Schlock You Like A Hurricane

Obscure Wingnut Preacher: Hurricane Sandy Is God’s Wrath For America Betraying Israel 21 Years Ago (Also: Teh Ghey)

What, you expected the Werner Herzog title?Thank goodness for the internet! Were it not for this near-instantaneous information-distribution medium, Pastor John McTernan would not be able to get international attention for being among the first wingnut preachers to proclaim that Hurricane Sandy is obviously God’s vengeance on America for some perceived sin. In this particular case, the Almighty is going to cause randomized death and destruction along the East Coast of the US to punish random people for a diplomatic conference attended by George HW Bush in 1991:

Hurricane Sandy is hitting 21 years to the day of the Perfect Storm of October 20, 1991. I write about this in my book as America Has Done to Israel. [sic] This was the day that President George Bush Sr. initiated the Madrid Peace Process to divide the land of Israel, including Jerusalem. America has been under God’s judgment since this event.

But wait! That’s not all! There is MATH!!!! And politics! And Teh Ghey, of course:

Twenty-one years breaks down to 7 x 3, which is a significant number with God. Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection.

It appears that God gave America 21 years to repent of interfering with His prophetic plan for Israel; however, it has gotten worse under all the presidents and especially Obama. Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem. Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda. America is under political judgment and the church does not know it!

In an earlier blog post, Mc Ternan, apparently unaware that the election will actually take place a week from now, and not tomorrow, said

Hurricane Sandy may flood Washington, DC on election day! It is like the hurricane is a huge bucket of vomit in America’s face during the election. What a sign from the holy God of Israel that American politics is an abomination to Him.

Never mind that the Madrid Peace Conference had few practical effects on Israel’s territory, or that it seems slightly douchey of the Lord of Hosts to kill a bunch of randomly selected residents of a coastal region when He could presumably direct lightning bolts at GHW Bush and the other organizers of the Madrid Conference. Talk about ambiguous messaging!

No, let’s keep in mind the REAL news in this announcement: 21 years is apparently the “Killer Storms” anniversary, or, depending upon your family traditions, the “Huge Bucket of Vomit in the Face” anniversary.

[John McTernan’s INSIGHTS]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Boojum

    God is slow. Maybe he should ride the short bus.

  • nounverb911

    I'm rooting for Jeebus to take out the Hamptons and Greenwich with a vengeance.

    • memzilla

      Fire Island was evacuated, does that count?

    • Goonemeritus

      I would be happier if he left the North Fork un-destroyed.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Trump's casino would be a great starting point…

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I've got a bud out in Wainscott, hope he gets through it ok and maybe can get in a little looting afterwards.

      • MosesInvests

        If he's white, it's foraging. Looting is what the blahs do.

  • FNMA

    God can be a real prick sometimes.

  • memzilla

    Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection.

    Well, this blithering rant is 21 kinds of stupid, so, yes.

    • nounverb911

      So who's stacking the deck?

    • gullywompr

      I dunno, God gave us 4/20 also too…

    • JustPixelz

      Don't forget "one is the loneliest number".

  • chascates

    Wrong. It's God's wrath for listening to obscure wingnut preachers.

    • Nostrildamus

      Wingnut preachers are God's wrath.

      Fuck you, God.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Can Jewish people be gay?

    • nounverb911

      Ask Barney Frank.

    • memzilla

      Yes, but only wholesale.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    "HurriCane dealt the blow that laid your brother low." Preacher grifter Robert Mitchum

  • SorosBot

    "Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem"

    Huh; how did I miss that part of the platform?

    • fatbob54

      No, President Obama didn't say it, WHICH PROVES HE'S GOING TO DO IT!!!!911!
      Also, the call is coming from inside the HOUSE!!!!

    • Tundra Grifter

      SB:

      Preacher McTernan's platform is missing a few planks.

  • Goonemeritus

    I predict the intersection of Christen Fundamentalism and Numerology will be the next big thing. Well I’m off to reserve some domain names and scout for land for my mega-church.

    • Doktor Zoom

      the intersection of Christen Fundamentalism and Numerology

      This freakish Frankentheology will destroy us all!

      • bobbert

        I predict a big pile-up at the intersection.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Wait, doesn't the Bible already contain a Book of Numbers? The mash-up is already there.

      • HistoriCat

        Let it go – he's on a roll.

  • Lucidamente1

    Of course, "Hurricane Sandy" is also the stage name of Pastor McTernan's favorite tranny stripper.

  • Slim_Pickins

    What? Pat Robertson hasn't prayed Sandy away, yet?

  • Stevola

    “Huge Bucket of Vomit in the Face”

    Worst. Thanksgiving. Ever.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Or, maybe just waking up Sunday morning on the set of the next Jackass movie?

