Part 10: Did We Mention That They Really Don't Like Marx?

Sundays With The Christianists: This ‘World History’ Textbook Is The Opiate Of The Homeschooled Masses

Being exploited by the opiate of the people is bad enough, but do I have to wear these ridiculous shoes, too?Welcome, Comrades! We’re still making our way through the “we really don’t like communism” chapter of our 10th-grade textbook for Christian schools, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective. So pour a nice glass of Victory Gin, hum the Internationale, and we’ll visit History’s Greatest Monsters, your Godless Commies.

Now, last week, we found out that communism is just the worst thing ever! This week, we learn that your Commie has no regard for human life, not even of his own. For this reason the textbook wants to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness.

It’s really sort of endearing just how much the editors want to make clear that Karl Marx was a bad, bad man motivated by, as they put it, “a violent hatred for God and humanity.” Because really, isn’t the study of history primarily about identifying who the Good Guys were and proving that the Bad Guys were cartoon supervillains?

Needless to say, much of what was wrong with Marx originated with bad theology, and of course higher education:

As a rebellious student at the University of Berlin, Karl Marx (1818-1883) associated with radical students and professors and came under the spell of the religious modernists of Germany who denied the deity of Christ and questioned the authority of the Bible.

See what happens if you question the authority of scripture? You could create the next Karl Marx! Marx also took an unhealthy interest in the problems of the poor, which is almost certainly something that no good Christian would ever do:

Marx viewed history as a record of class struggle between the “haves” (wealthy) and the “have nots” (poor), and he blamed ownership of private property as the source of the conflict. Like the French Enlightenment philosopher Rousseau, Marx believed that if private property could be abolished, all of man’s problems would be solved. He declared that the course of history would eventually eliminate the upper middle classes, “their” religions (Judaism and Christianity), and their private property and bring the poor working classes to power.

Marx’s adaptation of Hegel’s dialectical reasoning is often called dialectical materialism — that nothing but the material world exists and that material conditions alone (i.e. — the environment and economics) determine how a person thinks, acts, feels, and believes. To Marx, everything was physical, leaving no room for the metaphysical or supernatural, including God. Marx claimed that economics, not religion, was the greatest driving force in history.

We get the sense that this last was a personal affront to the textbook’s editors. The very idea! We’ll at least grant that they describe the basics of Marxist thought fairly accurately, albeit with some sneering. You got your exploited proletariat, you got your ruthless bourgeoisie, and you got your “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his need.” Because children should never be confused, the textbook takes pains not to suggest that this phrase is at all similar to Acts 4:34-35 at all, because the Biblical version is 100% totally different:

“all who were possessors of lands or houses sold them, and brought the proceeds of the things that were sold, and laid them at the apostles’ feet; and they distributed to each as anyone had need”

See? It was voluntary, not coerced by the government, and only a dirty commie would think the Bible says anything about the government taking wealth for the purpose of helping the poor, because even though it might result in the poor getting fed, clothed and sheltered, it ultimately leads only to misery, just because. Really, just don’t go there.

But even worse than his criminal thinking about economics is Marx’s atheism, of course:

Marx called religion the “opiate of the people” because he believed that religion was like a “drug” that made people content with less in this life because they expect happiness only in the next. Obviously Marx did not understand Christianity at all, for though the Christian does indeed look forward to eternity in Heaven, he knows that God wants men to do their duty in this life to hold back the forces of evil, and that only a person who is in the will of God can know true happiness in this life.

This may come as a surprise to those readers who may think themselves happy. We recommend that they stop fooling themselves and get right with the Lord. And also quit all that sexing that some of you have been going on and on about in the comments. You might think you are having a fine old time, but you are actually quite miserable, because it says right here that you are.

In 1843, Marx went to Paris, where he met Friedrich Engels (1820-1895), the only close friend and associate he ever had. Engels’s father was a hard-working and prosperous textile manufacturer, but Engels despised the discipline of his father’s home and shared Marx’s radical views on atheism, humanism, and materialism. Like Marx, Engels believed that mankind is the pinnacle of biological and social evolution and constitutes the only “deity” The secular humanism embraced by Marx and Engels became the foundation of Communist ideology.

Again, we are awed at the depth of this historical analysis: Communism, they imply, is largely a by-product of Marx having been a friendless loner who palled around with humanists and had his mind warped by liberal professors, and Engels was a snotty ingrate who just didn’t appreciate how hard his father worked to put food on the table. Toss in a little evolution, and you get the most dangerous ideology the world has ever known. This will be on the test.

We then get an account of the German revolution of 1848 and the writing of The Communist Manifesto. You can almost hear the editors giggling as they put together this summary:

In The Communist Manifesto, Marx and Engels advocated that drastic measures be put in force immediately following a successful Communist revolution, including

    (1) the abolition of private property and inheritance rights;
    (2) the redistribution of wealth through heavy progressive income taxes;
    (3) a central state bank to control all credit and to manipulate the nation’s currency;
    (4) government control of all means of communication and transportation;
    (5) government ownership of all means of production (factories, farms, mines, power plants, etc.) and all natural resources;
    (6) the abolition of unemployment through social welfare programs;
    (7) the redistribution of the population (from cities to rural areas and vice versa);
    (8) mandatory state-sponsored and state-supported education.

You don’t even need them to ask, “Hey kids, you know What Other Party advocates higher taxes, welfare programs, and public schools, hmmm?”

We also learn that, just like dirty hippies everywhere, after the collapse of their little “revolution” in 1849 Marx and Engels went home to be parasites:

The Communist League was dissolved, and Marx was forced into permanent exile in London. Engels also retired to England to manage one of his father’s factories. The income from his “filthy capitalism” kept both him and Marx from starving.

But did Marx learn his lesson and straighten up and fly right? Of course not! He just went and wrote another damn fool book, Das Kapital, which is descrbed as his “greatest intellectual triumph” and dismissed in a short paragraph:

Whereas The Communist Manifesto laid down a practical program for Communist revolution, Das Kapital offered a theoretical foundation for Communist ideology. In it, Marx applied Darwin’s idea of evolution to his political theories in a feeble attempt to give them a “scientific” basis. He argued that if man is the product of biological evolution, Communism was the ultimate product of a social evolution by which the human race would achieve perfection.

There might be some other stuff in there, too, but you don’t need to know about it, it’s boring. And besides, did you know that Karl Marx was just a big old hypocrite? The section on Marx closes with a paragraph that is actually headed “Marx’s personal failure.”

lt is interesting to note that Karl Marx, who proclaimed himself the champion of the working man, never did an honest day’s work in his life. He and his wife and their six children lived in a squalid London apartment because Marx refused to work. While his wife helplessly watched three of their children die in infancy without proper food and medical care, Karl Marx sat in the library of the British Museum trying to “solve” the problems of the world. Any money that came into his hands (most of it from Engels), he spent for travel, liquor, and tobacco. Two of the three Marx children who survived childhood eventually committed suicide. While his family struggled to survive, Marx spent years attempting to formulate a program for perfecting society but he failed to love and support his own family (1 Tim. 5:8).

We won’t make you look 1 Timothy 5:8 up. It’s “If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” So you see, kids, Marx was a very, very bad man, and this is why his ideas were bad, too. Also, put down that book and clean up your room. You want to end up an intellectual bum like Karl Marx?

