like taking candy from a baby

Fox News Pedobear Steals Children’s Candy To Teach Valuable Lesson About Kenyan-Islamo-Socialism

Oh conservative blogger and Fox News contributor Steven Crowder, Pedobear, really? That is how you are dressed while you steal children’s candy to “redistribute” it to make your waggish point about taxes = theft or whatever your bullshit is today? Sadface, Steven Crowder. Sadface! But let us get on to the “meat” of your “argument.” Is it as clever and hilarious as your thing about Batman? (No. Nothing could ever be as hilarious as that — except the time you went all icky about finally porking your bride after you were like a 30-year-old virgin or something, which was the funniest thing in the world. (Oh, that one was you being sincere about how superior the two of you were to all those lusty drunky fornicators? Our “bad.”)

Anyway, good luck with your not-at-all radical fundamentalist extremist push to remove progressive taxation from the United States! Because that is a VERY popular cause among Americans of all stripes, and not just the 20 percent of Bircher loons who will vote for ANYTHING. (Our favorite example of the 20 percent loon rule is when, after the 2000 Florida debacle, California had a ballot initiative stating that all legally cast votes must be counted. Twenty percent voted no!)

Once you get as many people agreeing with you on taxing millionaires less as believe in demonic possession, then maybe we’ll start to worry. Till then, have fun making children weep!

[RawStory]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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148 comments

          1. Gleem McShineys

            You'll be able to answer that yourself, when Dick comes down your chimney in the dark of night in the middle of winter, to leave your family gifts.

    1. MosesInvests

      "Santa Claus wears a red suit-he's a Communist.
      Has a beard and long hair-must be a pacifist.
      What's in that pipe he's smoking?"
      -Arlo Guthrie

  1. noodlesalad

    How many parents let their kids trick or treat out of the back of a truck from this freak? I couldn't watch the whole thing, do the cops finally show up at the end?

  2. Terry

    The best way that video could have ended would have been if two cops walked up to ask him what he was doing luring children to a truck with candy.

  3. FakaktaSouth

    I am as disgusted by this as I am by the fact that all the damned trick or treat pumpkins in this house already have nothing in 'em but Tootsie Rolls and Laffy Taffy. What the fuck IS THAT anyway? Take this Laffy Taffy, Steve you idiot and just, shut up.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        That's why I said all he could have was Laffy Taffy – I am totally gonna eat the Tootsie Rolls.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Mmmm, two of my favorites. What say I come over to your house, you can sit on my lap, slowly unwrapping and feeding me each and every Laffy Taffy you have while reading me the riddles?

    2. Andrew Drinker

      I BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STOLE ALL THE MR. GOODBARS.

      And that is my demonstration of why we should give "job creators" tax breaks and everyone else should pay their fair share.

      ENJOY YOUR NECCO WAFERS.

  4. Goonemeritus

    Halloween children who threaten you with an unspecified trick if you don’t give in to their ever greedier requests for treats are just like the 1%.

  5. Lot_49

    My God—sharing with those who have less. These people will do anything! Those kids worked for that candy.

    No wait, it was just given to them. In fact they begged for a handout from the authorities/government/parents.

    There's a lesson here somewhere. Oh yeah: Obama is sozialist!

    1. StillGoinGreen

      I actually had a kid show up at my door with a shirt on that said "DEMOCRAT" on the front of it. He said, "Trick or Treat, can I have a handout?!" He had the cutest little smile (Kinda like Mitten's little smirk), until I said, "Sorry, kid, I'm a Republican, no handouts for you!" and shut the door. I found out later that it was a setup from one of my buddies in the neighborhood and the kid was his next door neighbor's nephew – they all fell out at my response!

  6. StillGoinGreen

    I don't know if my batteries are low on my snarkometer, or if my Vicodin just hasn't mixed with my whiskey and coffee yet this morning, but I really want to cut a motherfucker today! I guess it's just because it's so late in the election cycle, but I HATE CONSERVATARDS even more than usual right now.

    1. SigDeFlyinMonky

      You remind me of the time I was asked, "Do you have a straight razor? You look like someone who carries a straight razor." I told him "The hell with that! I carry a filet knife with a nine inch blade."

