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Here Is Your New ‘Backwards B’ Girl, She Is A Gay Guy From Wisconsin

Shenanigans!Do you remember Justin Zatkoff? Well, why would you? The only reason we remember him is because he filed a DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Something) against us this weekend, making us remove the old picture (like 2006?) of his injuries after he’d been beaten up by people his asshole College Republican friends claimed far and wide were either “black Muslims” or “lesbians” or “feminists” or something but it turned out he just got his ass kicked by his high school buddies. Anyway, if he hadn’t reminded us, we never would have caught the obvious similarities between his story and this one, where a gay Republican (pictured above) told the police he had been choked and beaten up by liberals for being a gay Republican! But then, whoops, he had to recant on account of how he’d made it all up. Yeah, if Zatkoff hadn’t reminded us of his unfortunate past, we definitely would have gone with the far more memorable “Backwards B” girl in our lede instead.

Whoops.

So, gay Republican Kyle Wood of Wisconsin, what on earth is up with you man? Let us find out what you originally reported, from the Daily Caller, which (before putting up its update proclaiming the whole thing a lie, and for which we will not mock it, because WHOOO BEEN THERE!) ate up your story with a spoon:

Wood told The Daily Caller that vandalism preceding the assault, along with his attacker’s statements during the incident, suggested his sexual orientation and his politics each played a role.

“I was getting ready for work and there was a knock at the door,” Wood emailed The Daily Caller late Wednesday. “I opened it, and a guy wrapped a ligature around my neck, slammed my head into the doorway, and smashed my face into a mirror, telling me ‘You should have kept your [f*******] mouth shut.’”

“He then kidney-punched me, while at the same time saying I was ‘warned,’ and continued to beat me,” he added.

Man, that would have been really fucked up, if it had occurred in this non-alternate universe! But whyyyyy, Kyle Wood, why did they beat you? (Not beat you.)

Wood said his attacker’s reference to a warning likely pointed to graffiti he found painted on his car last week. The vandalism included the phrases “house trained republican faggot,” “traitor,” and “ur like a jew 4 hitler.”

Those slurs, he explained, were references to him being a gay Republican working to help Lee, a straight GOP candidate, defeat the openly gay Democrat Mark Pocan.

Wood claimed Pocan’s partner had sent him a bunch of threatening text messages too, which apparently did also not exist. Pocan and his partner are mulling a lawsuit.

Luckily, Wood had some inspirational words for the Daily Caller, before recanting his entirely bullshit story:

“I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday.

Aw, that’s nice.

[DailyPage / DailyCaller]

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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157 comments

    1. JustPixelz

      Possibility #1 : Gay man/woman who does not want to get married or have kids.
      Possibility #2 : Greed

  1. Not_So_Much

    It ends there? No list of what those "moral values" may be? It's not like that would've taken more than another line or two…

  2. mavenmaven

    If he really really works on his lying skills, Kyle Wood could become a viable republican candidate some day.

    1. NorthStarSpanx

      Ligature? Kidney punch? These are seriously considered key words for a hapless victim to write out for reporters. He must have read a wicked bad detective novel before composing his story.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Just about any Ford car/truck will do if you add "Butt" first.

      Examples: Ranger, Explorer, Excursion, Expedition, Escort, Focus, Probe, Fiesta…

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          No shit, that is out-fucking-standing.

          Too bad Oldsmobile went bust, a Butt Cutlass would have been pretty awesome.

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Plymouth Butt Champ.

        [yes the Pymouth Champ existed. It was just like the....]

        Dodge Butt Colt.

  3. mille derps

    “I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday."

    No, you must payyyyyyy me to abandon them.

  4. Lot_49

    "ur like a jew 4 hitler"

    Yeah, right, gay terrorists always vandalize in Lolcat/text-message lingo.

    UR like a bullshitter for Tucker's pot-pie newsletter/blog.

