TODAY IN HISSIES  10:31 am November 2, 2012

Listen Jack, Mitt Romney Ain’t Here To Talk About No Mormonism, See?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Why are we running this clip from 2007? Only because it is awesome. Gather round your iNook and watch in wonder as a murderously Miffed Romney gushes period blood all over this nice fellow, Jan Mikelson, a conservative radio host from WHO Iowa. They are talking about Miffed’s stance on abortion and the Mormon Church, and Miffed is all “I didn’t come here to talk about Mormon!” and “I’m totally pro-life but it’s not because of Mormon” (it’s because he wanted the GOP nomination, duh) and “I think I know my church better than you!” He is ranting and freaking out and seriously having a cow, man. But why wouldn’t Ol’ Miffed want to have a nice conversation? It could have been thoughtful, and interesting! Well, as Charlie P. Pierce at Esquire never tires of reminding us, Miffed simply does not care to be Questioned by The Help.

Now, we have been reading Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven, and my, it is a doozy! The early Mormon Church was cold killin’ wagon trains of Arkansans all the time, and generally being weirdo murdery liars. Lying for the Lord, in fact, was a matter of personal integrity! (As was robbing people blind before or after you killed them, didn’t make no never mind.)

So we feel kind of racist for being all DAAAMN, MORMONS, but seriously: DAAAMN, MORMONS! Anyway, we think it’d be nice to see Miffed actually talk about the tenets of his faith, and what he believes — like, calm and Charlie Rose-style — instead of going batshit when his (REALLY BIZARRE) church is mentioned.

Oh, and when Miffed says that people in the Mormon church can feel rabidly about something (say, being pro-life) without trying to mess with other people’s secular choices, he’s lying for the Lord then too.

It just comes so easy to him, don’t it?

 
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{ 236 comments }

Barbara_ November 2, 2012 at 10:34 am

The great thing about pissing Mitt off is that you don't have to look at his smug smirk.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

That fucking smirk!

Barbara_ November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

I often wonder "what would Jesus do?" Something tells me that Jesus would hold my jacket, so that I could take a swing at this guy. (with votes)

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

Yeah. With votes. Maybe a haircut would be nice as well.

beezie687 November 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

Jesus Take My Weave (and hold my earrings) cause it's on, bish!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

"Jesus Take My Weave:" isn't that a country song?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

I think Jesus would be all right with that.

HistoriCat November 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm

Yeah but you know Jesus would probably heal him afterwards. Damn liberal hippy.

redarmyzombie November 2, 2012 at 4:40 pm

I dunno Barb, methinks it's too great of a temptation for even Jesus to not take a swing at that smug fucking smirk.

weejee November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

Shrub was the smirking chimp. So is Mittens the smirking robot, the smirking android, the smirking bag of Cheetos™, the smirking…what?

Barbara_ November 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

Just 100-ish more hours, Wee Jee and we can send him back to one of his many homes instead of to the White House.

Loch_Nessosaur November 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

The smirking liar.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

The smirking loser.

JustPixelz November 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

Yeah, but still … every silver lining has a dark cloud.

freakishlywrong November 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

And the hate-laugh. I hate the hate-laugh.

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 11:12 am

"Ha. Haha. Ha."

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

Or that fake plastered-on grin he adopts when being asked questions he doesn't want to, and will not, answer.

hagajim November 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

Look! Would you let me finish my fucking point already! Damn infidels!

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 10:35 am

iNookie. I'd never leave the house.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

Most guys would buy one, even given the price of $9,000.00.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

Apple technology is worth it!

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

I was thinking a smaller, redder fruit…

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:16 am

iCumquat?

DerrickWildcat November 2, 2012 at 10:35 am

FACT: No candidate has ever won the Presidency without winning Kolob!

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

The InKolob rule.

DerrickWildcat November 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

As goes Kolob, so goes the country!

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

Also FACT: Kolob spelled backwards is bollocks.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

Forward also. How unusual is that?

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 11:03 am

Magic palindromes are magic.

bobbert November 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Well done.

Loch_Nessosaur November 2, 2012 at 10:35 am

Will the fundies revert to classifying the Ladder Day Saints a cult after Miffed loses on Tuesday? Or, are they too just Lying for the Lord?

Also, Krakauer’s book was even more eye popping than I thought it would be.

