FATAL ATTRACTION  1:25 pm October 25, 2012

Hero Maryland Pastor: Vote Against Gay Marriage Or You Should Die

by Rich Abdill

The Lidless Eye don't wanna see none of that gay stuff.So there’s this Maryland referendum coming up for a vote on November 6, see, and it’s about letting gay people marry each other. You know, so they can get those sweet tax deductions, and visit each other in the hospital, and share health insurance, and commit publicly to the one they love — all that cool stuff the straights get, for being straight.

The ballot measure is 96 words long. The first 25 are about how Maryland is gonna let people marry whomever they want, because Freedom, and the last 71 words are about how churches don’t have to change anything or marry any icky gays or even talk to them, also because Freedom.

Churches, however, are not happy about this anyway, and groups like the Maryland Marriage Alliance are all like “gross, ew, ew, lesbians, ew, Jesus would have haaaated you guys.” And they have a friend! His name is Derek McCoy, and he is a pastor, and he thinks gay people (and their friends!) should… well… die.


Tell us, Baltimore Sun, how are folks using their First Amendment rights today?

Anderson read from a portion of the Bible that refers to homosexuality. “Those who practice such things are deserving of death,” Anderson said, reading from the Bible.

FINALLY, someone with the courage to point out what other anti-equality activists dance around on their big work boots: If you believe unequivocally in the Bible, you can’t just not want gay people to get married, or civil unioned, or made out with. You have to think they should die. Which is, whoa, a bummer, man, but thank goodness Ours is a Loving and Compassionate God, right?

To review: Getting raped and impregnated? A gift from God! Two people falling in love and wanting to spend the rest of their lives together? Ah, we should kill those people. That wasn’t God’s plan. God’s plan can only go undefended when bad things happen to women.

But wait! There are more people destined to die at the hands of the Great Good Lord! From a video of the panel, courtesy of gay rights blog Good As You, we have McCoy explaining why we must vote against gay marriage:

“‘Those who practice such things are deserving of death,” he said. “But — watch this — for those who also approve of those who practice these things. If we don’t vote against it, then we are approving these things that are worthy of death.”

There are then heavy nods of agreement and one dude yelling “Preach!” because he is so filled with the spirit of the Angel of Death.

So, just so you know, People In Favor Of Equal Rights, you deserve death for not saying gays deserve death. It might be hard to keep it all straight, but you have to pay close attention so as to not accidentally deserve death.

Anything else?

Separately, he also said approving same-sex marriage could “open up a back door” to legalizing prostitution, incest and bestiality.

First order of business: Props to reporter Annie Linskey for working a reference to “back doors” in a story about gay marriage.

Second order of business: We have been converted! What a convincing argument. Surely, we can all agree on this point, right? If we let gay marriage pass, the Fido-boinkers win. Won’t someone think of the puppies? Also, two people getting married is nothing but a road to hookerdom, and we must fight hookerdom at every turn.

You know, for freedom. [Baltimore Sun]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 240 comments }

Madfall October 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm

I'm getting damn glad that I only have to go back to Maryland very ocasionaly to visit my fiancee's family. I don't think I'd want to live there.

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Meet the New South. Same as the Old South.

Allmighty_Manos October 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Jokes on them…it's going to pass

ph7 October 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

C'mon – we got good wackos, too, hon!

John Waters, Divine, Edgar Allen Poe, Babe Ruth, David Byrne, Pecker.

Even Spiro Agnew was kinda funny.

Plus, crab cakes, brisket sandwiches, snow cone machines, and a dependable democratic majority.

TheGyrus October 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Also, the Orioles, hon.

ph7 October 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

And the Ravens, and Don Schaefer, the barely closeted gay Mayor and Governor.

TheGyrus October 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

And Alan Keyes and Michael Steele! Comedic gold, those two.

DustyBowlBlues October 25, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Are they still owned by that labor lawyer rich dude? Because that's why I'm an Orioles fan.

widestanceromance October 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Stephen L. Miles?

widestanceromance October 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

We do have quite the hot and supportive governor on our side, you know.

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:20 pm

We are pretty damn good compared to where a lot of you live.

DustyBowlBlues October 25, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Ahem . . . are you talking about my dumb-ass state?

superdave October 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm

I've been living in Maryland for a dozen years and am very happy here. It's one of the more reliably blue states. I think the marriage proposal is going to pass. IIRC it will be the first state to vote for gay marriage, as opposed to having it enact via the courts.

