THE PROTOCROWLEYS OF THE ELDERS OF CNN  4:46 pm October 22, 2012

Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy

by Jesse Taylor

c-o-n...conspiracy!
Follow along, libtards, as some guy on the internet blows your whole world up.

Last week’s town hall debate was notable for many things – Romney trying to bumrush Obama like eighteen times, Obama not falling asleep five minutes in, and Candy Crowley sort of correcting Mitt Romney by shooting him right in his stupid face. But surely there is an explanation besides “Mitt was completely wrong” for why Crowley dared stand up to America’s Next President?

Duh.

A blogger at something called “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” (they LUV Andy Breitbart!) has compiled an exhaustive breakdown of exactly how Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds and therefore lose him every swing state.

Because the theory is complex, multifaceted and largely based on a series of “coincidences” so startlingly coincidental they cannot be coincidences at all, we will give you the Cliffs’ Notes version.

One: Kerry Ladka came up with the question the day before the debate, WHEN CANDY CROWLEY HAD SAID SHE ALREADY CHOSE THE QUESTIONS AND STUFF.

Candy Crowley told Erin Burnett on CNN’s show Out Front, Monday Night 10/15, that she had collected the questions from the invited and vetted debate audience at Hofstra University and was reviewing them. This was Monday on the 7pm broadcast of Erin Burnett. The Debate was Tuesday.

When the question on Libya was asked by audience member Kerry Ladka, he prefaced the question by saying:

….this question actually comes from my, err, um, a brain trust of my friends at Global Telecom Supply in Mineola, yesterday we were sitting around talking about Libya…

If Candy Crowley already had the audience questions assembled the day before, how could Kerry Ladka and his brain trust friends have been writing one?

If Candy Crowley had the questions at 7PM on Monday, and Ladka was coming up with the question with his friends on Monday, how could he possibly have come up with a brief interrogatory about Libya in the nineteen hours before Candy Crowley went on the air?

The simplest answer: he could not have. Nobody at or near Hofstra University can form a question within any period less than twenty hours, which makes people asking about specials at bars the absolute worst.

B: Obama KNEW the question was coming and where it was coming from and the guy’s name and just fucking everything, Jesus.

When she said “we are changing topics to a question from Kerry… from Kerry Ladka“, Obama already knew what to look for and where he was seated. There are numerous “TELLS” Watch the video – it is at 1:06:35 Watch.

President Obama moved (physically walked) directly toward Kerry Ladka, and said “Hi Kerry“,… (but oddly Kerry had not moved, nor identified himself) …. then, rut roh,…. after an internal psyche trigger kicked in, President Obama does the ((‘oops’)) *looks around* as if to say where am I going… then asks “what’s your name“?

Look, I was going to do an exhaustive breakdown of all the times anyone asked a question and when the candidates moved toward them, but why bother? Even though Scary Barry was told Ladka’s name before Ladka started speaking, it is well known he does not listen to anyone who is not black. Therefore, the only way he could have known is if someone used Negro Telepathy to tell him BEFORE Ladka asked his question!

#3: Ladka’s question was TOO good.

Thirdly, within the carefully worded question itself is a very nuanced descriptive delivered by Ladka:

…”and we were reading, and we became aware of reports that the State Department refused extra security for our embassy in Benghazi Libya prior to the attacks that killed four Americans.

Who was it that denied enhanced security, and why?

The term “enhanced security” is the term used by the White House spokespeople and by the State Department spokesperson(s). It is just plain awkward and oddly not in a normal context for a general question from an unattached observer. Not to mention it perfectly “Tee’s Up” the only construct, and context, that Obama could defend and expand upon.

Don’t ever have a question “tee’d up,” guys, it’s totes painful.  Medicare covers less-painful tee’ing options.

It is simply painfully awkward for people to use words they obviously read from one of their 1,400-plus mentions in news stories in the past month, especially anyone near Hofstra, because they are functionally brain damaged from birth.

LETTER DEE: Michelle Obama clapped after Candy Crowley “corrected” Mitt, just like Jackie Kennedy did after she had JFK shot.

Previously covered on Wonkette. Still a travesty after all these days.

Conspiracy Element Epsilon: Kerry Ladka’s boss went to Hofstra; Kerry Ladka is on Twitter; you connect the dots.

