HIJINKS  1:56 pm November 5, 2012

A Children’s Treasury of Wacky Swing State Voter ‘Irregularities’

by Kris E. Benson

seems legitGreetings Wonketeers, and welcome to the day before the day before the beginning of the next four years of our lives! Yes, as of Tuesday we can hopefully stop hearing about Mitt Romney and Bronco Bama, and move on to either sighing with relief or planning our move to Canada. But first, let us pause to drive ourselves into a frenzy as we worry about “voter irregularities” in swing states: True the Vote observers/volunteers, your Romney lying training sessions, your mail-in ballots that have been casually thrown away, billboards en espanol asking for voter IDs…we got it all right here. A tour of the elections process in the Greatest Country on Earth, after the fold!

Florida

Let’s start with Florida, where a bomb squad detonated a “suspicious package” at an early voting site over the weekend. Before that,  over 500 votes had disappeared from tallies in Broward County, mostly from African American neighborhoods, when someone “transposed numbers” like 1050 and 1150. This, of course, was after Governor Rick Scott had purged the voter rolls of people like this 91-year-old war hero. Other problems recently surfaced with the state’s handling of mail-in ballots, given that elections officials simply throw out ballots with any irregularities. Under a Florida law passed last year, election workers must compare the signature to the one they have on file for the voter registration, even if it has not been updated in decades, and there is no way of knowing if your ballot has been thrown out, and no way to re-cast your vote if it has. According to Reuters:

National law requires equipment at voting stations that informs voters of ballot issues and lets them fix them; fix-it opportunities are not mandated for mail-in ballots.

As a result, mail-in ballot voters who manage to get a ballot to election officials are about four times more likely to see their vote go uncounted as those who vote in person, Stewart calculates.

In Volusia County, over 150 ballots have been thrown out because the signature on the ballot did not match the one on the registration card.

Ohio

Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted kicked off the election home stretch by only extended voting hours in GOP strongholds, and then canceling them only after people pointed out this was somewhat unfair. Worried that voters would get “confused,” he then ignored a judge’s court order to instate early voting in all districts. Oh and Ohio Wonketteers, when you vote on Tuesday, be sure and say hi to the True the Vote volunteers who have been installed as election officials.

Wisconsin

Poll-watchers in Wisconsin will be sure to give you a hand with any questions you have on election day, now that they’ve been given the great gift of lying by Mitt Romney. Also in Wisconsin — as in Ohio — poor, minority neighborhoods have not only been been kindly informed that voter fraud is a felony but also invited to bring ID to the polls if they happen to feel like it.

North Carolina

This one comes courtesy a Wonketeer and volunteer observer who sent us the following email, which we are posting with his permission:

In the last two weeks I have been told by election judges -

I am not allowed to speak to voters beyond the neutral zone outside.

I am not allowed to leave my seat so I could observe when a voter has a problem. (two locations)

A Republican observer, after being ejected by the Judge for making numerous unfounded objections to slow the vote was reinstated on the same day at the same location by the BoE.

A Voting Machine Technician told two outside observers we would be under shariah law if the President was reelected.

Arizona

Arizona’s Maricopa County “listed the wrong [election] date in the Spanish version of voter registration cards, a development likely to further complicate tense relations between local authorities and Latino residents,” according to CNN. Given that Maricopa County is home to this shitbag, we’d say that the relationship between local authorities and Latino residents is already in the toilet, but that’s just our opinion. In case you didn’t get the wrong date on your Spanish language ballot, GOP robocalls helpfully gave the wrong polling places and times to Democratic households.

Virginia

In Virginia, voter registration forms were found in a recycling bin on a few occasions, leading to a voter fraud case that has expanded to include Strategic Allied Consulting, a contractor for the Republican Party of Virginia.

In Conclusion:

Be careful out there, Floridians and Spanishes and poll watchers! And send your election hijinks tips to tips@wonkette.com!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 232 comments }

AlterNewt November 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm

So, everything's going pretty much according to plan.

Come here a minute November 5, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'm not worried about all the shenanigans on Tuesday — the phone call I got told me votes for Barack Obama must be cast on Wednesday! What a relief!

Shypixel November 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

If the Good Lord wanted a democrat in office, he would have programmed the voting machines that way…

NellCote71 November 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

And He would have made the Koch brothers Democrats.

MLite November 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

On the plus side in Virginia, this was the first time any of these Republican consultants had recycled anything.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 2:04 am

WIN

Crank_Tango November 5, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Ugh. I'm gonna go back to work–someone wake me when this gets handed off to the supreme court on wednesday, mmkay?

NellCote71 November 5, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Now I can really rest easy, knowing it's in the Supremes' hands.

