you just got trumped

October 24, 2012: The Day Trump Changed Everything (LIVEBLOG)

this will happen one day, mark our wordsLadies and gentlemen, boys and girls, puppies and kittens: we are a mere twenty minutes away from Donald Trump changing everything by revealing something incredibly stupid and probably racist about Barack Obama.

He will be doing this via Facebook and Twitter, so we, of course, are going to liveblog whatever Donald Trump is releasing in character-limited fashion. This could potentially change the election! Or get Donald Trump another ten minutes of TV time on Fox & Friends tomorrow.

What do you think the surprise is? We will keep you updated with up-to-the-second baseless speculation on when Donald Trump with reserve his place in Hell, which within ten years will have a shoddily built Trump hotel in it.

11:46 AM – Will Donald Trump’s big announcement be a tweet that leads to his Facebook page? Will it be a Facebook link to a series of Tweets? NOBODY FUCKING KNOWS.

11:48 AM – Early indications are that Obama may be giving up on several swing states, including Indiana, South Carolina and Arizona, in anticipation of Trump announcement.

11:49 AM – Whatever this is, please don’t let it ruin the Choom Gang. I love those wacky kids.

11:51 AM – God’s rape candidate Dick Mourdock is holding a press conference right now. He said determining whether God loves rape is “above his pay grade.”

11:53 AM – Which third-party candidate are you going to support after Donald Trump destroys Obama’s political career? I’m thinking Jill Stein.

11:58 AM – Two minutes. Tell your Obamatard friends you love them.

11:59 AM – Arewethereyet arewethereyet arewethereyet

12:02 PM – The Trump announcement is that…he will give $5 million to a charity of Obama’s choice if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport applications. What the fuck, Trump? HOW COULD YOU CHANGE THE GAME SO HARD?

No, seriously, fuck Donald Trump.

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334 comments

    1. tracyhasfun

      I can't hate anyone more than I hate Ann Coulter. I am a sweet, loving, albeit sarcastic kinda person, who can nearly always see the good in things. I hate AC with the fire of a thousand suns, I wish her ill every time I see her face. If I (accidentally) hear her voice, I have to drink myself to a blackout in order to try and obliterate it.

      Donald Trump sucks donkey balls, though.

        1. tracyhasfun

          Ok. I think I may have been a victim of a republican mind-swipe. Who were these two again? I remember…I remember…was there a fat guy and a dumb cowboy?

  1. Loch_Nessosaur

    He's got 15 more minutes to be trending on Twitter and fapping to all the attention.

    Edit: 12:03 pm – no longer trending.

    1. vulpes82

      I'm ashamed to say it, but when I was a young child in the 80s, I loved Trump. I wanted to be rich, and rich=Trump, to my juvenile eyes. I even wanted his boardgame! But then the 80s ended, and he dumped Ivana, and that was it for me. My budding gayness just could not take him cheating on Ivana.

  2. SexySmurf

    The surprise is that Obama's been dead this entire time, and I'm the only one who can see his ghost.

    1. Incitefully_Joe

      The surprise is that the trees are making people commit political suicide, and also some guy actually basically tells you that point blank halfway through the movie.

      Or is it that the secret illegal aliens hate water, and also exactly the same thing I just said.

      I'm not even really trying here, the main point is fuck M. Night Shamylan, and also too Donald Trump.

  3. Biel_ze_Bubba

    The shoddily-built Trump Hell Hotel (and casino, natch) is part of a cooperative agreement, in exchange for Donald allowing us to bring hell to the denizens of his properties.

  4. freakishlywrong

    That image doesn't do justice to his thick fingers. And his vulgarity. Nothing comes close to depicting his vulgarity.

  5. mavenmaven

    More footage of Obama speaking to a black person, William Ayers, or Saul Alinsky (who is really Obama's father).

  6. Beowoof

    I am hoping that he announces his crappy TV show is cancelled. The only way it is a game changer is if NBC did it at Romeny's request.

  7. Blueb4sinrise

    Trump will reveal that, contrary to common wisdom, he has actually filed for corporate bankruptcy 5 TIMES, not 4.

