hearts and vadges

Bill Clinton Finally Admits: Barack Obama Killed Vince Foster

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

Sound familiar?
Bill Clinton is apparently tired of Old Handsome Joe Biden making sweet wildcat love to all the old ladies, and has decided to come forth and steal your hearts and panties his own bad self. See him purring at you in all his roguish glory, where it says “read more.”


Hmmm, does it sound familiar? We forget, because from the time he signed the Welfare Act, through his kind of shitty remarks about our Bamz, and up until about two months ago, he has been persona non grata in our big bleeding hearts and vadges. Now though? All is sort of forgiven, kind of forgotten (not really), and possibly just a tiny bit damp.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • UnholyMoses

    Bubba just wants to make sure he can still go to parties and get laid.

    Though not necessarily in that order.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Oh, yeah, like he needs to worry about that.

      • UnholyMoses

        Excellent point …

  • nounverb911

    Wait! So who killed Breitbart?

    • asterixaverni

      My Little Pony.

      • zumpie

        Specifically Spike, with help from Pinkie Pie

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          "Pinkie Pie?!" That is not suitable for children!!

          • zumpie

            Now you know why the show's so popular with hetero adult dudes

          • zumpie

            Also, too: Spike is some weird little dragon thing. He's in love with a unicorn (Rarity). Just let your imagination run wild with that!

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            So this show is basically "Cute Avatar"?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Miscegenation?

            Is you, or is you ain't, mah constitchents?

          • tessiee

            Wouldn't we look like a bunch of Johnny-come-latelies, bragging on our own midget, doesn't matter how stumpy.

          • viennawoods13

            Well, at least I know you'll get the reference I made back in the stabby guy thread.

          • SorosBot

            And Pinkie Pie is the party animal; the Lohan of the pony set if you will.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            That's a shocker!!

          • Gleem McShineys

            ISWYDD*T

            *Did, digitally

      • HELisforHEL

        http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIY41LrvMFQ

        I can never watch this enough. And am always too happy to post it here.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Thank you, I think.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Vincent Foster's ghost.

    • BadKitty904

      Col. Mustard

      • TribecaMike

        In the Billiard Room, or the Cellar with envelope?

    • UnholyMoses

      That stoned lizard in the foreground of that MLP pic Doc Zoom posted in the thread just below this one.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Jennifer Rubin. In the mosh pit. With a 36"-inch spiked dildo.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Joe Queenan, in E. Graydon Carter's corner office, with an X-acto knife.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        (Clenches)

        • elviouslyqueer

          You know that only encourages her.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (runs screaming)

    • SorosBot

      A Mr. Jack Daniels.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        Jack Daniel. Singular.

        *scoff* Yankees.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      The NFL for rebroadcasting a game with only implied oral permission?

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      It was me. I didn't mean too, but he asked me for the bath salts, and I … misunderstood.

    • HelmutNewton

      Sirhan Sirhan

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Breitbart killed Brietbart, really. People like that always die from the inside out, being consumed alive by their, bile, bitterness and hatefulness.

      Unless they get shot or hit by a bus first, which didn't happen in this case.

      • KeepFnThatChicken

        That was the other October surprise Trumpy was working on.

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      Could it be God, Davy?

      • Fare la Volpe

        COTW. Everypony go home!

    • Fare la Volpe

      J.R.

    • Dr_Zoidberg

      Hitler!

    • BadKitty904

      The dichotomy of good and evil.

    • Tommy1733
      • Geminisunmars

        Someday he will be missed.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Only if people are hurling something. Other than their insides, of course.

    • SorosBot

      Well, after all, it was you and me.

    • Doktor Zoom

      I would just like to point out that Andrew Breitbart died on March 1.

      Rebecca Schoenkopf took charge of Wonkette on March 2.

      I do not believe in coincidences.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        You're saying Wonkette was her reward?

      • HogeyeGrex

        Hmmmm. Well, I never have seen them in the same room…

    • tessiee

      Well, after all, it was you and me.

      Oh, DAMN it!

  • Barbara_

    Bill owes Barack Obama for giving his wife, Hillary a job where she travels a lot.

    • nounverb911

      When Hill retires to run for 2016 can Bill have the job?