BlueStateLibel November 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

This would be a good time to use Bill Clinton's IRA's knee-capping services on these crooks…knee-capping with votes I mean.

Hammiepants November 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I can't even make jokes about this. People DIED for us to have the right to vote, and to disenfranchise people is a subversion of one of our most fundamental rights. These cowardly goatblowing assclowns. I can't even…

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Hush, hush, it'll be OK. (Pats Hammiepants gently) Really it will. Anonymous is watching, Obama's got 600 lawyers in OH alone. There will be a reckoning, probably not as sanguine as some of us would like, but it will happen.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Obama's got 600 lawyers in OH alone

He's got a Strategic Voter Reserve????

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Shh. Don't tell anyone.

RufusTFirefly November 5, 2012 at 8:42 pm

How's his Guns and Money status?

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:23 pm

You OK? Didn't suffer from the storm?

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

"600 lawyers" with fully armed black helicopters, I hope…

SigDeFlyinMonky November 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm

…guns and money!

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Another Warren Zevon fan, I see.

NellCote71 November 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm

"…not as sanguine as some of us would like." Sanguine with votes, of course.

MittBorg November 6, 2012 at 12:07 am

Of course. (looks around for BeccaLou)

Isyaignert November 5, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Oh MittBorg, you always know the right thing to say!

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 4:55 pm

(Hugs you) We gotta help each other over the humps, sweetie.

finallyhappy November 5, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Many, many in VA too. A friend of mine is a lawyer in Maryland and is being deployed with many other MD and DC lawyers to VA polls to stop any GOP shit

HELisforHEL November 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

This makes me feel a bit less stabby. I was just about to go out and randomly beat up the first republican I encountered. With votes, of course.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:25 pm

Now, now. There's only so many munniez to bail alla yez out. Keep palms pressed to thighs and don't make eye contact with no Republicans till Wednesday.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Thanks, fh! I have faith in my Prez. He plays the long game. He is ALWAYS prepared!

HempDogbane November 5, 2012 at 5:51 pm

And in Minnesota those 1000 felons who gave the Senate election to Franken are standing by. Wherever I look on the internet commenters tell about this so it must be true.

Jennyjen798 November 5, 2012 at 8:51 pm

Sadly, I put more faith in Anonymous and Occupy than any lawyer or politician. The rules just don't apply to the powerful. I almost want to watch it all burn.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:26 pm

Anonymous is watching, too. I love those folks. They work SO hard to police the Darknet.

Limeylizzie November 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm

How much do I love you for the elegant phrase "Goatblowing Assclowns"? A fucking lot, my friend.

Lascauxcaveman November 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

And also please remember assblowing goatclowns have been try to rig elections (with varying levels of success) since we started having elections.

And yes, both sides have done it. It's only recently (2000, and by extension, 2004) that the results have been truly catastrophic.

An Asexual Ungulate November 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

It makes me red in the face pissed off too. They go on and on about wanting to avoid voter fraud, and how it's so important to have an unimpeachable election, then in the same breath put in place plans to throw out legitimate votes (or prevent them from being cast) because it'll help their guy.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 5, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Yes I know…that's how I feel. It also pisses me off to no end when I hear asshats babble about how the changes in the laws have rendered unions obsolete because of all the 'perks' workers get. It's as if the mortal perils people went through to organize so they could demand such basic 'perks' was something as distant as "The Oddysey" or something…fucking moronic, Reagan-education addled shitbrains.

coolhandnuke November 5, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Be careful out there…perp Romney will be hit with a case of the Hill Street Blues tomorrow.

Estproph November 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I wonder when they are simply going to make it illegal to vote for a Democrat.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

They're obviously working on it…

elviouslyqueer November 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

It might as well be here in Mississippi.

horsedreamer_1 November 6, 2012 at 7:00 am

The GOP wants to be the new old PRI.

EatsBabyDingos November 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I'm in Fairfax City, where the Mittroid 2000 is giving a speech in 45 minutes. The traffic is shocking, because there is none. No one wants to hear a vulture capitalist go "Caw, Caw." I haz a happy.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

YAY! Thank you!

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Beautiful!

walterhwhite November 5, 2012 at 2:34 pm

the Mittroid 2000. Excellent!

BoroPrimorac November 5, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I was going to downtown Miami last week, right before Michelle Obama's speech and I had to get the fuck out of there because the traffic was insane.

Both Sides Do It November 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

The Ohio Secretary of State also instructed election officials to not assist people in filling out the identification section of the ballot, so that if voters didn't notice it or made mistakes their ballots could be challenged.

Did Wonkette cover that already? Who the fuck can keep up. It's like trying to follow a single slime trial in a slug orgy, keeping track of all this voting harassment garbage.

