open the pod bay door hal

Looks Like Tagg Romney Has Already Leaked Next Week’s ‘Election’ ‘Results’

seems legitIt is time, once again, to PANIC! As you can see above, Unskewed Polls has released a new chart that at first blush doesn’t seem to have any basis in reality. So why would they post such a hilarious result? Well, you have not been keeping up with Your Wonkette. Let’s rectify that now! It is so that when they steal the election, they can point to this “polling” and say the results were in line, duh. As Doktor Zoom explainered with an assist from Harper’s, the GOPpies are ready and able to steal every precinct that doesn’t count paper ballots by hand. As Your Editrix explained a week or whatever ago, one of only six voting machine vendors is owned by former Bain employees. (The others, per Dok’s Harper’s article, are pretty much all owned by the Koch Brothers and run by actual felons, except for the ones that are owned by Tagg Romney.) And as some former NSA analyst explained (but we didn’t post on it, because “depressed”), the way they steal your votes is by siphoning them from the largest precincts. Oh yes, and as The Grio explained this week also too, they are already disappearing early votes from the totals in heavily African-American and Democratic Broward County precincts. But that one, first described as a “computer glitch,” was totally just a woman who couldn’t do numbers good and stuff.

Blah blah blah tinfoil hat. Sure! Count us in! Because it is official Wonkette Editorial Policy that Bush stole Ohio, we don’t care if you kick us out of your Cool Pundit Club. And who else seems to be coming around to our way of thinking? One “Morning Joe” Scarborough, that’s who! Witness:

With President Obama maintaining his five-point lead in Ohio in today’s poll, Romney must run the table on the six remaining swing states or expand the electoral map. Considering how rough the internals look in this morning’s Ohio survey, Boston must know that winning the White House now depends on their candidate stealing Michigan, Minnesota or Pennsylvania out of the Obama column next Tuesday. Their play in those three Midwest states now appears to be more out of weakness than strength, though a new survey does put Romney within 3 points in Michigan.

Welcome to the Voting Machine Truther Brigades, Joe. You’ll like it here, except most of our refreshments are vegan bullshit.

[UnskewedPolls]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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228 comments

  1. Troglodeity

    They're issuing this now, so that when they steal the election in Ohio and Pennsylvania a week from now it won't look quite so blatant.

      1. SmutBoffin

        So we're agreed! Mitt will steal the election and Wonkette will be the first website to sell "Mittler [swatika]" bumper stickers.

      2. Troglodeity

        Um, yeah, bit of a fail on my part. I guess I'm just serving as the Department of Redundancy Department.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      the Mitt Campaign has also been in Illinois, promising to win in Obama's home state. Just greasing the skids for that theft too.

  2. Mittens Howell, III

    Illinois in a sea of red? Don't back Chicago into a corner. People will get hurt. (With knifey-votes)

  3. SnarkOff

    "…the way they steal your votes is by siphoning them from the largest precincts."

    So it's "I Drink Your Milkshake — with Votes!" ?

  4. GeorgiaMike

    Myth is going to carry Oregon? And every single one of what are now called swing states. This sounds like Tagg Palin Romney's fevered fantasy that popped into his mind when Egg was giving her little man a sponge bath.

      1. LesBontemps

        From what I've seen of Oregon, apparently Eugene is where people go who think Portland is way too uptight.

      1. YerMa

        I do. WI Dems have been beaten to shit for 2 years. Our spirits were crushed in 2010 when Walker came in and we lost Feingold, FEINGOLD, FFS. The good guys need a win here. We *deserve* a win here. Enough of this teabagging, selfish, "i got mine fuck you" bullshit, I say.

        We suck at special and mid-terms, but GOD DAMMIT, we have got general elections. .

  5. Mittens Howell, III

    Oregon goes red as hipsters in Portland confuse trendy food trucks with voting booths.

    1. zumpie

      We don't have voting booths here—which is precisely why this is complete busllhsit—-we're 100% vote by mail, with paper ballots. Have been so entirely since 2000 and by varying degrees since 1981.

      And yes, it is completely awesome.

        1. zumpie

          Oh, I'm sure it's 100% post consumer recycled and shit. Though "being green" doesn't stop parents from driving their kiddies 4 blocks to and from school in huge gas guzzlers, though…

          Oh also, too, also on the vote by mail, it also saves the state over $3 million every year.

