taylor kitsch fan-fic

Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney “Stench”). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show!

“We’re a people also with clear eyes.  We understand the significance of the events around us.  The fact that you’re here today – I mean there are a lot of other things that you could be doing – but you’re interested.  You want to see what’s happening and understand who I am and what I might do if I’m president,” he said.

“And I recall a line in a fictional football team show,” he added. “It was called ‘Friday Night Lights,’ you probably didn’t see it.  But – you did, alright. She saw it! They had this fictional football team and every time they’d leave the locker room, and they typically were facing long odds, there was a sign up there, it said ‘Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.’ And I’m convinced the people of Iowa have very clear eyes about what’s at stake in this election.  And I know you have full hearts.  And I’m convinced America can’t lose when you help me become the next president of the United States. Thank you guys – you are the best.”

Oh, did we probably not see it, Miffed Romney? NO, YOU PROBABLY DID NOT SEE IT. Or you would not be trying to lay claim to Tami Taylor helping all her students bortion their babies! And teens doing sex on each other’s nubile bodies! And … oh lawd almighty Taylor Kitsch. 

Oh, also you probably did not see it or you would not think they “typically were facing long odds.” THEY WON STATE LIKE ALL THE TIME ALMOST. IDIOT!

Anyway, your horrendous robot speech recalls for us the time John Kerry tried to explain a joke. Let us revisit the horror with each other to hold onto.

(Sit through the ad, then forward to about 3:35.)

Same factory, probably.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  • nounverb911

    Romney just loves the tackling and head shaving part of football.

  • One_who_wanders

    It's ALIVE!?!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I prefer Visine over Clear Eyes.

  • OzoneTom

    Our Editrix sure writes fast.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Happy Halloween, I see Wonkette is in costume as the internet circa 1983.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      I'm using 'Netscape, how do I get to that page?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “And I recall a lie in a fictional political ad I made,” he added. “It was called ‘Jeep moving to China,’ you probably didn’t see it. But – you did, alright. She saw it!"

    We all saw what you did there, Mitt.

  • SmutBoffin

    The intertubes are unclogged!
    No DETH PANELZ for Wonkett!
    Magic computer make funny people come back!

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Up next for Mitt: Finger painting with diapers.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Borrowing from UPS, "see what brown can do for you" when you have a limited palette.

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    I was sure that Sandy had wiped Wonkette off the tubes. It's baaaaaaack.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Sounds like he was describing The Bad News Bears or Major League, not Friday Night Lights.

  • MiniMencken

    Well, at least he didn't start telling people about his friends who own NFL franchise teams…

  • NorthStarSpanx

    "You might be shaking hands with the President. . .maybe not, but nice to meet you." – Mitt Romney, fictional POTUS. Maybe you've heard of him over the last seven year? Or maybe you probably didn't see it.

  • BadKitty904

    I wonder if it was explained to him that football teams do not play on horseback and that football games are not divided into chukkas…

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      They do have a lot of huge Mothafukkas, but I digress

  • HempDogbane

    It was called "Dr. Who".

    • Oblios_Cap

      MittBot is a Cyberman!

  • VodkaGoGo


  • SmutBoffin

    So this Friday's Nightlight show features both unwatchable sports and incompetent teenager sex?

    No wonder Romney likes it.

  • CindynEncinitas

    He doesn't "watch tv." He makes tv. And his friends own tv airwaves.

  • Mittaplasia

    Mittens is just into the really tight uniforms and all the ass-patting.

  • BarackMyWorld

    Mitt's trying to secure the hipster vote by claiming to like things he thinks other people haven't heard of.

  • SorosBot

    Come on Mitt, we know you really gets your ideas from the fictional TV shows "Battlestar Gallactica" and "Small Wonder".

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    It's 4th down and goal to go with the ball on the 50 light year line, and Mittstake drops the ball! Crowd surges the field, Mittstake flees to France for safety from the billionaires who now see that their investment has turned to poop.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Willard speaks out of both sides of his mouth more often than Zaphod Beeblebox.

  • SmutBoffin

    Did you carbon-based beings perchance witness the most recent televisual performance of Downtown Abbie? Sometimes I wonder why the Manor Overlord doesn't put his disloyal servants to DEATH, impregnate the nearest fertile female, and then rule his surviving subjects with an iron fist.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    lol football!

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    didn't the show's writer, director and lead actress tell mitt to shut the fuck up about this?

    or am i just on too many gossip sites?

  • Slim_Pickins

    At least he didn't praise the Golden Gophers and Badgers to the Iowans. Did he?

  • Slim_Pickins

    Judging by the fall-off in comments, hardly anyone slogged their way this far south, today.

  • ttommyunger

    What about Murphy Brown? Get with it, Mitt.

  • Dona Clotilde CNT HD

    Hello Tv Foco

  • Sr. Madruga

    Obama pra presidente denovo

    • Dona Clotilde CNT HD

      Isso mesmo Madruguinha

  • Dona Clotilde CNT HD

    Pena que a maioria dos brasileiros ta bloqueado aqui

  • Dona Clotilde CNT HD

    AI como eu to banida do site argentino