important wonkette announcements

Hobos, Come Here To Sell Your Sad Cans Of Hobo Beans, Find Everlasting Love

Eat em up yumWhat’s this, what’s this? Are we starting up Wonkette Classifieds? Indeed we are, Poors, and at just the right hobo price: FREE. You could sell a boat! Or barter some moon rocks! Or pen a plaintive missive seeking love from likeminded jerk-offs! But why are we doing this when it will not make us any muneez? That is an excellent question that we will figure out later! Mostly because we love you, idiots, whatever, we guess.

You’ll want to make a fake Gmail address or something, as these will be very PRIMITIVE and will not come with mailboxes. Your Editrix will approve them before they post, so don’t try to sell your children into sex slavery please. This is not the Village Voice. Also, your Editrix has a very low tolerance for shitty scams, so, you know, don’t do that.

By the way, since we’ve got you here, have you been putting in your hours in Wonkville, the Wonkette story mines? Look, it’s right over there — > . Have you signed up for our newsletter? It’s right over there too! Have you been clicking on that tiny Amazon logo at the bottom of the Amazon box? If you are going to shop at Amazon and put a mom and pop store out of business, shouldn’t you divert a chunk of Amazon’s filthy lucre to a mom (no pop) website? YES YOU SHOULD.

Also too to watch for, coming soon: a Wonkette store, filled with fabulous items. Oh, what a glorious day it shall be!

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    Will the Wonkette store have emergency contraception for sale?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Plan W.

      • Barbara_

        They look like upside down M&M's. What the hell…..?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Whatever the shape, I bet the edges are razor sharp for "her protection".

        • Abernathy

          Just consider them God's "pre-gifts."

    • nounverb911

      A Todd Akin fright mask?

    • Terry

      No, but you can buy plastic sheeting, Wesson oil, and sex toys in bulk.

      • Barbara_

        Terry, now I know what it feels like to "owe my soul to the company store." Rebecca is going to be super rich!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        That reminds me, does it have sound proof floorboards? I need to replace a few that were scratched from the underside.

    • eggsacklywright

      How much for an abortion?

      • LibertyLover

        Don't you get those for free at the abortionplex anyway?

        • eggsacklywright

          Silly, I don't want to get one, I just want to buy one and save it for later.

          • memzilla

            Oh, you want Abortion Futures. Abortionplex.com has the latest bid/ask numbers.

        • redarmyzombie

          Eh, they're a dollar, but close enough anyways.

    • redarmyzombie

      Do we know if it carries its own line of liquor?

  • mrpuma2u

    Finally someplace someone might buy all those 8 track tapes. I think "John Denver's greatest hits" is the crown jewel in the collection of gems.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I've got quite a collection of awesome VCR tapes.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Any that don't have "XXX" in the title?

        • Terry

          Baldar's selling tapes of classic episodes of Jeopardy

        • Beowoof

          Vin Diesel !!libel!!

      • Lot_49

        What? No Betamax or Super8?

    • HarryButtle

      Rocky mountain hhiiiiiiii

      CHA-CHUNK

      iiiiiigh, Colorado

      The glory of 8-track technology…

      • thatsitfortheother1

        I'm sticking a #2 pencil in my ears as we speak. Thanks a lot.

        • HarryButtle

          Sorry. My college roomie was also musically obsessive. A very mild-mannered neighbor once threatened him with physical violence (and I'm pretty sure he meant it) after being subjected to a whole day of Jim Morrison crooning People are Strange at maximum volume (and this was the olden days of records before digital repeat, so he'd have to sit at the turntable, manually lifting and replacing the needle every time the song ended).

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Are splurge gunz for whipped cream assassins okay? Or must everything be vegan, and only spud gunz?

  • iTuna

    Hey east coast Wonketteers, be careful out there.

    • Barbara_

      It's going to be okay, iTuna. Todd Akin knows that Mother Nature "has ways of shutting this thing down."

