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Walking Morality Tale Lindsay Lohan Really Milking This Whole Undecided ‘Voter’ Thing

undecided voterYou guys, Lindsay Lohan just does NOT know what to do about this whole “presidential race” thing, and it is seriously stressing her out!

Earlier this month chronically underemployed former child star Lindsay Lohan said she was supporting Mitt Romney because “employment is really important right now,” but Politico reports that on Monday she retweeted a message from the Obama campaign: “RT if you’re #ProudOfObama as our commander in chief.” Then, securing her position as the nation’s most undecided voter, Lohan deleted the tweet and declared that no one is more stressed about this historic decision than she is. “Nice work to both @BarackObama and @mittromney…” wrote Lohan. “i’m so relieved that its over. Maybe more than both of you..severe anxiety-God Bless xo L.”

First, Lindsay Lohan, you should see if you can find some sort of stress-reducer, maybe in pill form? Probably in your purse, right there next to the cocaine, heroin, PCP, LSD, mescaline, mushrooms, vodka-tampons and meth.

Then you should shut the fuck up, because you probably aren’t even registered to vote.

The end.

[NewYorkMag]

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Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf

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249 comments

    1. SorosBot

      Why do people with money like Lohan (or Billy Joel, or Kelsey Grammer, or…) ever drive drunk and/or high? They can afford a cab, or even a private driver.

      1. actor212

        Why do they get caught with hookers getting blown in an alley or in the back of the car….Oh, Hugh Grant! So disappointing!

        It's toxic shame, mostly.

        Joel I can get: he lived there, driven there for forty years and probably figured he could handle it in his sleep.

        Not so much, it turns out.

      1. HogeyeGrex

        Well, we've seen plenty of the reverse part. Cowgirl may be the only costume he hasn't tried on yet to pander for votes.

    1. Biel_ze_Bubba

      "she doesn't just have one position, she has them ALL. "

      In the proper context, this is not necessarily a bad thing.

  1. ibwilliamsi

    I think that Lindsay Lohan is ABSOLUTELY representative of the average "undecided" voter at this point in time.

    1. GunToting[Redacted]

      Yeah, I'd still hit that. I'd be sealed head to toe in Tyvek and would need to ensure all my shots were current, but I'm not proud.

    1. SorosBot

      She was fired from the porn biopic on Linda Lovelace for doing too many drugs; now that takes commitment.

  2. YouBetcha

    I hear Bamz might be able to hook you up with some good booger sugar, girl. You should definitely hit that.

    1. caitifty

      Oh come on, their combined brains weigh more than that. Even my dog has 72 grams between his ears..

    2. Esteev

      Would it be like a Battle Royale? Because if there's only 2.5g's left, you know someone's gonna have to die.

    3. UnholyMoses

      That's how much blow the snort at a time, correct?

      Or is it the amount of dignity they have remaining?

  3. Crank_Tango

    I don't care who she votes for, as long as she makes that goddamn sex tape before her transformation into her mother is complete. Also, she needs to do it with red hair. Also, carpet must match drapes.

    1. SorosBot

      It shouldn't take too long with google image search to find the pics of her flashing paparazzi or her Playboy spread.

      1. Crank_Tango

        all sub-standard. I want penetration, fellating, and freckles, preferably shot POV style, but no Paris Hilton night vision. Anal would be a plus.

          1. Crank_Tango

            Let's not get bogged down over minor creative differences. Let's see what we get in the can and sort it out in the editing room. As long as the powder is flowing, I think we are good to go.

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Does your artistic vision include a slow motion bukkake scene and DVDA. If it does you should put it on Kickstarter. I'll donate.

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      Carpet match drapes? I have to imagine that a young like that is going to have bare floors.

    1. LibertyLover

      That's not where you…
      I mean… if you are doing it there…
      You're kinda missing the mark a little….

  4. Joshua Norton

    Dear Penthouse,

    I never thought this would happened to me…but when I found out Lindsay Lohan was voting for Romney, my brain LITERALLY fell out of my head, and I spontaneously decided to support Romney too. It was very hot.

  5. BaldarTFlagass

    Girl, if you're worried about unemployment, there's plenty money to be made blowing collar-popped douches during spring break in Vegas or Daytona.

  6. kittensdontlie

    I'll have what she is having for voting stress. But who wouldn't she not be voting for, if she couldn't not vote for them?????

  7. FakaktaSouth

    Okay, my biggest complaint in political life beside campaign finance reform has long been the acceptance of the Undecided Voter. It just absolutely makes no sense that there is a possible way to not be sure between screwing the country sideways with no possibility of a social safety net, war on Russia, vouchers for old people, never retiring OR acting like women exist beyond pregnant kitchen dwelling and insurance paid free birth control, I mean, what? But this girl, if she is the embodiment of all that is the undecided voter, I guess I was wrong. But I bet she just doesn't KNOW about the free pills.

