YOU JUST GOT TRUMPED  11:41 am October 24, 2012

October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)

by Jesse Taylor

this will happen one day, mark our wordsLadies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kittens: we are a mere twenty minutes away from Donald Trump changing everything by revealing something incredibly stupid and probably racist about Barack Obama.

He will be doing this via Facebook and Twitter, so we, of course, are going to liveblog whatever Donald Trump is releasing in character-limited fashion. This could potentially change the election! Or get Donald Trump another ten minutes of TV time on Fox & Friends tomorrow.

What do you think the surprise is? We will keep you updated with up-to-the-second baseless speculation on when Donald Trump with reserve his place in Hell, which within ten years will have a shoddily built Trump hotel in it.

11:46 AM – Will Donald Trump’s big announcement be a tweet that leads to his Facebook page? Will it be a Facebook link to a series of Tweets? NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS.

11:48 AM – Early indications are that Obama may be giving up on several swing states, including Indiana, South Carolina and Arizona, in anticipation of Trump announcement.

11:49 AM – Whatever this is, please don’t let it ruin the Choom Gang. I love those wacky kids.

11:51 AM – God’s rape candidate Dick Mourdock is holding a press conference right now. He said determining whether God loves rape is “above his pay grade.”

11:53 AM – Which third-party candidate are you going to support after Donald Trump destroys Obama’s political career? I’m thinking Jill Stein.

11:58 AM – Two minutes. Tell your Obamatard friends you love them.

11:59 AM – Arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet

12:02 PM – The Trump announcement is that…he will give $5 million to a charity of Obama’s choice if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport applications. What the fuck, Trump? HOW COULD YOU CHANGE THE GAME SO HARD?

No, seriously, fuck Donald Trump.

 
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{ 334 comments }

Barbara_ October 24, 2012 at 11:42 am

Thank you, Donald Trump for making it possible for me to hate someone more than I hate Ann Coulter.

PsycWench October 24, 2012 at 11:47 am

That's a close one, but Ann Coulter seems a little more mean-spirited. So far.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Donald Trump never called anyone a retard.

Publicly.

Sue4466 October 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I don't think we have to choose. I, for one, have enough to hate both of them. Multitask, people!

Maman October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Frankly, I have always thought that Ann Coulter was pretty cunty…. She just keeps proving me right…

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Nah, she keeps proving herself to be ugly cunty.

tracyhasfun October 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I can't hate anyone more than I hate Ann Coulter. I am a sweet, loving, albeit sarcastic kinda person, who can nearly always see the good in things. I hate AC with the fire of a thousand suns, I wish her ill every time I see her face. If I (accidentally) hear her voice, I have to drink myself to a blackout in order to try and obliterate it.

Donald Trump sucks donkey balls, though.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:35 pm

I still hate Bush Jr. and Cheney more than anyone else, even Coulter or Limbaugh.

tracyhasfun October 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm

Ok. I think I may have been a victim of a republican mind-swipe. Who were these two again? I remember…I remember…was there a fat guy and a dumb cowboy?

hillarysleftone October 24, 2012 at 2:39 pm

close, dumb preppie in a cowboy hat

Graham Cracker October 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

The republicans make it so easy to hate

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

Just one of their many shared traits with Emperor Palpatine.

Limeylizzie October 24, 2012 at 11:43 am

I hope whatever it is really fucks up Romney. That is all.

BoroPrimorac October 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

Me too.

Terry October 24, 2012 at 12:38 pm

In typical Trump fashion, it's all p.r. and no substance.

PsycWench October 24, 2012 at 11:44 am

Obama is not half-black, but 65% black.

Barbara_ October 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

I think Trump found out that the Obama dog, Bo is also half-black.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

And like Obama, not house-trained.

Rosie_Scenario October 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm

I was thinking more 3/5 black, but 65% is close enough.

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 12:26 pm

3/5 * 50% means that Obama is actually secretly 30% Black. Always remember to show your work, kids!

Loch_Nessosaur October 24, 2012 at 11:45 am

He's got 15 more minutes to be trending on Twitter and fapping to all the attention.

Edit: 12:03 pm – no longer trending.

Dr_Zoidberg October 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

It's actually MICHELLE who is the Kenyan-born communist/socialist.

fuflans October 24, 2012 at 12:45 pm

OMG THAT'S JUST LIKE THE ENDING TO GHOST WRITER!>!!>!

PsycWench October 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

Remember when people looked up to Donald Trump and admired his ability and wisdom?

Me neither.

vulpes82 October 24, 2012 at 11:50 am

I'm ashamed to say it, but when I was a young child in the 80s, I loved Trump. I wanted to be rich, and rich=Trump, to my juvenile eyes. I even wanted his boardgame! But then the 80s ended, and he dumped Ivana, and that was it for me. My budding gayness just could not take him cheating on Ivana.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

His reputation has fallen lower than his hair

SexySmurf October 24, 2012 at 11:46 am

The surprise is that Obama's been dead this entire time, and I'm the only one who can see his ghost.

freakishlywrong October 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Ir was all a dream. Bamz was in the shower when Donald woke up this a.m.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

Yeah, in his dreams is right.

