scary movies

South Dakota GOP Halloween Tale Of Terror: Dirty Hippie Running For Congress Went To Cambridge, Has Master’s Degree

Real Murkin, not like that other commie fagWho do you want representing you, South Dakota? A disgusting hippie who loves “cap and trade” and taught at the Biosphere and has a master’s degree? Or this nice lady with the awesome hair who was named “young farmer of the year” by the “Waterstown JC” (?) and who didn’t whore herself out to Big Education? We are fairly sure the answer is self-evident! For instance, take a look at the picture above. See all the nice things Kristi Noem was doing in 2001? Awesome. What was her filthy radical opponent doing at the time? GOING TO CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY like a common intellectual. Which leaves unanswered the very important questions: Does Matt Varilek wear glasses, and if so, when will South Dakota gift him with the “re-education” he so obviously needs?

Do not watch if you don’t want to see terrifying footage of Matt Varilek drinking Jaeger and eating corndogs and other super-obviously-un-American type things.

Luckily, Tea Party favorite Congresswoman Noem has about twice as much cash on hand as this … freak Varilek. And so the Republic may stand for yet another day.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. kittenbomb

    Milan, Italy? He was probably doing other disgusting things, like eating pasta, looking at fine architecture and drinking wine that is not mass produced at Boone's Farm. Traitor!

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Plus, he probably bought clothes at those fancy Eye-talean faggy designer boo-teeks rather than doing his clothes shopping at all-American stores like Wal-Mart. BOOOOOO.

    2. rickmaci

      We say spaghetti they say pasta
      We say Pak ee stan they say Pah key stawn
      We say nukular the say nuclear.

      What snobs.

  2. Barbara_

    The "incubator of radical environmental ideas?" I hate people like this, global warming warning freaks and tree hugging bitches that they are. Everyone knows that global warming is a hoax.

    Now if you will forgive me, I need to order some supplies for my daughter, who is hunkering down for "Frankenstorm."

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I'm looking forward to the geographically accurate layout of the storm's path as the Senator speed-sketches it for us, perhaps while whistling "Beyond the Sea"~

          1. BadKitty904

            Aww, we're snug as lil' bugs here. Me and my bf are both Florida natives, so we know how to handle hurricanes. My biggest concern was filling all the birdfeeders up before it got too bad, so the poor lil' things would have something to eat whilst being blown hither and yon by this wind.

            *YOU* guys mind y'all are careful, tho!

          2. Barbara_

            You have bird feeders? You just made my heart smile. I have 200 finches and a whole lot of pigeons that I feed 4 times a day. You are my new best friend.

          3. BadKitty904

            Yes, mam! Four of 'em, one on each corner of our lot. We have two cats and I set the feeders up so they'd have something to watch whilst Joaquin's at his office and I'm in class – kitty TV!

            Florida is on one of the two North American migration routes, so we get a bit of everything, depending on the time of year (even a few finches!), but mostly we get doves (mourning and ring-neck), parrots (quaker and conures), blue-jays, cardinals, grackles, and, of course, a gajillion squirrels…

      1. BaldarTFlagass

        I had a meeting scheduled in DC next week, but we've cancelled it. Thank Christ, I really hate to (not) travel in bad weather.

    1. MissTaken

      Yesterday I heard the the snor'eastercane may delay SorosBot's flight to his new home next week. But then I thought, "What would Herman Cain snoring at Easter have to do with weather? Stupid libruls with their 'global warming'".

        1. Mumbletypeg

          You mean like "Ben-nifer" or "Brangelina"?

          ETA: answered my own question.
          Well if y'all go dress up together for Halloween I'm aware there is "stake", "torso", "boss" and "smit'n" anagramized from your names to work with, personally I'm picturing a partly-dismembered yet smitten robot fending off a sexy vampiress with a stake but "smiting" yields possibilities as well.

        1. BoatOfVelociraptors

          Nah. Use boxed wine. Drain the sucker to get sleepy on those airport benches, and then re-inflate the bag to use as a pillow. Folds for easy stowage.

      1. PugglesRule

        And if God wants everyone to be killed by the snor'eastercane, then he goddamn (er) will let it happen. Because omnipotent!

  3. gullywompr

    When will these baggers learn that none of their hot candidates are ever going to fuck them?

    Nevermind, I know the answer….

    1. Ruhe

      Reading about how busy she was managing the farm and balancing the books and all I of course thought of the film "Norma Rae" and remembered that scene where Sally Field is ironing the laundry and she tells her loutish husband that if he wants some "lovin" then he should just get behind her at the ironing board and shimmy up her nightgown and… Okay, I'm probably gonna vote for Kristi.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      At least having lovely laydeez running for office raises the bar from that boring old standard of "who would you rather have a beer with" to the much more pertinent "who would you rather bone."

    3. docterry6973

      Hot monkey sexytime fucking? No. However, their candidates are most certainly going to fuck them.

  4. dekkoparsnip2

    But did she serve corn dogs at this "family" restaurant she managed? Until we know, we won't understand who hates America more.

    1. viennawoods13

      I was screaming at Morning Edition this morning. I knew there was a reason I have always hated and despised Meatloaf- and now I know why.

  5. Giveusabob

    Master's Degree or none, Matt is still too close to Biodome-era Pauly Shore to get my vote. Tough luck, Science! Try harder next time!

  6. FakaktaSouth

    What I want to know is why would someone with that education and access to the UN want to represent South Dakota? Run away! Run away!

    1. FakaktaSouth

      Yeah right, like this bitch has ever done a nice thing for anyone ever in her life. But yes, on the shut up.

      1. widestanceromance

        I made no claim that she was at all nice about it (afterward, she spat with contempt and said, 'good enough for government work').

  7. Detesticle

    Hahaha. Greatest Ad Ever … for Matt Varilek! He cares AND likes Jager?

    Where can I vote for Matt Varilek for president in 2016? I am on board!

  8. Lazy Media

    Pencil neck geek! Grit-eatin' freak! Thumbsucking peahead with a lousy physique! He's a one-man, no-good losing streak. Nothing but a pencil-neck geek.

    1. MissTaken

      Helping to balance the books and uh, some, uh. . . people out there in our nation don't have maps and, uh, I believe that our, uh, education like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and,

    2. sullivanst

      Yeah, about that.

      Who actually tries to balance their books in the real world? How many families, in their ideal world, would save nothing? Does any business want to make exactly zero profit?

      1. kissawookiee

        I have it on good authority that nobody wins the Miss Rapid City/Badlands tiara without making it thirty yards with a book balanced on her head. So there's that.

      1. Lascauxcaveman

        When you think about it, they probably could have made a blooper reel of that movie that was as long and nearly as funny as the movie itself. Why has this not been done?

  9. WhatTheHolyHeck

    + Likes kicky highlights, for Freedom!
    + Once pulled siamese calves backward out of their cowmom's babychute
    + Won 4A recipe contest for Roast Siamese Calves
    + with potato chip topping

  10. WhatTheHeck

    He visited socialist countries like Scotland and Italy. Must never have signed the Patriot pledge.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      And these countries are much closer to North Mali than North Dakota. Can we be sure he wasn't actually training with Al Qaeda?

  11. BadKitty904

    "This pinko freek, off gettin' edumacated, instead of stayin' home and cadging federal farm subsidies, like a *REAL* 'Merkin…"

  12. sullivanst

    Oh Tea Partiers, you are hilarious.

    I think it might be bad, though, that after watching your campaign video, I now support your opponent more.

    "Experts, who needs them?"

      1. PugglesRule

        She DID get an award from the SD Soybean Farmers Assoc. I saw it in the video. It must be true!

  13. SorosBot

    If the Republican party continues to treat education and intellectualism as somehow negative and to be mocked, then they just might find that all their candidates end up being complete drooling morons.

    1. BadKitty904

      Look how well that worked for the French, after they cut off the heads of all the smart folks in 1787…

  14. GregComlish

    Wait what? What does Kristi Noem have against Corn Dogs? Corn Dogs are one of the most American foods. Every heartlander knows this. Every heartlander knows it is proper that every political candidates fellate a Corn Dog at the State Fair. How many Corn Dogs have you consumed Kristi? None? Then fuck off and let a Real American do his job.

    1. PugglesRule

      Perhaps the SD GOP is averse to corn dogs ever since Marcus Bachmann swallowed, I mean, consumed one so delicately at the Iowa State Fair.

  15. Kid_Charlemagne

    "Radical Environmental Ideas." You mean like not wanting the world to become a scorched, post-apocolyptic wasteland because of irreversible global warming? He's an Eco-terrorist I tells ya!!

  16. Generation[redacted]

    Matt Varilek: got a world class education, traveled.

    Kristi Noem: made sammiches

    Which vision of America do YOU want for your children????

      1. CindynEncinitas

        A corn dog is nothing more than a circular baloney sandwich. Except no mayo.
        Cuz only a Canadian would do that. Gross.

  17. Ruhe

    I think you're all reading too much into this. She's not saying that there's anything wrong with the fact that this guy traveled the world and learned all kinds of stuff and is sort of ambitious. It's just that that doesn't really fit in the Dakotas. Kristi never did anything really and that's what Dakotan's want more of.

    1. Negropolis

      The two are inextricably linked. She's saying both that he spent too little time in the state, and that that time was spent doing "liberal" things. You know, bettering yourself and your society through continued learning.

      Believme, had he spent the same amount of time out of state, but had been logging in the northern woods of Minnesota or driving cattle in Montana, we wouldn't be seeing this ad. It's just as much as what he was doing out of state as it was the fact that he was out of state.

    1. Generation[redacted]

      The guy who runs that carnival game where you can win a big teddy bear except the baskets are always just a little to small and the balls are way over-inflated?

  18. elviouslyqueer

    Okay, first "Matt Varilek traveled to ARAB ISLAM-INFESTED MARRAKESH MOROCCO," and then the graphic showed his plane "targeting" DC.

    My my my. Whatever could you be implying, Kristi Noem?

  19. James Michael Curley

    Kristi Noem can't even edit a decent PowerPoint slide and we are to believe in Congress she will be "HELPING TO BALANCE THE BOOKS AND" and what?


  20. GregComlish

    On a personal note, I don't like Corn Dogs or Jagermeister, but putting Jager is a fucking Luge sounds fucking epic. This guy sounds awesome.

  21. CthuNHu

    Theodore Roosevelt — shunned America and went gallivanting around Cuba, Brazil, Germany, Italy, Egypt, Kenya and Uganda like he's some kind of big shot.

    Boo Radley — stayed right here in Maycomb, Alabama.

    Who do you trust to represent you?

  22. James Michael Curley

    Note on Congressional elections.

    In 34 of 50 states there is a republican majority in the count of congress members.
    So, if or when, a tie in the electoral votes goes to Congress each state gets one vote and the ranking state congress member polls his state delegation and reports the results to the sitting President Pro Temp of the Senate (Joe Biden).
    So, it is likely that in the event of a tie in the electoral votes Mitt Romney will win.
    Right now there are eleven states where a flip of one Republican congress member to Democrat will change that majority to Democratic.
    Unfortunately, those ten states include several single representative states like Wyoming, North Dakota, South Dakota, Alaska where the likelihood of a Democratic win is very poor. So the count falls to four states.
    But an interesting situation since the numbers on re-election of congress members is very interesting. There are considered to be 21 toss up Congressional Districts and none of them are held by a Democratic incumbent.

    1. CindynEncinitas

      Probably one of those snobs who knows about integrated pest management and that chlorofluroucarbons concentrate in breast tissue.

  23. finette_

    I am from South Dakota and was studying (definitely not proselytizing) in FRAUNCE in 2001. I then went on to get TWO Master's degrees. I am soooo overqualified to represent SD in Congress.

  24. Fred_Wertham_Jr

    'Does Matt Varilek wear glasses, and if so, when will South Dakota gift him with the “re-education” he so obviously needs? '

    I haven't heard a good Pol Pot joke in ages. Thanks for the memories, Becca.

  25. Tequila Mockingbird

    Kristi Hoem didn't graduate college until this year, at the age of 40. Not that there's anything wrong with going back to school later in life, but everything about this woman's life screams insecurity about her underachievements.

    Edit: O HAI U GUYS, have you seen this? (from Ye Olde Wikipedia)

    From 1989 to 2010, Noem received 27 traffic citations, including 20 for speeding,[65] as well as several for stop sign and seat belt violations, and no driver's license. She also received failure to appear notices, and two arrest warrants were issued. Noem said, "I'm not proud of my driving record, but [I've] been working hard to be a better example to young kids and young drivers out there."[66] She had paid her fines and penalties by August 2010.

    1. PugglesRule

      At least she is running for Congress (or is that U.S. Senate? Ermagerd!) under her original name. Unlike the dude who's running for Congress in (Illinois? Help me out here) under a new last name and just happens to have a fairly long police record in his original last name. And of course, he's a Republican.

  26. Terry

    "Or this nice lady with the awesome hair …"

    Bleech. People should vote against her on the basis of those "chunky" highlights if nothing else.

  27. Antispandex

    Who do you want representing you, South Dakota?

    Awww, bless your little heart, Rebecca! Just the fact that you can ask is so cute! Look, it's a "red" state, so if you put "farmer" in front of ANYTHING, it's like an automatic to be number one in the hearts of the people! "Young farmer of the year"? Election's over.

  28. oenspiek

    Teabagger Noem has been ducking debates with Varilek all season, purrr-haps because he'd be pretty certain to beat her like a rented mule if they ever met in that format.

    Alas, avoidance strategy seems pretty likely to work for her this cycle.

  29. HouseOfTheBlueLights

    Has Kristi ever actually left South Dakota? I think Washington might be a little scary for her.

  30. BoroPrimorac

    I think she'll make a fine running mate for future GOP presidential candidate Dwayne Elizondo Camacho.

  31. Arishii

    If the financial sector wants to pull money out of America and invest it in developing economies like South Korea's, that's fine with me. Top down development can be very successful when conditions are right, so go for it. They could just say so though. Do they really have to hoodwink the naive with this sh*t and stir up troubles here? I guess that's their answer to averting any significant populous push-back.

  32. Poindexter718

    And what did Matt Varilek "learn" at his fancy foreign graduate school?
    * That man is causing the world to get warmer
    * That government creates jerbs
    * That government bureaucrats should make healthcare decisions
    * Make bullet points parallel

  33. AtwatersGhost

    Y'all can laugh — but I guarAntee she herself shot and stuffed that animal she wearin' on her head!

  34. BoatOfVelociraptors

    Made the Kessel Run in 12 parsecs
    Has been to more systems than most empire Star Destroyers
    Shot first
    Has excellent relations with the Wookies
    Completed first-hand research with carbonite thermal technology

    Bullseyed womprats with his T-16
    Is clueless about Sand People on his his home planet
    Is an orphan
    Cares more about power converters for his vaporator farm than galactic politics
    Has excellent relations with the Elderly locals

    Who do you want representing Tatooine?

  35. Pithaughn

    150 lbs of ice? I'll bet that cost at least 20 bucks, way to go with the wasteful spending you pinko democrat!!

  36. Pithaughn

    Just figured it out, she looks like Betty Bowers with her hair in a loose bun, ala that quitter from Alaska.

  37. Negropolis

    You know what I learned from this ad? Matt Varilek is truly the Most Interesting Man in the World.

    Stay hungry (for corndogs), my friends.

  38. ttommyunger

    Finding out about the illegal Messicans employed by her at her Beanery in three…..two……..

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