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        The human race?

        • LibertyLover

          The ultimate in self protection… maybe she should only protect herself from industrialized nations?

        • eggsacklywright

          All you human viruses are belong to…?

    • HarryButtle

      Phil Esterhaus libel!

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Awwww, thanks.

  • BadKitty904

    Love for sale,
    Appetizing young love for sale,
    Love that's fresh and still unspoiled,
    Love that's only slightly soiled,
    Love for sale…

    • eggsacklywright

      Do you accept bitchcoins?

  • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

    Editrix just wants to see boys' Linuses.

    • Tommy1733

      I'll sell her that privilege. $2.45.

    • eggsacklywright

      Many upfists in your general direction.

      • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

        Linuxes? What?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    So, what's the code word for when I want to sell some puff?

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      Puff.

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Ffup.

    • Tommy1733

      "Terrorism".

    • eggsacklywright

      Dragon.

    • http://gratuity.wordpress.com/ Gratuitous World

      9/11

    • Gleem McShineys

      "Book for sale: Charlie the Choom Choom"

      Or maybe "Do It Yourself Lung Exercise Kit"

  • AlterNewt

    Minor surgery and home repair. Totally legit.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Angina's List

      • eggsacklywright

        Win a free vacation to the beautiful Isles of Langerhans.

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Is that the place with the insulin factory?

    • mrpuma2u

      Can you do some EST on my crazy little puppy mill refugee lapdog that wants to bite everybody?

      • AlterNewt

        No job too big or small.

  • http://www.flickr.com/photos/30500320@N06/ DerrickWildcat

    weird

  • EatsBabyDingos

    So, nothing crazy like $5,000,000 for Bammerz grades and bin Laden Daytimer..

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      but you can TOTALLY sell bamz' senate seat.

      that's fuckin golden.

  • ProgressiveInga

    "Your Editrix will approve them before they post, so don’t try to sell your children into sex slavery please."
    So, buttsecks or no buttsecks? This is unclear to me at this point…

    • YouFail4eva

      I think it's kinda buttsechs. Halfway in, halfway out.

      • mrpuma2u

        Isn't that working for tips only?

  • noodlesalad

    Staying at home from work today, no choice but to get wrapped up in the hurricane hype. Good news is I've decided to re-name my fat cat who hates on the other animals in my house and constantly steals their food "Governor Christie."

    • thatsitfortheother1

      I think that paying attention to the weather warnings is prudent. But don't you live in Denver?

    • Mittens Howell, III

      Give Governor Christie an ice cream and post pics.

      • noodlesalad

        I tried to do this, but he just started yowling at the dogs and totally screwed the photo op.

    • LibertyLover

      You should rename one of the other cats "Meatloaf."

      • bobbert

        Arguably, all cats should be named "Meatloaf". After the dish, not the "singer".

  • memzilla

    How about a want ad for honesty in gummint? To paraphrase the great Fred Allen: "You could take all the honesty in Washington, put it in a flea's navel, and still have room left over for three caraway seeds and a lobbyist's heart."

  • Goonemeritus

    Finally a demographic tailor made to appreciate my complete John Anderson for President Memorabilia collection.

    • EatsBabyDingos

      I keep waiting for him to rejoin Yes. Oh. Wait.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      John Anderson was quite a talent on the guitar and vocals. I don't know which I like more, Close to the Edge or Fragile.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Steve Howe libel!!

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          The Yes Album libel!

    • larrykat

      He was my first presidential vote. Always a soft spot in my heart for that coot.

      • LibertyLover

        Mine too…. Those were the days.

  • thatsitfortheother1

    John Denver. Mediocre song writer. Somewhat worse pilot.

    • ProgressiveInga

      Too soon!
      (not really)

      • thatsitfortheother1

        Apparently you didn't have to listen to Rocky Mountain High five thousand times in college…

  • Disassembly

    "How did we meet? You see, kids, your mother and I were both commenters on a web log where mean people said mean things about other mean people."

