IMPORTANT OBAMA ENDORSEMENTS  12:47 pm October 30, 2012

Mitt Romney Can Kiss Chris Christie’s Fat Ass

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

sammichesA harried-looking New Jersey Governor Chris Christie showed up on Fox & Friends this morning, and the concerned geniuses there immediately got to the important question, while he explained the massive destruction all around him: Would he be having a nice photo op of the devastation of his state with Republican standardbearer His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney? “Hmmm,” said Chris Christie, “no, I think I would prefer it if ol’ Mittens ate a dick instead!” (Direct quote.) Then he gay-married Barack Obama for being awesome at government!

It is just like that famous saying: a Republican is somebody’s who’s been mugged (by a negro); a Democrat is someone who has had the largest hurricane in the history of humanity fuck up his state beyond measure at which point he learns that “private enterprise” and “government so small you could drown it in a bathtub” are not the best way to deliver life-saving services to an entire third of the country. You remember that saying. Like we said, it is very famous.

[RawStory]

 

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{ 287 comments }

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

Guess ol' Chris is just a RINO at heart.

Barbara_ October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

And in girth of his his ass, very much rhino.

Designer_Rants October 30, 2012 at 1:03 pm
Sophist:GinghamStyle October 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I think he's probably mostly coronary plaque at heart.

Terry October 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Mitt is thanking God he didn't tap Christie for v.p.

MissTaken October 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

I don't think even a rhino heart could sustain such a man.

valthemus October 30, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Someone tell Ann Coulter and make her cry.

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 1:53 am

No, he's a bully at heart, and being a bully just so happens to fit best in the Republican Party.

Not_So_Much October 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

If they really want to help, they should volunteer Kilmeade to be used as an oar.

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Steve Doofusy could be a bucket. For bailing (out).

BoroPrimorac October 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

That blonde trollop can be the raft. On account of all of her buoyancy (head, tits).

sati_demise October 30, 2012 at 2:11 pm

use all of them as an anchor

Gleem McShineys October 30, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Roger Ailes uses 'im like one all the time.

ColHeightsChic October 30, 2012 at 12:49 pm

CHRISTIE 2016! I mean, come on folks, we all know it's coming.

PubOption October 30, 2012 at 1:18 pm

I saw a comment on another site, that Christie thinks he can steamroller Hillary in the 2016 election, and so he is doing whatever he can, behind the scenes, to stop Mittens this year.

ColHeightsChic October 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Yup. Anyone who isn't overwhelmingly supporting Mittens has his eyes trained on 2016.
But the thought of Christie steamrolling Hillary is, well, ummmm, THANKS FOR THAT NASTY IMAGE.

Geminisunmars October 30, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Well, then, I applaud his activities. For this year, anyway.

deanbooth October 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Christie vs. Warren? He won't look good yelling at a gurl.

weejee October 30, 2012 at 1:30 pm

There may be a problem with 60 gazillion doughnuts and ice cream cones between now and then. The tell tale heart: lub dub, lub dub, lub…………………………….

MOG2410 October 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Beats Ryan/Shock all to hell.

freddymcmurray October 30, 2012 at 10:38 pm

he's just trying to be 2012 hurricane version of the giuliani of 9/11

nounverb911 October 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Oh, the huge manatee!

(Thanks to whoever I stole that from.)

PubOption October 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

And that was in NJ as well!

SorosBot October 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

Come now, I'm sure Romney's privatized FEMA would have done just as well.

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Yup, you can just see all those deep-pocket corporations lining up now to do their civic duty and donate millions to disaster relief…

freakishlywrong October 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

"Donate"?

HistoriCat October 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm

They will be happy to donate the supplies. Now all you have to do is pay for the shipping and labor …

Biel_ze_Bubba October 31, 2012 at 12:15 am

Act now and we'll ship you two, yes, TWO loads of supplies!

cousinitt October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

It's called Halliburton. And it's salivating at the chance…

Designer_Rants October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

And I'm salivating at the thought of purchasing one of their crisp, refreshing $10 cans of Coca-Cola.

PROTIP: Buy in bulk, 6 packs only cost $45.

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Ten bucks for this little bottle of water, old lady. Take it or leave it.

Rosie_Scenario October 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

I'm sure the price of sand bags and bottled water would be reasonable. As long as demand didn't outstrip supply.

MissTaken October 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

The hand of the free market will slap your disaster-spanked ass.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 4:33 pm

That's twice-spanked. Like twice-baked potatoes, or refried beans.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Is it wrong that I like the sound of that?

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm

The spanking or the food?

Magic Sam October 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"If you would like to request assistance from FEMA, Inc., please enter your 16 digit credit card number now."
http://dailydickpunch.com/2012/10/30/in-mitt-romn

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

"If you do not have a credit card, please fill in the name, address and fax number of your employer, so we can garnish your wages."

mbatch October 30, 2012 at 2:34 pm

"We're having a special on rescues right now–$500 gets a boat to your doorstep. Pets extra, of course."

redarmyzombie October 30, 2012 at 4:34 pm

They would be retroactively amazing.

