like such as

U.S. American Mitt Romney Does Not Have Maps

I personally believe Egypt is between Iran and SyriaThe Twitter is all mad at US American Mitt Romney this morning for something about … geography? Like such as not knowing that Syria is not Iran’s “route to the sea” or something? And that in fact there is a whole other country between the two? Here, let some nerd explain it for you:

Rebecca S. So apparently Iran is not landlocked I guess?
Josh F. ha
and also there is a country between iran and syria
Rebecca S. people seem upset by Romney’s geographical non-geniusness, maybe because he does NOT HAVE MAPS!!!!
what country might that be, friend?
Josh F. it’s on the tip of my tongue
some place that was important in the 90s or 00s or something, drawing a blank on it now
Rebecca S. hmmm I feel like you might be mocking me. well I am an American, I do not have to know where those countries are that we are #warring

Whatever, NERD. Has it occurred to you that there might be a simple answer why Mitt Romney does not know stuff about things? (Besides Obvious Answer Number One: He watches Fox News.)

This just proves once again that Doktor Zoom has a portal to the future. You should see him about your Lotto numbers/that weird growth on your neck.

About the author

Rebecca is the editor and publisher of Wonkette. She is the author of Commie Girl in the O.C., a collection of her OC Weekly columns, and the former editor of LA CityBeat. Go visit her Commie Girl Collective, and follow her on the Twitter!

View all articles by Rebecca Schoenkopf
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  1. Barbara_

    Of course Mitt knows nothing about maps. We've unzipped him, with Ann's permission, and he's one of those guys who thinks that an inch equals 10 miles.

  2. Texan_Bulldog

    That was an epic moment. Kind of like when Snowbilly said she had foreign policy experience because AK borders Russia.

    I'll be so glad when this f*cking election is over. Please, please, please let there be enough sane people in the swing states to keep us poorz from becoming Ann & Willard's serfs.

    1. Mapmonger

      I am skeptical, because I sell maps, and not one of my customers has ever revealed their bronyism.

      Bronyism. Brony Capitalism? It's like I toooold you, only the brony can play…

          1. Maman

            Dude, I have a degree in Geography and am currently mapping all 293+ (they keep adding to my work) American viticultural areas. Just completed Madera (outside of Fresno. I hate it when they mix map scales.)

      1. James Michael Curley

        I had this great map of the Soviet Union from a company called Hallwag which was in French and Swedish (I think). When I arrived once at the border between Poland and the Soviet Union (about a month after Reagan's Evil Empire speech) the border guards confiscated it and gave me a receipt to pick it up on leaving. However, I wasn't leaving through the same border. Seems that was a fairly standard practice in those days as foreign maps had too much detail and too much of it was correct.

  3. ph7

    But when we go to war with the Cayman Islands or Switzerland, we'll want Mitt's surgical strike hand on the drone joystick (no collateral deposits will be injured)!

    1. Jus_Wonderin

      They call him Flipper, Flipper, faster than lightning,
      no-one you see, is smarter than he,
      and we know Flipper, lives in a world full of wonder,
      flying there-under, under the sea!

      1. YasserArraFeck

        God, I can't believe anyone remembered the tune, let alone the lyrics. Can you give us a few bars of "Skippy, the Bush Kangaroo"?

  4. Terry

    "Has it occurred to you that there might be a simple answer why Mitt Romney does not know stuff about things? "

    There are several potential simple answers:

    – There are no Romney campaign donors in either Iran or Syria

    – He's never bought and dismantled a single company in Syria

    – He's a narrow minded man with a desperately shallow world experience running for an elected position that is both beyond the reach of his intellectual abilities and his reasonable capacity to attain.

    1. Texan_Bulldog

      My dad who lives in AR (bless his heart) just emailed me that he thinks Mitt would 'stab his grandma to get elected.' So, yeah, you & my dad summed him up very nicely.

    2. T3rbo

      You forgot option D: Romney does not give a fuck. He'll just say whatever nonsense comes to mind, knowing that his non-college educated white Americans don't know a damn thing and won't bother to look anything up. They can see right in front of their eyes that Obama is a secret Kenyan Muslin Communist Stalinist darkie, and that's what matters

      1. CindynEncinitas

        Lest we forget the champion of the 60 and lower IQ set, George W. Bush, 43rd (2-term) Preznit of the U.S. of A! It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter!

  5. deanbooth

    Romney: The exports of Libya are numerous in amount. One thing they export is corn, or as the Indians call it, "maize". Another famous Indian was "Crazy Horse". In conclusion, Libya is a land of contrast. Thank you.

    1. mrpuma2u

      OMG Mittens is making geography gaffes my 12 year old kid wouldn't make. He fails the "are you smarter than a 5th grader" litmus test, but then again, so did the Bushwacker.

  6. SayItWithWookies

    Mitt doesn't need to personally know where each country is that he intends to invade — he's got people to figure that stuff out. Shit, you little people should be grateful he's not going to make preventing the Soviet Union from getting a warm-water port his biggest foreign policy priority.