  8. SorosBot

    The surprise is that the next season of The Apprentice is starting soon, and someone wants attention for ratings.

    1. Incitefully_Joe

      That's actually not a surprise. NBC has demonstrated of late it has a lead ear for quality programming even compared to Fox of a few years ago, back when they were cancelling Futurama and Firefly.

      1. SorosBot

        Come on, sticking the funniest show on TV in the Friday dead slot, then firing the show runner, then pulling it off the air until who knows when right before the season was about to start was such a great idea!

          1. Chet Kincaid_

            Has that shit been canceled yet!? I'm tired of these people reaching into The Bad Olde Book Of Showbiz Ideas and pulling out "anthropomorphic monkeys" and "guys disguised as broads." ("Doctors fuck like rabbits due to the stress of being Gods" also, except Meryl Streep's daughter on that new show is cute.)

          2. Incitefully_Joe

            CW has, of late, been on a roll with show ideas that should, by all rights, be old and busted, but somehow actually end up being okay despite that.

            See their teen vampire romance drama show, for example.

  9. Estproph

    Obama is a space alien reptilian, here to steal Earth's icecaps. Trump has the proof, because his hair told him.

  10. FakaktaSouth

    You KNOW this is going to be EARTHSHATTERING if it's coming through Facebook and Twitter for Christ's sake. EVERYTHING that matters is ALWAYS tweeted, no? I hate this world.

  11. actor212

    The White House released the following statement:

    In anticipation of Donald Trump's announcement, President Barack Obama would like to confirm that he is, indeed, in a long-term loving relationship with that guy he lived with on Mars, and is filing for divorce from that raggedy ol' ho he's married to

  12. imissopus

    I am now following him on the Twitterz simply because I can't wait for however long it takes for Jesse to find out what it is and then write what it is and then I have to keep hitting refresh and OMIGOD WHAT DOES TRUMP HAVE ON THE PRESIDENT WHAT WHAT OMIGOD (convulses, falls off couch, dies)

    1. tessiee

      Not just A-Rod, he made a sandwich with A-Rod and Derek Jeeter.
      Um…
      Excuse me for just a moment, won't you?

  13. actor212

    11:53 AM – Which third-party candidate are you going to support after Donald Trump destroys Obama’s political career? I’m thinking Jill Stein.

    I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you all that I'm available as a write-in candidate. My platform is "More Drugs: We Couldn't Do Any Worse"

      1. actor212

        I don't want to cast aspersions on my opponent, but I've heard that Wookies was caught with a dwarf in a homosexual liaison that may have involved cocaine and mothballs.

      2. Esteev

        Hmm.. that's an interesting position. I am now "Undecided." Wow. This feels kinda good. Let the pandering begin, candidates!

    1. orygoon

      Bill Clinton did–these guys honed their assholes on the Clinton WH. 1000+ subeonas for shit like the Christmas card list.

      Bill can't get enough props, to my way of thinking, for getting shit done anyway, and for not being made into a bitter, angry man.

      And Republicans cannot get enough murdering-by-votes. If only.

    2. BerkeleyBear

      John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Johnson and Grover Cleveland to name a few.

      Seriously we are a nation whose politics are built on pettiness, hatred and personal attacks. Everything from bigamy (Jackson) to imbecility/inhuman nature (Lincoln) to drunkenness and stupidity (Johnson) to siring illegitimate children (Cleveland) were routine accusations in the press of the 19th century, with greater or lesser degrees of accuracy (Jackson's wife was technically married to her 1st husband when she took up with him, Cleveland did father a child out of wedlock, but no definitive testing shows Lincoln was actually an ape). If anything, the press retracted its fangs from the advent of radio/TV through Nixon mainly because they were afraid they'd lose access or legitimacy. Once cable gave Fox and Ailes a way to profit without giving a shit about access, it was game on.

  14. MissTaken

    How am I expected to work today when TRUMP is going to announce the earth-shattering thing that will shatter the earth??!!! ZOMG!