OddAssCity October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

You can hear it on the vinyl recording of the last debate, if you play it backwards.

smitallica October 24, 2012 at 12:34 pm

Obama IS the Russian spy!!

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 12:50 pm

The surprise is that the trees are making people commit political suicide, and also some guy actually basically tells you that point blank halfway through the movie.

Or is it that the secret illegal aliens hate water, and also exactly the same thing I just said.

I'm not even really trying here, the main point is fuck M. Night Shamylan, and also too Donald Trump.

HRH_Maddie October 24, 2012 at 11:47 am

The surprise is that it's been a comb-over all along!!!!

PsycWench October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

Whatever he pays his barber, it's too much.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Barber or taxidermist?

Gleem McShineys October 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Neither. His carny.

Graham Cracker October 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

He uses a hay rake.

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

That comic's story must be set in Bizarro World.

Me President. Me have real hair!

Magic Sam October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

The half-white part of Obama is his penis. Very small.
http://dailydickpunch.com/2012/10/24/zomg-racist-

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

The shoddily-built Trump Hell Hotel (and casino, natch) is part of a cooperative agreement, in exchange for Donald allowing us to bring hell to the denizens of his properties.

ChillBill October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

"Bluewater Comics"? Blackwater Comics had the same cover, but with Dubya.

bumfug October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

He's going to reveal that Paul Ryan is already pleading for a spot on Celebrity Apprentice.

EatsBabyDingos October 24, 2012 at 11:48 am

After Donald is done releasing, I do hope he doesn't have to flush twice again.

Chow Yun Flat October 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

Political power grows from the bad hairpiece of a mope.

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

If we can trick him into saying "Pmurt" maybe he'll disappear from our dimension.

freakishlywrong October 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

That image doesn't do justice to his thick fingers. And his vulgarity. Nothing comes close to depicting his vulgarity.

IceCreamEmpress October 24, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Oh, Spy magazine, how I miss you!

ShiftyParadigm October 24, 2012 at 11:49 am

Obama is Strom Thurmond's love child!

asterixaverni October 24, 2012 at 11:50 am

This is the most exciting moment of my life! SSSQQQQQUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEE!

Mumbletypeg October 24, 2012 at 11:50 am

Weird: I had no idea that man's scowl-puckered face was actually capable of smiling.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

He only smiles when he's got that dog whistle in his mouth.

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

That's actually a pic of the Donald Trump Cabbage Patch Doll.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

In fairness to Mumbletypeg, they're pretty hard to tell apart.
Same thing with Russell Crowe.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 11:50 am

I vote the Weekly World News space alien is going to endorse Obama and then marry him

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I hope they allow stowaways on those space ships… This place is getting scary.

eggsacklywright October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Or Batboy is his bastard offspring.

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 1:01 pm

I loves me some Bat Boy!

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:10 pm

Slide over on that bench with the Batboy luv, sis.

poorgradstudent October 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

I bet Obama has been relying on advice from Miss Cleo this entire time!

Loch_Nessosaur October 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

That was Ronald Reagan (and Nancy).

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Oh, I know — he's going to do his "You'r fired" thing that he wasn't able to do at the Republican convention with an Obama double. It'll be yuge.

Yellerdawg October 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Obama wears a bad toupee!

johnnyzhivago October 24, 2012 at 11:51 am

Soylent Green is PEOPLE!

mavenmaven October 24, 2012 at 11:52 am

More footage of Obama speaking to a black person, William Ayers, or Saul Alinsky (who is really Obama's father).

Beowoof October 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

I am hoping that he announces his crappy TV show is cancelled. The only way it is a game changer is if NBC did it at Romeny's request.

Blueb4sinrise October 24, 2012 at 11:53 am

Trump will reveal that, contrary to common wisdom, he has actually filed for corporate bankruptcy 5 TIMES, not 4.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

The surprise is that the next season of The Apprentice is starting soon, and someone wants attention for ratings.

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

That's actually not a surprise. NBC has demonstrated of late it has a lead ear for quality programming even compared to Fox of a few years ago, back when they were cancelling Futurama and Firefly.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Come on, sticking the funniest show on TV in the Friday dead slot, then firing the show runner, then pulling it off the air until who knows when right before the season was about to start was such a great idea!

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Maybe we can fix this by replacing more people's timeslots with Leno!

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

And people like monkeys. Let's make a sitcom about a monkey that dresses like a doctor!

KeepFnThatChicken October 24, 2012 at 11:54 am

Hope he trades to the Miami Heat in Al Capone's Vault.

Wadisay October 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

He's got a picture of Obama at age 6 months with bat ears and webbed fingers?

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm

You'd think O woulda gotten the ears fixed by now.

Estproph October 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

Obama is a space alien reptilian, here to steal Earth's icecaps. Trump has the proof, because his hair told him.