Sure there are wacko wingnuts here, but that's true everywhere.

outragedcitizen October 26, 2012 at 12:55 pm

Idiots like McCoy and the Maryland Marriage Alliance aside, Maryland is for the most part sane and really not that bad a place to live. We almost always vote Democratic, (with the exception of Erlich when he was running against Townsen, but I mean, come on, even a Rethug was better then the Glendening machine), and civil rights for all seem to be the norm rather then the exception.

LibrarianX October 25, 2012 at 1:27 pm

When did all the Mullahs move to the US?

Blueb4sinrise October 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

1608

Dudleydidwrong October 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Yes, but that bunch was mostly interested in finding gold (good luck, there, Cap'n Smith!). The Mullah Majority moved in en masse in 1620 and replenished themselves many times thereafter.

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

I think someone left a portal open when Gozer passed through last time.

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

…there is no Dana, only ZUUL!!!!

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

…when Barack HUSSEIN Obama implemented Sharia law in 2008!!!

actor212 October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Jan. 20, 1981

I often wonder whether, if he lived and was sane this long, Ronald Reagan would regret signing a deal with the Devil the way he did.

DustyBowlBlues October 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm

They've been in OK all along. Haven't you been paying attention?

taylormattd October 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

Can I have sex with my boyfriend before they kill me?

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Yes, but hurry.

Swampgas_Man October 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I'm single; can I have sex w/ your boyfriend before they kill me?

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

…if you are the Gay, you are already dead!

BornInATrailer October 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

The Brown Eye of Mordor

RedneckMuslin October 25, 2012 at 1:28 pm

This Lord and Jesus dude is a dick! So is this pastor.

snowpointsecret October 25, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Separately, he also said approving same-sex marriage could “open up a back door” to legalizing prostitution, incest and bestiality.

Maybe he should worry more about beastiality being legal in 13 states.

bobbert October 25, 2012 at 3:25 pm

Or the fact that prostitution was pretty much legal in the old Bible.

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Right, there was that patriarch who totally banged his (veiled) twice-widowed daughter-in-law, thinking that she was a prostitute, and he left her his symbols of office, to prove that he was totally good for the sheep he owed her, and then later he found out that said daughter-in-law was preggers out of wedlock, and was going to put her to death for promiscuity and then she was like, "the guy who banged me left me gave me this staff and cloak and OH LOOK THEY BELONG TO YOU SO NOW WHAT." And it was basically a cross between your standard Shakespeare/sitcom comedy of errors, and Jerry Springer, with an extra dash of Patriarchal sexual double-standards thrown in for good measure.

And that's the story of why masturbation and condoms are both sins.

Wile E. Quixote October 25, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Not in Washington State any more. I'm proud to say that in 2006 Republican legislator Pam Roach sponsored a bill that outlawed bestiality after that guy got fucked to death in Enumclaw.

memzilla October 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

"Give me Sodomy, or give me Death!"

Hmmm. Catchy, but a little final. Tell Marketing to schedule a focus group, though, just to be sure.

hagajim October 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Would raping a gay person be a gift from God with a killing at the end?

herecomedajudge October 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

it's the gift that keeps on giving

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

Hmm, I went to a fundamentalist high school, maybe i can parse this:

…no. just the killing. see, a person of the same sex can't make his or her victim have a rape baby, so no God gift.

Wait a second… Maybe if it was a female on female rape and the perpetrator had a turkey baster full of her brother's Semen! Then there would be a rape baby!

Get Pat Robertson on the phone! I think I've figured out how to reconcile homosexuality and the bible! RAPE BABIES FOR ALL!

BoatOfVelociraptors October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

It's the QWERTY Party!
Queers!
War!
Evangelicals!
Rape!
Taxes! and
You!

snowpointsecret October 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

You mean they're getting policies by slamming on the keyboard? No wonder I can't make sense of any of it.

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Shari'a Law doesn't sound all that bad.

CommieLibunatic October 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

I heard something on KPCC earlier about how Shari'a is itself rather vague, so that statement would actually hold water.

Nowisallthereis October 26, 2012 at 8:44 am

Who is this Sherry person and why are we so in a twist over her laws?

Maman October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

You forgot shellfish. All you crabcake eating bastards are going to hell with the gayz too. It's in the BIBLE… suck it.

Crank_Tango October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Old Bay Libel!

a_pink_poodle October 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm

Red Lobster Libel!

Schmannnity October 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Babyback ribs from the open pit (of Hell).

Maman October 25, 2012 at 1:45 pm

So long as we are going to be literal in our interpretation of the Bible…..

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

That's the thing: they can't be literal about the Bible.

