in your heart you know she's wrong

Ann Romney Still Horrible

Ain't Too Proud to PegAnn Romney, who campaign officials claim is the kinder, warmer, more approachable half of the nation’s premier battery-powered couple, recently revealed to Good Housekeeping magazine that the issue “closest to her heart” is “bringing real change to our educational system,” a system with which Ann first became familiar while serving as, in her words, “First Lady of a State” (sounds fancy) at the tender age of 52, after her children were safely out of reach of the evil public school teachers’ covens/unions. Long story short, guys, Ann is now basically a Ph.D. in “what happens to people’s lives if they don’t get a proper education” like she and everyone she marries, raises, or sponsors in the Olympics did!

Good Housekeeping was also kind enough to ask Ann to parrot back the issue she “feels most passionate about” (a ladymag term of art entirely distinct and several from the issue ‘closest to one’s heart’); the soon-to-be-forgotten candidate’s wife successfully pouted that she just can’t wait to keep “working with at-risk youth [barf] and recognizing that every child is a child of God [retch],” while lamenting that “some of those children are being left behind [multi-orifice hemorrhage].” Luckily, as Mitt’s top education adviser, Ann has spent the past ten years crafting an intricate and novel solution to the Children’s imminent intellectual demise:

We need to throw out the [educational] system.

And, honestly, who better than casual looker-on Ann Romney to airily intone in our general direction that we should really just get rid of last season’s dingy educational system? In the few molecules of reality we share with Ann and her husband, this plan totally, totally makes sense. But if you’re still struggling with the nuances by the time you reach this sentence, please ask a privately educated colleague to break things down for you, with FunForms.

Anyway, Ann’s Plan is pretty much your average, boilerplate, old rich person Solution From On High. So let us turn instead to the fact that the former First Lady of a State also told Good Housekeeping her “heroes”/”role models” are Eleanor Roosevelt, Hillary Clinton, and Mother Teresa. Yes, please do feel obligated to speculate wildly about the implications of this declaration in the comments below. [Good Housekeeping via Think Progress]

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    1. Lascauxcaveman

      So basically Ann is in favor of leaving children behind?

      Pretty much all of them, Katie.

      Well, 99% or thereabouts, anyway.

  1. Pragmatist2

    Education is fine so long as it does not include the facts of evolution or global warming or the fact that sometimes people of the same gender fall in love. Actually, education is fine so long as you leave the facts out generally.

    1. Toomush_Infer

      Um, or sciency things, or (hahahaha) literature (not taught now, anyway) so any English class not just based on grammar lessons, or, of course, art and music (not necessary for pursuit of big bux), or unsanctioned history, or government (above 99% of folks' pay grade), ……..that's pretty much it, I think….

      1. MosesInvests

        And bullying of blacks, Latinos, Jews, Asians, gays, nerds and anyone else who isn't "cool" back into the curriculum for everyone.

      2. Chet Kincaid_

        Ann can achieve climax simply from a white glove inspection of the kitchen staff's silverware-polishing work. The more humiliated they are, the better it feels!

    2. bikerlaureate

      And those teachers, whose unions want to reduce class size only in order to employ more teachers.

      And the federal Department of Education, natch.

  2. Tom

    Shorter Ann Romney: If you can't afford the best education for your children (like we did) then you don't deserve one.

    1. PugglesRule

      She has an interesting take on public education for someone who has never attended public schools herself (nor her husband, nor their sons).

  3. Texan_Bulldog

    Hmmm…two Democratic former first ladies of great accomplishment and a saint. This does not compute. I figured her role models were Jeebus, Mother Mary & Willard.

    1. walterhwhite

      Mormons pretty much ignore Jeebus and definitely ignore Mother Mary. And I assume you mean Willard, the kids with the rats.

  4. FakaktaSouth

    I would like to tell Ann Romney what I think of her, with Michael Bloomberg's press conference sign language translating lady at my side. (anybody else see her? She's my new favorite person in the world) I feel she would be incredibly good at expressing just how hard I want for Ann to kiss my ass, while I just scream like a maniac.

