AND THEN HE EATED THEM  12:30 pm October 31, 2012

Nanny State RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Cancels Children’s Holiday, Inpeach!

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

nom nom nomWe told you yesterday about the (currently unlinkable!) terrible, horrible things RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said about His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney. (Namely, he told him to eat a dick, and had “no interest” in hosting him for a natural disaster photo op. Then he ate the dick of Barack Nobummer a bunch for not being terrible at hurricanes.) But what horrible thing has he done now? He has canceled Christmas Halloween! Just because of a little bilgewater/mass destruction! Instead, the poor children of New Jersey will be putting on their scary Barack Obama masks a week later, on November 5 or something — yes, Electione’en! Why does Chris Christie hate the sound of children’s laughter and joy? 

Just like a typical Nanny Stater, with their insistence on keeping children “safe” and “alive” and “not falling on downed electrical wires and burning to a terrifying crisp.” 

You know who else tried to control the calendar? The Mayans. And just look what happened to them!

[NBC]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 93 comments }

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Oh my god. You are back!

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Could you tell, from my Facebook comments, that I really really missed you?

I just can't get through my workday without my Wonkette. I may not always comment, but I always lurk.

Isn't that what people like? Silent Lurkers watching their every move?

boskolives October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Circle Lurkers will get a happy ending, most of the time…

HistoriCat October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I felt quite proud of myself for not whining constantly on Twitter about Wonkette being down.

We have all suffered this day.

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Truly. Today, we are all North-East Librul Elites.

Don't forget, for a while!

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Well, since there are thousands of "Likes" for Wonkette on FB, and there are only a hundred or so people that comment regularly, I'd have to guess that most folks do just that, lurk I mean. Are we non-lurkers then the 1%ers of Wonkette?

Tommmcatt_Again October 31, 2012 at 4:07 pm

We are? Where are my testicle washers and poo-hole scrubbers, then? Aren't those the innate prerogative of jerb creators like ourselves?

emmelemm October 31, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Your little avatar is very lurky. (And adorable.)

PubOption October 31, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That was a bit of a problem. I had to find some work to do, to fill in the time.

HistoriCat October 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The horror. The horror.

BadKitty904 October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Truly. I was *almost* productive…

Gleem McShineys October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Same here. It has been a terrifying Halloween so far!

vulpes82 October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

BOO!

vulpes82 October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Welcome to Obama's America!

PugglesRule October 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I was in Wonkette Withdrawal while we had to suffer through comment-less Tumblr.

StillGoinGreen October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

I think SOMEBODY overslept this morning and forgot to set the autowonk!

Beowoof October 31, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Damn it was worse than the weekend where you have so many fewer things mock. I actually went to Huffpo, but most of my comments are moderated away there.

OzoneTom October 31, 2012 at 3:44 pm

He's going to do a relief drive. You can drop off all of that candy at Drumthwacket.

Blueb4sinrise October 31, 2012 at 3:44 pm

SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

You mean second second, right? Or what we science people call third?

Blueb4sinrise October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

Robert's Rules of Order, second.

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

How's that "second" working out for ya?

Blueb4sinrise October 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I like your attitude.

Nostrildamus October 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Heck've a job, Bluey!

Blueb4sinrise October 31, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Everyone else commented too soon!!!!!!!!

EatsBabyDingos October 31, 2012 at 3:44 pm

No Jesusween. I bet ol' Butterball didn't get his blue whale costume done in time.

Lot_49 October 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Jeebus Hussein Christ, slow down the posting! Some of my best work is lost to posterity.

HistoriCat October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Everyone will have to loop through the comments twice – one time to be grateful Wonkette is back and once to read and respond to witty comments.

SorosBot October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I know; I'm trying to make a comment to all of them but who knows if any of them will be read?

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm

If you comment in the woods, and nobody is around to read it, is it still snarky and witty?

Lot_49 October 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

And people think we're goofing off…

BadKitty904 October 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Dang, some guys will do ANYthing to get dibs on the bestest candy…

boskolives October 31, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The American Dental Association announces that they are taking bids to rub out Chris Christie, and they're paying by the pound, in 5…4….3…

Negropolis November 1, 2012 at 2:38 am

hehe hehe you said "rub out Chris Christie" hehe hehe

boskolives November 1, 2012 at 8:50 am

I originally was going to say "rub one out thinking about Chris Christie" but when I tried I threw up in my mouth.

mrpuma2u October 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Fun size snickers LIBELZ!!!! How about this Chris Christie fellow! Now I will most likely hate him again in 2 months or less, but he really actually gives a crap about his constituents. He might get kicked out of the repugnantcan party if he keeps this up.

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2012 at 5:24 pm

80% of the GOP hates him because he may have once spoken in less-than-glowing terms about guns.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 31, 2012 at 8:15 pm

"repugnantcan"

Don't get me wrong. I like it. Just, um, what?

Botlrokit October 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Finally, Governor Christie and I agree on something.

PugglesRule October 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

It's a mirabel!

memzilla October 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm

You'd think a man of Christie's size would understand the importance of a holiday that involves candy.

Oblios_Cap October 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Why does Chris Christie hate the sound of children’s laughter and joy?

He prefers to hear the crunching of their little bones as he devours them.

Actually, Gov. Sammich has been acting like a decent Human Bean this week. There's something about those sweet Federal $$$ that just brings out the best in most people.

SorosBot October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

He was pissed after finding that Jersey's second biggest costume this year (after Snookie of course) was Jabba the Hutt.

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I heard Jabba fell off the diet wagon, and is now Jabba the Village…

MosesInvests October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Yay! You're back!

