today in hissies

Listen Jack, Mitt Romney Ain’t Here To Talk About No Mormonism, See?

Why are we running this clip from 2007? Only because it is awesome. Gather round your iNook and watch in wonder as a murderously Miffed Romney gushes period blood all over this nice fellow, Jan Mikelson, a conservative radio host from WHO Iowa. They are talking about Miffed’s stance on abortion and the Mormon Church, and Miffed is all “I didn’t come here to talk about Mormon!” and “I’m totally pro-life but it’s not because of Mormon” (it’s because he wanted the GOP nomination, duh) and “I think I know my church better than you!” He is ranting and freaking out and seriously having a cow, man. But why wouldn’t Ol’ Miffed want to have a nice conversation? It could have been thoughtful, and interesting! Well, as Charlie P. Pierce at Esquire never tires of reminding us, Miffed simply does not care to be Questioned by The Help.

Now, we have been reading Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven, and my, it is a doozy! The early Mormon Church was cold killin’ wagon trains of Arkansans all the time, and generally being weirdo murdery liars. Lying for the Lord, in fact, was a matter of personal integrity! (As was robbing people blind before or after you killed them, didn’t make no never mind.)

So we feel kind of racist for being all DAAAMN, MORMONS, but seriously: DAAAMN, MORMONS! Anyway, we think it’d be nice to see Miffed actually talk about the tenets of his faith, and what he believes — like, calm and Charlie Rose-style — instead of going batshit when his (REALLY BIZARRE) church is mentioned.

Oh, and when Miffed says that people in the Mormon church can feel rabidly about something (say, being pro-life) without trying to mess with other people’s secular choices, he’s lying for the Lord then too.

It just comes so easy to him, don’t it?

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

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  • Barbara_

    The great thing about pissing Mitt off is that you don't have to look at his smug smirk.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      That fucking smirk!

      • Barbara_

        I often wonder "what would Jesus do?" Something tells me that Jesus would hold my jacket, so that I could take a swing at this guy. (with votes)

        • Tommy1733

          Yeah. With votes. Maybe a haircut would be nice as well.

        • beezie687

          Jesus Take My Weave (and hold my earrings) cause it's on, bish!

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            "Jesus Take My Weave:" isn't that a country song?

          • Biff

            Weave, Swerve, same diff…

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          I think Jesus would be all right with that.

        • HistoriCat

          Yeah but you know Jesus would probably heal him afterwards. Damn liberal hippy.

        • redarmyzombie

          I dunno Barb, methinks it's too great of a temptation for even Jesus to not take a swing at that smug fucking smirk.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Shrub was the smirking chimp. So is Mittens the smirking robot, the smirking android, the smirking bag of Cheetos™, the smirking…what?

        • Barbara_

          Just 100-ish more hours, Wee Jee and we can send him back to one of his many homes instead of to the White House.

        • Loch_Nessosaur

          The smirking liar.

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          The smirking loser.

    • JustPixelz

      Yeah, but still … every silver lining has a dark cloud.

    • freakishlywrong

      And the hate-laugh. I hate the hate-laugh.

      • Tommy1733

        "Ha. Haha. Ha."

    • eggsacklywright

      Or that fake plastered-on grin he adopts when being asked questions he doesn't want to, and will not, answer.

    • hagajim

      Look! Would you let me finish my fucking point already! Damn infidels!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    iNookie. I'd never leave the house.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Most guys would buy one, even given the price of $9,000.00.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Apple technology is worth it!

        • thatsitfortheother1

          I was thinking a smaller, redder fruit…

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            iCumquat?

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Close.

            Who'd a thought "Steve Jobs" would be the answer to "What's your favorite sex act."

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Be bold, get the iCumoften® before black friday, when the price will go down faster than Monica Lewinsky

          • Tommmcatt_Again

            Straight people are weird.

          • thatsitfortheother1

            Yeah, but that's what they said about Son of Sam…

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    FACT: No candidate has ever won the Presidency without winning Kolob!

    • thatsitfortheother1

      The InKolob rule.

      • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

        As goes Kolob, so goes the country!

    • eggsacklywright

      Also FACT: Kolob spelled backwards is bollocks.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Forward also. How unusual is that?

        • eggsacklywright

          Magic palindromes are magic.

        • bobbert

          Well done.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Will the fundies revert to classifying the Ladder Day Saints a cult after Miffed loses on Tuesday? Or, are they too just Lying for the Lord?

    Also, Krakauer’s book was even more eye popping than I thought it would be.

    • glasspusher

      Are you saying Mitt's arguments vanish Into Thin Air?

      • Loch_Nessosaur

        They have less oxygen than on the summit.

        • glasspusher

          Brain function, always the first thing to go, makes self-diagnosis impossible. Ditto hypothermia. I got first degree frostbite on Mt. Washington in NH in the winter, once, and didn't even notice, my climbing partner did. Mitt should use the buddy system.

        • eggsacklywright

          Trying to climb a mountain made out of olives is a slippery slope.

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Mount Olive sounded like good exercise until Popeye showed up.

    • BadKitty904

      What with the Danites/Avenging Angels death squads and the Mountain Meadows Massacre and all…

      • commiegirl99

        BLOOD ATONEMENT LIBEL

      • bobbert

        It's just the occasional massacre. It's not like a habit or something.

    • SorosBot

      Oh I'm sure Mitt's Mormonisms will be one of the many reasons he failed to unseat "that one", which any True Conservative should have been able to do; remember that in wingnut land, conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

    • Ruhe

      I've said this before but again…It surprises me that more Christian Fundamentalists don't embrace Mormonism as a uniquely "American" version of Christianity, one un-mediated by any middle eastern "darkness".

      • vulpes82

        The Fundy Middle East of the Bible isn't "dark," though. It's all blond-hair-and-blue-eyed Mary and Jesus and Charlton Heston as Moses.

      • bobbert

        That is, of course, what old Joe designed it to be. I'd be curious to know what percentage of converts do come over from the more traditional fundies.

    • BoroPrimorac

      As soon as Ohio is called for Obama, Mormons will go back to being that crazy religion from Utah.

    • bikerlaureate

      This is a huge reversal of what is preached.
      Some of us know just how emphatically the Mormons are slammed for not holding Jesus in uniquely high esteem / denying the Trinity. It's quite amazing to me that so many hardline evangelicals are rejecting the incumbent – who has said nothing in clear contradiction to his often stated Christian faith – and are clinging to innuendo and laughably circumstantial evidence, in order to justify their support of a "non-Christian".

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate: will Mittens outlaw alcohol, caffeine and nicotine if elected? There are some who say…

    • UW8316154

      He certainly hasn't denied it.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

      • BadKitty904

        Wildly, if at all possible.

        • thatsitfortheother1

          You know who else outlawed alcohol, caffeine and nicotine…

          • UW8316154

            Jakob Anmann?

          • DCBloom

            Ayatolla Khomeni?

          • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

            Outlawing nicotine and coffee in Iran? Yeah, right. Then they'd outlaw snow in Canada.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Joseph Smith?

          • bobbert

            Not until after he had drunk and smoked quite a bit of it.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            My mom? At least until I was 18?

            Well, no, she let us drink coffee in grade school…

          • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

            Michael Jackson?

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        We're just asking questions.

    • Biff

      TO THE CHALKBOARDS!!!1!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      I'll give you my alcohol, caffeine and nicotine when you pry them from my alcoholic, shaking, yellowed hands!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I can't imagine why an entitled asshole from a religion that deems itself superior to the prevailing faith of the majority of the nation would not want to address this issue with one of those people!

    • GemlikeFlame

      Well, to be evenhanded, all of those faiths consider themselves superior to every other one, especially those that are most closely related to but distinct from the One True Religion (whichever one that is, and pretty much means all of them.)

  • Not_So_Much

    When he gets his own planet, this kind of shit will not be allowed.