Next week: Maybe we’ll talk about communism a little more. There’s a 4-page section titled “Why Communism Kills.” We bet it’s because Communism is hopped up on goof balls and listening to jazz. Also, as we mentioned last time, we’re waiting for the e-bays to send us our copy of the updated 2010 edition of World History & Cultures; we’ll let you know whether the newer edition still presents world communist domination as an imminent threat (we kind of bet it does).

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom
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411 comments

  1. AlterNewt

    And Jesus said unto them, "Be thou a maker, not a taker".

    Then Jesus did drop the mic.

    Also, Karl Marx borrowed tools and never returned them.

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Fact: Karl Marx borrowed my gas hedge trimmer. Had a full tank when I lent it to him. Empty tank when he retuned it. Didn't even offer to refill it.

          1. Roger

            Now, we shouldn't be too judgmental.
            Karl is a nice guy to have around, he's a lot of fun at parties after drinking a bunch of your booze.

    2. doloras

      Karl Marx farted and blamed it on the dog.

      Karl Marx ripped pages out of Bakunin's copy of _Sexual Secrets_.

      Karl Marx knocked up the housemaid and got Engels to take the rap.

      (The last one may actually be true.)

        1. doloras

          He used to go out with Engels and his mates, get rat-assed drunk and come home smashing windows then running away from the cops. So, yeah, some redeeming features.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Yeah, it's not like any Xtian nutjob let his family rot when he traveled around at gubbiment expense looking for hookers who'll let him poop in a diaper or have the church pay for his rentboy while ritting (sic) about the horrors of fucking rentboys or found dead with a cord around his neck while wearing a crotchless wetsuit and a dildo up his ass.

    I'm surprised they failed to mention the horrors of what Karl's cousins (Groucho, Harpo and Zippo, among them) did to good Xtian sensibilities when it came to comedy.

    1. nounverb911

      "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."
      –Groucho the Marxist

    2. tessiee

      Zippo was the least famous Marx brother. Discouraged by his lack of success in show business, he went on to invent the cigarette lighter.

        1. Simple J Malarkey

          The cheesy Italian movie stereotypes are running together in my head. I keep hearing Marlon Brando saying this. Like the whole line goes, "What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? Had you come to me in friendship, I could undastan why a horse, why a boat, why a dis, why a dat; I no undastan why a duck."

          1. FeloniousMonk

            As with most deep metaphysical questions, there's a simple answer: they're going to build a tunnel there in the morning.

            EDIT: or not, if Chris Cristie has anything to say about it.

    1. Mittaplasia

      Their Sunday School is separate, but a long way from equal to ours because we have Zoom in the room!

    2. tessiee

      That's actually a useful rule of thumb.

      When I was fililng out my ballot last week, there was a referendum for a casino. I didn't know what to check, until I remembered that Christianists HATE casinos, and gambling in general. Problem solved.

  3. Mittaplasia

    Republicans have been talking so much about pregnancies caused by varying levels of rape, so I found myself reading "Diabolical Maternalism". They are fucking up my ability to READ…arrrrgh!

  4. eggsacklywright

    "…came under the spell of the religious modernists of Germany who denied the deity of Christ and questioned the authority of the Bible."

    Respeck bibble authoritaugh!

  5. Toomush_Infer

    I'm getting a subtext here of rationale for why there needs to be a Southern Baptist Pope, and how the U.S. should just let it rule Congress….why do I have such devilish thoughts?….does Marx have a pair of horns in Hell?…should I be wearing my tinfoil cap all the time?…

    1. Serolf_Divad

      I have a strong sense that Mormonism's manifest destiny is to become the national religion of this proud nation. The idea of Jesus coming down from Heaven and ruling the Earth from his twin capitals of Jerusalem and Missouri is just waaaaaay too appealing a notion for these guys… heresies be damned.

  6. Suffering_cat

    Now wait just a minute. Don't those Christianists know what's in their Holy Book? Check out Acts 4:32:
    "And the multitude of them (the apostles & their followers) that believed were of one heart and one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things he possessed was his own; but they had all things in common."
    It goes on to say that the believers sold their property & gave the proceeds to the apostles so that they could be distributed:
    " . . . and distribution was made to every man according as he had need."
    How's that for communism?

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Nope, we covered this. The apostles done it voluntarily, rather than being forced to share by the gummint, so there is really no similarity at all.

      1. BloviateMe

        It is funny that a book who's entire outlook of "civilization" is filtered through the bible, allows certain lines from their own god to be utterly ignored.

        When these christianists get to the pearly gates, they better have a lawyer on retainer.

      2. Suffering_cat

        You gotta read further, Dok. Check out what happened to Ananias & his wife Sapphira when they held back part of what they got for selling a possession & Peter found out about it: Acts 5:1-11. They both fell over dead, which sent a very clear message to the rest of the followers: You don't share & Peter finds out about it, you gonna die. If that ain't force . . .

          1. Suffering_cat

            I know what you mean, Dok. Once I was audited by the IRS. I sent them as many pages of real information as I could, hoping to keep them busy & off my back. It worked; haven't been audited since . . . but then I honestly pay everything I owe. And so I really do feel blessed . . . but not by any of the gods. I leave them alone & they leave me alone.

        1. Suffering_cat

          Right. From "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre", by B. Traven:
          "If you want a god, then there is a god for you."

    1. finallyhappy

      I do not understand the Pony fascination at all- however, do not explain it to me. Many people do not understand my fascination with cuttlefish- and I'm not explaining that

      1. C_R_Eature

        The My Little Pony obsession goes right over my head too. I just find it funny, especially as it seems to upset some people here.

        There's no need to explain your Cuttlefish Fascination, here either – I think the reasons should be obvious. You Have Been Noted, though and you will be pleased to note that you will be safe during the coming Cephalopocalypse.

          1. bobbert

            That's genuflecting and genuflecting and genuflecting and genuflecting and genuflecting and genuflecting and genuflecting, right?

          2. UW8316154

            What about the establishment of a safe, marine sanctuary where octopodes can play down in Elliot Bay?

        1. Doktor Zoom

          I should at that I am not a fan of "My Little Pony the TV program for children." Rather, I am a fan of "My Little Pony the internet meme thing."

          Several weeks of ponies in, and I have yet to watch the television program. For me, the interest in the meme was sparked by this thing.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Jeeze Louise. Per my reply to BadKitty904, there's really nothing that MLP hasn't been Themed-out to.

            How did this happen? When did this happen? I swear, there's a lot of times I run into something in this media culture that completely dumbfounds me and I start to feel exactly like The Man who Fell To Earth.

          2. Doktor Zoom

            For what it's worth, the meme has been around for a bit over a year, which of course means that in Internet Time, it's old and it's totally over now.

          3. C_R_Eature

            Eh, missed out on another cutting-edge Social Trend.

            Fortunately for me, Cephalopods never seem to go out of style.

          4. BumbleKid

            That may be the most glorious thing I've ever seen on the Internet, and I've seen a lot of glorious things on the Internet.

      1. C_R_Eature

        Thank you. These Sundays with Doktor Zoom have taught me many things, not the least is that the My Little Pony cartoon has now been adapted to virtually Every Theme you can Imagine. And some you can't.
        And some I really didn't want to.

  7. gullywompr

    Out of all of Marxy Marx and the Funky Bunch, Engels the Booty Inspector was my fave. Good Vibrations, yo! Come on, come on!

  8. PsycWench

    " only a person who is in the will of God can know true happiness in this life."
    This may come as a surprise to those readers who may think themselves happy

    *Raises hand*
    The funny thing is, I know a lot of Christians and they are not all that happy.

