you just got trumped

October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)

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this will happen one day, mark our wordsLadies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kittens: we are a mere twenty minutes away from Donald Trump changing everything by revealing something incredibly stupid and probably racist about Barack Obama.

He will be doing this via Facebook and Twitter, so we, of course, are going to liveblog whatever Donald Trump is releasing in character-limited fashion. This could potentially change the election! Or get Donald Trump another ten minutes of TV time on Fox & Friends tomorrow.

What do you think the surprise is? We will keep you updated with up-to-the-second baseless speculation on when Donald Trump with reserve his place in Hell, which within ten years will have a shoddily built Trump hotel in it.

11:46 AM – Will Donald Trump’s big announcement be a tweet that leads to his Facebook page? Will it be a Facebook link to a series of Tweets? NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS.

11:48 AM – Early indications are that Obama may be giving up on several swing states, including Indiana, South Carolina and Arizona, in anticipation of Trump announcement.

11:49 AM – Whatever this is, please don’t let it ruin the Choom Gang. I love those wacky kids.

11:51 AM – God’s rape candidate Dick Mourdock is holding a press conference right now. He said determining whether God loves rape is “above his pay grade.”

11:53 AM – Which third-party candidate are you going to support after Donald Trump destroys Obama’s political career? I’m thinking Jill Stein.

11:58 AM – Two minutes. Tell your Obamatard friends you love them.

11:59 AM – Arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet

12:02 PM – The Trump announcement is that…he will give $5 million to a charity of Obama’s choice if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport applications. What the fuck, Trump? HOW COULD YOU CHANGE THE GAME SO HARD?

Sponsored Intermission

No, seriously, fuck Donald Trump.

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Barbara_

    Thank you, Donald Trump for making it possible for me to hate someone more than I hate Ann Coulter.

    • PsycWench

      That's a close one, but Ann Coulter seems a little more mean-spirited. So far.

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        Donald Trump never called anyone a retard.

        Publicly.

        • Sue4466

          I don't think we have to choose. I, for one, have enough to hate both of them. Multitask, people!

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      Frankly, I have always thought that Ann Coulter was pretty cunty…. She just keeps proving me right…

      • sullivanst

        Nah, she keeps proving herself to be ugly cunty.

    • tracyhasfun

      I can't hate anyone more than I hate Ann Coulter. I am a sweet, loving, albeit sarcastic kinda person, who can nearly always see the good in things. I hate AC with the fire of a thousand suns, I wish her ill every time I see her face. If I (accidentally) hear her voice, I have to drink myself to a blackout in order to try and obliterate it.

      Donald Trump sucks donkey balls, though.

      • SorosBot

        I still hate Bush Jr. and Cheney more than anyone else, even Coulter or Limbaugh.

        • tracyhasfun

          Ok. I think I may have been a victim of a republican mind-swipe. Who were these two again? I remember…I remember…was there a fat guy and a dumb cowboy?

          • hillarysleftone

            close, dumb preppie in a cowboy hat

    • Graham Cracker

      The republicans make it so easy to hate

      • sullivanst

        Just one of their many shared traits with Emperor Palpatine.

  • Limeylizzie

    I hope whatever it is really fucks up Romney. That is all.

    • BoroPrimorac

      Me too.

    • Terry

      In typical Trump fashion, it's all p.r. and no substance.

  • PsycWench

    Obama is not half-black, but 65% black.

    • Barbara_

      I think Trump found out that the Obama dog, Bo is also half-black.

      • Esteev

        And like Obama, not house-trained.

    • Rosie_Scenario

      I was thinking more 3/5 black, but 65% is close enough.

      • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

        3/5 * 50% means that Obama is actually secretly 30% Black. Always remember to show your work, kids!

  • Loch_Nessosaur

    He's got 15 more minutes to be trending on Twitter and fapping to all the attention.

    Edit: 12:03 pm – no longer trending.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    It's actually MICHELLE who is the Kenyan-born communist/socialist.

    • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

      OMG THAT'S JUST LIKE THE ENDING TO GHOST WRITER!>!!>!

  • PsycWench

    Remember when people looked up to Donald Trump and admired his ability and wisdom?

    Me neither.

    • vulpes82

      I'm ashamed to say it, but when I was a young child in the 80s, I loved Trump. I wanted to be rich, and rich=Trump, to my juvenile eyes. I even wanted his boardgame! But then the 80s ended, and he dumped Ivana, and that was it for me. My budding gayness just could not take him cheating on Ivana.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      His reputation has fallen lower than his hair

  • SexySmurf

    The surprise is that Obama's been dead this entire time, and I'm the only one who can see his ghost.

    • freakishlywrong

      Ir was all a dream. Bamz was in the shower when Donald woke up this a.m.