    1. actor212

      She looks pissed all the time but I suspect she might have some sort of palsy. Either that, or well, she's working for Bloomberg, so there you have it

    2. ThundercatHo

      That lady should get some kind of award. She is the best sign language translating person ever! In fact, every boring-ass politician should have her standing next to them so the audience will be entertained instead of lulled into a coma.

    3. ThundercatHo

      We could not take our eyes off of her. My husband and I were laughing and punching each other like 13 year olds.

      1. Texan_Bulldog

        I agree. I barely even looked at Bloomberg although I noticed that Jezebel posted on their FB feed that Bloomie might have been blooming under his pants for an earlier press conference. I admit that I did look for that, too. Link can't be brought up because Jezebel's site is down due to the storm.

      2. Ground Zero Mostel

        Wow. Coincidentally, I just saw the Bloomberg video before checking on my Wonkette and found myself absolutely riveted by the ASL. It was so vivid even without knowing the language I could see word for word what she was translating.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        Oh yay, she has a name! Lydia Callis DID win it all, and made me laugh that giddy crazy person laugh of the way stressed.

        1. ThundercatHo

          My son is graduating from high school in June, wouldn't it be awesome if she gave the commencement speech? That shit is always so boring and expected.

          1. MissTaken

            Bloomberg and his Boner could show up, too. That would be weird and disgusting, definitely not boring and expected.

    4. BaldarTFlagass

      They had a couple of ASL translators in the arena when I saw Tom Petty & Heartbreakers up in Austin last May. I'm not quite sure what that's about, but it seemed cool.

      1. MosesInvests

        Lot of Deaf folks here in ATX, because of Texas School for the Deaf. In fact, that's a big reason why I moved here, so my son could go to TSD. Of course, now he's at Model Secondary School for the Deaf in DC-got a four-day weekend.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I guess the thing that crossed my mind was, how many deaf people attend music concerts? It's sort of like "Why are there braille keys on the drive-thru ATMs?"

          1. mmeetoilenoir

            The deaf can feel the music and beat, see the lights, feel the energy of the crowd, etc. The concert-going experience is more than just the music.

          2. BaldarTFlagass

            Thank you for that information; I'd always wondered what it would be like to go through life without being able to hear music, glad to hear that deaf people can at least experience part of it…

          3. MosesInvests

            What you said. Actually, a lot of Deaf people can hear at least a little-but even the profoundly Deaf, like my son, can feel the beat. When he was a toddler, he used to crank the stereo to full volume and put his hands on the speakers.

          4. LagunaB

            They can feel the music and walk-ups. In HS one of my friends was deaf. She read lips and closed her eyes if you yelled at her. And then smiled if you stomped your foot which made you laugh and she would open her eyes.

    5. reliefsinn

      I loved the facial expressions she added to the translation, the way her hands moved to signify "waves", I believe, was a thing of beauty.

      1. MosesInvests

        Facial expressions are actually a big part of ASL. In fact, sometimes grammar is conveyed by facial expression. Example: eyebrows up=open-ended question, and eyebrows down=yes/no question.

    6. Walter_White

      Wow, I thought I was the only one who really got caught up with the sign language lady. I thought she was letting the not hearing (what do we call the deaf today?) in on something the rest of us should have knowed. She is the bestest!

  5. Lucidamente1

    "My role models are Eleanor Roosevelt, Hillary Clinton, and Mother Teresa. By which I mean Pat Nixon, Nancy Reagan, and Imelda Marcos."

    1. OneYieldRegular

      Ann Romney's own education must have been severely lacking if she can hold those three women as her role models and still support the policies her husband wants to put into place.

  6. Barbara_

    Ann Romney's only task in life is to remember the lyric's to the "Kokomo" song so that she can remind Mitt where the banks accounts are located.

    1. BerkeleyBear

      Yeah, but there's no way in hell she'd actually go anywhere near Kokomo, Indiana – which is one thing I have in common with her (although in my case it is because I've already made the trip once, and that was enough).