      • mull_man

        Bill gets a "job" every lovin' day.

    • tihond

      And Huma Abedin as an assistant.

      • sullivanst

        Huma's been part of Team Hillz for much longer than Barry's had any say over it.

      • Esteev

        I'm madly in love with her. Regardless if she's a Muslin or not.

        • Negropolis

          Ummm, WTF?

          • iTuna

            I think the use of the Wonkette colloquial 'Muslin' indicates sarcasm.

  • Tealiban

    So that's why they called him slick Willy…

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Why is Bubba in such a small, tight little box? Because that's how he likes it!

    • MozakiBlocks

      Huzzzah!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It's like a binder full of women, only not so many

    • elviouslyqueer

      Hey-Yo!

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Just waiting for Her Ladyship to fix the video window size so my joke don't make sense no more!

        • Geminisunmars

          We will rememb…huh?

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            SMALL TIGHT LITTLE BOX NEVER FORGET

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Hey man, if you weren't there, you just don't understand!!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          …and there it goes! Thanks a lot, Ms. Thang!!

          • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

            Don't worry. We will always remember your tight little box. I mean… fuck.

          • BadKitty904

            Get a room, you two.

    • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

      Ba dump bump!

      Chet Kincaid, folks!

      Hell be here all night.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Hell? HELL? (cuddles the LittleStar)

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Gah. Typo. Hi z.

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Because telling a joke on Wonkette is so unusual, it must be pointed out?

        • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

          Nah, just when it is a particularly excellent joke:)

        • Barbara_

          Chet, grab my hand! Let's get out of here and go meet Lizzie for cocktails and laughs.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      Small, tight little box? Bristle Palin libel!

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    Eight years of peace and prosperity unparalleled in the history of the entire fucking planet.

    It's kind of hard to criticize any President who can pull that off.

    • elviouslyqueer

      And look good doing it!

      *furtively hides damp Y-fronts*

      • Tommy1733

        Y-fronts? Who wears those?

        • elviouslyqueer

          THIS GUY.

          • Fare la Volpe

            So long as they're pink.

          • Tommy1733

            Pictures, please? [wink]

        • Gleem McShineys

          Why not?

    • asterixaverni

      True.

      It's the whole getting a blow job in the oval office, getting caught and lying about it and giving the rethuglicans several years of bullshit and venom to spew that pisses me off.

      But otherwise? Best President since Truman.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        If the past four years have demonstrated anything, it's that they didn't need an excuse to find something. It didn't help that he handed them one, but they would have made shit up anyway

        • Lascauxcaveman

          But made up shit wouldn't have stuck to Al Gore so much, thereby bringing us 8 lovely years of W. I know it *shouldn't* have stuck to Gore anyway, but realistically, it probably cost him a couple points in the polls. Which was enough.

        • HogeyeGrex

          Fuck, they spent upwards of $70 million on Kenny's Awesome Fishing Expedition And Deep Colonoscopy looking for shit that didn't exist, and spewing made up bs when they couldn't find anything real.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        For giving us eight years of peace, prosperity, and balanced budgets, I think he deserved a blow job. Rethugs were jealous, is all.

    • CindynEncinitas

      He used to look good. Now he is looking like a grandpa. He still has echoes of roguishness, but he's going to turn into a perv if he doesn't mind his zipper… Turkey neck=not sexy.

      • Geminisunmars

        You don't know what you are missing.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Thank you. (preen)

          • Geminisunmars

            Gobble. Gobble.

          • CindynEncinitas

            Withdrawn.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            That's what she said!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Nothing like being gobbled by a Sexy Lady, GANGNAM STYLE!

          • CindynEncinitas

            You better watch out. My divorce is final in about a month…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Ooh, baby, baby!

          • tessiee

            I always hear that as Open Condom Style.
            And now everyone else will, too.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I found out today that Gangnam is an expensive suburb of Seoul, sort of a yuppie district, and the song is supposed to be mocking the residents for their competitive, showoff ways. All of a sudden it's more interesting!

    • Esteev

      How do we get back there?!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Well, there's that time machine that allowed me to go back four hours and post the last thread subject in Wonkville…

    • tessiee

      Yes, thank god THAT nightmare is over:
      http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-na

      • PennyDreadful

        Frighteningly prescient!

