LIKE TAKING CANDY FROM A BABY  11:28 am November 2, 2012

Fox News Pedobear Steals Children’s Candy To Teach Valuable Lesson About Kenyan-Islamo-Socialism

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Oh conservative blogger and Fox News contributor Steven Crowder, Pedobear, really? That is how you are dressed while you steal children’s candy to “redistribute” it to make your waggish point about taxes = theft or whatever your bullshit is today? Sadface, Steven Crowder. Sadface! But let us get on to the “meat” of your “argument.” Is it as clever and hilarious as your thing about Batman? (No. Nothing could ever be as hilarious as that — except the time you went all icky about finally porking your bride after you were like a 30-year-old virgin or something, which was the funniest thing in the world. (Oh, that one was you being sincere about how superior the two of you were to all those lusty drunky fornicators? Our “bad.”)

Anyway, good luck with your not-at-all radical fundamentalist extremist push to remove progressive taxation from the United States! Because that is a VERY popular cause among Americans of all stripes, and not just the 20 percent of Bircher loons who will vote for ANYTHING. (Our favorite example of the 20 percent loon rule is when, after the 2000 Florida debacle, California had a ballot initiative stating that all legally cast votes must be counted. Twenty percent voted no!)

Once you get as many people agreeing with you on taxing millionaires less as believe in demonic possession, then maybe we’ll start to worry. Till then, have fun making children weep!

[RawStory]

 
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{ 148 comments }

Barbara_ November 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

I can't wait until he shows up to Macy's on Black Friday, shouting, "Santa Claus is dead!"

RedneckMuslin November 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

Santa Claus is Dead!!???

weejee November 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

He lost a 2nd Amendment argument with Dick Cheney.

BoatOfVelociraptors November 2, 2012 at 11:59 am

Is that a problem, or a solution?

Gleem McShineys November 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm

You'll be able to answer that yourself, when Dick comes down your chimney in the dark of night in the middle of winter, to leave your family gifts.

MosesInvests November 2, 2012 at 12:05 pm

"Santa Claus wears a red suit-he's a Communist.
Has a beard and long hair-must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe he's smoking?"
-Arlo Guthrie

Loch_Nessosaur November 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

After this he was going to a furry convention.

LesBontemps November 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm

As if a furry convention wasn't icky enough.

redarmyzombie November 2, 2012 at 5:11 pm

FURRY LIBEL!

noodlesalad November 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

How many parents let their kids trick or treat out of the back of a truck from this freak? I couldn't watch the whole thing, do the cops finally show up at the end?

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

He handed out gummy penises.

But he had only one, so they had to line up for a nibble.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Schwanz libel!

DerrickWildcat November 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

I gave away Toilet paper, soap and eggs to treaters on the condition that they only use it on houses with Romney signs.

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

Was the toilet paper unused? If it wasn't perhaps this could help the blind to find Romney voters, as if their usual stench isn't enough.

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I gave the kids cigarettes.

BaldarTFlagass November 2, 2012 at 12:05 pm

So, did you find some work? Perhaps with R.J. Reynolds?

Toomush_Infer November 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

Um, these kids have it right – stealing is wrong! Look out , one percenters!…..

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:47 am

Oddly enough, they get the whole "sharing" thing better than a grown-up wearing a fucking costume.

ChillBill November 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

God, I truly hate these witless, predictable, unoriginal fucking morons.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

And those are their good traits.

kyeshinka November 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Originality has a liberal bias.

nounverb911 November 2, 2012 at 11:34 am

I surprised a second amendment loving parent didn't second amendment the fox news guy.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

Stand Your Pumpkin

Terry November 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

The best way that video could have ended would have been if two cops walked up to ask him what he was doing luring children to a truck with candy.

Gleem McShineys November 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm

And secretly videotaping them.

OneYieldRegular November 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm

It is so not surprising that this creep has hidden cameras in the back of his van.