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I like how they built a highway bypass around the downtown business district, and then the whole downtown business district moved out to the bypass, and there are 20-some-odd traffic lights on the bypass. They need another highway bypass around the highway bypass.

  7. Indiepalin

    Final Jeopardy answer: "Horses and bayonettes"

    Final Jeopardy question: "Name two things Ann Romney would take up the ass before taking Mitt's weener"

    1. UnholyMoses

      Buttsechs? On Wonkette?!?

      I am shocked — SHOCKED!! — to read about such a thing on this site.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Yes, it's hard to work up any real concern for people who can't be bothered to take care of the essentials.

  8. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    As a product of 17 years of public schools/state univiersity and also as a former at-risk youth, I would like to invite Ann to go get fucked.

    1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Yes, before some smartass comments, I never learned to type or proof read during my public education.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        When the usage is perfect, I can live with typos.

        They hasn't no cons figured that out nohow.

        1. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Thanks! For the rest of the day I am going to tell people that my writing is often compared to Shakespeare.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      20 years and counting of public schooling, and an apparent latch key kid here (I had no idea it was a bad thing – and it saved my mom's sanity to go back to work) so yeah, Ann can STFU.

    3. PsycWench

      Roughly 20 years here. I teach at a private school now but we throw around enough scholarship money that it's roughly equivalent to the big state school down the road.

  9. Mumbletypeg

    "Ann Romney Still Horrible"

    And you're still writing for wonkette! Hiya, Kaia — I was missing your writing contributions here once I sat up straight and started paying attention to things like, names.

    1. Post author

      Thank you! But come now — I could never leave without saying goodbye, just like I could never start without not saying hello. Blame public education.

  10. ThundercatHo

    After a chat with her new BFF, Calista, Egg decided that poor children could learn a lot by mucking out horse stalls.

    1. Walter_White

      Ha-Ha. Just the idea of "mucking out horse stalls" brings me to laughing. What a jolly administration this will be after they don't win the election, but take power anyway as Bush did.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Carl: Oh Mrs. Crane, you're a little monkey woman. Yeah, you're lean, mean, and I bet you're not too far in between are ya. How'd you like to wrap your…

  11. HempDogbane

    "We need to throw out the [educational] system." Given that somewhere near half the voting public favors her husband for President, she may have a point.

  12. editor

    as an educator, who has had a proper education and is employed in the soon to be eliminated educational system, i have to say "nyah" and "ick poo" to this.

  13. fawkedifiknow

    Still, no mention of the sainted "troops." It is probably too late, but she needs to go back to Phony and Insincere Candidate Wife School.

    1. zumpie

      Needz more "want some candy" and "have a good day". Janna Ryan, once the apprentice, is now the master!

    1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

      This. I'm in Illinois, where we are paying for not one, but two legislators on extended medical leave. And Senator Kirk, who has been drawing a salary and getting millions of dollars in tax-payer funded rehab, is going to go back to Washington so that the first thing he can do is try to get rid of the health care law that is going to keep me from losing my house.

      Sorry, didn't need to get all serious on Wonkette. Also.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        Funny how Jesse Jr. goes scurrying off in a relapse to the Mayo Clinic every time they start sniffing around a new questionable stinkpile. He's my rep, but I poked the Independent when I early-voted.

        1. HouseOfTheBlueLights

          The problem is he can't resign because there's no one left who didn't try to buy the Senate seat.

  14. Loch_Nessosaur

    Will Egg be heading to India after Miffed loses the election to minister to the poorz like Mother Teresa or is her hero worshiping just from afar?

  15. Fare la Volpe

    Shorter Ann: "Greetings, hyoo-mon child. Don't you hate your faciliated learning centers? Wouldn't you like to labor in the spice mines of Kolob 4? There will be delicious eggs and battery acid."

    1. StillGoinGreen

      She is speaking of the poor lost souls who spawn from Harvard Daddies, but alas, could only get into Penn.


