HEARTS AND VADGES  3:40 pm October 24, 2012

Bill Clinton Finally Admits: Barack Obama Killed Vince Foster

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Sound familiar?
Bill Clinton is apparently tired of Old Handsome Joe Biden making sweet wildcat love to all the old ladies, and has decided to come forth and steal your hearts and panties his own bad self. See him purring at you in all his roguish glory, where it says “read more.”


Hmmm, does it sound familiar? We forget, because from the time he signed the Welfare Act, through his kind of shitty remarks about our Bamz, and up until about two months ago, he has been persona non grata in our big bleeding hearts and vadges. Now though? All is sort of forgiven, kind of forgotten (not really), and possibly just a tiny bit damp.

 
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{ 345 comments }

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Bubba just wants to make sure he can still go to parties and get laid.

Though not necessarily in that order.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Oh, yeah, like he needs to worry about that.

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

Excellent point …

nounverb911 October 24, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Wait! So who killed Breitbart?

asterixaverni October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

My Little Pony.

zumpie October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Specifically Spike, with help from Pinkie Pie

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

"Pinkie Pie?!" That is not suitable for children!!

zumpie October 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Now you know why the show's so popular with hetero adult dudes

zumpie October 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Also, too: Spike is some weird little dragon thing. He's in love with a unicorn (Rarity). Just let your imagination run wild with that!

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

And Pinkie Pie is the party animal; the Lohan of the pony set if you will.

HELisforHEL October 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIY41LrvMFQ

I can never watch this enough. And am always too happy to post it here.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Thank you, I think.

OneYieldRegular October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Vincent Foster's ghost.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Col. Mustard

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 8:56 pm

In the Billiard Room, or the Cellar with envelope?

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

That stoned lizard in the foreground of that MLP pic Doc Zoom posted in the thread just below this one.

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Jennifer Rubin. In the mosh pit. With a 36"-inch spiked dildo.

KeepFnThatChicken October 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Joe Queenan, in E. Graydon Carter's corner office, with an X-acto knife.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

(Clenches)

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

You know that only encourages her.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:39 pm

(runs screaming)

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

A Mr. Jack Daniels.

KeepFnThatChicken October 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Jack Daniel. Singular.

*scoff* Yankees.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

The NFL for rebroadcasting a game with only implied oral permission?

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

It was me. I didn't mean too, but he asked me for the bath salts, and I … misunderstood.

HelmutNewton October 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Sirhan Sirhan

Lascauxcaveman October 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Breitbart killed Brietbart, really. People like that always die from the inside out, being consumed alive by their, bile, bitterness and hatefulness.

Unless they get shot or hit by a bus first, which didn't happen in this case.

KeepFnThatChicken October 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

That was the other October surprise Trumpy was working on.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Could it be God, Davy?

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

COTW. Everypony go home!

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

J.R.

Dr_Zoidberg October 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Hitler!

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

The dichotomy of good and evil.

Tommy1733 October 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Someday he will be missed.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm

Only if people are hurling something. Other than their insides, of course.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Well, after all, it was you and me.

Doktor Zoom October 24, 2012 at 5:33 pm

I would just like to point out that Andrew Breitbart died on March 1.

Rebecca Schoenkopf took charge of Wonkette on March 2.

I do not believe in coincidences.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 5:37 pm

You're saying Wonkette was her reward?

HogeyeGrex October 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Hmmmm. Well, I never have seen them in the same room…

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:22 pm

Well, after all, it was you and me.

Oh, DAMN it!

Barbara_ October 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Bill owes Barack Obama for giving his wife, Hillary a job where she travels a lot.

nounverb911 October 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm

When Hill retires to run for 2016 can Bill have the job?

mull_man October 24, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Bill gets a "job" every lovin' day.

tihond October 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

And Huma Abedin as an assistant.

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Huma's been part of Team Hillz for much longer than Barry's had any say over it.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:22 pm

I'm madly in love with her. Regardless if she's a Muslin or not.

Negropolis October 24, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Ummm, WTF?

iTuna October 24, 2012 at 7:31 pm

I think the use of the Wonkette colloquial 'Muslin' indicates sarcasm.

Tealiban October 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

So that's why they called him slick Willy…

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Why is Bubba in such a small, tight little box? Because that's how he likes it!