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

Are you saying Mitt's arguments vanish Into Thin Air?

Loch_Nessosaur November 2, 2012 at 10:42 am

They have less oxygen than on the summit.

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

Brain function, always the first thing to go, makes self-diagnosis impossible. Ditto hypothermia. I got first degree frostbite on Mt. Washington in NH in the winter, once, and didn't even notice, my climbing partner did. Mitt should use the buddy system.

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 11:19 am

Trying to climb a mountain made out of olives is a slippery slope.

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Mount Olive sounded like good exercise until Popeye showed up.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

What with the Danites/Avenging Angels death squads and the Mountain Meadows Massacre and all…

commiegirl99 November 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

BLOOD ATONEMENT LIBEL

bobbert November 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm

It's just the occasional massacre. It's not like a habit or something.

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oh I'm sure Mitt's Mormonisms will be one of the many reasons he failed to unseat "that one", which any True Conservative should have been able to do; remember that in wingnut land, conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

Ruhe November 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

I've said this before but again…It surprises me that more Christian Fundamentalists don't embrace Mormonism as a uniquely "American" version of Christianity, one un-mediated by any middle eastern "darkness".

vulpes82 November 2, 2012 at 11:03 am

The Fundy Middle East of the Bible isn't "dark," though. It's all blond-hair-and-blue-eyed Mary and Jesus and Charlton Heston as Moses.

bobbert November 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm

That is, of course, what old Joe designed it to be. I'd be curious to know what percentage of converts do come over from the more traditional fundies.

BoroPrimorac November 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

As soon as Ohio is called for Obama, Mormons will go back to being that crazy religion from Utah.

bikerlaureate November 2, 2012 at 2:36 pm

This is a huge reversal of what is preached.
Some of us know just how emphatically the Mormons are slammed for not holding Jesus in uniquely high esteem / denying the Trinity. It's quite amazing to me that so many hardline evangelicals are rejecting the incumbent – who has said nothing in clear contradiction to his often stated Christian faith – and are clinging to innuendo and laughably circumstantial evidence, in order to justify their support of a "non-Christian".

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

It would be irresponsible not to speculate: will Mittens outlaw alcohol, caffeine and nicotine if elected? There are some who say…

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 10:46 am

He certainly hasn't denied it.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 10:53 am

Wildly, if at all possible.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

You know who else outlawed alcohol, caffeine and nicotine…

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 11:01 am

Jakob Anmann?

DCBloom November 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

Ayatolla Khomeni?

Lascauxcaveman November 2, 2012 at 11:28 am

Joseph Smith?

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

My mom? At least until I was 18?

Well, no, she let us drink coffee in grade school…

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Michael Jackson?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

We're just asking questions.

Biff November 2, 2012 at 11:33 am

TO THE CHALKBOARDS!!!1!

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I'll give you my alcohol, caffeine and nicotine when you pry them from my alcoholic, shaking, yellowed hands!

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 10:36 am

I can't imagine why an entitled asshole from a religion that deems itself superior to the prevailing faith of the majority of the nation would not want to address this issue with one of those people!

GemlikeFlame November 2, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Well, to be evenhanded, all of those faiths consider themselves superior to every other one, especially those that are most closely related to but distinct from the One True Religion (whichever one that is, and pretty much means all of them.)

Not_So_Much November 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

When he gets his own planet, this kind of shit will not be allowed.

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

I had 4 (out of a possible of 6) visits from the squeaky clean Mormon missionaries before I left NJ for grad school. Fascinating. This "get your own planet" stuff could certainly explain the weird shit that happens on this one. Well played, sir.

royhobbson November 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

Didn't think one could be SEVERELY Mormon, but here we are.

actor212 November 2, 2012 at 11:19 am

There are several levels of retardation:

1) Mild, or highly functional
2) Moderate, or trainable with minimal oversight
3) Severe, or dependent retardation, meaning one will need life long, constant care
4) and Profound, or Mormon.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

Even with this handicap, it's hard as hell to get any buttsechs from their women.

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm

…and no naughty sex with your mouth, either.

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

Never go full Mormon.

HateMachine November 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

Mitt's face and model number are in the "How to Mormon" manual next to "Lying for the Lord".