HELisforHEL November 5, 2012 at 6:00 pm

'Slug Orgy' is a perfectly apt description of the Republican headquarters around these parts. Nice.

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Just checking before I book my moving service:
They sell box wine in Canada, right? How about cakes we liked?

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

the very best cedar cheese also too.

(seriously, i am a sucker for black diamond)

PugglesRule November 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Cedar cheese? They make cheese out of cedars?

If there are no Little Debbies, I'll tough it out here.

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

It is a cherished meme from a some-time-ago wonkette post that was among the things I liked!

nonbeliever7 November 5, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Ya know, one of the bored Wonkette editoreses should write a "Memes from my Wonkette" book. I only vaguely remember some of them so I'd pay good mormon money to relive all the oldies from butterstick to T.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 5, 2012 at 5:36 pm

And those cakes we like.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:28 pm

Now *that* is a cheese that bites back! Sharpest cheddar I ever bit into.

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Fuck Canada too. The way the rest of the world is going, I'm moving to the island of Myselfia. Pending verification of Pee points, all Wonkerdoos are welcome but I get to be the Governor. Also, it's BYOB.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 3:02 pm

Why aren't there democracies in any place warm? It's like it only comes about in countries where everyone's holed up for the winter and has to come up with a way not to murder each other just out of boredom.

DCBloom November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

There's always Cali….

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Then the good news is – - democracy is set to thrive in Virginia this year! We're due for one of the coldest winters ever. Thanks Wookies — now I can relax.

Isyaignert November 5, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Yes they have boxed wine and B.C. bud is among the best in the world!

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Fuckit. I'm packing.

njstore November 5, 2012 at 5:17 pm

No, no, no. Humboldt has the best.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:29 pm

Hmm. I really need to start hangin' out with YOU, girl.

viennawoods13 November 5, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I keep telling you!! Stephen Harper the Prime Minister is a douche of the highest degree!!

prommie November 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Till now we have had the opinion poll truthers, bravely denying the validity of any polling data that goes against their imagined version of reality, and starting tomorrow we will have to start hearing from the election truthers, who will spend the next 4 years denying the validity of election results that go against their own strongly held personal opinions on reality. GOP fucktardery is without limits. And a short-fingered vulgarian shall lead them all.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Jimmy Carter can't be EVERYwhere. We need some democracy experts from the Sudan or some other much-better-at-supervising-their-votes country to come monitor this shit. I am flipping out, I gotta admit. I has a scared of this country.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I am with you, wherever we might have to flee to.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I guess British Columbia is too obvious?

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Is that the place wear you talk in a funny accent but have really good cocaine?

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Yes, pinkies out whilst utilizing that coke spoon, this is a classy place.

(Also, pot farms in every basement. I have seen it on the netflix streaming!)

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

I'm starting to think that we may need some of those Second Amendment votes.

BoroPrimorac November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Don't worry, we're only a few decades away from becoming El Salvador.

mille derps November 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

In SC, the GOP is seeing unintended consequences of voter discouragement. Usually, they want low voter turn-out, but with so many offices requiring write-in votes, the GOP leadership is not only trying to increase turn-out, but they're also trying to remind voters not to push the button that allows you to just vote a straight party ticket. Haha! http://www.thestate.com/2012/11/05/2508559/sc-abs

memzilla November 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Sorry, pal, we're going to need to see some ID before we can allow any further commenting on this post.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

This comment was self-deported

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

And that means PHOTO ID, not your Ralph's Super Saver card.

Lucidamente1 November 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Early voting in Florida has a serious case of the blahs.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Despite concerted GOP efforts to "cure" that ailment…

bikerlaureate November 6, 2012 at 12:00 am

Historic – Dem early voting numbers in FL. Whoo hoo.

widestanceromance November 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

These 'irregularities' are nothing compared to the Republicans, who, after tomorrow, will have their intestines in knots for months and years to come.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Please GOD…

HELisforHEL November 5, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Please god indeed.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

All the Kochs' money
And all of Rove's lies
Won't win the election
For those we despise.

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Nicely done.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Aw, Wooks! I just lerve your doggerel.

memzilla November 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Burma Shave.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm

You iz now officially Tweeted.

DemmeFatale November 5, 2012 at 9:43 pm

Sent it to one of my girls.
Should be on facebook shortly.
Thanks, Wooks!

ph7 November 5, 2012 at 2:06 pm

A Voting Machine Technician told two outside observers we would be under shariah law if the President was reelected.

That's why voting booths have veils.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:07 pm

"Ohio Wonketteers, when you vote on Tuesday, be sure and say hi to the True the Vote volunteers"

Then kick them really hard in the groin area.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

Holy shit, they can actually do that with votes too, like in their hand. Kick em with votes. HARD.

kittensdontlie November 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Those who lean hard to the right, are risking spinal injury, and I will volunteer to True them straight up with a boot ballot.

