OPEN THE POD BAY DOOR HAL  1:47 pm November 1, 2012

Looks Like Tagg Romney Has Already Leaked Next Week’s ‘Election’ ‘Results’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

seems legitIt is time, once again, to PANIC! As you can see above, Unskewed Polls has released a new chart that at first blush doesn’t seem to have any basis in reality. So why would they post such a hilarious result? Well, you have not been keeping up with Your Wonkette. Let’s rectify that now! It is so that when they steal the election, they can point to this “polling” and say the results were in line, duh. As Doktor Zoom explainered with an assist from Harper’s, the GOPpies are ready and able to steal every precinct that doesn’t count paper ballots by hand. As Your Editrix explained a week or whatever ago, one of only six voting machine vendors is owned by former Bain employees. (The others, per Dok’s Harper’s article, are pretty much all owned by the Koch Brothers and run by actual felons, except for the ones that are owned by Tagg Romney.) And as some former NSA analyst explained (but we didn’t post on it, because “depressed”), the way they steal your votes is by siphoning them from the largest precincts. Oh yes, and as The Grio explained this week also too, they are already disappearing early votes from the totals in heavily African-American and Democratic Broward County precincts. But that one, first described as a “computer glitch,” was totally just a woman who couldn’t do numbers good and stuff.

Blah blah blah tinfoil hat. Sure! Count us in! Because it is official Wonkette Editorial Policy that Bush stole Ohio, we don’t care if you kick us out of your Cool Pundit Club. And who else seems to be coming around to our way of thinking? One “Morning Joe” Scarborough, that’s who! Witness:

With President Obama maintaining his five-point lead in Ohio in today’s poll, Romney must run the table on the six remaining swing states or expand the electoral map. Considering how rough the internals look in this morning’s Ohio survey, Boston must know that winning the White House now depends on their candidate stealing Michigan, Minnesota or Pennsylvania out of the Obama column next Tuesday. Their play in those three Midwest states now appears to be more out of weakness than strength, though a new survey does put Romney within 3 points in Michigan.

Welcome to the Voting Machine Truther Brigades, Joe. You’ll like it here, except most of our refreshments are vegan bullshit.

[UnskewedPolls]

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 228 comments }

Troglodeity November 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

They're issuing this now, so that when they steal the election in Ohio and Pennsylvania a week from now it won't look quite so blatant.

commiegirl99 November 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Right, that's what I said!

SmutBoffin November 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

So we're agreed! Mitt will steal the election and Wonkette will be the first website to sell "Mittler [swatika]" bumper stickers.

SnarkOff November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Will he live in the White Hauschwitz?

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 3:07 pm

What's sauce for the goosestep is sauce for the gander.

Troglodeity November 1, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Um, yeah, bit of a fail on my part. I guess I'm just serving as the Department of Redundancy Department.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 1, 2012 at 4:15 pm

the Mitt Campaign has also been in Illinois, promising to win in Obama's home state. Just greasing the skids for that theft too.

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Illinois in a sea of red? Don't back Chicago into a corner. People will get hurt. (With knifey-votes)

JustPixelz November 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Nobody put Illinois in a corner! (dances off)

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

And angry Poles!

LibertyLover November 1, 2012 at 2:58 pm

…in a 3 day ceremony….

SnarkOff November 1, 2012 at 1:50 pm

"…the way they steal your votes is by siphoning them from the largest precincts."

So it's "I Drink Your Milkshake — with Votes!" ?

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Can't believe Alabama went red. This is bullshit!

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Mississippi too! The very idea!

GeorgiaMike November 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Myth is going to carry Oregon? And every single one of what are now called swing states. This sounds like Tagg Palin Romney's fevered fantasy that popped into his mind when Egg was giving her little man a sponge bath.

hagajim November 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Mitt will carry Oregon – yeah right…that is indeed a myth.

noodlesalad November 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

A whole bunch of stoners in Eugene just got really confused.

UW8316154 November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Oregon is a known conservative stronghold. I expect Eugene to show nearly 100% for Romney.