    1. BaldarTFlagass

      It's probably easier to go get a uterus scrape once in a while than to try and remember to take one of those pills every day.

      1. FakaktaSouth

        I don't know man, if you're already taking em by the handful, you know, what's one more? And it ain't like she can't do enough shots to make sure she swallows real good. On the other hand, Lindsey's uterus HAS to have fallen out by now, no? So maybe it's a non-issue.

        1. Chet Kincaid_

          You don't really ever hear about her fuckin' a whole bunch of people though, do you? She gets off more on crashing cars and blaming the Puerto Rican dude she was with, stuff like that.

          1. FakaktaSouth

            Being a skeeze is not what she is most famous for, what with the fam, coke, cars and rampant alcoholism, but I don't think she got the nickname "Fire-crotch" by keeping it to herself though, do you?

          2. Chet Kincaid_

            You're right, that could be the medical term for her condition. Is Samuel L. Jackson gonna have to chain a bitch to the radiator and play some slide guitar again!?

          3. prommie

            Sounds hot, which movie was this? Ah hell, I know how to finger-punch the information box my own self.

          4. FakaktaSouth

            Black Snake Moan, but it wasn't Lidssss, it's better, it was Christina Ricci! In Daisy Dukes! Crazy Marilyn Manson tail! woop woop! And Justin Timberlake, oddly, but yes, on the list of things to watch it goes.

    2. One_who_wanders

      Let me preface this by saying I have no earthly idea if this is the cause, or where I saw this but I saw a story that said that when voters were told about what was on the GOP platform they couldn't believe that a politician would do that (failure of imagination).
      A little Google fu finds this from Wonkette's best girl: http://maddowblog.msnbc.com/_news/2012/07/09/1264

  8. YouBetcha

    She tweeted Bill Maher later basically asking "Do U Like Me? Circle here– yes/no." You just know Maher broke off a piece of that.

  9. Blunderthing

    God I just love it when the rich/famous fall apart in public and everyone rips them to shreds. I'll take a thigh, please.

    1. MissTaken

      She can barely stand on solid ground so I think her standing on a horse with a bayonet is out of the question.

    1. CommieLibunatic

      Off topic from The Lindsey, but blocky hips shouldn't be able to gyrate like that.

      Also, too, who else is glad those creepy green fuckers can't climb ladders anymore?

  10. actor212

    Y'know, Teh Donald has been trumping (*ahem*) a revelation on Obama that will blow the lid off the race.

    I wonder if maybe Lohan is in on it? Or just on it?

    1. Generation[redacted]

      You can see she's ready to begin the day's shooting on the set of her upcoming movie.

  11. fawkedifiknow

    This Lindsey Graham should not be listed as an undecided voter – he's a warmongering twit from one of the Carolinas and is in the US Senate, for chrissakes.

    Wait, what???

  12. SorosBot

    It sounds like Lohan's about as sure on who she's gonna vote for as she is her sexual orientation.

    1. Negropolis

      Hey, the heart wants what the heart wants. And sometimes, that's both a mountain-full of coke and sacks-full of mushrooms, but your agent keeps you on such a short leash that you can only pay for one at a time.

  13. Trannysurprise

    BREAKING OT!

    Donald Trump to reveal ‘divorce papers of Michelle and Barack Obama’, claims respected financial pundit

  14. MissTaken

    You are such a bunch of Mean Girls. You can't possibly expect her to make a decision as important as Romney vs. Obama without letting her do a line of coke first. Gawd!

  15. Estproph

    "You guys, Lindsay Lohan just does NOT know what to do about this whole “presidential race” thing, and it is seriously stressing her out! "

    What to do? the same thing she always does – a few lines.

  16. kissawookiee

    Shrewd move on the Lindster's part. She knows they're gonna have to re-shoot the Temple Endowment Film when the last VHS cassette finally gives out, and SOMEBODY'S going to have to play Melchizedek.

  17. Callyson

    I read somewhere that a lot of the undecideds end up not voting anyway. FFS, I hope that is true in LiLo's case…

  18. CommieLibunatic

    That tweet, coupled with how stark the choices are in this election, makes me want to compress humanity into bricks and build a giant wall.

  19. delaney_blom

    I don't care if you're ACORN or Nathan Sproul's SAC, you're putting Lohan's voter registration through the shredder.

    1. SorosBot

      It doesn't matter; even if she's registered she'll be too high to remember to vote anyway. Why do you think pot decriminalization couldn't pass even in California?