    • glasspusher

      I had 4 (out of a possible of 6) visits from the squeaky clean Mormon missionaries before I left NJ for grad school. Fascinating. This "get your own planet" stuff could certainly explain the weird shit that happens on this one. Well played, sir.

  • royhobbson

    Didn't think one could be SEVERELY Mormon, but here we are.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      There are several levels of retardation:

      1) Mild, or highly functional
      2) Moderate, or trainable with minimal oversight
      3) Severe, or dependent retardation, meaning one will need life long, constant care
      4) and Profound, or Mormon.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Even with this handicap, it's hard as hell to get any buttsechs from their women.

        • Mittaplasia

          …and no naughty sex with your mouth, either.

    • UW8316154

      Never go full Mormon.

  • HateMachine

    Mitt's face and model number are in the "How to Mormon" manual next to "Lying for the Lord".

  • FakaktaSouth

    The first rule of Mormon Club, don't talk about Mormon Club. I would rather see Mitt get punched in the face by Edward Norton anyway.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      What goes on in Salt Lake City…

    • LagunaB

      The line forms on Tuesday at any voting booth.

  • PuckStopsHere

    "I've made other mistakes…"

    Would lying like a motherfucker on a daily basis be one of them?

    • Tommy1733

      Apparently not, based on R's book review above.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      Not if you are lying for the Lord.

    • bikerlaureate

      Sometimes on an hourly basis?

      And would lying, reversing the lie and then telling it again count as three lies?

  • glasspusher

    It's only fair. Obama was never asked any questions about Jeremiah Wright, right?

    Nice to pop in, folks, but I'll be busy until next week. Looking forward to a celebration on Tuesday night.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      We can haz epic liveblog?

      • glasspusher

        I sooooo want Barry to take Florida. It will be sweet, sweet revenge for the clusterfuck I got to witness after moving to the Sunshine State on Oct 1 2000, just in time to be a spectator to the horror. You had to be there 6 weeks to register to vote. Now safely in a much more western Bay Area…

        UPDATE: fivethirtyeight has Romney's lead in FLA evaporating like ether in a chem lab. Oh please oh please

  • eggsacklywright

    Bishop-prick.

  • freakishlywrong

    For the life of me. How the fucking hell is this race this close?

    • Tommy1733

      Mostly because the President is a Black guy I think.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Because Mitt is this color ———->

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      close

      Depends. Having just found what give'em hell-Harry Reid's been doing since his motor-caravan accident (answer: early voting, is what!): Reid was quoted saying "We’re virtually ahead in every state" but then I guess it's his job to appear optimistic?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah….and especially, why are so many women supporters of this robot?…It's the hair, isn't it, and the height, the big jaw…..please, please tell me I'm wrong….

      • thatsitfortheother1

        It ain't the bulging Thuringer wurst.

    • LibertyLover

      …And right wing propaganda…

    • BadKitty904

      Hey, the media's got a *lot* of ad-space to sell…

      • glasspusher

        Srsly. All that campaign money is making the purveyors of the airwaves rich, you would think?Maybe less so because the battleground states aren't big media markets, or more so? I dunno. Discuss.

        • HistoriCat

          Presidential elections are the swing-state media's version of retail's reliance on Christmas shopping. They are counting on that sweet infusion of big money to tide them over in the lesser years.

          • glasspusher

            Awesome. Would that make today the political media equivalent of Black Friday? No one who's worked retail, including yours truly, forgets having worked a Black Friday. Fun to do a few times, but I'll pass on doing it again…

    • FNMA

      Because, as I repeatedly remind myself, people are fucking idiots. Not to get all misanthropic on you…

    • vulpes82

      THERE'S A BLACK MAN IN THE WHITE HOUSE!!11!!!!???!!

      • Mittaplasia

        There's a whole danged family of 'em moved in, too.

    • http://redstatepinko.blogspot.com/ RedStatePinko

      David Sedaris on undecided voters (2008!):
      "I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?'

      To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."
      http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2008/10/27/081027s

      • emmelemm

        He really does have a way with words.

    • StillGoinGreen

      It's the dead babies, methinks. And guns. And Jesus. Also.