Like the creationists: read the first two chapters of Genesis literally. In chapter 1, God creates the world in 6 days, yadda yadda, yadda. But then, in chapter 2, verse 4, God gets Romnesia, forgets he created stuff, and then just starts creating the world again, only this time he does it all in one day and in a totally different order. Creationists have to totally ignore this to believe in creation.

Not too mention that in Genesis 3:24 God kicks adam and eve out and places a sword to keep them from coming back. A sword. a fucking sword, keeping in mind, adam and eve are the only two people on earth and there have been no wars yet and they were naked layabouts and God had to make their clothes for them. meaning, it would have made as much sense to adam and eve if God had put an AK47 there, as they have equally no idea what either is.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Yum, I was planning on making crabby patties for dinner 2night.

Also, too, garments of different fibers—-all cotton/polyester blend wearers shall burn in eternal hell!!!

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

…well we are going to have a bad ass party in the 7th ring of hell!!! All the buttseks and lobster/shrimp that you can handle!

SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Can we wear clothes with mixed fibers too?

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:23 pm

SINNER!!! wool and polyester together will send you to hell

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

…of course, I am pretty sure the entire company of Abercrombie and Fitch will be there. So we will be some well dress mofo's!!!

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Hell is basically Red Lobster during Never Ending Shrimp and a more relaxed attire code? I could get on board with that.

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

…yeah, Red Lobster with Gay interior design(oxymoron?) and house DJ!

YasserArraFeck October 25, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Swimming in melted butter for eternity…..GAAAAH!!!

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:22 pm

I told one old lady yelling at me about sin and HOMOSEXUALS going to hell about shellfish and cheeseburgers- and told her she needed to read all the laws not just the ones her preacher wants her to be hateful about

Beowoof October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

The Angel of Death does seem to be on call for these guys if you do anything they don't like. However, if God doesn't like gay people why does he keep making them. Discuss.

Sharkey October 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

It gives some pastors something to preach about?

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Abusive Father Theology. God is constantly calling us little shits who fuck everything up and is soooooo sorry he made us in the first place, but hey, He's willing to forgive us if we just admit we're clueless fucks and follow all his contradictory rules without question, and especially never call him on his shit.

Tequila Mockingbird October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

It's amazing how preachers cherry-pick the sins they care about. All this energy about same-sex marriage, but adultery gets a pass. Gee, I wonder why?

SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

And the somehow remain quiet on refusing to help the poor, even though Jesus was big on condemning people for that; the sex not so much.

Maman October 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh come to mind…

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

…just imagine what they would say if there was gay marriage adultery?! Their head s would melt like Raiders of the Lost Ark!!!

Disassembly October 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Ya see, God committed adultery with Mary so it's cool now.

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 3:08 pm

Right, but it was totally cool, because she was sleeping.

Disassembly October 25, 2012 at 5:12 pm

No joke — when I watched that on YouTube I first had to sit through a commercial from the Mormon church.

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

King Solomon's Pimp hand theology: The Bible is full of rule's, but if you're a "Strong ManahGod" you know some of those rules were made to be bent. Especially as they apply to Penis. (Vagina never gets to bend the rules.) I Kings 11:1-7

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 3:05 pm

Because that way they get to stay on the downlow, and their yappy rentboys will stop bugging them to "make a commitment" or whatever the fuck.

SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Well the Lord of the Rings is a much better written and consistent book than the Bible, and a better guide to morality.

ph7 October 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Neither one is particularly easy to masturbate to.

vulpes82 October 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

What do you mean? Ghan-buri-Ghan makes me hot!

sewollef October 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

But you know, John Ronald Reuel Tolkien CBE, was as gay as a lamplighter…. and English.

And as my wife says when she's pissed at me, "It's a fine line between English and gay."

ph7 October 25, 2012 at 2:06 pm

The fine line being one quotes Shakespeare, the other Rogers & Hammerstein.

delaney_blom October 25, 2012 at 2:23 pm

You said it!

If I have to hear another limey twit's version of "My Favorite Things," I'm going to go crazy.

doloras October 25, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Sorry to derail the snark train, but… Tolkien? Gay? Really? Exactly whom is he supposed to have buttsechsed, or are you basing it all on the homoerotic themes in LoTR, which is all about idealized male bonding and the feudal master-servant relationship? Just nipping a dumb meme in the bud before it gets going.

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

…I prefer to believe in "talking snakes" and "immaculate conception", rather than "hobbits" and "walking/talking trees". Just saying!

KeepFnThatChicken October 25, 2012 at 2:23 pm

I'd rather believe in sodium and chlorine as killers, and not as boring-ass salt.