  7. actor212

    The thing is, the US had a run in with AN IRANIAN NAVY PATROL BOAT just this past March.

    It's shameful that a candidate running for President didn't remember this.

    1. LibertyLover

      You unfold them carefully, find what you are looking for… then you wad that sucker up and throw the map away — coz you ain't ever gonna refold it the way it was folded to begin with.

      1. James Michael Curley

        Many a marriage started on trip in NYC following road maps and by the time they arrived in Nevada they got a speedy divorce over that issue.

  8. coolhandnuke

    It's consistent with Mitt's geographically challenged circuitry. He also said "Washington is the route to the sea for Utah's yachts."

  9. Loch_Nessosaur

    You people are mean and are just trying to make Romney look stupid. Besides, Egypt looks cute over there.

  10. prommie

    Mitt needs to hire a foreign geography advisor. I know the perfect person for him, there was this lovely young lady from South Carolina who became well-known for her amazing geography skills a couple of years ago, whatever happened to her?

    1. FNMA

      She's going to be Romney's Sec. of State. He's already told her she would be able to get home every night to make dinner.

  11. FakaktaSouth

    It becomes clearer and clearer everyday, Mitt Romney's "Eric EtchaSketch Fehrnstrom advisory team" just fucking hates him. "You know what Mitt?" "Yeah?" "Syria's gonna come up tonight, and you know, it's really important that you make it clear that YOU OWN that shit. You explain it to the "Pres" hard, okay? He's playing with Iran's best friend and you TELL the American people what's what okay? Just remember this – "route to the sea" and it will all fall in to place." "Yeah yeah okay, I got it."
    Just. has. to. be.

  12. NorthStarSpanx

    Romney strained to mention countries that sounded statesmanlike – Afghanistan, Egypt, Iran, Iraq, Libya, Syria, and even China, but that left five of the seven continents — most of them populated, and at least one in dire crisis – out.

    Did he proudly pronounce Mahmoud Ahmadinejad like Sarah did? In our nation chock full of exceptional hair school students and small townie mayors, the GOP sure celebrated that small victory.

    1. bikerlaureate

      Stab, starve – let's not get bogged down in little details. So long as they vote R/R first.

  13. arihaya

    Mittens doesn't have maps, but he sure know places to deposit his slush funds in Switzerland and Cayman Island

  14. schvitzatura

    The extent of Viscount Hairgel's tutelage on matters of the geographies appears to be wholy derived from many harrowing sessions playing Risk, as part of the Romney Family Family Home Night.

    Mongolia, landlocked? That is so much pish-posh, old chap!

  15. ManchuCandidate

    Don't know much about tax policy
    Don't know much about geography
    Can't find Iran in a map book
    Don't know much about the French I took (to avoid the 'Nam War)
    But what I do know is I need your vote
    And I know that if you vote for me
    Soon my tax rate will be too low to see!

  16. mrblifil

    SYRIA IS THEIR PATH TO THE SEA except for the 1500 miles of coastline on THE ARABIAN SEA which doesn't count because duh it's named after ARABS!1!11! MEDITERRANEAN FUCK YEAH!

  17. FakaktaSouth

    Has he come out and said he absolutely didn't say this yet? Has Fox scrubbed the transcripts? Will Megyn Kelly explain that somehow Mitt was right? OH GOD I LOVE TODAY, my PresO afterglow still shining bright, but I am ready for this shit to be OVER.

    1. e_z

      Yeah but if Iran closes the straights of Whoremoos Iran will then have to go through Syria to get to open water, right? I mean right? Right!

      Problem solved.

  18. OneYieldRegular

    I can't understand why Mitt has so little understanding of the world. After all, he spent a whole two years in a foreign country, ministering to the poor unfortunate non-Mormons in the single richest neighborhood in Paris.

  19. Joshua Norton

    Like such as not knowing that Syria is not Iran’s “route to the sea” or something?

    Your first mistake is in assuming that wingnut maps would have anything to do with geography.

  20. BadKitty904

    It's prolly those 1916 maps he's been using. Perhaps if someone explained to Mittens that Persia is now known as "Iran"…you know, to the north-east of Abyssinia and south of the Russian Empire…

  21. BaldarTFlagass

    Why should he need to know geography? He's got Bush's foreign policy staff working for him, they know all the places that need bombing, and why.

  22. zumpie

    Anyone else think Mittens paid other dudes to attend his classes and take all his tests in college and grad school?

  23. Chichikovovich

    You guys aren't taking the long view. If Mitt becomes President, within two years of his policies of bellicose empty bluster, Iran will have taken over Iraq and then Syria will too be their route to the sea, Libtards!

    1. mavenmaven

      George Bush will forever be enshrined in Islamic history as the one who created the Great Shiite Empire.

    2. Negropolis

      So, I take it that they are going to dam off the gulf and build a wall along the Arabian coast, then? lol

  24. Mumbletypeg

    His running-mate Ryan's "Roadmap to Freedumb" is the only map Mittens ever took a crash course for and in last night's case that one didn't even show up on the test.