FakaktaSouth November 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

I am as disgusted by this as I am by the fact that all the damned trick or treat pumpkins in this house already have nothing in 'em but Tootsie Rolls and Laffy Taffy. What the fuck IS THAT anyway? Take this Laffy Taffy, Steve you idiot and just, shut up.

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

Tootsie Roll Libel!!

FakaktaSouth November 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

That's why I said all he could have was Laffy Taffy – I am totally gonna eat the Tootsie Rolls.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

You like-a the chocolate, huh?

Lascauxcaveman November 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Mmmm, two of my favorites. What say I come over to your house, you can sit on my lap, slowly unwrapping and feeding me each and every Laffy Taffy you have while reading me the riddles?

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

While she smokes a candy cigarette?

Dude…

LesBontemps November 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap&etc.

HistoriCat November 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Are you trying to give prommie an aneurysm?

MissTaken November 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Laffy Taffy sucks ass. And so do their 'jokes'.

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Mini Snickers of GTFO!

Andrew Drinker November 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STOLE ALL THE MR. GOODBARS.

And that is my demonstration of why we should give "job creators" tax breaks and everyone else should pay their fair share.

ENJOY YOUR NECCO WAFERS.

Goonemeritus November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Halloween children who threaten you with an unspecified trick if you don’t give in to their ever greedier requests for treats are just like the 1%.

UnholyMoses November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

"Now show us in the tax code where that mean, bad government touched you … "

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Gaming the vote count is as easy as stealing candy from a ….eh, nevermind

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Dang. Are the wingnuts starting to implode as Election Day draws near?

YasserArraFeck November 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

One can only hope……

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

It seems. Binge politicos have to knock it off at some point.

Andrew Drinker November 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

As a matter of fact, yes.

When wingnuts start calling Nate Silver a partisan hack because they don't like his numbers, that's a sign of impending implosion.

AlterNewt November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Counting the hours now.

Lot_49 November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

My God—sharing with those who have less. These people will do anything! Those kids worked for that candy.

No wait, it was just given to them. In fact they begged for a handout from the authorities/government/parents.

There's a lesson here somewhere. Oh yeah: Obama is sozialist!

LesBontemps November 2, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Black and Muslim, also too.

StillGoinGreen November 2, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I actually had a kid show up at my door with a shirt on that said "DEMOCRAT" on the front of it. He said, "Trick or Treat, can I have a handout?!" He had the cutest little smile (Kinda like Mitten's little smirk), until I said, "Sorry, kid, I'm a Republican, no handouts for you!" and shut the door. I found out later that it was a setup from one of my buddies in the neighborhood and the kid was his next door neighbor's nephew – they all fell out at my response!

UnholyMoses November 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Full. Of. Win.

bikerlaureate November 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Prepubescent morality is the most reliable guide for a civil society.

StillGoinGreen November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

I don't know if my batteries are low on my snarkometer, or if my Vicodin just hasn't mixed with my whiskey and coffee yet this morning, but I really want to cut a motherfucker today! I guess it's just because it's so late in the election cycle, but I HATE CONSERVATARDS even more than usual right now.

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I picked a bad day to quit sniffing glue.

StillGoinGreen November 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Echo, echo, ech…

Gleem McShineys November 2, 2012 at 1:11 pm

One tube for each nostril?

SigDeFlyinMonky November 2, 2012 at 12:28 pm

You remind me of the time I was asked, "Do you have a straight razor? You look like someone who carries a straight razor." I told him "The hell with that! I carry a filet knife with a nine inch blade."

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Your move, James O'Queef.

Disassembly November 2, 2012 at 11:36 am

Here's a fun experiment! Give all your candy to the first two children who show up at the door. When the others arrive, give them each one Skittle and tell them Obama wants to take it away.

StillGoinGreen November 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Or give it to the big, fat, bully kid in the neighborhood, then tell all the other kids to wait for it to "trickle down" from him. I'm quite sure he will share the spoils… won't he?

weejee November 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

What a Crowderhead. He thinks his asshat is a hole in the ground.

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

There must be a geoduck joke in here somewhere, I just can't find it.

mbobier November 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

Well, this little video actually makes about as much sense as the GOP's entire economic argument, so….

