good morning starshine

Here, Hippies, Is Your Dumb Astrological Election Prediction

How’re your chakras? Are they shimmery and light? They aren’t constipated and sludgy, we hope! How’s your crystals? Helping you channel Ramses or Mothra or whatever? Great! What about your chart? Have you checked your chart lately? Is Mercury in retrograde? Is something else in something else? Has Jupiter aligned with Mars? Who does this dumb astrologer think will win the election?

Well, this dumb astrologer, Paul Saunders, thinks Barack Nobumer will win the election. AS IF. The stupid astrologer doesn’t even get his birthplace right: he claims B. Barry Bamz was born in HONOLULU. Therefore, ignore the many thousands of words about charts and natals and ascendants (we did!), as it is founded on A LIE. (Still better founded than Joe Scarborough’s gut, probably.)

[SolarisAstrology]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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181 comments

    1. OneDollarJuana

      Even though he's running for a non-partisan position, I bet if you pressed you'd find a little (R) after his name.

      1. SorosBot

        It's going to be weird getting used to voting for these bizarre "non-partisan" positions. It doesn't matter how local the position is, we should know a candidate's party to help determine if they deserve our vote!

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          I'm always rock solid all the way down to county-commisioners-level races, but sometimes the judgeships and stuff throw me a bit. Fortunately, some helpful progressive folks put together a concise online progressive voter's guide for each county in my state. Maybe there's one somewhere for yours too?

          1. SorosBot

            That sounds like a lot of work though; just pushing the "all Democrats" button was a hell of a lot easier.

        2. ChapterUndVerse

          In my neck of the woods, the Republicans are all helpfully color-coding their signs red, except for a few trying to pass as independents in green. And they all seem to want "change," but there's no hope for them.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      And dude, if you're going to go all OT on the first comment, you're supposed to do it thusly:

      FIRST!!!!

      1. Lot_49

        Had my moment of glory yesterday when our beloved Wonkette returned to the interwebs. Was first but had the humility not to say so. And am now wiping out that humility by claiming it.

      1. Sue4466

        So, Rich Lowry says in some new Time article that Mittens is a "data driven" candidate and the reason he changes positions is because he's responding to the data.

        Hard for astrology to top that kind of bullshit.

        1. Terry

          Mitt responds to the polls, pivoting with wild abandon and saying whatever it takes to get elected. This is particularly ironic in that one of the GOP's major bitch points over the years is that Dem politicians have been too reliant on the polls to determine their positions.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        You beat me to it!

        [When I see this sign I often ask myself "Just what isn't slippery when wet?"]

  1. Goonemeritus

    Having worked for 4 years in Woodstock NY, I think it falls on me to demand an end to all this Hippie hatred. Can’t we just love each other man?

    1. Lot_49

      Get a haircut!
      Get a job!
      Go to Vietnam!

      It's funny 'cuz all those Prince-Valiant-haired football players are conservatards, there are no jobs, and the Vietnam War ended in a glorious triumph.

      The best jokes are the ones you have to explain, henghngh?

  2. TootsStansbury

    "Is Mercury I'm retrograde?" No but Uranus aligns with the Oort Cloud.Sorry, closest I could get ro a poop joke.

  3. Trannysurprise

    I noticed this morning my dogs poo had some beans and maybe onions in it. That's a B and an O. Like Barack Obama. In his two years he's never been wrong forecasting these elections. That's science people.

    See you at the Obama victory party.

    1. StillGoinGreen

      When I woke up this morning (after a late night vodka bender), I had BO under both of my arms… That is BO TIMES TWO!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!

      OBAMA2012!!!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I had a rather large BM this morning, which I think might be a good sign for the Romney/Ryan ticket.

        I don't know why that should be, exactly, but it just brought them to mind.

        1. StillGoinGreen

          To poo = evacuate
          evacuate = major storm
          major storm = FEMA
          FEMA = Federal Government
          Federal Government = Obama!!!

          OBAMA2012!!!

    2. BTWBFDIMHO

      My evacuations today all reminded me of the Quantitative Easing program of the Fed, a sign that public spending may continue growing for a while. 4MYrs!

    3. ttommyunger

      My wifey's late g'ma used to make me take her Peke out to the back yard when we visited her. She always asked me to "check his doody" and required a detailed report on it at the completion of the outing. One Thanksgiving Day I secreted some peanut butter during a visit and when returning indoors with the dog and receiving the usual query, I displayed an index finger full of PB and inserted it in my mouth, exclaiming after a small pause: "it's a little salty!" She didn't bat an eye, only grumbling: "Damn fool! True story. She was often curt with the "Nigras" at retail establishments and would no doubt be a Romney voter if alive today, so I've got that going for me, which is nice….

  4. Not_So_Much

    My cat gakked up a hairball that looked like Jan Brewer. I think that's every bit as informative as astrology.

  5. Radiotherapy

    I just want this thing to be over so that we can deal with much more important matters…like the 2016 election.
    The Most Important Election In Your Lifetime.™

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        It's just a question of getting there earlier than anyone else. I can't tell you how many times I thought I had come up with some brilliantly original snark only to go back and delete it after I read up the comments and see that I wasn't so original after all. To paraphrase Lennon, there's nothing you can snark that ain't been snarked. Let's be honest, it's kind of a hivemind here. But in a good way.

