the protocrowleys of the elders of CNN

Intrepid Conservative Blogger Magnificently Exposes Massive Hofstra-Based Conspiracy

Follow along, libtards, as some guy on the internet blows your whole world up.

Last week’s town hall debate was notable for many things – Romney trying to bumrush Obama like eighteen times, Obama not falling asleep five minutes in, and Candy Crowley sort of correcting Mitt Romney by shooting him right in his stupid face. But surely there is an explanation besides “Mitt was completely wrong” for why Crowley dared stand up to America’s Next President?


A blogger at something called “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” (they LUV Andy Breitbart!) has compiled an exhaustive breakdown of exactly how Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds and therefore lose him every swing state.

Because the theory is complex, multifaceted and largely based on a series of “coincidences” so startlingly coincidental they cannot be coincidences at all, we will give you the Cliffs’ Notes version.

One: Kerry Ladka came up with the question the day before the debate, WHEN CANDY CROWLEY HAD SAID SHE ALREADY CHOSE THE QUESTIONS AND STUFF.

Candy Crowley told Erin Burnett on CNN’s show Out Front, Monday Night 10/15, that she had collected the questions from the invited and vetted debate audience at Hofstra University and was reviewing them. This was Monday on the 7pm broadcast of Erin Burnett. The Debate was Tuesday.

When the question on Libya was asked by audience member Kerry Ladka, he prefaced the question by saying:

….this question actually comes from my, err, um, a brain trust of my friends at Global Telecom Supply in Mineola, yesterday we were sitting around talking about Libya…

If Candy Crowley already had the audience questions assembled the day before, how could Kerry Ladka and his brain trust friends have been writing one?

If Candy Crowley had the questions at 7PM on Monday, and Ladka was coming up with the question with his friends on Monday, how could he possibly have come up with a brief interrogatory about Libya in the nineteen hours before Candy Crowley went on the air?

The simplest answer: he could not have. Nobody at or near Hofstra University can form a question within any period less than twenty hours, which makes people asking about specials at bars the absolute worst.

B: Obama KNEW the question was coming and where it was coming from and the guy’s name and just fucking everything, Jesus.

When she said “we are changing topics to a question from Kerry… from Kerry Ladka“, Obama already knew what to look for and where he was seated. There are numerous “TELLS” Watch the video – it is at 1:06:35 Watch.

President Obama moved (physically walked) directly toward Kerry Ladka, and said “Hi Kerry“,… (but oddly Kerry had not moved, nor identified himself) …. then, rut roh,…. after an internal psyche trigger kicked in, President Obama does the ((‘oops’)) *looks around* as if to say where am I going… then asks “what’s your name“?

Look, I was going to do an exhaustive breakdown of all the times anyone asked a question and when the candidates moved toward them, but why bother? Even though Scary Barry was told Ladka’s name before Ladka started speaking, it is well known he does not listen to anyone who is not black. Therefore, the only way he could have known is if someone used Negro Telepathy to tell him BEFORE Ladka asked his question!

#3: Ladka’s question was TOO good.

Thirdly, within the carefully worded question itself is a very nuanced descriptive delivered by Ladka:

…”and we were reading, and we became aware of reports that the State Department refused extra security for our embassy in Benghazi Libya prior to the attacks that killed four Americans.

Who was it that denied enhanced security, and why?

The term “enhanced security” is the term used by the White House spokespeople and by the State Department spokesperson(s). It is just plain awkward and oddly not in a normal context for a general question from an unattached observer. Not to mention it perfectly “Tee’s Up” the only construct, and context, that Obama could defend and expand upon.

Don’t ever have a question “tee’d up,” guys, it’s totes painful.  Medicare covers less-painful tee’ing options.

It is simply painfully awkward for people to use words they obviously read from one of their 1,400-plus mentions in news stories in the past month, especially anyone near Hofstra, because they are functionally brain damaged from birth.

