rafalca goes to war

Fox News Cannot Believe Obama Is Unfamiliar With Cutting-Edge Weapon ‘The Bayonet’

Mitt Romney got his ass handed to him last night, but to be fair, sometimes he handed himself his own ass, like when he claimed that Syria was Iran’s “route to the sea” and also, most of the other times that he opened his mouth and words came out. (Maybe the moderator could have helped him out by asking a question about the Cayman Islands? Last we heard, those are foreign!) ANYWAY, probably the finest of these non-self-inflicted ass-handing moments came when Romney was comparing today’s military to the military of the early 20th century, arguing that Obama was going to leave America unsafe forever and ever by refusing to give the Navy a bunch of ships they never asked for. Obama replied that yeah, he’s going to give them fewer ships, because DUH, they use fewer ships, and also, fewer horses and bayonets, IDIOT. This, however, hurt Fox News’ feelings, as it is apparently still remembering with longing 1917 in Flanders Fields. And it also hurt the feelings of this one serviceman who Tweeted at Fox News that we still do use bayonets in the military!

Do we use FEWER horses and bayonets, however, like Obama said we do? Yes, as it turns out, we do! But not the POINT, sheeple. The POINT is that “it may not be clear who doesn’t understand what the military currently uses.” Got that? And Paul Ryan, who knows a little something about having his ass handed to him — well, Ryan is cute. But not too smart. So he is confused. Because gosh, how could the President have compared modern military equipment to horses and bayonets (which, according to Fox News and that one serviceman, we still use)?

What’s important is that we Keep America Safe.™ And we can only do that by increasing military spending, decreasing the deficit, and letting Poors die in the street from totally preventable diseases (except they won’t die in the street because of emergency rooms.) So NOW who’s winning the debate??
[Media Matters] [CBS News]

About the author

Kris E. Benson writes about politics for Wonkette and is pursuing a doctorate in philosophy. This will come in handy for when they finally open that philosophy factory in the next town over. @Kris_E_Benson

View all articles by Kris E. Benson
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    1. Generation[redacted]

      It's my recollection from history class, that McCain fired the cannon until the barrel melted down. Then he grabbed an alligator to fire another round.

      1. Tundra Grifter

        We filled his head with cannon balls, and powdered his behind
        And when we touched the powder off, the gator blew [1.] his mind.


        [1.] "lost" in the original.

      1. YasserArraFeck

        I believe Walnuts attempted – more than once – to bayonet an aircraft carrier with the closest sharp object to hand. A jet fighter, as it turned out.

    1. mrpuma2u

      If the poorz were given bayonets they would stab each other and reduce the number of them sponging off the excellent free emergency room care.

      1. pepperpat

        I don't want my tax dollars used to give free bayonets to them slackers! Let them earn their own.

  1. hagajim

    I am so fucking tired of the damn warmongering by these assholes. I think Obama said something last night about how we spend more than the next 10 countries combined to blow shit up and kill people. When is enough a fuckingnough already!

    1. edgydrifter

      The point-counterpoint I heard on NPR last night addressed this:
      Pundit A: Our current navy is larger than the next thirteen navies combined.
      Pundit B: Yeah, but it isn't big enough to fight a land war in mainland China, so we need a lot more ships.

    2. Jerri

      I believe it was well over a decade ago now when the late, great Bill Hicks said, "After the first three largest armies there's a really big fucking drop-off, okay?"

      I think of it every time Mittens bugs out over how big our military is/is not.

      1. UW8316154

        The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports. So, who is the bigger threat?

  2. YouBetcha

    The schadenfreude is going to be extra special this election cycle. I might just enjoy tuning in to Fox News for a few minutes.

    1. FlyOverGirl

      Why hasn't Fox claimed that Mittens was just quoting Reagan, "my belief has always been . . . that wherever in this land any individual's constitutional rights are being unjustly denied, it is the obligation of the federal government — at point of bayonet if necessary — to restore that individual's constitutional rights.” ?

      1. Biel_ze_Bubba

        Even if he were quoting St. Ronald, the phrase "my belief has always been" coming out of Willard's mouth would grate on the ears.

    2. Wadisay

      One of the happiest moments of the 2008 election was watching Barry declared the winner on Fox. Followed by…10…seconds…of…dead…air.

