Shenanigans!Do you remember Justin Zatkoff? Well, why would you? The only reason we remember him is because he filed a DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Something) against us this weekend, making us remove the old picture (like 2006?) of his injuries after he’d been beaten up by people his asshole College Republican friends claimed far and wide were either “black Muslims” or “lesbians” or “feminists” or something but it turned out he just got his ass kicked by his high school buddies. Anyway, if he hadn’t reminded us, we never would have caught the obvious similarities between his story and this one, where a gay Republican (pictured above) told the police he had been choked and beaten up by liberals for being a gay Republican! But then, whoops, he had to recant on account of how he’d made it all up. Yeah, if Zatkoff hadn’t reminded us of his unfortunate past, we definitely would have gone with the far more memorable “Backwards B” girl in our lede instead.


So, gay Republican Kyle Wood of Wisconsin, what on earth is up with you man? Let us find out what you originally reported, from the Daily Caller, which (before putting up its update proclaiming the whole thing a lie, and for which we will not mock it, because WHOOO BEEN THERE!) ate up your story with a spoon:

Wood told The Daily Caller that vandalism preceding the assault, along with his attacker’s statements during the incident, suggested his sexual orientation and his politics each played a role.

“I was getting ready for work and there was a knock at the door,” Wood emailed The Daily Caller late Wednesday. “I opened it, and a guy wrapped a ligature around my neck, slammed my head into the doorway, and smashed my face into a mirror, telling me ‘You should have kept your [f*******] mouth shut.’”

“He then kidney-punched me, while at the same time saying I was ‘warned,’ and continued to beat me,” he added.

Man, that would have been really fucked up, if it had occurred in this non-alternate universe! But whyyyyy, Kyle Wood, why did they beat you? (Not beat you.)

Wood said his attacker’s reference to a warning likely pointed to graffiti he found painted on his car last week. The vandalism included the phrases “house trained republican faggot,” “traitor,” and “ur like a jew 4 hitler.”

Those slurs, he explained, were references to him being a gay Republican working to help Lee, a straight GOP candidate, defeat the openly gay Democrat Mark Pocan.

Wood claimed Pocan’s partner had sent him a bunch of threatening text messages too, which apparently did also not exist. Pocan and his partner are mulling a lawsuit.

Luckily, Wood had some inspirational words for the Daily Caller, before recanting his entirely bullshit story:

“I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday.

Aw, that’s nice.

[DailyPage / DailyCaller]

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  • nounverb911

    Has Mitt shaved "his" head yet?

  • I still do not understand why the universe invented "Gay Republican".

    • Self-hating people make the world go 'round.

    • kittensdontlie

      Just as much a conundrum is the "Poor Republican".

      • There's a lot more of those, but that may be from the unlucky streak of "Republican Administrations" the universe invented.

      • PsycWench

        Wouldn't "dumb" be a whole lot shorter to type?

    • PsycWench

      I'm in favor of shortening it to "Grapublican".

      • BoroPrimorac

        I'm in favor of ReGay. It sounds fashionable.

    • JustPixelz

      Possibility #1 : Gay man/woman who does not want to get married or have kids.
      Possibility #2 : Greed

    • hagajim

      The same one that invented sane and Republican nowadays.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Because stupid is not exclusive to the hetero population.

    • Toomush_Infer

      It sounded better than the truth: "Morbid Republican"….

    • Evolution inherently involves the occasional dead end. Catatonic shark, gay republican… potato, potato.

  • Not_So_Much

    It ends there? No list of what those "moral values" may be? It's not like that would've taken more than another line or two…

    • bikerlaureate


      Maybe that's supposed to whet our appetite for the upcoming tell-all book…

  • I stopped reading at "Gay Republican."

    • Yeah, if I wanted to read Fantasy, I'd find a story about the Successes of Trickle Down Economics on the American Enterprise Institute's website.

  • noodlesalad

    You mean there aren't roving bands of liberal gay thugs enforcing Obama's agenda? Why not?

    • deelzebub

      All fear the Ferragamo-booted Brown Fitted Gucci Shirts!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        The cultural descendants of the suede-denim secret police!

        • ChuckieJesus

          Today, we are all the uncool niece.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      There's a whole _city_ devoted to that. We like to call it "Chicago" (style politics).

    • kittensdontlie

      I was promised my donations were for that specific purpose.

    • kyeshinka

      As soon as he gives the word and finally lets us out…

    • PsycWench

      They're redecorating my house. They're almost done.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. Thugs? We much prefer "makeover artists," thank you very much.

