Mitt Romney Explains ‘Fictional Football Team Show’ Friday Night Lights To Hu-Mans

Well, we thought this story from Politico was another of their hilarious Roger Simonesque fan-fics (like the time, unlinkable for now, when he had literally everyone but your Wonket believing Paul Ryan calls Miffed Romney “Stench”). But no! As far as we can tell it is not a joke! Behold, Mitt Romney explaining a fictional football team show!

“We’re a people also with clear eyes.  We understand the significance of the events around us.  The fact that you’re here today – I mean there are a lot of other things that you could be doing – but you’re interested.  You want to see what’s happening and understand who I am and what I might do if I’m president,” he said.

“And I recall a line in a fictional football team show,” he added. “It was called ‘Friday Night Lights,’ you probably didn’t see it.  But – you did, alright. She saw it! They had this fictional football team and every time they’d leave the locker room, and they typically were facing long odds, there was a sign up there, it said ‘Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.’ And I’m convinced the people of Iowa have very clear eyes about what’s at stake in this election.  And I know you have full hearts.  And I’m convinced America can’t lose when you help me become the next president of the United States. Thank you guys – you are the best.”

Oh, did we probably not see it, Miffed Romney? NO, YOU PROBABLY DID NOT SEE IT. Or you would not be trying to lay claim to Tami Taylor helping all her students bortion their babies! And teens doing sex on each other’s nubile bodies! And … oh lawd almighty Taylor Kitsch. 

Oh, also you probably did not see it or you would not think they “typically were facing long odds.” THEY WON STATE LIKE ALL THE TIME ALMOST. IDIOT!

Anyway, your horrendous robot speech recalls for us the time John Kerry tried to explain a joke. Let us revisit the horror with each other to hold onto.

(Sit through the ad, then forward to about 3:35.)

Same factory, probably.