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Now, Lil Snark, eat your brocolli or you will not get any dessert".

    • Lascauxcaveman

      We're not mean. We're just pissed off. Always.

      • PugglesRule

        We veer from snark (like me) to sarcasm (well, too many of us to mention). But we are not mean. We are merely MAD AS HELL AND NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE. Ahem.

      • Isyaignert

        And we're only pissed off because we're paying attention.

    • MissTaken

      How did you get a hold of SorosBot and mine's wedding vows?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Is Rebecca presiding over the nuptials? I heard in California, all you need is a domain registration to perform weddings.

      • SorosBot

        I think we'll need to print out the comments from that Santorum thread where we decided to start dating.

    • mrpuma2u

      Certainly someone in this motley crew is a mail order minister.

      • memzilla

        I majored in Motley in college, but in my junior year I switched to Mopery.

      • MosesInvests

        Actually, I am really a clergy-type person. MT and SB, fly me to the Bay Area and I'll perform your wedding!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    For Sale:

    My Virginity.

    Slightly used.

    • Tommy1733

      I call shenanigans on this post.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I recently parked my Virginity so that I could let the mileage appear reduced when I decided to sell it.

      • memzilla

        Just put your virginity up on blocks and run it in reverse.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Finally, somewhere I can sell my Breitbart memorabilia.

    • Geminisunmars

      For sale: One odoriferous shriveled heart.

      • Mittens Howell, III

        wrapped in bacon.

  • memzilla

    O/T Hurricane Post:

    Yeah OK Sandy. Welcome to New York. Have fun. Flood all you want. While you're out doing that, we're gonna go round and burgle your house, jack your car, steal all of your credit card info, sign you up for a lifetime NAMBLA membership, and put your s**t up for sale on eBay. Fu** you fu**ing hurricanes, you just don't learn. NEW YORK IS WHERE STORMS COME TO DIE.

    • eggsacklywright

      Jus' like empires in Afghanistan.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Oh no you don't!! After Hurricane Sandy wipes out the East Coast, my supply of Hobo Beans will be very popular with the handful of survivors.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      That's perfect. I hope you make them fight for a can. Film it.

    • kittensdontlie

      Maple flavored jelly beans, sound more like an instrument of torture rather than a survival food.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    I would like to sell my soul, please.

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      Koch Bros already own it.

    • HistoriCat

      Why go through the classifieds when you can simply talk to Biel_ze_bubba himself via comments? You won't get a better deal on your soul anywhere else!

    • Abernathy

      Will you take a sandwich for that?

    • eggsacklywright

      Have you considered a reverse mortgage on the remainder of your life?

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    Can we use our pee to buy things in the Wonkette store? Piat money — the new gold standard!!

    • Lot_49

      The post-Sandy New Economy emerges! How many upfists per p? Hope there won't be any currency manipulation.

    • redarmyzombie

      what about Ameros and bitcoins?

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    Impeccable timing! I've got 15 pallets of Amway and Mary Kay to unload.

  • gullywompr

    Awesome! I'm taking my shirtless, bathroom mirror pic right now…

    • Tommy1733

      What's so special about a picture of a bathroom mirror with no shirt on it?

      • gullywompr

        Ur doin it rong.

      • Lot_49

        Check out the globes on this one.

        • Tommy1733

          Reminds me of the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six.

          • MosesInvests

            Eccentrica Galumbits FTW!

    • HistoriCat

      Junk shots or gtfo.

      • gullywompr

        Why sure, I'd be delighted to oblige. I had a little fedora made for it, you'll love it.

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          No photos of Drudge, please.

          • gullywompr

            win.

        • eggsacklywright

          Pia Fedora?

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    I'm seeking other individuals to declare a Provisional Government should society collapse. Who else wants me to be Supreme Ruler?