    • We're on our OSHA mandated union coffee break. Still.

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      It started well, then they realized that thuggery messed up their nice shoes and shirts.

  • mavenmaven

    If he really really works on his lying skills, Kyle Wood could become a viable republican candidate some day.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Ligature? Kidney punch? These are seriously considered key words for a hapless victim to write out for reporters. He must have read a wicked bad detective novel before composing his story.

      • Biff

        Had he researched more thoroughly, the term "donkey punch" might've been uttered.

  • Barbara_

    Sorry that his gay car got vandalized. I'm sure he drives a Probe.

    • PsycWench

      Not a Hummer?

    • YasserArraFeck

      "Wash your car, Dude, it looks like shit……"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Just about any Ford car/truck will do if you add "Butt" first.

      Examples: Ranger, Explorer, Excursion, Expedition, Escort, Focus, Probe, Fiesta…

      • Nostrildamus

        You win the Internet today.

        • BaldarTFlagass

          No shit, that is out-fucking-standing.

          Too bad Oldsmobile went bust, a Butt Cutlass would have been pretty awesome.

      • iTuna


        • BaldarTFlagass

          Maybe he drives a pickup. Dodge Butt-Ram?

      • BoroPrimorac

        OMG, Butt Fiesta!!!!

        • bobbert

          It's a Butt-Festiva Miracle!!!

      • HempDogbane

        Now thinking about trading my Element.

        Edit: now reminiscing about my Duster from the old days.

        • bobbert

          My second car: a Butt Javelin.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Plymouth Butt Champ.

        [yes the Pymouth Champ existed. It was just like the….]

        Dodge Butt Colt.

        • BoroPrimorac

          My mom used to have a Mitsubishi Champ back in the day.

        • kingofmeh

          Butt Dart?

      • Biff

        Back to the Brony meme, Mustang…

        • Veritas78

          I think Mustang means something else.

    • You can be sure he's never been inside a Vulva.

  • BadKitty904

    They apparently write really long graffiti in Wisconsin…

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Damn English majors.

  • Dr. Matt

    You left out the part where he claimed all the 'Os' on his Oldsmobile were replaced with Obama 'Os'.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Dear lord, what a fantastic idea.

  • mille derps

    “I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday."

    No, you must payyyyyyy me to abandon them.

    • kittensdontlie

      His moral values have no real existence beyond his own imagining of them.

  • Correction: This house trained republican faggot is like a lying jew 4 hitler.

    • Redundancy alert, you used republican and lying in the same sentence.

  • Lot_49

    "ur like a jew 4 hitler"

    Yeah, right, gay terrorists always vandalize in Lolcat/text-message lingo.

    UR like a bullshitter for Tucker's pot-pie newsletter/blog.

    • mrpuma2u

      If they were REAL gay terrorists thugs, they would have derisively called him "Mary"

  • FakaktaSouth

    I support lying to make Tucker Carlson look like the fucking idiot trash dealer he is as a moral value that should not be abandoned (what the hell is this guy talking about really? Abortion?) Also, sue this guy, boyfriend of gay-candidate, please.

  • BadKitty904

    Hmmm. Looks like the evil gay thugs also stole his chin?

    • YasserArraFeck

      Chin was eroded by testicle abrasion

      • Hit in the chin with more balls than Yogi Berra and Liberace combined?

  • SorosBot

    But see, there have been many instances of Republicans vandalizing and threatening Democratic operatives, along with actual right-wing terrorist attacks, so we need some way to say, "both sides do it"!

    • Willardbot9000_V2.5

      yep…gotta dig the equivolency fallacy…it's a bit like when some wingnutted dingbat nutter blows up an abortion clinic and a group of gay people glitter bomb a wingnut politician…I've actually seen those equivocated before. But yes, right wing terrorists in the United States are no more severe or insane as liberal satirists….er, I mean terrorists! I also love the attacks by rightwingers on authoritarian studies utilizing equivolency…Professor Altemeyer who conducted the studies went in search of the "Loch Ness Monster" of politics, the lefty authoritarian…and guess what? none exist.

  • RomneysLogCabin

    I'm sorry buddy, but gays are the product of single mothers and are therefore illegitimate.

    May God forgive your sins.

  • Barbara_

    I can't wait for the update on this guy's story tomorrow where groups of people in disguise banged on his door and demanded candy and intimidated him.

    • PsycWench

      People whose shortness at first conceals their persevative nature, resourcefulness and volume.

      • Barbara_

        What about the one who yelled at him "smell my feet?" Must have been horrible.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      "Obama's at the front door!"

