like taking candy from a baby

Fox News Pedobear Steals Children’s Candy To Teach Valuable Lesson About Kenyan-Islamo-Socialism

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Oh conservative blogger and Fox News contributor Steven Crowder, Pedobear, really? That is how you are dressed while you steal children’s candy to “redistribute” it to make your waggish point about taxes = theft or whatever your bullshit is today? Sadface, Steven Crowder. Sadface! But let us get on to the “meat” of your “argument.” Is it as clever and hilarious as your thing about Batman? (No. Nothing could ever be as hilarious as that — except the time you went all icky about finally porking your bride after you were like a 30-year-old virgin or something, which was the funniest thing in the world. (Oh, that one was you being sincere about how superior the two of you were to all those lusty drunky fornicators? Our “bad.”)

Anyway, good luck with your not-at-all radical fundamentalist extremist push to remove progressive taxation from the United States! Because that is a VERY popular cause among Americans of all stripes, and not just the 20 percent of Bircher loons who will vote for ANYTHING. (Our favorite example of the 20 percent loon rule is when, after the 2000 Florida debacle, California had a ballot initiative stating that all legally cast votes must be counted. Twenty percent voted no!)

Once you get as many people agreeing with you on taxing millionaires less as believe in demonic possession, then maybe we’ll start to worry. Till then, have fun making children weep!

[RawStory]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Barbara_

    I can't wait until he shows up to Macy's on Black Friday, shouting, "Santa Claus is dead!"

    • RedneckMuslin

      Santa Claus is Dead!!???

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        He lost a 2nd Amendment argument with Dick Cheney.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          Is that a problem, or a solution?

          • Gleem McShineys

            You'll be able to answer that yourself, when Dick comes down your chimney in the dark of night in the middle of winter, to leave your family gifts.

    • MosesInvests

      "Santa Claus wears a red suit-he's a Communist.
      Has a beard and long hair-must be a pacifist.
      What's in that pipe he's smoking?"
      -Arlo Guthrie

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    After this he was going to a furry convention.

    • LesBontemps

      As if a furry convention wasn't icky enough.

    • redarmyzombie

      FURRY LIBEL!

  • noodlesalad

    How many parents let their kids trick or treat out of the back of a truck from this freak? I couldn't watch the whole thing, do the cops finally show up at the end?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      He handed out gummy penises.

      But he had only one, so they had to line up for a nibble.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Schwanz libel!

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    I gave away Toilet paper, soap and eggs to treaters on the condition that they only use it on houses with Romney signs.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Was the toilet paper unused? If it wasn't perhaps this could help the blind to find Romney voters, as if their usual stench isn't enough.

    • SorosBot

      I gave the kids cigarettes.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        So, did you find some work? Perhaps with R.J. Reynolds?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Um, these kids have it right – stealing is wrong! Look out , one percenters!…..

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Oddly enough, they get the whole "sharing" thing better than a grown-up wearing a fucking costume.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    God, I truly hate these witless, predictable, unoriginal fucking morons.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      And those are their good traits.

    • kyeshinka

      Originality has a liberal bias.

  • nounverb911

    I surprised a second amendment loving parent didn't second amendment the fox news guy.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Stand Your Pumpkin

  • Terry

    The best way that video could have ended would have been if two cops walked up to ask him what he was doing luring children to a truck with candy.

    • Gleem McShineys

      And secretly videotaping them.

    • OneYieldRegular

      It is so not surprising that this creep has hidden cameras in the back of his van.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I am as disgusted by this as I am by the fact that all the damned trick or treat pumpkins in this house already have nothing in 'em but Tootsie Rolls and Laffy Taffy. What the fuck IS THAT anyway? Take this Laffy Taffy, Steve you idiot and just, shut up.

    • UW8316154

      Tootsie Roll Libel!!

      • FakaktaSouth

        That's why I said all he could have was Laffy Taffy – I am totally gonna eat the Tootsie Rolls.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          You like-a the chocolate, huh?

