PART 9: MARXY MARX & THE FUNDIE BUNCH  11:00 am October 28, 2012

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook That Redistributes Reality To Home-Schooled Children

by Doktor Zoom

Everyone thinks the popular fictional character agrees with THEMSo now that we’re well into the nineteenth century with our hilarious 10th-grade textbook, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, we’re getting to some of the pivotal Bad Guys from the editors’ closetful of nightmare boogiemen. Last week it was Charles Darwin and a collection of terrifying Victorian philosophers who advocated such radical notions as benevolence to the poors. This week, we’ll be tackling the monster that scares the editors more than science, maybe even more than the Pope: Godless Communism!

And by this, we mean actual communism, not just all of the little bits of social reform that these nimrods also like to call “communism.” It is worth noting that, by the time this edition of the textbook was published, in 1997, the USSR and Eastern Bloc had already fallen, China’s economy was solidly capitalist, and the remaining countries that could be called “communist” could be counted on one hand. So of course, World History presents communism as the single greatest threat to freedom in the world, because after all, the UN still exists.

But let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves! Before we get to Karl Marx, let us first learn the sad lesson of Europe’s Utopian Socialists, whose utopian communes invariably failed, because the

evident trends in a socialist society included envy, resentment, conflict, and the desire to enforce equality by taking from the productive and giving to the nonproductive members of the society The main error of socialism — that man is capable of perfection –was proved time and again, demonstrating the sinfulness of human nature and making “utopia” an impossibility.

More importantly, these experiments in socialism failed because despite the laudable, if naive, desire to “improve the lot of mankind” focused only on mere physical realities like feeding and sheltering the poor:

But while attempting to aid society many also rejected Biblical Christianity as the true cure for humanity’s ills and instead accepted all sorts of ungodly philosophies (i.e. — revolutionary nationalism, modernism, idealism, dialectic thinking, Darwinism, socialism) as the solutions to man’s problems. Without Christian character, any attempt to reform society will ultimately fail (Prov. 14:34). As people rejected the Word of God and embraced the vain philosophies of men, they set the stage for the death and devastation of the world wars, reaping the “whirlwind” of destruction sown by their unbelief (Hos. 8:7).

Yes, kids, you read that right: Both world wars ultimately resulted from Europe’s rejection of the Bible. We are sort of wondering how Europe’s 65 years of non-warfare (OK, excluding former Yugoslavia) and increasing secularism since the end of World War II square with that claim, but our mention of the UN above is already too much reading ahead. We’ll just have to wait.

Despite its post-USSR publication date, World History is at heart a Cold War document. For instance, consider this definition of “communism” (again, it is in italics, so it is going to be on the test):

Communism is a form of socialism which advocates the violent overthrow of existing governments with the goal of changing society and ultimately perfecting mankind. Communism always results in a totalitarian dictatorship that dominates the person, property, and even thought of its citizens by means of force and terror.

That sounds pretty objective to us! Obviously, nobody would ever want to be a communist…or would they?

The ideas of many modern socialists and political scientists have been largely adapted from Communist ideology, and Communism has adversely affected the lives of the millions of people under its domination.

Oh, dear. We bet the universities are just full of them. (This is probably as good a place as any to mention that World History does not recognize any differences between communism as practiced by the parties with that name in the USSR and China and the purely theoretical “real communism” that you and your long-haired hippie friends in college said had never been really tried, man — from theory to totalitarian application, it’s all BAD, OK?) So what are the foundational ideas of communism, then?

Foundational to Communism is the atheistic idea that there are no absolutes — that everything in the universe is in a constant state of change and flux, and that the only reality is matter in motion.

Those darn atheists! You see what believing in matter gets you? Stalin! (And also Yossarian holding Snowden’s bleeding body in the windy fuselage of a flak-damaged B-25: “Man was matter, that was Snowden’s secret.”) Gosh, we wonder if there any wider implications of this clearly dangerous worldview?

Once Communism is established, it seeks to transform society and the nature of mankind into an atheistic, humanistic image of “perfection” — a self-sufficient, “pure” community with no need for God. Communism is the epitome of rebellion against God by Satan and by fallen humanity; it is the total repudiation of the Judeo-Christian tradition. Many Christians see Communism as the prototype of the beast-state described in the book of the Revelation which seeks to engulf and enslave humanity.

It is time for the world to realize that Communism is not just another political philosophy but a religion — a religion which promises utopia to its devotees. The state is worshiped in place of God.

(That last bit is from Satan is Alive and Well on Planet Earth, a 1972 book from Hal Lindsey before he started writing books that were actually labeled fiction.) Again, we simply cannot guess whether the collapse of “international communism” in the early 1990′s has put any discernable dent in Christianists’ certainty that a communist “beast-state” is on the way; presumably, however, the Affordable Care Act’s requirement that people buy health insurance from private companies is close enough for some believers. It seems like a bit of a letdown from being scared of the USSR, though. Maybe you just have to go to Armageddon with the Beast you have, not the Beast you wish you had.

So who were the knuckleheads that brought this awful system into being?

Communism is also known as Marxism-Leninism after two of its most infamous theorists, Karl Marx and Nikolai Lenin. As we examine the lives, words, and deeds of these two men and their disciples, we find not only a venomous hatred of God but also a total contempt for human life and liberty. Marx formulated the basic ideas of Communism, and Lenin (who added his own ideas) was the first to put Communism into practice on a wide scale. A third person, Friedrich Engels, organized Marx’s ideas into a pseudo-scientific format. The theories of these men have strongly influenced the social sciences and have distorted many modern writings on history, government, and education. The damage that they have done to society is inestimable.

One might read that line about “the damage they have done to society” as an indictment of the cruelties of communist governments in the 20th century, but that’s far too limited a reading — World History also considers virtually all of modern academe as tainted by Marxism, which is ultimately how we ended up with a clown like Rick Santorum campaigning on the notion that colleges are “indoctrination mills” that are cranking out Marxists. Marxists that want to be hedge fund managers, but still.

We have only gotten through — literally! — the first page of the textbook’s chapter on communism, and this post is already getting on the long side. So let us close for this week with a brief look at what a sidebar tells us are the differences between “communism” and “socialism”:

As previously stated, socialism is an economic system in which the government, rather than individuals, controls a nation’s businesses and industries. Socialists believe that the individual is unimportant when compared to the welfare of the group. They insist that the government must strictly regulate and control a nation’s resources in order to ensure that everyone receives an equal share of the wealth. Communism is a form of socialism which requires a violent, bloody revolution in order to set up a totalitarian dictatorship that controls every aspect of its people’s lives through force and terror. The main difference between socialism and Communism lies in their methods: what socialists (i.e.—the Fabian Society, ”democratic socialists” etc.) seek through legislation, regulation, and taxation, Communists seek through violent revolution. Both philosophies enslave people in a system that deprives them of their freedoms and property.

What’s kind of weird here is that, by this definition, not only are there hardly any communist nations anymore, there also aren’t really any socialist countries, either. The European countries that these folks almost certainly consider “socialist” are probably going to be pretty ticked off when they learn that they are “enslaved”…or at least they would be, if they’d just take some time off from their 6-week vacations and read the Bible to learn how bad they have it.

And finally, just because there’s almost never a topic that can’t be improved by a Randy Newman song, here’s his paean to Karl Marx, with a far more prosaic explanation for why Marxism won’t work:

Next Week: More Marxy-Snarxy Commie Follies! Also, Big News for fans of this feature: We have finally found an affordable copy of the third, 2010 edition of World History & Cultures on the e-bay machine, so we can be sure to be up-to-date on what weirdass versions of reality are being tossed at today’s Home-Schooled darlings!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 364 comments }

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 11:06 am

I have in my pocket a list of 234 known communis' agents working for Fox Noise. This evil must be ripped out at the roots.

Barbara_ October 28, 2012 at 11:07 am

The brunette roots?

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 11:10 am

Blondies uber alles!

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

and what about the bald guys, hengh??

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 7:22 pm

You guys OK up there???

boskolives October 28, 2012 at 11:16 am

Did Kunta Kinte Dye for your blonde roots?

Joey_brill October 28, 2012 at 1:09 pm

I'm not reaching into your pocket anymore, Father Wright.

LibertyLover October 28, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Darryl Issa must be alerted! He would want to know!

Wouldn't he?

Wile E. Quixote October 28, 2012 at 7:17 pm

And number one on the list is the owner of Fox Noise, Rupert Keith Murdoch, who has business dealings with the Chinese Communist Party and the Red Army and who goes home every night and fucks a member of the Chinese Communist Party.

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 11:08 am

Oh, dear, what will the students at Commie Martyr's high school think of this?

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

They're too busy cutting the soles off their shoes and learning to play the flute.

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 2:40 pm

Aww, you're making me nostalgic.

M. Bouffant October 28, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Morse Science!!

Tommy1733 October 29, 2012 at 11:05 am

With counter subversive educational priorities the way they are, well, it really helps our side to re-enlist.

Dashboard Buddha October 28, 2012 at 6:03 pm

More sugar!

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:11 pm

Shoes for industry!

AlterNewt October 28, 2012 at 11:08 am

Assume Jesus Jacobin

weejee October 28, 2012 at 11:20 am

Avec Madame la Guillotine?

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

She'll cut a bitch.

