Undaunted Courage

In Gutsy Rebuke of ‘Politics As Usual,’ Wonkette’s Pet College Newspaper Boldly Endorses Nobody For President

Chip Martin, College Reporter!Big News, Wonkers! The editorial board of the Iowa State Daily, Wonkette’s Pet College Newspaper, has made an innovative, nay, a MOMENTOUS editorial decision! In the midst of this contentious political season (not to mention the feathery distractions of swanning time), these intellectual heirs of the great Paul Harvey have bravely decided to “buck the trend” and to not endorse a candidate for President in the 2012 presidential election of America. While this editorial non-endorsement lacks the fiery conviction of the paper’s recent jeremiads against political messages written with chalk upon the public side-walks and its timely reminder that Bruce Springsteen is not a serious political expert, it does have its charms.

To begin with, it prefaces its case for bravely saying nothing by presenting a longish history of the very notion of “journalistic objectivity,” noting, quite accurately, that “Despite popular belief, newspapers are under no obligation to present political matters fairly” and suggesting what seems to us a novel view of where that assumption came from:

With the invention of radio and the advent of broadcast media (which would eventually include television), the question became whether or not radio stations could broadcast anything they wanted to, politically speaking, just as newspapers could print anything they pleased. It was eventually decided the airwaves were public property, not private property as a newspaper, and therefore stations had to give airtime to various political positions and persons.

Over time, the broadcast journalism ethic of “fair and balanced” reporting spread to newspapers, where today we find Americans constantly griping about how liberal or conservative this or that paper is.

See, as we remember’d it, the laudable-but-ultimately-unreachable goal of “journalistic objectivity” has a much longer history, dating back at least as far as the 19th century and reactions to the “yellow journalism” of the Hearst papers; we have a feeling that suggesting it was all just spillover from the FCC’s “Fairness Doctrine” says more about the editorialist’s note-taking in “Intro To Journalism” than it does about actual history. In any case, we simply want to give a hearty “Bravo!” to the editors’ defense of their Constitutional right to take sides.

Which they immediately follow with this statement:

So once again the Daily is faced with endorsing a presidential candidate: This year, we endorse no one.

Way to make the tough choice, there!

OK, we get it: it’s not a refusal to choose, it’s a principled abstention, a statement of institutional conscientious objection:

Our parties are becoming more partisan, our media fails to report facts and instead chooses to entertain, and Americans are increasingly clueless about political issues, themselves choosing to follow propaganda despite knowing how rotten the system is becoming. Until this changes, the Daily refuses to choose an evil.

That oughta learn ’em, all right. We can only imagine that both campaigns, and the American public, are at this very moment wondering what they can do to win back the trust of the Iowa State Daily.

Following this shattering rebuke of the shallowness and nastiness of American politics on Monday of last week, the Iowa State Daily went on to take firm stances supporting sidewalk reform on campus (“People finding a better or faster way to do something has brought humans out of the caves”) and calling for civility on campus buses (“Rule one: When the bus driver says move back, pick up your feet and move back!”).

We can only conclude that the future of journalism rests in fearless hands.

[Iowa State Daily]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

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  • nounverb911

    I'm sure the Clemson Tiger has endorsed Nikki Haley for President.

    • OzoneTom

      If she makes it chase her around a tree will it turn into butter?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      And I guess the LSU Tiger has endorsed Bobby Jindal? What is with these tigers and East Asians?

      • mille derps

        And how long until an East Indian Auburn grad becomes governor of Alabama?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Well, no. But the Reveille (LSU's paper) did drop a fucking HILARIOUS football comparison to predict the presidential outcome.

        • Callyson

          Roll Tide!

    • BumbleKid

      Hey man, lay off the Tiger. The political journalism may not be that great, but they give out Hardee's coupons in every issue.

      And it's magical.

  • Come here a minute

    I hope they have the guts to take a stand on ethanol subsidies (which are probably keeping them in newsprint).

  • snowpointsecret

    It's official: Wonkette's pet newspaper is really the Dayton Daily News in disguise.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Seems like a missed opportunity to allow Jill Stein to "ruin" the election.

    • mille derps

      Gary Johnson or GTFO!

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Ugh. Some dipshit is writing "Live Free Gary Johnson 2012" on the sidewalks (in chalk!) around the square in Madison. Where's the Iowa State Daily's editorial on that?

    • PubOption

      It's not easy supporting the greens.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Over time, the broadcast journalism ethic of “fair and balanced” reporting spread to newspapers, where today we find Americans constantly griping about how liberal or conservative this or that paper is.

    For journalism students, they have a shitty knowledge of the history of the fucking industry they purport to represent.

    The American newspaper business was heavily influenced by the British press, which has papers of every conceivably political bent. The idea was that while *hard* news would be reported factually, analysis and political content would be clearly marked as an editorial.

    It's this last that people are complaining about now, but here's the thing: we decided that informing the public was a for-profit venture and not "in the public interest."

    I F Stone is spinning in his grave over these asshats.

    • Disassembly

      It reminds me of the complaint that politics used to be more civil. Like when a sitting VP killed someone in a duel.

