good morning starshine

Here, Hippies, Is Your Dumb Astrological Election Prediction

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

How’re your chakras? Are they shimmery and light? They aren’t constipated and sludgy, we hope! How’s your crystals? Helping you channel Ramses or Mothra or whatever? Great! What about your chart? Have you checked your chart lately? Is Mercury in retrograde? Is something else in something else? Has Jupiter aligned with Mars? Who does this dumb astrologer think will win the election?

Well, this dumb astrologer, Paul Saunders, thinks Barack Nobumer will win the election. AS IF. The stupid astrologer doesn’t even get his birthplace right: he claims B. Barry Bamz was born in HONOLULU. Therefore, ignore the many thousands of words about charts and natals and ascendants (we did!), as it is founded on A LIE. (Still better founded than Joe Scarborough’s gut, probably.)

[SolarisAstrology]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Lot_49

    OT headline of the day

    • OneDollarJuana

      Even though he's running for a non-partisan position, I bet if you pressed you'd find a little (R) after his name.

      • SorosBot

        It's going to be weird getting used to voting for these bizarre "non-partisan" positions. It doesn't matter how local the position is, we should know a candidate's party to help determine if they deserve our vote!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          I'm always rock solid all the way down to county-commisioners-level races, but sometimes the judgeships and stuff throw me a bit. Fortunately, some helpful progressive folks put together a concise online progressive voter's guide for each county in my state. Maybe there's one somewhere for yours too?

          • SorosBot

            That sounds like a lot of work though; just pushing the "all Democrats" button was a hell of a lot easier.

        • ChapterUndVerse

          In my neck of the woods, the Republicans are all helpfully color-coding their signs red, except for a few trying to pass as independents in green. And they all seem to want "change," but there's no hope for them.

      • Tundra Grifter

        Thank you for that!

        The subhead is also funny! "Arisen…"

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Best headline since the mid-1960s "Marines Beat Off Viet Cong".

      • Lot_49

        Or the perhaps-apocryphal headline from the sports page of a south-central Missouri daily:

        Licking Boys, Girls Advance in State Tourney.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      And dude, if you're going to go all OT on the first comment, you're supposed to do it thusly:

      FIRST!!!!

      • Lot_49

        Had my moment of glory yesterday when our beloved Wonkette returned to the interwebs. Was first but had the humility not to say so. And am now wiping out that humility by claiming it.

      • Come here a minute

        Or the mercifully dated, "FRIST!!"

  • Barbara_

    I'm a Virgo, on the cusp of no longer caring all of this hooey.

    • natoslug

      I'm a Taurus, and so fucking happy this bull will be over in less than a week.

    • iamrrm

      I'm a Leo, lion around not givin a shit.

  • LibrarianX

    Peace & love – ok, but no fuckin' patchouli

    • elviouslyqueer

      ESSENTIAL OIL LIBEL!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Patchouli is the jew of liberal perfumism

    • Biff

      Agreed. I hate that shit!

    • Geminisunmars

      It grows on you.

  • Sue4466

    Astrology is as much a science as political punditry, so why not?

    • Terry

      …and more observation based that anything the GOP'ers put forward.

      • Sue4466

        So, Rich Lowry says in some new Time article that Mittens is a "data driven" candidate and the reason he changes positions is because he's responding to the data.

        Hard for astrology to top that kind of bullshit.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          If by "data" he means polls, I'd buy that.

          • Sue4466

            or whoever happens to be Mitt's audience for that minute.

        • Terry

          Mitt responds to the polls, pivoting with wild abandon and saying whatever it takes to get elected. This is particularly ironic in that one of the GOP's major bitch points over the years is that Dem politicians have been too reliant on the polls to determine their positions.

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …who would have thought Uranus is in retrograde would have so many different meanings!

  • memzilla

    These predictions need moar chicken bones and virgin's blood.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Hey, Rebecca. What's your sign?

    • commiegirl99

      Yield.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Great. Your place or mine? That roofie oughtta be kicking in within the hour.

    • OzoneTom

      Slippery when wet?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Men at Work

        • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

          I was guessing "Merge Left."