LETTER DEE: Michelle Obama clapped after Candy Crowley “corrected” Mitt, just like Jackie Kennedy did after she had JFK shot.

Previously covered on Wonkette. Still a travesty after all these days.

Conspiracy Element Epsilon: Kerry Ladka’s boss went to Hofstra; Kerry Ladka is on Twitter; you connect the dots.

Kerry Ladka works for Global Telecom Supply. More specifically he works for Isaac Elyassoff who is the current Vice-President at Global Telecom Supply. Guess where Elyassoff is an alumnus of ? Yep, Hofstra University, the site of the debate. It appears Elyassoff is in his mid twenties having graduated from Hofstra with a degree in Marketing and Business 2002-2006. Obamabot? Ideology? Check out his twittery friends.

Why would random undecided voter, Mr. Kerry Ladka, of Long Island NY, be calling media outlets, media pundits, and requesting to be on their shows?

Just a randomly selected “undecided voter”/”audience member” chosen by CNN?


You sort of lost us there, guy, because Ladka was trolling for media appearances the day after the debate, which kind of makes complete sense, but, um…also, why did you link to a random Brooklyn-based political reporter?

Wait…if this part of the conspiracy, the key, critical portion, is complete bullshit, then could the whole rest of this be…no. No. NO.

We know what you did, entire liberal media apparatus. And we will not let you get away with it just because you can easily disprove every element of the allegation. That’s how these things work.

[The Conservative Tree Refuge / via Wonkville story miner chascates]

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  1. UnholyMoses

    The dumb is strong with this one …

    (ADDING: I'd ask if he/she figured out what kind of footwear Obama was wearing and how it factored into this, but I'd hate to be banned.)

        1. MittBorg

          Some of us seem to get hit with an admin script that eats our comments for mentioning footwear. Apparently, actor is not affected. (Glowers bitterly at actor)

          1. GunToting[Redacted]

            Wow, I mentioned footwear (starting with the letter "ess…") and I find myself in comment moderation limbo. Actor, how do you do it?!?

  2. Crank_Tango

    Too confusing. Now I am confused. I will just go take a nap and assume ACORN has everything under control.

  3. PuckStopsHere

    Mittens doesn't need a conspiracy to embarrass himself. He's perfectly capable of handing that on his own. It may, in fact, be the only thing he is perfectly capable of doing on his own.

    1. Gleem McShineys

      Point F is that Mitt Romney is in on it too, because look at how he pressed, nay, begged for Candy Crowley to shoot him right in his Abraham Lincoln, with vote-flavored assassin fact-checking!


  4. snowpointsecret

    I'm sorry, I tuned this out after "The Conservative Treehouse." It sounds like a 12 year old kid in Tennessee with a "NO GURLS ALOWD" sign in his tree.

    Wait, what was the story again?

  5. hagajim

    Late to the party today, and after that bit of brainmush I kinda wish I hadn't shown up at all….jeesh.

  6. Pragmatist2

    The Tea Party is made up entirely of the white guys who, when their team loses, blame the referee.

    1. Esteev

      This. This. This.

      They cannot accept defeat. But they always lose. And it's always their own fault.

      Who is the petulant child?

        1. UnholyMoses

          And KC Royals. Though we give them away because our cheap ass fuck owner won't pay them fair market value.

          Oh, and then there's the Cheaps …

      1. Incitefully_Joe

        Hey, fuck you! My roommate tries to gloat, and my standard reaction has been to yawn, shrug, and point out that there's always next year.

        Y'know, statistically speaking.

        1. sullivanst

          Yeah, yeah. I still remember my colleague complaining on 11/5/09 about how nine years was so long to have waited, only to be told to SHUT UP! by everyone else in the office.

      2. tessiee

        "We're not fucking Yankee fans!"

        So, what kind of Yankee fans *are* you, then?
        Or, alternately:
        So who *are* you fucking, then?

  7. mrpuma2u

    Wow and I thought these mouth breathing hover round meatheads were clutching at straws with the whole "acts of terror" semantics whining/hair splitting….

