today in hissies

Listen Jack, Mitt Romney Ain’t Here To Talk About No Mormonism, See?

Why are we running this clip from 2007? Only because it is awesome. Gather round your iNook and watch in wonder as a murderously Miffed Romney gushes period blood all over this nice fellow, Jan Mikelson, a conservative radio host from WHO Iowa. They are talking about Miffed’s stance on abortion and the Mormon Church, and Miffed is all “I didn’t come here to talk about Mormon!” and “I’m totally pro-life but it’s not because of Mormon” (it’s because he wanted the GOP nomination, duh) and “I think I know my church better than you!” He is ranting and freaking out and seriously having a cow, man. But why wouldn’t Ol’ Miffed want to have a nice conversation? It could have been thoughtful, and interesting! Well, as Charlie P. Pierce at Esquire never tires of reminding us, Miffed simply does not care to be Questioned by The Help.

Now, we have been reading Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven, and my, it is a doozy! The early Mormon Church was cold killin’ wagon trains of Arkansans all the time, and generally being weirdo murdery liars. Lying for the Lord, in fact, was a matter of personal integrity! (As was robbing people blind before or after you killed them, didn’t make no never mind.)

So we feel kind of racist for being all DAAAMN, MORMONS, but seriously: DAAAMN, MORMONS! Anyway, we think it’d be nice to see Miffed actually talk about the tenets of his faith, and what he believes — like, calm and Charlie Rose-style — instead of going batshit when his (REALLY BIZARRE) church is mentioned.

Oh, and when Miffed says that people in the Mormon church can feel rabidly about something (say, being pro-life) without trying to mess with other people’s secular choices, he’s lying for the Lord then too.

It just comes so easy to him, don’t it?

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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      1. Barbara_

        I often wonder "what would Jesus do?" Something tells me that Jesus would hold my jacket, so that I could take a swing at this guy. (with votes)

        1. redarmyzombie

          I dunno Barb, methinks it's too great of a temptation for even Jesus to not take a swing at that smug fucking smirk.

      2. weejee

        Shrub was the smirking chimp. So is Mittens the smirking robot, the smirking android, the smirking bag of Cheetos™, the smirking…what?

        1. Barbara_

          Just 100-ish more hours, Wee Jee and we can send him back to one of his many homes instead of to the White House.

    1. eggsacklywright

      Or that fake plastered-on grin he adopts when being asked questions he doesn't want to, and will not, answer.

          1. thatsitfortheother1


            Who'd a thought "Steve Jobs" would be the answer to "What's your favorite sex act."

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    Will the fundies revert to classifying the Ladder Day Saints a cult after Miffed loses on Tuesday? Or, are they too just Lying for the Lord?

    Also, Krakauer’s book was even more eye popping than I thought it would be.

        1. glasspusher

          Brain function, always the first thing to go, makes self-diagnosis impossible. Ditto hypothermia. I got first degree frostbite on Mt. Washington in NH in the winter, once, and didn't even notice, my climbing partner did. Mitt should use the buddy system.

    1. SorosBot

      Oh I'm sure Mitt's Mormonisms will be one of the many reasons he failed to unseat "that one", which any True Conservative should have been able to do; remember that in wingnut land, conservatism can never fail, it can only be failed.

    2. Ruhe

      I've said this before but again…It surprises me that more Christian Fundamentalists don't embrace Mormonism as a uniquely "American" version of Christianity, one un-mediated by any middle eastern "darkness".

      1. vulpes82

        The Fundy Middle East of the Bible isn't "dark," though. It's all blond-hair-and-blue-eyed Mary and Jesus and Charlton Heston as Moses.

      2. bobbert

        That is, of course, what old Joe designed it to be. I'd be curious to know what percentage of converts do come over from the more traditional fundies.

    3. BoroPrimorac

      As soon as Ohio is called for Obama, Mormons will go back to being that crazy religion from Utah.

    4. bikerlaureate

      This is a huge reversal of what is preached.
      Some of us know just how emphatically the Mormons are slammed for not holding Jesus in uniquely high esteem / denying the Trinity. It's quite amazing to me that so many hardline evangelicals are rejecting the incumbent – who has said nothing in clear contradiction to his often stated Christian faith – and are clinging to innuendo and laughably circumstantial evidence, in order to justify their support of a "non-Christian".

