Bill Clinton Finally Admits: Barack Obama Killed Vince Foster

  hearts and vadges

Sound familiar?
Bill Clinton is apparently tired of Old Handsome Joe Biden making sweet wildcat love to all the old ladies, and has decided to come forth and steal your hearts and panties his own bad self. See him purring at you in all his roguish glory, where it says “read more.”


Hmmm, does it sound familiar? We forget, because from the time he signed the Welfare Act, through his kind of shitty remarks about our Bamz, and up until about two months ago, he has been persona non grata in our big bleeding hearts and vadges. Now though? All is sort of forgiven, kind of forgotten (not really), and possibly just a tiny bit damp.

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

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345 comments

  1. UnholyMoses

    Bubba just wants to make sure he can still go to parties and get laid.

    Though not necessarily in that order.

          1. zumpie

            Also, too: Spike is some weird little dragon thing. He's in love with a unicorn (Rarity). Just let your imagination run wild with that!

          2. tessiee

            Wouldn't we look like a bunch of Johnny-come-latelies, bragging on our own midget, doesn't matter how stumpy.

    1. UnholyMoses

      That stoned lizard in the foreground of that MLP pic Doc Zoom posted in the thread just below this one.

    2. Lascauxcaveman

      Breitbart killed Brietbart, really. People like that always die from the inside out, being consumed alive by their, bile, bitterness and hatefulness.

      Unless they get shot or hit by a bus first, which didn't happen in this case.

    3. Doktor Zoom

      I would just like to point out that Andrew Breitbart died on March 1.

      Rebecca Schoenkopf took charge of Wonkette on March 2.

      I do not believe in coincidences.

  2. actor212

    Eight years of peace and prosperity unparalleled in the history of the entire fucking planet.

    It's kind of hard to criticize any President who can pull that off.

    1. asterixaverni

      True.

      It's the whole getting a blow job in the oval office, getting caught and lying about it and giving the rethuglicans several years of bullshit and venom to spew that pisses me off.

      But otherwise? Best President since Truman.

      1. actor212

        If the past four years have demonstrated anything, it's that they didn't need an excuse to find something. It didn't help that he handed them one, but they would have made shit up anyway

        1. Lascauxcaveman

          But made up shit wouldn't have stuck to Al Gore so much, thereby bringing us 8 lovely years of W. I know it *shouldn't* have stuck to Gore anyway, but realistically, it probably cost him a couple points in the polls. Which was enough.

        2. HogeyeGrex

          Fuck, they spent upwards of $70 million on Kenny's Awesome Fishing Expedition And Deep Colonoscopy looking for shit that didn't exist, and spewing made up bs when they couldn't find anything real.

      2. Biel_ze_Bubba

        For giving us eight years of peace, prosperity, and balanced budgets, I think he deserved a blow job. Rethugs were jealous, is all.

    2. CindynEncinitas

      He used to look good. Now he is looking like a grandpa. He still has echoes of roguishness, but he's going to turn into a perv if he doesn't mind his zipper… Turkey neck=not sexy.

          1. MittBorg

            I found out today that Gangnam is an expensive suburb of Seoul, sort of a yuppie district, and the song is supposed to be mocking the residents for their competitive, showoff ways. All of a sudden it's more interesting!

        1. BadKitty904

          I was 4-years-old when this guy was elected, so I'm fuzzy on the details, but anybody who can drive the Repugs into a foaming, shrieking frenzy of rage by just walking onto a stage is OK by me.

          1. HELisforHEL

            Ha! I hear you. 4 years old…I was, uh…(counting on fingers, getting depressed)…
            Well, if they card, I have my AARP laminate in my purse.
            Sigh.

          2. emmelemm

            Yes, please. Also, why am I so old? Why are there people commenting here who could be my CHILDREN??

            Mercy!!1!!

          3. BadKitty904

            *ESPECIALLY* if you have grandbabies who are old enough to legally join you at a Wonkette drinky meet-up! :0)

            Hells, I'll be proud as dammit if my grandkids turn out cool and not be dickheads or anything…

          4. MittBorg

            (rubs your ears) Listen, be grateful they're NOT your children, or they'd be giving you lip. I don't know why you are so old, but I am too. I think we got ripped off, and should complain, but until someone sets up a proper complaint department, I'm'a hang out here and snark.