      • prommie

        Hey, fucking Alexander Hamilton needed killing! Those Federalist Papers and the worshippers thereof, fuck him.

        • Disassembly

          How dare you impugn the goood Nevisian name of the first Treasury Secretary! Pistols at dawn?

          • Toomush_Infer

            I presume you mean voting pistols?….

          • Disassembly

            Perhaps swords of suffrage would be more appropriate.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Electoral rubber bands.

      • Negropolis

        Yeah, but they totally called each other "sir" and "gentlemen" so it's different. lol

    • HempDogbane

      "I regret that I have but one evil to choose…"

      "Don't fire until you see them take both sides."

      "We must all hang together, or we will all hang around taking sides separately."

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    our media fails to report facts and instead chooses to entertain

    You mean like, say, whining about chalk on the sidewalk?

    • Gleem McShineys

      That wasn't all that entertaining, except to us Godless Snarxists.

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    Wait, they could have NOT written the paper and done exactly the same thing?

    College should be teaching kids to work smarter, not harder. Oh fuck you Obama for ruining edumacahatsion

    • Fairtackle

      My guess is that after graduation, the Daily's editors will will chose not to sully themselves with the chaos and corruption of the "real world" by "getting a job" and will continue to write missives from the ideologically pure environment of their parents' basements.

    • Naked_Bunny

      I'm guessing these are the same people who go to blogs and post comments about how uninterested they are in the topic of the current article, instead of just skipping it.

      • Doktor Zoom

        Your comment really bores me, and I wish you'd write about something I'm interested in, like maybe Star Trek.

        • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

          OK, let's see who was the bestest everest starship captain. Kirk? Picard? Vijay Amritraj? Spock?

          I endorse none of them at this time.

          • SorosBot

            Come, it's Sisqo, no contest.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Sisko, for sure.

            (But now I'm not sure how to spell it.)

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Hey, Dok?

    I call bullshit, you made this article up.

    There's not one single word here that little Johnny Reportage looked up in his thesaurus.

    • mille derps

      WHO KILLED JR?

  • Trannysurprise

    Who are the candidates? What are the issues? AND BE SPECIFIC.

  • cousinitt

    Brave Sir Robin ran away.
    ("No!")
    Bravely ran away away.
    ("I didn't!")
    When danger reared it's ugly head,
    He bravely turned his tail and fled.
    ("no!")
    Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
    ("I didn't!")
    And gallantly he chickened out.

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      doesn't he sing "he buggered off and he chickened out"? I love that song…used to sing it to rip on a friend of mine who liked to act all brave and hardass..

  • snowpointsecret

    Over time, the broadcast journalism ethic of “fair and balanced” reporting spread to newspapers

    You mean the Wall Street Journal, right?

  • FNMA

    And that little boy…nobody liked…grew up to be…Roy Cohn.

    • kyeshinka

      So what was the rest of the story?

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        There were many closets and backrooms involved.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ slowhansolo

      "Wow!"

    • Tio_Doidinho

      And I hope everybody knows how that story ended.

  • SnarkOff

    Whatever, guys. Where's tonight's kegger?

    • Barbara_

      My house.

      • SorosBot

        I'll being the raw fetus to barbecue!

    • MissTaken

      Just make sure you don't talk about it tomorrow on the bus

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Good grief. This editorial board needs to get drunk and/or laid.

  • MissTaken

    Will the Wonkette Bazaar be selling "The Princess – A New Little Phone That Lights Up"? Cause I can't make any decisions about who to endorse without that.

    • SorosBot

      I know you want one.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      I have a sock I call 'Princess'.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      My Little Phoney?

  • SorosBot

    Yes, our parties are too partisan! It looks like someone is already an expert Broderite and gunning for a spot on the Washington Post Op-Ed page.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i have an image of you and misstaken sitting next to each other dueling with wonkette comments.

      but then, i'm a romantic.

      • SorosBot

        We have done so in the past, but she is at work right now.

        • MissTaken

          The vacuuming and dinner better be done by the time I get home!

          • SorosBot

            The vacuuming is all done, don't worry! I'll be good, Mistress.

          • finallyhappy

            Get a room!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Get a Roomba!

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Shit yeah, there's quite a pile of money to be made making bland, banal observations about the current state of politics. Broder, the 'stache of Concern…those guys have huge homes from essentially telling us our parties are mean poopy-pants who can't get along like Raygun and Tip O'Neil (a comparison I'm really getting tired of hearing about, mind you). These same people invariably argue that bipartisanship looks a lot like Dems giving in to everything Republifucks want to do. This kid is jockeying for a bright career contributing nothing to the discourse while making a lot of money…

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Do they put an aspirin between their knees when they are politically abstaining?

  • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

    Noone is a known Communist. Everybody fucking knows that.

  • SmutBoffin

    Responded the student body of ISU:

    "There's an election coming up?"

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      shit it's ISU…they probably vote via cow-tipping or cornholing…why doesn't their paper bitch about the lousy fucking football team they field every year? It's not because they're in Iowa, either…the U of I usually has a quite respectable to strong team. Certainly that would be more enlightening than sidewalk chalk…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Maybe this paper should ask the school paper at Oklahoma who to endorse. The Cyclones sure were the Sooners' bitch on Saturday, why not take it to its natural conclusion?