MozakiBlocks October 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Huzzzah!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

It's like a binder full of women, only not so many

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Hey-Yo!

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Just waiting for Her Ladyship to fix the video window size so my joke don't make sense no more!

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

We will rememb…huh?

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 24, 2012 at 4:08 pm

SMALL TIGHT LITTLE BOX NEVER FORGET

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:18 pm

…and there it goes! Thanks a lot, Ms. Thang!!

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Don't worry. We will always remember your tight little box. I mean… fuck.

starfanglednut October 24, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Ba dump bump!

Chet Kincaid, folks!

Hell be here all night.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Hell? HELL? (cuddles the LittleStar)

starfanglednut October 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm

Gah. Typo. Hi z.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Because telling a joke on Wonkette is so unusual, it must be pointed out?

starfanglednut October 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Nah, just when it is a particularly excellent joke:)

Barbara_ October 24, 2012 at 6:30 pm

Chet, grab my hand! Let's get out of here and go meet Lizzie for cocktails and laughs.

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Small, tight little box? Bristle Palin libel!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Eight years of peace and prosperity unparalleled in the history of the entire fucking planet.

It's kind of hard to criticize any President who can pull that off.

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

And look good doing it!

*furtively hides damp Y-fronts*

Tommy1733 October 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Y-fronts? Who wears those?

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm

THIS GUY.

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 5:54 pm

So long as they're pink.

Gleem McShineys October 24, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Why not?

asterixaverni October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

True.

It's the whole getting a blow job in the oval office, getting caught and lying about it and giving the rethuglicans several years of bullshit and venom to spew that pisses me off.

But otherwise? Best President since Truman.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

If the past four years have demonstrated anything, it's that they didn't need an excuse to find something. It didn't help that he handed them one, but they would have made shit up anyway

Lascauxcaveman October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

But made up shit wouldn't have stuck to Al Gore so much, thereby bringing us 8 lovely years of W. I know it *shouldn't* have stuck to Gore anyway, but realistically, it probably cost him a couple points in the polls. Which was enough.

HogeyeGrex October 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Fuck, they spent upwards of $70 million on Kenny's Awesome Fishing Expedition And Deep Colonoscopy looking for shit that didn't exist, and spewing made up bs when they couldn't find anything real.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm

For giving us eight years of peace, prosperity, and balanced budgets, I think he deserved a blow job. Rethugs were jealous, is all.

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

He used to look good. Now he is looking like a grandpa. He still has echoes of roguishness, but he's going to turn into a perv if he doesn't mind his zipper… Turkey neck=not sexy.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

You don't know what you are missing.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Thank you. (preen)

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Gobble. Gobble.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

How do we get back there?!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Well, there's that time machine that allowed me to go back four hours and post the last thread subject in Wonkville…

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Yes, thank god THAT nightmare is over:
http://www.theonion.com/articles/bush-our-long-na

PennyDreadful October 25, 2012 at 12:36 am

Frighteningly prescient!

chicken_thief October 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Bill is so smooth that even Herman Cain gets a wide on when he talks.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:08 pm

(cleans ears)

I heard "white-on" for a minute. Musta been Andy Breitbart and the "whitey" tape that did it.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm

I think I can speak for all of us when I say:
EWWWWW HEW HEW!!!

PuckStopsHere October 24, 2012 at 3:46 pm

Yeah, but HE GOT A BLOW JOB, REMEMBER!!!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

*shrug*

Some guys have all the luck.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

And that's a bad thing…how?

Shypixel October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I do seem to remember something about lying under oath, y'know, committing perjury…

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

I was 4-years-old when this guy was elected, so I'm fuzzy on the details, but anybody who can drive the Repugs into a foaming, shrieking frenzy of rage by just walking onto a stage is OK by me.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Good Lord, don't they card in this establishment?!

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

And here I was getting used to having one place online where I could be the young one instead of one of the old farts.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I was 10 when he was elected and I was jealous because all I was getting were self-inflicted handjees.

I do remember thinking, "When I grow up, I wanna get a blow job." And you know what, I got that blowie.

Thanks, Mr President.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:09 pm

All I know is, during the Clinton years I made a shitload of money, bought a beautiful house that I will always love, and enjoyed the best that life has to offer. Life was GOOD for eight long years. Very, very good.

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Get out of here, you damn whippersnapper!