Negropolis October 28, 2012 at 10:53 pm

And, not with votes.

weejee October 28, 2012 at 11:11 am

♪♫ Che, Che, Che, they're a chain of fools ♫♪

AlterNewt October 28, 2012 at 11:13 am

Because Christianity abhors any philosophy that requires unquestioning and unreasoning allegiance.

GemlikeFlame October 28, 2012 at 9:46 pm

Including, apparently, liberation theology.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liberation_theology

Willardbot9000_V2.5 October 29, 2012 at 2:10 am

Yep a couple of thoughts come to mind: first off, these idiots are completely serious about a state church and forcing people by law to attend church. Second off, I always love when Calvinists and derivatives of Calvanism critique the 'damage' caused by other philosophies. After all, Calvin believed that only SOME people can go to heaven and if you're going to heaven it's decided the moment the ball mayo hits the egg to make a sammitch. Everyone else is of course, screwed….and of course they've put a rich-guy spin on it to justify their profiteering: you know who the 'elect' are because theyse rich! rich as hell! Which makes perfect sense when you consider most of these pastors enter their faith with dollar signs in their eyes.

Goonemeritus October 28, 2012 at 11:14 am

Man may well not be capable of perfection, but I have seen some women walking around Manhattan on my lunch hour that look pretty close.

James Michael Curley October 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

Ah! but summer is over and the winter coats come out.

Goonemeritus October 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

It's all good, as old as I am I can stand a break.

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Really. One can only stand so much wistful, hopeless longing.

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:13 pm

It's kind of hard on the penis, too, unless you use a lot of lube when you get back from lunch.

soeoho October 28, 2012 at 11:15 am

It was Hugh!
We will bury HUGH!
Get it right or I'll bang my shoe!

Angry_Marmot October 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

"I seize the means of production," gasped Natalia. "Now bury that Hugh Johnson within the masses of the proletariat!"

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 11:21 am

Apparently expressing dissent now equates to violent revolution. Huh.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:22 pm

But carrying a sign that says, "We came unarmed — THIS TIME" = move along, nothing to see here.

Lot_49 October 28, 2012 at 7:37 pm

I can't figure this one out.
http://www.cbs8.com/story/19930091/underage-drink

Cops stop a kid, he's got guns in the trunk of his car, they bust him for DUI. That's fine. But having guns in your car (as well as a "military-style knife") is legal, right? So why do the cops say this?

Investigators say if the incident had happened earlier in the day, while First Lady Michelle Obama was visiting San Diego, the law enforcement response would likely have been much more severe.

How "severe"? A beat-down? On-site execution?

The law is a mystery. Gun law is even weirder. Maybe we should just repeal that old Second Amendment at the same constitutional convention where we get rid of the electoral college and introduce proportional representation in the Senate.

frostbitefalls October 28, 2012 at 11:22 am

I wonder what Jesus had to say about those unproductive members of society…

Angry_Marmot October 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm

They toil not, but man, can they spin.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm

*VERY* nice!

zumpie October 28, 2012 at 11:23 am

Hey, Zoom, that was like all smarty smart and stuff, but where are the fucking ponies, hmmmmmm????

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 11:43 am
zumpie October 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

Thanks for that, I will now inflict that on Miss Zumpie, jr for inflciting those fucking ponies on me in the first place!

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 11:45 am

OK, so I did a search on "Marxist Ponies" and eventually ended up at a blog called "My Nationalist Pony," which appears to argue that MLP embodies all that is wrong with liberalism. It's pretty freaking bizarre.

zumpie October 28, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Is it real or is like this rather awesome forum from Landover Baptist? http://www.landoverbaptist.net/showthread.php?t=7… Either way, you owe me a link!

In other news, Miss Zumpie, jr thought the commie pinko pony from above was cute.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 12:13 pm

You can google it; it's too vile to link to.

He actually has a post titled "Breivik" that seems rather happy: "What has been started cannot be un-started." And another proclaiming “Trans” “People” should be banished from civilised society. And he's gay. And Christian. And convinced that most people secretly agree with his disgust at "diversity."

zumpie October 28, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Eeeewww. Think I'll pass

Biff October 28, 2012 at 12:38 pm

I did. Search result #2? This exact post! Assume mind blown.

Fare la Volpe October 28, 2012 at 2:08 pm

The entire site is insane. In addition to his rants about how white people are a special subspecies of humanity, he also brags about how he brushes his plastic ponies' hair in between weightlifting sessions and eating red meat "like a real man."

I don't know how to handle stupid this intense.

weejee October 28, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Ouch!! Clearly Dr. Isaiah is tryin' to Jones us,.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:28 pm

"teenagers between the ages of 15 and 35"

The inevitable result of being taught "creation math".

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:25 pm

"My Nationalist Pony"

Pinkie Pie is actually Pinko Pie?

starfanglednut October 28, 2012 at 11:25 am

Assume education dead.

SigDeFlyinMonky October 28, 2012 at 11:27 am

Utopias, everybody knows this is nowhere.

proudgrampa October 28, 2012 at 1:32 pm

I thought Utopia was Erewhon.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 4:37 pm

If you want to know More, ask your Butler.

mille derps October 28, 2012 at 6:08 pm

And I was thinking Todd Rundgren…

SorosBot October 28, 2012 at 11:28 am

Wait, how does socialism "enslave people in a system that deprives them of their freedoms"? People can have rights to free speech, freedom of the press and religion, right to equal protection under the law, and all other freedoms guaranteed in our bill of rights; there is nothing incompatible with socialism there. And indeed the people of the so-called socialist countries of northern Europe are pretty damned free.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 11:46 am

They just don't realize how bad they have it.

weejee October 28, 2012 at 12:16 pm

That's 'cause they have such easy access to good chocolate and sausage.

Lot_49 October 28, 2012 at 8:10 pm

Plus health care and public transportation.

BlueStateLibel October 28, 2012 at 3:30 pm

Reminds me of when I told a Canadian how American GOPeers think his universal health care is so terrible and he just started laughing his ass off.

LibertyLover October 28, 2012 at 3:49 pm

I had a Canadian tell me that their health care wasn't so good — that you had to wait weeks sometimes to get an appointment. I told her that happens now when I want to see a specialist in this country… But she pretty much shut up when I asked her the following question: "How many people go bankrupt in your country from medical bills?" Her answer? "None that she knew of."

finallyhappy October 28, 2012 at 4:50 pm

You only have to wait weeks?? I have to private pay for some doctors- they do not take insurance of any sort(I get some insurance reimbursement) and wait over a month.

viennawoods13 October 29, 2012 at 12:17 am

I really don't understand fellow Canadians whining about our system. Sure, it's not perfect. But my father survived a traumatic illness back when I was in university- 6 weeks in intensive care, 3 months in hospital, and yet I and my younger sister were able to finish university. No hassles from insurance companies, no bills for anything that wasn't covered. My oldest sister, 12 years ago, was diagnosed with leukemia, received a t-cell transplant, and is still with us, and despite the fact that she was basically broke at the time this all happened, she received the same care that anyone else would have received. The only uncovered expense, as far as I know, was some medication for my little sister, the t-cell donor.
Tommy Douglas (the founder of medicare) is my hero.

Katydid October 29, 2012 at 10:16 am

You only have to wait weeks? I have to wait years! And to pay for it I have to lick the road clean with me tongue.

But try telling that to Canadians these days. They won't believe you.

finallyhappy October 28, 2012 at 1:07 pm

what- you must be a commie socialist fascist yourself- asking those questions

SorosBot October 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

True; I seem to have forgotten that communism and socialism are just Bad Things, just as capitalism is a Good Thing, instead treating them as actual specific ideas. So it appears as if socialism and capitalism are both economic ideologies which are neutral with respect to personal liberties, and both capitalist and socialist economies can exist in either free or totalitarian societies.

No, capitalism is good, therefore free (we'll just pretend the fascists weren't capitalists, the same with modern China) and socialism is bad, therefore it's not free.

WABishop October 28, 2012 at 10:37 pm

True; as Jesus said in the parable of the pin factory, "it is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own interest."

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2012 at 1:07 pm

Ignorant and stupid is a way of life to them.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 29, 2012 at 12:34 am

You all seem to be ignoring the obvious: God says so.

UW8316154 October 28, 2012 at 11:30 am

I sincerely care about the welfare of the weak, poor, elderly, disabled vets ~ Guess I'm a godless socialist, guys.

miss_grundy October 28, 2012 at 10:30 pm

No, you're a commie pinko, godless socialist and you're probably a Kenyan and a Muslim.

redarmyzombie October 29, 2012 at 4:02 am

And a gay nazi, don't forget that.

Loch_Nessosaur October 28, 2012 at 11:32 am

be up-to-date on what weirdass versions of reality are being tossed at today’s Home-Schooled darlings

I'm sure it will be full of Darwin was right all along, the universe is 14 billion years old and the earth is around 4.5 billion years old, Catholics aren't so bad and Obama is a Communist, Muslim, Kenyan usurper to the White House.

Fun w/ Cthulhu October 28, 2012 at 2:56 pm

OK, OK… Enough with the Homeschooling stereotypes already. We were secular home-schoolers who ended up with 2 atheist kids in university. It is possible!

LibertyLover October 28, 2012 at 3:51 pm

The exception to every rule! ;-)

Katydid October 29, 2012 at 10:18 am

Yeah? Just look at your name. Not Jeebus-approved.