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      Now, now…Oklahoma got owned by Notre Dame so really they both should take cues from the Irish. Shit…works for most drunks anyway…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    As a screechy Canadian man once sang:
    "If you choose not to decide
    You still have made a choice!"

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      I must choose a path that's clear. I MUST CHOOSE FREE PILLS.

      • Generation[redacted]

        That would explain the ready guide in some celestial voice, wouldn't it?

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I knew y'all wouldn't let me down.

    • mrpuma2u

      2112 libelz, eh?!?!!

    • HarryButtle

      You can choose from partisans, I'm smarter than you all.
      I will choose a path that's clear, I will choose Ron Paul.

      Friend of mine once characterized Rush perfectly using their own lyrics:
      "An ounce of perception, a pound of obscure."

    • Oblios_Cap

      It's like the old adage that "a point in every direction is no point at all."

  • MissTaken

    Our parties are becoming more partisan, our media fails to report facts and instead chooses to entertain,

    If only there was something like, I don't know, maybe a college newspaper that was available to inform their readers about facts and politics. If only.

    • SorosBot

      Now every time a media figure engages in the time-honored whining about how the media sucks, they obviously are special snowflakes who the problems do not apply to because they're just so special and awesome.

      • MissTaken

        My mommy said I'm special. Now where's my award?

        • SorosBot

          You are special! As for your award, well let's not discuss that in public.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Oh, is that what Clapton meant when he sang about "I'll give you my dull surprise"?

          • SorosBot

            Here I thought he was talking about the Kathy Ireland range of emotions guessing game.

          • Botlrokit

            I came out of my seat in joy, watching Crow's eyes fly out of his head. Thank you for that delightful romp back in time.

  • snowpointsecret

    Bruce Springsteen should take tips from political expert Clint Eastwood, by the way.

  • Woodshedding

    This "Vote for Nobody" trend is SO EFFING OBVIOUSLY yet another karl rove type tactic to steal yet more votes. Youtube has at least 10 vote for nobody videos. The ones I saw are not only WAY too slick to be homemade; they "nobodies" they represent (headless figures) have Obama-like bodies and play basketball. Targeted in the video are youths, radicals, and minorities. Really pisses me off when idiots adopt the smug attitude, declare they're just gonna show 'em by NOT VOTING, and essentially then, cast a vote for Romney. Idiots. i'd say they deserve what they're going to get, except it's the REST of us who are going to get it too. Arrgh.

    • SorosBot

      About the only worse thing you can do is vote for the Greens, Libertarians or Roseanne Barr.

      • calliecallie

        I saw an editorial today from a mid-size town nearby endorsing the Libertarian candidate for president. My immediate thought was "What is fucking wrong with these people?" Now I see it's part of a Rovian conspiracy.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Roseanne Barr Syndrome, isn't that some horrible, debilitating disease?!

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Or, if you're in Virginia, Virgil Goode who's running on the "Constitution Party" ticket. Goode is really nothing but a extreme right-wing Republican, really, so has his own special brand of crazy.

  • mavenmaven

    "none of the candidates are cool, all grown ups are mean to us, politics is so immature, we are going to hold our breath and turn blue until the election is over"

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Plus they're all phoneys!

    • Generation[redacted]

      "If I were registered to vote, I'd send those fat cats a message by staying home on election day!"

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Barack Obama’s inexperience and naivete has led to an ineffective presidency, and the Republican Party has failed to produce a qualified and competent alternative, choosing instead to select a nonpolitical, flip-flopping, quasi-liberal corporatist as their candidate.

    An ineffective presidency? SCHIP, the ARRA, Healthcare reform, the GM and Chrysler bailout, an explosion of clean energy production, the Lily Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, getting out of Iraq, killing Osama bin Laden, three free trade agreements, overthrowing Qaddafi and not treating every other country like a potential imperialist snack — if any president had accomplished that in eight years he'd have parks named after him in every state. Obama managed to do that in four, with the most filibustering Senate in American history fighting him every inch of the way, which makes him the fuckin' John Riggins of chief executives.

    But just because it's not raining violet petals, I guess things didn't work out. Oh well.

    • snowpointsecret

      Quasi-liberal lol

      "Rick Santorum or bust" must be this newspaper's motto.

      • SorosBot

        "quasi-liberal corporatist". Yeah. What's next, a "quasi-conservative communist"?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      An ineffective presidency?

      But he didn't bomb the ever-loving shit out of a nation that had nothing to do with us!

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      it's not raining violet petals because the president is a near.

      (great list btw).

      • Redgyal

        Because as we all know African Irises are always white, blue or pink.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Purple Rain Libel!!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Or even daisy cutters.

    • Fairtackle

      Looks like somebody found an opportunity to use "quasi-liberal corporatist" in a sentence.

      Whatever it means…

  • Dumbedup

    What sad little cowed young people we are raising these days. You really can't identify any grounds to objectively say one of these candidates is better than the other? Focused on not upsetting anyone, this undoubtedly virgin boys club will just sit it out, and hope they get Koch jobs.