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 2:17 pm

From what I've seen of Oregon, apparently Eugene is where people go who think Portland is way too uptight.

tessiee November 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm

And doesn't have enough weed and patchouli stank.

fuflans November 1, 2012 at 2:22 pm

jesus christ mike!! i'm not going to easily recover from that image and mr fuflans is in nashville for the weekend.

DemmeFatale November 1, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Too much Boobwalk…uh…Boardwalk Empire.

Loch_Nessosaur November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Is that map of the Walternate universe?

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Personally, I think the guy who drew up this map should be hired by Dennis Miller, who might actually become funny again.

Loch_Nessosaur November 1, 2012 at 2:44 pm

The guy who drew up this map is that fat fuck, Nate Silver hatin', from unskewed polls.

shelwood46 November 1, 2012 at 6:07 pm

It is red…

calliecallie November 2, 2012 at 9:00 am

Walternate universe…I thought I was the only person who watches Fringe.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Red is the color of wishful thinking.

It doesn't look good on you, Tagg.

UW8316154 November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Shouldn't most of those states be green, with vote-envy?

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Tagg? There's another Palin I'm not aware of?

Lucidamente1 November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

As Kolob goes, so goes the nation.

YerMa November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Romney will take Wisconsin from my cold dead hands.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 1, 2012 at 4:16 pm

I hope you mean that literally. Right there at the barricades with you.

YerMa November 1, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I do. WI Dems have been beaten to shit for 2 years. Our spirits were crushed in 2010 when Walker came in and we lost Feingold, FEINGOLD, FFS. The good guys need a win here. We *deserve* a win here. Enough of this teabagging, selfish, "i got mine fuck you" bullshit, I say.

We suck at special and mid-terms, but GOD DAMMIT, we have got general elections. .

AlterNewt November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I think I'll go ahead and vote anyway.

Mojopo November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I'm going out to buy a bat.

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

4 teh raybeez?

BTWBFDIMHO November 1, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Move to Venezuela and play baseball so you can emigrate to Cuba?

viennawoods13 November 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm
tessiee November 1, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Baseball or vampire?

azeyote November 1, 2012 at 8:20 pm

maybe some waders would be better

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

OK, so. What are we gonna do about this?

UW8316154 November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Vote anyway?

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Save that image, since it'll disappear from UnskewedPolls the morning of November 7th.

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Point and laugh?

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Drink! Masturbate! Drink!

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Can't we do both?

Well, I can't, because I need two hands *harumph*

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Never heard of multi-tasking?

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm

No chooching, though.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Vote. Drink. Repeat.

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm

early and often, yep.

YouFail4eva November 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Vote, then riot? Then Party AND Riot?

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Freak the fuck out?
Skullf*ck somebody?
Meh, prolly just take a nap.

HistoriCat November 1, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Sneak over the Canadian border before they build the dang fence?

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Oregon goes red as hipsters in Portland confuse trendy food trucks with voting booths.

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

We don't have voting booths here—which is precisely why this is complete busllhsit—-we're 100% vote by mail, with paper ballots. Have been so entirely since 2000 and by varying degrees since 1981.

And yes, it is completely awesome.

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Paper? But…the trees and such!

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Oh, I'm sure it's 100% post consumer recycled and shit. Though "being green" doesn't stop parents from driving their kiddies 4 blocks to and from school in huge gas guzzlers, though…

Oh also, too, also on the vote by mail, it also saves the state over $3 million every year.

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Good to know. Here in Iowa it's soy paper ballots which are picked up by soy trucks. Mitt doesn't think windmills can go on cars but I'm sure I'll see one before too long.

This is why everyone here starts drinking at around noon.

Fare la Volpe November 2, 2012 at 1:40 am

In Michigan we vote on the back of an inner city child's broken dreams.

lulzmonger November 1, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Sanity? In Amerika???

One down, 49 to go.

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Only 48 to go! Our neighbor to the north (and basically the same state—even though natives of neither state like to admit it), Washington saw how well it worked and does it too.

I'll rub salt in the wound: It's easier, enjoys huge bipartisan support, if you mail in your ballot quickly you don't get campaign calls, if you can't afford a stamp (or waited) there are drop bixes all over town. Oh it's also cheaper and no voter intimidation!