    • BoroPrimorac

      White Males.

    • Biff

      Because campaigners want your money, that's why.

    • ThundercatHo

      This is how my hubby (real life smart person and sort of geek) explains it (accuracy is not guaranteed): The average IQ is 100 which means that 50% of people have an IQ of less that 100. Not being some kind of asshole MENSA snob but it's obvious that most people here have IQs well over 100.

      • harry_palmer

        Here's another way of saying that: You know how stupid the average person is? Half the people in the world are even stupider than that.

  • RomneysLogCabin

    OMG guys, I don't think Mitt is a robot anymore. He's a snotty Long Islander minus the leggings.

    • PubOption

      He's from Long Guy Land? I thought that Ann had already denied that.

      • RomneysLogCabin

        If only there was a thumbs down…. if only.

  • StillGoinGreen

    Why is it that, if Bloomberg had endorsed Miffed, he would be considered a smart businessman – but since he endorsed Obummer, he is a liberal elitist?

    Rich Republicans out for protecting only their interests = good businessmen
    Rich Democrats set on bettering the lives of all = liberal elitists

    I don't get it…

  • Disassembly

    I read that Krakauer book a few years ago so my memory's kind of hazy. That's the one where Joseph Smith leaves the NFL, climbs this huge mountain and then dies in a school bus, right?

    • glasspusher

      That about covers it. Well played, sir.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Or, as it used to be called, Jews for Geronimo.

  • sudsmckenzie

    When Jeebus comes back he will be a Rams fan?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      When Mitt retroactively baptises us, will we be Jazz fans?

  • UW8316154

    When Mittens is angry, his lips turn white.

    • BadKitty904

      "The A-2's always were a bit twitchy."

      • emmelemm

        We spotted them easy.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Can he lie without moving those white lips?

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I think Miffed got his magic undies in a bunch during this interview.

    • Caelan Aegana

      In middle school we called that the Miracle Wedgie.

  • friendlyskies

    Wow…. I've never seen Mittens act sincere. He should try that more often.

    • Terry

      He can't. None of his opinions are sincerely held. He just says what he thinks it will take to get elected.

    • eggsacklywright

      Too bad he's not that effusive about his tax returns.

    • BadKitty904

      I agree. Very life-like.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      was thinking the same thing. this guy could be a serious leader.

      i'd still think he was an asshole, but at least a convincing one.

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Yeah, it's not like Mormonis interfered with another state… Cough California Prop 8 Cough.

    • eggsacklywright

      Rommels' tithes funding the anti-gay. Our tax loopholes at work.

    • mbatch

      Hell, the Morms killed the Equal Rights Amendment back in the seventies. They've got a loooong history with this.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …who would have thought the church of Mormon flip flops more than Mittens on abortion?!?

  • UW8316154

    What a cunt.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      For the win.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    he’s lying for the Lord then too

    And God has spoken: Nobammah 80.9%; Mittens of Hair Gel 19.1%

    • Tommmcatt_Again

      Wow, talk about going out on a limb. My hot dork-chic fantasy boyfriend better be right on this one.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    From up in canine-Mormon heaven, Seamus grunts upon overhearing his master has shown another nay-sayer the doggie door.

    • YasserArraFeck

      Do Mormon dogs get their own fire hydrants in the afterlife?

    • vulpes82

      Nah, Seamus was a Buddhist.

  • JustPixelz

    Mitt confirmed one of my core beliefs: To be rich you have to be an asshole.

    I assume this is also how he talked to his sons when they lied to him constantly. (OK, technically they probably just told the truth but Mitt heard a lie, but still…)

    This is how he treats a conservative simpatico. Wait'll he's getting all "bipartisan" in the Dems grill. (ha ha, JK. Soon he'll only have servants to kick around.)

    • Tundra Grifter

      "Behind every great fortune is a crime."
      ~ Balzac

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    FACT: Mormons have been scientifically proven to be weird.

  • http://parterre.com La_Cieca

    "The problem is, Jan, you're glib. You don't know the history of abortion. I do."

