THIS... IS... FLORIDA!Everybody knows Florida politics is serious business, executed by serious people with reasoned and logical beliefs. We should all definitely take them seriously, because they are definitely sane and not at all the opposite of that.

Take Gary Root, for example. The 71-year-old from Naples is less of an activist and more of a yeller of things, but he’s been standing up for his Republican causes in his own way for months now: He gets drunk, goes into Democratic Party offices and yells at them.

Tell Rick Scott he can head back to his lair — there’s a new governor in town, and he’s way better.

But wait! There’s more. Governor Root was arrested last week on trespassing charges, after reportedly barging in, yelling, then throwing a penny, “as that’s all he has left after being taxed by Obama.”

You tell ’em, Governor Root! From New Times Broward-Palm Beach:

According to the report, Root would continually open the office door and start yelling things about Obama to the workers.

Since apparently yelling at a bunch of strangers wasn’t getting the message across, this time around, he came with a prop. He opened the door, yelled bad things about Obama and taxes, and tossed the penny inside the office.

When the arresting officer explained to Root that opening an office door and throwing things at people inside that office is considered trespassing, Root’s argument was, “No one owns that door.”

YEAAAAHHH! No wonder we elected this guy governor! An inspiring orator (“Mr Gorbachev, no one owns that door.”), sure, but he’s also adopted the crucial Republican stance of being completely ignorant of the facts — of COURSE someone owns that door. It doesn’t matter. Obama is a Marxist, and you can say nobody owns it because YOUR COUNTRY IS FALLING APART.

Likewise divorced from reality: Governor Root’s accounting. Root probably isn’t paying more under Obama than he did under anybody else: The average household tax rate in 2009 was found to be 17.4 percent — far lower than the 21-percent average over the past 30 years, and also substantially lower than the average tax rates under Bush.

But none of that matters! We have to cut Governor Root’s taxes NOW, so he will have more pennies to throw at Marxists, to drunkenly defend our freedom from those who would try to feed the hungry and cure the sick.That Lincoln fella on the front would surely approve.
[New Times]

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  • Loch_Nessosaur

    The liquor tax is the only tax this guy has ever paid.

    • I bet he's bought gas for his Hummer.

      • Loch_Nessosaur

        I heard he gives hummers for gas money.

        • nounverb911

          He's Alan West?

        • You may thank me later for leaving a fastball out over the plate.

          • Loch_Nessosaur

            Swoon. I will thumbsie uppie you for all eternity.

    • Terry

      Probably bums money for booze off his kids, so it's really they who are paying the liquor tax.

  • Barbara_

    I voted last night and wore my "I VOTED" sticker on my blouse as I ran my errands. You'd be surprised how many people asked me who I voted for. I even got a dirty look from a woman when I called Romney a "dick." I said in my loudest voice, "I had to vote for President Obama just to prove that I am not a racist."

    • Oblios_Cap

      "I voted for Obama because I wanted to save the ta-tas!"

    • freakishlywrong

      I wonder what she would have done had you called him a "lying dick"?. Take a swing at you?

      • Barbara_

        That would have been epic., Freakishly.

    • Goonemeritus

      You should have said I voted for Obama because I wanted to stick-it to Whitie

    • Boojum

      I'm voting for Obama because I'm afraid Romney will make me wear underwear.

    • hagajim

      Good on you. I voted last night as well, now I can just ignore all the bullshit on the teevee.

    • Esteev

      "I voted for Obama's white half."

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr


    • glamourdammerung

      I voted last night and wore my "I VOTED" sticker on my blouse as I ran my errands. You'd be surprised how many people asked me who I voted for. I even got a dirty look from a woman when I called Romney a "dick." I said in my loudest voice, "I had to vote for President Obama just to prove that I am not a racist."

      You had to vote for President Obama to prove you were not a rapist?

      Actually, that kind of makes sense.

    • ttommyunger

      Every time I go into my favorite biker bar (Mulligans, Marietta, Ga.) I announce that drinks are on me-for everyone who's voting Obama! I have yet to buy anyone's drinks. I do get the stink-eye, though, which is nice…

  • AlterNewt

    This has been a rather odd campaign season.

  • Root’s argument was, “No one owns that door.”

    No, you idiot! It's "No one BUILT that door." Built!