FakaktaSouth November 2, 2012 at 10:37 am

The first rule of Mormon Club, don't talk about Mormon Club. I would rather see Mitt get punched in the face by Edward Norton anyway.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

What goes on in Salt Lake City…

LagunaB November 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

The line forms on Tuesday at any voting booth.

PuckStopsHere November 2, 2012 at 10:38 am

"I've made other mistakes…"

Would lying like a motherfucker on a daily basis be one of them?

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

Apparently not, based on R's book review above.

Chow Yun Flat November 2, 2012 at 11:03 am

Not if you are lying for the Lord.

bikerlaureate November 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Sometimes on an hourly basis?

And would lying, reversing the lie and then telling it again count as three lies?

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

It's only fair. Obama was never asked any questions about Jeremiah Wright, right?

Nice to pop in, folks, but I'll be busy until next week. Looking forward to a celebration on Tuesday night.

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:30 pm

We can haz epic liveblog?

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 12:45 pm

I sooooo want Barry to take Florida. It will be sweet, sweet revenge for the clusterfuck I got to witness after moving to the Sunshine State on Oct 1 2000, just in time to be a spectator to the horror. You had to be there 6 weeks to register to vote. Now safely in a much more western Bay Area…

UPDATE: fivethirtyeight has Romney's lead in FLA evaporating like ether in a chem lab. Oh please oh please

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 10:39 am

Bishop-prick.

freakishlywrong November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

For the life of me. How the fucking hell is this race this close?

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

Mostly because the President is a Black guy I think.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

Because Mitt is this color ———->

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

close

Depends. Having just found what give'em hell-Harry Reid's been doing since his motor-caravan accident (answer: early voting, is what!): Reid was quoted saying "We’re virtually ahead in every state" but then I guess it's his job to appear optimistic?

Toomush_Infer November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

Yeah….and especially, why are so many women supporters of this robot?…It's the hair, isn't it, and the height, the big jaw…..please, please tell me I'm wrong….

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

It ain't the bulging Thuringer wurst.

LibertyLover November 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

…And right wing propaganda…

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

Hey, the media's got a *lot* of ad-space to sell…

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

Srsly. All that campaign money is making the purveyors of the airwaves rich, you would think?Maybe less so because the battleground states aren't big media markets, or more so? I dunno. Discuss.

HistoriCat November 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Presidential elections are the swing-state media's version of retail's reliance on Christmas shopping. They are counting on that sweet infusion of big money to tide them over in the lesser years.

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Awesome. Would that make today the political media equivalent of Black Friday? No one who's worked retail, including yours truly, forgets having worked a Black Friday. Fun to do a few times, but I'll pass on doing it again…

FNMA November 2, 2012 at 11:02 am

Because, as I repeatedly remind myself, people are fucking idiots. Not to get all misanthropic on you…

vulpes82 November 2, 2012 at 11:04 am

THERE'S A BLACK MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!11!!!!???!!

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 1:52 pm

There's a whole danged family of 'em moved in, too.

RedStatePinko November 2, 2012 at 11:08 am

David Sedaris on undecided voters (2008!):
"I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?'

To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/10/27/081027s

emmelemm November 2, 2012 at 1:15 pm

He really does have a way with words.

StillGoinGreen November 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

It's the dead babies, methinks. And guns. And Jesus. Also.

BoroPrimorac November 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

White Males.

Biff November 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

Because campaigners want your money, that's why.

ThundercatHo November 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm

This is how my hubby (real life smart person and sort of geek) explains it (accuracy is not guaranteed): The average IQ is 100 which means that 50% of people have an IQ of less that 100. Not being some kind of asshole MENSA snob but it's obvious that most people here have IQs well over 100.

harry_palmer November 3, 2012 at 12:00 am

Here's another way of saying that: You know how stupid the average person is? Half the people in the world are even stupider than that.

RomneysLogCabin November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

OMG guys, I don't think Mitt is a robot anymore. He's a snotty Long Islander minus the leggings.

PubOption November 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

He's from Long Guy Land? I thought that Ann had already denied that.

RomneysLogCabin November 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

If only there was a thumbs down…. if only.

StillGoinGreen November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

Why is it that, if Bloomberg had endorsed Miffed, he would be considered a smart businessman – but since he endorsed Obummer, he is a liberal elitist?

