HALLIBURTON'S GOT YOU COVERED  12:30 pm November 1, 2012

Mitt Romney, With A Week To Think About It: Only A Crazy Person Would Try To Privatize FEMA!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Political wivesHis Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, having had a week to formulate an answer to a rather pertinent question that stupid “reporters” just would not stop asking him, has finally decided what his stance on FEMA is. Are you ready to guess? Here are your options: He is for it; he is against it; he is both for and against it. OK, are you ready to test your Romney IQ?

The correct answer is: “Reply Hazy.”

First a reminder of Miffed’s previous positions on FEMA: they were, in order:
1. as governor of Massachusetts, sit on your ass until the FEMA money comes, and then don’t spend it on people’s flooded-out homes.
2. explain that FEMA’s responsibilities should be handled by cash-strapped states.
3. explain that it is “immoral” to add to the debt with natural disaster remediation.
4. privatize it.

Now? Well, you can probably parse this as well as we can, you brilliant Wonkaderos you!

“I believe that FEMA plays a key role in working with states and localities to prepare for and respond to natural disasters,” Romney said. “As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission, while directing maximum resources to the first responders who work tirelessly to help those in need, because states and localities are in the best position to get aid to the individuals and communities affected by natural disasters.”

Does it, Mittens? Does it play a “key role”? Way to go out on a limb there! How about the second part, “As president, I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission”? Who determines whether it has “the funding it needs”? You? Paul Ryan? A death panel? We will go with “a death panel.”

And finally, nice try making nice with the “first responders”? We are pretty sure you mean “UNION THUGS” and “WELFARE QUEENS,” duh, what are personally bankrupting all the states by having pensions instead of dying old and senile in the streets as God and Ayn Rand intended.

Now let’s look at that last little bit, “because states and localities are in the best position to get aid to the individuals and communities affected by natural disasters.” Yes, we are sure Andy Griffith and Don Knotts will be up to the task when their ENTIRE TOWN is under three feet of This Water and This Sand and The Ashes and The Death.

Good answer, Your Lordship! Now you have put this to rest with some vague generalities, maybe those dumb reporters will go back to wondering about their guts.

[WaPo]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 220 comments }

nounverb911 November 1, 2012 at 12:34 pm

"Disaster profiteers are people too, also"
–Mitt Romney

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Toilet paper becomes currency and currency becomes toilet paper — Actor212's Rules for Disaaster Survival.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 1:48 pm

You spelled that like a Finn.

PugglesRule November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

His real name is Aäctör212 – but someone else in Equity already had that name.

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 2:02 pm

The extra "a" is for Actor!

emmelemm November 1, 2012 at 2:58 pm

You know of the affinity of the Finns for the double vowels?

comrad_darkness November 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm

2020 sees the revival of that staple of the theatre Annie, where Daddy Disasterprofiteer has his heart melted by the transsexual 10 year old he picked up in his limo-gondola while plying the waterways of Manhattan.

SorosBot November 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

But they are already working on a new movie version of that, starring Willow Smith; who come to think of it earned her career and money all by herself just like Mittens.

ChillBill November 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

"We have to outsource it over here so we don't have to outsource it over there."
– Mitt Romney

elviouslyqueer November 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Sounds like somebody's more than a little butthurt about Chris Christie leaving him at the altar.

ChillBill November 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

For a younger, better looking black man no less!

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Once you go Black …

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Though, based on that pic, Lyan would be delighted to step in as a surrogate bride…

Mittens Howell, III November 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Too late, the veil's already been lifted on that one.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Meh. He sees the numbers on charts. He knows Christie is up for re-election next year, in blue state. He'll just have to get over it, won't he? If I was Christie's political advisor, I would have told him to keep Mitt at arms length once Ryan was the pick for veep.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Christie also sees the numbers, and knows that, of the two it would be much more profitable and sensible to make nice with the next President and not the contenduh.

Bezoar November 1, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'm imagining Christie as a 'canary in a coal mine'.

sati_demise November 1, 2012 at 2:29 pm

more like turd in a punch bowl.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Wuh. More like a blue whale, in yesterday's sweat suit. But much as I personally dislike the guy, I give him srs props for working hard for his ppl. I don't think he slept much at all over that time. He's also coming off as very apologetic in his tone to POTUS. Like POTUS has been very gracious & forgiving about the shitload of personal insults Christie dumped on him, and Christie's squirming at the memory. It's interesting theater, fershure.

nonbeliever7 November 1, 2012 at 2:54 pm

Given recent events and total mass, let's call Christie the "Big Bird in a coal mine".