CommieDad November 1, 2012 at 10:10 pm

We are NOT the same state. There are FAR MORE RIGHT WING wackos in Washington. Like all my neighbors. Also, we border Idaho. Oh wait. We border Canada and have to worry about terrorist coming to bomb the space needle.

Plus getting stoned in Portland is FAR MORE FUN than Seattle, as you have Powells.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Sudden ice storm* makes the streets too slick to ride their fixies to the polls on Tuesday.

(*they actually have these, in Portland)

SmutBoffin November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

I wish this were a joke, but there are no college students voting here and no campaign presence on any campuses.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Maybe they are voting ironically.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Ha! that would be what does it. If this isn't an example of wishful thinking I don't know WHAT is. Let's see in 2010 when teabags were hung from many capitals my state just merely made a slight 'correction' to be split-majority. Kitzhaber won as Governor over his douchecanoe opponent. The problem with this 'unskewed' redtard is that he thinks Mittens is resonating well here; he isn't. Miffed hasn't come here, Obama hasn't come here but Bill Clinton has and he sold out the house. Miffed redtard the Rbot has two chances of winning Oregon: Jack and shit and Jack just left town…

tessiee November 1, 2012 at 6:48 pm

Butbutbut…
What about that big turnout at the Mitt rally in Waterfront Park, hengh?

tessiee November 1, 2012 at 6:47 pm

The sun came out, and everybody was too glare-blinded to go anywhere.

azeyote November 1, 2012 at 8:25 pm

yea we get to smoke the gange while we vote at home – but noone gets that stoned to vote for whats his name – wait a minute what's goin on anyway and who's gonna put the tag to a romney? sounds kinky

Oblios_Cap November 1, 2012 at 1:52 pm

It's like the GOPers all skipped kindergarten. They don't share with others, they're poor losers, they cheat without remorse, etc.

I hope they get a spanking next week along with a lengthy time out.

HogeyeGrex November 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Not so much skipped as never left, I'm afraid.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Ya know, I said that very thing to my bf the other day, when we were babysitting some nephews and nieces – "If any of these guys acted like the average GOPer, they'd get a switchin'!"

Fare la Volpe November 2, 2012 at 1:44 am

my bf

Why do you say these lies just to make me jealous? Stop being so coy, darling!

(Fer serials I'm sure he's a wonderful feller who tosses a mean salad)

BadKitty904 November 2, 2012 at 7:02 am

LOL

Awww, u'll always be my bestest Wonkling beau! ;0)

Dudleydidwrong November 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Yeah, but I hope those bastards keep running with scissors 'cause when the slip and fall, it'll be all over. "Hold the pointy end toward your body, dears."

rmjagg November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

" ! hope they get a spanking next week along with a lengthy time out. " … with a guillotine , followed by eternity

Callyson November 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Aaaand it's back to panic time. Better stock up on more liquor, BBL…

fuflans November 1, 2012 at 2:25 pm

i imagine no matter what happens next tuesday, this map will go down in wonklore like karl rove's prediction in '08 and FOX's map of the middle east.

EatsBabyDingos November 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

These poll results brought to you by Harvey, the 6' tall rabbit pollster. Does not taste like chicken, but looks like one.

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

That's quite a map — to be more authentic, though, it should start with "Once upon a time…"

Callyson November 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I never thought this would happen to me, but…

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

To: IRS

Enclosed is my tax return, an accurate summary of my earnings over the past year,

From: Mitt Romney

UW8316154 November 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

…on my way to the polls next Tuesday, the craziest thing happened…

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:16 pm

One time in band camp, Karl Rove and I…

AngryBlakGuy November 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

…once upon a time in the mythical world of Narnia

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 5:15 pm

… in a galaxy far, far away …

tessiee November 1, 2012 at 6:52 pm

"Arrowroot cleared his throat. "Once upon a time," he began.

"Call me Ishmael," said Gimlet.

"Whanne in Aprille," started Legolam.

"Hear me, oh Muse," commenced Bromosel."

Bored of the Rings

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 10:55 pm

"It was a dark and stormy night."

JustPixelz November 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

All that technology and Mitt still can't win California.

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Damn. Obama was winning until Hurricane Head Up My Ass hit.

