What’s this, what’s this? Are we starting up Wonkette Classifieds? Indeed we are, Poors, and at just the right hobo price: FREE. You could sell a boat! Or barter some moon rocks! Or pen a plaintive missive seeking love from likeminded jerk-offs! But why are we doing this when it will not make us any muneez? That is an excellent question that we will figure out later! Mostly because we love you, idiots, whatever, we guess.
You’ll want to make a fake Gmail address or something, as these will be very PRIMITIVE and will not come with mailboxes. Your Editrix will approve them before they post, so don’t try to sell your children into sex slavery please. This is not the Village Voice. Also, your Editrix has a very low tolerance for shitty scams, so, you know, don’t do that.
By the way, since we’ve got you here, have you been putting in your hours in Wonkville, the Wonkette story mines? Look, it’s right over there — > . Have you signed up for our newsletter? It’s right over there too! Have you been clicking on that tiny Amazon logo at the bottom of the Amazon box? If you are going to shop at Amazon and put a mom and pop store out of business, shouldn’t you divert a chunk of Amazon’s filthy lucre to a mom (no pop) website? YES YOU SHOULD.
Also too to watch for, coming soon: a Wonkette store, filled with fabulous items. Oh, what a glorious day it shall be!
{ 194 comments }
Will the Wonkette store have emergency contraception for sale?
Plan W.
They look like upside down M&M's. What the hell…..?
Whatever the shape, I bet the edges are razor sharp for "her protection".
Just consider them God's "pre-gifts."
A Todd Akin fright mask?
No, but you can buy plastic sheeting, Wesson oil, and sex toys in bulk.
Terry, now I know what it feels like to "owe my soul to the company store." Rebecca is going to be super rich!
That reminds me, does it have sound proof floorboards? I need to replace a few that were scratched from the underside.
How much for an abortion?
Don't you get those for free at the abortionplex anyway?
Silly, I don't want to get one, I just want to buy one and save it for later.
Oh, you want Abortion Futures. Abortionplex.com has the latest bid/ask numbers.
Eh, they're a dollar, but close enough anyways.
Do we know if it carries its own line of liquor?
Finally someplace someone might buy all those 8 track tapes. I think "John Denver's greatest hits" is the crown jewel in the collection of gems.
I've got quite a collection of awesome VCR tapes.
Any that don't have "XXX" in the title?
Baldar's selling tapes of classic episodes of Jeopardy
Vin Diesel !!libel!!
What? No Betamax or Super8?
Rocky mountain hhiiiiiiii
CHA-CHUNK
iiiiiigh, Colorado
The glory of 8-track technology…
I'm sticking a #2 pencil in my ears as we speak. Thanks a lot.
Sorry. My college roomie was also musically obsessive. A very mild-mannered neighbor once threatened him with physical violence (and I'm pretty sure he meant it) after being subjected to a whole day of Jim Morrison crooning People are Strange at maximum volume (and this was the olden days of records before digital repeat, so he'd have to sit at the turntable, manually lifting and replacing the needle every time the song ended).
Are splurge gunz for whipped cream assassins okay? Or must everything be vegan, and only spud gunz?
Hey east coast Wonketteers, be careful out there.
It's going to be okay, iTuna. Todd Akin knows that Mother Nature "has ways of shutting this thing down."
The human race?
The ultimate in self protection… maybe she should only protect herself from industrialized nations?
All you human viruses are belong to…?
Phil Esterhaus libel!
Awwww, thanks.
Love for sale,
Appetizing young love for sale,
Love that's fresh and still unspoiled,
Love that's only slightly soiled,
Love for sale…
Do you accept bitchcoins?
Editrix just wants to see boys' Linuses.
I'll sell her that privilege. $2.45.
Many upfists in your general direction.
Linuxes? What?
So, what's the code word for when I want to sell some puff?
Puff.
Ffup.
"Terrorism".
Dragon.