      "Oh, it's only Joey next door with a mask. But it could have been Obama. They're sneaky…"

  • MissTaken

    It's a sad day when a gay Republican has to resort to fake gay-bashing stories because no one is really gay-bashing him. I blame gay marriage.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I blame tolerance.

      (Well, mostly just indifference, especially in his case.)

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        "I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?"

  • Goonemeritus

    Meh- get back to me when he has the commitment to carve a letter into his own face.

    • MissTaken

      It will be a fabulous letter with lots of swirls and curlicues.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        But will it be scarlet?

      • bikerlaureate

        I had a joke here about serif fonts, but once again I back away in the presence of my betters.

    • OneYieldRegular


  • StillGoinGreen

    Has someone explained to this fucktoad that taking it in the culo places him at/near the egg-baby killer barrier in the eyes of his overlords?

    • doloras

      I hear some Republicans are prepared to accept some queermoes into their midst on the principle of "you're only gay if you take it".

  • Hammiepants

    This is what caused the hurricane, right?

    • JustPixelz

      The hurricane was God's will. Our efforts to protect lives and property will be punished.

    • elviouslyqueer

      But of course!

    • SnarkOff

      It starts with a lot of sucking and blowing….

  • qwerty42

    "Moral values" … well, there ya' go right there. Is he also opposed to teh ghey?

  • PsycWench

    Don't "moral values" include truthfulness for most people?

    • PugglesRule

      For Republicans, it's truthiness, not truthfulness.

      "The truth is whatever people will believe." ~ Roger Ailes, Fox "News"

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Do you remember Justin Zatkoff? Well, why would you? The only reason we remember him is because he filed a DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Something) against us

    Jatkoff clearly is desperate to keep his name in the news. It's very nice nice of you to help out a guy here, Wonkette. Maybe there's a little Koch money in this for him if enough news outlets re-run his original story?

    • Is your spellchecker down, I think you misspelled "Jackoff"

  • kyeshinka

    Beatings must have a liberal bias. Just like hurricanes and empty chairs.

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Wait a sec. Douche asked you to remove a photo that you posted SIX YEARS ago?! A bit slow on the uptake, huh?

  • poorgradstudent

    Hooray, Reason #168,084,581-B2 for me to have less than zero respect for Log Cabin Republcians.

  • PugglesRule

    I live in the 2nd Congressional District in Wisconsin, which I hope (nay, assume) Mark Pocan will win in a landslide next Tuesday. I have met Mark, though not his husband, Phil (they were married in Canada last year), and I can tell you he is the nicest guy in the world. I assume Phil is just as nice. The idea that anyone could say this kind of shit about Mark and Phil is beyond ridiculous. I hope they sue the pants-on-fire off this schmuck. No snark here, just outrage.

  • A new GOPer fairy (not in the ghey way) tale: "Teh Ghey who cried Liebrul Thug"

  • hagajim

    Is it really a surprise he just made this shit up? After all, Mitt's been making shit up for the past four years – and then he changes his mind and makes different shit up. The GOP has decided that the truth has no basis in reality.

    • PugglesRule

      Truth, to these guys, is whatever crazy ass thing they can say and not get called on. It's Gish Galloping without being in a debate.

    • bikerlaureate

      They're still taking advantage of the lag time. Eventually most media consumers will internalize what they've learned, and take in new statements from Republicans with the skepticism already in place.

  • elviouslyqueer

    house trained republican faggot

    *checks homo lexicon*

    Okay, I give up. I have no fucking idea what this means.

    • MissTaken

      At first I was thinking along the lines of 'house n****r', but then realized that wasn't it. I guess it's only the special republican gays that are potty-trained. The regular democratic gays must just piss and shit all over the place in Wisconsin.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I got that he doesn't piddle on the carpets, but…what do I know.

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Makes sense that his Republican overlords would rather he use the litter box. They like to watch.

    • He doesn't pee on the floor? Or maybe I'm thinking of "house broken"?

    • bikerlaureate

      Well, if you don't know…

      Maybe it's a reference to a musical genre. Did he go to DJ school ?

    • you need an updated homosexual agenda.

    • GregComlish

      Hunh. I just assumed that "house trained" means under the influence and discipline of the House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Anyone hear from TribecaMike?

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    A twisted cry for help. When Mitt repeals Obamacare he'll be able to get his therapy with apple-tinis in a dive bar and pay for it with car seat carnal congress.