  8. AlterNewt

    I'm sure Schieffer will bring this up right at the beginning, but in a way that will benefit Obama because of course he's in the tank just like all of them are. Every single one of them.

      1. Esteev

        I wonder how long the thought sloshed around in Tinsley's head that it isn't the moderator that makes Romney look uninformed and undecided? Hmm…

  9. delaney_blom

    No way Obama was in on this one. When Candy said the next question was from someone named "Kerry," the president clearly thought it was a woman and turned on the panty-melting charm. When the guy stood up, Barry was very confused, "What's your name again? I swear Crowley said the next one was from a chick."

    1. noodlesalad

      This x1000. I remember Obama's confusion really clearly, he heard Kerry and thought it was a lady.

      PS this would have destroyed Bill Clinton, Obama took it relatively in stride.

    2. Gleem McShineys

      That is what I thought I saw, too.

      As further proof, right at that moment, you see Kerry reaching into his coat pocket, for HIS SPARE PANTIES obvs, because his melted.

      1. sullivanst

        Yes, he totally wasn't reaching for the piece of paper he and his brain trust had written the question on, because if he had such a thing, that might make the conspiracy theorist's claim that the question was too "nuanced" and used highfallutin' words and therefore had to be a plant look even more completely absurd.

  10. deanbooth

    My friends and I from the Wonkette brain trust, yesterday we were sitting around talking about conservatives, and the question came up: How can they be so fucking stupid?

    1. mrpuma2u

      You take your basic liberal, then you remove critical thinking parts, and common sense parts, replace those with rabid patriotism and paranoia, et voila!

      1. Lot_49

        Plus a desire to compensate for a small peen by angrily demanding that other people's kids be sent off to war.

  11. Indiepalin

    Another graduate of Hofstra is Christopher Walken, who shot himself in the head in "The Deer Hunter". You do the math.

      1. mille derps

        Okay, Master Sheeple, I noted the obigatory "ALL CAPS".

        What do I do next? I need someone to decide for me.

    1. weejee

      When you're walken to hunt deer, the Lorentz Transformations are a mapping that Cheney will shoot Mittens in the butt with rock salt if Willard chokes the upcoming foreign policy debate?

    2. pdiddycornchips

      Wait, is that true? According to the internets, Walken attended for one year. He reportedly had a fever that forced him to drop out. He was cured with the application of more cow bells and the rest, as they say, is history.

    3. Incitefully_Joe

      Actually, TRUFAX, any conspiracy theorist worth his or her* salt knows that Walken murdered Natalie Wood. WHAT DID SHE KNOW????!!

      *(In the case of an ex-girlfriend back in college, who was how I first heard about this, when she soberly told me that Walken was not awesome, but rather a cold-blooded murderer)

  12. skmind

    Well, Rule 5e states, “The candidates may not ask each other direct questions during any of the four debates."

    AND ROMNEY ASKED OBAMA "You said in the Rose Garden the day after the attack it was an act of terror; it was not a spontaneous demonstration. Is that what you are saying?"

    BUSTED! LOL, LO.. oh wait, this conspiracy is supposed to work for Romney.

    My bad, in which case "Proceed, Ghost Breitbart"

  13. calliecallie

    "…Crowley, Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Kerry Ladka, the infamous questioner/executioner, conspired to completely and totally embarrass Mitt Romney for about fifteen seconds AND THEREFORE LOSE HIM EVERY SWING STATE."

    Let's all conspire to do that, shall we?

    1. Esteev

      Peak Wingnut sounds painful.

      Is there a topical cream or some home remedy? Please, don't say "reading" and "keeping an open mind" are the only cure.

        1. Gleem McShineys

          The science is not settled on this. Some People Say that alcohol kills brain cells.

          Theoretically, if you kill all of them, you could end up a wingnut.

      1. PhilippePetain

        We'll know when we're at Peak Wingnut when people start getting shot in the street over the loon's pet isssu….oh.