  16. Toomush_Infer

    Soooo……pretty much what we did to the Post Office….?….farm out all the best kids to private religious schools and defund the public "option"….? I'm in! Then when the Muslins take over, we can have the good old religious war that last book of Made Up Yahweh requires….

  17. StillGoinGreen

    Ann views education just as her husband does, "If we only look at the places where the median income is 4X that of the country, and if we only focus on states that have student bodies smaller than one high school in NYC, and if we take credit for accomplishments that took place 10 years before we came to office – bingo bango bongo, FIXED!"

  18. LibertyLover

    Is bringing "real change to our educational system" code for giving out vouchers? Coz it totally sounds like code for giving out vouchers.

  19. Mumbletypeg

    Ann is [for the moment] achieving the unthinkable: making Dubya look more in-touch-with-reality in comparison to Mitt for at least having the smarts to marry a librarian and raise a daughter with public school teaching within her grasp.

  20. boskolives

    Ann is my choice for birth control, one look at her smug and I get a not-so-hard-on, so if you believe that life begins at erection, it's all over. Well, all over the sheets anyway.

  21. BlueStateLibel

    Spoken like a woman who's never worked a day in her life. Does one really need an education for ordering around housekeepers, nannies, and horse groomers? I think not.

    1. Post author

      Depends on how flexible you are and whether you requested your vouchers in small denominations.

  22. hagajim

    I just love when people who have never been exposed or involved in the education system think they have all the answers. Fuck!

  23. Lot_49

    Where was Rafalca educated?

    Probably here. Is it unionized? Is it a charter school? C'mon, Ann—tell us the truth.

    Uh-oh: look there on the crest: bundesgestüt, which means "state stud farm." Socializms!

  24. LibertyLover

    I think Egg's interpretation of a good education for children only includes a brief tutorial during their lunch period after working on the factory floor.

  25. valthemus

    Sacrifice chickens and goats to Airiratta, Goddess of Pigeons, and pray she will command her winged minions to deposit their bodily wastes on Ann Romney's cars, homes, and Chanel jackets.

  26. Toomush_Infer

    Please! This could work! With all the out-of-work teachers she's intending, I bet I could pick several great ones to home school my nephew….and they could tend the gardens besides! Now all I have to do is set aside a few hobo beans every week….they could eat with Mrs. Toomush and me, and wash the dishes, too! Yea, Ann!…..

  27. zumpie

    Snark off – it's really fascinating to me that all the people always repeating all the urban myths and expressing the most concern about our current, decaying educational system don't actually have children in them.

    A FB friend recently insisted to me all these things all the evil NYC teachers do to children and how powerless parents are to fight it, unless they have unlimited funds to hire an attorney. Since everything she claimed espressly violated the city's handbook and were blatantly illegal, I explained the fairly easy, either free (or working on a contingency) route any parent can take in such circumstances, she unfriended me.

    There are about 12 billion things I would change about my daughter's school district, but none of the bullshit all these morons spew.

    1. PugglesRule

      But only with birth control so it doesn't produce any more Mormons because, also, too many already!

  28. ph7

    If everyone went to college, they too can meet a meet a millionaire, sire his children, and never work again. If the 47 percenters had just done this, they wouldn't be so needy.

  29. thatsitfortheother1

    I just love when people who have never been exposed or involved in the government system think they have all the answers.

    Works on many levels.

  30. Cleopatriot

    Isn't she going to be too busy as Ambassador to the Women of America (since her husband will be President of the People Who Matter). I say they leave the problems of the children to Tagg or Bristol or Rafalca.

  31. ManchuCandidate

    In most nations with decent publik edumakashun systems. the teachers are paid a living wage and respected (sort of… maybe not) while 1%ers go without that 10th summer home.

    Only in US Amercia, where the only way to save the publik edumakashun system is to blow it up and put all the teachers on welfare so that 1%ers never go without a 10th or 11th summer home.