YouFail4eva November 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

So, when do we get our tinfoil hats? And Where do I go to get my rabies injection so I can start frothing from the mouth?

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

..after which you should go vote. I don't think anyone would give you shit about your ID.

danielwalldammit November 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Guess this is a more economical approach than the haphazard techniques the GOP has used so far. This is way better than suppressing all the minority names, and Glenn beck doesn't even have to blab about any non-profits for months. Yay for efficiency!

HogeyeGrex November 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

What the fuck is it going to take for someone to go to jail for election fraud?

Okay, okay. Besides finding some Democrat doing it.

Dudleydidwrong November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Balls. Big Balls. Bigger-than-trucknutz balls. Seen any around lately?

tessiee November 1, 2012 at 6:53 pm

Both the President and Gov. Christie have demonstrated them in the past few days. Maybe Obama doesn't intend to take this lying down.

Estproph November 1, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Actually, people did go to jail in Ohio in 2004 for election fraud favoring Bush. Bet you didn't hear about it, huh? Surprise, surprise – very few people did. Nevertheless:
http://crooksandliars.com/karoli/new-evidence-vot
http://www.freepress.org/departments/display/19/2

It's already been done, and proven to be done, and the public doesn't care. Why would they care now?

UnholyMoses November 1, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Don't forget New Hampshire phone jamming in 2004 — several folks went to jail for that one: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/phonejamming.php

lulzmonger November 1, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Jacqueline Maiden, the county election board's third-ranking employee, and Kathleen Dreamer, an assistant manager, have each been convicted of a felony count of negligent misconduct and a misdemeanor count of failing to perform their duties

♬ You may say she's a Dreamer, but she's not the only one (convicted of a felony) … ♪

HogeyeGrex November 1, 2012 at 10:56 pm

Hmm. Maybe. It looks like a "couple of bad apples" went up for "not doing their jobs right", but nobody has really been held to account for actively suborning the process. Nobody calling the shots is in the stripey-hole, and they damned well should be. Until they are, we can expect more of the same.

Estproph November 2, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Yep. Ohio went to Bush on the strength of CLEVELAND, which the night before had about 200,000 people turn out to see Kerry. I was there. There is no way in hell that I will ever believe that Bush won Ohio, but they gave it to him, a couple minions got a slap on the wrist, and Justice Was Restored.

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Why isn't it all red? If you're going that far, why not take it a step further?

Oblios_Cap November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

it worked for the USSR. Don't we deserve at least the same respect?

imissopus November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Because THAT would be unrealistic.

Gleem McShineys November 1, 2012 at 6:53 pm

If there were no Librals out there on the coasts to focus their hatred upon, the wingnuts might start getting upset about real issues, like "WHATCHOO MEAN YOU AINTA PAID NO TAXEZ ON YOR MILLIONS?!"

Yeah, probably not. Guess this map made me think about unrealistic fantasy worlds.

YerMa November 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

because FUCK those liberal commie union thug states like CA, NY, VT and Chicago.

Wadisay November 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Shit, now I have to sacrifice another goat in front of the image of Nate Silver in my basement.

HogeyeGrex November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Mickey? Mickey Kaus?

Oh. You said "sacrifice."

Pat_Pending November 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Vote overwhelmingly, and often.

Callyson November 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

one of only six voting machine vendors is owned by former Bain employees. (The others, per Dok’s Harper’s article, are pretty much all owned by the Koch Brothers and run by actual felons, except for the ones that owned by Tagg Romney.)

FFS, who thought private ownership of voting machines was a good idea in the first place?

I know, I know, "And if you can go even further, and send it back to the private sector, that's even better." JFC…

Native_of_SL_UT November 1, 2012 at 2:29 pm

I did this really geeky thing after the 2000 election with Florida results. I had been hearing about Black Boxes and stolen votes through the electronic voting machines. From each precinct, I took the election results, the registered voters by affiliation and what type of voting apparatus they used. I found that the percentage by political affiliation were right in line with the voting result percentages where the electronic voting machines were used. However, nearly every precinct that used a certain type of machine to count hand ballots had a higher percentage of GOP results compared to registered affiliation. I came to the conclusion that I would never do this again.