  2. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate: will Mittens outlaw alcohol, caffeine and nicotine if elected? There are some who say…

  3. actor212

    I can't imagine why an entitled asshole from a religion that deems itself superior to the prevailing faith of the majority of the nation would not want to address this issue with one of those people!

    1. GemlikeFlame

      Well, to be evenhanded, all of those faiths consider themselves superior to every other one, especially those that are most closely related to but distinct from the One True Religion (whichever one that is, and pretty much means all of them.)

    1. glasspusher

      I had 4 (out of a possible of 6) visits from the squeaky clean Mormon missionaries before I left NJ for grad school. Fascinating. This "get your own planet" stuff could certainly explain the weird shit that happens on this one. Well played, sir.

    1. actor212

      There are several levels of retardation:

      1) Mild, or highly functional
      2) Moderate, or trainable with minimal oversight
      3) Severe, or dependent retardation, meaning one will need life long, constant care
      4) and Profound, or Mormon.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    The first rule of Mormon Club, don't talk about Mormon Club. I would rather see Mitt get punched in the face by Edward Norton anyway.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Sometimes on an hourly basis?

      And would lying, reversing the lie and then telling it again count as three lies?

  5. glasspusher

    It's only fair. Obama was never asked any questions about Jeremiah Wright, right?

    Nice to pop in, folks, but I'll be busy until next week. Looking forward to a celebration on Tuesday night.

      1. glasspusher

        I sooooo want Barry to take Florida. It will be sweet, sweet revenge for the clusterfuck I got to witness after moving to the Sunshine State on Oct 1 2000, just in time to be a spectator to the horror. You had to be there 6 weeks to register to vote. Now safely in a much more western Bay Area…

        UPDATE: fivethirtyeight has Romney's lead in FLA evaporating like ether in a chem lab. Oh please oh please

    1. Mumbletypeg


      Depends. Having just found what give'em hell-Harry Reid's been doing since his motor-caravan accident (answer: early voting, is what!): Reid was quoted saying "We’re virtually ahead in every state" but then I guess it's his job to appear optimistic?

    2. Toomush_Infer

      Yeah….and especially, why are so many women supporters of this robot?…It's the hair, isn't it, and the height, the big jaw…..please, please tell me I'm wrong….

      1. glasspusher

        Srsly. All that campaign money is making the purveyors of the airwaves rich, you would think?Maybe less so because the battleground states aren't big media markets, or more so? I dunno. Discuss.

        1. HistoriCat

          Presidential elections are the swing-state media's version of retail's reliance on Christmas shopping. They are counting on that sweet infusion of big money to tide them over in the lesser years.

          1. glasspusher

            Awesome. Would that make today the political media equivalent of Black Friday? No one who's worked retail, including yours truly, forgets having worked a Black Friday. Fun to do a few times, but I'll pass on doing it again…

    3. RedStatePinko

      David Sedaris on undecided voters (2008!):
      "I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?'

      To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked."

    4. ThundercatHo

      This is how my hubby (real life smart person and sort of geek) explains it (accuracy is not guaranteed): The average IQ is 100 which means that 50% of people have an IQ of less that 100. Not being some kind of asshole MENSA snob but it's obvious that most people here have IQs well over 100.

      1. harry_palmer

        Here's another way of saying that: You know how stupid the average person is? Half the people in the world are even stupider than that.

  6. RomneysLogCabin

    OMG guys, I don't think Mitt is a robot anymore. He's a snotty Long Islander minus the leggings.

  7. StillGoinGreen

    Why is it that, if Bloomberg had endorsed Miffed, he would be considered a smart businessman – but since he endorsed Obummer, he is a liberal elitist?

    Rich Republicans out for protecting only their interests = good businessmen
    Rich Democrats set on bettering the lives of all = liberal elitists

    I don't get it…

  8. Disassembly

    I read that Krakauer book a few years ago so my memory's kind of hazy. That's the one where Joseph Smith leaves the NFL, climbs this huge mountain and then dies in a school bus, right?