      • tessiee

        Yeah, in his dreams is right.

    • OddAssCity

      You can hear it on the vinyl recording of the last debate, if you play it backwards.

    • smitallica

      Obama IS the Russian spy!!

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      The surprise is that the trees are making people commit political suicide, and also some guy actually basically tells you that point blank halfway through the movie.

      Or is it that the secret illegal aliens hate water, and also exactly the same thing I just said.

      I'm not even really trying here, the main point is fuck M. Night Shamylan, and also too Donald Trump.

  • HRH_Maddie

    The surprise is that it's been a comb-over all along!!!!

    • PsycWench

      Whatever he pays his barber, it's too much.

      • Esteev

        Barber or taxidermist?

    • Graham Cracker

      He uses a hay rake.

  • Oblios_Cap

    That comic's story must be set in Bizarro World.

    Me President. Me have real hair!

  • http://www.dailydickpunch.com Magic Sam

    The half-white part of Obama is his penis. Very small.
    http://dailydickpunch.com/2012/10/24/zomg-racist-

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The shoddily-built Trump Hell Hotel (and casino, natch) is part of a cooperative agreement, in exchange for Donald allowing us to bring hell to the denizens of his properties.

  • http://wonkette.com ChillBill

    "Bluewater Comics"? Blackwater Comics had the same cover, but with Dubya.

  • bumfug

    He's going to reveal that Paul Ryan is already pleading for a spot on Celebrity Apprentice.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    After Donald is done releasing, I do hope he doesn't have to flush twice again.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Political power grows from the bad hairpiece of a mope.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If we can trick him into saying "Pmurt" maybe he'll disappear from our dimension.

  • freakishlywrong

    That image doesn't do justice to his thick fingers. And his vulgarity. Nothing comes close to depicting his vulgarity.

    • IceCreamEmpress

      Oh, Spy magazine, how I miss you!

  • ShiftyParadigm

    Obama is Strom Thurmond's love child!

  • asterixaverni

    This is the most exciting moment of my life! SSSQQQQQUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    Weird: I had no idea that man's scowl-puckered face was actually capable of smiling.

    • Esteev

      He only smiles when he's got that dog whistle in his mouth.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      That's actually a pic of the Donald Trump Cabbage Patch Doll.

      • tessiee

        In fairness to Mumbletypeg, they're pretty hard to tell apart.
        Same thing with Russell Crowe.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I vote the Weekly World News space alien is going to endorse Obama and then marry him

    • Esteev

      I hope they allow stowaways on those space ships… This place is getting scary.

    • eggsacklywright

      Or Batboy is his bastard offspring.

      • CindynEncinitas

        I loves me some Bat Boy!

        • tessiee

          Slide over on that bench with the Batboy luv, sis.

  • poorgradstudent

    I bet Obama has been relying on advice from Miss Cleo this entire time!

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      That was Ronald Reagan (and Nancy).

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Oh, I know — he's going to do his "You'r fired" thing that he wasn't able to do at the Republican convention with an Obama double. It'll be yuge.

  • Yellerdawg

    Obama wears a bad toupee!

  • http://rightthinkingamerican.blogspot.com johnnyzhivago

    Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

  • mavenmaven

    More footage of Obama speaking to a black person, William Ayers, or Saul Alinsky (who is really Obama's father).

  • Beowoof

    I am hoping that he announces his crappy TV show is cancelled. The only way it is a game changer is if NBC did it at Romeny's request.

  • Blueb4sinrise

    Trump will reveal that, contrary to common wisdom, he has actually filed for corporate bankruptcy 5 TIMES, not 4.

  • SorosBot

    The surprise is that the next season of The Apprentice is starting soon, and someone wants attention for ratings.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      That's actually not a surprise. NBC has demonstrated of late it has a lead ear for quality programming even compared to Fox of a few years ago, back when they were cancelling Futurama and Firefly.

      • SorosBot

        Come on, sticking the funniest show on TV in the Friday dead slot, then firing the show runner, then pulling it off the air until who knows when right before the season was about to start was such a great idea!

        • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

          Maybe we can fix this by replacing more people's timeslots with Leno!

          • SorosBot

            And people like monkeys. Let's make a sitcom about a monkey that dresses like a doctor!

          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe
          • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

            Has that shit been canceled yet!? I'm tired of these people reaching into The Bad Olde Book Of Showbiz Ideas and pulling out "anthropomorphic monkeys" and "guys disguised as broads." ("Doctors fuck like rabbits due to the stress of being Gods" also, except Meryl Streep's daughter on that new show is cute.)

          • SorosBot
          • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

            CW has, of late, been on a roll with show ideas that should, by all rights, be old and busted, but somehow actually end up being okay despite that.

