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Mitt Romney, With A Week To Think About It: Only A Crazy Person Would Try To Privatize FEMA!

Political wivesHis Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, having had a week to formulate an answer to a rather pertinent question that stupid “reporters” just would not stop asking him, has finally decided what his stance on FEMA is. Are you ready to guess? Here are your options: He is for it; he is against it; he is both for and against it. OK, are you ready to test your Romney IQ?

The correct answer is: “Reply Hazy.”

First a reminder of Miffed’s previous positions on FEMA: they were, in order:
1. as governor of Massachusetts, sit on your ass until the FEMA money comes, and then don’t spend it on people’s flooded-out homes.
2. explain that FEMA’s responsibilities should be handled by cash-strapped states.
3. explain that it is “immoral” to add to the debt with natural disaster remediation.
4. privatize it.

Now? Well, you can probably parse this as well as we can, you brilliant Wonkaderos you!

“I believe that FEMA plays a key role in working with states and localities to prepare for and respond to natural disasters,” Romney said. “As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission, while directing maximum resources to the first responders who work tirelessly to help those in need, because states and localities are in the best position to get aid to the individuals and communities affected by natural disasters.”

Does it, Mittens? Does it play a “key role”? Way to go out on a limb there! How about the second part, “As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission”? Who determines whether it has “the funding it needs”? You? Paul Ryan? A death panel? We will go with “a death panel.”

And finally, nice try making nice with the “first responders”? We are pretty sure you mean “UNION THUGS” and “WELFARE QUEENS,” duh, what are personally bankrupting all the states by having pensions instead of dying old and senile in the streets as God and Ayn Rand intended.

Now let’s look at that last little bit, “because states and localities are in the best position to get aid to the individuals and communities affected by natural disasters.” Yes, we are sure Andy Griffith and Don Knotts will be up to the task when their ENTIRE TOWN is under three feet of This Water and This Sand and The Ashes and The Death.

Good answer, Your Lordship! Now you have put this to rest with some vague generalities, maybe those dumb reporters will go back to wondering about their guts.


About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. comrad_darkness

      2020 sees the revival of that staple of the theatre Annie, where Daddy Disasterprofiteer has his heart melted by the transsexual 10 year old he picked up in his limo-gondola while plying the waterways of Manhattan.

      1. SorosBot

        But they are already working on a new movie version of that, starring Willow Smith; who come to think of it earned her career and money all by herself just like Mittens.

  1. elviouslyqueer

    Sounds like somebody's more than a little butthurt about Chris Christie leaving him at the altar.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Meh. He sees the numbers on charts. He knows Christie is up for re-election next year, in blue state. He'll just have to get over it, won't he? If I was Christie's political advisor, I would have told him to keep Mitt at arms length once Ryan was the pick for veep.

      1. MittBorg

        Christie also sees the numbers, and knows that, of the two it would be much more profitable and sensible to make nice with the next President and not the contenduh.

          1. MittBorg

            Wuh. More like a blue whale, in yesterday's sweat suit. But much as I personally dislike the guy, I give him srs props for working hard for his ppl. I don't think he slept much at all over that time. He's also coming off as very apologetic in his tone to POTUS. Like POTUS has been very gracious & forgiving about the shitload of personal insults Christie dumped on him, and Christie's squirming at the memory. It's interesting theater, fershure.

  2. nounverb911

    To assist in the cleanup, Bain has announced that it will buy beachfront properties for one cent on the dollar.

    1. IndianaKevin

      … then outsource the actual cleanup to KBR, which will electrocute soldiers who subsequently try to take showers there.

    2. comrad_darkness

      And then, out of the goodness of their hearts, will develop it into resort condos using federal grant money. No one will notice that the grants will add to somewhere in the range of 2x the actual cost due to excessive use of slave and illegal labor.

  3. Generation[redacted]

    Don't forget the most important step. When things go wrong, blame the opposing party's governors.

  4. Not_So_Much

    The takeaway here, I believe, is that he won't answer any questions if they are only asked 14 times. The bar has been set. If you want to know something from the Emperor, 15 asks is the minimum.

    1. gullywompr

      Not this week. The brave civilians at the State Department are neglected heroes now, because Benghazi, and deserve far more than they got.

      Check back again next February.

    2. Bezoar

      For fun, let's go back to calling the Defense Department the War Department, and then give each state one. Intrade would go nuts!