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Also, Cory Booker was busy.

nounverb911 November 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

To assist in the cleanup, Bain has announced that it will buy beachfront properties for one cent on the dollar.

IndianaKevin November 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

… then outsource the actual cleanup to KBR, which will electrocute soldiers who subsequently try to take showers there.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 1:51 pm

While feeding them spoiled food and water tainted with dissolving corpses.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

More and more, they'll find themselves underwater on such properties.

comrad_darkness November 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm

And then, out of the goodness of their hearts, will develop it into resort condos using federal grant money. No one will notice that the grants will add to somewhere in the range of 2x the actual cost due to excessive use of slave and illegal labor.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 3:04 pm

2012 beachfront, or 2030 beachfront?

Generation[redacted] November 1, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Don't forget the most important step. When things go wrong, blame the opposing party's governors.

Weenus299 November 1, 2012 at 12:37 pm

47 percent fewer people to care about, 47 percent less FEMA.

weejee November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

Miffed! Dang it I'm just Miffed with Willard's furry answer!!!

Not_So_Much November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

The takeaway here, I believe, is that he won't answer any questions if they are only asked 14 times. The bar has been set. If you want to know something from the Emperor, 15 asks is the minimum.

Radiotherapy November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

In exchange, he wants to give the State Department back to the states.

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Well it does have state right in the name, so republicans would think that wise.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Not this week. The brave civilians at the State Department are neglected heroes now, because Benghazi, and deserve far more than they got.

Check back again next February.

bikerlaureate November 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

February? They'll cease to be of any "interest" to Foulx Noos next week.

Bezoar November 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm

For fun, let's go back to calling the Defense Department the War Department, and then give each state one. Intrade would go nuts!

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

This guy's positions on everything are a case study in being a shallow, soulless, money grubbing, thieving asshole. And yet half of America seems to be supporting him. As I believe Maya Angelou said when someone shows what they are believe them. However as P.T.Barnum said, there is a sucker born every minute – welcome to Fox watching, Rush listening America.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 12:49 pm

“Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.”

~ W. C. Fields

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 1:53 pm

What?! I thought you were born like 10 minutes ago!

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Pshaw! It was 20 minutes ago, PLUS *huge* movie buff…

IndianaKevin November 1, 2012 at 1:08 pm

"half of America seems to be supporting him" is what the media want us to believe. If they reported that 90 percent see Rmoney for what he is, they would have no basis for 24-7 breathless coverage. I'm amused that a former staple of poll data, the margin of error, has disappeared from the reporting.

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Reporting has disappeared from reporting, also.

HistoriCat November 1, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Not disappeared, just self-deported.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Did you know that if you put your nose in a cat's belly, they smell absolutely delicious?

Sorry. Good drugs.

Callyson November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

FFS, first Clinton had to fix FEMA after the Reagan Bush era brought us the disastrous response to Hurricane Andres, then Obama had to fix it after Katrina. If Mittens gets in, he will flip flop so often that the rest of FEMA's nine lives will be long gone before anyone else can fix it…

PsycWench November 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm

“I believe that FEMA plays a key role in working with states and localities to prepare for and respond to natural disasters,”
Spoken like someone who just got around to looking up what "FEMA" stands for.

Beowoof November 1, 2012 at 12:54 pm

You mean it wasn't Fucking Eat Me Ann?

IndianaKevin November 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm

But he read only as far as the first line of the mission statement. Feeling satisfied that he then knew all he needed to know, he formulated his latest view on the issue. Stay tuned to this developing story.

bikerlaureate November 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Latest view? Maybe not. That was Wednesday night's statement – has he changed his tune an odd (anti-FEMA) or even (pro-FEMA again) number of times since then?

starfanglednut November 1, 2012 at 10:01 pm

AOTK.

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Leave Sarah Palin out of this!

FlownOver November 1, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I mean, goodness gracious – why does the federal government need a thighbone anyway?

shelwood46 November 1, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Yeah, it was pretty clear in his original response he had no idea what he was talking about. As one of those local first responders (fuck you, Becky, we do still have to take care of things even with a FEMA response), FEMA is a support that coordinates additional personnel and resources for us and, oh yeah, sends us money to pay for our time and equipment after the fact. They do not have their own fire trucks or ambulances or cop cars, never have, never will.