  7. Disassembly

    Here's a fun experiment! Give all your candy to the first two children who show up at the door. When the others arrive, give them each one Skittle and tell them Obama wants to take it away.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      Or give it to the big, fat, bully kid in the neighborhood, then tell all the other kids to wait for it to "trickle down" from him. I'm quite sure he will share the spoils… won't he?

  8. mbobier

    Well, this little video actually makes about as much sense as the GOP's entire economic argument, so….

  9. Lascauxcaveman

    You get anywhere near my kids Steve, I will fucking punch you in the throat, you furry freak. You've been warned.

  10. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Good lesson about the downside of Communism, maybe. Regarding progressive taxation, ehh, not so much. Not to worry — I suspect the kids are smarter than this fuckwit.

  11. Aridzona

    I couldn't help but Snicker. Where is this guy from, Mars? This is what he does to earn his Payday? Some people feel like a nut . . . some people don't.

    1. UnholyMoses

      He's got Mounds of stupid, yet makes A Hundred Grand and probably asked a kid to touch his Watchyamacallit.

  12. Beowoof

    Jeebus, take away the roads that this ignorant asshole drives and see how he likes the socialism then.

  13. freakishlywrong

    Have the congressional Republicans demanded that the candy change it's tone and removed from public knowledge?

  14. UnholyMoses

    The more accurate way to do this:

    Have 100 kids come by.

    Give 1 of them 70% of your candy.

    Give another 3 of them 10%

    Give another 6 of them 5%.

    Give the remaining 90 kids 15% of your candy.

    Now have the 1 kid who got 70% start bitching about how those 90 kids are just lazy and useless and deserve to only get a single Skittle each.

    And then have about 40 of those 90 kids agree with that one kid.

    That's our entire economic and political systems in a nutshell.

    Fucked up, ain't it?

  15. SorosBot

    Well it's not like the rich get any benefit from government or anything, like say protection from getting the full Louis XVI / Nicholas II treatment.

    1. BadKitty904

      Well, powder my wig and call me Robespierre, but I say many of the 1%ers would benefit enormously from a shave by the National Razor…

    1. BadKitty904

      It's trite, juvenile, moronic – yup, I'm sure he's heartbroken someone's cutting in on his turf.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      He likes to play dress-up, doesn't he? If he had any musical talent, he'd fit right in with the next revival of The Village People.

  16. Oblios_Cap

    If he had wanted to do it right, he should have used the "Willard Laugh" as he was taking their candy. That would have required that the kids have years of therapy.

  17. mittaplasia

    Republicans brainwashing trick-or-treaters by stealing their candy? How low can you go? On November 6, we have to find a way of shutting that whole thing down…VOTE!

  18. SorosBot

    Oh god, I just read all of his abstinence article and now want to puke. I also want to punch the douche for, in 20-fucking-12, calling the 99% of women who have sex without a silly ceremony "floozies" and "harlots". Steven Crowder is a misogynistic prudish asshead who deserves a swift kick in the balls. Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.

    1. SideshowSlob

      I started getting angry, but I think I really just feel sorry for him. The amount of projection & justification in there is just…embarassing.

      1. SorosBot

        It's amazing. And he claims the marriage night sex was the best ever, which he knows how? What is there to compare it to? And note that he says nothing about his wife, she's just an object in the story of his marriage.

        And this guy claims to be a comedian? Really? There is nothing intentionally funny in that piece, although it is hilarious.

          1. SorosBot

            Probably the fact that she was willing to marry him without taking him for a test drive first. And you can bet she didn't enjoy herself; not only would he be completely clueless, like a virgin touching for the very first time, but woman-hating douchebags like him usually refuse to even try and find the clitoris, much less know what to do with it.

    2. elviouslyqueer

      His "wife" (still not used to that) must be so very proud of knowing that she married a totally self-absorbed, navel gazing, pedantic shithole.

  19. GregComlish

    Fuck kids and Fuck Halloween, they are just walking door to door to get handouts like the rest of 47% to which they belong.

  20. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    We are obviously raising kids wrong these days. I know this because not one of them punched that guy in the nuts.

