New York police officer Gil Valle had some devilish plans for roughly 100 women that were not very nice. He was going to kidnap them, tie them to some sort of cooking implement, and then roast them slowly, keeping them alive for his hellish torture as long as possible. But raping them? Nah mang. Rape isn’t his bag. This means, of course, that a man who planned to kidnap, torture, cook and eat women is less creepy on women’s autonomy than the entirety of the GOP.
According to the criminal complaint, Valle discussed his plans with at least one co-conspirator via email. He allegedly wrote,“I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus… cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible,” in one email. In an email to another person, he negotiated the terms of the torture: “But I will really get off on knocking her out, tying up her hands and bare feet and gagging her,” Valle allegedly wrote. “I think I would rather not get involved in the rape. You paid for her. She is all yours and I don’t want to be tempted the next time I abduct a girl.”
A man who wants to kidnap, knock out, tie a woman over a low flame and then eat her alive … but has no interest in sticking foreign objects in her vagina. Or any interest in her vagina at all, really. Like, it’s cool, she can do with her vagina what she wants; he’s not gonna force himself all up in there, he’s cool.
Sorry “suspended” officer Valle, but you’d never make it in today’s GOP.
{ 221 comments }
They're hanging themselves. No need to stretch the rope.
He's specifically going to avoid stretching the rope. That way he won't be tempted next time.
I wasn't thinking about the cop. I was thinking about the post in general. Kind of a bridge too far.
Ohplease! The guy was getting a head start on Hurricane Sandy and how the food's run out in the city already! Leave this cop alone! He was being entrepreneurial! I know I've already nommed a few limbs. I'm getting peckish.
It's kind of hard to make a tasteful joke at this point, no?
Ugh. I don't want to joke about this at all.
Too scary to to even think guys like this actually exist. Hold me.
(Hugs Lascauxcaveman)
But that shouldn't rule out the prospect of a tasty sauteed brain recipe like this one, should it?
Sounds a bit bland. And what fruit would you use? Ideally, one should consider a sauce of raspberries, or any other reddish fruit.
Oh, I see what you did there.
Why would we start making tasteful jokes now?
Well, I'd TRY, but CRE_ature would get on my case about my supposed cannibalism.
Thank God, I wasn't part of his Barb-a-Q. *shiver*
:0(
Sorry, allow me to head butt you all day to make up for it. My bad.
Aw, don't mind me. This kinda thing just upsets me, is all. :0/
It makes me think of the little girl in that "Aliens" movie:
"My mommy always said there were no monsters – no real ones – but there are."
Okay, let's change the joke.
I hear this guy was on the Jenny Craig diet.
Favorite film – watched it just last night. But…how did you know? You aren't…in my house…are you?
Quick, where's my right hand right now?
His friends say he was always singing. "There is nothing like a dame…"
Followed by his rendition of "The dame on flame is maimly not the same…"
Gil Valle's statements were taken out of context, and he apologizes if anyone misinterpreted them because of the librul media.
He meant that he wanted to cook them alive, with votes.
"My intent was not to piss anyone off, but to do my due diligence by suggesting that I wanted to cook these women low and slow… and some people got offended."
Bakin' ladies is going to be a challenge on the next season of Top Chef.
Iron Chef secret ingredient: WOMEN!
I don't know. Anybody can get baked. You just have to want to and rid yourselves of the social qualms around it.
And a plank in the next GOP Convention Platform.
Officer Valle also wrote, "If anyone orders Chianti, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Chianti!"
On the plus side, at least he wouldn't be able to wash them down with a soda larger than sixteen ounces.
Somebody's going to get ignored at the next Politico cocktail party…..
This story is salutary in that it makes one's own perversions seem downright wholesome.
Never mind.
Romney has binders of women, Vale has folders of women.
And crockpots full of women!
They're both swimmin' in wimmen'.
Speaking of which, I think I've traced the origin of Mitt's binders to Joseph Smith's associate/patsy Martin Harris, who in 1859 claimed that the golden plates "… were put together on the back by three silver rings, so that they would open like a book."
Rotisseries of women.
Republican leaders prefer their own feet.
Now what is he supposed to serve with all those fava beans?
He certainly wouldn't eat Sarah Palin, too bitter.
Like our friendly NYPD cannibal cop I don't like the taste of sulfur, either.
Probably a bit stringy too. Oh, and the aftertaste.
And too much gristle these days…
Or griftle.
Gristly mama.
The flavor quits halfway through?
Very ill-advised since she's so marinated in meth you'll be wired for the next 3 days.
Assuming you don't OD.
Gives new meaning to "Stop and Frisk".
Stop and Fricassée?
Shake and bake.
Stop and frisk and marinate?
The fappability quotient of this blog is declining ever and ever more rapidly.
That's debatable.
Yeah-I need to go back to that video of Lena Dunham now.
Needs moar Buttsechs.
Editrix needs to write more Bodice Rippers, less Jack The.
Yes, he only planned to prepare his lady-roast for somebody else to rape, so obvious RINO.
He was merely planning on subbing out the work he found distasteful. Jerbs creator!
Like using the DH when the pitcher's standing on-deck.
The scary part was these were women that he knew, according to the NYT. I bet he was a believer in small government.
Well, who in their right mind wants to eat people they don't know? 'Cause, yuck!
You don't know where that person has been!
I didn't see in your post whether this guy was running for Senate or not. Probably just a journalistic slip-up?
This guy is going to run for prez: "A woman in every pot."
Pots full of women!
Honey pot!
Women full of pot, plz!
I thought it was a "BIG BIRD' in every pot
I almost wish this guy was black so we could hear the Neo-Cons turn the story into: "Barack Obama wants to sex your daughters and eat them" …because black is black.
drat I accidentally stole yours. I'm worse than this fucking guy.
His menu begins at conception.
Mmmmm, veal…
Law & Order SVU episode in 3…2…1…
You can see the credits rolling already:
Stories ripped from the rotisserie.
Looks like those women aren't going to be the only ones
::sunglasses::
with their feet held over the fire.
CSI libel!
This one is more Criminal Minds territory. Seriously creepy.
Duh-DUN!
At least he's not a terrorist!!11!
"To serve and garnish"
~
Ladies are best when cooked in a crock pot.
Get me a sammitch while you're up.
By a crack pot.
Romney applauds his bold plan to get off food stamps.
I didn't hear. Was this going to be Legitimate or Illegitimate Cannibalism.
Women have ways of shutting down the rotisserie.
I've been waiting for Wonkette to work on the Good Housekeeping interview with Ann Romney. http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/celebrity-… The snark quotient there is huge. Sneak peek: "turn up the gas and get people…" Plus, it seems Mittens has a rage issue.
Someone just extended Paula Deen's show by another three seasons.
Needz moar butter yall.
I'm sure the Republican congress would vote for a resolution declaring women as a vegetable in school cafeterias.
Ha ha. The jokes on them. Everyone knows that republicans are the real vegetables.
The original reports on Wednesday included rape – he would kidnap, rape, then cook his victims. The over 100 women he had on his list? Came from the national criime database that he had access to as a police officer.
I guess OKCupid just wasn't cutting for him.
Great. Now I'm hungry.
Don't eat Chinese, you'll be hungry again in half an hour.
Confucius say eat German-Chinese food and you'll be power-hungry.
In bed.
That's what she said.
I thought cops ate donuts.
Slow roasted donuts.
Well, then, this totally makes sense.
He was THIS CLOSE to getting that coveted Mittens helping hand…and may still!
"Oh good heavens, of course I'm not in favor of slow-roasting women alive over an open flame and then preparing delicious steaks from their flesh to serve at a Police League barbecue. But this does show how the president has failed to provide leadership to the country."
"I'm running for office for Pete's sake."
Some put them in binders. Some put them in blenders.
I like my Frappafemale with extra whipped cream.
You know I have been asked to do this sort of thing to the wife, often. Not the cooking part, but, well, you know, the eating alive. I was almost sure she didn't mean this, but we're not republicans so….
Would this qualify as a legitimate bake?
As long as Grace was said before eating.