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      Root's just coming down with a case of Sovereign Citizenry. Oh yeah, and he's just Florida stupid.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It's a door, which part of a fucking building, asshole. Somebody has to own it.

      The stupid is strong in this one.

  • CrunchyKnee

    Root needs to go to the Galt Gultch retirement home.

    • Where even the most demented and crippled resident has to fend for themselves

      • Oblios_Cap

        Sadly, most of them end up as some other Gulche's supper.

        • "No, really Senator! That's the good cat food!"

      • Esteev

        The place doesn't have cable so they have to entertain the orderlies somehow.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      With the southern babtists, so he will be dry gulched.

    • Negropolis

      That's quite a name for a roadside Florida canal.

  • SoBeach

    Donating his last penny to the Obama campaign, huh? Guess all the emails got to him.

  • Well to understand about who owns the Doors you gotta ♪♫ Break on thru, break on thru to the other side ♫♪

    • Beowoof

      I do believe the door of perception has been repeatedly be slammed against the good Governor's head as he tried to gain some perception.

    • People are strange, when you're a stranger. Faces look ugly when you're alone.

  • eggsacklywright

    Getting closer to the Root of the problem. Square Root.

    • hagajim

      Cube root actually.

  • HempDogbane

    I do this all the time. Except instead of yelling it's more like just saying "Thanks" and instead of throwing the penny I just put it in the penny cup. But they know what I mean !

  • Oblios_Cap

    Maybe he'd have more money if he wasn't the town drunk. Most of them in this part of America's Dinghus™ blame Obama for all their problems, too, I've noticed.

  • IncenseDebate

    The descendants of Elihu Root sure have gone downhill.

  • Estproph

    Abe Simpson, paging Abe Simpson…

  • nounverb911

    Does Root keep his other pennies in the Caymans?

  • DaSandman

    The heat boils their brains. I'm not kidding. Did a year long gig there one week and have never met a more stupid and savage group of people then the good citizens of Florida.

    Even they admit it.

    • Loch_Nessosaur

      I've been here for 12 years and if I hadn't had such a strong Chicago upbringing I'd be posting on The Blaze right now.

    • SoBeach

      Take a few million mule-headed yankee retirees, a bunch of native, redneck crackers, millions of crazed, anti-communist Cuban exiles, economic refugees from all over the country and the world — leave 'em all standing in line outside a Cracker Barrel while their shoes literally sink into the melted asphalt and the sun pounds them like a mallet — and what do you expect?

      • Terry

        Yes, but eating a wonderful grilled grouper sandwich in an open air restaurant overlooking the Gulf of Mexico is heavenly. Only improved upon by a dozen or so oysters.

        • bobbert

          And, of course, some blind shrimp.

      • DaSandman

        LOL Genius

  • sullivanst

    Apparently, despite the donut hole being drawn closed, somebody still can't afford their meds.

  • freakishlywrong

    And to think we're not even at peak wingnut.

    • elviouslyqueer


    • This is a technological breakthru, sadly, that will see America become the world's largest producer and exporter of wingnut. The boffins call it "frikking". What you do is force water deep into a seam of shale and…

      • Gleem McShineys

        Shamelessness Shale Sands

        There are so many massive reserves of foolishness right here in America that to this day have remained undiscovered. WE'LL NEVER RUN OUT!

    • Esteev


    • HistoriCat

      Peak wingnut is a myth.


    "My Other Weapon Of Mass Destruction Is A Real Bayonet"

  • x111e7thst

    penny is the root of all evil

  • freakishlywrong

    How come I know this ignorant knob is collecting SS and Medicare.

    • Esteev

      This. I was thinking the same thing. Enjoy your voucher, Root. You deserve what you get.

  • barto

    I hope he realizes that that penny is a tax deduction!

    • sullivanst

      No, political donations are not deductible.

    • eggsacklywright

      Keep fuckin' that penny.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Hug a Root, Governor.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Mr. Root? IRS Audit department on Line 2 for you.

  • UnholyMoses

    The average household tax rate in 2009 was found to be 17.4 percent — far lower than the 21-percent average over the past 30 years, and also substantially lower than the average tax rates under Bush.

    Math is an elitist liberal conspiracy not ordained by God.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Reality is an elitist liberal conspiracy not ordained by God.


  • Mittens Howell, III

    It was a Kenyan penny, too.

  • freakishlywrong

    November 7 is going to be interesting. And by interesting I mean terrifying.