    • Yellerdawg

      Pick me! Pick me! A chicken for every pot! Pot for all the chickens! Hell, pot for everybody!

    • BlueStateLibel

      I see you more as my trusted adviser, with myself as sort of a Henry VIII monarch with his especially bad temper, but sounds good.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        We can sort it all out later. (Nods at assassin)

    • HistoriCat

      Will your toadies get cushy jobs and have opportunities for graft?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Yes! You see, I have been watching all the instructional shows, like this "Revolution" show where the power has gone out, that "Carter from ER vs. The Aliens" show that's only on during the summer on TNT, and that one where the nuclear sub captain takes over a tropical island. I have been stockpiling plot twists and reveals in case of emergency.

        • HistoriCat

          Very good sir – excellent planning!

        • BaldarTFlagass

          I always thought Frank Pembleton was wrapped a little too tight to be given the keys to a ballistic missile submarine.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Haha! It does seem more like something an iconoclast like Munch would pull.

        • BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse. Will that help? It mostly consists of taking over and locking down a local brewery.

        • eggsacklywright

          I wanna drive the Nautilus.

        • Tommy1733

          Using the "Left Behind" series as a reference?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Will you be needing any pissants?

      • MissTaken

        No, but he will need a Piss Boy.

        • Biff

          Wait for the shake!

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Do I get to be Falstaff?

    • Lot_49

      In your Supreme Ruler gig, it would be helpful if you enjoyed being advised by a cabinet of wise-asses who have no constructive suggestions on how to to rule, but lots of hilarious commentary on the way you do it.

    • eggsacklywright

      If you're the Pry Mincer, I wanna be the Shadder Mincer.

    • memzilla

      Depends. Who's gonna be the Kwisatz Haderach?

    • MosesInvests

      Can I be Minister for Religious Genocide?

    • docterry6973

      Can I be a Colonel? They seem to do well in these kinds of governments.

    • redarmyzombie

      I'm sorry Chet, I'm afraid I've already been declared His Divine Imperial Majesty of the East Pacific Mandate. However, I'm sure I could find you an Interior Minister post or something of the like…

  • cassamandra

    What did you do with the fifty bucks I sent you? I hope it starts with medical and ends with uana.

    • BadKitty904

      *tries to picture a medical iguana…maybe in a little nurse's uniform*

      • gullywompr

        Ever had one of those beasts whip you with it's tail? I'm thinking a little SS uniform is more apropos.

        • eggsacklywright

          Ze nacht of ze iguanas.

  • Abernathy

    Dear Daily Caller: I voluntarily looked at this web site and was offered something for free. Please expose their SEIU communism in an eight-part series.
    Thank you.
    BowTieFapper

  • gullywompr

    BTW, since I clicked on the link from the story the other week, Amazon is still urging me to buy Cabbage Patch dolls. Erp…

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Excellent. I have a couple of shrink wrapped pallets of "Detroit Tigers, 2012 World Series Champions" gear.

  • BlueStateLibel

    At last my dream of selling eye-doctor services without the services of a doctor comes true!

    • MosesInvests

      Rand, is that you?

    • thatsitfortheother1

      Send $9.95 to Rand Paul for your certificate.

  • Buzz Feedback

    In a few hours I'll have some waterfront property at 34th and Madison for sale.

    • DahBoner

      It's almost like you live on an island…

  • kyeshinka

    In Nevada you can barter a chicken for three of these.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      And you'll get change back. Like an egg salad samwich or something.

  • kittensdontlie

    Mom and pop will survive just fine on the cat and dog food bought from Amazon. 'Killing two ol' birds with one stone' has double the entendre here.

  • Beach_Bubba_Tex

    Where's my beans?

    (also, stay safe Wonkette and anyone east of I-95… where the real news happens)

    • Lot_49

      And west of "the 5" as we call it "out" here.

