Game: Changed!

Hero Wonketteer Takes To The YouTubes With Bold Counteroffer To Trump

From Wonkette’s Own Jesse Berney, a counteroffer that Mitt Romney would be a fool to turn down!

The real news here is, of course, that someone who blogs for Wonkette has a hundred bucks on hand. That may actually be more surprising than anything Donald Trump said.

Also, too, another announcement that eclipses the significance of anything Trump said today:

(Yes, we realize that there is not enough graph paper on the planet to make a Venn diagram that includes the set “things that eclipse the significance of anything Trump said today… or ever”)

[YouTube]

About the author

Doktor Zoom Is the pseudonym of Marty Kelley, who lives in Boise, Idaho. He acquired his nym from a fan of Silver-Age comics after being differently punctual to too many meetings. He is not a medical doctor, although he has a real PhD (in Rhetoric and Composition).

View all articles by Doktor Zoom

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    Donald Trump should be forced to endure the unspeakable horror of having to listen to Donald Trump.

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    I can't trust someone who has books in the background over someone who has Trump Steaks.

    • Mittaplasia

      I thought they were Trump Steaks BOOKS with nice juicy popups for hard core carnivores to fap to.

  • BadKitty904

    Why, exactly, is this Trump person "famous"?

    • SoBeach

      Same reason Paris Hilton is famous.

      • PugglesRule

        Sex tapes?

        • barto

          GAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHHH!

          • http://wonkette.com/ starfanglednut

            *faints

        • elviouslyqueer

          DO NOT WANT.

      • SavageDrummer

        There's a Trump sex tape?

        • BadKitty904

          OK, I'm *trying* to eat my lunch here, dude…

        • elviouslyqueer

          To repeat, DO NOT WANT.

      • BoatOfVelociraptors

        I wonder what his hair-beast would look like in night vision mode.

        • HogeyeGrex

          Awww. Don't talk about Ivana that way.

        • BornInATrailer

          Have you seen the movie "Troll Hunter" (and you should)? Kinda like that.

      • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

        And Sarah Palin.

    • I_P

      Buttsecks?

    • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

      Why, exactly, is this Trump person "famous"?

      For coining the phrase "Trump times never last, Trump people do."

      He claimed — and deep down, really was convinced — it was an original. Right down to the addendum of a punchline, "… and the same is true of cockroaches!"

      • Mittaplasia

        …and Keith Richards will outlast them all!

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    Trump's response: "Kid, I wipe my ass with hundred-dollar bills."

    • Mittaplasia

      I thought he had people to do that.

    • tessiee

      You're both wrong.
      Nobody wipes his ass, because all the shit comes out of his mouth.

      • Negropolis

        Bwahahahahaha!!!!1!!1

    • James Michael Curley

      Trump is so dumb he buys toilet paper printed with instructions.

      • rickmaci

        Bwhahahahhahahhahahahhahahaha. Damn. My keyboard is now soaked in coffee.

    • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

      Being a total ass, how would he know where to start and stop?

  • hagajim

    Gee Donald, shamless self-promotion much? Douchebag!

    • valgal2342

      Certified Angus beef prime douchbag

  • Lot_49

    Buying meat at the Sharper Image is like buying a foot massager at Safeway.

    • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

      …or taking political advice from a world-famous conniving liar.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    NEEDZ MOAR PONEEZ!1!!1

    • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

      And stabby, stabby (with votes obvs) bayonets.

    • http://Wonkette.com DemmeFatale

      Not shouty and yelly enough.

      • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

        WHAT?

  • SoBeach

    Ron Popeil called. He wants his pitch back.

    • BornInATrailer

      Said it and forget it?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        The Pocket Taxman

  • FakaktaSouth

    You know Mitt Romney would just agree to this, and then say (in the same breath) he had no fucking idea what you were talking about or what money was, or youtube.

    • sewollef

      Blind trust. He knows what those are. And he knows how to direct the investments in blind trusts too.

      How does he know this? Because he's a fucking asshole, duh.

    • AlterNewt

      …or tax returns.

    • PsycWench

      He knows where the Cayman Islands are.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Jesse, you have to be more specific — do you want to see Romney's original tax returns or just the amended ones that his accountant summarized that make it look like he paid taxes?

    • PugglesRule

      The ones locked away in the Caymans bank, the ones that haven't been shredded, silly.

    • sullivanst

      Yeah, "as filed" would be a good addition.

  • http://twitter.com/iburl iburl

    Normally I don't buy my food at the Sharper Image, but I assume that they feed the TRUMP SKEAKS cows gold-plated wheat?

    • Esteev

      Oh that's rich.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Yes, but are the steaks yuuuuug?

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    and with that $100 for the charity of your choice, we will throw in a world map.

  • MiniMencken

    How many times is this man going to publicly demonstrate the Dunning-Kruger Effect?

    • Boojum

      AOT, K

  • http://wonkette.com Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait, Wonkette pays in something other than Ameros or Bitcoins?

    • Esteev

      The Snark Road

    • PugglesRule

      It's direct deposit through Paypal, right?

    • RedneckMuslin

      In roubles, the commies.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      All together: "Hobo Beans & Whore Diamonds!!"

