and then he eated them

Nanny State RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Cancels Children’s Holiday, Inpeach!

nom nom nomWe told you yesterday about the (currently unlinkable!) terrible, horrible things RINO New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said about His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney. (Namely, he told him to eat a dick, and had “no interest” in hosting him for a natural disaster photo op. Then he ate the dick of Barack Nobummer a bunch for not being terrible at hurricanes.) But what horrible thing has he done now? He has canceled Christmas Halloween! Just because of a little bilgewater/mass destruction! Instead, the poor children of New Jersey will be putting on their scary Barack Obama masks a week later, on November 5 or something — yes, Electione’en! Why does Chris Christie hate the sound of children’s laughter and joy? 

Just like a typical Nanny Stater, with their insistence on keeping children “safe” and “alive” and “not falling on downed electrical wires and burning to a terrifying crisp.” 

You know who else tried to control the calendar? The Mayans. And just look what happened to them!

[NBC]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Shypixel

    Oh my god. You are back!

    • Shypixel

      Could you tell, from my Facebook comments, that I really really missed you?

      I just can't get through my workday without my Wonkette. I may not always comment, but I always lurk.

      Isn't that what people like? Silent Lurkers watching their every move?

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        Circle Lurkers will get a happy ending, most of the time…

      • HistoriCat

        I felt quite proud of myself for not whining constantly on Twitter about Wonkette being down.

        We have all suffered this day.

        • Shypixel

          Truly. Today, we are all North-East Librul Elites.

          Don't forget, for a while!

      • BaldarTFlagass

        Well, since there are thousands of "Likes" for Wonkette on FB, and there are only a hundred or so people that comment regularly, I'd have to guess that most folks do just that, lurk I mean. Are we non-lurkers then the 1%ers of Wonkette?

        • Tommmcatt_Again

          We are? Where are my testicle washers and poo-hole scrubbers, then? Aren't those the innate prerogative of jerb creators like ourselves?

      • emmelemm

        Your little avatar is very lurky. (And adorable.)

    • PubOption

      That was a bit of a problem. I had to find some work to do, to fill in the time.

      • HistoriCat

        The horror. The horror.

      • BadKitty904

        Truly. I was *almost* productive…

      • Gleem McShineys

        Same here. It has been a terrifying Halloween so far!

        • vulpes82

          BOO!

      • vulpes82

        Welcome to Obama's America!

    • PugglesRule

      I was in Wonkette Withdrawal while we had to suffer through comment-less Tumblr.

    • StillGoinGreen

      I think SOMEBODY overslept this morning and forgot to set the autowonk!

    • Beowoof

      Damn it was worse than the weekend where you have so many fewer things mock. I actually went to Huffpo, but most of my comments are moderated away there.

  • OzoneTom

    He's going to do a relief drive. You can drop off all of that candy at Drumthwacket.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    SECOND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Shypixel

      You mean second second, right? Or what we science people call third?

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Robert's Rules of Order, second.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      How's that "second" working out for ya?

      • Blueb4sinrise

        FINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I like your attitude.

    • Nostrildamus

      Heck've a job, Bluey!

      • Blueb4sinrise

        Everyone else commented too soon!!!!!!!!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    No Jesusween. I bet ol' Butterball didn't get his blue whale costume done in time.

  • Lot_49

    Jeebus Hussein Christ, slow down the posting! Some of my best work is lost to posterity.

    • HistoriCat

      Everyone will have to loop through the comments twice – one time to be grateful Wonkette is back and once to read and respond to witty comments.

    • SorosBot

      I know; I'm trying to make a comment to all of them but who knows if any of them will be read?

      • Shypixel

        If you comment in the woods, and nobody is around to read it, is it still snarky and witty?

      • Lot_49

        And people think we're goofing off…

  • BadKitty904

    Dang, some guys will do ANYthing to get dibs on the bestest candy…

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    The American Dental Association announces that they are taking bids to rub out Chris Christie, and they're paying by the pound, in 5…4….3…

    • Negropolis

      hehe hehe you said "rub out Chris Christie" hehe hehe

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        I originally was going to say "rub one out thinking about Chris Christie" but when I tried I threw up in my mouth.

  • mrpuma2u

    Fun size snickers LIBELZ!!!! How about this Chris Christie fellow! Now I will most likely hate him again in 2 months or less, but he really actually gives a crap about his constituents. He might get kicked out of the repugnantcan party if he keeps this up.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      80% of the GOP hates him because he may have once spoken in less-than-glowing terms about guns.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      "repugnantcan"

      Don't get me wrong. I like it. Just, um, what?

  • Botlrokit

    Finally, Governor Christie and I agree on something.

    • PugglesRule

      It's a mirabel!

  • memzilla

    You'd think a man of Christie's size would understand the importance of a holiday that involves candy.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Why does Chris Christie hate the sound of children’s laughter and joy?

    He prefers to hear the crunching of their little bones as he devours them.

    Actually, Gov. Sammich has been acting like a decent Human Bean this week. There's something about those sweet Federal $$$ that just brings out the best in most people.

  • SorosBot

    He was pissed after finding that Jersey's second biggest costume this year (after Snookie of course) was Jabba the Hutt.