    1. bikerlaureate

      They always want it both ways. True happiness requires being in sync with the Holy Spirit, so no unbeliever can be truly happy – but the self-delusion of a hardened heart is thoroughly misleading, so the heathens don't know what they're missing, and besides they're all liars anyway, and anyhow this is a vale of tears where the faithful are supposed to expect tribulation and persecution just like Jesus experienced.
      Aarrg.

    2. BadKitty904

      That's the thing I don't get. These folk keep yapping about the "joys" of their religion, yet they themselves make it sound so very unattractive. And appear to be seriously unhappy individuals, as well.
      I'm guessing = "misery loves company"? To paraphrase Mencken: "Fundamentalism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere is having a good time."

    3. zappadoo76

      Commie faggot Jew philosopher Wittgenstein said that we shouldn't expect religious people to be happy–we should expect the opposite, because that's why they're religious.

      1. Toomush_Infer

        I thought that went under the "render unto Ceasar" category….or was that about salads?…..I forget so easily….

    4. FeloniousMonk

      I don't check, but I assume that most of the people I know here (Baton Rouge) are Christians, and they're mostly happy enough. Ditto for the people I know in England, at least of my parents' generation. My Dad was an ordained minister in the C of E for many years, and he's a nice enough guy, and a life-long Labour voter. As an atheist, I think they're all deluded fools, and I expect they think the same of me, but apart from an occasional friendly argument after a few pints, we just politely ignore the whole thing.

      Dok calls this "Sunday with the Christianists", and is careful to stick to that term. The use of "Christianist" as a deliberate parallel to "Islamist" is credited to Andrew Sullivan in 2003 by wikipedia, and I think it's a very useful one. It helps to keep discussion of sheer blithering idiocy like creationism, and the intrusion of faith into policy, separate from issues of personal belief.

      On an only tangentially related note, ex-Wonkette Alex Pareene called Andrew Sullivan a "beautiful unique internet flower" on Salon today.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I'm definitely stealing that…In fact, for a moment, I thought Pareene may have stolen it from Ken Layne, but it's a one-off that needs to be a meme.

      2. sullivanst

        It's a lot easier to be happy if you go to a CofE church than an SBC one, because the sermon's more likely to be about how the pastor actually really enjoyed strawberry jam on his toast this morning when he always has raspberry but the store was out, so that's how God works in mysterious ways, as opposed to saying that if you ever said anything nice to a gay man ever, you're going to burn in hell fire for all eternity, because Paul.

  9. Lucidamente1

    And then the Soviets invaded Afghanistan and discovered that opium is the religion of the people. The End.

  10. Blueb4sinrise

    ……the study of history primarily about identifying who the Good Guys were and proving that the Bad Guys were cartoon supervillains

    I think there's a old school of thought that believes that that is exactly what historians should do.

  11. tessiee

    "he believed that religion was like a “drug” that made people content with less in this life because they expect happiness only in the next. Obviously Marx did not understand Christianity at all, for though the Christian does indeed look forward to eternity in Heaven, he knows that God wants men to do their duty in this life to hold back the forces of evil"

    To the great surprise of…
    absolutely no one…
    this is a lame and off-topic attempt at debunking an accurate assessment.
    Saying that "God wants men to do their duty in this life" does not refute "religion was like a “drug” that made people content with less in this life because they expect happiness only in the next" in any way, shape, or form. To the extent that it's not a complete non-sequitur, it could be argued that "content with less in this life" would include "content with less freedom and autonomy, and therefore willing to do what some God tells you".

    1. Boojum

      Could we skip the analogies and go straight to opium being the opiate of the masses? Because I would go to church then.

  12. Lucidamente1

    Uh, teacher, lookee here what Bertrand Russell says:

    Bolshevism is not merely a political doctrine: it is also a religion, with elaborate dogmas and inspired scriptures. When Lenin wishes to prove some proposition, he does so, if possible, by quoting texts from Marx and Engels.

    Bolshevism: Practice and Theory (1920)

    1. Serolf_Divad

      Bertrand who

      Oh wait… my Avatar

      Of course Russell was spot on in this. If you don't believe me then go hunt down a Trotskyite and argue with him about… well… anything
      Next go track down a bible thumper and argue with him about… well… anything
      Then compare the scripts.

  13. tessiee

    "Engels also retired to England to manage one of his father’s factories. The income from his “filthy capitalism” kept both him and Marx from starving."

    Forgive the re-post, but at least ONE of the things that shaped Engels' ideas was observing whole families doing what amounted to slave labor from can't-see to can't-see, and still not making enough to live on, when he lived in England.

        1. Mittaplasia

          True, because your lungs have a way of shutting that whole dirty air thing down. They were probably adept at breathing only LEGITIMATE air.

    1. emmelemm

      But they were doing honest work, righteously, and thus would be rewarded richly in the afterlife once they died prematurely of starvation or black lung or consumption or whatnot.

  14. CrunchyKnee

    My tale mirrors the shitty path of collectivism: This morning I must apply a liberal amount of aspirin & water for the massive suffering brought about by too much "buying shots" for myself and my comrades last night at the people's collective. See, if I had just bought my own and minded my own business, for Jesus, I would not be suffering. Nor, would I have had fun, or had the secks. Damn, my lib'ral commie ways.

    1. VodkaGoGo

      Yes. Morning guy hates it when night time fun guy gets all 'LETS DO SHOTS! LETS DO SHOTS!" Night time fun guy never has to pay for that shit.

          1. Roger

            Does the Vatican have F-16's?

            Listen I've read a lot of things here not happy with Christians.
            That they're snobby, hypocrites, mean spirited, and most of it they bring on themselves. Not all behave like Mother Theresa. But violent? I don't know many that fly F-16's just to follow the teachings of Christ.

          2. Roger

            We weren't? Can someone help me here, was it the Church in Egypt, the Coptic Orthodox church flying F-16's? What church has that fleet of war planes?

            Are you just using that muslim set of values to defend suicide bombers?

      1. Mumbletypeg

        This is … let's just say you made my day. My evening! whatever, upon reading — I KNEW this 25-hour yearly freak cycle blip would bring me something Awesome~

        1. C_R_Eature

          Isn't this Fun!? How many songs are out there about a Russian mathematician by a singer-songwriter who's also a mathematician? It has to be Only This One!

          Enjoy!

  15. fishskicanoe

    "To Marx, everything was physical, leaving no room for the metaphysical or supernatural, including God."

    Metaphysical; I do not think it means what they think it means.

    1. Negropolis

      I thought that line was particularly laughable. They treate everything they believe to be metaphysical or supernatural outside the realm of Christianity, despite their beliefs being based both of those things. They've persecuted and continue to do so things they see as metaphysical and supernatural.

  16. Doktor Zoom

    Image source: http://www.soviethistory.org/index.php?page=subje

    Also, too, the original poster has this Lenin quote at the bottom, in Roosian:

    "He who lives and works in need his entire life is taught by religion to be meek and patient in this world, offering the comfort of hope for heavenly reward. And they who live on the labor of others are taught by religion to be charitable in this world, offering them a cheap justification for their whole exploiting existence."

    1. TavariousChinaSmith

      And then in 1992, the Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy said it more succinctly:
      "Television: the drug of the nation. Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation."

      So, does the return of the religious wingnutisphere since then have anything to do with television's loss of influence since the decline of the three big networks?

    1. finallyhappy

      damn prayer wheels- spinning and spinning and those flags and the white scarves- the evil was deep in those people in Nepal and Thailand and Burma(of course, that was 1980- they may have changed)

  17. VodkaGoGo

    Any money that came into his hands (most of it from Engels), he spent for travel, liquor, and tobacco.