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Mmmm, two of my favorites. What say I come over to your house, you can sit on my lap, slowly unwrapping and feeding me each and every Laffy Taffy you have while reading me the riddles?

      • thatsitfortheother1

        While she smokes a candy cigarette?

        Dude…

        • LesBontemps

          fapfapfapfapfapfapfapfapfap&etc.

      • HistoriCat

        Are you trying to give prommie an aneurysm?

    • MissTaken

      Laffy Taffy sucks ass. And so do their 'jokes'.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Mini Snickers of GTFO!

    • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

      I BROKE INTO YOUR HOUSE AND STOLE ALL THE MR. GOODBARS.

      And that is my demonstration of why we should give "job creators" tax breaks and everyone else should pay their fair share.

      ENJOY YOUR NECCO WAFERS.

  • Goonemeritus

    Halloween children who threaten you with an unspecified trick if you don’t give in to their ever greedier requests for treats are just like the 1%.

  • UnholyMoses

    "Now show us in the tax code where that mean, bad government touched you … "

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Gaming the vote count is as easy as stealing candy from a ….eh, nevermind

  • BadKitty904

    Dang. Are the wingnuts starting to implode as Election Day draws near?

    • YasserArraFeck

      One can only hope……

    • thatsitfortheother1

      It seems. Binge politicos have to knock it off at some point.

    • http://tonguepunch.insanejournal.com/ Andrew Drinker

      As a matter of fact, yes.

      When wingnuts start calling Nate Silver a partisan hack because they don't like his numbers, that's a sign of impending implosion.

  • AlterNewt

    Counting the hours now.

  • Lot_49

    My God—sharing with those who have less. These people will do anything! Those kids worked for that candy.

    No wait, it was just given to them. In fact they begged for a handout from the authorities/government/parents.

    There's a lesson here somewhere. Oh yeah: Obama is sozialist!

    • LesBontemps

      Black and Muslim, also too.

    • StillGoinGreen

      I actually had a kid show up at my door with a shirt on that said "DEMOCRAT" on the front of it. He said, "Trick or Treat, can I have a handout?!" He had the cutest little smile (Kinda like Mitten's little smirk), until I said, "Sorry, kid, I'm a Republican, no handouts for you!" and shut the door. I found out later that it was a setup from one of my buddies in the neighborhood and the kid was his next door neighbor's nephew – they all fell out at my response!

      • UnholyMoses

        Full. Of. Win.

    • bikerlaureate

      Prepubescent morality is the most reliable guide for a civil society.

  • StillGoinGreen

    I don't know if my batteries are low on my snarkometer, or if my Vicodin just hasn't mixed with my whiskey and coffee yet this morning, but I really want to cut a motherfucker today! I guess it's just because it's so late in the election cycle, but I HATE CONSERVATARDS even more than usual right now.

    • Mittaplasia

      I picked a bad day to quit sniffing glue.

      • StillGoinGreen

        Echo, echo, ech…

      • Gleem McShineys

        One tube for each nostril?

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      You remind me of the time I was asked, "Do you have a straight razor? You look like someone who carries a straight razor." I told him "The hell with that! I carry a filet knife with a nine inch blade."

  • elviouslyqueer

    Your move, James O'Queef.

  • Disassembly

    Here's a fun experiment! Give all your candy to the first two children who show up at the door. When the others arrive, give them each one Skittle and tell them Obama wants to take it away.

    • StillGoinGreen

      Or give it to the big, fat, bully kid in the neighborhood, then tell all the other kids to wait for it to "trickle down" from him. I'm quite sure he will share the spoils… won't he?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    What a Crowderhead. He thinks his asshat is a hole in the ground.

    • eggsacklywright

      There must be a geoduck joke in here somewhere, I just can't find it.

  • mbobier

    Well, this little video actually makes about as much sense as the GOP's entire economic argument, so….