  • chicken_thief

    Bill is so smooth that even Herman Cain gets a wide on when he talks.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      (cleans ears)

      I heard "white-on" for a minute. Musta been Andy Breitbart and the "whitey" tape that did it.

    • tessiee

      I think I can speak for all of us when I say:
      EWWWWW HEW HEW!!!

  • PuckStopsHere

    Yeah, but HE GOT A BLOW JOB, REMEMBER!!!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      *shrug*

      Some guys have all the luck.

    • BadKitty904

      And that's a bad thing…how?

      • Shypixel

        I do seem to remember something about lying under oath, y'know, committing perjury…

        • BadKitty904

          I was 4-years-old when this guy was elected, so I'm fuzzy on the details, but anybody who can drive the Repugs into a foaming, shrieking frenzy of rage by just walking onto a stage is OK by me.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Good Lord, don't they card in this establishment?!

          • BadKitty904

            Aw, man…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            It's OK. (rubs the Kitty ears)

            We DON'T card.

          • BadKitty904

            *purrs*

          • Fare la Volpe

            That's the motto of Limbaugh's favorite escort service.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Faaaaaaa-reeeee? You would know this how?

            Happy birthday, sweetcheeks! (kisses all four)

          • HELisforHEL

            Ha! I hear you. 4 years old…I was, uh…(counting on fingers, getting depressed)…
            Well, if they card, I have my AARP laminate in my purse.
            Sigh.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (Rubs YOUR ears too) We don't card, sweetheart. You're just fine. Cute and sexy too. So there.

          • BadKitty904

            Hear, hear!

          • HELisforHEL

            Hee!

          • emmelemm

            X 1,000

            What the everloving fuck?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You need an ear-rub too, sweetpea?

          • emmelemm

            Yes, please. Also, why am I so old? Why are there people commenting here who could be my CHILDREN??

            Mercy!!1!!

          • BadKitty904

            You should be *PROUD* of that, not sad! :0)

          • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

            Even if we have grandbabies who are old enough to legally join us at a Wonkette drinky meet-up?

          • BadKitty904

            *ESPECIALLY* if you have grandbabies who are old enough to legally join you at a Wonkette drinky meet-up! :0)

            Hells, I'll be proud as dammit if my grandkids turn out cool and not be dickheads or anything…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (rubs your ears) Listen, be grateful they're NOT your children, or they'd be giving you lip. I don't know why you are so old, but I am too. I think we got ripped off, and should complain, but until someone sets up a proper complaint department, I'm'a hang out here and snark.

          • SorosBot

            And here I was getting used to having one place online where I could be the young one instead of one of the old farts.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            You're still a spring chicken, so stop reminding us.

          • SorosBot

            Hey, I'm so old I was able to vote for Bill Clinton. At least it was only for his reelection, but still, seeing that people who were still children then are now adults makes me feel all ancient.

            And looking at how the "you must be born before" sign in bars is now up to fucking 1991 is really depressing.

          • Geminisunmars

            Does it help to know the way you are feeling now is how I felt in '91?

          • SorosBot

            Just hand me my AARP card while I watch NCIS and Castle.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Oh wow, those are the TV Signifiers of Old, now? Good thing I don't watch them! I'm down with your "2 Drunk Bitches" and "How I Hit On Your Mother" and "Once Upon Grimm's Beast," Kids!!

          • Fare la Volpe

            You especially like those nice young people on New Jersey Beach.

          • tessiee

            Maaaaaaatlock!!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, god, am I robbing the CRADLE by flirting with you?

          • Geminisunmars

            My cradle could use a good rubbing about now. Oh, you said…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Is *that* what it's called, these days?

          • Geminisunmars

            Well, you know, the shape is kind of cradleish.

          • gullywompr

            Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I'm not even going to tell you about all the things that were invented in my lifetime that you take for granted, because you're a clever little fucker and will figure out exactly how old I am, and then I will haz a TREMENDOUS SADZ.

            However, when my Dad was growing up, street lighting was still gas, and he rode in one of the first automobiles made.

          • Geminisunmars

            When my mother was born, women couldn't vote (in this country).

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Mine was born the year women in this country got the vote. So I guess I'm NOT robbing the cradle.