Rich Republicans out for protecting only their interests = good businessmen
Rich Democrats set on bettering the lives of all = liberal elitists

I don't get it…

Disassembly November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

I read that Krakauer book a few years ago so my memory's kind of hazy. That's the one where Joseph Smith leaves the NFL, climbs this huge mountain and then dies in a school bus, right?

glasspusher November 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

That about covers it. Well played, sir.

deanbooth November 2, 2012 at 10:40 am

Or, as it used to be called, Jews for Geronimo.

sudsmckenzie November 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

When Jeebus comes back he will be a Rams fan?

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

When Mitt retroactively baptises us, will we be Jazz fans?

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

When Mittens is angry, his lips turn white.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

"The A-2's always were a bit twitchy."

emmelemm November 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm

We spotted them easy.

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Can he lie without moving those white lips?

Loch_Nessosaur November 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

I think Miffed got his magic undies in a bunch during this interview.

Caelan Aegana November 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

In middle school we called that the Miracle Wedgie.

friendlyskies November 2, 2012 at 10:41 am

Wow…. I've never seen Mittens act sincere. He should try that more often.

Terry November 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

He can't. None of his opinions are sincerely held. He just says what he thinks it will take to get elected.

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

Too bad he's not that effusive about his tax returns.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

I agree. Very life-like.

fuflans November 2, 2012 at 12:09 pm

was thinking the same thing. this guy could be a serious leader.

i'd still think he was an asshole, but at least a convincing one.

ManchuCandidate November 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

Yeah, it's not like Mormonis interfered with another state… Cough California Prop 8 Cough.

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

Rommels' tithes funding the anti-gay. Our tax loopholes at work.

mbatch November 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Hell, the Morms killed the Equal Rights Amendment back in the seventies. They've got a loooong history with this.

AngryBlakGuy November 2, 2012 at 10:43 am

…who would have thought the church of Mormon flip flops more than Mittens on abortion?!?

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

What a cunt.

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

For the win.

weejee November 2, 2012 at 10:44 am

he’s lying for the Lord then too

And God has spoken: Nobammah 80.9%; Mittens of Hair Gel 19.1%

Tommmcatt_Again November 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Wow, talk about going out on a limb. My hot dork-chic fantasy boyfriend better be right on this one.

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

From up in canine-Mormon heaven, Seamus grunts upon overhearing his master has shown another nay-sayer the doggie door.

YasserArraFeck November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

Do Mormon dogs get their own fire hydrants in the afterlife?

vulpes82 November 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

Nah, Seamus was a Buddhist.

JustPixelz November 2, 2012 at 10:45 am

Mitt confirmed one of my core beliefs: To be rich you have to be an asshole.

I assume this is also how he talked to his sons when they lied to him constantly. (OK, technically they probably just told the truth but Mitt heard a lie, but still…)

This is how he treats a conservative simpatico. Wait'll he's getting all "bipartisan" in the Dems grill. (ha ha, JK. Soon he'll only have servants to kick around.)

Tundra Grifter November 2, 2012 at 12:00 pm

"Behind every great fortune is a crime."
~ Balzac

DerrickWildcat November 2, 2012 at 10:47 am

FACT: Mormons have been scientifically proven to be weird.

La_Cieca November 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

"The problem is, Jan, you're glib. You don't know the history of abortion. I do."

eggsacklywright November 2, 2012 at 10:58 am

The history of abortion is written on the Golden Plates of Jumpin' Jehosephat.

Chow Yun Flat November 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

James?

Caelan Aegana November 2, 2012 at 11:41 am

That makes me stabby in so, SO many ways. Mitt retroactively modified his taxes, so can we retroactively modify his existance in the womb (you know, with votes)?

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 10:48 am

Wish I were not thinking about the following series of words: "Bishop W. Mitt Romney".

Bishop. Mitt. Romney.

My brain hurts.

JustPixelz November 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

Bishop of a religion made up so some guy could get more nookie. Which religion is that? AOTK.

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 11:03 am

He knows a lot more about his "faith" than you do, mister.

LagunaB November 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Try this: Failed Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney.

HistoriCat November 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

As long as we don't have to go with Perpetual Candidate Mitt Romney.

lulzmonger November 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Gotta admit, he IS excruciatingly diagonal.