  • FNMA

    There's a Jerry Sandusky joke to be made here…

    • YasserArraFeck

      Hey kids, let me show you where your Happy Valley is……

    • UnholyMoses

      "Even been in a Penn State shower, Jimmy … ?"

      • nounverb911

        "Ever been in a State Pen shower, Jerry….?"

  • gullywompr

    Childish.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    You get anywhere near my kids Steve, I will fucking punch you in the throat, you furry freak. You've been warned.

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    …and all the kids walked home with a copy of Atlas Shrugged and an 8×10 of Megyn Kelly.

    • FNMA

      Only slightly stained…both of them.

    • Oblios_Cap

      I'm surprised that he didn't try to be all cutesy and give them teabags.

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        Or foodstamps.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Good lesson about the downside of Communism, maybe. Regarding progressive taxation, ehh, not so much. Not to worry — I suspect the kids are smarter than this fuckwit.

  • Rober1y

    Is the takeaway that rich people are like children with candy?

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    One of those kids shoulda kicked him in the balls.

    • BadKitty904

      AND screamed for the cops.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        STRANGER DANGER!

        • AlterNewt

          "I NEED AN ADULT…to kick this guy in the nuts."

  • Aridzona

    I couldn't help but Snicker. Where is this guy from, Mars? This is what he does to earn his Payday? Some people feel like a nut . . . some people don't.

    • UnholyMoses

      He's got Mounds of stupid, yet makes A Hundred Grand and probably asked a kid to touch his Watchyamacallit.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "But it's Fun Size!"

      • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

        "I'll give you a Bit-O-Honey if you let me be your Sugar Daddy." What a Dum-Dum.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      O, Henry! That was clever!

    • Mittaplasia

      The guy is a total Zero.

  • http://wonkette.com John Birf Society

    When he registers as a sex offender, he can honestly say that he built that criminal record.

  • TootsStansbury

    Df;tr (didn't finish too r3tarded)

  • freakishlywrong

    I'm surprised the asshole didn't dress up as Benghazi.

  • Beowoof

    Jeebus, take away the roads that this ignorant asshole drives and see how he likes the socialism then.

  • freakishlywrong

    Have the congressional Republicans demanded that the candy change it's tone and removed from public knowledge?

  • UnholyMoses

    The more accurate way to do this:

    Have 100 kids come by.

    Give 1 of them 70% of your candy.

    Give another 3 of them 10%

    Give another 6 of them 5%.

    Give the remaining 90 kids 15% of your candy.

    Now have the 1 kid who got 70% start bitching about how those 90 kids are just lazy and useless and deserve to only get a single Skittle each.

    And then have about 40 of those 90 kids agree with that one kid.

    That's our entire economic and political systems in a nutshell.

    Fucked up, ain't it?

    • oenspiek

      This would make a beautiful skit for the San Francisco Mime Troupe!

  • SorosBot

    Well it's not like the rich get any benefit from government or anything, like say protection from getting the full Louis XVI / Nicholas II treatment.

    • BadKitty904

      Well, powder my wig and call me Robespierre, but I say many of the 1%ers would benefit enormously from a shave by the National Razor…

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …let them eat cake, errr I mean candy!

    • LesBontemps

      Ha — The Full Louis. We'll just take a little off the top.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    James O'Keefe weeps that he did not come up with this idea first

    • BadKitty904

      It's trite, juvenile, moronic – yup, I'm sure he's heartbroken someone's cutting in on his turf.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      He likes to play dress-up, doesn't he? If he had any musical talent, he'd fit right in with the next revival of The Village People.

    • TootsStansbury

      O'Queef, children, furry costume, candy, windowless van…NO. JUST NO.

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Was the van windowless? FFS. These people.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If he had wanted to do it right, he should have used the "Willard Laugh" as he was taking their candy. That would have required that the kids have years of therapy.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    HOLY FUCK! HE LOOKS DUMBER WITH THE HOOD OFF!