Goonemeritus November 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

I don’t want B-12 deficient vegans guarding us against election rigging, I want big mean carnivores chained to cinder-blocks awaiting release at the first hint of impropriety.

zhenjiu November 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

What is all this vitriol against vegans? We are not B-12 deficient, we are not weak, and we are mostly progressive. Pick on some other 'fringe' group, meat man!

Goonemeritus November 1, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I am married to a vegan and as such I end up eating like her most of the time. I disagree about the B-12 thing were it not for regular shots she would just plain tip over. My sample size may be small but there does seem to be a correlation there. On the whole I believe it is a healthier lifestyle for people and the planet.As to vegans being mostly progressive I suppose that’s true if you don’t count Hitler.

Wile E. Quixote November 1, 2012 at 6:49 pm

Hey, do you know who else was a vegan? Oh wait, never mind, you got there already.

Andrew Drinker November 2, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Hitler wasn't vegan, he was just a bad vegetarian who sometimes ate sausages. So, in other words, not a vegetarian in any way whatsoever. He was closer to these pieces of crap walking around calling themselves "flexitarian."

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Oh, I get it. This map is the "take each state where Mitt is less than 7 1/2 points behind and assume he'll make that up in all of them by next Tuesday" map.

I think this scenario happens in about .0014% of the projections that our gay pretend boyfriend Nate Silver runs for 538.com.

emmelemm November 1, 2012 at 2:46 pm

He's not gay, he's just slim and effeminate.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 1, 2012 at 4:18 pm

As far as I'm concerned, Nate's wildly inaccurate predictions for 2010 are the best evidence there is of massive election fraud in those congressional races.

OneYieldRegular November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

The GOP has been splitting up blood for four years now, so it's not surprising that they've gotten some on their maps.

Botlrokit November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Sounds like a cynic's paradise. As a naturally-occurring one myself, I am ready for election results with a bottle of Dickel and grow-my-own.

mayor_quimby November 1, 2012 at 7:30 pm

Dickel? Must google now….

UW8316154 November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

At least we finally know who won the election next week.

SmutBoffin November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Computers! You can't trust 'em. I once did a Google search for "hot girl action" (because I wanted to learn about the biomechanics of females at elevated temperatures) and you would not believe what the results were.

rmjagg November 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm

very scientific and proper , and pure of motive

OneDollarJuana November 1, 2012 at 2:25 pm

I know, right? Just try searching for "bondage", but you won't find out about conservative investment options.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm

brb.

GregComlish November 1, 2012 at 2:34 pm

what more about female biomechanics did you need to know?

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 10:58 pm

That was my first question. Once they're warmed up, it's all pretty much intuitive.

Lucidamente1 November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Translated into words, that map says "You may end up with a different math, but you're entitled to your math. I'm entitled to the math."

Mumbletypeg November 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

"Tiny red states for some; abortions of justice for others!"

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Abortions for some, tiny American flags for all! Vote Kang!

noodlesalad November 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Is this the "we managed to disenfranchise most of the brown, black, and unionist voters" map?

Crank_Tango November 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Looks right to me: the states hit by the fake storm, Chicago, Commifornia, ok, the Kenyan Islands, ok, but why Washington state? Looks like ACORN at work…

Wile E. Quixote November 1, 2012 at 6:54 pm

It's all of the horrible socialist liberals in the Seattle area, the area that, despite the fact that according to all of the Republicans east of the mountains claim it is full of lazy welfare recipients, pretty much supports the rest of the state economically. Of course we've never been trustworthy up here in the upper left hand corner of the country, Washington is the state about which James Farley said "There are forty-seven states in the Union, and the Soviet of Washington."

SpiderCrab November 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm

But you can understand why the democrats failed to protect the integrity of the electoral process. I mean, who could have foreseen republican organized election fraud?

rmjagg November 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

again

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Yawn. Take another swing, Tagg.

JustPixelz November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Steal the election. HA HA wonkette lady. They can't steal what they already bought.

Computerized voting and Bender doesn't win? That does sound pretty fishy.

Bush wanted to export democracy to the world. I didn't realize that meant we'd literally ship all our democracy to other countries. I thought we'd still be able to keep some of it.

