TAYLOR KITSCH FAN-FIC  10:31 am October 31, 2012

Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney “Stench”). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show!

“We’re a people also with clear eyes.  We understand the significance of the events around us.  The fact that you’re here today – I mean there are a lot of other things that you could be doing – but you’re interested.  You want to see what’s happening and understand who I am and what I might do if I’m president,” he said.

“And I recall a line in a fictional football team show,” he added. “It was called ‘Friday Night Lights,’ you probably didn’t see it.  But – you did, alright. She saw it! They had this fictional football team and every time they’d leave the locker room, and they typically were facing long odds, there was a sign up there, it said ‘Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.’ And I’m convinced the people of Iowa have very clear eyes about what’s at stake in this election.  And I know you have full hearts.  And I’m convinced America can’t lose when you help me become the next president of the United States. Thank you guys – you are the best.”

Oh, did we probably not see it, Miffed Romney? NO, YOU PROBABLY DID NOT SEE IT. Or you would not be trying to lay claim to Tami Taylor helping all her students bortion their babies! And teens doing sex on each other’s nubile bodies! And … oh lawd almighty Taylor Kitsch. 

Oh, also you probably did not see it or you would not think they “typically were facing long odds.” THEY WON STATE LIKE ALL THE TIME ALMOST. IDIOT!

Anyway, your horrendous robot speech recalls for us the time John Kerry tried to explain a joke. Let us revisit the horror with each other to hold onto.

(Sit through the ad, then forward to about 3:35.)

Same factory, probably.

 
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{ 38 comments }

nounverb911 October 31, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Romney just loves the tackling and head shaving part of football.

One_who_wanders October 31, 2012 at 3:37 pm

It's ALIVE!?!

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I prefer Visine over Clear Eyes.

OzoneTom October 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

Our Editrix sure writes fast.

iburl October 31, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Happy Halloween, I see Wonkette is in costume as the internet circa 1983.

boskolives October 31, 2012 at 3:59 pm

I'm using 'Netscape, how do I get to that page?

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:40 pm

“And I recall a lie in a fictional political ad I made,” he added. “It was called ‘Jeep moving to China,’ you probably didn’t see it. But – you did, alright. She saw it!"

We all saw what you did there, Mitt.

SmutBoffin October 31, 2012 at 3:40 pm

The intertubes are unclogged!
No DETH PANELZ for Wonkett!
Magic computer make funny people come back!

EatsBabyDingos October 31, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Up next for Mitt: Finger painting with diapers.

boskolives October 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Borrowing from UPS, "see what brown can do for you" when you have a limited palette.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 31, 2012 at 3:42 pm

I was sure that Sandy had wiped Wonkette off the tubes. It's baaaaaaack.
Boo!

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Sounds like he was describing The Bad News Bears or Major League, not Friday Night Lights.

MiniMencken October 31, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Well, at least he didn't start telling people about his friends who own NFL franchise teams…

NorthStarSpanx October 31, 2012 at 3:45 pm

"You might be shaking hands with the President. . .maybe not, but nice to meet you." – Mitt Romney, fictional POTUS. Maybe you've heard of him over the last seven year? Or maybe you probably didn't see it.

BadKitty904 October 31, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I wonder if it was explained to him that football teams do not play on horseback and that football games are not divided into chukkas…

boskolives October 31, 2012 at 3:57 pm

They do have a lot of huge Mothafukkas, but I digress

HempDogbane October 31, 2012 at 3:45 pm

It was called "Dr. Who".

Oblios_Cap October 31, 2012 at 3:58 pm

MittBot is a Cyberman!

VodkaGoGo October 31, 2012 at 3:46 pm

My…precious?

SmutBoffin October 31, 2012 at 3:48 pm

So this Friday's Nightlight show features both unwatchable sports and incompetent teenager sex?

No wonder Romney likes it.

CindynEncinitas October 31, 2012 at 3:49 pm

He doesn't "watch tv." He makes tv. And his friends own tv airwaves.

Mittaplasia October 31, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Mittens is just into the really tight uniforms and all the ass-patting.

BarackMyWorld October 31, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Mitt's trying to secure the hipster vote by claiming to like things he thinks other people haven't heard of.

SorosBot October 31, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Come on Mitt, we know you really gets your ideas from the fictional TV shows "Battlestar Gallactica" and "Small Wonder".

boskolives October 31, 2012 at 3:55 pm

It's 4th down and goal to go with the ball on the 50 light year line, and Mittstake drops the ball! Crowd surges the field, Mittstake flees to France for safety from the billionaires who now see that their investment has turned to poop.

Oblios_Cap October 31, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Willard speaks out of both sides of his mouth more often than Zaphod Beeblebox.

SmutBoffin October 31, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Did you carbon-based beings perchance witness the most recent televisual performance of Downtown Abbie? Sometimes I wonder why the Manor Overlord doesn't put his disloyal servants to DEATH, impregnate the nearest fertile female, and then rule his surviving subjects with an iron fist.

DerrickWildcat October 31, 2012 at 5:56 pm

lol football!

fuflans October 31, 2012 at 7:08 pm

didn't the show's writer, director and lead actress tell mitt to shut the fuck up about this?

or am i just on too many gossip sites?

fuflans October 31, 2012 at 7:11 pm

yes here is the huffpo round up:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/28/clear-ey

Slim_Pickins October 31, 2012 at 7:30 pm

At least he didn't praise the Golden Gophers and Badgers to the Iowans. Did he?

Slim_Pickins October 31, 2012 at 9:23 pm

Judging by the fall-off in comments, hardly anyone slogged their way this far south, today.

ttommyunger November 1, 2012 at 8:31 pm

What about Murphy Brown? Get with it, Mitt.

Dona Clotilde CNT HD November 3, 2012 at 11:43 pm

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Sr. Madruga November 3, 2012 at 11:46 pm

Obama pra presidente denovo

Dona Clotilde CNT HD November 3, 2012 at 11:48 pm

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Dona Clotilde CNT HD November 3, 2012 at 11:49 pm

Pena que a maioria dos brasileiros ta bloqueado aqui

Dona Clotilde CNT HD November 3, 2012 at 11:51 pm

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