Generation[redacted] November 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

"Don't worry, folks. President Romney has sent in a team of Blackwater snipers to assist you."

IndianaKevin November 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"We're here to help," they say to cover the clicks of their weapons' safeties.

katorigasuki November 1, 2012 at 12:39 pm

i'm gonna be hella pissed if this dill-hole wins this damn thing all because Bamz hit the snooze button on that first debate.

bikerlaureate November 1, 2012 at 1:21 pm

If it ends up being that close, perhaps we're in opposition to forces that can't be stopped by a reality-based minority.

I mean, I'm still knocking on doors and making calls for the President daily, but we are fighting entropy here.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Don't stop doing what you do. We all have to do our part.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 2:05 pm

If Asshole wins, it won't be because of anything Obama did. Anon knows that Karl Rove has been trying to spin this as a close race because that's how you steal the vote. They're watching him.

starfanglednut November 1, 2012 at 10:09 pm

If asshole wins, it will be because of voter stoooopid. I am cautiously optimistic however, and have somehow managed to stop obsessing about the election. It's 4 days away. Pretty much everything that can be done has been done at this point, including the baby jesus sending a frankenstorm our way that made Hopey look presidential and Mittens look impotent. (No disrespect intended to those suffering as a result of the storm- the human cost transcends politics.) So relax, my love. Fire up that bong and watch a movie. It's gonna be OK.

MittBorg November 1, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Thank you, darls. (Hugs you) You sure know how to make a body feel good.

ph7 November 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Regarding privatization of disaster relief:

I may have once been present at a board meeting of an large engineering firm in which the major expansion into the provision of disaster services was discussed.

Why disaster services? It was, by far, the most profitable of all their business lines. The explanation: government will pay any price when disaster strikes.

Yes, privatization. Great margins can be had when a country is knocked flat.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 12:54 pm

US Deaths = US Dollars

SigDeFlyinMonky November 1, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Except Haiti.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 3:09 pm

They refused to leave a security deposit.

HistoriCat November 1, 2012 at 2:36 pm

Disaster services are like war profiteering without the bother having to pretend to care about the troops.

Mumbletypeg November 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

If this post could have an image I would opt for the fudgepacking-Mitt.gif

There's no better representation of an incompetent loser getting his hands dirty with substance with which he has no inherent, lasting familiarity.

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

The Editrix retracted her adamantium claws, and Lord Romney collapsed in an eviscerated, bloody heap.

bikerlaureate November 1, 2012 at 1:21 pm

I love that vote-based allegory.

SigDeFlyinMonky November 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Just think what unpleasantness could be avoided if mormons mated like praying mantids.

Loch_Nessosaur November 1, 2012 at 12:40 pm

The upside is every time Mittz flip flops a bagger head explodes.

e_z November 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm

As if..

For the most part they do not even experience cognitive dissonance. Remember these are the units that hold signs proclaiming they want the government out of their social security.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Eggzactly. "We have always been at war with…. [checks teleprompter] … "

Barbara_ November 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I'm hoping that those hit hardest by this disaster will be from the GOP.
If Paul Ryan manages to lose two elections on Tuesday night, drinks are on me.

JustPixelz November 1, 2012 at 12:54 pm

I'm optimistic Ryan will lose. Walsh also. West. Cantor. Bachmann. But I'm normally a "martini glass is half full" kinda guy.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 3:11 pm

I would be, if were able to leave it half-full.

Lascauxcaveman November 1, 2012 at 1:00 pm

I have a bottle of champagne set aside for that special moment when FOX News calls it for Obama. Schaden-bubbly.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Hmm. I likes the sound o' that. O-bubbly!

orygoon November 1, 2012 at 1:15 pm

I have a smart and likable young nephew in Janesville that I hope to see challenge Ryan for his seat soon-ish, ftw.

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Me and Mrs. Kincaid went down to a Negro South Side Party Space that had been rented out for a victory party on election night of 2008. It was the stuff of FOX viewers' nightmares: an Old School R&B dance party, with Nobama on the big screen!

mull_man November 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Yeah – Queens*.

*the borough, not Elizabeth, Freddie, and the gheys.

starfanglednut November 1, 2012 at 10:11 pm

I don't drink any more. Will you make me a s'more? (having inexplicable craving)

Detesticle November 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Romney will not ensure anything as president, because he will not be president.