James Michael Curley October 28, 2012 at 11:33 am

Never met a communist who did not believe that his pile was his and should not be diminished.

mille derps October 28, 2012 at 1:08 pm

Wen Jiabao libel!

SigDeFlyinMonky October 28, 2012 at 11:39 am

Simplistic dualism and reductionism leaves a person unprepared to deal with the evident complexities of this existence. If Baron von Ungern-Sternberg fought the Reds in the civil war, is he a good guy? If these cretins looked at the life of Jozef Pilsudsky their brains would lock-up. Oh, they already have?

GeorgiaBurning October 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Three-syllable last names that end in a vowel are inherently un-American, unless they're Irish.

Wile E. Quixote October 28, 2012 at 7:06 pm

But even then those Irish need to be kept in their place and can only come in through the servant's entrance.

LibrarianX October 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

When you talk about social reform and "Christian charater" do you have The Crusades or the Inquisition in mind?

not that Dewey October 28, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Silly liberal. The Crusaders and the Inquisitors were merely "winning people over" with the "power of their arguments". Anyone who disagrees is the Real Ethnic Cleanser.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:22 pm

Nahh, mang, they were dirty Roman Catholic perversions of True Christianity. Free pass for Fundies!

LibrarianX October 28, 2012 at 4:33 pm

The obvious question: are Mormons True Christians?

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 4:38 pm

Not up until the Rmoney campaign began.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Nahh, they're awful heretics. But since the Other Guy is an Other, it might be OK for True Christians to vote for the heretic, sez Bryan Fissure

Pragmatist2 October 28, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Actually they probably are thinking about choir boys – pretty much all the time.

Blueb4sinrise October 28, 2012 at 11:44 am

…Randy Newman song.
Worse than Hitler Cato.

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 12:03 pm

Cato Institute?

Blueb4sinrise October 28, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Them too. I blame Cato teh Wanker.

RomneysLogCabin October 28, 2012 at 12:00 pm

"Give us this day our daily bread"

-Jesus

boskolives October 28, 2012 at 12:27 pm

'ow about some water to wash that day old bread down guv?

RomneysLogCabin October 28, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Who the hell do you think I am…God? Work for your own fucking water–hippy!

LibertyLover October 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

All out of water… just turned it all into wine…

RomneysLogCabin October 28, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Damn, I was fiendin' for some blood.

Fare la Volpe October 28, 2012 at 1:39 pm

And forgive us of our taxes

RomneysLogCabin October 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

as we also have forgiven our debtors.

Matthew 6:9-13

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Ugh — every time I think about how tiresomely reductionist and bad Marx's political philosophy, economics and history are, and start to wondering how anyone could have adopted his half-baked ideas as some sort of remedy, I'm reminded of the even worse political philosophy, economics and history they were standing against. Divine right of kings, anybody? Social darwinism? Laissez-faire economics?

The problem with political ideas is that new ideas don't have to be objectively good, just better than the crap we already have. The Soviet Union inspired so much dissident fiction and music and art — and most of it was dreck, but because it spoke out against the oppressive status quo, it was revered and thought of as brilliant and revolutionary. The Christians and their foul stinking aspirations to theocracy have much more in common with the USSR than they'd ever admit.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Ah, but the Ruskies are the evil mirror image! I mean, just look at how they write the letters R, N and Y backwards. It's obvs.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Also, too: Lenin, like Evil Spock, had a goatee.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 1:26 pm

And the Quarter Pounder is called a Royal Cheeseburger.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:32 pm

And instead of Duff, they serve Fudd.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 1:27 pm

And the Marx Brothers – Karl and Groucho – both smoked cigars, JUST LIKE CASTRO!

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2012 at 1:19 pm

But if only the Soviets had endorsed Southern Baptist Jesus, it would've been the best system in the whole world.

Close_Read October 28, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Chomsky calls the U.S. the most fundamentalist country in the world.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:36 pm

"every time I think about how tiresomely reductionist and bad Marx's political philosophy, economics and history are, and start to wondering how anyone could have adopted his half-baked ideas as some sort of remedy"

The story I heard is that Engles was visiting England back in the sweatshop/robber baron days, like in the Charles Dickens books, and this boy about 10 years old asked him for spare change.

They got into a conversation, and Engles said "Don't your parents have jobs?", and the boy said, "Yes, my whole family has jobs. They work from can't see to can't see". Engles followed the boy back to his drab room where the whole family lived, doing some kind of slave labor piecework and still not making enough to live on, and came away with the idea that this should not happen — and that was how the idea of communism got started.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 2:55 pm

And then Stalin made shortage and slavery cool.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 9:08 pm

Karlo Marx and Fredrich Engels
came to the checkout at the 7-11.
Marx was skint — but he had sense!
Engels lent him the necessary pence.

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Especially when they start yabbering about political reliability, er, Jeebusness.

deanbooth October 28, 2012 at 5:24 pm

I gotta recommend last year's biography of Marx, Love and Capital. He was a good man, and his life story is interesting as hell.

SheriffJoeBiden October 29, 2012 at 1:52 am

I think that's a rather hasty dismissal of Marx's contributions to political and economic thought. I'm not a historian, but as far as I know Marx and Engels blended economics with psychology and social justice in a way that was revolutionary and persists today. And while they weren't as rigorous as today's quants (as they lacked the data), the concept of a "reserve army of the unemployed" was original with them and remains all too relevant.

I daresay your own political beliefs would be different had nobody like Marx ever put pen to paper. Marx is still a landmark thinker regardless of whether his every theory holds true.

ttommyunger October 28, 2012 at 12:05 pm

OK, I'm really pissed! I waded through that whole fucking article and not one mention of teh buttsechs. C'mon, it's Sunday, get with it, for Jeebus!

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 12:19 pm

"…in order to set up a totalitarian dictatorship that controls every aspect of its people’s lives through force and terror."

Sounds like buttsecks to me.

ttommyunger October 28, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I know, but I'm having difficulty fapping to it. Mebbe iss juss teh olds catching up with me…..sob.

Callyson October 28, 2012 at 12:53 pm

I'm finding this entire election season very difficult to masturbate to.

ttommyunger October 28, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I dunno, Ryan sure has a purty mouth.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 1:28 pm

I'm confused – does that quote refer to the Fundies or the Commies?

Fare la Volpe October 28, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Yes.

PubOption October 28, 2012 at 12:08 pm

This is not socialist or collectivist. https://www.chministries.org/
It is merely a group of good Christians helping each other.

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2012 at 12:44 pm

Christians have nothing against universal healthcare — or practically anything else the government does, for that matter. What they object to is that the government does it and not them. Also, that CHMinistries thing just screams Ponzi scheme, so some lucky Christian is gonna walk away with a mint, and the rest of them will have their faith strengthened as a result — so win-win.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 12:57 pm

I dunno, it looks like an excellent healthcare solution for Stock Photos from all walks of life.

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Getty Images — when you want your brochure to look more like America than your customer base.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:04 pm

And they make excellent use of the Godawfully-Cliched Dot-Head-Spirit-People logo.

EDIT: http://www.artfagcity.com/2010/09/21/img-mgmt-squ

Not just a cliche of women's products, but all kinds of pharma products and non-profit organizations as well.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Oh, wow, I worked for a place with a similar logo!

(For halloween, we printed up a version with a Jack-o-lantern head)

PubOption October 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

My thought was that they are quite happy to spread (or collectivize if you would prefer) risks and benefits, as long as the group involved follows their dogma and preferably looks like them. I would bet that socialism begins when outsiders are added to the risk pool.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 6:38 pm

Yes, back in the early '80s as Young Adult Chet, still under the influence of Rev. Kincaid, I had a car insurance policy with a company for Christians who don't drink or smoke. Jesus never saw me smoke (tobacco), but I was told he had grown hypocritical about the wine business in His old age. I felt a lot better when I dumped that and went with Godless State Farm.

Fare la Volpe October 28, 2012 at 1:39 pm

"The Biblical Solution to Healthcare Costs"

Take three loaves and a fish and call me in the morning.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:39 pm

But don't take an aspirin, because you need to keep holding that between your knees.

Joshua Norton October 28, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Both world wars ultimately resulted from Europe’s rejection of the Bible.

I haz a confoosed. What about all the centuries of European wars that were a result of ACCEPTANCE of the Bible?

And not to Godwin myself, but Adolph was pretty much a christianist. The stuff he said about religion sounds like something Pat Robertson and his ilk would spew out on any given day.

http://www.nobeliefs.com/speeches.htm

'Splain that one to me.

not that Dewey October 28, 2012 at 12:15 pm

DoktorZoom, you can violently overthrow my Beast-State, any day of the week. Hubba hubba.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Um… dicktatorship of the proletariat?

not that Dewey October 28, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Cocktober Revolution?

JustPixelz October 28, 2012 at 12:32 pm

The principles of "atheist" communism come directly from the Bible! Share. Take care of the poor. Give half of what you own….

If (when!) Jesus comes back and makes the Christians live by His teachings, they'll think they're in Hell.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 12:48 pm

If you really want to make your brain hurt, try reading some of the wingnut pastors' explanations of why Jebus was not a socialist. I even considered linking to a couple of them in the main post, but decided against it. For the adventurous, here are some samples:

http://kburchard.wordpress.com/2009/07/31/did-jes
http://kburchard.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/did-jes
http://www.bibleprophecyblog.com/2012/06/is-jesus
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/religious-rig

Basically it comes down to Jesus not advocating government ownership of the means of production, and instead calling for individuals to be generous, with the patient explanation that any action by the state to provide for the poor is actually theft from the productive. Also, Parable of the Talents.