          • Geminisunmars

            Prolly not. Although my mother was considered "old," in that day's standard, when my bro and I were born. (My hubby is 26 years my senior. I always did like the older gents.)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            (preen)

          • bobbert

            Ditto.

          • docterry6973

            Clinton? I voted for McGovern.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            The girl in "Hey Nineteen" turned 51 this year! Of course you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

          • Geminisunmars

            wtf are you talking about?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I hope he's talking about Steely Dan, but ya never know with Chet.

          • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

            Could it be the Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian? Just guessing.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            I went to a Steely Dan show in the late '80s. We had lawn seats. We looked down at a vast sea of bald pates, bobbing in unison, even back then.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Jesus! At least I inherited the hair genes.

          • UnholyMoses

            We should really make tonight a wonderful thing.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Which would have stillmade her jailbait for Walter Becker

          • tessiee

            Wait…
            If she was 19 "way back when, in '67", that would make her born in '48, so uh…
            minus the wallaby…
            64, I think.

          • bobbert

            Gaucho was released in 1980.

          • Esteev

            I was 10 when he was elected and I was jealous because all I was getting were self-inflicted handjees.

            I do remember thinking, "When I grow up, I wanna get a blow job." And you know what, I got that blowie.

            Thanks, Mr President.

          • Geminisunmars

            We all need role models.

          • Lascauxcaveman

            Ironically, I had just gotten married at that time, and my blow job days ended quite abruptly.

          • proudgrampa

            Is there Sex after Marriage?

            Discuss.

          • UnholyMoses

            Yes.

            But I type that because (no joke): way back in my college days, I worked with a guy who told me that if you had to all but beg for a blowjob when dating a girl, or if she just doesn't seem that into it, you will never get one once married.

            NEVER.

            EVER.

            Thankfully, I married well.

            Very, very, very well …

            ::smiles::

            ::texts The Mrs, "THANK YOU!"::

          • Fare la Volpe

            You treat that beautiful woman right tonight. Light some candles, scatter some rose petals, and play the most romantic Weird Al Yankovic CD you can find.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            *Some*body's in a *mood,* today. Musta had a *hot* date last night.

          • UnholyMoses

            I clean the kitchen and bathrooms. And do the laundry.

            Trust me: Many women will find that MUCH sexier than rose petals. (Well, at least one does.)

            But Weird Al? Yeah … I can't compete with that.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yeah, the little lady I flirt with at work always says she wants two, one to cook and the other to do the housework. I guess nobody wants to do the scutwork. I thought my wife would, but she just trained me to do it, and then she likes to supervise and point out stuff I missed. :(

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            She's at the office when she suddenly gets this text from the hubbers. "Hmm," she wonders. "What IS that sly fucker up to? To what, I ask, is he up?"

            Better NOT bring home flowers. Unless, of course, she's NOT the jealous type, in which case, congrats. (glowers enviously)

          • tessiee

            Yes, but you'll wish there weren't.
            $: – (

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I don't know why guys don't seem to get that wedding ring=end of bjs.

          • BadKitty904

            Is that a straight thing?

          • Fare la Volpe

            God I hope so.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Bed death gets us all, baby. Luckily, the gay male community seems to deal with it by opening up the relationship. Seems to work. Except for the occasional bitchfests when y'all end up at the same party with all the OTHER people both of you are fucking.

          • poorgradstudent

            I don't know how it works in Hetero World, but where I come from you gotta pitch if you wanna receive.

          • BadKitty904

            Dude, date more Latin guys… ;0)

          • viennawoods13

            Oh yes, that goes in hetero world too.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            All I know is, during the Clinton years I made a shitload of money, bought a beautiful house that I will always love, and enjoyed the best that life has to offer. Life was GOOD for eight long years. Very, very good.

          • BadKitty904

            Now, contrast that with Dubya's Reign of Terror…

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I don't have to. The eight years that followed Clinton were, literally, the worst fucking years of my life. Death, loss, injury, surgery, financial hell, layoff. I try not to wish anyone ill because *I* don't want the bad karma of being entangled with their shit for the next million lives, but Gee Dumbya has a very special place in my … bestiary.