          • Tundra Grifter

            Or "Slow Merge."

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Soft Shoulders

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Nah, but Dangerous Curves would apply

          • emmelemm

            Good one.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          "Eyes Up Here, Goddamnit"?

      • Tundra Grifter

        You beat me to it!

        [When I see this sign I often ask myself "Just what isn't slippery when wet?"]

        • Geminisunmars

          I always thought "slow children" was kinda sad.

  • bumfug

    Eye of Newt and brain of Ryan, the crystal tells me Mitt is lyin'.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Nancy's astrologer says Ronnie is still alive.

    • Biff

      Because the astrologer's livelihood depends upon Nancy's belief that he is still alive, silly!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Nancy Reagan.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Groovy, man. Far out, also, too.

    • Geminisunmars

      Now that, I understood.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Well clearly Madame Lulu's Paul Saunders' astrology chart ices it. As do a mystical seven over at MoJo.

  • Goonemeritus

    Having worked for 4 years in Woodstock NY, I think it falls on me to demand an end to all this Hippie hatred. Can’t we just love each other man?

    • Lot_49

      Get a haircut!
      Get a job!
      Go to Vietnam!

      It's funny 'cuz all those Prince-Valiant-haired football players are conservatards, there are no jobs, and the Vietnam War ended in a glorious triumph.

      The best jokes are the ones you have to explain, henghngh?

      • nounverb911

        Or Paris?

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          Hilton?

      • Goonemeritus

        You left out that their wives all left them for their Yoga instructor.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          John Redcorn Libel!!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I wear karma contacts in my third eye

    • Radiotherapy

      I wear a Karma® Brand condom on my third eye.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I had a Karma Latte at Dunkin Donuts this morning.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I've got the Eye of Fatima on the wall of my room.

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Hey, anything interesting happen lately?

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Nope, just an ordinary week at the 212 household.

        Seems a little wet, tho

  • sbj1964

    He said to Blave which means to cheat in cards.Liar! liar! he said true love!

    • BadKitty904

      "Whew-hew, look who knows so much?!"

  • BadKitty904

    Now, repeat that in Jambese…

    • eggsacklywright

      Meka-leka-hi
      Meka-hidy-ho

      Glad someone remembers that.

      • gullywompr

        Your wish is granted. Long live Jambi!

      • BadKitty904

        ("Pee-Wee's Christmas Special" has been one of my holiday standards since I was a tyke!)

        • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

          Oh, a "tyke"…. Never mind

          • gullywompr

            Careful with those consonants…

        • http://zvibleindmeis.tumblr.com/ Spurning Beer

          The Del Rubio Triplets are my favorite musical act.

      • CindynEncinitas

        Meka-lecka-hi
        Meka-chonnie-ho!

        Look! Here comes Cowboy Curtis!

  • SorosBot

    I'm a rationalist who realizes that astrology is total bullshit; which is typical for a Pisces.

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …as a Pisces myself, I think Pisces are full of shyt!

    • MosesInvests

      It's bad luck to be superstitious.

  • nounverb911

    Needs more Cowsills.

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And some canned heat to stay warm.

      • Biff

        Hey, I used to hang with those guys in Lagunitas!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Rob Brezhnev's was always my favorite political horrorscope~

    • eggsacklywright

      Did his girlfriend have horrorshow groodies?

  • LibertyLover

    Nancy Reagan disapproved this message.

  • TootsStansbury

    "Is Mercury I'm retrograde?" No but Uranus aligns with the Oort Cloud.Sorry, closest I could get ro a poop joke.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Trying to make an asteroid of yourself?

    • zumpie

      Tell me about Uranus…..I hear it's large and gaseous, is that true?

      • freakishlywrong

        I can speak with some authority here. It's not large…

    • LibertyLover

      You really need to clean up some of those satellites around Uranus.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Those Klingons are tricky bastards

        K'Plop!

    • eggsacklywright

      I hear the Oort Cloud is pretty stinky.

    • TootsStansbury

      Yay! You guys are the bestest!*toot*

  • Trannysurprise

    I noticed this morning my dogs poo had some beans and maybe onions in it. That's a B and an O. Like Barack Obama. In his two years he's never been wrong forecasting these elections. That's science people.

