first against the wall

A List Of People Who Should Not Be Tried For Treason

freedom and stuffToday we learned that all reporters including Jerome Corsi should be executed for treason in honor of Free Speech Week, because Orwell. This led to discussion in the secret Wonket chatcave about trying for treason those who made the pickles on McDonald’s anusburgers too bland, but then we realized it would be much easier and quicker to determine those who should not be tried for treason, because we are lazy and it’s ever so much shorter. Presented for your edification and terror, the Compleat Liste of Those Who Maye Live.

  • Ann Coulter
  • Frank Luntz
  • Gallagher
  • Donald Trump
  • Neil Bush
  • Antonin Scalia
  • Clint Eastwood, duh
  • Stacey Dash
  • Andrew Breitbart’s corpse
  • The poor Republican chair that was forced against its will to stand in for the Kenyan Usurper Sorry, but that chair should be totally lynched
  • Whoever invented mayonnaise
  • Janeane Turner
  • Whoever it was who elbowed Obama in the face during basketball
  • Martin Luther King, who was a Republican and who would totally agree with Grover Norquist now
  • Ronald Reagan’s corpse, but not Ronald Reagan’s actual record, which shall be put to sleep in a respectful ceremony
  • Every rape baby
  • Megyn Kelly
  • Charles krathammer, who will be elevated on a golden wheelchair.

Everyone else, please report for your firing squad, because Freedom.

The end.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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    1. MittBorg

      Except for Allen West, Michael Steele, that Keynes dude (because he's a child-abuser, the bastard), and a John Doe to be named as soon as I remember the fucker's name.

    2. Serolf_Divad

      Well.. not as long as they're needed. Once the Voting Rights Act is fully repealed… fuck 'em.

    1. HogeyeGrex

      Well, it does say "Andrew Breitbart’s corpse", and since the anus is presumably still attached, Imma say close enough.

  1. hagajim

    We want these people to live so they can see what they have wrought? And if that's the case where are the snowbilly and BillO.

  2. HRH_Maddie

    I'm glad Snowbilly didn't make the list of those who maye live. I'll assume this was not an oversight.

  3. Callyson

    Hey, that list left out Limpballs! Does that mean we get to execute him?

    (Yeah yeah, with crappy ratings…)

  4. elviouslyqueer

    George Will, Hannity, and Mallard Fillmore are going to be mighty pissed that they didn't make the cut. Oh, and you can expect a pissy tweet from Frieda Frozentwat any second now, also, too, as well.

      1. elviouslyqueer

        Well, I dropped "Frosty Fuckbucket" in an earlier post, but "Frieda Frozentwat" just seemed more lyrical and shit.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    I don't mind getting executed, as long as I get a nice comfy chair like that guy in the picture.

    1. MittBorg

      I was just thinking, that is SO civilized. Back when they were executing folks in the old homeland, in the bad old days, of course, they NEVER offered you a seat. Shit, you were lucky if they did it quick with a bullet.

    2. Mumbletypeg

      oh… thank you I think? for making me feel slightly less nauseated looking at that pic… replacing queasiness with guilt, a mild dose, for laughing at your remark~

  6. noodlesalad

    I love that Limbaugh's not on the list. Shouldn't have had Elton officiate that last wedding, libtard.

    Charlie Heston's cold dead hands should be exempt, though.

  7. HRH_Maddie

    Good thing Breitbart is still dead otherwise he'd definitely not be tried for treason and still be allowed to live.

        1. OneDollarJuana

          But I love mayo! Without mayo there would be no BLT's, no tartar sauce for my fries, no 1000 Island dressing, no juicy burgers.

      1. MissTaken


        "We have had a lot of disarticulated feet wash up on our shores in running shoes," says Anderson.

        Yay Wonkville?

        1. rickmaci

          My Dad taught me two important lessons when I was a kid. One was that it was better to play nice with girls than to always be trying to make them cry. I didn't really understand what he meant until I was about 14 and then it all fell into place. Of course, my Dad was a diehard Democrat too.

    1. rickmaci

      Well my friend, I was going to suggest Yellow Pages but that is a corporation and it seems like you meant people. Oh wait….

  8. Detesticle

    Ronald Wilson Reagan = 666 … six letters in each name, the sign of El Diablo, so he is not dead. He is merely waiting for Harry Potter to revive his noseless face via horcrux diary.

  9. Beach_Bubba_Tex

    Is there a dress code or should I just arrive "business casual"?

    Also, do they mind what I smoke before they shoot?

    1. Negropolis

      Depends on where it's held. If it's on Wall Street, yes and yes.

      I say we do it offshore in international waters so we can have some real fun.

  10. Weenus299

    They should be made to live together in a prefab apartment complex in South Dakota, unguarded, because whatever.

