Ann Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did!
Good Housekeeping was also kind enough to ask Ann to parrot back the issue she “feels most passionate about” (a ladymag term of art entirely distinct and several from the issue ‘closest to one’s heart’); the soon-to-be-forgotten candidate’s wife successfully pouted that she just can’t wait to keep “working with at-risk youth [barf] and recognizing that every child is a child of God [retch],” while lamenting that “some of those children are being left behind [multi-orifice hemorrhage].” Luckily, as Mitt’s top education adviser, Ann has spent the past ten years crafting an intricate and novel solution to the Children’s imminent intellectual demise:
We need to throw out the [educational] system.
And, honestly, who better than casual looker-on Ann Romney to airily intone in our general direction that we should really just get rid of last season’s dingy educational system? In the few molecules of reality we share with Ann and her husband, this plan totally, totally makes sense. But if you’re still struggling with the nuances by the time you reach this sentence, please ask a privately educated colleague to break things down for you, with FunForms.
Anyway, Ann’s Plan is pretty much your average, boilerplate, old rich person Solution From On High. So let us turn instead to the fact that the former First Lady of a State also told Good Housekeeping her “heroes”/”role models” are Eleanor Roosevelt, Hillary Clinton, and Mother Teresa. Yes, please do feel obligated to speculate wildly about the implications of this declaration in the comments below. [Good Housekeeping via Think Progress]