first against the wall

A List Of People Who Should Not Be Tried For Treason

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freedom and stuffToday we learned that all reporters including Jerome Corsi should be executed for treason in honor of Free Speech Week, because Orwell. This led to discussion in the secret Wonket chatcave about trying for treason those who made the pickles on McDonald’s anusburgers too bland, but then we realized it would be much easier and quicker to determine those who should not be tried for treason, because we are lazy and it’s ever so much shorter. Presented for your edification and terror, the Compleat Liste of Those Who Maye Live.

  • Ann Coulter
  • Frank Luntz
  • Gallagher
  • Donald Trump
  • Neil Bush
  • Antonin Scalia
  • Clint Eastwood, duh
  • Stacey Dash
  • Andrew Breitbart’s corpse
  • The poor Republican chair that was forced against its will to stand in for the Kenyan Usurper Sorry, but that chair should be totally lynched
  • Whoever invented mayonnaise
  • Janeane Turner
  • Whoever it was who elbowed Obama in the face during basketball
  • Martin Luther King, who was a Republican and who would totally agree with Grover Norquist now
  • Ronald Reagan’s corpse, but not Ronald Reagan’s actual record, which shall be put to sleep in a respectful ceremony
  • Every rape baby
  • Megyn Kelly
  • Charles krathammer, who will be elevated on a golden wheelchair.

Everyone else, please report for your firing squad, because Freedom.

The end.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Oblios_Cap

    I'd like to be allowed to live, as well. But not alongside that listing.

    • PsycWench

      Wonketters should get their own pleasure island.

      • PuckStopsHere

        Wonketters should get their own Abortionplex.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Duh, you can't have one without the other.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I'm totes up wid dat.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Yeah, If that group lives, kill me now.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    Any Black Republican should not be executed.

    • noodlesalad

      So you're saying, keep the list as is, basically?

    • Lot_49

      Nor women who vote for Romney.

    • sbj1964

      Black republicans are a evolutionary dead end to start with,let nature take it's course.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Except for Allen West, Michael Steele, that Keynes dude (because he's a child-abuser, the bastard), and a John Doe to be named as soon as I remember the fucker's name.

    • glamourdammerung

      Any Black Republican should not be executed.

      Both of them?

    • Serolf_Divad

      Well.. not as long as they're needed. Once the Voting Rights Act is fully repealed… fuck 'em.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Mormon Bishops

    • nounverb911

      Joey Bishop?

      • Lot_49

        No, he was what the Mormons call a "gentile."

        Doesn't make sense, but not much they believe does.

  • MissTaken

    Poor Rafalca!

    • nounverb911

      And the Mitt she rode in on?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Rafalca has more class than to do Mitt, dood.

    • rickmaci

      Glue libel!!

  • nounverb911

    Sarah Palin does not approve of that list.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Not enough shuck and jive?

    • http://kittenbomb.wordpress.com kittenbomb

      Sarah Palin should not be tried for REASON. Oh man, just one letter short.

      • widestanceromance

        "T" explained at last!

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    James O'Keefe

    • HogeyeGrex

      Well, it does say "Andrew Breitbart’s corpse", and since the anus is presumably still attached, Imma say close enough.

  • Doktor Zoom

    If Stacey Dash is allowed to live, then I think Rainbow Dash gets a bye, too.

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      What about Mrs. Dash?

      • nounverb911

        Too spicy?

      • elviouslyqueer
        • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

          Still not as cool as Bolt Upright.

          • Negropolis

            But, cooler than Usain Bolt, right?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            NObody is cooler than Usain Bolt. NOBODY.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      As a tomboy who wears a rainbow, I'm pretty sure Rainbow Dash was actually executed three posts ago. (Dear god how do I know this much about that show)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I don't even have the first clue what y'all are talking about.

        Makes me homesick.

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

          Did someone say homestuck?

          No? Dang, never mind then.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            That was simply horrible.

            Was it YOU that came up with "Weedlord Bonerhitler"?

    • Biff

      Oh hi. What's up, my Brony?

  • hagajim

    We want these people to live so they can see what they have wrought? And if that's the case where are the snowbilly and BillO.

  • http://wonkette.com ChurchofRealism

    But not Gallagher II, interesting…

    • BornInATrailer

      ..yet completely expected.

  • snowpointsecret

    Todd Akin.

  • HRH_Maddie

    I'm glad Snowbilly didn't make the list of those who maye live. I'll assume this was not an oversight.

  • nounverb911

    Can we execute Trump's hair though?

    • noodlesalad

      What is dead can never die!

    • Callyson

      Hard to execute something that is indestructible.

