important obama endorsements

Mitt Romney Can Kiss Chris Christie’s Fat Ass

sammichesA harried-looking New Jersey Governor Chris Christie showed up on Fox & Friends this morning, and the concerned geniuses there immediately got to the important question, while he explained the massive destruction all around him: Would he be having a nice photo op of the devastation of his state with Republican standardbearer His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney? “Hmmm,” said Chris Christie, “no, I think I would prefer it if ol’ Mittens ate a dick instead!” (Direct quote.) Then he gay-married Barack Obama for being awesome at government!

It is just like that famous saying: a Republican is somebody’s who’s been mugged (by a negro); a Democrat is someone who has had the largest hurricane in the history of humanity fuck up his state beyond measure at which point he learns that “private enterprise” and “government so small you could drown it in a bathtub” are not the best way to deliver life-saving services to an entire third of the country. You remember that saying. Like we said, it is very famous.


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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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    1. Negropolis

      No, he's a bully at heart, and being a bully just so happens to fit best in the Republican Party.

    1. PubOption

      I saw a comment on another site, that Christie thinks he can steamroller Hillary in the 2016 election, and so he is doing whatever he can, behind the scenes, to stop Mittens this year.

      1. ColHeightsChic

        Yup. Anyone who isn't overwhelmingly supporting Mittens has his eyes trained on 2016.
        But the thought of Christie steamrolling Hillary is, well, ummmm, THANKS FOR THAT NASTY IMAGE.

    2. weejee

      There may be a problem with 60 gazillion doughnuts and ice cream cones between now and then. The tell tale heart: lub dub, lub dub, lub…………………………….

    1. BadKitty904

      Yup, you can just see all those deep-pocket corporations lining up now to do their civic duty and donate millions to disaster relief…

        1. HistoriCat

          They will be happy to donate the supplies. Now all you have to do is pay for the shipping and labor …

    2. Rosie_Scenario

      I'm sure the price of sand bags and bottled water would be reasonable. As long as demand didn't outstrip supply.

      1. PugglesRule

        "If you do not have a credit card, please fill in the name, address and fax number of your employer, so we can garnish your wages."

    3. mbatch

      "We're having a special on rescues right now–$500 gets a boat to your doorstep. Pets extra, of course."

    1. SorosBot

      Now, we did have small-government bloviators in a natural disaster back in 2005; and that worked out real well.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        I didn't hear of any who were actually IN the natural disaster. Just ones who were at a safe remove. Unless I'm missing some damn idiot thing Jindal said…

        1. Lot_49

          Hey! Hey! Chimpy gave Katrina a flyover and, after earning widespread derision, staged a photo op in Jackson Square. He was in it big time!

    2. imissopus

      On the contrary, you should see some of the conservatards' Twitter feeds today. An example from Britt Hume: "The big federal government some say is needed to deal with big problems like Sandy went home early in DC yesterday & is mostly closed today."

      I'm hoping for a Childrens' Treasury roundup of the reactions at some point.

      1. finallyhappy

        I don't watch much TV news so I don't know all/any of these assholes but living so close to DC, I'd like to personally see each of them and smack them. What has Brittless Hume done to help anyone besides be a blowhard?

      2. tessiee

        "The big federal government some say is needed to deal with big problems like Sandy went home early in DC yesterday & is mostly closed today."

        If "they" say the government is needed — incorrectly, as Mr. Hume seems to be implying — then what's the problem with government offices leaving early and/or being closed? I mean, if they're so unnecessary, who cares if they ever show up to work?

        Also, I dare Britt Hume to go to NJ right now and try to say that.

  1. MrsConclusion

    All he had to say was "no." The rest was praise-worthily honest. Fuck Steve Doocey (his real name) and those other two muppets.

    1. finallyhappy

      hey, don't insult Muppets- we have the million muppet March this Saturday(I hope there are more than 3 people- or even more than just me and Elmo)

        1. glamourdammerung

          And if they run out of food …

          They could look in the folds of fat for bits Christie missed?