    1. rickmaci

      No smoking. Those things will kill you. And the second hand smoke is dangerous for the firing squad.

    1. tessiee

      That was a Simpsons Halloween episode, and a good one, too.

      Then again, their Halloween episodes tend to be slightly better, and a lot darker, than the others.

      1. Jus_Wonderin

        True story. Stayed at the New Orleans W with some friends. At probably precisely 2 AM (I don't know, I was fucking asleep) the dude in the next room starts wailing on his GF. When I called the front desk during the ruckus at 0200, the smarmy/superior front desk guy says "Are you enjoying your W experience, Mr. Wonderin?"

        Fuck that!

  11. Disassembly

    You really should let Ellen DeGeneres live. I know, I know…but she's really funny and my mom likes her show.

  12. sullivanst

    What about Mr. Screamy from the NYSE Trading Floor, whatsisname, inventor of the Tea Party?

    I thought the chair had already been lynched.

  13. bikerlaureate

    Looks like a decent start to a list of legislators for the New Confederate States of Amercia.

  14. kyeshinka

    Santa. Had to replace the carpet after last Christmas eve's all-night bonkfest with Prancer in the den.

  15. MacRaith

    Is it a coincidence that the ad I'm seeing at the top of the page is for "3 Early Signs of Dementia"? I think not!

  16. cognachas4paws

    My comment was deleted for some unknown reason and I had an important question. Let me try again – who will be doing the executing? Someone who knows what they're doing and doesn't just play at a range somewhere? I ask because I'm a delicate little thing and I don't want to suffer.

    1. sullivanst

      Did you ask who was going to pull the tr1gger? Because whereas Your Wonket will let you say every word on George Carlin's list as much as you want, tr1gger is streng verboten.

          1. sullivanst

            A very small of users are special and can type forbidden words. The rest of us mortals can use obvious typos, numbers in place of letters, or if we want to look like we're fancy like Chet, unicode characters from the Cyrillic range (which has letters that render the same as a, c, e, i, o and y, but which IntentDebased is not smart enough to spot). That's a lot of hassle for a little word, though ;)

            The other known banhammer word is rеtard.

          2. sullivanst

            Isn't that more of a banmallet word? I thought that one sent you into eternal limbo rather than straight to hell…

          3. sullivanst

            Yeah, but people who aren't you have to either have the words look different, or fire up charmap (unless they have freaky memories for unicode codepoints, or a handy cribsheet to cut'n'paste from)

      1. MittBorg

        No it isn't. People used to *specialize* in keeping the victims alive long enough for the executioner to pull out their liver and show it to them.

        I SO do not want to see my liver!

  17. Antispandex

    Um, Honey Boo Boo's mamma, and everyone who looks and acts like her, and all of her married relations (Ok, which, I admit, maybe the same thing), and everyone who is all proud of being rednecky. Also. Especially if they used to be Governor of a far northern state, but are NOT racist.

  18. mrblifil

    Every rape baby? Surely some of them must be annoying in some way or other. I say only save the boys, and only if they agree to rape someone when they grow up, out of respect for their fathers.

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      I had to let this settle in, but yes, there was an episode where two warring planets computerized their casualties with predictive routines. Then the "dead" would be herded into vaporizing machines. And no, they didn't have Vick Vapor Rub in the machine.

      Was actually kind of scary to me. In that, a society could, over years, convince its populace to do almost anything.

      1. Estproph

        I originally meant this comment as a glib joke. But thinking about it in the context you brought up – yes, it's quite scary. We have "journalistic" organs actually calling for people to be executed for treason because they disagree, and because they support the president. What the fuck is going on?!

  19. rickmaci

    Could we possibly save the C Cupp? After all Donald Trump, Neil Bush and Antonin Scalia will need to spread their seed to repopulate New Jeebuzzworld with the right kind of minds and Janeane Turner is really out to pasture and Stacy Dash would be wrong if you know what I mean and MAnn Coulter doesn't count and I don't think SMegman Kelly can handle it all by herself.

    1. Lot_49

      Thanks for that. "Volunteers" is almost as good as "After Bathing at Baxter's."

      ♩♬Acid, incense and balloons…♪♫

        1. Lot_49

          Electric Theater, Chicago, summer of '68. Terrible sound, couldn't understand a word. And get this: they had bubbles of colored liquid between transparencies on an overhead projector—far out, man!

          Opening act was Iron Butterfly…who knew a drum solo could go on for 15 minutes?

  20. OneYieldRegular

    I don't see Jesus on that list, but then again he never recited the Pledge of Allegiance, never stood for the national anthem, and probably didn't even watch the Super Bowl. And I know he wasn't a gun owner, so all that may explain it.

