Do you remember Justin Zatkoff? Well, why would you? The only reason we remember him is because he filed a DMCA (Digital Millennium Copyright Something) against us this weekend, making us remove the old picture (like 2006?) of his injuries after he’d been beaten up by people his asshole College Republican friends claimed far and wide were either “black Muslims” or “lesbians” or “feminists” or something but it turned out he just got his ass kicked by his high school buddies. Anyway, if he hadn’t reminded us, we never would have caught the obvious similarities between his story and this one, where a gay Republican (pictured above) told the police he had been choked and beaten up by liberals for being a gay Republican! But then, whoops, he had to recant on account of how he’d made it all up. Yeah, if Zatkoff hadn’t reminded us of his unfortunate past, we definitely would have gone with the far more memorable “Backwards B” girl in our lede instead.
So, gay Republican Kyle Wood of Wisconsin, what on earth is up with you man? Let us find out what you originally reported, from the Daily Caller, which (before putting up its update proclaiming the whole thing a lie, and for which we will not mock it, because WHOOO BEEN THERE!) ate up your story with a spoon:
Wood told The Daily Caller that vandalism preceding the assault, along with his attacker’s statements during the incident, suggested his sexual orientation and his politics each played a role.
“I was getting ready for work and there was a knock at the door,” Wood emailed The Daily Caller late Wednesday. “I opened it, and a guy wrapped a ligature around my neck, slammed my head into the doorway, and smashed my face into a mirror, telling me ‘You should have kept your [f*******] mouth shut.’”
“He then kidney-punched me, while at the same time saying I was ‘warned,’ and continued to beat me,” he added.
Man, that would have been really fucked up, if it had occurred in this non-alternate universe! But whyyyyy, Kyle Wood, why did they beat you? (Not beat you.)
Dr. Gundry reveals the top 3 common foods that you would have never guessed were the cause of your fatigue.
Wood said his attacker’s reference to a warning likely pointed to graffiti he found painted on his car last week. The vandalism included the phrases “house trained republican faggot,” “traitor,” and “ur like a jew 4 hitler.”
Those slurs, he explained, were references to him being a gay Republican working to help Lee, a straight GOP candidate, defeat the openly gay Democrat Mark Pocan.
Wood claimed Pocan’s partner had sent him a bunch of threatening text messages too, which apparently did also not exist. Pocan and his partner are mulling a lawsuit.
Luckily, Wood had some inspirational words for the Daily Caller, before recanting his entirely bullshit story:
“I will not be bullied, intimidated or threatened into abandoning my moral values,” Wood told TheDC late Wednesday.
Aw, that’s nice.