  • SmutBoffin

    "In summary, the nation faces a great many contentious issues, any one of which might determine the future of not only us but our children and children's children. We owe it to the future to make these decisions definitively and circumspectly.

    Or, ya know, not."

  • kingcocrazy

    When I was a college journalist many, many years ago, there would have no one on the staff sober enough to craft an endorsement editorial. Now, since I'm old, who gives a damn what those dope smoking, date raping little greaseballs think anyway. And get off my lawn or I'm gonna hit you in the head with an empty Scotch bottle.

    • finallyhappy

      Many, many years ago, I briefly joined the college newspaper because during our freshman tour, we met the editor who was a very attractive senior guy(or so I thought after 4 years in a girls school). Turns out he had a girlfriend on the staff and they assigned me to ad getting- I quit after the first week,

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      "And get off my lawn or I'm gonna hit you in the head with an empty Scotch bottle."–Me, in twenty years during the Tagg Romney Presidency.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    God damn it. I finally relent and get super stoned and then eat most of a pizza from Little Ceasar's and watch an episode of that accursed cartoon, and then suddenly Dok decides to stop using them for his posts after all.

    WTF.

    • MissTaken

      I like Pinkie Pie.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I like pie, too.

        But what's a Pinkie? Is that a thing now?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Overshare!!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        Pinkie Pie reminds me of several of my friends, who are bipolar. Incidentally, so does Fluttershy. The exact same friends, I mean.

        And one of them lived in a place that as jammed full of books as Twilight Sparkle's home, only it was actually a dorm room that that we (ostensibly) shared.

        See? This show speaks to me, because my friends are literally mentally ill.

    • Botlrokit

      I started weeping after your "get super stoned" part. Fucking randoms…

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        I do not often smoke the Devil's Marihuana, but when I do, I end up spending most of the afternoon eating and watching cartoons.

        These two facts are actually not entirely unrelated.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      hahaha

      … and watch an episode of that accursed cartoon…

      Thanks for taking one for the team, Joe!

    • Doktor Zoom

      It's only Monday afternoon, man.

    • MacRaith

      Now we'll never know who the ponies endorsed for President.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        Without Applejack's vote, a broad mandate it is not.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          OK, I'm calling an intervention and pulling your man card before you go all brony on us.

    • Fuck Toad

      You should watch Friendship Is Witchcraft instead: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=frien

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        I AM ONLY THIRTY SECONDS IN AND IT IS ALREADY AMAZING IN ALL OF THE WAYS.

        ALL OF THEM.

  • snowpointsecret

    This reminds me of that one time, when we were voting for student council, and I lost by one vote because someone wrote in "Pie" as a joke. That kid is probably now running this paper.

    • Botlrokit

      Just remember this about elections: Dubya is still dumb, and Gore has an Oscar.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        And a Nobel

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I found their archives!

    Dec. 8, 1941 — Because FDR has so badly mangled our national security and the borders of this great nation and has been unable to stimulate our economic activity, we hereby recommend complete capitulation and surrender to the overwhelming forces of Japan and Germany.

    • SmutBoffin

      "The popularity of the songs (and associated lecherous gyrations) of the hirsute crooner Elvis is but a passing fad, like the rest of this 'rock & roll'. The Iowa State Daily demands that the Administration take steps to have this cacophonous and disruptive sound banned from our virtuous and seemly halls, dorms, and fraternity-houses."

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        "Nov. 1, 1960 — While we like the war record of the challenger, John F. Kennedy, he is a member of an exotic and secretive religion with bizarre rituals that defy normalcy and the rock-ribbed conservatism of the electorate, and the scion of a wealthy aristocratic political family out of touch with the values of the American heartland with his belief in fairness and equality for all.

        Richard M. Nixon, however, has shown time and again his bona fides as an upright and honest man, someone who would never stoop to dirty tricks to win an election."

    • IceCreamEmpress

      I know someone who wrote a magazine article about how the Dave Clark Five would forever be rock icons, long after also-rans like The Beatles were forgotten.

      He framed it and had it on his study wall to remind himself not to be smug in future.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Bartleby the Scrivener.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I named my first cat Bartleby. It really is the perfect name for a cat. They say they are not particular, but all in all, they would prefer not to.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        A literary reference that is sadly lost on about 99% of our countrymen, alas.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          We know stuff!! "Bartleby the Scrivener" is off Genesis's 2nd album, right?

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Damn, I thought it was an unreleased track from Jethro Tull's Thick As A Brick recording sessions.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            I'll always remember some rock critic, probably in Musician Magazine, making fun of the audible gulps of air that guy took between flute phrases while waning in the '80s.

      • emmelemm

        That is the awesomest thing I have heard in a long time.

  • SpiderCrab

    Graham Spanier, no relation to Muggsy, is a graduate of iowa State.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    At least they didn't endorse "YOU" or "THE COMPUTER"

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Wolf Blitzer was right, it's a TIE!!

  • Goonemeritus

    "Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos".

    • BumbleKid

      I guess their apathy really tied the election together.