      • glasspusher

        Ultron?

    • rickmaci

      Waste of effort. He would just drive up to the next road kill.

  • Callyson

    Hey, that list left out Limpballs! Does that mean we get to execute him?

    (Yeah yeah, with crappy ratings…)

  • elviouslyqueer

    George Will, Hannity, and Mallard Fillmore are going to be mighty pissed that they didn't make the cut. Oh, and you can expect a pissy tweet from Frieda Frozentwat any second now, also, too, as well.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      "Frieda Frozentwat"

      You intended for me to snortle, right? Mission Accomplished.

    • emmelemm

      Yeah, have you busted out Frieda Frozentwat before? Because that's awesome.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Well, I dropped "Frosty Fuckbucket" in an earlier post, but "Frieda Frozentwat" just seemed more lyrical and shit.

        • emmelemm

          But Frieda Frozentwat suggests the feminine. And is more lyrical.

          • elviouslyqueer

            And shit.

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            It's friggin poetry.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Awwwwww! *group hug!*

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            HEY! Lemme in there.

          • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

            Also, too. As they used to say on The CBS Culture Hour, "SAAAAAA– LUTE!"

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I'll say. I'm keeping both.

  • asterixaverni

    I object to "Whoever invented mayonnaise" because they're French.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Aioli was actually invented by the Italians and then turned into industrial sludge by Americans.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      What if they are Belgian?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        They *could* be Belgian, if they *wanted.* Although, according to the French, *nobody WANTS* to be Belgian.

        • Negropolis

          Truly, Belgium is the Quebec of Western Europe.

          Wait, wha?!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (scratches head slowly)
            (stops chewing on straw)

            Huh?

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't mind getting executed, as long as I get a nice comfy chair like that guy in the picture.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I was just thinking, that is SO civilized. Back when they were executing folks in the old homeland, in the bad old days, of course, they NEVER offered you a seat. Shit, you were lucky if they did it quick with a bullet.

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      oh… thank you I think? for making me feel slightly less nauseated looking at that pic… replacing queasiness with guilt, a mild dose, for laughing at your remark~

  • noodlesalad

    I love that Limbaugh's not on the list. Shouldn't have had Elton officiate that last wedding, libtard.

    Charlie Heston's cold dead hands should be exempt, though.

  • Doktor Zoom

    I really liked those pickles.

    • MissTaken

      They stick on windows well.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I *was* going to ask how you knew this, and then I remembered Frank Zappa's "Sleeping In A Jar."

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      Those aren't pickles. They're just round, sour green things.

      • HogeyeGrex

        K-Lo?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          She's not … GREEN anywhere that I can see.

      • calliecallie

        soylent green things

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      They are really great for putting on your closed eyes and letting the acid eat through your retinas.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Nope. Nope. Don't want to know about this one either.

    • Barrelhse

      Dubya used to eat Pickles. Until he discovered Rice.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Rice is a lot easier on the stomach, I'll say that.

    • Negropolis

      These things are pickle-like or picklesque.

  • HRH_Maddie

    Good thing Breitbart is still dead otherwise he'd definitely not be tried for treason and still be allowed to live.

  • MissTaken

    Whoever invented mayonnaise

    Miracle Whip sleeps with the fishes.

    • SorosBot

      Ugh that shit is so disgusting.

      • asterixaverni

        They're both disgusting.

        Is Miracle Whip French too?

        • OneDollarJuana

          But I love mayo! Without mayo there would be no BLT's, no tartar sauce for my fries, no 1000 Island dressing, no juicy burgers.

      • MissTaken

        Yup, it's the juice of Satan.

      • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        So much for that relationship.

        • emmelemm

          Quit being a troublemaker.

          • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

            The Mayonnaise, Miracle Whip divide has been the end of many a relationship, that is all I"m saying.

    • Doktor Zoom

      It's not the fishes that'll get ya. It's the sea lice. (Via C_R_Eature in Wonkville)

      • MissTaken

        Icky!

        "We have had a lot of disarticulated feet wash up on our shores in running shoes," says Anderson.

        Yay Wonkville?

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Is it disarticulated feet season again? Damn, where does the time go?

          • Doktor Zoom

            My feet have never been especially articulated, as my ex's bruised shins can attest.

          • bobbert

            I like my feet clean and articulated.

        • PennyDreadful

          I'm wondering how many disarticulated feet in running shoes constitute "a lot".

      • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

        Sea lice – it's what's for dinner (with a side of hobo beans).

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        And he mocks ME for cannibalism. Er … purported cannibalism, that is.

  • IncenseDebate

    Miffed Romney's personal hair gel gal or dude.

    • PsycWench

      But Donald Trump's hair person is as a good as dead.

    • Cleopatriot

      And the guy who sprays his tan on for him.

  • sudsmckenzie

    Say, you know who Else made list's?

    • snowpointsecret

      Schindler?

    • chicken_thief

      Santa?

    • Disassembly

      Santa? (edit: Looks like I stole from chicken_thief.)

    • elviouslyqueer
    • rickmaci

      Nixon? Craig. (Edited in deference to Commiegirl99 because I like the way she thinks.)

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Dammit!

      • commiegirl99

        Oh you shouldn't have edited for me! You beat me fair and square! (and just right)

        • rickmaci

          My Dad taught me two important lessons when I was a kid. One was that it was better to play nice with girls than to always be trying to make them cry. I didn't really understand what he meant until I was about 14 and then it all fell into place. Of course, my Dad was a diehard Democrat too.

    • commiegirl99

      Nixon

      • BaldarTFlagass

        I see everything twice!

        • Lot_49

          That's some catch…

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Double dammit!

    • chicken_thief

      That OCD asshole in HR?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Every company's got one, don't it?

    • gullywompr

      If it pleases and sparkles, I move to have this question reopened.

    • bikerlaureate

      Marie d'Agoult and Franz Liszt?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Hmm, let's see.

      Joe McCarthy
      Alan West
      Glenn Beck

    • rickmaci

      Well my friend, I was going to suggest Yellow Pages but that is a corporation and it seems like you meant people. Oh wait….

      • miss_grundy

        How could you forget that corporations are people too, my friend….

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      D'nesh D'Souza?

    • rocktonsam

      Esquire magazine?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      EMILY?

      • rickmaci

        Angie?

        • sullivanst

          Craig?

          • elviouslyqueer

            Mom?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Post?

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      Obama?

      Oh, that's a "matrix." Sorry.

    • pinkocommi

      David Letterman's writers. And they only count up to 10.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Top 5 Reasons that Buzzfeed is the Correct Answer.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Duh, Nixon.

    • tessiee

      Franz Liszt?

  • Barbara_

    I'll take the cigarette and blindfold and pass on the bullets, please.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Even Light or Menthol bullets, Barb?

  • http://www.themindisaterriblething.com skmind

    Don't look now, but Dick Morris did not make the cut. Neither did D'inesh D'souza.

    • elviouslyqueer

      D'arn the luck.

  • Yellerdawg

    Well, I had plans for tomorrow, but what the hell…which wall should I stand against?

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Grace Slick appreciates your cooperation.

      • LibertyLover

        As does Roger Waters.

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    Glenn Beck. But he should be exiled to Beckistan.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Becki-becki-beckistan?

    • Negropolis

      How can you exile someone to a person they never left? Hengh?!

  • chicken_thief

    What about the good folks at Westboro Baptist?

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Null set.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Who would that be, exactly? I understand there's a tremendous dearth of good around the place.

  • rickmaci

    I am here to beg mercy for Michelle "Anchor Baby" Malkin.

  • chicken_thief

    Xtine O'Donnell? Save the forests!!!

  • Detesticle

    Ronald Wilson Reagan = 666 … six letters in each name, the sign of El Diablo, so he is not dead. He is merely waiting for Harry Potter to revive his noseless face via horcrux diary.

  • Blueb4sinrise
  • Beach_Bubba_Tex

    Is there a dress code or should I just arrive "business casual"?

    Also, do they mind what I smoke before they shoot?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      chaps.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I'm sorry, but smoking is not allowed. Habit-forming. I'm sure you understand.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        It is a little known fact that many people who smoke at their execution, do, indeed die.

    • Barrelhse

      No Bolo Ties is the only restriction.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Hmmph. More of a fan of the smoking after the shooting.

    • Negropolis

      Depends on where it's held. If it's on Wall Street, yes and yes.

      I say we do it offshore in international waters so we can have some real fun.

  • Weenus299

    They should be made to live together in a prefab apartment complex in South Dakota, unguarded, because whatever.

  • gullywompr

    Undecided voters at dawn.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Good to see that most of the FAUXbots are going to die. (Doocy, Carlson, not-Doocy, Bolling, Varney, etc.)

    P.S. Not to mention that worthless little shit, Chris Wallace.
    ~

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    How did the cast of FOX and Friends not make the cut? Or does not-Doocy wake up in the middle of the night screaming "the rich should pay more taxes"?

  • cognachas4paws

    Do we bring our own cigarette or will one be provided?

    • rickmaci

      No smoking. Those things will kill you. And the second hand smoke is dangerous for the firing squad.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I just quit, a year ago, and you're making me want a cigarette SO BAD.