FNMA November 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

There's a Jerry Sandusky joke to be made here…

YasserArraFeck November 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

Hey kids, let me show you where your Happy Valley is……

UnholyMoses November 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

"Even been in a Penn State shower, Jimmy … ?"

nounverb911 November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

"Ever been in a State Pen shower, Jerry….?"

gullywompr November 2, 2012 at 11:39 am

Childish.

Lascauxcaveman November 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

You get anywhere near my kids Steve, I will fucking punch you in the throat, you furry freak. You've been warned.

smokefilledroommate November 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

…and all the kids walked home with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and an 8×10 of Megyn Kelly.

FNMA November 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

Only slightly stained…both of them.

Oblios_Cap November 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I'm surprised that he didn't try to be all cutesy and give them teabags.

smokefilledroommate November 2, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Or foodstamps.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

Good lesson about the downside of Communism, maybe. Regarding progressive taxation, ehh, not so much. Not to worry — I suspect the kids are smarter than this fuckwit.

Rober1y November 2, 2012 at 11:40 am

Is the takeaway that rich people are like children with candy?

smokefilledroommate November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

One of those kids shoulda kicked him in the balls.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

AND screamed for the cops.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

STRANGER DANGER!

AlterNewt November 2, 2012 at 12:14 pm

"I NEED AN ADULT…to kick this guy in the nuts."

Aridzona November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

I couldn't help but Snicker. Where is this guy from, Mars? This is what he does to earn his Payday? Some people feel like a nut . . . some people don't.

UnholyMoses November 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

He's got Mounds of stupid, yet makes A Hundred Grand and probably asked a kid to touch his Watchyamacallit.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

"But it's Fun Size!"

smokefilledroommate November 2, 2012 at 11:58 am

"I'll give you a Bit-O-Honey if you let me be your Sugar Daddy." What a Dum-Dum.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

O, Henry! That was clever!

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

The guy is a total Zero.

John Birf Society November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

When he registers as a sex offender, he can honestly say that he built that criminal record.

TootsStansbury November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

Df;tr (didn't finish too r3tarded)

freakishlywrong November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

I'm surprised the asshole didn't dress up as Benghazi.

Beowoof November 2, 2012 at 11:43 am

Jeebus, take away the roads that this ignorant asshole drives and see how he likes the socialism then.

freakishlywrong November 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

Have the congressional Republicans demanded that the candy change it's tone and removed from public knowledge?

UnholyMoses November 2, 2012 at 11:45 am

The more accurate way to do this:

Have 100 kids come by.

Give 1 of them 70% of your candy.

Give another 3 of them 10%

Give another 6 of them 5%.

Give the remaining 90 kids 15% of your candy.

Now have the 1 kid who got 70% start bitching about how those 90 kids are just lazy and useless and deserve to only get a single Skittle each.

And then have about 40 of those 90 kids agree with that one kid.

That's our entire economic and political systems in a nutshell.

Fucked up, ain't it?

oenspiek November 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

This would make a beautiful skit for the San Francisco Mime Troupe!

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

Well it's not like the rich get any benefit from government or anything, like say protection from getting the full Louis XVI / Nicholas II treatment.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

Well, powder my wig and call me Robespierre, but I say many of the 1%ers would benefit enormously from a shave by the National Razor…

AngryBlakGuy November 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

…let them eat cake, errr I mean candy!

LesBontemps November 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Ha — The Full Louis. We'll just take a little off the top.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:46 am

James O'Keefe weeps that he did not come up with this idea first

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

It's trite, juvenile, moronic – yup, I'm sure he's heartbroken someone's cutting in on his turf.

Lascauxcaveman November 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

He likes to play dress-up, doesn't he? If he had any musical talent, he'd fit right in with the next revival of The Village People.

TootsStansbury November 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

O'Queef, children, furry costume, candy, windowless van…NO. JUST NO.

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Was the van windowless? FFS. These people.