  15. Mumbletypeg

    I really, REALLY want it to be something that justifies all my trepidation awaiting this Big Thing One Week Before Halloween.
    If it doesn't turn out to include the upcoming premiere of
    "Things That Go 'Trump' In the Night: The Musical" — starring his own hair as guest Creature Featured, I just might lose faith in The Donald.

  16. actor212

    I get the feeling Obama's sitting in the Oval Office, refreshing his screen saying "Proceed, Mr Trump"

    Nah. Just kidding. He's probably doing something unimportant like saving the world.

    I'm kinda amazed that Trump is still smarting after the asskicking over the birth certificate.

  17. Snarkoluffagus

    Donald Trump a TOOL for the ages. Oh i know what it is that thing on his head really is his hair??

  18. SorosBot

    What is "choom gang" supposed to mean, anyway? I remember there was a troll a while back that kept repeating that, but of course he made no sense.

    1. MissTaken

      The group of pot smoking turkeys Obama hung out with in high school supposedly called themselves the "choom gang".

      1. SorosBot

        Wait, Obama smoked pot when he was younger? Why that makes him just like almost every single other person in the United States!

  19. eggsacklywright

    Maybe one of Chump's sekrit detectives in Havaii finally found something. Like a seashell, such as.

  20. CommieDad

    If trump reveals his comb over, I will give $5 to the charity — 501c(3) only please — of his choice.

  21. RevJuanMessycan

    Wait, is Ronald Mc… I mean, Donald Toupe being sworn in using a bound stack of NatGeos or something? I've signed cell phone contracts thicker than that!

  22. midnighttoker69

    How fucking lame … gamechanger he said … information, he promised … what a silly fucking attention whore.

  23. FakaktaSouth

    I just want to say that I hate myself for sitting here waiting on this. This damn-well be something exciting to make fun of or I am going to be PISSED.

    Yep, fuck this guy. What a fucking loser. This is not an announcement, this is a bunch of bullshit.

  24. BoroPrimorac

    There's something not at all surprising about the Donald. President Black guy humiliated him in front of a bunch of people and he hasn't been able to live it down.

  25. larrykat

    This is even below Trump's standards. What a fucking idiot. A whole bunch of nothing – but then this is not about Trump, right? It's about 'Merica.

    1. Wadisay

      If I want to give $5 million to the Mormon Church, I will just join and get the 74 virgins, or whatever.

    1. Tilley

      Well, that's not quite all. He's also an enema-bag and a cloven-footed pile of useless pus-covered gangrenous offal.

  26. actor212

    The Trump announcement is that…he will give $5 million to a charity of Obama’s choice if Obama releases his college transcripts and passport applications.

    *sound effect of PacMan being eaten*

  27. SorosBot

    That's a game changer? Just bringing up the tired old screams of "Why won't Obama release his transcripts, like no presidential candidate ever before has ever done, or even been asked to do?" That's it?

    Yep, I was right; nothing but Trump screaming for attention.And the media dutifully gave it to him. He didn't even have anything to say.

      1. CindynEncinitas

        God, let's hope so. Next thing you know he will be scouring Battle Creek, Michigan for proof Obama secretly has the real decoder ring.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I'm pleased to note that the NYT seems to have classified this as not actually fit to print.

  28. Goonemeritus

    Could the charity of his choice be “The National Foundation for throwing Donald Trump a Really Good Beating”?

  29. Lucidamente1

    "Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS! "

    1. Esteev

      Huff some paint. That'll dumb you down to Trumps level. Then the cash just starts rolling in!

      Wait. You do have rich parents, right?

  30. SexySmurf

    That announcement was a lot like having sex with Donald Trump: disappointing, all about him and lasted less than 3 minutes.

  31. OddAssCity

    Trump had run out of ideas for exposés of the President. He knew if he announced that he would make an announcement, others would try to guess what it would be, and he'd have a whole bunch of new stuff to send investigators out to dig into. Mr. Trump, is Hawaii still available? Because I could sure use about a two week investigation there.

    1. SorosBot

      Except for the "new stuff" part; every alleged revelation about Obama turns out to be old news covered long ago.

  32. Doktor Zoom

    Screw the college transcripts, I want the details of the research papers he wrote.