Mittaplasia November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

And be sure to tap, er, REBOOT twice!

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Christ on a cracker, sorry, Baldar, I posted the same heartfelt sentiment a few dozen posts ahead. You got to the groin before me. But, can I kick them a second time, just because?

Isyaignert November 5, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Go for it and kick 'em once for me.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 5, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I might just lose it if I run into one those idiots.

Isyaignert November 5, 2012 at 5:07 pm

We would all be very understanding here in Wonketteville. I suffer from severe Republicon Tourettes whenever one of those fukwits opens their yap.

hagajim November 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

In Oregon, which isn't really a swing state (thank God!) a fine elections worker in one of the biggest counties in the state was caught opening mail-in ballots and if no candidate was chosen for an office she just stone-cold marked the Republican….awesome, Democracy YAY!

tracyhasfun November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

WAT

Zango Crudmonger November 5, 2012 at 3:06 pm

GAH! At least she was caught. This older article describes her filling in blanks for the R's. Perhaps a Mormon, lying for the lord? It would be irresponsible not to speculate. http://www.kmvt.com/news/regional/177292541.html

horsedreamer_1 November 6, 2012 at 7:02 am

Portland is Tramp* City, after all.

*Trampoline.

Isyaignert November 5, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Whooooooaaa Nellie! That is so fukked-up. I live in Washington state and we have 100% mail-in ballots like Oregon. I always thought it was a pretty fool-proof system, especially since we volunteer at the county elections center watching people verify and count ballots. These Republicons are such crusty whores.

Negropolis November 6, 2012 at 2:01 am

So, is this that "voter fraud" they are always screaming about?

Mittens Howell, III November 5, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Republicans putting ballots in the recycling bin?

You crazy environmentalists!

Antispandex November 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

If someone as wealthy as Romney can't steal… I mean buy…I mean win, this election, I have lost all faith in or capitolist system.

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I (will) blame the Buddhists.

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

That would require him to spend his *own* money…

Goonemeritus November 5, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"Ohio Secretary of State Jon Husted kicked off the election home stretch by only extended voting hours in GOP strongholds. "

Well you try to herd a bunch of 400 lbs. voters into and out of a voters both that was designed before the invention of the Hoverround.

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

*wipes a tear*

Keep up this snark level and maybe I will survive this election nightmare~

UnholyMoses November 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

And this, ladies and gents, is why, when I'm done with voting tomorrow a.m., my daily schedule involves nothing but going to work, coming home, having some dinner, and playing some drums for the rest of the evening.

Besides, I get the feeling it will take WEEKS to sort all the shit out after the GOP is done skullfucking the election in every way possible.

Mittens Howell, III November 5, 2012 at 2:10 pm

I'd like to kick John Husted in the votes, with nuts!

Blueb4sinrise November 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeit. Lying robocalls PFFFTTTTTTTTTTT.

"….the largest case of campaign money laundering in state history."

To CA., via AZ.
http://azstarnet.com/news/local/govt-and-politics

ChillBill November 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I DO NOT look forward to four years of conspiracy theories on how Libtards stole the election.

AngryBlakGuy November 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

…get ready for "ACORN 2.0"!

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

AKA "How dare they let black people vote!"

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

I do, because that will mean we won.

bikerlaureate November 6, 2012 at 12:02 am

Yup. Let 'em bring it.
Some of the "swing" voters will realize just how little respect the GOP has for the electoral process…

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 2:24 pm

better than the alternative.

Boojum November 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

It's better than the alternative.

FakaktaSouth November 5, 2012 at 2:26 pm

Fuck it, I'd rather that than any of these conspiracy wanking assholes be in charge of anything. Keep those people busy doing ANY thing other than making what they call policy.

Mittaplasia November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I relish it; we'll see spontaneous combustion of teajadists in unprecedented numbers. What's not to like?

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Kris: You forgot to mention that California voters in inland counties have had their registrations flipped from Independent/Democrat to Republican. In *good* news, Chris Christie ordered that voting begin over this weekend due to problems caused by Sandy.

DemmeFatale November 5, 2012 at 9:52 pm

Hopefully, since it's not a primary, registration won't matter and will give the Rethugs some false confidence.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 11:55 pm

True. It's not the damage I'm objecting to, since there isn't any yet, but the blatant shameless ratfuckery of it all. They bamboozled people into giving them all kinds of information under the impression that they were applying for jobs or benefits. This kind of shit has got to stop!

trampndirtdown November 5, 2012 at 2:11 pm

They're trying it in Seattle also too. http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/11

UW8316154 November 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

and this:
Complaints follow Republicans' offer to deliver voters' ballots
http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2019607844

memzilla November 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

I look at that map and think, "Kang and Kodos could fix that in a second."

