A Reminder To You On The East Coast That Mitt Romney Finds Your Travails Hilarious

  come hell and high water

Can't you see he's in miseryHai East Coast, what’s new? Sorry about your DEATH CRANE! We are just chilling here in sunny Californy watching old videos of Mitt Romney accepting his nomination. We were there! It was so great! We went from really really intensely disliking the man to a full-on hatred by the time he was done smirking, lying, mocking Jimmy Carter, smirking more, bearing false witness, making fun of Barack Obama for wanting to do something about global warming, and smirking. Oh wait, what was that second to last one? Yeah, making fun of Barack Obama for wanting to do something about global warming.

Oh yeah. There it is. Look at that disdain! That is the disdain Mitt Romney feels for you, personally and individually, because according to his RNC acceptance speech, we are only supposed to care about our families and not anybody else, and last time we looked, you were not in Mitt Romney’s family, or you would not be in these circumstances right now! Hope it helps to warm your frigid toes after your power goes out for however many weeks and you get your Day After blizzard that eated the world.

Good luck Wonkers. We love you.

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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222 comments

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        Why choose one or the other? Everyone can enjoy.

        A little family-time hunkering down.

        (@Sparky: In all seriousness, I hope you're spending a little time today hanging out and playing with the kids. Books, Legos, coloring books or whatever is age-appropriate for your particular batch of gerbs. Sitting at the computer all day typing in snarks for people you'll never actually meet is kind of being a shitty parent.)

        1. Sparky McGruff

          Shitty parent? I prefer to think that I'm helping them to write angst-ridden novels when they're older.

          Seriously, though. We're at a stage 3 cabin fever, and we still have power. About 3 hours of Wii with the girls, and a few dozen craft projects. They're getting delirious, and the storm's not even half way over.

  1. WVUer21

    "Tonight on Hannity: Is President Barack Hussein Obama responsible for Hurricane Sandy? Michelle Malkin joins me tonight to explain why he is."

    1. Beowoof

      Alex Jones has said Obama seeded the clouds, I would expect the Fox line, some people say – Obama, the Negro is responsible for the storm.

    2. memzilla

      "Isn't it true, Michelle, that a hurricane of this size has never struck the East Coast under a white president's administration?"

    3. rickmaci

      You watch, they will claim he has failed to adequately address the issues related to global climate change and has left the US dangerously exposed to dangers arising from the melting of the polar ice caps. You know that is coming from them.

      1. Barbara_

        I was referring to the July 1st press conference where Christie called a reporter "an idiot." He seems to do that a lot.

      1. Designer_Rants

        Maybe he should stand out on the beach to get the barnacles sandblasted off his… hull? Starboard side? I just get the feeling a thing like Krisp Krispie could use some freshening. At least a new coat of Battleship Grey.

      2. Butch_Wagstaff

        What a shitty guv, he is. He could have stood his fat ass on the coast and yelled at Sandy to just go away. Then he could have went back to his beach house made of pancakes, butter, and donuts.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      No, but Mr. Elegance personified repeatedly referred to people as stupid, stoopid, stoopid, stoopid. And he's already cranky because his last meal was only…half an hour ago.

    2. YasserArraFeck

      I would pay money to see that fat fuck get into a shouting match with a hurricane. Chris "Canute" Christie……

      1. Callyson

        I just did my workout, but this clip makes me want to do a kickboxing video.

        ETA: yeah yeah, with votes…

  2. Veritas78

    "I never said get rid of FEMA and have the states do it. I said I saved the American auto industry."

  3. Veritas78

    "President Obama said he'd solve global warming and he hasn't. It's time to let someone else try."

  4. Beowoof

    Got a case of Sam Adams Octoberfest, the wind is blowing pretty hard here in Western NY. Plan to have a beer, the kindle is fully charged, and some time cut off from television and radio bullshit would improve my mood.

  5. fuflans

    Hope it helps to warm your frigid toes after your power goes out for however many weeks and you get your Day After blizzard that eated the world.

    joss whedon predicted this.

      1. gullywompr

        Just lost a big pine tree. Missed my car by about 4 feet, but it's blocking the driveway. Can't get out. Luckily DC is closed tomorrow also too.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      Whatever you do. When you're alone. In the dark. Don't think of the scariest movies you've ever seen. Or those strange bump you hear coming up the stairs.

      1. finallyhappy

        that bump would be my friends coming over because I have a generator and sure as hell, power will be out here soon- because we will not be in the dark

    1. OneYieldRegular

      The floodwaters only come up to the dashboard, so it's the safest place. Just hold tight to the antenna.

      1. GeorgiaBurning

        Three squares and a cot in the dorm at Foxconn. Plus an afternoon off for family time, every other Sunday.