    • JustPixelz

      Of all the things I want in my face, that's at the bottom of the list.

  • SorosBot

    To be fair, George H. W. Bush knows a lot about vomiting in someone's face.

    • MosesInvests

      Hai! Bushururu!

  • Slim_Pickins

    More likely god's wrath for global warming.

    • SnarkOff

      Preach it, brother.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    Lindsay Lohan has weighed in via twitter:
    "WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i'm calling it Sally)..?"
    "Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace"

  • fawkedifiknow

    Your move, Pat Robertson.

    • Gleem McShineys

      He's going to call the next disaster a Bucket of Rotten Hotwings.

      Rotten Hotwings. IN. YOUR. FACE.
      That shit burns! Now, whatchu got?

  • Blueb4sinrise

    “Huge Bucket of Vomit in the Face” 21st Anniversary.
    Was there in Cleveland when they released their first album.

    • UW8316154

      I loved their single 'Sloppy Seconds".

      • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

        I can't forget "This meal's on you!".

        • Doktor Zoom

          I refuse to pay $175 on ebay for the "Wafer-Thin Mint" EP, no matter how rare it is.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Isn't everything the wrath of god?

    • Swampgas_Man

      The Big Guy has Anger Management issues.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Well! Lemme run right out there in the blustery weather and scrape off my lefty bumper stickers to replace with Rmoney Banner Decals — for THIS guy!!

    • Swampgas_Man

      BOTH candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda.

      See? It won't do any good to vote R this time!

      • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

        Then I can be confused by his message on all kinds of levels — my favorite confusion-state of all!

  • Cleopatriot

    Someone needs to let the Almighty in on the fact Bush doesn't live in Connecticut anymore.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "God’s vengeance on America for some perceived sin."

    I perceive this sin to be the continual unchecked spewing of billions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

  • Callyson

    Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda.

    In the increasingly competitive race to say the most idiotic thing possible about this election season, we have a winner!

    • Jus_Wonderin

      How far behind are each of the candidates?

  • northernbassist

    Losers. We did the huge bucket of vomit in the face at our wedding party….

    • Swampgas_Man

      You shoulda checked the date on that butter-cream icing.

  • LIT_Fag

    Never thought I'd see the day when
    something was retribution for something
    a Republican did.

    And 7 x 3? I'm sure you've had bigger, preacher
    man.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      First thing I thought of was Cassette x Chainring gearing combo. Hey, that's what I have on my mountain bike! Perfection!

      [/bike nerd]

  • Detesticle

    I was talking to God just this morning and It told me to get laid more often. Hurricane Sandy didn't even come up in conversation. We always talk about laying, though.

  • SnarkOff

    Seriously, pastor, STFU.

  • Callyson

    It is like the hurricane is a huge bucket of vomit in America’s face during the election.

    What, they don't have any Pepto-Bismol in Heaven?

  • BadKitty904

    Ya know, some day I'd like to see a copy of this "homosexual agenda." It was apparently left out of my orientation packet.

    In the meantime, Obscure Wingnut Preacher needs to spend more time meditating on the commandments found in the Book of STFU…

    • PsycWench

      There are apparently entire sections of this agenda that I've never heard a gay person mention. Was there no committee consensus?

      • BadKitty904

        I certainly don't recall being polled. So to speak.

      • LIT_Fag

        It wasn't so much a committee meeting as it was an awesome orgy.

    • UW8316154

      You didn't get a copy? Well, you know what *that* means….

      / onimous thunder and lightening /

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      The Protocols Of The Elders Of Fabulous

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      "orientation packet" — ISWYDT

    • Tommy1733

      Don't worry, this preacher will fill you in. Get it? "Fill you in"?

  • BarackMyWorld

    God will hold a 21 year grudge against a country that sat back while Israel lost territory because of a treaty, but still hasn't just wiped out the Palestinians, or punished Germany for the Holocaust? Is the vengeance of the almighty going in reverse alphabetical order, or from least to greatest? Because this makes no sense.

    • BadKitty904

      Neither does an omnipotent, omniscient God speaking through this back-woods goober…

  • memzilla

    Most importantly, how is Hurricane Sandy affecting Sarah Palin?

    Lamestream media CONSPIRACY!!!

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      She's shuckin' and jivin' over it right now.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      I have no doubt she feels victimized by it. And us. And everything else.

    • eggsacklywright

      She's diving the meaning of it all from moose droppings.

  • mickeymusing

    This storm is obviously evidence of God's wrath against Citizen's United for providing the funding to support the incessant God-awful campaign ads interfering with his favorite CW shows. It's so clear, why can't people see it?