9/11
"Book for sale: Charlie the Choom Choom"
Or maybe "Do It Yourself Lung Exercise Kit"
Minor surgery and home repair. Totally legit.
Angina's List
Win a free vacation to the beautiful Isles of Langerhans.
Is that the place with the insulin factory?
Can you do some EST on my crazy little puppy mill refugee lapdog that wants to bite everybody?
No job too big or small.
weird
So, nothing crazy like $5,000,000 for Bammerz grades and bin Laden Daytimer..
but you can TOTALLY sell bamz' senate seat.
that's fuckin golden.
"Your Editrix will approve them before they post, so don’t try to sell your children into sex slavery please."
So, buttsecks or no buttsecks? This is unclear to me at this point…
I think it's kinda buttsechs. Halfway in, halfway out.
Isn't that working for tips only?
Staying at home from work today, no choice but to get wrapped up in the hurricane hype. Good news is I've decided to re-name my fat cat who hates on the other animals in my house and constantly steals their food "Governor Christie."
I think that paying attention to the weather warnings is prudent. But don't you live in Denver?
Give Governor Christie an ice cream and post pics.
I tried to do this, but he just started yowling at the dogs and totally screwed the photo op.
You should rename one of the other cats "Meatloaf."
Arguably, all cats should be named "Meatloaf". After the dish, not the "singer".
How about a want ad for honesty in gummint? To paraphrase the great Fred Allen: "You could take all the honesty in Washington, put it in a flea's navel, and still have room left over for three caraway seeds and a lobbyist's heart."
Finally a demographic tailor made to appreciate my complete John Anderson for President Memorabilia collection.
I keep waiting for him to rejoin Yes. Oh. Wait.
John Anderson was quite a talent on the guitar and vocals. I don't know which I like more, Close to the Edge or Fragile.
Steve Howe libel!!
The Yes Album libel!
He was my first presidential vote. Always a soft spot in my heart for that coot.
Mine too…. Those were the days.
John Denver. Mediocre song writer. Somewhat worse pilot.
Too soon!
(not really)
Apparently you didn't have to listen to Rocky Mountain High five thousand times in college…
"How did we meet? You see, kids, your mother and I were both commenters on a web log where mean people said mean things about other mean people."
"Now, Lil Snark, eat your brocolli or you will not get any dessert".
We're not mean. We're just pissed off. Always.
We veer from snark (like me) to sarcasm (well, too many of us to mention). But we are not mean. We are merely MAD AS HELL AND NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE. Ahem.
And we're only pissed off because we're paying attention.
How did you get a hold of SorosBot and mine's wedding vows?
Is Rebecca presiding over the nuptials? I heard in California, all you need is a domain registration to perform weddings.
We've already had the rehearsal with Rebecca, so we are ready! http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/re…
But then who would livebloog it?
I think we'll need to print out the comments from that Santorum thread where we decided to start dating.
Certainly someone in this motley crew is a mail order minister.
I majored in Motley in college, but in my junior year I switched to Mopery.
Actually, I am really a clergy-type person. MT and SB, fly me to the Bay Area and I'll perform your wedding!
For Sale:
My Virginity.
Slightly used.
I call shenanigans on this post.
I recently parked my Virginity so that I could let the mileage appear reduced when I decided to sell it.
Just put your virginity up on blocks and run it in reverse.
Finally, somewhere I can sell my Breitbart memorabilia.
For sale: One odoriferous shriveled heart.
wrapped in bacon.
O/T Hurricane Post:
Yeah OK Sandy. Welcome to New York. Have fun. Flood all you want. While you're out doing that, we're gonna go round and burgle your house, jack your car, steal all of your credit card info, sign you up for a lifetime NAMBLA membership, and put your s**t up for sale on eBay. Fu** you fu**ing hurricanes, you just don't learn. NEW YORK IS WHERE STORMS COME TO DIE.