Incitefully_Joe November 5, 2012 at 2:12 pm

It sure is "funny" that all these "errors" and "honest mistakes" all seem to be made in the same direction every time, isn't it?

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Democracy has an inherent liberal bias — they're just trying to unskew it.

Incitefully_Joe November 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Unskew the polling places!

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

You forgot the "r." Oh, and it doesn't need the "un," either.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

This one comes courtesy a Wonketeer and volunteer observer

If (s)he wasn't a useless idiot Wonketeer, (s)he'd be paid for watching.

SigDeFlyinMonky November 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

"I like to watch." Chauncey Gardener.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 5:04 pm

That's *useFUL idiot,* fuckyewveddymuch.

Wut? I can't just let him cold insult us all, can I?

widestanceromance November 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

I fear for Seamus tomorrow and hope he gets the chance to bolt in by then. Maybe he can hop a car elevator and find solace with Rafalca.

Mittens Howell, III November 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Paul Ryan just put up his new Linkedin page, so he's all set for Wednesday.

Best to be prepared, because people don't plan to fail, they have plans that fail.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Dear Tips@Wonkette.com:
I never thought this would happen to me, but when I went to early vote at my exurban/rural South Central Texas polling place (an actual library, who'da thunk it?) last Friday, I was surprised to see a brown person waiting in line to vote. Fortunately, the True the Vote folks were on full alert, and escorted the brown person out of the library, handed him a weed-eater, and told him, "That greenspace isn't going to trim itself, Pancho." Whew! Close one!

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 2:53 pm

What the hell does a Texas library look like? I'm assuming it's a buncha guns, picture books of guns, and every swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Lotsa Large Print editions, too.
Actually, it's pretty nice, and they have a stealth progressive somewhere on the acquisition board so that there are actually some books that have a liberal slant (but not as many as by Glenn Beck, Coulter, etc).

unclejeems November 5, 2012 at 8:24 pm

There used to be a library at A & M until someone checked out the book.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 8:31 pm

Yowza! You ok, unclejeems? Not hurt by Sandy, I hope.

mille derps November 5, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Was it made from a feather belonging to a weeping eagle?

AngryBlakGuy November 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

…geez, will there be one election where the state of Florida won't be on the front page of a newspaper for f$kking it up?!

BadKitty904 November 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Hey, the southern half of our state is within the western boundaries of the Bermuda Triangle. No wonder stuff keeps disappearing…

AngryBlakGuy November 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm

…that theory would explain why everyone down here drives like sh!t(myself included)

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 8:32 pm

Jesus, tell me where you are so I'll know the areas to avoid.

Oh, yeah, Florida, home to nutbags like Carl Hiaasen describes. Right. (crosses FL off list of potential destinations)

HELisforHEL November 5, 2012 at 6:10 pm

No.

bikerlaureate November 6, 2012 at 12:04 am

There's hours yet for the Sunshine State to do what they do worst.

/ 321 Obot-canvasser

CommieLibunatic November 5, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I just wish I found this earlier in the month. VOTE OR DIE MOTHERFUCKERS

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

How, exactly, does a "recount" work with electronic voting machines?

This is an earnest question.

SayItWithWookies November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

The number you get is the number you get. Recounting it just gives you the same number, unless the nice Registrar lady opens the unsecured Access database and puts in the numbers she wants to see, and then you get that number.

And that's an earnest answer, though flippant. In Europe, their voting machines print out receipts with each vote, so they can be counted, but the very same companies that make those say it's impossible to do the same thing here.

PugglesRule November 5, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I don't know either, but definitely do not ask the (soon to be former) county clerk in Waukesha County, Wisconsin, Kathy Nickolaus.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

"elections officials simply throw out ballots with any irregularities."

Would those irregularities include "all ballots which were cast for (D) candidates," by any chance?

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I am not allowed to speak to voters beyond the neutral zone outside.

See, that's fair, because then the Klingons could file a protest in The Hague.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Either that, or some guy in a black-and-white-striped shirt would throw a yellow flag and cite you for a neutral-zone infraction. Five yards, replay the down.

actor212 November 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I saw that episode. Lou Antonio played the guy in the black-and-white striped shirt and Frank Gorshin played the guy in the white-and-black striped shirt.

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 3:39 pm

BTW, ever notice how the Ferengi and the GOP have a lot in common? Forget Kolob, Romney could be the Grand Nagus of Ferenginar.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 8:42 pm

Especially the way they treat the females of the species, eh?