  20. OneYieldRegular

    I confess I have no idea who Lindsey Lohan is other than that young woman who always seems to be weeping in a courtroom.

  21. Terry

    Lindsay is a slow motion trainwreck. Everyone BUT Lindsay and her kin can see exactly what's coming for her. I wish that she would decide to punt all this stuff, head out hundreds if not thousands of miles away from her family and the entertainment industry, get off drugs, get some education, and live a comfortable and happy life. You know, however, that that wouldn't happen in a million years.

    1. Negropolis

      I give her two more years if she continues the way she is. She's nearing the age when celebrity body's seem to give out after years of substance abuse. If her body still has more in it than that, she'll certainly end up killing herself and/or someone else in an automobile accident. We've seen this story before, even recently.

  22. BlueStateLibel

    She deserves to write a five-page piece for "The Atlantic" detailing these concerns. Also, cons are all up in arms because horses are apparently still used in the military, or were, over a decade ago, and there were only about 20 horses used, but wrong still, because.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      If she did it would be more interesting and cogent than anything McMegan McArdle has ever written for them.

  23. LibertyLover

    That's it. I could take all the drinking and the shoplifting and the drugging and even crashing her car and running over people's feet with said car… but now you tell me that she isn't registered to vote?

    I totally lost all respect for LiLo.

    It's a sad day, but I finally have found a way to quit her….

    What will I do to fill my days now? Sit around and read Wonkette? Oh wait…

    1. SorosBot

      I quit Lohan when her breasts succumbed to Shrinking Actress Disorder.

      RIP, Lindsey Lohan's breasts (2002-2007).

  24. SorosBot

    Mommy told me, yes she told me, I'd meet girls like LiLo;
    She also told me stay away, you'll never know what you'll catch.

  25. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    I think we are seeing some brilliant 3D chess on the part of the Obama campaign here. Trump is about to announce that Obama is a dealer. Lohan has announced she is undecided. Who do you think is going to go for Obama once she finds out that Obama is a dealer? And with her, all the Gen Ys and coke users in America. Trump's brilliant plan is thwarted, and Obama rides the white line to victory!

    QED.

  26. Generation[redacted]

    How was she not on Frank Luntz's panel of undecided voters? Nox Fews really dropped the ball on this one.

  27. azeyote

    maybe she should consider who the fuck will get her out of jail the next time she's in and vote for none of the above.

  28. Esteev

    Can Lindsey be the next debate moderator? If, you know, she's still breathing.

    [Editrix, I am hoping she is. For the lulz and such]

  29. Esteev

    OT: Just heard this phrase uttered in my office: "I truly think Romney's got a shot at this."

    I need a stiff drink.

  30. T3rbo

    God damn it Lindsay, make up your mind so I know how to vote! I can't be the only one who gets her political newsletter in my inbox every Friday?

  31. Blueb4sinrise

    'The Ballad of Lilo'
    by Wonketteers

    Lie low, LiLo.
    You're just embarrassing yourself again.
    Blackout tweeting is never a good idea.

    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?

    But who wouldn't she not be voting for, if she

    couldn't not vote for them.
    Which stranger should she fuck tonight?

    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?

  32. Blueb4sinrise

    She's as relevant as The Donald.
    Hoping to tie her unpaid hotel bills to the National

    Debt
    I wish that she would decide to punt all this stuff
    and live a comfortable and happy life

    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?

    Ah, to be young and chronically underemployed

    again…
    There's a difference between undecided and drunk.

    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?

    Her biggest debate is whether she should do porn or

    not.
    I find this less difficult to fap to

    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?
    Sorry, who?

  33. natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Oh what the hell..

    Hey Gang! You know who ELSE was a failed artist and had a desperate need for attention?

  34. calliecallie

    “i’m so relieved that its over. Maybe more than both of you..severe anxiety"

    She's more anxious about the debate than either of them? Srsly? No wonder she can't get work. Just memorize the fucking lines (or talking points) and give a damn good performance. Kind of like live theater or improv. OMG

  35. DahBoner

    vodka-tampons

    Actually, right before that picture was taken I was telling her that I could read her mind. And she was like nhuhuh. And I was like, OK…let's see. you're thinking you love me and find me irresistable. And she was like laughing and said double nhuhuh. And I was like, oh, uh, yeah, I always get the thought for "love" and "lust" confused in my mind.

    And then we both laughed and did some cocaine, heroin, PCP, LSD, mescaline, mushrooms, vodka-tampons and meth….

  36. Negropolis

    Lindsay is my age, yet she looks to have lived many lifetimes more than myself, which just blows my mind since she is so incredibly wealthy.

  37. owhatever

    I don't want to waste any more of life's precious minutes even thinking about Lindy Loman or whatever its name is.

Comments are closed.