  • BadKitty904

    I have a piece of toast with Reagan's image on it. Can I sell that here?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      You'd probably do a lot better over at Redstate classifieds with that.

    • Tommy1733

      Breakfast time.

    • thatsitfortheother1

      It is probably less "toast" than he was during his last term.

  • Tommy1733

    I'll trade anything I own for guns.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    I tried to sign up for newsletter but teh intertubes wouldn't let me. I suspect racist against middle-aged white males.

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      I signed up. A wk. late & a dollar short, really.

  • LibertyLover

    I have Mitt Romney's last shred of integrity for sale. What am I bid?

    • Tommy1733

      You're gonna have to post pics of that, because I heard he hasn't still got any shreds of that integrity. And what he did have he was sharing with Paul Ryan.

    • eggsacklywright

      I have some leftover pizza.

  • eggsacklywright

    When is Wonket TV channel?

  • DahBoner

    mom (no Pop) website

    As long as you're stocked up on the Saranwrap, I guess it's OK…

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I bet I can sell raffle tickets for a bench seats in my new bunker? BTW: The interior is painted a lovely shade of Terror Level Green.

  • Redgyal

    I'm more excited than I was when Johnny Depp was on 21 Jump Street.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Erryday commiegirl is hustlin' monetizin'. Hustlin monetizin'.

  • Redgyal

    Just a suggestion for the next survey I would like to see the Wonkette ask " On a rainy day, do you let you dog snuggle with you on your favorite blanket?" I think that would get some good feedback for you.

    • Biff

      On, or under the blanket?
      Which is a dumb question, since Wonketeers all use Slankets®.

      • Redgyal

        Biff, does it matter? Nice avatar by the way. In a past life I used to be a big Snoopy fan too.

        • Biff

          Of course it matters, for the kink factor! Joe Cool, in honor of our VP's debate performance…

          • Redgyal

            Wrong answer. You were supposed to point out that a warm dog is the only form of heat you will have as a hobo in Romerica.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Anyone have a raft or an ark they're thinking of selling?

  • HateMachine

    I'm not sure which angle to go with for my personal.

    This? http://i.imgur.com/V7BXv.jpg
    or this? http://i.imgur.com/QmxCy.gif

  • UW8316154

    Hurricane Special: a week at my cozy Pacific Northwest bunker in the north Cascades! Includes a generator, clean well water, safe septic and my special home-cookin'. Must like dogs and horses. No TV but I can serve up reliable interweb service. What more do you need?

    • emmelemm

      I'm sold.

      • UW8316154

        I'll swing by the store for some more gin…

        • emmelemm

          Oooh, and limes! We don't want to get scurvy.

  • oenspiek

    As long as we get one-stop shopping to serve our guns 'n' abortions needs, (ok, and bibbles for them as likes 'em,) The Wonkette Store will be a certain winner!

    (Edited) How could I leave out TruckNutz? I iz bad!

  • Close_Read

    This is such good news. The people who were responding to my CraigsList ads were just so normal.

  • BenGleck

    Is the author like totally lost it, you know, because Style?

  • chascates

    And please: no broken CRTs or soiled mattresses!

  • lulzmonger

    99 Pee Points!
    Five bucks per point OBO!
    Call the number flashing on your screen RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

    Hurry & scarf some up while you can – these little motherfuckers are selling like hotcakes!

  • editor

    ooh, sign me up for everlasting love, please!

  • PugglesRule

    Where can I buy some Hobo ™ beans? I'm sure my gay Republican teenage son would love them, because HOBOS! (He doesn't hate the poors, and he has always been fascinated with hobos. But somehow he becames a Republican. Probably a recessive gene that went splodey.)

  • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

    Editrix, if you're improving the site, why don't you get rid of that silly-looking woman w/ the glasses who still appears on the newsletter sign-up page? And really, is it still the "D.C. Gossip?"

  • ttommyunger

    How crass! I'm just here for the luvz, dontchaknow.