  2. BaldarTFlagass

    I'm not gonna watch 6 and a half minutes; but I understand that Christie had nice things to say about Obama. It must have been tough for him, like that time The Fonz had to admit he was wru…. wru… wru… wrong.

    1. HistoriCat

      Christie is from the corrupt, venal wing of the Republican party not the insane, delusional wing. When his ass is on the line, he is happy to accept Big Government help (compare and contrast to whiny shit-weasel Eric Cantor).

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        So this whole teabagger thing is just a devious plot to make NJ voters miss their good old-fashioned, corrupt venal Republicans?

        1. Negropolis

          Or there good old-fashioned, corrupt venal Democrats. Truth be told, NJ is one place where if I was a Democrat, I'd not be bragging about it. lol

  3. SorosBot

    He should have criticized Obama for failing to put disaster management in charge of a horse judge who was a big campaign donor.

    1. cousinitt

      Brownie has a drive time radio talk gig with David Sirota here in Denver. The little creep just won't go away. I can never listen to the show because I have to vacuum my car every time he whines about the dangers of liberalism–my stomach can handle only so much bile.

      1. Geminisunmars

        Hey, cousinitt (and anyone else within driving of Denver), if you have a chance make your way to the Aurora Fox in the next two weeks to see "Red Hot Patriot" – One woman (mostly) show about Molly Ivins. Those of us jonsing for old Molly made it a sold out show at The Laundry (the Lida Project) and so it has been extended, only had to move to Aurora Fox. Rhonda Brown is wonderful channeling the wit of Molly (g-d I miss her. What wouldn't she have to say about Romney.)

        1. cousinitt

          Thx, did not know. Going to go see the Big Dog at a rally this afternoon. Let the good times roll!

          1. Geminisunmars

            Good for you! Give him a squeeze from me, wouldja? Looks like a good day for it (shhh – don't tell the east coasters that we are expecting 70degrees here today).

    2. Terry

      Obama forgot to follow Rove's model of sending Federal efforts first into States with governors of the same political party.

    3. MosesInvests

      Apparently, Brownie criticized POTUS for responding too soon. No, that's not from The Onion. Heckuva job.

    1. zumpie

      So was Dopucheborough this AM on Morning Jerk. While I think Mika's an enabling twit, she looked ready to throw up

    1. PugglesRule

      Those were the people who made the most money in New Orleans after Katrina. Well, them and the restaurants, once the tourists came back.

  4. Designer_Rants

    Please join us for the the marriage of Kremes Krispy and Black O'Kenya on what's left of the Jersey Shore.

    If you can't make it, Fox will host the shrieking, eye-clawing live blog.

  5. Sophist:GinghamStyle

    Republicans think all government is evil, except the parts they need at the moment, which are of course necessary and right and good, because shut up that's why.

    1. Sparky McGruff

      The parts that they benefit from are barely sufficient. They're deserving, after all.

      The parts that THOSE PEOPLE get are criminal.

  6. Eve8Apples

    When the goin' gets tough, the tough become moozlin,communist, librule, socialist, anti-christian Kenyans.

  7. noodlesalad

    Here comes the story of Governor Hurricane
    The man Fox News came to blame
    For a photo-op he never could have done
    Give him a sammich today and he'll run
    in 2016 for President of WORLD.

  8. gullywompr

    Government is not the solution! Except during an emergency, when it kinda is. So gordo is all Big Brother today, and shoved Dooshey's dick down his own throat.

  9. Loch_Nessosaur

    Obama built this hurricane so he could show off just how awesome he is and that he controls republicans. At least those who want federal monies.

  10. CrunchyKnee

    Chris has a giant sad because every Wawa in New Jersey is closed. Where is he gonna get a sandwich, god damnit!!