Estproph November 1, 2012 at 12:41 pm

“I believe that FEMA plays a key role in working with states and localities to prepare for and respond to natural disasters, unless my base believes that they are all sekrit furiner Muslins who want to turn their wives into lesbians and take their guns away, unless the undecided voters believe that my base are a bunch of crackpots – in which case I will go back to my original position, unless the press tries to paint me as a moderate alienating my base – unless I will go back to my other position, unless more moderate Republicans start to abandon me – in which case I will go back to my original position… "

Romney/Heisenberg 2012!

vulpes82 November 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Where's his cat? Is it on the roof of the car, or not?

SigDeFlyinMonky November 1, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Yes.

walterhwhite November 1, 2012 at 1:19 pm

I would take Heisenberg (Walter's White's alter ego, not the scientist) any day over the Mitbott.

AncienReggie November 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Romney/Heisenberg 2012! Priceless.
No, wait. Priceless is the wrong word. Expensive? Ah, hell. Let me just say this:

Romney/Heisenberg 2012! FTW.

starfanglednut November 1, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Schrodinger libel!

Terry November 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm

"And finally, nice try making nice with the “first responders”? We are pretty sure you mean “UNION THUGS” …"

Of course, many first responders do belong to unions.

shelwood46 November 1, 2012 at 5:55 pm

In NYC, yes. In NJ, only in the major cities (AC, Newark, Jersey City, etc). 90% of firefighters and EMTs in NJ are unpaid volunteers. No union, though we do have a state association.

Blueb4sinrise November 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm

0 v
1 v
101 v
0010 v
110011 v
0101 v
110 v
1100011 v

nounverb911 November 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

01000011 01110101 01110100 01100101 00100001

JustPixelz November 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

(wipes tear from eye)

You guys are the best!

Blueb4sinrise November 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm

0101
101
101
01111000
0101

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 12:57 pm

01001001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01100010 01100101 01100011 01101111 01101101 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101111 01101110 01100101 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101111 01110011 01100101 00100000 00100111 01100010 01101001 01101110 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100000 01101101 01100101 01110011 01110011 01100001 01100111 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101111 01100001 01110010 01100100 01110011 00100111 00111111 ?

Blueb4sinrise November 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

^

Nostrildamus November 1, 2012 at 3:29 pm

T

IndianaKevin November 1, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Language!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

kkkkkkkkkk.

iburl November 1, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Criticize if you want, but Bishop Romney's Snake Oil cured my lumbago.

kittensdontlie November 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Mitten's new start-up, Storm Relief™ , is just the right medicine for a FEMA-less world.

SigDeFlyinMonky November 1, 2012 at 2:10 pm

And my membranous croup!

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Surprised he didn't say FEMA was the largest bone in the body and that many legs depend on it.

weejee November 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Don't Rethugs think the largest bone is the Koch?

bikerlaureate November 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm

My friend, femurs are bones too.

PugglesRule November 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I broke my right tibia once. It was right night to my FEMA, which is a much bigger bone.

SorosBot November 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

So, as with Iran, Mitt has now changed his FEMA policy to be exactly the same as Obama's; only Obama is still doing it wrong, because black.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Dang, at this rate, the two of 'em may as well be going steady…

ChillBill November 1, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Mitt is not cool with Barry taking credit for his ideas.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

And Obama's lazy for acting too quickly.

PugglesRule November 1, 2012 at 2:07 pm

And, because not Republican, also too. But mostly because black.

Lucidamente1 November 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

"When I am president, FEMA will have all the horses and bayonets it needs."

Radiotherapy November 1, 2012 at 12:48 pm

The Navy has fewer disasters than ever.

deanbooth November 1, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Well, he was right on about our need for more boats.

Oblios_Cap November 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

It's okay, folks. Elohim is sending help from Kolob even as we speak.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Now, before I tell you what time it is, what time would you like it to be?

Detesticle November 1, 2012 at 12:50 pm

ha. genius. true.

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I'd like it to be Peanut Butter Jelly Time.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Damn you.

widestanceromance November 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Bless you.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Damn you to Hell.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Time for Miffed Money to ride off into the sunset on his dancing horse. (Hey, you asked.)

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm
natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:29 pm

5 o'clock, please.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Clobberin'?