    HOW CAN WE CHOOSE A PREZNIT WITHOUT KNOWING WHETHER HE HAS MASTERED MLA CITATION FORMAT?

        1. sullivanst

          Personally, I'd be lobbying hard for this one, which isn't getting anything like the love it deserves.

          ETA: stoopit comment-not-finding ID, that link was supposed to go the the comment where CK replied to "It's 12:01" with "…do you know where your fuckin' dignity is?!"

  33. Lucidamente1

    The only thing more ingenious would be if someone called for the arrest of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

  34. Snarkoluffagus

    Donald Dump what a loser!!! I'll give you a Schekel if you prove that thing on top of your head is not really running the show{{:(

  35. keepwalkin

    Donald Trump: "I sucked his cock! Now you tell me, is that a BIG STORY or what?!"

    Oh wait, what is this noise?

  36. grex1949

    This would be unbelievably stupid, except that it involves Donald Trump, and nothing involving Trump is unbelievably stupid.

  37. Rhino

    Part of me wishes that Pres. Obama would call Trump's bluff and release them, then demand the donation be made to the United Negro College Fund. That would totally chap Trump's disgusting, soulless ass.

      1. Generation[redacted]

        Or that charity with ties to Al Qaeda. Then he could arrest Trump for aiding terrorists.

  38. missannthropethefirst

    Yeah, let's see a passport application with all the sensitive material on it. College applications? Like any school still has the applications. Harvard Law School says right on its website that it destroys all applications after three years. What president has released their college transcripts? I can't think of any.

    1. SorosBot

      No other president has released their college transcripts, but see, all the other presidents were white.

    2. Incitefully_Joe

      Yeah, let's see a passport application with all the sensitive material on it.

      I remember that Orly Taitz was demanding that Obama release his social security number, to prove that he wasn't using a ton of "fraudulent" social security numbers, because he's not an American.

      Honestly, I'm pretty sure my spam filter is filled with more convincing phishing attempts.

  39. Detesticle

    Hey, I just woke up late to the Trump thing, so can someone tell me …

    Did he find something in Geraldo Rivera's vault?

  40. TribecaMike

    Until we learn the full details of Obummer's sophomore Two-Dimensional Design Fundamentals class, this once great nation will continue to teeter on the edge of the precipice of tyranny.

    Or we could just buy the textbook. You decide, sheeple!

    1. tessiee

      I suppose so…
      Except that the 1979 edition of "Fundamentals of Two-Dimensional Design" is OUT OF PRINT!!!
      Dun dun dunnn!!

  41. mingey

    What a terrible shame it would be for Obama to force Trump not to give to worthy charities the 5 million dollars he would SO LOVE to donate…oh, there's nothing keeping Trump from doing that anyway? Huh, I guess he's just an asshole.

    Also, I believe there's some meat on his desk that he's tenderizing with karate chops while taping. Multitasking!

  42. Steverino247

    I'll see your five million and agree to release my transcripts in exchange for Mitt Romney's tax returns for the past 20 years.

  43. smitallica

    "I'll give $5 million dollars to anyone who will pay attention to me for another ten minutes. Please?"

      1. TribecaMike

        I have it on good authority that he let his children starve just so he could amass his laserdisc collection.

  44. lulzmonger

    WHAT ARE YOU HIDING??? SHOW AMERIKA THE LONG-FORM VIDEO, THE DONALD!

    Obama graduated from Hahvard magna cum laude which means his marks were something at or above 80% … which surely even a blithering yut like Trump knows full well. So Trump's willing to pay five big ones for a specific number over 80 & some mundane passport info – all of which would reveal zero information of real value or merit, thus perfectly echoing the net worth to humanity of this stentorian sack of toxic detritus shaped like a person.

  45. MUHAMMED_PBUH

    Trump has only given $3.7 million to his own charitable foundation since 1990 and hasn't made any donations whatsoever for the past two years.

  46. Naked_Bunny

    I'm sure if Obama would just release his transcripts, it would stop all the nagging about his transcripts. Worked so well for his birth certificate!

  47. sullivanst

    Hahahahaha.