          5. SorosBot

            And here I was getting used to having one place online where I could be the young one instead of one of the old farts.

          6. SorosBot

            Hey, I'm so old I was able to vote for Bill Clinton. At least it was only for his reelection, but still, seeing that people who were still children then are now adults makes me feel all ancient.

            And looking at how the "you must be born before" sign in bars is now up to fucking 1991 is really depressing.

          7. Chet Kincaid_

            Oh wow, those are the TV Signifiers of Old, now? Good thing I don't watch them! I'm down with your "2 Drunk Bitches" and "How I Hit On Your Mother" and "Once Upon Grimm's Beast," Kids!!

          8. MittBorg

            I'm not even going to tell you about all the things that were invented in my lifetime that you take for granted, because you're a clever little fucker and will figure out exactly how old I am, and then I will haz a TREMENDOUS SADZ.

            However, when my Dad was growing up, street lighting was still gas, and he rode in one of the first automobiles made.

          9. Geminisunmars

            Prolly not. Although my mother was considered "old," in that day's standard, when my bro and I were born. (My hubby is 26 years my senior. I always did like the older gents.)

          10. tessiee

            Wait…
            If she was 19 "way back when, in '67", that would make her born in '48, so uh…
            minus the wallaby…
            64, I think.

          11. Esteev

            I was 10 when he was elected and I was jealous because all I was getting were self-inflicted handjees.

            I do remember thinking, "When I grow up, I wanna get a blow job." And you know what, I got that blowie.

            Thanks, Mr President.

          12. Lascauxcaveman

            Ironically, I had just gotten married at that time, and my blow job days ended quite abruptly.

          13. UnholyMoses

            Yes.

            But I type that because (no joke): way back in my college days, I worked with a guy who told me that if you had to all but beg for a blowjob when dating a girl, or if she just doesn't seem that into it, you will never get one once married.

            NEVER.

            EVER.

            Thankfully, I married well.

            Very, very, very well …

            ::smiles::

            ::texts The Mrs, "THANK YOU!"::

          14. Fare la Volpe

            You treat that beautiful woman right tonight. Light some candles, scatter some rose petals, and play the most romantic Weird Al Yankovic CD you can find.

          15. UnholyMoses

            I clean the kitchen and bathrooms. And do the laundry.

            Trust me: Many women will find that MUCH sexier than rose petals. (Well, at least one does.)

            But Weird Al? Yeah … I can't compete with that.

          16. MittBorg

            Yeah, the little lady I flirt with at work always says she wants two, one to cook and the other to do the housework. I guess nobody wants to do the scutwork. I thought my wife would, but she just trained me to do it, and then she likes to supervise and point out stuff I missed. :(

          17. MittBorg

            She's at the office when she suddenly gets this text from the hubbers. "Hmm," she wonders. "What IS that sly fucker up to? To what, I ask, is he up?"

            Better NOT bring home flowers. Unless, of course, she's NOT the jealous type, in which case, congrats. (glowers enviously)

          18. MittBorg

            Bed death gets us all, baby. Luckily, the gay male community seems to deal with it by opening up the relationship. Seems to work. Except for the occasional bitchfests when y'all end up at the same party with all the OTHER people both of you are fucking.

          19. poorgradstudent

            I don't know how it works in Hetero World, but where I come from you gotta pitch if you wanna receive.

          20. MittBorg

            All I know is, during the Clinton years I made a shitload of money, bought a beautiful house that I will always love, and enjoyed the best that life has to offer. Life was GOOD for eight long years. Very, very good.

          21. MittBorg

            I don't have to. The eight years that followed Clinton were, literally, the worst fucking years of my life. Death, loss, injury, surgery, financial hell, layoff. I try not to wish anyone ill because *I* don't want the bad karma of being entangled with their shit for the next million lives, but Gee Dumbya has a very special place in my … bestiary.