LibertyLover November 2, 2012 at 10:49 am

Oh NOES! Mitt is the severely conservative person that he is trying like hell to pretend that he is not…

LesBontemps November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

After the Second Coming, Jesus will reign from Missouri? Can't wait to see the theater he builds in Branson.

Ruhe November 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

One Thousand Years, Live from Branson? What if it's one of those horse-ridin' dinner theater things like Medieval Times or Dolly's Dixie Stampede? Would the show be Armageddon, twice nightly, six days a week? And what if the world-ending battle predicted in Apocalypse is really just this show? Hmmm. I wonder if Don DeLillo would be interested in buying this idea.

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Jesus will smite that sonovabich Akin on his first day in office.

bobbert November 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm

One thing about Mormon Jesus, is he's a lot more about the smiting than New Testament Jesus.

Joshua Norton November 2, 2012 at 10:50 am

C'mon guys, Mittens is the ultimate American success story. It proves if you work really hard and just pull yourself up by the bootstraps you could get yourself born with a rich daddy too.

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 12:16 pm

10 simple steps to be wealthy and successful:

1. Pick your parents carefully.
O.K., that's all you need, go directly to the Caymans, skip steps 2 through 10

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Don't forget robbing people of their livelihoods by off shoring their jobs to increase your own already obscene wealth.

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 12:39 pm

True, but step one makes that (and everything else in life) so much easier.<p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:16.0px Arial”> <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”><p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:14.0px Optima”> <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”>A society in which disclaimers are necessary¬† <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”>obviously has too many lawyers on retainer.

Nostrildamus November 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm

1337

SorosBot November 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

How can Jan ask Romney about his core beliefs when he clearly doesn't have any?

Goonemeritus November 2, 2012 at 10:51 am

I have a hard time believing God wouldn’t rather set up shop in New York rather than Missouri. Are we to believe God’s Idea of entertainment is country music?

freakishlywrong November 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

It's Branson, baby!

PubOption November 2, 2012 at 10:57 am

If He did set up in Missouri, he might cut Joyce Meyer off from the gullible who send her all that money.

FNMA November 2, 2012 at 11:05 am

Not just country music. Yakov Smirnoff has a theater there too.

Kopite74011 November 3, 2012 at 12:44 am

"In capitalist Branson, jokes tell you?"

(I got nuthin'. Thought I had sumthin', but . . . no.)

YasserArraFeck November 2, 2012 at 11:23 am

"Yuh picked a fahn tahm tuh leave me Luciferrrrrr
With 6 billion children"…… etc etc

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

Glen Campbell's career went there to die, too. And don't forget Tony Orlando.

red_kira November 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

Is anyone else utterly terrified by the fact that a grown up adult human being – who MIGHT BE ELECTED PRESIDENT AND HAVE HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON – is seriously talking about Jesus coming and splitting the Mount of Olives, and then ruling for a millennium from there and from Missouri (that's quite a commute, BTW), utterly and absolutely straight faced? Like that completely wacked-out shizznit could HAPPEN?!?!? People – this seriously freaked me out.

Toomush_Infer November 2, 2012 at 11:18 am

Oh, that's just the tip of the Mitt – Mormonism is as screwy as Mohammedism – crazies that decided Jesus just wasn't enough like them, and decided to build a religion on the bodies of their enemies, mostly themselves….

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

And he spoke that shit like he *meant* it! Jesus Christ.

I. Too. Am. Utterly. Terrified.

fuflans November 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm

i wish you hadn't put it like that. i was still back on five minutes of convincing miffed mitt.

elviouslyqueer November 2, 2012 at 10:52 am

Just to be clear, ladies. On this tape, Mittens is telling you that he doesn't want you to have abortions under any circumstances at all, ever.

All you vagina-owning Mittens supporters might want to keep that in mind. Just saying.

vulpes82 November 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

But the vagina-owning Mittens supporters don't want other women to have abortions, either! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FETUSES???! (Now, when little Peggy Sue comes up knocked up by a Negro, that's different. A little trip to "Europe" will take care of that.)

Ruhe November 2, 2012 at 11:09 am

""Vagina-owning" Mittens supporters"… You're referring to married christian conservative men, right?

Toomush_Infer November 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

Yeah, I wish….numbers show that there are substantial support from the vagina crowd for this clown….do this many women have a "just beat me" mentality?….I am deeply confused on this….