  • First of all Kyle Wood (if that is your real name) — nobody mugs anybody by throwing a "ligature" around their neck — you've been reading too many spy novels from the goddamn closeout bin. Second, the gay liberal gangs that knock on your door sorta do the mugging thing, but it's more like they stand there and say, "While we're extremely disappointed in your party affiliation, we believe there's more than enough room in the Democratic Party for an out fiscal conservative in the 1980s pay-as-you-go definition of fiscal conservatism, not the current Grover Norquist no-tax-hikes-ever brinkmanship insanity that pervades the Republicans today. And we won't secretly think you're a hellbound fuckweasel for liking dick." Pretty intimidating, really.

    Of course, since you're already a lying creep, that vicious gang will probably rescind their invitation shortly.

    • "hellbound fuckweasel" for the fappin' Win~

    • Native_of_SL_UT

      It should have been real easy to confirm this story was bullshit. What kind of self-respecting gay thug would have just beat a guy up and not also bent him over for a little what-for.

  • RedneckMuslin

    What? You're a gay Republican? Come 'ere! Smack!

    • bikerlaureate

      Ha !
      Concise and full of win.

      That would still be kinder than making him read the GOP platform.

  • Ducksworthy

    Um. Listen liebruls. You may just have to admit that some gheys are submissive masochists who like having pointed objects shoved up their rectums and therefore vote Republican. If fact, now that I think about it, I suspect most GOP voters are suffering from some sort of erotic masochistic anal fantasy.

  • Is this the author of the book on schizophrenic sex changes, "The difference between us is more than a penis"? Just curious, and not that kind of curious.

  • There's a high probability that he's a cannibal.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I really want to know. Does his home harbor a fern in ANY corner?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, one thing is obvious, this guy isn't in to S&M.

  • Ruhe

    If you were a radicalized gay liberal what would be the strategic value of attacking a gay republican? The very existence of the "Log Cabin" republicans is a thorn in the side of the rest of the party, right? So, hey, gay republicans, be loud and be proud of your stupidity, greed and evident self-loathing. We love it.

  • ChuckieJesus

    I am seriously disappoint that Backwards B girl isn't LITERALLY a gay guy from Wisconsin, now. What can I say, with the other weird stuff in my reader, it isn't a far cry from the kind of shit that happens every day, apparently.

    You got the click-through because I was wondering if the surgery got rid of all the vestiges of the B.

    Then I read the real story and was all JESUS WEPT.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, I wondered if the B girl had gone all Chaz Bono, what with the ascension to prez of the black guy.

  • godhatesmedotcom

    Breitbart has still not updated their reporting of this:

    • lulzmonger

      *lunges toward fainting-couch*

  • Gorillionaire

    Nobody chanted "acid is groovy kill the pigs"?

  • gullywompr

    Who wraps a ligature? I mean, really…

  • BaldarTFlagass

    “I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday."

    It's OK dude; if you are a Republican, you don't have any moral values anyhow.

  • Tommmcatt_Again

    Ugly really does go straight to the bone, don't it?

  • elviouslyqueer

    *clutches pearls*

  • T3rbo

    This guy gets pretend beat up quite a bit for his sexual and political orientation. I am thinking he just has a drinking problem that he is trying to capitalize on. Once, when I was a young and idiotic soldier, I got kicked out of a strip club for saying stupid drunken things to the talent. One talented young dancer punched me in the eye and gave me a fat lip, and the bouncers put me in a cab back to the barracks. I got back to the barracks and found out that the bouncers beat me up and took all of my money, which I told to the Sargent on duty. The SGT was nice enough to pay the taxi driver and call the military police on post and tel them what happened. I was so drunk that I kind of believed my own story. Yes, I got my ass kicked, and yes, bouncers threw me out of a club, and yes, I didn't have any money left, but the combination of facts resulted in a very wrong story. So:

    This guy probably keeps getting beat up by gay guys when he is drunk because his sexual orientation does not match his politics, and he probably has a very loud mouth. I don't drink any more, he probably should not drink either.

    EDIT: yes, I was so drunk that I started crying when I was telling my confused drunken story about having my money stolen by bouncers…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      That's a very heartwarming story. Brought a tear to my eye and made me regret once again my getting out after only four short years.

    • finallyhappy

      I wasn't a dancer but I once punched a guy on a bus who grabbed my vjayjay. Someone said he was drunk(like I should forgive him for that?)

      • doloras

        I think people should be punished double for crimes they commit while drunk or fucked up on drugs.