Terry November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The people behind Unskewed Polls are smoking some serious dope.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Last night, Reince Preibus said that with all the Dems voting early, there will be none left to vote on election day, and Romney will sweep the map. Seems Dems are totally screwing themselves by casting all those votes.

HouseOfTheBlueLights November 1, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Translation: we (repubs) have an extra 30 days to "lose" all those early ballots.

Oblios_Cap November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Is Tagg the Rmoney boy that looks like Damien from "The Omen"?

rmjagg November 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

no , he really is Damien from " The Omen " ….

MARCdMan November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Dick Morris himself let loose a missive this morning declaring that a Romney landslide was brewing along this exact same scenario.

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

77 Miles from my front door is the Lewiston-Queenston Bridge in to Ontario. Right now if Mitt wins that looks like the best option. And they have hockey so what's not to like.

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Is that the sekrit locals bridge over the Gorge?

Cuz I have my GOES and I'm not afraid to use it.

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 2:12 pm

No this is the one right at the top of the Niagara Escarpment. This may help you find it. https://plus.google.com/106542619413761018253/abo

An Asexual Ungulate November 1, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I have a Christmas time trip to Korea planned. If Mittens wins I may just cash in the return ticket. Better start learning the damn language…

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Is that the Best Korea or the one in the south?

Not_Mother November 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

There's more than one?

OneDollarJuana November 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm

"And they have hockey so what's not to like."

Hockey.

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Oh yea! That one, the one that's always backed up with traffic! By the power plants! I think I've taken that once or twice to go shopping for Cubanos.

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 3:31 pm

Yes, depends on when you get there, and since coming back would not be in the cards getting over is your main concern. That usually goes pretty quickly. And yes I have smuggled some brown cubans back.

An_Outhouse November 1, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I always smuggle back a big box of those chocolate covered cherries filled with rum.Then I bring them to work and we hammered on candy.

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:39 pm

No right turns on red?

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm

Did they change that? Ontario did that years before the US allowed it.

viennawoods13 November 1, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Oh hell. That's perfectly legal in Ontario. It's Quebec where they won't listen to reason.

viennawoods13 November 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

What's not to like? This douche. Our fearless leader.

Jerri November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Not enough Pepto-Bismol in the world to get me through the next 5 days. Where's my puke bucket?

Indiepalin November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Mitt's plan to win NM involves heavy compaigning in the Breaking Bad district of Albuquerque

deanbooth November 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

They plan to eliminate Obama, WITH VOTES!

ElPinche November 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

TEXAS IS RED?!!?! BULLSHIT!!! We have like 8 Whole Foods in Austin!!1!

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

An oasis of blue in a sea of stupid.

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2012 at 3:11 pm

The lone blueberry in the cherry pie.
Well, Houston and San Antonio usually go blue too, because of black and brown.

ElPinche November 1, 2012 at 4:08 pm

The Brown towns…..they have better radio stations too.

MosesInvests November 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I prefer Wheatsville Co-op, myself. And farmers' markets.

ElPinche November 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Damn bro…I bet your Volkwagen van is groovy. ;)
Actually, I love Sprouts. ..best mangos you can buy.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

The unskewed guy has a logical explanation for why our BF Nate Silver is so wrong – he's a small-bodied effeminate sissy. QED.

MosesInvests November 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

And a kike, also, too.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 2:30 pm
MosesInvests November 1, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Oh, I knew you weren't kidding-I just think that the Jewish thing is a subtext. After all, all Real Uhmurkins know that Joos are effeminate sissies.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 2:29 pm

Numbers are notoriously bigoted. Like facts, also, too.

ManchuCandidate November 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Unskewed poll "numbers" work when you eliminate non-whites and women from the polls based on the US Amercia Constitution and ignore any social change within the US Amercia since the US Amercia was founded.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 1, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Pretty much…especially if you follow Tucker the Fucker Carlson's logic and just let rich trustafarians vote. Yes, the "constitutionalist" argument…I'm surprised this jagoff hasn't gone to the theocratic third party yet.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 11:04 pm

If you think about it, it was clearly the Founders' intent that white males run the country.