*he says, having just turned 25 last night*

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Which is only a crime when a Democrat does it.

When officials from the Reagan or Bush administrations do it, it's totes cool.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

But his was consensual… wait, why were they so pissed off again?

zumpie October 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Also, too, White Water!!!

LesBontemps October 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

And Travel-Gate!

(Fuck you, Dick Nixon, for making "gate" the suffix for every political scandal.)

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I remember getting a blow job once…, good times.

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

So do I.

But it was just two days ago, so … ya know …

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Braggart.

emmelemm October 24, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Was it back in the 90s?

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 5:21 pm

There's something about Monica.

PuckStopsHere October 24, 2012 at 8:57 pm

120 replies? What in the fuck did I say, anyway?

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 9:11 pm

I'm pretty damn impressed by that, myownself…

Lucidamente1 October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

The Editrix wants to buy Handsome Joe a Trans-Am. You know what she wants to buy for the Big Dog?

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Fix his transmission?

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 3:52 pm

A Firebird?

asterixaverni October 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

She wants to strap her hands across his engine?

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Anything he wants?

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

A tune-up???

MissTaken October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

A cigar?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2012 at 4:05 pm

New astroturf for his El Dorado?

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

A big desk?

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

A new blue dress!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

A lube job?

Shypixel October 24, 2012 at 3:47 pm

But…. There is no "Read More" link….

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Run!! It is a faux Wonkette!

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

It's a CONSPIRACY!!

frostbitefalls October 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Oh Bill, when you twinkle at me like that, all is forgiven.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Pretty much, huh? Charming old sod.

CrunchyKnee October 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

Oh Billy, even with your bullshit NAFTA, and welfare act, you're still more lib'ral than Bamz, now I gave myself a sad.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

No, he isn't. Bamz just has to walk a much finer line because BLAH. I suspect he'll flower in his second term, so go out there and VOTE.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Excellent advice. But one question: Do I become Black if I vote for one?

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Yes. Blackness operates under the transitive property, like quadratics, or gay.

FlownOver October 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Or vampires. Like Sidney Applebaum.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Only if you are very lucky.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

It rubs off. C'mere, I'll show you. (Rubs against Esteev)

CrunchyKnee October 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

By flower, do you mean not kill innocent browns with drones and such? Maybe cut back on the spying of Americans? Wokka wokka, I got a million of 'em. And yeah, I already held my nose and voted for Bamz. My snark is dying on the vine, I need a martini.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

(Hugs you) Here. Drink. (Hands CrunchyKnee a martini, shaken not stirred)

Lascauxcaveman October 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

"Politics is the art of the possible." The 90s were a different time, man.

CrunchyKnee October 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

True.

I have a joke.

Q: What is the difference between a cow and 911?
A: You cannot milk a cow for 11 years.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

HAHAHaha… uh, did I just laugh at war?

I'm a dick.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Poutrage is so 2011.

gullywompr October 24, 2012 at 3:48 pm

OK, now I know to go as Bill Clinton for Halloween. See you at the party, Bex.

KeepFnThatChicken October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Oh hell. I'd fuck him. And I'm straight.

Disassembly October 24, 2012 at 4:08 pm

You chickenhawk fucker.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Sure, that's what *you* say.

PhilippePetain October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

Well, with Clinton, you're damped if you do and damped if you don't.

Estproph October 24, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I can't wait until 2016, when the repubs send out Dubya to campaign for them.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

They ain't gonna send Dubya, Romney, or McCain. They'll just have to figure out how to resuscitate Reagan.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Hologram technology will be cheap then. I just hope Karl Rove gets hit by a car full of votes.

Jus_Wonderin October 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Or a trash truck of diverted voter registration forms. Whichever can happen more quickly and more frequently. Your mileage may vary.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Oh, YEAH. Boy, you sure do know how to make a body happy, J_W.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

TWO cars full.

chicken_thief October 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Oh, shit. Here comes another investigation from The Dumbass and that fucking sheriff in AZ….

Mumbletypeg October 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Bill: "Shazam!"
Biden: "Trans Am."

Without being able to view the vid my imagination tells me all I need to know whose* motor has the more lethal purrrrr…

*(hint: as the older gent, his current age is 69)

Antispandex October 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Killed ONE guy? Just one? Wow, that isn't even trying very hard. Shrub did WAY better. This could change my vote.

DemmeFatale October 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

There is nothing like the Big Dog.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Why did I read that as "BigDong"? WHY?

weejee October 24, 2012 at 3:55 pm

So will Egg tip a trollop to the Clinton years and go to the Koch Halloween Party wearing knee pads with a purse full of lip balm?

JustPixelz October 24, 2012 at 4:00 pm

Perhaps Mitt only wants to be POTUS for the BJs.

Mittaplasia October 24, 2012 at 4:45 pm

We already learned on Wonkette that Mormons aren't allowed to do sex things with their mouths. I imagine that would be true if you were on the receiving end, as well, also, too.

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2012 at 3:56 pm

The Big Dog walks at dawn!

Disassembly October 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm

To all those who insist on bringing up the situation with that woman, Miss Lewinsky: Bill Clinton wasn't acting as a private citizen, and whatever he actions he took were done in the name of the United States.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

It felt reallllyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy good.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:10 pm

Lady Liberty has needs too.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

They say the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots, from time to time.

However, the root prefers good head.

BoatOfVelociraptors October 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

So THAT's why they're against hormonal birth control…

rickmaci October 24, 2012 at 4:52 pm

And they complied with the Geneva Position, errr Convention.

oenspiek October 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

The United States puts up with a lot of shit, and deserves a nice bj once in a while.

docterry6973 October 24, 2012 at 9:59 pm

Bill Clinton is a great American. Anything for his country.

Negropolis October 25, 2012 at 1:53 am

I'd say off all the things done "in the name of the United States", this ranks as one of the least of our sins, wouldn't you? I find this beating of a dead horse particularly irrelevant when you consider what the subsequent president did "in the name of the United States."

gurukalehuru October 25, 2012 at 4:11 am

In that case, Thank you, Monica!

mavenmaven October 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm

Needs more sax

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

And sex too, also.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm
MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

In the vadges TOO? Man, Bill gets around.

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

Hell, even the Republicans are trying to claim his legacy now — I think Newt started it with his "We balanced the budget" bullshit. Not fooled.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 24, 2012 at 4:08 pm

You know, if the Democrats were at all good at playing dirty tricks, they would send Bill out to seduce Egg Romney.

CrunchyKnee October 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

I think Bill likes real vadge instead of synthetic/automated, but one never knows.

Jus_Wonderin October 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

"making sweet wildcat love"

I love this. I do. I do. I do.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Obviously, y'all know doodly squat about wildcat fucking. A fearsome thing, indeed.

Jus_Wonderin October 24, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I can imagine though, that it is loud.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 6:12 pm

I think all felines are induced ovulators, which means that in order for the female to conceive, they need some rough sex. Now, rough sex with a critter that weighs about the same as you (if you're the poor male) and comes with about FIFTY really sharp and pointy fings that could take your eye out if you're not lucky, is a complicated maneuver. It isn't helped by the fact that estrus in feline females causes them to act really crazy. A combination of aggressive and submissive. So the female is all yowling and rolling around, showing off her claws and fearsome teeth, and the boys are all around her in a circle wondering which one's gonna be brave enough to get his face ripped off first, and the trick is to eeeeeench closer little by little until they can get their teeth in the scruff of her neck and overpower her by sheer weight. They have barbs on their penises (which induce the ovulation) so sex is probably somewhat painful for the female. And yes, it's pretty fucking loud. The males get scratched and bit something fierce once they let go, too.

Jus_Wonderin October 25, 2012 at 6:11 am

OUCH

JadedPreppy October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

I took a photo with him in the 90's and I accidentally grabbed the flab roll around his waist, which was too familiar, obvs. As soon as the flash bulb went off, he elbowed me in the ribs so hard and walked away. I was traumatized for about a decade, but I'm finally able to see his charming side.

Limeylizzie October 24, 2012 at 4:18 pm

That is kind of awesome.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

You're just lucky he didn't ask for a bj.

Jus_Wonderin October 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Or pull out the cigars.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Do we *know* he didn't?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 5:33 pm

His elbow…is a highly-decorated Secret Service Agent. He is, the Most Interesting Ex-President In The World.

JadedPreppy October 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Chet, I felt a lot of shame for a long time, as if I should have been sent to the Emily Post version of Gitmo for my social faux pas.

kyeshinka October 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Is Presiden' Clinton goan do jahv talkin' too?