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Sounds more like the first class seating list for a rocket headed towards the sun.

    • tessiee

      That was a Simpsons Halloween episode, and a good one, too.

      Then again, their Halloween episodes tend to be slightly better, and a lot darker, than the others.

  • SorosBot

    No W?

    • Disassembly

      You must have been left off that email from HQ. W never was, never is and never will be.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Who?

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      Naw, their hotels suck.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        True story. Stayed at the New Orleans W with some friends. At probably precisely 2 AM (I don't know, I was fucking asleep) the dude in the next room starts wailing on his GF. When I called the front desk during the ruckus at 0200, the smarmy/superior front desk guy says "Are you enjoying your W experience, Mr. Wonderin?"

        Fuck that!

  • pdiddycornchips

    Hey 'Becca, are you granting any last requests? Because I have one.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    I don't like this game.

    • http://mbouffant.blogspot.com M. Bouffant

      It's not a game.

  • Disassembly

    You really should let Ellen DeGeneres live. I know, I know…but she's really funny and my mom likes her show.

    • BadKitty904

      Plus she's cute.

  • sullivanst

    What about Mr. Screamy from the NYSE Trading Floor, whatsisname, inventor of the Tea Party?

    I thought the chair had already been lynched.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Rick Santelli

    • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

      Lynched? I say it deserves the chair!

      • Doktor Zoom

        Sorry, in addition to executing all liberals, they're also banning all Meta.

        • sullivanst

          In other news, Ron Artest just announced he is reverting to his original name.

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          If they're going to ban it, what's a meta for?

          • Doktor Zoom

            Puns are right out, too. It will be a very angry time.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Puns?

            *clutching chest*

            But….but….but…how will I make my living?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Well, I'm fawked.

  • sullivanst

    Needz moar cakes we like.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      And cedar cheese.

  • Biff

    Wait–this is satire, right?

    Almost had me, there.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      You just keep believing that, Biff.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Can I get a deferral? I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

  • rickmaci

    Well at least this will finally put an end to Sarah Palin's incessant mindless yammering .

    • BaldarTFlagass

      I doubt it.

  • bikerlaureate

    Looks like a decent start to a list of legislators for the New Confederate States of Amercia.

  • Indiepalin

    Chet Morton

  • kyeshinka

    Santa. Had to replace the carpet after last Christmas eve's all-night bonkfest with Prancer in the den.

  • MacRaith

    Is it a coincidence that the ad I'm seeing at the top of the page is for "3 Early Signs of Dementia"? I think not!

  • cognachas4paws

    My comment was deleted for some unknown reason and I had an important question. Let me try again – who will be doing the executing? Someone who knows what they're doing and doesn't just play at a range somewhere? I ask because I'm a delicate little thing and I don't want to suffer.

    • sullivanst

      Did you ask who was going to pull the tr1gger? Because whereas Your Wonket will let you say every word on George Carlin's list as much as you want, tr1gger is streng verboten.

      • cognachas4paws

        Oh, I did use that word. Oops.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          To get around this you can type it in reverse. Reggirt or Girt. I got nothing.

          • sullivanst

            A very small of users are special and can type forbidden words. The rest of us mortals can use obvious typos, numbers in place of letters, or if we want to look like we're fancy like Chet, unicode characters from the Cyrillic range (which has letters that render the same as a, c, e, i, o and y, but which IntentDebased is not smart enough to spot). That's a lot of hassle for a little word, though ;)

            The other known banhammer word is rеtard.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Haha, Mortals! Trigger retard your damned shoes!

          • LibertyLover

            *shakes fist at Chet*

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Damn BOTH of you!

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

            I also was getting modded for describing the way that God gave us the gift that is Richard Mourdock, which made me kinda sad.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ha. You were discussing the toilet habits of the deity.

          • LibertyLover

            and shoe s (no space)

          • sullivanst

            Isn't that more of a banmallet word? I thought that one sent you into eternal limbo rather than straight to hell…

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            What the hell are you talking about? My prefs say Western (Mac OS Roman) encoding, like any decent American.

          • sullivanst

            Yeah, but people who aren't you have to either have the words look different, or fire up charmap (unless they have freaky memories for unicode codepoints, or a handy cribsheet to cut'n'paste from)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Damn YOU!

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        For some strange reason "seohs" also seems to be illegal.

        • sullivanst

          Something to do with spam referring to search engine optimization?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yup.

      • JaceWyatt

        Dick Cheney. Prepare to suffer.