Lascauxcaveman October 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

No athiests in foxholes.

No small-government bloviators in natural disasters.

SorosBot October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Now, we did have small-government bloviators in a natural disaster back in 2005; and that worked out real well.

Lascauxcaveman October 30, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I didn't hear of any who were actually IN the natural disaster. Just ones who were at a safe remove. Unless I'm missing some damn idiot thing Jindal said…

Lot_49 October 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Hey! Hey! Chimpy gave Katrina a flyover and, after earning widespread derision, staged a photo op in Jackson Square. He was in it big time!

imissopus October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

On the contrary, you should see some of the conservatards' Twitter feeds today. An example from Britt Hume: "The big federal government some say is needed to deal with big problems like Sandy went home early in DC yesterday & is mostly closed today."

I'm hoping for a Childrens' Treasury roundup of the reactions at some point.

BlueMonkeh October 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Jesus that guy. The idea of "essential personnel" doesn't even hit his skull innerds.

imissopus October 30, 2012 at 1:24 pm

I tweeted at him that I would think he understands the words "non-essential personnel." Weirdly, he did not respond.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Of course not! Have you seen his forehead?!

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm

That's cause his skull don't have ain't got innards.

finallyhappy October 30, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I don't watch much TV news so I don't know all/any of these assholes but living so close to DC, I'd like to personally see each of them and smack them. What has Brittless Hume done to help anyone besides be a blowhard?

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:44 pm

"The big federal government some say is needed to deal with big problems like Sandy went home early in DC yesterday & is mostly closed today."

If "they" say the government is needed — incorrectly, as Mr. Hume seems to be implying — then what's the problem with government offices leaving early and/or being closed? I mean, if they're so unnecessary, who cares if they ever show up to work?

Also, I dare Britt Hume to go to NJ right now and try to say that.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Classic.

MrsConclusion October 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

All he had to say was "no." The rest was praise-worthily honest. Fuck Steve Doocey (his real name) and those other two muppets.

BlueMonkeh October 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

pronounced "Douchey"

finallyhappy October 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

hey, don't insult Muppets- we have the million muppet March this Saturday(I hope there are more than 3 people- or even more than just me and Elmo)

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

So. Bamz made him an offer he couldn't refuse?

SnarkOff October 30, 2012 at 12:50 pm

In the event of levee breakage, your governor may be used as a flotation device.

starfanglednut October 30, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Hundreds of people could cling to him!

OneDollarJuana October 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

And if they run out of food …

starfanglednut October 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Nom, nom ,nom….

Gleem McShineys October 30, 2012 at 3:42 pm

GET IN MAH BELLAY

glamourdammerung October 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm

And if they run out of food …

They could look in the folds of fat for bits Christie missed?

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:40 pm

"Missed", hell! That's where he stores his emergency supply.

djneedlz October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

His coattails, specifically.

Designer_Rants October 30, 2012 at 1:58 pm

He should be required to wear more straps or handholds on his tarping.

kittensdontlie October 30, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Viewing him on a large screen teevee is Godzilla-like frightening.

MOG2410 October 30, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Actually, he's looking a little hollow in the cheeks today. No fast food open.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

I'm not gonna watch 6 and a half minutes; but I understand that Christie had nice things to say about Obama. It must have been tough for him, like that time The Fonz had to admit he was wru…. wru… wru… wrong.

CrunchyKnee October 30, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Leather Tuscadero LIBELZ!!11!!

HistoriCat October 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Christie is from the corrupt, venal wing of the Republican party not the insane, delusional wing. When his ass is on the line, he is happy to accept Big Government help (compare and contrast to whiny shit-weasel Eric Cantor).

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 4:54 pm

But when those two amazing wings join together in jingoistic glory, it is a sight to behold as you flee for the border!

HistoriCat October 30, 2012 at 5:02 pm

If you can behold that sight before you reach border, then ur doin itwrong. Run faster.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 31, 2012 at 12:20 am

So this whole teabagger thing is just a devious plot to make NJ voters miss their good old-fashioned, corrupt venal Republicans?

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 1:59 am

Or there good old-fashioned, corrupt venal Democrats. Truth be told, NJ is one place where if I was a Democrat, I'd not be bragging about it. lol

Lynne October 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm

Actually, it was very satisfying to watch and hear…especially on Faux News.

nounverb911 October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

umm wut

CalvinsChoice October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Too late. Lawrence O'Donnell said the campaign was over yesterday.

SorosBot October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

He should have criticized Obama for failing to put disaster management in charge of a horse judge who was a big campaign donor.

cousinitt October 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Brownie has a drive time radio talk gig with David Sirota here in Denver. The little creep just won't go away. I can never listen to the show because I have to vacuum my car every time he whines about the dangers of liberalism–my stomach can handle only so much bile.