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

You say that, but which one one of those two books says that someone can be innately evil just because of their race?

¡¡op ɯǝɥʇ ɟo ɥʇoq ¡uoıʇsǝnb ʞɔıɹʇ

Oblios_Cap October 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

thank goodness Ours is a Loving and Compassionate God, right?

I did not know that there were any of those.

GunToting[Redacted] October 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I really wish these folks would be more specific about this "God" person. Are they referring to Odin? Zeus? Maybe Osiris? None of these strike me as Loving and Compassionate. Then again, this bearded sky-Gandalf doesn't seem to fit in either.

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:39 pm

Short version: By "God" they mean a composite of the Babylonian gods El Elyon and Yahweh, the former the head of the pantheon, the latter the God of war. ancient israelites pushed a campaign saying they were one and the same. Sometime later, the being may have impregnated a mortal and created a demigod Greek mythology style, and then after much arguing decided demigods shouldn't be a thing so the demigod was just El Yahweh in disguise.

Obviously.

Jukesgrrl October 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Thank you for clearing that up.

CommieLibunatic October 25, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I've heard that Allah is forgiving and understanding. I guess, like everything else in this Brave New Reality, it depends on who you ask.

hagajim October 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Could I smack down (with votes of course) the idiot screaming amen amen in the mike? Good lord.

RedneckMuslin October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Such things? You mean Butt seks?

bikerlaureate October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

If we don’t end the federal tax exemption for churches, then we are "approving" this hatred.

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

Bingo.

MegPasadena October 25, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Christian fundamentalist is just as dangerous as Islamic fundamentalist.

KeepFnThatChicken October 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

No. Islamic fundamentalists kill you for being an infidel. Here, you have to endure Christian bullshit for years and years and years.

Dudleydidwrong October 25, 2012 at 2:20 pm

I can guarantee you that if it ever comes to having to decide whether to give up the tax exemption for religious groups or end butt sechs, one or the other but not both, they'll change their views on butt sechs so fast they will run out of K-Y.

AlterNewt October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Why must people persist in being gay, black, female, compassionate, etc?

This has got to stop.

Schmannnity October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Santorum Lives! lock up your Chesapeake Bay Retrievers, Marylanders!

Crank_Tango October 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Ladies, let's fight gay marriage by opening up the back door, for freedom.

emmelemm October 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Good one.

FakaktaSouth October 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Look, admittedly, I haven't read the Bible's chapter on "buttsex and you" but, IS sodomy a no-no all around? I am just trying to figure out what the rules are before someone gets killed.

BoatOfVelociraptors October 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Well, First you offer your virgin daughters to the braying crowds to be raped.

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

for what it's worth, openly gay christian mathew vine on what the Bible does and doesn't say about homosexuality. (he's pro gay.)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ezQjNJUSraY

actor212 October 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

It's true. If more women did teh buttsechs, there'd be fewer fags. I know I've often thought about switchhitting because my gal won't spread them cheeks.

ph7 October 25, 2012 at 1:34 pm

"Those who practice such things are deserving of death”

You mean those who intentionally make fellow humans feel less than human? I agree.

bikerlaureate October 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Tolerance, forgiveness and empathy have apparently become lies from the pit of Hell.

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 1:34 pm

I need to start going to church more often, find out why God's in such a pissy mood.

RedneckMuslin October 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

cuz his HR dept does a terrible job.

ph7 October 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Their #1 employee has been off on vacation for 2,000 years.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

That's easy. We let an Evil Kenyan Muslin Usurper Blah dude get illegally elected to God's most favoritist country. Duh.

chicken_thief October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Needz moar lazy shucking and jiving.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

There are, in fact, already posters on yahoo pointing out how racist all Dems are for saying that was racist.

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 2:32 pm

Yahoo? The Mercury Topaz of comment boards?

PsycWench October 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

If you saw these kinds of people advocating this crap in your name, you'd be in a pissy mood too.

Blueb4sinrise October 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Hormonal thang.

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Short answer: He and all his followers are itching to get this long-gestating "project: Armeggeddon" under way, And for that to happen we need Israel to get into a nuclear war with someone so God can throw his weight around and we can get the end times rollin'. But confirmed Antichrist Obama would rather there not be a nuclear war in the middle east, so he's just a big fucking buzz kill.

DustyBowlBlues October 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Because these assholes keep screwing up the message she thought her son had been perfectly clear on.

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I do so love how people think that a book transliterated over 2,000 years ago by a bunch of polygamous penis-bearers is going to be literally relevant to making governmental policy today.