    • LibertyLover

      Just for you, you can be drawn and quartered. It is very quick, you won't feel a thing.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        No it isn't. People used to *specialize* in keeping the victims alive long enough for the executioner to pull out their liver and show it to them.

        I SO do not want to see my liver!

  • Biff

    No pickles other than Wickles for me, ever again.

    • BadKitty904

      Yeah, buddy!

  • Antispandex

    Um, Honey Boo Boo's mamma, and everyone who looks and acts like her, and all of her married relations (Ok, which, I admit, maybe the same thing), and everyone who is all proud of being rednecky. Also. Especially if they used to be Governor of a far northern state, but are NOT racist.

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    Every rape baby? Surely some of them must be annoying in some way or other. I say only save the boys, and only if they agree to rape someone when they grow up, out of respect for their fathers.

  • Estproph

    I'm sure I saw this in a Star Trek episode.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I had to let this settle in, but yes, there was an episode where two warring planets computerized their casualties with predictive routines. Then the "dead" would be herded into vaporizing machines. And no, they didn't have Vick Vapor Rub in the machine.

      Was actually kind of scary to me. In that, a society could, over years, convince its populace to do almost anything.

      • Estproph

        I originally meant this comment as a glib joke. But thinking about it in the context you brought up – yes, it's quite scary. We have "journalistic" organs actually calling for people to be executed for treason because they disagree, and because they support the president. What the fuck is going on?!

    • Doktor Zoom

      That would be A Taste of Armageddon

      Today, we are all Eminiar-ians.

  • rickmaci

    Could we possibly save the C Cupp? After all Donald Trump, Neil Bush and Antonin Scalia will need to spread their seed to repopulate New Jeebuzzworld with the right kind of minds and Janeane Turner is really out to pasture and Stacy Dash would be wrong if you know what I mean and MAnn Coulter doesn't count and I don't think SMegman Kelly can handle it all by herself.

    • Lot_49

      Michelle Malkin's not good enough for you, huh?

      • rickmaci

        I kind of think she would be hard on a guy trying to work up an erection. IMHO.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Oh gawd, presented with this scenario I have to have photos of Marcus Bachmann to get it up.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Also, "one-drop rule." She will make not-AryanPURE baybeez.

  • widestanceromance

    If execution is inevitable, why not just lie back and enjoy it?

    • Lot_49

      God's will and all that…

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Sponsored by the Brooke Shields Lazyboy Collection?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    If we have to go up against the wall (mofo, obvs), then needz moar dirty hippies.

    • Lot_49

      Thanks for that. "Volunteers" is almost as good as "After Bathing at Baxter's."

      ♩♬Acid, incense and balloons…♪♫

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Yer welcome. Back in the fog, heard them do Volunteers as the crowd-called encore ending a concert.

        • Lot_49

          Electric Theater, Chicago, summer of '68. Terrible sound, couldn't understand a word. And get this: they had bubbles of colored liquid between transparencies on an overhead projector—far out, man!

          Opening act was Iron Butterfly…who knew a drum solo could go on for 15 minutes?

  • Beowoof

    If Rmoney is elected the firing squad sounds good. Do I have to pay for my own bullets.

    • rickmaci

      Austerity budget, people, austerity.

      • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

        Chairman Mao smiles.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Moocher.

    • BenGleck

      Gladly.

  • HempDogbane

    Up against the wall, redneck mother…

    • LibertyLover

      Jerry Jeff Libel!

  • LibrarianX

    Ned Flanders

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Well, it's been fun kids! See you in hell!

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Mayonnaise libel!

    • DCBloom

      Miracle Whip, OTOH

  • HogeyeGrex

    Big Bird

    • BadKitty904

      Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Need someone to put on your 'Do Not Kill' list? Why not Zoidberg?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    But my dogs get to live, right?

    • Steverino247

      Yes, but they'll be raised as Christians…

    • rickmaci

      And have to ride around in a kennel tied to the roof of a car next to Dead Breitbart.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Knowing dogs, they'll LOVE that. DeadBreitbard won't, and won't be whole for long, either.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I don't see Jesus on that list, but then again he never recited the Pledge of Allegiance, never stood for the national anthem, and probably didn't even watch the Super Bowl. And I know he wasn't a gun owner, so all that may explain it.

    • MissTaken

      And he didn't wear a flag pin.

      • BaldarTFlagass

        He did, but the flag said "SPQR."

        • Biff

          INRI LIBEL!

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I bet he could sport awesome pair of flag cufflinks.

        • GunToting[Redacted]

          True, but it would be a bitch shaking hands with Him.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Why, do you think your fingers would go through the hole in his hand, or what?

  • clecinosu

    Chuck Norris — and his cheapo exercise machine.