    See you at the Obama victory party.

    • StillGoinGreen

      When I woke up this morning (after a late night vodka bender), I had BO under both of my arms… That is BO TIMES TWO!!! YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP!!!

      OBAMA2012!!!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I had a rather large BM this morning, which I think might be a good sign for the Romney/Ryan ticket.

        I don't know why that should be, exactly, but it just brought them to mind.

        • StillGoinGreen

          To poo = evacuate
          evacuate = major storm
          major storm = FEMA
          FEMA = Federal Government
          Federal Government = Obama!!!

          OBAMA2012!!!

    • BTWBFDIMHO

      My evacuations today all reminded me of the Quantitative Easing program of the Fed, a sign that public spending may continue growing for a while. 4MYrs!

    • ttommyunger

      My wifey's late g'ma used to make me take her Peke out to the back yard when we visited her. She always asked me to "check his doody" and required a detailed report on it at the completion of the outing. One Thanksgiving Day I secreted some peanut butter during a visit and when returning indoors with the dog and receiving the usual query, I displayed an index finger full of PB and inserted it in my mouth, exclaiming after a small pause: "it's a little salty!" She didn't bat an eye, only grumbling: "Damn fool! True story. She was often curt with the "Nigras" at retail establishments and would no doubt be a Romney voter if alive today, so I've got that going for me, which is nice….

  • Not_So_Much

    My cat gakked up a hairball that looked like Jan Brewer. I think that's every bit as informative as astrology.

    • Biff

      Pretty much all hairballs look like Jan Brewer, though!

  • Radiotherapy

    I just want this thing to be over so that we can deal with much more important matters…like the 2016 election.
    The Most Important Election In Your Lifetime.™

  • delaney_blom

    Even the astrologers are letting confirmation bias influence their predicitions?

  • eggsacklywright

    Obama and Rommel are in syzygy. My favorite hangman word.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Better yet, Zizzybaluba!

      [Scream REAL LOUD!]

    • calliecallie

      Or Scrabble.

  • cheetojeebus

    This is not good reading for Nancy.

    • cheetojeebus

      geeze, how original. nice try asshole.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        It's just a question of getting there earlier than anyone else. I can't tell you how many times I thought I had come up with some brilliantly original snark only to go back and delete it after I read up the comments and see that I wasn't so original after all. To paraphrase Lennon, there's nothing you can snark that ain't been snarked. Let's be honest, it's kind of a hivemind here. But in a good way.

        • cheetojeebus

          yeah, sometimes it kinda feels ok when some other wonketeer comes up with the same sick shit. Makes me feel a little less 'special' (in a good way). Thanks Baldar.

      • DCBloom

        This is why I comment so rarely. By the time I get to a post, read it and then read all the comments, all the good snarks have already been taken.

        But that's ok. Lets me know I'm not the only one thinking all that perverted shit

  • LibertyLover

    "In the red corner we have the Pisces challenger, the former governor of Massachusetts, Mitt Romney…."

    I'm really surprised Romney isn't a Gemini, given his twin positions on every issue. OTOH, I am not surprised that Romeny is a wet fish. Although Pisces fish people are usually more personable than robotic…

    Wait, Robots don't have birthdays.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Remember that Pisces is symbolized by TWO fish, facing opposite directions, connected by a strand between them.

      It's a pair of Fish that represents Pisces, a symbol that prompts others to suggest that these people 'go with the flow' and 'don't make waves.' Both of these labels are true, since Pisces are fluid and easy-going, in keeping with the Mutable Quality assigned to this sign. The fact that two fish (as opposed to one) represent the members of this sign also speaks to the duality of Pisces, their yin and yang sensibility. Pisces alternate between reality and non-reality in keeping with their introspective natures; their voyage between consciousness and an unconscious dream state says much about their intuitive, almost psychic natures. For this reason, Pisces can be hard to pin down, prompting some to call them the chameleons of the zodiac. The Fish are happy to be considered hazy, since there's a certain sense of safety in that self-proclaimed netherworld.

      emphases added

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Well, that's about the best evidence I've seen yet that astrology isn't all bullshit.