One_who_wanders October 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

I initially read polygamous as polyamorous and wouldn't that make the bible better reading material?

Schmannnity October 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Back when the Earth was only 4000 years old.

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm

We all know that this Hero Paster has some kind of dungeon in his home. Give it a few days.

widestanceromance October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

He has not denied it.

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

We're not irresponsible enough to not speculate.

Tequila Mockingbird October 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

W.W.J.G.M.?

Who would Jesus gay marry?

RufusTFirefly October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Judas. The make-up sex would be awesome.

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm

Peter, just to hear the cock crow once more.

Disassembly October 25, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Not to mention he was rock hard.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

I'm going with Simon. Crazy in the head, crazy in bed.

delaney_blom October 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm

John was the "beloved" apostle.

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:47 pm

above: canon answer.

MissTaken October 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Judas, they already kissed and I'm sure he make a good hate-fuck.

SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Why do you think Judas betrayed Jesus? He was all jealous after the big man shifted his affection over to Peter.

actor212 October 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Oh please! It was all about that fag-hag, Magdalene!

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Mags was just a beard.

HistoriCat October 26, 2012 at 11:29 am

I thought Judas just needed the money to pay for that Supper.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Not Paul (Saul) who he actually never met (and is the basis for all this stupidity)…

Maybe Thomas, to assuage his doubts???

BornInATrailer October 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

All of them, Katie?

KeepFnThatChicken October 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

If he's converted totally to Mormonism, he could gay-marry all his apostles.

Hera Sent Me October 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm

It's almost a shame that these people's imaginary friend is just that. It would be worth going to hell for being a heathen just to see the looks on their faces as they joined me for making Jesus seem like a total douche.

snowpointsecret October 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Anyone saying that gays should be killed should be sentenced to an eternity in the IntenseDebate moderation queue.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm

Huffpost libel!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Thank God that under our current laws, there is no prostitution in the Maryland/Greater Washington DC area. Further proof that heterosexual marriage is the only way to go.

chicken_thief October 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm

Hetrosexual marriage is da bomb! Just ask Newt and Rush.

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Well, if you are interested, the two motels at Georgia and 13th seem to have something going on based on police reports.

AngryBlakGuy October 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

…uh, yeahhhhh! There are plenty(and I mean plenty) of women employed in the oldest profession in the Washington/Baltimore area. At least, that is what I heard.

asterixaverni October 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm

Wasn't there this dude, who showed up like 2000 years ago, and said like love one another and said that he was the good news, the old ways were dead and everything was forgiven?

Or was that just the hippie musical version?

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm
SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm

But hippie Jesus (at least the Godspell one) was played by an openly gay man! Oh, the horror!

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Wait, how did I not know this? Lord, I think my membership card just got dinged.

PsycWench October 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Next thing we know, you'll be telling us he hung out with poor people and provided free medical care.

actor212 October 25, 2012 at 2:09 pm

Nah. You're thinking of the guy who got nailed to a tree for saying it would be nice if we were nice to each other.

This is about Republican Jesus.

weejee October 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Well the Fido-boinkers (those who spend most of the day f**king the dog, so to speak) are already on-board with the Koch suckers. Now this makes purrfect sense so the kitties toss confetti and cheer. BTW the missus & I have already voted for festive marriages here in Washington, so guess we should be looking for the Nazgûls when walkin' home??

PsycWench October 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm

None of these people ever seem to think that if God wanted gays to die, he wouldn't need a bunch of fat preachers to help him.

GhostBuggy October 25, 2012 at 1:55 pm

He does keep sending those hurricanes and shit. Never mind that his aim seems to be terrible. Like Carlin said, if this is the work of a supreme being, I am not impressed.

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Don't forget the earthquakes and volcanoes. THESE ARE SIGNS SHEEPLE!!1!

shelwood46 October 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm

When I was a kid, I thought if there was a God, he was a lot like Col. Henry Blake, well-meaning but completely inept.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

First the Blacks get uppity, and we have to allow a Kenyan to be president. Then the ghayez get uppity, and we have to allow sex with dogs. What's next, women allowed to control their reproductive systems? Do you think that is what God wants?

FakaktaSouth October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

All right all right, Will someone then explain how we reconcile "thou shalt not kill" being right there in the Top 10 list of things God will get you for AND getting to kill gay people? Is there an asterisk I just never noticed? I know it is easy to follow all of the rules in the Bible because it is the inerrant word of God, and never contradicts itself, so I know there is an answer here. Anyone?