    • eggsacklywright

      The history of abortion is written on the Golden Plates of Jumpin' Jehosephat.

    • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

      James?

    • Caelan Aegana

      That makes me stabby in so, SO many ways. Mitt retroactively modified his taxes, so can we retroactively modify his existance in the womb (you know, with votes)?

  • Tommy1733

    Wish I were not thinking about the following series of words: "Bishop W. Mitt Romney".

    Bishop. Mitt. Romney.

    My brain hurts.

    • JustPixelz

      Bishop of a religion made up so some guy could get more nookie. Which religion is that? AOTK.

      • Tommy1733

        He knows a lot more about his "faith" than you do, mister.

    • LagunaB

      Try this: Failed Presidential Candidate Mitt Romney.

      • HistoriCat

        As long as we don't have to go with Perpetual Candidate Mitt Romney.

    • lulzmonger

      Gotta admit, he IS excruciatingly diagonal.

  • LibertyLover

    Oh NOES! Mitt is the severely conservative person that he is trying like hell to pretend that he is not…

  • LesBontemps

    After the Second Coming, Jesus will reign from Missouri? Can't wait to see the theater he builds in Branson.

    • Ruhe

      One Thousand Years, Live from Branson? What if it's one of those horse-ridin' dinner theater things like Medieval Times or Dolly's Dixie Stampede? Would the show be Armageddon, twice nightly, six days a week? And what if the world-ending battle predicted in Apocalypse is really just this show? Hmmm. I wonder if Don DeLillo would be interested in buying this idea.

    • Mittaplasia

      Jesus will smite that sonovabich Akin on his first day in office.

      • bobbert

        One thing about Mormon Jesus, is he's a lot more about the smiting than New Testament Jesus.

  • http://www.notfrisco.com/colmatales/norton/proclaim.html#declaration Joshua Norton

    C'mon guys, Mittens is the ultimate American success story. It proves if you work really hard and just pull yourself up by the bootstraps you could get yourself born with a rich daddy too.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      10 simple steps to be wealthy and successful:

      1. Pick your parents carefully.
      O.K., that's all you need, go directly to the Caymans, skip steps 2 through 10

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Don't forget robbing people of their livelihoods by off shoring their jobs to increase your own already obscene wealth.

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          True, but step one makes that (and everything else in life) so much easier.<p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:16.0px Arial”> <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”><p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:14.0px Optima”> <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”>A society in which disclaimers are necessary¬† <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”>obviously has too many lawyers on retainer.

          • Nostrildamus

            1337

  • SorosBot

    How can Jan ask Romney about his core beliefs when he clearly doesn't have any?

  • Goonemeritus

    I have a hard time believing God wouldn’t rather set up shop in New York rather than Missouri. Are we to believe God’s Idea of entertainment is country music?

    • freakishlywrong

      It's Branson, baby!

    • PubOption

      If He did set up in Missouri, he might cut Joyce Meyer off from the gullible who send her all that money.

    • FNMA

      Not just country music. Yakov Smirnoff has a theater there too.

      • Kopite74011

        "In capitalist Branson, jokes tell you?"

        (I got nuthin'. Thought I had sumthin', but . . . no.)

    • YasserArraFeck

      "Yuh picked a fahn tahm tuh leave me Luciferrrrrr
      With 6 billion children"…… etc etc

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Glen Campbell's career went there to die, too. And don't forget Tony Orlando.

  • red_kira

    Is anyone else utterly terrified by the fact that a grown up adult human being – who MIGHT BE ELECTED PRESIDENT AND HAVE HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON – is seriously talking about Jesus coming and splitting the Mount of Olives, and then ruling for a millennium from there and from Missouri (that's quite a commute, BTW), utterly and absolutely straight faced? Like that completely wacked-out shizznit could HAPPEN?!?!? People – this seriously freaked me out.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, that's just the tip of the Mitt – Mormonism is as screwy as Mohammedism – crazies that decided Jesus just wasn't enough like them, and decided to build a religion on the bodies of their enemies, mostly themselves….