Kerry Ladka works for Global Telecom Supply. More specifically he works for Isaac Elyassoff who is the current Vice-President at Global Telecom Supply. Guess where Elyassoff is an alumnus of ? Yep, Hofstra University, the site of the debate. It appears Elyassoff is in his mid twenties having graduated from Hofstra with a degree in Marketing and Business 2002-2006. Obamabot? Ideology? Check out his twittery friends.

Why would random undecided voter, Mr. Kerry Ladka, of Long Island NY, be calling media outlets, media pundits, and requesting to be on their shows?

Just a randomly selected “undecided voter”/”audience member” chosen by CNN?

Happenstance?

You sort of lost us there, guy, because Ladka was trolling for media appearances the day after the debate, which kind of makes complete sense, but, um…also, why did you link to a random Brooklyn-based political reporter?

Wait…if this part of the conspiracy, the key, critical portion, is complete bullshit, then could the whole rest of this be…no. No. NO.

We know what you did, entire liberal media apparatus. And we will not let you get away with it just because you can easily disprove every element of the allegation. That’s how these things work.

[The Conservative Tree Refuge / via Wonkville story miner chascates]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 186 comments }

UnholyMoses October 22, 2012 at 4:50 pm

The dumb is strong with this one …

(ADDING: I'd ask if he/she figured out what kind of footwear Obama was wearing and how it factored into this, but I'd hate to be banned.)

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm

BECAUSE OBAMA STOLED HIS SHOES!

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

What is this all about? /nosnark

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm
Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm

Thanks. I'm back in-the-know! Is it wrong that I started laughing when I read that linked post?

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Some of us seem to get hit with an admin script that eats our comments for mentioning footwear. Apparently, actor is not affected. (Glowers bitterly at actor)

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Shoes for industry! Shoes for the dead! Remember, never give up your shoes!

GunToting[Redacted] October 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Whatever you do, take care of your shoes.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Eated, at least. I got eated twice for shooz today.

Radiotherapy October 22, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Haha, Russ is pooping out the same thing today for all the radioland idjuts.

Crank_Tango October 22, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Too confusing. Now I am confused. I will just go take a nap and assume ACORN has everything under control.

fuflans October 22, 2012 at 8:26 pm

this is the best response crank.

i endorse this action.

PuckStopsHere October 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Mittens doesn't need a conspiracy to embarrass himself. He's perfectly capable of handing that on his own. It may, in fact, be the only thing he is perfectly capable of doing on his own.

Gleem McShineys October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Point F is that Mitt Romney is in on it too, because look at how he pressed, nay, begged for Candy Crowley to shoot him right in his Abraham Lincoln, with vote-flavored assassin fact-checking!

OMG! THE CALLS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE MITTBOT!!

snowpointsecret October 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm

I'm sorry, I tuned this out after "The Conservative Treehouse." It sounds like a 12 year old kid in Tennessee with a "NO GURLS ALOWD" sign in his tree.

Wait, what was the story again?

PubOption October 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Chances are there will be some other groups that will not be alowd.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:19 pm

Of the complected variety, even.

Lot_49 October 22, 2012 at 5:29 pm

These complicated posts are part of the plot to keep us from the REAL TRUTH!

hagajim October 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Late to the party today, and after that bit of brainmush I kinda wish I hadn't shown up at all….jeesh.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm

No, no, stay. The debates will be live-blooged, and everybody will get screamy and nutsoid. It'll be fun. If we survive.

Loch_Nessosaur October 22, 2012 at 4:51 pm

Negro Telepathy

It's what made the Underground Railroad run on time.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm

You must be white. Ev'body knows WE folks run on CPT.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 5:55 pm

You're symmetric?

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 7:42 pm

I converted.

Oh, you said symmetric.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

No, you're thinking of Soul Train.

Pragmatist2 October 22, 2012 at 4:52 pm

The Tea Party is made up entirely of the white guys who, when their team loses, blame the referee.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:08 pm

This. This. This.

They cannot accept defeat. But they always lose. And it's always their own fault.

Who is the petulant child?

unclejeems October 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Are we sure this guy is not a Texas Aggie? That would just be too perfect.

snowpointsecret October 22, 2012 at 4:53 pm

New York Mets fans? (Okay, maybe just my grandpa >>)

Lucidamente1 October 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Most of us blame the ownership for signing shitty players and getting rid of good ones.

snowpointsecret October 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

So basically baseball's version of the Cincinnati Bengals.

UnholyMoses October 22, 2012 at 5:07 pm

And KC Royals. Though we give them away because our cheap ass fuck owner won't pay them fair market value.