    This sounds like 85% of sitting congressmen and 100% of sitting Boehners.

  18. Doktor Zoom

    I should also mention that "intellectual bum" is what my adopted brother liked to call me when I holed up with a book instead of doing whatever chores he thought I needed to be doing. He sort of appointed himself the overseer for that sort of thing.

    BUT I AM NOT BITTER

    1. C_R_Eature

      Well, for years I thought my middle name was"goddamndumbsonofabitch".
      To be fair, I sort of earned that one.

    2. BadKitty904

      "He sort of appointed himself the overseer for that sort of thing."

      I'm starting to notice there seem to be a lot of those types around.

    3. Geminisunmars

      Well I hope you are grateful to him for helping you set your self-identity at an early age. Many of us had to struggle for years to get to that point.

    4. DemmeFatale

      Variation on the "you're adopted" scenario:
      My older daughter, (3.5 yrs. older) told my youngest one that when I was pregnant with her, aliens came, extracted the DNA from the "real" baby and replaced it with an alien baby with the DNA added to make it look sorta like it belonged to us.
      My youngest daughter believed she was an alien baby for years. We knew nothing about this story until much later.
      Aren't siblings the best?

      1. redarmyzombie

        To be fair, wouldn't YOU want to know you were an alien from birth? Think of the possibilities that would open!

        1. Jennyjen798

          This is true. My son was also convinced he was an alien (by his own imagination and wishful thinking). Therefore, he argued, he was impervious to "mere" human punishment. When he started telling the school teachers that I stole him from his real mother, and that she was going to come (in her space ship) and get him any day now, well the fantasy had to come to an abrupt end. All the school heard was "blah blah blah stole from real mother, blah blah blah."

      2. Negropolis

        Your older ones sounds quite creative, I'll give her that. I mean, if you're going to be evil, at least be creative about it. lol

        1. DemmeFatale

          She is really creative.
          A former theater major who's now a costume designer.

          Sorry about the World Series. As a Yankees fan, I understand how frustrating it is when hitters don't hit.

  19. PubOption

    To be honest, this week's snippet seems closer to the truth than most of Beka Books' output, although the comments and inferences show hard-right dogma. I was expecting less Marx and more Stalin.

  20. FakaktaSouth

    You may take this house, but you will never take my sexting. Also, Christians would never do anything like take advantage of people for financial gain. Just ask Pat Robertson, Jimmy Swaggert or Jim and Tammy Faye (if she wasn't all dead). They just wanna spread the word, right?

  21. comrad_darkness

    Funny, Russian friends brought us a pair of those shoes. They are woven grass or reeds or something(what do I know from plant matter…). They are awesome in hot weather. Don't knock em.

  22. BloviateMe

    I've missed a few articles in this brilliant series. Do they cover the Joey Smith and the Mormons at all?

    1. Mittaplasia

      If things go bad next week, you'll have more of Joey and the Mormons (scary band name) than you can stand.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      It's World History, so for the USA-centric heresies, you'll have to wait for one of the two Christianist American History texts I found on ebay.

      1. BloviateMe

        I'd like to see the pre and post Romney view on Mormons. I can only imagine the gymnastics involved.

  23. SorosBot

    How did Marx use Darwin's theory of evolution when On the Origin of Species was published in 1859, and The Communist Manifesto in 1848?

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      I reckon it was the more general kinda 'change over time' that was around and not the more specific Darwin stuff.

    2. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Yeah well they also have this habit of pretending Charles Darwin was the ONLY one delving into species evolution; easier to frame it as a cult idea (which is hilarious given the Jesus mythos…projection much, wingers?) rather than a reasoned and rational scientific direction. Even so, chronologically (and more to the point…intent) the political implication is Marx was a social Darwinist (these fucking morons LOVE to make this charge against leftists when leftism by definition is the antithesis of social darwinism). Still, if they slime Darwin as an atheist, pretend he invented social Darwinism (which someone coined to explain rightwing thinking, mind you) and then slime Marx…well that's wingnut gravy right there. Now, they should keep explaining why not all people are equal, and some are say…superior to succeeding socially than others (who might be considered 'elect' by God)…like rich white people; ya know…shit that in no way is like social Darwinism…Nazi's liked that stuff and they were lefties like Marx and Darwin..

  24. Doktor Zoom

    For a typical Christianist explanation of why Acts 4:34-35 cannot possibly be advocating socialism, see this "Pastor's Column" from a Minnesota newspaper (I linked to another in the main piece):

    Socialism is a political/economic system that uses the power of the state to take and redistribute wealth from the wealthy to the needy. On the other hand, generous Christians redistribute their own wealth to those in need out of a love for God. They give to the needs of the poor as individuals or through the structured church.

    Charity is a biblical principle of acts of kindness and compassion overflowing from a spirit of gratitude and blessings from God. In fact, everyone is to be involved in order to bless others by giving as they have ability (2 Cor. 8:3).

    On the other hand, socialism, through taxation take the wealth one has earned and gives it to whomever the government deems fit. This is not Christianity. This is tyrannical socialism. Thus, socialism is not Christianity, but a counterfeit of Christianity.

    Christian charity is much more effective and much less punitive. It starts with a heart willing to give. It works with the church or church agencies that are best able to meet the needs of those who are in “real” need, not those who take advantage of a “free handout.”

    This distinction between the two versions of who redistributes and why may seem trivial to us, but to Christianists it is literally the difference between a virtuous action and "tyranny." (Also, notice the pastor's insistence on having the ability to make sure that only the "worthy poor" get help. Presumably, if the gruel is ladled out with sufficient shame, that will prevent anyone from becoming dependent on it.)

    1. SorosBot

      "On the other hand, generous Christians redistribute their own wealth to those in need out of a love for God"

      Out of a love for their god; not a love for the poor themselves. That's telling. It sounds almost like these Christians actually lack kindness and compassion, and just do good works because they think the invisible superman will reward them.

        1. bikerlaureate

          That was a very good catch, 'Bot.

          Having that separation between "a love for God" and a love for the actual humans in need, right before one's eyes, has led to some soul-crushing indignities…

        2. redarmyzombie

          Yes, because the Nazis would totally have been much better people if only they didn't have all that empathy that led them to kill…

      1. Doktor Zoom

        OK, that's uncanny– I had originally included that quote as "an observation by noted modern theologian G.R. Waters" but took it out

    2. tessiee

      Preacher Jed: "Socialism is a political/economic system that uses the power of the state to take and redistribute wealth from the wealthy to the needy. On the other hand, generous Christians redistribute their own wealth to those in need out of a love for God."

      Dr. Zoom: "This distinction between the two versions of who redistributes and why may seem trivial to us, but to Christianists it is literally the difference between a virtuous action and "tyranny.""

      OK, I get the distinction between giving something out of a heartfelt impulse to help others, and giving something grudgingly because you're forced to, like when you're a kid and your mother forces you to apologize — I get that, I really do.

      What I don't get is why this (supposedly) applies to social services only. I mean, if the premise is that if people aren't coerced, they'll do the right thing out of the goodness of their hearts (and OK, sometimes they actually do), then why have *any* laws on the books?

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I'm a damned utilitarian humanist, so I kind of miss the moral distinction between "hoping that enough individual people will choose to good" and "choosing as a society to put in place a system that will ensure, via fair taxation (and efficient administration that can be revised through democratic action), that fewer people fall through the cracks" — EDIT: except, of course, that the latter approach may actually be more reliable.