And if the needs of the poor outstrip the private charity of individuals, wow, bummer. That stuff about "giving up everything you own" is actually an endorsement of private ownership, since how could you give up your private property if Jesus wanted everything to be owned by the state.

Biff October 28, 2012 at 12:34 pm

I'm sorry, what? I keep trying to find the words of jeebus in your rantings, because Christianists, but the only red letters I can find are over —–> there, on the right margin, and somehow I don't think jeebus wrote those…

Antispandex October 28, 2012 at 12:36 pm

You know, the sad thing here is that these people seem to actually take "The poor you have with you always", as more of a command than, "As you do to the least of these my brothers, you have done it to me". But, hey, I'm not a 21st century protestant "christian". I know, I know, straight to hell for me.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 12:39 pm

As proud as we are of US American Jesus's role in WWII, without those godless commies, these homeschoolers today might be reading Mein Kamp in it's original German. Thank you, Russians.

boskolives October 28, 2012 at 1:28 pm

French kids probably wouldn't learn how to say "Excuse me sir, but your Panzer tank is blocking my driveway" in German either.

arihaya October 28, 2012 at 1:38 pm

some of your fellow Americans doesn't consider "reading Mein Kamp in it's original German. " as a bad thing

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Wow. I did nazi that one coming…

imissopus October 28, 2012 at 12:56 pm

So the religious folks are opposed to communism, is what you're saying.

valgal2342 October 28, 2012 at 12:59 pm

"As people rejected the Word of God and embraced the vain philosophies of men, they set the stage for the death and devastation of the world wars, reaping the “whirlwind” of destruction sown by their unbelief (Hos. 8:7)."

The Bible is not a philosophy of men? Who knew? I was certain the new testament was written by some gay dudes fighting over the affections of Jebus.

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2012 at 1:07 pm

What about all those horrific wars fought in Europe from 1000AD to the late 1800s because of Jeebus?

An_Outhouse October 28, 2012 at 2:29 pm

yeah, but chivalry, knights, and stuff. Good times.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Dude, go back and study up on Part 2. Those were all the fault of Romish Heresies, which weren't even really Christian, so today's Fundies magically get a free pass, yay!

("I'm the No True Scotsman fallacy, and I approve this message")

ManchuCandidate October 28, 2012 at 4:36 pm

For a group of dolts who spend a lot of time shrieking about the ebil/evils of sophistry and moral relativism and historical revisionism they really loves their sophistry and moral relativism and historical revisionism.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:15 pm

And how is "No True Scotsmen" not yet a band name?!

AnAmericanInTO October 28, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Roman Church, duh.

arihaya October 29, 2012 at 5:44 am

to be fair most European wars has more to do with dynastic rivalry, just look at how the Capetians kicked their neighbor asses even if all of them are fellow Catholics

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 8:35 am

Well, sure, in the absence of sectarian religious differences, you go to war with the divisions you have, not the divisons you wish you would have had.

Wait, wha?

Katydid October 29, 2012 at 10:36 am

And just look at how Obama is droning the hell out of his fellow Muslins.

lumpenprole October 29, 2012 at 10:58 am

30 Years War Libel!

finallyhappy October 28, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Not that I paid attention myself(had to get my Zombie costume together and also vote- I did and watched the Marine Corps Marathon in person today) but I got a few tweets today saying Paul Ryan is MIA. Is that so? Not that I miss him but golly gee- what does it mean?

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Maybe he enlisted and went on a dangerous mission and hasn't been heard from? Hahahahahahaha, nevermind. He already served his country by being the son of a rich lawyer, which was suffering enough.

redarmyzombie October 29, 2012 at 4:10 am

On welfare.

boskolives October 28, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Minus Intellectual Ability?

eggsacklywright October 28, 2012 at 2:25 pm

They're keeping him on a short leash so he doesn't talk too much and say something he believes.

Biff October 28, 2012 at 3:15 pm

So you voted in a zombie costume? Sweet!

finallyhappy October 28, 2012 at 4:52 pm

No, you can't vote in costume here – esp as mine was political- Binder of Zombie women and parts. in the last pres. election- even here in liberal MD in a heavily Dem area- they made a guy cover up his Obama shirt- saying it was politicking inside the voting area/

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:23 pm

It means he's likely trying to keep his Congressional seat. Fucker's spending millions on keeping a seat he won't need if Romney wins, so what does THAT tell you.

viennawoods13 October 29, 2012 at 12:23 am

Don't forget- Joe Biden ran for his Senate seat in 2008, too, also.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 1:53 am

And Joe Lieberman. This is far more common than people think or remember.

Steverino247 October 29, 2012 at 3:45 am

The chair stands corrected and thanks the gentlepersons from Viennawoods13 and Negropolis…

poorgradstudent October 28, 2012 at 1:10 pm

'Cause when I think of Jesus terms like "nonproductive members of society" come to mind.

Biff October 28, 2012 at 3:50 pm

They always say he was a carpenter, but they've never shown his apprenticeship or journeyman certificates. If building one damned cross makes one a carpenter, then I must be an auto manufacturer. Going by my skillset, you know.

gunnergoz October 28, 2012 at 1:19 pm

The Cure for the Religion of Communism is the Religion of Belief in Anything Other than The Welfare of Others; i.e. The Church of Me.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 1:28 pm

In Soviet Russia, history rewrites you!

SigDeFlyinMonky October 28, 2012 at 2:44 pm

This explains why, after my unfortunate remark, in the group photo after the last politburo meeting, the only thing of me left to be seen is one right toe of a shiny black wingtip.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Stop complaining comrade, in many capitalist states, some people don't even have shoes!

sbj1964 October 28, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Biblically speaking,Jesus own teachings could be considered socialist,and even communist in some aspects.He believed in redistributing wealth,slavery,equality of the masses,a strong military war machine("I come not to bring peace,but a sword"),and was a strong proponent of obedience to the state.( Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's.")He most definitely was not a radical capaltalist who thought the accumulation of wealth by a ruling elite was a good thing.("It is easier for a camel to pass through an eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.") And even God seemed to prefer Liberals saying he would make them fat(a good thing in Gods eyes)Everything in the bible would seem to support a liberal view making Republican consevatives appear to be in the wrong."Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth".

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Yes, and that's why if he came back today, they'd crucify him a lot quicker than they did the first time, and the bible thumpers would be the first ones to run for the hammer and nails.

Angry_Marmot October 28, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Stop pickin' your nose!

SigDeFlyinMonky October 28, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth… but not the mineral rights.

BloviateMe October 28, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I'd like to be able to view the world thru the eyes of these wingnuts for a day, and rescreen the Star Wars trilogy. Rooting for Darth & The Empire would put an entirely new slant on the tale.

boskolives October 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Luke, I am your mother! Your father! Your mother! Your father!
Sorry, maybe that was Chinatown….

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 1:46 pm

"The main error of socialism — that man is capable of perfection"

Wow, stupidity AND projection in one short sentence!

I don't think too many people actually believe that man is capable of perfection — but insofar as "man is capable of perfection" is the main error of *anything*, it's the main error of most Christian religions.

If I had to pick the main error of socialism (not that I claim any sort of expertise), it's that people have an inherent selfish streak, and basing a system on asking everyone to sacrifice their comfort for the good of all is working against human nature (which, by the way, the rest of the text quoted in the article handily demonstrates). This doesn't disprove socialism, it just means that it has one particular flaw that puts it at a disadvantage, like trying to work against gravity instead of with gravity. That having been said, every form of government — like every form of religion — depends on overcoming people's selfish, aggressive, etc. instincts.

Sometimes, when things look hopeless, and I need to think positive in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other, I remember that I'm on the side with the smart, decent people; and that the other side is so stupid that they literally can't formulate one idea, or one sentence of a coherent argument that isn't BOOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!

proudgrampa October 28, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Maybe man is incapable of perfection, but I have met quite a few perfect assholes.

Katydid October 29, 2012 at 10:40 am

OK! Now we're finally getting back to teh buttsechs.

mbobier October 28, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Of course, there is no "envy, resentment," or "conflict" in a capitalist society — unless you make the mistake of counting the "nonproductive" members of that society as full-fledged human beings whose emotions, opinions, and lives matter. Which is something the authors of this textbook would clearly never do.

The idea that the purpose of the church is to take over, or even reform, society is nowhere to be found in the New Testament. Rather, it teaches that the purpose of the church is to live out the Kingdom of God in the world.

Blessed are the meek, indeed.

chascates October 28, 2012 at 1:53 pm

Longhaired, bearded socialist.

Mark Chapter 10:21-25:Jesus looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.” 22At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. 23Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!” 24The disciples were amazed at his words. But Jesus said again, "Children, how hard it is to enter the kingdom of God! 25It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God."
Matthew 25:42-46: 42For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' 44"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’ 45"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’ 46"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life”
James 2:1-7: 1My brothers, as believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ, don't show favoritism. 2Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in shabby clothes also comes in. 3If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, "Here's a good seat for you," but say to the poor man, "You stand there" or "Sit on the floor by my feet," 4have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts? 5Listen, my dear brothers: Has not God chosen those who are poor in the eyes of the world to be rich in faith and to inherit the kingdom he promised those who love him? 6But you have insulted the poor. Is it not the rich who are exploiting you? Are they not the ones who are dragging you into court? 7Are they not the ones who are slandering the noble name of him to whom you belong?

fishskicanoe October 28, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Wouldn't it be great to watch a football game and see people holding up big signs with only Mark 10:21-25 written on them?