            See their teen vampire romance drama show, for example.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Hope he trades to the Miami Heat in Al Capone's Vault.

  • Wadisay

    He's got a picture of Obama at age 6 months with bat ears and webbed fingers?

    • tessiee

      You'd think O woulda gotten the ears fixed by now.

  • Estproph

    Obama is a space alien reptilian, here to steal Earth's icecaps. Trump has the proof, because his hair told him.

    • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

      So that's where they've been disappearing to. Time to buy a Hummer and drive it two blocks every time I go to the grocery store.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      I read that as "here to steal earth's hubcaps" which actually makes more sense.

  • FakaktaSouth

    You KNOW this is going to be EARTHSHATTERING if it's coming through Facebook and Twitter for Christ's sake. EVERYTHING that matters is ALWAYS tweeted, no? I hate this world.

    • prommie

      Lets run away then.

      • FakaktaSouth

        I am fucking packing. This is so stupid, it's not even fit for twitter. Let's go.

        • prommie

          You better be packing

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    The White House released the following statement:

    In anticipation of Donald Trump's announcement, President Barack Obama would like to confirm that he is, indeed, in a long-term loving relationship with that guy he lived with on Mars, and is filing for divorce from that raggedy ol' ho he's married to

  • Not_Mother

    Donald Trump to declare intellectual bankruptcy at noon.

    • tracyhasfun

      Moral bankruptcy not even in the running.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      "The vacuum between my ears is hyooge!!"

    • bobbert

      Too late.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    I am now following him on the Twitterz simply because I can't wait for however long it takes for Jesse to find out what it is and then write what it is and then I have to keep hitting refresh and OMIGOD WHAT DOES TRUMP HAVE ON THE PRESIDENT WHAT WHAT OMIGOD (convulses, falls off couch, dies)

  • magic_titty

    Obama gay tryst? With ARod?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Axelrod? I hear he's into "polling."

    • tessiee

      Not just A-Rod, he made a sandwich with A-Rod and Derek Jeeter.
      Um…
      Excuse me for just a moment, won't you?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        You sure like your toast browned "just so," don't you?

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    11:53 AM – Which third-party candidate are you going to support after Donald Trump destroys Obama’s political career? I’m thinking Jill Stein.

    I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you all that I'm available as a write-in candidate. My platform is "More Drugs: We Couldn't Do Any Worse"

    • Esteev

      Consider my vote cast.

    • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

      I'm here to tell you actor212 is a commie dupe. My platform is and always has been "free weed with every abortion." Vote Wookies!

      • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

        I don't want to cast aspersions on my opponent, but I've heard that Wookies was caught with a dwarf in a homosexual liaison that may have involved cocaine and mothballs.

        • LesBontemps

          I think that's a reason to vote for Wookies.

        • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

          Don't believe my opponent's scurrilous accusations — it was a threesome!

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            WHAR HOTEL REGISTER?

          • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

            That's confidential business information — strictly between me, my pimp, my dealer and the guy who brings the camels around.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            What is my esteemed colleague hiding? Camels are people too, my friend!

          • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

            Hmm. I think the username "KissAWookie" has been taken but it's possible that "CaughtInBedWithAWookie" is still available.

          • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

            I think you've got dibs on that one, my dear.

      • Esteev

        Hmm.. that's an interesting position. I am now "Undecided." Wow. This feels kinda good. Let the pandering begin, candidates!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          Sayyyyyyyyyyy, have I ever let you on my private jet?

          • Esteev

            This jet, does it have a fully-stocked bar and stewardesses?

          • sullivanst

            Bar fully stocked. Stewardesses fully stockinged.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Not "fully" as such. Thigh highs

        • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

          A hard-working American such as yourself could probably use a tax cut right about now, hmmm?

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            Don't fall for this fuzzy math!

            Wookies will rape your dog and marry your wife!

            Or soemthing like that

          • HistoriCat

            Leave my dog alone!

          • Esteev

            Hard-working? Um, I'm a liberal. You obviously haven't done your homework.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            I will increase your welfare check

        • eggsacklywright

          I want a Giant Pander or no dice.

          • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

            YOU GET A NEW PLANE!

    • Snarkoluffagus

      Count me in!!!

  • Esteev

    Twenty bucks says that it's already been reported on.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The suspense is boring me.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Masterful.

  • freakishlywrong

    Has any other POTUS had to deal with such unrelenting assfuckery?

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      Guy name of Bill Clinton; you might have read about him

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        Yeah, but Slick Willie handed them his dick and encouraged them to whack it with a ruler.

        • Esteev

          Do you have to become president to have that done? I'm asking for a friend.

          • Dildeaux

            Some of us might require a yardstick. Just sayin'.

    • orygoon

      Bill Clinton did–these guys honed their assholes on the Clinton WH. 1000+ subeonas for shit like the Christmas card list.