Antonin Scalia approved this message. (He's not aware that he wouldn't have qualified as "white" in 1770.)

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Romney's campaign went out and bought most of those states at Walmart.

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Damn. Red is so not my color.

MiniMencken November 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Once again, I advise US Attorney General Eric H. Holder, Jr. to invoke the RICO Act against the Republican Party.

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

What's funny about OR is that wingnuts here really do like to pretend that they're the majority and we're a purple state. They actually claimed that we were now purple in 2010, when a Dem Gov was elected, all senior level statewide positions were Dem and all of our national representatives but one were blue (and the one congressional district is where all these wingnuts live, BTW and is always deep red).

Why were we now purple? Because our state assembly was now evenly split Dem and Puggie. Yes, that WAS the Republican high water mark in our state—but they still think we'll eventually go red.

scorpy1 November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Unskewed, my arse. Shouldn't the Romney count be closer to 5891893200133.2?

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

At least they let Bamz keep Maine. He should be happy with that.

Shypixel November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

So wait… Unskewed?

Is that like Unravel, in that Unravel and Ravel mean the same thing?

This HAS to be the case, there is no other explanation for the mindfuck I just read…

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

So if Mitt doesn't win this on Tuesday, we know it's the fault of those two New Black Panther dudes.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm

It might just be one by Tuesday. Larry is visiting his very ill granny in the hospital and may not make it back in time to intimidate voters.

deanbooth November 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I'm a-scared! It's not that I don't understand the probabilities of Romney winning, it's that I do understand the consequences. Even a 20% chance of cancer is traumatic.

freakishlywrong November 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Fingers in ears.."nyahnyah, I can't hear you"! The modern GOP. They're going to start a civil war.

Pres.Beeblebrox November 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

This reminds me of the super-secret "internal polls" that were "leaked" onto the Jim Quinn morning radio show about this time in 2008 that supposedly had McCain ahead by 10 in PA, 15 in Ohio, 8 in New Jersey etc… they were probably posted about on the Wonket but I'm too lazy to find it, but it was a total laff-fest.

File this under either "wishful thinking" or "completely batshit insane", your choice.

Bezoar November 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I keep telling everybody, it only matters who counts the votes.

Southern_Beale November 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Wow they’re even giving Oregon to Romney? That’s pretty crazy.

Botlrokit November 1, 2012 at 2:15 pm

I wonder if the Romneys own any Christian literature companies. They, also, specialize in foretelling bullshit futures.

Disassembly November 1, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Do you think Bain Capital would lend me cash to start a Mega-Abortion Clinic Complex in Illinois? Could be a great investment.

proudgrampa November 1, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I think it's time to call the Carter Center and request an Election Monitoring Team for next Tuesday:
http://www.cartercenter.org/peace/democracy/obser

sati_demise November 1, 2012 at 2:24 pm

make mine that vegan shit without the bull.

just tastes better

kyeshinka November 1, 2012 at 2:25 pm

The Natty Light States of America.

DrunkIrishman November 1, 2012 at 2:26 pm

THIS WOULD BE THE MAP IF EVERYONE IN THE U.S. WAS A MORMON!

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Everyone is a mor– oh, you said Mormon.

GregComlish November 1, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Heh. Mormons in DC still think Romney is a Dbag

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 2:27 pm

If Oregon's going red, why not Washington? I mean Vantucky is waaaaay more conservative than PDX and there's always Spokane….

iburl November 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Are these Tagggg electoral vote counts using the normal number of electoral votes per state or the new Shrimp-Job stylee state electoral vote numbers provided by Dick Morris?

BigSkullF*ckingDog November 1, 2012 at 2:43 pm

WA is only blue because the gay/stoner vote has been mobilized.

emmelemm November 1, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Ding! Correct.

On another note, let's hope that's actually true. (And there is an overwhelming tide of pro gay/stoner votes.)

Generation[redacted] November 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Q: What's the difference between this poll and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

FeloniousMonk November 1, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I hope that when I color in the map next week, it looks that red, because I use crayons the way God intended. C'mon, "Better Dead than Blue" doesn't rhyme. And who looks for blues under the bed?

BaldarTFlagass November 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

"run by actual felons, except for the ones that are owned by Tagg Romney"

I'm sure something will come up soon, felony-wise.