          1. kyeshinka

            Good to know. Here in Iowa it's soy paper ballots which are picked up by soy trucks. Mitt doesn't think windmills can go on cars but I'm sure I'll see one before too long.

            This is why everyone here starts drinking at around noon.

          2. zumpie

            What's this commie pinko soy shit you speak of??? I thought all you guys ever thought about was teh corn!

        1. zumpie

          Only 48 to go! Our neighbor to the north (and basically the same state—even though natives of neither state like to admit it), Washington saw how well it worked and does it too.

          I'll rub salt in the wound: It's easier, enjoys huge bipartisan support, if you mail in your ballot quickly you don't get campaign calls, if you can't afford a stamp (or waited) there are drop bixes all over town. Oh it's also cheaper and no voter intimidation!

          1. CommieDad

            We are NOT the same state. There are FAR MORE RIGHT WING wackos in Washington. Like all my neighbors. Also, we border Idaho. Oh wait. We border Canada and have to worry about terrorist coming to bomb the space needle.

            Plus getting stoned in Portland is FAR MORE FUN than Seattle, as you have Powells.

          2. zumpie

            But you have Wild Waves, the only thing resembling a theme park in the PNW!!! Not to mention football and baseball teams–and you're more like a real city.Oh and Leavenwoth for Octoberfest and Xmas fesitivities.

            As for Idaho and wingnuts: A) we border Idaho, too—at least you border the panhandle, which is the supposedly liberal part (with the pretty lakes and stuff), b) you actually ARE the more progessive state—Cook PVI puts us at D+4 and you at D+5. Seattle has the bluest district in the PNW.

            But I'll be the first to bag on Vantucky if you like!

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Sudden ice storm* makes the streets too slick to ride their fixies to the polls on Tuesday.

      (*they actually have these, in Portland)

    3. SmutBoffin

      I wish this were a joke, but there are no college students voting here and no campaign presence on any campuses.

    4. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Ha! that would be what does it. If this isn't an example of wishful thinking I don't know WHAT is. Let's see in 2010 when teabags were hung from many capitals my state just merely made a slight 'correction' to be split-majority. Kitzhaber won as Governor over his douchecanoe opponent. The problem with this 'unskewed' redtard is that he thinks Mittens is resonating well here; he isn't. Miffed hasn't come here, Obama hasn't come here but Bill Clinton has and he sold out the house. Miffed redtard the Rbot has two chances of winning Oregon: Jack and shit and Jack just left town…

    5. azeyote

      yea we get to smoke the gange while we vote at home – but noone gets that stoned to vote for whats his name – wait a minute what's goin on anyway and who's gonna put the tag to a romney? sounds kinky

  6. Oblios_Cap

    It's like the GOPers all skipped kindergarten. They don't share with others, they're poor losers, they cheat without remorse, etc.

    I hope they get a spanking next week along with a lengthy time out.

    1. BadKitty904

      Ya know, I said that very thing to my bf the other day, when we were babysitting some nephews and nieces – "If any of these guys acted like the average GOPer, they'd get a switchin'!"

      1. Fare la Volpe

        my bf

        Why do you say these lies just to make me jealous? Stop being so coy, darling!

        (Fer serials I'm sure he's a wonderful feller who tosses a mean salad)

    2. Dudleydidwrong

      Yeah, but I hope those bastards keep running with scissors 'cause when the slip and fall, it'll be all over. "Hold the pointy end toward your body, dears."

    3. rmjagg

      " ! hope they get a spanking next week along with a lengthy time out. " … with a guillotine , followed by eternity

    1. fuflans

      i imagine no matter what happens next tuesday, this map will go down in wonklore like karl rove's prediction in '08 and FOX's map of the middle east.

  7. EatsBabyDingos

    These poll results brought to you by Harvey, the 6' tall rabbit pollster. Does not taste like chicken, but looks like one.

      1. Mittens Howell, III

        To: IRS

        Enclosed is my tax return, an accurate summary of my earnings over the past year,

        From: Mitt Romney

      1. tessiee

        "Arrowroot cleared his throat. "Once upon a time," he began.

        "Call me Ishmael," said Gimlet.

        "Whanne in Aprille," started Legolam.