    1. JustPixelz

      If Chris Christie is #1, the Z's may be safe. WAIT! WHAT? They only eat brains, eh? Repubicans are safe across the board.

  6. PuckStopsHere

    Damn it's a shame the Tigers didn't win last night. The wind is blowing around 50-per right now and baseball in this weather would have been EPIC to watch. Oh, and by the way, the only reason we would have set a $700,000 city bus alight here like they did in San Fran overnight after the Giants won the pennant (The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! And they're going crazy!) would have been simply to try and get warm.

  7. Lot_49

    The fact that this hurricane is occurring in the fall proves that climate change is just a theory, like gravity.

    1. Geminisunmars

      I believe there were two blahs at that convention. The cameras couldn't tear themselves away. We got to know them and their wardrobes quite well.

  8. SoBeach

    Good luck, yankees. At least when the hurricane takes your power you won't have to deal with 95 degree temperatures combined with 80% humidity and clouds of biting insects that keep you from even opening your windows.

    1. Schmannnity

      Nothing that an ice chest full of ice, a gallon of Tanqeuray, and several dozen limes can't handle.

      1. spareme

        Ice? What's ice in a hurricane? Had a power outrage all over the state (for two weeks) when Frederick hit – 1979 – and there was no f'ing ice! Ever drink a warm Black Russian? So we smoked dope instead.

      2. SoBeach

        Every year when I stock my hurricane supplies I get the essentials first: a jug of Sailor Jerry spiced rum and a case of soda. Then I get some food and stuff, in case the kids want to eat or something.

  9. deanbooth

    Romney had me (my burning hate) at "mocking Jimmy Carter." Either he does not believe what he's saying and is playing to the rubes, or he actually doesn't like JC. Major asshole in either case.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      If he needs to say A, B and C to get the votes (from the particular audience in front of him), he says A, B and C. I don't think he pauses even for a second to think about which of these, if any, he actually believes.

  10. RomneysLogCabin

    Translation: "President Obama promised you that he was a magic negro, my promise is to allow you to buy a negro."

  11. Radiotherapy

    On a night like this, with a millennial storm blowing through here in No. Virginia, I can't express enough how much foreboding and contempt I have for everyone of those fuckers who thought Romney's crack was funny. They really do want to take us back fifty years and lock us into a death struggle with our addiction to fossil fuels.
    Plutocracy, just like the Founder's envisioned.
    Sorry, no snark here, the doom and gloom matches the scene transpiring outside my window.

    1. tejanojim

      Yeah, Romney will pander in whatever direction he needs to pander. More of my hatred goes to the dipshits in the audience who thought "promised to stop the rising oceans" was a laugh line. Enjoy your wrecked planet, idiots. Too bad the rest of us live here too.

  12. snowpointsecret

    From the National Hurricane Center:

    Sandy is almost certainly non-tropical now, but hurricane advisories will be continued for one more cycle so people won't let their guard down. It should be noted that the change in type of storm won't affect the strength and 90 mph winds can be expected in some places.

    Hope everyone's safe out there though, I can't imagine what it's like out in places like New Jersey.

  13. calliecallie

    I am sure there are folks on the right who believe Obama is manipulating the weather so that they can postpone the elections. And by postpone I mean cancel.

        1. finallyhappy

          I o posted a comment on Yahoo comments that said "I read Yahoo comments because I don't personally know any morons"

    1. chascates

      Limbaugh was talking about this today. His base is the poorz in the cities so he might postpone it for a loooong time. As fatass noted Obama didn't have the Constitutional authority to implement Obamacare and give amnesty to all those meskin kids so what would stop him from moving the election till he has a better chance?

    2. Mittaplasia

      Spend 10 minutes on Yahoo, if you dare! Obama didn't use HAARP to save the East Coast, and much, much (too much) more.

    3. GeorgiaBurning

      They know that tax cuts and increases in military spending would have prevented this hurricane, they heard it on the radio

  14. Veritas78

    Allow me to mention that, among the proposed republican budget cuts of the past two years, expanded NOAA forecasting capability is on all the lists. Apparently, what we won't know can't hurt us.

  15. snowpointsecret

    It seems like the guy on the Weather Channel on the coast is getting sandblasted by Sandy. If only he had a dog, it would get sandy claws… (okay I'm sorry, I keep getting this bad joke told to me and I had to let it out somehow!)

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      (Reviewing a contract) ah, you can't fool me. There's no such thing as a sanity clause.

  16. Schmannnity

    If hurricanes hit Utah as frequently as South Florida, I can guarantee you that Mormons would be known for their distilling skills, not priggishness.