Negropolis October 28, 2012 at 11:14 pm

Someone should really make this a thing.

Redgyal October 28, 2012 at 9:22 pm

Good point. Also too see 2 Corinthians 8

"Whoever had much did not have more and whoever had little did not have less."

Incitefully_Joe October 29, 2012 at 7:47 am

Or for that matter, various selections from Acts, wherein the early Christians hold everything in common and distribute to each according to their need (which is where Karl Marx cribbed that phrasing from, if truth be told). There's one guy who held back his fair share from this utopian collective (that our textbooks tell us would inevitably fail, because socialism), and he was struck down by God.

So there we have it, folks: God is history's greatest monster, even greater than Lenin, according to this Christian history book.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 8:45 am

Yep, Ananias and Sapphira. They were part of that early Christian commune I was talking about down-thread. They lied about some profits they got through a land sale – a big no-no – and they were both struck down right on the spot.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Marge: I really think this is a bad idea.
Homer: Marge, I agree with you — in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

BlueStateLibel October 28, 2012 at 1:56 pm

Just think, if we had communism, we wouldn't have entitled billionaires building tacky ugly palaces and telling their employees to vote for the Mormon bot! I sure would miss that, wouldn't you?

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 1:59 pm

"It is time for the world to realize that Communism is not just another political philosophy but a religion"

OK, so…
Communism is "really" a religion…
Atheism is "really" a religion…
Science is "really" a religion…
How about those little pudding cups, are they OK, or are they "really" a religion, too? (a delicious, creamy religion)

Also, if all of those things are "really" a religion, doesn't that legitimize them, at least somewhat? Doesn't that reduce the argument (such as it is) to one of competing religions?

SayItWithWookies October 28, 2012 at 2:43 pm

Of course not, silly — because creationism (and therefore religion) is the real science. This from creationists who denounce science and then dress up in lab coats to explain how the earth could be 6,000 years old if only gravity, the speed of light and most of our known physical laws were wildly different over short periods of time and space.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Well, you see, if you can redefine communism or science or secularism as a "religion," then you can claim that eliminating it from the schools is just fair play since the ACLU made it illegal to have organized prayers over the school intercom. Take that, Atheist Communist Liberals Union!

mille derps October 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Snark off- I think there's a useful distinction to be made between science, humanism, etc. actually BEING religions and the fact that many humans choose to "worship" at the altar of scientific, political, puddingist, etc. ideas…

I suspect we all know people who are just as dogmatic about politics, science, etc. as the religious fundies. If you look at the history of ideas, it's easy to see in retrospect how the scientists who used to cling to now-outmoded theories were not sufficiently skeptical about their work. It's harder for modern-day scientists to see that they are just as invested in 'being right' as those guys were- and because of the specialization of modern science, I suspect that even fewer scientists & engineers may be inclined to question their scientific beliefs now, even though they probably won't be literally burned at the stake if they do ask those consistently unfashionable 'why' questions.

Off my soapbox now. Balls, salted rat dicks, tits or GTFO…

Biel_ze_Bubba October 29, 2012 at 7:22 am

The problem with that theory is that the ultimate in scientific cred, fame, and (sometimes) fortune is earned by those who succeed in knocking down accepted thinking. Unexpected results are what real scientists live for. That's why they sometimes get carried away with what they think is a breakthrough (cold fusion, anyone?) Other scientists "being invested" in the status quo is part of the process; it's why nobody believes the crazy stuff until others replicate the results.

The "faster than light" results from a few months back are another classic example: because everybody is very heavily "invested" in General Relativity, the experiments were put under a microscope, and the results were soon shown to be incorrect. If they'd been proven correct, those guys would be heroes, not heretics, and installed alongside Newton and Einstein.

New theories do have a hard time getting accepted, but they will succeed if they're correct. Giordano Bruno's unfashionable questions probably helped to get him killed, but it wasn't at the hands of other scientists!

Biel_ze_Bubba October 29, 2012 at 6:47 am

Doesn't that reduce the argument (such as it is) to one of competing religions?

Yes — because it's so easy to win that argument when you are the one with the one true religion. When everyone else is, by definition, misinformed, misled, or enslaved by their unfortunate reliance on observing reality, then by golly they're wrong, and you win. The logic is irrefutable.

Incitefully_Joe October 29, 2012 at 7:33 am

I was going to ask whether this means that we're free to be Communist Atheist Scientists if we want to, because Freedom of Religion, but then I remembered that this textbook established a few chapters ago that the Christian Principle of Freedom of Religion means that you're free to worship the Christian Jesus any way that you want, as long as you're not Unitarian, liberal, or Catholic.

And we know that this must be the working definition the founders had in mind, because the unlike that atheistic French Revolution, the American Revolution was Blessed By God, which is why it wasn't accompanied by any atrocities, except of Indians and Blacks, who are all barely even people, so those things don't count.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:02 pm

"Marxists that want to be hedge fund managers"

Marxists WHO want to be hedge fund managers, please.
It's a grammar nitpick of mine, but "that" makes it sound like they're things instead of peop–…
Oh, wait.
They want to be hedge fund managers.
My bad.
Carry on, please.

proudgrampa October 28, 2012 at 2:20 pm

"That" for "who" is one of my pet peeves, Tess! But your point is taken.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Yeah, guilty as charged. I really should try not to finish these things up at 2 AM.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 29, 2012 at 6:42 am

You should ask Kid Zoom to go over your stuff. Assuming he's anything like my kid.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Jesus is just fine with Grammar Nazis, though.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 8:39 am

Yes, because truly, hedge fund managers are people(is), too.

cheetojeebus October 28, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Wow, When Dumbasses try and form a philosophy/explain their religion they come up with some fucked up shit. They should stay with what they know. The location of the nearest Walmart and which one of their kin puts up the least resistance when they got the horny.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:49 pm

And where to buy cakes we like with their food stamps.

M. Bouffant October 28, 2012 at 6:11 pm

I like Little Debbie's cakes.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 29, 2012 at 6:39 am

Ummm…. who were you replying to, exactly?

M. Bouffant October 29, 2012 at 3:25 pm

tessiee. Just stating which cakes I like. Yum.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 8:38 am

And what days and time Honey Boo Boo's on.

snowpointsecret October 28, 2012 at 2:07 pm

As people rejected the Word of God and embraced the vain philosophies of men, they set the stage for the death and devastation of the world wars, reaping the “whirlwind” of destruction sown by their unbelief (Hos. 8:7).

Sandy? Is that you? (Okay seriously I think most of my comments mught end up referencing Sandy the way things are going… I mean seriously 26 mph winds from the currently merging storms… in western Ohio? Already?)

snowpointsecret October 28, 2012 at 2:09 pm

By the way, just adding "-ism" to every word doesn't make it fact. Seriously.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:50 pm

Except "jism".

BloviateMe October 28, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I seed what you did there.

mille derps October 28, 2012 at 5:38 pm

Made me think of this surprisingly relevant song lyric:

"Didn't He know what He was doin
When He divided high and low
You got to bury the seed in the dirt my friend
If you want the thing to grow"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R13yQwbOnLU

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 6:00 pm

And as we Dorothy Parker fans love to repeat, she named her parakeet Onan, "because he spilled his seed upon the ground."

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:14 pm

"The European countries that these folks almost certainly consider “socialist” are probably going to be pretty ticked off when they learn that they are “enslaved”…or at least they would be, if they’d just take some time off from their 6-week vacations and read the Bible to learn how bad they have it."

Every so often on assbook, there's a comment thread about whether or not our muslin preznit is also a socialist. Someone from Canada, or Australia, or Sweden usually weighs in about ten comments down, to say that they like their health care, that the country is well run, that their economy is flourishing, etc. etc. This is invariably followed by Billy Bob responding that, No, they DON'T like their healthcare, they only THINK they like it, because HE knows how it REALLY works, and uh… USA! USA! USA!!

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:19 pm

"the desire to enforce equality by taking from the productive and giving to the nonproductive members of the society with names like Shaniqua and Tyrell… oops, did I say that last part out loud?"

Do you mind if we dance wif yo' tax munnies?

An_Outhouse October 28, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Remember the Dark Ages when Biblical Christianity was the true cure for humanity’s ills?

Good times.

BarackMyWorld October 28, 2012 at 2:28 pm
FeloniousMonk October 28, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Je suis Marxiste, tendance Groucho. À bas les Harpistes!

calliecallie October 28, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I actually really love Randy Newman, but he does have some ego on him.

"Rand, I'm tired. Why don't YOU be The Boss for a while?"

From a song where he's trying to explain to his child's (private school) teacher, why his kid cannot be doing poorly in school. Because he is friends with Mr. Bruce Springsteen.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:53 pm

Randy Newman > Meat Loaf

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Meat Loaf=pinch a loaf

LibertyLover October 28, 2012 at 3:17 pm

Something makes me think that Doktor Zoom wouldn't score these people too highly on a SAT essay.

doloras October 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Lenin's first name was Vladimir. I honestly don't know why so much fundie literature can't get that simple thing right.