          22. tessiee

            It was a bad, no good, very bad time for a lot of us, and for the country. As a good friend of mine said, "America almost died".

          23. HELisforHEL

            We used to marvel at how good things were, how we finally crawled out from that Reagan/Bush I cloud of yeehaw, religious nuttery and small mindedness and figured it couldn't possibly go backwards and all go to shit.
            And then Bush got elected and here we are.

          24. gullywompr

            Ya know, at the time, I felt funny for being only 6 years old when the Acid Tests were going on, and wondered if the original Deadheads would think a yungun like me was a poser. Turns out, they didn't.

            T-shirts are the same now as they were then also too.

        2. UnholyMoses

          Which is only a crime when a Democrat does it.

          When officials from the Reagan or Bush administrations do it, it's totes cool.

          1. BoatOfVelociraptors

            There are more than a few congressional wives who would object to that premise. With Divorce papers.

      1. LesBontemps

        And Travel-Gate!

        (Fuck you, Dick Nixon, for making "gate" the suffix for every political scandal.)

  3. Lucidamente1

    The Editrix wants to buy Handsome Joe a Trans-Am. You know what she wants to buy for the Big Dog?

  4. CrunchyKnee

    Oh Billy, even with your bullshit NAFTA, and welfare act, you're still more lib'ral than Bamz, now I gave myself a sad.

      1. CrunchyKnee

        By flower, do you mean not kill innocent browns with drones and such? Maybe cut back on the spying of Americans? Wokka wokka, I got a million of 'em. And yeah, I already held my nose and voted for Bamz. My snark is dying on the vine, I need a martini.

      1. CrunchyKnee

        True.

        I have a joke.

        Q: What is the difference between a cow and 911?
        A: You cannot milk a cow for 11 years.

        1. Jus_Wonderin

          Or a trash truck of diverted voter registration forms. Whichever can happen more quickly and more frequently. Your mileage may vary.

  5. chicken_thief

    Oh, shit. Here comes another investigation from The Dumbass and that fucking sheriff in AZ….

  6. Mumbletypeg

    Bill: "Shazam!"
    Biden: "Trans Am."

    Without being able to view the vid my imagination tells me all I need to know whose* motor has the more lethal purrrrr…

    *(hint: as the older gent, his current age is 69)

  7. Antispandex

    Killed ONE guy? Just one? Wow, that isn't even trying very hard. Shrub did WAY better. This could change my vote.

  8. weejee

    So will Egg tip a trollop to the Clinton years and go to the Koch Halloween Party wearing knee pads with a purse full of lip balm?

      1. Mittaplasia

        We already learned on Wonkette that Mormons aren't allowed to do sex things with their mouths. I imagine that would be true if you were on the receiving end, as well, also, too.

  9. Disassembly

    To all those who insist on bringing up the situation with that woman, Miss Lewinsky: Bill Clinton wasn't acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States.

    1. Negropolis

      I'd say off all the things done "in the name of the United States", this ranks as one of the least of our sins, wouldn't you? I find this beating of a dead horse particularly irrelevant when you consider what the subsequent president did "in the name of the United States."

        1. MittBorg

          I think all felines are induced ovulators, which means that in order for the female to conceive, they need some rough sex. Now, rough sex with a critter that weighs about the same as you (if you're the poor male) and comes with about FIFTY really sharp and pointy fings that could take your eye out if you're not lucky, is a complicated maneuver. It isn't helped by the fact that estrus in feline females causes them to act really crazy. A combination of aggressive and submissive. So the female is all yowling and rolling around, showing off her claws and fearsome teeth, and the boys are all around her in a circle wondering which one's gonna be brave enough to get his face ripped off first, and the trick is to eeeeeench closer little by little until they can get their teeth in the scruff of her neck and overpower her by sheer weight. They have barbs on their penises (which induce the ovulation) so sex is probably somewhat painful for the female. And yes, it's pretty fucking loud. The males get scratched and bit something fierce once they let go, too.

  10. JadedPreppy

    I took a photo with him in the 90's and I accidentally grabbed the flab roll around his waist, which was too familiar, obvs. As soon as the flash bulb went off, he elbowed me in the ribs so hard and walked away. I was traumatized for about a decade, but I'm finally able to see his charming side.