Nostrildamus November 1, 2012 at 3:24 pm

That time of the month, Tagg?

An_Outhouse November 1, 2012 at 4:06 pm

I don't believe it. If Oregon goes red, NY would be red too.

Generation[redacted] November 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

It's possible, if millions of New Yorkers start asking, "You rescued us too quickly. What about Benghazi?"

Generation[redacted] November 1, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Tagg really wants to take a swing at those states.

Willardbot9000_V2.5 November 1, 2012 at 4:30 pm

I think that in honor of the 'unskewed' guys map I'm going to coin a new phrase: redtard. It has all the sting of the original, combines mama's lil' doorstop (who's name must never be written in Wonkette) and pretty well comes to describe this map (especially Miffed winning my state: go woodland creatures!). This guy is a complete redtard because he thinks if you just crayon enough states red it will somehow happen. Nice try wingnut, I can't wait until November 7th to be my helpful best at pushing despondent wingnuts over the edge (of a cliff)….with votes of course.

Steverino247 November 1, 2012 at 4:47 pm

333 for Obama is my total. No less, but more is possible. I understand probability and statistics, so I'm pretty confident the idiot that came up with that map has no fucking clue what 2 + 2 equals.

tessiee November 1, 2012 at 7:07 pm

I hope President Obama doesn't just win, I hope he wins in a landslide; not just because I want it to be not close enough to steal, but also because I want Mitt to be humilated and have his ass handed to him.

Gleem McShineys November 1, 2012 at 7:14 pm

The only explanation for this map is that the Unskewed Polls guy shoots red colored spunk out of his jimmy.

emmelemm November 1, 2012 at 7:52 pm

He might want to see a doctor about that.

ttommyunger November 1, 2012 at 7:20 pm

is this Tadd's brain-droppings, or did Twat, Twig, Turd and Twerp help him with it?

Laurie Mann November 1, 2012 at 8:06 pm

And Pennsylvania Governor Tom Corbett is SUPPORTING voter suppression openly in Pennsylvania. Great to have the governor supporting illegal activity. Hope the idiot goes to jail. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwpXTg6Ryjw&fe

CommieDad November 1, 2012 at 10:16 pm

If this is the map, I will personally give $1 + One Week of my Salary* to the charity of Karl Rove's choice, or I will let him fuck me in the ass (as long as I can film it and put it on youtube).

EDIT: If this is not the map, I won't fuck Karl in the ass. Sorry.

*$0

snowpointsecret November 1, 2012 at 11:53 pm

Well, to be fair, this is a map of Amercia, not America.

abelilnkinverb November 2, 2012 at 12:55 am

Damn you Wonkette. I need to go huff some chloroform and visit 538 now…

Negropolis November 2, 2012 at 1:44 am

Bwhahahahahaha!!! Stealing Michigan! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!!11!!1

If by some total off chance the results show Romney to have won, here, there wil be blood…and not with votes. And, you thought we were union thugs, before.

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm

What's this commie pinko soy shit you speak of??? I thought all you guys ever thought about was teh corn!

Chichikovovich November 1, 2012 at 3:45 pm

For the Michigander.

zumpie November 1, 2012 at 10:25 pm

But you have Wild Waves, the only thing resembling a theme park in the PNW!!! Not to mention football and baseball teams–and you're more like a real city.Oh and Leavenwoth for Octoberfest and Xmas fesitivities.

As for Idaho and wingnuts: A) we border Idaho, too—at least you border the panhandle, which is the supposedly liberal part (with the pretty lakes and stuff), b) you actually ARE the more progessive state—Cook PVI puts us at D+4 and you at D+5. Seattle has the bluest district in the PNW.

But I'll be the first to bag on Vantucky if you like!

emmelemm November 1, 2012 at 10:33 pm

We have Jim McDermott (that bluest district). He crazy blue.

CommieDad November 2, 2012 at 12:18 am

We can both agree that we are better than California.

zumpie November 2, 2012 at 12:22 am

Well, duh!!! Though Northern California wishes it were us!

zumpie November 2, 2012 at 9:39 am

It's so cold in the D

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: