rape of the baking women

Devilish NYPD ‘Cannibal Cop’ Planned To Cook Women Alive, Was Less Creepy On Rape Than Entire GOP

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New York's finestNew York police officer Gil Valle had some devilish plans for roughly 100 women that were not very nice. He was going to kidnap them, tie them to some sort of cooking implement, and then roast them slowly, keeping them alive for his hellish torture as long as possible. But raping them? Nah mang. Rape isn’t his bag. This means, of course, that a man who planned to kidnap, torture, cook and eat women is less creepy on women’s autonomy than the entirety of the GOP.

According to the criminal complaint, Valle discussed his plans with at least one co-conspirator via email. He allegedly wrote,“I was thinking of tying her body onto some kind of apparatus… cook her over a low heat, keep her alive as long as possible,” in one email. In an email to another person, he negotiated the terms of the torture: “But I will really get off on knocking her out, tying up her hands and bare feet and gagging her,” Valle allegedly wrote. “I think I would rather not get involved in the rape. You paid for her. She is all yours and I don’t want to be tempted the next time I abduct a girl.”

A man who wants to kidnap, knock out, tie a woman over a low flame and then eat her alive … but has no interest in sticking foreign objects in her vagina. Or any interest in her vagina at all, really. Like, it’s cool, she can do with her vagina what she wants; he’s not gonna force himself all up in there, he’s cool.

Sorry “suspended” officer Valle, but you’d never make it in today’s GOP.

[Salon / Gothamist / CBS]

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Buzz Feedback

    They're hanging themselves. No need to stretch the rope.

    • AdamGR

      He's specifically going to avoid stretching the rope. That way he won't be tempted next time.

      • Buzz Feedback

        I wasn't thinking about the cop. I was thinking about the post in general. Kind of a bridge too far.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Ohplease! The guy was getting a head start on Hurricane Sandy and how the food's run out in the city already! Leave this cop alone! He was being entrepreneurial! I know I've already nommed a few limbs. I'm getting peckish.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    It's kind of hard to make a tasteful joke at this point, no?

    • BadKitty904

      Ugh. I don't want to joke about this at all.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Too scary to to even think guys like this actually exist. Hold me.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        (Hugs Lascauxcaveman)

    • Giveusabob

      But that shouldn't rule out the prospect of a tasty sauteed brain recipe like this one, should it?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Sounds a bit bland. And what fruit would you use? Ideally, one should consider a sauce of raspberries, or any other reddish fruit.

    • emmelemm

      Oh, I see what you did there.

    • GhostBuggy

      Why would we start making tasteful jokes now?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Well, I'd TRY, but CRE_ature would get on my case about my supposed cannibalism.

  • Barbara_

    Thank God, I wasn't part of his Barb-a-Q. *shiver*

    • BadKitty904

      :0(

      • Barbara_

        Sorry, allow me to head butt you all day to make up for it. My bad.

        • BadKitty904

          Aw, don't mind me. This kinda thing just upsets me, is all. :0/

          It makes me think of the little girl in that "Aliens" movie:

          "My mommy always said there were no monsters – no real ones – but there are."

          • Barbara_

            Okay, let's change the joke.
            I hear this guy was on the Jenny Craig diet.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Poor Jenny!

          • Fare la Volpe

            Favorite film – watched it just last night. But…how did you know? You aren't…in my house…are you?

            Quick, where's my right hand right now?

          • BadKitty904

            AY-firmative!

            lol U freek! Truly, tho, that's one great flick – in some ways superior to the first 'un. And, being kinda a runt myself, I've always IDed with Newt… :0)

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            I was gonna say,.. I ended up watching "Aliens" in the theater as a teen prior to ever seeing the first one, because I'd been too young at its release. I appreciate both now but for different reasons, obvs as they had 2 separate directors — but each is powerful in its own way and they both hold up over repeat viewings!

        • rickmaci

          His friends say he was always singing. "There is nothing like a dame…"

          • Geminisunmars

            Followed by his rendition of "The dame on flame is maimly not the same…"

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    Gil Valle's statements were taken out of context, and he apologizes if anyone misinterpreted them because of the librul media.

    • mavenmaven

      He meant that he wanted to cook them alive, with votes.

    • elviouslyqueer

      "My intent was not to piss anyone off, but to do my due diligence by suggesting that I wanted to cook these women low and slow… and some people got offended."

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    Bakin' ladies is going to be a challenge on the next season of Top Chef.

    • Texan_Bulldog

      Iron Chef secret ingredient: WOMEN!

    • Negropolis

      I don't know. Anybody can get baked. You just have to want to and rid yourselves of the social qualms around it.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      And a plank in the next GOP Convention Platform.

  • Come here a minute

    Officer Valle also wrote, "If anyone orders Chianti, I'm leaving. I am NOT drinking any fucking Chianti!"

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    On the plus side, at least he wouldn't be able to wash them down with a soda larger than sixteen ounces.

  • Lazy Media

    Somebody's going to get ignored at the next Politico cocktail party…..

  • Hammiepants

    This story is salutary in that it makes one's own perversions seem downright wholesome.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Never mind.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Romney has binders of women, Vale has folders of women.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      And crockpots full of women!

    • Mittaplasia

      They're both swimmin' in wimmen'.

    • TribecaMike

      Speaking of which, I think I've traced the origin of Mitt's binders to Joseph Smith's associate/patsy Martin Harris, who in 1859 claimed that the golden plates "… were put together on the back by three silver rings, so that they would open like a book."

    • calliecallie

      Rotisseries of women.

  • Disassembly

    Republican leaders prefer their own feet.

  • MissTaken

    Now what is he supposed to serve with all those fava beans?

    • Barbara_

      He certainly wouldn't eat Sarah Palin, too bitter.

      • MissTaken

        Like our friendly NYPD cannibal cop I don't like the taste of sulfur, either.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Probably a bit stringy too. Oh, and the aftertaste.

      • LibertyLover

        And too much gristle these days…

        • HogeyeGrex

          Or griftle.

        • Biff

          Gristly mama.

      • widestanceromance

        The flavor quits halfway through?

      • Mittaplasia

        Very ill-advised since she's so marinated in meth you'll be wired for the next 3 days.

        • redarmyzombie

          Assuming you don't OD.

  • nounverb911

    Gives new meaning to "Stop and Frisk".

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Stop and Fricassée?

    • Disassembly

      Shake and bake.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Stop and frisk and marinate?

  • Lot_49

    The fappability quotient of this blog is declining ever and ever more rapidly.

    • Esteev

      That's debatable.

    • MosesInvests

      Yeah-I need to go back to that video of Lena Dunham now.

    • redarmyzombie

      Needs moar Buttsechs.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Editrix needs to write more Bodice Rippers, less Jack The.

  • edgydrifter

    Yes, he only planned to prepare his lady-roast for somebody else to rape, so obvious RINO.

    • Biff

      He was merely planning on subbing out the work he found distasteful. Jerbs creator!

      • Mittaplasia

        Like using the DH when the pitcher's standing on-deck.

  • mavenmaven

    The scary part was these were women that he knew, according to the NYT. I bet he was a believer in small government.

    • jodyleek

      Well, who in their right mind wants to eat people they don't know? 'Cause, yuck!

      • Geminisunmars

        You don't know where that person has been!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I didn't see in your post whether this guy was running for Senate or not. Probably just a journalistic slip-up?

  • Mittaplasia

    This guy is going to run for prez: "A woman in every pot."

    • CthuNHu

      Pots full of women!

      • Biff

        Honey pot!

      • Esteev

        Women full of pot, plz!

        • deliman4

          I thought it was a "BIG BIRD' in every pot

    • RomneysLogCabin

      I almost wish this guy was black so we could hear the Neo-Cons turn the story into: "Barack Obama wants to sex your daughters and eat them" …because black is black.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      drat I accidentally stole yours. I'm worse than this fucking guy.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    His menu begins at conception.

    • Biff

      Mmmmm, veal…

  • nounverb911

    Law & Order SVU episode in 3…2…1…

    • Lot_49

      You can see the credits rolling already:

      Story by Gil Valle

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Stories ripped from the rotisserie.

    • WhatTheHolyHeck

      Looks like those women aren't going to be the only ones

      ::sunglasses::

      with their feet held over the fire.

      • Negropolis

        CSI libel!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      This one is more Criminal Minds territory. Seriously creepy.

    • MosesInvests

      Duh-DUN!

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    At least he's not a terrorist!!11!

    "To serve and garnish"
    ~

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Ladies are best when cooked in a crock pot.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Get me a sammitch while you're up.

    • kittensdontlie

      By a crack pot.

  • Schmannnity

    Romney applauds his bold plan to get off food stamps.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I didn't hear. Was this going to be Legitimate or Illegitimate Cannibalism.

    • Geminisunmars

      Women have ways of shutting down the rotisserie.

  • cousinitt

    I've been waiting for Wonkette to work on the Good Housekeeping interview with Ann Romney. http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/family/celebrity-… The snark quotient there is huge. Sneak peek: "turn up the gas and get people…" Plus, it seems Mittens has a rage issue.

  • kyeshinka

    Someone just extended Paula Deen's show by another three seasons.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I'm sure the Republican congress would vote for a resolution declaring women as a vegetable in school cafeterias.

    • Geminisunmars

      Ha ha. The jokes on them. Everyone knows that republicans are the real vegetables.

  • asterixaverni

    The original reports on Wednesday included rape – he would kidnap, rape, then cook his victims. The over 100 women he had on his list? Came from the national criime database that he had access to as a police officer.

    I guess OKCupid just wasn't cutting for him.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Great. Now I'm hungry.

    • MissTaken

      Don't eat Chinese, you'll be hungry again in half an hour.

      • Mittaplasia

        Confucius say eat German-Chinese food and you'll be power-hungry.

        • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

          In bed.

          • Negropolis

            That's what she said.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I thought cops ate donuts.

    • Geminisunmars

      Slow roasted donuts.

    • Negropolis

      Well, then, this totally makes sense.

  • http://bluemonkeh.blogspot.com/ BlueMonkeh

    He was THIS CLOSE to getting that coveted Mittens helping hand…and may still!

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      "Oh good heavens, of course I'm not in favor of slow-roasting women alive over an open flame and then preparing delicious steaks from their flesh to serve at a Police League barbecue. But this does show how the president has failed to provide leadership to the country."

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        "I'm running for office for Pete's sake."

  • Tequila Mockingbird

    Some put them in binders. Some put them in blenders.

    • MissTaken

      I like my Frappafemale with extra whipped cream.

  • Antispandex

    You know I have been asked to do this sort of thing to the wife, often. Not the cooking part, but, well, you know, the eating alive. I was almost sure she didn't mean this, but we're not republicans so….

  • MissTaken

    Would this qualify as a legitimate bake?

    • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

      As long as Grace was said before eating.
      ~

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Even if you're eating Grace?

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Make me a sammich!

    • CthuNHu

      Poof! You're a sammich!

  • miss_grundy

    I guess the NYPD is so hard up for people to go through the academy that they are not doing any psychological testing. Do you think they might start doing that after this little bit of publicity?? No? I didn't think so either.

  • Not_So_Much

    This story is super difficult to masturb…never mind.

  • pdiddycornchips

    I knew the NYPD was full of psychopaths but at least they draw the line at kidnapping, killing and eating people.

    • OneYieldRegular

      "However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police." – Quentin Crisp

    • docterry6973

      Seems like they don't mind a little assault, rape, or murder though.

  • widestanceromance

    This is all just too unsavory for my taste.

  • chascates

    Sounds more like the Spanish Inquisition.

    • TribecaMike

      Nobody expected that.

  • Radiotherapy

    It's not like he wanted to do a transvaginal ultrasound or something.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    The above image is producing an unpleasant reminder for me of that scene in Silence of the Lambs wherein the West Virginia speaking accent is forcibly raped by Jodie Foster.

    • kittensdontlie

      There is a pressing legal question here: The accent was issued forth from her mouth, which was unable to shut the whole thing down, making it illegitimate??

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Little-known fact: Foster's WV inflection was the midpoint in development of the Nell speech patterns.

    • Negropolis

      So, what you're saying is that it was a legitimate accent-rape, then?

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      Hello Clarice!

  • BaldarTFlagass

    That's not his ticket book! It's a cookbook!!

    • calliecallie

      "To Serve Women"

  • Detesticle

    I don't know how y'all women deal with all peril, peril, peril everywhere. Rape. Republicans who support rape. Women-cookers. Real Housewives. Breast cancer. Cervical cancer. High heels. Low pay. Today, on the other hand, I will be playing Xbox 360 in my Marky Marks without a care in the world until it's time to go to some wedding where I will pour on the Xbox charmmmm.

    • calliecallie

      "If I were a boy…."

    • docterry6973

      On the other hand, women to get to marry men. So that is a pretty good deal, amIright?

  • ph7

    To each his own?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I just hope that they didn't let this guy organize the kālua pig roast for the NYPD Luau.

    • Biff

      Long pig, or Long Island pig roast?

  • MissTaken

    It rubs the Crisco on its skin.

    • Esteev

      I am! I am!

    • Negropolis

      Put the woman in the basket.

  • snowpointsecret

    It's sad when just having "NYPD" on there lowers the shock factor of the story by about 90%.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Didn't lower it for me.
      This is totally shocking.

      I think we are all completely fed up with the devaluing of women.
      (This little episode seems to be causing a sense of humor failure.)

  • gullywompr

    Rape or GTFO.

  • CthuNHu

    You know who else had no interest in vaginas at all?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Marcus Bachmann?

    • ph7

      Any republican who mentions how fit Paul Ryan is?

    • Esteev

      Eunuchs?

    • Mittaplasia

      Everyone who saw Octomom give birth?

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Well, it wasn't Ellen Degeneres.

    • Negropolis

      Liberace?

    • calliecallie

      Refalca?

  • widestanceromance

    NYPD Bleu

    • TribecaMike

      Permit me to use that when I go to my local tavern/cop hangout later this afternoon.

      • Esteev

        Be sure to put an apple in your mouth.

      • widestanceromance

        Granted, but at your own risk, sir. I don't make comments on Wonkette to be held responsible for them.

        • TribecaMike

          Most of them are cool guys and gals, at least in the bar.

          • BaldarTFlagass

            Do they look well-fed? It's important…

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      NYPD Blow Torch

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Another broken, defective one. Scary thing is, he didn't actually get to the point where he did anything, so he'll probably get off with a couple of years for 'conspiracy to eat a woman' or something. Meanwhile, the black kid he busted with a dime bag of crack last year is doing 10 to 20.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Your move, Gordon Ramsay.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Valle 2016: A Woman In Every Pot!

  • TribecaMike

    How can a NY cop afford an apartment that can hold one hundred captive women? Starting salary at the NYPD is $34,970 a year.

    • Jerri

      Yah, but once you factor in all the overtime it's a different story.

      • Esteev

        And Tupperware is great on fridge space.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        And they got a lot of overtime last year, pepper-spraying them Occupy folks.

      • Negropolis

        Not to mention that you can probably pen up a few in Central Park.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      i don't think he could afford an apartment to hold a roaster.

      never mind the women.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    The sad fact is, it doesn't matter if he wants to eat ladies (in the very very bad way) the fact he's white would still make him popular among the GOPers.

    • Negropolis

      Well, he's white(ish), and by that I mean a fair-skinned hispanic looking at the profile at Gothamist. But, since his grasp of Spanish he lists as "poor", he should fit right in with them. Bueno!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    I don't know about this. I usually overnight marinate the women I roast.

    • TribecaMike

      Big parboiler here.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      In Texas, we use the large smoker, same as for brisket.

  • Esteev

    That Lena Dunham is most certainly responsible for this.

  • BlueStateLibel

    There's a school of thought that the real sociopaths are among the most respected citizens…the police officer, the minister, the U.S. Senator, the bank president, the CEO…this school of thought is right.

  • Biff

    I detected a flaw in his culinary plan. How will he be able to stuff the birds and keep them alive at the same time?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He had no interest in stuffing them.

  • HogeyeGrex

    My favorite tweet about this was

    "To Serve And Protect Man": Apparently it's a cookbook.

  • gullywompr

    Women™:FIlls you up without filling you out.

  • deliman4

    Battered women….. sounds delicious!!

    • MissTaken

      Water, meet computer screen. Well done.

    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      Chicks and chips is my favorite pub snack.

    • widestanceromance

      I almost lost my tempura over that one.

  • Esteev

    It feels like an Arlene's night.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    With our luck, this will be the last new post until 11 p.m. Sunday night.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Yeah, I notice that the blush is off the rose and the excitement phase is over, haven't seen many late night or weekend posts from our Snark Mistress lately. Don't know what we will do after Dok Zoom gets done diagramming that crazy Christian history book.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Wonkette should just give us an empty comment box and let us go to town.

      • bobbert

        I believe Editrix has observed in the past that everybody must get laid.

      • Doktor Zoom

        You'll be delighted to know that I have a big ol' pile of OTHER Christianist textbooks!

        OK, perhaps "delighted" is the wrong word.

    • widestanceromance

      A perfect storm of truly awful puns is forecast for the weekend.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      There is a Wishconshin Senate debate tonight. Mayhaps there will be livebloog? 8pm Central.

  • TribecaMike

    Mayor Bloomberg is claiming the arrest averted a massive toilet paper shortage.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    OT, but only just for the moment:
    http://www.dayswithoutagoprapemention.com/

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Excellent!

  • Beowoof

    While I thoroughly enjoy eating women, I do like them to be alive and satiated when I am through.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Well, I've eaten a few women in my time, but no digestion ever took place, and they really seemed to enjoy it.

  • barto

    This is really big disappointment for the GOP – he was showing such promise!

  • oenspiek

    That's one way for the ladies to get home to feed their husbands!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Hey Valle! Bite me!

  • rickmaci

    Twilight Zone. "How to serve man."

  • owhatever

    Romney is not commenting on this story because forcible rape is not involved. Had it been, he would not comment on it. Then he would change his position, and insist that he stands by his earlier non-comment.

  • DahBoner

    Assume deer dead.

  • Goonemeritus

    This is the logical conclusion of the liberal obsession with sourcing all food locally. Other than Pigeons and rats what’s a carnivore to eat that is free range and locally sourced in NYC?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    to be fair, i'm pretty sick of election coverage too.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      I KNOW! Can we finally get back to constantly criticizing their work, and not their job interviews!

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    Don't worry, he's NYPD; there are plenty of other officers ready to pick up the slack and fill this guy's rape quota for on his behalf.

  • ElPinche

    I've eaten some breakfast tacos (Thai-Mexican style) over in East Austin that I were so good they we're almost fuckable ….but consensual !!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    He was very specific about tying up her bare feet. I find that a bit creepy.

  • Steverino247

    That's not a glass ceiling, it's a glass lid for the giant cooking pot!

  • LibertyLover

    Guess who's coming to dinner?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Bad planning. After he cooks them to death, who's going to be around to make the sandwiches?

  • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

    Assume women delicious.

  • Negropolis

    This brings to mind the totally dark and inappropriate humor of the late and great Mitch Hedgeberg, who said:

    "Battered women…sounds delicious."

    Okay, I need a shower, but one I feel will not wash the stench of hell from my skin.

    • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

      LOL. I saw him live once. He wasn't very funny though – prolly too drunk and/or high. But his opener, Al Madrigal (now on Daily Show), nearly made me shit myself with votes, er laughter. That guy is a comedic genius.

      • Negropolis

        I only ever saw him on television, but few people ever made me laugh harder than him. He has a very distinct style, and may not have been everyone's cup of tea, but I got him.

  • http://krisbunda.com/blog/index.php Designer_Rants

    They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

  • TribecaMike

    Leave the labia, take the cannoli.

  • ttommyunger

    “I think I would rather not get involved in the rape." Obviously a Democrat.

  • docterry6973

    Some kind of apparatus? He should study his religious history. Right christians have cooked lots of wrong christians. Must be diagrams somewhere. Check the papal library.

  • littlebigdaddy

    Well, I hope he made sure they washed their vadges first.