Schlock You Like A Hurricane

Obscure Wingnut Preacher: Hurricane Sandy Is God’s Wrath For America Betraying Israel 21 Years Ago (Also: Teh Ghey)

What, you expected the Werner Herzog title?Thank goodness for the internet! Were it not for this near-instantaneous information-distribution medium, Pastor John McTernan would not be able to get international attention for being among the first wingnut preachers to proclaim that Hurricane Sandy is obviously God’s vengeance on America for some perceived sin. In this particular case, the Almighty is going to cause randomized death and destruction along the East Coast of the US to punish random people for a diplomatic conference attended by George HW Bush in 1991:

Hurricane Sandy is hitting 21 years to the day of the Perfect Storm of October 20, 1991. I write about this in my book as America Has Done to Israel. [sic] This was the day that President George Bush Sr. initiated the Madrid Peace Process to divide the land of Israel, including Jerusalem. America has been under God’s judgment since this event.

But wait! That’s not all! There is MATH!!!! And politics! And Teh Ghey, of course:

Twenty-one years breaks down to 7 x 3, which is a significant number with God. Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection.

It appears that God gave America 21 years to repent of interfering with His prophetic plan for Israel; however, it has gotten worse under all the presidents and especially Obama. Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem. Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda. America is under political judgment and the church does not know it!

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In an earlier blog post, Mc Ternan, apparently unaware that the election will actually take place a week from now, and not tomorrow, said

Hurricane Sandy may flood Washington, DC on election day! It is like the hurricane is a huge bucket of vomit in America’s face during the election. What a sign from the holy God of Israel that American politics is an abomination to Him.

Never mind that the Madrid Peace Conference had few practical effects on Israel’s territory, or that it seems slightly douchey of the Lord of Hosts to kill a bunch of randomly selected residents of a coastal region when He could presumably direct lightning bolts at GHW Bush and the other organizers of the Madrid Conference. Talk about ambiguous messaging!

No, let’s keep in mind the REAL news in this announcement: 21 years is apparently the “Killer Storms” anniversary, or, depending upon your family traditions, the “Huge Bucket of Vomit in the Face” anniversary.

[John McTernan's INSIGHTS]

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About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

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169 comments

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      I've got a bud out in Wainscott, hope he gets through it ok and maybe can get in a little looting afterwards.

  1. memzilla

    Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection.

    Well, this blithering rant is 21 kinds of stupid, so, yes.

  2. SorosBot

    "Obama is 100 percent behind the Muslim Brotherhood which has vowed to destroy Israel and take Jerusalem"

    Huh; how did I miss that part of the platform?

    1. fatbob54

      No, President Obama didn't say it, WHICH PROVES HE'S GOING TO DO IT!!!!911!
      Also, the call is coming from inside the HOUSE!!!!

  3. Goonemeritus

    I predict the intersection of Christen Fundamentalism and Numerology will be the next big thing. Well I’m off to reserve some domain names and scout for land for my mega-church.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      the intersection of Christen Fundamentalism and Numerology

      This freakish Frankentheology will destroy us all!

  4. Lucidamente1

    Of course, "Hurricane Sandy" is also the stage name of Pastor McTernan's favorite tranny stripper.

  5. DerrickWildcat

    Lindsay Lohan has weighed in via twitter:
    "WHY is everyone in SUCH a panic about hurricane (i'm calling it Sally)..?"
    "Stop projecting negativity! Think positive and pray for peace"

    1. Gleem McShineys

      He's going to call the next disaster a Bucket of Rotten Hotwings.

      Rotten Hotwings. IN. YOUR. FACE.
      That shit burns! Now, whatchu got?

  6. Blueb4sinrise

    “Huge Bucket of Vomit in the Face” 21st Anniversary.
    Was there in Cleveland when they released their first album.

  7. Mumbletypeg

    Well! Lemme run right out there in the blustery weather and scrape off my lefty bumper stickers to replace with Rmoney Banner Decals — for THIS guy!!

    1. Swampgas_Man

      BOTH candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda.

      See? It won't do any good to vote R this time!

  8. BaldarTFlagass

    "God’s vengeance on America for some perceived sin."

    I perceive this sin to be the continual unchecked spewing of billions of tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere.

  9. Callyson

    Both candidates are pro-homosexual and are behind the homosexual agenda.

    In the increasingly competitive race to say the most idiotic thing possible about this election season, we have a winner!

  10. LIT_Fag

    Never thought I'd see the day when
    something was retribution for something
    a Republican did.

    And 7 x 3? I'm sure you've had bigger, preacher
    man.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      First thing I thought of was Cassette x Chainring gearing combo. Hey, that's what I have on my mountain bike! Perfection!

      [/bike nerd]

  11. Detesticle

    I was talking to God just this morning and It told me to get laid more often. Hurricane Sandy didn't even come up in conversation. We always talk about laying, though.

  12. Callyson

    It is like the hurricane is a huge bucket of vomit in America’s face during the election.

    What, they don't have any Pepto-Bismol in Heaven?

  13. BadKitty904

    Ya know, some day I'd like to see a copy of this "homosexual agenda." It was apparently left out of my orientation packet.

    In the meantime, Obscure Wingnut Preacher needs to spend more time meditating on the commandments found in the Book of STFU…

    1. PsycWench

      There are apparently entire sections of this agenda that I've never heard a gay person mention. Was there no committee consensus?