    3. Dumbedup

      usually, to brave Fox News I have to be drunk AND stoned. I don't remember the experience the next day, and suffer less shame.

    4. Lascauxcaveman

      There will be drinks aplenty at my election night party. But the single bottle of champagne will be sitting on ice until FOX News projects Obama the winner. That's when the cork comes out of the bubbly.

      I'm thinking about 8 or 9pm Pacific time.

      1. marinmaven

        Election night 2008 Black & White Russians were flowing. I laughed, I sang, I danced, I cried happy tears, and I called friend's family in South Africa to hear them telling us that finally we Americans did something right. It was all good. Bush, the long national nightmare was over. Obama won. It wasn't the dark nightmarish experience of the 2000 and 2004 (or way back in 1984) election night. Those nights you just ball up all fetal-like with a bottle of hard alcohol in the dark and stare into the abyss.

        Obama is going to win, right?

    5. Biel_ze_Bubba

      I tuned in to Faux back in 2008, just to watch them tremble and cry as they were forced to announce the winner. It will be even better this time around.

    1. Troglodeity

      The latest Faux Talking Point is that there are actually MORE bayonets in US military use now than in 1916, which proves that Obama is a Kenyan Muslim. Of course, if you factor in the fact that there are TEN TIMES as many US military personnel (active and reserve) now than in 1916 – about 2,200,000 versus 220,000 – the argument loses steam. But still: Kenyan Muslim!

    1. Biff

      The Japanese are well known for their miniaturization technology.

      Tiny, tiny horses. To go with the tiny, tiny giraffes and such in rich people's menageries.

  3. edgydrifter

    America will never be safe unless we increase funding for atomic laser bayonet research. This is why Obama is weak.

  4. kyeshinka

    Bayonets! The Evil One will be coming for those next, because freedom! And moral compass and he'll shove it down our throat. USA USA!

    1. finallyhappy

      There was a toy one at the thrift shop I thought about buying along with a my little Pony for Halloween

  5. poorgradstudent


    Okay, FOX News, I didn't think I'd say this, but you should probably stick to complaining about Obama not saying something that he actually clearly said.

  6. PsycWench

    I'm not commenting much because I'm waiting on IT to send me a new TRS-80. It has TWO floppy disk drives!

      1. Generation[redacted]

        “It may not be clear who doesn’t understand what our IT department currently uses.”
        -Fox News

        1. Steverino247

          True story. The main frame computer at a large university in Texas was frequently "down." So much so that I named it "Linda" as in Lovelace because it went down that often. Once I posted notices around campus that the device had been so named, the device was magically repaired and never dropped again while I was there.

  7. johnnyzhivago

    The real crime was when Obama let out the fact that we have boats that airplanes can land on and other boats that go UNDER the water.

    Did the guy know what a security clearance means???

  8. asterixaverni

    Oh for cripes sake… you just don't get it. See, bayonets are any where from $45 to $250 dollars. Battleships are several millions. See? Get it? With Romney as president he'll increase our National Security by getting the military more bayonets and horses and reduce the deficit. He's Fucking Brilliant!

    Also, maps? Real cheap. His grandkids could draw him one in the sand. Srsly, this guy? Fucking brilliant. Ryan? Moron. But who cares, right? It's not like the VEEP matters anyway. And, Romney can fire him whenever he wants to.

    1. finallyhappy

      Pretty sure Romeny has been watching crappy Revolution where most fighting is done with swords and a few higher level people have horses. He thought it was a documentary

  9. ph7

    Mittbot Scissorhands will replicate himself for all future wars, in the process cornering the world's bayonet resources and pouring millions in his blind foreign convertible shelter munitions trust.

  10. Generation[redacted]

    "We still use horses and bayonets."

    Woah! Are we going to divulge details of enhanced interrogation now?

    1. DemmeFatale

      Its really rich that this butthurt nonsense comes from the network motherfuckers that made fun of the "un-American" berets our Olympic athletes were wearing.

  11. Loch_Nessosaur

    I'm sure Fox forgot to mention that Rafalca got a draft exemption because she was off in France on a mission.