  • PuckStopsHere

    I wonder if their thinking will be more clear after the interest rate on their student loans is jacked to 20 percent or so.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Barack Obama’s inexperience and naivete"

    Ya know who I go to when I want to have some inexperience and naivete explicated to me? That's right, fucking college students. Man, when I think back to some of the opinions and knowledge I held dear to me when I was a college student, I blanch in embarrassment, as this young editor will doubtless do someday 20 years hence. Unless he goes to work at NRO.

    • PsycWench

      At some schools, the college students exemplify inexperience and naivete combined with idealism and excitement about their future. I think these journalism students got short-changed.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Maybe these were children left behind?

    • Butch_Wagstaff

      Yeah, I recall that I was a knew-it-all dipshit when I was 19 & wasn't even a student at some fancy college like Iowa State.

    • Doktor Zoom

      See also: http://www.theonion.com/articles/college-newspape

      Yeah, I'm basically just cribbing everything from The Onion anyway

  • Guppy

    I bet Ma Bell's new Princess phones still work in a fucking power outage!

    I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

    • http://www.wonkette.com smokefilledroommate

      Ill Communication.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Translation: Sit on it, Potsie.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    This year, we endorse no one.
    Kegger at the moon tower!!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    They are college students. Their political affiliation is with the Beer Pong Party.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Well, dagnabbit, we totally missed their Halloween editorial which proclaims that "Zombie movies dangerously desensitize."

    This one was clearly written by the same guys that wrote the chalk one:

    "Of course, in part we jest."

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      "Zombie movies dangerously desensitize."

      But that's the plan!

      You watch a zombie movie and get a good laugh at the silliness of it all, and then decide to head out to the local bar for a few beers with friends. You meet a stranger and start to chat him up, talking about the weather and how about them Cowboys…

      Theyre softening us up, making us lower our guards and then *CHOMP* and next thing you know, you're shambling down La Cienega with half your femur exposed to the sky.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      "Reconsider the party you imagined — or, if you’re cooler than us, the one you went to."
      This guy is fucking pathetic.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      "Ghost Hunter" and "Shutter Island" are the examples he uses. Please, somebody hold this guy down and make him watch "Human Centipede".

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        In fairness, this douchenozzle is so….candy-assed…that he blacked out during the Blair Witch Project.

        The Mothman Prophecy probably gave him nightmares for weeks unless Mommy put him in his footie jamjams and gave him hot cocoa

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          He's still having nightmares from that one episode of Grimm he watched.

        • emmelemm

          Hey, Mothman Prophecies was kinda scary.

      • SorosBot

        Worse, make him watch The Human Centipede II, which is far more disgusting than the original, and then A Serbian Film.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        What? None of those 3 are zombie movies.

    • Fairtackle

      It is true that pride and prejudice and zombies dangerously desensitizes people to the horrors of Jane Austen.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        God knows I have to watch Sense and Sensibility stewed to the gills.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Oh let up, man, it wasn't that bad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Maybe the author is a blinded cyclops.

  • Lot_49

    O how I miss Paul Harvey, every day at noon:

    "Hello America! Stand by for news!"

    And at the end of his newscast, an interminable pause (killing the remaining portion of his allotted time) before his closing line; "Good DAY!"

    • Doktor Zoom

      Page..TWO!

      • Lot_49

        On which he would blur the line between stentorian-voiced authority figure and cheesy pitchman through the rest of his show by hustling whatever consumer product sponsored him at the time, selling it with every insincere fiber of his ancient frame.

        Good times!

        • Chichikovovich

          Slag on Harvey all you want, but you must admit that Huskvarna Chain Saws have a pretty cool name.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            The mysterious and infrequent Chichi, emerging from the mists and striking — then gone again, in a flash!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I actually remember his newscast from *before* he did that whole "voice trailing up" nonsense on the "Day" part….*koffkoff*

      Hey, What are you doing on my lawn????

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Was Paul Harvey broadcast on some frequency that only White Folks can hear? Because I never stumbled into him on the dial, even accidentally.

      • Lot_49

        Home station was WLS (890 AM) in Chicago, a Top 40 outlet during my youth there. His show was syndicated by the ABC Radio Network from 1951 until he died in 2009. There was also a syndicated feature called “The Rest of the Story” that appeared on many stations.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          Oh, I know WLS quite well, Larry Lujack and all that (in the late '70s/'80s). But I never heard Paul Harvey.

          • Lot_49

            He had five minutes at 8:00 AM and 15 minutes at noon on Saturday.”Crank Letter of the Day” FTW!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            "Animal Stories, Little Tommy!"

      • Doktor Zoom

        I think that from 1967 to 1994 the FCC required it be carried on all small-town AM stations.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I’m sure there is great future ahead for these brave young journalists as long as it doesn’t involve having an opinion, making decisions, doing research or growing a pair.

    Way to change the world guys.

    • PsycWench

      These are the students that drop Psyc 101 as soon as they realize that they aren't going to learn to read minds.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        They missed the more subtle lessons in how to manipulate them, obviously.

      • Butch_Wagstaff

        Please, please, please tell me that's a joke.

        • PsycWench

          Only barely.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      I think they're perfect for FOX News or any other place where they merely have to transcribe blast faxes.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Our parties are becoming more partisan, our media fails to report facts and instead chooses to entertain, and Americans are increasingly clueless about political issues, themselves choosing to follow propaganda despite knowing how rotten the system is becoming. Until this changes, the Daily refuses to choose an evil.