    • emmelemm

      I'm a Gemini and I resent this comment. (My other personality thinks it's funny.)

  • zumpie

    1) Of course the astrologer dude was gonna pick teh Evil Kenyan Muslin Usurper, I mean you put a video of teh blahs singing and stuff, so that sealed it!

    2) Needz moar "Wedding Bell Blues"

  • mavenmaven

    White Dwarfs for Romney!

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      MUNCHKIN LIBEL!

    • Biff

      Red Giants disapprove.

    • MosesInvests

      Hi-ho!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …according to to my E-meter, my Thetan level has doubled which means that Cthullu(aka. Sarah Palin) will win this election despit not being on the ballot. I surely hope I am reading this right!

  • Radiotherapy

    CHIDAKASHA LIBEL!

  • Lazy Media

    This is so dumb. Sam Wang and Nate Silver have both pretty much proven that you need to get the state-by-state astrological predictions; the naitonal ones have a 2 percent bias for Romney.

  • UnholyMoses

    Not sure about my chakra, but my chi is certainly not centered.

  • frrolfe

    i am totally confused. now they say that the tinted candidate is actually south african, born in natal. this adds a new layer of complexity! i want certainty!!

  • JustPixelz

    Yet another phony prediction from "scientists". Ya know, unlike politicians, scientists will say whatever their liberal donors tell them to.

  • gullywompr

    Oh hai, haven't you heard? It's hip to be square.

    Romney by 2 percentage points in the general, but loses the Electoral because Ohio.

    Greta Van Susteren told me so last night.

    • kyeshinka

      Which side of her face told you? Because the two sides don't appear to work in tandem.

      • gullywompr

        She also noted that people were saying that Fox seemed preoccupied on the Benghazi thing, and asked her panel if it were true. All thought it was too important a story not to cover, but it wouldn't change the election. Ya THINK?!?!?!

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Greta Van Susteren know how to skin Dalmation PUPPIES, about anything else, not so much.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    I can't wait for the swarms of GOPers to come after said astrologist and yell at him for fudging the troof that Mittens will win with 550 bajillion electoral votes.

  • JustPixelz

    Did astrology send Hurricane Sandy so Gov'ner Sammiches would say nice things about "That One"? Because if it wasn't astrology, that means God did it to either a)punish America for have teh gheys, or b) help Obama win. I'm not a religious fella by nature, but if God wants to Obama to win, Sandy was a crappy way to tell us.

    • HistoriCat

      God has trouble remembering the password to his AOL account.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Wow — that astrologer dude's article has a lot of fuckin' verbiage and clearly occupied a great deal of his time. Thus clearly refuting Karl Marx's notion that labor adds value to a product.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      To be fair, having read Das Kapital… astrologer dude isn't exactly alone there.

      • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

        Of course, Marx said SOCIALLY NECESSARY labour adds value, not just any monkey mashing at a typewriter.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I'm a sagitarius and I will shoot your chakra in the ass with my bow and arrow.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Saggs rulez!

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        Centaur party over here!

        Wait, that sounded kinda weird.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Satyrical, even!

    • BadKitty904

      I'm a Capricorn. Get back to work.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        I'm a scorpio. Kiss my poison ass.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I'm a chancre cancer. Go away and leave me alone. And stay off my goddam lawn.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    How many completely bullshit things exist because someone decided to put an -ology at the end of the word?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      BRACKETOLOGY LIBEL!

    • Blueb4sinrise

      Somebody should study that.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Ologyology?

        • bobbert

          WTF-ology?

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      L Ron Hubbard has an answer to that question.

  • zumpie

    Even still, the astrology dude's more accurate than Dick Morris. And the people in Thurston's campaign

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    Talking about Karma, have you seen the new Fisker Karma, built with a $529 million loan guarantee from Obama's Department of Energy? I saw one on the highway, it's awesome, with a big solar panel on the roof. http://onward.fiskerautomotive.com/en-us/karma/ov
    Hope the Fisker Karma runs over the Cadillac Dogma on Tuesday…

    • BadKitty904

      Bamz has his own Department of Energy? What a man!