    • rickmaci

      I'll be sitting behind barricaded doors and windows with my friends Remington and Glock watching the inauguration if BHO wins. That's when the weirdness will go into full fury. Liberal have Second Amendments remedies too you know.

      • GunToting[Redacted]


  • HRH_Maddie

    I'm picturing the penny incident going a little something like this:

  • Oblios_Cap
    • BigSkullF*ckingDog

      That is just … I can't even … what the ……..

      • Oblios_Cap

        it was on the same page as the article about Root. Blame Rich – without his link I would have never seen it.

      • You can get your furry flag flying tho.

    • elviouslyqueer

      And BOOM, no erections for me for the rest of the year.

    • How do you go undercover at a nudist camp??????

      • tessiee

        And where do you keep your keys?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr


  • En_Buenora

    You didn't build that door!

    • a_pink_poodle

      "You didn't bu- FUCK!"

      But it was too late for a_pink_poodle…

  • Mittens Howell, III

    Let he who is without brains cast the first penny.

    • mrpuma2u

      Nicely done, sir. 543 virtual upfists to you.

  • UnholyMoses

    What's the square root of stupid?

    Whatever it is, that's this guy.

  • Boojum

    Mitt Romney is cornering the market on doors.

  • EatsBabyDingos

    Hey teatard, I hear that when Obama is re-elected, they (and it is always a "they") are going to put his head on the penny. Take that, whirled nuts daily!

  • Lot_49

    My ex-wife lives in Naples.

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    Taxes are too high! And get your hands off my social security/booze allowance!

  • Mittens Howell, III

    If Obama lowers our taxes any more we won't have anything left!!

    Also, this tinfoil hat is scratchy on my forehead..

  • SorosBot

    Hey, so what if Obama has lowered taxes instead of raised them, the right-wing wants to believe that he's raised them, therefore it is so; just as Obama has sent the ATF/UN thugs to take their guns away despite his having neither done nor said anything about gun control. They create their own reality, which cannot be undone by mere facts.

    • PsycWench

      There you go again, you fact- and information-worshiper. You probably even believe in scientific principles.

      • SorosBot

        I have had right-wing friends tell me, several times, "Obama should have cut taxes in the stimulus!" When I tell them that he did, they just refuse to believe it.

    • Esteev

      But by lowering taxes, Obama has obviously raised them. It's called math. And having a drinking problem.

      • GunToting[Redacted]

        And having a drinking problem lead poisoning.

  • PsycWench

    Enough politics, I'm going to Home Depot to pick up some new doors. I figure the price on unowned merch has to be good.

    • glasspusher

      I like to consider myself a home despot

  • BigSkullF*ckingDog

    What is this, some kind of communistic country where nobody owns the doors?

  • Everybody knows Florida politics is serious business, executed by serious people with reasoned and logical beliefs.

    Tightened it up a bit.

  • "This is nothing to sweat bullets over."

    –Eric Cantor [R-VA], campaign HQ, Richmond VA.

  • SorosBot

    You know, I'm beginning to think allowing old people to run an entire state (two actually; see also Arizona) may not be a great idea.

    • Oblios_Cap

      They're not so much old people as they are straight-up crooks.

    • Esteev

      "But I have experien…." *zzzzz*, the old codger did not reply.

  • Wadisay

    I would go down to Romney HQ and do the same, but they only take credit cards.

  • KeepFnThatChicken

    Penny for your thoughts, Republicans.

    • Esteev

      What if they don't have any? Refund?

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Show me on the tax code where the scary man touched you.

  • poorgradstudent

    That's weird, because I didn't even have a penny left when I tried to pay my medical bills in lieu of any insurance during the time I was unemployed.

  • Lucidamente1

    I'm surprised he didn't use the stand-your-ground defense.

  • Governor Root

    In the most recent Detroit City Council elections, one candidate changed his first name to "Reverend" so it would appear on the ballot: Reverend Joe Doakes.

  • Beach_Bubba_Tex

    This is shaping up nicely for a sane conclusion to the 2012 election season.

  • Allmighty_Manos

    "When the arresting officer explained to Root that opening an office door and throwing things at people inside that office is considered trespassing, Root’s argument was, “No one owns that door."

    Sounds commie to me.

  • Lucidamente1

    Does this mean that money is the evil of all Root?

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Evil is the money of Root?