DCBloom October 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

It's easy really. Once upon a time there was a bunch of tribes. Some of the elders realized that the only way to survive was to unite under one god. So, they merged all their crazy little taboos (mostly about bacon & buttsechs). Luckily they gave future generations an out.

It was obvs that no one could follow all those cray rules, so they prophesied a guy who would save them from all that stuff.

Then Jesus came along and said, guess what, god will still love you as long as you love thy neighbor. That is why Christians can eat shrimp and not get circumcised.

Unfortunately, few Christians read their bible as a book. They just cherry pick the stuff they like.

FakaktaSouth October 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

See, I would have ALWAYS been a dissenter I suppose, cause having a Bacon&Buttsechs tribe sounds way funner than making them off-limits, no? and I bet they'd have killed them all first? Fuckers, man, just, fuckers.

Blueb4sinrise October 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Because 'God'.

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:52 pm

No joke, wingnuts insist that "thou shalt not kill" is a mistranslation, and it should read "thou shalt not murder." I hate to admit it, but they may have a point, considering that elsewhere there are a shit ton of circumstances where the Bible says it's okay to kill.

MosesInvests October 25, 2012 at 3:30 pm

It's not just wingnuts. "Lo tirtzhach" means "don't murder". Even flaming liberal pinkos like me would agree that there's such a thing as justifiable homicide-self defense, anyone? FWIW, 2000 years ago Jewish tradition made the death penalty for all practical purposes impossible to implement. To wit: capital crime had to be witnessed directly by at least two unimpeachable witnesses, who were required to warn the perp beforehand that he was about to commit a capital offense, and perp would have had to say "Yeah, I know, but Imma do it anyway".

jodyleek October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

So, let me get this straight (ha ha straight!!) – I have to worship this god and follow his silly rule about not loving gays because if I don't I will die and be put into the pit of fire. If, however, I do follow this silly rule, then I will get to spend eternity with the likes of Pat Robertson and Michele Bachmann? Put me on the waiting list for hell, please.

CrunchyKnee October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Where is this Hookerdom you reference? I cannae find it on a map.

eggsacklywright October 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm

Och, use the Geugle, laddie.

shelwood46 October 25, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Google Street Walker View

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm

It's right next to landlocked Iran.

Stevola October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Mention the word "Gay" and these asshats fantasize about fucking dogs.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Wide stance libel!

chicken_thief October 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

You gotta admit, Lassie was one hot bitch….

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm

oh, for a time machine to get a reaction from freud…

lulzmonger October 25, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Fantasize? "Reminisce" is more like it.

HempDogbane October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I'm listening to Minnesota Public Radio's show on the history of the Gay Rights battle in MN right now. A minute before I read this Wonkette post they were playing Senate Minority Leader Dean Johnson speaking on the Senate floor in favor of the Human Rights amendment, and they told how this rural legislator brought along several other reluctant votes. He said "Minnesotans are scared. Senators are scared. Dean Johnson is scared. But this is the right thing to do." Spoken by a Republican, Lutheran pastor. Naturally, he's not a senator anymore.

Edit: now they're introducing the One-L character.

Allmighty_Manos October 25, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Thanks for that Biblical info. I need to go slaughter a sheep now.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 25, 2012 at 1:51 pm

Go find yourself a son.

MissTaken October 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm
MosesInvests October 25, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Eid Mubarak to you, too!

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm

And bring him to the top of a mountain.

SayItWithWookies October 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

The poor religious fanatics must feel horrible that they've failed to keep Americans hewing to the biblically accepted practices of rape, genocide and slavery and are instead turning to such base notions as civil rights and cooperation. I really wish they'd start blaming themselves more, however.

Schmannnity October 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm

This is bad news for Ted Haggard.

widestanceromance October 25, 2012 at 1:40 pm

Oh, go choke on a rusty dildo–and like it.

BlueStateLibel October 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

The Bible also says adulterers should be stoned to death. Which would wipe out half of the Republican "leadership."

asterixaverni October 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm

I volunteer to start with Newt!

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2012 at 1:51 pm

You're gonna need a bigger rock.

facehead October 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm

Right, if we let men marry men, next thing you know men will marry cabbage. If you knew how much cabbage I ate last night, you'd understand how offensive that is.

To be on the safe side, let's just get rid of marriage altogether, because it can only lead to gay marriage, and then cabbage marriage, and then … o who am I kidding, cabbage is the worst.

HempDogbane October 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

According to Dan Savage, eating cabbage is standard now.

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm

or marrying cabbage patch kids

LibrarianX October 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

If we ban smoking, then people will start taking soft drugs and then move onto hard drugs, and the crime rate will go up and up. We should therefore prevent crime by allowing smoking.