MosesInvests October 28, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Beat me to it. Vladimir Ilyitch Lenin *replaced* Nikolai-that is, Czar Nikolai II (who BTW was head of the Russian Orthodox Church). As someone upthread said, Communism sucks, but if it's better than the status quo (Romanovs, Batista, Somoza), people will go for it.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I am the walrus.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Welp, that's ONE thing I'll have to check in the 3rd edition…

FeloniousMonk October 28, 2012 at 6:10 pm

I didn't know they did. The immediate reason is probably that that's how Saint Ronnie used to refer to him. Raymond Garthoff, commenting on one instance (which I'd link to here except every attempt to do it gets screwed up) says (footnote 8)

The attribution of the name "Nikolai" to Vladimir Lenin (Vladimir Ulyanov), presumably originating from his early writing under the pseudonym "N. Lenin," has for some peculiar reason often been used by hard-line anticommunist Western commentators, and raises a flag as to a suspect source.

On the other hand it seems to have been used by Louise Bryant, a Marxist American journalist, in 1923.

Should anyone care about the Garthoff link, it seems that IntenseDebate's software gets into a snit if a URL contains "use". Remove the spaces from the line below.

http : // user www . service . emory. edu / ~dvigil / Reagan1 . pdf

Wile E. Quixote October 28, 2012 at 7:15 pm

They can't get it right because they're fucking stupid Christoid dipshits.

Steverino247 October 29, 2012 at 3:37 am

Mr. President, we cannot afford a synaptic gap!

Incitefully_Joe October 29, 2012 at 7:38 am

And here I was, so distracted by the fact that they imply that Marx and Lenin were closer contemporaries than Marx and Engels that I nearly gave them a free pass on that Nikolai thing.

ElPinche October 28, 2012 at 3:18 pm

Who knew Radical Jesus dresses like Ryan Gosling.

But does it really matter? According to today's garden variety wingnut Communist = Nigger.

LibertyLover October 28, 2012 at 3:43 pm

(No Snark)
Forgive me if I am wrong, I am no history major. I am a scientist (horrors!) and look for patterns of behavior… and from reading these passages over the last few weeks, it seems to me that most revolutions happened because of the income inequality as a result of unregulated capitalism — when there are people in the streets that are starving from lack of bread and people are living in grand palatial homes, dining on $400 bottles of wine and steak tartare— not from godlessness.

One has to wonder if we continue down this current road we are on if there won't be a second American Revolution that won't be quite as pretty as the first?

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:07 pm

As a reader of Free Republic, I happen to know that this revolution will come when godfearing Jerb Creators get sick and tired of the nonproductive class mooching off them, and decide to pursue 2nd Amendment solutions.

(There won't be an actual revolution along those lines, by the way. What will happen is that one guy who's been reading that shit will blow up another federal building or shoot up a church full of kids, and then the rest of the Noisy Right will blog about how he was either a liberal plant or a totally isolated lone nut for whom they bear no moral responsibility. And then they will all go buy more ammo and "Tree of Liberty" T-shirts, and obsessively make plans to fight back against the coming plot to take away their guns.)

Negropolis October 28, 2012 at 11:18 pm

But, I thought the Occupy folks were fomenting revolution. Which is it?

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:28 pm

That's about it. Revolutions take work and I don't know anybody willing to do that much work unless a lot of other people are willing to work, too.

cousinitt October 28, 2012 at 3:51 pm

If it was a Mormon Democrat running for President, the Christianists would whip themselves into an orgiastic tizzy about how Mormons created a collectivist paradise in Utah. And then there is the great Mormon Conspiracy to create their own country and how it sounds all noble to tithe 10% but don't ye be deceived for it goes to build god-awful looking 1950s B scifi movie-inspired "temples" across the world.

And that's just for starters, you KNOW any Mormon Democrat would be spit-roasted faster than you can say cannibal cop. So not only are these wingnutters denying certain unpleasant economic realities of bringing back Bushie policies, they have the further psychic burden of denying their hate for the secret Mormon cabal and its plans to create more gay Broadway musicals to entrap our young men into spending two years together in strange places wearing magic pants.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Yeah, but have they said any of this stuff about Harry Reid?

bobbert October 28, 2012 at 7:14 pm

I assume you are being ironic (or something). There are a good many Republican Mormons in Nevada. All politics is local, right?

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 9:00 pm

No, it was an honest question. Have Christians attacked Reid for being a Mormon? Have Mormons attacked Reid for being a Democrat?

cousinitt October 28, 2012 at 10:00 pm

Reid caught some recently when he said Mittens was no Mormon. It seems that he has not suffered much for his religion. But then, I'm talking about the collectivism found in the establishment of Utah and the ongoing work of building a global church and Reid is not running for Prez.

Negropolis October 28, 2012 at 11:25 pm

If Senate Majority Leader meant anything, they'd be all over him.

Schmegeg October 29, 2012 at 1:51 am

I seem to remember there was a Romney or somesuch mixed up at Mountain Meadows.

Schmegeg October 28, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Nikolai Lenin?? Vlad's secret twin?

A spectre is haunting the World – the spectre of Idiocy.

Dudleydidwrong October 28, 2012 at 10:27 pm

Nikolai Ulyanov was Lenin's father. This isn't the first time that some Christians have confused a father and a son.

Blueb4sinrise October 28, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Live Weather Webcam.
http://cms3.tucsonaz.gov/camera

MiniMencken October 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm

Who, if I may ask, is this fellow "Nikolai Lenin?"

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Yoko's crazy-ass brother-in-law?

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 4:40 pm

And despite all their warnings, we now are in the first presidential election in which there is no Christianist running.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Well, I dunno… Ryan, despite his Romish taint, is quite happily patriarchal and Jesusy; he might be up for a little bit of theocracy, too.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Quick, and no Googling – who was on the ticket with Alf Landon?

Exactly…

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:36 pm

What specifically would make a taint "Romish", and more importantly — when did you see it?!

(Just keeping the site's grade level up!)

TribecaMike October 28, 2012 at 5:03 pm

If there is a God, why are the shelves of my local liquor store bare today?

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Maybe the Little Red Hen is keeping it all for herself.

TribecaMike October 28, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Quite possible, but my money is on Ganesh.

Blueb4sinrise October 28, 2012 at 5:22 pm

LIVE BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!

Video/pics also too.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:13 pm

So Dok, one gets the impression that this Christianist text completely ignores Hitler and the Holocaust, and Communist Russia's role as our ally in World War II. They have nothing to say about Fascism and Nazism?

Schmegeg October 28, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Our idiot friends are perspective enough to note the Nazis were National SOCIALISTS.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 5:58 pm

We're just not there yet. (Needless to say, atheist humanism = Nazis, too)

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 9:06 pm

OK, I should have figured there would be a future post(s) full of the riches of the Holocaust, the return of Israel, and the reestablishment of the Roman Empire (the EU) as predicted in Revelations.

SorosBot October 28, 2012 at 10:14 pm

So they just go with the lying and call the hardcore Christian Nazis atheists; that's not surprising of course. And here I was hoping they'd get at least a little creative.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Is the Communist Beast-State when Stalin and Krushev morph into giant fighting robots? That was the series with the Neocons vs. the Decepticons, right?

rickmaci October 28, 2012 at 5:42 pm

One question. Who the fuck is "Nikolai" Lenin?

dennis1943 October 28, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Let's have a 2000 degree party…………!

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Those of you who have studied history longer and harder than me: it makes a snappy comeback to mention all the wars fought ostensibly over one version of Christianity vs. the other, but would it be more accurate to say that these wars were fought over greed, ego and the desire to dominate others, with Christianity as a convenient, mutually-benefiting wingman?

M. Bouffant October 28, 2012 at 6:22 pm

I'd guess that just as today, it's a bit hard to get the common clay to fight each other only so their betters can get even more, but Jeeziz, faith, yada can be used to motivate them.

FeloniousMonk October 28, 2012 at 7:48 pm

I'd agree with that, but then I hold to the view that religion was the invention of nerds who figured out a way to get power over their slower-witted brethren. I'm also not sure that it's a particularly good debating line, since it's easily countered by "that was a preversion of Christianity/Islam/Pastafarianism". Just like "Kings and Chronicles say pi is 3", to which the reply is "it's good enough for government work". That one. though, has caused the wingnuts to waste a lot of time coming up with explanations. To my surprise, I find that Wikipedia claims that Maimonides said 3 was "accurate enough for religious purposes".

M. Bouffant October 28, 2012 at 10:26 pm

My theory as well.

I suspect the sly cunning grifters also got the jock-equivalents in their tribes to supply a little strong-arming so people who wouldn't swallow the party line (or pay taxes) were quickly handled. Then bingo, you have a king (by the grace of gawd) & his thugs to keep physical control, while the high priest keeps most of the tribe in line w/o the thugs having to be thuggy 24/7.

As far as debating, both Catholics & Protestants were perversions? That might just indicate there's no un-perverted religion involved (or possible).

Incitefully_Joe October 29, 2012 at 7:52 am

That tends to be true of 99% of "religious" conflicts in general. There are very, very few purely doctrinal wars, nearly all of them are always secretly over territory, political power, succession, resources, what have you.

Now, the reason it still makes a very snappy comeback, even despite this nuance, is because if any well-read Christianist actually knows enough to point that out, you can retort that they are recounting materialist perspective of history, which automatically makes them a Darwinist Commie Atheist.

Dashboard Buddha October 28, 2012 at 5:55 pm

"that man is capable of perfection"…he's just forgiven, but he'll reach perfection when he gets to boogie with Jesus.