Gleem McShineys November 1, 2012 at 3:51 pm
starfanglednut November 1, 2012 at 10:14 pm

4:20?

actor212 November 1, 2012 at 12:44 pm

I will ensure FEMA has the funding it needs to fulfill its mission

TRANSLATION:

FEMA's mission will be to stand on the sidelines cheering on the residents of disaster-stricken areas to cannibalism. This requires zero funding but keeps my promise.

heathenette November 1, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Cheering on the Disaster Capitalists, who can do the real work (of drowing the baby in the bath tub), for 100 X the price of those good for nothing government employees.

cousinitt November 1, 2012 at 3:13 pm

Exactly. Everything out of his mouth are weasel words. Even weasels are annoyed.

Terry November 1, 2012 at 12:44 pm

"Yes, we are sure Andy Griffith and Don Knotts will be up to the task when their ENTIRE TOWN is under three feet of This Water and This Sand and The Ashes and The Death."

Recall that this is pretty much what Bush and Rove did during Katrina, but they added the twist of first sending help to Mississippi with it's Republican governor and letting Louisiana (Dem governor at the time) wait longer.

weejee November 1, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Lucidamente1 November 1, 2012 at 12:46 pm

"When I am president, I will restore FEMA's funding to its 1917 levels."

bikerlaureate November 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

…consistent with population clusters of the time.

Moochers don't deserve air conditioning, much less seawalls.

ChillBill November 1, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Does FEMA cover Mitt's National Clusterfuck campaign?

SayItWithWookies November 1, 2012 at 12:49 pm

The answer is clear — Mitt will de-fund FEMA, return its functions to the states, save tax dollars, make disaster response more effective, work with the private sector, eliminate bureaucratic inefficiency, ensure preparedness, leverage synergies, cut the red tape, batten down the hatches, reef the mainsail, toggle the yin-yang and will do all this at no cost to the consumer. And elected or not, if anything works it'll be because they followed his advice all along.

freakishlywrong November 1, 2012 at 12:50 pm

But, but, he's winning! Let's face it. Our addled stupids are still going to vote for this asshole and his sidekick. They simply don't realize what a minority they are. And they won't, even after after the election.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 12:56 pm

No. And they will determine that the reason they lost was they were not far enough to the right, and go farther right, then lose again to President Biden, go further right, lose to Biden again, and then sell the franchise to Salt Lake, and look for new owners.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Biden/Warren 2016. I'm ordering my bumper stickers now.

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 1:13 pm

The Franken administration will be their splosion.

doloras November 1, 2012 at 6:38 pm

If the Repubs keep self destructing, Biden/Warren's main challengers will be the Jill Stein/Roseanne Barr ticket.

memzilla November 1, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Here's the Mittbot position he will switch to after he (G-d forfend) is elected:

Privatize all FEMA functions into FEMACorp. Then allow the individual states to buy shares in FEMACorp — call them Priority Response Guarantees — while simultaneously offshoring all the disaster responder jerbs to China.

When there is a disaster in the US, simply put the Chinese disaster responders on a slow boat to the US; that'll take about five weeks to arrive here. By that time at least 47% of the people who need assistance the most, and can affford it the least, will no longer need the assistance (read: dead).

So, FEMACorp becomes a culling process for the 53% of America — rather, the .053% — that Mittbot says he cares about, plus a way to further disempower unions, and a massive profit center, since the Chinese disaster responders will have nothing to do once they arrive and will therefore not need to be paid (ha ha, silly Chinese laborers, you couldn't afford to hire an interpreter to read the fine print in English on the contracts you signed!).

Simple, isn't it?

Oblios_Cap November 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

What's good for FEMACorp is good for America.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Doesn't FEMACorp have to borrow a shitload of money first, so Mitt can pocket half of it?

memzilla November 1, 2012 at 1:06 pm

You're hired! Sign right here!

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I think Bubba has already held that job for quite some time.

PugglesRule November 1, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Memzilla for FEMACorp. owner manager!

HistoriCat November 1, 2012 at 2:45 pm

The Republican party is interested in your ideas and would like to receive your newsletter.

emmelemm November 1, 2012 at 10:54 pm

I'm reading this thread a little late, but I just want to say that this is pretty much a spot-on read of how Mitt and all the Republicans would like to run this country, and it's terrifying.

cheetojeebus November 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

I don't want to respond to quickly here.

where's the ponies?

Shypixel November 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

The ponies are Doc's thing. His sick, sick thing.