Oh, and then there's the Cheaps …

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Amen, brother, preach it loud.

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

HEY! We're not fucking Yankee fans!

snowpointsecret October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

I'm actually glad he's not representative of the fanbase then, he was really crazy…

Incitefully_Joe October 22, 2012 at 6:00 pm

Hey, fuck you! My roommate tries to gloat, and my standard reaction has been to yawn, shrug, and point out that there's always next year.

Y'know, statistically speaking.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Yeah, yeah. I still remember my colleague complaining on 11/5/09 about how nine years was so long to have waited, only to be told to SHUT UP! by everyone else in the office.

tessiee October 22, 2012 at 6:50 pm

"We're not fucking Yankee fans!"

So, what kind of Yankee fans *are* you, then?
Or, alternately:
So who *are* you fucking, then?

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:20 pm

Hey, at least it's only Mets fans that grumble, as opposed to, say, the actual Braves ballclub.

mrpuma2u October 22, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Wow and I thought these mouth breathing hover round meatheads were clutching at straws with the whole "acts of terror" semantics whining/hair splitting….

rickmaci October 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Depends on the meaning of "of".

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I think it means "Obama deliberately put those people in harms way."

tessiee October 22, 2012 at 6:55 pm

or, you could be like Ronna Romney (one of Mitt's relatives, not a Scooby Doo villain), and post pictures of the dead ambassador on your facebook page saying, "Obama killed this guy".
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/archives/2012/10/sta

PS. she has apparently since taken the page down.

AlterNewt October 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm

I'm sure Schieffer will bring this up right at the beginning, but in a way that will benefit Obama because of course he's in the tank just like all of them are. Every single one of them.

elviouslyqueer October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm
AlterNewt October 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm

I rest my case.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I wonder how long the thought sloshed around in Tinsley's head that it isn't the moderator that makes Romney look uninformed and undecided? Hmm…

Lucidamente1 October 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm

It was my understanding that there would be no math during the debates.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

No POLYmath.

You gotta listen gooder.

bikerlaureate October 22, 2012 at 7:23 pm

No meth.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 8:11 pm

Unless branded as Desoxyn.

delaney_blom October 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm

No way Obama was in on this one. When Candy said the next question was from someone named "Kerry," the president clearly thought it was a woman and turned on the panty-melting charm. When the guy stood up, Barry was very confused, "What's your name again? I swear Crowley said the next one was from a chick."

noodlesalad October 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

This x1000. I remember Obama's confusion really clearly, he heard Kerry and thought it was a lady.

PS this would have destroyed Bill Clinton, Obama took it relatively in stride.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

So, this, um, panty-melting thing? You got any tips on how to do that?

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:12 pm

1. Have a Grammy-award-winning voice.
2. Become President of the USA
3. ???
4. Profit.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Yeah, I thought as much. Some other guy has that gig sewed up, man. I saw his chair at the table, it had a sign, "This seat taken."

delaney_blom October 23, 2012 at 8:17 am

One thing that really helps is those panties made out of fruit roll-ups.

MittBorg October 23, 2012 at 12:07 pm

Where you get those, dude or dudine?

Gleem McShineys October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

That is what I thought I saw, too.

As further proof, right at that moment, you see Kerry reaching into his coat pocket, for HIS SPARE PANTIES obvs, because his melted.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm

You're *so* observant, Gleem!

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Yes, he totally wasn't reaching for the piece of paper he and his brain trust had written the question on, because if he had such a thing, that might make the conspiracy theorist's claim that the question was too "nuanced" and used highfallutin' words and therefore had to be a plant look even more completely absurd.

mille derps October 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I thought Obama said "Karen" before the guy started to ask his question.

UnholyMoses October 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:27 pm
deanbooth October 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

My friends and I from the Wonkette brain trust, yesterday we were sitting around talking about conservatives, and the question came up: How can they be so fucking stupid?

mrpuma2u October 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

You take your basic liberal, then you remove critical thinking parts, and common sense parts, replace those with rabid patriotism and paranoia, et voila!

Lot_49 October 22, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Plus a desire to compensate for a small peen by angrily demanding that other people's kids be sent off to war.

Indiepalin October 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Another graduate of Hofstra is Christopher Walken, who shot himself in the head in "The Deer Hunter". You do the math.

BadKitty904 October 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

(please note the obligatory "ALL CAPS")

mille derps October 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

Okay, Master Sheeple, I noted the obigatory "ALL CAPS".