    1. GregComlish

      just make sure you've saved up some emergency porn on your harddrive and that you've got an extra laptop battery.

  17. Terry

    The winds are getting stronger as its getting darker. Bad for the nerves.

    At the height of a hurricane, and I've been through more than my fair share on the Gulf Coast, the winds sound like a living thing screaming around outside of your building. It makes you understand how a legend like a banshee could get its start.

    1. chascates

      I remember seeing a documentary on a hurricane hitting Florida. The guy filming it was a weather forecaster (and devout Christian, praying throughout his video) and he showed his toilet. The water was sucked out of it and the TOILET WAS HOWLING!

      1. Terry

        When I lived in south Louisiana, it was common place to see water come shooting up out of storm drains sometimes in some fairly dramatic fountains. It would happen in floor drains if the proper traps, etc, hadn't been installed, too.

        The howling noises rub my nerves raw and remember in a hurricane those frickin noises can go on for hours, depending on the storm.

    2. fuflans

      we're actually getting enough (storm related) winds here in chi that they're closing lake front roads.

      can't even imagine what it must be like there or how big this fucker is.

      1. Terry

        The idea that Lake Michigan will be getting 15-20 ft waves tomorrow from this storm is just mind blowing.

    3. finallyhappy

      My son is concerned because they keep talking on the local news about staying away from windows and we have big trees(and they keep showing the tree that fell on the house in DC). I told him to stop listening to TV and the internet. I do hear our wind -although my husband has the big TV turned up loudly to some noisy show.

  18. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't see what's all the hub-bub, bub. Here, it's 75 degrees with cloudless skies and I'm heading out to kick back on the new deck with a pitcher of margys.

    Of course, downside is, it's still Texas.

    1. chascates

      Hey! It was 35 this morning up here north of Austin! It's 68 now and I've been in shorts and T-shirts most of the day though.

      1. iTuna

        Yeah, here in Waco, the mornings have been cold, but the days are generally beautiful so far this week.

  19. LibertyLover

    I have my early ballot and am voting… who should I vote for? I live in Arizona — blue skies, no sign of any rain at all, sorry East Coasters, stay safe…

    These decisions are so hard for me sometimes, me having a vajayjay and all.

        1. Geminisunmars

          Oh, please please forgive me. I had a lapse. If I make you a sammich can I go back to starching your collars?

      1. LibertyLover

        I wasn't listening I guess, too many shirts to iron and sandwiches to make and snotty noses to wipe.

        1. Geminisunmars

          I swear to you, LibL, that I hadn't seen your response before I responded Flagass. I guess us vajayjay owners are similarly indoctrinated.

    1. Callyson

      VOTE FOR CARMONA AND TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY TO DO THE SAME!!!

      OK, sorry about the shouting, but I lived in AZ for three years and I still have friends there who are fighting the good fight, and they need all the help they can get. The mere fact that fucking Flake is in a close race when he expected a blowout gives me some hope for humanity…

      1. LibertyLover

        Yeah, Carmona is a good pick. I loved his last ad… he took actual footage of John McCain and Jon Kyl praising him from his Surgeon General confirmation hearings. That was then, this is now and Carmona is running as a Democrat, so John and Jon are in a snit because Carmona is using their own words.

  20. fawkedifiknow

    This would be a good time to test out that theory of "prayer," and see if there really is anything to it. My guess is, no.

  21. Detesticle

    Today from @benschwartzy — "Unfair to say Romney is anti-FEMA. He may have just thought you said 'female.'"

  22. Lucidamente1

    "And another thing: the U.S. Army has less waders now than it did in 1917. Just think of General Pershing striding across the Meuse, and you'll realize what we've lost under this president."

  23. MissTaken

    The sick part of Mitt's global warming mention were the people at the convention laughing at the dumbass joke. Because they know that man doesn't affect climate, hurricanes are just Jesus tears.

  24. mavenmaven

    According to the repubs, if you don't believe in something, it just doesn't happen, so a vote for Romney will make global warming go away, whereas a vote for Obama means four more years of worsening weather.
    Likewise for trickle down economics, etc.

  25. Generation[redacted]

    "My promise is to help you and your family." (looks around room at all-white, rich, conservative audience)

    1. snowpointsecret

      I didn't realize Sandy swung that way. Incoming Fox News headline!

      BREAKING: OBAMA CAUSES HOMOSEXUAL SUPERSTORM TO POUND NEW JERSEY

  26. Generation[redacted]

    So the climate science predictions turn out to be correct, but it doesn't matter. The beauty of being a denialist is you don't have to make any predictions. Just say the scientists are corrupt liberal leftist communists etc and shout no it isn't to every bit of science. Then no matter what the climate does, even if it tracks 100% with the science, the denialists can just say the climate is changing like it always has and could have just as easily gone 100% in the other direction.