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

So that's where they've been disappearing to. Time to buy a Hummer and drive it two blocks every time I go to the grocery store.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 24, 2012 at 3:09 pm

I read that as "here to steal earth's hubcaps" which actually makes more sense.

FakaktaSouth October 24, 2012 at 11:55 am

You KNOW this is going to be EARTHSHATTERING if it's coming through Facebook and Twitter for Christ's sake. EVERYTHING that matters is ALWAYS tweeted, no? I hate this world.

prommie October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Lets run away then.

FakaktaSouth October 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

I am fucking packing. This is so stupid, it's not even fit for twitter. Let's go.

prommie October 24, 2012 at 12:21 pm

You better be packing

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

The White House released the following statement:

In anticipation of Donald Trump's announcement, President Barack Obama would like to confirm that he is, indeed, in a long-term loving relationship with that guy he lived with on Mars, and is filing for divorce from that raggedy ol' ho he's married to

Not_Mother October 24, 2012 at 11:56 am

Donald Trump to declare intellectual bankruptcy at noon.

tracyhasfun October 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Moral bankruptcy not even in the running.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:37 pm

"The vacuum between my ears is hyooge!!"

bobbert October 24, 2012 at 1:52 pm

Too late.

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 11:57 am

I am now following him on the Twitterz simply because I can't wait for however long it takes for Jesse to find out what it is and then write what it is and then I have to keep hitting refresh and OMIGOD WHAT DOES TRUMP HAVE ON THE PRESIDENT WHAT WHAT OMIGOD (convulses, falls off couch, dies)

magic_titty October 24, 2012 at 11:57 am

Obama gay tryst? With ARod?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:41 pm

Axelrod? I hear he's into "polling."

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

Not just A-Rod, he made a sandwich with A-Rod and Derek Jeeter.
Um…
Excuse me for just a moment, won't you?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 1:18 pm

You sure like your toast browned "just so," don't you?

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 11:57 am

11:53 AM – Which third-party candidate are you going to support after Donald Trump destroys Obama’s political career? I’m thinking Jill Stein.

I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you all that I'm available as a write-in candidate. My platform is "More Drugs: We Couldn't Do Any Worse"

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

Consider my vote cast.

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I'm here to tell you actor212 is a commie dupe. My platform is and always has been "free weed with every abortion." Vote Wookies!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

I don't want to cast aspersions on my opponent, but I've heard that Wookies was caught with a dwarf in a homosexual liaison that may have involved cocaine and mothballs.

LesBontemps October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I think that's a reason to vote for Wookies.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Oh sure! THROW your vote away!

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Don't believe my opponent's scurrilous accusations — it was a threesome!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

WHAR HOTEL REGISTER?

Mumbletypeg October 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Hmm. I think the username "KissAWookie" has been taken but it's possible that "CaughtInBedWithAWookie" is still available.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Hmm.. that's an interesting position. I am now "Undecided." Wow. This feels kinda good. Let the pandering begin, candidates!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Sayyyyyyyyyyy, have I ever let you on my private jet?

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

This jet, does it have a fully-stocked bar and stewardesses?

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

A hard-working American such as yourself could probably use a tax cut right about now, hmmm?

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Don't fall for this fuzzy math!

Wookies will rape your dog and marry your wife!

Or soemthing like that

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 1:25 pm

Hard-working? Um, I'm a liberal. You obviously haven't done your homework.

eggsacklywright October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

I want a Giant Pander or no dice.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm

YOU GET A NEW PLANE!

Snarkoluffagus October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Count me in!!!

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 11:57 am

Twenty bucks says that it's already been reported on.

Oblios_Cap October 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

The suspense is boring me.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

Masterful.

freakishlywrong October 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

Has any other POTUS had to deal with such unrelenting assfuckery?

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 11:59 am

Guy name of Bill Clinton; you might have read about him

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:45 pm

Yeah, but Slick Willie handed them his dick and encouraged them to whack it with a ruler.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Do you have to become president to have that done? I'm asking for a friend.

Dildeaux October 24, 2012 at 2:06 pm

Some of us might require a yardstick. Just sayin'.

orygoon October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Bill Clinton did–these guys honed their assholes on the Clinton WH. 1000+ subeonas for shit like the Christmas card list.

Bill can't get enough props, to my way of thinking, for getting shit done anyway, and for not being made into a bitter, angry man.

And Republicans cannot get enough murdering-by-votes. If only.

smitallica October 24, 2012 at 12:36 pm

The occasional at-work beej is a can't-miss stress-reliever.

MissTaken October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

James Buchanan liked the assfuckery, especially when it was unrelenting.

BerkeleyBear October 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson and Grover Cleveland to name a few.

Seriously we are a nation whose politics are built on pettiness, hatred and personal attacks. Everything from bigamy (Jackson) to imbecility/inhuman nature (Lincoln) to drunkenness and stupidity (Johnson) to siring illegitimate children (Cleveland) were routine accusations in the press of the 19th century, with greater or lesser degrees of accuracy (Jackson's wife was technically married to her 1st husband when she took up with him, Cleveland did father a child out of wedlock, but no definitive testing shows Lincoln was actually an ape). If anything, the press retracted its fangs from the advent of radio/TV through Nixon mainly because they were afraid they'd lose access or legitimacy. Once cable gave Fox and Ailes a way to profit without giving a shit about access, it was game on.