What do I do next? I need someone to decide for me.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Good god man! If this is true. I mean, how is Mr Walken still, uh, walking around?

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Walken's parents owned a bakery in Astoria.

This is an ass of a story. Uh.

PS So is Bernie Madoff an alum of Hofstra

weejee October 22, 2012 at 5:08 pm

When you're walken to hunt deer, the Lorentz Transformations are a mapping that Cheney will shoot Mittens in the butt with rock salt if Willard chokes the upcoming foreign policy debate?

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:24 pm

Sarah? Sarah Palin, is that YOU?

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 22, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Not to mention carried a watch in his ass for the entire war.

BadKitty904 October 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

"Do you hear ticking?"

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

It still keeps crappy time.

pdiddycornchips October 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Wait, is that true? According to the internets, Walken attended for one year. He reportedly had a fever that forced him to drop out. He was cured with the application of more cow bells and the rest, as they say, is history.

Incitefully_Joe October 22, 2012 at 6:21 pm

Actually, TRUFAX, any conspiracy theorist worth his or her* salt knows that Walken murdered Natalie Wood. WHAT DID SHE KNOW????!!

*(In the case of an ex-girlfriend back in college, who was how I first heard about this, when she soberly told me that Walken was not awesome, but rather a cold-blooded murderer)

skmind October 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

Well, Rule 5e states, “The candidates may not ask each other direct questions during any of the four debates."

AND ROMNEY ASKED OBAMA "You said in the Rose Garden the day after the attack it was an act of terror; it was not a spontaneous demonstration. Is that what you are saying?"

BUSTED! LOL, LO.. oh wait, this conspiracy is supposed to work for Romney.

My bad, in which case "Proceed, Ghost Breitbart"

starfanglednut October 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

After this not at all incoherent diatribe, the blogger logged off, and returned to his/her job at the tinfoil hat factory.

DCBloom October 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

NEGRO TELEPATHY!?
Cool! Is it like the Vulcan mind-meld?

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

You know how all the brothers walking down the street all know each other? Now you know how.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Word.

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

I knew you'd say that.

Chet Kincaid_ October 22, 2012 at 6:07 pm

You've never seen or read "The Shining", "The Green Mile" or "The Stand", by noted Magic Negro Expert Stephen King?

Lascauxcaveman October 22, 2012 at 6:35 pm

"Magical Negro" would be a really good name for a funk band.

Incitefully_Joe October 22, 2012 at 6:22 pm

Only when Tuvok does it.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Is this going to be on the test?

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm

Why for you all want to pain my brain only ah? So like dis one. Hopeless ony. Goblocks.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:25 pm

I'm amazed nobody asked me to translate that.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:17 pm

We've learned better.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 7:47 pm

CRE_ature LIES, dammit! I am NOT eating the neighbours.

calliecallie October 22, 2012 at 5:02 pm

"…Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds AND THEREFORE LOSE HIM EVERY SWING STATE."

Let's all conspire to do that, shall we?

BadKitty904 October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

None Dare Call It…

Well, yeah, actually, yes, they did.

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

*Sigh*

Peak Wingnut is not upon us yet, I'm afraid.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Peak Wingnut sounds painful.

Is there a topical cream or some home remedy? Please, don't say "reading" and "keeping an open mind" are the only cure.

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

I prescribe drinking liberally.

Esteev October 22, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Ha! I do that anyway!

UnholyMoses October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

You're cured!! YAY!

Gleem McShineys October 22, 2012 at 5:40 pm

The science is not settled on this. Some People Say that alcohol kills brain cells.

Theoretically, if you kill all of them, you could end up a wingnut.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Suppositories.

PhilippePetain October 22, 2012 at 7:24 pm

We'll know when we're at Peak Wingnut when people start getting shot in the street over the loon's pet isssu….oh.

Loch_Nessosaur October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

We only have one season in Florida and it's always Peak Wingnut.

BadKitty904 October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

The sky will be black with chickens coming home to roost…

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Only if they're *black* chickens.

mrpuma2u October 22, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Be advised full moon coming on 10/29, stay indoors and away from conservative blogs that evening.

Cicada October 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm

Peak Wingnut doesn't exist, they just keep getting crazier and crazier. The epic pants crapping that will occur if Mitt doesn't win will make this piece of batshittery look quaint in comparison.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 7:48 pm

You really think so?