Although, as Biff sez, Mormonism considers women to be cum-dumpsters. (Ew)

notanncoulter November 5, 2012 at 2:17 pm

vote early and often.

TavariousChinaSmith November 5, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Don't vote: it only encourages them.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Buncha Massholes just interviewed on one of the teev channels just called him a Michigander, so I'm guessing nobody wants to claim him.

Success has a thousand fathers, Mitt. Failure is an orphan.

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Success has a thousand fathers, Mitt. Failure is an orphan.

*golf clap*
Stealing this, also.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Heh. (hugs you) Take this, brother. May it serve you well.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 2:22 pm

But it's important that we keep having 51 different electoral systems controlled by quite possibly corrupt local authorities, rather than uniform nationwide rules designed to insure that everyone can vote and all votes can be counted, because state's rights!

Oblios_Cap November 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

the Rs are trying to get 3 Supreme Court justices in FL recalled so they can pack the court and basically outlaw Dems in the state.

Mittens Howell, III November 5, 2012 at 2:23 pm

HaHA those fuckers stealing the election are going to shit themselves when they see the flag of Kolob flying on top of the White House.

Botlrokit November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I'd like to see what Kolob looks like. It ain't on any of my star atlases.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I b'leev Neil DeGrasse Tyson just discovered it.

Oh, no, that was Superman's home planet. Never mind.

ChillBill November 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

In retaliation for having to put up with my Republican in-laws over the weekend, I decided to troll the Breitard comments section. Everytime they mentioned anything about prayers/Jeebus, etc, I pointed out that God wants Barry to be reelected, and that only God could prove me wrong. It worked like a charm.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 8:43 pm

You're *delightfully* cruel. (contemplates sobbing rightrads) Delightfully.

weejee November 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Boetchin'!!!

Will the Ohio freedom lovers from True the Vote be using flame throwers to disinfect the ballots for D'Rat districts? Can't be too careful or those minority cooties will reach-up and bite ya.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 2:25 pm

we here in chicago will have the cleanest elections in the country.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Haha! By the way, have you seen the Joe Walsh TV spots with his son telling everyone to leave his Deadbeat Dad alone, and the pictures of the rest of the family? I don't think he specifically denies being a Deadbeat, though.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Well, hopefully the ad will work, and the voters will leave Joe alone. With votes.

fuflans November 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

i did see them and had the same thought.

and son's probably going to grow up the same way.

SorosBot November 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

So when Joe's long since retired, his son's moved away
He'll call him up just another day
Joe'll say, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as Joe hand up the phone it'll occurred to he;
"He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me"

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:03 pm

That song is like a knife in the heart to me.

rocktonsam November 5, 2012 at 5:58 pm

"just buy enough votes in win, I'm not paying for a landslide!"

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm

The correct greeting to a True the Vote person is a knee to the groin, right?

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:04 pm

Usually. If you're *exceptionally* short, though, a quick punch in the nuts is perfectly acceptable.

Mittaplasia November 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

This article is getting us fired up for the Wonkette brand of tranks, booze and other assorted mind alterants available soon – keep checking the store for new arrivals!

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:04 pm

*hic*

haec

hoc

MissTaken November 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm

What about the Lizard People? I miss them.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:05 pm

I'm just *resting.*

Besides, you're TAKEN.

PuckStopsHere November 5, 2012 at 2:34 pm

I don't care who wins, I just want one of those sweet "I Voted" stickers.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I went for the purple dye, instead.

luke_warm November 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

http://news.yahoo.com/voting-already-mess-florida
Extraordinarily long lines in Broward County- election officials say to vote instead with those easy to throw out absentee ballots.

christianmuslin November 5, 2012 at 2:38 pm

By 2020 we will have armed troops at all polling places just like the other developing countries that are instable. The difference will be here it's the voters not public officials that are corrupt. It sounds good anyway!

Guppy November 5, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Greetings Wonketeers, and welcome to the day before the day before the beginning of the next four years of our lives!

Bullshit. I live close enough to my state's capital that I'm already planning to go watch the Great Randian-Teabag-Truther Apoplexy on the steps of the state house come December 17.

Lionel[redacted]Esq November 5, 2012 at 2:42 pm

As a public service, I provide the following guide to making sure that your vote is not suppressed in any way:

1) Be white.

2) Be middle to upper class. Sure you may be white, but if you are a student, poor, or just not the "right type" of person, Republican election judges will have to inspect your vote to make sure it was properly done. Being from the suburbs will prevent many of these problems.

3) Don't argue with the machine. If the voting machine keeps flashing Romney, isn't that really who you meant to vote for? Come on, be honest, who are you to question a computer? Nate Silver?