      1. sullivanst

        Why am I not surprised to discover that Dame Peggington is sufficiently steeped in angostura to lachrymate it?

  21. prommie

    I do declare, we really are heading for a Hutu-Tutsi moment in this country, and if you think us Yurpeans is too civilized for such tacky African shenanigans, google up on the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre. These wingnuts are quite open about wanting liberals, and they do mean all liberals, anyone who doesn't drink the koolaid, dead, and they really should be taken more seriously (like, seriously enough to put them in the asylum or prison for outright threats). People like Coulter, calling for the killing of liberals just to put the fear in the rest of us, really now, no publisher in a sane society should continue to publish such a person. The far right and an amazing number of fucktarded followers would truly in a heartbeat fire up the ovens, synthesize the zyklon B, and do away with us, gladly without a qualm. Its a real thing, when one party uses apocalyptic scare rhetoric coupled with demonizing and dehumanizing their opponents to the point of literally flat out saying that killing democrats is justified and right, for the good of the country. Its quite some world we gots to live in huh? Its nearly three tequilas time.

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Ok, but you see, you said "no publisher in a sane society should continue to publish such a person," so YOU are clearly the greater threat to freedom. So to preserve Liberty, you must be executed for trying to take away Wingers' right to call for your execution.

    2. sullivanst

      Why need we look up Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre, when the world's most infamous act of genocide was committed by a white Yurpeen, and a Northern white Yurpeen at that?

      ETA: I have on occasion made the observance that Radio Rwanda would certainly have been protected under the Brandenburg standard for First Amendment analysis, and these assholes are proving it near-daily now.

    3. Chet Kincaid_

      Dear Mr. Promzarelli,

      As keen observers of your commenting history, we at PBS have concluded that you are the man best suited in these times to carry on the legacy of the late Fred Rodgers, assuaging the anxieties of schoolchildren daily with your calm and reassuring presence. May we discuss a pilot?

    4. Negropolis

      I hope no one seriously thinks Yurpeans are "too civilized for such tacky African shenanigans." I mean, Europe was perpetually at war with itself and the rest of the world prior to WWII. They are no strangers to genocide.

  22. miss_grundy

    My lord, Eddard Stark, of the House of Stark and Lord of Winterfell should never have been executed. But you can execute all the Republicans on your list and all of the Lannisters, except for Tyrion.

  23. owhatever

    What's a nice Jewish girl doing writing a post like this? The who lives-who dies thingie is in the hands of his Popiness, the Rev. Fred Phelps and Franklin Graham and his wife, Lindsay. Tsk-tsk.

  24. chascates

    Whoever came up with the advertising phrase 'New and improved!'.
    Roger Ailes
    Reality TV producers
    Gallagher (the comedian)

  25. hollyrocks209

    Stacey Dash?!?! But then I see that not only did she vouch for Romney, she's been married three times. All the best family-values Republicans have been married at least that many times!

    1. finallyhappy

      Stacy probably doesn't even know who ROMNEY is but was told saying she was voting for him would give her non existent career some publicity.

  26. Slim_Pickins

    We should burn Ann Coulter as a witch, instead. And commit Krauthammer (sic) to an isolation ward in a mental hospital.

  27. pinkocommi

    Of course, it doesn't matter whether or not we execute Dick Cheney because he has his deal with the devil that means he will never die.

  28. coolhandnuke

    Next week is Bank Appreciation Week. Can't wait to see who we spare in that Schwindler's List.

  29. MinAgain

    If I'm entitled to a last cigarette, I'd like to have one made by those fine folks on Alpha Centauri Bb, please and thank you.

  30. RomneysLogCabin

    Bristol Palin because fetuses can't self-abort.

    Joe the Plumber because tampons.

    Louis CK because Sarah Palin.

    1. doloras

      Interesting. Their main difference with Nate Silver is they've got Virginny going blue. Nate Silver has Hopey at 72% and climbing slowly.

      1. sullivanst

        Differences in methodology, too – Nate's model appears to factor in a lot more data/variables – and sorry, I just can't credit a 93% win chance, that's too aggressive based on the current state of polling.

        Nate does currently have VA a very pale shade of blue, though.

        1. weejee

          I agree with you on this being overly optimistic. 270 to Win has backed-off their previous 90+ projection to 76% which is v. near Silvers late 10/25 projection of 73.1%. Regardless, these numbers cannot be comforting to Mittens.