      Bill can't get enough props, to my way of thinking, for getting shit done anyway, and for not being made into a bitter, angry man.

      And Republicans cannot get enough murdering-by-votes. If only.

      • smitallica

        The occasional at-work beej is a can't-miss stress-reliever.

    • MissTaken

      James Buchanan liked the assfuckery, especially when it was unrelenting.

    • BerkeleyBear

      John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson and Grover Cleveland to name a few.

      Seriously we are a nation whose politics are built on pettiness, hatred and personal attacks. Everything from bigamy (Jackson) to imbecility/inhuman nature (Lincoln) to drunkenness and stupidity (Johnson) to siring illegitimate children (Cleveland) were routine accusations in the press of the 19th century, with greater or lesser degrees of accuracy (Jackson's wife was technically married to her 1st husband when she took up with him, Cleveland did father a child out of wedlock, but no definitive testing shows Lincoln was actually an ape). If anything, the press retracted its fangs from the advent of radio/TV through Nixon mainly because they were afraid they'd lose access or legitimacy. Once cable gave Fox and Ailes a way to profit without giving a shit about access, it was game on.

  • Goonemeritus

    The only thing I want to hear from Donald Trump is “OW! stop hitting me.”

    • AncienReggie

      Best ever.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      Hard to do that through the ball gag.

  • Aridzona

    Gotta hand it to The Donald . . . he has nothing to say and everyone is talking about him.

  • MissTaken

    How am I expected to work today when TRUMP is going to announce the earth-shattering thing that will shatter the earth??!!! ZOMG!

    • SorosBot

      You mean your office hasn't given you all the day off to deal with this staggering forthcoming news?

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Get in your car and drive away from the fault line, NOW!!

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    And you just KNOW he'll wait until a couple of minutes after noon just to milk it, the little attention whore.

  • http://facethesuncastnoshadow.wordpress.com/ Mumbletypeg

    I really, REALLY want it to be something that justifies all my trepidation awaiting this Big Thing One Week Before Halloween.
    If it doesn't turn out to include the upcoming premiere of
    "Things That Go 'Trump' In the Night: The Musical" — starring his own hair as guest Creature Featured, I just might lose faith in The Donald.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    I get the feeling Obama's sitting in the Oval Office, refreshing his screen saying "Proceed, Mr Trump"

    Nah. Just kidding. He's probably doing something unimportant like saving the world.

    I'm kinda amazed that Trump is still smarting after the asskicking over the birth certificate.

  • CommieDad

    Damn it! I already voted. Too late now.

    • TribecaMike

      Churchill was right, democracy really is the worst form of government!

  • MC5

    It's 12:01 asshole.

    • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

      12:04 now

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      …do you know where your fuckin' dignity is?!

  • Snarkoluffagus

    Donald Trump a TOOL for the ages. Oh i know what it is that thing on his head really is his hair??

  • SorosBot

    What is "choom gang" supposed to mean, anyway? I remember there was a troll a while back that kept repeating that, but of course he made no sense.

    • MissTaken

      The group of pot smoking turkeys Obama hung out with in high school supposedly called themselves the "choom gang".

      • SorosBot

        Wait, Obama smoked pot when he was younger? Why that makes him just like almost every single other person in the United States!

        • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

          He also…*glances side to side, whispering*….snorted coke.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          I half expected Trump to announce that Barry inhaled.

    • BoroPrimorac

      That's what Obama called his group of pot head friends.

  • freakishlywrong

    It's the Fucktober surprise!

  • magic_titty

    Anyone watching this? FAILLLLLLLURRRRRE.

    • pdiddycornchips

      i'm at work and can't take part in the festivities. What is it????

  • eggsacklywright

    Maybe one of Chump's sekrit detectives in Havaii finally found something. Like a seashell, such as.

    • larrykat

      Found by U.S. Americans I hope.

  • MC5

    What an asshole.

  • CommieDad

    If trump reveals his comb over, I will give $5 to the charity — 501c(3) only please — of his choice.

    • http://www.vinoverve.com Maman

      What? You don't want to give to a Republican superpac? Shocking!

  • RevJuanMessycan

    Wait, is Ronald Mc… I mean, Donald Toupe being sworn in using a bound stack of NatGeos or something? I've signed cell phone contracts thicker than that!

    • PubOption

      It's the version of his accounts ledger that he shows to the IRS.

  • midnighttoker69

    How fucking lame … gamechanger he said … information, he promised … what a silly fucking attention whore.

  • FakaktaSouth

    I just want to say that I hate myself for sitting here waiting on this. This damn-well be something exciting to make fun of or I am going to be PISSED.

    Yep, fuck this guy. What a fucking loser. This is not an announcement, this is a bunch of bullshit.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    TRUUUUUUUUUUMP!