Goonemeritus October 24, 2012 at 11:58 am

The only thing I want to hear from Donald Trump is “OW! stop hitting me.”

AncienReggie October 24, 2012 at 2:22 pm

Best ever.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 24, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Hard to do that through the ball gag.

Aridzona October 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Gotta hand it to The Donald . . . he has nothing to say and everyone is talking about him.

MissTaken October 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

How am I expected to work today when TRUMP is going to announce the earth-shattering thing that will shatter the earth??!!! ZOMG!

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

You mean your office hasn't given you all the day off to deal with this staggering forthcoming news?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

Get in your car and drive away from the fault line, NOW!!

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

And you just KNOW he'll wait until a couple of minutes after noon just to milk it, the little attention whore.

Mumbletypeg October 24, 2012 at 12:00 pm

I really, REALLY want it to be something that justifies all my trepidation awaiting this Big Thing One Week Before Halloween.
If it doesn't turn out to include the upcoming premiere of
"Things That Go 'Trump' In the Night: The Musical" — starring his own hair as guest Creature Featured, I just might lose faith in The Donald.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

I get the feeling Obama's sitting in the Oval Office, refreshing his screen saying "Proceed, Mr Trump"

Nah. Just kidding. He's probably doing something unimportant like saving the world.

I'm kinda amazed that Trump is still smarting after the asskicking over the birth certificate.

CommieDad October 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

Damn it! I already voted. Too late now.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Churchill was right, democracy really is the worst form of government!

MC5 October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It's 12:01 asshole.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

12:04 now

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:51 pm

…do you know where your fuckin' dignity is?!

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 11:26 pm

Even wise old Uncle Bobby don't know that… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1pNEhVcumU&fe

Snarkoluffagus October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

Donald Trump a TOOL for the ages. Oh i know what it is that thing on his head really is his hair??

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

What is "choom gang" supposed to mean, anyway? I remember there was a troll a while back that kept repeating that, but of course he made no sense.

MissTaken October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

The group of pot smoking turkeys Obama hung out with in high school supposedly called themselves the "choom gang".

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Wait, Obama smoked pot when he was younger? Why that makes him just like almost every single other person in the United States!

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

He also…*glances side to side, whispering*….snorted coke.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I half expected Trump to announce that Barry inhaled.

BoroPrimorac October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

That's what Obama called his group of pot head friends.

freakishlywrong October 24, 2012 at 12:02 pm

It's the Fucktober surprise!

magic_titty October 24, 2012 at 12:04 pm

Anyone watching this? FAILLLLLLLURRRRRE.

pdiddycornchips October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

i'm at work and can't take part in the festivities. What is it????

eggsacklywright October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

Maybe one of Chump's sekrit detectives in Havaii finally found something. Like a seashell, such as.

larrykat October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Found by U.S. Americans I hope.

MC5 October 24, 2012 at 12:05 pm

What an asshole.

CommieDad October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

If trump reveals his comb over, I will give $5 to the charity — 501c(3) only please — of his choice.

Maman October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

What? You don't want to give to a Republican superpac? Shocking!

RevJuanMessycan October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

Wait, is Ronald Mc… I mean, Donald Toupe being sworn in using a bound stack of NatGeos or something? I've signed cell phone contracts thicker than that!

PubOption October 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

It's the version of his accounts ledger that he shows to the IRS.

midnighttoker69 October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

How fucking lame … gamechanger he said … information, he promised … what a silly fucking attention whore.

FakaktaSouth October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

I just want to say that I hate myself for sitting here waiting on this. This damn-well be something exciting to make fun of or I am going to be PISSED.

Yep, fuck this guy. What a fucking loser. This is not an announcement, this is a bunch of bullshit.

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

TRUUUUUUUUUUMP!

eggsacklywright October 24, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Someone throws a shoe at him while he's revealing. Donald Ducks. Film at 11.

BoroPrimorac October 24, 2012 at 12:06 pm

There's something not at all surprising about the Donald. President Black guy humiliated him in front of a bunch of people and he hasn't been able to live it down.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

This.

larrykat October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

This is even below Trump's standards. What a fucking idiot. A whole bunch of nothing – but then this is not about Trump, right? It's about 'Merica.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

How about $5 mil to Mitt's favorite charity if he releases his tax returns?

Wadisay October 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

If I want to give $5 million to the Mormon Church, I will just join and get the 74 virgins, or whatever.

Rhino October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

GAME CHANGER!!!

Wait? What?

ManchuCandidate October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Transcripts? Transcripts?

Holy fuck.

asterixaverni October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

That's it? That's all he's got??

Asshole. I'm going to lunch.

widestanceromance October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Another day, another massively YUGE Trumpian FAIL.

