have cost six billion dollars, half of that going for media buys.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Good grief! What's your argument for ditching the electoral college, though? I believe the Founding Fathers instituted that shit just to avoid populism, although I could be wrong.

  • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    This vote has ben deleted by the [identity of organization withheld].

  • An_Outhouse

    and then there's this from early voting reports in Florida:
    long lines, hours to wait , an then –
    "Adding insult to injury, about 180 people’s cars were towed from the parking lot across the street, the Miami Herald reported. "
    http://www.truthdig.com/eartotheground/item/early

  • poorgradstudent

    Ugh, I have to spend most of the day in an archive in Chicago, so I can't even be drunk all day tomorrow :(

    • mayor_quimby

      Cme on, we believe in you! You can at least be buzzed. Don't be a quitter!

  • spends2much

    Voting machines freak me out. Only in theory, since I've never seen one. We humble Canucks use paper and pencil, and fill in the circle any way our heart desires. They call the election before my Diet Coke buzz wears off.
    Although I'm sure King Steve will want to eff with that soon enough.

    And now to pace nervously for a few days…

    • viennawoods13

      Yeah, Stevie had his fun with robocalls in the last election. We do have it easy, though; we just have one name to choose, for our MP. None of this Representative, maybe senator, maybe Governor, dogcatcher, oh and yes, the president. The simple Canadian mind boggles at the complexity.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (Hugs you)

      I'm doing an awful lot of hugging today, but I just want you to know I'll be holding your hand till midnight tomorrow. After that, all bets are off.

  • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras
  • rickmaci

    Love the map. Why don't they just paint the whole fukn thing red and call it 538-0 Romoney and stop messing with half ass fantasy? You need to go totally bat shit out of your freak'n mind looney if you want anyone to listen.

  • mustangsavvy

    So much effort to steal an election. It's *almost* as if the Republicans think they *might* lose. Heaven forbid.

  • tigernole

    I can't wait for the riots to begin, welcome anarchy!!!!

  • ttommyunger

    Going to be difficult to steal a landslide. Not impossible, but difficult, and God knows they'll try their best.