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Live-Blogging The Final Ohio Senate Debate: We Just Can’t Get Enough Of Smurfy Boy Scout Josh Mandel

He's telling!Sorry, sorry, we are 10 minutes late, we had to … well, we didn’t have to do anything actually, except convince ourselves to actually turn on THE SPAN and voluntarily face an hour with walking Clearasil ad/Ohio Treasurer Josh Mandel. Here we go!

7:14 PM — Oh good it is the surprisingly wee Chuck Todd. We introduced ourselves to him at the Buzzfeed party in Charlotte, and he immediately turned his back and looked for anyone else to talk to! Jim Newell says every person at every party is always like that when you’re a Wonket. SADFACE. Josh Mandel is promising only two terms or something, because by then he will be old enough to be the FIRST TEENAGE PRESIDENT! Go Josh!

7:19 PM — Josh Mandel is talking about reforming tax rates for small business. We saw a fun story today, which we guess we will write about tomorrow maybe, about yet another dude explaining to all his more than 340 employees that he would have to fire everybody if Obama won a second term. Did you know that he too was a “small businessman”? Oh, did we stop listening to Josh Mandel for a while there? Bummer.

7:23 PM — So Josh Mandel has calmed down a lot, huh? He’s not GRANDLY ORATING for his debate club, all “you sir and your scalawag cohort have wrought havoc on our fair sistren and wives!” or whatever.

7:25 PM — Again with the $716 billion lie. Oooh, and Chuck Todd with the point of personal privilege: what does it actually mean to save Medicare like you claim, Josh Mandel? Oh, you know, just by the same way every other Republican will save it, by “adjustments” for toddlers. Not for Baby Boomers or seniors, but people Mandel’s age (14) or possibly older. We must burn the village to save it, OBVS.

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7:27 PM — Sherrod Brown wouldn’t raise the retirement age or cut benefits, but might raise the tax cap. Chuck Todd is all okay, cool. Mandel: Senator Brown, what did you do with all the money in the Social Security Trust Fund? Did you blow it on hookers? Did you buy a bitchen Camaro? WHY HAVE YOU STOLEN ALL OF SOCIAL SECURITY, SHERROD BROWN? “Where did that money go. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT?” (Actual quote for real this time.) Chuck Todd is pretty much just laughing now. He’s all, yeah, okay, next question.

7:33 PM — We are aware that many of you ladies are super gay for Sherrod Brown (second only to how queer you are for Martin O’Malley). But he does not marshal his thoughts so great-like in a debate format and is a bit of a word salader and so on and also too.

7:35 PM — Which of our beloved Wonkers first called Mandel the mortician’s apprentice? We would like to give credit where it is due except for how we never do that.

7:36 PM — OF COURSE his model justice is Antonin Scalia. There is no possible other answer. But Democrats always so disgustingly, and with such partisanship, try to nominate outlandishly, OUTRAGEOUSLY moderate liberals. BOOO.

7:38 PM — OK, pretty lady in green. You are pretty. And your voice is well-modulated! But “someone said the word ‘liar’ and so how would you be bipartisan” is SHUT THE FUCK UP. Hang on, gotta rewind Mandel’s answer, to diagram it, for you.

7:40 PM — Mandel: FIRST, I would find common ground with the other side by stopping foreign aid to countries that harbor terrorists, even though Senator Brown and I don’t agree, but I heard there was like one Democrat out there that I could work with on it or something. Sherrod Brown voted to give a billion dollars to Pakistan, before Pakistan fucked us on Bin Laden. He also gives billions of dollars to Libya, where the government murdered our ambassador. Egypt is a terrorist and Muslim Brotherhood and they persecute Christians, and all through the Middle East women are treated like shit. So Brown probably did that too. “In a vacuum, this would be wrong. But we also have a $16 trillion debt.” Sherrod Brown hates America, QED. “And I will work across party lines with Democrats to keep your tax dollars from going to countries that harbor terrorists.” SECOND. Energy exploration. I would be bipartisan with Joe Manchin of West Virginia on burning more coal. Sherrod Brown wants Eastern Ohio miners to starve.

BEST. BIPARTISAN. EVER.

7:46 PM — Sherrod Brown: Ramble ramble John Thune farm bill got it amended into the farm bill it can be the China currency bill it can be the bus safety bill Kay Bailey Hutchinson ramble.

7:47 PM — Mandel: “That is Washington-speak.” In what respect, Charlie? Just because he said words? What exactly does “Washington-speak” even mean? (Nothing, apparently. It means nothing.) New questioner: Sherrod Brown, why are you and Democrats to blame for everything since you hold the Senate? Brown: ramble ramble trailed off word-phrase budget.

7:49 PM — We honestly can’t listen to Sherrod Brown. Good as he may be, it is impossible to follow along as he starts and stops and fumphers and so on. Josh Mandel: Kitchen tables, family finances, nonsense talking point “career politicians in Washington.” He is relentless. “Do you have a ‘Budget Control Act’ around your kitchen table?” Ohioans pick up their pitchforks to murder Sherrod Brown, probably.

7:56 PM — When Josh Mandel goes to Washington, he will not speak. He will mime all his votes.

7:58 PM — Chuck Todd: Sherrod Brown, would you or would you not fellate the corpses of Simpson and Bowles? (Drink Drano.)

7:59 PM — Oh my god, this green lady again. “You attacked Mike DeWine for voting with George W. Bush 95 percent of the time, but you have voted with Barack Nobummer 96 percent of the time! GOTCHA!” It is like GWB and BHO are equally the most terrible president in history, no?

8:01 PM — Oh, and Sherrod Brown actually says some sentences that make sense. Josh Mandel, who so bipartisanly tried to keep grandkids in Ohio for all the bubbies, voted with the Ohio GOP 96 percent of the time — except when the payday lenders gave him a “better offer.” Concise, to the point, we could follow it … what has happened to Sherrod Brown?

8:02 PM — Josh Mandel now lying about having an exemption to jailing ladies for bortions if the “life of the mother” is threatened. Not according to his Right to Life League questionnaires. But more importantly, Senator Brown why do you support 9-month bortions? Brown: because I trust Ohio women to make their own decisions, peckerwoods. Mandel: nah mang, let’s all be bipartisan, by outlawing Roe v. Wade!

8:06 PM — The Bipartisan Wonder will totes work with BHO on moving the Ohio economy forward, except for if it’s an auto bailout, cause fuck them.

8:07 PM — That kid’s granddad was “liberated,” from a camp or something? Is Mandel a member of the tribe? Oy, a shanda for the Jews.

8:09 PM — The Bipartisan Wonder whose favoritest justice is Scalia will not be working for the GOP! But how will he be the greatest fighter IF HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO SPEAK???

Also, that was really bizarre how he thanked Brown’s wife. For what? Not being one of those singleton whores? We imagine it was a true attempt at graciousness, but why are you thanking other people’s wives whom you presumably have never met? Oh, HELPMEETS. How you allow us to go on and conquer, for America, by greeting us with meatloafs and reluctant head!

8:12 PM — OK, so after Sherrod Brown was like “I’m sure your wife is nice too? I’ve never met her? Grandkids ramble bubbies words?” we stopped listening. GOOD NIGHT OHIO!

(Sherrod Brown plus four.)

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About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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157 comments

    1. fartknocker

      In a year he will invite you to his house, tell you he is an exceptional businessman, and sell you some Amway soap, DVDs and cassettes. According to my Meriam/Webster, his picture matches Piece of Shit.

      1. Barbara_

        Fart, can I call you Fart? I saw a TV commercial for Amway and their sales claims boggled my mind. I honestly do not know anyone who buys Amway products.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Don't shake your head, just drive your (hopefully large and powerful) car across more Republican lawns. Pedal to the metal.

      As your Doctor, I'm prescribing this as a non-chemical therapy for treatment of your sore neck.