    2. mrpuma2u

      Be advised full moon coming on 10/29, stay indoors and away from conservative blogs that evening.

    3. Cicada

      Peak Wingnut doesn't exist, they just keep getting crazier and crazier. The epic pants crapping that will occur if Mitt doesn't win will make this piece of batshittery look quaint in comparison.

  14. Lionel[redacted]Esq

    Wait a minute, isn't Romney up in the Gallup poll? Where are the Liberal paranoid conspiracy theories about that? That is the problem with LIbtards, they are just not as paranoid as Conservatives. As such, they will always come in last.

  15. rickmaci

    Isn't it clear they were shooting mind numbing rays at Mitt over the last 30 minutes and he went all blank and lost his ability to think on his feet and when he stood up all the blood rushed to his lower body so he was barely able to walk and Barry Hussein stayed on his stool with the safety shield so the rays wouldn't hit him and Mitt would have to stumble around all helpless while that Candy kept the brain cell killing rays focused on poor Mitt. I know this happened. It was on the internet.

  16. smitallica

    So, the alternatives are:
    1. This was a complex, multi-faceted conspiracy between an international news network, a respected university, and a Long Island private citizen to prompt a presidential candidate to step neatly and perfectly into a prepared trap during a televised national debate, or;
    2. Your candidate is a lying douchebag who got caught in his lying bouchebaggery.

    Ain't Occam's Razor a bitch??

    1. Generation[redacted]

      Sorry, but you're failing to consider the most obvious explanation which is lalalalala I can't hear you lalalala!

  17. Fairtackle

    Why the hell don't we have this kind of stuff on the left?! Obama was obviously drugged during that first debate. Considering how hyper Mitt was it is clear that Mitt drained some of Obamas mojo and used it to power up hisself. I can prove it, actually … I think I just did.

  18. MacRaith

    The true art of the conspiracy theory lies in connecting completely unconnectable dots. This guy is good. Not great, mind you – a really great conspiracy theory would be, for example, demonstrating how the Kennedy family ordered the moon landings faked in order to distract attention away from the Chappaquiddick incident. This one isn't quite in that league. But it has potential.

    By the way, the true purpose of the Chappaquiddick incident was to dispose of Barack Obama's real birth certificate. It's very complicated, but I can prove it!

      1. MacRaith

        Because the "Illuminatus!" trilogy is the greatest work of undercover journalism in history. Or the record of an acid-induced hallucination. Or possibly both.

  19. SayItWithWookies

    In right-wingers' minds, they're all Hercule Poirot in Murder on the Orient Express, whereas in reality they're the stars of The Bobsey Twins and the Week-Long Meth and Hooker Binge. I certainly hope they get another four years of freedom from the reigns of power so they can really get to the bottom of all these conspiracies.

  20. bureaucrap

    Actually, his name is "Latke" and he and his secret partners, "Applesauce" and "Dreidel" conspired to ask that question a mere two months before Hanukah, which has to do with Judea freeing itself from Syrian tyranny, which is related closely to Libya…well, because, well it does, and that's why it's a Jewish conspiracy to do something. I'm not sure what, really, because MITTENS SCREWED UP ALL BY HIMSELF!

    1. sullivanst

      Also, apparently thinks that "OK" is in fact "Hi Kerry", and does not understand how three dimensional reality translates to two dimensional images in the TV recording process (either that and/or does not know the meaning of "directly" and/or "towards"), among numerous other obvious failings of intellect.

  21. pdiddycornchips

    Read his archives. I'd recommend the part where the British conveniently decided to have their Olympics right before Mitt Romney arrives. Why? To distract the world from Mitt's elegant wordsmithery and powerful leadership, Obvs.

  22. Jus_Wonderin

    Wasn't the Hofstra just trying to protect its offspring? Yes, a few miners got all eaten up by her acid underbelly but…who will think of the Hofstra's children???!!