Geminisunmars October 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Hey, cousinitt (and anyone else within driving of Denver), if you have a chance make your way to the Aurora Fox in the next two weeks to see "Red Hot Patriot" – One woman (mostly) show about Molly Ivins. Those of us jonsing for old Molly made it a sold out show at The Laundry (the Lida Project) and so it has been extended, only had to move to Aurora Fox. Rhonda Brown is wonderful channeling the wit of Molly (g-d I miss her. What wouldn't she have to say about Romney.)

cousinitt October 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Thx, did not know. Going to go see the Big Dog at a rally this afternoon. Let the good times roll!

Geminisunmars October 30, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Good for you! Give him a squeeze from me, wouldja? Looks like a good day for it (shhh – don't tell the east coasters that we are expecting 70degrees here today).

Terry October 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Obama forgot to follow Rove's model of sending Federal efforts first into States with governors of the same political party.

MosesInvests October 30, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Apparently, Brownie criticized POTUS for responding too soon. No, that's not from The Onion. Heckuva job.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:48 pm

I'll bet Mitzi knows LOTS of horse judges, and at least some of them are campaign donors.

ManchuCandidate October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Faux can't change its shit spots.

Millions of people without power and large portions of NYC flooded and they're still all about putting politics above people.

zumpie October 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

So was Dopucheborough this AM on Morning Jerk. While I think Mika's an enabling twit, she looked ready to throw up

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 4:56 pm

That's her go-to move, along with wearing fuck-me pumps and cowering before her Real Daddy.

nounverb911 October 30, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Did Christie mention how this storm is good news for the home repair and construction industries?

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Those were the people who made the most money in New Orleans after Katrina. Well, them and the restaurants, once the tourists came back.

BoroPrimorac October 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Hurricane Andrew made a lot of people money down here.

rocktonsam October 30, 2012 at 5:35 pm

and the mob also

Designer_Rants October 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Please join us for the the marriage of Kremes Krispy and Black O'Kenya on what's left of the Jersey Shore.

If you can't make it, Fox will host the shrieking, eye-clawing live blog.

Sophist:GinghamStyle October 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Republicans think all government is evil, except the parts they need at the moment, which are of course necessary and right and good, because shut up that's why.

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

"Government for me, but not for thee." Somebody on the interwebz

Sparky McGruff October 30, 2012 at 6:00 pm

The parts that they benefit from are barely sufficient. They're deserving, after all.

The parts that THOSE PEOPLE get are criminal.

Hammiepants October 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

Hoisted on his own petard. If they make super-sized petards for hugeass fat governors.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:50 pm

How do you think that crane broke?

HempDogbane October 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm

This will almost make up for Obama losing the all-important Des Moines Register endorsement.

Eve8Apples October 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

When the goin' gets tough, the tough become moozlin,communist, librule, socialist, anti-christian Kenyans.

Goonemeritus October 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

You can’t be whipsawing our contempt this way we aren’t your performing monkeys DAMN IT !

noodlesalad October 30, 2012 at 12:53 pm

Here comes the story of Governor Hurricane
The man Fox News came to blame
For a photo-op he never could have done
Give him a sammich today and he'll run
in 2016 for President of WORLD.

Toomush_Infer October 30, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Dylan libel….

badseeds October 30, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Is this the Before the Flood version?

(I know the chronology don't work. Go with me here. . .)

noodlesalad October 30, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Super-extra Rainy Day Women #12 & 35

Everyone must get disaster relief assistance!

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Government is not the solution! Except during an emergency, when it kinda is. So gordo is all Big Brother today, and shoved Dooshey's dick down his own throat.

Loch_Nessosaur October 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Obama built this hurricane so he could show off just how awesome he is and that he controls republicans. At least those who want federal monies.

HobbesEvilTwin October 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I can haz a free cell phone now?

CrunchyKnee October 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Chris has a giant sad because every Wawa in New Jersey is closed. Where is he gonna get a sandwich, god damnit!!

kittensdontlie October 30, 2012 at 1:03 pm

He cried wa wa wa all the way home.

veritass October 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

The visible sadness in the F&F clown car when they realize dough boy isn't going to throw the President under the bus is so amazing.

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Truly, a "Wait. What?" moment…

Toomush_Infer October 30, 2012 at 1:26 pm

"In times like this, that's what…what we…want to hear…" No, and that's the last time they'll have Christie on about this crisis, you can count on that….

WhatTheHolyHeck October 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

That was an incredible mumble of discomfort.

Lascauxcaveman October 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Also, he's afraid if those big army trucks full of rations don't get there soon, the desperately hungry people of NJ may turn to the nearest obvious source of protein. (Fat, too.)

RomneysLogCabin October 30, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Did someone water-board the governor?