YasserArraFeck November 2, 2012 at 11:24 am

Vag-bots

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Oh snap.

emmelemm November 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

That is the definition of a "ZING!" (Cuz it's true.)

BoroPrimorac November 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

Vagina-owning MIttens supporters don't give a fuck about reproductive rights, all they want is jerbs, jerbs and more jerbs.

Biff November 2, 2012 at 11:42 am

"All you vagina-owning Mittens supporters"
They go by Mittens' Kittens, I hear…

RomneysLogCabin November 2, 2012 at 10:53 am

This is a lot of rage over a fictional pile of olives.

Where do you keep the bodies Mitt?

hagajim November 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

So the lying part of Mitt comes from way back….what a surprise. Ingrained.

mbobier November 2, 2012 at 10:55 am

Slightly OT, but have you ever noticed how close Mittens' eyebrows are to his eyes? He constantly has beetling brows. Somehow, it seems appropriate.

UW8316154 November 2, 2012 at 11:30 am

And a tiny little face on a very large head.

memzilla November 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

So Mittbot 1.5 is saying "the Law will come from" Missouri and Jerusalem?

Hmm. A substantial portion of our ICBMs are based in Missouri.

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:01 am

"The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb, and the firmament showeth His handiwork…May the Blessings of the Bomb Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout, descend upon us all. This day and forever more. Amen."

YasserArraFeck November 2, 2012 at 11:26 am

Well, Jeebus' first Fourth of July in Mizzuruh is going to be a humdinger. Huddled around fires, in caves, staying warm through the nuclear winter, the remaining humans're going to be still talking about it years later.

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

Delving wholesale into the qualm-inducing aspects of his family's faith entails too much risk, you see.
The only "risk-taking" Mittens feels confident with is the kind when pursued say, during The Year[s] of Living Bain-gerously — and that's not even real risk, not when the safety net planted for you to land in is of your own daddy's making.

mbobier November 2, 2012 at 10:59 am

What a jackass — having a full-on, bullying tantrum on the radio. He really is NOT used to people questioning him in any serious way.

Oh, and he cites Leon Skousen, as well! Perfect:
http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/04/mitt-

beezie687 November 2, 2012 at 11:00 am

This interview is why they had Mitt's emotion subroutine deleted.

Disassembly November 2, 2012 at 11:03 am

Enough stupid questions about Mormons. I want to elect whoever knows the top hip hop songs.

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 11:06 am

Watching this, I can really see the bullying asstard who gave that forced haircut.

BlueMonkeh November 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm

yup. what a dick.

Disassembly November 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

It's too bad that church dogma didn't say Jesus would come to Ohio. That might have been worth a point or two.

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 2, 2012 at 11:07 am

I just wish this race was over so that I can stop having to look at this guy, buy my weed legally and start having to listen to my Mom ask why I'm not married yet.

Come here a minute November 2, 2012 at 11:10 am

If you want to get Mittens going on the Mormonism, just ask him about his underwear and he'll talk all day. They love talking about the Mormon underwear!

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:18 am

I've noted, however, they *really don't like being questioned about the Mormon Church's INCREDIBLE wealth – the businesses owned, the real estate, etc., etc.

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 11:12 am

"Sorry sir, I know you say you parked a Land Rover, but I'm telling you all we have for you is a Yugo. Ha. Haha. Ha."

TootsStansbury November 2, 2012 at 11:14 am

I didn't watch the video. Every time I fall for it, I am horrified anew.

Ruhe November 2, 2012 at 11:15 am

Perhaps John McNaughton could get to work on a large tableaux depicting the Mormon Jesus and the other one meeting in Branson for an epic battle of the messiahs.

rabritz November 2, 2012 at 11:17 am

and Jesus wept, in missouri

Monsieur_Grumpe November 2, 2012 at 11:20 am

Nobody likes Mitt do they?

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 11:22 am

Who would you rather hang out with – Mittens or Bamz?

Mumbletypeg November 2, 2012 at 11:25 am

Nobody likes Mitt do they?

And yet a lot of unlikeable people own friends — sort of like collectibles — which themselves are likeable.