  • mittaplasia

    Republicans brainwashing trick-or-treaters by stealing their candy? How low can you go? On November 6, we have to find a way of shutting that whole thing down…VOTE!

  • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

    Share your candy, you whiny brats.

    • http://citizenfuturist.wordpress.com/ RufusTFirefly

      You too, children.

  • coolhandnuke

    Someone should shove a candy apple up this guys tailpipe.
    His truck could use one too.

  • SorosBot

    Oh god, I just read all of his abstinence article and now want to puke. I also want to punch the douche for, in 20-fucking-12, calling the 99% of women who have sex without a silly ceremony "floozies" and "harlots". Steven Crowder is a misogynistic prudish asshead who deserves a swift kick in the balls. Oops. Did I just make a “judgment?” You’re darn right I did.

    • SideshowSlob

      I started getting angry, but I think I really just feel sorry for him. The amount of projection & justification in there is just…embarassing.

      • SorosBot

        It's amazing. And he claims the marriage night sex was the best ever, which he knows how? What is there to compare it to? And note that he says nothing about his wife, she's just an object in the story of his marriage.

        And this guy claims to be a comedian? Really? There is nothing intentionally funny in that piece, although it is hilarious.

        • Oblios_Cap

          She might have told him that she was a virgin, but how does he really know? Hmmm?

          • SorosBot

            Probably the fact that she was willing to marry him without taking him for a test drive first. And you can bet she didn't enjoy herself; not only would he be completely clueless, like a virgin touching for the very first time, but woman-hating douchebags like him usually refuse to even try and find the clitoris, much less know what to do with it.

          • UnholyMoses

            Clitoris?

            To all too many men, it might as well be a unicorn.

          • Oblios_Cap

            On the plus side for her, it was probably over very quickly.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I'm shocked he didn't call them slatterns.

      • Mittaplasia

        Trollops and roundheels also, too.

    • elviouslyqueer

      His "wife" (still not used to that) must be so very proud of knowing that she married a totally self-absorbed, navel gazing, pedantic shithole.

  • Biff

    Oh for fuck's sake.

  • GregComlish

    Fuck kids and Fuck Halloween, they are just walking door to door to get handouts like the rest of 47% to which they belong.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    We are obviously raising kids wrong these days. I know this because not one of them punched that guy in the nuts.

    • HistoriCat

      At least not while the cameras were rolling. Maybe our children is learning to wait until you're not being recorded.

  • Mittaplasia

    I prefer the old school bears who would just maul you and get it done. These new bears will just torment you until you beg to be put out of your misery.

  • hagajim

    But the Gubmint didn't give those kids candy! It was those taxpayers like me who went out and spent their own money to try and ruin the little rat bastards' mommies and daddies dentist bill. So obviously they didn't build it…I did!

  • coolhandnuke

    Let's teach the kiddies a more useful lesson, the Stand Your Ground Halloween Act. Dress 'em in hoodies and when Crowder tries to steal their skittles have them go Karate Kid on his groin area region.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …holy shyt, can someone please hit this shyt piñata with a shovel please!!! I love the hyper-simplification of fiscal policy! Yeah, candy and taxes are the exact god-damn thing! Obviously "candy" is used to support our infrastructure and social programs.

  • mavenmaven

    Essentially, they are saying the wealthy are children and crybabies.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    I supposed he edited out all the kids that said "OK, seems fair".

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      My thoughts exactly. The kids who thought sharing was the right thing to do. You know, the kids who are being raised to not be sociopaths.

  • Oblios_Cap

    It appears that he "reports" like he "fucks".

  • Come here a minute

    Look on the bright side — at least Fox News contributor Steven "Pedobear" Crowder was teaching the kids the GOP tax policies and not their rape policies.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Silly Crowder, kids aren't for tricks.

  • TheMightyHaltor

    I actually think this video makes it's point very well: The 1% are on the same intellectual and emotional plane as a whiny six year old.