If so, I've got some more Tea Bags to dip.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Man, they waited over 2 minutes before they threw the political turd into the punchbowl. Very compassionate!

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Isn't anybody thinking of Sarah Palin today?

nounverb911 October 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

Who?

bobbert October 30, 2012 at 1:27 pm

There's always one, fer sure.

elviouslyqueer October 30, 2012 at 1:38 pm
LibertyLover October 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

to be used as a floatation device?

MOG2410 October 30, 2012 at 2:00 pm

hmmm, nope.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 30, 2012 at 2:03 pm

She is.

TootsStansbury October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I think the Gov. seemed humbled (almost). Like any bully who gets a punch in the nose humbled.

hagajim October 30, 2012 at 12:56 pm

El Gordo goes grande in praise of el Presidente! Mittens – notsomuch.

sudsmckenzie October 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm

"I would also like to thank FEMA for this wicked natural disaster casual wear, look, it even says "Governor".

CrunchyKnee October 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

The governor's wardrobe provided by Mr. Mann's Tall and Big Shoppe of Newark.

mavenmaven October 30, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Romney? Fuggedaboutit.

OneYieldRegular October 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

That should be a bumper sticker on every car in New York and New Jersey – assuming the water recedes enough for bumpers to be visible.

BTWBFDIMHO October 30, 2012 at 1:48 pm
tessiee October 30, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Funny, but confusing because Chris Christie is too difficult to distinguish from Bobby Baccala.

SexySmurf October 30, 2012 at 12:58 pm

Christie is just sucking up to Obama so he'll make him ambassador to the Land of Dairy Queen.

MosesInvests October 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Burger King, also, too.

vulpes82 October 30, 2012 at 3:23 pm

Candyland, too.

freakishlywrong October 30, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Fat Jebus is running in 2016. That is all. Look "moderate", asshole.

ThundercatHo October 30, 2012 at 1:01 pm

The fuck? Up is down, black is white and Crisco is not only saying nice things about Bamz but telling Douchey and Mitts to get stuffed? I don't remember using any mind altering substances recently.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

I think that the mind-altering substance was "reality" and the user was Christie. I'm sure he'll be back on the attack at some point.

MinAgain October 30, 2012 at 1:01 pm

And that's going to be a lot of ass to kiss.

SayItWithWookies October 30, 2012 at 1:02 pm

"Is the governor going to join you at any storm-related events?" Really? Yeah Doocy or Kilmeade or whichever the fuck one of you you are, we're gonna put on some gaiters and wander the streets of Trenton shaking the hands of people whose houses were destroyed by a flood with a gaggle of fuckin' photographers and reporters along just for fun. You can tell Chris Christie's had a rough couple of days when he displays open contempt for people more stupid and opportunistic than he is. Also, Governor Rombot doesn't really like to be around actual human suffering, in case you fuckheads hadn't noticed.

MOG2410 October 30, 2012 at 2:00 pm

He might get some on him. ewwww.

TeaNuts October 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

I heard that Green Peace kept trying to push him back into the ocean.

snowpointsecret October 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Is it just me or does Chris Christie seem a lot more likeable lately? Not just from this, this is a man who turned down a chance at running for president because "he had a duty as governor of New Jersey". I mean he's nowhere near perfect but considering his party he sure seems to be ahead of the game.

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

"Suspiciously human" comes to mind…

smashedinhat October 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

It's unexplainable. But for sure he'll be back to yelling at everyone within spitting distance after he's eaten some baby back ribs.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:12 pm

Fuck him anyway.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Watch his policies, not his post-disaster contrition.

spareme October 30, 2012 at 11:59 pm

Clearly he knows a loser when he sees one.

Disassembly October 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Let us just go to a fundamental question. Water, Mr. Speaker, is a natural byproduct of nature. Water is natural. It occurs in Earth. It is a part of the regular life cycle of Earth. In fact, life on planet Earth can’t even exist without water. So necessary is it to human life, to animal life, to plant life, to the oceans, to the vegetation that’s on the Earth, to the fowls that fly in the air, we need to have water as a part of the fundamental life cycle of Earth.

As a matter of fact, water is portrayed as harmful, but there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that water is a harmful liquid. There isn’t one such study because water is not a harmful liquid. It is a harmless liquid. Water is natural. It is not harmful. It is a part of Earth’s life cycle. And yet we’re being told that we have to reduce this natural substance and reduce the American standard of living to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occurring in the Earth.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

And without water, we have nothing to fill the bathtub in which to drown the government.

Disassembly October 30, 2012 at 1:12 pm

H2NObama is anti-agua.

starfanglednut October 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Hydrogen bond libel!

Generation[redacted] October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Water is plant food!

emmelemm October 30, 2012 at 1:18 pm

No! Plants crave Brawndo!

deelzebub October 30, 2012 at 2:26 pm

It's got el-ehk-tro-lites.