Tealiban October 24, 2012 at 4:13 pm

Please tell me this doesn't mean that Bamz has to stop singing Al Green…

Trinket October 24, 2012 at 4:18 pm

I would like to be the center of a Joe Biden/Bill Clinton sammich.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Daddy-palooza! :0O

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Fare approves this Silver Fox Daddy Sandwich.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Yeah, buddy!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Woo-HOO!

Jus_Wonderin October 24, 2012 at 5:39 pm

Think they might pay my rent? I'm game……..

Limeylizzie October 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

I would totally pull a three-way with me, Bill and Handsome Joe and , probably, a fist-full of Viagra.

ElPinche October 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

Shiiit, Bubba be chuckin and jivin cuz he got a Arkansas white snake 'tween dohs ivory feet stumps (whatever "legs" in jive).

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:04 pm

Google needs to add jive to their translator.

HarryButtle October 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Barry and the choom gang was just tryin' to carjack ol' Vince, and the motherfucker wouldn't give up his ride. So Bamz said, "Take this, you punk-ass bitch!" and put a cap in his fuckin' ass.

I'm sorry, I was told we're speaking jive today. That's all I got.

YouBetcha October 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I'd hit that. I would.

poorgradstudent October 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

In contrast to the Clinton praise going on up above, I have to say that I do think in some ways Bill Clinton did let the cracks in the foundation stay when he didn't do more to clean up Reagan's crappy legacy. Also, too, that whole "steering the whole Democratic party to the right" thing…

But I am also absolutely convinced that if we ended up with at least 4 years of Gore we would be talking about a nice, respectable "Hey we're like Britain in the '60s" decline instead of a "Holy shit I've been unemployed for two years and this country is going all 'Handmaiden's Tale' so is my passport up to date?" decline.

Negropolis October 25, 2012 at 2:16 am

My whole take on the DLC thing wa that it was a cynical ploy in recognition of the reality of the times. Clinton moved the party right and still had a tough time winning, even with Perot in the thing. Imagine if they'd have kept running Mondales and Dukakises, and I say that as a liberal.

poorgradstudent October 25, 2012 at 3:22 am

I agree that there were pragmatic reasons, but I don't think it had to be inevitable. Also I really think Clinton and Obama are sincere subscribers to the ideas of neoliberalism, so I really can't see them as just being purely reactive in the neoliberal takeover of the political mainstream.

Of course, there's no way to debate the point without delving into a bunch of what-ifs, yet I really can't believe or accept that there's no way a viable Left can function, even in today's climate!

weejee October 24, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Well he was the first black prez. Just sayin'

glamourdammerung October 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

But the whole triangulation nonsense gave us such wonderful things as Lieberman and the "Blue Dogs".

Lazy Media October 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Face it, libtards, Barry and my man Bill are as liberal as you get, because Amurica is not going to vote for anyone to the left of that, or reelect/work with anybody who TURNS to the left of that. You get hawkish, neoliberal Democrats and like it, because the alternatives are all Batman villains with clear and distinct plans to ruin America/the world.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Both options work for me.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Me too, especially if Eartha Kitt is involved.

MozakiBlocks October 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

True story – On the morning of 9/11 after I'd managed to get myself together and go to the office, nice older lady who I would have sworn was a Republican, said to me "I wish Bill Clinton was still president, this never would have happened if he was."

One of the few times in my life, I've been rendered speechless.

Detesticle October 24, 2012 at 5:42 pm

Back in the Clinton years, whenever a Republican dude would bitch about Bill, I would look at him astonished, pause, and remind him, "He is the BLOWJOB President, mannnn! Are you a traitor to men?"

Lascauxcaveman October 24, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Since they are Republicans, they're probably angry he got his BJ from an icky girl.

rabritz October 24, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Look who has a damp vadge for Bill, Hilery is out of town a lot

Fox n Fiends October 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Hillary 2016 is going to be a lot of fun….

mosjef October 24, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Eee-haw! Cain't get enuf of ole possum breath!