        • T3rbo

          I disagree. We should use the established "proof" system to set mandatory minimum punishment. If you are using a 40 proof tequila, for example, the punishment should only be 40% of what the normal punishment should be, because you are operating at 40% capacity (for the sake of argument). So, if you punch a cop in the face, and the minimum jail time is 30 days in jail, you should be able to bring the 40 proof liquor bottle as evidence in court to request an adjustment in punishment. Appropriate punishment= (30 daysX.40), or 12 days in jail.

    • Negropolis

      And alcohol is really relevant to how we view this how?

      • T3rbo

        From the Wonkette 'story,' where this guy reported a similar hate crime in 2006: "But no, it was just retribution for him being a drunken asshole around his high-school buddies."
        I can't find the original story by following the links, so I trust the analysis of the story presented. The point of this wonkette blog post, and my commentary, is that this dipshit keeps getting beat up, and this person keeps falsely reporting these beatings as hate crimes perpetrated by liberal goons. I made the assumption that fake hate crime number one shared the all of the characteristics of fake hate crime number two. The characteristics, shown to be in common, are:
        This guy got beat up two times
        This guy reported the incidents as being hate crimes perpetrated by liberal goons

        The first incident involved alcohol, I assume, for the reasons stated. The second incident may have involved drink as well, as the two characteristics referenced above seem likely to come from alcohol abuse and not from any other un-observed character flaws.

        It may be easy to dismiss the two incidents of imaginary hate crimes as willful victimization, but it is much easier to view both incidents as acts of ridiculous drunken behavior.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Mr. Zatkoff, who was very nice on the phone"

    How come he has y'all's phone number but we the faithful do not? I would like to have the opportunity to drunk-text on those occasions that drunk-posting just isn't getting the job done.

  • BoroPrimorac

    That fucker is really, really ugly.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I just don't get it. A gay guy is helping campaign for a straight guy against a gay guy. "Vote for the straight guy, gay folks, because he obviously has your best interests at heart, unlike the gay guy."

  • WI is producing some weird ass shit this year.

  • UW8316154

    I wonder if Justin's called Google yet. Guess not, because it pops up a nice linky (and photo) at My guess is that he finally graduated and is having a tough time finding a "real" job when potential employers google his name.

    'Fueled by alcohol, Zatkoff was belligerent. "When Zatkoff drinks, he gets a little out of control," the report quoted one of Zatkoff's friends. "At this particular party Zatkoff was being obnoxious."'

  • ElPinche

    Jagoff..I mean Zatoff was nice on the phone until he briefly turned in Nicolas Cage:

    Zatkoff : "Hey have you ever been dragged to the sidewalk and beaten till you PISSED… BLOOD!"

  • DahBoner


    In Wisconsin, that means "string cheese"…

  • ElPinche

    BTW, Zatoff is way too ugly to be gay, or straight for that matter. He looks like a cross between Toxic Avenger and a summer sausage.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Thanks for using my (and others', I presume) suggestion, Rebecca! The first thing I thought of when I heard this story was backwards B girl.

  • OneYieldRegular

    As if any gay person other than a paid hustler would ever phone The Daily Caller.

  • ttommyunger

    Not to worry, it's not a "legitimate" beating if the beat-ee enjoys it.

  • GeorgiaMike

    Thankfully, most of the stupidz are already voting for Myth and Gilligan.

  • lulzmonger

    Just you wait until those rabid mobs of anti-war protestors start instituting their horrific pogrom of group-hugs & mandatory bong-hits!


    When ratfucking hoaxes are outlawed, only outlaws will have access to ratfucking hoaxes.
    Or something.

  • Biff


  • redarmyzombie

    …I will never understand these people…

  • rocktonsam

    Pocan worked for Tammy Baldwin while in congress and is running for her seat. He is really good people.

    this other guy, not so much

  • Veritas78

    If my name was Justin Zatkoff, I would change it, just a little.

  • How did y'all miss the name of the police Captain quoted in the Isthmus story? "Captain Joe Balles"?!?!?! Comedy Gold!!!!!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    "“I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values."

    In other words, he will bravely continue to advance the GOP agenda with lies and deception.

  • bureaucrap

    I was getting ready for work and there was a knock at the door,” Wood emailed The Daily Caller late Wednesday. “I opened it, and a guy wrapped a ligature around my neck, slammed my head into the doorway, and smashed my face into a mirror, telling me ‘You should have kept your [f*******] mouth shut.’”

    “He then kidney-punched me, while at the same time saying I was ‘warned,’ and continued to beat me,” he added.

    Since no one else said it, I will:

    He thought he was talking to "Playgirl Forum", and he wasn't complaining, he was bragging.

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