    1. Lascauxcaveman

      Are you crazy? The (R) after his name means he cannot be trusted with his own allowance, much less the funds of the entire 6th grade.

    1. Negropolis

      Goodness gracious! You mean the negro and the robot are contesting the Buckeye state? My, how things have changed!

      [/sarcasm] lol

  1. PsycWench

    "he will be old enough to be the FIRST TEENAGE PRESIDENT! Go Josh!" Hey that might work if he can convince everyone to count his age in dog years.

  2. tracyhasfun

    Boy, were they desperate this year in Ohio. You only ask your young cousin to go to the dance with you when THERE IS NO OTHER CHOICE!

  3. Terry

    "We introduced ourselves to him at the Buzzfeed party in Charlotte, and he immediately turned his back and looked for anyone else to talk to! Jim Newell says every person at every party is always like that when you’re a Wonket. SADFACE."

    Rebecca, I am willing to bet you real money that Joe Biden wouldn't turn his back on you.

    1. PsycWench

      Joe might slip you a business card, even. He does seem like a guy that you'd enjoy having a beer with.

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Rebecca, next time you see Chuck Todd, open with "Did you see what Drudge just posted?" His eyes will light up like a Xmas tree. Then say "psyche"!!!

  4. PubOption

    340 employees does count as a small business in most fields. SBA counts up to 500 employees as a small business, 1000 employees where lobbyists have been generous.

      1. Lot_49

        Different rule for different kinds of bidnesses. In service biz it's $7.5m/yr in revenue, or maybe more, they just changed the rules..

  5. OkieDokieDog

    He reminds me of a cuter (snort! ha, not really) Jewish version of boy "journalist" James "Dildo" O'Keefe.

    1. pdiddycornchips

      Obvs I am in the tank for Brown but comparing Josh to that POS O'Keefe is not right. While JOK was shopping for pimp clothes, Josh was dodging IED's in Iraq, Glad he made it home safe and sound and I hope he loses.

  6. coolhandnuke

    Wasn't Mandel on the Wonder Years, the episode where Winnie Cooper is roofied, sodomized and sold to the Sultan of Brunei? Mandel was quite convincing in that rapey role.

  7. OldWhiteLies

    There is simply no way I could listen to this guy in person talk about anything of substance. All I can see is an 8yo in his skinny uncles's suit; tripping over the extra foot of leg.

    He'd say sumptin like: "…but we have to stop borrowing money to…"
    And I'd say: " …so how the fuck old are you again?"

    Bet he gets it all the time. It prolly burns him up too. Be an easy way to hang him up in a debate, methinks.

  8. Lot_49

    People who indicate the number three by holding up their third, fourth and fifth fingers fingers are evil, at least in this

    1. weejee

      He shoulda held up his Johnny Cash with the right and hook 'em horns (which means something else in the other 49 estados) with the left.

  9. rocktonsam

    this Josh looks like that kid who couldn't get my paper on the stoop, is he a young gun or something?

  10. Lot_49

    Why the heck does Chuckles keep addressing him as "Treasurer Mandel"? Is that a hereditary title in Ohio?

  11. ProgressiveInga

    Hey, the Iowa debate is on and being held at a winery. Which one of you lushes arranged that?

  12. BaldarTFlagass

    "We introduced ourselves to him at the Buzzfeed party in Charlotte, and he immediately turned his back and looked for anyone else to talk to! "

    Maybe Chuck is uncomfortable around women.

  13. snowpointsecret

    So I started not feeling well and took a nap and woke up and realized "I missed the third debate." Reading the liveblog I'm thinking I just missed more of the first two, really…

    Yes, this is really what we have to deal with in Ohio. On every commercial break.

  14. Jukesgrrl

    Ms. Editrix, Just for the record, I prefer sexy voices to flat abs, so Sherrod Brown is my faptastic senator of choice. Martin O'Malley is nothing to sneeze at, but out of respect for Limey Lizzie, I leave him alone.