  11. veritass

    The visible sadness in the F&F clown car when they realize dough boy isn't going to throw the President under the bus is so amazing.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      "In times like this, that's what…what we…want to hear…" No, and that's the last time they'll have Christie on about this crisis, you can count on that….

  12. Lascauxcaveman

    Also, he's afraid if those big army trucks full of rations don't get there soon, the desperately hungry people of NJ may turn to the nearest obvious source of protein. (Fat, too.)

  13. BaldarTFlagass

    Man, they waited over 2 minutes before they threw the political turd into the punchbowl. Very compassionate!

  14. sudsmckenzie

    "I would also like to thank FEMA for this wicked natural disaster casual wear, look, it even says "Governor".

    1. OneYieldRegular

      That should be a bumper sticker on every car in New York and New Jersey – assuming the water recedes enough for bumpers to be visible.

  15. ThundercatHo

    The fuck? Up is down, black is white and Crisco is not only saying nice things about Bamz but telling Douchey and Mitts to get stuffed? I don't remember using any mind altering substances recently.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I think that the mind-altering substance was "reality" and the user was Christie. I'm sure he'll be back on the attack at some point.

  16. SayItWithWookies

    "Is the governor going to join you at any storm-related events?" Really? Yeah Doocy or Kilmeade or whichever the fuck one of you you are, we're gonna put on some gaiters and wander the streets of Trenton shaking the hands of people whose houses were destroyed by a flood with a gaggle of fuckin' photographers and reporters along just for fun. You can tell Chris Christie's had a rough couple of days when he displays open contempt for people more stupid and opportunistic than he is. Also, Governor Rombot doesn't really like to be around actual human suffering, in case you fuckheads hadn't noticed.

  17. snowpointsecret

    Is it just me or does Chris Christie seem a lot more likeable lately? Not just from this, this is a man who turned down a chance at running for president because "he had a duty as governor of New Jersey". I mean he's nowhere near perfect but considering his party he sure seems to be ahead of the game.

    1. smashedinhat

      It's unexplainable. But for sure he'll be back to yelling at everyone within spitting distance after he's eaten some baby back ribs.

  18. Disassembly

    Let us just go to a fundamental question. Water, Mr. Speaker, is a natural byproduct of nature. Water is natural. It occurs in Earth. It is a part of the regular life cycle of Earth. In fact, life on planet Earth can’t even exist without water. So necessary is it to human life, to animal life, to plant life, to the oceans, to the vegetation that’s on the Earth, to the fowls that fly in the air, we need to have water as a part of the fundamental life cycle of Earth.

    As a matter of fact, water is portrayed as harmful, but there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that water is a harmful liquid. There isn’t one such study because water is not a harmful liquid. It is a harmless liquid. Water is natural. It is not harmful. It is a part of Earth’s life cycle. And yet we’re being told that we have to reduce this natural substance and reduce the American standard of living to create an arbitrary reduction in something that is naturally occurring in the Earth.

    1. PugglesRule

      BUT but but but but what about dihydrogen oxide?? I heard it's dangerous and needs to be abolished. Will you sign my petition to forbid the manufacture, use or exportation of dihydrogen oxide?

  19. starfanglednut

    Meanwhile, Mittens is in Ohio, safely away from danger, boxing up canned goods and taking donations to send to NJ. Not touring affected areas, not pitching in to help. Very presidential.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I think that even someone as tone-deaf as Romney knows that any attempt at a photo op by him would be The End.

    2. snowpointsecret

      At least nature decided to snow at him in protest. "DO YOU BELIEVE IN GLOBAL WARMING NOW, YOU PRICK?"

      Of course, when he answers no, the snow immediately changes over to rain, as if to mock him.

      (Actually, that's a pretty accurate description of my local weather this morning. Romney's just down the road about 10 miles in Kettering…)

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        "At least nature decided to snow at him in protest."

        "snow at him."


        …and follow.