4) Vote a straight Republican line. This is just a courtesy, as it makes it easier for the Republican election workers to clear your ballot. If you get cute and vote for someone other than a Republican, it will take them more time to process and lose your ballot.

5) Vote drunk. It will ease the pain.

vulpes82 November 5, 2012 at 2:43 pm

OT, but the map reminds me that it continues to amuse me how Republicans have become the reds, just like the GODLESS SOVIETS and the HEATHEN CHINEE communists! Eisenhower is rolling in his grave (though he's been rolling in that sucker for about fifty years).

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Steve Schmidt is just a million laughs these days! http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2012/11

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

If the GOP ran people for office like Huntsman or even Schmidt himself or Michael Steele, they would stand a very good chance of becoming a majority party. All they have to do is know how to talk like a normal human, acknowledge reality, and talk soberly, they could clean up.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 3:04 pm

It has nothing to do with their actual policy positions? Mitt has demonstrated the fail of that (we hope).

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 3:09 pm

Not so much. If Romney didn't claim at one time or another to hold the universe of all possible policy positions and got caught saying 47%, this election might be closer. And as we know, whites aren't voting for Obama in record numbers despite Romney also being a very accomplished dickweed.

BaldarTFlagass November 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

OT, but Sarah Palin has finally weighed in and endorsed Romney. NOW we are well and truly fucked. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/05/sarah-pa

YasserArraFeck November 5, 2012 at 2:55 pm

She's finally given up hope for that last minute out-of-nowhere nomination by acclaim that she was sure was coming

viennawoods13 November 5, 2012 at 6:32 pm

I firmly believe that she expected to be the winning write-in candidate.

VaWyo November 5, 2012 at 2:47 pm

I was feeling slightly better about the election over the weekend and this has ruined my optimism. My father, who is in his mid-70's and lives in VA, is insane with rage over all the birth control, rape and abortion nonsense from the republicans. He's always been pro-choice but occasionally votes for republicans, including Bush. The far right wingnut tea baggers have pushed him firmly back to the left.

I will be spending election day working in my polling place. Being an observer isn't enough for me. I want to be on hand to see the irregularities and do something about them!

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:08 pm

good on ya, VaWyo! Thank you for doing what you do!

snowpointsecret November 5, 2012 at 2:50 pm

The little girl in the video is the personification of the entire state of Ohio right now. IT JUST WON'T END.

Is it Tuesday yet?

VeraSevera November 5, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Up next… Gleichschaltung …

DustyBowlBlues November 5, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Crap. I'm slammed with making a baker's dozen of pies–more, actually, for a church dinner for a church–my UMC–where Jesus' words aren't ignored. Blowing off Jesus works better for membership, so we need the cash.

Now I read this shit and wonder what the fuck can any Democrat do against this kind of cheating at the polls. I hate Republicans. Now, back to pie crust.

When I finally get home from this church dinner tomorrow evening, I hope ATT's tubes (note to CEO: the intertubes you use really need expanding–are adequate over my mobile device to I can be with the wonkeratti for the happy evening or the apocalypse.

Isyaignert November 5, 2012 at 5:11 pm

"The Internet is a series of tubes not trucks." – Sen. Ted Stevens (R-Alaskahole)

finallyhappy November 5, 2012 at 5:20 pm

I remember now about your famous pies! I have already purchased supplies for the Obama re election celebration but pie sounds good!

HarryButtle November 5, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Hey, that's "SHERIFF Shitbag," to you, libtard.

Hopefully we'll actually rid ourselves of this anal wart tomorrow.

el_donaldo November 5, 2012 at 2:56 pm

OT – I miss this place. {wipes tear.} I miss you guys. I'll be back as soon as I can get some free time and some regular internet.

I'll be thinking about you all tomorrow night as I'm trying to get election updates on my phone with no TV or wifi in the house. Unfortunately Intense Debate takes way too long to load on my iPhone. Fuck that storm.

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Do what?? Good luck, wherever you live & are getting by. Fuck that storm, indeed.

HELisforHEL November 5, 2012 at 6:17 pm

I hear you. Fucking storm. Best of luck, I hope things get better ASAP.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:10 pm

(Hugs you) Wut happened, sweetie? Sandy destroy you? Come tell me about it and let me give you a hug. Geeze, how many of our Wonketteers have been suffering through this?

VodkaGoGo November 5, 2012 at 2:57 pm

All my comments are belong to moderation now?

Edit: guess not. I wonder what I said to make the Editrix hate me so? Was it Pee?

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:11 pm

It's not Editrix. It's ID. Random glitches seem to send people off to a blacklist. I got "modded" a few times till I screamed for BeccaLou, who will fix it right away if you scream for her too.