MC5 October 24, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Donald Trump to charities: "Fuck you."

weejee October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Is Dubya now doing PR for the Donald?

Chow Yun Flat October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

An oral contract with Donald Trump isn't worth the paper it is printed on.

Tilley October 24, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Please don't use the word "oral" within two words of "Donald Trump." oww my stomach!

iTuna October 24, 2012 at 12:08 pm

Barry should donate 5 million bucks in Donald Trump's name to a wig-making charity.

Chow Yun Flat October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Well, at least the game changer wasn't about Trump.

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Trump: I got nothin'.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

"But let's see if I can buy it…"

freakishlywrong October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The Donald is a racist. That is all.

Tilley October 24, 2012 at 3:54 pm

Well, that's not quite all. He's also an enema-bag and a cloven-footed pile of useless pus-covered gangrenous offal.

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Larry Flynt to immediately announce he will give $5 million to the charity of Trump's choice if wife #3 will pose for Penthouse.

FlownOver October 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Hustler. Close, though.

imissopus October 24, 2012 at 2:31 pm

Tomato, to-mah-to. Or in this case, tomatoes, to-mah-toes.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

The Trump announcement is that…he will give $5 million to a charity of Obama’s choice if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport applications.

*sound effect of PacMan being eaten*

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm
BoroPrimorac October 24, 2012 at 12:09 pm

Make it at east fifty million, you fucking piker.

LesBontemps October 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

Will Donald Trump's "hair" now finally reach down and strangle him?

MissTaken October 24, 2012 at 12:10 pm

College transcripts for $$? Seriously? How is that a bombshell?

Selfish_T October 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

And Breitbart's Institutional Left Doomsday clock still flashes zeros.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Jeez … is that guy still dead?

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

You should know — isn't it time to baste him with some more mop sauce?

HistoriCat October 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

Your guys didn't lose track of him, did they?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:26 pm

J.K. … I'm sure he's down here somwhere.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

That's a game changer? Just bringing up the tired old screams of "Why won't Obama release his transcripts, like no presidential candidate ever before has ever done, or even been asked to do?" That's it?

Yep, I was right; nothing but Trump screaming for attention.And the media dutifully gave it to him. He didn't even have anything to say.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

He may have used up his last bail bond card with this one, though.

CindynEncinitas October 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

God, let's hope so. Next thing you know he will be scouring Battle Creek, Michigan for proof Obama secretly has the real decoder ring.

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm

I'm pleased to note that the NYT seems to have classified this as not actually fit to print.

Goonemeritus October 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

Could the charity of his choice be “The National Foundation for throwing Donald Trump a Really Good Beating”?

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I know some guys.
/ethnic/

Goonemeritus October 24, 2012 at 1:26 pm

Who doesn't?

Lucidamente1 October 24, 2012 at 12:11 pm

"Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

How much to release that hairpiece back into the wild?

orygoon October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

America: a place where morons are rich, and I am not.

Esteev October 24, 2012 at 1:20 pm

Huff some paint. That'll dumb you down to Trumps level. Then the cash just starts rolling in!

Wait. You do have rich parents, right?

cognachas4paws October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Well, this certainly isn't a BFD. More like a BF Fail.

ph7 October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Trump, I'll sell you mine for $2.5M.

Dr_Zoidberg October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Oh, fuck off, Trump. You are more irrelevant than Caribou Barbie.

Geminisunmars October 24, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Also.

CivicHoliday October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

MAJOR UPDATE: my cat's breath smells like cat food

PhilippePetain October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Donald Trump is the sound of air going out of five million balloons three hundred times a day.

SexySmurf October 24, 2012 at 12:12 pm

That announcement was a lot like having sex with Donald Trump: disappointing, all about him and lasted less than 3 minutes.

cassamandra October 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

thanks for taking it upon yourself to do the research..

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

No kidding — I even feel a bit dirty now.

magic_titty October 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

Shoulda went with the 'Barry was Stringer Bell at Columbia' story.

OddAssCity October 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Trump had run out of ideas for exposés of the President. He knew if he announced that he would make an announcement, others would try to guess what it would be, and he'd have a whole bunch of new stuff to send investigators out to dig into. Mr. Trump, is Hawaii still available? Because I could sure use about a two week investigation there.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

Except for the "new stuff" part; every alleged revelation about Obama turns out to be old news covered long ago.

Doktor Zoom October 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Screw the college transcripts, I want the details of the research papers he wrote.

HOW CAN WE CHOOSE A PREZNIT WITHOUT KNOWING WHETHER HE HAS MASTERED MLA CITATION FORMAT?

smitallica October 24, 2012 at 12:40 pm

STRUNK & WHITE LIBEL!!

vulpes82 October 24, 2012 at 12:55 pm

No, no, no, Professor Herr Doktor! CHICAGO citation format!

Doktor Zoom October 24, 2012 at 1:13 pm

If we had Comments of the Day (which we do not), that would be it!

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

No AMA style?! What kind of Doktor are you?!

Doktor Zoom October 24, 2012 at 2:19 pm

Phud in rhetoric & composition. MLA all the way.