Monsieur_Grumpe November 2, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I got the feeling that the interviewer really wanted to like Mittens but the Mitt personality V2.0 is so putrid that is just not possible. Kind of like Windows Millennium. I still have not forgiven Bill Gates for that.

TootsStansbury November 2, 2012 at 11:31 am

Contemptuous, cynical and mean. What's not to like?

bikerlaureate November 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm

But they'll vote for him.

Huh.

belmontreport November 2, 2012 at 11:29 am

Mitt has two emotions: Bemused Robot Smirk and Manic Angry Robot.

mavenmaven November 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

Best moment- 2:12: "Just relax,ok? Just relax!"

Tommy1733 November 2, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself!"

1stNewtontheMoon November 2, 2012 at 11:35 am

And when I say "the church" I mean some huckster fraud from 19th century upstate new york. also, multiple wives. the end.

iburl November 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

IT'S VERY SIMPLE, STUPID! JESUS PARTS MOUNT OLIVE IN JERUSALEM TO STOP THE INVADING ARMIES FROM KILLING THE JEWS, THEN HE SENDS DOWN THE LAW FROM JERUSALEM AND MISSOURI! WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 2, 2012 at 11:52 am

OK I just watched that video. He's a more defensive, arrogant, dismissive, angry asshole than McCain!

Tundra Grifter November 2, 2012 at 12:04 pm

To be semi-serious on a beautiful Autumn morning – and best wishes to all on the East Coast and Midwest, dealing with a terrible storm.

I mentioned before Michael Lewis' excellent article on President Obama in the October issue of "Vanity Fair." Mr. Obama states he was surprised that the Republicans could abandon positions they had previous held and not pay a political price for it.

I would just like one person to explain to me which Multiple-Choice Miffed she or he supports.

Is it Mittens 1994 who ran as a Massachusetts librul against Teddy Kennedy?

The Mittens 2003 who ran for Governor? He no longer holds a single position he had then. He isn't running on his record – he's running from it.

The uber-Conservative Mittens 2012.1 who ran for the Republican nomination in all those primaries (where, in the early states, fewer people voted for him in 2012 than they did in 2008)?

Or Mittens 2012.2, who has Lurch'd to the center in a desperate attempt to win?

fuflans November 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm

here's my thoughts about your excellent summary:

the media has by and large ignored this extremely important narrative about the man who would be the leader of the free world (though 'the economist' made this a minor point in their very lukewarm endorsement of bamz). to me, this is far and away the most frightening thing about romney: he has no position, he could do ANYTHING in any situation and he seems to respond to events in the shallowest way imaginable.

further: it is somehow bronco bama (who's been in office for four years) who 'owes america' his plan and agenda for the next four.

Tundra Grifter November 3, 2012 at 9:41 am

I think you are on to something here. Some time ago Michael Huffington (yes, Ariana's x) ran for Senator. He had no history and no discernable positions.

People projected onto him what they wanted – or, perhaps more importantly, what they didn't like in the other candidates. "Well, at least he isn't…"

It turned out he wasn't a lot of things. Including elected.

Gleem McShineys November 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm

I think there is something to the idea that he's changed his colors so many times, all of his supporters see him as just the right shade they want to see.

The strange part is that they wilfully look right past the usually-disqualifying issue of all of this crass pandering staring them right in the face, and somehow see what he's doing as a necessary evil. He has to hold differing opinions in order to appeal to people!

How they don't see that as a seriously troubling negative is pretty much a mystery. I'm gonna go with "but he's got white skin" as the reason they so easily can look past this ridiculously obvious problem.

Tundra Grifter November 3, 2012 at 9:42 am

It marks a stark contrast to the defense of George Bush by people like Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity.

"You may not agree with him, but at least you know what he stands for."

imissopus November 2, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Life is too short to spend five minutes listening to that crap.

fuflans November 2, 2012 at 12:19 pm

i don't think any smart god would spend that much time in missouri.

london, maybe.

not missouri.

ttommyunger November 2, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Can't talk about his Faith, can't talk about his Taxes other than that, fire away. No, wait, can't talk about that, either.

DahBoner November 2, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Is it true Mitt Romney won't get sworn in using The Bible?

Will he instead be standing naked holding The Book of Mormon, while 67 14-year old Sisterwives desparately try in vein to fluff up his limp dick???

starfanglednut November 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Gah! There are things that can't be unseen, Boner.