    1. Terry

      He can't. None of his opinions are sincerely held. He just says what he thinks it will take to get elected.

    1. mbatch

      Hell, the Morms killed the Equal Rights Amendment back in the seventies. They've got a loooong history with this.

    1. Tommmcatt_Again

      Wow, talk about going out on a limb. My hot dork-chic fantasy boyfriend better be right on this one.

  9. JustPixelz

    Mitt confirmed one of my core beliefs: To be rich you have to be an asshole.

    I assume this is also how he talked to his sons when they lied to him constantly. (OK, technically they probably just told the truth but Mitt heard a lie, but still…)

    This is how he treats a conservative simpatico. Wait'll he's getting all "bipartisan" in the Dems grill. (ha ha, JK. Soon he'll only have servants to kick around.)

    1. Caelan Aegana

      That makes me stabby in so, SO many ways. Mitt retroactively modified his taxes, so can we retroactively modify his existance in the womb (you know, with votes)?

  10. Tommy1733

    Wish I were not thinking about the following series of words: "Bishop W. Mitt Romney".

    Bishop. Mitt. Romney.

    My brain hurts.

  11. LibertyLover

    Oh NOES! Mitt is the severely conservative person that he is trying like hell to pretend that he is not…

  12. LesBontemps

    After the Second Coming, Jesus will reign from Missouri? Can't wait to see the theater he builds in Branson.

    1. Ruhe

      One Thousand Years, Live from Branson? What if it's one of those horse-ridin' dinner theater things like Medieval Times or Dolly's Dixie Stampede? Would the show be Armageddon, twice nightly, six days a week? And what if the world-ending battle predicted in Apocalypse is really just this show? Hmmm. I wonder if Don DeLillo would be interested in buying this idea.

  13. Joshua Norton

    C'mon guys, Mittens is the ultimate American success story. It proves if you work really hard and just pull yourself up by the bootstraps you could get yourself born with a rich daddy too.

    1. boskolives

      10 simple steps to be wealthy and successful:

      1. Pick your parents carefully.
      O.K., that's all you need, go directly to the Caymans, skip steps 2 through 10

        1. boskolives

          True, but step one makes that (and everything else in life) so much easier.<p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:16.0px Arial”> <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”><p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:14.0px Optima”> <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”>A society in which disclaimers are necessary  <p style=”margin:0px 0px 0px 0px;font:13.0px Courier”>obviously has too many lawyers on retainer.

  14. Goonemeritus

    I have a hard time believing God wouldn’t rather set up shop in New York rather than Missouri. Are we to believe God’s Idea of entertainment is country music?

    1. PubOption

      If He did set up in Missouri, he might cut Joyce Meyer off from the gullible who send her all that money.

  15. red_kira

    Is anyone else utterly terrified by the fact that a grown up adult human being – who MIGHT BE ELECTED PRESIDENT AND HAVE HIS FINGER ON THE BUTTON – is seriously talking about Jesus coming and splitting the Mount of Olives, and then ruling for a millennium from there and from Missouri (that's quite a commute, BTW), utterly and absolutely straight faced? Like that completely wacked-out shizznit could HAPPEN?!?!? People – this seriously freaked me out.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Oh, that's just the tip of the Mitt – Mormonism is as screwy as Mohammedism – crazies that decided Jesus just wasn't enough like them, and decided to build a religion on the bodies of their enemies, mostly themselves….

  16. elviouslyqueer

    Just to be clear, ladies. On this tape, Mittens is telling you that he doesn't want you to have abortions under any circumstances at all, ever.

    All you vagina-owning Mittens supporters might want to keep that in mind. Just saying.

    1. vulpes82

      But the vagina-owning Mittens supporters don't want other women to have abortions, either! WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE FETUSES???! (Now, when little Peggy Sue comes up knocked up by a Negro, that's different. A little trip to "Europe" will take care of that.)

      1. Toomush_Infer

        Yeah, I wish….numbers show that there are substantial support from the vagina crowd for this clown….do this many women have a "just beat me" mentality?….I am deeply confused on this….

    2. BoroPrimorac

      Vagina-owning MIttens supporters don't give a fuck about reproductive rights, all they want is jerbs, jerbs and more jerbs.