    3. finallyhappy

      Yeah, maybe he'd like to come to Newark where I heard 95% of the people do not have power- because Newark would love to get some of Mittens

      1. tessiee

        Corey Booker doesn't have enough aggravation rescuing people, puppies, and kittens from the flood waters with his bare hands, he has to deal with Mitt and Ryan and their bullshit, too?

      1. SorosBot

        Anyway, Jersey will be going to Obama no matter what, as will New York, so why should Mitt concern himself with their fate?

  20. BaldarTFlagass

    I like how the Fox guy asked him if he had enough first responders, fire fighters and police and such. It would have even been better if he had asked the governor if he had enough teachers.

  21. MonkeyMotion

    Remind me, this frankenstorm is because Jeebus is mad at who? or what?

    Also, let me know when we can start thanking him profusely for saving someone. Or something.


  22. Detesticle

    "EXTREME WEATHER," says Fox's graphic — Hurricanes are like Dorritos and skateboarders. Now with more extreme.

  23. fuflans

    to get money and federal resources in here as fast as possible… gov. chris christie

    that should be the dems headline for the next week.

  24. gullywompr

    And Romney holds some weak-ass "storm relief" event (not a campaign event) in Ohio to ship cans of beans to NJ. But the Red Cros sez: “Unfortunately, due to logistical constraints the Red Cross does not accept or solicit individual donations or collections of items. Items such as collected food, used clothing and shoes must be sorted, cleaned, repackaged and transported which impedes the valuable resources of money, time, and personnel,”

    1. snowpointsecret

      Disclaimer: It was a campaign event he cancelled and quickly rescheduled as a "storm relief" event. It's been all over the local news here.

        1. snowpointsecret

          Considering how well it's been covered, I think only the hardcore Republicans have. Even the people in the middle (and some more moderate Republicans I've seen) kind of groaned at Romney's handling of this. I'm not sure it'll move the meter at all, it's just kind of like "yep, it's Mitt."

          1. gullywompr

            Nothing about this is going to make Romney look good, and everything about it is going to make Bamz look great. In other words, the polls won't budge at all.

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            Unfortunate, that. But you are right; in the end Bamz will still be blah and Romney will still be white.

    2. redarmyzombie

      So just to make things clear, even the Red Cross wants to bitch-slap Willard for his let-them-eat-cake idiocy?

    1. tessiee

      So will Ginnie Thomas.
      Actually, so will *Clarence* Thomas: *deep voice* Awwww, yeah! Walk nasty for me, Baby!

  25. elviouslyqueer

    Wow. If Christie had put just a little more force into that protracted "Do you think I give a damn about politics right now?" takedown, Brian Kilmeade's dick would've surgically removed itself and gotten on the first plane bound for Denmark.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Well, if not flying to Denmark, then at least it would have detached itself and headed on down to Second Avenue towards St. Mark's Place, where all those people sell used books and other junk on the street.

  26. CommieDad

    Mr. Christie is facing a disaster right now. He really does only care for providing the leadership necessary to rescue his people and rebuild his state. Praising Obama was his way of shouting out to Mitt that his involvement with the campaign is over. He has far far more important things to do, and he would prefer to do them with the President, thank you very much. The President is the one who called him, demonstrated that he cared for his people more than any previous disagreements, and offered him a blank check. A single act and moment of kindness can change a relationship.

  27. RedneckMuslin

    Oh come on! A 6 minute interview and nobody asked how Snooki's doing.

    They got a real situation there.

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      This was actually my first thought on waking up today. Sadly, I'm not kidding. I need to get out more (in the wind. For votes.)

    2. Negropolis

      I feel dirty for thinking about Snooki the first thing when I saw Seaside Heights had been destroyed. :(

  28. ElPinche


    1. Blueb4sinrise

      Awww c'mon, a couple people said nice things about the gross fuck, so he's actually way ahead of most people mentioned here..