Oblios_Cap November 2, 2012 at 11:48 am

If he had wanted to do it right, he should have used the "Willard Laugh" as he was taking their candy. That would have required that the kids have years of therapy.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

HOLY FUCK! HE LOOKS DUMBER WITH THE HOOD OFF!

mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 11:49 am

Republicans brainwashing trick-or-treaters by stealing their candy? How low can you go? On November 6, we have to find a way of shutting that whole thing down…VOTE!

RufusTFirefly November 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

Share your candy, you whiny brats.

RufusTFirefly November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

You too, children.

coolhandnuke November 2, 2012 at 11:50 am

Someone should shove a candy apple up this guys tailpipe.
His truck could use one too.

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

Oh god, I just read all of his abstinence article and now want to puke. I also want to punch the douche for, in 20-fucking-12, calling the 99% of women who have sex without a silly ceremony "floozies" and "harlots". Steven Crowder is a misogynistic prudish asshead who deserves a swift kick in the balls. Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.

SideshowSlob November 2, 2012 at 11:54 am

I started getting angry, but I think I really just feel sorry for him. The amount of projection & justification in there is just…embarassing.

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

It's amazing. And he claims the marriage night sex was the best ever, which he knows how? What is there to compare it to? And note that he says nothing about his wife, she's just an object in the story of his marriage.

And this guy claims to be a comedian? Really? There is nothing intentionally funny in that piece, although it is hilarious.

Oblios_Cap November 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

She might have told him that she was a virgin, but how does he really know? Hmmm?

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Probably the fact that she was willing to marry him without taking him for a test drive first. And you can bet she didn't enjoy herself; not only would he be completely clueless, like a virgin touching for the very first time, but woman-hating douchebags like him usually refuse to even try and find the clitoris, much less know what to do with it.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 12:03 pm

I'm shocked he didn't call them slatterns.

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Trollops and roundheels also, too.

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm

His "wife" (still not used to that) must be so very proud of knowing that she married a totally self-absorbed, navel gazing, pedantic shithole.

Biff November 2, 2012 at 11:51 am

Oh for fuck's sake.

GregComlish November 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

Fuck kids and Fuck Halloween, they are just walking door to door to get handouts like the rest of 47% to which they belong.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

We are obviously raising kids wrong these days. I know this because not one of them punched that guy in the nuts.

HistoriCat November 2, 2012 at 1:39 pm

At least not while the cameras were rolling. Maybe our children is learning to wait until you're not being recorded.

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 11:55 am

I prefer the old school bears who would just maul you and get it done. These new bears will just torment you until you beg to be put out of your misery.

hagajim November 2, 2012 at 11:57 am

But the Gubmint didn't give those kids candy! It was those taxpayers like me who went out and spent their own money to try and ruin the little rat bastards' mommies and daddies dentist bill. So obviously they didn't build it…I did!

coolhandnuke November 2, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Let's teach the kiddies a more useful lesson, the Stand Your Ground Halloween Act. Dress 'em in hoodies and when Crowder tries to steal their skittles have them go Karate Kid on his groin area region.

AngryBlakGuy November 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

…holy shyt, can someone please hit this shyt piñata with a shovel please!!! I love the hyper-simplification of fiscal policy! Yeah, candy and taxes are the exact god-damn thing! Obviously "candy" is used to support our infrastructure and social programs.

mavenmaven November 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Essentially, they are saying the wealthy are children and crybabies.

iburl November 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

I supposed he edited out all the kids that said "OK, seems fair".

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:20 pm

My thoughts exactly. The kids who thought sharing was the right thing to do. You know, the kids who are being raised to not be sociopaths.

Oblios_Cap November 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

It appears that he "reports" like he "fucks".

Come here a minute November 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Look on the bright side — at least Fox News contributor Steven "Pedobear" Crowder was teaching the kids the GOP tax policies and not their rape policies.

ManchuCandidate November 2, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Silly Crowder, kids aren't for tricks.

TheMightyHaltor November 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

I actually think this video makes it's point very well: The 1% are on the same intellectual and emotional plane as a whiny six year old.