  • IceCreamEmpress

    Where is Our Lady of Noonington?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Stalking Jim Newell through a haze of gin and bitter, bitter tears, no doubt.

      • sullivanst

        Why am I not surprised to discover that Dame Peggington is sufficiently steeped in angostura to lachrymate it?

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Hahahahaha. Was it a butt of Malmsey he drowned in?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        You pick: (a) Great minds think alike; (b) Small minds seldom differ.

        I'm leaning towards (a), myself. Or a djinn & tonic.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Anyone who uses polysyllabic words is a traitor.

      • emmelemm

        Anyone who wears glasses is an intellect-CHOO-al, and shall be sent to a work camp immediately.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Ohgod. They *did* that, you know. In search of a *pure* society.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Chewing through the veins on her wrists in a bathtub full of gin.

  • prommie

    I do declare, we really are heading for a Hutu-Tutsi moment in this country, and if you think us Yurpeans is too civilized for such tacky African shenanigans, google up on the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre. These wingnuts are quite open about wanting liberals, and they do mean all liberals, anyone who doesn't drink the koolaid, dead, and they really should be taken more seriously (like, seriously enough to put them in the asylum or prison for outright threats). People like Coulter, calling for the killing of liberals just to put the fear in the rest of us, really now, no publisher in a sane society should continue to publish such a person. The far right and an amazing number of fucktarded followers would truly in a heartbeat fire up the ovens, synthesize the zyklon B, and do away with us, gladly without a qualm. Its a real thing, when one party uses apocalyptic scare rhetoric coupled with demonizing and dehumanizing their opponents to the point of literally flat out saying that killing democrats is justified and right, for the good of the country. Its quite some world we gots to live in huh? Its nearly three tequilas time.

    • Doktor Zoom

      Ok, but you see, you said "no publisher in a sane society should continue to publish such a person," so YOU are clearly the greater threat to freedom. So to preserve Liberty, you must be executed for trying to take away Wingers' right to call for your execution.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      [pushes shot glass over] Pour me one also too in addition.

    • sullivanst

      Why need we look up Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre, when the world's most infamous act of genocide was committed by a white Yurpeen, and a Northern white Yurpeen at that?

      ETA: I have on occasion made the observance that Radio Rwanda would certainly have been protected under the Brandenburg standard for First Amendment analysis, and these assholes are proving it near-daily now.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Dear Mr. Promzarelli,

      As keen observers of your commenting history, we at PBS have concluded that you are the man best suited in these times to carry on the legacy of the late Fred Rodgers, assuaging the anxieties of schoolchildren daily with your calm and reassuring presence. May we discuss a pilot?

    • HogeyeGrex
    • Negropolis

      I hope no one seriously thinks Yurpeans are "too civilized for such tacky African shenanigans." I mean, Europe was perpetually at war with itself and the rest of the world prior to WWII. They are no strangers to genocide.

  • notreelyhelping

    Gallagher is still alive?

  • mavenmaven

    The Palin who shall not be named, patron saint of Corsi!

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Isn't that an island somewhere out there where they grow soybeans and make bean curd cakes?

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Can we add SE Cupp? Those glasses really turn me on.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      I'll buy ya a pair of cheap black plastic frames.

  • miss_grundy

    My lord, Eddard Stark, of the House of Stark and Lord of Winterfell should never have been executed. But you can execute all the Republicans on your list and all of the Lannisters, except for Tyrion.

  • owhatever

    What's a nice Jewish girl doing writing a post like this? The who lives-who dies thingie is in the hands of his Popiness, the Rev. Fred Phelps and Franklin Graham and his wife, Lindsay. Tsk-tsk.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Are these Legitimate Executions, or Illegitimate Pardons, or what the fudge?! This double reverse psychology makes my brain hurt.

  • chascates

    Whoever came up with the advertising phrase 'New and improved!'.
    Roger Ailes
    Reality TV producers
    Gallagher (the comedian)

    • Mittaplasia

      The Romney campaign; every single DAY!

    • Biff
      • chascates

        I meant the watermelon smashing smuck but that gold-selling 'tard should get it as well.

  • hollyrocks209

    Stacey Dash?!?! But then I see that not only did she vouch for Romney, she's been married three times. All the best family-values Republicans have been married at least that many times!

    • finallyhappy

      Stacy probably doesn't even know who ROMNEY is but was told saying she was voting for him would give her non existent career some publicity.

  • Slim_Pickins

    We should burn Ann Coulter as a witch, instead. And commit Krauthammer (sic) to an isolation ward in a mental hospital.

  • pinkocommi

    Of course, it doesn't matter whether or not we execute Dick Cheney because he has his deal with the devil that means he will never die.