    1. Crank_Tango

      There is a restaurant on Fort Ord called the Bayonet and Black Horse. I dunno if it involves stabbing or not.

      1. MittsHairHelmet

        Man I wish I could be here but career advancement has severely curtailed my Wonkette time. The promotion almost isn't worth it.

  12. chascates

    The Blaze jumps in as well:
    Bayonet & knife combat training is on the rise; we could be using more bayonets now than in 1916
    The use of horses is on the rise and statues are being resurrected in their honor
    Horses are also used for state and military funerals

    1. NDeeeZ

      If he's used "muskets" instead of "bayonets," some Foxhole wouLd be pointing out that we have a Continental Color Guard (3rd Batt) of FIVE guys, so YES WE STILL USE MUSKETS!

  13. Callyson

    we still do use bayonets in the military!

    And the last time bayonets played a decisive role in an American military conflict was…?

    1. Terry


      One of our family friends was injured at the Battle of the Bulge. He'd been run through the shoulder with a bayonet and had a big scar on the front and a smaller one on the back. He said that he passed out when he was run through and awoke to see a German soldier standing over him. The German said to him in English "Pretend to be dead or I have to kill you", so he played possum. Years later, in the late 60's when we'd all be swimming at the lake, he used to tell the kids that his wife (a lovely, mild mannered lady) had gotten mad at him and run him through with a butcher knife and that's how he got the scars.

    2. HelmutNewton

      Actually, I read somewhere that Korea was the last time any outfit of the U.S. military actually performed a bayonet charge in combat.

    3. sullivanst

      They make better in-trench weapons than a bolt-action rifle, so WWI?

      They were of some use, obviously not decisive though, in Vietnam.

    4. Biff

      I think they were handy for stabbing your rifle into the ground to mark where someone died in battle. At least in the John Wayne movies I remember.

    5. HistoriCat

      I remember seeing a Marine instructor talking about a bayonet charge in Iraq when they were low on ammunition but Wikipedia only talks about the Brits doing so in Iraq.

  14. johnnyzhivago

    Obama is ignorant of the major bayonet charges we conducted against Iraqis insurgents???

    Didn't the SEALS kill OBL by putting a bayonet through his head or something?

  15. rocktonsam

    Sometimes you have to go to war with the shitty equipment we give you to die for Merika with. If your horse dies, stab some soilder with your bayonet and take his horse, duh.

  16. Callyson

    Also, the Monday morning quarterbacks are going on about how Mittens' strategy in the debate was just to play it safe and not make any errors or gaffes. If so, someone forgot to share that plan with the post-debate damage control team…

    1. SorosBot

      His strategy was to criticize everything Obama has done, and then promise to do the exact same thing, pretty much. It was weird.

    2. BoroPrimorac

      Morning Cunt was saying that the more Mitt Romney lost, the better he looked. He was almost in tears when he had to admit that the president played Romney like a two dollar hooker.

  17. SexySmurf

    To save money the military should buy more unicorns cause that's like a horse with a bayonet on its head.

  18. Crank_Tango

    I dunno if the Fox news soldiers know it, but bayonets are pretty much what you use when the shit hits the fan. So hopefully we don't use them all that often.

    1. Dumbedup

      Right, as in, we are being overrun, fixing bayonets, drop the airstrike directly on us. It does happen from time to time

  19. Oblios_Cap

    More triremes will both solve the jobs crisis and rescue the failing long oars industry. We'll need a lot of slaves manpower and oars in the Navy.

    1. BoatOfVelociraptors

      Seriously. I'm imagining an Iranian military strategist in the vein of Baldric, of Black Adder fame:
      Baldric: Sir, I've got a cunning plan.
      Adder: What is it Baldric?
      Baldric: We launch our attack on america by taking our boats out of the water, hiking them through the mountains of Iraq, sneaking through war-torn Syria, and putting them back in the water in the Mediterranean. Once we clear the Strait of Gibralter, we'll have a clear shot!
      Adder: Why not just go to the beaches down south?
      Baldric: Romney will be expecting that, after finding out his new battleships can't get to Afghanistan.

  20. Mittens Howell, III

    While eviscerating the lack of a fucking Foreign Policy clue of the Macy's mannequin man, Obama mentioned the word 'bayonet', while not denying that they are still used in the military.