          1. sullivanst

            Yeah, I'm sure the Romney campaign are currently in a state of mostly trying to convince themselves they can replicate their late surges from ad blitzes in primary states. They can't, for three main reasons. First, their primary ad blitzes were overwhelmingly negative, and they worked because votes didn't really know Mitt's opponents – Newt was the only one who'd previously been nationally known, and even he'd spent a long time out of the spotlight; the President, on the other hand, is someone about whom people have already made up their minds. Second, Mitt had orders of magnitude more money than his opponents and was able to completely dominate the airwaves; Barack has lots of campaign money too and is able to come much closer to matching expenditures. Third, viewer fatigue – I'm a political junkie in NY and even I am sick of the political ads (fuck you very much, Linda McMahon); I'd hate to think what it's like in, say, Ohio – I suspect by now it's almost impossible to produce an ad that any significant number of people are going to pay attention to in swing states.

  31. Steverino247

    Again, if any of these turds start to refer to liberals as "cockroaches," I'm getting the fuck outta here.

  32. MittBorg

    WTF is wrong with me, I read that first item as "Ann Cunter." And I am not one who uses the word "cunt" in anything but a friendly, leering, and complimentary manner.

          1. MittBorg

            What's Oddjob?

            That means "We all love Ai Wei-wei." Ai in pudong hua means "love." We used to tease little girls by singing "Wo ai ni" when we were little.

          2. MittBorg

            Ah. I have never seen the Bond flicks, as you term them.

            Pudong hua is the Northern Chinese dialect that came to be called "Mandarin" because it was spoken by the educated and governing classes. It was simplified and standardized after the Revolution. Although it is the official language, China has now begun attempting to preserve its many other languages and dialects.

          3. tessiee

            Oddjob (the Bond villain) was a small, yet sinister, Asian gentleman who killed people by whipping his bowler hat at them.

  33. MittBorg

    We CAN'T lynch whoever invented mayonnaise? WTF, BeccaLou! I withdraw my financial support of the Wonketz!

    (In the interest of accuracy, we note that MittBorg has NEVER financially supported the Wonketz.)

  34. Mittaplasia

    Request postponement until November 7 just so I know if life would have been worth living or not. If not, please just sneak up on me and make it quick, ok?

  35. ElPinche

    Feel free to use my raccoon traps and Wallenstein BX42S woodchipper. No need to go Fargo , it's all self-feeding.

  36. Serolf_Divad

    Ummm… why didn't America's most respected opinion columnist, Chuck Norris, not make that list? And esteemed composer Theodore Von Nugent?

  37. shelwood46

    I was going to say Dennis Miller, but then I remembered this story:

    When my great-grandfather was in his early 20s, he met my great-grandma and chose to leave the Methodist church to become a Catholic for her when they married. He went to mass every Sunday and Wednesday. He was a Deacon. He founded the local chapters of the Knights of Columbus and the St. Vincent DePaul Society and headed both for many years.

    Upon his death at 87, many prominent Catholic leaders showed up for his funeral, and the Archbishop spoke. As my mother and I left the funeral mass, we got stuck behind two local old ladies chatting. One said, in a loud, serious voice, "You know, he was a pretty good Catholic…. for a convert."

    So, sorry, Dennis, but you have to die.

    1. LagunaB

      Sorry, but we always made fun of converts. They didn't understand that you actually were required to sin. At least the Irish Catholics.

      1. MittBorg

        One of my ex-gfs says that's why it's so wonderful to be Catholic. You get to sin, and then share it, and it goes away, pouf! just like that.

  38. Gleem McShineys

    What about Doctor Keith Ablow? He can be used to quickly find others for the firing squad, by judging how they respond to a few of his pronouncements.

    If they laugh, they die.

  39. Gleem McShineys

    Isn't it ironic that these wingnuts are also the ones who say things like "I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE MY COUNTRY ANYMORE"

    And they don't mind the idea of a little fascisty housecleaning based on allegiance to a specific political party. Wonder what country they are thinking of.

    1. tessiee

      The country that E.L. Doctorow described in "Ragtime" when he wrote: "There were no immigrants. There were no Negroes".

  40. ttommyunger

    Jeezus K. Christ on a cracker, that must be the Polish Marksmanship Team…..think they're close enough?

  41. Negropolis

    Oh, I get it.

    "The use of words expressing something other than their literal intention. Now THAT is irony!" – Bender Rodriguez

  42. Nowisallthereis

    What's wrong with maynaz? I like maynaze. And no, I don't dip my fries in maynaze like those cowards the Franch. I might dip sumthin else in it if you axed me real nice.

  43. slappy_maxwell

    Tucker Carlson's bow tie stays. He goes.
    A bow-tied Tucker would never have gone dancing on the teevees.
    The bow tie limited the flow of blood to his brain allowing him to just be a douche.
    Unrestricted flow, he becomes a soft, sad, pathetic, douche.

  44. HistoriCat

    That image is truly disturbing. I realize it's a shameful part of (some country's) historyand that we should never forget but it's just too much.

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