    • eggsacklywright

      Someone throws a shoe at him while he's revealing. Donald Ducks. Film at 11.

  • BoroPrimorac

    There's something not at all surprising about the Donald. President Black guy humiliated him in front of a bunch of people and he hasn't been able to live it down.

    • Geminisunmars

      This.

  • larrykat

    This is even below Trump's standards. What a fucking idiot. A whole bunch of nothing – but then this is not about Trump, right? It's about 'Merica.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    How about $5 mil to Mitt's favorite charity if he releases his tax returns?

    • Wadisay

      If I want to give $5 million to the Mormon Church, I will just join and get the 74 virgins, or whatever.

  • Rhino

    GAME CHANGER!!!

    Wait? What?

  • http://wonkette.com ManchuCandidate

    Transcripts? Transcripts?

    Holy fuck.

  • asterixaverni

    That's it? That's all he's got??

    Asshole. I'm going to lunch.

  • widestanceromance

    Another day, another massively YUGE Trumpian FAIL.

  • MC5

    Donald Trump to charities: "Fuck you."

  • http://wonkette.com/ weejee

    Is Dubya now doing PR for the Donald?

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    An oral contract with Donald Trump isn't worth the paper it is printed on.

    • Tilley

      Please don't use the word "oral" within two words of "Donald Trump." oww my stomach!

  • iTuna

    Barry should donate 5 million bucks in Donald Trump's name to a wig-making charity.

  • http://hong-kong-actresses.blogspot.com/ Chow Yun Flat

    Well, at least the game changer wasn't about Trump.

  • http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/ SayItWithWookies

    Trump: I got nothin'.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      "But let's see if I can buy it…"

  • freakishlywrong

    The Donald is a racist. That is all.

    • Tilley

      Well, that's not quite all. He's also an enema-bag and a cloven-footed pile of useless pus-covered gangrenous offal.

  • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

    Larry Flynt to immediately announce he will give $5 million to the charity of Trump's choice if wife #3 will pose for Penthouse.

    • http://wonkette.com/ FlownOver

      Hustler. Close, though.

      • http://whatisawatthedevolution.blogspot.com imissopus

        Tomato, to-mah-to. Or in this case, tomatoes, to-mah-toes.

  • http://simplyleftbehind.blogspot.com/ actor212

    The Trump announcement is that…he will give $5 million to a charity of Obama’s choice if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport applications.

    *sound effect of PacMan being eaten*

  • BoroPrimorac

    Make it at east fifty million, you fucking piker.

  • LesBontemps

    Will Donald Trump's "hair" now finally reach down and strangle him?

  • MissTaken

    College transcripts for $$? Seriously? How is that a bombshell?

  • Selfish_T

    And Breitbart's Institutional Left Doomsday clock still flashes zeros.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Jeez … is that guy still dead?

      • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

        You should know — isn't it time to baste him with some more mop sauce?

      • HistoriCat

        Your guys didn't lose track of him, did they?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          J.K. … I'm sure he's down here somwhere.

  • SorosBot

    That's a game changer? Just bringing up the tired old screams of "Why won't Obama release his transcripts, like no presidential candidate ever before has ever done, or even been asked to do?" That's it?

    Yep, I was right; nothing but Trump screaming for attention.And the media dutifully gave it to him. He didn't even have anything to say.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      He may have used up his last bail bond card with this one, though.

      • CindynEncinitas

        God, let's hope so. Next thing you know he will be scouring Battle Creek, Michigan for proof Obama secretly has the real decoder ring.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm pleased to note that the NYT seems to have classified this as not actually fit to print.

  • Goonemeritus

    Could the charity of his choice be “The National Foundation for throwing Donald Trump a Really Good Beating”?

    • tessiee

      I know some guys.
      /ethnic/

      • Goonemeritus

        Who doesn't?

  • Lucidamente1

    "Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "

  • Generation[redacted]

    How much to release that hairpiece back into the wild?

  • orygoon

    America: a place where morons are rich, and I am not.

    • Esteev

      Huff some paint. That'll dumb you down to Trumps level. Then the cash just starts rolling in!

      Wait. You do have rich parents, right?

  • cognachas4paws

    Well, this certainly isn't a BFD. More like a BF Fail.

  • ph7

    Trump, I'll sell you mine for $2.5M.

  • Dr_Zoidberg

    Oh, fuck off, Trump. You are more irrelevant than Caribou Barbie.

    • Geminisunmars

      Also.

  • CivicHoliday

    MAJOR UPDATE: my cat's breath smells like cat food

  • PhilippePetain

    Donald Trump is the sound of air going out of five million balloons three hundred times a day.