  5. FakaktaSouth

    I support lying to make Tucker Carlson look like the fucking idiot trash dealer he is as a moral value that should not be abandoned (what the hell is this guy talking about really? Abortion?) Also, sue this guy, boyfriend of gay-candidate, please.

  6. SorosBot

    But see, there have been many instances of Republicans vandalizing and threatening Democratic operatives, along with actual right-wing terrorist attacks, so we need some way to say, "both sides do it"!

    1. Willardbot9000_V2.5

      yep…gotta dig the equivolency fallacy…it's a bit like when some wingnutted dingbat nutter blows up an abortion clinic and a group of gay people glitter bomb a wingnut politician…I've actually seen those equivocated before. But yes, right wing terrorists in the United States are no more severe or insane as liberal satirists….er, I mean terrorists! I also love the attacks by rightwingers on authoritarian studies utilizing equivolency…Professor Altemeyer who conducted the studies went in search of the "Loch Ness Monster" of politics, the lefty authoritarian…and guess what? none exist.

  7. RomneysLogCabin

    I'm sorry buddy, but gays are the product of single mothers and are therefore illegitimate.

    May God forgive your sins.

  8. Barbara_

    I can't wait for the update on this guy's story tomorrow where groups of people in disguise banged on his door and demanded candy and intimidated him.

    1. Dudleydidwrong

      "Obama's at the front door!"

      "Oh, it's only Joey next door with a mask. But it could have been Obama. They're sneaky…"

  9. MissTaken

    It's a sad day when a gay Republican has to resort to fake gay-bashing stories because no one is really gay-bashing him. I blame gay marriage.

      1. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        "I think sharing is overrated too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?"

  10. StillGoinGreen

    Has someone explained to this fucktoad that taking it in the culo places him at/near the egg-baby killer barrier in the eyes of his overlords?

    1. doloras

      I hear some Republicans are prepared to accept some queermoes into their midst on the principle of "you're only gay if you take it".

    1. PugglesRule

      For Republicans, it's truthiness, not truthfulness.

      "The truth is whatever people will believe." ~ Roger Ailes, Fox "News"

  11. Lascauxcaveman

    Do you remember Justin Zatkoff? Well, why would you? The only reason we remember him is because he filed a DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Something) against us

    Jatkoff clearly is desperate to keep his name in the news. It's very nice nice of you to help out a guy here, Wonkette. Maybe there's a little Koch money in this for him if enough news outlets re-run his original story?

  12. Tequila Mockingbird

    Wait a sec. Douche asked you to remove a photo that you posted SIX YEARS ago?! A bit slow on the uptake, huh?

  13. poorgradstudent

    Hooray, Reason #168,084,581-B2 for me to have less than zero respect for Log Cabin Republcians.

  14. PugglesRule

    I live in the 2nd Congressional District in Wisconsin, which I hope (nay, assume) Mark Pocan will win in a landslide next Tuesday. I have met Mark, though not his husband, Phil (they were married in Canada last year), and I can tell you he is the nicest guy in the world. I assume Phil is just as nice. The idea that anyone could say this kind of shit about Mark and Phil is beyond ridiculous. I hope they sue the pants-on-fire off this schmuck. No snark here, just outrage.

  15. hagajim

    Is it really a surprise he just made this shit up? After all, Mitt's been making shit up for the past four years – and then he changes his mind and makes different shit up. The GOP has decided that the truth has no basis in reality.

    1. PugglesRule

      Truth, to these guys, is whatever crazy ass thing they can say and not get called on. It's Gish Galloping without being in a debate.

    2. bikerlaureate

      They're still taking advantage of the lag time. Eventually most media consumers will internalize what they've learned, and take in new statements from Republicans with the skepticism already in place.

  16. elviouslyqueer

    house trained republican faggot

    *checks homo lexicon*

    Okay, I give up. I have no fucking idea what this means.