        "Hear me, oh Muse," commenced Bromosel."

        Bored of the Rings

  8. YouFail4eva

    So, when do we get our tinfoil hats? And Where do I go to get my rabies injection so I can start frothing from the mouth?

  9. danielwalldammit

    Guess this is a more economical approach than the haphazard techniques the GOP has used so far. This is way better than suppressing all the minority names, and Glenn beck doesn't even have to blab about any non-profits for months. Yay for efficiency!

  10. HogeyeGrex

    What the fuck is it going to take for someone to go to jail for election fraud?

    Okay, okay. Besides finding some Democrat doing it.

      1. tessiee

        Both the President and Gov. Christie have demonstrated them in the past few days. Maybe Obama doesn't intend to take this lying down.

      1. lulzmonger

        Jacqueline Maiden, the county election board's third-ranking employee, and Kathleen Dreamer, an assistant manager, have each been convicted of a felony count of negligent misconduct and a misdemeanor count of failing to perform their duties

        ♬ You may say she's a Dreamer, but she's not the only one (convicted of a felony) … ♪

      2. HogeyeGrex

        Hmm. Maybe. It looks like a "couple of bad apples" went up for "not doing their jobs right", but nobody has really been held to account for actively suborning the process. Nobody calling the shots is in the stripey-hole, and they damned well should be. Until they are, we can expect more of the same.

        1. Estproph

          Yep. Ohio went to Bush on the strength of CLEVELAND, which the night before had about 200,000 people turn out to see Kerry. I was there. There is no way in hell that I will ever believe that Bush won Ohio, but they gave it to him, a couple minions got a slap on the wrist, and Justice Was Restored.

      1. Gleem McShineys

        If there were no Librals out there on the coasts to focus their hatred upon, the wingnuts might start getting upset about real issues, like "WHATCHOO MEAN YOU AINTA PAID NO TAXEZ ON YOR MILLIONS?!"

        Yeah, probably not. Guess this map made me think about unrealistic fantasy worlds.

  11. Callyson

    one of only six voting machine vendors is owned by former Bain employees. (The others, per Dok’s Harper’s article, are pretty much all owned by the Koch Brothers and run by actual felons, except for the ones that owned by Tagg Romney.)

    FFS, who thought private ownership of voting machines was a good idea in the first place?

    I know, I know, "And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that's even better." JFC…

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      I did this really geeky thing after the 2000 election with Florida results. I had been hearing about Black Boxes and stolen votes through the electronic voting machines. From each precinct, I took the election results, the registered voters by affiliation and what type of voting apparatus they used. I found that the percentage by political affiliation were right in line with the voting result percentages where the electronic voting machines were used. However, nearly every precinct that used a certain type of machine to count hand ballots had a higher percentage of GOP results compared to registered affiliation. I came to the conclusion that I would never do this again.

  12. Goonemeritus

    I don’t want B-12 deficient vegans guarding us against election rigging, I want big mean carnivores chained to cinder-blocks awaiting release at the first hint of impropriety.

    1. zhenjiu

      What is all this vitriol against vegans? We are not B-12 deficient, we are not weak, and we are mostly progressive. Pick on some other 'fringe' group, meat man!

      1. Goonemeritus

        I am married to a vegan and as such I end up eating like her most of the time. I disagree about the B-12 thing were it not for regular shots she would just plain tip over. My sample size may be small but there does seem to be a correlation there. On the whole I believe it is a healthier lifestyle for people and the planet.As to vegans being mostly progressive I suppose that’s true if you don’t count Hitler.

        1. Andrew Drinker

          Hitler wasn't vegan, he was just a bad vegetarian who sometimes ate sausages. So, in other words, not a vegetarian in any way whatsoever. He was closer to these pieces of crap walking around calling themselves "flexitarian."

  13. Lascauxcaveman

    Oh, I get it. This map is the "take each state where Mitt is less than 7 1/2 points behind and assume he'll make that up in all of them by next Tuesday" map.

    I think this scenario happens in about .0014% of the projections that our gay pretend boyfriend Nate Silver runs for 538.com.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      As far as I'm concerned, Nate's wildly inaccurate predictions for 2010 are the best evidence there is of massive election fraud in those congressional races.

  14. OneYieldRegular

    The GOP has been splitting up blood for four years now, so it's not surprising that they've gotten some on their maps.