  • SexySmurf

    That announcement was a lot like having sex with Donald Trump: disappointing, all about him and lasted less than 3 minutes.

    • cassamandra

      thanks for taking it upon yourself to do the research..

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      No kidding — I even feel a bit dirty now.

  • magic_titty

    Shoulda went with the 'Barry was Stringer Bell at Columbia' story.

  • OddAssCity

    Trump had run out of ideas for exposés of the President. He knew if he announced that he would make an announcement, others would try to guess what it would be, and he'd have a whole bunch of new stuff to send investigators out to dig into. Mr. Trump, is Hawaii still available? Because I could sure use about a two week investigation there.

    • SorosBot

      Except for the "new stuff" part; every alleged revelation about Obama turns out to be old news covered long ago.

  • Doktor Zoom

    Screw the college transcripts, I want the details of the research papers he wrote.

    HOW CAN WE CHOOSE A PREZNIT WITHOUT KNOWING WHETHER HE HAS MASTERED MLA CITATION FORMAT?

    • smitallica

      STRUNK & WHITE LIBEL!!

    • vulpes82

      No, no, no, Professor Herr Doktor! CHICAGO citation format!

      • Doktor Zoom

        If we had Comments of the Day (which we do not), that would be it!

        • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

          No AMA style?! What kind of Doktor are you?!

          • Doktor Zoom

            Phud in rhetoric & composition. MLA all the way.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Harvard Law Review? Blue Book or GTFO. (Literally.)

        • sullivanst

          Personally, I'd be lobbying hard for this one, which isn't getting anything like the love it deserves.

          ETA: stoopit comment-not-finding ID, that link was supposed to go the the comment where CK replied to "It's 12:01" with "…do you know where your fuckin' dignity is?!"

  • LibrarianX

    I am SOOOO over performance art.

  • Lucidamente1

    The only thing more ingenious would be if someone called for the arrest of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

  • cassamandra

    Gee, "comments are disabled" on Hairpiece's youtube. Why would that be?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Because only Donny's words are important.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    YAWN.

  • http://wonkette.com/ Sharkey

    Ha ha! All you guys fell for it, didn't you?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Obama's making a list:
    1. Planned Parenthood
    2. League of Women Voters
    3. PBS/NPR
    4. ?

    • Goonemeritus

      ACLU

      • sullivanst

        I vote for everything on this list, just because.

    • TribecaMike

      Tangerine Tango, Pantone 17-1463

  • Snarkoluffagus

    Donald Dump what a loser!!! I'll give you a Schekel if you prove that thing on top of your head is not really running the show{{:(

  • keepwalkin

    Donald Trump: "I sucked his cock! Now you tell me, is that a BIG STORY or what?!"

    Oh wait, what is this noise?

  • teebob2000

    "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…"

    • Gleem McShineys

      Being Rickrolled is better than being Trumproasted.

  • TribecaMike

    Now if only he could find the one armed man who murdered his wife.

  • grex1949

    This would be unbelievably stupid, except that it involves Donald Trump, and nothing involving Trump is unbelievably stupid.

  • insidebeltway

    Wow! Almost as good as his surprise at the RNC.

  • Rhino

    Part of me wishes that Pres. Obama would call Trump's bluff and release them, then demand the donation be made to the United Negro College Fund. That would totally chap Trump's disgusting, soulless ass.

    • HouseOfTheBlueLights

      No, to Islamic Relief Worldwide

      • Generation[redacted]

        Or that charity with ties to Al Qaeda. Then he could arrest Trump for aiding terrorists.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Johnny-Appletruth/133951326629923?sk=wall deanbooth

    KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!

  • Beowoof

    Shit he couldn't afford to do that.

  • TribecaMike

    The comb over's too damn high!

  • missannthropethefirst

    Yeah, let's see a passport application with all the sensitive material on it. College applications? Like any school still has the applications. Harvard Law School says right on its website that it destroys all applications after three years. What president has released their college transcripts? I can't think of any.

    • SorosBot

      No other president has released their college transcripts, but see, all the other presidents were white.

      • vulpes82

        OBAMA IS BLACK?!!1!!!??????

        • tessiee

          Strange that his esteemed opponents never seem to mention or refer to that.

          • Generation[redacted]

            If only someone had found this out before the 2008 election.

    • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

      Yeah, let's see a passport application with all the sensitive material on it.

      I remember that Orly Taitz was demanding that Obama release his social security number, to prove that he wasn't using a ton of "fraudulent" social security numbers, because he's not an American.

      Honestly, I'm pretty sure my spam filter is filled with more convincing phishing attempts.

  • BlueStateLibel

    Trump would only go belly-up and bankrupt if Prez agreed.

  • mavenmaven

    He's the least transparent because he has the darkest skin, of course.

    • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

      Most novel, Sir!