    1. MissTaken

      At first I was thinking along the lines of 'house n****r', but then realized that wasn't it. I guess it's only the special republican gays that are potty-trained. The regular democratic gays must just piss and shit all over the place in Wisconsin.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Makes sense that his Republican overlords would rather he use the litter box. They like to watch.

    2. GregComlish

      Hunh. I just assumed that "house trained" means under the influence and discipline of the House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

  17. SigDeFlyinMonky

    A twisted cry for help. When Mitt repeals Obamacare he'll be able to get his therapy with apple-tinis in a dive bar and pay for it with car seat carnal congress.

  18. SayItWithWookies

    First of all Kyle Wood (if that is your real name) — nobody mugs anybody by throwing a "ligature" around their neck — you've been reading too many spy novels from the goddamn closeout bin. Second, the gay liberal gangs that knock on your door sorta do the mugging thing, but it's more like they stand there and say, "While we're extremely disappointed in your party affiliation, we believe there's more than enough room in the Democratic Party for an out fiscal conservative in the 1980s pay-as-you-go definition of fiscal conservatism, not the current Grover Norquist no-tax-hikes-ever brinkmanship insanity that pervades the Republicans today. And we won't secretly think you're a hellbound fuckweasel for liking dick." Pretty intimidating, really.

    Of course, since you're already a lying creep, that vicious gang will probably rescind their invitation shortly.

    1. Native_of_SL_UT

      It should have been real easy to confirm this story was bullshit. What kind of self-respecting gay thug would have just beat a guy up and not also bent him over for a little what-for.

  19. Ducksworthy

    Um. Listen liebruls. You may just have to admit that some gheys are submissive masochists who like having pointed objects shoved up their rectums and therefore vote Republican. If fact, now that I think about it, I suspect most GOP voters are suffering from some sort of erotic masochistic anal fantasy.

  20. boskolives

    Is this the author of the book on schizophrenic sex changes, "The difference between us is more than a penis"? Just curious, and not that kind of curious.

  21. Ruhe

    If you were a radicalized gay liberal what would be the strategic value of attacking a gay republican? The very existence of the "Log Cabin" republicans is a thorn in the side of the rest of the party, right? So, hey, gay republicans, be loud and be proud of your stupidity, greed and evident self-loathing. We love it.

  22. ChuckieJesus

    I am seriously disappoint that Backwards B girl isn't LITERALLY a gay guy from Wisconsin, now. What can I say, with the other weird stuff in my reader, it isn't a far cry from the kind of shit that happens every day, apparently.

    You got the click-through because I was wondering if the surgery got rid of all the vestiges of the B.

    Then I read the real story and was all JESUS WEPT.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, I wondered if the B girl had gone all Chaz Bono, what with the ascension to prez of the black guy.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    “I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday."

    It's OK dude; if you are a Republican, you don't have any moral values anyhow.

  24. T3rbo

    This guy gets pretend beat up quite a bit for his sexual and political orientation. I am thinking he just has a drinking problem that he is trying to capitalize on. Once, when I was a young and idiotic soldier, I got kicked out of a strip club for saying stupid drunken things to the talent. One talented young dancer punched me in the eye and gave me a fat lip, and the bouncers put me in a cab back to the barracks. I got back to the barracks and found out that the bouncers beat me up and took all of my money, which I told to the Sargent on duty. The SGT was nice enough to pay the taxi driver and call the military police on post and tel them what happened. I was so drunk that I kind of believed my own story. Yes, I got my ass kicked, and yes, bouncers threw me out of a club, and yes, I didn't have any money left, but the combination of facts resulted in a very wrong story. So:

    This guy probably keeps getting beat up by gay guys when he is drunk because his sexual orientation does not match his politics, and he probably has a very loud mouth. I don't drink any more, he probably should not drink either.

    EDIT: yes, I was so drunk that I started crying when I was telling my confused drunken story about having my money stolen by bouncers…

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      That's a very heartwarming story. Brought a tear to my eye and made me regret once again my getting out after only four short years.