  5. Beowoof

    This guy's positions on everything are a case study in being a shallow, soulless, money grubbing, thieving asshole. And yet half of America seems to be supporting him. As I believe Maya Angelou said when someone shows what they are believe them. However as P.T.Barnum said, there is a sucker born every minute – welcome to Fox watching, Rush listening America.

    1. IndianaKevin

      "half of America seems to be supporting him" is what the media want us to believe. If they reported that 90 percent see Rmoney for what he is, they would have no basis for 24-7 breathless coverage. I'm amused that a former staple of poll data, the margin of error, has disappeared from the reporting.

  6. Callyson

    FFS, first Clinton had to fix FEMA after the Reagan Bush era brought us the disastrous response to Hurricane Andres, then Obama had to fix it after Katrina. If Mittens gets in, he will flip flop so often that the rest of FEMA's nine lives will be long gone before anyone else can fix it…

  7. PsycWench

    “I believe that FEMA plays a key role in working with states and localities to prepare for and respond to natural disasters,”
    Spoken like someone who just got around to looking up what "FEMA" stands for.

    1. IndianaKevin

      But he read only as far as the first line of the mission statement. Feeling satisfied that he then knew all he needed to know, he formulated his latest view on the issue. Stay tuned to this developing story.

      1. bikerlaureate

        Latest view? Maybe not. That was Wednesday night's statement – has he changed his tune an odd (anti-FEMA) or even (pro-FEMA again) number of times since then?

    2. shelwood46

      Yeah, it was pretty clear in his original response he had no idea what he was talking about. As one of those local first responders (fuck you, Becky, we do still have to take care of things even with a FEMA response), FEMA is a support that coordinates additional personnel and resources for us and, oh yeah, sends us money to pay for our time and equipment after the fact. They do not have their own fire trucks or ambulances or cop cars, never have, never will.

  8. Generation[redacted]

    "Don't worry, folks. President Romney has sent in a team of Blackwater snipers to assist you."

  9. katorigasuki

    i'm gonna be hella pissed if this dill-hole wins this damn thing all because Bamz hit the snooze button on that first debate.

    1. bikerlaureate

      If it ends up being that close, perhaps we're in opposition to forces that can't be stopped by a reality-based minority.

      I mean, I'm still knocking on doors and making calls for the President daily, but we are fighting entropy here.

    2. MittBorg

      If Asshole wins, it won't be because of anything Obama did. Anon knows that Karl Rove has been trying to spin this as a close race because that's how you steal the vote. They're watching him.

      1. starfanglednut

        If asshole wins, it will be because of voter stoooopid. I am cautiously optimistic however, and have somehow managed to stop obsessing about the election. It's 4 days away. Pretty much everything that can be done has been done at this point, including the baby jesus sending a frankenstorm our way that made Hopey look presidential and Mittens look impotent. (No disrespect intended to those suffering as a result of the storm- the human cost transcends politics.) So relax, my love. Fire up that bong and watch a movie. It's gonna be OK.

  10. ph7

    Regarding privatization of disaster relief:

    I may have once been present at a board meeting of an large engineering firm in which the major expansion into the provision of disaster services was discussed.

    Why disaster services? It was, by far, the most profitable of all their business lines. The explanation: government will pay any price when disaster strikes.

    Yes, privatization. Great margins can be had when a country is knocked flat.

    1. HistoriCat

      Disaster services are like war profiteering without the bother having to pretend to care about the troops.

  11. Mumbletypeg

    If this post could have an image I would opt for the fudgepacking-Mitt.gif

    There's no better representation of an incompetent loser getting his hands dirty with substance with which he has no inherent, lasting familiarity.

    1. e_z

      As if..

      For the most part they do not even experience cognitive dissonance. Remember these are the units that hold signs proclaiming they want the government out of their social security.

  12. Barbara_

    I'm hoping that those hit hardest by this disaster will be from the GOP.
    If Paul Ryan manages to lose two elections on Tuesday night, drinks are on me.

    1. JustPixelz

      I'm optimistic Ryan will lose. Walsh also. West. Cantor. Bachmann. But I'm normally a "martini glass is half full" kinda guy.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      I have a bottle of champagne set aside for that special moment when FOX News calls it for Obama. Schaden-bubbly.