  15. Botlrokit

    Sounds like a cynic's paradise. As a naturally-occurring one myself, I am ready for election results with a bottle of Dickel and grow-my-own.

  16. SmutBoffin

    Computers! You can't trust 'em. I once did a Google search for "hot girl action" (because I wanted to learn about the biomechanics of females at elevated temperatures) and you would not believe what the results were.

      1. OneDollarJuana

        I know, right? Just try searching for "bondage", but you won't find out about conservative investment options.

  17. Lucidamente1

    Translated into words, that map says "You may end up with a different math, but you're entitled to your math. I'm entitled to the math."

  18. Crank_Tango

    Looks right to me: the states hit by the fake storm, Chicago, Commifornia, ok, the Kenyan Islands, ok, but why Washington state? Looks like ACORN at work…

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      It's all of the horrible socialist liberals in the Seattle area, the area that, despite the fact that according to all of the Republicans east of the mountains claim it is full of lazy welfare recipients, pretty much supports the rest of the state economically. Of course we've never been trustworthy up here in the upper left hand corner of the country, Washington is the state about which James Farley said "There are forty-seven states in the Union, and the Soviet of Washington."

  19. SpiderCrab

    But you can understand why the democrats failed to protect the integrity of the electoral process. I mean, who could have foreseen republican organized election fraud?

  20. JustPixelz

    Steal the election. HA HA wonkette lady. They can't steal what they already bought.

    Computerized voting and Bender doesn't win? That does sound pretty fishy.

    Bush wanted to export democracy to the world. I didn't realize that meant we'd literally ship all our democracy to other countries. I thought we'd still be able to keep some of it.

  21. gullywompr

    Last night, Reince Preibus said that with all the Dems voting early, there will be none left to vote on election day, and Romney will sweep the map. Seems Dems are totally screwing themselves by casting all those votes.

  22. MARCdMan

    Dick Morris himself let loose a missive this morning declaring that a Romney landslide was brewing along this exact same scenario.

  23. Beowoof

    77 Miles from my front door is the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge in to Ontario. Right now if Mitt wins that looks like the best option. And they have hockey so what's not to like.

    1. An Asexual Ungulate

      I have a Christmas time trip to Korea planned. If Mittens wins I may just cash in the return ticket. Better start learning the damn language…

    2. actor212

      Oh yea! That one, the one that's always backed up with traffic! By the power plants! I think I've taken that once or twice to go shopping for Cubanos.

      1. Beowoof

        Yes, depends on when you get there, and since coming back would not be in the cards getting over is your main concern. That usually goes pretty quickly. And yes I have smuggled some brown cubans back.

        1. An_Outhouse

          I always smuggle back a big box of those chocolate covered cherries filled with rum.Then I bring them to work and we hammered on candy.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        The lone blueberry in the cherry pie.
        Well, Houston and San Antonio usually go blue too, because of black and brown.

      1. ElPinche

        Damn bro…I bet your Volkwagen van is groovy. ;)
        Actually, I love Sprouts. ..best mangos you can buy.

  24. gullywompr

    The unskewed guy has a logical explanation for why our BF Nate Silver is so wrong – he's a small-bodied effeminate sissy. QED.

        1. MosesInvests

          Oh, I knew you weren't kidding-I just think that the Jewish thing is a subtext. After all, all Real Uhmurkins know that Joos are effeminate sissies.

  25. ManchuCandidate

    Unskewed poll "numbers" work when you eliminate non-whites and women from the polls based on the US Amercia Constitution and ignore any social change within the US Amercia since the US Amercia was founded.

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Pretty much…especially if you follow Tucker the Fucker Carlson's logic and just let rich trustafarians vote. Yes, the "constitutionalist" argument…I'm surprised this jagoff hasn't gone to the theocratic third party yet.

    2. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If you think about it, it was clearly the Founders' intent that white males run the country.

      Antonin Scalia approved this message. (He's not aware that he wouldn't have qualified as "white" in 1770.)

  26. MiniMencken

    Once again, I advise US Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr. to invoke the RICO Act against the Republican Party.

  27. zumpie

    What's funny about OR is that wingnuts here really do like to pretend that they're the majority and we're a purple state. They actually claimed that we were now purple in 2010, when a Dem Gov was elected, all senior level statewide positions were Dem and all of our national representatives but one were blue (and the one congressional district is where all these wingnuts live, BTW and is always deep red).