    And somewhere, there is a string of pearls in desperate need of clutching.

    • calliecallie

      And that is really some elegant journalistic prose, dontcha think?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Oh please. I haven't seen that much swooning and reaching for the smelling salts since Ashley Wilkes dumped Scarlett in favor of the Tarleton Twins in Gone With the Wind.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Given this language, why don't they endorse Cthulhu or General Zod? I mean, if you have to choose between two evils, it seems to me the correct choice is evil.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    Well I'm against it
    I'm against it
    Well I'm against it
    I'm against it
    I don't like politics
    I don't like communists
    I don't like games and fun
    I don't like anyone
    And I'm against…
    I don't like Jesus freaks
    I don't like circus geeks
    I don't like summer and spring
    I don't like anything

    ramones on iowa state daily…

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Or the Marxist version:

      I don't know what they have to say
      It makes no difference anyway
      Whatever it is, I'm against it!
      No matter what it is or who commenced it,
      I'm against it!

      (Groucho, in Horse Feathers)

    • editor

      i love you.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Supposedly, Iowa is the most literate state in the country. You'd think the editors of the Iowa State Daily would shy away from tarnishing that hard-earned reputation.

    • http://www.wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Literate, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life.

    • finallyhappy

      How is Iowa the most literate state? Currently, I believe only what my pretend son Nate Silver says and he hasn't said that about Iowa

      • Negropolis

        Iowa has been ranked high in literacy, forever. In fact, they are proud (and rightfully so) of their tradition of primary education.

    • LibrarianX

      The literate types are at the other state university – in Iowa City.

      • Naked_Bunny

        AMES LIBEL!

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Chip and his buddy seem to be making a tremendous effort to remain clothed.

    • SmutBoffin

      Little did Chip know that his editor's tip about the new 'Princess phone' would lead him into a dark underworld of bestiality and murder that would force him to reevaluate everything he has ever known…

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        David Lynch, is that you?!

  • Doktor Zoom

    Actual Transcript of the Sekrit Wonkette Chatcave:

    Rebecca S. this series needs to find its readership, it's so perfect!

    Dok Z. heh… Yeah, it's like a roundtable for improving journalism, led by a blog that focuses on the intersection of politics and buttsechs

    Dok Z. We're the Chlamydia Journalism Review

    Rebecca S. YESSSSS

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      It might help to survey more college papers, instead of whipping the same boy every time.

      • Doktor Zoom

        That's a good idea! These guys feel like the platonic ideal of collegiate blatherskite, though, so they'll retain a special place in our hearts.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          OK, I'll even throw you a little something: I just went and looked at the college paper of my alma mater, (BIG REVEAL!) Mediocre State University In The Cornfields, and found the gamboling innocence of this young lady's Opinion Column on Opinions:
          http://northernstar.info/opinion/article_d4719c50

          • Doktor Zoom

            I… Oh, dear.

            It's just a little heartbreaking that there are no comments on the piece, either.

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

            Right, but at least Mediocre State University In The Cornfields has an excellent football program, unlike Atheist Liberal College, which dissolved its football program long ago.

            We rooted for our soccer teams ::cringe::

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Meanwhile, Dame Peggington Noonington, in the Wall Street Urinal, sees Willard winning this and thinks he is "sweetly patriotic." Gag me!

    • BlueStateLibel

      Once Willard loses, and Noonington writes a story about it through her martini-infused tears, we need Jim back stat to do her justice like only he can.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    FYI
    UAz and AzSU endorsed Bamz.
    NAzU ….couldn't find any endorsements there.

  • Generation[redacted]

    "None of the above?"

    MONTGOMERY BREWSTER LIBEL.!!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Clearly, you've been fortunate enough to get to the bathroom before your partner wakes to the piss hard-on you built up overnight…

  • http://www.wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Nader 2000!

    • Naked_Bunny

      It was so embarrassing when I got Nader 2000 and Cherry 2000 confused.

  • coolhandnuke

    If the paper had endorsed Romney, Obama, who controls the weather, would have sent cyclones and tornadoes Iowa's way. If they sided with Obama, then Iowa would see an economic boom in firearms sales. But no, they sat this one out. Therefore, nothing of great or remote importance will happen in Iowa for the next four years.

    • Dashboard Buddha

      Therefore, nothing of great or remote importance will happen in Iowa for the next four years ever.

      Fixed.

  • Naked_Bunny

    This must be Generation Zzzz.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I see where some on the right are already getting set to blame Sandy if Obama wins. My thought on this is, if their God sent this storm and Obama benefits from this storm, what does that tell us about their God's political affiliation?

  • mille derps

    Alas, I suspect Wonkette will not be liveblooging the 3rd Party Presidential debate tonight, but you can still watch it online: http://freeandequal.org

    This time, the only candidates participating will be Gary Johnson & Jill Stein. 9pm EST.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'll keep that in mind just in case the Saints/Eagles gets out of hand early.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Unfair to Vermin Supreme!

  • notreelyhelping

    Well, I can tell you, it was different when I was in college, and we had The Clash to tell us what to think!