          • Geminisunmars

            But now you have…us.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yes. And happy as that makes me, it also gives me kinky ideas for my bestiary.

          • BadKitty904

            Which, so far, seems kinda…nice. :0)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, it's very … nice, here. We are all … very … nice.

            (looks around furtively for the CRE_ature)

          • tessiee

            It was a bad, no good, very bad time for a lot of us, and for the country. As a good friend of mine said, "America almost died".

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yah. Just about everyone I know suffered. I'm not complaining, I had it better than many other folks. At least I still have my house.

          • HELisforHEL

            We used to marvel at how good things were, how we finally crawled out from that Reagan/Bush I cloud of yeehaw, religious nuttery and small mindedness and figured it couldn't possibly go backwards and all go to shit.
            And then Bush got elected and here we are.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Remember how happy we were about the "peace dividend"?

          • proudgrampa

            Jeez. I cannot believe how much our lives parallel…

            Freakin' scary.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            We *could* be twins separated at birth, yaknow. (Hugs you affectionately)

          • proudgrampa

            That, or you can be my "brotha from anotha motha!"

            (gives you BIG hug back)

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Yeah. That works. (Wash the Cain off it first, tho, OK?)

          • Fare la Volpe

            Get out of here, you damn whippersnapper!

            *he says, having just turned 25 last night*

          • BadKitty904

            Aw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dude! :0)

          • Esteev

            Happy Happy!

          • CindynEncinitas

            Oh for fuck's sake!

          • SorosBot

            And happy B-day, former youngest!

          • Fare la Volpe

            *pops a stool softener, cracks a hip*

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Here, blow DIS out….

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Slut.

          • Fare la Volpe

            Aww thanks!

          • UnholyMoses

            I have socks older than you.

            Seriously. I do.

          • gullywompr

            My son now wears my Grateful Dead, Red Rocks '83 shirt. <sniff>

          • Esteev

            That shirt is my age. They don't make 'em like the used to. The shirts I mean.

          • gullywompr

            Ya know, at the time, I felt funny for being only 6 years old when the Acid Tests were going on, and wondered if the original Deadheads would think a yungun like me was a poser. Turns out, they didn't.

            T-shirts are the same now as they were then also too.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I have a fucking wardrobe full of clothes older than him, jeez.

          • BadKitty904

            *tries to visualize a 26-year-old sock*

          • finallyhappy

            shit- you are younger than my kids!

          • Fare la Volpe

            They could really use some money, you know.

          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Hope you had a good time!

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Time to post an updated pic, dude. Every crow'sfoot and wrinkle.

          • BadKitty904

            Is it too late for birthday spankings?

          • elviouslyqueer

            It is NEVER too late for a spanking.

            Wait, what?

          • Fare la Volpe

            No sir, but I get to wear the collar this time!

          • BadKitty904

            Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

        • UnholyMoses

          Which is only a crime when a Democrat does it.

          When officials from the Reagan or Bush administrations do it, it's totes cool.

          • Esteev

            But his was consensual… wait, why were they so pissed off again?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Because they weren't getting any?

          • BadKitty904

            Sounds about right…

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            There are more than a few congressional wives who would object to that premise. With Divorce papers.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, yay, let's spread the news!

          • HistoriCat

            Or too much (e.g., Newt Gingrich).

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            I think Newt's a cheap deal. One bj and he's yours (ecch) for life, or until the next bj comes along.

          • HistoriCat

            Yours for life … you call that cheap?!?

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Eccch ack thpfttth

    • zumpie

      Also, too, White Water!!!

      • LesBontemps

        And Travel-Gate!

        (Fuck you, Dick Nixon, for making "gate" the suffix for every political scandal.)

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      I remember getting a blow job once…, good times.

      • UnholyMoses

        So do I.

        But it was just two days ago, so … ya know …

        • Geminisunmars

          Braggart.

      • emmelemm

        Was it back in the 90s?

    • TribecaMike

      There's something about Monica.

      • PuckStopsHere

        120 replies? What in the fuck did I say, anyway?

        • BadKitty904

          I'm pretty damn impressed by that, myownself…

  • Lucidamente1

    The Editrix wants to buy Handsome Joe a Trans-Am. You know what she wants to buy for the Big Dog?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Fix his transmission?