    So therefore, and such like: Romney win.

    You. Dumb. Fucks.

  21. OneYieldRegular

    It certainly is reassuring that a f-ing journalist can't distinguish between "fewer" and none even when he's just played back the actual quotation for the whole world to hear.

  22. orygoon

    Really, this makes me tired. The units in the battlefields consistently needed more translators and more explosive-sniffing dogs, and always will, and these "opinion makers" are making a BFD about generally outdated hand-to-hand combat.

    Typical GOP "supporting our troops" kind of behavior.

    1. mrpuma2u

      From a bunch a chickenhawk weenies who would start crying after 5 minutes of carrying a rifle with the added weight of a bayonet.

    1. elviouslyqueer

      Oh please. His favorite color is and will always be black black black black BLACK BLACK BLACK.

  23. Hera Sent Me

    The Army still uses horses, too. But entirely for ceremonial purposes, much like they use bayonets mostly to make troops on parade look fiercer.

  24. Toomush_Infer

    After reading Maddow's Drift, it seems clear that the theory here is – just throw more money at the military….with votes!

    1. Terry

      They're looking for votes in places like Norfolk and Northern Virginia, whose economies are highly dependent on both the military directly and DoD contracts.

  25. Mittens Howell, III

    Mike Wallace must be spinning in his grave like a fucking hamster in a wheel right now.

  26. BaldarTFlagass

    In fact, Montgomery Burns is modernizing the security around his mansion by upgrading to dogs with bayonets in their mouth, and when they bark, they shoot bayonets at you.

  27. weejee

    Someone needz to show Faux News the point of a Gerber Mark II, or a ka-Bar for you jarhead fanz. Unless you are doing something of a sneaky Pete special ops fashion, you only bring out the bayonets when something has gone very wrong and the bad guyz are coming over the wall.

  28. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    If I am remembering my war movies correctly, bayonets today mostly consist of a big knife that may be attached to the end of a gun but never is, and mostly just gets used by the guy with big biceps to clean his teeth. Oh, and they are handy for cutting open the boxes full of drone missiles when they get shipped UPS.

  29. SorosBot

    Obama has destroyed our navy with his refusal to order new triremes, and our army by neglecting to train them to fight in proper phalanx formation!

        1. NDeeeZ

          I heard Obama took a side trip to Charlestown MA cuz he heard he could walk all over the Constitution…

  30. kittensdontlie

    So we don't use horses in the military anymore?!! Yea,… just every Humvee, tank, and personnel carrier is power-rated by the number of HORSES under its hood!!

  31. mrpuma2u

    Rafalca assault squad to beat back muslin hoards!!! With bayonets! Freedumz ain't free libtards!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Dumbedup

      you know, if Mitt Romney astride a fancy white horse with a bayonet does not just capture the essence of the man I don't know what does.

  32. Both Sides Do It

    Making a completely true statement in response to a bullshit weasel statement is absolutely beyond the pale

    Selling weapons illegally to the regime whose kidnapping of Americans swept you into office to finance an illegal war will earn you generations of veneration as Jesus' prophet

    Kicking Arab translators out of the military and State Department because they might be in league with Arabs we're fighting, and also the gay ones we keep are kicked out also, because gay

    Saying your five sons didn't join the military because . . . I can't even finish this one

    Epistemic closure's a bitch

  33. MinAgain

    So that's what Romney's increased military spending is for…developing smart bayonet technology.

    1. BadKitty904

      Developing a Distant Early Warning system to deploy US bayonets in defense against incoming Chinese ICBMs…

    2. BaldarTFlagass

      He needs access to some technology that would make him smarter than a bayonet. Or a butter knife, for that matter.

  34. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    You have to understand why this is important to Conservatives. Halliburton has just come out with a new, upgraded bayonet. It has three hard drives, a LCD screen, and heat sensing technology. While it ways slighlty over 85lbs, they have them built in China and will be selling them to the military at the low, low price of $10,000 a piece.

    Romney and Ryan are already meeting to find another two-billion in tax cuts to help pay for this acquisition. And just wait for the new modern horse that they want to obtain that is heavier than a Humvee.

