We revealed earlier that Donald Trump will probably tell us all that Barack Obama was the Kenyan Ricky Ross tomorrow, but there is a second, equally credible bombshell that Donald Trump will also probably embarrassingly reveal to absolutely no impact tomorrow: the Obamas once considered divorcing.
With his trademarked humility and circumspection, Donald Trump recently boasted he’s about to announce huge news about President Obama, and one rumor has already been reported: “Douglas Kass, a Florida-based investor who appears on CNBC’s talkshow ‘Squawkbox’ where Trump is often a commentator, tweeted to his 48,000 followers: ’High above the Alps my Gnome has heard that Donald Trump will announce that he has unearthed divorce papers between the Prez and his wife.’”
Michelle reportedly thought [Obama’s 2000 Congressional campaign] was a bad idea, and a new book, Ed Klein’s The Amateur, claims that the stress of the defeat and resulting debt brought the couple to the brink of divorce.
In his book, Klein cites a friend of Michelle Obama who says, “Michelle actually had divorce papers drawn up.” Could those papers have been sitting in some file cabinet all these years? Could Trump’s people have somehow gotten a copy of them?
So, during a difficult time, Michelle Obama might have wanted to divorce Barack, but then didn’t, and now they’re the fucking Huxtables.
This utter humanization of attractive black people with perfect children is sure to sink Barack Obama’s campaign. We’re really hoping that the bombshell is something much less objectionable, like Barack Obama masturbating furiously onto pictures of 9/11 then sending cellphone pics to Jeremiah Wright.