  23. qwerty42

    Should we just go ahead stop this whole "election" stuff and make this "Last Refuge" guy the next president?

  24. Come here a minute

    With any luck the conspiracy-theory-chasers at “The Last Refuge” and/or “The Conservative Treehouse” will be so busy chasing conspiracies that they will neglect to vote.

    1. sullivanst

      Voting is part of a government conspiracy to legitimize government control over our lives. Pass it on!

  25. Beowoof

    Here on full display is one of the giant intellects on the right. He thought this up and then put it on his highly regarded (as bullshit) web page. With paranoia this profound, I can appreciate his need for assault weapons, a rocket launcher and a .50cal machine gun to keep the scary monsters away.

  26. rickmaci

    What kind of name is "Hofstra" anyway? Sounds Muslim to me. Probably was "Al Madrasa" until August 4, 1961 when the world wide jihadists decided to change the name.

  27. OneYieldRegular

    "What's more, though some people would have ascribed those streaks in the sky the afternoon of the debate to jets passing high overhead, they were clearly chemtrails released by the Obama government as soporifics to lull moderator, reporters, Ann Romney's clothing advisor, the audience and, dare I say, the GLOBAL audience, into a stuporous state of extreme passive idiocy, as evidenced by the kind of extra-paranoid theory I am putting forth."

  28. DemmeFatale

    Of all the questions, I thought Ladka's, (apart from making me want crunchy, hot potato pancakes), was the most conservative softball of all.
    Kerry tossed Mitt a softball, and Mitt threw back a meatball.

  29. sullivanst

    I love the assumption that just because LONG ISLAND, he's necessarily a liebrul plant.

    Drooling Moron, please meet your cousin, Pete King (R-Seaford).

  30. sullivanst

    And whose campaign consists largely of the kinds of talking points that appeal only to the batshit crazy and paranoid, combined with denials that he's been advocating for any of the policy prescriptions he's spent the last two years saying he'd implement if elected.

  31. iburl

    Mitt Romney, the heroic Republican standard bearer who could not get 51% in any primary even though his main competition was Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Rick Perry, Herman Cain and Michele Bachman has now lost the election because Candy Crowley was trying to limit the extent of his interruptions by stating a simple fact.

  32. fawkedifiknow

    I'm thoroughly convinced that this country is "exceptional" in one way, and one way only: We have the the stupidest collection of brain-dead conspiracy theorists in the history of mankind. They don't have the brain power to blow their noses, as the olde sayeing goeth.

  33. CindynEncinitas

    I'm sorry but all available cycles have been taken up by the news that Breaking Amish was not actually really the true story of those kids coming straight out of their Amish huts and encountering sunglasses and stuff. I has such a sad, you guys.

  34. cousinitt

    There's just something about "right in his stupid face" that makes me have the funnies and gets me in a better mood for the debate.

  35. glamourdammerung

    Wow, Romney must have had his ass handed to him pretty bad for the Republicans to STILL be crying and shaking their fists in impotent rage about it.

  36. AlaskaGrrl

    Ah, but they didn't know that Kerry Ladka was actually the illegitimate grand nephew of the second cousin twice removed of Judge Crater, who was one of the penners of the Protocols of Zion and legal adviser to the Bildebergers, who so totally faked the moon landing. See? It all makes sense. Just guard to precious bodily fluids!

  37. rickmaci

    The RepubliCons wanted to have Dead Breitbart be the moderator. He was perfect. Would have just sat in the chair and kept his mouth shut, mostly.

    1. cousinitt

      Dead Breitbart would face stiff competition from Bill the Cat, however, who I believe works for CNN.

  38. ttommyunger

    If Candy left the Port Authority on foot heading for Newark at 12pm and Bammers Caught a Red-Eye from Dulles International headed for Atlanta at two pm on the same day and Bishop Romney sat in a sink full of Cottage Cheese playing the Harmonica with his eyes closed; which one will achieve Nirvana first, and who, if anyone, gives a fuck?

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