    • UW8316154

      And he spoke that shit like he *meant* it! Jesus Christ.

      I. Too. Am. Utterly. Terrified.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i wish you hadn't put it like that. i was still back on five minutes of convincing miffed mitt.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Just to be clear, ladies. On this tape, Mittens is telling you that he doesn't want you to have abortions under any circumstances at all, ever.

    All you vagina-owning Mittens supporters might want to keep that in mind. Just saying.

    • vulpes82

      But the vagina-owning Mittens supporters don't want other women to have abortions, either! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FETUSES???! (Now, when little Peggy Sue comes up knocked up by a Negro, that's different. A little trip to "Europe" will take care of that.)

    • Ruhe

      ""Vagina-owning" Mittens supporters"… You're referring to married christian conservative men, right?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Yeah, I wish….numbers show that there are substantial support from the vagina crowd for this clown….do this many women have a "just beat me" mentality?….I am deeply confused on this….

        • YasserArraFeck

          Vag-bots

      • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

        Oh snap.

      • emmelemm

        That is the definition of a "ZING!" (Cuz it's true.)

    • BoroPrimorac

      Vagina-owning MIttens supporters don't give a fuck about reproductive rights, all they want is jerbs, jerbs and more jerbs.

    • Biff

      "All you vagina-owning Mittens supporters"
      They go by Mittens' Kittens, I hear…

  • RomneysLogCabin

    This is a lot of rage over a fictional pile of olives.

    Where do you keep the bodies Mitt?

  • hagajim

    So the lying part of Mitt comes from way back….what a surprise. Ingrained.

  • mbobier

    Slightly OT, but have you ever noticed how close Mittens' eyebrows are to his eyes? He constantly has beetling brows. Somehow, it seems appropriate.

    • UW8316154

      And a tiny little face on a very large head.

  • memzilla

    So Mittbot 1.5 is saying "the Law will come from" Missouri and Jerusalem?

    Hmm. A substantial portion of our ICBMs are based in Missouri.

    • BadKitty904

      "The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb, and the firmament showeth His handiwork…May the Blessings of the Bomb Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout, descend upon us all. This day and forever more. Amen."

    • YasserArraFeck

      Well, Jeebus' first Fourth of July in Mizzuruh is going to be a humdinger. Huddled around fires, in caves, staying warm through the nuclear winter, the remaining humans're going to be still talking about it years later.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Delving wholesale into the qualm-inducing aspects of his family's faith entails too much risk, you see.
    The only "risk-taking" Mittens feels confident with is the kind when pursued say, during The Year[s] of Living Bain-gerously — and that's not even real risk, not when the safety net planted for you to land in is of your own daddy's making.

  • mbobier

    What a jackass — having a full-on, bullying tantrum on the radio. He really is NOT used to people questioning him in any serious way.

    Oh, and he cites Leon Skousen, as well! Perfect:
    http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2012/04/mitt-

  • beezie687

    This interview is why they had Mitt's emotion subroutine deleted.

  • Disassembly

    Enough stupid questions about Mormons. I want to elect whoever knows the top hip hop songs.

  • Tommy1733

    Watching this, I can really see the bullying asstard who gave that forced haircut.

    • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

      yup. what a dick.

  • Disassembly

    It's too bad that church dogma didn't say Jesus would come to Ohio. That might have been worth a point or two.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I just wish this race was over so that I can stop having to look at this guy, buy my weed legally and start having to listen to my Mom ask why I'm not married yet.

  • Come here a minute

    If you want to get Mittens going on the Mormonism, just ask him about his underwear and he'll talk all day. They love talking about the Mormon underwear!

    • BadKitty904

      I've noted, however, they *really don't like being questioned about the Mormon Church's INCREDIBLE wealth – the businesses owned, the real estate, etc., etc.

  • Tommy1733

    "Sorry sir, I know you say you parked a Land Rover, but I'm telling you all we have for you is a Yugo. Ha. Haha. Ha."

  • TootsStansbury

    I didn't watch the video. Every time I fall for it, I am horrified anew.