AncienReggie October 28, 2012 at 6:13 pm

What always gets me about these people is how insecure they are about their own God. Supposedly, the dude is almighty, all powerful, omnipotent, etc. Yet always, ALWAYS, their religion–and thus, presumably, their God–is being threatened. What's up with that?

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 6:22 pm

You'd think they'd have a little faith in Him…

BlueStateLibel October 28, 2012 at 6:25 pm

Small-minded fearful little people project themselves = small-minded fearful little god. And as Bono said, like them, their small god always seems to be short of cash.

mavenmaven October 28, 2012 at 6:29 pm

Of course, as they are quoting Hosea and Proverbs against communism, let's say that it was the onslaught of the New Testament that led to communism.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 6:34 pm

OT: Right now, looks like northern NJ / Long Island Sound is where Sandy will come ashore. Y'all be careful up there! :0/

cousinitt October 28, 2012 at 8:05 pm

And we all know who will take the blame when Sandy decides, "What the fuck, I'm coming ashore anyway" and proceeds kick the shit out of Delaware and Philly…Zomney's band of merry propagandists are already filming their next commercial to take political advantage of a national tragedy, we know they are.

TribecaMike October 28, 2012 at 6:45 pm

Hurricane Sandy has been officially renamed Hurricane Goofy Grape. .. http://www.fiddleheadfocus.com/sites/default/file

rocktonsam October 28, 2012 at 6:53 pm

so then commie jeebus is sending a hurricane to some of the swing states on the east coast to gain more power?

just like Nikolai Lenin killed Trotski to get rid of rivals

Barrelhse October 28, 2012 at 6:57 pm

I must say, these Christians certainly are fuckheads.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 7:03 pm

Well, I'd agree that most who have appropriated that title certainly are. A small minority, however, actually *do* try, as best they can, to practice what they (and their Founder) preach… :0)

redarmyzombie October 29, 2012 at 4:25 am

Very, very, very small…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 28, 2012 at 7:01 pm

From the Sermon on the Mount:

"You have heard it was said, 'You shall not perjure yourselves.' This law is good, as far as it goes. But what I teach is that you shouldn't take any oaths at all. Let your 'Yes' mean 'Yes' and your 'No' mean 'No.' If people know that you mean exactly what you say, you won't have to swear to your words." (trans. Stephen Mitchell from Jesus: What He Really Said and Did )

Hear that Republicans? Jesus knew: No means no!

Your move, fuckwits.

mille derps October 28, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Which reminds me- any of y'all know how to start one of those viral e-mails for the wingtards to read about how Willard will swear his oath using the Book of Mormon? And if he swears using the Bible, it will have about the same significance to him as swearing on a telephone directory…?

Anyone?

doloras October 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Well, that's not true, the Book of Mormon is supposed to be a "canon sequel" to the Bible, not a replacement.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Which is odd, because one of the very last things in Revelation is a (convenient and almost certaintly later added) command that the Bible is finished. lol

mille derps October 30, 2012 at 2:36 pm

It's almost as true as their usual e-mails about Obama being a Kenyan Muslim…

VinnyThePooh October 28, 2012 at 9:53 pm

Blessed are the cheesemakers.

LagunaB October 28, 2012 at 7:20 pm

OT – I just heard that PA I-76 was filled today with utility repair trucks coming in from the west to help with the repairs from Sandy. And 12th and B / lower Manhatten have been evacuated. Yikes.

mille derps October 28, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Just FYI: http://www.wunderground.com/blog/JeffMasters/comm

We had a day of wind & rain as Sandy moved past us way offshore, but no power outages, surprisingly. Today all was pretty calm.

For anyone who lives in the path of the storm, just a quick reminder that you may want to prepare by clearing up your yards/outdoor areas & securing any items that could become missiles in a heavy wind.

BadKitty904 October 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm

OT: It's going to be interesting to watch Chris Christie (R-Sammiches) and the other Repug governors turn down that sweet, sweet federal disaster recovery funding, given their anti-Big-Government stand, etc…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 28, 2012 at 8:48 pm

"(R-Sammiches)"

And I thank you, Kitty.

cousinitt October 28, 2012 at 8:09 pm

OT, sort of, Joss Whedon produces EPIC endorsement video for Zomney. Yes, that Whedon. http://youtu.be/6TiXUF9xbTo

LagunaB October 28, 2012 at 8:16 pm

That is hilarious.

ProgressiveInga October 28, 2012 at 8:40 pm

"Zomney: He needs brains."

Redgyal October 28, 2012 at 9:14 pm

So this post closed with a video of a rich white guy singing to a crowd of apparently well off white people about how life just isn't fair? At least the Wonkette has some self awareness.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 9:43 pm

As Randy says, the important thing is that we feel a little bad about that.

Redgyal October 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm

Of course, feeling bad about it is much less costly than doing something about it. Smart man.

GemlikeFlame October 28, 2012 at 9:38 pm

OK, now "resdestributes" is just too good to pass up. Sounds sort of Palinesque, but I like it. Dok, may I adopt that for tomorrow's class as an example of words I wish I'd made up?

I wasn't aware that socialism had as one of its goals the perfection of the individual, I thought it was more the greatest-good-for-the-greatest-number type thing.

Learn something new every day. Also.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 9:40 pm

Man. How did I miss that?! Fixing it now, though it will forever be in the URL.

GemlikeFlame October 28, 2012 at 9:51 pm

Now, now, mon brave. Can't write a series of erudite, provocative articles without risking at least one petty typo. You wouldn't want those things too perfect, you're just asking for old-testament style retribution. Wouldn't want anything to happen to Kid Zoom or any other Zooms, or at least I wouldn't. Let sleeping typos lie.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 9:55 pm

As a socialist atheist, I am foolishly committed to attempting to perfect myself. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go tinker with my DNA.

GemlikeFlame October 28, 2012 at 10:06 pm

So… many… many.. jokes…

Honestly, I used to do that. Mother Gemlikeflame railed on and on about me going blind and usurping the Creator's role and such.

M. Bouffant October 28, 2012 at 11:05 pm

No, he's asking for OT-style restribution.

(I kill myself sometimes.)

Doktor Zoom October 29, 2012 at 1:23 am

There's seldom much retribution for being Off Topic. Unless someone's blogwhoring, of course.

DesertTed October 28, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I've never understood why any atheist wants to do anything for society. Wouldn't it be smarter to cull the weak and assert your superiority, like the GOP tries to do in the name of God?

FeloniousMonk October 28, 2012 at 9:59 pm

The whole point of God is to tell you that your group is the best, so you can be nasty to the heathens. It's why he/she/it was invented. Realizing that you're just another bozo on the bus suggests that a little mutual aid might help.

DesertTed October 28, 2012 at 10:31 pm

But that's the irony. From a purely evolutionary standpoint it only makes sense to care about yourself and try to be the Alpha so your strong genes get passed on. To hell with caring for your fellow man and "loving your neighbor as you do yourself". That seems like the Christian thing to do.

Of course, the professing Christian Right seems to be taking the point of view of looking out for themselves and the Atheistic Left want to care about their neighbors.

It's quite perplexing.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 10:37 pm

Not at all–having a healthy community in which our young can grow is also an evolutionary advantage. Also, we have these big ol' brains that have been rather useful to longterm survival, which, again, works a hell of a lot better in a functional civil society than in an imagined all-against-all fight.

Dudleydidwrong October 28, 2012 at 10:41 pm

There is evidence that altruism is an evolutionary trait in non-human species and probably in humans as well.

FeloniousMonk October 28, 2012 at 10:45 pm

Oh goody. Someone else who doesn't know the meaning of "irony". I'm beginning to think Alanis Morissette was unfairly laughed at. Anyway, there's a huge literature on the evolutionary basis of altruism, pretty much all of it ignoring Kropotkin. I suggest you dip a toe in it. Then you'll know as much about the subject as I do. I won't try and pontificate about it in public.

SorosBot October 28, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Oh I don't know, maybe because many atheists have a sense of morality and that would be the wrong thing to do? Contrary to the beliefs of religious bigots, us atheists are not all immoral selfish monsters.

Doktor Zoom October 28, 2012 at 10:23 pm

Ah, but how can you have a sense of morality if you're not in fear of eternal torment?

Dudleydidwrong October 28, 2012 at 10:39 pm

I see it as a morality brought about by "we're all in this together" philosophy that accepts humanity as a bond, a unity of the species. Having a "god" to prod you into doing good (the Santa Claus idea: sleeping, awake–"I see you!") puts us into a world of competition: "I'm holier than you" etc. I've tried both, and find that the morality of human unity is a much stronger bond than any fright caused by a vengeful god.

SorosBot October 28, 2012 at 11:22 pm

I always do have trouble trusting people who admit that they only do the right thing out of fear of eternal punishment and hope of eternal reward, instead of, you know, because it is the right thing.

gullywompr October 28, 2012 at 11:47 pm

And they fear us for exactly the same reason. They can't understand how a person would want to follow the rules if they don't believe in the rules in the first place. Nonetheless, there are certain particular "right things" on which they and we differ vastly (private parts, for example), which to them proves the point, and to us fails to prove it. There's little room for kumbaya in that regard.