    • UnholyMoses

      A Firebird?

    • asterixaverni

      She wants to strap her hands across his engine?

    • BadKitty904

      Anything he wants?

    • CindynEncinitas

      A tune-up???

    • MissTaken

      A cigar?

    • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

      New astroturf for his El Dorado?

    • Esteev

      A big desk?

    • Fare la Volpe

      A new blue dress!

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      A lube job?

  • Shypixel

    But…. There is no "Read More" link….

    • Geminisunmars

      Run!! It is a faux Wonkette!

    • Fare la Volpe

      It's a CONSPIRACY!!

  • frostbitefalls

    Oh Bill, when you twinkle at me like that, all is forgiven.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Pretty much, huh? Charming old sod.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Oh Billy, even with your bullshit NAFTA, and welfare act, you're still more lib'ral than Bamz, now I gave myself a sad.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      No, he isn't. Bamz just has to walk a much finer line because BLAH. I suspect he'll flower in his second term, so go out there and VOTE.

      • Esteev

        Excellent advice. But one question: Do I become Black if I vote for one?

        • Fare la Volpe

          Yes. Blackness operates under the transitive property, like quadratics, or gay.

          • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

            Or vampires. Like Sidney Applebaum.

          • HogeyeGrex

            Love that book.

        • Geminisunmars

          Only if you are very lucky.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          It rubs off. C'mere, I'll show you. (Rubs against Esteev)

      • CrunchyKnee

        By flower, do you mean not kill innocent browns with drones and such? Maybe cut back on the spying of Americans? Wokka wokka, I got a million of 'em. And yeah, I already held my nose and voted for Bamz. My snark is dying on the vine, I need a martini.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          (Hugs you) Here. Drink. (Hands CrunchyKnee a martini, shaken not stirred)

    • Lascauxcaveman

      "Politics is the art of the possible." The 90s were a different time, man.

      • CrunchyKnee

        True.

        I have a joke.

        Q: What is the difference between a cow and 911?
        A: You cannot milk a cow for 11 years.

        • Esteev

          HAHAHaha… uh, did I just laugh at war?

          I'm a dick.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Poutrage is so 2011.

  • gullywompr

    OK, now I know to go as Bill Clinton for Halloween. See you at the party, Bex.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Oh hell. I'd fuck him. And I'm straight.

    • Disassembly

      You chickenhawk fucker.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Sure, that's what *you* say.

  • PhilippePetain

    Well, with Clinton, you're damped if you do and damped if you don't.

  • Estproph

    I can't wait until 2016, when the repubs send out Dubya to campaign for them.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      They ain't gonna send Dubya, Romney, or McCain. They'll just have to figure out how to resuscitate Reagan.

      • Esteev

        Hologram technology will be cheap then. I just hope Karl Rove gets hit by a car full of votes.

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Or a trash truck of diverted voter registration forms. Whichever can happen more quickly and more frequently. Your mileage may vary.

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            Oh, YEAH. Boy, you sure do know how to make a body happy, J_W.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          TWO cars full.

  • chicken_thief

    Oh, shit. Here comes another investigation from The Dumbass and that fucking sheriff in AZ….

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Bill: "Shazam!"
    Biden: "Trans Am."

    Without being able to view the vid my imagination tells me all I need to know whose* motor has the more lethal purrrrr…

    *(hint: as the older gent, his current age is 69)

  • Antispandex

    Killed ONE guy? Just one? Wow, that isn't even trying very hard. Shrub did WAY better. This could change my vote.

  • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

    There is nothing like the Big Dog.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Why did I read that as "BigDong"? WHY?

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    So will Egg tip a trollop to the Clinton years and go to the Koch Halloween Party wearing knee pads with a purse full of lip balm?

    • JustPixelz

      Perhaps Mitt only wants to be POTUS for the BJs.

      • Mittaplasia

        We already learned on Wonkette that Mormons aren't allowed to do sex things with their mouths. I imagine that would be true if you were on the receiving end, as well, also, too.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The Big Dog walks at dawn!

  • Disassembly

    To all those who insist on bringing up the situation with that woman, Miss Lewinsky: Bill Clinton wasn't acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      It felt reallllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy good.

    • Esteev

      Lady Liberty has needs too.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        They say the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots, from time to time.