  25. Redgyal

    Mittens looks better with the long blonde hair. It brings out his eyes and his good bone structure more.

  26. coolhandnuke

    Everything Mitt knows about geography and foreign policy he learned from Risk.
    He likes to say and spell Irkutsk.

  27. BigSkullF*ckingDog

    I know another landlocked country that is very important to Mittens.
    (hint – this one is actually landlocked)

    1. TribecaMike

      At a bookstore yesterday, I was flipping through Mencken's collected Prejudices, and came across this in "From the Memoirs of a Subject of the United States":

      "[Government] is apprehended, not as a committee of citizens chosen to carry on the communal business of the whole population, but as a separate and autonomous corporation, mainly devoted to exploiting the population for the benefit of its own members."

      Darn, now I feel like an icky Pauline!

      1. Mumbletypeg

        I need to get around to reading some Mencken before I die.
        A book review some years ago detailing a new biography &/or collection of his letters and such, yielded enough quotables that he represents a source of insight for me, yet I could do with actually reading him more comprehensively by content than fly-by soundbites — since I gather his persepctive wasn't without some flaws.

        1. TribecaMike

          Mencken could often be a hater (antisemitism, racism, conservatism, all the usual crap for his time), but all in all he was an equal opportunity hater. He gets a general pass from me for his sharp and witty prose.

        2. HistoriCat

          Some of the current Mencken criticism is based on his diaries, which were sealed for some number of decades after his death – he really let loose with some caustic words in there. I think he may have been the type who had to write down everything. From a "what was Mencken's motivation and thought process" perspective, the diaries are vital but I think judging someone on writings which were essentially a brain-dump – as opposed to his actual public writings – is a bit unfair.

  28. Pithaughn

    Well, I'm sure at some point in the last four thousand years, during the reign of some despot, Iran was the route to the sea for Syria. Of course they went by different names but in general it may have been true at some point in time, so close enough, right Fox news?

  29. widestanceromance

    No way Iran would bother sailing directly from their immense coastline when they could just truck ships so easily through Syria to get the Mediterranean and then out to the Atlantic.

    Willard needs to upgrade from his 'FOX Maps of the World' coloring book.

  30. TribecaMike

    Mitt's been steering to the center big-time. I just got a fundraising email from him headed "Hey Mike Let's Get Gay Married!"

  31. insidebeltway

    Guys, you can't blame Romney for not knowing how to get from Iran to Syria, he was us using his IPhone map app.

  32. BoroPrimorac

    Honest mistake. Ahmadinejad wants to throw the jews into the sea because he wants his country to have access to the Mediterranean.

  33. lulzmonger

    Both Willard & Ryan keep pulling out the tired schtick of rattling off statistics & place names to try to sound S-M-R-T … & it never quite passes the giggle test.

    "Wow! Is that the shittiest US foreign policy team since Nixon right over there? QUICK, HIRE THEM!" = perhaps a less cunning plan than it seemed at first blush.

    You know who ELSE had difficulty understanding maps … ?

  34. PugglesRule

    Srsly– Fox actually labeled Iraq "Egypt"?? Please tell me that was photoshopped, because not even Faux's map makers can be THAT stupid (can they?).

    1. Doktor Zoom

      Notice the overlay of the borders of Arizona, Nevada, Utah, and Cali on the African continent, too…

  35. fuflans

    i was going to say:

    1. 'i guess romney missed the whole 'iranian threat to close the straights of hormuz' thing this summer?
    2. then i was going to say 'what does he think 'persian gulf' means'?
    3. THEN i was going to wonder if he knew of the connection b/t 'iran' and 'persia'?

    then i remembered he's in a statistical dead heat to be POTUS and i realized i didn't want to know the answer to any of those questions.

    we are doomed.

  36. Boojum

    I'm a fucktard. I was staring at that Fox News map, saying to myself "Where did Iraq go? It was right there, just a minute ago, where Egypt is." Seriously, I didn't get it for a long time, even though I knew where Iraq used to be.

    I should become a Republican and vote for Joe the Plumber.

  37. CommieDad

    When I heard him say this, I actually looked it up on my apple maps. I mean really, WTF? I thought maybe he meant that Iran was Syria's Gateway and that my mental picture of Syria having a coast was wrong. But even in my mind I remembered that Iraq (oops… I mean Egypt) was between Syria and Iran. Really, WTF was he trying to say? Was he thinking that Syria is IRAQ's (note Q) route to Sea, because it is (one of them)?

  38. snowpointsecret

    Okay seriously? I can't even snark about this, how the fuck does someone running for President not know where Iraq, Iran, and Syria are? You can't just say "send the bomb at Egypt" and then when it blows up Baghdad go "Oops, I'm sorry." What the FUCK.

  39. AliceT24

    I don't get it.

    Is the Fox map a joke, or what?

    I didn't read all of the comments here, but I scrolled through a lot, and none mention that the map on the supposed Fox display is wrong. Is there some inside joke that I am not getting?

    1. savethispatient

      It's a real map that Fox News put up several years ago. I suppose the inside joke is that we've all come to expect that kind of inaccuracy.

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