M. Bouffant October 28, 2012 at 11:08 pm

They may be weak, but there are soooo many of them it's an impossible task to cull them.

decentcitizen October 28, 2012 at 10:40 pm

Communists are the devil. Socialists are the devil. Darwin is the devil. I'm sensing a pattern here…

Blueb4sinrise October 28, 2012 at 11:12 pm
Negropolis October 28, 2012 at 10:43 pm

evident trends in a socialist society included envy, resentment, conflict

Because none of those things are a feature in a captalistic society. That's why no one is ever killed on the streets on a daily basis for their possessions, don't you know.

BTW, don't these guys know that the earliest church right after the death of Jesus was a literal commune? It's in the Bah-bull!

Lot_49 October 28, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Not to mention that medieval Christianity was a kind of collectivist society, albeit also hierarchical.

Chet Kincaid_ October 28, 2012 at 10:58 pm

OT: 60 Minutes tonight informs me that Ron Jeremy is now the owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars?! http://profootballtalk.nbcsports.com/2012/10/25/6

Lot_49 October 28, 2012 at 11:18 pm

NFL and pr0n: made for each other.

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:51 pm

Will he rename the team, the Jacksonville Jagoffs?

TribecaMike October 29, 2012 at 12:22 am

Ugh, just what baseball needs — another expansion team and a longer schedule.

lulzmonger October 28, 2012 at 11:33 pm

HERE BE LULZDRAG0NZ!

It's really funny, because a lot of the First Wingnut Wave who stormed Bullshit Beach back in the day to help launch the Reagan Putsch/Revolution were butthurt former Trotskyites!

Negropolis October 28, 2012 at 11:35 pm

OT: Oh, hell. Are the Tigers going to break my heart, again? It's like 2006 all over again only worse.

bobbert October 29, 2012 at 1:08 am

Sorry.

M. Bouffant October 29, 2012 at 2:16 am

Every decent human in America (& I) was pulling for Baghdad by The Bay, thanks to this fuckface.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 8:27 am

Fucker.

Every conservative (and many a liberal, to be truthful) "loves" Detroit if the situation and circumstance is right, but then go back the next day to deriding Detroit's decline on socialism and liberalism with pieces so vitriolic and barely coded you wonder why they even bother.

As for the actual series, this team is what we feared: when they were on they were really on; when they were off – as you could tell – they are very bad. Our big-money offense acted as if they didn't even want to be there most of the series while our pitchers tried to give them chance after chance to show up.

M. Bouffant October 29, 2012 at 2:26 am

Just to be extra mean (Not really, I sympathize, & that was awfully quick, lesson being don't sweep, even the effin' Yankees, & then sit for days.) here is the Broom of Destiny.

Chet Kincaid_ October 29, 2012 at 9:30 am

This is good news for the White Sox.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 9:45 pm

Poor, poor White Sox. One of these days.

johnnyzhivago October 29, 2012 at 1:01 am

OT: Since the Zhivago Compound is apparently going to be getting some drizzle tomorrow which may cut the power, we may be offline for a few days. Good luck to others out there in the path of the mega storm of the millennium.

redarmyzombie October 29, 2012 at 4:31 am

I wish you luck, monsieur.

barto October 29, 2012 at 1:04 am

What's a scholiast to do?

M. Bouffant October 29, 2012 at 2:17 am

Scoliosis is not funny.

FeloniousMonk October 29, 2012 at 2:55 am

WTF? Seriously, WT fucking F? Does anyone have the faintest inkling what this woman thinks she's saying? I know there's a wing of the homeschooling movement that's dedicated to bringing back classical education, and believes that all schoolchildren should know that Barbara gets it on with Darren. But … Congress should stop taxing people who write in the margins? I feel faint. I must retire.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 1:57 am

Damn Sandy. Now they are saying it could help contribute to 33-feet-tall waves on Lake Michigan. Leave us alone! We're usually shielded from this shit up here in the lakes.

sudsmckenzie October 29, 2012 at 2:47 am

Yay , part 9 of the dis-assembly of a 15 year old Texas school book. Huzzah

In all seriousness, Buy bottled water!

no, really, tap is OK, save $ for gas.

zombies…… Zombies

worrierqueen October 29, 2012 at 5:53 am

God must have been terribly bored and lonely for 13,699,994,000 years. No wonder it sent him a bit nutty. If only he had thought of humans before eh? We wouldn't have had to wait so long for all the religious wars.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 29, 2012 at 6:36 am

"Foundational to Communism is the atheistic idea that there are no absolutes — that everything in the universe is in a constant state of change and flux, and that the only reality is matter in motion."

Interesting corollary: Communism rules on billions of uninhabited planets throughout the universe. No wonder a fundie missionary's work is never done!

LagunaB October 29, 2012 at 7:38 am

Did anyone see the Anonymous video to Karl Rove / Crossroads? They will be monitoring their servers to make sure they do not steal the vote. I will be a poll worker this election. I will also be watching.

BadKitty904 October 29, 2012 at 8:21 am

Good! Tho I suspect they would use another set of servers for that kind of treachery.

The Repugs stole the presidential election in 2000. Thank you for working to prevent a repeat in 2012.

chascates October 29, 2012 at 8:49 am

Have any wingnut preachers claimws Hurricane Sandy is because of God's judgement on 'merica because of gayz/socialism/teh deficits?

If Obama can't be blamed for the storm won't he be blamed for the response to it?

How can Sarah Palin take advantage of the storm to get publicity?

Chet Kincaid_ October 29, 2012 at 9:26 am

It will be retconned based on its effect on the election. If it keeps blacks, browns, kids and women from voting early, it's God's will. If Obama wins anyway, it's God's judgement.

sullivanst October 29, 2012 at 8:53 am

Gosh, I hope there's nothing on the test about the Mensheviks, because these kids would like completely blow that.

weejee October 29, 2012 at 9:32 am

Still with Vespers? Well then, how about a hymn? 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and

♪♫ First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
and genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want,
if you have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own Kyrie eleison,
Doin' the Vatican rag. ♫♪

Chet Kincaid_ October 29, 2012 at 9:52 am

OT: CNN has informed me that the Des Moines Register has endorsed Romney, breaking 40 years of Democratic Presidential endorsements. Their given reason is that Romney will supposedly be better at reaching so-called bipartisan solutions.

This is the most maddening thing about the way some white people obfuscate their bigotry. White Republican racists won't work with Obama for the sole reason that he is black. This becomes evidence that Obama is ineffective at "reaching across the aisle." The solution is not to condemn the Republican party for its obvious Racism, but to declare Obama a failure and reach for the nearest White Man, regardless of the content of his character.

Are these Chattering Class Prejudice Apologists self-deceiving, or are they so cynical that they know they're full of shit and keep typing anyway? Makes you so mad, you wanna dress up as white folks and perform scathing mockery in a parade every Mardi Gras.

M. Bouffant October 29, 2012 at 3:31 pm

DMR endorsement: Practical joke?

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 9:50 pm

I heard they endorsed Romney, because Obama missed a meeting with them or something. It was a really trivial reason, because apparently (I haven't read it) the reasons for endorsement don't make much sense.

BTW, I think they endorsed the president back in 2008.

LibertyLover October 29, 2012 at 10:06 am

I hope all East Coast Wonketteers stay safe!

Chet Kincaid_ October 29, 2012 at 10:19 am

OT: Thanks to the Frankenstorm, we at least get to hear the brusque, take-charge counsel of General Creole Foghorn Leghorn, the Savior of New Orleans, on all the cable news channels. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russel_L._Honor&…

Lot_49 October 29, 2012 at 10:22 am

There's nothing else like Command Presence©. West Point has a whole department to teach it.

decentcitizen October 29, 2012 at 10:27 am

There is no such thing as climate change. There is only God's wrath. And it looks like he's upset about carbon emissions…Take care Northern Seaboard Wonketeers.

tessiee October 28, 2012 at 2:37 pm

I suspect it would be a lot purtier if it got punched really hard a few times… with votes… or, you know, not.

Wile E. Quixote October 28, 2012 at 7:08 pm

And he wears that red baseball cap backwards which signifies that he provides oral.

ttommyunger October 28, 2012 at 3:40 pm

I like the way you think.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

ttommyunger October 28, 2012 at 7:11 pm

I'm betting the little perv wears panties, too.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Steverino247 October 28, 2012 at 11:19 pm

I like that "Sent from the Field, not in Garrison" since I know what it means to be in both locations.

ttommyunger October 28, 2012 at 11:23 pm

I thought it would be more illuminating (to some) than the stock “sent from my iPhone).Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Steverino247 October 29, 2012 at 12:43 am

Indeed it was! Can't imagine what it would have been like to have modern commo back when I was in the field a lot. Probably would have been getting texts from the CO to march yet another hour until the LT figured out where he was.

M. Bouffant October 29, 2012 at 2:11 am

Web log is right there in my avatar, no need to pimp it further!

redarmyzombie October 29, 2012 at 3:59 am

First, you take it to a nice, quiet field…

ttommyunger October 29, 2012 at 5:42 am

Fer sure. I too am pre-GPS,MRE&GortexSent from the Field, not in Garrison.

Negropolis October 29, 2012 at 8:31 am

I mean, it is a duplicitous thing to do, and in an honorable system in an honorable society, politicians would step down from their currently held positions to run for higher office, if only for symbolic purposes. But, that boat's done sailed many decades ago. lol

Katydid October 29, 2012 at 10:14 am

I read that as "Think I'll piss." I think maybe I'm very weird.

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