    • Shypixel

      I heard Jabba fell off the diet wagon, and is now Jabba the Village…

  • MosesInvests

    Yay! You're back!

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    You know, after his multiple-orgasm love-ins with Obama yesterday, I just can't hate Governor FatAss anymore. Or for at least six more days.

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Wait 'til next year and he starts his "Noun, Verb, Hurricane Sandy" re-election routine. I suspect I'll be feeling the same way about him I feel about Rudy.

    • MegPasadena

      Yes you can!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I'm really glad this isn't happening down here in Texas. All the boiled okra I cooked up and bagged to give the cute little tykes tonight would probably go bad by next week.

    • Lot_49

      What? No eggplant?

    • PugglesRule

      I used to offer kids a choice between candy and a can of lima beans. For some reason, they always took the candy. Maybe I should have offered okra?

      • BaldarTFlagass

        True story, I live way out in the back of beyond and for years never had any trick-or-treaters. Then one year a family moved in down the street, and that year their kids came around while I watching a ball game or something. I had to give them the nearest thing I had to candy, some Hall's Mentho-lyptus. I think they took those kids into town to the more densely packed neighborhoods the next year.

        • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

          I ran out early last year and I scoured granola bars from my pantry. My brother was visiting and he declared that grounds for arrest. Too bad I didn't know about your Halls caper, I would have said, "At least I'm not handing out cough drops."

  • vulpes82

    You came back to me!

    • Shypixel

      No. she came back to me.

      • PugglesRule

        No, she came back to MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

      • Nostrildamus

        I came on both of your backs.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Inpeach? Sounds like a Georgia kinda thing.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    All Xtian Fundie Nutbags and dieticians should be cheering in the streets that Gubbiner Sammiches cancelled Halloween.

    To be fair, I'd think that the fundies would be shrieking more about Diabeetus 2 being the devil's curse than kids walking around with plastic pumpkins and women dressing all slutty.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Jesus Christ it's about time. I actually had to work and stuff this morning!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, I actually got some shit done that I've been procrastinating over for a couple weeks.

      • Oblios_Cap

        I just got from Mexico Beach. I didn't want to do sh*t, but didn't have a choice. Thanks, Wonkette!

  • CrunchyKnee

    Here is the much "anticipated" Christie "you kids get in mah belly" post.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Jeez Louise, now 3 posts in 20 minutes. My snark runneth over!!

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      YOu are doing great.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I've been holding it all day.

  • Schmannnity

    Chis Christie should ask Charlie Crist how posing with Obama improves your electability.

  • CommieDad

    I say they should have distributed rubber boots and told the kids to just wade through the water and step over the downed power lines.

    Christie's listening to his new libturd friends and using big gov'mt to suppress the rights of the good people of new jarsey.

  • Close_Read

    You are back <exhales…>

    • vulpes82

      Shoop… shoop… shoop… shoobie doop…

  • Nostrildamus

    So Wonkette's a zombie this Halloween. Cute.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    These Halloween-deprived kids are the same generation that'll figure how to get everyone's computers to dispense candy using trick-or-treat online transaction "apps."
    At that point no one need every go out into the dark and humiliate oneself ever again.

  • Wadisay

    In Jersey, every day is Halloween.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Ministry libel!

  • coolhandnuke

    The Great Pumpkin has spoken kids…some bitch named Sandy tinkled on your Halloween.

  • Gleem McShineys

    I think he cancelled Halloween because somehow, all the stores ran out of candy right around the time he was out checking on all the damage.

  • iamrrm

    Ha! I still didn't do shit today! So there.

  • VodkaGoGo

    You know who else canceled Halloween (that one year I got cought shoplifting)?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      The Great Pumpkin?

  • Crank_Tango

    Where WERE you? Slutting it up with Gizmodo again?

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    Christie just needs more time for his ass to catch up, 'cuz he's so fat it 's still stuck on last Thursday.

    (The fat joke is also a modern classic)

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    ALSO, did someone forget to pay the hamster man? This swizzle is wack, yo.

  • TootsStansbury

    He is just allowing time for the Romney truck to arrive. What's trick or treat without all those deelish cans of creamed corn right?

    Oh and wonkette plz not to go away again, I went to WAPO talk about scary!

  • Beowoof

    Now he can keep all the candy he bought for himself. Win for him. Kids are just moochers anyway.

  • Nostrildamus

    Thus spoke The Great Pumpkin!

  • Gurkman

    Is there anywhere in Jersey where it was safe enough in the first place to let your kids trick or treat?

    • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

      Obviously you haven't been to Jersey lately.

    • Negropolis

      Probably somehwere around Princeton, but that's about it.

  • LibertyLover

    I guess all of that community organizing that Bamz did in Chicago came in handy. Huh.

  • rocktonsam

    Tomorrow is Blovember you guys

  • http://my.execpc.com/~artkm/rabbit_hole.html MilwaukeeKent

    Man I missed Wonkette today, even though I can't comment while at work, I can at least view it on breaks– most days. I have to say Christie stands as the better man among so many GOP dwarves. He done rose to the occasion. Romney camp must be flummoxed.

  • ttommyunger

    "… he ate the dick of Barack Nobummer…" I know some certain Wonketeers who are SOOOO jealous right now. Not mentioning any names; you know who you are ;)