~
Even if you're eating Grace?
Make me a sammich!
Poof! You're a sammich!
I guess the NYPD is so hard up for people to go through the academy that they are not doing any psychological testing. Do you think they might start doing that after this little bit of publicity?? No? I didn't think so either.
This story is super difficult to masturb…never mind.
I knew the NYPD was full of psychopaths but at least they draw the line at kidnapping, killing and eating people.
"However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police." – Quentin Crisp
Seems like they don't mind a little assault, rape, or murder though.
This is all just too unsavory for my taste.
Sounds more like the Spanish Inquisition.
Nobody expected that.
It's not like he wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound or something.
The above image is producing an unpleasant reminder for me of that scene in Silence of the Lambs wherein the West Virginia speaking accent is forcibly raped by Jodie Foster.
There is a pressing legal question here: The accent was issued forth from her mouth, which was unable to shut the whole thing down, making it illegitimate??
Little-known fact: Foster's WV inflection was the midpoint in development of the Nell speech patterns.
So, what you're saying is that it was a legitimate accent-rape, then?
Hello Clarice!
That's not his ticket book! It's a cookbook!!
"To Serve Women"
I don't know how y'all women deal with all peril, peril, peril everywhere. Rape. Republicans who support rape. Women-cookers. Real Housewives. Breast cancer. Cervical cancer. High heels. Low pay. Today, on the other hand, I will be playing Xbox 360 in my Marky Marks without a care in the world until it's time to go to some wedding where I will pour on the Xbox charmmmm.
"If I were a boy…."
On the other hand, women to get to marry men. So that is a pretty good deal, amIright?
To each his own?
I just hope that they didn't let this guy organize the kālua pig roast for the NYPD Luau.
Long pig, or Long Island pig roast?
It rubs the Crisco on its skin.
I am! I am!
Put the woman in the basket.
It's sad when just having "NYPD" on there lowers the shock factor of the story by about 90%.
Didn't lower it for me.
This is totally shocking.
I think we are all completely fed up with the devaluing of women.
(This little episode seems to be causing a sense of humor failure.)
Rape or GTFO.
You know who else had no interest in vaginas at all?
Marcus Bachmann?
Any republican who mentions how fit Paul Ryan is?
Eunuchs?
Everyone who saw Octomom give birth?
Well, it wasn't Ellen Degeneres.
Liberace?
Refalca?
NYPD Bleu
Permit me to use that when I go to my local tavern/cop hangout later this afternoon.
Be sure to put an apple in your mouth.
Granted, but at your own risk, sir. I don't make comments on Wonkette to be held responsible for them.
Most of them are cool guys and gals, at least in the bar.
Do they look well-fed? It's important…
NYPD Blow Torch
Another broken, defective one. Scary thing is, he didn't actually get to the point where he did anything, so he'll probably get off with a couple of years for 'conspiracy to eat a woman' or something. Meanwhile, the black kid he busted with a dime bag of crack last year is doing 10 to 20.
Your move, Gordon Ramsay.
Valle 2016: A Woman In Every Pot!
How can a NY cop afford an apartment that can hold one hundred captive women? Starting salary at the NYPD is $34,970 a year.
Yah, but once you factor in all the overtime it's a different story.
And Tupperware is great on fridge space.
And they got a lot of overtime last year, pepper-spraying them Occupy folks.
Not to mention that you can probably pen up a few in Central Park.
i don't think he could afford an apartment to hold a roaster.
never mind the women.
The sad fact is, it doesn't matter if he wants to eat ladies (in the very very bad way) the fact he's white would still make him popular among the GOPers.
Well, he's white(ish), and by that I mean a fair-skinned hispanic looking at the profile at Gothamist. But, since his grasp of Spanish he lists as "poor", he should fit right in with them. Bueno!
I don't know about this. I usually overnight marinate the women I roast.
Big parboiler here.
In Texas, we use the large smoker, same as for brisket.
That Lena Dunham is most certainly responsible for this.
There's a school of thought that the real sociopaths are among the most respected citizens…the police officer, the minister, the U.S. Senator, the bank president, the CEO…this school of thought is right.