FieryLocks November 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

You know these kids were totally coached to do this and the dead give away was the little kid saying, "I worked hard for that candy!"
What fucking kid says that? Give me a break.

Come here a minute November 2, 2012 at 12:31 pm

They usually say, "I built this costume!"

bikerlaureate November 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm

"I got this candy myself, without any stupid liberals giving me a free handout!"

ttommyunger November 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm

So this is what it's come down to? I'm betting the Rightards are high-fiving each other over this skit. Genius, just fucking genius! Who comes up with this shit, that's what I want to know?

smokefilledroommate November 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Damn, all those kids were going to vote for Obama. Guess he showed them.

stopthemovie November 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Stupid kids, your supposed to put your candy in an offshore account before showing up at the furry revenewers tailgate. Then you get to keep your candy and get some from the others.

PhilippePetain November 2, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Haha, man, reading that article in which he brags about not being a virgin… I mean, I know he's supposed to be feeling all superior because supposedly we're all these naysayers and think he's a jerk for waiting until he's married, but man, honestly, my only thought was "Hey, that's great! These people sound happy, and it's awesome that they're doing it their way." Who doesn't feel somewhat happy for a newly married couple, even if they're partisan hacks with no sense of humor?

These people just have this concrete mindset of how the world is and how it perceives them, and it just isn't that way. I have a feeling that this may be one of the fundamental disconnects they have with things that makes them so completely wrong all of the time.

HarryButtle November 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Let's try the experiment this way:

Ask each kid if he'd give up a handful of candy that will be given to kids who are unable to trick or treat because they're disabled or sick or their neighborhood just got blown off the face of the map by a hurricane. Betcha get plenty of candy to "redistribute."

Jeebus, I never thought I'd see the day when half the fucking country would agree that teaching our kids to SHARE was a bad thing.

Gleem McShineys November 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Why didn't he dress up as Mitt Romney, and promise the kids he'll let the ones with more candy than everyone keep it all, and also simultaneously be able to give the fattest kid even more of the candy he takes away, and also not take candy because he has plans to change the formula for candy taking.

The kids will totally understand!

Mostly by saying "this guy shouldn't be in charge of anything, not even candy distribution," but still.

Nostrildamus November 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I can't picture Donald Trump or Steve Forbes being as mature as those kids about having their candy taken away.

lulzmonger November 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

STEVEN CROWDER = THE GRINCH WHO SHAT ON HALLOWE'EN.

PS: Yiff in hell, oxygen-thief.

Tommmcatt_Again November 2, 2012 at 10:53 pm

Hahaa "Yiff in Hell". Genius.

tigernole November 2, 2012 at 3:01 pm

it would have been funny if some teens came up to him and gave him a beatdown. What a choad.

Redgyal November 2, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Why are all of these people so mean? Sorry, rhetorical question.

bargal20 November 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm

Actually, Crowder is dressed as a monkey, not a bear. Somehow people missed that bit of totally not-racist genius humor.

elfgoldsackring November 2, 2012 at 9:45 pm

"Hey, great Halloween Pedobear costume, Steve! Good job!"

"Oh, is that today? I mean, right, thanks."

Roger_of_Arabia November 4, 2012 at 10:29 am

If you watch Stevie's tribute to Detroit, he begins it in front of the Michigan Central Station and repeatedly shows that delapidated hulk throughout the segment, but MCS stands for exactly the opposite of Crowder's point. MCS is privately owned by billionaire Matty Maroun's company which also owns the Ambassador Bridge between Detroit and Windsor, Ontario. Maroun wanted the city and state to pay to fix the building up for him. I thought that private industry was magic and made everything wonderful. But then again, Maroun is an Arab, so Fox can hate him for that.

horsedreamer_1 November 4, 2012 at 6:41 pm

Children, run away…. Run away from the man with the candy!

UnholyMoses November 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Clitoris?

To all too many men, it might as well be a unicorn.

Oblios_Cap November 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm

On the plus side for her, it was probably over very quickly.

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