  • MissTaken

    I hate playing blackjack with Jesus. He always stands on 12, something about apostles. So annoying.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Isn't a Godhead one of those things on Easter Island?

    • gullywompr

      Angkor Wat, actually.

      • Doktor Zoom

        No, he's on Angkor Second Base.

        • gullywompr

          They speak English in Wat?

          • Doktor Zoom

            I don't know…

            THIRD BASE!

          • bobbert

            I don't care.

    • eggsacklywright

      Godhead is a hurricane blow job.

  • orygoon

    "Obscure Wingnut Preacher"

    Not, apparently, obscure enough.

  • EnnuiThereYet?

    God speaks in mysterious ways. Also in ways of an 10th grade algebra and American history quiz.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Can someone please help me understand how October 20, 1991 > October 23 2012 equals EXACTLY 21 YEARS (ALAN!)?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Really. I was all like, whoa, it hit last Saturday?

    • MissTaken

      Leap years are the work of Satan so God doesn't do them!

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        Plus daylight savings time! Get a map!

    • bobbert

      For a certain value of "exactly".

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      Numerology!!

  • Indiepalin

    "Huge Bucket of Vomit in America's Face" is the title of the lost Spinal Tap Album, recorded between "Smell the Glove" and "Shark Sandwich"

    • UW8316154

      It is a tribute record to the vomit-drowning of their second drummer, "Stumpy Joe".

      • Indiepalin

        "It was someone else's vomit"

      • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

        Thought Stumpy Joe was Def Leppard's drummer.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      One of my favorites. I always listen with the volume set at 11.

    • SnarkOff

      Two-word review: Shit sandwich.

  • Sophist[Kochblocker]

    This guy probably has "HATE" tattooed across both his fists.

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      Either that or DIE BART DIE.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        The Bart the?

      • HistoriCat

        No one who speaks German would do anything wrong!

    • UW8316154

      Spelled "HAET", of course

  • Native_of_SL_UT

    My Republican family members were so mad at me for pointing out that two Republican national conventions in a row were hit by God's hurricanes.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Obviously, those particular hurricanes were Satan's hurricanes.

  • PsycWench

    Does this guy have a sideline as Time Cube Guy?

    • HistoriCat

      Pshaw – this is only about 0.12 timecubes on the crazy scale.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    This is all basically God's response-song to "It's Raining Men" hitting the top 10 in 1982.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Finally! Ahh, that feels good…I've been waiting for the 'Hurricane=Wrath of God' nonsense.

  • OneDollarJuana

    21 is a magic number because Jeebus finally gets to drink all that wine he made out of water.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "behind the homosexual agenda"
    Somedays even I am suprised at the low bar I have for stuff that makes me giggle.

    • Nostrildamus

      How about "straddling the homosexual agenda"?

      • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

        I prefer "ramming home the homosexual agenda."

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Isn't God-vomit gonna be like manna or something else real tasty? I never thought of God having a normal digestive tract like us. What the fuck does he eat?

    • Blueb4sinrise

      It's the Jaeger.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Unicorns and Thylacenes. He's such an anti-environmentalist asshole.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Better than a huge bucket of diarrhea, at least.

    • Gleem McShineys

      THE LORD WORKS IN MYSTERIOUS BUCKETS

  • SorosBot

    So god apparently sent Sandy to punish the US over Israel and the gays; but what did the Caribbean countries where dozens of people have already been killed do to piss him off?

    • mavenmaven

      Oh, they signed treaties with the devil, don't you remember? http://wonkette.com/413169/pat-robertson-was-righ

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Damnit.

    • Swampgas_Man

      They don't count, silly– they're Browns.

    • Barrelhse

      They are non-white Not Americans. Jesus hates those kinds.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Pat Robertson already explained about the Haitian Darkies and the Pact With The Devil. http://wonkette.com/413162/pat-robertson-does-usu

  • Fairtackle

    Sandy turns out to be the numbers 19, 1, 14 and 24.. Bam! think that pretty much says it all.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Oh shit. That's my phone number!

      • Fairtackle

        and as everybody knows, BigSkullf*ckingDog is just an anagram for "Glib Duck Flogs King", to there is that.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          Glib D*ck Flogs King.

  • calliecallie

    Had to see this coming, huh? I'm sure he won't be the last, though.

  • calliecallie

    OT: stay safe you Wonketteers in the hurricane's path, please.

  • gullywompr

    Where's Lt. Dan when you need him?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "October 20, 1991. …President George Bush Sr. initiated the Madrid Peace Process to divide the land of Israel, including Jerusalem. America has been under God’s judgment since this event."
    So all the peace and prosperity back under Clinton; that was just God lulling us into a sense of false security? Tricky bastard…

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      That's Slick Willie for ya.