    2. finallyhappy

      I wasn't a dancer but I once punched a guy on a bus who grabbed my vjayjay. Someone said he was drunk(like I should forgive him for that?)

        1. T3rbo

          I disagree. We should use the established "proof" system to set mandatory minimum punishment. If you are using a 40 proof tequila, for example, the punishment should only be 40% of what the normal punishment should be, because you are operating at 40% capacity (for the sake of argument). So, if you punch a cop in the face, and the minimum jail time is 30 days in jail, you should be able to bring the 40 proof liquor bottle as evidence in court to request an adjustment in punishment. Appropriate punishment= (30 daysX.40), or 12 days in jail.

      1. T3rbo

        From the Wonkette 'story,' where this guy reported a similar hate crime in 2006: "But no, it was just retribution for him being a drunken asshole around his high-school buddies."
        I can't find the original story by following the links, so I trust the analysis of the story presented. The point of this wonkette blog post, and my commentary, is that this dipshit keeps getting beat up, and this person keeps falsely reporting these beatings as hate crimes perpetrated by liberal goons. I made the assumption that fake hate crime number one shared the all of the characteristics of fake hate crime number two. The characteristics, shown to be in common, are:
        This guy got beat up two times
        This guy reported the incidents as being hate crimes perpetrated by liberal goons

        The first incident involved alcohol, I assume, for the reasons stated. The second incident may have involved drink as well, as the two characteristics referenced above seem likely to come from alcohol abuse and not from any other un-observed character flaws.

        It may be easy to dismiss the two incidents of imaginary hate crimes as willful victimization, but it is much easier to view both incidents as acts of ridiculous drunken behavior.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    "Mr. Zatkoff, who was very nice on the phone"

    How come he has y'all's phone number but we the faithful do not? I would like to have the opportunity to drunk-text on those occasions that drunk-posting just isn't getting the job done.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    I just don't get it. A gay guy is helping campaign for a straight guy against a gay guy. "Vote for the straight guy, gay folks, because he obviously has your best interests at heart, unlike the gay guy."

  27. UW8316154

    I wonder if Justin's called Google yet. Guess not, because it pops up a nice linky (and photo) at michigandaily.com. My guess is that he finally graduated and is having a tough time finding a "real" job when potential employers google his name.

    'Fueled by alcohol, Zatkoff was belligerent. "When Zatkoff drinks, he gets a little out of control," the report quoted one of Zatkoff's friends. "At this particular party Zatkoff was being obnoxious."'

  28. ElPinche

    BTW, Zatoff is way too ugly to be gay, or straight for that matter. He looks like a cross between Toxic Avenger and a summer sausage.

  29. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Thanks for using my (and others', I presume) suggestion, Rebecca! The first thing I thought of when I heard this story was backwards B girl.

  30. lulzmonger

    Just you wait until those rabid mobs of anti-war protestors start instituting their horrific pogrom of group-hugs & mandatory bong-hits!

    LIBERAL FASCISM ISREAL SHEEPLE!

    When ratfucking hoaxes are outlawed, only outlaws will have access to ratfucking hoaxes.
    Or something.

  31. rocktonsam

    Pocan worked for Tammy Baldwin while in congress and is running for her seat. He is really good people.

    this other guy, not so much

  32. Biel_ze_Bubba

    "“I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values."

    In other words, he will bravely continue to advance the GOP agenda with lies and deception.

  33. bureaucrap

    I was getting ready for work and there was a knock at the door,” Wood emailed The Daily Caller late Wednesday. “I opened it, and a guy wrapped a ligature around my neck, slammed my head into the doorway, and smashed my face into a mirror, telling me ‘You should have kept your [f*******] mouth shut.’”

    “He then kidney-punched me, while at the same time saying I was ‘warned,’ and continued to beat me,” he added.

    Since no one else said it, I will:

    He thought he was talking to "Playgirl Forum", and he wasn't complaining, he was bragging.

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