  • Oooh, less than 30 minutes to Trumpmas! *snark*

    • BornInATrailer

      'This is the classiest coal you can find."

  • rickmaci

    "For they sow the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind."

    The Rethuglicon's have sown a firestorm of lies, racism and fear continually for four years. This guy is their legacy. If BHO manages to win, they will gone by 2016.

  • SnarkOff


  • Blueb4sinrise

    HAH! Little did Mr. Root know that the door was covered with a thin film of Demo-cooties!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • fawkedifiknow

    I don't know what this "Governor" Root fella looks like, but I'd be willing to predict that he looks and acts just like my state's present governor will look and act like in 20 years.

    Yes, I'm from Wisconsin. How'd you know?

  • prommie

    See, its a perfect example of "head asploded syndrome." I said back in 2008 that there would be so many fucktards whose heads will asplode at the thought of a Black President, that it would simply make their brains asplode. Now the only part I got wrong was I thought it would be like Scanners (I am so fucking old), with visible, audible exploding heads and gore and brains and skull fragments flying everywhere. It turns out I was wrong, and the actual asplosion is internal, and cannot be detected, except in the victim's behavior. The brain is completely destroyed, of course, and they turn into gibbering, raving fucking loons. And here is the type specimen, head asploded syndrome, caused by Black President phobia.

    • FakaktaSouth

      Why do people have to make things out of things that don't exist? I just don't understand. Being afraid of something that isn't actually after you, or causing you harm seems like a waste of time. I think the more rational among us would realize our taxes are lower and not want to look like the fucking lunatics we are way deep down inside. I guess "My life is better, but that guy is SO BLACK" just doesn't sound as cool?

      • prommie

        Its right up there with "keep the government out of my medicare." You know I am fascinated by sociology, and I am most fascinated by popular delusions and mass follies. Nietzche said that "madness is rare in individuals, but common in societies, nations, governments, organizations, religions" or words to that effect, I learned it from Nietschze Family Circus ( The one I got just now was "we have art, in order not to die of the truth). The point is its so fucking true, there is a madness that arises in groups, people who identify by ideology, their identities become so connected with the ideology, that cognitive dissonance prevents them from being able to see acknowledge or admit anything that would disprove their ideology, as this would also negate their very selves. Its actually not stupidity, its a mass mental illness,

  • BornInATrailer

    Who is on the penny, what is he most famous for doing, and who is in the white house?

    That's some rich symbolism.

  • docterry6973

    I think Maricopa County AZ and Naples FL must be the twin epicenters of the angry old white guy earthquake.

  • Esteev

    When I get drunk and throw pennies, there's usually a good reason.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    This being Floriduh, he's just lucky that nobody inside felt threatened enough to stand their ground.

  • "No one owns that door.”

    I dunno, bro, that sounds kinda socialist.

    • PubOption

      Property is theft!

      • HistoriCat

        Therefore theft is property. Therefore I own this door!

        • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

          NO ONE OWNS THAT DOOR!!!1!!1

  • MegPasadena

    In our Southern California phonebank office, we got a hippy instead.
    He was all about Obama as bad as Bush, because of drones!
    We just told him thank you very much and bye-bye.

    • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

      Did he at least give you a penny?

  • schvitzatura

    Hope he didn't take that penny from the pennies for everyone stash.

    And especially one from the jar for crippled gimp babies…

  • TribecaMike

    Real patriots throw farthings.

  • tessiee

    "Take Gary Root, for example. The 71-year-old from Naples is less of an activist and more of a yeller of things,"

    [pinches bridge of nose in exasperation]
    Oh, for the love of…
    Hey, wait — I don't have any relatives named Gary Root!
    Oh! Naples, FLORIDA!
    Well, OK, then!

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    "No one owns that door"

    I'm sorry, just, what? Fuck. What now?


    I'm sorry. Today's the day I finally lost my fucking mind. I'm going outside to yell at doors. And clouds.

  • ttommyunger

    Sounds tame-for Florida.

  • Baba_NinjaCat12

    A penny saved is a penny earned. — Benjamin Franklin

    My penny being TAXED is a penny thrown at those damn socialist Democrats, ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! — Gary Root

  • glasspusher

    All this time and nobody said "That's one Root Mean Square"

    …or did I miss something?

  • Negropolis

    "No one owns that door" could easily become "no one has lost any" if you guys want it to be.

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