    • LibertyLover

      He's a lifetime member of the heart of the month club…

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Careful, or Biely will put in an appearance and explain the details of that contract.

  • coolhandnuke

    Next week is Bank Appreciation Week. Can't wait to see who we spare in that Schwindler's List.

  • MinAgain

    If I'm entitled to a last cigarette, I'd like to have one made by those fine folks on Alpha Centauri Bb, please and thank you.

  • RomneysLogCabin

    Bristol Palin because fetuses can't self-abort.

    Joe the Plumber because tampons.

    Louis CK because Sarah Palin.

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    OT

    If you need a pick-me-up after your firing squad encounter, the statistical mavins at Horse's Ass give Bamz a 93% chance of beating Willard. That is nationwide, not just in Seattle.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (Hugs weejee) I am SO FUCKING JAZZED by this, Weej!

    • doloras

      Interesting. Their main difference with Nate Silver is they've got Virginny going blue. Nate Silver has Hopey at 72% and climbing slowly.

      • sullivanst

        Differences in methodology, too – Nate's model appears to factor in a lot more data/variables – and sorry, I just can't credit a 93% win chance, that's too aggressive based on the current state of polling.

        Nate does currently have VA a very pale shade of blue, though.

        • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

          I agree with you on this being overly optimistic. 270 to Win has backed-off their previous 90+ projection to 76% which is v. near Silvers late 10/25 projection of 73.1%. Regardless, these numbers cannot be comforting to Mittens.

          • sullivanst

            Yeah, I'm sure the Romney campaign are currently in a state of mostly trying to convince themselves they can replicate their late surges from ad blitzes in primary states. They can't, for three main reasons. First, their primary ad blitzes were overwhelmingly negative, and they worked because votes didn't really know Mitt's opponents – Newt was the only one who'd previously been nationally known, and even he'd spent a long time out of the spotlight; the President, on the other hand, is someone about whom people have already made up their minds. Second, Mitt had orders of magnitude more money than his opponents and was able to completely dominate the airwaves; Barack has lots of campaign money too and is able to come much closer to matching expenditures. Third, viewer fatigue – I'm a political junkie in NY and even I am sick of the political ads (fuck you very much, Linda McMahon); I'd hate to think what it's like in, say, Ohio – I suspect by now it's almost impossible to produce an ad that any significant number of people are going to pay attention to in swing states.

  • DahBoner

    every rape baby

    But where will all the future Republicans come from then?

  • Steverino247

    Again, if any of these turds start to refer to liberals as "cockroaches," I'm getting the fuck outta here.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    WTF is wrong with me, I read that first item as "Ann Cunter." And I am not one who uses the word "cunt" in anything but a friendly, leering, and complimentary manner.

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    OT: Alright you fucking miscreants and horrors of ignoramussery. Y'all have been Oldzing about GANGNAM STYLE so fucking much that this Olde Farte has decided to end the gum-flappery. This is it. PSY, GANGNAM style. Oppa do the right thing by you bros&hos.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0

    • BadKitty904
      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Who IS that little CUTIE?

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I think I'm in love.

        • BadKitty904

          Hey! No mackin' on my buds! ;0)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You know that little hottie? Mm-mmm!

            Too young for me anyway. (sniff!)

    • finallyhappy

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ICS4oPg75Tc
      This would beour guy- Ai Wei Wei- look for the handcuffs

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Wo men tou ai Ai Wei-wei.

        • BadKitty904

          Is that Oddjob?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            What's Oddjob?

            That means "We all love Ai Wei-wei." Ai in pudong hua means "love." We used to tease little girls by singing "Wo ai ni" when we were little.

          • BadKitty904

            Oddjob was Goldfinger's henchman in the Bond flick of the same name.

            Is that Mandarin?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ah. I have never seen the Bond flicks, as you term them.

            Pudong hua is the Northern Chinese dialect that came to be called "Mandarin" because it was spoken by the educated and governing classes. It was simplified and standardized after the Revolution. Although it is the official language, China has now begun attempting to preserve its many other languages and dialects.

          • tessiee

            Oddjob (the Bond villain) was a small, yet sinister, Asian gentleman who killed people by whipping his bowler hat at them.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ha! I sense a niche fan community for my efforts.

    • tessiee

      I'll see your gangnam style and raise you a deadpool style:
      http://cheezburger.com/41921025

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        OMG, that was fucking hilarious!

        So, um, you know the Church thinks that gays are given over to a reprobate mind, right? Of course you do.

    • tessiee

      Anybody like swing dancing?
      This always puts me in a good mood:
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rf55gHK48VQ&fe

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I like to watch.