  15. Limeylizzie

    I am one of those people that are totally hot for raspy-voiced, rumpled, dog-faced Sherrod Brown.

  16. BadKitty904

    OT (incredibly so): This just in from the Vatican – Three thousand knights of the Equestrian Order of the Holy Sepulchre of Jerusalem will make a pilgrimage to Rome in 2013 for the Year of Faith.

    The Grand Magisterium of the Order held its autumnal session in Rome yesterday evening, under the presidency of Cardinal Edwin Frederick O'Brien, grand master of the Order. His Beatitude Fouad Twal, patriarch of Jerusalem of the Latins and grand prior of the Order, also addressed the assembly.
    http://www.news.va/en/news/pilgrimage-to-rome-for-the-ye...

    1. BadKitty904

      Presumably, the Knights will then march on Jerusalem, to free it from the hands of the Saracens…

    1. DemmeFatale

      The Jewish Repubs I know are major twerps and fund raise for Allen West(!).
      Their hatred (fear) of Muslims is only out-weighed by the fact that they don't give a shit about anyone but themselves.
      (And that the Mom is a 1950's-style doormat.)

      1. iamrrm

        That has way less to do with the being Jewish than it does with the whole horrible being Republican thing.

        1. DemmeFatale

          I would agree, except for their irrational hatred and fear of Muslims, and I didn't mention their feeling that Israel is ALWAYS in the right, and should never be questioned. (Especially with Bibi in charge.) I should have mentioned that the rest of the family is very compassionate, questions authority, and is shocked by these Repub inhumane and retro beliefs.

  17. StillGoinGreen

    Fuck Josh Mandel… and fuck Chuck Todd… and FUCK THAT COCKSUCKER in the Lexus who cut me off during my commute today!!1!!!11! If I hadn't sworn a vow to my wife to keep my shitty jerb, I would have rammed him with my company vehicle right in his FUCKING "Had Enough?" bumper sticker!

    *grabs another beer*

    1. Biff

      I think the worse (Worst? Worser?) event tonight would've been the rMoney/Beckapalooza, wherever that was held.

  18. ttommyunger

    He looks especially pleased with himself in this pix. I'm guessing he made a poopy in the potty all by himself.

  19. Diabeetis

    He looks like more of an ass-kicking waiting to happen than Ben Shapiro does. I didn't know that was possible.

  20. Negropolis

    Mandel looks like some kind of claymation creation, like something straight out of Gumby, right down to the play-doh hair cut.

  21. Negropolis

    Oh, Rebecca. I just got around to reading the alt text. Instant classic. I'm laughing my ass off.

    BTW, I so wish Debbie Stabenow was running against this guy instread of Pete Hoekstra. She would have put this snot-nosed punk in the corner and given him multiple times out.

  22. Pat_Pending

    No, I didn't watch any of that shit (too busy with my World Series chores), but that Josh creature… Did someone that young REALLY need THAT MUCH Botox????

  23. Come here a minute

    When John Sununu has somebody of his own race that he's proud of being president of the United States, every one before Barack Obama, he needs no other reason to support Mitt Romney.

    1. Negropolis

      Bless his heart. John Sununu – son of two brown immigrants – thinks he white. Sorry, John, but you'll always be a character right out of a Dr. Seuss book, to me.

  24. jamsie25

    It's funny how when I gaze at young Josh's manly face it does the same thing to my libido and gay man parts as seeing a pic of little Ricky Santorum: both try to crawl up and hide behind my spleen.

  25. Negropolis

    I saw a clip of this on the morning shows, and for however haggard Brown perpetually looks, Mandel has the grim pallor of death about him. I mean, you could practically smell the formaldehyde through the camera. **shivers**

  26. BeefHardcake

    Mandel's looks like the face that would be peering into your bedroom from across the street with binoculars.

  27. TribecaMike

    "I would find common ground with the other side by stopping foreign aid to countries that harbor terrorists…" Hasn't that been State Department policy since Harry Truman gave Phyllis Schlafly a ride on the puddin' train?

Comments are closed.