TheGyrus October 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm

Jesus was all about hating the sinner.

Esteev October 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

And hanging out with dudes.

One_who_wanders October 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

There are a number of Pastors appearing in ads for the ballot initiative as well and it is widely expected to pass.

Callyson October 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Back to the reality based community…WaPo has the initiative leading among Maryland voters:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/dc-politics/m

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I call you on the telephone
The party says that you ain't there

When a man asked who's callin'
I said, "Just tell 'em it's a back door love affair"

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm

Because of their punter, I am officially a fan of the Minnesota Vikings until they cut him.
"Lustful Cockmonster." AHAHAHAHAHAH! http://www.buzzfeed.com/ktlincoln/nfl-punter-chri

HempDogbane October 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Watch him kick tonight on Thursday Night Football. The "Yes" people (which in Vikingland is "No" on gay marriage, in the Constitution) recruited a former Vikings lineman to record a message to counteract Kluwe's position.

sullivanst October 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Best. Campaign. Ad. Ever.

Goonemeritus October 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

And what behavior does the good pastor practice that would earn him a Leviticus based stoning?

pdiddycornchips October 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm

Well, he's a bit of a deadbeat.
http://www.washingtonblade.com/2012/06/26/marylan

Monsieur_Grumpe October 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

I guess that love thy neighbor stuff is fiction too. That bible is one messed up book.

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2012 at 1:51 pm

"Also, two people getting married is nothing but a road to hookerdom, and we must fight hookerdom at every turn."

And what about hookwormerdom?

LibrarianX October 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I was gay married in Iowa, so my question is this: should I be stoned in Maryland or in Iowa?

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Maryland, definitely. Because of delicious crab cakes.

DEIT: Ohhhhhhhh. I SEE what you did there.

*applauds*

BaldarTFlagass October 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

But what if the Librarian prefers corn fritters? Or can't eat seafood (like me)? Hmmm?

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:29 pm

In Iowa you can eat a gigantic Machine Shed Cinnamon bun. One might be big enough for a small wedding cake

kyeshinka October 25, 2012 at 3:00 pm

If you're looking to get stoned, maybe not Iowa. An eighth runs about $25 now. Damn fuel prices.

humanmanc October 25, 2012 at 1:53 pm

I will wed My Pet Goat the day this passes.

vulpes82 October 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm

Fuck you, Pastor Fucker.

snowpointsecret October 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Jesus thinks this man is so wrong that he's sending a hurricane to prove it.

Okay I really just wanted a Hurricane Sandy reference, admittedly…

pdiddycornchips October 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

The lord works in mysterious ways. Or maybe this guy is just a bigoted dickhead. Or both could be true,

MiniMencken October 25, 2012 at 2:00 pm

I'm still sticking with the Old testament, as in Proverbs 18:6 — "A fool's lips enter into contention, and his mouth calleth for strokes."

stly92 October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Meh, not that hard to keep straight. Any decent double speak filter will do. Good and compassionate mean hateful and unforgiving, freedom means slavery, life means death, and death also means death. (that's how you know your double speak filter is decent. It's not about opposites, it's about how every thing leads to death and oppression.)

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm

Needz moar boycott Disney cuz they don't hatz teh gheyz!!!

chicken_thief October 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

And the US Armed Services. The Lord still loves Him some military might, amirite?

JustPixelz October 25, 2012 at 2:06 pm

When they cite Sharia Biblical Law to condemn the non-heterosexuals, I don't know why they don't also demand stores be closed on Sunday.

Dudleydidwrong October 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm

Well, the "Sabbath" is actually from sundown Friday to sundown Saturday, according to Jewish law, but closing stores and ceasing to sell liquor from Friday night to Saturday night went over like a pregnant pole vaulter. So the Christians said "Our Sabbath" is now Sunday. So they tried that. And they they got all confused about the meaning of Sabbath and finally, quietly so no one could hear, they said, "Fuck it! We're open for business." And capitalism reigned for ever and ever. Amen.

In other words: money involved = screw the rules
people involved = screw the people

SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

Well around here they demand liquor stores are closed on Sundays, which sucks.

KeepFnThatChicken October 25, 2012 at 2:10 pm

Fuck him.

Joshua Norton October 25, 2012 at 2:11 pm

legalizing prostitution, incest and bestiality

Bestiality is always one of the first places their minds go with this shit. I get the distinct impression that all their pets and farm critters need to be provided with rape whistles.