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 1:48 pm

BUT but but but but what about dihydrogen oxide?? I heard it's dangerous and needs to be abolished. Will you sign my petition to forbid the manufacture, use or exportation of dihydrogen oxide?

starfanglednut October 30, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Meanwhile, Mittens is in Ohio, safely away from danger, boxing up canned goods and taking donations to send to NJ. Not touring affected areas, not pitching in to help. Very presidential.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

I think that even someone as tone-deaf as Romney knows that any attempt at a photo op by him would be The End.

starfanglednut October 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

You're probably right. He's going to look silly no matter what he does.

snowpointsecret October 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm

At least nature decided to snow at him in protest. "DO YOU BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING NOW, YOU PRICK?"

Of course, when he answers no, the snow immediately changes over to rain, as if to mock him.

(Actually, that's a pretty accurate description of my local weather this morning. Romney's just down the road about 10 miles in Kettering…)

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

"At least nature decided to snow at him in protest."

"snow at him."

Brilliant.

…and follow.

finallyhappy October 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Yeah, maybe he'd like to come to Newark where I heard 95% of the people do not have power- because Newark would love to get some of Mittens

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Corey Booker doesn't have enough aggravation rescuing people, puppies, and kittens from the flood waters with his bare hands, he has to deal with Mitt and Ryan and their bullshit, too?

OneYieldRegular October 30, 2012 at 1:44 pm

He sent a bus with his name splayed across it. Sheesh, what more do you people want?

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Helping in NJ would dirty his mom-jeans.

SorosBot October 30, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Anyway, Jersey will be going to Obama no matter what, as will New York, so why should Mitt concern himself with their fate?

SayItWithWookies October 30, 2012 at 2:10 pm

His job is not to worry about those people. Besides, they have a safety net.

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 2:06 am

I mean, he's running for president for Pete's sake! He can't be concerned with blue states!

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Be fair — Christie himself just said that Romney touring affected areas would be just crass politicking.

Mumbletypeg October 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I for one think the Governor's reversed bullshit semantics deserve a standing bloviation.

not that Dewey October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

DON'T EVER BE THE FIRST TO STOP CLAPTRAPPING

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:05 pm

I like how the Fox guy asked him if he had enough first responders, fire fighters and police and such. It would have even been better if he had asked the governor if he had enough teachers.

ChrisM2011 October 30, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Conservative response:

"Benghazi! Blargghhaabblarrgh!!"

PugglesRule October 30, 2012 at 2:08 pm

And also too, Kenya!

MonkeyMotion October 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Remind me, this frankenstorm is because Jeebus is mad at who? or what?

Also, let me know when we can start thanking him profusely for saving someone. Or something.

Thanks!

MosesInvests October 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm

"It's pronounced FRAHNKENSTURM!"

Geminisunmars October 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

You haff made mine day.

MosesInvests October 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm

MMMMMMMMM…..

Detesticle October 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm

"EXTREME WEATHER," says Fox's graphic — Hurricanes are like Dorritos and skateboarders. Now with more extreme.

fuflans October 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

to get money and federal resources in here as fast as possible… gov. chris christie

that should be the dems headline for the next week.

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 1:09 pm

And Romney holds some weak-ass "storm relief" event (not a campaign event) in Ohio to ship cans of beans to NJ. But the Red Cros sez: “Unfortunately, due to logistical constraints the Red Cross does not accept or solicit individual donations or collections of items. Items such as collected food, used clothing and shoes must be sorted, cleaned, repackaged and transported which impedes the valuable resources of money, time, and personnel,”

snowpointsecret October 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Disclaimer: It was a campaign event he cancelled and quickly rescheduled as a "storm relief" event. It's been all over the local news here.

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

You buckeyes fall for it?

snowpointsecret October 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Considering how well it's been covered, I think only the hardcore Republicans have. Even the people in the middle (and some more moderate Republicans I've seen) kind of groaned at Romney's handling of this. I'm not sure it'll move the meter at all, it's just kind of like "yep, it's Mitt."

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 1:17 pm

Nothing about this is going to make Romney look good, and everything about it is going to make Bamz look great. In other words, the polls won't budge at all.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 30, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"Let them eat hobo beans!"

"What do you mean, you won't take my hobo beans?!"

redarmyzombie October 30, 2012 at 4:45 pm

So just to make things clear, even the Red Cross wants to bitch-slap Willard for his let-them-eat-cake idiocy?

DrunkIrishman October 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Ann Romney is going to be leaving some nasty messages on the Christie answering machine.

Toomush_Infer October 30, 2012 at 1:31 pm

She'll be throwing Eggs….of course, Christie will be catching them in his mouth….