    1. GeorgiaBurning

      Don't forget the promotion for the Army contract officer after they are delivered a year past schedule, costing $25,000 each.

  35. HRH_Maddie

    Romney is trying to give the Pentagon 2 trillion dollars so they can up their cannon ball supply.

  36. natoslug

    David only needed a sling to take down Goliath. Obviously we need more funding for biblical weapons if we are ever to become a truly great nation.

  37. YasserArraFeck

    Clearly, you haven't seen the Army's latest Ben Hu(mme)r – all wheel drive, four horsepower, with whirling bayonets on the hubcaps

  38. mavenmaven

    How do people think he's "cute"? He answers in the same annoying manner, with those grimaces, facial tics, and squeeky sarcasm, as does Palin.

  39. a_pink_poodle

    Because one naval destroyer in 2012 can't possibly do more damage than 10 destroyers in 1912!

    Oh, it can?

  40. Disassembly

    This news cycle will likely make many conservatives bitter and they'll cling to their bayonets and horses.

  41. cheetojeebus

    Kennebunkport, Romney's route to the sea.
    And also such as, Imagine if we showed up on Iran's coast with 3 thousand Viking Longboats. Now that would be some fucking shock and awe.

  42. SorosBot

    A weaker navy is such a disaster for America, considering all the potential threats on the high seas since the end of the Cold War like, um, uh – the Somali pirates?

    1. natoslug

      We should also be prepared to help defend our Japanese allies the next time the Chinese navy attacks with water cannons. And don't forget, the Chinese also now have an aircraft carrier. Sure, it can't be used to carry/land planes, but we obviously need to build ten more to counter this threat.

  43. pepperpat

    You people can laugh about this but I'm loading up on pine futures, because when Romney is President he's totally ramping up Trojan Horse production.

  44. Allmighty_Manos

    "And it also hurt the feelings of this one serviceman who Tweeted at Fox News that we still do use bayonets in the military!"

    Yeah, they use them to pry out those last few pringles from the bottom of the can

  45. sudsmckenzie

    Its shit like this that makes me think I probably should just obsess on Brazilian tole-novas , or reboot Civilization.

  46. La_Cieca

    Even Paul Ryan looks like he is embarrassed by this idiot talking point. "I can't believe I had to get up at 4:00 this morning to go on national television to make my sad smiley face and whine that 'the oceans haven't shrunk'. I was supposed to be meeting important money people to start cultivating for my 2016 campaign, and instead they've got me out doing podunk crap like this. Man, I was totally rooked!"

  47. Blueb4sinrise

    Now it can be told [since there's a new thread] that Bamz's ATF has been sending horses and bayonets to Mexico!!!!!!!!!

  48. Incitefully_Joe

    Yeah, sorry, wingnutz, but not only was Obama right on the substance, but the talk of aircraft carriers and submarines was actually kinda trite and dated compared to the real scope of our tech. Today the major size-savers are satellites and UAVs -i.e, drones- which mean we don't need to actually physically have ships patrolling every body of water we want to protect and physically look around at stuff, and we just need enough to operate in a given theater and rely on eyes in the sky for the rest.

    This also means we don't need to worry about a repeat of the Bush apology tour of 2001, since our spy aircraft are increasingly unmanned.

  49. owhatever

    Don't bring a knife to a gunfight. Suggested alternative is to bomb the shit out of them a half-world away, or launch a Cruise missile from a nuke sub or a B-52, then turn loose the artillery and the fighter-bombers, let the helicopter gunships mop up, slam them with big tanks and missiles and lay down fire with automatic weapons. If the enemy gets even closer, through the mine fields, then shoot him in the balls. Closer, gut them with a combat knife.

    Last time a bayonet charge was used was by Mel Gibson in a movie, leading his men uphill into machine gun fire and somehow being victorious. That was a movie, but the Foxies think it is real. Gimme an squad automatic weapon (SAW) every time.

    1. Steverino247

      Actually members of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders made a bayonet charge in Iraq. Before that it was UK troops in the Falklands War.

      Bayonets aren't used much today because they ruin your aim and can harm you and those around you more than any enemy. You pull them out and stick them on your rifle when you're low on ammo and the enemy is getting close. Or if you're bad motherfuckers like those members of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders…

    2. Wile E. Quixote

      Gimme an squad automatic weapon (SAW) every time.