    • Dashboard Buddha

      It sounds like you had some groovy times.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Aqua Bhudda strikes again!….

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    well. andrew kohut is seeing a 'late surge' for bamz.

    i guess it's better to cover your ass at the 11th hour than be completely wrong, but still pretty bad.

  • Barrelhse

    Why, those little Mavericks.

    • Naked_Bunny

      So this is good news for John McCain?

  • barto

    I'm thinking Pullitzer. At least a Peabody.

    • mille derps

      To go with the peabrain?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee
  • Graham Cracker

    My parrot will be so disappointed not to have an endorsement at the bottom of his cage tomorrow morning. He so enjoys shitting on all them.

  • Wilcoxyz

    Needz moar platonic ideals and buggery.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Why not endorse R-money because the blah man said "REVENGE!!11!!1!!"?

  • GregComlish

    Ok dipshits, am I " increasingly clueless about political issues"? or am I "choosing to follow propaganda despite knowing how rotten the system is becoming"? Because if I literally know how rotten the system is becoming then I guess I'm not clueless, am I?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Triumphantly pressing "publish", Doktor Zoom began brainstorming the opening paragraphs of his scathing critique of the neighborhood tricycle races.

    • mille derps

      Those kids are lucky their tricycles don't have bumpers for their parents to display bumper stickers on…

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Okay, that was funny, and a burn……..and gave me pause………..but these students can vote. And if they're willing to put this stuff in their campus newspaper, we should respect them enough to ridicule them.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Shows what you know! I am in fact preparing a strongly-worded riposte to the latest "News From Lake Wobegon." Keillor is going down.

      • AlterNewt

        Thank God. Stop him before he sings again.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      It's IOWA. They're just happy someone who writes about politics pays attention to them. Wait, what?

    • Negropolis

      Leave the Iowa State Daily ALONE! Dok Zoom is so mean, y'all!

  • BadKitty904

    Land of the Free? Home of the Brave?
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/05/poll-wat

  • Gleem McShineys

    These are journalism students, or is it some kind of performance-art mashup that is scribbling cock drawings on the corpse of journalism's face, much like one does to another passed out fratboy?

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Slightly OT but the Wisconsin State Journal in Madison endorsed Mittens in the weakest most idiotic way. Actual quote:

    "Romney showed as the Republican governor of Democratic-leaning Massachusetts that he can find agreement across the partisan divide. And his vice presidential pick — Wisconsin's U.S. Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Janesville — suggests Romney is serious about tackling America's fiscal mess."

    Some of the comments are glorious. One begins: "The only reason I buy your worthless newspaper is to get the New York Times Sunday crossword."

    If'n you wanna: http://host.madison.com/news/opinion/editorial/ou

  • DahBoner

    It takes One to No one.

  • GregComlish

    Also, why are we all piling on a POS student newspaper from a mediocre state school? Yeah, their editorial board is stupid. Probably there is a unresolveable disagreement among the board and a this was the only political way forward. You figure a few Republicans are in key positions in the newspaper and threatening scorched earth if the paper endorses Obama, and the EC is a dull humorless centrist whose top priority is for everything to run smoothly until he hands the reigns over. Throw in a several other dissenting types like maybe a "principled Libertarian" dbag and a couple of Green party advocates (love you guys!) , and guy who doesn't give a shit about politics and just wants to bang the up-and-coming "Megyn Kelly" who's threatening to lose her shit about Nobama. You can start to see why its better to just punt on the whole endorsement project. Get back to opining about some tawdry inoffensive bullshit like sidewalk chalk or how Iowa gays are torn in their opinions about Chick-Fil-A.

    • Barrelhse

      I think they should aspire to be the next Harvard Lampoon; perhaps it would bring out any latent journalistic talent that may exist.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Assume Iowa State Daily idiocy stuttered dumbly.

  • poorgradstudent

    I wish I could be a fly in the wall when (if?) they figure out that Wonkette has made them into stars!

    • emmelemm

      I read that too quickly and thought you said, "Wonkette is made of stars."

      To which I say, Yes, yes it is.

  • littlebigdaddy

    This kid will be a lot happier when he admits that he is gay.

  • Schmannnity

    3:35 is quitting time? Has Wonkette gotten some Big Bank bailout money?

    • SorosBot

      I think they've got kind of a big day and night tomorrow.

      • Schmannnity

        It's 3:38 PST. When do California liquor stores close?

        • MissTaken

          2am

          • SorosBot

            It's gonna be hard getting used to that to that after being used to 9pm, 7pm Mondays and Tuesdays, and closed Sundays for so long.

          • Butch_Wagstaff

            Heh. Friday & Saturday nights they're open until 10 pm here. Hell, some stores are open from noon until 6 pm on Sundays. Say what you will about Virginia but the state (which runs the stores) isn't stupid about getting that revenue. They know that Virginians be a drinkin' bunch.