  17. mbobier

    Slightly OT, but have you ever noticed how close Mittens' eyebrows are to his eyes? He constantly has beetling brows. Somehow, it seems appropriate.

    1. BadKitty904

      "The heavens declare the glory of the Bomb, and the firmament showeth His handiwork…May the Blessings of the Bomb Almighty, and the Fellowship of the Holy Fallout, descend upon us all. This day and forever more. Amen."

    2. YasserArraFeck

      Well, Jeebus' first Fourth of July in Mizzuruh is going to be a humdinger. Huddled around fires, in caves, staying warm through the nuclear winter, the remaining humans're going to be still talking about it years later.

  18. Mumbletypeg

    Delving wholesale into the qualm-inducing aspects of his family's faith entails too much risk, you see.
    The only "risk-taking" Mittens feels confident with is the kind when pursued say, during The Year[s] of Living Bain-gerously — and that's not even real risk, not when the safety net planted for you to land in is of your own daddy's making.

  19. Disassembly

    It's too bad that church dogma didn't say Jesus would come to Ohio. That might have been worth a point or two.

  20. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I just wish this race was over so that I can stop having to look at this guy, buy my weed legally and start having to listen to my Mom ask why I'm not married yet.

  21. Come here a minute

    If you want to get Mittens going on the Mormonism, just ask him about his underwear and he'll talk all day. They love talking about the Mormon underwear!

    1. BadKitty904

      I've noted, however, they *really don't like being questioned about the Mormon Church's INCREDIBLE wealth – the businesses owned, the real estate, etc., etc.

  22. Tommy1733

    "Sorry sir, I know you say you parked a Land Rover, but I'm telling you all we have for you is a Yugo. Ha. Haha. Ha."

  23. Ruhe

    Perhaps John McNaughton could get to work on a large tableaux depicting the Mormon Jesus and the other one meeting in Branson for an epic battle of the messiahs.

      1. Monsieur_Grumpe

        I got the feeling that the interviewer really wanted to like Mittens but the Mitt personality V2.0 is so putrid that is just not possible. Kind of like Windows Millennium. I still have not forgiven Bill Gates for that.

  24. 1stNewtontheMoon

    And when I say "the church" I mean some huckster fraud from 19th century upstate new york. also, multiple wives. the end.

  25. iburl


  26. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    OK I just watched that video. He's a more defensive, arrogant, dismissive, angry asshole than McCain!

  27. Tundra Grifter

    To be semi-serious on a beautiful Autumn morning – and best wishes to all on the East Coast and Midwest, dealing with a terrible storm.

    I mentioned before Michael Lewis' excellent article on President Obama in the October issue of "Vanity Fair." Mr. Obama states he was surprised that the Republicans could abandon positions they had previous held and not pay a political price for it.

    I would just like one person to explain to me which Multiple-Choice Miffed she or he supports.

    Is it Mittens 1994 who ran as a Massachusetts librul against Teddy Kennedy?

    The Mittens 2003 who ran for Governor? He no longer holds a single position he had then. He isn't running on his record – he's running from it.

    The uber-Conservative Mittens 2012.1 who ran for the Republican nomination in all those primaries (where, in the early states, fewer people voted for him in 2012 than they did in 2008)?

    Or Mittens 2012.2, who has Lurch'd to the center in a desperate attempt to win?

    1. fuflans

      here's my thoughts about your excellent summary:

      the media has by and large ignored this extremely important narrative about the man who would be the leader of the free world (though 'the economist' made this a minor point in their very lukewarm endorsement of bamz). to me, this is far and away the most frightening thing about romney: he has no position, he could do ANYTHING in any situation and he seems to respond to events in the shallowest way imaginable.

      further: it is somehow bronco bama (who's been in office for four years) who 'owes america' his plan and agenda for the next four.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        I think you are on to something here. Some time ago Michael Huffington (yes, Ariana's x) ran for Senator. He had no history and no discernable positions.

        People projected onto him what they wanted – or, perhaps more importantly, what they didn't like in the other candidates. "Well, at least he isn't…"

        It turned out he wasn't a lot of things. Including elected.

    2. Gleem McShineys

      I think there is something to the idea that he's changed his colors so many times, all of his supporters see him as just the right shade they want to see.