    Why were we now purple? Because our state assembly was now evenly split Dem and Puggie. Yes, that WAS the Republican high water mark in our state—but they still think we'll eventually go red.

  28. Shypixel

    So wait… Unskewed?

    Is that like Unravel, in that Unravel and Ravel mean the same thing?

    This HAS to be the case, there is no other explanation for the mindfuck I just read…

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      It might just be one by Tuesday. Larry is visiting his very ill granny in the hospital and may not make it back in time to intimidate voters.

  29. deanbooth

    I'm a-scared! It's not that I don't understand the probabilities of Romney winning, it's that I do understand the consequences. Even a 20% chance of cancer is traumatic.

  30. freakishlywrong

    Fingers in ears.."nyahnyah, I can't hear you"! The modern GOP. They're going to start a civil war.

  31. Pres.Beeblebrox

    This reminds me of the super-secret "internal polls" that were "leaked" onto the Jim Quinn morning radio show about this time in 2008 that supposedly had McCain ahead by 10 in PA, 15 in Ohio, 8 in New Jersey etc… they were probably posted about on the Wonket but I'm too lazy to find it, but it was a total laff-fest.

    File this under either "wishful thinking" or "completely batshit insane", your choice.

  32. Botlrokit

    I wonder if the Romneys own any Christian literature companies. They, also, specialize in foretelling bullshit futures.

  33. Disassembly

    Do you think Bain Capital would lend me cash to start a Mega-Abortion Clinic Complex in Illinois? Could be a great investment.

  34. zumpie

    If Oregon's going red, why not Washington? I mean Vantucky is waaaaay more conservative than PDX and there's always Spokane….

  35. iburl

    Are these Tagggg electoral vote counts using the normal number of electoral votes per state or the new Shrimp-Job stylee state electoral vote numbers provided by Dick Morris?

    1. emmelemm

      Ding! Correct.

      On another note, let's hope that's actually true. (And there is an overwhelming tide of pro gay/stoner votes.)

  36. Generation[redacted]

    Q: What's the difference between this poll and a light bulb?
    A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

  37. FeloniousMonk

    I hope that when I color in the map next week, it looks that red, because I use crayons the way God intended. C'mon, "Better Dead than Blue" doesn't rhyme. And who looks for blues under the bed?

  38. BaldarTFlagass

    "run by actual felons, except for the ones that are owned by Tagg Romney"

    I'm sure something will come up soon, felony-wise.

  39. Generation[redacted]

    It's possible, if millions of New Yorkers start asking, "You rescued us too quickly. What about Benghazi?"

  40. Willardbot9000_V2.5

    I think that in honor of the 'unskewed' guys map I'm going to coin a new phrase: redtard. It has all the sting of the original, combines mama's lil' doorstop (who's name must never be written in Wonkette) and pretty well comes to describe this map (especially Miffed winning my state: go woodland creatures!). This guy is a complete redtard because he thinks if you just crayon enough states red it will somehow happen. Nice try wingnut, I can't wait until November 7th to be my helpful best at pushing despondent wingnuts over the edge (of a cliff)….with votes of course.

  41. Steverino247

    333 for Obama is my total. No less, but more is possible. I understand probability and statistics, so I'm pretty confident the idiot that came up with that map has no fucking clue what 2 + 2 equals.

  42. tessiee

    I hope President Obama doesn't just win, I hope he wins in a landslide; not just because I want it to be not close enough to steal, but also because I want Mitt to be humilated and have his ass handed to him.

  43. Gleem McShineys

    The only explanation for this map is that the Unskewed Polls guy shoots red colored spunk out of his jimmy.

  44. CommieDad

    If this is the map, I will personally give $1 + One Week of my Salary* to the charity of Karl Rove's choice, or I will let him fuck me in the ass (as long as I can film it and put it on youtube).

    EDIT: If this is not the map, I won't fuck Karl in the ass. Sorry.

    *$0

  45. Negropolis

    Bwhahahahahaha!!! Stealing Michigan! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!11!!1

    If by some total off chance the results show Romney to have won, here, there wil be blood…and not with votes. And, you thought we were union thugs, before.

Comments are closed.