          • Schmannnity

            Really? 10:00 p.m. is an hour before date time in Miami.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Probably not good news for your liver.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Idiots
    Out
    Writing
    Articles

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    So, I do have a confuse about one thing…

    So this editorial begins by castigating the idea of the Fairness doctrine and of false "balance" in general, as an obstacle to true journalistic objectivity, which is about discovering the actual facts and reporting those, rather than just reporting two opposing viewpoints and just shrugging, and one could even make the case that false balance, far from permitting journalists to report free of any internal bias, simply makes it easier to disguise said bias by presenting "both sides" as equally faulty and the real truth" as something somewhere in the middle.

    Which leads me to the second part of the editorial, which reads, "both sides do it, both sides are partisan, blah blah blah the SYSTEM is the problem, man." Isn't saying "both sides do it" and just shrugging simply an extremely lazy version of that thing they just criticized print and broadcast media for becoming? I would say yes, but that makes me a wacko fringe extremist. We should get somebody else to say the opposite, so that we can figure out where the middle is.

  • mille derps

    I liked this bit of journalism: http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2012/nov/

  • chascates

    Wavy Gravy (Hugh Romney – no relation to Mittens) started the 'Nobody for President' campaign 1976: http://www.nobodyforpresident.org/index2012.html http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_Zdy1BGi78

  • mille derps

    "Until this changes, the Daily refuses to choose an evil."

    In Soviet Iowa, evil chooses YOU!

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    OT but super-important. The most significant political detente of my lifetime has been achieved!

    Gov. Crispy Creme has just announced that he had an extra-special experience while chatting with his new boyfriend today. As he concluded his daily conversation with Bronco Bama conducted on the First Fone of Air Force One, Bronco said, "There's someone else here who would like to speak with you." And who got on the miracle airwave but the governor's most historic crush object, yes indeedy, Citizen Bruce Frederick Joseph Springsteen of Colt's Neck, New Jersey, aka The Governor's Boss. It's super-secret what they talked about but you can bet a chill went up Crispy's leg, he saw shooting stars, and rainbow-colored ponies began dancing around him in a way Rafalca could never duplicate. Everyone in New Jersey is now required to join a union. Or something.

    The things a President has to do to get a vote. It's stomach churning.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      I hope you get to vote in two states.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      And you should have seen the death-glare Bruce gave Bronco when he found out who was on the line.

      (Nicely done, btw! And here's a link.)
      http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/11/obam

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Bronco probably told Bruce it was Bob Dylan on the line. Bruce got Chris-rolled.

      • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

        That was exactly my thought.Maybe Bruce didn't go into that conversation willingly.And the Prez probably handed him the phone thinking, “I've had enough of this asshole.Let Bruce do his duty for New Jersey.”

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Glory daze.

  • BlueStateLibel

    My cats refuse to endorse anyone either. And they're pissed that now that the power's back on, the no-jumping-on-counters rule has been re-instated.

    • BadKitty904

      Tyranny!

  • LibrarianX

    Dammit! Now No One will win tomorrow and we will never be done with this god-awful race.

  • BadKitty904
    • Doktor Zoom

      *sniff!* I hate it when ninjas sneak in and slice onions while I'm on the computer !

      • BadKitty904

        Jeez, I freekin' know, right?

        I'm sitting here, doing my homework, I happen to see that, and *boom* tears are running down my face.

        We've *G*O*T* to re-elect this guy.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
    Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated

    been waiting to post that one.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      Rest easy fuflans, Nate Silver now has Bamz chances of winning tomorrow north of 90% (Obama 91.4% : Prince Hair Gel 8.6%). Not quite straight flush odds, but pretty solid.

      That said, Mrs. weejee who was raised on a dairy farm and knows a thing or three about handling a pitchfork has gone home to sharpen the tines just in case some forking is required.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Oh, gawd, I'm going to be singing that all day tomorrow.

  • Detesticle

    Ayn Rand was also into objectivity-ism in her two books, "Russian Idiot Loves Architect Rape" and "Something Somethinged"

  • gullywompr

    Hey, what ever happened with that Osama Bin Laden guy anyway?

    • sudsmckenzie

      He moved in with Breitbart.

  • neiltheblaze

    Why do I get the image of a smug asshole in a bow tie?

    I know! He writes like a really wet behind the ears Tucker Carlson – who after DECADES is still, to this day, wet behind the ears.

  • PsycWench

    Damn, I thought it was "dull surprise" too. I mean, if you can carve deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind, you can have dull surprises.

  • mosjef

    The editorial board consists of 3 hogs and an ear of corn.

  • azeyote

    well i was a part of nobody for president in 1976 – he was of course the famous hog farm nominee – i'm sure it's still part of wavy gravys web site. – someone could have helped back then like today – hell anyone could have but of corse nobody did and that is why he was our nominee

  • sudsmckenzie

    I came out of my "day before" Xanax, Scotch, repeats of The Mentalist coma (dont judge) to zip over to Nate. … 91.4%
    http://fivethirtyeight.blogs.nytimes.com/

    Sweet Gentle Jeebus

  • Negropolis

    Wait, so you punish the presidential candidates, because of how the media reports on them? Am I understanding this correctly? Who's the editor? Because we all know that when papers speak of the opinion of an editorial "board" that it simply means the strong-willed editor rights the piece, and then passes it around so everyone can nod and let him publish it.

  • ttommyunger

    I am bravely following their example by not giving a fuck about their endorsement or non-endorsement.