  • FieryLocks

    You know these kids were totally coached to do this and the dead give away was the little kid saying, "I worked hard for that candy!"
    What fucking kid says that? Give me a break.

    • Come here a minute

      They usually say, "I built this costume!"

    • bikerlaureate

      "I got this candy myself, without any stupid liberals giving me a free handout!"

  • ttommyunger

    So this is what it's come down to? I'm betting the Rightards are high-fiving each other over this skit. Genius, just fucking genius! Who comes up with this shit, that's what I want to know?

  • http://wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Damn, all those kids were going to vote for Obama. Guess he showed them.

  • stopthemovie

    Stupid kids, your supposed to put your candy in an offshore account before showing up at the furry revenewers tailgate. Then you get to keep your candy and get some from the others.

  • PhilippePetain

    Haha, man, reading that article in which he brags about not being a virgin… I mean, I know he's supposed to be feeling all superior because supposedly we're all these naysayers and think he's a jerk for waiting until he's married, but man, honestly, my only thought was "Hey, that's great! These people sound happy, and it's awesome that they're doing it their way." Who doesn't feel somewhat happy for a newly married couple, even if they're partisan hacks with no sense of humor?

    These people just have this concrete mindset of how the world is and how it perceives them, and it just isn't that way. I have a feeling that this may be one of the fundamental disconnects they have with things that makes them so completely wrong all of the time.

  • HarryButtle

    Let's try the experiment this way:

    Ask each kid if he'd give up a handful of candy that will be given to kids who are unable to trick or treat because they're disabled or sick or their neighborhood just got blown off the face of the map by a hurricane. Betcha get plenty of candy to "redistribute."

    Jeebus, I never thought I'd see the day when half the fucking country would agree that teaching our kids to SHARE was a bad thing.

  • Gleem McShineys

    Why didn't he dress up as Mitt Romney, and promise the kids he'll let the ones with more candy than everyone keep it all, and also simultaneously be able to give the fattest kid even more of the candy he takes away, and also not take candy because he has plans to change the formula for candy taking.

    The kids will totally understand!

    Mostly by saying "this guy shouldn't be in charge of anything, not even candy distribution," but still.

  • Nostrildamus

    I can't picture Donald Trump or Steve Forbes being as mature as those kids about having their candy taken away.

  • lulzmonger

    STEVEN CROWDER = THE GRINCH WHO SHAT ON HALLOWE'EN.

    PS: Yiff in hell, oxygen-thief.

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      Hahaa "Yiff in Hell". Genius.

  • tigernole

    it would have been funny if some teens came up to him and gave him a beatdown. What a choad.

  • Redgyal

    Why are all of these people so mean? Sorry, rhetorical question.

  • bargal20

    Actually, Crowder is dressed as a monkey, not a bear. Somehow people missed that bit of totally not-racist genius humor.

  • elfgoldsackring

    "Hey, great Halloween Pedobear costume, Steve! Good job!"

    "Oh, is that today? I mean, right, thanks."

  • Roger_of_Arabia

    If you watch Stevie's tribute to Detroit, he begins it in front of the Michigan Central Station and repeatedly shows that delapidated hulk throughout the segment, but MCS stands for exactly the opposite of Crowder's point. MCS is privately owned by billionaire Matty Maroun's company which also owns the Ambassador Bridge between Detroit and Windsor, Ontario. Maroun wanted the city and state to pay to fix the building up for him. I thought that private industry was magic and made everything wonderful. But then again, Maroun is an Arab, so Fox can hate him for that.

  • horsedreamer_1

    Children, run away…. Run away from the man with the candy!

  • whatever

    What a joke of a comparison! A true comparison would show the kids in charge knowing where all the candy is , setting up all the rules for trick or treating, and then tying up the other kids hands and feet. Then you get to see the kids with all of the candy telling everyone how hard they worked for it.