    1. HistoriCat

      At least not while the cameras were rolling. Maybe our children is learning to wait until you're not being recorded.

  21. Mittaplasia

    I prefer the old school bears who would just maul you and get it done. These new bears will just torment you until you beg to be put out of your misery.

  22. hagajim

    But the Gubmint didn't give those kids candy! It was those taxpayers like me who went out and spent their own money to try and ruin the little rat bastards' mommies and daddies dentist bill. So obviously they didn't build it…I did!

  23. coolhandnuke

    Let's teach the kiddies a more useful lesson, the Stand Your Ground Halloween Act. Dress 'em in hoodies and when Crowder tries to steal their skittles have them go Karate Kid on his groin area region.

  24. AngryBlakGuy

    …holy shyt, can someone please hit this shyt piñata with a shovel please!!! I love the hyper-simplification of fiscal policy! Yeah, candy and taxes are the exact god-damn thing! Obviously "candy" is used to support our infrastructure and social programs.

  25. Come here a minute

    Look on the bright side — at least Fox News contributor Steven "Pedobear" Crowder was teaching the kids the GOP tax policies and not their rape policies.

  26. TheMightyHaltor

    I actually think this video makes it's point very well: The 1% are on the same intellectual and emotional plane as a whiny six year old.

  27. FieryLocks

    You know these kids were totally coached to do this and the dead give away was the little kid saying, "I worked hard for that candy!"
    What fucking kid says that? Give me a break.

  28. ttommyunger

    So this is what it's come down to? I'm betting the Rightards are high-fiving each other over this skit. Genius, just fucking genius! Who comes up with this shit, that's what I want to know?

  29. stopthemovie

    Stupid kids, your supposed to put your candy in an offshore account before showing up at the furry revenewers tailgate. Then you get to keep your candy and get some from the others.

  30. PhilippePetain

    Haha, man, reading that article in which he brags about not being a virgin… I mean, I know he's supposed to be feeling all superior because supposedly we're all these naysayers and think he's a jerk for waiting until he's married, but man, honestly, my only thought was "Hey, that's great! These people sound happy, and it's awesome that they're doing it their way." Who doesn't feel somewhat happy for a newly married couple, even if they're partisan hacks with no sense of humor?

    These people just have this concrete mindset of how the world is and how it perceives them, and it just isn't that way. I have a feeling that this may be one of the fundamental disconnects they have with things that makes them so completely wrong all of the time.

  31. HarryButtle

    Let's try the experiment this way:

    Ask each kid if he'd give up a handful of candy that will be given to kids who are unable to trick or treat because they're disabled or sick or their neighborhood just got blown off the face of the map by a hurricane. Betcha get plenty of candy to "redistribute."

    Jeebus, I never thought I'd see the day when half the fucking country would agree that teaching our kids to SHARE was a bad thing.

  32. Gleem McShineys

    Why didn't he dress up as Mitt Romney, and promise the kids he'll let the ones with more candy than everyone keep it all, and also simultaneously be able to give the fattest kid even more of the candy he takes away, and also not take candy because he has plans to change the formula for candy taking.

    The kids will totally understand!

    Mostly by saying "this guy shouldn't be in charge of anything, not even candy distribution," but still.

  33. Nostrildamus

    I can't picture Donald Trump or Steve Forbes being as mature as those kids about having their candy taken away.

  34. bargal20

    Actually, Crowder is dressed as a monkey, not a bear. Somehow people missed that bit of totally not-racist genius humor.

  35. elfgoldsackring

    "Hey, great Halloween Pedobear costume, Steve! Good job!"

    "Oh, is that today? I mean, right, thanks."

  36. Roger_of_Arabia

    If you watch Stevie's tribute to Detroit, he begins it in front of the Michigan Central Station and repeatedly shows that delapidated hulk throughout the segment, but MCS stands for exactly the opposite of Crowder's point. MCS is privately owned by billionaire Matty Maroun's company which also owns the Ambassador Bridge between Detroit and Windsor, Ontario. Maroun wanted the city and state to pay to fix the building up for him. I thought that private industry was magic and made everything wonderful. But then again, Maroun is an Arab, so Fox can hate him for that.

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