Jukesgrrl October 24, 2012 at 10:59 pm

FINALLY!! I can say, "I'd still hit that."

ttommyunger October 24, 2012 at 11:03 pm

For all his good looks, talent, brains and charisma; he never understood the difference between Bill Clinton and the President of the United States. He damaged his legacy, his family and his Country for a little strange. Sure, I've gotten blowjobs on the job, but I honestly think I would have managed to fly straight for four years under that kind of responsibility. There are times you just rein yourself in for a while, it can be done.

Negropolis October 25, 2012 at 1:48 am

Why is it that some people get all up in arms about Clinton's infidelities, but history kindly remembers sex-obsessed Kennedy? Is it because Kennedy was murdered? Is it because Clinton actually got caught?

Just saying, but I can think of far worse president who were better men than either. I can be disappointed with Clinton on a moral level, but I fail to see how endangered the nation. I'd take a Clinton over a Buchanan any day of the week. I just don't get why his sins are judged so harshly when we let off the hook those who have exterminated Native Americans or let the nation fall into war.

ttommyunger October 25, 2012 at 1:56 am

I voted for Bubba twice, but I feel he let me down and it was all so avoidable and unnecessary.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

fuflans October 24, 2012 at 11:07 pm

now that's a 3 AM call we can all agree on.

DrunkIrishman October 25, 2012 at 1:10 am

BUT WHERE'S DUBYA'S VIDEO FOR MITT TELLIN' US TO GO BACK TO THE 00S?!?

ghblowhard October 25, 2012 at 4:20 pm

I just got damp looking at this ONCE! And possibly pregnant.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:03 pm

Aw, man…

HELisforHEL October 24, 2012 at 4:14 pm

Ha! I hear you. 4 years old…I was, uh…(counting on fingers, getting depressed)…
Well, if they card, I have my AARP laminate in my purse.
Sigh.

emmelemm October 24, 2012 at 4:50 pm

X 1,000

What the everloving fuck?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:04 pm

So this show is basically "Cute Avatar"?

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:06 pm

Miscegenation?

Is you, or is you ain't, mah constitchents?

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm

We all need role models.

Lascauxcaveman October 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

Ironically, I had just gotten married at that time, and my blow job days ended quite abruptly.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:10 pm

It's OK. (rubs the Kitty ears)

We DON'T card.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

You're still a spring chicken, so stop reminding us.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:16 pm

The girl in "Hey Nineteen" turned 51 this year! Of course you have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

*purrs*

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

That's the motto of Limbaugh's favorite escort service.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:11 pm

Because they weren't getting any?

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Now, contrast that with Dubya's Reign of Terror…

HELisforHEL October 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

We used to marvel at how good things were, how we finally crawled out from that Reagan/Bush I cloud of yeehaw, religious nuttery and small mindedness and figured it couldn't possibly go backwards and all go to shit.
And then Bush got elected and here we are.

proudgrampa October 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

Jeez. I cannot believe how much our lives parallel…

Freakin' scary.

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Withdrawn.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Nothing like being gobbled by a Sexy Lady, GANGNAM STYLE!

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Aw, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, dude! :0)

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Happy Happy!

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 4:30 pm

Oh for fuck's sake!

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

And happy B-day, former youngest!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Here, blow DIS out….

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

I have socks older than you.

Seriously. I do.

finallyhappy October 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

shit- you are younger than my kids!

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:43 pm

Hope you had a good time!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Time to post an updated pic, dude. Every crow'sfoot and wrinkle.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Is it too late for birthday spankings?

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:18 pm

Sounds about right…

BoatOfVelociraptors October 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

There are more than a few congressional wives who would object to that premise. With Divorce papers.

HistoriCat October 24, 2012 at 10:54 pm

Or too much (e.g., Newt Gingrich).

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Hey man, if you weren't there, you just don't understand!!

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:21 pm

wtf are you talking about?

FlownOver October 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Could it be the Cuervo Gold, the fine Colombian? Just guessing.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:34 pm

Which would have stillmade her jailbait for Walter Becker

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

Wait…
If she was 19 "way back when, in '67", that would make her born in '48, so uh…
minus the wallaby…
64, I think.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:23 pm

(Rubs YOUR ears too) We don't card, sweetheart. You're just fine. Cute and sexy too. So there.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I hope he's talking about Steely Dan, but ya never know with Chet.

proudgrampa October 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Is there Sex after Marriage?