        However, the root prefers good head.

        • BoatOfVelociraptors

          So THAT's why they're against hormonal birth control…

    • rickmaci

      And they complied with the Geneva Position, errr Convention.

    • oenspiek

      The United States puts up with a lot of shit, and deserves a nice bj once in a while.

    • docterry6973

      Bill Clinton is a great American. Anything for his country.

    • Negropolis

      I'd say off all the things done "in the name of the United States", this ranks as one of the least of our sins, wouldn't you? I find this beating of a dead horse particularly irrelevant when you consider what the subsequent president did "in the name of the United States."

    • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

      In that case, Thank you, Monica!

  • mavenmaven

    Needs more sax

  • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

    In the vadges TOO? Man, Bill gets around.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Hell, even the Republicans are trying to claim his legacy now — I think Newt started it with his "We balanced the budget" bullshit. Not fooled.

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You know, if the Democrats were at all good at playing dirty tricks, they would send Bill out to seduce Egg Romney.

    • CrunchyKnee

      I think Bill likes real vadge instead of synthetic/automated, but one never knows.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    "making sweet wildcat love"

    I love this. I do. I do. I do.

    • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

      Obviously, y'all know doodly squat about wildcat fucking. A fearsome thing, indeed.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        I can imagine though, that it is loud.

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          I think all felines are induced ovulators, which means that in order for the female to conceive, they need some rough sex. Now, rough sex with a critter that weighs about the same as you (if you're the poor male) and comes with about FIFTY really sharp and pointy fings that could take your eye out if you're not lucky, is a complicated maneuver. It isn't helped by the fact that estrus in feline females causes them to act really crazy. A combination of aggressive and submissive. So the female is all yowling and rolling around, showing off her claws and fearsome teeth, and the boys are all around her in a circle wondering which one's gonna be brave enough to get his face ripped off first, and the trick is to eeeeeench closer little by little until they can get their teeth in the scruff of her neck and overpower her by sheer weight. They have barbs on their penises (which induce the ovulation) so sex is probably somewhat painful for the female. And yes, it's pretty fucking loud. The males get scratched and bit something fierce once they let go, too.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            OUCH

          • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

            HAhahaha! I'm an expert on cat sex, having patched kittehs up afterwards for years.

  • JadedPreppy

    I took a photo with him in the 90's and I accidentally grabbed the flab roll around his waist, which was too familiar, obvs. As soon as the flash bulb went off, he elbowed me in the ribs so hard and walked away. I was traumatized for about a decade, but I'm finally able to see his charming side.

    • Limeylizzie

      That is kind of awesome.

    • Geminisunmars

      You're just lucky he didn't ask for a bj.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Or pull out the cigars.

      • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

        Do we *know* he didn't?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      His elbow…is a highly-decorated Secret Service Agent. He is, the Most Interesting Ex-President In The World.

      • JadedPreppy

        Chet, I felt a lot of shame for a long time, as if I should have been sent to the Emily Post version of Gitmo for my social faux pas.

  • kyeshinka

    Is Presiden' Clinton goan do jahv talkin' too?

  • Tealiban

    Please tell me this doesn't mean that Bamz has to stop singing Al Green…

  • Trinket

    I would like to be the center of a Joe Biden/Bill Clinton sammich.

    • BadKitty904

      Daddy-palooza! :0O

      • Fare la Volpe

        Fare approves this Silver Fox Daddy Sandwich.

        • BadKitty904

          Yeah, buddy!

        • http://www.kalimao.blogspot.com MittBorg

          Woo-HOO!

        • Jus_Wonderin

          Think they might pay my rent? I'm game……..

  • Limeylizzie

    I would totally pull a three-way with me, Bill and Handsome Joe and , probably, a fist-full of Viagra.

  • ElPinche

    Shiiit, Bubba be chuckin and jivin cuz he got a Arkansas white snake 'tween dohs ivory feet stumps (whatever "legs" in jive).

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Google needs to add jive to their translator.

  • HarryButtle

    Barry and the choom gang was just tryin' to carjack ol' Vince, and the motherfucker wouldn't give up his ride. So Bamz said, "Take this, you punk-ass bitch!" and put a cap in his fuckin' ass.