VodkaGoGo November 6, 2012 at 2:16 am

Yeah, my original comment popped up about 7 hours after I posted it. I wonder if ID gets shitty if I post on my laptop and iPhone at pretty much the same time. I posted from my phone while I was out for a smoke, but that sounds like a stupid reason for ID to fuck up. I dunno.

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 2:59 pm

Politico, the even stealthier version of FOX, has declared that Bronco will have no mandate because white folks didn't vote for him, even if he gets a majority of all voters:
http://immasmartypants.blogspot.com/2012/11/polit

cousinitt November 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

W claimed to have a man date after 2004 in the same way Dick Cheney claimed to be an expert shooter. Not a problem for O. No? OK, well maybe all he has to do is hold up a puppy during inauguration and threaten to go kinsu on the wimpering pup.

finallyhappy November 5, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Well, I guess my family are highly educated urban whites- so I guess we don't count as real white people- plus we are Jewish -I know lots of white people who voted for Obama- but now I understand we are not real whities

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:16 pm

I thought you knew that, hon. Any white person (of a certain persuasion) will be happy to tell you Teh Jooz are not white. Someone came to my house once, got drunk on my wine and stoned on my weed, and told my Jewish boyfriend that (along with a shitload of other things I won't repeat). I booted him out of my house for good, but regretted the waste of good drugs.

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 7:32 pm

I said to myself after watching that video of the girl crying over NPR 'if only he was named Bronco Bama, this election wouldn't even be close'
Bronco Bama would have virgin daughters offered up by their fathers at every rally.

chascates November 5, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Ditch the electoral college, establish one national database of voters and voting standards, allow voting over a period of several days, and get rid of this bullshit that money is free speech and corporatons/organizations are are entitled to spend more than $100 or so toward campaigns.
This year's election is estimated to have cost six billion dollars, half of that going for media buys.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Good grief! What's your argument for ditching the electoral college, though? I believe the Founding Fathers instituted that shit just to avoid populism, although I could be wrong.

FlownOver November 5, 2012 at 3:08 pm

This vote has ben deleted by the [identity of organization withheld].

An_Outhouse November 5, 2012 at 3:13 pm

and then there's this from early voting reports in Florida:
long lines, hours to wait , an then –
"Adding insult to injury, about 180 people’s cars were towed from the parking lot across the street, the Miami Herald reported. "
http://www.truthdig.com/eartotheground/item/early

poorgradstudent November 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Ugh, I have to spend most of the day in an archive in Chicago, so I can't even be drunk all day tomorrow :(

mayor_quimby November 5, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Cme on, we believe in you! You can at least be buzzed. Don't be a quitter!

spends2much November 5, 2012 at 3:21 pm

Voting machines freak me out. Only in theory, since I've never seen one. We humble Canucks use paper and pencil, and fill in the circle any way our heart desires. They call the election before my Diet Coke buzz wears off.
Although I'm sure King Steve will want to eff with that soon enough.

And now to pace nervously for a few days…

viennawoods13 November 5, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Yeah, Stevie had his fun with robocalls in the last election. We do have it easy, though; we just have one name to choose, for our MP. None of this Representative, maybe senator, maybe Governor, dogcatcher, oh and yes, the president. The simple Canadian mind boggles at the complexity.

MittBorg November 5, 2012 at 9:19 pm

(Hugs you)

I'm doing an awful lot of hugging today, but I just want you to know I'll be holding your hand till midnight tomorrow. After that, all bets are off.

doloras November 5, 2012 at 3:32 pm
rickmaci November 5, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Love the map. Why don't they just paint the whole fukn thing red and call it 538-0 Romoney and stop messing with half ass fantasy? You need to go totally bat shit out of your freak'n mind looney if you want anyone to listen.

mustangsavvy November 5, 2012 at 4:45 pm

So much effort to steal an election. It's *almost* as if the Republicans think they *might* lose. Heaven forbid.

tigernole November 5, 2012 at 6:08 pm

I can't wait for the riots to begin, welcome anarchy!!!!

ttommyunger November 6, 2012 at 11:04 am

Going to be difficult to steal a landslide. Not impossible, but difficult, and God knows they'll try their best.

prommie November 5, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Vaaaaaancouver is the place for me,

Chet Kincaid_ November 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Have the mounties bean aboot?!

Mumbletypeg November 5, 2012 at 6:18 pm

one of the bored Wonkette editoreses should write a "Memes from my Wonkette" book

Your wish is
my
Extempranus's
Ken Layne's command!
(courtesy of ex-editor Layne, via veteran commenter Extemporanus)

EDIT: Apologies, it is mere pics to get the fuck off on — and alas there is neither Butterstick nor "WOLVERINES!!" nor Aqua Buddha nor "Bye, Fat Tits!" traffic violators among them.

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