      1. JadedPreppy

        Chet, I felt a lot of shame for a long time, as if I should have been sent to the Emily Post version of Gitmo for my social faux pas.

  11. Limeylizzie

    I would totally pull a three-way with me, Bill and Handsome Joe and , probably, a fist-full of Viagra.

  12. ElPinche

    Shiiit, Bubba be chuckin and jivin cuz he got a Arkansas white snake 'tween dohs ivory feet stumps (whatever "legs" in jive).

  13. HarryButtle

    Barry and the choom gang was just tryin' to carjack ol' Vince, and the motherfucker wouldn't give up his ride. So Bamz said, "Take this, you punk-ass bitch!" and put a cap in his fuckin' ass.

    I'm sorry, I was told we're speaking jive today. That's all I got.

  14. poorgradstudent

    In contrast to the Clinton praise going on up above, I have to say that I do think in some ways Bill Clinton did let the cracks in the foundation stay when he didn't do more to clean up Reagan's crappy legacy. Also, too, that whole "steering the whole Democratic party to the right" thing…

    But I am also absolutely convinced that if we ended up with at least 4 years of Gore we would be talking about a nice, respectable "Hey we're like Britain in the '60s" decline instead of a "Holy shit I've been unemployed for two years and this country is going all 'Handmaiden's Tale' so is my passport up to date?" decline.

    1. Negropolis

      My whole take on the DLC thing wa that it was a cynical ploy in recognition of the reality of the times. Clinton moved the party right and still had a tough time winning, even with Perot in the thing. Imagine if they'd have kept running Mondales and Dukakises, and I say that as a liberal.

      1. poorgradstudent

        I agree that there were pragmatic reasons, but I don't think it had to be inevitable. Also I really think Clinton and Obama are sincere subscribers to the ideas of neoliberalism, so I really can't see them as just being purely reactive in the neoliberal takeover of the political mainstream.

        Of course, there's no way to debate the point without delving into a bunch of what-ifs, yet I really can't believe or accept that there's no way a viable Left can function, even in today's climate!

  15. glamourdammerung

    But the whole triangulation nonsense gave us such wonderful things as Lieberman and the "Blue Dogs".

  16. Lazy Media

    Face it, libtards, Barry and my man Bill are as liberal as you get, because Amurica is not going to vote for anyone to the left of that, or reelect/work with anybody who TURNS to the left of that. You get hawkish, neoliberal Democrats and like it, because the alternatives are all Batman villains with clear and distinct plans to ruin America/the world.

  17. MozakiBlocks

    True story – On the morning of 9/11 after I'd managed to get myself together and go to the office, nice older lady who I would have sworn was a Republican, said to me "I wish Bill Clinton was still president, this never would have happened if he was."

    One of the few times in my life, I've been rendered speechless.

  18. Detesticle

    Back in the Clinton years, whenever a Republican dude would bitch about Bill, I would look at him astonished, pause, and remind him, "He is the BLOWJOB President, mannnn! Are you a traitor to men?"

  19. ttommyunger

    For all his good looks, talent, brains and charisma; he never understood the difference between Bill Clinton and the President of the United States. He damaged his legacy, his family and his Country for a little strange. Sure, I've gotten blowjobs on the job, but I honestly think I would have managed to fly straight for four years under that kind of responsibility. There are times you just rein yourself in for a while, it can be done.

    1. Negropolis

      Why is it that some people get all up in arms about Clinton's infidelities, but history kindly remembers sex-obsessed Kennedy? Is it because Kennedy was murdered? Is it because Clinton actually got caught?

      Just saying, but I can think of far worse president who were better men than either. I can be disappointed with Clinton on a moral level, but I fail to see how endangered the nation. I'd take a Clinton over a Buchanan any day of the week. I just don't get why his sins are judged so harshly when we let off the hook those who have exterminated Native Americans or let the nation fall into war.

      1. ttommyunger

        I voted for Bubba twice, but I feel he let me down and it was all so avoidable and unnecessary.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

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