Designer_Rants November 1, 2012 at 12:55 pm

OT: Wonkette was just mentioned for its "snark" on "Fresh Air".

widestanceromance November 1, 2012 at 1:17 pm

I recall Brian Lamb quoting something from Wonkette once, and it blew my mind.

commiegirl99 November 1, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Oooh, what'd they say?

Designer_Rants November 1, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Well, it wasn't Terri Gross, it was someone else doing a segment about English words Americans are now using, like "Spot on" and such. "Snarky" was another one, and the guy explained what "Snarky" is by describing the comments on sites like "Gawker, Wonkette, and Deadspin".

fuflans November 1, 2012 at 4:31 pm

geoff nunberg, their linguist. he called it our 'patois' if i remember correctly.

he also got a little dig in at palin.

Designer_Rants November 1, 2012 at 6:44 pm

I wonder how many linguists are on Fox News' payroll?

gullywompr November 1, 2012 at 8:52 pm

None that are cunning, that's for sure.

Thanks for the setup.

Aridzona November 1, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Romney would be twice as efficient as President Obama when it comes to directing FEMA efforts. After all, he only has to care about 53% of those impacted by natural disasters.

UW8316154 November 1, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Does this guy just consult a random answer generator when he responds to policy questions?

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Yes and no.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Wednesday.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Better not tell you now.

Incitefully_Joe November 1, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Reply Hazy; Try Again.

bobbert November 1, 2012 at 2:33 pm

Fish.

Biel_ze_Bubba November 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Mitt will ensure that FEMA has as much money as Mitt thinks FEMA should have, to do whatever Mitt thinks FEMA should do.

This has been Mitt's position all along … how can you say he's being inconsistent?

oenspiek November 1, 2012 at 12:59 pm

FEMA needs to be privatized! Once it's in the hands of our jerb creators, they'll create jerbs where they're truly needed: China, and India.

Shypixel November 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Is it just me, or does Paul Ryan look like he wants to French Kiss Mittens in that photo above?

delaney_blom November 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Where are Ryan's hands?

It's not just you; the look on his face says, "I've been in the US House of Representatives for 14 years, but this is the congress I want to be a part of."

smellypossum November 1, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Ticklin' Mitt's shit… it was a prerequisite for the VP pick.

One_who_wanders November 1, 2012 at 1:37 pm

I've been scrolling through the responses looking for this. Thank god it isn't just me.

JustPixelz November 1, 2012 at 1:02 pm

When people had mortgages underwater, Mittens wanted to just let banks foreclose so the market could sort it out. He felt the same way about people who had houses literally underwater: let the market sort it out with some kinda FEMA, Inc. I guess he suddenly realized people are voters, my friend.

pinkocommi November 1, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Rmoney: He was for it, before he was against it, before he was for it.

Come here a minute November 1, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Heck of a job, Mittens.

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 1:09 pm

We need those FEMA reeducation camps more than ever.

Fox n Fiends November 1, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Mitt Romney: "I'll say anything about anything to get your vote! Dance horsey dance!"

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:10 pm

He was against FEMA before he was for it before he will be against it again.

outragedcitizen November 1, 2012 at 1:11 pm

If Mittten's car elevator shaft was flooded you know damn good and well he'd be screaming for FEMA help.

StillGoinGreen November 1, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Hey, Lord Mittens – good luck borrowing those helicopter carriers from the Utah Navy when you suffer your first hurricane disaster!

MissTaken November 1, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Day One:

We're gonna keep the stuff that FEMA does well and magically get rid of the stuff it doesn't. Just like with Obamacare – we're gonna keep the stuff you like, such as pre-existing conditions and letting kiddies stay on until 26, while magically getting rid of the stuff you don't like, such as…um…oops…what was there we don't actually like again? Oh yeah, birth control.

Anyway, Day One! Magic!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:21 pm

and Iran!

SorosBot November 1, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Just like Mitt can take credit for the success of Obama's auto bailout, which was really the same as Romney's policy at the time of "let the car companies go bankrupt".

OneDollarJuana November 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

"I don 't know any people whose houses are flooded, but I do know several of the owners of the banks that hold the mortgages."

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:18 pm

Let's give everything back to the states! They should have their own armies and the ability to declare war! And their own currency! And their own time zones! And pollution regulations! Sure! That'll work! What could possibly go wrong?

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Those first two options sure seemed to work pretty well in 1861…didn't they?