    3. orygoon

      I have a smart and likable young nephew in Janesville that I hope to see challenge Ryan for his seat soon-ish, ftw.

    4. Chet Kincaid_

      Me and Mrs. Kincaid went down to a Negro South Side Party Space that had been rented out for a victory party on election night of 2008. It was the stuff of FOX viewers' nightmares: an Old School R&B dance party, with Nobama on the big screen!

  13. Estproph

    “I believe that FEMA plays a key role in working with states and localities to prepare for and respond to natural disasters, unless my base believes that they are all sekrit furiner Muslins who want to turn their wives into lesbians and take their guns away, unless the undecided voters believe that my base are a bunch of crackpots – in which case I will go back to my original position, unless the press tries to paint me as a moderate alienating my base – unless I will go back to my other position, unless more moderate Republicans start to abandon me – in which case I will go back to my original position… "

    Romney/Heisenberg 2012!

    1. walterhwhite

      I would take Heisenberg (Walter's White's alter ego, not the scientist) any day over the Mitbott.

    2. AncienReggie

      Romney/Heisenberg 2012! Priceless.
      No, wait. Priceless is the wrong word. Expensive? Ah, hell. Let me just say this:

      Romney/Heisenberg 2012! FTW.

  14. Terry

    "And finally, nice try making nice with the “first responders”? We are pretty sure you mean “UNION THUGS” …"

    Of course, many first responders do belong to unions.

    1. shelwood46

      In NYC, yes. In NJ, only in the major cities (AC, Newark, Jersey City, etc). 90% of firefighters and EMTs in NJ are unpaid volunteers. No union, though we do have a state association.

      1. smokefilledroommate

        01001001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01101101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 00100111 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100001 01100111 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101111 01100001 01110010 01100100 01110011 00100111 00111111 ?

  15. SorosBot

    So, as with Iran, Mitt has now changed his FEMA policy to be exactly the same as Obama's; only Obama is still doing it wrong, because black.

  16. actor212

    I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission


    FEMA's mission will be to stand on the sidelines cheering on the residents of disaster-stricken areas to cannibalism. This requires zero funding but keeps my promise.

    1. heathenette

      Cheering on the Disaster Capitalists, who can do the real work (of drowing the baby in the bath tub), for 100 X the price of those good for nothing government employees.

  17. Terry

    "Yes, we are sure Andy Griffith and Don Knotts will be up to the task when their ENTIRE TOWN is under three feet of This Water and This Sand and The Ashes and The Death."

    Recall that this is pretty much what Bush and Rove did during Katrina, but they added the twist of first sending help to Mississippi with it's Republican governor and letting Louisiana (Dem governor at the time) wait longer.

    1. bikerlaureate

      …consistent with population clusters of the time.

      Moochers don't deserve air conditioning, much less seawalls.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    The answer is clear — Mitt will de-fund FEMA, return its functions to the states, save tax dollars, make disaster response more effective, work with the private sector, eliminate bureaucratic inefficiency, ensure preparedness, leverage synergies, cut the red tape, batten down the hatches, reef the mainsail, toggle the yin-yang and will do all this at no cost to the consumer. And elected or not, if anything works it'll be because they followed his advice all along.

  19. freakishlywrong

    But, but, he's winning! Let's face it. Our addled stupids are still going to vote for this asshole and his sidekick. They simply don't realize what a minority they are. And they won't, even after after the election.

    1. gullywompr

      No. And they will determine that the reason they lost was they were not far enough to the right, and go farther right, then lose again to President Biden, go further right, lose to Biden again, and then sell the franchise to Salt Lake, and look for new owners.

  20. memzilla

    Here's the Mittbot position he will switch to after he (G-d forfend) is elected:

    Privatize all FEMA functions into FEMACorp. Then allow the individual states to buy shares in FEMACorp — call them Priority Response Guarantees — while simultaneously offshoring all the disaster responder jerbs to China.

    When there is a disaster in the US, simply put the Chinese disaster responders on a slow boat to the US; that'll take about five weeks to arrive here. By that time at least 47% of the people who need assistance the most, and can affford it the least, will no longer need the assistance (read: dead).