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:03 pm

So will Ginnie Thomas.
Actually, so will *Clarence* Thomas: *deep voice* Awwww, yeah! Walk nasty for me, Baby!

freakishlywrong October 30, 2012 at 1:11 pm

We will never make Chris Christie small enough to drown tin the bathtub. Also.

emmelemm October 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

We're gonna need a bigger bathtub.

elviouslyqueer October 30, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Wow. If Christie had put just a little more force into that protracted "Do you think I give a damn about politics right now?" takedown, Brian Kilmeade's dick would've surgically removed itself and gotten on the first plane bound for Denmark.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Well, if not flying to Denmark, then at least it would have detached itself and headed on down to Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 30, 2012 at 6:06 pm

"Detachable, detachable…"

An_Outhouse October 30, 2012 at 1:48 pm

They all looked like they were going to cry after that.

vulpes82 October 30, 2012 at 3:25 pm

"Mommy, the bad man yelled at me!!!!"

CommieDad October 30, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Mr. Christie is facing a disaster right now. He really does only care for providing the leadership necessary to rescue his people and rebuild his state. Praising Obama was his way of shouting out to Mitt that his involvement with the campaign is over. He has far far more important things to do, and he would prefer to do them with the President, thank you very much. The President is the one who called him, demonstrated that he cared for his people more than any previous disagreements, and offered him a blank check. A single act and moment of kindness can change a relationship.

RedneckMuslin October 30, 2012 at 1:15 pm

Oh come on! A 6 minute interview and nobody asked how Snooki's doing.

They got a real situation there.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 30, 2012 at 2:04 pm

This was actually my first thought on waking up today. Sadly, I'm not kidding. I need to get out more (in the wind. For votes.)

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 10:25 pm

"They got a real situation there."

I see what youse did there.

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 2:10 am

I feel dirty for thinking about Snooki the first thing when I saw Seaside Heights had been destroyed. :(

ElPinche October 30, 2012 at 1:16 pm

Chris Chrispy's response to Wonkette: "YOU KNOWS..I'M TRYING TO BE NICE AND ALL I GET IS FAT JOKES FROM YOUS LIBTARDS. I PUT MY ASS ON THE LINE AND ALL I GET IS LIP, YOU FUCKIN FUCKS."

MissTaken October 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm

We'll take him out for an ice cream cone to make him feel better.

Disassembly October 30, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Chris Christie is so fat he cannot speak in lower-case letters.

Blueb4sinrise October 30, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Awww c'mon, a couple people said nice things about the gross fuck, so he's actually way ahead of most people mentioned here..

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm

BASTIDS! (they say "bastids" in NJ, don't they?)

ElPinche October 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

YOU FUCKIN LIBTIDS!!! ….I don't know, but sounds right though.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:08 pm

"All due respect… [swipes chin with back of hand] Stu'gottz!"

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

“Remember, unsolicited donated goods such as used clothing, miscellaneous household items, and mixed or perishable foodstuffs require helping agencies to redirect valuable resources away from providing services to sort, package, transport, warehouse, and distribute items that may not meet the needs of disaster survivors”
~ FEMA

STOP WITH THE CAN COLLECTION STUNT, MITT!

finallyhappy October 30, 2012 at 1:42 pm

So some MItt supporter (after he talked about his charitable donations) claimed the Mormons are the first at any disaster. I know it isn't true- but I asked if it was so they could baptize the dead?

OneYieldRegular October 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Holy Joseph Smith, the guy has more money than God but he's out standing under a Romney/Ryan sign collecting unneeded, unwanted cans instead of just writing a g-damn check?

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 1:57 pm

THANK you! Note not a single, freekin' *penny* of disaster relief has come from his many bank accounts, the cheap bastid*…

* I love that word.

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Better yet, let's see him get his ass down to the Red Cross office and give some blood. Some sweet, never-corrupted, Mormon blood.

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I didn't think you can get that from a stone.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:36 pm

Hey, Romney!
*a la Fran Drescher, which is my original accent anyway*
KISS MY ASS, YA CHEAP BAAAAAASTID!!

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 30, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I work in development, and this is the number one thing we have to tell disappointed people who want to do something "concrete." PLEASE do not send goods, or show up expecting to "volunteer" (RC disaster volunteers go through hundreds of hours of training). JUST SEND MONEY. And if you've got a lot of money, send a lot of money. In Mitten's defence, however, I think it's a bit of an Obama moment– if he sends money he looks like he's flaunting his wealth, if he doesn't he looks stingy. I'm going to be charitable and assume he did in fact send money and is choosing to remain anonymous. However, he could have just as easily staged an event to make this point, rather than promoting that people should do exactly the wrong thing.

redarmyzombie October 30, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I think you give him far too much benefit of the doubt.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:34 pm

"oh, hallelujah! Banana bread! Our problems are solved!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBNaHiQ7G28

MissTaken October 30, 2012 at 1:21 pm

Poor Mitt! Will nobody think of how the Hurricane is affecting him??

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:23 pm

Yeah, it's really cramping his style, campaigning-wise.

SorosBot October 30, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Will nobody think about Mittens' East Coast houses?

