Pitching Wu

Kansas School Board Candidate Will Solve Budget Problems By Eliminating Evolution

That "cause and effect" stuff is also a suspect doctrineJack Wu, an actual candidate for Kansas’s state school board, pledges on his very impressive homemade website to do something about the most serious problem facing the schools today:

The current public educational system in Kansas and the United States is preparing its students to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts.

And how will he address this specific set of issues?

My mission, in running for the Kansas State Board of Education, is to throw out the crap that teachers are feeding their students and replace it with healthy good for the soul knowledge from the holy scriptures.

Because that would be totally legal. Who knows, maybe it is? So, let’s see what parts of the curriculum he thinks need revising. We will guess maybe he thinks students need better critical thinking skills to be effective members of a modern high-tech democracy, right?

Let’s be specific. Evolution should never be taught in public schools as science. Evolution is false science! God made the heaven and the earth and created humans from the dust of the earth! The very bad teachers that teach that men descended from apes via evolution need to have their teaching licenses revoked. Yes, students should be taught that God created everything.

Oh, that was totally going to be our second guess! So, besides instantly stopping children from becoming crooks, thieves, murderers and perverts, would there be any additional benefits to throwing out the theoretical basis that’s at the root of modern biology and medicine?

School administrators are always complaining about budget problems and lack of funding for this or that. Haha, that’s funny. I have a really simple solution to solve that problem: Eliminate funding for evolution textbooks and pseudo-education. We’ll save a ton of money! Tell those evolution textbook publishers to recycle their waste of paper, and tell those evolution teachers to teach truths instead of lies.

The lies of men and of the devil need to be expelled from the classrooms of Kansas, and of the United States, and of the world. Make room for the truth of God!

Yep, and if there’s some kind of lawsuit filed over Mr. Wu’s education reforms, there’s no need to spend any money defending it, because he’s besties with the Westboro Baptist Church, which is a whole congregation chock full of lawyers! (We don’t know if they’d donate their services for free, though, since that doesn’t appear to be part of their business model.)

In any case, Kansans might want to start practicing saying “Board of Education Member Jack Wu,” because even though he’s only raised $5 and spent nothing campaigning, he’s running in a very conservative district and has an “R” next to his name, despite efforts by the Kansas GOP and Gov. Sam Brownback to distance themselves from Wu because of his relationship with Westboro.

Oh, and the baby in the dumb illustration is calculating the volume of a sphere, but don’t go thinking that means Jack Wu accepts your weirdo secular theories about the non-flat Earth. Also, the Westboro media apparatus has a video explaining their relationship with Mr. Wu, noting that while he attends their maybe-it’s-a-Poe church, he is not a member of the church.

Yes, he said “interwebs.” We are beginning to gain a new appreciation for the argument that WBC is actually just Deep Trolling.

["Mission: A WebsiteBuilder Website" / Huffpo]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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172 comments

  1. Negropolis

    Haha, that's funny, indeed. Actually, it's not funny, at all.

    Mr. Wu, the Taliban called; they want their religious fundamentalism back.

    1. cousinitt

      Hey! Watch it, bub! I'm from Kansas, ok?

      What? My pseudopod is showing? Never mind that, I may be a mollusc but I'm proud to be from Kansas.

  2. BadKitty904

    OT, but heartiest congrats to the patriots who voted early, esp. those in Florida and Ohio, who, despite the best efforts of their elected officials, managed to cast their ballot. Here's hoping said votes are actually counted!

    1. weejee

      Even moar congrats to those who vote early and often.

      / to offset the intimidations and miss-counting touch screens, and with votes not pitchforks

  3. memzilla

    Yes, students should be taught that God created everything.

    Well, that would certainly shorten the school year to about three minutes.
    Class Dismissed!

    1. editor

      in fact, why bother with school at all? the righteous can simply go to church, and the liars, crooks and thieves will have so much more time for their lyin', crookin' and thievin'. and think of the money it will save! no more school board members to pay!

      oh, wait.