Jus' like empires in Afghanistan.
Oh no you don't!! After Hurricane Sandy wipes out the East Coast, my supply of Hobo Beans will be very popular with the handful of survivors.
That's perfect. I hope you make them fight for a can. Film it.
Maple flavored jelly beans, sound more like an instrument of torture rather than a survival food.
I would like to sell my soul, please.
Koch Bros already own it.
Why go through the classifieds when you can simply talk to Biel_ze_bubba himself via comments? You won't get a better deal on your soul anywhere else!
Will you take a sandwich for that?
Have you considered a reverse mortgage on the remainder of your life?
Can we use our pee to buy things in the Wonkette store? Piat money — the new gold standard!!
The post-Sandy New Economy emerges! How many upfists per p? Hope there won't be any currency manipulation.
what about Ameros and bitcoins?
Impeccable timing! I've got 15 pallets of Amway and Mary Kay to unload.
Awesome! I'm taking my shirtless, bathroom mirror pic right now…
What's so special about a picture of a bathroom mirror with no shirt on it?
Ur doin it rong.
Check out the globes on this one.
Reminds me of the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six.
Eccentrica Galumbits FTW!
Junk shots or gtfo.
Why sure, I'd be delighted to oblige. I had a little fedora made for it, you'll love it.
No photos of Drudge, please.
win.
Pia Fedora?
I'm seeking other individuals to declare a Provisional Government should society collapse. Who else wants me to be Supreme Ruler?
Pick me! Pick me! A chicken for every pot! Pot for all the chickens! Hell, pot for everybody!
I see you more as my trusted adviser, with myself as sort of a Henry VIII monarch with his especially bad temper, but sounds good.
We can sort it all out later. (Nods at assassin)
Will your toadies get cushy jobs and have opportunities for graft?
Yes! You see, I have been watching all the instructional shows, like this "Revolution" show where the power has gone out, that "Carter from ER vs. The Aliens" show that's only on during the summer on TNT, and that one where the nuclear sub captain takes over a tropical island. I have been stockpiling plot twists and reveals in case of emergency.
Very good sir – excellent planning!
I always thought Frank Pembleton was wrapped a little too tight to be given the keys to a ballistic missile submarine.
Haha! It does seem more like something an iconoclast like Munch would pull.
I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse. Will that help? It mostly consists of taking over and locking down a local brewery.
I wanna drive the Nautilus.
Using the "Left Behind" series as a reference?
Will you be needing any pissants?
No, but he will need a Piss Boy.
Wait for the shake!
Do I get to be Falstaff?
In your Supreme Ruler gig, it would be helpful if you enjoyed being advised by a cabinet of wise-asses who have no constructive suggestions on how to to rule, but lots of hilarious commentary on the way you do it.
If you're the Pry Mincer, I wanna be the Shadder Mincer.
Depends. Who's gonna be the Kwisatz Haderach?
Can I be Minister for Religious Genocide?
Can I be a Colonel? They seem to do well in these kinds of governments.
I'm sorry Chet, I'm afraid I've already been declared His Divine Imperial Majesty of the East Pacific Mandate. However, I'm sure I could find you an Interior Minister post or something of the like…
What did you do with the fifty bucks I sent you? I hope it starts with medical and ends with uana.
*tries to picture a medical iguana…maybe in a little nurse's uniform*
Ever had one of those beasts whip you with it's tail? I'm thinking a little SS uniform is more apropos.
Ze nacht of ze iguanas.
Dear Daily Caller: I voluntarily looked at this web site and was offered something for free. Please expose their SEIU communism in an eight-part series.
Thank you.
BowTieFapper
BTW, since I clicked on the link from the story the other week, Amazon is still urging me to buy Cabbage Patch dolls. Erp…
Excellent. I have a couple of shrink wrapped pallets of "Detroit Tigers, 2012 World Series Champions" gear.