GunToting[Redacted] October 22, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Peak Wingnut seems to operate on the same principal as Zeno's dichotomy paradox..

CindynEncinitas October 22, 2012 at 6:31 pm

Hopefully it will all only be a gedankenexperiment.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:34 pm

Hahahahaha… wingnuts? Thinking? Funny joke!

stopthemovie October 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

The guy with the open umbrella on the grassie knoll sealed the deal for me.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm

What can be better for this country than to elect a person president who's followers are all batshit crazy and paranoid?

Romney/Ryan '12!

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 22, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Wait a minute, isn't Romney up in the Gallup poll? Where are the Liberal paranoid conspiracy theories about that? That is the problem with LIbtards, they are just not as paranoid as Conservatives. As such, they will always come in last.

emmelemm October 22, 2012 at 6:15 pm

It's not paranoid if everybody is actually out to get you.

Conspiracy theory ahoy.

rickmaci October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Isn't it clear they were shooting mind numbing rays at Mitt over the last 30 minutes and he went all blank and lost his ability to think on his feet and when he stood up all the blood rushed to his lower body so he was barely able to walk and Barry Hussein stayed on his stool with the safety shield so the rays wouldn't hit him and Mitt would have to stumble around all helpless while that Candy kept the brain cell killing rays focused on poor Mitt. I know this happened. It was on the internet.

bikerlaureate October 22, 2012 at 7:26 pm

Mistuh Romney's the one I want meeting with hostile foreign leaders, then, gol-darnit !

smitallica October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

So, the alternatives are:
1. This was a complex, multi-faceted conspiracy between an international news network, a respected university, and a Long Island private citizen to prompt a presidential candidate to step neatly and perfectly into a prepared trap during a televised national debate, or;
2. Your candidate is a lying douchebag who got caught in his lying bouchebaggery.

Ain't Occam's Razor a bitch??

Generation[redacted] October 22, 2012 at 6:03 pm

Sorry, but you're failing to consider the most obvious explanation which is lalalalala I can't hear you lalalala!

Lascauxcaveman October 22, 2012 at 6:40 pm

Because shutup is the most logical explanation; yours is number two.

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 7:50 pm

All the explanations pretty much sound like Number Two to me.

tessiee October 22, 2012 at 6:57 pm

Yes, and so is Ann.

Fairtackle October 22, 2012 at 5:06 pm

Why the hell don't we have this kind of stuff on the left?! Obama was obviously drugged during that first debate. Considering how hyper Mitt was it is clear that Mitt drained some of Obamas mojo and used it to power up hisself. I can prove it, actually … I think I just did.

MacRaith October 22, 2012 at 5:07 pm

The true art of the conspiracy theory lies in connecting completely unconnectable dots. This guy is good. Not great, mind you – a really great conspiracy theory would be, for example, demonstrating how the Kennedy family ordered the moon landings faked in order to distract attention away from the Chappaquiddick incident. This one isn't quite in that league. But it has potential.

By the way, the true purpose of the Chappaquiddick incident was to dispose of Barack Obama's real birth certificate. It's very complicated, but I can prove it!

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:27 pm

Why does this remind me of "Illuminatus!"

MacRaith October 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Because the "Illuminatus!" trilogy is the greatest work of undercover journalism in history. Or the record of an acid-induced hallucination. Or possibly both.

CindynEncinitas October 22, 2012 at 6:33 pm

Acid doesn't induce "hallucinations." It induces "insight." Especially when one is naked.

SayItWithWookies October 22, 2012 at 5:07 pm

In right-wingers' minds, they're all Hercule Poirot in Murder on the Orient Express, whereas in reality they're the stars of The Bobsey Twins and the Week-Long Meth and Hooker Binge. I certainly hope they get another four years of freedom from the reigns of power so they can really get to the bottom of all these conspiracies.

bureaucrap October 22, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Actually, his name is "Latke" and he and his secret partners, "Applesauce" and "Dreidel" conspired to ask that question a mere two months before Hanukah, which has to do with Judea freeing itself from Syrian tyranny, which is related closely to Libya…well, because, well it does, and that's why it's a Jewish conspiracy to do something. I'm not sure what, really, because MITTENS SCREWED UP ALL BY HIMSELF!

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm

You're friends with Robert Anton Wilson, aren't you?

MosesInvests October 22, 2012 at 5:34 pm

Latke, eh? Kiss my yatabe.

elviouslyqueer October 22, 2012 at 5:08 pm

Wow. There is all kinds of all-encompassing crazy on that website.