  4. Terry

    "Let’s be specific. Evolution should never be taught in public schools as science. Evolution is false science! God made the heaven and the earth and created humans from the dust of the earth!"

    But creationism is very good science? What are they hypotheses? H0: God is great and created the heavens and the earth and all the inhabitants there of. H1: God is great and created the heavens and the earth and all the inhabitants there of.

    "The very bad teachers that teach that men descended from apes via evolution need to have their teaching licenses revoked. Yes, students should be taught that God created everything."

    Sounds like he downloaded some Taliban teaching guides.

    1. Steverino247

      Well, it would be incorrect to say men descended from apes since we're still a part of the family. If you don't believe that, just observe any baseball manager arguing a call with the umpire. If that's not primate display behavior, what is it?

        1. Mumbletypeg

          You think that's a nuisance? You'll know you've "made it big" when you achieve the Threatened-To-Be-B@nh@mmerd Hall of Fame! There's a bourgeoning complex of us have enjoyed that experience with as little warning as two shakes of Nessie's scaley tail!

          1. Incitefully_Joe

            I'm a little bummed that outside of some antagonistic jesting on my part directed at certain previous editors, I don't believe that anyone's ever threatend to bahn mi. I feel kinda left out.

          2. tessiee

            "two shakes of Nessie's scaley tail!"

            I BEG your–!!
            I do NOT have–!!
            Oh.
            NESSIE's scaley tail.
            Carry on, then.

          3. BoatOfVelociraptors

            Are you implying that your tail has no scales, and are we to assume it some smooth assed tail, capable of shakin without flakin?

  5. CrunchyKnee

    I'm beginning to believe that these people in Kansas and Missouri are not being jolly japes, but are actually serious with their words and such.

    1. WhatTheHolyHeck

      "Jack moved to Topeka, Kansas after seeing the light of Westboro Baptist Church."

      My troll-sensor is bleeping loud enough to wake the dead.

  6. BaldarTFlagass

    "The current public educational system in Kansas and the United States is preparing its students to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts."

    My God, don't we have enough fucking Republicans already?

  7. Monsieur_Grumpe

    It figures that the Republicans finally get a non-white guy on their ticket and he’s a 99 on the Wacko-Meter™.

  8. boskolives

    Toto, I don't think there's a place for us in Kansas anymore, because doggy style is too close to butt seks to the casual observer, so put that lipstick away and let go of my leg.

  9. Negropolis

    It's always about WBC; it always comes back to WBC. **sigh** We should have the ability to put states and regions on probation.

  10. BaldarTFlagass

    This guy reminds me of my favorite song from Kill Bill

    Wu hoo wu hoo hoo
    Wu hoo wu hoo hoo
    Wu hoo wu hoo hoo
    Wu hoo wu hoo hoo
    Wu hoo wu hoo hoo

    Now if we could just get Uma Thurman to take him out, with her samurai vote counter.

    1. Beach_Bubba_Tex

      Outside chance that he's simultaneously struck by lightening and mauled by a bear. God has his fun, y'know.

  11. Negropolis

    I know the crazy is not supposed to be understood or make sense, but creationism is no more a science than evolution is a religion. It's like holding band class during your biology class. You might not like biology class, but that doesn't make band class biology class just because you decided to hold it in the same room.

    You don't have to like evolution, but that doesn't make creationism science. Find some other scientific theory that explains where we are, or GTFO. You can't replace physical observation with something that can't be physically observed/sensed.

    1. SorosBot

      But creationism has lots of scientific evidence behind it! Some old book says it's so. That's science, right?

    2. thatsitfortheother1

      I'm actually kinda certain that Wu spontaneously generated from some rat infested rags.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      I'm looking for a man!
      What man?
      The man with the Power!
      What power?
      Oh the power of Wu who.
      Who do?
      Oh Wu do, Wu do!