    I'M DONALD TRUMP LOOK AT ME LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE LOOK AT MEEEEEE

    No Donald, we do not want to look at you, and not just because of that stuffed gopher on your head that you inexplicably continue to claim is hair.

    I'd like to point out that I wasn't far off when I suggested that the big surprise was going to be that there was no surprise.

  48. tessiee

    Really, all that needs to be said about Donald Trump is that his *casinos* went bankrupt three times.

  49. Nostrildamus

    If Trump had any credibility at all, this would be a nice way for Barry to pick up a easy $5 mil.

    1. sullivanst

      Why, it's almost as if he deliberately added a completely impossible requirement so he'd never have to pony up.

  50. DickWharfinger

    I will donate $15 to your favorite peddletwat if you will give a proper burial for that deceased gerbil glued to your forehead.

  51. MUHAMMED_PBUH

    All Trump has to do to collect FIVE MILLION [MEDIA] WHORE DIAMONDS from me for the spouse or girlfriend of his choice is to eat 53 live cockroaches on national television like that guy in Florida last week. When he does that to my satisfaction, the whore diamonds will be delivered immediately to her adultfriendfinder.com profile. A lot of people will be very, very happy to see this happen.

  52. mookwrthwilson

    I just reported that video to You Tube as a scam/fraud…but in reality I was referring to the man in the video, not the video itself

  53. tessiee

    For some reason, I'm reminded of this:

    Lisa [about her doll's name]: All right. Now all we need is a name.

    Bart: How about Blabbermouth, the jerky doll for jerks?

    Lisa: How about Minerva, after the Roman goddess of wisdom?

    Stacy Lavelle: Ehh, not enough commercial appeal.

    Bart: Wendy Windbag? Ugly Doris? Hortense the Mule-Faced Doll!

    Stacy Lavelle: I think we should name her after Lisa. We'll call her Lisa Lionheart.

    Bart: No, Loudmouth Lisa! Stupid Lisa Garbage Face! [no one listens] I can't stand this any longer. Somebody please pay attention to me! Hello, pay attention to me! Look at me! I'm Bart, I'm Bart! Look at me, look at me, look at me!

  54. Monsieur_Grumpe

    Donald: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
    Some Person: I’m kind of busy.
    Donald: Look at me! Look at me! Look at me!
    Some Person: Ok Donald, I’m looking.
    Donald: Ha ha! Made ya look!

  55. Ground Zero Mostel

    So lemme get this straight. If Obama doesn't release the transcripts, then Trump won't give the money to charity and children will die. So Trump is a terrorist holding the children hostage. Good thing we don't negotiate with terrorists.

  56. docterry6973

    Today is a good day. Every person on earth who cares to say anything about this will say that Donald Trump is a fool. Every.Person.On.Earth.

    The Donald is completely and totally alone on this. Compared to Donald Trump, Robinson Crusoe was on London Bridge at Noon.

  57. HelmutNewton

    Here's my counter-offer: $25 to my charity of choice if Donald Trump allows himself to be buried up to his neck in Central Park so passersby can spit and piss on him.

  58. Sassomatic

    Obama will not release his college records because they show that all he studied was black history, black studies, black literature, black liberation theology, black speech, black sociology, black blacking, philosophy of blackness, getting b(l)ack at whitey, and MUSLIM.

  59. ttommyunger

    I will click on a Trump video when you promise me it shows him giving Bishop Romney a reach-around during one of their "strategy sessions". Until then, no fucking way.

          1. TribecaMike

            I can see his hometown of Hoboken out my window. Yuppieville, USA. A far cry from the days when Frank's dad ran a low life dive and his mom was a Democratic ward healer and abortionist. Folks had character then (plus they were poorer than shit).

          2. ttommyunger

            Too bad so many of us thought smoking was cool in those days.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

          3. TribecaMike

            Good for your sis. On stage, Frank would mime rolling a cig and spitting out the tobacco at the end while singing "One For The Road" in a way that was almost Chaplinesque. Creepy guy, great singer.

            Sent from Sally Field via William Lloyd Garrison.

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