  27. Goonemeritus

    “Hai East Coast, what’s new? Sorry about your DEATH CRANE! We are just chilling here in sunny Californy”

    Hey even 3 feet under water with massive cranes falling from the sky Manhattan still makes L.A. look like a warm bag of vomit.

    1. finallyhappy

      hey, I just watched a show about Mashti Malone's iranian ice cream – ever been there?
      I'm here in metro Dc with my friend, Sandy

  28. HarryButtle

    I imagine the rural areas will be slower to clean up than the cities, many will probably be without power on election day. So I can hardly wait for the "DERP!" outcry next Tuesday when Bamz wins the election.

    1. PubOption

      Might they have to use paper ballots instead of voting machines? Could buying those machines have been a bad investment for the Romneys?

  29. snowpointsecret

    Oh wow, you too? I have plenty of family in Brick, a few of them are stubborn enough to ride it out in an area too close to the shore for my liking. Hopefully everything works out for everyone.

  30. MissTaken

    Hurricane Sandy – Sandy in Grease – John Travolta in Grease – John Travolta Gay

    OMIGOD! The conservatives r rite! Teh huricane is becuz of teh blu ghey states!!!!11And ISrael!

    1. Gleem McShineys

      i'm brazilian, SUCK IT

      This changes everything. I guess "kkkkkkkkk" is the sound of gagging?

    2. UW8316154

      That's a rather aggressive introduction, Flavio, we're trying to make friends via intercultural exchange here….

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        Perhaps the Republicans printed their own special edition of "How to Win Friends and Influence People." And Flavio read it.

  31. snowpointsecret

    So apparently we're expecting an inch or two of snow tonight, which wouldn't be that huge if I didn't remember "yeah this is still a hybrid storm off the coast of New Jersey". Sandy was apparently told it could be anything when she grew up and she took it a bit too literally and became everything.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      Death Crane. Isn't that some deadly martial arts move that Uma Thurman learned in them Kill Bill movies?

  32. LibrarianX

    I wouldn't be surprised if Romney bet against coastal residents by buying up property inland, just like that Superman movie…waitaminute! Mitt Romney is Lex Luthor? Only not as bright.

  33. Veritas78

    Ya know, that Death Crane looks just like Jesus' penis. I don't think they'll ever be able to take it down now.

  34. ThundercatHo

    Making calls to recruit people to help get out the vote and accidently got a total dickwad Rmoney man, may he drown in a puddle of his own vomit. All you Wonkers stay safe out there and go vote and volunteer with Bamz campaign. The get out the vote is really the fun part.

  35. decentcitizen

    The thing is whether you believe in climate change produced by human activity or not, it still sucks to have your house under water.

  36. Redgyal

    The election should be postponed if the hurricanes causes damage. It just isn't right to make people deal with this and waiting in some long line to push some buttons.

  37. MissNancyPriss

    I think if I were alone in the dark with the sirens and the tent flapping noises, I would have a series of mini-strokes. Stay brave, intrepid New Yorkers!

  38. ttommyunger

    The world hasn't seen that much hate-filled superiority in one room since the beer garden days in the 20's. Good times…

    1. ttommyunger

      Vegetarian too. Thus the constant farting. Tough on a guy (and his aides). That bunker must have reekedSent from the Field, not in Garrison.

      1. Negropolis

        The vegetarian thing I've never forgotten – I mean the absurdity of ordering the extermination of human beings while eschewing eating meat was enough cognitive dissonance to stick in my mind – but I didn't remember him not drinking.

        1. ttommyunger

          He was an amazing repository of contradictions as well as the embodiment of evil.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  39. mrblifil

    Day 2 of closed schools. SCHOOLMAGEDDON!!1!

    Seriously, rode out a rough night last night with next to no damage, loss of power, we even still have cable. All cued up for a nice bout of survival guilt. My favorite brewery in Red Hook Brooklyn got trashed so at least I have some vector by which I can feel personal involvement.

    1. finallyhappy

      Oh, no-I just saw a story about a nice little bakery in RedHook Brooklyn and was going to visit them in December. I will check on them

  40. DahBoner

    What game does the Romney family play to help Eastcoasters who don't know how to swim?

    "Will it Float?"

  41. greencar

    Find new employment Rebecca, your bias is so obvious! I can guarantee you that Mitt is on the ground helping people now. Oh he beat me to it, already gave up his tour bus for the relief effort! What is barak doing? Hopefully more than Bill, Idid not have sex with that woman Clinton is. Another disgrace along with obuma.

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