  12. thatsitfortheother1

    "Oh, and the baby in the dumb illustration is calculating the volume of a sphere…"

    Just height x width x length. Cause when he grows up, the kids head will be a cube.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, there is going to be a clusterfuck of a storm on Tuesday night, but the rest of the week seems open.

        1. thatsitfortheother1

          I'm taking Wednesday off. If we win, I will drink heavily. And if we lose, I will drink heavily.

          1. NellCote71

            If we lose, I will be packing my belongings for parts far away. While I still have what is left of my 47%.

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Gee, that seems like the type of story that would warrant more media coverage. I'm sure Faux nooz will be all over that.

        1. tessiee

          I'm not sure exactly how to do that.
          I typed, "UAW brings ethics charges against Romney", in the Tips Hotline box, pasted a link to the story on the UAW website, and clicked on Send.
          I hope that worked. If that is not correct, and someone who is more knowledgeable than I am wants to post it, I would appreciate it.

          1. Mumbletypeg

            Go to Wonkville, shown in righthand sidebar. Click at the top, where you see Tabs for "Hot" and "Newest", the tab that says "Submit Link." There you will see comment-like blocs to fill in with "hyperlink" and "Suggested Title" plus the URL of the host source for the article/ its home page. Finally hit "Submit." Good luck! (sending via TIPS/Hotline certainly encouraged, it deserves a front page post treatment)~

  13. kittensdontlie

    That poor baby is calculating how large a balloon he would need to float the hell out of Kansas.

  14. Mumbletypeg

    The lies of men and of the devil need to be expelled from the classrooms

    Why stop there, Mister Wu? Take your case to exorcist specialist Piyush "Bobby" Jindal!
    Don't misconstrue when he backs away from you with crossed forefingers holding you at bay, that just means he's warming up.

  15. SorosBot

    So he wants to throw out the Bill of Rights and replace them with the Ten Commandments? Really, what part of "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" don't you understand?

  16. Toomush_Infer

    Well, I don't know about that Wu, but the fellow from Westburo Baptist Church can take the candlestick of my temple right up his wastehole – don't they have state-sponsored medication for this level of dangerous crazy?….he sounds like he's about to go postal…..

    1. christianmuslin

      I am seriously planning to do the same- Santiago, Chile within a year. Bringing back the Articles of Confederation is not the answer. Just wait until they post speed limits with Roman numerals instead of those terror inspired Arabic ones!

    2. thatsitfortheother1

      I haven't lived in the US since 1990. Kinda sad to see it wasting away from afar.

      But still better than up close.

  17. mbatch

    Sigh. Kansas was still having this argument when I was in high school there back when Koch the elder was calling my mom a communist (she sponsored an International Christmas Fair at the YWCA). Don't these guys ever die off?

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      ♫ I once heard it said
      That old assholes never die
      They just lay in bed and
      Multiply. ♪

    2. Chet Kincaid_

      No they don't, and you can't blame it on "old" vs. "young" as if this was 1969. At least two generations since "The Establishment" are just as stupid and cretinous as a '50s John Bircher.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Worse. Birchers were a tiny minority. Now, half the voting population in aggregate in the USA is crazy.

  18. Negropolis

    Will they all behave when they get a black president again, and, realize that since it's his last term that they can't make him a one-term president and just give up?

    Of course they won't. Who the hell am I kidding?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Oh, come now. WBC was every bit as bugfuck crazy and anti-science when GWB was preznit. Their thoroughgoing hatred of all humanity, especially fags, transcends every other consideration.

      1. Negropolis

        It was really just a general thought with the electon being tomorrow, because as we know, WBC is about the most ideologically narrow group as you'll find anywhere. Even in this video they make it crystal clear they aren't endorsing the guy. I'm sure he's not pure enough for them. At the end of the day, it's always about them.

        1. thatsitfortheother1

          "I'm sure he's not pure enough for them."

          You are not suggesting that some group has impurified his essence, are you?

          1. Incitefully_Joe

            I'm pretty sure Negropolis meant "pure" in the sense that the bloodlines of European royalty were "pure", which is why they had all of that hemophilia and those other rare genetic conditions.