  29. gullywompr

    “Remember, unsolicited donated goods such as used clothing, miscellaneous household items, and mixed or perishable foodstuffs require helping agencies to redirect valuable resources away from providing services to sort, package, transport, warehouse, and distribute items that may not meet the needs of disaster survivors”
    ~ FEMA


    1. finallyhappy

      So some MItt supporter (after he talked about his charitable donations) claimed the Mormons are the first at any disaster. I know it isn't true- but I asked if it was so they could baptize the dead?

    2. OneYieldRegular

      Holy Joseph Smith, the guy has more money than God but he's out standing under a Romney/Ryan sign collecting unneeded, unwanted cans instead of just writing a g-damn check?

      1. BadKitty904

        THANK you! Note not a single, freekin' *penny* of disaster relief has come from his many bank accounts, the cheap bastid*…

        * I love that word.

        1. gullywompr

          Better yet, let's see him get his ass down to the Red Cross office and give some blood. Some sweet, never-corrupted, Mormon blood.

        2. tessiee

          Hey, Romney!
          *a la Fran Drescher, which is my original accent anyway*

      2. HouseOfTheBlueLights

        I work in development, and this is the number one thing we have to tell disappointed people who want to do something "concrete." PLEASE do not send goods, or show up expecting to "volunteer" (RC disaster volunteers go through hundreds of hours of training). JUST SEND MONEY. And if you've got a lot of money, send a lot of money. In Mitten's defence, however, I think it's a bit of an Obama moment– if he sends money he looks like he's flaunting his wealth, if he doesn't he looks stingy. I'm going to be charitable and assume he did in fact send money and is choosing to remain anonymous. However, he could have just as easily staged an event to make this point, rather than promoting that people should do exactly the wrong thing.

  30. chascates

    Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
    Mean old levee taught me to weep and moan,
    Got what it takes to make a fat ass governor leave his home,
    Oh, well, oh, well, oh, well.

  31. BaldarTFlagass

    You know what else is a good thing? They caught that cannibal cop before this storm hit. It probably would have been the opportunity he was looking for.

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Yeah, but the chick would already be mixed in with the hamburger helper. This way, no one dies.

  32. An_Outhouse

    He's so busy he can't be bothered with Presidential politics but he has time to put his fat, angry mug on Faux.

  33. An_Outhouse

    I wonder what color the people on top of the mobile homes who could not predict a storm surge were? Given the amount of sympathy they were showed, I would guess they're white (trash).

  34. LibertyLover

    “no, I think I would prefer it if ol’ Mittens ate a dick instead!”

    I think that is a misquote… I distinctly remember him saying "corndog."

  35. TRDMC

    Could those Fox hand puppets have been any more disappointed by Christie's words of appreciation for the president? They looked like he'd just told them their program had been cancelled.

  36. kingcocrazy

    This is the biggest calamity to strike New Jersey since Gov. Christie's cousin, the Hindenburg, exploded in Lakehurst.

  37. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    They should try out that new technology where you can put critical information like the number for the crisis line at the bottom of the screen, right where the "Romney contemplates trip to inspect damage" banner was.

  38. SheriffRoscoe

    Hey Governor, how about we let those directly affected by the damage pay for all the clean-up and repair themselves, like tea party role model Ayn Rand would likely suggest. Hey if your lucky, maybe some church somewhere will pitch in some financial help, if they have anything left over after paying off their child molestation settlements, that is.

    And oh yeah, by the way, fuck you.

  39. finallyhappy

    Some local moron posted that the WH and the President are at fault for not putting on TV stations(local/national and cable) the kind of emergency information he thinks was needed- phone numbers and emergency radio info(whatever that is). Now I watched local news and there seemed to be an abundance of who to call/what to do but then I don't hate the President- and my understanding of American television is that it is not run by the President(because we Jews run all media). He also claimed that television and radio are the major sources of information if there are power outages(HUH???) so why are we being directed to websites? So I think this is a combo of I hate the Black guy and get off my lawn.