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Trump Steaks — The world's only premium steaks that are loud and taste like ass.

    • elviouslyqueer

      But oh so tender, because rumor has it that Trump beats his meat early and often, with alacrity. Even.

  • Anne_Athema

    As I watched the bloviator extraordinaire verbally vomit, I kept expecting a steaming turd to be extruded form his mouth, since his lips look much like a dialating asshole.

  • Radiotherapy

    I'll give Romney $100 if he shows his college transcripts.

    • tessiee

      Or his tax returns.

  • Texan_Bulldog

    I don't want to see The Donald's taxes. I want to see what's under the honey badger on top of his head. Wait…maybe I don't–okay, taxes are fine!

  • Esteev

    Don't judge me but I kinda want to try one of those steaks.

    • ph7

      Don't judge me but I kinda want to try one of those Trumps.

      • Esteev

        Can we share?

      • rickmaci

        Bolt ons. As bad as her old man's comb over.

  • Not_So_Much

    There's got to be some way in which we can glue Trump and the Kardashians to Arizona and just sell the whole mess to the Messican drug cartels.

    • BadKitty904

      As what?

      • tessiee

        Steaks.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    For someone who's made his name and his gain on assessing the potential value of things for sale, purchase and resale; Trump's utter lack of self-appraisal might be sadder than his craven wealth.

  • prommie

    I'll have a hundred bucks on Friday, thats payday! But not for long.

  • freakishlywrong

    The steaks in this election are uuuuuuge.

  • Whollyholeyholy

    Why can't we have Sir Richard Branson? Do you suppose the UK would trade?

    • GemlikeFlame

      Not if they have an ounce of common sense.

  • smitallica

    I sometimes wonder if civilization was really worth it. I mean, in olden days, someone like Trump would've been clubbed and eaten a long time ago, just for existing.

    • tessiee

      It's not too late.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    When I saw "Trump steaks" I got excited because I thought someone had taken Trump to a slaughterhouse.

    Of votes! A messy, smelly slaughterhouse of votes.

  • rocktonsam

    Mr, Trump

    IRS on line one. Something about an audit sir.

    "Tell them I'm not in."

    • Esteev

      "…they're down stairs, sir."

  • gullywompr

    I'll bet you $10,000 he doesn't take it.

  • LastGasp

    "Well Jesse, if you'd just get a job you'd realize that a hundred bucks doesn't go far in this economy. What are you, poor?" — Donald Trump

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    You should prolly hide that $100 in the cayman islands. I heard that's where people with money put their money. I wouldn't know.

  • http://ifthethunderdontgetya.blogspot.com/ ifthethunderdontgetya

    Trump deserves a kick in the junk so hard his marbles come out his steak hole.
    ~

    • widestanceromance

      Trump, junk, hard and his hole. I'll be in my vomitorium for the rest of the day.

  • TribecaMike

    Just think of it as "a gift from God," Donald.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Trump steaks is PEOPLE!!!11!

  • gullywompr

    Make it a brazillion, and I'm in. kkkkkkkk!

  • CindynEncinitas

    I don't think the Founding Fathers gave us the miracle of free speech so we would be forced to endure the ravings of a pouty, narcissistic nutter whose only joy in life seems to come from blathering into a camera. Who do the Murkin people have to fuck to get this guy to go away?

  • Redgyal

    One question. Is Jesse Brasilian? Kkkkkkk

  • neiltheblaze

    How much is that in Hobo Beans?

  • mull_man

    Can we throw a set of steak knives too? Literally?

  • mavenmaven

    Romney doesn't recognize $20 bills.

  • Mittaplasia

    It's near the end of the month, but I scraped up $20 to give to Trump for proof that the thing on his head has its rabies vaccine up-to-date.

  • TribecaMike

    What a twist!

  • Mittaplasia

    Something about night deposit boxes comes to mind…

  • cvdurhm

    I'll give $100 if someone can find a transcript of Donnie saying anything intelligent.

  • Disassembly

    If you want to give Ringo less, it's up to you. I'd rather not get involved.

  • Jerri

    Do the Trump Steaks come from actual Trumps?

  • bikerlaureate

    If "Wonketeer" is the term for someone who "blogs for Wonkette", what is the correct label for us lowly commenters?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Wonkers.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Wonkeratti

  • tracyhasfun

    It's probably silly to point this out but why isn't The Trump yelling for the tax returns? He all truthy n shit…

  • docterry6973

    Any Democratic politician whose response to Trump doesn't include the words 'Romney', 'tax' and 'returns' will be shot.

  • larrykat

    What, he has already removed the video????

  • spareme

    Well crap, the videos been removed. I really wanted to see what a $100 bill looked like.

  • Negropolis

    Okay, so which one of you cheeky bastards is Jesse? lol

  • http://www.boskolives.wordpress.com boskolives

    Is the Donald willing to show his bank statement? Not for nothing, but he has too many BK's and divorces on his record to be sure he actually has the cash.

  • Abernathy

    "Mitt Romney would be a fool to turn down" You had him at "fool."

  • ttommyunger

    What is it with you and your Trump videos? Not gonna do it.

  • Burgdorf

    Is there anything Trump won't put his name on?

    • Negropolis

      Yes, the pre-nup.