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:19 pm

Personally, I'd be lobbying hard for this one, which isn't getting anything like the love it deserves.

ETA: stoopit comment-not-finding ID, that link was supposed to go the the comment where CK replied to "It's 12:01" with "…do you know where your fuckin' dignity is?!"

LibrarianX October 24, 2012 at 12:15 pm

I am SOOOO over performance art.

Lucidamente1 October 24, 2012 at 12:16 pm

The only thing more ingenious would be if someone called for the arrest of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

cassamandra October 24, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Gee, "comments are disabled" on Hairpiece's youtube. Why would that be?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Because only Donny's words are important.

BigSkullF*ckingDog October 24, 2012 at 12:17 pm

YAWN.

Sharkey October 24, 2012 at 12:17 pm

Ha ha! All you guys fell for it, didn't you?

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Obama's making a list:
1. Planned Parenthood
2. League of Women Voters
3. PBS/NPR
4. ?

Goonemeritus October 24, 2012 at 1:28 pm

ACLU

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I vote for everything on this list, just because.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 11:34 pm

Tangerine Tango, Pantone 17-1463

Snarkoluffagus October 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm

Donald Dump what a loser!!! I'll give you a Schekel if you prove that thing on top of your head is not really running the show{{:(

keepwalkin October 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Donald Trump: "I sucked his cock! Now you tell me, is that a BIG STORY or what?!"

Oh wait, what is this noise?

teebob2000 October 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

"Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…"

Gleem McShineys October 24, 2012 at 1:55 pm

Being Rickrolled is better than being Trumproasted.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

Now if only he could find the one armed man who murdered his wife.

grex1949 October 24, 2012 at 12:19 pm

This would be unbelievably stupid, except that it involves Donald Trump, and nothing involving Trump is unbelievably stupid.

insidebeltway October 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Wow! Almost as good as his surprise at the RNC.

Rhino October 24, 2012 at 12:22 pm

Part of me wishes that Pres. Obama would call Trump's bluff and release them, then demand the donation be made to the United Negro College Fund. That would totally chap Trump's disgusting, soulless ass.

HouseOfTheBlueLights October 24, 2012 at 3:12 pm

No, to Islamic Relief Worldwide

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

Or that charity with ties to Al Qaeda. Then he could arrest Trump for aiding terrorists.

deanbooth October 24, 2012 at 12:23 pm

KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES!

Beowoof October 24, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Shit he couldn't afford to do that.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 12:24 pm

The comb over's too damn high!

missannthropethefirst October 24, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Yeah, let's see a passport application with all the sensitive material on it. College applications? Like any school still has the applications. Harvard Law School says right on its website that it destroys all applications after three years. What president has released their college transcripts? I can't think of any.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

No other president has released their college transcripts, but see, all the other presidents were white.

vulpes82 October 24, 2012 at 12:56 pm

OBAMA IS BLACK?!!1!!!??????

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:33 pm

Strange that his esteemed opponents never seem to mention or refer to that.

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2012 at 4:37 pm

If only someone had found this out before the 2008 election.

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 12:56 pm

Yeah, let's see a passport application with all the sensitive material on it.

I remember that Orly Taitz was demanding that Obama release his social security number, to prove that he wasn't using a ton of "fraudulent" social security numbers, because he's not an American.

Honestly, I'm pretty sure my spam filter is filled with more convincing phishing attempts.

BlueStateLibel October 24, 2012 at 12:26 pm

Trump would only go belly-up and bankrupt if Prez agreed.

mavenmaven October 24, 2012 at 12:27 pm

He's the least transparent because he has the darkest skin, of course.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 1:04 pm

Most novel, Sir!

Meadow58 October 24, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Can we go home now????? Pleeeeeeease????

Detesticle October 24, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Hey, I just woke up late to the Trump thing, so can someone tell me …

Did he find something in Geraldo Rivera's vault?

Flat_Earther October 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm

Where's my bayonet?

mrblifil October 24, 2012 at 12:33 pm

I am Donald J. Trump, millionaire, I own a mansion and a yacht…

spends2much October 24, 2012 at 12:35 pm

Wow, this changes EVERYTHING. How could anyone vote for a guy who… wait, what??

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 12:36 pm

Until we learn the full details of Obummer's sophomore Two-Dimensional Design Fundamentals class, this once great nation will continue to teeter on the edge of the precipice of tyranny.

Or we could just buy the textbook. You decide, sheeple!

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I suppose so…
Except that the 1979 edition of "Fundamentals of Two-Dimensional Design" is OUT OF PRINT!!!
Dun dun dunnn!!

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Oh. My. Gawd.

mingey October 24, 2012 at 12:39 pm

What a terrible shame it would be for Obama to force Trump not to give to worthy charities the 5 million dollars he would SO LOVE to donate…oh, there's nothing keeping Trump from doing that anyway? Huh, I guess he's just an asshole.

Also, I believe there's some meat on his desk that he's tenderizing with karate chops while taping. Multitasking!