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 2:20 pm

It's like Socialism, it's never actually been tried! Wait.

HistoriCat November 1, 2012 at 2:53 pm
natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Precisely. It worked so well the first time! It lasted for well over a year!

widestanceromance November 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

All Willard needs is ONE misspent penny in this disaster (which will consume 200% of FOX airtime), and he will be screaming about repealing FEMAcare, that oily sleazebag scum MFer.

GeorgiaBurning November 1, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I looked up "political whore" in the dictionary and there was Romney's picture.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

“He lies. He says one thing and does another.”

~ An apolitical, Dominican whore

Botlrokit November 1, 2012 at 1:22 pm

And remember, no cowboy back in the 1880's ever dialed 911, or hollered for a first responder.

docterry6973 November 1, 2012 at 1:24 pm

Or survived an infected cut.

LesBontemps November 1, 2012 at 1:23 pm

OT, but WTF?:

Your comment must be approved by the site admins before it will appear publicly.

I didn't mention tards OR death.

freakishlywrong November 1, 2012 at 1:25 pm

There is a ghost in the machine. I mentioned both earlier, and got rejected.

smokefilledroommate November 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm

It's kind of like an IUD, but for comments.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 3:11 pm

There's a way for it to shut that whole thing down.

SorosBot November 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm

But did you go so far as to mention shoes?

MissTaken November 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Was it in Portuguese? We don't understand Brazilians around here.

La_Cieca November 1, 2012 at 1:31 pm

"And my little friend Paulie agrees with me, don't you, Paulie?"

"Agrees with what?"

"Oh, come on, quit your clowning! Say hello to the nice people, Paulie!"

"Hello to the nice people, Paulie!"

"Hey, knucklehead, cut it out! We've got a show to do here!"

"Who cares about the show? I want to go out and find some broads!"

"Hey, watch it, knucklehead!"

natl_[redacted]_cmdr November 1, 2012 at 1:36 pm

He's a real chip off the old block.

BadKitty904 November 1, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"I will now drink a glass of milk while Little Paulie sings 'De Camptown Races'!"

ravi_shankar November 1, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Romney will defend (or condemn) FEMA till it’s pried from his cold, dead hands.

BTWBFDIMHO November 1, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"On Day One, after repealing Obamacare, I will use discretionary funds to double the current public funding of PBS and NPR. More Sesame St. and less Wall St."!

An_Outhouse November 1, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Can these be the same death panels that are running Medicare? because efficiency.

alvinnewman November 1, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Is Paul doing what it looks like he is doing behind that podium….?

neiltheblaze November 1, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Romney is trailing Obama by 19% in Massachusetts – and that's the Rasmussen poll. (The Suffolk University poll has Obama up by 32%.)

So – the fact that he was governor here and is, on some level, a "native son", has only garnered him 40% backing in a Republican skewed poll.

Has any Presidential candidate faced numbers like that in his alleged "home state"? I can't think of any.

starfanglednut November 1, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Obama up 32%. Make me proud to be a Masshole.

*Sniff

LibrarianX November 1, 2012 at 2:04 pm

What is up with the look Paul Ryan is giving Willard? Can't decide: creepy or just disturbing.

Chet Kincaid_ November 1, 2012 at 2:11 pm

"In a Romney Administration, decent, hardworking people will not have to guard the bridges with rifles themselves: FEMA will insure that private security contractors will keep minorities from escaping the affected areas."

Biff November 1, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Don Knotts gets two bullets during times of emergency, because looters.

fuflans November 1, 2012 at 4:32 pm

they look like they're standing in front of a sinking ship.

(i was not actually intending that to be a metaphor…)

lulzmonger November 1, 2012 at 4:38 pm

"Superstorms are people too, my friend!"

shelwood46 November 1, 2012 at 6:00 pm

You know, as a NJ volunteer firefighter who hasn't been home since Sunday, I don't really appreciate being compared to Barney Fife.

ttommyunger November 1, 2012 at 7:21 pm

Oh, Mittens, you so crazzzzy!

Chow Yun Flat November 1, 2012 at 10:19 pm

Mitten's plan for FEMA made sense until he got to the part about "send disaster relief jobs to low wage countries in Asia and Central America…"

HistoriCat November 1, 2012 at 2:56 pm

Sorry. Good drugs.

Obvs.

Designer_Rants November 1, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Anytime.

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