    I'm sorry, I was told we're speaking jive today. That's all I got.

  • YouBetcha

    I'd hit that. I would.

  • poorgradstudent

    In contrast to the Clinton praise going on up above, I have to say that I do think in some ways Bill Clinton did let the cracks in the foundation stay when he didn't do more to clean up Reagan's crappy legacy. Also, too, that whole "steering the whole Democratic party to the right" thing…

    But I am also absolutely convinced that if we ended up with at least 4 years of Gore we would be talking about a nice, respectable "Hey we're like Britain in the '60s" decline instead of a "Holy shit I've been unemployed for two years and this country is going all 'Handmaiden's Tale' so is my passport up to date?" decline.

    • Negropolis

      My whole take on the DLC thing wa that it was a cynical ploy in recognition of the reality of the times. Clinton moved the party right and still had a tough time winning, even with Perot in the thing. Imagine if they'd have kept running Mondales and Dukakises, and I say that as a liberal.

      • poorgradstudent

        I agree that there were pragmatic reasons, but I don't think it had to be inevitable. Also I really think Clinton and Obama are sincere subscribers to the ideas of neoliberalism, so I really can't see them as just being purely reactive in the neoliberal takeover of the political mainstream.

        Of course, there's no way to debate the point without delving into a bunch of what-ifs, yet I really can't believe or accept that there's no way a viable Left can function, even in today's climate!

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Well he was the first black prez. Just sayin'

  • glamourdammerung

    But the whole triangulation nonsense gave us such wonderful things as Lieberman and the "Blue Dogs".

  • Lazy Media

    Face it, libtards, Barry and my man Bill are as liberal as you get, because Amurica is not going to vote for anyone to the left of that, or reelect/work with anybody who TURNS to the left of that. You get hawkish, neoliberal Democrats and like it, because the alternatives are all Batman villains with clear and distinct plans to ruin America/the world.

    • Esteev

      Both options work for me.

      • TribecaMike

        Me too, especially if Eartha Kitt is involved.

  • MozakiBlocks

    True story – On the morning of 9/11 after I'd managed to get myself together and go to the office, nice older lady who I would have sworn was a Republican, said to me "I wish Bill Clinton was still president, this never would have happened if he was."

    One of the few times in my life, I've been rendered speechless.

  • Detesticle

    Back in the Clinton years, whenever a Republican dude would bitch about Bill, I would look at him astonished, pause, and remind him, "He is the BLOWJOB President, mannnn! Are you a traitor to men?"

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Since they are Republicans, they're probably angry he got his BJ from an icky girl.

  • rabritz

    Look who has a damp vadge for Bill, Hilery is out of town a lot

  • Fox n Fiends

    Hillary 2016 is going to be a lot of fun….

  • mosjef

    Eee-haw! Cain't get enuf of ole possum breath!

  • http://www.southsidejohnny.com/ Jukesgrrl

    FINALLY!! I can say, "I'd still hit that."

  • ttommyunger

    For all his good looks, talent, brains and charisma; he never understood the difference between Bill Clinton and the President of the United States. He damaged his legacy, his family and his Country for a little strange. Sure, I've gotten blowjobs on the job, but I honestly think I would have managed to fly straight for four years under that kind of responsibility. There are times you just rein yourself in for a while, it can be done.

    • Negropolis

      Why is it that some people get all up in arms about Clinton's infidelities, but history kindly remembers sex-obsessed Kennedy? Is it because Kennedy was murdered? Is it because Clinton actually got caught?

      Just saying, but I can think of far worse president who were better men than either. I can be disappointed with Clinton on a moral level, but I fail to see how endangered the nation. I'd take a Clinton over a Buchanan any day of the week. I just don't get why his sins are judged so harshly when we let off the hook those who have exterminated Native Americans or let the nation fall into war.

      • ttommyunger

        I voted for Bubba twice, but I feel he let me down and it was all so avoidable and unnecessary.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    now that's a 3 AM call we can all agree on.

  • DrunkIrishman

    BUT WHERE'S DUBYA'S VIDEO FOR MITT TELLIN' US TO GO BACK TO THE 00S?!?

  • ghblowhard

    I just got damp looking at this ONCE! And possibly pregnant.