GemlikeFlame November 2, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Acts like a man on the verge of a psychotic break. Or has that happened once or twice already? Either way, the pressure leading up to the election ought to produce some really entertaining and bizarre behavior. It's kind of sad when one of the potential leaders of the free world is reduced to an entertainment source, but that's postmodernism for you.

An_Outhouse November 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm

no,no,no,no.MY Church says that athletic Jesus comes back to run the NYC marathon right after a devastating tragedy, the first Jew to win it. Then there's accusations he's actually the anti-Christ, which pisses him off so he spites the Kenyan who was whining that he cheated him out of his rightful trophy. Jesus then must leave the country, goes to Jerusalem, turns the olives into oil, and retires in Missouri.

Look it up.

PhilippePetain November 2, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I'm sure that if there was anything politically inconvenient that came up with the Church for Mitt, the prophets could probably just get together and change church doctrine to fit popular opinion.

Steverino247 November 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Well, I can confirm having seen Gladys Knight at Utah State University in the early 1980's, performing with the Pips at a Tupperware convention.

Really. It was a good show. You could tell the Pips wanted her to finish the damned show already, but she was sucking up the attention.

PhilippePetain November 2, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Maybe Mitt can get a few Pips to play his alternate universe Sandy telethon.

lulzmonger November 2, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Christ, what an asshole.

Yick. The one time Willard actually takes on a tinge of mammalian personality … & it's because he's raging over how zealous his Mormonism is. Someone needs to take that motherfucker's Magical Ginch out a notch or three ASAP.

Mormonism: the baby you'd get if a Ponzi scheme fucked Christianity. It could never have been a non-subject in 2012 without the commercial media lickspittles' dedication to pimping nanoid memetic gruel 24/7 instead, so here's hoping THEY get a good hard burnjob for that soon.

cousinitt November 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

When Mittens talks about Christ coming to Missouri to eventually set up the New Disneyland, there is a hesitancy in his otherwise pissed-off voice that comes off as, "I know you think I'm a loon, but dammit, Jannit, deal with it." So, you become the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth and you sit down with other world leaders and you're the one who thinks God is going to make one of your own states the one true Mecca. That should go well.

Speaking of which, I grew up near Independence and there are actually Mormons already there with a temple and everything. But it's the RLDS (Reorganized) splinter group. This is not some small group of inbreds but a quarter million strong who never liked polygamy but did like Joseph Smith's wife and kids. See, the wife and kids after Joe got kilt, stayed in verdant western Missouri with their followers while the other splinter group went on to the Salt Lake hellscape, kinda like the Sunni/Shia split. If you really want to get Mitt mad, ask him about the RLDS sometime. And then if you want to see steam from nostrils ask him about the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

rickmaci November 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm

"The early Mormon Church was cold killin’ wagon trains of Arkansans all the time, and generally being weirdo murdery liars."

Kolob Libel !! Oh wait, it ain't libel when it's true.

Mittaplasia November 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm

Well, that just sucks. I moved from Missouri to Sodom of SoCal, so you know we're gonna' be the first ones Jeebus smites. Talk about bad timing, but at least I'm not subjected to Rapin' Akin ads, so there's the silver cloud.

Redgyal November 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Unless they made Mormon a new race, you can't be racist towards them. Just saying…..Wonkette.

415buzzard November 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm

I gave my ancient, conservative dad that Krakauer book to read about a year ago when I saw the Tide of Romney rising. He read it and I think he is either not going to vote this year or maybe he will go for Barry. I see this as progress.

Biff November 2, 2012 at 11:25 am

Weave, Swerve, same diff…

thatsitfortheother1 November 2, 2012 at 11:38 am

Close.

Who'd a thought "Steve Jobs" would be the answer to "What's your favorite sex act."

boskolives November 2, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Be bold, get the iCumoften® before black friday, when the price will go down faster than Monica Lewinsky

Tommmcatt_Again November 2, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Straight people are weird.

bobbert November 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Not until after he had drunk and smoked quite a bit of it.

doloras November 3, 2012 at 2:50 am

Outlawing nicotine and coffee in Iran? Yeah, right. Then they'd outlaw snow in Canada.

thatsitfortheother1 November 3, 2012 at 4:12 am

Yeah, but that's what they said about Son of Sam…

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