        1. decentcitizen

          I was a trial lawyer for many years. Don't build social policy predicated on "the better angels' of our fellows instincts. Make a bright line rule that you shall contribute to the general welfare 'THIS" MUCH! or go to jail. That's social progress.

    3. C_R_Eature

      Hey, Dok, does Acts 4:34-35 give any guidance as to what percentage of the Church's Tithes should actually, you know, go to the needy? Because, the way I see it, shoveling money towards a bloated religio-administrative class for luxury accommodations, private jets, fancy shoes and political contributions instead of caring for Jesus's Poor Children has to be some kind of Sin, right?
      Of course, I'm not a religious scholar so what do I know?

      1. decentcitizen

        I'm ELCA and can definitely tell you this is not officially doctrine of the church but if you took 10% of your net and gave it to the poor rather than the church -that's cool with Jesus,

    4. memzilla

      I can pretty much guaran-f**king-tee that the starving recipient of a bowl of rice doesn't give a rat's ass whether it came from a charity or a church or a government. Which is the whole point, nicht wahr?

      1. C_R_Eature

        Yeah. And I can pretty much Guaran-fucking-tee that only people with full bellies, new clothes, more than enough money and a nice roof over their heads worry about Food Aid as a Moral Hazard.

        *Cough* George Will *Cough*

        1. memzilla

          I would like to time-warp George Will back to a beach in Indonesia just after the tsunami struck and see how much he would still believe in FAAAMH.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Good one. My preference, however, would be as a starving Irishman on a British make-work roadbuilding gang during the 1840's Potato Famine.

            The fellow who was in charge of administrating Irish Relief, Sir Charles Trevelyan, shared almost all of George Will's philosophical convictions. I'm sure they would get along famously.

    5. poorgradstudent

      That was always my far-right Catholic friend's inevitable response to any question of social welfare. Voluntary and religious charity would fill the gap! Of course, that always inspires confidence for this gay man.

      Anyway, my own response would always be something along the lines of "Because it worked so well for nineteenth century Ireland!" He never had a response to that point.

      1. sullivanst

        The opponents to Social Security attempted to use similar arguments. The fact that Christian charity was at the time spectacularly failing to alleviate the suffering caused by the Great Depression rather undermined it.

      2. decentcitizen

        If you're gonna do it anyway, you wouldn't mind a little legislation to the fact that failure to do so will be punishable by 3-5 years and an appropriate fine.

    6. sullivanst

      Yes yes yes, the giving was completely voluntary in Acts. You'd only die on the spot if it was discovered you held anything back for yourself. (Acts 5:1-11)

      1. Doktor Zoom

        As I said elsewhere, a vengeful god is more efficient than the IRS.

        At least in "Acts of the Apostles," which always struck me as one of the more ludicrous in that whole fanfic series.

    7. snowpointsecret

      Christian charity is much more effective and much less punitive. It starts with a heart willing to give. It works with the church or church agencies that are best able to meet the needs of those who are in “real” need, not those who take advantage of a “free handout.”

      Doesn't that qualify their bread and wine thing as "socialism"? I mean I know it's a Catholic thing but still, kind of makes you wonder.

    8. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      excellent analysis and it just demonstrates the corrosive effect combining religion with right wing capitalist 'theories' and social Darwinism creates. It used to be Christians would assemble into little communes and then create lil' socialist compounds. These communities were all about worshipping the invisible super man but also displaying empathy for others (I'm talking about 'Merika, of course). Somewhere along the line this sort of construct largely ceased to exist and Christianity, Inc. was formed. Therefore the 'fire and brimstone' of Calvanist Evangelism has been further dilluted by right wing bigoted supremacy-seeking theories and capitalist ethic to pretty much demean that Christian communes ever existed. They also like to forget that until the first Crusade, the "Christian soldier" concept was abhorred…they don't even practice their religion correctly, of course which is why we're all here bashing them now…sociopathic morans…

  25. wondering where i am

    The wingnuts have singlehandedly resurrected the relevance of Marx for the 21st century. Without them Marx would just be some old dead guy with a beard.

    1. BloviateMe

      That right there. Going from trivia question to talking point.

      I even noticed a member of the god squad spelling it Karl instead of the usual Carl, the other day.

    2. doloras

      No. The financial crisis resurrected Marx. It's precisely the kind of thing he predicted. Every time capitalism says "there will never be another boom/bust cycle", there's a bust.

  26. deanbooth

    "Any money that came into his hands (most of it from Engels), he spent for travel, liquor, and tobacco." Surprisingly, I'd rate that mostly true (one Pinocchio?). Marx wasn't very good with budgeting. On the other hand, at 50 he spent a summer learning Russian so he could translate his books himself.

    I again recommend last year's bio of Marx, Love and Capital. Fascinating stuff.

      1. memzilla

        Hmm. Library. A place which redistributes books to those who don't have them, run by a coterie of unelected bureaucrats, paid for by our tax dollars?

        1. Toomush_Infer

          Well, there you have it right there. In a Christian society, you only need two books….the one Zoomoo is reviewing and the other one, whatsitsname….

  27. SorosBot

    "And also quit all that sexing that some of you have been going on and on about in the comments"

    Hey, I resemble that remark!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Yes, yes, it's um, just you. You crazy kids with all your fancy mobile sex-talk. I would never do that, like, every single chance I get ever. NEVER, or always. Either way.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        You guys know what that leads to: Benson, Tutuola and Captain Cragin standing behind some crime technician, frowning ruefully at your sext log on a Police Dept. laptop.

  28. tessiee

    "It was voluntary, not coerced by the government"

    Like when corporations have a "food drive" or a "school supplies drive", and put a cardboard box with their company logo on it in the hallway for other people to buy stuff and put in the box; instead of paying any taxes.

  29. Mumbletypeg

    When I read or hear about Christians self-reproving if One Questions Authority of the Scripture — if one dares "think out side the box" — I get the same right-angular mental image I did when I learned the meaning of the term "hospital corners" for making one's bed.
    You tuck in the side edge of the sheet, & hold it in while next tucking the back flap behind the end of the bed.
    If your mom taught you how to do it right, you get a nice form-fitting corner-sheet tuck and what's better you can never kick those sheets off.
    Which also becomes the point of "tucking" one's children in, literally, pushing the sheets around the little body under the mattress as they're being kissed goodnight and effectively, strapped in.
    Safe sleeping, little ones! Hospital Corners!!

      1. BoatOfVelociraptors

        A pain in the ass when yer a tall guy dating neat freak short girl. If I am expected to move, those sheets are getting untucked with prejudice.

  30. chascates

    If post-Keynesian unregulated capitalism is the best the Christianists can come up with we need a 'Manhattan Project' to develop something else.

  31. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "Marx also took an unhealthy interest in the problems of the poor, which is almost certainly something that no good Christian would ever do."

    Yeah, except for that one guy, with the crazy ideas. What was his name, again?

      1. tessiee

        "Kids, let me tell you about another so-called [makes quotation marks with
        fingers] "wicked'" guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't
        always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was…
        I forget. But the point is… I forget that, too. Marge, you know what
        I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?" — Homer J. Simpson

  32. BarackMyWorld

    The section on Marx closes with a paragraph that is actually headed “Marx’s personal failure.”