        1. cheetojeebus

          yeah, sometimes it kinda feels ok when some other wonketeer comes up with the same sick shit. Makes me feel a little less 'special' (in a good way). Thanks Baldar.

      2. DCBloom

        This is why I comment so rarely. By the time I get to a post, read it and then read all the comments, all the good snarks have already been taken.

        But that's ok. Lets me know I'm not the only one thinking all that perverted shit

  6. LibertyLover

    "In the red corner we have the Pisces challenger, the former governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney…."

    I'm really surprised Romney isn't a Gemini, given his twin positions on every issue. OTOH, I am not surprised that Romeny is a wet fish. Although Pisces fish people are usually more personable than robotic…

    Wait, Robots don't have birthdays.

    1. actor212

      Remember that Pisces is symbolized by TWO fish, facing opposite directions, connected by a strand between them.

      It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisces, a symbol that prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisces are fluid and easy-going, in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this sign. The fact that two fish (as opposed to one) represent the members of this sign also speaks to the duality of Pisces, their yin and yang sensibility. Pisces alternate between reality and non-reality in keeping with their introspective natures; their voyage between consciousness and an unconscious dream state says much about their intuitive, almost psychic natures. For this reason, Pisces can be hard to pin down, prompting some to call them the chameleons of the zodiac. The Fish are happy to be considered hazy, since there's a certain sense of safety in that self-proclaimed netherworld.

      emphases added

  7. zumpie

    1) Of course the astrologer dude was gonna pick teh Evil Kenyan Muslin Usurper, I mean you put a video of teh blahs singing and stuff, so that sealed it!

    2) Needz moar "Wedding Bell Blues"

  8. AngryBlakGuy

    …according to to my E-meter, my Thetan level has doubled which means that Cthullu(aka. Sarah Palin) will win this election despit not being on the ballot. I surely hope I am reading this right!

  9. Lazy Media

    This is so dumb. Sam Wang and Nate Silver have both pretty much proven that you need to get the state-by-state astrological predictions; the naitonal ones have a 2 percent bias for Romney.

  10. frrolfe

    i am totally confused. now they say that the tinted candidate is actually south african, born in natal. this adds a new layer of complexity! i want certainty!!

  11. JustPixelz

    Yet another phony prediction from "scientists". Ya know, unlike politicians, scientists will say whatever their liberal donors tell them to.

  12. gullywompr

    Oh hai, haven't you heard? It's hip to be square.

    Romney by 2 percentage points in the general, but loses the Electoral because Ohio.

    Greta Van Susteren told me so last night.

      1. gullywompr

        She also noted that people were saying that Fox seemed preoccupied on the Benghazi thing, and asked her panel if it were true. All thought it was too important a story not to cover, but it wouldn't change the election. Ya THINK?!?!?!

  13. JustPixelz

    Did astrology send Hurricane Sandy so Gov'ner Sammiches would say nice things about "That One"? Because if it wasn't astrology, that means God did it to either a)punish America for have teh gheys, or b) help Obama win. I'm not a religious fella by nature, but if God wants to Obama to win, Sandy was a crappy way to tell us.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    Wow — that astrologer dude's article has a lot of fuckin' verbiage and clearly occupied a great deal of his time. Thus clearly refuting Karl Marx's notion that labor adds value to a product.

  15. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How many completely bullshit things exist because someone decided to put an -ology at the end of the word?

  16. fawkedifiknow

    Here's an asstrological prediction: It is guaranteed that when Nitmitt loses, the entire right wing universe will claim it was because of that damn hurricane showing up and allowing Barry to prove why he's the grooviest Pres evar!!

    1. doloras

      No, they'll act like the Venezuelan Opposition, yell ¡FRAUDO! and try to sabotage everything for the next couple of years. So, no change.

  17. teebob2000

    We saw a live stage production of Hair a few months ago. Got a big awkward sitting next to my 17-year-old step-daughter when all the naked penises suddenly sprang from the darkness. Not literally, but still…

    Also hadn't seen that much pubic hair since "Debbie Does Dallas."

    1. kyeshinka

      Tell your stepdaughter to put on clothes next time. Other people have to use that seat when Annie Get Your Gun comes to town.

  18. calliecallie

    I skimmed that whole article. Please don't berate me for buying it, so much of it made sense. Romney has his moon in scorpio, and you know what that means…

    But what I really want this astrologer to do is give me the skinny on Old Handsome Joe Biden's chart. Yum.

  19. CindynEncinitas

    Here in the vortex where we force children to wear saffron robes and levitate in kindergarten, I can tell you that the tea leaves predict it's the dawning of the Age of Obaminarius, bro. But, sadly, we are probably going to re-elect the fucktard Brian Bilbray, again, because we're that stupid. His commercial showing him walking around in a wetsuit made me want to retch.

  20. fuflans

    normally – as a cynical gen y girl working in the touchy feely arts world and always fighting hippies, patchouli and new age crap – i'd be the first to mock this.

    after the last six months, imma gonna play that song on tuesday night in bloomberg's honor.

  21. ttommyunger

    My dad, an ordained Baptist Preacher all of his adult life, once gave me a book on Astrology for my birthday. I've never figured that one out and also never asked him about it, but I still wonder: what the fuck was up with that?

Comments are closed.