Hobos, Come Here To Sell Your Sad Cans Of Hobo Beans, Find Everlasting Love

  important wonkette announcements

Eat em up yumWhat’s this, what’s this? Are we starting up Wonkette Classifieds? Indeed we are, Poors, and at just the right hobo price: FREE. You could sell a boat! Or barter some moon rocks! Or pen a plaintive missive seeking love from likeminded jerk-offs! But why are we doing this when it will not make us any muneez? That is an excellent question that we will figure out later! Mostly because we love you, idiots, whatever, we guess.

You’ll want to make a fake Gmail address or something, as these will be very PRIMITIVE and will not come with mailboxes. Your Editrix will approve them before they post, so don’t try to sell your children into sex slavery please. This is not the Village Voice. Also, your Editrix has a very low tolerance for shitty scams, so, you know, don’t do that.

By the way, since we’ve got you here, have you been putting in your hours in Wonkville, the Wonkette story mines? Look, it’s right over there — > . Have you signed up for our newsletter? It’s right over there too! Have you been clicking on that tiny Amazon logo at the bottom of the Amazon box? If you are going to shop at Amazon and put a mom and pop store out of business, shouldn’t you divert a chunk of Amazon’s filthy lucre to a mom (no pop) website? YES YOU SHOULD.

Also too to watch for, coming soon: a Wonkette store, filled with fabulous items. Oh, what a glorious day it shall be!

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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194 comments

      1. Barbara_

        Terry, now I know what it feels like to "owe my soul to the company store." Rebecca is going to be super rich!

      2. Jus_Wonderin

        That reminds me, does it have sound proof floorboards? I need to replace a few that were scratched from the underside.

  1. mrpuma2u

    Finally someplace someone might buy all those 8 track tapes. I think "John Denver's greatest hits" is the crown jewel in the collection of gems.

        1. HarryButtle

          Sorry. My college roomie was also musically obsessive. A very mild-mannered neighbor once threatened him with physical violence (and I'm pretty sure he meant it) after being subjected to a whole day of Jim Morrison crooning People are Strange at maximum volume (and this was the olden days of records before digital repeat, so he'd have to sit at the turntable, manually lifting and replacing the needle every time the song ended).

    1. Barbara_

      It's going to be okay, iTuna. Todd Akin knows that Mother Nature "has ways of shutting this thing down."

        1. LibertyLover

          The ultimate in self protection… maybe she should only protect herself from industrialized nations?

  2. BadKitty904

    Love for sale,
    Appetizing young love for sale,
    Love that's fresh and still unspoiled,
    Love that's only slightly soiled,
    Love for sale…

  3. ProgressiveInga

    "Your Editrix will approve them before they post, so don’t try to sell your children into sex slavery please."
    So, buttsecks or no buttsecks? This is unclear to me at this point…

  4. noodlesalad

    Staying at home from work today, no choice but to get wrapped up in the hurricane hype. Good news is I've decided to re-name my fat cat who hates on the other animals in my house and constantly steals their food "Governor Christie."

    1. thatsitfortheother1

      I think that paying attention to the weather warnings is prudent. But don't you live in Denver?

  5. memzilla

    How about a want ad for honesty in gummint? To paraphrase the great Fred Allen: "You could take all the honesty in Washington, put it in a flea's navel, and still have room left over for three caraway seeds and a lobbyist's heart."

  6. Goonemeritus

    Finally a demographic tailor made to appreciate my complete John Anderson for President Memorabilia collection.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      John Anderson was quite a talent on the guitar and vocals. I don't know which I like more, Close to the Edge or Fragile.

      1. thatsitfortheother1

        Apparently you didn't have to listen to Rocky Mountain High five thousand times in college…

  7. Disassembly

    "How did we meet? You see, kids, your mother and I were both commenters on a web log where mean people said mean things about other mean people."

      1. PugglesRule

        We veer from snark (like me) to sarcasm (well, too many of us to mention). But we are not mean. We are merely MAD AS HELL AND NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE. Ahem.

      1. SorosBot

        I think we'll need to print out the comments from that Santorum thread where we decided to start dating.

      1. MosesInvests

        Actually, I am really a clergy-type person. MT and SB, fly me to the Bay Area and I'll perform your wedding!

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I recently parked my Virginity so that I could let the mileage appear reduced when I decided to sell it.

  8. memzilla

    O/T Hurricane Post:

    Yeah OK Sandy. Welcome to New York. Have fun. Flood all you want. While you're out doing that, we're gonna go round and burgle your house, jack your car, steal all of your credit card info, sign you up for a lifetime NAMBLA membership, and put your s**t up for sale on eBay. Fu** you fu**ing hurricanes, you just don't learn. NEW YORK IS WHERE STORMS COME TO DIE.