      Sure, the SAW is a fine weapon but I'm more of an M-2 guy, a weapon that is so awesome that every time I fired one I wanted to smoke a cigarette and buy it flowers afterwards.

  50. SigDeFlyinMonky

    Don't forget our cutting edge research in the development of the incendiary Bat Bomb! Need moar batz! Senator? We need to requisition the contents of your belfry.

  51. GregComlish

    This is what Fair and Balanced report on this issue would look like: First, pick 10 guys living in a Montana militia compound. Then ask them, if they were on a US Military mission and they had too choose only one accessory for their assault rifle, which one would they choose. 9 out of 10 dispshits will agree that while bayonets have style, the practical soldier would opt for something broadly applicable like a bipod or a laser sight. The tenth guy would acknowledge the validity of the other's arguments but dissent one the grounds that "sometimes you just want to stab a muslim in the face".

  52. NDeeeZ

    What with the polar icecaps melting and such, there is much more ocean that we need to cover, ergo–more floaty things.

  53. DahBoner

    "Bayonet" sounds fucking French???

    Shouldn't our boys have the finest German-made machettes available???

  54. Generation[redacted]

    What our military really needs is massive funding into research to finally build the nude bomb.

  55. Amanwithnoplan

    Romney does kind of look like one of the guys who screamed "Let's go over the top boys, fix bayonets!" , who then slipped back into the trench as the brains of the 47% rained onto his still perfectly-coiffed hair.

  56. HistoriCat

    well, Ryan is cute.

    Oh Kris – has it really come to this point? Maybe it's time to … you know, talk to someone. I mean really …

  57. glamourdammerung

    If one does not know the difference between "fewer" and "none", they really should not be trying to nitpick.

  58. eaglewon

    Obama didn't say we don't use them, he said we have fewer of them. Were they watching the same debate?

  59. Dr_pangloss

    Yep we were issued bayonets (really just a big combat knife not a bayonet). Mostly just used mine to open ration boxes and MRE packets. Wasn't much good for much else.

  60. ttommyunger

    Oh right, the Bayonet is a cutting-edge weapon of war (pun intended). Let me give a quick example of just how last Century it is: "What two types of Bayonet Fighters are there?" and, "What is the Spirit of the Bayonet?". If you know the answers to these questions you are way too old to be fucking around on Wonkette. p.s. the first answer is tattooed on my right shoulder.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      "What two types of Bayonet Fighters are there?"

      Well let's see, there's the kind that got cut in half by the TC's ma deuce and then there are the ones that you have the driver run over and pull a neutral steer on. Is that the correct answer?

      1. ttommyunger

        S'posed to be the quick and the dead. In most cases, as in your scenario, it would be the dead and the deadest.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

        1. Wile E. Quixote

          Can you even put a bayonet on an M-16? I was looking at my Bushmaster and I suppose that you could mount a bayonet lug on it but it would be kind of flimsy and it looks like you'd probably end up bending the barrel if you ever had to use it, which would be lots of fun if you got more bullets again.

          1. ttommyunger

            I was issued a Garand by the Army and a M-14 by the Corps so I just don't know. I understand the Army has de-emphasized the weapon but the Corps has not at present. I've been out since '70.Sent from the Field, not in Garrison.

  61. PurgedVoter

    A bayonet is the only stylish way to take a knife to a gun fight. If you want fashion and classic flair and are unafraid of a few blood splatters, the OKC-3S has a dynaflex grip, and is ergonomically grooved and designed to reduce repetitive stress injuries as you stab terrorists with the point of your favorite M16! While some say the M16 is going out out style, don't you be so foolish as to give it all up for an M4 carbine. Wait to see the still amorphous Individual carbine before you decide to give up on a good gun/knife combo! With a good bayonet, you can look forward to running out of ammo!

  62. shawnthesheep

    Note to Foxterds: If you are going to be pedantic, details matter. Obama said we have fewer horses and bayonets now. He did not say we do not have any.

    1. Wile E. Quixote

      Yeah, but they've compulsively masturbated to the beach volleyball scene in "Top Gun" 7845 times, which in their minds makes them tougher than members of Seal Team Six.

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