    So, FEMACorp becomes a culling process for the 53% of America — rather, the .053% — that Mittbot says he cares about, plus a way to further disempower unions, and a massive profit center, since the Chinese disaster responders will have nothing to do once they arrive and will therefore not need to be paid (ha ha, silly Chinese laborers, you couldn't afford to hire an interpreter to read the fine print in English on the contracts you signed!).

    Simple, isn't it?

    1. emmelemm

      I'm reading this thread a little late, but I just want to say that this is pretty much a spot-on read of how Mitt and all the Republicans would like to run this country, and it's terrifying.

      1. Designer_Rants

        Well, it wasn't Terri Gross, it was someone else doing a segment about English words Americans are now using, like "Spot on" and such. "Snarky" was another one, and the guy explained what "Snarky" is by describing the comments on sites like "Gawker, Wonkette, and Deadspin".

  21. Aridzona

    Romney would be twice as efficient as President Obama when it comes to directing FEMA efforts. After all, he only has to care about 53% of those impacted by natural disasters.

  22. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Mitt will ensure that FEMA has as much money as Mitt thinks FEMA should have, to do whatever Mitt thinks FEMA should do.

    This has been Mitt's position all along … how can you say he's being inconsistent?

  23. oenspiek

    FEMA needs to be privatized! Once it's in the hands of our jerb creators, they'll create jerbs where they're truly needed: China, and India.

    1. delaney_blom

      Where are Ryan's hands?

      It's not just you; the look on his face says, "I've been in the US House of Representatives for 14 years, but this is the congress I want to be a part of."

  24. JustPixelz

    When people had mortgages underwater, Mittens wanted to just let banks foreclose so the market could sort it out. He felt the same way about people who had houses literally underwater: let the market sort it out with some kinda FEMA, Inc. I guess he suddenly realized people are voters, my friend.

  25. StillGoinGreen

    Hey, Lord Mittens – good luck borrowing those helicopter carriers from the Utah Navy when you suffer your first hurricane disaster!

  26. MissTaken

    Day One:

    We're gonna keep the stuff that FEMA does well and magically get rid of the stuff it doesn't. Just like with Obamacare – we're gonna keep the stuff you like, such as pre-existing conditions and letting kiddies stay on until 26, while magically getting rid of the stuff you don't like, such as…um…oops…what was there we don't actually like again? Oh yeah, birth control.

    Anyway, Day One! Magic!

    1. SorosBot

      Just like Mitt can take credit for the success of Obama's auto bailout, which was really the same as Romney's policy at the time of "let the car companies go bankrupt".

  27. OneDollarJuana

    "I don 't know any people whose houses are flooded, but I do know several of the owners of the banks that hold the mortgages."

  28. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Let's give everything back to the states! They should have their own armies and the ability to declare war! And their own currency! And their own time zones! And pollution regulations! Sure! That'll work! What could possibly go wrong?

  29. widestanceromance

    All Willard needs is ONE misspent penny in this disaster (which will consume 200% of FOX airtime), and he will be screaming about repealing FEMAcare, that oily sleazebag scum MFer.

  30. LesBontemps

    OT, but WTF?:

    Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly.

    I didn't mention tards OR death.

  31. La_Cieca

    "And my little friend Paulie agrees with me, don't you, Paulie?"

    "Agrees with what?"

    "Oh, come on, quit your clowning! Say hello to the nice people, Paulie!"

    "Hello to the nice people, Paulie!"

    "Hey, knucklehead, cut it out! We've got a show to do here!"

    "Who cares about the show? I want to go out and find some broads!"

    "Hey, watch it, knucklehead!"


    "On Day One, after repealing Obamacare, I will use discretionary funds to double the current public funding of PBS and NPR. More Sesame St. and less Wall St."!

  33. neiltheblaze

    Romney is trailing Obama by 19% in Massachusetts – and that's the Rasmussen poll. (The Suffolk University poll has Obama up by 32%.)

    So – the fact that he was governor here and is, on some level, a "native son", has only garnered him 40% backing in a Republican skewed poll.

    Has any Presidential candidate faced numbers like that in his alleged "home state"? I can't think of any.

  34. Chet Kincaid_

    "In a Romney Administration, decent, hardworking people will not have to guard the bridges with rifles themselves: FEMA will insure that private security contractors will keep minorities from escaping the affected areas."

  35. shelwood46

    You know, as a NJ volunteer firefighter who hasn't been home since Sunday, I don't really appreciate being compared to Barney Fife.

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