    While I believe communism is a flawed system where you've merely exchanged one form of oppression for another, but that doesn't mean I don't appreciate historical materialism for its valid contributions to societal understanding. But, hey, don't let that stop you from resorting to ad hominem attacks on Marx for being a lazy hippie! *sigh*

  33. memzilla

    Am I the first one to point out that the Jeebus icon on the prole's back is kinda… you know… blah?

    Not Kenyan Commie Martyr blah, more of a Creflo A. Dollar blah.

  34. SayItWithWookies

    Having recently experienced an actual full-grown adult clergyman (high up enough to rate his own building, tax-free and on prime real estate) deliver his justification for why death shouldn't be that sad to the deceased's surviving friends and relatives, I can testify to the power of religion — to reduce potentially thinking humans to a level of puerile mongoloid intellectual vacancy that would embarrass your typical ten-year-old who hadn't grown up in the church's shadow.

    That anyone should cede the smallest iota of credibility, much less authority, to this fraternity of autofellating fantasists is a loss and a shame to all of society. And of course it figures that they'd pick a fight with Marx, whose historical acuity is only slightly greater than their own — let them argue the perfidy of modern socialist nations like Denmark or Canada and see how well they do.

    1. tessiee

      "That anyone should cede the smallest iota of credibility, much less authority, to this fraternity of autofellating fantasists is a loss and a shame to all of society."

      Assume permanent place in Pantheon of Awesome earned.

    2. PsycWench

      Sounds like you went to a Baptist funeral. I am only too aware of this phenomenon, and to the opportunity a lot of clergy take to preach to the wounded masses who wanted to bond in their memory of the loved one. As my Jewish-turned-atheist husband said after my beloved grandfather's funeral "There was a whole lot about Jesus and not near enough about Grandaddy".

      1. SayItWithWookies

        Catholic actually, though no less preposterous. Did you know the dead aren't really dead, just watching over the cohort of the living from some sort of big party with The LORD? Because Lazarus something something resurrection and the saints are all hanging out too, just waiting to intercede on our behalf. As I say to UFO enthusiasts in a slightly different context, just because you don't understand something doesn't mean the most farfetched explanation is somehow viable.

        1. gullywompr

          Well, unless the dead person didn't follow direction while alive, in which case it's eternal buttsecks with Lucifer.

          Clever, first tell them not to be afraid because there is no death, but then add some fine-print to restore that fear, and enforce compliance.

          The really clever ones go even further, and create their own cult so they can get the moneez, and fuck all the 14 year old girls.

          I eschew all of it.

      2. Cleopatriot

        I got to listen to some Baptist asshat tell me that my grandfather the atheist IWW member was sitting in Hell and if we didn't want to join him there we needed to come down that aisle and accept Christ right away.

        I don't know whose idea it was to let that guy anywhere near that funeral, but that's when I decided there's no God out there who'd let one of his people do something like that.

    3. Steverino247

      I've been to about five funerals over the past two years and all of them featured much more Jesus than (insert name of friend I wanted to say something nice about to their families about here). It really pisses me off. It's almost like the freak-in-charge stops about five minutes early and says, "Oh, yeah. Anybody here want to say something about the deceased?" You know everybody there wants to say something nice about the guy or tell a funny story about her that will remind all present what a great person she was, etc. But no. Fucking Jesus…

      1. PsycWench

        True story: my grandmother passed away a few years after my grandfather and the same preacher was to officiate the service. I asked to say a few words, since I really wanted this to be about my grandmother. I spoke for five minutes or so about love and memories. I did a good job. The preacher then spoke and worked many of my anecdotes into the service, but in a negative way (I mentioned never having seen them fight; when he spoke he made a point of saying "I guaranteed they fought. All married people fight."). I couldn't believe a so-called man of God would use my fond memories in that way. Guess I was naive.

        1. SayItWithWookies

          Hey, plagiarism is favorite hobby among those who have to come up with a sermon every week — he was just more blatant about it than most. And since the preacher's speaking for The LORD, and everything is for The LORD's glory, it's only fitting for the preacher to make everything about him. With God all things are possible, even the most cardinal of sins.

    4. Negropolis

      I've been to two funeral services, this year, two Baptist services, in fact, so it was even worse. I nearly walked out on both occassions only resisting out of respect for family. What was supposed to be a funeral service turned into a sermon each time, so much so, in fact, that all that was missing was the collection plate. At each service, the pastors rebuked the audeience for being too quiet and not buying his bullshit, as if we were there for fire-and-brimstone sermons on the loss of a loved one. It was offensive. My face was visibly scrunched up in disgust the entire time, and multiple folks remarked on how offensive the pastors were.

      Turn me to ashes, say a few words, and let everyone go. It was a reminder of how much I didn't like churches, and particularly baptist ones in the Southern tradition.

      1. SayItWithWookies

        I was able to restrain myself to only one outburst — a stage-whispered "Noooo! Not Paul!" when there was a reading from Romans. While standing up and screaming would have been entirely appropriate at that point, since my dear friend enjoyed the ritual of the church but abhorred its ridiculous doctrine, most of which Mr. Saul of Tarsus was responsible for, I kept the outrage under control.

        1. Negropolis

          At the second service, people actually walked out on the pastor, and stood out in the church lobby until the end of the thing. I can think of few things more rude than taking a funeral service and rebuking and insulting your audience because you don't have any goddamned self-control. Makes me mad just thinking about it. People are hear mourning, and here you are calling for your audience to be saved at that very moment lest you end up in hell. Save it for your Sunday service, bub.

      2. viennawoods13

        And then there's the barbarous practice of the funeral home visitation. I've been through that for both of my parents-in-law (my dad, bless his atheist soul, refused to have any form of funeral at all), and have informed my husband that there is no fucking way that I am going through that for him.

    5. viennawoods13

      I still remember experiencing a funeral for a 48 year old woman who had died of breast cancer, to be assured by the officiating minister that she had "won a great victory" over cancer by fucking dying. That was 21 years ago and I am still pissed off over that.

  35. Lot_49

    Because really, isn’t the study of history primarily about identifying who the Good Guys were and proving that the Bad Guys were cartoon supervillains?

    No, that's economics, a la Paul Ryan, Von Mises, Hayek, and Mr Andrea Mitchell–all the architects of our current predicament.

  36. cheetojeebus

    Texas circa 1974:
    a high school, Summer school World History class.
    The first day of Summer school.
    The Student: Excited to learn, looking forward to studying Ancient peoples and ways specially Asia…
    The teacher on the first day of class:
    " Everyone turn to the chapter headed The History of India and China, Now find the last page of this chapter. Okay everyone firmly grasp this chapter and starting at the top edge of your book tear it out. " Then he said some shit about heathens I didn't catch. Next was the chapter on the Communist revolution In Russia.
    My expectations plummeted and the course became a soul sucking grind.
    Fucking rat fucker had a flat top, i shit you not. You could smell the pomade across the room.

    1. tessiee

      I can think of very few more obvious indications of being completely out of touch with everything than wearing a flat-top in 1974.

  37. Chichikovovich

    dialectical materialism — that nothing but the material world exists and that material conditions alone (i.e. — the environment and economics) determine how a person thinks, acts, feels, and believes.

    For the record:
    Um, no. That's a (only mildly distorted) definition of materialism. Full stop. Long before Marx, it was advanced by Lucretius, Democritus, La Mettrie, and many many others. Dialectical materialism is a specific brand of this – in brief, that history is advanced by a material process dominated by class struggle.

    This is probably not even on the list of the 1000 baddest things in that chapter, but I just wanted to mention it.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Pet Peeve, eh? I understand completely.