Terry October 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm

I saw an ad on TV this week against the Marriage Equity Act that said if it passed, straight people who are against gay marriage could lose their jobs, be sued, or WORSE. It was in all honesty about the worst of the worst of political ads I've ever seen….and I spent a sizable amount of time living in Texas and Louisiana where politics is a blood sport.

finallyhappy October 25, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Terry, you need to just DVR! I haven't seen one of those ads- or signs(except on linefrom Maryland for Marriage Equality- showing us what the bigots are doing) although the Sobhani signs illegally placed around the county are pissing me off.

Terry October 25, 2012 at 2:43 pm

I normally do, but was watching the news. Sobhani's campaign ads are actually amusing. He's very earnest but just strings together platitudes into an incoherent mess.

soojank October 25, 2012 at 6:24 pm

He visited my class yesterday! His plan for rejuventing Baltimore is to knock down a blighted neighborhood (some part of Harford Ave., I think), rebuild new houses and have an organic, urban farm in the yards of all these houses. Then, people won't have buy food anymore and they can sell the rest to Whole Foods. The private sector will fund this program! I kid you not.

I think poverty is ignored too much but somehow I don't think this is the solution.

Actually, I'm going to see if he has this plan anywhere online.. this might be Wonkette-worthy.

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 2:14 pm

The Gays should be prohibited from marrying, because Religious Freedom! (Except for the Unitarians, Quakers, Universal Church of Christ, Episcopalians, Lutherans, Reform and Reconstructionist Jews, Neo-Pagans…)

MosesInvests October 25, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Conservative Jews, also, too.

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Good to know! Wikipedia sez that the movement towards that position has included a few relatively recent shifts, which is possibly why I did not know that.

delaney_blom October 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm

They forgot that gay marriage leads to polygamy, too.

And we all know what that leads to . . .

SorosBot October 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm

Mormons?

MissTaken October 25, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Mitt Romney?

elviouslyqueer October 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Smiting?

KeepFnThatChicken October 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Very tense dinners.

delaney_blom October 25, 2012 at 2:28 pm

I was thinking binders full of women, but all good answers.

BornInATrailer October 25, 2012 at 2:45 pm

An even longer honeydew list?

Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 3:04 pm
bargal20 October 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Hmm…prostitution has been legal here in Melbourne, Australia, since 1994 but gays still can't get married. Maybe the two aren't connected by a slippery slope after all?

No one touch "slippery slope", you racist bastards.

FlownOver October 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm

Exodus 21:7 (KJV):
"And if a man sell his daughter to be a maidservant, she shall not go out as the menservants do."

I call bullshit. A. Lincoln/L. Ledbetter 2012!

sullivanst October 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm

So what the good pastor fails to mention, of course, is that Paul also said there were a lot of other behaviors that were worthy of death:

Furthermore, just as they did not think it worthwhile to retain the knowledge of God, so God gave them over to a depraved mind, so that they do what ought not to be done. They have become filled with every kind of wickedness, evil, greed and depravity. They are full of envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy. Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

It's almost as if Paul was saying that those who lack love and mercy are deserving of death too! What say you now, meddlesome Priest?

barto October 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

And of course NOBODY on this very righteous panel of pious pontificators will EVER GET CAUGHT with a hooker/rent-boy/underage person/puppy/chicken/goat.

docterry6973 October 25, 2012 at 2:57 pm

Oh, dear me. Must we, yet again, make a list of all the capital offenses in Leviticus? If we can't find at least three that would condemn the good pastor to death, I will be very disappointed.

In my Biblical knowledge, I mean.

owhatever October 25, 2012 at 3:01 pm

The Christian we-love-everybody, pro-life crowd sure is into a lot of deathing today.

lulzmonger October 25, 2012 at 3:20 pm

Dead Hippy On A Stick had a name for these shitstains: Pharisee.

Dude better be prayin' REAL hard that his book's a fairytale (heh), because if it isn't, he's got an extra-crispy future in store.

Troglodeity October 25, 2012 at 3:37 pm

Well, at least after I get fired from my employer because I voted for Obama, I won't have too long to suffer before I die because I voted for gay marriage.

Blendergoathead October 25, 2012 at 9:40 pm

It's okay, Mittens is going to make us all Mormons after we're killed – so none of this really matters. Rim jobs for everyone!

ttommyunger October 25, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Silly me; all this time I thought there were only three stooges.

outragedcitizen October 26, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I got a .45 reason, why this bigoted smuck will go before I do.

zumpie October 25, 2012 at 2:55 pm

Yes. I sometimes lurk to take one for the team. And then run away in complete horror

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