Discuss.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:24 pm

I don't know why guys don't seem to get that wedding ring=end of bjs.

poorgradstudent October 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I don't know how it works in Hetero World, but where I come from you gotta pitch if you wanna receive.

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 4:25 pm

You better watch out. My divorce is final in about a month…

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:24 pm

I always hear that as Open Condom Style.
And now everyone else will, too.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I don't have to. The eight years that followed Clinton were, literally, the worst fucking years of my life. Death, loss, injury, surgery, financial hell, layoff. I try not to wish anyone ill because *I* don't want the bad karma of being entangled with their shit for the next million lives, but Gee Dumbya has a very special place in my … bestiary.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Remember how happy we were about the "peace dividend"?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I went to a Steely Dan show in the late '80s. We had lawn seats. We looked down at a vast sea of bald pates, bobbing in unison, even back then.

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

We should really make tonight a wonderful thing.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:31 pm

Is that a straight thing?

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

Yes.

But I type that because (no joke): way back in my college days, I worked with a guy who told me that if you had to all but beg for a blowjob when dating a girl, or if she just doesn't seem that into it, you will never get one once married.

NEVER.

EVER.

Thankfully, I married well.

Very, very, very well …

::smiles::

::texts The Mrs, "THANK YOU!"::

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm

Yes, but you'll wish there weren't.
$: – (

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Hey, I'm so old I was able to vote for Bill Clinton. At least it was only for his reelection, but still, seeing that people who were still children then are now adults makes me feel all ancient.

And looking at how the "you must be born before" sign in bars is now up to fucking 1991 is really depressing.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Get a room, you two.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

That's a shocker!!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

That's what she said!

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Does it help to know the way you are feeling now is how I felt in '91?

gullywompr October 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'…

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

I'm not even going to tell you about all the things that were invented in my lifetime that you take for granted, because you're a clever little fucker and will figure out exactly how old I am, and then I will haz a TREMENDOUS SADZ.

However, when my Dad was growing up, street lighting was still gas, and he rode in one of the first automobiles made.

docterry6973 October 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

Clinton? I voted for McGovern.

gullywompr October 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

My son now wears my Grateful Dead, Red Rocks '83 shirt. <sniff>

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I have a fucking wardrobe full of clothes older than him, jeez.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 5:08 pm

*tries to visualize a 26-year-old sock*

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

You treat that beautiful woman right tonight. Light some candles, scatter some rose petals, and play the most romantic Weird Al Yankovic CD you can find.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:59 pm

She's at the office when she suddenly gets this text from the hubbers. "Hmm," she wonders. "What IS that sly fucker up to? To what, I ask, is he up?"

Better NOT bring home flowers. Unless, of course, she's NOT the jealous type, in which case, congrats. (glowers enviously)

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

God I hope so.

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

They could really use some money, you know.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 4:48 pm

But now you have…us.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:36 pm

It was a bad, no good, very bad time for a lot of us, and for the country. As a good friend of mine said, "America almost died".

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Just hand me my AARP card while I watch NCIS and Castle.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Oh, god, am I robbing the CRADLE by flirting with you?

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm

That shirt is my age. They don't make 'em like the used to. The shirts I mean.

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 4:49 pm

*pops a stool softener, cracks a hip*

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Oh, yay, let's spread the news!

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Dude, date more Latin guys… ;0)

viennawoods13 October 24, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Oh yes, that goes in hetero world too.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Ooh, baby, baby!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:53 pm

Faaaaaaa-reeeee? You would know this how?

Happy birthday, sweetcheeks! (kisses all four)

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:54 pm

You need an ear-rub too, sweetpea?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Oh wow, those are the TV Signifiers of Old, now? Good thing I don't watch them! I'm down with your "2 Drunk Bitches" and "How I Hit On Your Mother" and "Once Upon Grimm's Beast," Kids!!

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

Maaaaaaatlock!!

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 4:56 pm

Hear, hear!

HELisforHEL October 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Hee!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Jesus! At least I inherited the hair genes.

emmelemm October 24, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Yes, please. Also, why am I so old? Why are there people commenting here who could be my CHILDREN??

Mercy!!1!!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:00 pm

*Some*body's in a *mood,* today. Musta had a *hot* date last night.

UnholyMoses October 24, 2012 at 5:09 pm

I clean the kitchen and bathrooms. And do the laundry.