  32. SorosBot

    What do the peons need with an education when they'll be making 50 cents an hour for 14 hours a day, 7 days a week in special worker's compounds once Mitt institutes China's labor policy anyway?

  33. StillGoinGreen

    In other news, Bain Capital just purchased a fledgling voucher printing company in Pascagoula, MS, with eyes on moving it to China somewhere near the first of the year.

  34. BadKitty904

    Egg could paraphrase the Duke of Wellington: "Public education will only encourage the common people to think needlessly."

  35. elviouslyqueer

    I was a woman who could handle life pretty well, and I was very accomplished in a lot of things. And all of a sudden, bam, everything's taken away from you. You say, "I'm no good to anybody. I can't even take care of myself." But then I turned outside of myself, thanks to my husband, my faith, and — oddly enough — my horses.

    Um, Ann? Turning to your HORSES as one source of solace during your illness pretty much negates your whole "I had everything taken away from me" bathos. Just saying.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, having a horse is not like having a Pomeranian, which you can feed with table scraps and can even sleep with you in your bed.

  36. arduinohacker

    Oops, Egg maybe shudda done some research about the party affiliations and alleged sexual leanings of the first two ladies, and Omoletting Egg know she should have read Mother Theresa's autobiography, especially the parts about helping the poor even though having lost the faith at an early age.

  37. BerkeleyBear

    So her role models are the Dem bi-sexual founder of the UN whose husband was a cheating horndog, the Dem ballsy as hell Sec. State whose hubby was a cheating horndog, and an Albanian nun who denied food to starving people if they wouldn't accept Jesus and claimed to be "married" to a deity that knocked up an engaged virgin? What exactly is Ann trying to tell us about Mitt – are there going to Second, Third and Fourth Ladies too? And her own intent to co-rule the WH?

  38. Detesticle

    Under Mormon principles, Ann is against "oral" exams since they are an "unholy practice" — including the ones that would benefit her. Imagine what a dick you would be if you went your whole life without receiving an oral exam.

  39. pac

    In those pictures, after the third debate, every time Mitt reached out to touch someone
    ….and quite naturally those someones recoiled in abject horror……Mitt almost fell off the stage….. into the void left by those retreating survivalist. Ann went around behind him holding him from falling forward. Every time he leaned forward she held his butt. Behind every mediocre man……is a really really odd woman…….

  40. HistoriCat

    multi-orifice hemorrhage

    this may be the most amazing phrase to be read on Wonkette since "tongue-punched in the fartbox"

  41. Ducksworthy

    And why aren't the sacred teachings of Joseph Smith covered in the normal grade school curriculum?

  42. Come here a minute

    So Ann Romney, Eleanor Roosevelt, Hillary Clinton, and Mother Teresa walk into a bar. Can you guess which one ends up in a pool of blood on the ladies' room floor?

  43. poorgradstudent

    I'm starting to see a pattern.

    Unhappy with health care reform? Repeal it and replace it with nothing!
    Our educational infrastructure collapsing? Get rid of it and hope the charter and private schools pick up the slack!
    Safety net inadequate? Keep cutting it!

  44. walterhwhite

    Her heroes are Eleanor Roosevelt, Hilary Clinton, and Mother Theresa? Wow, she's a bigger liar than the Mittbott.

  45. cousinitt

    The Five Point Zomney Plan for education:
    1 Buy the Presidency
    2 Close the Dept of Education
    3 Fire all teachers when they go on strike like Raygun did with pilots
    4 Direct Bain to invest in new schools
    5 Schools go bankrupt and are sold to the Chinese

  46. decentcitizen

    You got to admire the brass: (1) Pass NCLB (2) Defund public education while making kids master trivia (3) Point out how unprepared kids are for the "real world" after mastering standardized tests (4) Push the corporatization of education as a solution to failing schools.

  47. emmabee

    Noticed in the article that she felt like she got her "Gold Star" when her fifth and last son was married. Kind of a kick in the teeth to any parent of a gay son or lesbian daughter, doncha think, Ann?

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