Tequila Mockingbird October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

You know, after his multiple-orgasm love-ins with Obama yesterday, I just can't hate Governor FatAss anymore. Or for at least six more days.

Jukesgrrl October 31, 2012 at 7:43 pm

Wait 'til next year and he starts his "Noun, Verb, Hurricane Sandy" re-election routine. I suspect I'll be feeling the same way about him I feel about Rudy.

MegPasadena October 31, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Yes you can!

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I'm really glad this isn't happening down here in Texas. All the boiled okra I cooked up and bagged to give the cute little tykes tonight would probably go bad by next week.

Lot_49 October 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

What? No eggplant?

PugglesRule October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I used to offer kids a choice between candy and a can of lima beans. For some reason, they always took the candy. Maybe I should have offered okra?

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 4:03 pm

True story, I live way out in the back of beyond and for years never had any trick-or-treaters. Then one year a family moved in down the street, and that year their kids came around while I watching a ball game or something. I had to give them the nearest thing I had to candy, some Hall's Mentho-lyptus. I think they took those kids into town to the more densely packed neighborhoods the next year.

Jukesgrrl October 31, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I ran out early last year and I scoured granola bars from my pantry. My brother was visiting and he declared that grounds for arrest. Too bad I didn't know about your Halls caper, I would have said, "At least I'm not handing out cough drops."

vulpes82 October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

You came back to me!

Shypixel October 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

No. she came back to me.

PugglesRule October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

No, she came back to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Nostrildamus October 31, 2012 at 4:03 pm

I came on both of your backs.

Oblios_Cap October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Inpeach? Sounds like a Georgia kinda thing.

ManchuCandidate October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

All Xtian Fundie Nutbags and dieticians should be cheering in the streets that Gubbiner Sammiches cancelled Halloween.

To be fair, I'd think that the fundies would be shrieking more about Diabeetus 2 being the devil's curse than kids walking around with plastic pumpkins and women dressing all slutty.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Jesus Christ it's about time. I actually had to work and stuff this morning!

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Yeah, I actually got some shit done that I've been procrastinating over for a couple weeks.

Oblios_Cap October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I just got from Mexico Beach. I didn't want to do sh*t, but didn't have a choice. Thanks, Wonkette!

CrunchyKnee October 31, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Here is the much "anticipated" Christie "you kids get in mah belly" post.

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Jeez Louise, now 3 posts in 20 minutes. My snark runneth over!!

Mumbletypeg October 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm

YOu are doing great.

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 4:01 pm

I've been holding it all day.

Schmannnity October 31, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Chis Christie should ask Charlie Crist how posing with Obama improves your electability.

CommieDad October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

I say they should have distributed rubber boots and told the kids to just wade through the water and step over the downed power lines.

Christie's listening to his new libturd friends and using big gov'mt to suppress the rights of the good people of new jarsey.

Close_Read October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

You are back <exhales…>

vulpes82 October 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Shoop… shoop… shoop… shoobie doop…

Nostrildamus October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

So Wonkette's a zombie this Halloween. Cute.

Mumbletypeg October 31, 2012 at 3:56 pm

These Halloween-deprived kids are the same generation that'll figure how to get everyone's computers to dispense candy using trick-or-treat online transaction "apps."
At that point no one need every go out into the dark and humiliate oneself ever again.

Wadisay October 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

In Jersey, every day is Halloween.

GunToting[Redacted] October 31, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Ministry libel!

coolhandnuke October 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm

The Great Pumpkin has spoken kids…some bitch named Sandy tinkled on your Halloween.

Gleem McShineys October 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I think he cancelled Halloween because somehow, all the stores ran out of candy right around the time he was out checking on all the damage.

iamrrm October 31, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Ha! I still didn't do shit today! So there.

VodkaGoGo October 31, 2012 at 4:00 pm

You know who else canceled Halloween (that one year I got cought shoplifting)?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 31, 2012 at 8:21 pm

The Great Pumpkin?

Crank_Tango October 31, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Where WERE you? Slutting it up with Gizmodo again?

Tommmcatt_Again October 31, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Christie just needs more time for his ass to catch up, 'cuz he's so fat it 's still stuck on last Thursday.

(The fat joke is also a modern classic)

Tommmcatt_Again October 31, 2012 at 4:04 pm

ALSO, did someone forget to pay the hamster man? This swizzle is wack, yo.

TootsStansbury October 31, 2012 at 4:08 pm

He is just allowing time for the Romney truck to arrive. What's trick or treat without all those deelish cans of creamed corn right?

Oh and wonkette plz not to go away again, I went to WAPO talk about scary!

Beowoof October 31, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Now he can keep all the candy he bought for himself. Win for him. Kids are just moochers anyway.

Nostrildamus October 31, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Thus spoke The Great Pumpkin!

Gurkman October 31, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Is there anywhere in Jersey where it was safe enough in the first place to let your kids trick or treat?

Jukesgrrl October 31, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Obviously you haven't been to Jersey lately.

Negropolis November 1, 2012 at 2:41 am

Probably somehwere around Princeton, but that's about it.

LibertyLover October 31, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I guess all of that community organizing that Bamz did in Chicago came in handy. Huh.

rocktonsam October 31, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Tomorrow is Blovember you guys

MilwaukeeKent October 31, 2012 at 11:45 pm

Man I missed Wonkette today, even though I can't comment while at work, I can at least view it on breaks– most days. I have to say Christie stands as the better man among so many GOP dwarves. He done rose to the occasion. Romney camp must be flummoxed.

ttommyunger November 1, 2012 at 8:20 pm

"… he ate the dick of Barack Nobummer…" I know some certain Wonketeers who are SOOOO jealous right now. Not mentioning any names; you know who you are ;)

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