taylor kitsch fan-fic

Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney “Stench”). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show!

“We’re a people also with clear eyes.  We understand the significance of the events around us.  The fact that you’re here today – I mean there are a lot of other things that you could be doing – but you’re interested.  You want to see what’s happening and understand who I am and what I might do if I’m president,” he said.

“And I recall a line in a fictional football team show,” he added. “It was called ‘Friday Night Lights,’ you probably didn’t see it.  But – you did, alright. She saw it! They had this fictional football team and every time they’d leave the locker room, and they typically were facing long odds, there was a sign up there, it said ‘Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.’ And I’m convinced the people of Iowa have very clear eyes about what’s at stake in this election.  And I know you have full hearts.  And I’m convinced America can’t lose when you help me become the next president of the United States. Thank you guys – you are the best.”

Oh, did we probably not see it, Miffed Romney? NO, YOU PROBABLY DID NOT SEE IT. Or you would not be trying to lay claim to Tami Taylor helping all her students bortion their babies! And teens doing sex on each other’s nubile bodies! And … oh lawd almighty Taylor Kitsch. 

Oh, also you probably did not see it or you would not think they “typically were facing long odds.” THEY WON STATE LIKE ALL THE TIME ALMOST. IDIOT!

Anyway, your horrendous robot speech recalls for us the time John Kerry tried to explain a joke. Let us revisit the horror with each other to hold onto.

(Sit through the ad, then forward to about 3:35.)

Same factory, probably.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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38 comments

  1. BaldarTFlagass

    “And I recall a lie in a fictional political ad I made,” he added. “It was called ‘Jeep moving to China,’ you probably didn’t see it. But – you did, alright. She saw it!"

    We all saw what you did there, Mitt.

  2. SmutBoffin

    The intertubes are unclogged!
    No DETH PANELZ for Wonkett!
    Magic computer make funny people come back!

  3. MiniMencken

    Well, at least he didn't start telling people about his friends who own NFL franchise teams…

  4. NorthStarSpanx

    "You might be shaking hands with the President. . .maybe not, but nice to meet you." – Mitt Romney, fictional POTUS. Maybe you've heard of him over the last seven year? Or maybe you probably didn't see it.

  5. BadKitty904

    I wonder if it was explained to him that football teams do not play on horseback and that football games are not divided into chukkas…

  6. SmutBoffin

    So this Friday's Nightlight show features both unwatchable sports and incompetent teenager sex?

    No wonder Romney likes it.

  7. BarackMyWorld

    Mitt's trying to secure the hipster vote by claiming to like things he thinks other people haven't heard of.

  8. SorosBot

    Come on Mitt, we know you really gets your ideas from the fictional TV shows "Battlestar Gallactica" and "Small Wonder".

  9. boskolives

    It's 4th down and goal to go with the ball on the 50 light year line, and Mittstake drops the ball! Crowd surges the field, Mittstake flees to France for safety from the billionaires who now see that their investment has turned to poop.

  10. SmutBoffin

    Did you carbon-based beings perchance witness the most recent televisual performance of Downtown Abbie? Sometimes I wonder why the Manor Overlord doesn't put his disloyal servants to DEATH, impregnate the nearest fertile female, and then rule his surviving subjects with an iron fist.

Comments are closed.