  • An_Outhouse

    Stupid storm! Thanks to Sandy, my daughter's fourth grade class field trip to the Abortionplex has been cancelled :(. On the plus side, the Gay Bar is opening early so the kids will have some where to hang after school.

  • GhostBuggy

    "Wrath of God" is a pretty good flick, although I thought when the Organians imposed a peace treaty on everyone, it was an odd departure from the usual Mitchum picture.

    • zumpie

      I looked at the poster and thought, hmmmmm, Mitchum AND Frank Langella? I don;t even care how silly the actual movie might be, I would totally watch it for them!

      • Lascauxcaveman

        If you haven't already seen it, don't miss Mitchum's other violent fake-preacher movie, Night of the Hunter. One of the scariest movies I've ever seen. And kinda weird. And even funny.

      • Wile E. Quixote

        No kidding. I've got to find that on NetFlix. At the very least it's going to be some high quality cheese.

        • zumpie

          There's also that awesome early 60's pot boiler, "Home from the Hill". With Mitchum as a patriach who fathered George Hamilton with his wife, and Hamilton's cabin dwelling BFF, George Peppard, with someone else!

          For the other side, Pamela Tifflin's in the picture, too.

  • mavenmaven

    "The storm is projected to come right over my house, so it might curtail the prayer meeting if the power is knocked out."

    You'd think he might consider whether the Lord was trying to tell him something.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      He can't pray if the power's out? Pastor UR doing it wrong!

  • kittensdontlie

    October 20 is also the anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803, which left our american God seething at the US being taken to the cleaners by FRANCE!!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    "Hurricane" is also one of my favorite Dylan songs.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    What about all the Christianists in the path of this storm, Pastor? I guess he thinks they're expendable. God's will and all that.

    • docterry6973

      No True Christian will suffer harm, you can be sure.

  • Barrelhse

    I was wondering whose fault it was this time.
    We've come a long way intellectually since George Antrobus invented the wheel.

  • ElPinche

    I CANT WAIT UNTIL HURRICANE SALLY BECOMES OBAMARS WATERGATE.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    God has a really bad sense of timing.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Not to mention a sick sense of humour.

      • Gleem McShineys

        And he's been carrying around a bucket of holy puke for 21 years. GROSS, GOD

  • ProgressiveInga

    Tax. His. Ass.

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    And all this time I thought this storm was cooked up by Obama and his weather machine (the one they used to disrupt the GOP convention) to distract attention from the polls.

  • bravo_sierra

    Needs more "punishment because Halloween"

  • ChickTract_Fil_A

    So, after this, we're square with God, right?

  • Wile E. Quixote

    Hey, fuck you Pastor John McTernan. If you had your shit together you would have been raptured in May of 2011 like the rest of the Godly. Since you're still here it's obvious that you're just another sinner doomed to burn with the rest of us.

  • Beowoof

    John McTernan brings Die Hard with the Lord.

  • Nostrildamus

    Dog bites man, Dr Z. When a hurricane is not blamed on the gays, that will be news.

    • docterry6973

      And the 8,000 who died in the Galveston hurricane of 1900? All gay.

  • Schmegeg

    I am sure there is a more reasonable explanation for all of this, but right how I can't think of it.

  • qwerty42

    Well, I'm still expecting a close election, but an Obama win. Will the Lord God of Hosts be disappointed? These weird hick preachers always make me think they were invented by Flannery O'Connor.

  • lumpenprole

    Twenty-one years breaks down to 7 x 3, which is a significant number with God. Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection.

    therefore *yakety sax*

    It appears that God gave America 21 years to repent of interfering with His prophetic plan for Israel

  • LibertyLover

    God. He's just a damn fickle bastard.

    • Gleem McShineys

      But he's got an awesome collection of vintage vomit.

  • decentcitizen

    I'm certain if we looked into it we'd find some things more recent that God would be pissed about.

  • DahBoner

    7 x 3 equals 1 carry the 2 plus naught is 21.

    Do I win anything in God's Math Casino?

  • dennis1943

    Just like clockwork………

  • LibrarianX

    I thought it was God's wrath for putting Romney on the November ballot.

  • tamiasmin

    21 = 7 x 3. This man can factor, so right there! 7 and 3 are very nice numbers, of course, but they are not perfect numbers.

  • larrykat

    It seems to me that 7 is obviously perfection times 2, plus 1.

  • ttommyunger

    Please, tell me more. No, wait; let me get a pencil and paper…..now, please, continue…

  • fishwharf

    Wonkette's making this shit up for giggles.

  • howardtlewisiiii

    The wingnut preacher is part right., but HAARP and the Bush criminal cabal is not God. Their boss is the queen lizard of England and the Rothschild bank.