Steverino247 October 24, 2012 at 12:39 pm

I'll see your five million and agree to release my transcripts in exchange for Mitt Romney's tax returns for the past 20 years.

smitallica October 24, 2012 at 12:41 pm

"I'll give $5 million dollars to anyone who will pay attention to me for another ten minutes. Please?"

Disassembly October 24, 2012 at 12:43 pm

President Obama, please release your VCR user manual!!!

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

I have it on good authority, he owned a Betamax INPEECH!

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 1:39 pm

I have it on good authority that he let his children starve just so he could amass his laserdisc collection.

Disassembly October 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

What's wrong with VHS, Obeta?

lulzmonger October 24, 2012 at 12:47 pm

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING??? SHOW AMERIKA THE LONG-FORM VIDEO, THE DONALD!

Obama graduated from Hahvard magna cum laude which means his marks were something at or above 80% … which surely even a blithering yut like Trump knows full well. So Trump's willing to pay five big ones for a specific number over 80 & some mundane passport info – all of which would reveal zero information of real value or merit, thus perfectly echoing the net worth to humanity of this stentorian sack of toxic detritus shaped like a person.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:49 pm

He's releasing Trump Mini — all the mendacity, venality and vulgarity of the full-sized Trump, in a size that's perfect for children's television!

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 10:40 pm

A bite-sized Trump is a type of evil than only Holocaust survivors can imagine.

fuflans October 24, 2012 at 12:52 pm

well my day is complete.

barto October 24, 2012 at 12:53 pm

He's a giver, no doubt about it!

Naked_Bunny October 24, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kitten

I feel so left out.

vulpes82 October 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

They're afraid of your whip.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:36 pm

*pats the bunny*

MUHAMMED_PBUH October 24, 2012 at 12:57 pm

Trump has only given $3.7 million to his own charitable foundation since 1990 and hasn't made any donations whatsoever for the past two years.

Naked_Bunny October 24, 2012 at 12:58 pm

I'm sure if Obama would just release his transcripts, it would stop all the nagging about his transcripts. Worked so well for his birth certificate!

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 12:59 pm

Hahahahaha.

I'M DONALD TRUMP LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE LOOK AT MEEEEEE

No Donald, we do not want to look at you, and not just because of that stuffed gopher on your head that you inexplicably continue to claim is hair.

I'd like to point out that I wasn't far off when I suggested that the big surprise was going to be that there was no surprise.

Schmegeg October 24, 2012 at 1:00 pm

Trying to think of something snarky to say, but WTF?? The Passport Application?

ckinsobe October 24, 2012 at 1:02 pm

And here I thought he would be announcing Robme as contestant on next Celebrity Apprentice.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:03 pm

Really, all that needs to be said about Donald Trump is that his *casinos* went bankrupt three times.

Nostrildamus October 24, 2012 at 1:05 pm

If Trump had any credibility at all, this would be a nice way for Barry to pick up a easy $5 mil.

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 1:06 pm

Dolan Trump is a racist buffoon. This actually MIGHT blow the race wide open, but probably not in the way Trump thinks.

gurukalehuru October 24, 2012 at 1:08 pm

O should call his bluff. He really should. Make that check payable to Planned Parenthood.
But who in the world has their own passport applications?

sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Why, it's almost as if he deliberately added a completely impossible requirement so he'd never have to pony up.

Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 1:09 pm

Did he play "Shattered" over the closing credits of this shit?

bfddad October 24, 2012 at 1:11 pm

Hold on here – when he says Obama is the "least transparent," is that a racist thing?

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Unless he's referring to Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man, which I very seriously doubt.

DickWharfinger October 24, 2012 at 1:12 pm

I will donate $15 to your favorite peddletwat if you will give a proper burial for that deceased gerbil glued to your forehead.

MUHAMMED_PBUH October 24, 2012 at 1:21 pm

All Trump has to do to collect FIVE MILLION [MEDIA] WHORE DIAMONDS from me for the spouse or girlfriend of his choice is to eat 53 live cockroaches on national television like that guy in Florida last week. When he does that to my satisfaction, the whore diamonds will be delivered immediately to her adultfriendfinder.com profile. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this happen.

mookwrthwilson October 24, 2012 at 1:30 pm

I just reported that video to You Tube as a scam/fraud…but in reality I was referring to the man in the video, not the video itself

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 1:35 pm

I love the smell of closure in the morning.

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:38 pm

For some reason, I'm reminded of this:

Lisa [about her doll's name]: All right. Now all we need is a name.

Bart: How about Blabbermouth, the jerky doll for jerks?

Lisa: How about Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom?

Stacy Lavelle: Ehh, not enough commercial appeal.

Bart: Wendy Windbag? Ugly Doris? Hortense the Mule-Faced Doll!

Stacy Lavelle: I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her Lisa Lionheart.

Bart: No, Loudmouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! [no one listens] I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello, pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart! Look at me, look at me, look at me!