  • Meadow58

    Can we go home now????? Pleeeeeeease????

  • Detesticle

    Hey, I just woke up late to the Trump thing, so can someone tell me …

    Did he find something in Geraldo Rivera's vault?

  • Flat_Earther

    Where's my bayonet?

  • http://intensedebate.com/people/mrblifil mrblifil

    I am Donald J. Trump, millionaire, I own a mansion and a yacht…

  • spends2much

    Wow, this changes EVERYTHING. How could anyone vote for a guy who… wait, what??

  • TribecaMike

    Until we learn the full details of Obummer's sophomore Two-Dimensional Design Fundamentals class, this once great nation will continue to teeter on the edge of the precipice of tyranny.

    Or we could just buy the textbook. You decide, sheeple!

    • tessiee

      I suppose so…
      Except that the 1979 edition of "Fundamentals of Two-Dimensional Design" is OUT OF PRINT!!!
      Dun dun dunnn!!

      • TribecaMike

        Oh. My. Gawd.

  • mingey

    What a terrible shame it would be for Obama to force Trump not to give to worthy charities the 5 million dollars he would SO LOVE to donate…oh, there's nothing keeping Trump from doing that anyway? Huh, I guess he's just an asshole.

    Also, I believe there's some meat on his desk that he's tenderizing with karate chops while taping. Multitasking!

  • Steverino247

    I'll see your five million and agree to release my transcripts in exchange for Mitt Romney's tax returns for the past 20 years.

  • smitallica

    "I'll give $5 million dollars to anyone who will pay attention to me for another ten minutes. Please?"

  • Disassembly

    President Obama, please release your VCR user manual!!!

    • sullivanst

      I have it on good authority, he owned a Betamax INPEECH!

      • TribecaMike

        I have it on good authority that he let his children starve just so he could amass his laserdisc collection.

      • Disassembly

        What's wrong with VHS, Obeta?

  • lulzmonger

    WHAT ARE YOU HIDING??? SHOW AMERIKA THE LONG-FORM VIDEO, THE DONALD!

    Obama graduated from Hahvard magna cum laude which means his marks were something at or above 80% … which surely even a blithering yut like Trump knows full well. So Trump's willing to pay five big ones for a specific number over 80 & some mundane passport info – all of which would reveal zero information of real value or merit, thus perfectly echoing the net worth to humanity of this stentorian sack of toxic detritus shaped like a person.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    He's releasing Trump Mini — all the mendacity, venality and vulgarity of the full-sized Trump, in a size that's perfect for children's television!

    • TribecaMike

      A bite-sized Trump is a type of evil than only Holocaust survivors can imagine.

  • http://inappropriatejobpostings.blogspot.com/ fuflans

    well my day is complete.

  • barto

    He's a giver, no doubt about it!

  • Naked_Bunny

    Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kitten

    I feel so left out.

    • vulpes82

      They're afraid of your whip.

    • tessiee

      *pats the bunny*

  • MUHAMMED_PBUH

    Trump has only given $3.7 million to his own charitable foundation since 1990 and hasn't made any donations whatsoever for the past two years.

  • Naked_Bunny

    I'm sure if Obama would just release his transcripts, it would stop all the nagging about his transcripts. Worked so well for his birth certificate!

  • sullivanst

    Hahahahaha.

    I'M DONALD TRUMP LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE LOOK AT MEEEEEE

    No Donald, we do not want to look at you, and not just because of that stuffed gopher on your head that you inexplicably continue to claim is hair.

    I'd like to point out that I wasn't far off when I suggested that the big surprise was going to be that there was no surprise.

  • Schmegeg

    Trying to think of something snarky to say, but WTF?? The Passport Application?

  • ckinsobe

    And here I thought he would be announcing Robme as contestant on next Celebrity Apprentice.

  • tessiee

    Really, all that needs to be said about Donald Trump is that his *casinos* went bankrupt three times.

  • Nostrildamus

    If Trump had any credibility at all, this would be a nice way for Barry to pick up a easy $5 mil.

  • http://dismalpseudoscientist.wordpress.com Incitefully_Joe

    Dolan Trump is a racist buffoon. This actually MIGHT blow the race wide open, but probably not in the way Trump thinks.

  • http://www.gurukalehuru.wordpress.com gurukalehuru

    O should call his bluff. He really should. Make that check payable to Planned Parenthood.
    But who in the world has their own passport applications?

    • sullivanst

      Why, it's almost as if he deliberately added a completely impossible requirement so he'd never have to pony up.

  • http://loljazzcatz.blogspot.com/2012/06/introducing-bad-note-millstones-of-jazz.html Chet Kincaid_

    Did he play "Shattered" over the closing credits of this shit?

  • bfddad

    Hold on here – when he says Obama is the "least transparent," is that a racist thing?