I detected a flaw in his culinary plan. How will he be able to stuff the birds and keep them alive at the same time?
He had no interest in stuffing them.
My favorite tweet about this was
"To Serve And Protect Man": Apparently it's a cookbook.
Women™:FIlls you up without filling you out.
Battered women….. sounds delicious!!
Water, meet computer screen. Well done.
Chicks and chips is my favorite pub snack.
I almost lost my tempura over that one.
It feels like an Arlene's night.
With our luck, this will be the last new post until 11 p.m. Sunday night.
Yeah, I notice that the blush is off the rose and the excitement phase is over, haven't seen many late night or weekend posts from our Snark Mistress lately. Don't know what we will do after Dok Zoom gets done diagramming that crazy Christian history book.
Wonkette should just give us an empty comment box and let us go to town.
I believe Editrix has observed in the past that everybody must get laid.
You'll be delighted to know that I have a big ol' pile of OTHER Christianist textbooks!
OK, perhaps "delighted" is the wrong word.
A perfect storm of truly awful puns is forecast for the weekend.
There is a Wishconshin Senate debate tonight. Mayhaps there will be livebloog? 8pm Central.
Mayor Bloomberg is claiming the arrest averted a massive toilet paper shortage.
OT, but only just for the moment:
http://www.dayswithoutagoprapemention.com/
Excellent!
While I thoroughly enjoy eating women, I do like them to be alive and satiated when I am through.
Well, I've eaten a few women in my time, but no digestion ever took place, and they really seemed to enjoy it.
This is really big disappointment for the GOP – he was showing such promise!
That's one way for the ladies to get home to feed their husbands!
Hey Valle! Bite me!
Twilight Zone. "How to serve man."
Romney is not commenting on this story because forcible rape is not involved. Had it been, he would not comment on it. Then he would change his position, and insist that he stands by his earlier non-comment.
Assume deer dead.
This is the logical conclusion of the liberal obsession with sourcing all food locally. Other than Pigeons and rats what’s a carnivore to eat that is free range and locally sourced in NYC?
Raccoons.
to be fair, i'm pretty sick of election coverage too.
I KNOW! Can we finally get back to constantly criticizing their work, and not their job interviews!
Don't worry, he's NYPD; there are plenty of other officers ready to pick up the slack and fill this guy's rape quota for on his behalf.
I've eaten some breakfast tacos (Thai-Mexican style) over in East Austin that I were so good they we're almost fuckable ….but consensual !!
He was very specific about tying up her bare feet. I find that a bit creepy.
That's not a glass ceiling, it's a glass lid for the giant cooking pot!
Guess who's coming to dinner?
Bad planning. After he cooks them to death, who's going to be around to make the sandwiches?
Assume women delicious.
This brings to mind the totally dark and inappropriate humor of the late and great Mitch Hedgeberg, who said:
"Battered women…sounds delicious."
Okay, I need a shower, but one I feel will not wash the stench of hell from my skin.
LOL. I saw him live once. He wasn't very funny though – prolly too drunk and/or high. But his opener, Al Madrigal (now on Daily Show), nearly made me shit myself with votes, er laughter. That guy is a comedic genius.
I only ever saw him on television, but few people ever made me laugh harder than him. He has a very distinct style, and may not have been everyone's cup of tea, but I got him.
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Leave the labia, take the cannoli.
“I think I would rather not get involved in the rape." Obviously a Democrat.
Some kind of apparatus? He should study his religious history. Right christians have cooked lots of wrong christians. Must be diagrams somewhere. Check the papal library.
Well, I hope he made sure they washed their vadges first.
Poor Jenny!
AY-firmative!
lol U freek! Truly, tho, that's one great flick – in some ways superior to the first 'un. And, being kinda a runt myself, I've always IDed with Newt… :0)
I was gonna say,.. I ended up watching "Aliens" in the theater as a teen prior to ever seeing the first one, because I'd been too young at its release. I appreciate both now but for different reasons, obvs as they had 2 separate directors — but each is powerful in its own way and they both hold up over repeat viewings!
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