Monsieur_Grumpe October 24, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Donald: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
Some Person: I’m kind of busy.
Donald: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
Some Person: Ok Donald, I’m looking.
Donald: Ha ha! Made ya look!

poorgradstudent October 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

There's a surprise; Trump fails at even making an irrelevant joke of himself.

bobbert October 24, 2012 at 2:04 pm

This is so vapid, I only give it 200 millitrumps.

Gleem McShineys October 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

So is this the question mark step, or the "collect underpants" step, Donald?

Ground Zero Mostel October 24, 2012 at 2:17 pm

So lemme get this straight. If Obama doesn't release the transcripts, then Trump won't give the money to charity and children will die. So Trump is a terrorist holding the children hostage. Good thing we don't negotiate with terrorists.

Disassembly October 24, 2012 at 2:21 pm

Remember when this guy was the frontrunner?

docterry6973 October 24, 2012 at 2:23 pm

Today is a good day. Every person on earth who cares to say anything about this will say that Donald Trump is a fool. Every.Person.On.Earth.

The Donald is completely and totally alone on this. Compared to Donald Trump, Robinson Crusoe was on London Bridge at Noon.

HelmutNewton October 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm

Here's my counter-offer: $25 to my charity of choice if Donald Trump allows himself to be buried up to his neck in Central Park so passersby can spit and piss on him.

Sassomatic October 24, 2012 at 3:04 pm

Obama will not release his college records because they show that all he studied was black history, black studies, black literature, black liberation theology, black speech, black sociology, black blacking, philosophy of blackness, getting b(l)ack at whitey, and MUSLIM.

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

He also took an art class… charcoal drawing.

mr bojangles October 24, 2012 at 5:03 pm

ftw x 5 million!

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

The black arts…

malsperanza October 24, 2012 at 3:08 pm

"character-limited" is definitely the operative term here.

freddymcmurray October 24, 2012 at 4:12 pm

We know what you mean by "least transparent president in the history of this country", douche.
http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/223609

Generation[redacted] October 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm

I don't care what you guys say. I think Tony Clifton is hilarious.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 11:29 pm

I'm still trying to figure out Morecambe and Wise.

mr bojangles October 24, 2012 at 4:55 pm

obama raped (but did not kill) donald trump in 1990!

bloggingbalkanistan October 24, 2012 at 10:01 pm

but was it a legitimate rape?

ttommyunger October 24, 2012 at 10:40 pm

I will click on a Trump video when you promise me it shows him giving Bishop Romney a reach-around during one of their "strategy sessions". Until then, no fucking way.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 10:49 pm

I wonder if the LDS have baptized Joey Bishop yet?

ttommyunger October 24, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Don't know, but I'll bet Ol Blue Eyes pressed his head down on a few occasions.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Sinatra was a Nelson Riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a cannoli.

ttommyunger October 24, 2012 at 11:29 pm

My 77 year-old sister says she still gets wet when she hears him sing.

glamourdammerung October 24, 2012 at 11:39 pm
SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:13 pm

That's confidential business information — strictly between me, my pimp, my dealer and the guy who brings the camels around.

Incitefully_Joe October 24, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Chet Kincaid_ October 24, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Has that shit been canceled yet!? I'm tired of these people reaching into The Bad Olde Book Of Showbiz Ideas and pulling out "anthropomorphic monkeys" and "guys disguised as broads." ("Doctors fuck like rabbits due to the stress of being Gods" also, except Meryl Streep's daughter on that new show is cute.)

SayItWithWookies October 24, 2012 at 12:23 pm

I think you've got dibs on that one, my dear.

SorosBot October 24, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Incitefully_Joe October 25, 2012 at 6:31 am

CW has, of late, been on a roll with show ideas that should, by all rights, be old and busted, but somehow actually end up being okay despite that.

See their teen vampire romance drama show, for example.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 12:32 pm

What is my esteemed colleague hiding? Camels are people too, my friend!

tessiee October 24, 2012 at 1:14 pm
sullivanst October 24, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Bar fully stocked. Stewardesses fully stockinged.

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Not "fully" as such. Thigh highs

actor212 October 24, 2012 at 2:08 pm

I will increase your welfare check

HistoriCat October 24, 2012 at 2:17 pm

Leave my dog alone!

Biel_ze_Bubba October 24, 2012 at 6:32 pm

Harvard Law Review? Blue Book or GTFO. (Literally.)

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 11:39 pm

I can see his hometown of Hoboken out my window. Yuppieville, USA. A far cry from the days when Frank's dad ran a low life dive and his mom was a Democratic ward healer and abortionist. Folks had character then (plus they were poorer than shit).

ttommyunger October 24, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Too bad so many of us thought smoking was cool in those days.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

TribecaMike October 24, 2012 at 11:54 pm

Good for your sis. On stage, Frank would mime rolling a cig and spitting out the tobacco at the end while singing "One For The Road" in a way that was almost Chaplinesque. Creepy guy, great singer.

Sent from Sally Field via William Lloyd Garrison.

ttommyunger October 25, 2012 at 1:42 am

A great talent in many fields.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

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