  9. Dr_Zoidberg

    Oh no you don't!! After Hurricane Sandy wipes out the East Coast, my supply of Hobo Beans will be very popular with the handful of survivors.

    1. kittensdontlie

      Maple flavored jelly beans, sound more like an instrument of torture rather than a survival food.

    1. HistoriCat

      Why go through the classifieds when you can simply talk to Biel_ze_bubba himself via comments? You won't get a better deal on your soul anywhere else!

    1. Lot_49

      The post-Sandy New Economy emerges! How many upfists per p? Hope there won't be any currency manipulation.

    1. BlueStateLibel

      I see you more as my trusted adviser, with myself as sort of a Henry VIII monarch with his especially bad temper, but sounds good.

      1. Chet Kincaid_

        Yes! You see, I have been watching all the instructional shows, like this "Revolution" show where the power has gone out, that "Carter from ER vs. The Aliens" show that's only on during the summer on TNT, and that one where the nuclear sub captain takes over a tropical island. I have been stockpiling plot twists and reveals in case of emergency.

        1. BaldarTFlagass

          I always thought Frank Pembleton was wrapped a little too tight to be given the keys to a ballistic missile submarine.

        2. BigSkullF*ckingDog

          I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse. Will that help? It mostly consists of taking over and locking down a local brewery.

    2. Lot_49

      In your Supreme Ruler gig, it would be helpful if you enjoyed being advised by a cabinet of wise-asses who have no constructive suggestions on how to to rule, but lots of hilarious commentary on the way you do it.

    3. redarmyzombie

      I'm sorry Chet, I'm afraid I've already been declared His Divine Imperial Majesty of the East Pacific Mandate. However, I'm sure I could find you an Interior Minister post or something of the like…

  10. cassamandra

    What did you do with the fifty bucks I sent you? I hope it starts with medical and ends with uana.

      1. gullywompr

        Ever had one of those beasts whip you with it's tail? I'm thinking a little SS uniform is more apropos.

  11. Abernathy

    Dear Daily Caller: I voluntarily looked at this web site and was offered something for free. Please expose their SEIU communism in an eight-part series.
    Thank you.
    BowTieFapper

  12. gullywompr

    BTW, since I clicked on the link from the story the other week, Amazon is still urging me to buy Cabbage Patch dolls. Erp…

  13. kittensdontlie

    Mom and pop will survive just fine on the cat and dog food bought from Amazon. 'Killing two ol' birds with one stone' has double the entendre here.

  14. Beach_Bubba_Tex

    Where's my beans?

    (also, stay safe Wonkette and anyone east of I-95… where the real news happens)

  15. Blueb4sinrise

    I tried to sign up for newsletter but teh intertubes wouldn't let me. I suspect racist against middle-aged white males.

    1. Tommy1733

      You're gonna have to post pics of that, because I heard he hasn't still got any shreds of that integrity. And what he did have he was sharing with Paul Ryan.

  16. Jus_Wonderin

    I bet I can sell raffle tickets for a bench seats in my new bunker? BTW: The interior is painted a lovely shade of Terror Level Green.

  17. Redgyal

    Just a suggestion for the next survey I would like to see the Wonkette ask " On a rainy day, do you let you dog snuggle with you on your favorite blanket?" I think that would get some good feedback for you.

          1. Redgyal

            Wrong answer. You were supposed to point out that a warm dog is the only form of heat you will have as a hobo in Romerica.

  18. UW8316154

    Hurricane Special: a week at my cozy Pacific Northwest bunker in the north Cascades! Includes a generator, clean well water, safe septic and my special home-cookin'. Must like dogs and horses. No TV but I can serve up reliable interweb service. What more do you need?

  19. oenspiek

    As long as we get one-stop shopping to serve our guns 'n' abortions needs, (ok, and bibbles for them as likes 'em,) The Wonkette Store will be a certain winner!

    (Edited) How could I leave out TruckNutz? I iz bad!

  20. lulzmonger

    99 Pee Points!
    Five bucks per point OBO!
    Call the number flashing on your screen RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!

    Hurry & scarf some up while you can – these little motherfuckers are selling like hotcakes!

  21. PugglesRule

    Where can I buy some Hobo ™ beans? I'm sure my gay Republican teenage son would love them, because HOBOS! (He doesn't hate the poors, and he has always been fascinated with hobos. But somehow he becames a Republican. Probably a recessive gene that went splodey.)

  22. M. Bouffant

    Editrix, if you're improving the site, why don't you get rid of that silly-looking woman w/ the glasses who still appears on the newsletter sign-up page? And really, is it still the "D.C. Gossip?"

Comments are closed.