    • Biff

      I have a dislike of 4-door cars, never liked them, but damn–that is one sexysexy car…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I'm sooo torn between that and the Tesla Model S when I finally win the lottery, which will be soon, I'm sure.

      Maybe a Fisker for me and a Model S for the wife?

      • CindynEncinitas

        If you want sexy, you can't beat my Studebaker Cruiser.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Astrology, meh. I rely on Magic 8-Ball for my prognostications. Or Ouija board.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Please post again later

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Without a doubt

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    As a Crystal Child, I am pretty sure I am uniquely qualified to say that astrology is all complete bullshit.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Marilyin McCoo, yum!! She is dreamy!

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      And the Solid Gold dancers! also yum in addition.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Here's an asstrological prediction: It is guaranteed that when Nitmitt loses, the entire right wing universe will claim it was because of that damn hurricane showing up and allowing Barry to prove why he's the grooviest Pres evar!!

    • kyeshinka

      Or granting women the right to vote. What the hell were they thinking?

      • DCBloom

        Don't forget the wet-backs and Blahs!

    • http://chaosmarxism.blogspot.com doloras

      No, they'll act like the Venezuelan Opposition, yell ¡FRAUDO! and try to sabotage everything for the next couple of years. So, no change.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It would be cool if I got credit for a hurricane, for once.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Wait, are we using American astrology or Kenyan?

  • teebob2000

    We saw a live stage production of Hair a few months ago. Got a big awkward sitting next to my 17-year-old step-daughter when all the naked penises suddenly sprang from the darkness. Not literally, but still…

    Also hadn't seen that much pubic hair since "Debbie Does Dallas."

    • teebob2000

      A BIT awkward, not a BIG awkward… That was awkward…

      • iamrrm

        It made perfect sense to me. I'm going to use the term "awkward" instead of "chubby" from now on.

    • SorosBot

      They've got to be true to the hygiene-deficient time period.

    • kyeshinka

      Tell your stepdaughter to put on clothes next time. Other people have to use that seat when Annie Get Your Gun comes to town.

  • Tundra Grifter

    I'd post a comment, but I need to go get my auras scrubbed.

    Again.

  • BTWBFDIMHO

    After all, it's ok if Romney wins. I can't wait to see the federal budget balanced by 2040.

  • calliecallie

    I skimmed that whole article. Please don't berate me for buying it, so much of it made sense. Romney has his moon in scorpio, and you know what that means…

    But what I really want this astrologer to do is give me the skinny on Old Handsome Joe Biden's chart. Yum.

  • tbogg

    So we both quoted Age of Aquarius on the same day. I guess it was foretold by the stars

  • DahBoner

    An oldie, but a goodie…here's a prediction:

    Stupid people grow up to be racist Conservatives: http://www.livescience.com/18132-intelligence-soc

  • oenspiek

    It's not a prediction till a sacrificial animal's liver has been examined!

  • dr_giraud

    Yes, ask Mothra. Maybe her two little sidekicks will sing the answer.

  • Nostrildamus

    I can't tolerate the Astrology crap, but I like the song.

  • LibertyLover

    Mitt's numerology charts show that he hasn't paid all of his taxes.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    As a Leo I just have to ask, why isn't this post about me?

  • CindynEncinitas

    Here in the vortex where we force children to wear saffron robes and levitate in kindergarten, I can tell you that the tea leaves predict it's the dawning of the Age of Obaminarius, bro. But, sadly, we are probably going to re-elect the fucktard Brian Bilbray, again, because we're that stupid. His commercial showing him walking around in a wetsuit made me want to retch.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    normally – as a cynical gen y girl working in the touchy feely arts world and always fighting hippies, patchouli and new age crap – i'd be the first to mock this.

    after the last six months, imma gonna play that song on tuesday night in bloomberg's honor.

  • ttommyunger

    My dad, an ordained Baptist Preacher all of his adult life, once gave me a book on Astrology for my birthday. I've never figured that one out and also never asked him about it, but I still wonder: what the fuck was up with that?

  • Guppy

    ☌☽♅

    And I don't care what the hippies on LDS say, it's the Age of Pisces, dammit!