    1. tessiee

      "emergency radio info(whatever that is)"

      "The following is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System:
      This is only a test. Had this been a real emergency, you would have something something…"

      So, I guess all the radios in the NY/NJ households that have power are just going BEEEEEEP! now.

  40. ttommyunger

    Don't know why he's bothering to pave the way for 2016; he'll be dead of a massive coronary well before then.

  41. HarryButtle

    Thus Chris Christie strikes the coup de grace, thereby insuring his status as frontrunner in 2016.

    Keep an eye on this one, folks. He's crafty.


    From former FEMA Director Michael Brown, criticizing Obama:
    “One thing he’s gonna be asked is, why did he jump on [the hurricane] so quickly and go back to D.C. so quickly when in…Benghazi, he went to Las Vegas?” Brown says. “Why was this so quick?… At some point, somebody’s going to ask that question…. This is like the inverse of Benghazi.”

    1. Cleopatriot

      I would think HeckofaJob would try to lay low in situations like this and not remind us of him and his dancing horses. Because that reminds us of someone else who has a dancing horse and is collecting rubbish to impede disaster relief.

  43. mrbubb

    As Led Zep said, "when the levee breaks, momma you gotta fuck small government talking points and get some big government assistance."

  44. Fox n Fiends

    Redstate: "Bailout Christie praises Kenyan Usurper and Union Thuggs for killing a plum disaster capitalism opportunity in New Jersey"

  45. rickmaci

    For the next few days this week, the best way for the President to make the case he should keep his job is to do his job, as Gov. Krispy Kreme acknowledged he obviously has been doing. +1 Barak.

  46. randomsausage

    Christie only wants FEMA money so he can get his local McDonald's back up and running. I heard he sent some State Troopers to PA to get a Super Gordita from Tacky Bell.

  47. stly92

    I love how after Christie talks up the president fox and fiends mumble, "well, that's what we want to hear." Sorry conservatives, Sandygate denied!

    1. rickmaci

      Like Hurricane Sandy, Christie is a humongous force of nature. He blows his own path and anyone who is in the way should best move to safer ground.

  48. LagunaB

    Back the fuck off. I live in NJ. NYC is my home. We all hated Giuliani before 9/11 but he stood up and worked endlessly to get NYC back on it's feet.
    The damn storm came right through us.
    I am no fan if Christie but he has had nothing but nice things to say about Obama.
    I didn't criticize Giuliani then and I am not criticize Christie now.

      1. LagunaB

        Wanna come and help with my four downed trees? No?
        I'm a poll worker in the path of destruction of Sandy. We are trying to figure out how to make this all work. Bashing on Christie is not helping. It is not funny or snarky. I don't care what you think.

          1. LagunaB

            I have been through some crappy situations. I based my opinion of people on whether they would be a help or hinderance when things get bad. You would be a hinderance because you don't understand. Mr LagunaB's plant has lost power. This means no money coming in until there is power and the plant can be brought up. Don't know when that will be. I also make my money in South Jersey. Everything has been cancelled, so I will have no money coming in. I am tired, hunger, dirty and cold. So. STFU.

    1. tessiee

      In keeping with the regional vernacular, can we make fun of Gov. Christie if we start the sentence with, "Not for nothin', but…"?

    2. Negropolis

      I'm confused, but what's the problem? All I see is praise for Chris telling it like it is in this particularly circumstance. Oh yeah, and fat jokes, which are to be expected.

  49. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Well, I guess Christie is bigger man than I thought he was and for once I mean that in the nice way.

  50. Biel_ze_Bubba

    Christie: "Obama has done a great job for New Jersey"
    Faux: "That's exactly what we want to hear."

    I larfed.

  51. Negropolis

    He was just nervous that if he didn't get on television and show himself as a person that some of his residents would mistake him for a whale and try to push him back into the ocean.

    Free Christie!

    No, but seriously, now the Christie was more crafty than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made..

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