At last my dream of selling eye-doctor services without the services of a doctor comes true!
Rand, is that you?
Send $9.95 to Rand Paul for your certificate.
In a few hours I'll have some waterfront property at 34th and Madison for sale.
It's almost like you live on an island…
In Nevada you can barter a chicken for three of these.
And you'll get change back. Like an egg salad samwich or something.
Mom and pop will survive just fine on the cat and dog food bought from Amazon. 'Killing two ol' birds with one stone' has double the entendre here.
Where's my beans?
(also, stay safe Wonkette and anyone east of I-95… where the real news happens)
And west of "the 5" as we call it "out" here.
I have a piece of toast with Reagan's image on it. Can I sell that here?
You'd probably do a lot better over at Redstate classifieds with that.
Breakfast time.
It is probably less "toast" than he was during his last term.
I'll trade anything I own for guns.
I tried to sign up for newsletter but teh intertubes wouldn't let me. I suspect racist against middle-aged white males.
I signed up. A wk. late & a dollar short, really.
I have Mitt Romney's last shred of integrity for sale. What am I bid?
You're gonna have to post pics of that, because I heard he hasn't still got any shreds of that integrity. And what he did have he was sharing with Paul Ryan.
http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6164/6232745798_a4…
I have some leftover pizza.
When is Wonket TV channel?
mom (no Pop) website
As long as you're stocked up on the Saranwrap, I guess it's OK…
I bet I can sell raffle tickets for a bench seats in my new bunker? BTW: The interior is painted a lovely shade of Terror Level Green.
I'm more excited than I was when Johnny Depp was on 21 Jump Street.
Erryday commiegirl is hustlin' monetizin'. Hustlin monetizin'.
Just a suggestion for the next survey I would like to see the Wonkette ask " On a rainy day, do you let you dog snuggle with you on your favorite blanket?" I think that would get some good feedback for you.
On, or under the blanket?
Which is a dumb question, since Wonketeers all use Slankets®.
Biff, does it matter? Nice avatar by the way. In a past life I used to be a big Snoopy fan too.
Of course it matters, for the kink factor! Joe Cool, in honor of our VP's debate performance…
Wrong answer. You were supposed to point out that a warm dog is the only form of heat you will have as a hobo in Romerica.
Anyone have a raft or an ark they're thinking of selling?
I'm not sure which angle to go with for my personal.
This? http://i.imgur.com/V7BXv.jpg
or this? http://i.imgur.com/QmxCy.gif
Hurricane Special: a week at my cozy Pacific Northwest bunker in the north Cascades! Includes a generator, clean well water, safe septic and my special home-cookin'. Must like dogs and horses. No TV but I can serve up reliable interweb service. What more do you need?
I'm sold.
I'll swing by the store for some more gin…
Oooh, and limes! We don't want to get scurvy.
As long as we get one-stop shopping to serve our guns 'n' abortions needs, (ok, and bibbles for them as likes 'em,) The Wonkette Store will be a certain winner!
(Edited) How could I leave out TruckNutz? I iz bad!
This is such good news. The people who were responding to my CraigsList ads were just so normal.
Is the author like totally lost it, you know, because Style?
And please: no broken CRTs or soiled mattresses!
99 Pee Points!
Five bucks per point OBO!
Call the number flashing on your screen RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
Hurry & scarf some up while you can – these little motherfuckers are selling like hotcakes!
ooh, sign me up for everlasting love, please!
Where can I buy some Hobo ™ beans? I'm sure my gay Republican teenage son would love them, because HOBOS! (He doesn't hate the poors, and he has always been fascinated with hobos. But somehow he becames a Republican. Probably a recessive gene that went splodey.)
Editrix, if you're improving the site, why don't you get rid of that silly-looking woman w/ the glasses who still appears on the newsletter sign-up page? And really, is it still the "D.C. Gossip?"
How crass! I'm just here for the luvz, dontchaknow.
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