      One of mine is the ascendance of the term "empathetic" over "empathic" – the term I prefer."Empathetic" may be correct but I think it looks Ugly and I feel "empathic" is closer to the root word "empathy"

      And… George Lucas will go straight to Hell for permanently destroying the critical difference between android and robot.

      And also – Octopi, squids and cuttlefish have eight arms not tentacles! Arms are muscular limbs and Tentacles are specially adapted muscular hydrostats. Of course, this argument is long lost and the term "Japanese Arm Hentai" just doesn't have the same cache'.

      What? Hey WAKE UP NOW DAMMIT YOU'RE SNORING!

    2. weejee

      history is advanced by a material process dominated by class struggle

      So your take also differs from the Jesse James form of Missouri Materialism which was argued with a Colt 45 revolver that was waved under the nose of a bank teller who was wetting their britches? The James Gang's approach not being so different really from today's Koch Bros. form of Materialism.

      1. Doktor Zoom

        I do rather want to see a western where the Lone Hegelian has one six-gun named "thesis" and another named "antithesis."

    3. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I rather doubt that Lucretius makes it into the text at all. Can't have the students thinking that rational thinking predated Christian fundie nonsense by a millenium or two.

      1. Chichikovovich

        Absolutely. And when Montaigne, and subsequently Diderot, Hume, Voltaire, Montesquieu, etc. started reading those guys it was a major spark for the Enlightenment. Don't want to make that mistake again!—

    1. Lot_49

      Like when he lived in London and his whole family had to stay in bed all day because they'd pawned their clothes to buy food. Good times!

  38. mavenmaven

    And let's not forget, home schooled children, that if it weren't for all these progressives and atheists, you could be serving Jesus by doing 12 hours shifts in a factory or mining coal! What a better world that would be for all!

  39. Angry_Marmot

    Judging from the gimp mask and leather daddy in that illustration, the Exotic Erotic Ball fizzled out not a year too soon.

  40. schvitzatura

    Kill a kulak for Papa Marx and Brother Engels (with votes?)!

    But seeing as this is Eastern OrthoXtian (with illuminated icons all Byzantine-y and whatnot), Catholics would approve, until the proles could be taken in under the loving wing of the Vatican…

  41. Callyson

    OT: off to phonebank for Obama. My panicked to hopeful emotional radar is tilted toward the latter, finally…

  42. weejee

    So let’s see if I got this straight. The Xtains don’t like the Commies because Harpo Marx and some guy named Engels, or Engelbert, or something, went on holiday to the Palinate or somewhere in Germany where they got arrested for running around with pitchforks and torches and saying Jebus was a socialist who loved the poorz and teh gheys. Is that about it?

  43. poorgradstudent

    Marx did rely on money from Engels, but he did actually do paying work as a journalist and worked as a political activist and organizer, albeit for his own organization and ideology. So by their own definition, Andrew Breitbart, Mona Chavez, and anyone else on "wingnut welfare" or who works for outfits like NewsMax have never "worked a day of their life" either.

    1. doloras

      I should also point out that Karl Marx did, in fact, work a "real job" for about three months – as a railway clerk. He was fired because his handwriting was terrible.

    2. Negropolis

      But, that's all community organizing (minus the journalistic work), which as we've bene told, is not a real job.

      1. decentcitizen

        I currently am a community organizer and i can tell the work's hard and the hours are long but at least the pay stinks. In other words, it's a real job!

  44. kakotechnia

    Marx’s adaptation of Hegel’s dialectical reasoning is often called dialectical materialism — that nothing but the material world exists and that material conditions alone (i.e. — the environment and economics) determine how a person thinks, acts, feels, and believes.

    In my commie classroom, the view expressed above was "often called" vulgar Marxism.

  45. ttommyunger

    Sandy is going to look like a summer shower compared to the shit-storm coming. The weather Tuesday is calling for an Obama landslide completely burying Romney on Bullshit Mountain. I think it will be too large a win for them to steal. On topic: not sure kids will be buying this tripe with the google at their fingertips. Never has so much information been readily available to so many so effortlessly.

    1. Negropolis

      I'm both worried and enthused. I've never seen polling so divergent in a presidential race. One is showing a ground-out Obama victory, perhaps even losing the popular vote. Another model is showing a blow-out in the college and a similar popular vote margin as what Obama beat McCain by. So, either the electorate will look like 2000 and 2004, which my gut tells me can't be possible, unless angry, white Republicans are really going to come out like that, or more likely, it'll look more like 2008.

      1. ttommyunger

        Romney is simply unlikeable. He will get the shitkicker,racist and hard-core Party vote (about 40% of the American Electorate) but I don't believe Dims and Independents will be swayed by him. Dims will vote for O and the fact that ALL trends are improving (economy, jobs, wars) will make even the disappointed I's reluctant to change horses, just as they were during Clinton's second run. The wild card: Electronic Voting Theft.

        1. sullivanst

          Fun story. A local Republican party bigwig, who shall remain nameless, has kids our kids all went to school with. Our youngest is still at high school, and so's his. Apparently he told his kids they should vote for BO.

          Perhaps he's feeling college costs, even with the American Opportunity Tax Credit, without which I'm pretty sure we wouldn't be able to give our kids the education they deserve.

          EV theft was something the wingnuts talked a lot about in '08. Needless to say, didn't happen. Uh duh, you said electronic, not electoral. That's different, never mind.

  46. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "Marx claimed that economics, not religion, was the greatest driving force in history."

    By treating their economic theories as a religion six days a week, and worshipping capitalist Jeebus on Sundays, modern Republicans seem to have sidestepped this debate entirely. It's brilliant. Fucked-up beyond belief, of course, but still brilliant.

    1. C_R_Eature

      Holy shit! Democracy Marches on in the Middle East and all without The Project for a New American Century's help.

      Hang on kids, it's going to get bumpy.

          1. C_R_Eature

            Ohhh,Man! Thanks! I have found the most amazing things on YouTube. It's not all nut shots.

            BTW: I Was Wrong!"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
            was Bette Davis in 1950's All About Eve. I had to look it up, it was bugging me.

            AND ALSO: Thd Brazilian Invasion has commenced apace. I'm trying to wrangle some seafood recipes out of them.

    2. Doktor Zoom

      Wow. Teared up a little at the photo of a protester helping a cop who'd been affected by gas.

      Keep that image in mind for the next time someone tries to tell you Christians have a monopoly on compassion and decency.

    3. viennawoods13

      Wow. and yet nothing- NOTHING on HuffPo. What the hell? I know it's not like a real news site these days, but you'd think they could at least mention it.

    1. snowpointsecret

      It amazes me how they're taking a Susquehanna poll seriously on the right. I mean Obama actually gained ground over Susquehanna's last poll, amazingly enough…

      That one in Michigan's weird too, nothing else is within 5 points of it. They'll be in for a surprise on Tuesday, that's for sure. The one in Michigan's not on Silver's site yet but it's a Foster, Baydoun one with Romney up 1 there. Typical for their polls, really…

  47. BloviateMe

    Last week, as the Blov family sat around the table (with my 18 year old daughter partaking in her first election, yay!), I finished my third 7 & 7, dropped the ballots in the mail slot, and ensured an Obama victory for Oregon. You have my personal guarantee.

    Now it's up to you kids, with your primitive insistence on lines and voting stations to do your part.

    1. Mittaplasia

      I mailed mine 2 weeks ago and proudly announce that the great state of California casts its 55 electoral votes for our president, back by popular demand along with his trusty sidekick, Handsome Joe.