    • Doktor Zoom

      You will be astonished to know that there are multiple…

      Pony-based

      versions.

      I regret NOTHING

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        I just want to say how much I abhor those awful twee little plastic horsey things.

        But thanks for sharing.

      • sullivanst

        I was hoping that last one would at least somehow involve Edith Piaf…

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    We CAN'T lynch whoever invented mayonnaise? WTF, BeccaLou! I withdraw my financial support of the Wonketz!

    (In the interest of accuracy, we note that MittBorg has NEVER financially supported the Wonketz.)

  • Mittaplasia

    Request postponement until November 7 just so I know if life would have been worth living or not. If not, please just sneak up on me and make it quick, ok?

  • decentcitizen

    We're gonna need more bullets.

    • BadKitty904

      A *LOT* more bullets. And/or bigger 'uns.

    • BaldarTFlagass

      Or votes.

      • BadKitty904

        A *LOT* more votes. And/or bigger 'uns.

  • ElPinche

    Feel free to use my raccoon traps and Wallenstein BX42S woodchipper. No need to go Fargo , it's all self-feeding.

  • BaldarTFlagass

    We're gonna need a smaller list.

  • Mittens Howell, III

    I don't have I.D.

    Does that make it a felony if I show up and ask them to shoot me?

  • Serolf_Divad

    Ummm… why didn't America's most respected opinion columnist, Chuck Norris, not make that list? And esteemed composer Theodore Von Nugent?

  • shelwood46

    I was going to say Dennis Miller, but then I remembered this story:

    When my great-grandfather was in his early 20s, he met my great-grandma and chose to leave the Methodist church to become a Catholic for her when they married. He went to mass every Sunday and Wednesday. He was a Deacon. He founded the local chapters of the Knights of Columbus and the St. Vincent DePaul Society and headed both for many years.

    Upon his death at 87, many prominent Catholic leaders showed up for his funeral, and the Archbishop spoke. As my mother and I left the funeral mass, we got stuck behind two local old ladies chatting. One said, in a loud, serious voice, "You know, he was a pretty good Catholic…. for a convert."

    So, sorry, Dennis, but you have to die.

    • LagunaB

      Sorry, but we always made fun of converts. They didn't understand that you actually were required to sin. At least the Irish Catholics.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        One of my ex-gfs says that's why it's so wonderful to be Catholic. You get to sin, and then share it, and it goes away, pouf! just like that.

    • tessiee

      I agree that Dennis Miller has to die, but I'm afraid I don't see the tie-in with your Grandpa.

      • shelwood46

        Miller was a liberal until 9/11. He's a Conservative convert, which isn't enough to make him pure.

  • Gleem McShineys

    What about Doctor Keith Ablow? He can be used to quickly find others for the firing squad, by judging how they respond to a few of his pronouncements.

    If they laugh, they die.

  • LibrarianX

    Ann Coulter's poor little penis. Obviously.

  • Gleem McShineys

    Isn't it ironic that these wingnuts are also the ones who say things like "I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY COUNTRY ANYMORE"

    And they don't mind the idea of a little fascisty housecleaning based on allegiance to a specific political party. Wonder what country they are thinking of.

    • tessiee

      The country that E.L. Doctorow described in "Ragtime" when he wrote: "There were no immigrants. There were no Negroes".

  • ttommyunger

    Jeezus K. Christ on a cracker, that must be the Polish Marksmanship Team…..think they're close enough?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    i really have nothing except this:
    http://www.theonion.com/articles/killing-wheelcha

  • yrbmegr

    Chuck Norris's momentum

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    also: time to watch 'once upon a time in mexico'!!

  • Negropolis

    Oh, I get it.

    "The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention. Now THAT is irony!" – Bender Rodriguez

  • Nowisallthereis

    What's wrong with maynaz? I like maynaze. And no, I don't dip my fries in maynaze like those cowards the Franch. I might dip sumthin else in it if you axed me real nice.

  • One_who_wanders

    They're gonna need more bullets.

  • slappy_maxwell

    Tucker Carlson's bow tie stays. He goes.
    A bow-tied Tucker would never have gone dancing on the teevees.
    The bow tie limited the flow of blood to his brain allowing him to just be a douche.
    Unrestricted flow, he becomes a soft, sad, pathetic, douche.

  • BeefHardcake

    I've seen hell and it's this list.

  • BenGleck

    Mayonnaise, okey. But, Miracle Whip has got to go!

  • HistoriCat

    That image is truly disturbing. I realize it's a shameful part of (some country's) historyand that we should never forget but it's just too much.