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Thank FSM his cars were elevated enough to escape the flooding.

chascates October 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
Got what it takes to make a fat ass governor leave his home,
Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well.

ifthethunderdontgetya October 30, 2012 at 1:39 pm

WOO HOO!
~

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:35 pm

You know what else is a good thing? They caught that cannibal cop before this storm hit. It probably would have been the opportunity he was looking for.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Nah, the refrigeration would've gone out, and he'd have been caught by the smell.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Yeah, but the chick would already be mixed in with the hamburger helper. This way, no one dies.

gullywompr October 30, 2012 at 2:38 pm

Chick jerky. It keeps for months.

Nopantsmcgee October 30, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I notice no one trusts Christie with the gathering of canned goods.

GeorgiaBurning October 30, 2012 at 2:50 pm

OTOH, they wouldn't be a storage problem with him.

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 2:12 am

He hates canned food. It takes too long to open the cans. Chris Christie likes his energy raw.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 30, 2012 at 1:36 pm

That's one hell of a saying, Rebecca. I like it.

chascates October 30, 2012 at 1:44 pm

The wingnuts figured Obama would postpone the election to try to avoid losing. Meanwhile:

Gov. Christie may reschedule Halloween in NJ
http://www.myfoxny.com/story/19947963/gov-christi

An_Outhouse October 30, 2012 at 1:45 pm

He's so busy he can't be bothered with Presidential politics but he has time to put his fat, angry mug on Faux.

An_Outhouse October 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I wonder what color the people on top of the mobile homes who could not predict a storm surge were? Given the amount of sympathy they were showed, I would guess they're white (trash).

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

AHA– that's where Snookie was!

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:37 pm

Strictly speaking, she's orange trash.

LibertyLover October 30, 2012 at 1:51 pm

“no, I think I would prefer it if ol’ Mittens ate a dick instead!”

I think that is a misquote… I distinctly remember him saying "corndog."

TRDMC October 30, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Could those Fox hand puppets have been any more disappointed by Christie's words of appreciation for the president? They looked like he'd just told them their program had been cancelled.

kingcocrazy October 30, 2012 at 1:54 pm

This is the biggest calamity to strike New Jersey since Gov. Christie's cousin, the Hindenburg, exploded in Lakehurst.

BadKitty904 October 30, 2012 at 2:00 pm

"Oh, the Sean Hannity…"

(Attributed to somebody on here, I think)

Toomush_Infer October 30, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Ah, Reality – it has its advantages…..

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 30, 2012 at 2:00 pm

That is SO not exactly what they want to hear.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 30, 2012 at 2:02 pm

They should try out that new technology where you can put critical information like the number for the crisis line at the bottom of the screen, right where the "Romney contemplates trip to inspect damage" banner was.

SheriffRoscoe October 30, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Hey Governor, how about we let those directly affected by the damage pay for all the clean-up and repair themselves, like tea party role model Ayn Rand would likely suggest. Hey if your lucky, maybe some church somewhere will pitch in some financial help, if they have anything left over after paying off their child molestation settlements, that is.

And oh yeah, by the way, fuck you.

finallyhappy October 30, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Some local moron posted that the WH and the President are at fault for not putting on TV stations(local/national and cable) the kind of emergency information he thinks was needed- phone numbers and emergency radio info(whatever that is). Now I watched local news and there seemed to be an abundance of who to call/what to do but then I don't hate the President- and my understanding of American television is that it is not run by the President(because we Jews run all media). He also claimed that television and radio are the major sources of information if there are power outages(HUH???) so why are we being directed to websites? So I think this is a combo of I hate the Black guy and get off my lawn.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:41 pm

"emergency radio info(whatever that is)"

"The following is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System:
BEEEEEEEEP!
This is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, you would have something something…"

So, I guess all the radios in the NY/NJ households that have power are just going BEEEEEEP! now.

ttommyunger October 30, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Don't know why he's bothering to pave the way for 2016; he'll be dead of a massive coronary well before then.

HarryButtle October 30, 2012 at 2:28 pm

Thus Chris Christie strikes the coup de grace, thereby insuring his status as frontrunner in 2016.

Keep an eye on this one, folks. He's crafty.

BTWBFDIMHO October 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm

From former FEMA Director Michael Brown, criticizing Obama:
“One thing he’s gonna be asked is, why did he jump on [the hurricane] so quickly and go back to D.C. so quickly when in…Benghazi, he went to Las Vegas?” Brown says. “Why was this so quick?… At some point, somebody’s going to ask that question…. This is like the inverse of Benghazi.” http://www.alternet.org/bushs-fema-director-micha

Cleopatriot October 30, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I would think HeckofaJob would try to lay low in situations like this and not remind us of him and his dancing horses. Because that reminds us of someone else who has a dancing horse and is collecting rubbish to impede disaster relief.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Apparently, he has been kicked in the head by a horse recently.

decentcitizen October 30, 2012 at 2:45 pm

It's the same Christie. Just a new set of circumstances.

mrbubb October 30, 2012 at 2:47 pm

As Led Zep said, "when the levee breaks, momma you gotta fuck small government talking points and get some big government assistance."