Lionel[redacted]Esq October 22, 2012 at 5:09 pm

So, if Romney wins, will Wonkette just start making up paranoid fantasies about him? That is how Conservative Blogs survived the last four years.

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm

We'll do it the same way we survived Bush

Heads up, it's a self-referential link to this thread. Let it soak into your browser.

Chet Kincaid_ October 22, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Those never work.

CindynEncinitas October 22, 2012 at 6:27 pm

Like you could stop us…

Schmannnity October 22, 2012 at 5:10 pm

Shit, the guy acts like Zapruder filmed the debate.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 5:53 pm

Also, apparently thinks that "OK" is in fact "Hi Kerry", and does not understand how three dimensional reality translates to two dimensional images in the TV recording process (either that and/or does not know the meaning of "directly" and/or "towards"), among numerous other obvious failings of intellect.

pdiddycornchips October 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm

Read his archives. I'd recommend the part where the British conveniently decided to have their Olympics right before Mitt Romney arrives. Why? To distract the world from Mitt's elegant wordsmithery and powerful leadership, Obvs.

AlterNewt October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Bastards.

UnholyMoses October 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm

IT'S GOTTA BE TEH SHOEZ!!!

CindynEncinitas October 22, 2012 at 6:26 pm

When it absolutely, positively has to be in somebody's face!

pdiddycornchips October 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm

BTW—I once dated a stripper in Reno named Letter Dee. She had a heart of gold.

SayItWithWookies October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

IF THIS ISN'T TRUE THEN WHY DOES KERRY LADKA ANAGRAM TO RED KLAY ARK? HUH? I'VE GOT GOOSEBUMPS PEOPLE! THIS GOES SO DEEP IT GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP! ALSO, HAPPY CAPSLOCK DAY!!!!

Lascauxcaveman October 22, 2012 at 6:47 pm

That's all well and good, but November 6 is going to to be a lot tastier.

Jus_Wonderin October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Wasn't the Hofstra just trying to protect its offspring? Yes, a few miners got all eaten up by her acid underbelly but…who will think of the Hofstra's children???!!

MittBorg October 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

Is this from one of Octavia Butler's stories? Because I kinda OD'd on that whole Bloodworm thing, yaknow.

qwerty42 October 22, 2012 at 5:14 pm

Should we just go ahead stop this whole "election" stuff and make this "Last Refuge" guy the next president?

ph7 October 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm

Undeniable:

That Benghazi question came straight out of Candy's grassy knoll.

Come here a minute October 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm

With any luck the conspiracy-theory-chasers at “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” will be so busy chasing conspiracies that they will neglect to vote.

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 6:09 pm

Voting is part of a government conspiracy to legitimize government control over our lives. Pass it on!

bikerlaureate October 22, 2012 at 7:29 pm

True Amercians don't condone the godless state of things by casting ballots!!!!1!

johnnyzhivago October 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm

This is bullshit… Obama had a hypnotism ring on his left finger which took control of Mitt's brain using a network of satellites and disco balls.

Beowoof October 22, 2012 at 5:17 pm

Here on full display is one of the giant intellects on the right. He thought this up and then put it on his highly regarded (as bullshit) web page. With paranoia this profound, I can appreciate his need for assault weapons, a rocket launcher and a .50cal machine gun to keep the scary monsters away.

BadKitty904 October 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

"Do you run out of Kleenex, paper-towels, and toilet-paper at the *SAME TIME*? You know it's true!!!"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdCfYHNctsc

imissopus October 22, 2012 at 5:27 pm

It's a riddle! Wrapped up in a danish! Inside a blintz!

Fox n Fiends October 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm

This arguement is only twice as plausible as Romney's plan to cut the deficit.

rickmaci October 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

What kind of name is "Hofstra" anyway? Sounds Muslim to me. Probably was "Al Madrasa" until August 4, 1961 when the world wide jihadists decided to change the name.

OneYieldRegular October 22, 2012 at 5:31 pm

"What's more, though some people would have ascribed those streaks in the sky the afternoon of the debate to jets passing high overhead, they were clearly chemtrails released by the Obama government as soporifics to lull moderator, reporters, Ann Romney's clothing advisor, the audience and, dare I say, the GLOBAL audience, into a stuporous state of extreme passive idiocy, as evidenced by the kind of extra-paranoid theory I am putting forth."

mavenmaven October 22, 2012 at 5:32 pm

The secretest part of the conspiracy was that Mr Ladka was played by Andy Kaufman.