      …and there was much rejoicing! Yaaaaay!

  48. snowpointsecret

    Marx claimed that economics, not religion, was the greatest driving force in history.

    See, if Romney had just pushed religion more and not the economy, he'd be way ahead!

  49. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    Alright…I'll just go and say it. One of Martin Luther's most resonant complaints against the Papacy was that they existed as a barrier between worshippers and god. Instead of having a priest read the bible, people should read it for themselves and Luther's idea of church was as a community center. What I'm saying is the whole "Marx never worked in a day in his life" coming from the same people who lionize Jerry Falwell a man who spent his entire life making money from his paritioners. In fact, one could argue the big difference between these guys and the Catholics is they cut out the middle man of the heirarchy which makes sure each arm receives some money and just take it all in themselves while not exactly WORKING to earn anything. Major irony and one more thing, the whole "happy Christian" thing: the only people I see smiling are the preachers and we all know why: they make a lot of money for not doing anything per se. We'd all be smug and self satisfied if preaching 2 hours a day led to a giant mansion and a Bentley…

    1. An_Outhouse

      " Instead of having a priest read the bible, people should read it for themselves"

      That worked out real well.

  50. An_Outhouse

    I never studied Marx and am often confused by the jargon that various Marxists employ to beat each other up with but I have to say, Marx and Engels came up with a pretty good list.

  51. Mittaplasia

    When I first saw the picture, I thought this was going to be a sermon on the harmful effects of second-hand smoke.

  52. kakotechnia

    Obviously Marx did not understand Christianity at all, for though the Christian does indeed look forward to eternity in Heaven, he knows that God wants men to do their duty in this life to hold back the forces of evil, and that only a person who is in the will of God can know true happiness in this life.

    I'm pretty sure that's exactly how Marx understood Christian ideology. He just presumed this "holding back the forces of evil" and finding in God "true happiness in this life" was a self-inflicted cock-punching fantasy to paste over your labor alienation.

    They don't know that they're doing it, but they're doing it.

  53. WhatTheHeck

    Come to think o f it, listening to jazz does make me pour a glass of single malt whisky. For a long time now, I suspected Jazz was an opiate. Now I know. Thanks for the confirmation, Dok.

        1. WhatTheHeck

          These are not the Brazilian crabs you are looking for.
          But some can be caught with a Brazilian G string.

  54. Guppy

    First off, the Greek alphabet already reduces me to trying to sound out words like a second-grader. Spare me the Cyrillic!

    religious modernists of Germany who denied the deity of Christ

    This in spite of the clear quotes from Jesus saying "I'm God" in the Gospel of… um… er… It's tradition, at any rate! And Sacred Tradition is just as important as the text of the Bible! We're told this by… well, by the the papist church.

    Fuck.

    Like Marx, Engels believed that mankind is the pinnacle of biological and social evolution and constitutes the only “deity”

    In contrast, the 2012 GOP Platform recognizes the God of Abraham as well as Mammon.

    the abolition of private property and inheritance rights;

    Primogeniture was already dead in Jesus' Own United States well before 1848. Hell, the fact that the US was "more progressive than thou" is the very reason why it's one of the few places that didn't have a revolution in 1848 to begin with.

    He and his wife and their six children lived in a squalid London apartment

    19th Century London was Big Rock Candy Mountain for everyone else.

    his wife helplessly watched three of their children die in infancy without proper food and medical care

    Were there no prisons? Weren't the Union workhouses still in operation?

        1. Guppy

          You're thinking of trolls. The diet of spammers consists mostly of clicks, not comments.

          Do they have Spam in Brazil? What's "Spam" in Portuguese? Is there fish in Brazilian Spam? If Hormel set up a Spam factory in Brazil, would Lula try to nationalize it?

        2. C_R_Eature

          Hey, they'll keep coming back anyway. As long as they're here, I might as well have a bit of fun and get some tasty seafood recipes from them.
          Who knows, if I play my cards right we all could get some Titty Shots.

  55. decentcitizen

    I think some Christians attack totalitarian gov'ts who claim communism as it's easier than undermining the valid criticisms of capitalism that existed for as long as capitalism has existed. It's the same as defending American democracy although we aren't actually a democracy.

  56. Guppy

    Actually, C_R_Eature brings up a valid point: I've been less than impressed with the Chilean farmed salmon I've got in my freezer. Would I be better off buying fish that spoke Portuguese?

  57. oenspiek

    Hey, I deny the 'divinity' of 'Jesus Christ', even if such an individual ever existed in real life at all. Does that mean I can be a cartoon supervillain, too? Because, you know, that would be really kewl.

  58. ExecutorElassus

    Wait, there's been sexing in the comments? Shit, I'm missing out!

    You guys, srsly: I'm lonely and have low self-esteem, so I'll do whatever degrading thing you want! Just say the word!

      1. FeloniousMonk

        There are …perks… to cleaning windows. Unless this is a euphemism I don't know for something so vile, so… when do I start?

    1. Blueb4sinrise

      Voting for Romney/Ryan is probably the most degrading thing possible in the near future. Wouldn't ask anyone to do that.

  59. phillipmarlowe2terry

    The Beatitudes;
    Capitalism version (Matthew 5)
    “Blessed are the poor in spirit,*
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven

    Communist Version (Luke 6:20)
    “Blessed are you who are poor,*
    for the kingdom of God is yours.

  60. DustyBowlBlues

    These fuckers piss me off the most. And right now, it's about ME. I'm watching the SuperHopey movie and making pies for the big church fundraiser dinner. Just like I do every fucking election day. We need the money, since our preacher was in a newspaper and exposed as not hating the gays and that cost of us members, here in the Bibledustbowl where the "real" Xians are.

    So I'm pissed as hell that I'll make my regular 14 or so pies and 20lbs, of cole slaw and believe the crap that Jesus says and these douches have the audacity to claim the Xian identity as theirs alone.

    So come Tuesday, I'll be up in my Sunday School trying to get radio reception. And the kind of morons who wrote this egregiously fake history book will have already begun prepping the update, "How Romney was too liberal and too Mormon to beat the mixed-race president."

    I hate these brain-washing, little dick bullies.

    1. decentcitizen

      Dustbowl, I sympathize. I spent mt first forty years in OK (part of it practicing law). I know the unforgivable sin in an OK church is insufficient hatred of the gheys. Some churches have no other doctrine than this. It'll be a surprise to these ghey-haters when they don't get raptured up, and have to spend time in the Tribulation complaining about affirmative action.

  61. Negropolis

    You see, Black Jesus brings hope to the masses like this, while White Jesus brings hope to the masses like that. Amirite; can I get a witness?

    1. boskolives

      Every photograph I've seen of Jesus shows him as a white guy with blonde hair and blue eyes, just like most of the Jewish folk of his time, and those who live in Beverly Hills today.

  62. Slim_Pickins

    I'm still trying to get my mind (or what remains of it) around the fact that conception transforms a rapist into an agent of god.

    1. Negropolis

      Well, God did coerce Mary into sexytime that brought the most awesome blessing, the baby Jesus, and she accepted it, because who the hell tells God no, right?

  63. Negropolis

    The death of Karl's children has nothing to do with the insanely high mortality rates of children at the time, right? I mean, if he'd just toiled away in a factory, his children would have totally been immune to communicable diseases that we barely understood and had very little protection against, right?

    It always, always goes back to the idea that poverty is a self-brought Biblical curse. That's right, poverty is nothing but the product of sloth and other personal, moral failures. They truly believe this shit.

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