      The strange part is that they wilfully look right past the usually-disqualifying issue of all of this crass pandering staring them right in the face, and somehow see what he's doing as a necessary evil. He has to hold differing opinions in order to appeal to people!

      How they don't see that as a seriously troubling negative is pretty much a mystery. I'm gonna go with "but he's got white skin" as the reason they so easily can look past this ridiculously obvious problem.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        It marks a stark contrast to the defense of George Bush by people like Sheer uh "Am i uh An Idiot?" uh InSannity.

        "You may not agree with him, but at least you know what he stands for."

  28. ttommyunger

    Can't talk about his Faith, can't talk about his Taxes other than that, fire away. No, wait, can't talk about that, either.

  29. DahBoner

    Is it true Mitt Romney won't get sworn in using The Bible?

    Will he instead be standing naked holding The Book of Mormon, while 67 14-year old Sisterwives desparately try in vein to fluff up his limp dick???

  30. GemlikeFlame

    Acts like a man on the verge of a psychotic break. Or has that happened once or twice already? Either way, the pressure leading up to the election ought to produce some really entertaining and bizarre behavior. It's kind of sad when one of the potential leaders of the free world is reduced to an entertainment source, but that's postmodernism for you.

  31. An_Outhouse

    no,no,no,no.MY Church says that athletic Jesus comes back to run the NYC marathon right after a devastating tragedy, the first Jew to win it. Then there's accusations he's actually the anti-Christ, which pisses him off so he spites the Kenyan who was whining that he cheated him out of his rightful trophy. Jesus then must leave the country, goes to Jerusalem, turns the olives into oil, and retires in Missouri.

    Look it up.

    1. Steverino247

      Well, I can confirm having seen Gladys Knight at Utah State University in the early 1980's, performing with the Pips at a Tupperware convention.

      Really. It was a good show. You could tell the Pips wanted her to finish the damned show already, but she was sucking up the attention.

  32. lulzmonger

    Christ, what an asshole.

    Yick. The one time Willard actually takes on a tinge of mammalian personality … & it's because he's raging over how zealous his Mormonism is. Someone needs to take that motherfucker's Magical Ginch out a notch or three ASAP.

    Mormonism: the baby you'd get if a Ponzi scheme fucked Christianity. It could never have been a non-subject in 2012 without the commercial media lickspittles' dedication to pimping nanoid memetic gruel 24/7 instead, so here's hoping THEY get a good hard burnjob for that soon.

  33. cousinitt

    When Mittens talks about Christ coming to Missouri to eventually set up the New Disneyland, there is a hesitancy in his otherwise pissed-off voice that comes off as, "I know you think I'm a loon, but dammit, Jannit, deal with it." So, you become the leader of the most powerful nation on Earth and you sit down with other world leaders and you're the one who thinks God is going to make one of your own states the one true Mecca. That should go well.

    Speaking of which, I grew up near Independence and there are actually Mormons already there with a temple and everything. But it's the RLDS (Reorganized) splinter group. This is not some small group of inbreds but a quarter million strong who never liked polygamy but did like Joseph Smith's wife and kids. See, the wife and kids after Joe got kilt, stayed in verdant western Missouri with their followers while the other splinter group went on to the Salt Lake hellscape, kinda like the Sunni/Shia split. If you really want to get Mitt mad, ask him about the RLDS sometime. And then if you want to see steam from nostrils ask him about the Mountain Meadows Massacre.

  34. rickmaci

    "The early Mormon Church was cold killin’ wagon trains of Arkansans all the time, and generally being weirdo murdery liars."

    Kolob Libel !! Oh wait, it ain't libel when it's true.

  35. Mittaplasia

    Well, that just sucks. I moved from Missouri to Sodom of SoCal, so you know we're gonna' be the first ones Jeebus smites. Talk about bad timing, but at least I'm not subjected to Rapin' Akin ads, so there's the silver cloud.

  36. 415buzzard

    I gave my ancient, conservative dad that Krakauer book to read about a year ago when I saw the Tide of Romney rising. He read it and I think he is either not going to vote this year or maybe he will go for Barry. I see this as progress.

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