HarryButtle October 22, 2012 at 6:47 pm

Thank you beddy much.

imissopus October 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm

If there is not a band or an improv comedy troupe called Negro Telepathy by the end of the week, I will be sorely disappointed.

DemmeFatale October 22, 2012 at 5:44 pm

Of all the questions, I thought Ladka's, (apart from making me want crunchy, hot potato pancakes), was the most conservative softball of all.
Kerry tossed Mitt a softball, and Mitt threw back a meatball.

BadKitty904 October 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm

Up the airy mountain,
Down the rushy glen,
We daren't go a-hunting,
For fear of little men…

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 5:45 pm

I love the assumption that just because LONG ISLAND, he's necessarily a liebrul plant.

Drooling Moron, please meet your cousin, Pete King (R-Seaford).

Disassembly October 22, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I prefer my questions wee wee'd up.

Slim_Pickins October 22, 2012 at 5:47 pm

Hofstra spelled backward is the Kenyan-Indonesian name for Obama! That proves it!

sullivanst October 22, 2012 at 5:50 pm

And whose campaign consists largely of the kinds of talking points that appeal only to the batshit crazy and paranoid, combined with denials that he's been advocating for any of the policy prescriptions he's spent the last two years saying he'd implement if elected.

iburl October 22, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Mitt Romney, the heroic Republican standard bearer who could not get 51% in any primary even though his main competition was Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michele Bachman has now lost the election because Candy Crowley was trying to limit the extent of his interruptions by stating a simple fact.

fawkedifiknow October 22, 2012 at 6:06 pm

I'm thoroughly convinced that this country is "exceptional" in one way, and one way only: We have the the stupidest collection of brain-dead conspiracy theorists in the history of mankind. They don't have the brain power to blow their noses, as the olde sayeing goeth.

CindynEncinitas October 22, 2012 at 6:21 pm

I'm sorry but all available cycles have been taken up by the news that Breaking Amish was not actually really the true story of those kids coming straight out of their Amish huts and encountering sunglasses and stuff. I has such a sad, you guys.

cousinitt October 22, 2012 at 6:22 pm

There's just something about "right in his stupid face" that makes me have the funnies and gets me in a better mood for the debate.

glamourdammerung October 22, 2012 at 6:46 pm

Wow, Romney must have had his ass handed to him pretty bad for the Republicans to STILL be crying and shaking their fists in impotent rage about it.

mbobier October 22, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Negro Telepathy would be a great name for a band.

AlaskaGrrl October 22, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Ah, but they didn't know that Kerry Ladka was actually the illegitimate grand nephew of the second cousin twice removed of Judge Crater, who was one of the penners of the Protocols of Zion and legal adviser to the Bildebergers, who so totally faked the moon landing. See? It all makes sense. Just guard to precious bodily fluids!

rickmaci October 22, 2012 at 7:43 pm

The RepubliCons wanted to have Dead Breitbart be the moderator. He was perfect. Would have just sat in the chair and kept his mouth shut, mostly.

cousinitt October 22, 2012 at 8:02 pm

Dead Breitbart would face stiff competition from Bill the Cat, however, who I believe works for CNN.

decentcitizen October 22, 2012 at 8:15 pm

Please proceed…

natl_[redacted]_cmdr October 22, 2012 at 8:44 pm

the conspirators have become the conspiracy!

ttommyunger October 23, 2012 at 5:14 am

If Candy left the Port Authority on foot heading for Newark at 12pm and Bammers Caught a Red-Eye from Dulles International headed for Atlanta at two pm on the same day and Bishop Romney sat in a sink full of Cottage Cheese playing the Harmonica with his eyes closed; which one will achieve Nirvana first, and who, if anyone, gives a fuck?

actor212 October 22, 2012 at 5:26 pm

It was one of the funniest things Air America ever broadcast, which is saying a lot

GunToting[Redacted] October 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm

Wow, I mentioned footwear (starting with the letter "ess…") and I find myself in comment moderation limbo. Actor, how do you do it?!?

Chet Kincaid_ October 22, 2012 at 5:58 pm

Air what?

Lascauxcaveman October 22, 2012 at 6:37 pm

There's no cure. Just treatment.

bikerlaureate October 22, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Did you try "zapatas" ?

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