  • Ruhe

    Perhaps John McNaughton could get to work on a large tableaux depicting the Mormon Jesus and the other one meeting in Branson for an epic battle of the messiahs.

  • rabritz

    and Jesus wept, in missouri

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Nobody likes Mitt do they?

    • BadKitty904

      Who would you rather hang out with – Mittens or Bamz?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Nobody likes Mitt do they?

      And yet a lot of unlikeable people own friends — sort of like collectibles — which themselves are likeable.

      • Monsieur_Grumpe

        I got the feeling that the interviewer really wanted to like Mittens but the Mitt personality V2.0 is so putrid that is just not possible. Kind of like Windows Millennium. I still have not forgiven Bill Gates for that.

    • TootsStansbury

      Contemptuous, cynical and mean. What's not to like?

    • bikerlaureate

      But they'll vote for him.

      Huh.

  • belmontreport

    Mitt has two emotions: Bemused Robot Smirk and Manic Angry Robot.

  • mavenmaven

    Best moment- 2:12: "Just relax,ok? Just relax!"

    • Tommy1733

      "Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself! Behave yourself!"

  • 1stNewtontheMoon

    And when I say "the church" I mean some huckster fraud from 19th century upstate new york. also, multiple wives. the end.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    IT'S VERY SIMPLE, STUPID! JESUS PARTS MOUNT OLIVE IN JERUSALEM TO STOP THE INVADING ARMIES FROM KILLING THE JEWS, THEN HE SENDS DOWN THE LAW FROM JERUSALEM AND MISSOURI! WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID!?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    OK I just watched that video. He's a more defensive, arrogant, dismissive, angry asshole than McCain!

  • Tundra Grifter

    To be semi-serious on a beautiful Autumn morning – and best wishes to all on the East Coast and Midwest, dealing with a terrible storm.

    I mentioned before Michael Lewis' excellent article on President Obama in the October issue of "Vanity Fair." Mr. Obama states he was surprised that the Republicans could abandon positions they had previous held and not pay a political price for it.

    I would just like one person to explain to me which Multiple-Choice Miffed she or he supports.

    Is it Mittens 1994 who ran as a Massachusetts librul against Teddy Kennedy?

    The Mittens 2003 who ran for Governor? He no longer holds a single position he had then. He isn't running on his record – he's running from it.

    The uber-Conservative Mittens 2012.1 who ran for the Republican nomination in all those primaries (where, in the early states, fewer people voted for him in 2012 than they did in 2008)?

    Or Mittens 2012.2, who has Lurch'd to the center in a desperate attempt to win?

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      here's my thoughts about your excellent summary:

      the media has by and large ignored this extremely important narrative about the man who would be the leader of the free world (though 'the economist' made this a minor point in their very lukewarm endorsement of bamz). to me, this is far and away the most frightening thing about romney: he has no position, he could do ANYTHING in any situation and he seems to respond to events in the shallowest way imaginable.

      further: it is somehow bronco bama (who's been in office for four years) who 'owes america' his plan and agenda for the next four.

      • Tundra Grifter

        I think you are on to something here. Some time ago Michael Huffington (yes, Ariana's x) ran for Senator. He had no history and no discernable positions.

        People projected onto him what they wanted – or, perhaps more importantly, what they didn't like in the other candidates. "Well, at least he isn't…"

        It turned out he wasn't a lot of things. Including elected.

    • Gleem McShineys

      I think there is something to the idea that he's changed his colors so many times, all of his supporters see him as just the right shade they want to see.

      The strange part is that they wilfully look right past the usually-disqualifying issue of all of this crass pandering staring them right in the face, and somehow see what he's doing as a necessary evil. He has to hold differing opinions in order to appeal to people!

      How they don't see that as a seriously troubling negative is pretty much a mystery. I'm gonna go with "but he's got white skin" as the reason they so easily can look past this ridiculously obvious problem.

      • Tundra Grifter

        It marks a stark contrast to the defense of George Bush by people like Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity.

        "You may not agree with him, but at least you know what he stands for."