Trust me: Many women will find that MUCH sexier than rose petals. (Well, at least one does.)

But Weird Al? Yeah … I can't compete with that.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Bed death gets us all, baby. Luckily, the gay male community seems to deal with it by opening up the relationship. Seems to work. Except for the occasional bitchfests when y'all end up at the same party with all the OTHER people both of you are fucking.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Yes. And happy as that makes me, it also gives me kinky ideas for my bestiary.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Which, so far, seems kinda…nice. :0)

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 5:02 pm

My cradle could use a good rubbing about now. Oh, you said…

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

We *could* be twins separated at birth, yaknow. (Hugs you affectionately)

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

You should be *PROUD* of that, not sad! :0)

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

(rubs your ears) Listen, be grateful they're NOT your children, or they'd be giving you lip. I don't know why you are so old, but I am too. I think we got ripped off, and should complain, but until someone sets up a proper complaint department, I'm'a hang out here and snark.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 5:04 pm

When my mother was born, women couldn't vote (in this country).

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Slut.

Gleem McShineys October 24, 2012 at 5:06 pm

ISWYDD*T

*Did, digitally

proudgrampa October 24, 2012 at 5:11 pm

That, or you can be my "brotha from anotha motha!"

(gives you BIG hug back)

gullywompr October 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Ya know, at the time, I felt funny for being only 6 years old when the Acid Tests were going on, and wondered if the original Deadheads would think a yungun like me was a poser. Turns out, they didn't.

T-shirts are the same now as they were then also too.

elviouslyqueer October 24, 2012 at 5:22 pm

It is NEVER too late for a spanking.

Wait, what?

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 5:51 pm

No sir, but I get to wear the collar this time!

weejee October 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Even if we have grandbabies who are old enough to legally join us at a Wonkette drinky meet-up?

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 5:31 pm

*ESPECIALLY* if you have grandbabies who are old enough to legally join you at a Wonkette drinky meet-up! :0)

Hells, I'll be proud as dammit if my grandkids turn out cool and not be dickheads or anything…

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:46 pm

Is *that* what it's called, these days?

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 5:46 pm

You especially like those nice young people on New Jersey Beach.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Mine was born the year women in this country got the vote. So I guess I'm NOT robbing the cradle.

bobbert October 24, 2012 at 5:57 pm

Ditto.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Yeah, the little lady I flirt with at work always says she wants two, one to cook and the other to do the housework. I guess nobody wants to do the scutwork. I thought my wife would, but she just trained me to do it, and then she likes to supervise and point out stuff I missed. :(

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Well, you know, the shape is kind of cradleish.

Fare la Volpe October 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

Aww thanks!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:51 pm

Oh, it's very … nice, here. We are all … very … nice.

(looks around furtively for the CRE_ature)

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Yeah. That works. (Wash the Cain off it first, tho, OK?)

HogeyeGrex October 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Love that book.

BadKitty904 October 24, 2012 at 5:55 pm

Squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 6:05 pm

Prolly not. Although my mother was considered "old," in that day's standard, when my bro and I were born. (My hubby is 26 years my senior. I always did like the older gents.)

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Wouldn't we look like a bunch of Johnny-come-latelies, bragging on our own midget, doesn't matter how stumpy.

viennawoods13 October 24, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Well, at least I know you'll get the reference I made back in the stabby guy thread.

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 7:52 pm

I found out today that Gangnam is an expensive suburb of Seoul, sort of a yuppie district, and the song is supposed to be mocking the residents for their competitive, showoff ways. All of a sudden it's more interesting!

MittBorg October 24, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Yah. Just about everyone I know suffered. I'm not complaining, I had it better than many other folks. At least I still have my house.

bobbert October 24, 2012 at 8:14 pm

Gaucho was released in 1980.

Tommy1733 October 25, 2012 at 9:09 am

Pictures, please? [wink]

MittBorg October 25, 2012 at 1:22 pm

I think Newt's a cheap deal. One bj and he's yours (ecch) for life, or until the next bj comes along.

HistoriCat October 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Yours for life … you call that cheap?!?

MittBorg October 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm

HAhahaha! I'm an expert on cat sex, having patched kittehs up afterwards for years.

MittBorg October 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm

(preen)

MittBorg October 25, 2012 at 2:42 pm

Eccch ack thpfttth

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