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:43 pm

Memphis Minnie libel!

Redgyal October 30, 2012 at 3:13 pm

The saying you are looking for is "come hell or high hair gel".

Fox n Fiends October 30, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Redstate: "Bailout Christie praises Kenyan Usurper and Union Thuggs for killing a plum disaster capitalism opportunity in New Jersey"

rickmaci October 30, 2012 at 3:28 pm

For the next few days this week, the best way for the President to make the case he should keep his job is to do his job, as Gov. Krispy Kreme acknowledged he obviously has been doing. +1 Barak.

emmelemm October 30, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I like your new avatar, btw.

randomsausage October 30, 2012 at 3:40 pm

Christie only wants FEMA money so he can get his local McDonald's back up and running. I heard he sent some State Troopers to PA to get a Super Gordita from Tacky Bell.

DahBoner October 30, 2012 at 3:44 pm

Free Taco Tuesday, man.

DahBoner October 30, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Do lard-carrying helicopters operate in this weather?

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm

No, so Christie's gonna be there awhile.

stly92 October 30, 2012 at 3:46 pm

I love how after Christie talks up the president fox and fiends mumble, "well, that's what we want to hear." Sorry conservatives, Sandygate denied!

rickmaci October 30, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Like Hurricane Sandy, Christie is a humongous force of nature. He blows his own path and anyone who is in the way should best move to safer ground.

LagunaB October 30, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Back the fuck off. I live in NJ. NYC is my home. We all hated Giuliani before 9/11 but he stood up and worked endlessly to get NYC back on it's feet.
The damn storm came right through us.
I am no fan if Christie but he has had nothing but nice things to say about Obama.
I didn't criticize Giuliani then and I am not criticize Christie now.
STFU.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:33 pm

No.

LagunaB October 30, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Wanna come and help with my four downed trees? No?
I'm a poll worker in the path of destruction of Sandy. We are trying to figure out how to make this all work. Bashing on Christie is not helping. It is not funny or snarky. I don't care what you think.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:56 pm

Making fun of Christie is about his fucked up Republican policies, no matter how magnanimous he decides to act this week, so again, no.

LagunaB October 30, 2012 at 6:04 pm

I have been through some crappy situations. I based my opinion of people on whether they would be a help or hinderance when things get bad. You would be a hinderance because you don't understand. Mr LagunaB's plant has lost power. This means no money coming in until there is power and the plant can be brought up. Don't know when that will be. I also make my money in South Jersey. Everything has been cancelled, so I will have no money coming in. I am tired, hunger, dirty and cold. So. STFU.

tessiee October 30, 2012 at 6:52 pm

In keeping with the regional vernacular, can we make fun of Gov. Christie if we start the sentence with, "Not for nothin', but…"?

LagunaB October 30, 2012 at 7:15 pm

Yes. We normal start talking by saying:Howyoudoing.Sent from iPhone

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 2:16 am

I'm confused, but what's the problem? All I see is praise for Chris telling it like it is in this particularly circumstance. Oh yeah, and fat jokes, which are to be expected.

Monsieur_Grumpe October 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Well, I guess Christie is bigger man than I thought he was and for once I mean that in the nice way.

Chet Kincaid_ October 30, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I heard Obama was watching the storm move in the whole time, and never even ordered a military strike!!!1!!1!

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 2:16 am

I heard he missed the memo titled "Sandy determined to strike the United States".

rocktonsam October 30, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Sandy is good news for the Jersey mob also

ChickTract_Fil_A October 30, 2012 at 8:00 pm

No man is an island. But me. – Chris Christie

Biel_ze_Bubba October 31, 2012 at 12:43 am

Christie: "Obama has done a great job for New Jersey"
Faux: "That's exactly what we want to hear."

I larfed.

Negropolis October 31, 2012 at 2:02 am

He was just nervous that if he didn't get on television and show himself as a person that some of his residents would mistake him for a whale and try to push him back into the ocean.

Free Christie!

No, but seriously, now the Christie was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made..

BaldarTFlagass October 31, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Is this thing on? *tap tap tap*

Baba_NinjaCat12 October 31, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Christy is fat and big as a RINO

zaboolarooza November 9, 2012 at 8:22 am

What a bunch of foul-mouthed columnists. Is this a Conservative site??? I'm outta here.

BaldarTFlagass October 30, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Unfortunate, that. But you are right; in the end Bamz will still be blah and Romney will still be white.

Mumbletypeg October 30, 2012 at 2:07 pm

I am overwhelmed with the *excellence* of all of "you's guys' " observations. Thanks Gullywompr.

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 30, 2012 at 6:28 pm

Yes.

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