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Life is too short to spend five minutes listening to that crap.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i don't think any smart god would spend that much time in missouri.

    london, maybe.

    not missouri.

  • ttommyunger

    Can't talk about his Faith, can't talk about his Taxes other than that, fire away. No, wait, can't talk about that, either.

  • DahBoner

    Is it true Mitt Romney won't get sworn in using The Bible?

    Will he instead be standing naked holding The Book of Mormon, while 67 14-year old Sisterwives desparately try in vein to fluff up his limp dick???

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Gah! There are things that can't be unseen, Boner.

  • GemlikeFlame

    Acts like a man on the verge of a psychotic break. Or has that happened once or twice already? Either way, the pressure leading up to the election ought to produce some really entertaining and bizarre behavior. It's kind of sad when one of the potential leaders of the free world is reduced to an entertainment source, but that's postmodernism for you.

  • An_Outhouse

    no,no,no,no.MY Church says that athletic Jesus comes back to run the NYC marathon right after a devastating tragedy, the first Jew to win it. Then there's accusations he's actually the anti-Christ, which pisses him off so he spites the Kenyan who was whining that he cheated him out of his rightful trophy. Jesus then must leave the country, goes to Jerusalem, turns the olives into oil, and retires in Missouri.

    Look it up.

  • PhilippePetain

    I'm sure that if there was anything politically inconvenient that came up with the Church for Mitt, the prophets could probably just get together and change church doctrine to fit popular opinion.

    • Steverino247

      Well, I can confirm having seen Gladys Knight at Utah State University in the early 1980's, performing with the Pips at a Tupperware convention.

      Really. It was a good show. You could tell the Pips wanted her to finish the damned show already, but she was sucking up the attention.

      • PhilippePetain

        Maybe Mitt can get a few Pips to play his alternate universe Sandy telethon.

  • lulzmonger

    Christ, what an asshole.

    Yick. The one time Willard actually takes on a tinge of mammalian personality … & it's because he's raging over how zealous his Mormonism is. Someone needs to take that motherfucker's Magical Ginch out a notch or three ASAP.

    Mormonism: the baby you'd get if a Ponzi scheme fucked Christianity. It could never have been a non-subject in 2012 without the commercial media lickspittles' dedication to pimping nanoid memetic gruel 24/7 instead, so here's hoping THEY get a good hard burnjob for that soon.

  • cousinitt

    When Mittens talks about Christ coming to Missouri to eventually set up the New Disneyland, there is a hesitancy in his otherwise pissed-off voice that comes off as, "I know you think I'm a loon, but dammit, Jannit, deal with it." So, you become the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth and you sit down with other world leaders and you're the one who thinks God is going to make one of your own states the one true Mecca. That should go well.

    Speaking of which, I grew up near Independence and there are actually Mormons already there with a temple and everything. But it's the RLDS (Reorganized) splinter group. This is not some small group of inbreds but a quarter million strong who never liked polygamy but did like Joseph Smith's wife and kids. See, the wife and kids after Joe got kilt, stayed in verdant western Missouri with their followers while the other splinter group went on to the Salt Lake hellscape, kinda like the Sunni/Shia split. If you really want to get Mitt mad, ask him about the RLDS sometime. And then if you want to see steam from nostrils ask him about the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

  • rickmaci

    "The early Mormon Church was cold killin’ wagon trains of Arkansans all the time, and generally being weirdo murdery liars."

    Kolob Libel !! Oh wait, it ain't libel when it's true.

  • Mittaplasia

    Well, that just sucks. I moved from Missouri to Sodom of SoCal, so you know we're gonna' be the first ones Jeebus smites. Talk about bad timing, but at least I'm not subjected to Rapin' Akin ads, so there's the silver cloud.

  • Redgyal

    Unless they made Mormon a new race, you can't be racist towards them. Just saying…..Wonkette.

  • 415buzzard

    I gave my ancient, conservative dad that Krakauer book to read about a year ago when I saw the Tide of Romney rising. He read it and I think he is either not going to vote this year or maybe he will go for Barry. I see this as progress.