      1. Negropolis

        I needed that. I really need to stop caring, which I why I hope to the FSM that we can get past tuesday.

  19. redarmyzombie

    Dear god, that visual alone makes my head hurt; you just KNOW these dipshits actually do think that way.

    Oh, and he's close to the WBC? Has anyone thought to run clips of them, say, desecrating the funerals of fallen soldiers during this election? 'Cause conservative or not, that's got to count for SOMEthing!

    1. Doktor Zoom

      His opponent has definitely made that a major focus. She's got "D" next to her name, though, so the thinking is that only people who actually pay attention to the campaign will know the slightest thing about either of them, which gives Wu a huge advantage.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    Could someone to tell me more about this class on how to be a pervert? I feel there may be a teaching job in Kansas for which I might be an expert.

    Oh wait, he means "gay guy" right? Damn it. Vaginally challenged AGAIN.

      1. docterry6973

        I'd like to sign up for the class too, but I don't really 'challenge' a vagina, if you get my drift.

  21. chascates

    My local NPR station just ran an interview with the local Texas Education Board candidate. It would be his second term and he's still running on his original platform of returning patriotism to schoolbooks, teaching abstinence-only sexual education and the dangers of having sex, and the many falsities of evolutionary theory.

    In 20 years these same people may be throwing acid in the faces of kids trying to attend 'government' schools that teach heresies they oppose.

    1. Negropolis

      I'm so glad our state board of eduction hasn't gotten this political, but I fear it's only a matter of time. Some of the university board races have gotten pretty ideological, lately, with the GOP running tea party candidates, but the Dems, here in Michigan, still control all the university boards as well as the education board.

  22. Allmighty_Manos

    "The current public educational system in Kansas … is preparing its students to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts."

    That explains a lot about Kansas.

  23. not that Dewey

    RE: Ten Commandments — why is it that the Fundies need to be reminded every two minutes not to kill people? I'm a godless commie, and I've gone 44 years without killing anyone. DON'T FUCKING PUSH YOUR LUCK, FUNDIES

  24. Katydid

    I have a really simple solution to solve that problem: Eliminate funding for evolution textbooks and pseudo-education. We’ll save a ton of money!

    Because replacing those textbooks with Bibbles and tithing would be SO much cheaper. To say nothing of the future therapy bills for the students.

  25. VA_Dreaming

    Wu says "The current public educational system in Kansas and the United States is preparing its students to be liars, crooks, thieves, murderers, and perverts."
    We know this is false because if it were true all public school graduates would be joining the Westboro Baptist Church.

  26. tessiee

    That anyone should cede the smallest iota of credibility, much less authority, to this fraternity of autofellating fantasists is a loss and a shame to all of society.

  27. VA_Dreaming

    In his biography, Jack Wu states he was taught about evolution in elementary school, then transferred to a Christian school in the 7th grade. So basically he has an elementary understanding of the theory he is bashing. I think this explains quite a bit about him.
    also, after seeing him interviewed, I am pretty convinced he is gay, and is spending most of his time and energy trying to distance himself from his true self.

  28. bearperney

    I was born and raised in Kansas; a week after I graduated from Topeka High School in '67 I bought a bus ticket out of the state and have never gone back. It was batshit even then, even the teenage me could see it.

  29. MadBrahms

    I'm always fascinated by the rhetorical moves the guys make. On the one had, the bible, rather than the scientific method, is the source of ultimate authority. On the other, people like Wu (and our Christianist textbook friends!) feel qualified to pronounce evolution by natural selection "false science". Are they referring to some parallel universe science? Science from a dimension in which Charles Darwin was a fundamentalist preacher with a goatee and Karl Popper put unbelieving secularists into agony booths until they accepted the authority of scripture?

  30. docterry6973

    I really hope Wu wins. The GOP is just going to keep running crazier and crazier people. Some state has to be the one where the sane people rise up and say 'enough'. Why not Kansas?

Comments are closed.