  14. BarackMyWorld

    God will hold a 21 year grudge against a country that sat back while Israel lost territory because of a treaty, but still hasn't just wiped out the Palestinians, or punished Germany for the Holocaust? Is the vengeance of the almighty going in reverse alphabetical order, or from least to greatest? Because this makes no sense.

  15. mickeymusing

    This storm is obviously evidence of God's wrath against Citizen's United for providing the funding to support the incessant God-awful campaign ads interfering with his favorite CW shows. It's so clear, why can't people see it?

  16. MissTaken

    I hate playing blackjack with Jesus. He always stands on 12, something about apostles. So annoying.

  17. EnnuiThereYet?

    God speaks in mysterious ways. Also in ways of an 10th grade algebra and American history quiz.

  18. HobbesEvilTwin

    Can someone please help me understand how October 20, 1991 > October 23 2012 equals EXACTLY 21 YEARS (ALAN!)?

  19. Indiepalin

    "Huge Bucket of Vomit in America's Face" is the title of the lost Spinal Tap Album, recorded between "Smell the Glove" and "Shark Sandwich"

  20. Native_of_SL_UT

    My Republican family members were so mad at me for pointing out that two Republican national conventions in a row were hit by God's hurricanes.

  21. OneDollarJuana

    21 is a magic number because Jeebus finally gets to drink all that wine he made out of water.

  22. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    "behind the homosexual agenda"
    Somedays even I am suprised at the low bar I have for stuff that makes me giggle.

  23. BaldarTFlagass

    Isn't God-vomit gonna be like manna or something else real tasty? I never thought of God having a normal digestive tract like us. What the fuck does he eat?

  24. SorosBot

    So god apparently sent Sandy to punish the US over Israel and the gays; but what did the Caribbean countries where dozens of people have already been killed do to piss him off?

      1. Fairtackle

        and as everybody knows, BigSkullf*ckingDog is just an anagram for "Glib Duck Flogs King", to there is that.

  25. BaldarTFlagass

    "October 20, 1991. …President George Bush Sr. initiated the Madrid Peace Process to divide the land of Israel, including Jerusalem. America has been under God’s judgment since this event."
    So all the peace and prosperity back under Clinton; that was just God lulling us into a sense of false security? Tricky bastard…

  26. An_Outhouse

    Stupid storm! Thanks to Sandy, my daughter's fourth grade class field trip to the Abortionplex has been cancelled :(. On the plus side, the Gay Bar is opening early so the kids will have some where to hang after school.

  27. GhostBuggy

    "Wrath of God" is a pretty good flick, although I thought when the Organians imposed a peace treaty on everyone, it was an odd departure from the usual Mitchum picture.

    1. zumpie

      I looked at the poster and thought, hmmmmm, Mitchum AND Frank Langella? I don;t even care how silly the actual movie might be, I would totally watch it for them!

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        If you haven't already seen it, don't miss Mitchum's other violent fake-preacher movie, Night of the Hunter. One of the scariest movies I've ever seen. And kinda weird. And even funny.

      2. Wile E. Quixote

        No kidding. I've got to find that on NetFlix. At the very least it's going to be some high quality cheese.

        1. zumpie

          There's also that awesome early 60's pot boiler, "Home from the Hill". With Mitchum as a patriach who fathered George Hamilton with his wife, and Hamilton's cabin dwelling BFF, George Peppard, with someone else!

          For the other side, Pamela Tifflin's in the picture, too.

  28. mavenmaven

    "The storm is projected to come right over my house, so it might curtail the prayer meeting if the power is knocked out."

    You'd think he might consider whether the Lord was trying to tell him something.

  29. kittensdontlie

    October 20 is also the anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803, which left our american God seething at the US being taken to the cleaners by FRANCE!!

  30. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    What about all the Christianists in the path of this storm, Pastor? I guess he thinks they're expendable. God's will and all that.

  31. Barrelhse

    I was wondering whose fault it was this time.
    We've come a long way intellectually since George Antrobus invented the wheel.

  32. johnnyzhivago

    And all this time I thought this storm was cooked up by Obama and his weather machine (the one they used to disrupt the GOP convention) to distract attention from the polls.

  33. Wile E. Quixote

    Hey, fuck you Pastor John McTernan. If you had your shit together you would have been raptured in May of 2011 like the rest of the Godly. Since you're still here it's obvious that you're just another sinner doomed to burn with the rest of us.

  34. Schmegeg

    I am sure there is a more reasonable explanation for all of this, but right how I can't think of it.

  35. qwerty42

    Well, I'm still expecting a close election, but an Obama win. Will the Lord God of Hosts be disappointed? These weird hick preachers always make me think they were invented by Flannery O'Connor.

  36. lumpenprole

    Twenty-one years breaks down to 7 x 3, which is a significant number with God. Three is perfection as the Godhead is three in one while seven is perfection.

    therefore *yakety sax*

    It appears that God gave America 21 years to repent of interfering with His prophetic plan for Israel

  37. decentcitizen

    I'm certain if we looked into it we'd find some things more recent that God would be pissed about.

  38. tamiasmin

    21 = 7 x 3. This man can factor, so right there! 7 and 3 are very nice numbers, of course, but they are not perfect numbers.

  39. howardtlewisiiii

    The wingnut preacher is part right., but HAARP and the Bush criminal cabal is not God. Their boss is the queen lizard of England and the Rothschild bank.

Comments are closed.