Sad Pundits: Why Won't Insiders Tell Us Who Will Win The Election?

 
 THIS ELECTION, YOU GUYS! It is ... confusing? Like, some people say that Barack Obama will win re-election, while others say that his opponent, Mitt Romney, will prevail! WHO ARE WE TO TRUST? Normally, of course, we'd turn to the literally of hundreds of people who are employed full-time by various old- and new-media outlets to report on and offer opinions about politics, because they know things. But as a survey of these sages in the Politico reveals, they're completely at sea as well! You must click the "MORE" clicky in order to read the single greatest quote in a Politico article of all time, which reveals the utter bankruptcy of the pundit class. Then you can spend the next six days doing something productive and rewarding with your life!

Here it is, ABC News's highly compensated reporter Jon Karl, offering an extremely clear explanation of why his job should not exist :

I think more than any other race I've covered this is one where both sides genuinely seem to believe they're going to win. That's different ... Given that, it's hard for somebody covering the race to make a call. I'm completely confused. I have no idea who's going to win. And I usually have a sense of who's going to win.

Oh no, reporters aren't getting "inside scoops" from triumphalist and/or fatalist campaign staffers. There's literally no other way to tell! Like if only there were people ... surveying Americans on how they plan to vote? And those surveys could be aggregated and analyzed, somehow? In totally unrelated news, this Politico article was brought to our attention by your math and numbers boyfriend Nate Silver, whose Twitter feed is growing increasingly catty:

Anyway, allow us here at Wonkette to tell you that we have zero "insider information" but we are reasonably sure Barry will win anyway. Now, go, shoo, read a novel or watch a movie or something and then read a newspaper next Wednesday to find out who won! (Just kidding, refresh Wonkette dot com constantly for election updates, THE OUTCOME OF THE ELECTION DEPENDS ENTIRELY ON YOU PAYING ATTENTION TO EVERY DETAIL AT ALL TIMES.) [ Politico ]