    • TribecaMike

      Unless he's referring to Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man, which I very seriously doubt.

  • DickWharfinger

    I will donate $15 to your favorite peddletwat if you will give a proper burial for that deceased gerbil glued to your forehead.

  • MUHAMMED_PBUH

    All Trump has to do to collect FIVE MILLION [MEDIA] WHORE DIAMONDS from me for the spouse or girlfriend of his choice is to eat 53 live cockroaches on national television like that guy in Florida last week. When he does that to my satisfaction, the whore diamonds will be delivered immediately to her adultfriendfinder.com profile. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this happen.

  • mookwrthwilson

    I just reported that video to You Tube as a scam/fraud…but in reality I was referring to the man in the video, not the video itself

  • TribecaMike

    I love the smell of closure in the morning.

  • tessiee

    For some reason, I'm reminded of this:

    Lisa [about her doll's name]: All right. Now all we need is a name.

    Bart: How about Blabbermouth, the jerky doll for jerks?

    Lisa: How about Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom?

    Stacy Lavelle: Ehh, not enough commercial appeal.

    Bart: Wendy Windbag? Ugly Doris? Hortense the Mule-Faced Doll!

    Stacy Lavelle: I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her Lisa Lionheart.

    Bart: No, Loudmouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! [no one listens] I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello, pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart! Look at me, look at me, look at me!

  • Monsieur_Grumpe

    Donald: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
    Some Person: I’m kind of busy.
    Donald: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
    Some Person: Ok Donald, I’m looking.
    Donald: Ha ha! Made ya look!

  • poorgradstudent

    There's a surprise; Trump fails at even making an irrelevant joke of himself.

  • bobbert

    This is so vapid, I only give it 200 millitrumps.

  • Gleem McShineys

    So is this the question mark step, or the "collect underpants" step, Donald?

  • http://www.marionstein.net Ground Zero Mostel

    So lemme get this straight. If Obama doesn't release the transcripts, then Trump won't give the money to charity and children will die. So Trump is a terrorist holding the children hostage. Good thing we don't negotiate with terrorists.

  • Disassembly

    Remember when this guy was the frontrunner?

  • docterry6973

    Today is a good day. Every person on earth who cares to say anything about this will say that Donald Trump is a fool. Every.Person.On.Earth.

    The Donald is completely and totally alone on this. Compared to Donald Trump, Robinson Crusoe was on London Bridge at Noon.

  • HelmutNewton

    Here's my counter-offer: $25 to my charity of choice if Donald Trump allows himself to be buried up to his neck in Central Park so passersby can spit and piss on him.

  • Sassomatic

    Obama will not release his college records because they show that all he studied was black history, black studies, black literature, black liberation theology, black speech, black sociology, black blacking, philosophy of blackness, getting b(l)ack at whitey, and MUSLIM.

    • Generation[redacted]

      He also took an art class… charcoal drawing.

    • mr bojangles

      ftw x 5 million!

    • TribecaMike

      The black arts…

  • malsperanza

    "character-limited" is definitely the operative term here.

  • freddymcmurray

    We know what you mean by "least transparent president in the history of this country", douche.
    http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/223609

  • Generation[redacted]

    I don't care what you guys say. I think Tony Clifton is hilarious.

    • TribecaMike

      I'm still trying to figure out Morecambe and Wise.

  • mr bojangles

    obama raped (but did not kill) donald trump in 1990!

    • bloggingbalkanistan

      but was it a legitimate rape?

  • ttommyunger

    I will click on a Trump video when you promise me it shows him giving Bishop Romney a reach-around during one of their "strategy sessions". Until then, no fucking way.

    • TribecaMike

      I wonder if the LDS have baptized Joey Bishop yet?

      • ttommyunger

        Don't know, but I'll bet Ol Blue Eyes pressed his head down on a few occasions.

        • TribecaMike

          Sinatra was a Nelson Riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a cannoli.

          • ttommyunger

            My 77 year-old sister says she still gets wet when she hears him sing.

          • TribecaMike

            I can see his hometown of Hoboken out my window. Yuppieville, USA. A far cry from the days when Frank's dad ran a low life dive and his mom was a Democratic ward healer and abortionist. Folks had character then (plus they were poorer than shit).

          • ttommyunger

            Too bad so many of us thought smoking was cool in those days.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

          • TribecaMike

            Good for your sis. On stage, Frank would mime rolling a cig and spitting out the tobacco at the end while singing "One For The Road" in a way that was almost Chaplinesque. Creepy guy, great singer.

            Sent from Sally Field via William Lloyd Garrison.

          • ttommyunger

            A great talent in many fields.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  • glamourdammerung
  • Everhope

    No slimier dickhead in the US than the Donald.